Caller: “Is My Relationship With My Kids Unhealthy?”

(upbeat music) - Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchill Mortgage.com. - How do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection on to my kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness? - It just has started to make me wonder like, man, is sometimes the things that I do or like the affection I get from, is it more like for me than it is for that? - God's great question. (upbeat music) - What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Comedy from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking real calls from real people. I'd love to have you on this show. Click the link in the show notes if you wanna talk about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, what's going on in your kids' schools, whatever you got going on, give me a call and I'll sit down with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. It's got the Calgary Albertan. Talk to Samantha. Hey Samantha, what's up? - Hi Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. - Of course, thanks for calling. What's going on? - Yeah, so my question is how do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection on to my kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness? - Wow, great question. Yeah, where's the line on like appropriate connection versus me creating unhealthy codependency? - Oh my gosh, great question. What sparked this question? Was there a thing that happened and you were like, that's quite too much? - Well, it's funny because summer is usually the hardest time when it comes to this 'cause throughout like school year, my kids are only gone every other weekend and then during the summer they're gone for like bigger chunks of time. - Three, yeah. And so it then just kind of, when they come home, it's like the biggest deal to me, right? 'Cause obviously like they've been gone for so long and so it just has started to make me wonder like, Matt, is sometimes the things that I do or like the affection I give to them? Is it more like for me than it is for that? What's the line of, and I don't know if this is because like I don't have a partner to kind of clean some of that from to, if I'm just like looking to them for it? - Yeah, let me say out of the gate. I mean, I've got a writer-die partner, it's awesome. And when my kids are gone for a week, they're at a summer camp or something, I'm so over the top when they get home. And I want them to feel that their dad was happy that they're home. - Yeah. - Like, I don't mind telling my 10-year-old daughter, I miss dad hugs, I don't mind telling my 16-year-old son, I miss my morning handcuck, right? So like that's awesome. I want your kids to know that mom's life is better when they're home, okay? It's not a bad thing. It will make going to college hard and all that, but who cares, like I want them to know that mom, that the home is not complete when you're not here, which is really hard in a co-parenting situation like you're in, right? The other side of that is I don't know how this works and I'm sure Huwerman could give me a breakdown of the neurochemistry. I don't fully understand at all. I have, it's been my experience that kids know when they are responsible for their parents' emotional needs. It's like sitting in a backpack, it's like wearing a backpack and then suddenly you click the shoulder straps and the around the waist strap, like, I'm carrying them, right? And so for you, I think the balance is you don't have a spouse and I hear some longing there, you know a partner, but also I would ask you, do you have a gang of friends that you tell the dark stuff and the good stuff to? Do you have a group of friends that y'all do stuff regularly, especially when the kids aren't home? Do your kids, can they feel on you that you've got other adults carrying the emotional weight of adult friendships and adult relationships so that when they're home, you can have appropriate, mom's just gonna be ridiculous about you guys being here relationships. You get what I'm saying? - Yeah, no, and I definitely do have like, I've created a really great community and I have an amazing family and like, it's just more so like I don't, I don't know if like me missing out on time with them and them being in this situation that I never wanted for them in the first place has just made change my perspective on like being a parent or if it's just, I don't know, I kind of have a hard time like articulating it, but. - Let me see if this helps. Parents should not be able to breathe when their kids are gone for two or three weeks. - Yeah. - That we shouldn't norm that. And so a big chunk of your heart is out running around somewhere where you're not. That's never been that way in all of human history until recently. Forever, for all of human history that hasn't been the way it is. Especially for moms. - Yeah. - And so it should never, I hope it never becomes comfortable. It hope it never becomes norm. Now you should have 24 hours of, ah, right? Nobody's still like, hey, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I like, there is an exhale. - Yeah. - Right, for me, it's about 12. It used to be 24 hours and it's getting shorter and shorter. It's about 12 hours for me when they're gone. I was like, I can watch whatever I want to watch at whatever volume I want to watch. I can eat whatever, like it's awesome for 12 hours and then I'm miserable, right? And that's, I don't want you ever apologizing for that. - Yeah, I think it's even just like more so like, when they're home for Christmas, it's about the time. Like I just, I don't, like it's like a little give me a hug or like, we'll sit on the couch and like cuddle or like every once in a while I let one of them have a sleepover in my bed with me. And it's just like sometimes it's just like, they're just feeling my cup so much. - All of that is awesome, Samantha. Don't stop doing any of that. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - Don't ever, we still have couch pile at our house. I got a 16 year old now and it's turned into, and this is totally age appropriate. You gotta at least come watch part of this movie with us. Right? And he's like, come on, it goes. And that's exactly what he should be doing at that age. But we still do our absolute best to have as many dinners around the table as we can. I still on a regular basis. I don't wanna tell you about my family even anymore. This is about you and your family. Yes and yes and yes. Let your kids fill your cup, but don't make it their responsibility when it's getting low. - But I think my question though is like, what does that look like? Like what are the little things I can watch out for to make sure that it doesn't? - Are you. Are you asking them to carry secrets for you? - No, not at all. - Are you asking them to. When you get sad, is it their job to make you less sad? - No, but with that, sometimes they'll see me be upset about something and I'll just tell them, I'm just sad right now. And I mean, sometimes they'll give me a hug and I'll just tell them like, I think they really needed that. But I don't know if that's. - All of that, I don't know. - So either. - That's all, that means you're a, showing your kids that you're a full human being and b, they have a natural human response, which is to lean into the people in their tribes hurt and hug. Like all of that is right and good. I'm not confused 'cause I know we live in a crazy world. I guess it breaks my heart that you're wondering if that's right. - Well, I think the bottom line with that is like, I've just seen them experience so much hurt over the past few years and like, maybe I'm carrying some guilt. Like I don't ever wanna be the source of it. - Yeah. - So, and so I think it's become where I just like, I'm over thinking things now because I so badly do not want to put anything else on them, you know? - So, I'm gonna speak as honestly and boldly as I can, but I want you to hear me say I'm 1,000% on your team. Is that cool? - Yeah. Let me a picture of the divorce. - Yeah, it wasn't good. - What does that mean? - Like, their dad walked out when my son was three months old. And I, yeah, it just dealt with a whole ton of rejection. There was a lot of things during the divorce where he just started spewing things that were so untrue and tried to paint, you know, it'd be a bad mom, which at the core, like, I know if out of anything, that I am. I know I'm a good mom. And so I think there's just because of like I tried to shield them from that as much as I could and I was going through it, right? But I just and I see like on there and like he doesn't reach out, he doesn't come to anything outside of like his weekends, right? And so I just see on them too like how much like at certain times like pain, it's caused them. And so I just don't want to ever be a source of that for them. Okay. So how old are they? Seven and five. Okay. So here's the uncomfortable truth that you know, but I'm just going to say it out loud. They're they're going to suffer a lot. Yeah. They're going to be in a lot of pain. And their their world is unsteady now because dad walked out. Okay. No kid should endure that. No wife should endure that with especially with a three month old baby, right? Like all of this is wrong. Yeah. And so trying to shield them from all of that is it's not even a good use of your energy because it's happened, right? So if if I'm from Houston, so there was a lot of hurricanes growing up, if there's a hurricane bearing down on my house and I grab my two kids when they were younger and I shield them with my body as that thing destroys our home. That's right and good. But if the sun comes out the next morning and every my house is in rubble and I won't let them stand up, now I'm suffocating them, right? Yeah. And if I continue to hunch over them and say no, y'all can't leave. And if if y'all get out from under my shadow underneath like my if y'all get out from under my body, I'm going to fall. Y'all need to hold me up. Then that's tough. But knowing, hey, this whole our whole house is gone now. And not for one second, do I want y'all to feel like y'all are alone in this? I'm right here because my my house is blown up too. It's not going to put the house back together right away. But they will have an anchored sturdy presence in their life forever. And that will be you. And your kids will always wonder what was so bad about them that dad left. And as they get older and he tries to be cool dad and they're going to I mean, you're going to you'll deal with that, right? Dad lets us do it. I know. But when you're here, we don't. You're the worst mom, I can't that will be part of weathering this whole thing. You just got put on a roller coaster that you had never intended to get on. Yeah. They don't have big highs and big lows. But I don't ever want you to doubt ever hugging your your kids. I don't want you to ever doubt the moments when you're just overcome by the grief and you're sobbing and your five-year-old says, Mommy, what's wrong? And you say, Mommy's really sad right now. And they come give you a hug. You if you want to get really technical, maybe you you look at your kid and say you have magic hugs and they make Mommy feel better. That that's a little bit different than I need this right now, right? But I don't even mind that. I don't even mind that. Okay. You're doing a pretty great job in a in a in a pretty crappy situation. How long has how long ago did this all happen? Well, you've, I mean, after my son was born. Oh, so it's been several years. Okay. Yeah, like we've been divorced for two. Okay. The process took a while. But yeah. Is there a part of you that this is still unfolding? This new reality is still unfolding in front of you. I think maybe it's the grief that because like I grew up in such an incredible stable home. Yeah. And even to this day, my family is so close and never in a million years did I once even picture. Yeah. This would be my situation or my dream for my family. So I think it's just like really painful that like I've even had a better experience growing up than what like they've experienced at this point. And that is really hurt. Yeah. Because they're my kids. Yeah. And that hurts right? Yeah. It's not a bad thing that you have that hurt. Yeah. Them constantly walking around knowing mom had a way better run than we did. That's probably not helpful for them, right? But yeah, I mean, on the other end, I'm highly having my family too, they can also anchor into it's really cool. Of course, you've got a great support network. That's what families are for. Yeah. And you've probably got annoying cousins or uncles or whatever. But yeah, they've got a good anchor support system. That's amazing. It's awesome. But the grief of all of this is real. Somebody walked into your pretty great life and blew it up and then blamed you for it. Yeah. Yeah. That's grief. That's grief. I want you to pick up a book by I think one of the greatest writers out there, David Kessler, and it's called Finding Meaning. It's what I think is the best book on grief ever written. And it does talk about grief of like family member loss or child loss. But also, it's just a it's a bigger picture of grief and how to process it and what do you do next? And it's a masterpiece. And I give it to friends of mine who have significant loss. I give it to I've read it multiple times. It's just a masterpiece. But I think it's worth reading and it will probably resonate with you a lot. Okay. But you're a good mom. Thanks. You're a good mom. And your kids knowing that my mom is honest and my mom has you telling your kids that you're sad gives them permission to be sad too. You telling your kids that you have a broken heart gives your kids permission to feel like they've got a broken heart. And then this is the burden of being a parent. They're going to watch how you handle it. Right. And so if you they see you after their hug with mom and she said you go polish a bottle of wine, they're going to learn like, oh, that's how we deal with this. We we numb it. Right. If they see mom sad, we're going to go have dinner. And then we're having couch pile. We're going to everybody. We're going to paper ox scissors for who gets to watch the show they want to watch. Then they're going to get that lived experience of mom is home. Right. And that's just going to be an anchor point to them for their whole lives in a world that feels at times anchorless. And when that when they come in and say, what didn't that call? What does it dad want to you can sit with them and say, that's a big feeling. And it makes me sad for you. I'll stay here with you and let them know I'm not scared of your feelings. And that will teach them that don't need to be scared of their feelings too. You're doing a great job. I hate this for you. Hate this for your kids. Hate y'all in this situation. But yeah, having a group of adults that you anchor into on a regular basis so that you can repel off the side and just delight in the chaos and madness of having a five and seven year old and their individual personalities and their individualness. It's magic. It's making the best of a really messy situation. You're a blessing to them. When we come back, a woman asks if she should keep her inheritance separate from her husband. If she doesn't feel safe in their marriage, we'll be right back. Hey, all of you stay at home. Parents out there. Listen up. There's a blind spot that could wreck your family's future thinking that only the one earning the paycheck in your life needs life insurance coverage. Here's the truth. Even if you don't have an income, what you do for your home is priceless. It's critically important. 24/7 child care, preparing two meals a day plus lunches, showfaring kids all over the town and taming household chaos. It would be impossible to replace all of the things you do and it would not be cheap. Your family depends on way more than a paycheck, which is why both you and your partner need term life insurance from Xander. Xander shops, the top rated companies to find the best coverage options for your needs and your budget and you'll find out covering both of you probably costs a lot less than you think it will. With term life from Xander, you have peace of mind that your family will always be taken care of. I've used Xander for most of my adult life and my wife and I sleep better knowing that both of us are covered with life insurance and we both know that our family will be protected. What you do is irreplaceable, but if something happens to you, term life insurance helps protect your family no matter whose name is on the paycheck. Get this done today by going to zander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free quote. That's zanderwithaz.com or click the link in the description. All right, Portland or again, Let's talk to Wendy. Hey, Wendy, what's up? Hi, Dr. John, how are you? - Great, how are you? - Doing all right. - Let's go on on. - What's going on? - So, yeah, my husband and I, we've been together seven years, married for four. The last couple years have been pretty rough in our relationship. We have a one, almost two year old. And ultimately, the question is, sadly, my grandmother passed away recently. And because my mother has already also passed away, I'll be getting a pretty big sum of money as an inheritance. My husband has threatened to leave many times, at least 10 times. And because of that, I'm hesitant to combine this money with our joint accounts. I've talked to a lawyer, and apparently if I keep the money in a separate personal account, and don't use it on any communal expenses, and then we were too divorced in the future, which is not what I want. That money would not be something that he could ask for in the divorce. All that to say, I don't want to make the marriage worse, but I also kind of want to protect myself. - I mean, 1,000%. When you say it's gotten, quote unquote, pretty rough, what does that mean? - We've been through quite a bit in fertility, and we almost lost our daughter when I was six months pregnant, and then just becoming parents has been a real, really hard transition. - Why has your husband threatened to divorce up to 10 times? - He would say that all of the problems are on me, and I will admit that my easiest coping mechanism when we're arguing or fighting is to have a glass of wine or two, and just kind of numb out and avoid the situation. I would say that I feel like I live in a failure factory where everything I do is criticized and not enough, and I'm doing it wrong, and I'm a bad mom, and things like that are what most of our fights revolve around. - So to me, the money is the inheritance here is less of the quote unquote issue, and there's some practical things that everyone needs to, I mean, you need to do to keep yourself safe and be wise, right? But to me, it's a revealer. It just pulled the curtain back. - Yeah. - All right. You're in a mess, no question about it, and numbing out of the guilt factory, the failure factory is a normal response, okay? It's not healthy, you know this, I know this, but it's normal. Do you have a problem with alcohol? - I do, yeah. - Okay, are you seeking treatment? - I am, yeah, I'm in both individual therapy. My brother and I both kind of struggle with the same things, and we talk almost every day, and I've been to groups and things like that, and right now I think it's okay. I think it's under control. - Are you sober? - Am I perfect for like a week now? - Okay, hold on, can I just congratulate you? Seven days is a long time. - Thanks. - Thanks. - I'm not playing, come on for real. - Thanks. - He also smokes marijuana every day, but according to him, that's not a problem. - Of course it's not, but here's the thing. If going to groups and clawing your way through seven days of sobriety, it will teach you anything, it is you can only control you. What you do next, the minute, next hour, next day. - Yeah. - And you'll also, especially seven days, and it will get real, real bad during this next week. - Is, you know, I've made it for a couple of months at a time. - Okay. - Well, here and there, and then I tell myself, oh, it's not a problem anymore. - Right, right. So, I want you to be honest about sobriety. - Yes. - And also, I want you to be honest about when you remove that crutch from you, you're normal just walking through the world. How bad is that knee injury? And the knee injury here being your marriage, right? - Yeah. - And if you have to drink to survive being at your own house and your own home with your own partner, that's a, I mean, every alarm bell you have should be ringing. - That's how it feels, yeah. - And if he has to smoke weed to stay present in his or to the illusion of staying present in his own house, that should be an alarm that he needs to attend to. - Right. - Yeah. - Are you safe? - Yeah, definitely, physically safe. A lot of yelling and screaming and sometimes throwing things, but he's never harmed me. - Yeah, that's not safe. - Yeah. - Yelling is different. - You're like, how low do you? - There you go. Yelling is different than screaming and smashing things and throwing things is different than screaming. There's a trend line, there's an escalation. You see what I'm saying? - Yep, yep. - How old's your little one? - She'll be two in November. - Okay. And I'm not kicking you while you're down. I'm just saying the obvious, but she's absorbing every bit of this. - Mm-hmm. I know. She already has, like, kind of tell tell finds when he starts getting worked up. - Yeah, but she also has, she also can feel you as you're getting closer and closer home. She feels the tension in the car rise. - Yep. - All right, imperceptibly, she sees you grab the steering wheel a little bit tighter. - Mm-hmm. - She sees your breathing get shallower and shallower until you just have to run in and grab a glass of wine. - Yep. - Yeah, this is second marriages for both of us. And my previous marriage, I didn't want to get in fights. And so I took a lot of financial hits from that as well. - Is your money combined in every other way outside of this potential inheritance? - It is, yeah. - Okay. Are y'all responsible together financially? - What do you mean by that? - Do y'all make plans together? Do y'all stick to a plan? And y'all live it out when it comes to how you spend money, what you buy, how y'all share things, your retirement plans? - Yes and no. He's definitely more of the spender. And kind of when he wants something, he will just buy it. - Okay. - He'll come and ask me like he wanted a new car a couple, like a year and a half ago. And I said, you don't need a new car. We have a perfectly fine car. Well, I found this really good deal and I really wanted it's my dream car. And I said, I'm really not comfortable with that. And two days later he drove home with the car. - Yeah. - So yeah, things like that make me uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I'm like trying to pay off my student loans. - But y'all aren't making a plan to pay off y'all's student loan debt together. - Not really, no. - All right. And what I'm digging for here is, are y'all just, are y'all living parallel lives anyway? It sounds like you're both, your roommates trying to survive an unhealthy living situation. And then one of you just is about to get a big check. - That feels accurate, yeah. - Okay. - So yes, follow your attorney's ideas 'cause there is truth to that, right? Especially depending on what state you're in. But often, maybe in every state, but I know in most states, inheritance can be kept separate. But to me, that's not even close to the biggest part of this conversation. The biggest part of this conversation is you asking yourself and dealing with the grief of a second marriage that didn't work out a true alarm system going off. I've got to deal with my sobriety. I got to be clear-minded for me and my daughter. And what is that reveal when I stop using the thing that helps me survive this, which is numbing out? What is that reveal about how safe this thing actually is? You know what I mean? - Yeah. I mean, he says if I was completely sober, then he would be happy and we would never get an argument. But I have not found that to be true. - Do you want to stay married to him? - I do, yeah. - To him or to the idea? - That's a hard question. - That's honestly the only question that you should answer. - Right. You know, I do love him. We have had really good times. And I just feel like we're in this, like, cycle that just goes round and round where he gets upset, I drink, we have a big blow up and then, okay, we're going to be better and then it's better for a week or two and then the whole thing just happens again. And so the only way it works is you'll have to clear the deck and you can't be the only one. It's very, very rare that all of the relationships issues are pile on one person. If someone has, like, true mental illness, if somebody has true violent addiction, like, yes, like, I'm stopping the presses, you got to stop doing xyz. But in a situation like this, it sounds co-creative, right? You said it just, it's, it's, that's, it's that cycle. It's like a figure eight and the worst part of the figure eight is you'll occasionally meet in the middle and you'll have, you'll laugh your guts out or you have a wild toward night of wild fun sex and then I'll send you like, oh, we're back or he's extra nice one day or you're super sober one day and it's just, it's everything's clear and good and it feels like that's normal and then you head off on your side of the figure eight, he heads off on his side and that's the reality, right? And so y'all clear in the deck and saying, here's what must be true for me. And here's a path I want you to walk and vice versa. And if he says, I'm not walking any path, I'm not changing, you're the one needs to change. Then you've got some hard choices to make. I worry if I tell him about the money, that will be like his final straw to actually weave. Well, that statement right there is all you need to know. But if you haven't been clear with him, it sounds like he's been clear with you, you have to stop drinking and all of our problems will go away. Okay, I, I hear you, I'm going to make sobriety a number one priority in my life for the next 90 days. I might even go to impatient because if my brother's dealing with it too, that tells me that y'all had a pretty rough growing up. Also, there's some, there's some, there's some pretty caustic demons in there that you're battling. And I'm going to go deal with them. And here's what I need from you. No more weed in the house, no more weed at all. We share finances, which means we share debt. So that means we share futures. That means we share everything. And if he says, I'm not doing any of that, then what you know is you aren't going to rebuild your marriage. He's going to sit in a lawn chair with the joint and watch you rebuild the marriage. And it will never work that way. Yeah, I guess I, I do keep thinking if I could just do the right thing or say the right thing or be the right way for long enough, I could fix this. Do you have abuse in your childhood? It's like verbal. My dad was pretty rough growing up. Okay. The sentiment you just explained is very common for somebody who grew up knowing parental love is either unsafe or it's been weaponized. Yeah, yeah, super conservative background. If you perform this way, if you were loved and if not, like my oldest brother got kicked out. Yeah. So yeah, I think here's a path you can only control you. So the path I would give to you is you be honest with you. What must I do to become whole and well? And if it means taking 30 days or 60 days by yourself and saying we're going to have a structured separation for a season where I'm going to seek sobriety. I'm going to seek peace. I want to drive in to my home and walk in the front door and my shoulders drop and I smile real big because I'm home. Not I am so amped up when I walk through the door. I have to head straight to the fridge. I feel like I have to head straight to the fridge and grab a glass of wine or straight to the cabinet and grab a glass of wine so that I can deal with what's coming. A structured separation may be perfect here in a structured separation has to have a clear path. We will meet at this date at this restaurant at this time under these conditions to reevaluate. Or maybe you don't need a structured separation, but you need to ask yourself what must I do to be the best version of myself given the situation I'm in and what will that look like? And I think you've got to start with sobriety. I think now's the time. You got two-year-old you can't get sober for her, but you can't get sober for you because you're worth it and she will be a direct beneficiary of that. But yeah, I think right now given all the uncertainty in your home, I would follow your attorney's advice. I'm going to put this to the side for a bit and we're going to go from there. Sorry that you're in this situation. It's heartbreaking heartbreaking heartbreaking. Thanks for the call. We come back. A woman asks what to do with her dad's revelation that her sister may not be his biological daughter. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 license therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the way you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health therapist to help you carry the load. Go to BetterHealth.com/Delony for 10% off. That's BetterHealth, H-E-L-P.com/Delony. All right, we are back. Hey, go over to the app store and pick up the Together app. It's six bucks. You can do it by yourself or you can bring your spouse for free. Listen, it is a game changer for your marriage. Whether you're feeling exhausted, whether you're struggling with communication, struggling with sex and intimacy, it will give you daily challenges and daily prompts and we're building an educational teaching. It's just awesome. And the reviews keep coming in. Thousands and thousands of people are using this thing. It gives them action steps back towards the marriage that they want and more importantly back towards loving their partner well. So go check it out in the app store. The Together app by Dr. John Delony. Let's go out to Victoria, British Columbia and talk to Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. That's coming because my father recently revealed to me that he thinks my sister is not his biological daughter. And I'm just not sure what to do with that information. How old are you? I'm in my mid 50s. How old is he? Ninety. Okay. Why now? Why did he pass us along to you now? I'm not sure if it's just something that he needed to get off his chest. I was on the phone with him requesting some paperwork, paperwork that my mother had asked me to get from him. And I served a force, by the way, and it wasn't amicable. So I'm often the person in the middle that takes care of these tasks. And he said it goes pretty well, but I think something triggered him there. And he went on a little bit of storytelling about how my mom cheated on him. And the result is he doesn't think that my sister is his daughter. Is him telling you that to that? Did you go, ah, or was your impulse disbelief? Yeah, a shock in disbelief, because as you said, why now? And what do I do with this? Did you tell you don't tell anybody? Don't tell your sister? No. Okay. We didn't. Is your sister have any idea about this? No. Okay. No. Um, fesh. What a mess. Um, yeah. Um, I think there's two separate relationships here that your dad just set on fire a little bit. One is your relationship with him. Actually, there's three. One in your relationship with him, one in your relationship with your mom, and one with your sister now. Yeah. Right. Are you close with your sister? I'm close with all of my family. Yeah. So I'm a bit bombed because I'm a little annoyed. My dad right now. Yeah. And then I did something that I'm really ashamed of, which was because I was still shell shocked. I went and drank half the bottle of wine and then texted my mom, which was just the horrible, horrible thing to do. Put her on the screen. spot like, what was she supposed to say to me? Yes, it's true. I mean, yeah. So, I mean, family secrets have a way of not staying secret forever. Yeah, I guess so. I guess I just think it's not her obligation to tell me that kind of information. It's hers. Yeah, um, I, she's, she's lied to y'all for 40 or 50 years. Well, that is true. Right. And so, yeah. You and I can both sit here and if we were each sharing a plated of nachos, I would laugh laughingly, but not funny laugh, but like, of course, you know, that was dumb to not drink a bottle wine and start bomb texting your, your elderly mother, right? Of course. Right. So let's move that out of the way. You got a grenade dropped in your lap and you hoppitated it to the person next to you. Is that the right thing to do? No, it happened. Let's move on. So I got some great, I got a lot of grace for you in that moment, okay? Cool. So, the reality is, hey, there's been an ongoing lie for most of your life. Yeah. And that's hard to metabolize, especially if your first impulse, his mom would never do that. That's not who she is. Or that's not who she was. Especially if your dad has, is a pretty stoic guy and then suddenly just starts deathbed, confessional, dropping all kinds of wild family history on you, right? Yeah. The relationship, this is going to sound screwy, the relationship I'm most concerned about here is you and your sister. Yeah. Because with the advancements and medical biology, she's going to find out at some point. And the question will be, can you believe it? And you're going to be forced because of your parents' dishonesty to choose whether you're going to be honest or not. And so what I would love for you to do is to put a stake in the ground. I won't be like them to. I will tell the truth. I'm going to be a person who tells the truth. Which means I'm close with my sister. And by the way, your sister's going to be who's left after the next few years. That relationship's going to could go on for another 40 years. I'm going to sit down. I'm going to look her in the eye and say, I love you. And I heard some wild stuff. And I know it's going to be it might shatter your world. I will be right here with you through all of it. Oh God. I don't have the courage to do that. I'll just ask you, please don't put her in a situation where she finds out. And she looks at you like you looked at your mother and your dad. What if it's not true, though? I mean, I know the wonderful. I know it's a simple, it's a simple genetic test. Simple, easy, easy. Yeah. And then it's it is true. If it is true. Well, she needs to know for medical reasons for all like her kids need like she needs to know for all sorts of reasons. I didn't think you're going to tell me that. I thought you're going to tell me just how to put it in a little compartment and throw it away. But at my age, my hard drives pretty fall like I just don't know if there's room for this. There's a secret. Take a biological toll on a person and own relationships. To put it crassly secrets will kill you. Yeah. And that's why I'm just not a huge fan of them. I'm a huge fan of confidentiality. I'm a huge fan of privacy, huge huge fan of confidentiality and privacy. Right. People fly in and stay with me and nobody ever knows they were there. Right. But I have a rule when you come to my house, no phones, no cameras, no social media, no nothing. If you want to come to my house and you actually want to work on getting better and I can sit with you and manage to give you a place to put your head down. Awesome. Great. That's the best. No one will ever know you're here. That's different than I'm gonna keep your dirty secrets. I'm gonna be a co-conspirator in dishonesty and deceit. I'm not gonna do that. See the difference. If your dad had said your mom used to cheat on me all the time and it broke my heart, maybe you don't pass that along. That may be a private conversation between you and your dad. Yeah. But then he pulled the pin on a second bomb and a second grenade and it was and I don't think your sister's even my biological daughter. You know when she's gonna find that out when the wheel is red? Oh, good lord. He would never do that. Oh, really? Well, no. Would you have thought 30 days ago that he would pull you aside and say, I don't think no, see? Yeah, I don't know what the intent was there. I should have asked, but I was just I was he's 90 years old generally. Shock. He's 90 years old. Yeah. I wouldn't spend one second on us should have because that's such a shock. And if he if I had asked you six months ago, is there a chance that your mom just ran around your dad all the time? You would have said, no, there's no chance of that. Well, there were inklinks. But yeah, you're like, well, that wouldn't be true. I know it's true. This whole situation calls in one question, who are you going to be? Yeah. Who are you going to be when it's easy? Who are you going to be when it's real hard? Yeah. I'm a more keeper of the piece type of person. I know, but keeping the piece like conflict deferred is conflict amplified. There's a very real chance you lose your relationship with your sister too. And if she called in and said, Hey, my sister knew my dad disclosed to her that I wasn't his true daughter that my dad my biological dad is somewhere out there and I never got to meet him because they lied to me my whole life. And then my sister found out and then I didn't have a chance in my dad, my my biological dad was actually 91. He was still alive and I didn't get to see him. I would not have nice things to say about you. Right? Well, that guy is that guy is dead. Maybe. So maybe. No, he is. If it's that guy. Oh, move. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh, boy. And here's the thing. There's so many variables. There's just one question. Who are you going to be? When things are good, when things are hard, when things are ugly, who are you going to be? My hope is I'm going to be a person who tells the truth. And you got put in a really messy situation. And it's probably worth not texting, but calling your mom and saying, Hey, I messed that up. I shouldn't have bombed texted you. I was so shocked and caught off guard. I'm sorry. Oh, she didn't allow it to me for 50 years. And maybe she'll respond to you and say, there is zero percent chance that your sister, my daughter is not your dad's. But who knows, who knows? But my wisdom to you, my advice to you is you got to have a hard conversation with your sister. And she needs to know, I am anchored into concrete. I will go nowhere because I'm your right or die. Regardless of who your dad is, I'm right here because you're my sister. You have been for my whole life and you will be for my whole life. And you will not go through the discovery process alone because your sister will be right here. Thanks for calling Jennifer. Choose telling the truth. We'll be right back. All right, everyone. Summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. 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You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozy earth dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy earth dot com slash Deloney use code Deloney and don't forget to take their post purchase survey and let cozy earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, Kelly and I the problem. All right, so this is from Melissa in spearfish south Dakota. Again, yep, I've actually heard of that one. Have you? Yeah. I don't know why, but I have spearfish spearfish South Dakota. Yeah. I feel like it's it's I love that name of that town. Yeah. I feel like it's kind of one of those it's famous for get this spear fishing. Spear fishing probably. No, let me hold on. I'm going to go out on a limb. I want somebody from spearfish South Dakota. Please send me like a t-shirt from a local high school. I just want a t-shirt that just says spearfish across of but they're probably like the spearfish Marlins or this they should be, but I hope it's that like it'll be the spearfish Mustang. Exactly. spearfish Cougars, right? Something so off. Yeah. All right. So what's up? All right. So Melissa writes my mom and dad are both retired and graciously agreed to provide child care for our infant son. Prior to his birth weeks, we discussed expectations around pay and the amount of hours time and day and all that stuff that they would watch him. Not much else. Originally, my parents offered to provide child care for free. We insisted on paying them. They finally agreed to an amount far under market value. Fast forward to present in our sentence five months old. My husband works from home and has noticed that when my mom watches him, she puts in minimal effort and appears that she would rather be on her phone rather than interacting with our son. She's never done anything to put him in danger and we are not at all concerned about his safety. We realize that them helping us that they are helping us immensely, but am I the problem for expecting more from her? Do I have the right to expect more even though they are already doing so much? Oh boy. I've almost been 24 hours without the internet's getting mad at me, but here we go. A or number one, and please jump in here, Kelly, and protect me from myself. No, thanks. Number one, you have a right to expect quality care for your child. Number two, you do not have a right to expect quality care from somebody that you didn't explain what quality, you didn't give them a picture of what quality care looks like. Absent neglect and abuse, obviously. Number three, you've created an incredibly messy situation that the only way out is to go directly through the middle of this and I mean, you'll get to decide what is worth it, the discount, the discounted child care, having your mom just hover around what she scrolls her phone all day or you want to pay market value for a licensed place where or just a local mom. I've got a friend of mine and she keeps kids and she's amazing at it, but a local mom who's got a set of guidelines that there's no screens, we're attentive, we're this and this and this, or you sit down and have a hard conversation with your mom and say I want some direct connection here and the work from home element as a whole other layer to this where she may not want to get involved because actually dad's home and work from home is a is a weird situation for aging parents. Anyway, there's a lot there. What do you think, Kelly? And again, I may hate get hate on the internet now, but so be it. If you're home with your child at five in their five months old, you're probably on your phone or you're doing things around the house. You're not engaged with them. They're five months old. Let the hate begin bringing internet. There's only so much you're doing with a five month old, right? You know, I mean, it's there's not a lot of interaction at this point. Yes, you dad and play with them and and you know, making sure that they're getting tummy time and all the things that they're supposed to be doing, but it's not eight hours a day of you interacting because if you're staying home with your child, you're also doing a million things around the house and they're, you know, entertaining themselves or you're in the bouncy seat or whatever it is you're doing. So first time parents, God love them. You know, we were talking about that in here. I mean, they're probably still boiling over past fire that hits the ground, you know, and we've all been there. But babies, now it's different if it's a, to me, if it's a four-year-old or whatever and it's sitting in front of a screen eight hours a day and they're not doing any. Or if the five-month-old has a dirty diaper that's been dirty for two hours or sitting on her phone or not paying attention or the kids screaming because their hungry and mom's just scrolling away. But yeah, if baby's sleeping, which five months old, five month-olds do a lot of, and you haven't said, hey, you should do the laundry too and also wash the bottles and not, like that's just about communicating clearly. But if you have an expectation of care, you either have to be really clear about that expectation is or you get paid for it. Ta-da. There's a reason child care is very expensive. That's a whole other show. It is, but I mean, there's a reason that there's someone a professional dedicated to your child and, you know, the other children, and that you expect that level of care of someone that you're paying to do that in that particular setting. The meta here was we didn't, we had a picture of what child care looked like. We did not communicate that picture well. And now we have a problem. The only path through is communicating that picture well. And at this point, just expect that will cause relational challenges. Unless your aging parents are just superhuman. Expect that to be a challenge and they may walk or they may be like, oh, great, cool. Got it. Or you may be on the market getting different child care. Thanks for calling. Bye.