Caller: I’m Tired of Begging for Sex

all right the marriage kit is here this is me sitting with you and your spouse walking with you for a year in your marriage there are only a limited number of these available they will sell out get yours now at jondaloni.com why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me and why do i feel guilty when i try to initiate been married about four months and uh sex in the beginning i mean it was it was going good you know and then out of nowhere it just felt like she didn't want to have sex no more what up what up what up this is john with the dr jondaloni show so grateful you're here talking about all of it your life your mental and emotional health your relationships your marriage your kids your sex life your dating life whatever you got going on pull up a seat and we're going to figure out the next right move for more than two decades i've been sitting with people behind closed doors figuring out what to do after the wheels have fallen off in their life when they've got big decisions to make and coming up with frameworks and paths for folks to take the next right step in their life whether it's a really hard conversation whether it's an easy conversation whether it's a big thing that needs to happen or just a bunch of little things done over and over again i'm glad you're here pulling up a chair figuring out what's the next right move all right let's go out to tuscaloosa alabama and talk to ronnie hey ronnie what's up brother hey how you doing dr john i'm doing all right man how are you i'm doing all right excellent you stand out trouble try my best excellent excellent well what's going on brother how can i help yes sir so my question today is um why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me and why do i feel like i'm going to have sex with me and why do i feel guilty when i try to initiate great question tell me more yeah yeah so i guess i can give you a little bit of history me and my wife been married about four months and uh four months and four months yes it's very very new very new and sex in the beginning i mean it was it was going good you know and then out of nowhere it just felt like she didn't want to have sex with you know and it felt like she just kind of backed away from me you know what i mean and every time i tried to initiate or you know try to i guess make a move it'd be like well it would always be an excuse you know what i mean it'd always be like i'm tired or you know i'm this i'm that and i'm and i'm totally understanding that you know and i try to talk to her about it and when i talk to her about it she turns around turns the problem around on me like why are you upset you know why are you why are you mad at me and i feel like i feel guilty i feel like i'm not really upset i'm just like you know the mood's over with you know what i mean it's like i'm not really in the mood no more so i just i back away as well you know what i mean so i just i feel like you know how can i i don't know how can i open up more with my wife about that how can i not feel so guilty when i initiate so i want to first say this okay yeah there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to sleep with your wife thank you there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to sleep with your wife all the time okay so i don't want you to enter into this conversation as though something's wrong with with you having a a giant desire to be with your wife all the time you're four months in right that doesn't make that doesn't make you broke in fact i i think that's great i think that's awesome um i'll walk you through several questions and especially given how compressed the time i mean were y'all sexually active before you got married is there a long history here yeah actually there there is um so me and my wife were we're both virgins you know um when we first met and there was uh we did have sex before okay before marriage because uh so y'all are each other first correct okay all right and and all of a sudden you're like oh my god i don't know what's and on my end i have a a pretty big uh medical history you know what i mean uh from when i was born i don't know what you i don't know what you mean tell me about it absolutely so yeah i was i was born with something called uh bladder ecstasy and chronic kidney disease stage four and um that has i knew it would affect my sex life in the future but i didn't really you know it wasn't really a big deal to me you know what i mean i was like well you know i don't know what to do i thought i thought i was gonna you know not ever have sex did you have corrective surgery like on your your urethra in the pathway yes okay yes i did how old were you when that happened oh man i was i was uh maybe a year old yeah okay i've had all this before all that but you grew up with an understanding good god what a terrible what a terrible outcome like hey you are probably never going to be able to have sex and that is that because you they they thought because you were because of the corrective surgeries it would impact your ability to have erections to have erections to have kids and yeah yes okay wow what a nightmare and so then you meet somebody and you figure out oh not the case you're right my first question would be is she enjoying the sex she's having that that's the thing like she she tells me she does okay but then a part of me feels like she doesn't you know what i mean like like when we're when we're having sex i can just feel her not emotionally not being present with you yeah so yeah the next question i would ask is does she is she in a position whether from her own background her own stories that she's telling yourself or from you or from a combination of both and by the way all of this is super common so i don't want you to feel like you're weird or an outcast or something okay um yeah she feels like she has to have some sort of performance she has to make sure you're okay for this sexual encounter to be okay or you get done having sex and you immediately launch into did you like that what did you not like what and it becomes a basically a scorecard and that emotional exhaustion of i can't just be with my partner because i have feel like whether internally or he's expressed this i have to look a certain way act a certain way moan a certain way move a certain way i have to orgasm or he gets upset or he feels like he failed like you get what i'm saying is there emotional pressure around the actual act itself yes absolutely yeah i mean you're you're spot on with that because i mean with i'm trying to see how i can best explain this i mean after we're done having sex i feel i feel like i could have done a better job you know what i mean and i asked her i was like you know what was it good you know what i mean she was like yeah you know i wouldn't change anything but then the way she says it it's like yeah but you know but then i bring i bring up the problem you know i bring that up and she's always like well you know you always want me to change something about myself you always want to you know i can't be perfect and i'm like i'm not asking you i'm just wanting to have a conversation you know i want to talk about it you know because of of my history what what what is i want to be sensitive here but what about your history is impacting like you you figured out in whatever whatever ways you figured it out you can be sexually active you can sleep with your wife it's awesome what what way what what about that history is then you turning sex into a basically into like a work assignment i mean when i maybe it's i think for me i mean when i when i have sex i feel i don't know maybe i feel you know like i feel no that that that of course like totally you know i mean there's there's literally nowhere to hide right like you're you're both fully seeing and knowing each other right then right yes but but if part of knowing is i've got to prop up his ego i've got to do something that doesn't feel good or i've got to contort myself or i've got to keep my stomach sucked in all the time because he's always mentioning that i'm starting to gain some weight like if if if that's part of the equation there's no possible way somebody can relax into and enjoy this awesome thing called sex all right you know what i'm saying i do it becomes so full of pressure and the act itself becomes so so laden with pressure and performance that it's just easier just to not do it or it starts competing with things like fatigue and it's like dude if i got to choose sleep or sex i'm going to choose sleep every time right yes so so the path forward i would recommend for you is that you start with a series of i want to apologize for a few things even and i'm not even going to say you did something wrong in that you intentionally did something wrong but i think the dynamic you may have played a part in it's not a hundred percent you it never is but i or it's rarely is i want you to just go first and own I recognize I'm always like pestering you with did you like like i'm turning this into a work performance like every quarter we do a review of my show we get all the team in a room look at all the analytics all the data what's working what's not if that becomes every time you'll have sex like i don't like those those quarterly reviews nobody does they're just pretty sterile right um and well you should have done this better and y'all can do this and we'll try this man so it's getting to that like hey i realize i've done this i realize i may not have been as emotionally invested in this house how do we want this house to feel together right and then asking some deeper questions about what do you like what do you not like where do you feel pressure um to make me feel good like what is it about certain things and give her permission to be honest because my guess is she's got some thoughts and she's got some feelings and you can feel that she's not being honest with you you 're either she's a dishonest person which i hope not or she's she's at least told herself the story whether true or not i can't tell him fully i don't like this at all or i can't tell him fully that i really am uncomfortable when or i can't tell him that i think it's 90 95 percent of men orgasm through intercourse and like 20 percent 15 to 20 percent of women orgasm through intercourse um and so it's just it's i like it i like being with him but it's not doing it for me and sex is just about him getting off and so being able to ask some of those deeper questions about what do you like what do you not like and you learning to trust her over time and her learning to trust you over time so that y'all can both be honest at that deeper level you know what i'm saying i do yeah and then she she's told me before you know about her and i'm like oh my god i'm not you know she one thing that she told me that really really stoked me was she said that you know she could go the rest of her life without having sex right with me you know and that that kind of man that hurt well and and here's the deal it's you get to choose whether to take that personally that that's an indictment of you versus an indictment of the sex she's having or an indictment of things that happened to her when she was a little girl or indictment of i've so many other things i have to be responsible for in this house already four months in that i don't have the space for it i'd rather just go to sleep right and so beginning to ask bigger questions than just it sounds like a shot at you right if you could just do this better than she'd want it more right right and do you know what i'm saying yeah i do you know and i and i and i think about that too like you know man if i you know if i could do this better if i if i was just i was just born a little a little more normal maybe she would you know like it more maybe she would want it as as much as i did you know and how much of that is your baggage are you bringing to this man a lot okay i mean you know it's it's weighs pretty heavy and it does is is there any truth to it there is yeah i mean from you know from my perspective yeah what what is it about your your childhood and your surgeries and your medical conditions as a young man that is making you question your performance now not performance i don't even like that word like your ability to be sexually intimate with your wife i mean maybe this this actually goes pretty pretty deep i mean um that's cute you know i didn't you know being born with all this you also grew up you know not in a very uh emotional household you know with my parents and especially my father i mean my dad he uh he always used that against me you know he would always bring up you know hey you know you're never going to be you know you'd be a little more vulgar maybe like you'll never be good enough in bed you'll never be with a woman you'll never you know have sex you know you know and kind of and use that against me you know an argument let me say this let me just say this directly your dad sucks yeah he does that's a horrific thing for a father to say to his son and as the dad of a son it pisses me off yeah okay so i'm telling you as the father of a son also as a husband to husband that's a that's a bag of cinder blocks and dog crap that he handed you and i'm asking you to set it down okay and you can't just do that over you can't just be like all right set it down it's going to be a process when you feel those stories coming up you're going to have to um you're going to have to choose other thoughts to replace them it's hard it's so hard and you're dealing with normal four-month-old women mismatch in libido and what do you like what do you not like like y'all both are each other's first so there's always the questions of well what would have been like with somebody like all that's normal but you've got hellacious stories that your crappy old man gave you that it it feels like a puzzle piece right it feels like it's it's finishing a puzzle of oh i do suck i am going to always be deficient yeah right instead of normal trying to figure out what do you like what do you not like what how do i become emotionally vulnerable to somebody i've never been able to do that before um how do i not put every single bit of pressure relationally on our in our marriage on the act of sex and getting off and making her carry that entire weight alone right you get i'm saying like all of that is two people figuring out how to do life together but this other stuff is nonsense i hate that he did that to you but here's the thing she can't solve that for you no amount of screaming of her having orgasms of her um moaning like some bad porn like none of that will heal the things that your dad gave you that's your work that you've got to do okay yeah that was some evil crap that he laid it at your feet and it was all it was all i mean all my teenage year all my life he did that it's just even it's just you know it pisses me off at a level that it's it's hard for me to convey here without getting canceled okay yeah that was wrong and i'm sorry that he did that you know and i'm sorry that your mom didn't step in and shield you from that nonsense because that's what your other parent is supposed to do when you have an out-of-control parent exactly yeah okay and so here's the deal you're faced with a choice do you want to continue that do you want to take in the same way that he put his concerns and his frustrations and his whatever and laid it at your feet and said you carry this you can do that to your wife or are you going to say i'm going to go do the work because i'm responsible i've got to be in service to myself so that i can spend the rest of my life in service to my wife and this is about you going to see a counselor this is about you getting with a group of men this is about you having those thoughts of inadequacy and then if you trust your wife saying all right this i feel this way but this is not true and i'm going to continue to lean in towards my wife this one woman that i pledged my life to and we're going to co-build something together all right so it's messy you're four months in i want you to come up with a few things that you know based on what i've talked to you about where you know man i've i've changed the temperature of the house she feels like she's man she has to perform to a certain standard and so she's just saying you know what i'm not going to get on the balance beam i don't want to do gymnastics anymore and reframing the entire conversation one where y'all are together and one of y'all has to go first and so you called me brother and so i'm calling on you to go first and hang on the line i'm gonna hook you up with three months with better help i i want you to start talking to somebody soon because the crap if your dad was saying that he was also saying some other evil stuff some bad stuff and i'm going to hook you up with three months with better help bad stuff no parent should lay that at their kids like in the middle of their kid's chest that's just it's just wrong it's wrong at every level and i'm sorry that happened brother thanks for the call man when we come back a man asks how he can best support his wife and help her feel loved when she struggles with body image issues we'll be right back it's holiday shopping season aka a spammer and scammers favorite time of the year look every time you sign up for a promo code or drop your for 10 off some waffle maker shaped like santa claus you're not just handing your information to that store data brokers are grabbing up your email your phone number your address and they're selling it to any shady character out there this is why your phone blows up with fake spam calls and fake you've got package texts all the time during the holiday seasons a good deal should not cost you your privacy this is why i use delete me they find your personal information on all these data broker sites and they're not going to be able to find you 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johndeloney.com for more information all right let's go out to alan in colorado springs hey alan what's up brother hey um so my question is how could i best uh support my wife when she struggled with body image issues sometimes um and uh just let her know that she's truly beautiful if that makes sense in total sense man so tell me what's going on um i mean so it happens just you know a couple times a week um and it's usually comments like oh i'm ugly i'm not beautiful i got a case of the uglies and stuff like that and i feel like it really um it really puts her down if that makes sense like she has very high expectations for herself and anything she does in life if that makes sense uh so this is just one one light on the dashboard that is always beeping at you which is this is a woman who thinks pretty low of herself in general yeah um i think i think she realizes that she's like successful you know she has a pretty good job and stuff like that but um yeah i just want to know what's i guess my question is what's the best way i could help support her so i have to be a good husband to her in that way it's a great question um so i'm going to talk through a couple of things and here's where you can find yourself in a weird quandary okay um if there's no other places where you can find yourself in a weird where you celebrate her meaning are there small actions that you take every day where she feels like this guy wants me this guy likes me this guy's on my team um and again i'm gonna make up stuff about your home okay she can't stand little clumps of dog hair and so twice a week you're up 10 minutes early you set your alarm 10 minutes early and you just go sweep up the kitchen or she can't sleep at night unless there's the dishes are all out of the sink and you're just grabbing them out that that sounds on its face like it has nothing to do with body image issues but it has to do with you establishing trust that she knows this guy sees me and he knows me and he's celebrating me not with his words but in these little things okay so that's one thing right so that's for you to back up and say do i just with lip service say i love you and you're beautiful is do you only say that when you want to hook up you only say that when she has to when she makes a negative comment and you refute it or does she live in a world where she knows that dude freaking celebrates me because he likes me um i feel like it she lives in a world where i celebrate her um i usually cook dinner for us okay um and we usually do chores together you know what i'm saying we usually clean the house together on the weekend um and so i i don't know i don't know i try to do my best to make sure the things that bother her are done you know what i'm saying are those things that she's told you are those things that like that's the way you would like to be celebrated and so you do those things it's it's a mix of both okay you know like i know uh you know i know she likes the carpet vacuum do you know what i'm saying so if i see the carpets dirty i'll vacuum okay that makes sense yes i know in my own marriage the things i the standards with which i think man that needs to be cleaned up and my wife's are very very different right but all i have to say is regularly asking the question how can i love you yeah right and not letting it be i would love it if she did this for me so i'm gonna go do those things because what you end up doing is loving yourself really well and you can end up doing a whole bunch that you think is for your partner but y'all end up further apart okay that's so that's that's thing number one that's environment that's context okay um the second part and this is where it gets really tricky if you're constantly telling her that she's beautiful and that you love her like you love the way she looks and she has some sort of pathology meaning she's got some sort of body dysmorphia in some shape form or fashion where she doesn't see it at all and not only does she not see it she thinks you're not being honest in a weird way like it's a strange recursive way but you constantly telling her how pretty she is makes her trust you less right okay because she doesn't see it now if she thinks she's beautiful and she's just trying to like go fishing for compliments or she she wants you to say it more regularly or whatever that's a different story but if she's somebody who has like always wanted to get a dollar amount um as an annual salary and she got it and she still doesn't like who she sees in the mirror if she's always been chasing a certain pant size and she gets she's gotten it a couple of times and she realizes oh that wasn't the thing either right then the best gift you can give her is to sit down with her and say hey listen you are seeing a different reality than i'm seeing because i see an amazing wife i see an accomplished professional i see a great partner i see a stunning beautiful woman and you have a different reality than me i'm going to ask that you and i or us both go talk with somebody okay because you are and i are experiencing the world differently because when i look at you i see somebody that i love i'm in love with that i think is beautiful who i think is the best person in the world and quite frankly i've been pretty open on this show i've started with body struggle with body dysmorphia my whole life and some of the most important things for me over the years the the almost quarter century i've been with my wife is when she said i'm going to ask you to stop talking about my husband like that right right which is different than oh i think you look good if i don't think i look good then i think she's just trying to placate me right right and so when she says what you're saying is not true i think you need to go talk to somebody because i trust her in all these other areas i think okay maybe she's on to something right right right and so it's getting to the thing beneath the thing the proxy here is like the little skirmish is i look i've got a case of the uglies today no you don't yes i do no you don't i think you're beautiful you always say that right that back and forth thing the thing beneath that thing is i'm married to a woman that i think is extraordinary across the board and i'm concerned that she doesn't see that same reality she doesn't experience or feel that same reality and i'd love you to go talk to somebody because that means there's things beneath the things yeah and i know she's uh talked to somebody before okay and a while back um you had a caller that was on that said like like um she had like some comments from when she was a child that she was chubby and that really like stuck with her in her adult life because adults were telling her that she was overweight when you know she really wasn't you know overweight and um i think my wife experienced the same thing when she was a child and a teenager because she's kind of expressed that to me before okay that makes sense and i i had her listen to that call call that you had um and she said it made her cry and it really hit a note okay with her well a thank you for sharing that with her and b i think it's a great conversation to circle back to and say a way you could love me because sometimes people and this has been my personal case um it's hard to see that you're worth the work it's going to take right but when somebody i care about says hey a gift for me i i jokingly said like two years ago it wasn't a joke but i asked my wife what she wanted for christmas and she said she wanted me to go see my therapist here in town all right that's what she wanted right and so i didn't see it but i have someone that loves me and cares about me and said you you know what it'd be a gift for me and often i don't like this but often i'll do something for you and i'll do something for you and i'll do something for you and i'll do something for you and i'll do something for you right and so i didn't see it but i have someone that loves me and cares about me and said you you know somebody else before i'll do it for myself and so maybe you circle back and say hey i want to circle back to that call you said made you cry a gift to me as your husband as the man who loves you more than anybody else in the world would be you going to talk to a counselor so you can begin to process and set down those stories you were told as a kid because who i see in front of me is stunned as a stunning beautiful woman who i love more than life itself and i don't like to see you beat yourself up right yeah exactly that would be that might be a blessing and she'll she can't get well long term by doing something for you but it might be the path that gets her in the door right yeah because i hate seeing her tear herself apart you know that's like man why why why do you do that to yourself you know i i don't think the why i never asked the question why okay because why is a judgment question instead of right hey tell me about this because the woman i'm seeing is is is different than the woman you're describing right right and that way you're not getting into a tit for tat like well you're i'm pretty you're you're not i've gained a lot of weight i don't see it at all that it becomes a distraction from we're experiencing reality in two different ways and i'm asking you if you don't see it for yourself will you love me enough to go talk to somebody right because i'm worried about the woman i love now let me say one third thing and this is just an area of caution okay never ever ever lie right okay so if she has put on 20 pounds saying uh-uh that's not true and then she it will validate in her mind in her spirit that you're not a person of integrity right that you can't be trusted when you say she's pretty and other other times right right there's been seasons when i i can vacillate weight in a wild way kind of kind of comically um and it frustrates people around me because i can put it on and i can take it off real fast right um there's been times when i've put it on and i've just let it hover right because i haven't i haven't done the things i know i can do to to drop it and i'll start complaining about my pants don't fit or my shirts are too tight or whatever right and i'm grateful that my wife doesn't say uh-uh right because it's true i but she will say i still think you're a good looking guy right um so i know she's because you know i've been to the doctor with her a couple times i know she's one of those folks who doesn't like to see her weight when she goes to the doctor sure if that makes sense because it makes her upset yeah if she gained five pounds or whatever you know and i know since we've been together she's gained a little bit of weight but she's not overweight if that makes sense of course well and five pounds can be a weekend bender of some pizza and a couple of drinks and some nachos right like you can hold water with with that many cart right so that doesn't bother me what what it sounds like is we need to get to the bottom of where did your identity get linked up with this number on this little square box that you stand on right um where what kind of exposure therapy can you sit down with a therapist and work through like this number doesn't define you we're not gonna be scared of this number we're gonna go right through that tension that's not something you as a husband can do but me and you can be really encouraging that hey now's the time that i want you to go right through that tension and work on getting well because i want you to see the amazing person that i see okay okay okay and as often as you can get to the thing beneath the thing as often as you can like disengage from the i have a case of the uglies hey i'm gonna ask you to not say that about my wife right or that's not the reality i'm experiencing right now right right and that deeper conversation a way you could love me is i think it's time for you to talk to somebody because i hate the way people talk to you and implanted some of those stories in your mind that have become the stories you tell yourself um the the kind of the algorithm for me it's it's a framework it doesn't always work out this way but the stories we were told by primary caregivers growing up by coaches by friends by bullies whoever like those stories we were told growing up become the stories we tell ourselves and once it makes that shift to my mom and dad said this about me too i say this about me it's very hard to untangle because why would you lie to yourself it's how you are experiencing the world and it can be disorienting to acknowledge i'm not experiencing the world as it is i live in that disorientation all the time um i can feel that i look a certain way and i've had to in many cases learn to out source that like i trust you i trust you i trust you to tell me um up or down but it can be very disorienting but having a loving partner that just says we are experiencing the world differently i'm going to ask you to talk to somebody i will never lie to you and i love you enough to say what you're saying isn't true and i'll hold your hand and walk with you but i want you to be free from these old just ugly stories that aren't true thanks for loving your wife well brother that's really i and also recognizing you just peppering her um emotions her deep fears her deep concerns you just peppering her with facts trying to quote-unquote fix her isn't the solution here and i i just applaud you for recognizing that early and wanting to walk alongside her not throw a repair manual at her that's that's noble brother um but go to the deeper level i think referencing back to that call is a really important thing and i think that's a really important thing and i think that's a really great place to start thanks for calling my man when we come back a man asks how to be a good father when his family thinks he's ruined his life by having a baby at 19 we'll be right back i know some of you out there are hurting and i mean really hurting your marriage is falling apart in real time and you and your spouse both know it you're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction and you feel completely powerless some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy it's affecting you and your spouse and you're watching a son or a daughter every area of your life and you've tried everything you can do and you can't seem to shake it when things feel this desperate a weekly therapy session might not be enough that's why i want to tell you about the vine and root program from capstone wellness these are three to five day on-site therapy intensives for couples families and individuals who need more than a standard 50 minute therapy session once a week you'll work with your capstones team before you even arrive so the moment you get there the real work can begin once you're there you won't just talk about problems you'll start to get to the root and heal them every single day you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you you'll do the deep work that leads to real change so that you leave with hope a plan and the tools to keep moving forward i know the people at capstone personally if someone i love needed this level of care capstone would be my first call because i trust them and the work they do if this is you don't wait go get help now go to capstone wellness wellness.com slash deloney and click on vine and root to learn more that's capstone wellness.com slash deloney or click the link in the description all right let's go out to san diego california and talk to kai hey kai what's up brother hey what's up what's up with you man nothing much well actually a lot well thanks for calling i'm glad you're here man what's going on uh my girlfriend and i were both 19 and we're expecting a kid right now okay and i'm gonna help you know i'm i'm super excited to become become a dad but i'm scared that i don't feel like financially or emotionally prepared for what's coming you're not in any shape form or fashion i can just tell you that right now let let that fear go that's a real that's a reality brother yeah um i'll let you talk uh ask the questions that you want to ask man and i'll be as honest as i can i've sat with a number of young people in your situation over the years uh i'm just gonna give some background if that's totally man the whole situation so um earlier this year my girlfriend and i were arguing and fighting because um like I caught her kind of leading on one of her like guy best friends and you know even though it hurt we decided to try and work through it and I still don't think I've like fully recovered from what happened and I still feel I still feel hurt and now that like we're expecting a child I feel I feel more pressure to try and make a relationship work and I love her but sometimes I question whether like whether we're staying together because we love each other or if I feel like if we feel obligated to you know we're staying together because we love each other or raise our kid together yeah I think that's a really hard tangled up like wad of hair to straighten out right yeah like um are you still living at home is she still living at home are y'all out on your own yeah we're both still living at home I'm living with my mom and then she's living with her with her parents okay so fact number one is this woman is this woman is now in your life forever whether you're romantically involved with her whether y'all both date and marry other people and have five kids each with with another partner you will always be linked to her okay and so whether you're romantically involved with her or whether you are a great co-parent with her um let's not try to pull apart are we staying together for this baby because we think it's right because we're getting pressured by other people let's start from a place of I will commit right now to always treating this woman with dignity and respect and kindness even if she does something that is that violates like decency morality if she tries to file for full custody of the kid not let me see it I am never going to succumb my character and get in the mud I'm going to always treat the mother of my child with dignity and respect even if I have to go to court and and and fight her in the court of law I'm I'm not going to you know what I'm saying this we're talking about an ethos here this is the kind of man I'm going to become over time okay the second thing is is are your parents have they all got in a room and everybody talked about what we're going to do and how we're going to navigate this no okay both our families are always kind of hate each other right now okay um yeah this might be a strange place where you find yourself having to be the adult in the room and say I need all of the I want to call a meeting with all the parents and it might be very strange it's a it's a it's a burden that you as a 19 year old like you're having a baby now man like all of a sudden the squat rack of life you're under the squat bar it just got two or three plates thrown on it right yeah life got real real heavy all of a sudden and so that means you're gonna have to work really hard you can either shirk the responsibility which I think is cowardice or you can decide I got to get in the weight room every freaking day and get real real real strong because I got this big responsibility and I thought my 19 being 1920 21 22 23 24 25 I thought it was going to be about exploration and fun and trying stuff out I got to get in the weight room now because I got a different I got a different life and I want to tell you something that's going to sound nutty to you at 19 okay and this is I'm an old man telling you this now okay it can be a different kind of awesome here's what I mean by that the number of musicians the number of comedians the number of folks who I sit with who gave up their 20s and into their 30s to like close down bars to um spend time chasing fame and fortune and career and all this stuff almost universally they come back to me and say oh the thing I was chasing I got when I held my kid right and so yes you will as a 19 year old new dad you're gonna miss out on some stuff that you would have done otherwise and I'm not gonna lie to you that stuff would have been awesome right getting to just travel the country hop in a truck with some buddies and go do something wild go to a college across like all that stuff would have been awesome and being a dad at 19 working three jobs to create a life for this little boy where he is loved rambunctiously where he never doubts for a second that he's anchored into his old man and hopefully to his mom too that's going to be awesome too it's a different kind of awesome but you looking at him as deficiency I could have been he's gonna wear the weight of that and that's not his job yeah right so you constantly saying sorry guys I'm not going out I'm gonna go I got to work this third job and that's you like think about this you going to the gym that's you getting stronger for this little boy I gotta go work a third job it's a different kind of awesome it sucks in the moment but man the payoff will be something fierce when you are economically independent and he's got a safe place to come home yeah and it might be that you get all the parents in the room and you say all of us are going to be in each other's life forever now I need us all to act like adults here and come up with a plan and if her parents or your parents are like screw that we hate them they they should then you know okay cool I'm on my own here okay or me and her are on our own and that means I'm gonna have to get an apartment that means we're gonna have to make some decisions that means I might have to move in with her family if we're gonna try to make a run at a relationship that means like all of that stuff it just changes everything right yeah yeah that's that's what they offered too okay or um like us to move in together with her family and then just pay a little bit of rent each month and if you're gonna do that at 19 I think y'all should go see a premarital counselor and start unpacking are we gonna make a run at this thing long term or not and a good premarital counselor will talk to you about things like finances we'll talk to you things about like faith we'll talk to you about things like roles and responsibilities questions y'all gonna have to answer regardless but it just puts it all on the table and you can begin to see hey do we want to choose to enter into the same value set as each other do we want to choose to make a run at this thing or are we gonna call it now not play house for a few years and and and on I'm saying I get it yeah um and by the way brother go ahead go ahead yeah sorry no you go ahead okay it's just that like her family is super supportive of everything and it feels like you know I'm going against my family because and everybody or most people I know because they're not supportive of it and they feel like yeah disappointed in me yeah yeah I hate to tell you this and you're learning this lesson at a young age okay but you find out who's in your corner when the chips are down you can be out with your boys and they can be talking a bunch of crap like yeah no one messes with us but until the first punch is thrown at one of their friends that's when you find out if they're on your team or not and it can be really disheartening to think you had a gang and then the first the first big thing happens you got you got a girl pregnant you're having a baby man at 19 and they had their dreams that they had put on you about what your life was going to be like about how you were going to change the family you were going to do this you were going to make all the money you were going to you were going to and since you changed their picture they're not on your team anymore that can be a nightmare to figure that out in real time especially when you're in the middle of a of a trial like this yeah all right and also how long have you known that she's pregnant um thanks like the end of july okay i'm also gonna say this and it's gonna get me trouble on the internets but that's fine be compassionate about people's first responses to moms and dads say stuff in the moment sometimes that they don't really mean that they haven't thought through just because their world just blew up yeah okay your siblings your your knuckleheaded buddies they may turn out to be some of your closest ride or dies and they said really stupid stuff when they first found something out both can be true okay where a lot of people are going to anchor into is how do you plow forward into doing the next right thing? And for you, the next right thing is making sure baby's healthy which means making sure mom is taken care of next right thing for you is coming up with a ironclad plan for economic stability right that might mean i'm going to marry this girl and we're going to get our own apartment or we're going to live with mom and dad for six months or for one calendar year but we have a on the calendar move out date and it's going to require this many dollars and that means i got to work this many jobs to get that many dollars you get what i'm saying like it's being very clear about an economic plan not yeah yeah i'm gonna i think my uncle tim's gotta we're not we're not doing that anymore we can't do that we have a kid on the line now got it or you don't want to look up and be 24 still living in her parents house um y'all are still kind of sort of dating ish and you got a little four or five year old running around like that's not a life for any of y'all and then we're going to figure out the stability of this relationship and you're right to have your heart broken if the girlfriend that you were falling for was having an emotional affair of somebody yeah you're right to be upset and you're right to say okay here's what it's going to look like to rebuild trust with me and hopefully she's all in hopefully she's like cool here's the past and here's the future and i'm going to figure out how to do that and i'm whatever here's my text here's my like i learned my lesson i was 19 i was an idiot i've learned it you're my guy you're about to be the father of my child i'm all in right or i'm going to stay living at my mom's house you stay with the baby in your house i'll be there every afternoon every evening um but i don't want to move in with you until we go ahead and lock this thing up and that's going to be a year from now yeah and also i want to make sure that little baby knows kai is his father that and that will only happen through presence through you being around so you got a lot of choices and decisions to make let's just get them in the right order number one mom and baby are safe and good number two economic stability number three we're going to really work on our relationship number four we're going to work on our relationship number five we're going to make sure i'm surrounded by people who are on my team and in my corner and that will require you to have conversations that are not 19 year old conversations they are adult conversations but you're going to have to have them you're gonna have to look at your mom and say mom i'm having a baby do you want to be a grandma or not because i'm not going to bring a new baby into this sort of negativity yes i made a mistake i refuse to call this baby a mistake i will not have the baby coming into the world under a cloud of mistake you want to be a grandma or not dad you want to be a granddad or not yeah right it sounds like she doesn't want to be one right now okay yeah and if that's the choice she's making if she's saying no you disappointed me so bad i don't want to know my grandkid i don't i don't care about the stability and safety of my son then man you're going to have to metabolize that and grieve that like crazy because i hate that for you and also you still got to take care of that baby still got to make sure mom's okay that means you might say cool i'm moving out then yeah but also i think that go ahead go ahead sorry she wants like she wants what's best for me but she doesn't have like my personal interests in mind she wants her version of what she thinks is best for you to be true yeah she's not helping you become the best version of yourself in the situation you found yourself in which generally speaking i don't want to put things on your mom but generally speaking that is she doesn't want to have to tell her friends that her that her golden child is having a baby at 19 yeah she doesn't want to tell her friends that she's a young grandma she doesn't want to tell like that's usually where that comes from and that's gross because that's that's giving that community more of a vote she doesn't want to go to church and say this is my son and he had a baby out of wedlock right instead of this is my grand baby in whom i'm well pleased happened in a situation that i wouldn't have wished on anybody because it's and make no mistake brother it's going to be headlocked and i'm going to have to hell you're gonna have a hard couple of years yeah okay it's grow up real fast time and i think you can do it i fully believe in you i've seen it done over and over and over again and i've also seen 19 year old dads wither away and disappear i'm going to call you to a higher standard cool cool this little boy deserves a dad who's all in on him you're right about that okay especially if you had a dad that walked out uh he actually passed okay he passed away three years ago yeah i think that's why my mom feels more hurt too in a way okay because yeah i think my dad would be or from what she says like he would be disappointed but you're really disappointed and with all due respect how dare she put your your deceased father's judgments on you yeah how dare she do that because he might have been disappointed in you he might have had a night where he's like damn it kai i can't believe you did this followed by bring me that bring me my grandbaby bring me my granddaughter let me hold her i'm a granddad now right so that's her not being willing to own her own stuff and passing it off to her to see like man i'm i'm not having that conversation with somebody so it's game on man game on and if people don't want to be in your corner right now you don't have time to sit around and wait on them you got a baby on the way and it's time for you to get involved in supporting mom being a man of integrity and character and getting your butt to work because you got to get some money because there's an economic reality a harsh economic reality to bring in a child into the world game on it's been an honor talking to you brother call me any time and i'll be here for you we'll be right back here's something most people don't think about you wake up a little stiff a little tired and you figure that's just how sleep is nowadays but the truth is you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10 or 15 or 20 years that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is and it may be while you're not sleeping well and i gotta say this too old mattresses get gross now is it time to finally get a new mattress and switch to helix sleeping on a helix mattress will help you sleep better and better sleep affects everything else including your attitude your emotional regulation and your health with more than 20 different mattress models helix has a mattress designed just for you whether you're a side sleeper a back sleeper whether you sleep hot or you and your partner have different needs you need helix get online and take their sleep quiz it takes like two minutes and helix will match you with a mattress built around how you actually sleep i sleep on a helix mattress every night it's the mattress i have in every room of my house and it's the mattress i recommend to all my friends in all of my family you don't know what you've been putting up with when it comes to your mattress until you finally make the switch and wake up feeling rested and restored go to helix sleep.com slash deloney to save 20 off site wide this month that's helix h-e-l-i-x helix sleep.com slash deloney or click the link in the description with helix better sleep starts right now all right we're back i forgot the words that were coming out of my mouth words words are hard sometimes they're hard all right something awesome happened what is it all right so this is from anna in saint claire michigan and she writes my husband and i moved to our first house together in january this year and we're going to be living this year we started a garden where we feed the local deer population and we were overrun by zucchini apparently i guess deer don't like zucchini maybe nope after listening to your show i realized i was lacking community in my life inspired by your words of go go first and be weird we decided to introduce ourselves to our neighbors with zucchini in hand yes we met each of them and got to learn about them my husband was cutting the grass the other day and the tire came off the mower we've been having problems with it so we started our typical routine to go get the tire back on this time in the front yard our neighbor saw us struggling he ran over and helped us push the mower back while holding the tire in place to help fix it in the garage it felt like a small but significant moment of human connection as we worked together we're finding community each day and it all started with me being brave and giving some zucchini away yes yes this is it tiny little things and then the neighbor came over and here's the crazy thing about the neighbor coming over the neighbor felt good about that too and now the neighbor is gonna keep their eyes open for more opportunities they can show up and help another it happens it's like the spread of cwd like with deer it's a it's a deer disease it starts small and it just spreads and spreads do we have to like compare this i know right i was just listening to the steve ranella podcast about it right before here's terrible example for spreading community and joy but let's say it's like ripples in the water or something like that not a deer disease why don't you just read me the footprints poem that's in every 45 and up christian bathroom in america i am 45 and up and it is and a christian that is not in the bathroom but it's tattooed on your lower back so there's that um hey what was your name again anna in st claire michigan anna in st claire that's how you change communities i'm proud of you for going first and being weird it's the antidote to the loneliness epidemic in our country everybody go first be first and be generous with your zucchinis love you guys bye