Caller: “My Husband Has a Secret Tik Tok Account”

(upbeat music) - Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchill Mortgage.com. - I was about one month postpartum with our second baby. I had found my partner's Secret Tiktok account where he was telling women that he loved them and commenting and messaging them some really gross things. - That's a big, big deal. You've been together almost a decade now. Is he cheater on you before? (upbeat music) - Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people. Who are trying to figure out how do we make sense of this wild world we've been dropped into and how do we make sense of our marriages, our relationships with our kids, our co-workers, our jobs, our mental and emotional health, relationships with ourselves, all of it. So if you'd like to be on this show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Hey, before we start the show, listen. It is almost sold out, but my friend Rachel Cruz and I put on what I believe, and again, I'm a little bit biased, is the greatest marriage retreat on the planet. October 22nd through 24th, come to Nashville, Tennessee. You and spouse, and man, we will have a blast. Live Q&As, teaching special guests, panel discussions. I'll answer your anonymous questions, we'll do it all. And we will laugh a lot. There's usually a lot of tears that are shed, and most importantly, we do not shy away from any topic. We'll talk about sex, we'll talk about your money, we'll talk about how to be married, why you got kids or don't have kids or wish you had kids. And this year, every year we change up all the talks, we change up all the information, we change up everything. And this year you're going to leave with a plan. You'll hear me say this all the time, how do you, you got to rebuild your marriage all the time? You're going to leave with a step-by-step guide on how to do that. So go to rambsysolutions.com/events or click the link in the show notes and it sells out every year, it always sells out. But get on at ASAP, it will be gone soon. It's got the West minister, Colorado, and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up? - Hey, Dr. John, how are you? - Good, how are you? - I'm doing okay. - What's going on? - So a few months ago, I was about one month postpartum with our second baby. And I had found my partner's secret to talk account that he had for three years, where he was telling women that he loved them and he was just going on these random grosses profiles and just commenting and messaging them some really gross things. And I don't know how to move on. I feel myself building resentment and I just, I don't know how to talk to him about it. Sorry. - No, you're okay. That's a big, big deal. - Yeah, we've been together almost nine years. So it's a little bit of a rough patch that I'm finding myself having a hard time just trusting him and like, we had a conversation about it, but I feel like in the moment, the conversation went good, but I haven't really noticed any change or at least changing how I feel, I don't feel like, any more secure, and so many more months later, I don't know how to talk to him about it. - Yeah. Has this happened before you've been together almost a decade now? Has he cheated on you before? Has there been, like, an unsettled feeling in your relationship before? - Physically, I don't think he's cheated on me, but the whole tick-tock thing in social media has always been an issue in our relationship. - Tell me about that. - When we were together for two years, I had found, I just had weird feelings and I went through his phone and we saw that he was on a tick-tock and Instagram, like, you know, liking pictures of half-naked women and hiding it. And I talked to him about it and he was really remorseful and, you know, I was, I was kind of, like, really into care back then and so I was just like, you know, it's fine, you know, things happen. I haven't really had, like, a secure relationship before that. So I was just like, I moved on from it, still kind of, you know, didn't have complete trust issues. And then we had our son three years ago. And for some reason, I thought having a kid would, you know, make everything a lot more secure and I put my full trust in him and just kind of didn't think anything of the social media stuff for quite a while. And it was just about a year and a half ago that I had found pornography in his photos. Try to bring it up to him and say, you know, like, you know, this crosses the boundaries we've set, we've talked about things like this before. I really found it, like, holding my son in my arms while he was sleeping. - Love gosh. - And so it was just, like, I don't know. - Was it pornography, like, professionals or was it colleagues and people he works with? - No, I think it was just random things he found online. - I just saved it. Okay. - Yeah. And so. - So bring me fast forward to, here's a couple of like principles I want you to, just put in your back pocket, okay? - Okay. - Trust is something you do. - Yeah. - And when you do it well, when, in this situation, a married couple, when you all do trust well, then over time it increasingly produces a feeling of security. But when trust is broken, relying on how I feel is a really tough barometer, because your body's got one job. And that's to keep you safe. It never wants you to hurt like this again. And it will keep moving the feeling finish line. And so you have to rely on, and the reason I'm explaining it a little bit more than I usually do is I get a lot of questions about this. You've got to give him a path. And then you've got to hope and pray that he will follow that path. - Yeah. - And you're not going to feel like it for a while, 'cause he's been doing this over and over and over again. Another way to say this is he's revealed who he is. - Yeah. - And there's two parts to that. Number one, he is revealed. He likes looking at naked women. That doesn't make him insane. That makes him a normal guy, right? - Yeah. - But he also is a man who doesn't believe in the fidelity agreement he made with his wife. 'Cause y'all said, like you said, you y'all talked about, here's what we both agree is fidelity and what's not. He doesn't care that he is hurting his wife. - Yeah. - You know what I'm saying? - And I brought up, yeah, I do. When I brought up the last TikTok stuff a few months ago, he asked me like, what do you want me to do? Delete social media forever. - Yeah, that's what I should have said. But I think I was just so, it was one month postpartum with our second child. It was just like in shock, I don't know why it would be in shock if it happened before. But like, I think it was more to an extreme extent. - Yeah. - So I was like, the whole picture I've had of him has shattered. - Yes. - And I think I was just in shock from it. So I didn't know what to say. But I wish I like hear your advice all the time. And I wish I would have told him like, you know, for the past forward, like we gotta, you gotta delete social media and prove to me that it's not gonna happen again because it's all been word, it's never been actions. - So all we have to do is this. Living in the, I should have or I wish I did, it just drains any sort of energy for, and you as a mom of two kids, you as a wife of a guy that has repeatedly shown you, I don't really care what you feel. I don't. Right? And by the way, you and I both know this is not just with naked pictures on social media, 'cause he went the extra step to create a fake account under a fake name that you would have to really look for. So that's intentional deception. That's not just I lingered too long or I was watching a movie and then I was like, oh, and then I, you know what I mean, saying, like he went out of his way to create a world that you didn't exist in. - Yeah, you're right. - And so that's a big deal. So you hear me say this a lot, I'll say it again, you're not crazy for feeling the way you feel. 'Cause this is bigger than just his eyeballs on half naked women. This is a pattern of you saying this matters to me and we both agreed this matter to us And he's like, cool, cool, cool. I'm gonna do any. better job of hiding it. Yeah. Right? And so instead of, instead of wrapping like spinning any energy on a shoot of a shoot of a shoot of a shoot of, let's spend all that energy on, here's what I'm going to do next. Yeah. And if you're anything like me, you get hyper emotional, like I, you probably don't get hyper emotional like I do, but like your feelings get big when you have hard conversations, so write it down. We talked four months ago, I didn't give you a path, that's on me. Here's what must be true moving forward. You asked me, I'll do anything, what do you want me to do? I'm telling you now. I want to watch you delete social media off the phone. Yeah. In fact, I want us to go to the AT&T store, the sprint mobile store, whatever, and I want us to get flip phones for a season. Yeah. Or whatever, whatever in your world, I want to get a router thing for our home internet and for the phone, so it'll text me every time you go to one of the sites. Yeah, that's a good idea. Right? You get to decide what you need, what you, more importantly, what you want. And then he gets to decide whether he wants to walk that path or not. Yeah, true. I just haven't wanted to. I've been so focused on what I don't want to make him feel, but like I think it should be the other way around. And I haven't put myself first in that way. Yeah. And this sounds counterintuitive, but marriage only works if two people are dedicated at some level to trying to out serve each other. But that service begins with service to self. I've got to make sure I'm whole and well so that I can give myself a way to you. And part of you being whole and well is not having a husband who just rubs your nose in his disregard for your sense of safety and sense of well-being and sense of beauty and like connectivity and integrity, right? Like part of you being well is I have to be able to trust you. You're the father of my kids. Yeah. Right? And here's what trust looks like. Here's the path. Yeah, because you know, I find myself I'm like I go crazy because anytime like I walk into the room or or like I'm over in the kitchen and he's in the living room. I'm like so busy trying to look over his shoulder who he's doing on his phone. And I'm tired of being so focused on what he's doing. Right. And you're right. That's just. And you're not present with yourself. You're not present with your kids. You're not present with him. You're present with trying to stay safe. And that puts you in this hyper vigilant state where you're always looking and looking and looking and looking and wondering and wondering. And when you're looking and wondering, you're also making up stories. And in your case, there's been enough times that your stories might be true, right? Yeah. And let me ask you this question. Is there a deeper level here that here you are with two kids and you're doing all the stuff around the house and you got this guy over there just scrolling his phone. Yeah. And so if you look back on the nine years old have been together and you feel like he's been cheating on you with that phone for a long time and not just messaging other women, which is disgusting in and of itself. But in like, hey, what's so beautiful on that phone that it's more important than me. Yeah. Why don't you want to be in here making dinner with the family? Why don't you be in here playing with your kids? Yeah. And so having that deeper conversation, I want you present in the home. Yeah. I want to partner. I want a husband. Yeah. And the crazy thing is Dr. John are not even married yet. Yeah. Why not? I don't know what he says he's going to propose this year. And he thought that I wanted this big extravagant wedding. And I told him no, like, I'm fine with going to the courthouse and we're doing a little party. And like, but you just got to propose. You've got to show me that you want it. And he tells me he wants it. But okay, let me ask you. I'm going to ask you a really hard question. Okay. How long has he been telling you that? A couple years now. And you've heard me say this a thousand times if behaviors are language. What's he telling you? Yeah. It's not a very big priority for him. There's always an excuse of, well, we got to do this first. We got to do that first. So yeah, you're right. And I just went to I want to kick you while you're down. Okay. I just want to paint you another picture. I just went to a wedding of a young man and a young woman in Texas. And that guy would have burned the building down to marry that girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was like a laser beam, eyes locked. This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'll fight all of you guys, but we're getting married. And I guess that's what you hear me say. You're worth that. You're worth that level. And this is gosh. Now we're getting to do some. This call is taking a different turn than I was expecting, but I want to do justice by you. Okay. Where do y'all live? We live in Westminster, Colorado. No, I mean, like tell me like you live in apartment. Do you live in a home? Do you all have y'all bought a house? Like where do y'all live? Yeah, we live in a third story apartment. This is name on the lease. Um, both of ours is both. Okay. So this is really hard for me to say, because you don't need any more weight in the backpack you're carrying, but I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I didn't say it. You as a mother of two unmarried to him are so frighteningly exposed right now. Yeah. Like if he chooses just to walk out that door, your name's on that lease. Yeah. Suddenly you got to come up with all the rent. Are you and your two kids have nowhere to go? You know, you're right. I know. I listened to David. I'll be all the time. I know I hear it. There's just not there's no there's not a legal process to split things up. There's this I'm walking out the door. Yeah. And you can have common law. Y'all can figure that all out, but man, what a nightmare that would be trying to keep too, because that will take a while months if not years. And your kids will need to eat today, right? You'll need to eat today. Yeah. He's asked me and I'm like, and I see in some ways he's trying to be a better man. And I really do. I just, and I don't, to my full heart, I know he wouldn't just leave me and the kids high and dry. And then he's a really good dad. He is. I think a lot of insecurity in his life has driven him. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but like for some reason I'm so empathetic towards the situation, no matter how much it's hurt me, because I see how insecure he still is to an extent. And I know that he's so insecure driven that it's a, you know, it's affected our relationship. It's affected our kids. And I just have to draw that boundary of it physically, like something needs to change physically. It just can't be words anymore. Well, in your insecure too. I am, I am. And so you'll have this dynamic of insecurity in your home. And one of you responds to insecurity by trying to be a peacekeeper and just put their head down and slowly but surely bury themselves. And the other person deals with insecurity by numbing and living in a fantasy world, where he thinks he's having interactions with all these half-naked women all over the planet that may or may not even be real people. Yeah, and it's kind of, I feel awful for saying this, but I'm like, grossed out all of the time. And we have sex, or I think about it too much. And it's just, like, there's nothing awful about that. There's nothing awful about that at all. That's your real feeling. It's a true, real, honest, good feeling. Yeah, I just don't know how to be honest with him about it. Okay, you know, you know how to be honest with him? Lead with that. I don't know how to be honest with you. So I'm just going to say it all. Okay? Yeah. And you can use what I, like, you'll hear me say on the show a lot, like, hey, can I be honest with you? Can I tell you something really hard? I say that all the time as a way to model how to have uncomfortable conversations. So look at him and say, I need to say a few things that are really hard. And if you, if you're honest, like, I love you, I want to continue to try to create a life with you. But the relationship we've had for the last nine years, where I can't trust you, I can see that's over now. And my hope would be that he would watch you rise up like a phoenix. Yeah. And begin to take ownership of the woman inside your own skin and say, dude, I deserve more. And by the way, I love you and you deserve more too. Yeah. And maybe the greatest gift you could give him as a path. Here's what I want. Yeah, you're right. And you walk in the door on your phone to go in a drawer. I don't want to see it again. I want to see your eyeballs. Yeah. And maybe you need to do that too though. I mean, there you go. Deep without, well, I mean, you all are just in and who's, you all are just both numbing each other. I mean, you're both numbing yourselves away from the core tension in your house, right? Yeah, you're right. So I'm going to stare that tension down. I'm going to walk right through it. Yeah. And you can extend your hand out to him and say, I hope you walk with me. But here's what trust looks like. And by the way, if you, for 60 days or 30 days, put your phone just away, just away. You may get some breath back in your lungs. You may find yourself dancing with your kids. Yeah. You may find yourself laughing and singing. And you may also realize just how bad and neglectful your husband is. Yeah. Right? And you're right. Either way, it's worth a risk, but the truth is your body is solving for this reality. Your body knows. And your mind just keeps trying to shut it down, shut it down with more scrolling, more scrolling, more avoidance. I'm not going to have these hard conversations, et cetera. Manless, the tensions are doorway. Let's go right through it. Right through it. Give him a path. Trust is something you do. And over time, the feeling continues to establish itself deeper and deeper. And you can fully exhale your, your spouse, your partner becomes home. Comes your safe place. But when trust is fractured, man, trust it then becomes a thing that we work really hard at. And we can't go feelings first on that. You're going to, he's going to follow that path hopefully the first week. And you may not feel any different, but you'll be able to look and say, he did all of these things. We're going to do a new path for the next week and then a new one for the next week. And over time, you're going to find your shoulders starting to drop. If he walks the walk, if he walks the walk, thanks for the call. I hate that you're in this situation. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate that he's in this situation. Hate those kids are in this situation. You're a courageous woman. Go be brave. We come back. A man asks how to respect his wife's experience with pain during sex while acknowledging his own desires. 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That's 27% off site wide at helix h e l i x helix sleep dot com slash Deloney with helix better sleep starts right now. All right, Charleston, South Carolina. Let's talk to Marcus. Hey Marcus, what's up, man? Hey, how's it going? Doing all right, brother. How are you? Can't complain. Wouldn't do much good if I did anyway. I'm gonna say you could. Then you sound like Kelly, but go ahead. What's up? Hey, so in short, my question is my wife experiences a lot of pain during intercourse and I want to figure out the best way that I can respect her. Tell me about the word respect. Like, obviously she's going through a lot and that's why for a while I stopped pursuing anything because I could tell that the pain was bothering her. And so I thought that was the best way to respect her was just like let's not do anything at all. I'm gonna give you like the super benefit of the doubt that you're like a great guy and you want to do this right. And that in some days you feel like I really want to have sex with my wife and then you feel like a bad guy because you also know she's in pain. You don't want to ever hurt your wife. And so you get you kind of get trapped and on the other side she wants to sleep with her husband and it hurts. And there's a challenge there because we don't have a you all don't have a dialogue or a dialogue about this right. Yeah. We have talked about it. Tell me about how those conversations go. So typically to be honest I don't know how to have those conversations. It's very odd for me because it's different from what I grew up thinking that everything would be once we were married. And so how long have you all been married? About four years now. Okay. And so when we first had been married I could tell there was pain but that was kind of normal because you know she was a virgin when we got married. Still doesn't make it normal but keep going keep going. I know it's well yeah. But anyway so we kind of over time I thought it was going away that pain. And to be honest I don't think I was as inquisitive as I should have been. As time went on I just thought you know the first time is you know painful and then it just I just that was my understanding. I didn't ask questions. I was just ignorant. And then over time I realized at a certain point that she was still in pain. And at that point it made me overthink or not overthink just realize all that time that I thought things had gotten better. It was not it had actually just stayed the same. And so then we had our first that first conversation I just told her like I'm sorry like I really I had no idea I wish you would have said something. And I should have said something to you like I should have you know been asking questions and so when we first had that conversation it was just can you communicate like I want you to just tell me about that. And she we're we're we communicate about everything now. But I think that it pulled out a discussion about how she grew up and things like that why she didn't communicate. But I think for me it was that the initial communication it was like I want you to tell me like I know we both want this but I also feel weird when I can tell like she because she wants to so initiate it and then we'll be in the middle of it I can tell she's in pain and I'm like I like it's kind of weird almost the masculine as it sounds like I just want to I just stop because I'm like this doesn't I'm not at all turned on I guess by my wife in pain like I feel bad I don't want to it just makes me want to stop and then she feels bad because she's like she at first she thought that it it was something about her that she looked a certain way or no no no I don't tell her like no it's not that it's that I just don't like seeing it like the opposite of what my purposes is she tell is she communicating to you that she is in pain she's trying to hide it. Yeah that's what was happening for all those years okay so what does there's two separate tracks here track number one is she pursuing that there's so much amazing. Therapy there's so much amazing and not not there there obviously is psychological therapy but I'm talking I'm I'm talking about physical therapy mm-hmm and. There's medications there's all sorts of hormone treatment like there's so much going on there is she pursuing any of that. Yes public floor therapy she started seeing her and that it helped yeah, but that was very recent that was actually after I put in the initial. Question okay so. Sounds like there's a couple things going on here one. You and your wife both want to be together. And there's physical pain right and so. How do we navigate the painful part. It let me put it this way um if our sexual encountered is can only be distilled down by intercourse. Then we've really limited ourselves especially during this season right and when my hope is y'all look back in 25 years and y'all remember this season. Right it's not for the rest of your life that's my hope right there's no guarantee but that's my hope um is there a thousand million billion other things we can do. To be together intimately that doesn't that doesn't require that one particular act. Yes and that's actually what we've been that's what we've been trying to do recent here or since I found out um since I realized I should say since I realized um yeah we've been doing that okay so that's number one and and around that like the whole. intimacy is just a secret world between the two of you inside that secret world can we can we laugh can we be disappointed can be frustrated can we be adventurous can we like bring play into that secret world you go what i'm saying. And can we have compassion and grace for each other and can she never one time wonder. Is this man love me is this man on my side is this man here's a crazy word is this man nice is he just kind. Right yeah and at the same time. Can you pursue her and desire her in a way that makes her feel pursued and desired without. Pain right. And her giving you a really clear roadmap and what i've heard from couples over and over in your same situation is when they develop a good dialogue. And a good way of communicating and talking and it's not just it's not logistics. It's not a list of. Physical acts of sexual acts right it becomes a language of play and it becomes a language of adventure and becomes a language of i'll try let's try this. And it it i hear over and over and over that that becomes way more intimate and sexual and romantic if you all those words just mush together then just trading orgasms. Through intercourse which by the way only a small percentage of women even have inter like orgasms through intercourse. Right so that's that's number one is developing continuing to develop a conversation I can wait to communicate with each other. The second thing is is it sounds like you've got. I don't know if it's embarrassment of its shame I don't know if it's your upset with yourself. But if you can look in the mirror and say man I had no idea I was doing my absolute best in no world what I want to hurt my wife I love her. I'm so sorry and she said no no no I didn't tell you I wanted this so bad to and I just wanted to be a good team player and she sounds like she has a lot of baggage from how she grew up also of what her duty and role and responsibilities are. Like y'all both having a moment of we're going to set the shame part down. We've never been married before and we we both wish we'd done things differently and now here we are so I will be your biggest cheerleader not just so I can you know have sex with you but I'm going to be your biggest chiller because I want you to have pain right. Want you to feel good yeah that's what I've tried I've tried figuring out. Because personally I I'm very go go go and I know that that is not just like it when it comes to this in particular it's not just a me thing it's a it's something a lot of people a lot of guys struggle with and so I've tried implementing. Things over the last couple since I've since I found out I've tried being more intentional with the things that I guess could I don't know how to put it but I guess. Make her feel better to be in an environment like that you know I don't know if that makes any sense just trying to yeah I'm sure you can just say what are you saying. OK so just being a little bit more trying to get her more willing to be turned on I guess what does that mean I don't I don't like trying to make her feel open so it doesn't just feel like OK I'm go go go now it's go time. Gotcha that makes it like where it's just she already has that throughout her day like trying to be more intentional with the message like just sending her text when I'm at work and. You know thinking making sure I call her when I'm away and all this kind of stuff like just and then but that's the thing is like then there's times around the house where I know there's more that I can do there's I know there's more but I don't know. What that is and when I ask her it's mostly like you know there's nothing in particular like most of stuff and so I don't know if that is another one of those things for like she just doesn't want to say it but I can't. Get that conversation where it's like OK I need to you know take care of this for you so you don't have to worry about it and then sometimes I do and then it's like it she's appreciative of it and she's happy about it and. That's what I want and so I guess being creative enough to find those things on my own where I don't have to ask her what I can do I struggle with that so I there's there's two simple paths OK number one like like just between you and me and a couple of million people listening. You don't have to get creative you know it needs to be done on the house just just make a point of it to get up 15 minutes earlier going to bed 10 minutes later just do it. Right like just make a point that there's a few things I'm just going to start making a regular habit of doing. And the second thing is in by the way if like if she doesn't like it. If she doesn't want you to be doing it or she starts to feel guilty that you're working all day and you're doing this thing. The second thing you'll do is you create I'm going to ask you every day of your life how can I love you today. And she says I don't know I don't know say I'm going to do something. And if she's like I really I don't know you love me so well and say cool and then you go do a thing. And if you keep showing and by the way and then you say here's the way you can love me today. And if you keep showing up and showing up what you're going to do is give her not intellectual permission or cognitive permission to say it nerdy. You're going to give her nervous system permission. This guy's in. He's all in. What's funny is she actually does ask that question. It's because we want we do watch your show. Yeah. And when she asks I don't know how to respond either. Like I'll just tell her make up something. I don't know. Give her the gift of a purpose. Give her the gift of a directed action. A thing. It'll be super awesome. It's like sometime in the afternoon. You shot me a text message. Just do that. That'd be awesome. And if you know in your day you kind of find yourself grumpy at 11 a.m. or at 2 30 p.m. or whatever. Just like dude. That'd be awesome. But give her that gift. But if you all are both just in this loop of how can I love you. I don't know how can I love you. I don't know. All right. See you later. Someone's got to go first man. Right. And by the way, you're allowed to be frustrated that you're not having as much sex as you would like because there's medical issues. You're allowed to be frustrated. It's okay. What I would say you're not allowed. Like, the difference between being a really supportive, loving husband and just like a double-barreled ass is choosing to walk alongside her and hold her hand through her therapy, through her pain, through her going slow, being kind, being as playful and full of laughter as possible. And when she's upset and frustrated, you sit in that with her without making external demands and also finding things like committing to play. I'll send you the questions for humans intimacy deck. I'll send you all of all the dating decks too. They're just fun questions to have, but create a conversation inside the secret world. Are we just always sharing stuff, talking about stuff, laughing about stuff? And some of that stuff is wild sex stuff. And some of that stuff is wild memory stuff. And some of that stuff is wild dreams we have together. That's all of it, right? But you walk in and saying, "Hey, here's something to be. I'm going to be a man who loves you and pursues you. I would love a path to pursuit." And if you can't give me one, cool, or if you're uncomfortable giving me one, I'm going to be gentle and slow and walk towards it. But I've got to trust you that you're not going to put yourself in harm's way. You're not going to allow me to harm you while I see how hard you're working to get well and whole. And I'm always going to be nice and I'm always going to be kind and I'm always going to be like, "Dude, I am a grown man. I'm fine." And also, yeah, the awesome to be sleeping my wife seven nights week, but that's not realistic right now. And so you're going to have a husband that's going to hold your hand and lay right here next to you and we'll watch a TV show because that's the kind of guy you married, a man who was right or die, sickness and health. And when you all ask to do that exercise in the morning of, "How can I love you?" Give her a thing, give her the gift of purpose. And if she says, "I don't know, I'm doing a thing," and keep showing up, and keep showing up, and keep showing up, and I guarantee you at some point, sooner than you think she's going to say, "Man, it really would be helpful if I'd really love it if and man, you'll be all over it." Thanks for calling me. And this is, and I appreciate your willingness to have this conversation publicly, man. I get this call all the time, all the time behind closed doors. So man, it's an honor that you called in. You helped a lot of people with your willingness to be open today. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or tea-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cut well. This is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're balanced, and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. They're knives perfected. Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States in years of experience going to every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used, I've sent them off, and got all my knives right back, razor sharp again, and these knives will still be sharp when my great-great-grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now, and one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com. Alright, let's go out to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Emma. Hey, Emma, what's up? Hey, oh my goodness. This is crazy that you're talking to me. Thanks for taking my call. It's wild that you're talking to me. Thanks for calling. What's up? Okay, I feel or think. I think I married somebody who is so much like my dad that they get mixed up in my head. And my dad is not a good person for you to want to be married to. It gets really muddy sometimes, like when we're dealing with difficult situations, like me, my husband, if we're arguing about something, I guess I like I need to go back that and explain that I did have my dad around when I was younger a little bit. He had alcohol problem, drug abuse, had him randomly in and out of my life. And then I lived with him for about a year when I was 19. And I was like, oh, I want to see what my dad's really like because I didn't really get to grow up with him. Bad choice. My mom told me not to, but I don't listen to it. And he actually was in prison for a while. And so I've been married for eight years and we have four kids and my dad hasn't met them. He hasn't been a part of my life. Now he got out of prison about a year ago and he's started to really try, he's been going to church. He's been trying to be a part of the family. He's gotten to know my kids, you know, and so I'm really like different things are resurfacing stuff from my childhood that I'm like, oh, I forgot that, or like being around my dad. And now I'm looking at my dad and my husband and I'm like, whoa, like there's so many similarities that I keep seeing. And so kind of recently, like within the past couple of months, me and my husband were arguing about alcohol specifically, like, I realized that I didn't like when my husband was shrinking and I could smell alcohol on him and we were being intimate. It brought back just my dad really, like in my thoughts and my feelings when we're being intimate. I told my husband, like, hey, when you're drinking, I just don't want you to be like kissing all over me and stuff like that. And he got upset with me. Well, he said like, okay, you know, I understand, but honestly, I think you're saying this just because you're dad. This isn't me. Like, you don't have a problem with me doing this, it's your dad. And your problem is actually with your dad and you need to tell him you don't want him drinking. You know, and I'm like, okay, I'll think back for a little bit because I'm sure that is probably true that like, I don't want my dad drinking. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Okay. Okay. I'm pausing mainly because Kelly tells me I'm now out of swear on the show. Okay. And I'm trying to get my, like, I just felt him coming out, old high school John and he, usually does not come out. Okay. Or worse than high school John, college John. I've been to a lot of therapy too. Okay. Quite that guy down. He's a hothead and he runs his mouth a lot. Uh-huh. Let's clear the deck completely. Okay. Okay. All right. And I need you to hear me say this as clearly as possible. I'm good. If your husband is unsafe, then your husband's unsafe. And if there are things that you want, and I'll go as far to say and need to feel safe in your marriage, I don't care where it's from. I don't care who it's from. His job as your husband, especially in as delicate of a situation is having sex, his job is to honor his wife. Not to give up BS, pseudo-psychological reasons why he should be able to do whatever the hell he wants to do. Okay. Okay. Period. And you and I both know just, I let you go, I let you just keep talking for a minute because I want to, like, you and I both know this is not just about alcohol and sex. Yeah. And so you grew up in hell, right? And then you got exposed behind the curtain of hell at 19, right? Yeah. And your body put GPS pins in all those moments where you weren't safe. And then it loves you enough to scan the environment 24/7, 365 to make sure those things aren't going off. Those alarms. Yeah. And if your husband sets those alarms off, that doesn't mean that it's all because of your dad. That just means your body has seen this thing before and it knows what's coming. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a really cool way to put it. You know what I'm saying? Let me say it a different way. Your husband can be a terrible man too. Okay. He might be amazing, and it's just that the smell of alcohol. or the smell of an old cologne, just gets under your, like it just, man your body starts sounding the alarms, and you have to tell 'em, tell your own body. Hey, hey, I wasn't safe then. I'm safe now. Hey, honey. - Yeah. - The smell of alcohol is such a turn off to me. - Yeah. - I'm gonna ask you, like, I don't wanna kiss you. I don't wanna sleep with you if you've been drinking. And then what a good man would say to his amazing wife would be, I'll never have a drink again. 'Cause I value you. I value sleeping with you. I value connecting with you. I value you feeling safe inside your own house, especially in our bed, way more than a beer. - And to, you know, I do wanna say that, he did, like, I don't think he drank for a whole month after I said that. - A whole month? - Wow. - Yeah. - And then he said-- - That's not very long enough. - Oh, I think it's long. For someone who likes drinking and drinks like all the time every night for them to, like, be able to cut it off. - Does your husband have an alcohol problem? - He, I mean-- - Yes or no? - He definitely used to, I don't know. Like, definitely he used to. It's always been an issue in our marriage where I'm like, hey, you gotta stop drinking. You're drinking way too much, like-- - Okay, then you have to have the courage to say my husband has a drinking problem. - Okay. - Okay. - Is that fair? - I think so, but, like, he controls it well. I think-- - Then why have you had to tell him over and over in your relationship that you're drinking too much? - He just gets carried away and doesn't think about it anymore and I have to remind him. - Carried away is the opposite of under control. - Okay, all right, he has a drinking problem. - Okay. I don't want that for him, I don't want that for you, but if that's the reality, then let's have the guts to just look at reality and say, this is the truth. And it's scary to say that because you lived with a man who had an alcohol problem. - Yeah. - You also, and dude, I'll get dark here for a second, you still with me? - Yeah. - You also understand what it's like to be that little girl saying, daddy, daddy, where are you? And he's sitting right next to you on the couch. And you got four little kids. - Yeah. - And your nervous system is running this back. It's seen this script before. And it knows the haunting 13 year old girl looking in the mirror saying, what was so bad about me, the dad left. You're not crazy. There's not something wrong with you. - Yeah. - Your body's working perfectly. - Okay. - Okay, I'm taking notes. - My question for you is, like, do you think your, is your husband a good guy? - Yes. - How's the long pause, Emma? How's the long pause? - I have friends that I think are great guys that drink too much. - Okay. - Okay. - Yeah. - I think they drink too much. I get my hard time about it. They give me a hard time about it. About me giving them a hard time. But they are great men, they're good guys. - Yeah. - I don't want them around my kids, but they're good guys. Right? - Yeah. - Is your husband a good man? - I think he is. - Okay. - Is he on a trajectory to end up where your dad did? - No. - Okay. All right. - No. - So when your body rises up to protect you, whether that's a feeling of fear, a feeling of anxiousness, a feeling of your chest gets real tight, a feeling of, you just want to get under a blanket, not come out. - Mm-hmm. - I want you to make a fist and put it right in the middle of your chest and breathe and exhale really deeply and ask yourself, is my body right, am I safe right now? Is my husband present with me and these kids, or is he present with his drink? I can't recommend strongly enough for you. The work you've gotta do is to go sit with a trauma therapist and - Okay. - Set the center blocks that your dad handed you down. And I don't know that any one who grew up like you did could do that by themselves. - Okay. - But he's still running your life. And now more than he's been in a long time, he's back in it. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - And your body's gonna do one job and that's try to keep you safe. And no matter how many intellectual shoulds, have tos, need tos, you try to convince yourself of your body's gonna be like, that guy's a snake. He's bitten us too many times. And until we can teach our body, and this is just what a good trauma therapist will do, until we can teach our body, I wasn't okay then, but I'm okay now. I'm strong now. I've been working hard. I get to choose what happens next with my kids. I get to choose what happens next with my life. Just because you got out of jail and started going to church, doesn't mean you just get an all-access pass back into my life. - Yeah, I definitely jumped straight into that. - Of course. - And was hanging out with him all the time and I had to pull back. - Yes. - To where like right now, I haven't seen him. I haven't talked to him in about two months. He did come to church, and I saw him, and I hugged him and just cried. - Yes. - But I was all, and I realized like I couldn't have a relationship with him until I, I did start seeing a therapist about a month ago now, I see her once a week. And so we're, I'm gonna try to like talk through these certain things if I can work through them. So I can have a healthy relationship with my dad, but it was getting so mixed up there like having the two. - The healthiest relationship you gotta begin with is a relationship with you and at the age you're at now and seven-year-old you. You've gotta heal that relationship. - Okay. - And from that relationship, you can then begin to look at the truth about your marriage. And again, I weigh over, hit the pendulum on your husband. I was just trying to shake things up here. He may be a pretty good guy that just drinks way too much. And you gotta have the courage to sit down and say, this is what our kids deserve, this is what I deserve and here's what I want. And also you have to hold space for, he may look at you like your dad did and walk out the door. - Yeah. - I hope to God, he's a good man like you say he is and he'd be like, I don't like this one, but I'll go to, I'ma go to rehab, I'ma go to AA. - Yup. - Be awesome. I hope that helps the shirt, but yeah, it's time for you to walk in back into the therapist and say I'm ready to set down my dad and I know it's gonna be some work, it's gonna be a lot of body work, it's gonna be a lot of trauma therapy, but it's time for us to, I'm gonna set these bricks down. And my dad's not sitting at my kitchen table anymore and running my life anymore like he has for a long, long time. And be honest about my marriage, I'm gonna tell my husband what I want. - Thank you so much for calling, we'll be right back. - This show is sponsored by Better Health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health Therapist all follow a strict code of ethics. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health Therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/delony for 10% off. That's [email protected]/delony. All right, we're back. What's up, Kelly? - So I have a cool crap that happened. - Awesome. - Hey, Kelly told me that she got the shirt she's wearing for every 21, where she shops. And I want to tell you, look at it. - I hate you so much. - Hot topic, hot topic. Not for every 21. I meant hot topic. - First of all, hot topic would never have anything this like white in there. Says the guy in a black band shirt. - Yeah, I guess I'm the hot topic guy right now. All right. - I do recall for your band last year, You would have had a heart. topic in spit. A lot of money. I went into hot topic this year and I just left with nothing. I was like, y'all have gone, I was going to buy things ironically and I couldn't even, I couldn't even do it ironically this time. No, last year you bought things unironically. I do believe. Yes. That wallet on the chain wallet. Exactly. That lasted a little longer than it should have. I pulled the chain wallet back out the other day at the big concert and I think it used to make a forever return. Yeah, let me know what Sheila thinks about that. I think at this point, she's just given up. She's just so far given up on my clothing choices. All right. So I have a cool crap and this one is very cool. So this is from Jewel and that's all we're going to say is foolish. Yay. Are you done? Yeah. Okay. When I first had my child, I felt things that were extremely off by the man that I was with and somehow you two recommended me your videos while I was on maternity leave. I would listen to these when he wasn't home and his time went on. I started connecting the dots as the abuse ramped up. Eventually I changed banks, contacted my work, did some secret planning and escaped to a domestic violence shelter and now almost a year later in a very chaotic one after that at that. I am now living at family's home where he doesn't know the location and I'm waiting to get into housing. I think if I never came across your videos, I would still be in my own head thinking that I was the problem. I won't go into the details of the abuse but I am eternally grateful to all of you. I'm going to start crying now. Thank you for sharing that. And Jewel, I'm so proud of you. Man, I'm kind of speechless. Thank you. Interest in that note in. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Keep grinding. Man, thanks for sharing that, Kelly.