Caller: “I Still Can’t Leave My Abusive Wife”

You called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean I think your ultimate question was can you still save your marriage and you're in a pretty volatile, volatile marriage and really find yourself out on an island doing everything all by yourself. How's the last month been since we've talked? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni's show. So grateful at your with us. Talking about your marriages, your relationships, your kids, your mental and emotional health, the challenging things that you're facing in your life that we're all facing in our lives. So thanks for calling in for those who are brave and courageous who call in and thank you for those who pull up a seat or put on your headphones and listen alongside us as we figure out what's the next right step. If you want to be on the show and love to have you click the link in the show notes and all right. So this first call I want to give you some some context for our bring him on. I guess we should probably have a weekly segment Kelly or a monthly segment. It's called I was wrong or I completely missed this. And this is a particular call that has haunted me since I walked out of the studio. And so it was I think we recorded the original call about a month ago, a little bit over a month ago and wanted to bring Tyler from Los Angeles back on, checking with him, see how he's doing a month later and also apologize to your brother and kind of talk through some of the things that we talked about in our last call. So how are we doing, man? I'm okay. Yeah, dude, I'm running a scam call the podcast, man. So you called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean, I think your ultimate question was can you still save your marriage and you're in a pretty volatile, volatile marriage and really find yourself out on an island doing everything all by yourself with not really any prospect for change? It's been a hit or miss. We have a lot of good moments and some negative ones and we wrapped up a couple of therapy and that was kind of hard just because some of the things you said, but then I keep going back and forth. This is salvageable. Can we fix this? Can we make it? And then times where I'm like, this isn't going to work out and I'm just indecisive, I feel like. What are some things she said to you as you wrapped up marriage therapy that were hard to hear? So the counselor had asked her, she said, hey, what is it about him that makes it so you can't do these things because I'm getting the sense that he's a good guy to you. You haven't brought anything that's an issue, so why can't you do what he's asking for, which is to be more vulnerable, to be intimate, to have a partnership. And she just said that she can't do it. She just has a lot of anxiety and depression and she's afraid to fail. And so then the therapist said that, don't you think he deserves those things? And she said he does, but I can't be the woman that he deserves. And that was really hard to hear. And then we talked about it later on and she said that in the heat of the moment, she said it. And I just, I don't know how to take that because sometimes I get the heat of the moment kind of thing, but it's also just difficult to hear stuff like that. And a lot of her actions show that, but then other actions show differently, but they're not the actions I'm asking for and stuff like that. So since we talked last, um, there was one giant, just blinking red light that I missed. And it came up at the end of our call. And so we'll talk about that here in a second. And I want to first apologize to you and then kind of walk through what I always sit down with folks and recommend after something like that. Um, the second thing is I don't talk about this first is, um, man, when we were talking, something I disagree, I didn't even think about it in, in, in the moment of our conversation was this extraordinary book. And I want you to recommend that you read it. Okay. And it's by a good friend of mine, Henry Cloud, Dr. Henry Cloud, he's a legend in the field. He's, um, somebody I've looked up to for a long, long time, long before I had a podcast of any kind. Um, but the book is called Necessary Endings. Okay. And it really walks you through step by step. How to know when a workplace situation, when a boundary situation, when a romantic relationship, how do you know when it is over? And most importantly, what do you do next? And the reason I think it's a masterpiece is, it's very, very clear. Um, it's a book that I, like when I was teaching graduate courses, I would recommend to all of my students, um, cause it was, it's helpful on how do you know when to let an employee go or to keep trying with an employee. Um, but I think for you, it really applies here and, and all the still down a chunk of what the book says into a pretty simple, uh, heuristic, if you will. Um, and that is when there, there's a difference between a hope and a wish. Okay. And hope is, it, there's demonstrable evidence. In real life, there's a, a demonstrable, like, there's a plan in place. And there is movement towards something being different. Absent that. Then what we're doing is we're wishing. Gotcha. And so when you lose hope that tomorrow can and will be different, whether by your hand or whether by an, an marriage, your, your wife's plan or wife's hand or your, your husband's hand, if you lose the ability to objectively look and see, there's any sort of change happening here. And it's not scatter shot change, right? Like you talked about, it's not chaotic change. Some days, it's ups and needs is down. Um, in your situation, things I would look for is, is my wife actively seeking treatment for anxiety and depression? Sure. Is she seeking treatment for anxiety and depression in a way that not only talks about the thing she's experiencing, but she's actively putting in the work to experience the world in a, in a more healthy way. And I actually, like what she said in that session, as somebody who's tangled up with anxiety and depression and she's struggling like when she's at war with her own body, I can imagine that version of her saying, I can't be these things, but my hope would be, the next statement would be, but I'm going to do the work I need to do. It'd be like me saying, someone says, Hey, can you run this marathon? And I've got a broken leg. And I say, no, I can't in this state. I can't do this. But I'm going to go to physical therapy. I'm going to go to rehab. I'm going to get the surgeries that I need. And I'm going to put the work in. So two years from now, one year from now, we're running that marathon together. You see what I'm saying? And so, but I want to strongly recommend you read that book. And it's a book that's helped me professionally. It's helped me personally, but it is a very clear idea. But there is a profound difference. And I think for anybody listening to this, if you're wondering about a relationship, you're wondering about, you know, whether like finally say, I'm not doing holidays with you guys anymore, with extended family or dealing with an aging kid or an aging parent, ask yourself that question, is there any demonstrable evidence that tomorrow is going to be different than today? Or if I look at all the evidence in front of me, and sometimes it takes a friend or a counselor to sit there and look at the evidence with you, right? Because our emotions get so big. Is there any chance that this changes? And if it's not, if there's no chance, it changes, then we have to sit in that reality. And that reality is heartbreaking. It's full of grief. And from there, we begin to ask ourselves, okay, what's my next right move here? And so, I want you to check that out, okay? And it's 100% my fault for not thinking that, like, I wish I had thought of that last time we talked, it would have saved you a month of your life. And that's why you called and I missed that one. But here's the big thing I missed. While we were talking, and I mean, we were talking about all sorts of situations at your home where you've really been left out on an island emotionally, practically speaking from, you're running a one-man partnership right now, right? Yeah. And the thing I absolutely blew by that I let you down on was when you mentioned, is that towards the end of the call, I believe, that she's been violent with you multiple times throughout your marriage. Tell me about that. So it kind of started when we first got an apartment. It was not often, and that's not me minimizing it. It was a few times here and there, over the four years we lived in an apartment. And then once we moved into a house, it happened a couple more times in about two and a half years ago. We were arguing and she walked off and so I was trying to talk to her about what was going on and she got so overwhelmed because like I understand why she did it but she got so overwhelmed she's spitting my face and that was two and a half years ago. So I told her on that day I was like if you ever spit in my face, if you ever hit me again, I'm gonna walk away and so even a lot of the times when she took me like I'm sick too, I work out a lot like she can't physically hurt me. There was more of like the emotional side of it but she could do something like that and so for the most part I would say it's only happened less than 15 times but probably closer to 10 because I wouldn't say she's a violent person per se it's just she gets overwhelmed with her emotions and she like blacked out and does things and so I told her that and so then when I'd given her the wrong time for the party because I told her it was at 12 I thought that and I looked it up as at 12 30 and so when I told her about it she got upset and I was trying to set a boundary like hey if you're gonna be rude I'm not gonna go and she got upset about that and then you know I did agree with your little childish with the whole this is my car it's more of a culture thing of like this is my car even though it's our car but I didn't want her to take my car so that I still had a car and she had her own she came around sad on top of me and then she elbowed me and my son was in the back seat in the passenger side so he saw everything and it's not that she hurt me it's just again the emotional the respect kind of thing where it's like she could do that and the thing that I keep going back to is that she did this when like we're supposed to be trying to rebuild our marriage because I told her I was done a couple of months prior so I was having a hard time with it because I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to be you know hit or spit on and so here we are two months later and I'm still trying to figure out if this will work but now on top of that when my son was born I told myself he would never see that and then it happened um and then so that's been going on and then it kind of resurfaced again just like a week and a half ago you know I was kind of trying to let it go down let it die down and we got into a disagreement and she stormed off and I went to go say like hey can we reset can I try again because that was a little rude with how I asked her question and she like stormed out of the bedroom and she pushed me out of the way my son didn't see that but it was just kind of a reminder of like oh she did this two months ago and so I understand why she's doing it she's just on edge she's her anxieties at a all-time high because you know I asked her for divorce so I get that and it's just I made personal boundaries that I said I wasn't going to break and so here I am struggling to look myself in the eye and look at my son because I'm supposed to teach him how to be a man and follow through with what you say and so I don't know how to navigate that because I I tend to hear love my wife and I wanted it to work but her actions and what she says don't necessarily align not necessarily they don't at all but but let me say this out loud and again I'll apologize one more time I miss this I blew it okay um violence is never okay and if that if it had been reversed I would have come out of my chair appropriately so right if your wife had been calling me saying that hey my husband just elbowed me in the face in the car because I told him to get out right and and here's the thing like it doesn't make it right just because the gender roles were reversed here and in fact your you sound like you've trapped yourself in a gender stereotype which is I'm big and strong so this doesn't hurt a it does it's it does right like if if she shoves you maybe that doesn't hurt but um there is pain involved any if my daughter who's 10 elbowed me in the nose it's still hurts right and I I like to believe I'm a tough guy right but it still hurts but beyond that what I'm looking for from the outside in is an adult who is completely emotionally dysregulated and the unfortunate world I've grown up in or a professional world not the world I grew up in at home but my professional life has been sometimes there's a trend line to these things where it starts with a shove and then it starts with a punch on the arm and then it's an elbow to the face and then it ends up real real bad right because the next punch is with a knife the next the next altercation is with something that is not a something you just brush off and so whether you want what I want to ask you to do is a step outside of this BS masculine thing that you and I were both taught both of us were taught this thing right um and like back up all the way because if she'll hit you she'll hit your kid if she'll hit you um she'll hit other people if she's that emotionally dysregulated that she blacks out just when her husband says something in the wrong tone and then asks hey can I reset then she needs some serious um not emotional but she needs some mental health support that you don't have the training or the psychopharm ecology you don't have the experience to help her with but you do have a responsibility to keep yourself safe and to keep your son safe and so abuse is a physical abuse is never okay regardless of genders regardless of which direction it's going and I should have I should have stopped the presses on that when we last talked and so like like you have this sense of I'm letting myself down which is a common thing that again most of the time I talk to women who are being abused by men but there's this common sense that oh I get it it makes sense my fault or I understand let me say this there is no understanding to an adult hitting another adult especially in a romantic relationship ever okay if a if a man attacks your wife in a Walmart parking lot yes right game on but it's not okay it's never okay and I would hope that you hear me and say I don't want you walking around your house thinking you're crazy you're with an emotionally unregulated adult and okay how small she is compared to you in physical stature that's a scary thing to be around okay then when I try to bring it up she seeshecks down because it's hard for her to hear and here's the thing that at this point going back to like circling all the way back like to what Dr. Cloud says I don't see and this is a rare thing for me to say out loud on a show like this okay I don't see any hope before change because you're damned if you do and damned if you don't if you you're if you come up with a plan from moving forward then her response is that plans to overwhelming and it might get so overwhelming that I'm going to be violent in front of our child if you don't come up with a plan then you're left sitting there hoping for scraps of human decency and kindness and respect and loveability whenever you can get it the little sips of oxygen and that's what you've been living on relationally for the last several years right yeah yeah and so I think if if I'm you and I and you and I were sitting here I would paint us a picture where we're going to back all the way up and look at this like how can we get 30,000 feet up in the air and look down on this situation the same conversation we know how that ends so we're going to stop doing that yeah the threats we're going to stop doing that because we've we've tried that too yeah now the next step is I'm going to take responsibility for my safety for my son's safety and do whatever the next right step is and that might mean moving out for 30 days that might mean she's got to find a apartment until she can get well and by the way I've seen these relationships get restored but it takes a long time yeah it takes we're going to go on a date once every two weeks and you're going to let me know that you're in therapy and you're going to let me know not only that you're in therapy but what are practices that you're learning so that you can become a more emotionally mature emotionally regulated adult so that when things get big and by the way things will always get big in all of our lives our job as adults is to do the work we got to do based on our childhood traumas based on our adult traumas so that we can stay emotionally regulated. And especially around those that we love, right? So man, I missed it and I think I've cost you a month of your life. So I'm sorry. I appreciate you. I appreciate you coming back on and talking through with me. Anytime you want to come on, we'll get you through and get you on the show. I'm grateful for you, man. Look forward to hearing what joys and successes are in your store for you down the road. There's a light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just got to start walking, man. We come back. A man asks if he should take his wife's last name to spite. The stigma will be right back. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life and life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time and we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. 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They offer a hundred night sleep trial and all of their bedding and a 10-year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are going to be completely blown away and you're not going to return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozy earth dot com slash Deloni and use code Deloni for up to 20 percent off your entire order. That's cozy earth dot com slash Deloni, use code Deloni. And don't forget to take their post purchase survey and let cozy earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right. Let's go to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to Nate. What's up, Nate? Hey, Dr. Don, how's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you, man? I'm doing good. How's your day so far? Man, I am living like a glitch in the matrix, dude. I'm doing pretty dang good. How about you, man? I love it. I love it. Another day in paradise, as they say. In Jackson, Mississippi. I love it. Yeah, so my question for you is, how do I balance wanting one family name with the discomfort of changing my last name that's tied to my family and career? Tell me more. I feel like there's a story here. Yeah, it's a little bit tiny, tiny bit. Essentially, when when me, my wife, before we got married, she said that she wanted to keep her last name. And I completely respected that. I was totally respectful. I think it would be different if she told me afterwards, after we were married, but she brought it up before, which was absolutely great in her communications, but on point. Since we want kids in the future having one family name and that sense of unity is really, really important to me. So I've considered taking her last name instead, but what I'm struggling with is to stick my around to husband taking basically his wife's name, along with the fact that my last name is tied to my identity, my personality, my career, my professional life. So changing it would personally and professionally make me a little uncomfortable. I'm trying to figure out how to balance my identity and those feelings with my desire for our future family to share one name. You got it. Man, there's several different things popping in my mind here. Can I ask you a couple of real personal questions that you can just avoid if you don't want to answer them? Oh, good. Okay. But it will help me have a track here, okay, because there's actually some research on this. Okay. And by the way, it's uncomfortable research to say out loud because everyone will gasp and then I'll get a bunch of mean comments, but I don't care. So is there something wrong with your wrong? That sounds made me sound like an ass. Yeah. If my last name was but hammer and my wife was like, okay, I'd rather keep my name. And so is there something with your last name that she's like, I want to keep my name. Or is this like a feminist principle and I don't mean feminist in the negative like in some sort of not like that. But like is it a I like I want to double down on my family's heritage and this is a line in the sand. I'm drawing. I would feel I feel like it would have to lean more towards the first one. Oh, no kidding. I was kind of just throwing that out there because you're not seem not but hammer, is it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, even though it might be a cool last name for somebody. That would be incredible if someone's last name was but hammer. No, but for me, my last name kind of it, it's not the best sounding last name. Of course, it means block me because it's my last name. Oh, what does that mean? Is it like a like ethnically or culturally or it rhymes you and again, don't it would rhyme with with something that isn't appealing to most people, especially when they're talking about a last name. Okay, let me ask you this. And this is a guy whose name rhymes with a not great lunch meat was your childhood pretty rough. I got a lot of nicknames, I got a lot of nicknames and a lot of a lot of people rhyming it with things and also there's also characters and novels that are kind of that sound like my last name, so it's also, you know, it also has some, you know, there's that addition to it also, so it's not the most appealing last name, so that would give you a little bit more context. Yes, that in a million years, I didn't expect to go down this road, but this is awesome. Like so. So we're taking it. So when y'all sat down, the conversation that she's had with you is, I don't want to live the rest of my life with people making fun of my last name, rhyming it with things. I don't want our kids having that experience, so I'd rather keep my last name. Yeah, for the most part, also, you know, kind of like we were saying earlier, you know, her last name is very important to her, of course, and also with her heritage. So she really, really loves her last name, you know, it's got like, her name's got like a nice flow to it. My mind does not have the best flow to it. So she really, really enjoys. Do you know, here's what I love, right, right this second, everyone listening is dying to know, and I'm not going to ask you to tell them, but we're not going to tell them. I wish I would say, I'm glad that we're not, because I want people just to guess. Yeah. And maybe we'll end the show. Kelly and I will guess. We'll just make up names that we guess. That would be super fun. I love it. Okay. So I'm going to ask you a real hard question. Okay. Yep. Um, is there a part of you that would like to be done with the fun making and the jokes and like, there's a part of you that's like, dude, this would be an easy path for me. Yes. Okay. Absolutely. I would, I wouldn't be 100% honest with you if I, if I didn't say absolutely 100% yes. Okay. And then there's part of you, obviously, that's hung up on, this was my great-grandfather's names, my granddad's names, my dad's name, and who am I to exit out of our family name, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. That's a tough one, man. That's real tough. Because I totally get that. Yeah. Yeah. And I would be lying if I didn't say, oh, you know, I don't care what people say. Of course you don't need to eat it. Yeah, that's the thing it's like that would not be fair in honest to me to say so I can't say that But at the same time I'm like if I want if I want to take her lessons, you know, I'll definitely I'll do whatever I want But then it's it's gonna It's gonna make me think and it's gonna make make me think of what others are thinking So it's a kind of it's a it's a wild one. I've tried to do research on myself and there's not much out there So I would love I would love your take on it. Well, there there is from a More from from absent the situation. I don't know of any research on this particular situation. Yeah. I know of literature Um actually somebody sent me a study just a month or two ago about um There is long-term relationship prospects when somebody demands when somebody won't take each other's name Mm-hmm. Okay, and it's gender specific, right? So when a When in a heterosexual couple when a man is marrying a woman and she won't take his last name There is like if you I can't say it's causal one doesn't cause the other but yeah, there is a sense out of the gate There's a sense out of the gate We're not coming together on a thing. I'm not me and you're you Gotcha, right? And so that does exist. I don't know any Research that talks about what you're experiencing right now Other than here's what I would here's the thoughts come into my mind. Okay. Okay. Number one You've lived a life of Carrying a name that you were given And because of how it rhymes with other things And because people in fiction stories named characters somewhat similar to it, I guess Like yeah, you've you've carried and I hate to say this you've carried the blessing of that last name and you've carried the burden of that last name By no choice of your own Yeah correct. So if you choose to discard that name and take your wife's name moving forward Then you get to take whatever comes your way Via a decision you made you get to take ownership of this Okay, which is a new principle for you Yep, right and I only have my wife's experience to flip flop it right but she was um Like just watching her go through the Like she was a writer like a like a academic writer and so her publications that ones that had her maiden name on it Versus my like when she took my last name on it Um driver's license like it's a pain in the butt man professionally It's a huge pain I get licenses and certifications and yeah and I'll say it's a huge pain in the butt and it's some emails And probably a you know a driver's license it's it's a it's logistics Yeah, so it's a pain in the butt not like Um, I got to go get tattoo removed, but it's a pain in the butt right yeah, yeah, yeah Um, you'll have to send a bunch of paperwork and you have to get on the phone and call people and you have to like I thought your name was you changed your name like you'd have to deal with all that right Absolutely. Yep, and if you're a big deal at work, it will be like oh, so you don't want to be whatever I'm so like yes And that's exactly what my my brain goes to that's exactly what it it goes to And so my my next thought is is there a way to have your cake and eat it too, which is um I'm thinking of somebody right now that I've walked alongside who got divorced, but has a very established professional career And she did not change her What I would say her professional name Got you, but her but her driver's license is different um her Um, in fact, well actually she may have kept her driver's license actually okay, um, that's that's still the same Um, yep, but So there's ways to go about shifting and changing that kind of stuff Yeah, and I and we were also talking about you know possibly hyphenating, but I have a long last name and she also has a long last name. So it just oh dude, please like filling out forms No, listen, they will just for me do it just for me It would be like 30 characters is like okay, this is this I can't wait can't be doing this Like no, dude if you know listen man, this is so awesome if you go to like the The passport office and you're like hi, my name is Nate Nate Shammelam and Ding Dong hyphen who let the dogs out that would be so great Just for a random guy like me standing behind you in line. You'll make my day That's awesome. Absolutely Lunch meat that guy he's yeah, right now. I mean absolutely. I don't know here's the thing. I don't know that there is a Comfortable way through this Yes Actually, I wanted to get your thoughts on on something so I thought about it. It's it's been in my head my my wife and me have been married for almost two years now Oh, so you already did it. So you know oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So did you take her name? No, no, no, I haven't done anything yet. So it's still we're still like name-wise. We're still individuals Of course we signed a you know marriage certificate and and all that good stuff But we've been married from us two years. We just haven't had Kids yet. So in the future we're looking to have kids. We want that family unity We know we we strive for that and we think it's very important One idea that I did think of That I told my wife and she's actually pretty open to is is for her middle name and for my middle name We would use my last name and then for our last name we would take her last name the big thing here is this is That when I don't want to have happened and if y'all have avoided this this is me taking the call dark for a second Okay, if y'all have avoided this But I don't want to have happened is that at some point somebody draws an either or line Hmm right I see yeah like she finds out her pregnant and and you sit down with your dad and say dad this name has haunted me Been made fun of I got beat up for it I've whatever and I recognize your name But this is an opportunity that I can change this for my son. I'm going to And your father sits down and gives you a history lesson on this name and here's the like The legacy of this name and you come away from that and I'm making something totally up right now, right? Yeah But you come away from that conversation and you're like I am so proud to wear that name Yeah, right. Yeah, and I'm proud to forget the what it rhymes with I'm proud to be one of them Yeah, and then your wife says, well, you can go to hell cuz my my kid's not gonna be named that Yeah, now y'all've got a real big issue that all of y'all kind of just danced around because you could right yes Absolutely and so do you believe in your guts? And I'm I'm doing something that I would never recommend somebody do but okay if you just if you said I'm holding the line If we're to have a child it will have my like he or she will have my last name Would your wife say I'm out then No, no, absolutely not. No. Oh, yeah, we are very communication wise. We are always Mostly we're on the same page and of course we have disagreements who doesn't But most of the time a man we have a we have a great marriage and I'm blessed. I'm totally blessed our communications on point And we make compromises because we feel each other and we compromise smartly and and and we compromise To the best of our abilities and and usually we're always on the same page so that that's something my heart I would know that she she would not she would not do. I'm gonna say it this way because it sounds like you are doing it perfectly Which is I love marital compromise towards something not away from something I don't like compromise in avoidance of a love compromise towards We want what's best for us which sometimes means I'm not gonna get the dinner I want but you know when I get I get a wife Who's super gonna feel great tonight and a wife who's gonna have ton of joy I win more than any stupid meal right or compromise on the TV show and watch something really scary and crazy And she wants to watch a hallmark movie. We're gonna compromise something more towards the hallmark movie right or you know What let's just don't watch TV but like you're we're compromising towards a thing that furthers our relationship Not that one of us gets buried in one of us wins, right? Absolutely yep So I don't have to not thank you for letting me talk in circles. I don't have a great answer for you Other than I want you if you choose to not take your last name. I think Again take my opinion for what it is and let me just say I'm a For generation Texan and I'm Tennessee in which is If you read history as Texas granddad if I'm gonna make something that's that big of a move I I feel like I would owe it to sit down my father and have that hard conversation that way Okay, it wouldn't be something that I would feel right about just kind of trying to skirt under the table And if my grandfather was still alive, I'd probably feel that however brutal that conversation would be, I'd feel like I need to sit down and look him in the eye and say I'm about to make a grown-ass man decision and I'm not doing it as a sign of disrespect to you. I'm doing it as making a personal choice for something different. Yeah, I see what you're saying, you know, unfortunately, I don't have any grandparents that are still alive and I'm fortunate about five years ago, my father passed away. I'm so sorry. So my last name, that's where it gets jumbled up, you know, that's where it gets, adds more to, you know, layers to it. Yeah. I guess at the end of the day, when you started this call, the way you framed it was, my wife really wants to keep her last name, I would love for you to wrap your head around ownership of what happens with your name. Okay. And so I'm not going to sacrifice it in the name of peace, just so somebody didn't get their feelings or whatever. I carried this thing, my dad got made fun of, my mom and sister's got made fun of, I got made fun of, I'm going to end this with my son. Yeah. And rightly or wrongly, whatever, but I'm going to make this choice and thank goodness I've got an awesome wife and her last name is rad and we're going to take that one and run with it. Thank you so much for the call, brother. Appreciate you. And man, you and your wife, y'all keep working together, compromising towards making the best marriage possible. It's awesome. And best of luck to you, dude, with whatever you do. This show is sponsored by Better Health. A know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health Therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health Therapist to help you carry the load. Go to BetterHealth.com/Delony for 10% off. That's BetterHealth, H-E-L-P.com/Delony. All right, let's go to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn, what's going on? Hey, John. How is it going? I'm doing. I'm ridiculous. Having a great time. How are you? I'm good. I'm just going to start talking to you over the phone lines, but I'm really excited. Oh, if we were hanging out in person, you would not be star struck. I'm pretty lame. So I'm going to have to. I do appreciate you calling. What's up? Yeah. So, my question was, should I be upset about my husband's porn news after recently finding nude photos of women on his phone? I was kind of curious if this is like a normal behavior or if this is, I don't know if I should relax. I don't know. I don't know if it's normal. So my big question for you is this, what is it about your innate gut feeling that something disgusts you or makes you uncomfortable is your immediate first response is, I'm probably just overreacting. Yeah. I feel like he doesn't tell me everything in life. You think? I know. I mean, in this aspect, yes. But if you have a story that you're telling yourself that you can't handle if he told you everything or you're not worth him telling you everything or everybody's got secrets and I'll just need to keep my mouth shut. If that's the story that you repeat in your mind over and over. I think that is. I think I'd rather not know than know. Okay. What is it about knowing? What is it about knowing that? Because you're going to have to deal with that reality? Yeah. Definitely. So, let me tell you this, your body is dealing with that reality on a daily basis. Yeah. Your body's anxious. Your stomach always hurts. Your back's always tense. You're dealing with it. You have headaches. Yes, exactly. And the challenge, your body's trying to get your attention and you keep blaming yourself for it. Yeah. And so, let me say, let me say this as boldly as I can. You are allowed to be upset about whatever in the world you want to be upset about. And let me ask you this, I want to delineate rightly or wrongly. There's a difference for me of running to grabs up on your husband's laptop and he didn't clear his search history and you stumble on a pornography site that he was on and then hat him having pictures of women on his phone, especially if they're women that he knows or women from Facebook marketplace or, you know, you get what I'm saying. Yeah. So, tell me about that. So we have, you know, like a fire stick TV and your daily memories can play on the screen, like your screen saver. You know, as pictures of our family and vacations and also and there was a nude woman on our screen. Oh, good God. Yeah. It was actually our bedroom. We're getting ready to go out and I looked at it and I was like, should I say anything? Yeah. Yes. I was just like, I was stunned, like, I was like, why? And he did not. He's like, that's not my picture. I'm like, all the other pictures. For your picture. What? What are nine year olds? Not mine, dude. Not mine. Yeah. He's like, it had to come off someone else's phone. I'm like, like, no, how is all those other pictures? Our memories. And then this comes up and it's not yours. So I was like, okay, so it's not like I'm parsing here because there's two different tracks that we need to walk down, depending on how you answer this. Was it a pornographic image or what I mean by that was like, was it from a website or is it somebody that he knows? Well, I didn't recognize her, but it was like a selfie in the mirror, like, completely nude. Yeah. Like to where it's almost like that got sent to him. Yeah. So I think you've got a bigger problem on your hands. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And your response just then tells me that it doesn't surprise you. Yeah. I've always had questions, but I try to. I know you try to shove it down and pretend it's not happening. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. For whatever it's worth, I think you're worth more than that. Thank you. I also know that calling it out for what it is and going through credit card receipts and going through histories and going through eye clouds might- Well, that's where, like, I don't have access to anything. We don't like share anything. Yeah. That's where I'm like, there's got to be more than. Yeah, I hate this for you. Mm-hmm. I just don't want to believe it, but. I know. Look at it. I know. Yeah, I know. And then through his lie, he looked at you and said, I think she's so stupid, I'm going to say this. I know. Now, I asked him, like, just tell me the truth and, like, just be honest, like, I can get over just tell me. And he's like, he was more mad at me for seeing it than I was at him for finding it. That's not funny, Len. I'm heartbroken for you. It's my nervous life. No, I know. I do too. I laugh at the worst possible moments. I get it. Yeah, I'll do it. If your husband was looking at anonymous people on the internet in pornography, yes, you're perfectly right to be disgusted by that and be grusted out, feel less than, have all the feelings in the world you want. Yeah. You're also, I'll tell you this, you're grown up. You can also be like, I'm bothering me at all. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, but if I should be that way, I think the, what you have settled for and that you call a marriage that you've settled for, where we're so disconnected and I get it, can I ask you a scary question? Are you safe? Yes. He's a, he's a safe man. He is safe, yes. [BLANK_AUDIO] Because I often hear this level of distant language from somebody who is unsafe. So I'll say this, if you're not safe, I'm going to implore you to get safe. Okay. And I know that will come at an extreme cost. Yeah. But you're worth being safe. Okay. Yeah. And you've buried yourself in sheds and haftos and need-tos. And for whatever it's worth, I think you, I think everybody is worth, but I'm talking to you. You're worth sitting out with a yellow pad and saying, "Here's what I want." Okay. I want a husband that's not receiving, sending new photos to other women he works with or women around the corner. Mm-hmm. I don't want to know whether I have an STI every time, every night. Right. I don't want. Do you have kids? We are blended family. We have six kids. Okay. Yeah. So they're absorbing in real time. Oh, this is how couples who call themselves married. This is how they live. One person does whatever the bloody hell he wants to do. And the other person just goes along with it. Yeah. Let's be clear. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I wish I were to sit down and put it all on the table. I think you, I think you have to be clear about what you want. Yeah. And I feel like I have said things, you know, about like all the other stuff he doesn't tell me. But I guess it's. Here's the honest to God truth. And I've said this to more than a few men and women in my life. The divorce attorney gets access to everything. Yeah. Every text message you've ever sent, every email, every iCloud photo, even the ones you think you delete, they go get 'em. Every bank record, every credit card state. I went through a bad divorce before and I know that. Okay. So this illusion of no one's going to find out. Yeah. You want to take it far enough, someone's going to find out. And they're going to read it publicly. Yeah. I have somebody that I know that I won't talk about that. I've seen and especially heard of some wild depositions and divorce hearings. And so if you want to. The old saying is like, "You want dance? We'll dance, brother." Because you got nothing to hide, then dude, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I get it. But I'm assuming you don't share a check-in account with him? We have one account together, but he also has like five other accounts. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah. And I'm assuming you don't have his code, his passcode, his phone? Nope. And I never want to look at it. Like I just. I never want to know it. It just happened to come onto me one day. I kind of. Yeah, I just. I guess I've always just lived like, "I don't know. I'll just live my happy life behind pretending like nothing's wrong." I don't know why. Here's the deal. You're a grown-up and you get to do whatever you want to do. Yeah. I'm just telling you, I would not wish that on my worst enemy. Because that's a very lonely, lonely life. Yeah. Fair. Yeah, he's fair, definitely. Sorry, I wish I could have more positive ending on this thing. That's okay. I appreciate you talking to me about it. Sometimes it's just nice to hear. Yeah, you're not crazy. Follow me. Yeah. I think having. Here's what I want. And most importantly. Well, not most importantly, equally important. Here's what I want. Here's what must be true. And then this is important. Here's my or what statement. Or me and my biological kids leave. And if you don't want to do that that's never going to be on the table, then okay. Then everything that you want, as you've stated it before, whether directly or sort of kind of hinted at it or whatever, he's been like, "Now, care." Not doing that. Yeah. Let me ask you a heartbreaking question. If you said I'm leaving, would he fight for you? No. I don't think he would. I think I need, like, well, what I feel, I need him more than he needs me. Is that a story you're making up or is he pretty clear about that arrangement? I mean, he provides for me. I feel like I would have nothing without him. If I left, I would have to start from scratch. I think he would be fine without me. And yeah, I don't know that he would fight. Because he'll let me, like, go crying in the other room without ever talking to me. Oh. Yeah, it's like deciding, like, stay in this life. Like, because we have a good life. How do you do it? Well, material life. Maybe not an emotional life. Good girl, buddy. Do you what you're saying? I know. I know. It's horrible. I know. I always, like, imagine if it was switched, I probably would leave. If I was the one with everything, you know, like, I wouldn't. Well, yeah. I mean, that's the evil deal with the devil that I hear often from, especially from stay-at-home moms. Yeah. Is like, cool to Lonnie. Yeah. Sure. I'm going to go. And then what? Then what do I go? Yeah. I've been out of the workforce for 10 years. I've got three kids. We've nowhere to live. I've got no family. So it sounds like. So there's definitely, without question or cost. Yes. No question. No question. No. He's basically my boss too. So I guess I would have to leave everything. So let me rephrase that for you, okay? Okay. You have nothing. That's how I feel. It's true. But without him, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You have nothing. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. And that's scary. Yeah. If you were a friend of mine, it'd be very scared for you. No. It makes me scared even more. Well, it's just you're so exposed. Your kids are so exposed. Yeah. Because now it's not. Now it gets to a place of desperation. I can't ask. I can't. I can't say what I want. My voice can't be heard. Because I'm in such a fragile situation. Emotionally, relationally, spiritually, psychologically, financially. Mm-hmm. Right. Right. That's why I just accept it every day. So I'll tell you, man, you can do what you want to do. Well, yeah. And I'll sit here with you regardless of the decisions you make. Well, thank you. But I'll tell you, I think you're worth more than this. I appreciate that. Like a whole lot more. Mm-hmm. Thank you. So no, you're not wrong for feeling hurt. Okay. Okay. All right. You're not wrong for feeling hurt. You're not crazy. Okay. Thanks. All right. All right. Thanks for the call, sister. Be right back. What's up, Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away? Just the two of you, no kids, no work, no distractions. Just time to reconnect. Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the money and marriage getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn, and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com/events or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right. We're back. Hey, I want to take this time to tell you if you will click the link in the show notes. I will send you a PDF. It's simple, it's direct, and it is the play-by-play for you and your spouse, even you and your romantic partner. If you're dating somebody, seriously, away to sit at the table and plan the upcoming week. Talks about calendar stuff, money stuff, intimacy stuff, like putting things on the calendar. But it's just the, it's a version of what me and my wife have done for years. which is to sit down and say what's coming at us this week and who are we going to be in the face of all of this stuff? And it can feel overwhelming and it can also feel kind of like I should know how to do this This should be so easy, but then life comes at us a thousand miles an hour and it gets sideways real fast So click the link in the show notes. I'll send it to you a free of charge There's nothing just want to begin to get some of these tools out that people asking about all the time and the weekly run-down Tools when I get all the time so check it out love you guys and I'll see you next time around [Music]