Caller: “My Fiancée Wants a Hysterectomy”

[MUSIC] >> Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchill Mortgage.com. >> My gauntlet is looking to have a history of me sometimes next year. But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child. But the thing is that I, I want to make peace with her wishes. >> So you all are engaged, when are you going to marry? [MUSIC] What's going on, what's going on? This is John, with the Dr. John Deloni show, taking your calls. Real people going through real life stuff and their marriages, their dating relationships with their kids, with their kids schools, with their workplace, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on. It's got to Minneapolis, Minnesota, and talk to Tio Ehm. What's up, Tom? >> Yeah, man, so my story is that my gauntlet is looking to have a history of me sometimes next year. But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes. She's already gone so much for us already. She actually originally didn't want to have kids, but we do have two of our own. But again, at the same time, how do I make peace with that? >> Let me make sure you and I have the same picture in our head. You all are together. How long have y'all been together? >> Three years. >> Three years. Okay. How many kids do y'all have in three years? >> Two. >> Okay. Were they both planned? Or were they both like, whoopsie do's? How did they come along? >> The latter. >> The latter. Okay. So y'all are engaged. When are y'all getting married? Whenever I'm done with school, that is, and I am looking to graduate sometime next year. >> Gotcha. Okay. We'll put a pin in that one, because I'm going to peer pressure you, but we'll do that later, okay? Because that's not what you call. >> Yeah. >> Right. So the first two, tell me about the first two pregnancies, were they tough, smooth, scary, nervous, all of it? >> Yeah, they were tough. You know, just me being nervous. I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave out some details and she's probably going to watch her play back and say, you didn't say this. >> No, you're not. >> But essentially, they were both tough. They both have health issues, and also, she also went through some pretty, pretty hard post portal, and so, you know, I totally respect that. My thing is that I wanted to try for a kid more so to see if we could get a boy, but, you know, at the same time, I'm like, this is her body. I want to respect that, and I want to honor that, and she has her decision on having a hysterectomy. >> Sure. And this doesn't super matter, but for me, it kind of does. It will give me some additional context. >> Yeah. >> Is she having an elective hysterectomy, or does she have a fibrosis in, or endometriosis? Does she have challenges that doctors have said, hey, this is coming soon or other than later? >> Yeah, good question. And she, she thought that she had PCOS, so she did actually go under, but the doctor's phone, nothing. >> Okay. >> And so, she has very debilitating periods, and she's just like, I've just kind of had it. I just want to hysterectomy. >> Okay. Okay. Has she had that conversation with her OB/GYN? >> Yes. >> Okay. Great. The crux of the question for me is, you had this picture of your life where you had a baby boy. You had a son. >> Right. >> Yeah. >> And you're the person that you've had two kids with your fiancee. She has said, hey, I'm going to be done having children. >> Yeah. >> And so you're wrestling with, I want to honor her, it's her body, it's her choice, all that stuff. But also, I have a dream of us making a life together. And a part of the picture, I had in my head of what that life would look like, included a third kid. >> Yeah, exactly. And even if the kid doesn't turn out to be a boy and we pop out another girl, I'd be happy either way. >> Of course. Of course. So, how can I help you? Are you wrestling with, how do you make peace? Are you wrestling with, do you think there's some secret conversation you could have to change your mind? What are you wrestling with? >> Yeah, man. >> Or is it just grief? Is it just grief? I had this picture of my life and that picture is going to be different. And I want to be the best guy I'm moving forward. >> Yeah, great point. Honestly, I think it could be all three. I had a imagination that for the longest time, maybe, like in a high school year, college years, I said myself, I'd be happy if I have at least one boy, one girl. I have two amazing little girls, but also at the same time, it's kind of also well, it's kind of not making that imagination come true, right? >> Yeah. >> Also at the same time. Yeah. I guess I'm really just lost at making peace with that it's never, it probably won't come true. >> Yeah. Well, and how old are you? I'm 33. She is 28. >> 28, okay. I also get a sense, again, always, always, every color I tell this to, but I'm talking to you, so tell me if I'm out of line here, if I'm wrong, okay? But I get this sense that for you, real life, grown up life, starts after I graduate. And there's something unnerving about already putting a period at the end of a sentence before your, quote unquote, real life really gets cooking. >> Yeah. Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the spot there. >> And so what I would challenge you on is your real life is right now. It's been going. >> Right. >> Getting a degree or getting a new degree or a graduate degree, that's a cool marker on this marathon you're running called life. But your life's already started. And so if you back out and say three years ago, I met this amazing woman, she got pregnant and we had this amazing girl and then we had another amazing girl like, we've been doing this amazing life. We've contracted a ton of life change in 36 months, right, like a lot. But we've been doing life this whole time. And so if you back up three years back to that time horizon and say, if somebody had asked you after you graduate, hey, you're going to marry this girl. You like her. You're going to be with her forever. And y'all going to build this amazing life together and you're going to have two healthy kids. You'd love it if it was a boy. You get what I'm saying. Like if you change your time horizon, your picture shifts too. >> Yeah. >> But there's something about metabolizing like those two little girls don't care if you have a degree or not. You're dad, man. >> Right. >> Yeah, I work remotely so I'm able to be there whenever, however, I spend a lot of time with them. I give them like 100 to 10% every day. >> That's awesome. >> I love those two big little girls. >> That's amazing. And I love to hear dad say that, brother, that's so cool. My challenge for you would be is this, like when it comes to finances and when it comes to degrees and college and stuff, my rule of thumb and it, I come at it differently than most, but there's a, it's legal, it's economic. And I'm a person of faith and so I do have a faith component to it, but anytime somebody's asking me about how do I plan my life down the road, I always tell them you take care of your life and your friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, they take care of their life. And when you all get married, when you create this big, legal hurdle, you create a thing. And then now you have an anchor point as, as my buddy Michael Easter says, now it's written in ink. Then the conversation shifts to what kind of life do we want to build together? And when we are building our future together, that always comes with, oh, I thought, the holidays were going to look like this. Now I want them to look like this, oh, that picture I had in my head, that I didn't even know I had. It's suddenly, it's, I got to take the puzzle that was my life and I got to take all those pieces, jumble them up, put them back in the box and together you and I are dumping out a brand new puzzle. It's going to be our life and we're going to do this thing together. It's not that I have this puzzle and there's just three missing pieces. She's one of them, kid is one of them, son is one of them. It is now that we are doing our life together, that puzzle that was my life is over. It's in a box. It's gone. Like I'm putting it back on the shelf where all puzzles go to die and I've got a new puzzle that we are doing together. Yeah. And so part of it is, like, honestly, if you always had this picture of yourself having a son, and this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. And take away hysterectomy. Take away any number of health challenges that any romantic partner, any spouse has, right? The changes, like we were gonna go do this and now we've got this, we were gonna go do that and now we've got this. I just talked to an elderly couple recently and not elderly in aging. And man, they were about to retire and they had this whole wild fourth quarter planned. And then he got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That's over, it's different, right? And so the picture she had, the wife I was talking to, I mean, it's over gone, right? And now it is, I'm gonna be really sad 'cause the picture we made was pretty awesome. And I've got a son, let me tell you, they're awesome. And also I have a daughter, she's awesome, right? So I've got this picture and if I'm gonna choose this woman to be my person and she's in a ton of pain, I'm gonna be right or die holding her hand as she makes hard, hard decisions. And I'll be her biggest cheerleader and being her cheerleader doesn't also mean I don't have permission to be sad too. - All right. - Both are true. If you wanna do some, I always call them gangster or people roll their eyes at me. If you wanna do something like hard things, you can write a letter to the son that you won't have. And just say, I had this dream of you, buddy. And that dream's not gonna come true, but I tell you what, I mean, the best DM girl dad that's ever existed. And those girls better watch out 'cause the love I had for you is but get all, you get what I'm saying? Like you can have, you can do those type of, I don't call them exercises, but you can do those type of, of that type of grieving where you call it out, give somebody a name and say like, I had this dream and it's not gonna, it's not gonna come true. And that's okay. It's a choice I'm making. I'm choosing to engage in a relationship with this person who has medical condition and it's gonna make her unable to have any more kids. - Yeah, yeah, I think you made some very good points there. I'm trying not to cry just because. - You're good man, just, I'm sitting here with you, you're good. - You know, I just had this, I just had this dream for the longest time and so, you know, to say that this will never happen. It's just so hard. - Yeah. - But you know, my fiancee has gone through in love with medical. She's come such a long way. She was diagnosed with anxiety and also depression. She went through TMS, came out of that. And so, right now she is no longer on medication. And so, we're taking a day by day to think how that goes. But she's matured, she's come such a long way and she's given up so much in her own life too. And so, that's why I wanted to call in and say, I appreciate it. And I bet you've grown too, huh? - Maybe, that's questionable. - Ta. - I know, I've got friends who are like, that dude's never grown up either. But you have, man, you're different now. You go to school after working a full-time job for different reasons now. - All right. - It was probably to make a bunch of money and to get a new career. And now you got these two little girls saying, that's my dad. - Yeah. Yeah, I just wanna put in a much more financial better situation. - There you go. - And I'm gonna lay out, I always wanna be as honest as I can. So, I'm gonna lay out the other harsh truth here, okay? - Yeah. - You're not legally married. You can leave. - Yeah, we thought about that for, she's brought that up to me, but I'm like, no, I'm sticking with you. - Okay, so here's why that's really important. A lot of times grief, things that we don't want to have happen happen to us, right? And sometimes we get put in a situation. It's two situations that I wouldn't wish on anybody, right? Two hard paths. And we have to choose our heart. We have to choose the path that's gonna get us to the place that we would love to be, even though it's gonna be a really hard path. And when you say, yeah, I thought about it actually. When she said I'm out, having another third kid was such a big deal to me for my whole life that I had to stop in question, is she gonna be the right person for me? And, but here's important, but I chose her. And when you can say those words out loud, I chose her, then yes, she's got medical issues that you're gonna be a loving partner and support her through and walk through. And she's gonna make some hard decisions about surgeries in her future and all that stuff, hormones, all that stuff down the road, all that. You are gonna though sit in the driver seat of your life saying, I chose her, which means I didn't choose this other path. And that doesn't mean that other path isn't gonna break your heart. That doesn't mean the other path isn't sad, but there's a level of ownership that you get to hold. And the body does not respond well to things happening to it. It responds much better when it is self-selecting into the hardest of situations. But there's something powerful about saying, no, no, no, no, I'm making this choice. Given this set of circumstances, I'm making this choice to put a period at the end of this big dream. And brother, you have the freedom, all the freedom in the world to weep, to be sad. Where I would challenge you is, I would say you don't have the freedom to blame her, to get right to go to war with her. - Exactly. - Because you are saying, I choose you. I choose all of you in sickness and in health. And now here's my pitch, brother, this weekend, take that woman and marry her. She's your person, you chosen her and she chose you. And y'all have made a family together. Y'all have a future down the road. The future's gonna be some of what you wanted, some of what she wanted and together y'all are gonna build your marriage, whatever marriage, whatever marriage y'all want. And there's gonna be some grief and there's gonna be some excitement and joy. It's part of doing this crazy thing called life. And man, it's pretty amazing to do it with somebody. Thanks for calling, man, you're a good man. And I appreciate you thinking that through with me and let me think out loud. Yeah, comes to medical stuff, she gets to make the choice. And she's got my full support, 100%. And since you love her and you've chosen her, my hope is you hold her hand, you sit with her, you are the best writer, die support network she could ever dream of having. And you get to be really, really sad too. All of that is true at the same time. Thanks for the call, my man. We come back. A man asks if he should tell his sister-in-law that his brothers been cheating on her at work. Yikes, we'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by Better Health. Every year, you tell yourself, you're going to handle the holidays differently this year. Maybe stay calmer, feel more peace. But then it's the same old pattern. It shows up every year, the same family tension, the inability to keep healthy boundaries, and you're cranky, and tired, and you find yourself snapping at people that you love and actually like being around. This year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the holiday chaos and understand what's behind your reactions and come up with a plan. 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That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney or click the link in the description. All right. We're back. Hey, click the link, subscribe, share, all that stuff. It really helps out everybody in the club. All right. It's got to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Lee. Hey, Lee, what's up? Hey, how you doing, Mr. John? Oh, sorry, Dr. John. How you doing? Oh, you call me, Mr. John. It's nicer than what most of my friends call me. So I appreciate you. What's up, Lee? How are you doing? I'm doing all right. I'm a man. Can't complain. Can't complain. You could. You could complain. You'd be a lot like Kelly, but that's all good. So what's up? Well, a long story short, should I tell my sister-in-law that my brother has stepped out on their marriage? Oh, gosh. Dude. All right. Tell me the story, man. All right. Bring you back about a year or so ago. This is my older brother, mind you. He came to me. He told me that he stepped out. He was crying very, very upset, distraught. Let me know that he stepped out and cheated on his wife. And I told him that he has bad. He should tell her. But kind of a little bit maybe a week or so after that, me and my dad, because my dad worked at the same job as my brother, they, well, they found out that he was doing it again with somebody else. I assume. I don't know all the details, but he was caught messing around with someone else at work as well. After you came to cry to you? Yeah. And I said. So, yeah. They came back to him and they told him that if he doesn't clean it act up, they're going to tell his wife because they even threatened to tell his wife and fire him if he keeps messing around. And I assume he's still working there now. So he hasn't been caught another time. But now he's messing with somebody else or getting a little too friendly with another co-worker at a job. And his wife is very upset and she even called my sister to tell her that she thinks my brother is doing something. And number one, I already know that he's done something in the past. I don't know about now, but it's just kind of weighing on my heart that whether I should tell her or not because she's also my sister, I saw her look at her. Yeah. He gave you my gut impulse and that does not mean it's right. My gut impulse is this. I think in pictures of some of my headworks a year ago, your brother walked up to you holding his cinder block and he said, you carry this. He cried because he was so tired of carrying it, he gave it to you to carry. And then he went and picked up another one and gave that one to your parents who happened to be his boss. And now he's picked up another one and your sister's carrying it. And by the way, his wife is carrying all three of them because she knows some's not right. And in that situation, I won't, I'm not going to carry that for you. Yeah. I'll be with you when you set it down because here's what he's doing. He has said, I was a person who lacked a moral character. And I want you to also lack moral character. Yeah. And my push back on you, Lee, is for a year you've been like, all right, I'll do that too. I won't tell our mutual, your wife, a woman who I consider my sister. I won't tell her the truth. And now you're complicit in it because what's your first question going to be, how long have you known? Yeah, exactly. And her next question will be, how could you not tell me and you're not going to have a good answer, right? Other than that's my brother, writer, dial, and man, I get that, dude, I get that. If your brother had come to you a year ago and said, man, I totally screwed up and was sobbing in whatever. And you're like, man, I'm here for you, brother. And he has spent the last year making this right with his wife. Well, you know what, in that situation where somebody's being whole and honest and complete, they would have come clean with their wife, right? So they wouldn't, they, they would not have done a second thing and dragged you along with it. And then done a third thing and dragged parents along with it, yes, sir, because now every family meal, all y'all know. And she's just there getting the, getting the salad, getting the iced tea or whatever. And y'all know, the potato salad, that's right. I mean, y'all know. And she's just there. You know what I mean? Yes, sir. And Leigh, you know this. She, yeah, now I'm getting more bold in my answer. She knows y'all are looking at her. She didn't know why. And here's where it's extra cruel besides the fact that her husband's cheating on her. And by the way, like just making her unsafe, bringing all those other people home to his bed, right? She doesn't know. Yes, sir. And also, she's leaving family dinners. She's leaving time with her husband and she's looking in the mirror, asking herself, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why are the dinners so awkward when I show up? What does everyone get quiet and look at the floor? You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir. Exactly. Yeah. And if I might add another thing as well, fast for me about a week or so ago, I kind of mean. After my sister told me that she, well, my sister and a lot of total was going on and how she felt. I approached my brother and I went up and basically I was telling him, hey, man, you're wrong. You messed up. You got to go and tell your wife about it because no woman let alone my sister should be going through this. Because number one, they, how our father raised us, come on father, he's been married for 30 plus years. So we've experienced a minority of the most folks that kind of grew up in the household. No parents who grew up with both parents are whole entire lives. So it's even more tough to see him doing that while we didn't grew up in that same household. But he told me whenever I told him two things. Number one, after I kind of approached him, he was telling me that if I tell her that what basically back up a little bit, but he was telling me, I shouldn't tell her. And if I do ask on you, but he was saying, it's making it sound like you're going to tell her to tell her to go ahead and tell her if you want to. And I told him my best time, that's unfair, bro, you can't do that. That's fine. Right. So he wants you to do the dirty work? On a sort of a sort of like, you're in a bind. She needs to know, but you don't want to bail him out of a hard conversation, huh? Yes, sir. All right. Okay. Look at the mirror and do this when like nobody else is home, okay, because otherwise people look at you funny. Look at yourself in the mirror, make direct eye contact with yourself and ask this question, what kind of man do I want to show up in the world as? And then do that. Right. And dude, I, there's people listening to the show that think what I'm saying is insane. You ride or die to the bottom of the ocean, that's family, that's brother, that's blood, I will forever, right? Yes, sir. That's how you want to roll in life, roll that way. I want to be with people who, everybody screws up, everybody, all of us, I want to be with people who after they screw up, make it right, they don't continue to blame other folks. Yes, sir. So yeah, if I'm in your, if I'm in your shoes, I would probably say, hey, bro, you got 48 hours. Yes, sir. Yeah, man. And here's the thing, if he chooses to bail on you, after putting you in this situation, that just further reveals the man that you already know him to be. Yes, sir. And you get to be heartbroken that your brother, A, put his brother in this situation and B, continue to put the rest of his family in this situation and C, then blame Joel for it. That's heartbreaking. That's sad, right? Yes, sir, and it's even harder because we have two kids now, two young boys, one who was two years old, another one who was just turning one. And they have a third one who was on the way as we speak, and you told me that on that same day as well, after I was kind of grilling them on that, you told me that she's praying again. So there's no possible time for me to tell them. And also I don't want to ruin their relationship with Mary actually already built. I told them straight up. You already blew it up. You already ruined. There you go. Yeah, Lee. He's channeling your inner Deloney. He already ruined it. Of course. You already blew it up, you threw a grenade inside there and the house is already exploded and the wife is in there, children will ask you, she don't even know me. Well, she knows it. She just doesn't know what, like, how it happened. She thinks it's her. Yeah. Right. And I mean, I get with mom and dad and let him know, hey, I'm doing this. This is coming. And also offer that she's got a place to stay. Make sure that potentially about to be single mom with two kids and one on the way has a home and food and shelters, about be it family, it's about community, it's about showing up for our neighbors and or maybe your brother's going to need a couch to crash on. And he can stay with you or mom and dad or he can go get his own place like he made his bed. He's got to go lie in it. But and if you want to go one step further sit down your parents and say, hey, you all said you're going to fire him if this happened again and it happened again. And by the way, if it's happened three times, it's happened more than y'all know. These are just the ones that keep getting found out. But yeah, I mean, when I get faced with a, and this is new for me, right? Because I was, I was, I'll say wishy washy, but I had different, different standards. Now I want to, I always ask myself, when things get bananas, what kind of guy do I want to be? I mean, be a guy that kills a truth, a guy that is honest, a guy that's open, a guy that just says, I'll be here with you, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to hold it for you too. Anyway, I, I, my trade is secrets, if you will, my trade is confidentiality. People come over to my house, nobody knows they were there, nobody, nobody. And so I'm all about that. But if it's, when we're talking about family and we're talking, man, it's a different, that's a different world, brother. So thanks for the call, my man. You're a good man for thinking through it and you got to do that. I'd get on you for about the last year, but you're going to make it right soon. So I'm going to applaud you for doing the next right thing and be prepared for to ask hard questions and you to say, look at it and say, I'll let you down. And now we're going to make it right, moving forward. Thanks for calling, my man. We come back, a woman asks how to find the balance needed to feel both successful and peaceful. Awesome. Great question. We'll be right back. All right, everyone, summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax because now we're back to real life, full overwhelming calendars, kids, school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is cozy earth, their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that. They're breathable. They're so good at regulating your temperature, no more kicking off the covers at 2 a.m. And cozy your towels make you feel like you're at the spa, except it's just an ordinary Tuesday. It's at your house. My house has cozy earth everywhere. They offer a hundred night sleep trial and all of their bedding and a 10 year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. 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I want to snack just y'all two working on your marriage. And as you can imagine, since my name is on it, I'm as real as it gets, Rachel's as real as it gets. We talk about your money, how to actually come together with your money. We talk about sex. We talk about communication. We talk about conflict. We talk about real things and give you real tools that will help you build the marriage you want. It's October 22nd through 24th. Click the link in the show notes for tickets, get on them. They always sell out, I want to see you here in Nashville, Tennessee. You never know what wild guests we're going to bring out on stage is always a blast. We got a date night. It's perfect. It's a great, great weekend. Come join us October 22nd through 24th, money and marriage weekend retreat. All right. It's got to Clay, Aiken, South Carolina and talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah. What's up? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing? All right. How are you? I'm doing very well. Thank you. Very good. I have a question for you. I want to know how you learn to be content without feeling like you're just being complacent. Oh, great question. Dang, Gina. Okay. So tell me the origin of that question. So I will preface with I'm an overthinker about all things. I don't, I never overthink anything. So I'll, I'll have to stretch to think, just sit with you. Yeah. So the other night, my husband and I, we were having a budget meeting conversation, what everyone would call it. And he's getting all excited and hopeful for what we're on track to accomplish. And like those conversations tend to do, I'm kind of feeling frustrated and disappointed that we haven't made more progress or like we're still dealing with this. And you know, and all my whining and complaining, he just sort of stops and goes, you know, what, what is going to be enough for you? Because I don't feel like you're ever really going to be content. And I just kind of like held my breath and I said, oh my gosh, she's right. And in all my overthinking, I started realizing that that's true beyond our finances. There's pretty much every area of life for me. Good is never good enough. If something is, if something can be better, I want to try and do my best to make it better. I don't want to live with regret. And I think part of my problem is I realize how fast time goes and we only get one life. And I don't want to ever look back and say like, I wish I would have tried harder. I wish I would have given more effort. But often like I'll make a choice. And on the other side of that choice, I'm looking back going, well, if I would have done this differently, this would have been different or possibly better. And it's just becoming emotionally and mentally exhausting. So I just want to learn to say like, this is reality. This is beautiful. It's wonderful. And let me just accept it for what is. I want to care less about the way things aren't and just sit and enjoy the way life is. But also not feel like I'm being lazy or I have more potential that I'm just not using. And you articulated this so perfectly. Well done. Thank you. Who's voice is that because it didn't start with you? Who's voice is that? The one that always telling you you should have and you could have and why didn't you? And if they had just, who's voice is that? I mean, I guess I've always attributed it to be my own because if the voice I've heard for as long as I can remember, I mean, I have parents that are wonderful and they've always supported me and challenged me and motivated me. But I feel like they didn't have to do a whole lot of motivating that in some sense, I just put this pressure on myself. Hmm, I'm going to be lunging here, okay? I'm throwing things up against the wall to see if they stick. So tell me if they don't, okay. Okay. It's often the case that both things are true. That people who love you and care about you push you really, really hard. And or they push themselves really, really hard and you hear that. And the stories we tell ourselves that that voice is often the stories that we heard told to us or about us. And over time, those stories start being told to us in our own voice and they sound true because why would we lie to ourselves, right? Right. So for instance, if you're a little girl and your mom's always talking about how she needs to lose weight, I got to lose weight. Oh, my gosh, I got to lose weight. I've got 10 more pounds. She doesn't have to say any, she could tell you you're beautiful till kingdom come. But what's the air in the home that you're breathing? Yeah, better not be 10 pounds over, right? And so if you're already a kid with a propensity for, I want to do good for my folks. I want to do good for myself. I've got an email. internal drive, and the only time your body gets that wink, that hug, that whatever is when you crush it. Then over time you learn really quickly, I'm worth being loved when I crush it, which over time becomes, if I don't crush it, I'm not lovable, which becomes, if I don't crush it, I, looking at the woman in the mirror that you are, I'm not worth anything. And, let me say this, this has zero to do with bashing anybody, bad mouthing parents, blaming, none of that. The only thing I, I, I think it's a worthy endeavor is to ask who's saying these things to me? Because I, you, Sarah, are not the voice in your head telling you it should have been different. That's another voice talking to you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And it sounds a little bit nutty. But the reason, if you can separate you from that voice that won't shut up, then it, makes room for the other voice, which is, dude, we're chilling today. Yeah, I don't do a whole lot of that, dress my husband nuts. And so here, here's the, as with anything that's uncomfortable that we have to work towards, I'm going to give you an annoying word and you're going to roll your eyes and go, "Good gosh, are you serious?" and the answer is, "Yes, you're going to have to practice." And you're going to have to put on your type A calendar, do nothing. I do that and somehow it always gets erased or, you know, something else comes up and, of course, I'll say yes. So let me ask you this, the things that, like, when you look at this so, some total of your life, you know, that's too big, how long have you been married? Nine years? Okay, let's say the last 10 years, okay. How would you answer this question? For what? Like, nine years, for what, or 10 years, for what? Like, what is, the things you've done, the tasks you've accomplished, the perfect way you make the bed, the way you clean the little holder that your toothbrushes are in, because you don't want any soap residue at the, like, like, if we back out and say the perfection of all these things, like, for what? Has it brought you the life that you want to be living right now? Perfect, great. If you had said either one of, like, no, not at all, or, yes, everything, I would have called BS on both of them, but you answered it perfectly. Some that ways it's brought order to chaos. It's brought your family along, right? And think God, your husband has you in his life, you know why? That means the electric bill gets paid every month, right? That's awesome. And think God, he has, or you have him. Yeah. Because you all have a thing you'll have to go to, and you all are going to spend the evening dancing in your living room. Or you're going to have a bunch of plans this weekend, and you know what? You're going to end up camping somewhere. You don't even like camping, but it was funny, right? Yeah. It's you giving yourself permission to believe, unlovable when I'm not doing something. So in the practice, is it, is it practiced, like, truly just practicing doing nothing? Like, that's it. No. No. Especially not for people like you and for people like me. It's towards something. Okay. So it is, it reverse engineer it as you do everything else in your life. Give me four words. If I was to say, how do you want your house to feel on an ongoing regular basis? Where are the four words you just throw out there? Really welcoming, comforting, hospital. Okay. If you have attached orderly to comfortable, you're going to have a challenge. Because comfortable is shoulders dropped. I don't care where the blankets are, there's bags of popcorn on the floor or whatever. We're just here. Orderly is everything's in its place. And so finding out, I want my house to feel like this and there's some misalignment here, right? I want it to be hospitable, but can somebody just drop by and there's laundry still out? You would never still have laundry out. But if you did and they are so happy to see you in the get a cup of water, but you're not able to be present with them because you're worried that there's laundry out of there. There's laundry out of there. Would that be hospitable? No, and there are certain people in my life that I'm 100% okay with that, like I have two small kids, a three-year-old and a six-year-old boy. So it's always like a bomb went off and it's like, like, there's always playing something up. And I do want people to still feel like they're welcome here. And you always have a place here. It doesn't have to be perfect before you show up. So a couple of people have gotten past your, have gotten backstage in the play that is your life. What is it about the other people that you feel like you have to go out on stage in front of the curtain and perform? I guess in some ways that's been my whole identity from when I was little. There you go. I've always been the smart one, the prepared one, the successful one. Like I was always the kid that other people compare themselves to. Yeah. And I'll circle back to the word you gave me earlier, that's exhausting. Yeah. It's not, it's not a one-for-one, it's not always. But generally speaking, the things that got us what we wanted or kept us safe as kids end up messing up our adulthood. And so it's being able to say, this thing played an important role in my childhood. And it's played an important role in our life. And it's not serving its purpose anymore. But as for me in my household, I'm not doing any more performances. And if you don't love me, if you don't want to come to my house, if you want to be my friend because I no longer have these clothes, this dollar amount, this, my house looks a certain way, then probably we've moved past the facade of this fake relationship that we're both pertaining we have. And can I give you a practical thing too? Yes, please. I'll give you some very practical tips here at the end. But there's a practicality to it that I don't want you to have to wear all by yourself. You also have to be honest about it may have been the last 10 years. You have to take on this role because your husband's not. Right? Yeah, I think part of it is, I don't really give him all of what a room. There we go. You're the most self-aware person. Do you go to counseling? Are you in therapy? I'm just an overthinker. Okay. Gosh. I mean, it's pretty amazing how articulate you are. I mean, how well you've thought through these things. Okay. So yeah, you are, Sister, you are straight at the implementation phase. Take action. You're ready? Yes. For the next 60 days, do not skip a day. As soon as you open your eyes in the morning, do not pick up your phone, reach over and grab a small little journal and write five things you're grateful for, write them. Then wake up and then before you pick up anything, go do one nice thing for your husband. Make him a coffee, go, go, I don't know what he's like, smack his butt in the kitchen. I don't know what he's into. So give him a hug for 60 seconds. what it is. Do one nice thing for. Okay? Don't look at your phone until. Oh, and after you do something nice for him, do something nice for you. Not for the stage version of you, but for backstage you. Is that go for a walk outside and get some morning sun in your eyes? Is that go exercise? Is that go right poetry and I don't. Do a nice thing for you. Okay? And here's what we're doing practically. And it sounds so pedantic and it sounds so small and lame. What you're doing is you're orienting your body towards. This. I just open my eyes. I'm so grateful to be alive. Yeah. Next, I'm going to orient myself towards service. I was made, I was put on planet earth to love well. And I'm going to act towards that. Not with criticism, not with we need to, not with we've got to but with here's a cup of coffee. The next is I'm going to do something for me because I'm worth an hour by myself so that I could spend the rest of this day with my husband and these kids anchoring into me. And none of that is about. Has anything to do with prepping the house for the big theater show tonight. And then I want you to put. I want you to do the opposite of what I told you to do earlier, okay? Don't put free time on the calendar. I want you to instead block off cleaning time. 30 minutes. That's it. Whatever I get done in 30 minutes is awesome. And make a commitment to yourself that when your husband walks in the house, you don't immediately announce the things that you didn't get done. That one's going to be hard. I know. But because if he walks in the door and the first thing is not a smile and I'm happy to see you, it is you trying to pull all the bullets out of a gun. You think he's about to fire at you. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I was doing this and I didn't get this cleaned up and I didn't get this finished. If he's a guy who walks in and is demanding his wife be perfect and this then he's got his own problems. But the way you've described him is he's a guy who's just kind of recklessly in love with his wife and he's kind of happy to be alive. He's got two knucklehead little boys and a good setup going, right? Yeah. And so I'm not going to flinch in the face of a man who loves me like that. You're pretty amazing, Sarah. Pretty amazing. Another powerful tool for overthinkers is getting with real people in the world and dropping your shoulders with them and being honest and vulnerable and saying things like I feel jealous and I am tired of like sharing that with other real people. Your body tends to go, ah, oh, we're safe now. She can be a blessing too. Thanks for the call. You're on the right path. Now it's practice time. I cannot wait to see how this worked out for you. We'll be right back. AI is blowing up all over the place and now people don't need to know you to sound like they do. And with technology like voice matching, scammers can use what they know about you in ways that are almost impossible to detect. That's where DeleteMe can help. DeleteMe goes to hundreds of data broker sites and removes your personal information so scammers can't grab it and use it against you. And then if your data pops up again, DeleteMe keeps removing it month after month. Go to joindeleteMe.com/deloney to get 20% off all plans or click the link in the description. All right, Kelly. I have the problem. As always the answer is yes, um, you are just agree. We can agree to disagree, but I'm right. So before we go to the amide the problem, we are changing things up a little bit without the problem and we want your voicemails people. Yes. So not only, ah, not just type them and send them in, we want your voicemails and we're going to play the voicemail and then you will, um, get to, you know, you'll get to reply to the voicemail. Now there's a few things people need to know. First thing, phone number, 844-693-3291, 844-693-3291. Call in, leave a voicemail. At the beginning of that voicemail, say this is for am, am, am I the problem? So we know that that's what it is, okay? That's also the number Kelly gives that to men when she's out on the town. So she needs to be able to parse through who's calling what? I go back to yes, you are the problem. So when you call in, give us your first name and tell us where you are, tell us that amide the problem. It has to be something that John can answer without any more context. This can't be your big life story and a question that involves, you know, a ton of other questions and having to dig deeper. It's the same thing as if you were typing in it, and if we can't use it, we won't use it. Please keep them to less than a minute. You could put a fake name on there. You could say, "Hi, this is Janet from North Dakota." Exactly. I just need something or I will make something up myself. There you go. But keep it short, keep it to about a minute. We will edit them if we have to, but keep the question brief. You know, keep it something we can answer without more context. And yeah, send us those in and I look forward to that. I'm super excited to get more voices out on the show. And every time we do an amide the problem, I always have to imagine who wrote this. What were they doing? What's their, like, are they angry or are they laughing? So this will be awesome. Get your voice heard. Get out there. I'm hype for it. Yep. All right. So for today's amide the problem, this is from Gerald in Boston, Massachusetts. And he writes, "I've had struggles with my weight most of my life. One of the reasons is I'm a grazer. Mostly chocolate and sugary snacks. I am seeing my son follow the same pattern. I have asked my wife not to buy these type of snacks regularly, buying them for parties and special occasions is fine, but not regularly so that we are not tempted by them." She says, "No, because then we are not fixing the issue and we need to use willpower to just not eat them." Am I the problem for just not wanting the temptation in the house instead of working on my willpower? Yeah, I actually, I got, I think it was two grams of cocaine and like, not a full pound of weed, but I got a bunch and I just lay it out on my kitchen counter right where the kids walk by and I'm like, willpower, kids willpower. Yeah, and I have a laptop that's just unfiltered and it's just like, guys, type in whatever you want and just use your voice. Just Siri will find it for you. No, that's madness, madness, madness. A, yes, like, you know what? This may be, don't love me to say, at this point in my eye to him a grazer, I love candy and I love shenanigan food. I'm through trying to get to the root of that. I have a simple choice. Do I do it or do I not do it? And by the way, I've been sober from candy all the way since May. I'm still plugging along. Very proud of you. And can I just say this shockingly? I'm having to go get new pants. I last night at the concert, the guy who was grabbing the shirts was like, are you getting an XL? And I was like, nope, large. And he's like, whoa, like, it just happens, just, you know what I mean? It's just math. But here's the thing. I'm not getting to the root of it. I just have to stop. And one of the great ways to stop is to not have it around you. So, yes, that's your dead-on to say, hey, as a family, we're going to stop bringing this kind of garbage into the house. And by the way, because she loves me, my wife occasionally, I'll open a drawer and there will be a bag of gummy candies. It's probably been in there six months where my wife can just eat three at a time because she's a serial killer. But she can just eat a few and then put it back in the drawer. She hides it front. There's not hide it for, I think she does hide it for me. But it's not out in the cabinet because she knows I'll walk by and be like, yeah, I got to have that right now. And so, if your wife needs a sugary snack, great. Awesome. Cool. Ask her to love you well and to put it in a place where it's just for her. And here's the next step. If I was in the same situation, like, hey, I want to stop having candy and junk in the house. I'm trying to clean up my diet. And as you mentioned, my son is picking up my habits, my daughter's picking up my habits. And my wife looked at me and was like, I don't care. Then when it came into the house, I would put it in the trash. I throw it away. And like, that's my new willpower, right? My willpower is I will pick it up and throw in the trash. So, yes, madness just to be like, no, we got to do with willpower ridiculous. What do you think, Kelly? 100% I kind of like, I feel like I got up on my little soap box here. I think it's 100% right. You don't like go to AA for alcohol and they tell you go sit in a bar. AA is not at a full bar. Right. They tell you you have to stay away from alcohol. You have to get new friends that are drinking, you know, that aren't drinking anymore. You have to cut all of that out of your life for a reason. We'll figure out why later, stop doing it now and then we'll figure out why. Yes, I mean, like, I used to love soft drinks. I mean, wait, like back in high school, college, I loved them. And then I just quit drinking them. Now I can have one coke every three weeks and I drink half of it. Right. But I didn't go just set them all around me and be like, I won't do this. I won't. Yeah, duh. I mean, yeah, that's bad form, especially when your spouse is trying to do something healthy, be supportive for the love of young their team, and when they say, hey, the thing that I've struggled with my whole life, I'm watching my kids become a part of this. Will you help me? And they're like, no, ah, that gives me the hemorrhoids, man. That gives me the GAS on a stick. You are not the problem, my brother. Love you guys, bye.