Caller: “My Husband Regrets Having Our Baby”

[MUSIC] >> My husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell. >> Good God. >> Yeah. >> This is a rare moment, but you stumped me on this one for a second. [MUSIC] >> What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking to real people who are struggling, who are going through life. Some people are celebrating. They're doing great and they just want to figure out what's the next right step. Wherever you find yourself, whether you've got questions about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got. After this show is about pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show where ever you are in the world, click the link in the show notes, and we'll work to get you on. Let's go out to San Francisco, California, and talk to Melinda. Hey, Melinda, what's up? >> Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. It's a true honor to speak with you. >> It's an honor to talk to you. It's not even, there's no sunshine up yet. You're early on the West Coast, so thanks for calling. >> Well, yeah, I haven't been afraid. I don't sleep very much, no problem. >> Nice. >> Nice. >> Yes. >> So what's up? >> Well, my husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell. >> Good job. >> And so my question, yeah. My question is, how do I both honor and understand the fear of his while also challenging his way of thinking? >> Jesus. Man, this is a rare moment, but you stumped me on this one for a second. >> No. >> Let me talk. I'll just talk my thought process out loud and we can kind of get there together. Where else in his world do giant fears kind of pin him down? >> Like economics, world war, the left is taken over, the right's taken over. Where does he have things in his world where the weight of it feels so big that he makes big grandiose statements like that? >> You know, this is honestly the first time I've ever heard him take this kind of statement. So we've been married for almost three years. I'd say the other fear in his life is when he stands before the Lord and has to be accountable and he does have fear of looking back on his life and God saying, "Oh, what have he done?" Even though he is a wonderful person who gives himself fully to others. >> Yeah. That's a tough, I wish I could just talk up coffee with him. That's like being married to you and I'm going to put out into the world that you're the best wife ever. You love him just recklessly and you'll laugh together and have fun and all that. But that's like him opening his eyes every morning and hoping to like being almost paralyzed and doing everything he possibly can because he thinks you're going to look at him and say, "I hate you." >> Yeah. >> Right. And that's a way to miss out on the beauty of relationship. It's the way to miss out. It completely misses the exchange of love, right? And it makes it very—yeah, I would love to hear his story on how he landed in a place that relationship is so fear-centric. >> Yeah. >> Unfortunately, he's not on the phone, so what I would talk to you—what I would walk with you is asking yourself two scary questions. One, what can you control here? You can't control his innate existential fears. They seem to guide every moment of his life, right? But you can control asking him, like I've heard you, I don't want to hear that again. You've made your point clear. I don't want our child growing up in a home where one of us is saying out loud, I regret bringing you here. I don't want that air to be in our home. And so I'm asking you to find somebody else to talk to about that. >> Yeah. >> Whether that's a minister, or a therapist, or a group of friends, but I don't want that air in this home. >> Yeah. >> And then if he looks at you and says, you know what, I get to say whatever I want, because it's my house, well, now you'll have to deal with that marriage issue, right? >> Right. >> Because honor and respect and kindness and love goes both ways. The second question I would ask you is, you being honest with yourself is this just a huge seasonal change, it is sparked a guy who clearly has some deep existential anxieties. Just about his, not even on earth, but the future, right? Is this him, suddenly his world is different? He's a dad now, he's a husband to a woman who's a mother now, and all of his identities have changed. And so he's saying things out of fear, out of frustration, that he probably doesn't mean, or maybe he does. So come into some sort of reality there. What do you think? >> Yeah, I think change is really hard for him. I think change is hard for everyone. We also, you know, our baby, we had to be in the NICU, and there was an extensive surgery and it was really, it was really rough with the surgery, very scary, and so we didn't have control at the beginning, and we found out my 20-week ultrasound about this condition. And so, for half of my pregnancy, we were just, you know, very fearful of the outcome of our baby's life, and so I don't know if it would have been like this if we had just a normal? >> Sure. >> I don't know. That. >> So, there's small things that happen in tiny bite-sized moments, in a marriage and a relationship, that, and it sounds so trite and silly, I know that, okay? But what we're doing is working with somebody we love, we're connecting with somebody we love, and we're, the aim here is to, for both of us, to reset our default setting. So for 20-plus weeks or however long you carry this pregnancy, this baby meant terror, right? To you, to your husband, and there's no way that doesn't impact your relationship. >> Yeah. >> Right? And so, beginning to change our default setting, to now, this baby means love and opportunity and reckless joy and laughter and sleepless nights and millions of diapers, right? >> Yeah. >> But that default setting doesn't change in one big-fell swoop, almost always, right? >> Mm-hmm. >> The way it changes is, every morning, you look at him and say, "Hey, before you go to work, what are three things you're grateful for about our new life, about our baby?" >> Mm-hmm. >> And you give three things. And then right before you go to sleep, you say, "What's there's three favorite things of today?" >> Yeah. >> And you all begin to, what, what you'll, the Brunei brand is a great quote that I love. It's what you go looking for in the world you're sure to find. >> Oh, wow. >> And so, if you all begin to orient yourself towards not what could have been in this angst and every conversation becomes tense, and by the way, here's things that nobody talks about in these moments, there's serious financial ramifications here that impact your life. There's serious work complications, there's time off, there's all of that stuff, right? >> Yeah. >> There's identity issues I've sat with, I mean, I can't even count the number of women I've sat with that had this underlying, I can't believe my body didn't, like, it's supposed to do one job, right? >> Yeah. >> And it becomes this, I can't even trust my own body, right? And that becomes disorienting. >> Hold on. So, being able to have a new marriage, which, by the way, you'll have a brand new marriage, the one you had is over, right? What do we want this thing to look like, and more importantly, how do I want our house to feel? And I talk about that a lot, like, from, like, how fun that conversation is, but sometimes that conversation is, I want you to stop talking about X, Y, or Z. Right, because if we both want our house to feel warmed, to feel full of love, to feel whatever. And he's always been, like, looking at this baby, this sweet, how old, how many months old? >> Four, four months. >> Yeah, I got baby fever so bad right now, like, a little four month old. >> It's pretty great. >> Yeah, but also, it's pretty not great, it's both, right? It's the best worst thing ever, right? And I don't, if you look at that baby and you're, like, can't believe, I brought you here. Like, I may have doomed you for all. of eternity. Like that becomes a pretty gnarly way of experiencing this magic, right? And it, you change the default setting slowly over time. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess I'll tell you, man, also there's, there's only limited influence you have. Yeah. And he, because of this, he doesn't want any more children. And he said, you know, we could adopt because then we'd be helping somebody already boring, but right now he's like, I think we should be done. And you know, that's heartbreaking for me. It is, but you also have a seat, an equal vote of the table to say, I don't think we are. Okay. And, and say like, we got tension here, making big, huge life decisions with a four month old sitting here, especially after a one or two or three month, the Nick, you stay, not a good time to make like final declarations, right? Yeah. The guy who trained me, Dr. Andy Young, one of the most important men in my life, the guy who trained me on crisis stuff. He always, he, he told me personally, like, this is a two you, John, but also globally. But after a big life changing event, don't change anything in your life for minimum of six months, but probably better a year. Don't sell your house. Don't quit your job. Don't just let the smoke clear on this new world you have. Yeah. And that is not how I operate, like something big happens. All right. Let's, like, right, the stock market's going to go down. Let's sell everything. Let's move to the wood. Like, that's my impulse. And is like, just hang tight for a second. All right. Hang tight for a second. And so I would hear that and remember that you have an equal voice at that table. And if you find that he won't hear you, shut you down. That is a, a point of tension. You hear me say this whole time. Tensions the doorway to great communication to a great marriage. So the bigger conversation there is the story I'm making up is that your opinions are more important than mine in this marriage. And that makes me feel small. That makes me feel less than. And he might say, you're right. I'm the man. And if y'all got to deal with that problem, jeez, Louise, or hopefully he would say, oh, no, no, that's not what I mean. Yeah. Right. And then he would be the second one. Yeah. And that's my hope for most of the time. But yeah. But he would say, I've got really big feelings about this. And you can say, I do too. And our feelings, big feelings are different. And let's let that disconnection slowly bring us together over time instead of draw battle lines in our marriage. Yeah. This is a tough one. And it's, I think it's especially tough. When somebody's anxiety response is the exact opposite thing of what we need right now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Or maybe even different the need what we desperately want right now. Our partner's anxiety response is just the polar opposite. Yes. And that's hard to navigate sometimes. The only way to navigate is to put it all on the table. So let me tell you this. You're not nuts. I rarely talk about the intricacies of my faith on the show. It's just I, I, I, it's, that's, that's, that's mine, if you will. But I think, if I, if he was sitting in front of me, your husband, I would tell him you got this thing wrong. The purpose of this thing is love. The purpose of faith, the purpose of belief in God and higher power is so you can exhale, because you're anchored to something bigger than you could ever be. Your love is the connecting fiber of every cell, every tissue in your body, every heartbeat. Like that's what's woven through the fabric of humanity. Even the rocks cry out like it is, it is the fabric. And if you miss that and just look for what your particular denomination says is some ultimate punishment. And you just live in white knuckle fear. Um, man, you've just missed the whole thing. Yeah. No to me. Yeah. And I hate that for me. And you can't change that. I can't change that. Hopefully he's will come to some revelation with good mentorship with good friends. Yeah. Yeah. And he's just started counseling or therapy. And so he, and he talked to his therapist yesterday about it. And he's really, really wanting to get help with this. That's awesome. Um, my gut belief is my, my gut belief is that this is an expression of a much deeper anxiety issue. Yeah. I'm not diagnosing it in any way, but this is these grandiose statements, these big, prophetic, um, existential statements are rooted in a deep seated on anchored man. And man, the fact that he's going to work to get himself anchored is so great, so beautiful, so awesome. So thank you so, so much for the call. Um, I hate that he said that. I hate that y'all have that tension in your marriage, but I do think this tension is a path forward for both of you and remain optimistic as best you can that we are going to create a new marriage here. And we get to decide what it looks like, what it feels like, what we're doing, what our roles are. Um, and with a four month old, you're going to recreate your marriage like six times the next year, right? Um, but we are going to continue to work to come closer and closer together and both voices count at the table. Thank you so much to call my friend. It's great talking to you. We come back. A man asks how to navigate reconnecting with his father after 16 years in prison. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or tea bone steak or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cut well. This is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives from Montana knife company. And it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana knife company knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfect it. Montana knife company makes their knives right here in the United States in years of experience going to every blade. 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So if you've been before a couple years ago or three years ago, whatever every year we wrap it up and do something completely different and new. And man, I'm super jazzed about this year. We got some great guests that are going to be here. We have some it's Nashville. So there's you never know who's going to walk out on stage. But it is amazing. It's October 22nd through 24th. Take a start at 749 bucks. The couple prices are going to go up. It will probably sell out before the prices go up. But get them ASAP like strengthen your connection, strengthen your communication skills, strengthen your conflict skills. Man, we talk about sex. We talk about money. We talk about all of it. And we want you to leave with a toolkit for building the marriage that you and your spouse want. So October 22nd to 24th here in Nashville, click the link in the show notes and it will get you to the page. And hopefully there's still a few tickets available for you. So go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Ramon. What's up, Ramon? Hey, Dr. John, nice talking to you. Thank you for taking my call. You got it, brother. Thanks for calling in. Man, what's up? Yes. So you kind of alluded to it earlier, but my father is getting out of prison here in the next 25 days after serving 16, almost 17 years. He went in when I was eight years old and everything before that. We were best friends and everything after that. I only have talked to him in a handful of times. And so yeah, this is coming up and just kind of, you know, reawakening some old fears, some old traumas. And yeah, I just need help navigating that, how to set boundaries. And then also my family from my mom's side wants nothing to do with him. And I'm kind of in the middle. So I just want to hear your opinion. You're one of the guys I look up to the most. So and I relate to a lot of what you say. Well, brother, I'm honored by that. I appreciate you riding with us. Tell me about your family first. You married, get kids? Yes. So I just got married this year. couple months ago. We thank you. Yeah, we are, we don't have kids, but that is in the near plans. And, you know, I am the middle child of three, have a older brother and a little sister, and they both have kids. They're awesome. My niece is an FU's. It's kind of one of my favorite things up, doing life is being an uncle to them. But yeah, as you can imagine, they're kind of hesitant to do with all this going on. How much older is your brother and how much younger is your sister? So I am the middle of two years older, and she's about two years younger. Okay, so there actually is, and we'll get into some of the specifics here, but I think that what I want you to let guide you over the next few months is grace for everybody. Now, that doesn't impact what you do next, but it impacts the ethos with which you operate in the world. Here's what I mean. You were eight when your dad went away. Your brother was 10. There's a big difference between eight and 10. That's third grade to fifth grade. Right? And so his memory, his experiences, he was probably a little bit bigger kid, could see some stuff, could experience some stuff is going to be very different than yours. Yeah, you're your doll, I mean, your sister who is six at the time, she may not remember anything. Yeah, and you got exactly right. And her memories become a cocktail of stories people have told her. And possibly being scared in the middle of night, if your dad was going off on something, you know what I'm saying? So if they say, absolutely not, we're cutting them out. He can't see his grandkids. Let your first breath be one of grace. I get it. You don't know that guy, or I get it. You're scared to death. Because if you respond with rage, how dare you, it's our dad, it won't change them at all. All it does is ruin your day, your moment. Right. And so I don't have to agree with you, but I understand. And that's just a helpful way to go through the world. But why did your dad go away for 16, 17 years? Yeah, that's another layer to it. When he was younger, he did commit kind of child molestation. Not kind of. Yes, sorry. Yes, he did commit child molestation against a family member. And yeah, this kind of came to light about 15 years later. And the judge ruled it. And he was put away for 16 years. So, okay. So your brother and your sister's impulse that I don't want this man around our children, that's a good impulse for them to have his parents. Yep, that's what they've always said. And when you have kids, you'll understand how we feel. So yeah, it puts me in a weird position because I don't, but I understand. And I'm always kind of been. The handful of times I've talked to him, it's like all about his kids. And it's like, it's kind of the thing that keeps him going in a way that he says. So I've always kind of had that empathy towards him. Yeah, but that empathy for you becomes a really big burden. And here's how he's sitting with you. And either one of those weird little dimly lit or like awkwardly lit cafeteria rooms where he's allowed to have hisitation once a month or once a year with this, with this, you know, adult son, or y'all talking through that plexiglass thing on the phone. Like what have we all are communicating, right? What he does in those moments is he tells me he misses y'all. He wants to know how everybody's doing, wants to know about grandkids, all that. But then he takes the brick of his well-being and he hands it to you and says, Hey, you carry this. You're my reason for being alive. If you don't do xyz, I'm not going to make it. And I'll tell you, as a young man, that's not your responsibility to carry the anchoring of your dad. It's his job to find meaning and purpose outside. And man, he's dealt with some significant consequences. And those consequences don't just end the moment you walk out of prison, right? Right. And so handing you the responsibility to make sure he's not okay, like food and water, right? But that he is psychologically and spiritually and emotionally grounded. That's not yours. That's not your brick to carry. Right. And so my hope would be he would come out mature enough to say, it breaks my heart. I want nothing more in the world than to hug my grandkids that I've never met. I want to hug my sons. I want to hug my daughter. And I understand that they don't want that right now. That'd be my hope. And that he makes his life's mission about becoming the man outside of the walls that he can be proud of. And maybe, maybe not, earn back trust over time. But that's his job. Your job, and I get a lot of hate for this, but your job is to honor your father. That doesn't mean you give him 100% unfettered access to your life, to your world, to your wife, to your nieces, to your nephews. That means I'm not going to, I'm not going to talk bad about you. That means if I feel safe and I feel comfortable, I'll meet you for coffee. That doesn't mean he gets a key to your house. Yeah. No, that's what I'm trying to figure out how those interactions and how I'm going to navigate that moment. How do you know? I am 26. Okay. I'm going to tell you something that I wish you had been taught when you were younger. And I wish I had been taught when I was younger. It's very hard to do what I'm about to tell you. Okay, very, very hard. But if you learn this at 26, you're going to save yourself 20 years of, uh, that I personally endured because I didn't have the skill set for this. You ready? Yep. You hold all of the cards. All of them. And you have, get to be, get to stand up as a 26 year old husband, man, future father. And say the words as for me in my household, this is what this is going to look like. Taking a stand like that will come with backlash. It will come with other people's opinions. It will come with that I'm not talking to you anymore or you're not welcome here either. It will come with consequences. But here's a deal. It will be yours. And so if he gets out of prison and you find yourself instantly, and this is very common, by the way, your body will go right back to where you were eight years old. Okay. And then you will, and you probably had some responsibility to make sure dad didn't get mad. Make sure dad is you've been carrying that forever. And you feel it especially heavy like somebody put a couple more plates on the weight bar because your brother and sister don't want anything to do with him. So you feel extra responsibility. And what you end up becoming is a peacekeeper. You end up becoming your life is not building a beautiful safe like concrete and steel marriage with your wife and for your future kids. But it becomes like you become an emotional caretaker. Right. But if you met him for lunch when he got out and you met with your wife and you all had come up with a plan and you sat down with him and said, "Dude, I'm glad you're out. Yadda yadda ba ba ba. Here's what our relationship will look like over the next six months." Right. And you outline you detail. Here's what this is going to be. And he can fight you. He can push you back. I guarantee you he has this movie he's been playing over and over in his head for the last 15 years on what this day will look like, what the next few weeks will look like. And it's your job to tell him here's the actual movie. Here's what's going to look like. And there's no way around it. This is a brutal hard conversation. Yeah. Right. And the important things I would tell you is be as honest as you can as clear as you can, crystal clear and put time limits on things. Meaning for six months that I'm not going to give you my address. I want you to get out and settle get here. We'll meet for coffee once a week or once a month or I'm not ready to meet with you on a regular basis. But here's what this will look like. Give it a second. Yeah. No, I really like that. I think having a six month plan sitting down with my wife going over exactly what I want. And I'm still trying to figure out what I want and a good, a good spouse will be able to see your blind spots, if you will. Just last night, my wife and I were driving to a dinner and in the car, I said, hey, here's some things I'm thinking about doing. Will you look for or listen for blind spots, I've gotten this. And as I rattle off, I want to try this, I want to do this, I want to do this, I want to do this. She was able to say this particular thing that you called out, you're always a wreck after that. Is it worth it? And that's not her telling me no, it's her doing exactly what I asked and her showing me great love and friendship and her willingness to wait into my big plans and I've always got big plans and say, this is how I experience you, this is how our kids experience you, this is how you experience you after this. So if you sit down with a plan with your wife and say, man, I want to give it six months, I'm going to meet him once a month or once a week for coffee or for lunch or whatever. We're going to slowly come back in here and then you look at your wife and say, as you hear me say this plan out loud, what do you feel? What do you feel about me? How have you experienced me when I got home from visiting him in prison? Was I a wreck for two weeks? Was I feeling full of shame and guilt that I get mad at my brothers and sisters? Give her an opportunity to speak into what she's experienced in real time and that will bring you all to closer together, it just says a couple, but also, man, she provides an extraordinary second set of eyes on you. When you sting well and whole and anchored in this interaction, it's going to be really powerful, but you hold the cards here. Honest, clear and time limits, three months, six months, one year, two years. We're not going to do Thanksgiving. We are not going to do Christmas. We are going to be very clear and it will set you free, that clarity. And also, it will come with consequences, make no mistake, and you're probably not going to make anybody happy and that's okay. Do us right for you and for your wife and for your home and always show up to those interactions with your dad in the best version of yourself. Be a person who's respectful, even if somebody doesn't "deserve" respect, be somebody who treats people with dignity, even if the world says they don't deserve dignity, I'm going to always be kind. I'm going to always be honest. I'm going to always be straightforward. I always treat you with honor and respect and honor and respect is not mean. You get to tell me what to do with my life. Thanks for the call, brother. You're a good man, dude. You're a good, good man. It's amazing how you've grown up with a dad-sized hole in your heart, I'm proud of you, brother. Stay on the path and get some good men in your life that you can trust to walk alongside you. You come back, a woman asks, "If teachers can use the phrase, how do we want our classroom to feel to create classroom expectations, love it, we'll be right back." This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states, visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round trip drive across the country and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all of this madness is number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed. And that great amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress. My Helix Midnight Lux mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. My family, my friends, everyone around me is starting to sleep on Helix mattresses mainly because I won't shut up about how great they are even when the cameras and the lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it, it takes like two minutes and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers too. A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixleep.com/delony for their best of the web offer and get 27% off sight wide. That's 27% off sight wide at helix, H-E-L-I-X, helix sleep.com/delony. With helix, better sleep starts right now. All right. We're back. Hit the like and subscribe and share button. It's a gift to us on this team. It's a gift to the listeners. It's a gift to people who've never heard of us that will otherwise get the show popped up in their internet feeds. So thank you so, so much for doing that. Let's go to Portland, Oregon and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on? I am a school teacher and teach third grade and I'm headed back to a student's next week and I was thinking this summer about, you know, they wanted to set up our classroom expectations with our kids and do that as a group activity. Haven't really been very good at that in the past. So I was thinking this summer about using your system of, you know, how would you like our classroom to feel, you know, to set up those expectations and then if we, if that works, then how do we like enforce it and stuff? You are the best. You're the best. Like you're literally the best, thinking like, let me just like on so many levels, you're the best like the fact that you've dedicated yourself to third graders, that's a tough age. You're the best. The fact that you weighed into a education system that is basically designed to like ground you down to ash and you still show up because you love kids. And for the privilege of grounding you down to ash, you make less than minimum wage. So thanks for that. Like right. Like you're just an incredible person and on top of all of that, or you know what underneath all of that heading into the year, your chief challenge in your, in your mind and spirit is, how do I bring these kids together? How do I give them a place where they can drop their shoulders and exhale and then actually learn something? Right. Like man, you're awesome. Like you're awesome. Thanks. Um, I know it doesn't feel like that when you get your direct deposit, but you're awesome. You're awesome. Um, as a tax paying citizen, we are failing you and I'm sorry. So yes, and here's, I probably, I'm glad you're asking this question because I need to do a better job of extrapolating this out. That question that I credit was saving my marriage. How do you want this house to feel? One thousand percent can be used in a classroom, it can be used in an office setting, it can be used in any situation where there's relational interaction in a closed environment, right? But I don't do a good enough job talking about is after we made that declaration, how do we want this house to feel? Wanted to warmth full of laughter? We both want to be happy when the other person's coming home. We both want to be happy when we're coming home. That came with a lot of discussion on the practices that had to take place for us to get here. So for instance, um, and I don't know if I don't think I've ever talked about this. Maybe I have, but I don't remember. Here I, I've vomited up and I've told that story, I'm like, I want this house to feel warm. Don't you be happy? I'm here, whatever. My wife's immediate response and it was one thousand percent right was, okay, you can't bring your last meeting with you home. You can't sit with students hurting people and their families all day and have no outlet and we live five minutes from work and you bust in this house because we all feel all of those conversations you had. Right. You got to go to the gym. You've got to go for a walk. You have to go to yoga. You have to have a thing that allows you to transition from here to there or from there to here. Also, uh, we, in my house, I went as far as when I eat certain things and for me in certain volumes, right? One day, two day, three days later, I haven't slept well. So I get up early and then I don't feel good and I eat more crap and then I skip a thing. Three days later, my family pays the price for my grumpiness, my procrastination, my right? And so to get that house that we wanted, like this, this feeling we wanted, it took a ton of action and really the magic there was coming up with a set of shared values. This is who we are. Okay. And the beauty for that in a classroom is, if you gave your students the opportunity to, how do I want this class to feel? And they're probably going to be like third graders don't often have a good connective, good connective tissue, like emotions, right? They're all over the place. Right. Right. Um, but teaching them about that emotional regulation, my gosh, you're changing their life. And then number two, you're truly changing their life. you begin to give them, you begin to empower them that you guys actually have choices on how you feel on big things. And then what I think would be the magic of this whole thing is y'all coming up with the set of shared values for your classroom. Here's who we are going to be. Okay. And then here's a silly one. Not a silly one. This is a great one. No making fun of each other. Because if we want this classroom to be a place that we love coming and we think is super fun and is making fun of people will hurt that for some people. So we're going to say no making fun of people. When it comes to third grade, when the first person makes fun of somebody, the conversation you have, the disciplinary conversation, the behavioral correction conversation is so anchored. It keeps you from being you versus this kid. Okay. And it points back to, hey, this is who we said we were going to be. How do you get back to we? Yeah, I like that. Right. And it keeps in that way, you're always on the student side. I hate that you, it breaks my heart that you made fun of Suzy. Because now you can't do this thing. And this thing is not as fun when you're not with us. Right. Right. And they begin to grasp really deeply. My choices have direct consequences. And this woman here called my teacher. She loves me. And she's just willing to sit in my hug with me and give me a path back to us. Do we? Yeah, I like that. So yeah, I wish every teacher would ask how do we want this room to feel and go through that exercise? Because it points back to a set of shared values. And then you make it a kid like I was a public school teacher and a private school teacher. You make it a kid is like, I don't, those are stupid. Those aren't my rules. And sometimes you get that. And we've got to just go right to the middle of that, right? Because we're the adults. But it does give an anchoring to a classroom. That's what I'm looking for. Well, and if you, by the way, if you call it out, like let's say you'll come up with four or five words, how you want this room to feel. When they have those sweet spot moments, especially at the beginning of school, when the whole room feels warm, when everyone's laughing really hard, when somebody does a great job on a thing and we're celebrating them as a class, call that out. Go point to it on the board or on the wall where you'll have hung it up, your set of values. And look at them and say, we're doing it. This is what this feels like. And they'll begin to connect the dots there. That sounds great. You are awesome. You are awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you. I appreciate your time and you're helping me walk through this. No, you're the best. And I know, can I just say this out loud? This is going to be really hard in the face of third grade. I don't know how does an organ, but for most states, that's what they've got to do. They're mandatory testing. And that's when they have to, right? And what to do are read alouds. And we've got to, it's going to be hard to try to keep a human center amidst all that robotic, mechanical, nonsensical madness. Right. And so, man, you doing that? Ah, so good. And if they have to do test prep, if you're calling it out and saying, this for right now is not going to feel warm or joyful. But when you are confident on this test, you're going to smile when you know the answers. So we're working, we're going to hard things now to get to these feelings later. I like that. Yes. You're like, man, and you have, you've given, I'm a smile all day because I got to talk to you. You're the best, the best, the best. Thank you for loving those kids. And every teacher out there, man, watching how teachers impact my children, I'll get all choked up here. So I'll be quiet. It's magic to the great teachers out there. Thank you so much for giving your lives up for kids like mine. And it's an honor. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times. But then no one sees you snap at your spouse. Then I'll see you sitting awake at 2am running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health Therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health Therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/delony for 10% off. That's Better Health. H-E-L-P.com/delony. All right, we're back. It's sad day, Kelly. I know. Now, I know I realize when this show comes out, this will have happened a month ago, but for us right now, Dolly Parton died yesterday. Yeah. And I will quote a message I saw on social this morning that just said, I wasn't even, I had never even found them in the fact that she could die. Yeah. It was like we would always have her. Yeah. It was kind of like, wouldn't that the agreement with with God? We always got Dolly. The her ability to be universally loved by everyone. And to, in my opinion, get way, way above the fray, the nonsense, the madness, the where do you stand on? This person who, like behind closed door, like what I love to see is the notes and letters coming out from everyone from hip-hop artists to heavy metals. She's constantly sitting people, notes of encouragement. I see you and I appreciate you. Her giving gillians and gillians of dollars to help children's literacy, like the food stuff that drives as she does here in Nashville, like the stuff that never made the news, like her, her stand of, like she took a stand by never taking a stand, like, I don't need to take stand. My stand is love and I'm going to move forward and do the next right thing for my community, for people, for people I don't know, for the least of these. It's such an extraordinary. The fruit is everybody's having kind of a low day today. You know what I mean? And yeah, it's just kind of, yeah, it doesn't occur to you. She could die. Yeah, yesterday when we found out on our floor, I mean, there was legit tears from people. It was just so shocking. Yeah. Yeah. And as Tennessee ends, I don't know. I mean, I think that we're hit a little harder just because she was one of ours here. And she did so much for our state in addition to everything else, but millions and millions of dollars of aid and help from, I mean, from her personally, when things happened in our state. So maybe we feel it a little more, but I think everyone feels it. Yeah. Yeah. I woke up early this morning and listened to Jolene and it just fell, right? So shout out to the great Dolly Parton. I do have to ask what's your favorite Dolly Parton song? Oh, there's no question Jolene. It's Masterpiece. Master, master, master, masterpiece. And there's so many layers to that song that's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. That's first song I listen to this morning when I woke up. Just shout out. So however you grieve, however you mourn, however you show respect, you know what? Today, it feels like I remember when Johnny Cash died. It was just kind of this larger than life person that you know, it doesn't occur to you. Like, they'll always be here. And yeah. So however you honor somebody and celebrate them. Shout out to the great Dolly Parton. Fellow Tennessee. Love you guys. Bye.