Caller: “My Past Relationship Is Ruining My Marriage”

How do I heal from past betrayals so my wife doesn't feel like she's paying the price for it? I started to wonder what it's like to be the one who betrays others. And I would have this part of me who would betray her and go behind her back. So this is a strange question. Do you want to be done with all this, man? Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're here. Taking your calls on your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, tragedies, the good stuff, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. People from all over the world reaching out. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the one and only Kelly, the producer of the show, and she will work to get you on. Let's go out to Albany, Albany, Albany, New York and talk to Jonathan. Hey, Jonathan, what's up, man? Hey, how are you? I'm good, brother. So my question is, how do I heal from past betrayals so my wife doesn't feel like she's paying the price for it? Dude, what a great question, man. Thank you. Like, I hope you understand the level of emotional maturity it takes to get where you are. To be able to ask that question. Let me ask you this. How many fights did you and your current wife have before you realized, oh, wait a minute, this is me? A lot or a few? Or did you already know going in? It's been a short amount of time that we've been together. Okay. But maybe four or five so far. Okay. Okay. So take me back, man. What happened in the past? That is. Is that your body's trying to protect you from in the future? Oh, man. How far do you want to go back? As far as I mean, tell me what's relevant to what you're struggling with, with your with your new wife. Okay. So that would be just with. And I can date it back to. Maybe my high school, high school girlfriends, even where they would cheat on me with a friend and I would find out later. And then, I mean, later years in my younger twenties, I ended up dating somebody who she was an alcoholic and I found out, I guess the hard way, but there was also a part of me who I had a lot of compassion for her in a way I wanted to try to fix her and I feel like then I was kind of I didn't realize that I was paying the price then for it. She had cheated on me with multiple men and I and I still stayed. So I'm going, I mean, I could fast forward a little bit more to, I think actually after that, I wasn't, I started to, I don't know, I started to wonder what it's like to be the one who betrays others. Like, why do people do this? And I actually became a partner who would betray too. And I ended up. You know, I fell, I fell in love with somebody and I would, I would have this part of me who would, um, I would betray her and go behind her back. Um, and then she ended up leaving me, um, abruptly. I had no idea, but she had planned to move out and, uh, she just, I came home one day and the house was empty. Um, and I guess I see that as a betrayal on her part, but I mean, I, I don't really blame her, um, for the man that I was. At that time, um, next girlfriend after that, you know, you open up to people, you tell them about your past. I told her, you know, this is what my ex did. She, she just, I came home one day and she was gone. And what do you know that that ex-girlfriend gave me two weeks notice that she was moving out about a year and a half later. Um, it just seems like no matter, no matter what I do. Um, I can't count on people to. To be there. Does that, am I making sense? Yeah, totally. Um, there's a lot to it. I, I skipped one ex actually. Yeah, no, I mean, I, I think I got a full picture. Um, you got a lifetime of being betrayed. I, I don't see, I mean, you and I could disagree. I don't want to, I don't want to sidetrack us. I think if, if the girlfriend who just moved out, if she had called the show, I would have told her to do exactly what she did. Yeah. Um, but I, but I get, um, uh, and for those listening, often the, the, the question is how could somebody do it, do, do something? How could somebody cheat on somebody when they know how bad that hurts? And that's a strange thing about relational hurt and trauma is we often end up recreating the, the very thing that hurt us. Right. And it's a weird way. Our bodies try to. Regain control or regain power and it ends up falling off the other edge of the cliff. Right. Um, all I have to say is this, tell me about your new wife. Um, she is, she's, I don't know. She's tried. I can trust her. I know that. Okay. Um, but there's some times where I show her, uh, I feel like there's, it seems like I, I just. I don't trust her, um, because I have these certain triggers, but she's, she's amazing. I mean, she's, she's a hard worker. She cares, um, deeply for me and my daughter. I have a daughter from a past relationship. How old are you, man? And, uh, I'm going to be 40 this year. Okay. 40. Yeah. Cause I think right away, the answer is it's an easy answer, but it comes with the. A lot of, of challenge. Okay. Yeah. I, I'd love to, I'd love to get rid of the anxiety that surrounds it when I have these triggers. It's. Okay. So what I'm hearing first and foremost is a man who does not respect himself. You don't respect yourself for staying when you're getting cheated on. You don't respect yourself for having cheated on other people. You don't respect yourself because you're 40 and you're like, dude, how to high school girlfriends still impact me to this day. Which by the way is, is I have one thing that a high school girlfriend told me once. It still haunts me to this day. Right. So, but I hear a guy who, when he looks in the mirror, he slumps his shoulders down. Yeah. And so there will, if you don't respect yourself, what you'll do, and it's not just you, it's all. But if you don't respect yourself, if you don't keep your promises to yourself, if you're not a guy anchored into a set of values, like this is the man I am, then what you'll do is you'll spend your entire life outsourcing that externally, hoping that other people and other things and other finish lines and other certificates and other dollar amounts, whatever it is, will get you that sense of respect. And it never, ever works. Yeah. And so give me an example is, is like, if your wife's on her phone, do you freak out or if like, what are things that she does right now that just sets you off? So she works with a lot of, she works with a lot of men. Okay. And so she has to be on her phone a lot. Okay. I guess a recent trigger would have been when she had just, she got out of the shower. And she kept the phone in the bathroom with her. And that triggered something that was very specific to something that happened to me before. Did you have an ex-girlfriend go in the bathroom and send photos? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Um, while I was there. So I literally had my phone in the shower this morning, blasting some new band called the strike that I recently heard. They're like an eighties band. They're awesome, but they're new, but I had my phone in the shower too. Not in it, but right next to it. And so like, and you get what I'm saying? So the behavior in and of itself is benign. So here's the second thing I'm going to tell you. First thing is I hear a man who doesn't respect himself. The second thing I hear is, or not here, but I want to give you this rule of thumb. Give yourself two triggers and then be about solving the problem. And here's what I mean. I cannot tell you, I'm developing a really strong allergy to the word trigger because, we use that word, not just not, not you, but we use that word culturally to demand other people. Stop doing things because our bodies recognize some action out in the world and it tries to keep us safe by overwhelming us with response. Yeah. And so if you have a wife who you described to me as amazing, as trustworthy, she loves you. And she takes the phone in the shower, I mean, into the bathroom. Thank you. your body starts screaming at you. I would challenge you that that's your thing to solve. Okay. Okay? So be honest about, like when your body just goes to, when it sets off, I tell people how you get two triggers. You get that first one that comes out of nowhere. Like, dude, why am I so mad right now? Or why am I so scared right now? This freaks me out. The second one is, oh, we got a pattern here. I need to dig in and ask myself, is my body right? And often triggers, it's because your body's working perfectly. It's been hurt before by some of these same feelings or thoughts or actions or things that you see, and it's just doing its job. And healing from a trigger is coming to terms with, I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now. Yeah. And sometimes you sit with a therapist. I had to go do that. I went and sat with a therapist for a while on very specific things. And sometimes you catch yourself in the middle. Sometimes you write down your triggers, your fears, and coming up with a roadmap with your wife. Because sometimes it's as simple as, dude, I have a, I've been cheated on so many times. If you're texting one of your coworkers, or if you're going to lunch with one of your coworkers, will you just let me know? Right. It's not about you. It's about me. I trust. I trust you implicitly, but my body runs for the hills. It would just give me a lot of peace if you just texted me and said, hey, I'm having lunch with so-and-so today. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And if she loves you and knows she married somebody that's been hurt a lot, that's an easy, yeah, of course. And I recommend couples do that anyway, right? Yeah. I have lunch with all kinds of people, but I let my wife know if I'm having lunch with a woman or with other, you know, with multiple other women. I let my wife just know. Hey, and it's not even because I think, I'm going to cheat on it or anything like that. I don't want her getting a text message from one of her friends that got it from another friend that somebody took a photo of me. It's just a way to honor my wife. Yeah. But that just comes from a conversation. And I'll tell you what I've done in the past. You can roll your eyes at this. You can be like, dude, I'm not doing that. That's stupid. I've written people letters. Letters from my past to say the things I want to say. And more importantly, at the end of the letter, I always say I'm setting this brick that I've been carrying that you handed me. I'm setting it down. I'm never picking it up again. Yeah. And then I throw the letter away. I shred it. I might throw it on a, on a fire pit out at my place. Like, but I need to get that out of my body because I'm going to stop letting 10 year, 20 year, 30 year demons haunt something great that I have right now. And that's just, it's literally just a practice. But when it comes to learning to respect yourself, I want you to be honest about, do you keep your promises to yourself in the very little things? Okay. When you say you're going to work out tomorrow, do you actually do it? Um, when you say you're going to make your bed in the morning, do you do it? Yeah, sometimes when your wife says, I got to get up early tomorrow at five 30, do you wake up at five 20 and go make her a cup of coffee? Like finding a thousand little things. They're micro habits, dude. They're small, but finding a thousand ways where you keep your promises to yourself. You become a man that you can count on and you stop needing other people out in the world to tell you that you're good or you're okay. That makes sense. Yeah. I like that. What does that look like for you? The start respecting or having respect for myself. Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of maybe counting the, counting the small things. Small things that I do for myself. Others. I would love for you to keep a list of them for 30 or 60 days. Write them down. Every way you're in service to yourself so that you can spend the rest of your time serving others. Once you start writing that stuff down, it may surprise you. Yeah. I remember I wrote, I'll never forget this moment sitting with a therapist and I sat back, sat back and my eyes got open real wide. And I remember her seeing me and saying, what just happened just there? And I had this moment where I looked at her and I said, I'm not a piece of crap. And it was this, it just, it just, it was the most freeing, weird thing. I didn't realize that that was the meta narrative I carried around all the time. Yeah. I guess that's true. I kind of see a question, you know, why is she with somebody like me when I have these thoughts? Okay. I think that it's, you think that it's what? I think that it's a, um, a good thing to do what you're saying. If I'm, if I'm thinking that I just need to kind of open my eyes and see, uh, the things that I do. And the things you do for others. And I want to take it one step further. You ready? Once a week. I want you and your wife. I don't care what night it is. Sometimes me and my wife do it on Saturday morning. Sometimes we do it on Sunday evening. It can be Thursday night. It can be Wednesday. I don't care when it is, but once a week, I want you and your new wife to get together. And I want you all to do three things. Map out the week calendar wise. What do we got going on? How can we love each other this week? What's, what's work look like? You're gonna put sex on the calendar. Like the daughter needs to go to soccer practice, whatever. Let's look at what's going on. The second thing is let's plan financially. What's the week look like? And then the third thing is you can come up with a cheesy name for it. You can come up with a funny name for it, but I want y'all to exchange. Things y'all did for yourselves and things you did for each other. Say them out loud. And that gets you out of your head and get your eyeballs out of your own belly button. And you look up and you see, and you get to know this other person across from you. Self-respect is a posture. People who don't respect themselves are constantly staring at their own belly button. They're staring at the ground. Yeah. Somebody who respects themselves looks up, looks out. Does that make sense? Yeah. Thank you. I need to circle back here before I let you go. What you said at the beginning, the question you asked me, I need you to hear me say is a really advanced question. Because what you're saying is I've got somebody new in my life and the things she's doing are setting me off and it's not her fault. I've got healing work I need to do. Yeah. And man, that that's it usually takes people a long, long time to get there because we all want the world to clear the deck for us so that we're not triggered. We're not upset. We don't get our feelings hurt. We're not offended. And that's just not reality. The only thing you can control is how you show up in your own marriage, how you show up for that guy in the mirror. Are you a man that you're going to, that you respect? And I believe you're on the path. My brother spin today, writing down, who's hurt you in the past. Be specific with names. It's been today writing down. What are your triggers right now? Spend some time writing down. What do you love about this woman? You're married to let's get some clear action steps and get cooking. It's an honor to talk to you, my brother. I'm proud of you. You're going to be a great husband for this woman, and you can be a great man for your community. We come back. A woman asks how to support her husband when he shares all the negative parts of his day. Have I been there? We'll be right back. All right. I know it's uncomfortable. So many of you avoid talking about life insurance because it forces you to imagine things that nobody wants to think about. I get it. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance is not really for you. It's protection for the people you love and who love and count on you. I recommend term life insurance from Zander insurance. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is the financial chaos and wonder and confusion on top of the deep grief. People don't always realize how much they carry for their family every day. 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If you've never shopped at Montana Knife Company before, you need to know that all of their knives sell out fast because they're handmade and supplies are extremely limited. So head over to mkc.com to check out what's available right now. And while you're there, sign up for email and text alerts to be the first to know about upcoming product drops, restocks, and new releases. That's mkc.com. All right, let's go out to Portland, Oregon, and talk to Sam. - Sarah, hey, Sarah, what's up? - Hi, Dr. John, thank you so much for taking my call. I'm trying not to be super nervous. - No, you're all good. I'm glad you're here, man. What's up? - Okay, my question is how do I support my husband when he comes home and just talks about all the negative things that happened during his day as a business owner? - Oof. I gotta tell you, this is probably one of the top two or three most common concerns, frustrations I hear from wives, especially all over the country. - Really? - Yeah. - Okay. - The research says that women have three to five friends and that men generally have one, and it's their wife. - Yeah. - The research also tells me that women, this is my word, not the literature's words, but that there is a trash can or dumpster effect. - Yes, yep. - Where husbands come home, and by the way, wives do this too. Especially in dual-income homes, but just for your situation. Comes home, you're there, dumps all the trash from the day onto you. - Yeah. - And then goes on about his life. - Yep. 100% what's happening, yep. - Okay, and then, let me guess. You say, "Hey, is there anything good happening?" - Yeah. - And then he says, "Well, I guess I can't tell you anything then." - Yes, and then we get in a spiral. - Yeah, and then he shuts down and withdraws, and then you feel like you have to go manage his feelings like you're his mother. - Yep, it's like, "You've dealt with this before." - Well, A, I've been that guy, and B, yes, a million times. So here, without talking to him, I can almost guarantee you with 99.9% certainty, he is one of the millions and millions of men who is literally dying from loneliness. - Yep, that's probably true. - He has no other men in his life. - Yup, we're both bad about having close friends. But yeah, yeah, he probably does actually better than me reaching out to his guy friends when he doesn't hang out with them enough. And lately, I've been really encouraging him to do so. - Okay, the hard part for you is you can only control you. - True. - And I'll give you some tips that me and my wife have used over the years and some ways she's encouraged me. And really some strong boundaries we've drawn for each other, okay? The first one is, she is by far my biggest supporter and encourager for getting out of the house and going to do stuff. Even when, going to do stuff with other people, even when that puts the majority of that day's burden on her. You get what I'm saying? - Yeah. - Like, hey, I'm going hunting with this guy or I'm going fishing with this guy or me and this dude are gonna go to a concert or me and this guy are gonna go run to another city and do a comedy show. She's the first one to be like, awesome. - Yeah. - Because she gets a much better version of her husband when he's got male friends in his life. - Yup. - All right, that's number one. Number two, she had to draw, and mine was from both all of the higher ed work, as higher ed was falling apart, still is falling apart, and my crisis work. She finally said, I can't hear all of this. - Yeah. - And then I threw a pity party and I shut down and I went crazy. And so, at some point you have to let, I don't know how to say this, you have to let nature take its course. - Meaning? - Meaning, at some point you have to draw the boundary that protects you and also say, I don't want you to withdraw. - Yeah. - You can't sit there and be a grump. - Yeah. - You can't mope just because I won't let you be, I won't be your trash can. - Yeah, I've kind of had that conversation, you know, taken from your words from the podcast and all that, but, and he's gotten better, but then he feels like, well, I can't talk to you about anything, it's like. - All right, here's the third thing. It probably was once every two and a half years that I've had to let go of the idea that I was gay. Every two or three days. Now it's probably once or twice a month. - Yeah. - And both of us exchange this 'cause my wife's got her own life. Hey, I got some just heavy stuff I gotta say out loud. - Yeah. - Can we find a time this week to talk? - Yeah. - And then she's like, absolutely. And what that does is it gives her a chance. I like to think of it like exercise. It gives her a chance to go get on her exercise clothes, get in a frame of mind that she's gonna go work out and be ready for what I'm about to dump on her. - Oh, that's good. Yeah. - Versus she's got an armful of groceries. My daughter's hanging on her. She's exhausted. She has her own work that she's gotta do. And I'm like, guess what happened? Blah. - Yeah. - Right? - Yeah, yeah, that's a lot better. - And sometimes it's her catching me and saying, and by the way, I do this back, but I like to uplift my wife and make myself the butt of most of these jokes or these stories. But sometimes she'll catch me when I'm starting and she'll say, hey, can we do this at 8:30? Done. - Yeah. - And then I get to choose. Do I wanna sit there and watch YouTube reels of whatever episode of some guy playing a guitar solo that I can't play? Or do I wanna connect with my wife? Right? I get to choose. - Yeah, that's a good point. - But that's her saying, now's not a good time to work out. I'm still in a suit and I've got dinner and whatever. Can we do this at 8:30? And that's a, it's a path for me, right? It's her giving me a roadmap. - Yeah. - And she's like, I'm gonna do this at 8:30. - Yeah. - Now, let me ask you this. Underneath all the bad stuff that happened at work, is there some real stuff that he's worried about? - Oh, probably, yeah. - Here's what I mean. Is he just working a job that's the day in, day out, boss is annoying, customers are annoying? I can't believe we have to fill out this TPS report, right? Or is it like, "Dude, I'm on a sinking ship. "I'm scared about the future here," right? So you get what I'm saying? 'Cause one of those is just gonna be perpetual and ongoing and we need to establish some really significant boundaries in our house, some paths for each other. The other thing is underneath the garbage he's dumping on you is a man saying, "I'm scared to death "and I don't have anyone to talk to. "Please help." - Ah, man, it could be both. - Okay. - Maybe the first one, 'cause I feel like, well, he's a business owner now, but it's always kind of been the same pattern. We've been married, we'll be married 12 years now, so I've noticed a pattern that, not the complaining about work, but the dumping of the day onto me. But it could be also the other part, too, where he's scared, too, and he feels like he's not where he should be in life. - Okay. So, this is gonna sound crazy and possibly even unpopular, so don't read the comments on this episode, okay? They won't be directed at you, they'll be directed at me. - Hey. - I want you to consider an alternative track. - Mm-hmm. - And that is, I'm gonna send you the Together app. I built it just for this moment, okay? A thousand-- - We're the Androids, though. - Oh, boo, lame. - Yeah. I can't wait till you go with the Android version. The nerds are working on it. Trust me. They are trying to figure out how to talk 18th century conspiracy theorists for the Android people. And by the way, I've got family members using Android, so relax, internet people. All right, so. It may be that you can love him well with a thousand tiny things from the floor up. Here's what I mean. When he stumbles into the shower in the morning, hopefully he does that, there's a note on the mirror that just says, I'm so proud of you. Okay. There's a note on his truck, steering wheel. It just says, I know you're going through something right now and I'm glad to be your wife. Oh, that's good. A cup of coffee. If you know, if he's like, dude, I got to get up at 7 a.m. tomorrow, 6 a.m., just once in a while, get up at 5.45 and make him the coffee the way he likes it. Yeah. And it's a thousand little things. And the reason people get upset is, and I get the sentiment, I get the sentiment, which is I'm already getting dumped on. I'm already dealing with what could be on certain days, a giant toddler who's emotionally unregulated, has no friends, who's making bad financial decisions, whose business is falling apart, whatever the thing is. And you're asking me to go do a bunch of other little things too. And what my answer is, is if he's hurting right now, yes. Yeah. I can do the little things. Yeah. And connecting once a week, how can I love you? Connecting once a week and saying, hey, I know you're struggling your business. I want to talk about our household finances. That's good. And then you going first and saying, I don't feel safe with how much money we owe. Yeah. Right. I want to sell my big suburban and buy a car with cash. That's a piece of crap because I would rather not owe anybody any money than be comfortable with a depreciating asset that spends 23 and a half hours of its life sitting in our driveway. Yeah. Like it's you saying, here's how I feel in this house. How can we do this thing together? Yeah, that's good. Is that fair? Yeah, totally fair. And then the last weird thing is often like when couples, when somebody calls me and says, my spouse won't, I'll go to counseling. I always tell folks, you can go. Oh, true. And so for you, similarly, he may not want to go hang out with other people right now, but I want to challenge you to find one friend, two friends, 10 friends, I don't care and go do something with friends at night once a week. Okay. Set the rhythm that I'm leaving the house and to go have friends and hang out. Give him a picture of what that looks like. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And for God's sake, don't invite your girlfriends over and their husbands and be like, y'all are going to be friends. They will not be friends. They're not going to. Cause they're all going to have Apple phones and be like, oh, wow, cool. Are we going to, are we going to, are we going to churn butter too in here? Whatever. Can we go see your, go see your chickens out there? I'm just, I'm totally kidding. Totally kidding. Relax, internet people. It's awesome. But, but, uh, your, your situation is super, super common and it stems from lonely, lonely husbands. Yeah. Lonely men. And it's an epidemic. It's killing them. It's killing them. It's killing them. It's killing us. Um, but you can only control you at the end of the day. So thanks for the call. Thanks for loving him. And also thanks for having the courage to just say, dude, I don't want to get trash dumped on me all the time. Thank you so much for the call. Um, when Android comes out, we'll hook you up. When we come back, a man asks, how to balance his excitement about expecting the first child while supporting his wife, who's terrified of losing the pregnancy. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney. Listen, no matter what you do, your personal information is everywhere in this digital world we live in. You have to supply your information to do anything online. When you buy something, you have to give your home address, your phone number, your email address, everything. That's why I use and recommend delete me. Almost nobody thinks about what's being done with their information after they give it away. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting, and selling your personal information about you without your permission. And most of us don't even know what's going on. Delete me, find your personal information on those data broker websites and their privacy experts. Get it removed for you, making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam. Delete me keeps monitoring and removing your information. Throughout the year. And they send you reports showing you what they found and what they've removed. They've saved me hundreds of hours so far. Listen, giving your information away is sometimes unavoidable, especially when you're buying stuff online. But delete me helps you take back control. Go to join delete me.com slash Deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Toledo, Ohio and talk to August. Hey, August, what's up? Hey, Don, how's it going? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? Very good. Just trying to beat the heat out here this summer. Yeah, it's a wild one. It's hot, hot, hot here in Tennessee, man. Yeah, I'm scorching up here. So what's up? So, um, calling in today, my wife and I found out, um, early May that we were expecting our first child. Um, and so we're super excited about that and also trying to balance, uh, a little bit of a fear of hers of having a miscarriage at any point in the pregnancy. So how far along are y'all as of this call? Uh, so we are nine weeks, um, today and to not bury the lead. We had our first, uh, ultrasound appointment yesterday. Okay. Everything's everything's good to go. Everything is good to go. It was, uh, you know, saw the little heartbeat flutter around and was a huge sigh of relief for my wife. And, um, congratulations guys. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Super thrilled. Have y'all told anyone yet? Uh, we've told her immediate family and my immediate family. And then she has a cousin that's the same age as us and I'm having a kid too. So, um, and I'm sharing in the same life realm there. Yeah. So, uh, there is an exhale statistically speaking after the 12th week, right? So, it's kind of, there, there is, I don't know the way around it. Um, my wife and I went through three miscarriages and like I, there just as a exhale after that 12th week. Right. And you kind of get out of that first, um, you know, yeah, the first trimester. Yeah. The, the, just, I'm trying to think of the right words not to sound old, not medically, but like the, yeah, just that, that first trimester. I'll, I'll just say that. Um, so, um, what does she worry to is let me ask you this. Does she know somebody who's struggled with miscarriage before? Who's experienced this? Or is it just her recognizing how bad she wants this? And she's just trying to, it's just an anxiousness about it. Yeah, I think it's a little bit of both. Um, I know her, she's the first of three kids in her family and her parents have told us, you know, they struggled for a while before, um, before she was born. And I know her mom had, at least one miscarriage and my mom had a miscarriage. So she's got a little bit of fear of some family history. And then a couple friends that we've known have, um, two different friends have had, uh, miscarriages and, you know, the same, like real early stages. Um, so, and then we've, you know, we're, we're about to celebrate our four year wedding anniversary. And we've been, you know, together for 11 years before, um, before our wedding. So spent a lot of time together and talked about like all through, you know, our high school, sweetheart phase and stuff like that. And, and like, it was even a fear kind of them, like of, you know, how much that she wants a family and once, you know, healthy, happy kids and wanting to be able to provide that. So how can I help you brother? So, um, obviously the appointment went well and everything yesterday. I just, I obviously this was our first child, my first child and everything. And I just want to be able to, I don't know if that situation ever comes along with, with this child or any others. Um, you know, what the, what the next, the right next step is if, um, something like that happens. Yeah. It's rare for me to say this. Um, but I'll cross that bridge when you get there and hopefully you never have to. Right. Yeah. Um, I think it's Brene Brown. I love the way she says this spending time, dress, rehearsing, tragedy feels like a hedge. It feels like a way to prepare for it. And with the loss of a child, the loss of a loved one, there's some logistical things, right? So if you have an aging parent, you want to make sure there's a will, you want to make sure they've got care. All that kind of, there's like, there's, there's the nuts and bolts, right? Logistics, the business side of it. Yeah. But there is no, there's no way to prepare. And what you end up doing is you sacrifice the present. As, as, In exchange for. this bad thing that might happen. And I've heard this time and time again, it doesn't protect you from how bad the hurt is. And so the thing to do on this side of the fence is to acknowledge that fear. Her body's working perfectly. Okay. She's not broken. She's not messed up, whatever. And you, if you don't have that same fear and you're super excited, you're not broken either. It's just experiencing this thing together and my hope is that you're able to sit down and say, I'm really excited. Can you hold that with me? And she can say, I'm really excited so much it hurts. And that hurt leads me to being scared that this excitement is going to be for nothing. Will you hold that with me? And both of y'all can say, absolutely. Yeah. And we kind of had a, when she first told me, she took a test alone and then we, um, when I came home from work, she said, I'm really excited. I'm really excited. I'm really excited. She told me, um, you know, we're super excited and lots of emotions and everything. And, um, when just after she kind of said that was a quick, like, well, what if, you know, what if I have a miscarriage? Like, what if it doesn't actually come true? Here's your answer. I'll be right here. Yeah. I'll be right here. And there's, there's not like, we'll get through this. Like I will, I will walk with this with that through. I'll be right here. I'll be right here. I'll be right here. I'll walk with you through that, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there right now as a season for rejoicing and for having fun and for celebrating and being excited. And I think our whole culture says, Hey, if you get too excited about something, the other shoe's going to drop. And I've just come to terms with what I, I I'm a, I'm really bad about that. Personally. I don't want to get too excited about this thing that's happening right now. I don't want to get too excited about this thing that's happening right now because like whenever I, when people ask me like, Hey, how's the show going? And our old friends, I run into old friends and like, Hey, how's your show going? I see you everywhere. Yada, yada. And I say, ah, it's going great. It's just, it's wild. It's fun. And then I always hedge it with, but it's going to end as fast as it started. Like I always put a little thing out there just in case. Right. And all that does is rob me of the joy that is what it is right now. Right. And so the answer is, yeah, if that comes, I'll be right here. And then there's not a lot more to say after that. Right. But inviting her, Hey, you want to talk about it? How are you? Tell me how you're doing. Are you excited? You're nervous. You're scared. And there's something powerful about saying, I'll hold that with you. And can I share with you what I'm excited, nervous, and scared about? And there may be days when she's like, I can't hold it all. And that's awesome. You'll carry the water. And there might be other days when you are just stressed out of your mind. You're, you're freaked out. I don't know what to, I don't know what we're doing. And she'll carry the water. There's a powerlessness that comes over most new parents when they realize, oh, my heart is leaving my body and it's going to exist out in the world. And I can't control everything. It's a scary, it's a scary realization that happens. And then you look down at civilization and it's like, well, somehow we figured it out. And so here we go. Right. Yeah. Dude, I'm, I'm smiling right now as I'm talking to you. I'm so excited for y'all. Yeah. We ride the rollercoaster of emotions often. That's it. Just don't jump. A lot of times. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not jumping off. Nobody gets hurt on a rollercoaster unless you jump off. That's right. That's right. Right. Yeah. So, yeah, just, just enjoying it. And I don't know, you know, there's, there's a sit down and talk after work and it's like, I don't, I don't feel any different. Like I feel like I have to remind myself almost that we're having a kid soon. Well, and by the way, the most important thing y'all can do is establish a rhythm of having those conversations because this is impacting her in a radically different way than it's impacting you. And you're going on with life as though it's going on and she's got morning sickness. And she's exhausted all the time and her pants suddenly don't fit anymore. And like, you get what I'm saying? Like, yeah, she's got this re every day. Something is changing. And you're like, yeah, dude, I guess the electric bill wants to has to get paid again this month. Right. And so then all of a sudden they hand it to you and you're like, oh gosh, it's here. Right. And so establishing a rhythm of, Hey, how are you? How can I love you this week? How are you? Establishing that rhythm now will, get you both through this radical transformation. Y'all about to have a brand new marriage, a brand new relationship. You've been together 11 years and you got married. You've been together for four, 13 years y'all been together. All of that is prelude to what comes next, my brother. And that's awesome. Y'all just get to decide what that marriage looks like. Yeah. And even sitting down and y'all planning and dreaming, what's your picture for the day we bring this baby home? And maybe she says, I don't want to have that conversation until after week 12. Cool. We'll file it away. I'll put on the calendar. Like, what's your picture? Can you make that thing come true for her? It'd be awesome. Yeah, for sure. I blew that with my, with my son. I hit it out of the park with my daughter. I didn't even think to ask that question when my son came home. I was too worried about myself. Too selfish. What's your picture of the first week? Who do you want in the room? Right? Like all those kinds of things. Let's just like, let's just have those conversations and dream together. I'm excited for you, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's fun. You know, we enjoyed kind of just sharing it with ourselves for a couple of weeks. And then I kind of share it with our family around Father's Day. So it was super exciting. Very cool. Very good. It's been a fun, fun couple of weeks. If, um, if the worst happens, call me and I'll have you back on. Okay. Okay. And I've walked with a whole bunch of people and I've been through it personally. So I'll walk you through it, but I wouldn't take from the present moment right now. Let's spend our time like planning for the stuff, the changes that are coming for the changes. We don't even know that are coming. And let's spend our energy, not trying to hedge just in case the thing happens. It's negative. Let's just spend time being recklessly excited and overwhelmed, enjoyed, and let's let's don't jump off the roller coaster. Let's stay on because man, y'all are in the ride. Y'all are y'all are in the ride of your life. Appreciate the call. My brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. So my friends at BetterHelp just released their annual state of stigma report. It's full of all sorts of data about mental and emotional health. And it also looks at why people avoid getting help for their mental health. Here's a data point that stood out to me more than three out of four Americans in the United States have a mental health report. And it looks at why people avoid getting help for their mental health. reported anxiety or depression symptoms in the last two weeks. If that's you and you're carrying stress, anxiety, or depression, or symptoms of those things, just talking with someone can help more than you realize. I want you to reach out to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000 plus licensed therapists based on your goals and your preferences. It's easy and it's super convenient. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. If you're struggling, reach out. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney and get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Dude, sad day, man. I know. For those that don't know, so Blake Thompson, who has been here at Ramsey for 30 years. Yeah, he's the head of the network. Head of the entire network. He's the guy that hired me 14 plus years ago. Today was his last day. Today's last day. He's retiring. He's calling it. For those kind of little inside baseball, we actually paused during the recording of the show after the second call and went to the area where we all work and did a clap out and everything. And he spoke and it was, yeah. To watch him turn his key fob. It was tough, man. It really was. When he handed that to Jenny, yeah. It's been a lot. I mean, like I said, he hired me 14 something years ago and he's, I've never known this place without Blake. No, it's never been without him. No. They don't make guys like him anymore. And what I mean by that is, it's the level of insane loyalty and insane caring about people combined. with a reckless fearlessness. When the Ukraine-Russia thing kicked off, dude hopped on a plane and went out there. It was right in the middle of the war zone. He goes a couple of times a year. He gathers money from his friends, literally, and he goes over to Pakistan and him and some buddies have figured out how they can buy contracts to free families who've been generational slavery in the middle of the Middle East. He's like, yeah, dude, there's hurting people. I'm going. And that's how that dude rolls. at a gas station. That's how that dude just like, oh, we got to hit that dude. I'll go. That's him. He's the guy that introduced me to Turnstile, took me to my first Turnstile show, broke his rib in the mosh pit. He's in his mid-50s because he didn't give a crap, dude. He is also very much part of the murder podcast group here. So that tells you a lot. A lot of things right there. Yeah, we've seen. He likes being on podcast threads with 40 other women. So there's that. We've seen a number of live podcasts together and recordings and such. Yeah, quite a few. And been doing like a couple of talks by. Because we're dorks and like forensic doctors that we know that have worked on cases. Like we've actually gone to see them speak live and things like that. Yeah. And Blake has had more injuries doing things that no one his age should be doing since I've started here. He has continued to inspire me with two words. I'm in. You want to go to a crazy show? I'm in. I'm in. Whenever. Like I think everybody on the show knows my favorite band of all time ever is Social Distortion. Their lead singer got throat cancer and looked like it was kind of over. Then he fought through it and then they had a reunion show in Vegas. I texted him. Dude, you want to go to Vegas and see. That might be the last time you ever see him. I'm in. And we flew to Vegas. I mean, we're too old for that, dude. And it's still. Oh, and we're sitting at breakfast and he's like, dude, that's the bad religion. Baseball. Baseball player right there. I was like, no, it's not. He knows everybody. He knows everybody. Everyone. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, here in Nashville, everybody lives here now and he. He knows everybody. Everybody knows him. He's just. Like that line, like, I'm in. I'm down. Like, I want that to be my legacy. I want that to be on my tombstone. Here lies Deloney. I'm down. Oh, actually, I don't want to be down at that point. Yeah. Clearly, you're. Yeah. Duh. I'd rather not be down. It's. It'll be weird. It'll be weird to be here without Blake. Like I said, I've never. He's been my boss for 14 years and, gosh, he's walked with my family through, you know, cancer, kids being in the hospital. My daughter. You. Just you. Yeah. Just. That's a lot. But. Your husband calls me. He's like, what do I do? What do I do with her? I don't know what to do. Yeah. And he's. He is this place to me. Yeah. He is the heart and soul of this place. Yeah. He's the heart and soul of the show. He's the one. He's the one who got this thing off the ground for us. So. Shout out, Blake Thompson. We love you, brother. Ride or die, my man. And lucky for me, Social Distortion will be in Nashville in August and you and I will be with the kids down in the pit where we have no business being at our age. I'll see you there, brother. © transcript Emily Beynon