Caller: “I’m Not Included in My Husband’s Inheritance”

[MUSIC] How do I approach my husband about his lives and about an inheritance that he will not spend on us or household. When I try to talk about just like the kids or whatever, he usually says, you know, you're ruining my day, I'm trying to have a good day. [MUSIC] What up, what up, this is John with the Dr. John Deloni show. [MUSIC] I'm so glad you're with us. There's about 11 trillion podcasts, 11, 12 trillion YouTube shows, and you'll pick this one. And I'm grateful for your time, grateful for you guys, I'll pull it up a seat. And either joining us on the show, or just being a warrior, just listening to other people, real people going through real stuff in their lives. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. And we're going to talk about your marriages and your kids and your relationships and your mental and emotional health. We're going to talk about all of it. So anything you got going on, give me a call, click the link because it's a 21st century now. And we'll get you on the show. And one thing I want to also tell you about the link in the show notes here. One of the most common challenges I hear from folks is we are living roommate lives. This is folks who are married, romantic relationships, we are roommates, and we are living parallel lives. We love each other, we most of our communications about logistics, and we are just running in parallel. We make sure the kids get where they need to be, we make sure our bills get paid, and we miss us. And this sounds super simple and almost counterintuitive, but if you distill it all the way down, one of the greatest gifts you can give each other and yourselves in your marriage is to have a weekly check-in. How are you? Here's how I'm doing. What do we have coming up this week? Like being honest, choosing reality about the week ahead of you. What's on the calendar? Have we put us on this calendar? Are we prioritizing you and me? What do we have to pay for this week? What's coming up money-wise? Right, so I've created, it's a quick PDF download, it's just a weekly check-in guide. You can get it in the show notes, it's free and cost you thing, it's just from me to you. But this is something similar that me and my wife use every week of our lives. And it just keeps us not living parallel, keeps us in one train on one track, moving towards the world we want to build together. So check it out. Let's go out to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Annie, hey, Annie, what's up? Hi, Dr. John, thank you for speaking with me today, and helping me sort out some things. Thank you for calling. I'm grateful. What's up? I'm nervous. Well, I'm glad you're here. Yeah, thank you. I'm glad I'm here, too. Okay. So, do you want my question first? Yeah, go for it. Hi, how do I approach my husband about his lies and about an inheritance that he will not spend on us or household, but plans to give to his two children and our two children after he passes? He avoids talking with things about with me and I can give you a little background if you want it. Yes, you're hot. I'm shaking. No, you're good. You're good. You're good. I'm glad you're here. How long have y'all been married? 33 years. 33 years. Okay. And he has two other kids from a previous relationship. Yeah. He was married a couple of few times before me. Okay. Yeah. Third time was the charm. You hung in there. Four. Four time was the charm. All right. All right. Well, it's not really charming. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, but before we dig into this, this inheritance conversation, like back out of it with me, because right now you're right square in the middle of it and it feels super heavy. Back out of it with me. Yeah. And we'll just look at it from a distance. Okay. Okay. And this guy that's sharing this 33 year marriage with you. What are some things he for sure will not talk about? Forget the inheritance part. What are things that you want to talk to him about for years that he's just like not having that conversation? Well, he, I catch him in life. Okay. Tell me about those. Oh, God. This is a whole nother thing, but I bet it's not another thing. I bet it's all kind of wound up and jumbled together. We have a son who died five years ago. I'm sorry. He was 26 and it was a very sudden thing. It was like an undiagnosed medical condition. What was his name? Frank. Frankie. Frankie. Good kid. Frank the tank. Frank the tank. Here you go. He was cool. He was really cool and he was a good kid. He was a good person and so he died five years ago and that's kind of when things started going haywire. Okay. So he was our middle child and he started going nuts after that because as soon as he died, I was going to keep a stick up truck and drive it and my husband had other ideas and he took a pick up truck and gave it to his grandson from his first marriage and then they, I wanted to keep it. He just pressured me. You need to work. I want to give it to our grandson, blah, blah, blah and I'm like, okay, and I finally gave in because of the pressure and the grandson crashed it up, of course, because he just turned 16 and he and his son and the daughter in law all lied to me for four months and didn't tell me they crashed up the car. And so give me another example of conversation you want to have and it's his way or the highway. And yeah, he won't talk, he won't talk about that. When I try to talk about just like the kids or whatever and my thoughts, he usually says, you know, you're ruining my day. I'm trying to have a good day type thing. So we're not really allowed to talk about anything. But that wasn't just five years ago in Frankie Pass. That's been that way forever. Yeah, it's been that way forever, for instance, the beginning, you know, I, I guess I always thought he was truthful with me, but he's not. You wanted him to be truthful. Yeah. So I've always, you know, I always thought over and tell us to talk about things type thing. Right. But also, and here's what I'm trying to do, I'm intentionally trying to be gentle, but I want to pop the bubble that has been the fantasy for 33 years. Okay. And it's, my guess is, and I love being wrong. So tell me if I'm wrong. My guess is, you've been an accessory to the life he has wanted to live for 33 years. Yeah, I think so. A very important accessory, but you all haven't co-built anything. He has done what he wanted to do and you've lived there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so there's two parts to that. One is, I hate that for you, and I actually hate that for him because his life would have been deeply enriched by, by co-creating a world, not just having his own way. But the other part of it is, and this is the ownership part is really important, you've, you've put up with that. You've chosen that for 33 years. Yes. I've always had a hard time advocating for myself. Okay. All right. That's not a thing to feel ashamed about or to feel like downtrodden about, or it, I don't want it to become yet another thing you're disappointed in yourself about. But there is something important to say, I have done X, Y, or Z for 33 years, and here's where the fork in the road comes. This is the life I signed up for. This is the life I have participated in. And so this is the life I have, or as of today, this ends, and it's going to come with a lot of disruption. Either one of those paths is hard. So it's not a matter of I'm going to take the easy road or the high road. I mean, the easy road or the difficult one, it's both of these paths are hard. So when it comes to this inheritance, how much money are we talking? Just, and this is- I don't know. I don't even know. Okay. It's less than a million. I know that. That could be a $25,000 or it could be $950,000. That's a big swing, right? Yeah. It's over a couple hundred thousand. Okay. How is your, what's the state of your family finances? Do you know how much you have in retirement? Do you know, if your husband dropped dead today, do you know what would happen next? Well, I do have so security, he's older than I am. Okay. And he's like about 11 years older than I am. Okay. Um. I would get his social security and his pension and then I have some I always work part time. And so I don't have as much as he does. But I mean I have it in investments what I do have because I was I grew up in a really large family like of 10 kids. So my parents taught us how to be really frugal and safe. That's really good. The challenge is even the way you just talked about what happens after he passes. You've always been on your own inside this marriage. And so is he. He has his money. You've got yours. He has his retirement. You've got yours. He's got his nest egg and he's going to decide what he wants to do with it, which doesn't include you and you've got yours and you'll make do with what's left. Yeah. Pretty much. Okay. Yeah, I've always been kind of on my own. I travel alone. I go places alone. And so here's where all of this is is is like dynamically linked to the the question you asked me. He has never cared what you think about his money as he sees it in my house. If and when my aging parents pass away and my wife's aging parents pass away, neither of our of our families have a lot. But whatever small inheritance we might or might not get. It's ours. It would go into the same account and we would decide what happens next. You know what I'm saying? Like that. Like the structure you have built for 33 years is foreign to me. Okay. And so here's what I at this point, you're not going to you're not going to change him. Is that fair? Right. I've I've actually thought about spending some time. I'm at my girlfriend's house right now spending some time here. And I was out the door one time after my son's truck was smashed and they lied to me and my sister said don't leave, go see a counselor and it takes months to go see a counselor to get in. So, you know, by that time you're getting along again and talking again and stuff like that about things, but I mean not talking about the actual thing that happened, but. Right. You're not getting along. You're a peacemaker. You're not a peacemaker. You're a peacemaker. You're a peacemaker. And so getting along in your house is you figure out how to squash. The fears you have, the anxieties you have, the questions you have, the connection you want so badly with this guy, that's not getting along. Right. That's dying. It's dying inside so that y'all can plot down next to each other on the couch and I don't want you to get off this call saying that I'm telling you to do something different. If that's the life you've got and that's what you know and that's the life you're choosing then the path forward is he's got his inheritance. He's never going to ask your opinion on it. He's never going to consider this a joint decision and so I'm not going to lose a second of sleep over it because any amount of angst, any amount of frustration, any amount of anger I have is not going to change the final outcome and it's just a choice for me to be miserable. If you're going to leave him and you want to start talking about splitting up assets and who's is what and while he was out working all those years, you were at home raising kids and y'all want to sell the house and divide everything up, now you got another conversation to have. Right. Because legally part of that inheritance might be yours. And so it won't be. Okay, depending on what state you're in and how it all shakes out. So that's what I'm saying, if you're not going to leave and you're here, how old are you right now? I just turned 60. Okay, 60 and he's 71, so he may have two more years left. He may have 10 more. He may have 20 more years left. Right. And so is what it is, what it is, maybe that inheritance puts him into long-term care at some point. That inheritance, make sure y'all have food on the table when he's going through whatever medical challenge he has is in the last decade of his life. Who knows? Who knows? It'd be nice to go on a vacation. Yeah. But he's a thing. He's never gone a vacation with you. Right. And so there's not a reason to think that he would suddenly change. The only person you can change now is you. And beating your head up against the wall of, I wish, I wish, I wish, I want, I want, it's an, it's just an exercising to give you a really bruised forehead. You're going to say? I've been doing that. Yeah. Not doing things get to me. No, no, no, no, no, they're going to get to you. Okay. I want them to get to you and I want you to grieve them. I agree a lot. I agree a lot. Because husbands and wives should go on vacations together, especially when they're financially secure and like, and they're able to. Right. Right. And so I don't want you to not let it get to you because that's the rest of it. That's you just building up a wall because if you build up a wall and don't let those bad feelings get in, the good ones won't get in either. I want you to grieve it, be sad, and then ask yourself, what am I going to do next? In light of the reality that I find myself, I'm going to go on that vacation. I'm going to take two girlfriends with me or, or I'm going to let the dream of vacation begins, pass into the ether, and I'm going to start a garden in my backyard. Like I don't know what the thing is, but it's about taking action on answering that question. What am I going to do next? I'm a very active person. Awesome. I do a lot of volunteering and I have a little job that I have and I sing a church and all that kind of stuff. So I can see myself very charitable when it comes down to it. I agree. Here's what I want you to hear me say at the end of the day. For 33 years, you've tried to plug into a guy that doesn't have an outlet. And probably for 33 years, you've wondered what's wrong with me. I want you to exhale and say, probably mostly nothing. Right. I get it. I get it. Yeah. Because if you go, if you go, do charitable work because you don't think you're lovable and you need to do something nice, then you're using the people at the charity to try to prop you up. Okay. If you wake up every day and you're like, dude, I love myself and I'm going to go share some of me with my community, dude, that will be the most life-giving work you do serving your neighborhood. I think that's kind of my attitude with it. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. I love helping people. I know that people can count on me to do stuff. Yeah. And I, you know, I ask people, would you like some help with that? And I can help you with that. You know, I do a lot of gardening and stuff like that. It's awesome. It's awesome. Yeah. And it's all right to grieving be sad that the one guy in the world you want to do this stuff with, you want to do this with you, won't. Right. He won't. Right. I know. God, you figure that out. Well, it's just, it's just life. It's, it's, it's, it at a micro-micro-microscale, it's about nine o'clock at night is when I get all jazzed out and I want to go out on the town and do something bananas. Mm-hmm. And my wife is Borderland Comatose. Right. And. I heard you say that. 515 AM, she is up and like, let's go burn the world down and I don't know what day it is. Right. Yeah. Right. And that dynamic will always exist. Right. Yeah. And so we get to ask ourselves, what kind of world do we want to build with this reality? We have amazing materials, but the home we have is on a, I mean, the land we have is on a slope. So it's going to limit the kind of house we build. Mm-hmm. So let's make the best possible one given this, given the, the, the, we're on the side of our mountain, right? And it can have great views, but it's not going to have a big crazy sprawling backyard. Mm-hmm. Right. And every day I walk outside and saying, I want a backyard, I want a backyard. I can't change that mountain. It is. Right. I can move. Right. The net benefit to me is so great doing life with this one person that I'm going to have to grieve the fact that I want a big sprawling backyard, and I'm going to move on to my life. And so I don't want to be dismissive, but he's never going to talk to you about this money. Okay. Right. Tell me I'm wrong. Right. No. I think you're right. He didn't even sit down with you and say, Hey, we lost our son. What do we want to do next? Right. He said, I lost my son. Here's what I'm going to do. You need to get over yourself. It's cruel, Annie. Yeah. It's cruel. And they lied to you about it. Yeah. It's the line things I've never ever approached him on. it like, but I started questioning some things and then he explodes and says, you just keep digging. I didn't want to tell you this, but blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah, that's called gaslighting 101. He's making you the bad guy. Yeah. And you're not the bad guy. And he never apologizes. He always says, I'm sorry. You feel that way. Exactly. Exactly. So under this, but this isn't new. This is three and a half decades. Right. And so either say this is the guy that I chose and I'm continuing to choose to do life with and given that set of realities. I'm not going to dig. I'm going to go live my best life that I can. And I'll be a good version of myself here. I'll be kind and respectful and honorable and all the things, right? Yeah. Or I'm going to go do something else with my life. Right. I might have 30 years left. Yeah. Well, my mom died at 61. So I'm not counting on it. Well, I mean, you can, you can look at that in two ways. Like, oh, I got one year left. Or you can say I'm going to make sure I put every deposit in the taken care of myself bank. I'm going to put every deposit in the health bank. I'm going to get my blood work done. I'm going to laugh as much as I can. I'm going to go try to live this life. Right. But you, all those are choices you get to make. I hate that you're in this situation. And I hope this calls empowered you to say, okay, these things aren't going to change. The only person that can change in this situation is me. And then you have to ask yourself, that's great question. Any time you call me, we'll pick up the phone and we'll talk. I'm grateful for you. We come back. A woman asks how to save her marriage after her husband confessed to multiple affairs with other men. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. So the folks at BetterHelp just released their annual state of stigma report. It's full of all sorts of data about why people avoid getting help for their mental and emotional health challenges. And here's a data point that stood out to me when I read it. More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms over the previous two weeks. If that's you and you're carrying stress, symptoms of anxiety or depression, talking to someone can really help. I want you to reach out to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000 plus license therapists based on your goals and preferences. It's easy and it's convenient and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of you getting the help you need. Visit BetterHelp.com/Deloney and get 10% off. That's [email protected]/Deloney. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life. And life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time. And we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. So why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis so I can feel better in my own skin. And this is why I'm a huge fan of joy and blokes. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms and joy and blokes is most excellent. I strongly encourage you to check them out. They start you with a very comprehensive blood test that will give you real data about what's going on in your body, why you're feeling how you're feeling, but it doesn't stop there. Joy and blokes pairs you with a clinician who reviews your results, helps you create a personalized plan. And this is key. They walk alongside you while you take action, whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes or a supplement tweak or a much more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed and managed through joy and blokes. Joy and blokes is for men and women who want to take ownership of their health and live the best life possible. Go to joy and blokes.com/deloney and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I-N-B-L-O-K-E-S. joy and blokes.com/deloney. All right, let's go to Buffalo, New York and talk to Anne. Hey Anne, what's going on? About a month ago, my husband's 15 years and other my six kids told me that been cheating on me for the past two years with other men. The cheating was both over like video calls and in-person hookups. So my main question for you was, can my marriage be saved and how do I fix it? My other big question is, what are my kids? How do I live a day-to-day life? Is there any hope? What did I do wrong kind of thing? Yeah. I hate this for you. Yeah, it's not exactly something I wanted on my bingo card. Yeah, yeah, yeah, anybody draws it up. So listening to you ask that question, here's the picture that popped into my head, okay? Your house was just, and I grew up in Houston, so this is the reference point I have. I know it's different in Buffalo. Your house just got flattened by a hurricane. Yeah. And the question you're asking me as a first responder is, can we save that couch? Okay? Okay. The questions you are asking are like, for somebody who's in complete and total shock, are good questions, they're right questions, they're the questions that most people in your situation ask. And so what I want to do here is like hold your hand and back up to the street and just look at your house. The house you had is over. So can you save your old marriage? No, that marriage is over. Can you build a new one? Maybe. But the thing that y'all had created together, you, your husband of 15 years, these six amazing kids, that thing y'all built is doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. Yeah. Okay. And so metabolizing that, letting that flow through your veins is important. Otherwise, you're going to walk around like in a stupor saying, can we save the couch? And where's the photo album? And the first responders and the lights flashing in the street are going to say, okay, we got to get you off this site. It's not safe. Okay. So when he sat down and told you this, was it out of remorse? Was it out of this is who I am now? Give me the context for that conversation. So I found a picture on his phone. He told me he didn't have time to talk about it right then. He came back after work that day and he sat me down. He just filled everything. And I said, why did you tell me now? And he said, because honestly, I couldn't come up with a lie. I couldn't hide it anymore. And he just told me everything. Okay. And what did he tell you? He told me he'd been cheating on me for the past two years. He told me about every two weeks he'd been meeting up with somebody. Like he just he tried to tell me everything. Like I don't know how to describe it. I know how I reacted. I told him, thank you for telling me. And I left the house for a while. I needed some space. Does he want to continue the relationships? Does he want to continue those relationships? Oh, no, no, no. Did he come out and say, I'm gay, did he come out and say, this is always going to think for me, did he say, what was his context? He told me he's been struggling with his sexuality since he was 13. That was something I knew about previously, like in within our marriage, you know, even before we got married. But it never seemed to go as far as that. Like this to me was a huge shocker that he goes, well, it was with men. I was like, wait a minute. What? Like that was just a grenade. Yeah. But I wasn't expecting that one. And sometimes in these conversations that I have a folks, especially behind closed doors, when we're being pretty, pretty open and raw with each other, not always. But sometimes there's a, it's okay because it was somebody of the same sex or it's a, it's okay because this is who I really am. And I always want to come back to, I don't care who you're cheating with. Cheating is cheating and fidelity is infidelity. Yeah. Right. And so it doesn't, it, for me, it doesn't matter that it wasn't his secretary, doesn't matter that it wasn't some woman that he met down the street. The fact is he stepped out on your marriage and he put you in incredible risk, health wise. And he put the stability of your family and your six kids in incredible, right? I mean, it's it's it's a big deal. Yeah, right? And so in a way, it puts his job at risk too. I mean, like he just he put everything at risk in a way. I could feel less about the kids when it's our home, when it's our community, when it's his job. I, what's his job, I've said about that. He's a school teacher. Okay, okay. So I'm trying to think of the right even place to start with you. I guess I'll I'll walk you down as though you just were at my house right now. And we're just sitting down like and you're saying, what do I do next? Okay, here's what I would do next. Number one, this is uncomfortable, but I would go get tested. Yeah, I've already done that. Okay, are you, are you clear? Yeah, yeah. Okay, I would do another one in six months. Okay, I just put on my calendar and I would do a follow up in a six months. The second thing is, is you asking yourself, is this the relationship I want to be in? And that is going to be a first question, do I want to rebuild this thing with this man? Because if I'm going to stick in this, stick this out because I'm worried about the kids, I'm going to stick this out because I don't know what I'm going to do next. It's going to mess up everything. Trust me that everything is messed up. Yeah, is this a person that I can trust knowing that he put his job on the line? He put his reputation in our small town, the line he put, fill whatever blanks you want to fill in. Do I want to rebuild this thing with this person? The next question is, despite the fact I may want to, will I be able to? Well, I do though, because you're going to have hard work too of practicing trust again, of not looking over your shoulder every week, not walking into restaurants and wondering if he's been with any of these other men in this restaurant. Yeah, right. It's a, you're going to get tired of checking his phone. You're going to feel like you have a seventh kid, right? Yeah, and I don't want another kid. I want to have that enough to run in their house. That's exactly right. He's going to have to ask himself that same question because out of the fog of getting caught out of the fog of the, there's a cathartic release. That's, I'm trying to think of a non-nerdy way to say that he's going to feel better with all the secrets out because secrets like that will kill you. They'll each up from inside out. But he's going to have to ask himself, does he want to live in the marriage that he has created with you? Does he want to rebuild with you? Or does he just feel real, real guilty right now? Does he not know what kind of job he's going to have? Does he not know if he's a schoolteacher, he's not going to be able to split up his income half and live his life, even in a one bedroom apartment, and also give child support to six kids and alimony to a like, is he going to want to rebuild with you because it's going to be easier? That's right. Yeah, and I don't, yeah, I don't know that answer. Do I want it because I want to stay? It's easier for the kids or I want to stay because I want to say like, that's a question I've been asking myself over and over and over again. That'll be a question to take. Yeah, that'll be a question that takes time. Yeah, right. That'll be a question that takes time. The first thing is you got to bring in an excavation team to clear the site of the house that used to stand there. Yeah, and that may be all sitting down with a marriage counselor and we have one on the calendar right now, and you would be well served to write down these hard questions that you want answered. Don't go to that counselor and mince any words. Yeah, don't go to that counselor and say like, well, there's three or four questions I just don't want to ask because I'm scared of the answer. And then you have to ask yourself true questions about trust. Do you need to go get a job? If he turns around and says, you know what, I'm out. What what happens next? Do you all have a place to live? Do you have food for those six kids in yourself? You have lights closed. These are all questions that your nervous system is trying to solve right now. And that's why I'm saying the longer you just stare at that couch in the middle of all the rubble, the more you're you're going to feel like you're getting dragged underwater because your body is screaming at you, hey, we're not safe. We're not safe. We got six kids. Yeah. Or for nervous system language, I have six kids. Yeah. Because he blew up the Wii that I knew. Yeah, definitely. And here's if you haven't had it yet, you're right to be overcome with anger. And if you haven't let yourself- They keep saying I'm going to be angry. I'm not glad he told me. I'm I'm glad he finally respected me enough to to voice that. This is kind of a matter of hate the sin hate the hate the sin of center type submission. I don't understand how I'd be mad. It to me being mad is a waste of my time and energy when it's a biological process. It's it's biology. Anger's a anger's a tool. It's a gift. It's a it's it's your body pointing to something that should be different that is not. It's not a waste of time. Rage like self-imposed trapped rage. Some people feel rage because they are trapped. That that that stinks. But choice rage, right? I'm not going to take the next right step. I'm not going to start applying for jobs. I'm not going to start reaching out to babysitters because I got six kids. And I got to figure out how to make sure that at least I'm anchored to something because I don't trust you right now. I'm not going to trust you for the next couple of years because we're going to practice trust. Not doing those things and just sitting at home and stewing. Yeah, that's a waste of time. Yeah, it's understandable, but it's it's not it's not fruitful. We'll get you to where you want to be, which is safe. Yeah. And so I think for you all like backing all the way out and you taking some time to write these questions down. I don't know if you're just a person who doesn't get mad. I'm mad on your behalf. And I just I just heard this story and I don't want to force feelings and emotional responses on you. Everybody's body's different. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, I just like I said, I'm I'm not mad. I feel bad. I'm upset, but I'm not mad. You're you're a different person than me. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. But yeah, I like you said, I'm not even sure how the my other thing is is do I am I supposed to even fix the marriage? It I didn't set the grenade off. I didn't start fire. He did exactly and that's why like you're you're the language you're using is of somebody who's still in shock, but I don't want to put that on you. You may be you may be clear as a bell. Right. No, I don't know. I mean, this is about 10 years of history and then he probably need a minimum of 15 more years. Well, I mean, that math doesn't work, but I get the impulse right now. Right. And again, it's like your house just got blown over. The impulse is I want to move. I don't ever want to come back to this house again. I get that. That's a right impulse or there's another impulse, which is equally powerful, which is let's start rebuilding today and you see people the day after her king with a shovel, right? Like for a job that needs a crane in a backhoe, they're out there with a shovel like I'm getting after it right now. Or they start trying to fix their flowers in the flower bed out front and the house is gone, right? Like so your initial response the first two weeks, three weeks, one month, two months after something like this. Give yourself grace for whatever response is your body's trying to direct you to. The worst thing you need right now is you saying I should or I have to or I like right now. Like that's going to add extra weight in a backpack that is already real real heavy now. The thing you should do is ask yourself, am I safe or me and my six kids safe? Do we have a place to live? Do we have lights on? Do we have money in the account? What action steps do I need to take? Do I need to go get a job and you're okay, does that need to be a full time job now? I don't know, take care of six kids this whole time, but I don't know when I do it. And that's why I'm that's why I've got such a strong visceral reaction. It's easy to say I've got this life and I need to figure out how to deal with this. madness and keep the same life I have. And that's one trying to tell you the life you have is over. Yeah. And so trying to keep your part-time job but also be a part-state home mom and also be super wife over. You might in the rebuild process end up back in a part-time job, part-time stay at home with six kids, shuttling kids to and fro, or suddenly all six kids maybe come bus riders. And you may never go to another PTO meeting, PTA meeting again. You may miss most little league games because you're working two jobs because your husband blew your life up. This is hard and this is breaking my heart to say it like this directly, okay? Yeah. And so instead of saying how do I keep dot, dot, dot clearing the deck in your mind and looking at a blank sheet of paper and saying here's what must happen today. Do we have a house? Yes. Do I have this? Do I want to build this marriage? I don't know. Do I love this man? Of course we have shared history. We have six kids together. We made humans together. Do I want to rebuild? I don't know. Even if I do want to rebuild here's what must be true for me to even consider rebuilding with you. And then he gets to be a grown man and say I don't want to do that. The recklessness with which he is displayed like the lack of care he's shown for your health. The lack of care he shown for the stability and safety of your family. The recklessness with which he is cared about his own well-being. Yeah. Should cause anybody to pause. Let's begin to ask ourselves some of these big hard questions. No, you can't save the marriage it was. It doesn't exist. Do I want to rebuild with that guy? And does he want to rebuild with me? And if that if we decide we do, here's what must be true. And you get to paint the path that he's going to walk to reestablish trust in your home. Both of you are going to have a bunch of work to do moving forward. I hate this happened to you. Thank you so so much for the call. We come back. A woman asks how to manage anxiety about being around her husband's ex-wife. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or tea-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cut. Well, this is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives for Montana knife company. And it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana knife company knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfected. Montana knife company makes their knives right here in the United States in years of experience going to every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used. I've sent them off and got all my knives right back razor sharp again. And these knives will still be sharp when my great-great kids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana knife company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com. All right, we're back. Hey, check out the together app for you folks who use Apple products go to the App Store and get the together app will transform your marriage. And for those of y'all who are listening and you use Android devices, we're coming for you. We're still working on it. We got the engineers after it. And don't forget to hit the like or subscribe buttons for me. All right, let's go to your Pennsylvania and talk to Stacy's mom. It's got to go on. What's up, Stacy? Hi, Dr. Nelloni and some honor. Thank you for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you. How's it going? Oh, you know, pretty good. Just have a quick question for you. Okay, go for it. Um, yeah. How do I manage the anxiety I feel about being around my husband's ex-wife? And I also feel like I can't be resentment and insecurity and dislike towards her. Yeah, just a quick question. Just a quick question. Uh, how do I, how do I navigate this entire world? I've, I've opted into. Um, how long have you and your husband been married? 17 years. 17 years. Okay. Yeah. And how long has you married to Zach? About seven. And they had three children. Yeah. Do you and him have any kids? We have three. Oh, so he's, he's got six kids. Yep. And I had one. And previously, so we have seven altogether. Dang, Gina. All right. Yeah. So 17 years, what is it about this woman that when she comes around? I'm assuming it has to do with kids and birthdays and graduations and stuff like that. I mean, I have some context. If you know, if I can keep on track, a few of mine. So we were invited my husband, nine to a party. My stepdaughter is having at her mother's house for her boyfriend. And my stepchildren tend to become noticeably different and distant when they're around their mom, when their mom is around us, basically all together. Almost as if they're uncomfortable engaging with us. Um, and the boyfriend's parents will also be there. And they've already developed a relationship with my husband's ex-wife. So, and we've never met them. So I find myself dreading the event because I anticipate feeling like the outsiders. And I worry that we'll be judged or awkwardly excluded. And I'm trying to understand whether it's just social anxiety or insecurity or a realistic response to a difficult family dynamic. Yeah. My first guess out of the, like right out of the bag would be your body's working perfectly. Okay. You just identified. So there's always going to be the loyalty challenge, which is your husband and his ex-wife's three biological kids are always going to have attention of this woman you is the woman they spent most of their childhood with. But that's that other ladies their mom in any affection and kindness and love and secrets they tell you is always going to have there's like a teeter taught her inside their chest that it's always out of whack. And when birth mom is around, that loyalty thing comes out. And it happens even with adult kids. And so I would hope adult kids are more mature, but it's just a real thing. And so wondering why kids bodies are acting like kids bodies are acting. That's I wouldn't spend time on that. Because you get to make up the story that comes next, right? You see that interaction? Your husband and his for like your three stepkids walk in the room. They lean towards their mother. Your body goes, Oh, and then boom, you start back filling it with stories. I'm not enough. They love her more than me. I've never been there for them. I, I, I, right. Right. And your body responds to those stories to try to protect you. And so, and so there's a couple of paths forward. One is you can just probably opt out of the party. That's one way. That's avoiding the situation, but sometimes avoidance is not a bad thing. Right? The second thing is saying, I won. I got him. I've been with him for twice as long as you. And I'm going to choose to tell myself positive stories when they start leaning towards their mom. You can exhale and say, I'm so glad they that she's still in their life. Good for them. Because we're not, I'm not competing with you. I won. This isn't a game between two women. And I'm going to stand there and smile. I'm not going to give away an, I'll feel awkward. That's fine. But I'm not going to outsource my sense of worth to a next wife of almost two decades. I'm not going to outsource my, especially not outsource myself worth and the strength of my current marriage to my stepdaughter's boyfriend's parents. They don't get a vote in your life. You know what I mean? Yes. And all of that sounds nice and good, but there's just a walking in going, oh, this is going to be uncomfortable. And so here's the two or three things I'm going to do. It gives your body a sense of, oh, you're driving. We're going through a really rough patch of road, but here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put the car in four wheel drive and I'm going to slow way down and I'm not going to rush through this. I'm going to take my time. Cool. Or I'm going to hit the gas and just zoom right through this. Or I'm going to drive four hours out of the way so I never have to leave the main road and I'm going to stay on the pavement. You get to pick the path, right? But you feel like it sounds like you're trapped in a prison of shoulds and duty and stories you're telling yourself. And I guess I just want to tell you that that prison's locked on the inside you just trying to keep it walk out Okay, yes, I feel like that 17 years I'm way over simplifying and I know now there could be some Like again along the thesis that your body is working perfectly Does your husband still show his ex preferential treatment? Does he still lean towards her? No way, not at all. Okay, and maybe you letting him know on the front end My wife and I have all kinds of arrangements like this. We don't I don't have a next wife But all kinds of different situations she finds herself and has a virtue of being married to me What we talk about I want you to hold my hand If I wink at you, I'm gonna step out If I come put my arm around you then that's the five-minute warning that I'm at my capacity and we need to go Hmm, right, and so I'm gonna prearrange an exit strategy and since he's on my team And I come first before all this other I need to impress the My daughter's boyfriend's parents like before all that nonsense We're gonna have an exit strategy And again, even if you never use the exit strategy the fact that your body knows we can't leave anytime. We're adults I think it was the comedian John Chris who told me he's like adults can't get in trouble You know, I mean like if you don't commit a crime like and you show up to work like I'm not in trouble with the boyfriend's parents. I don't care what they say Yeah, I know that's the feeling. I feel is that we're like in trouble and I'm mainly feeling it Formed not for me as much as my husband. I feel sad for him Yeah, when we're like around all of it because I'm like She blew up their marines and I feel even though I got him I feel sad That it's been broken and he doesn't have that type of relationship that she has with them that she's always trying to Pull him away from yeah, and it just makes me sad But don't don't take his feeling sad for him is right you love him and you see a good man hurting right But don't take his agency from him He's made choices along the way too And he's choosing to head into this so maybe I'll go to dinner and be like all right We're headed to another awkward situation. Tell me what you're feeling. We'll know through no be fine Like no, I'm with you. We've been together 20 years almost like I know Here's what I'm feeling and here's what I I want us to plan together Because I want this to be enjoyable for as enjoyable as it can possibly be in an otherwise awkward world But the whole thing is empowerment the whole question. I want you to continually go back to his what I'm I gonna do next what me and my husband gonna do next And if you all leave early Spending one second Imagining what they're saying with you not in the room is a waste of your time and energy Because you're not there and who cares. They don't get a vote Right right And I I know I know I'm over Non-shelunting this right but I'm trying to hit the pendulum really far to show you how much of your core self you've outsourced to strangers They don't get a vote mm-hmm And if you and I had an hour together I we could probably unpack you've probably spent a lot of your life outsourcing who you are to other people is that fair? Very fair. Okay. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Are you good mom to the stepkits? Yeah, I love them dearly. Are you a good mom to your biological kids? I am Are you a good wife? Yep, you told me I am no When you look in the mirror, you're like yeah, I still got it Oh no, I try not to look in the mirror. Oh gosh that That's the work that I really want you to spend time on over the next year because it can take a while Mm-hmm. Okay. Most of us who spend our lives outsourcing our sense of worth to other people Find ourselves in that predicament needing other people to like us to approve of us to say we're doing okay Because we don't like us We think something's fundamentally flawed in us mm-hmm And that's them that's the master narrative that we have to solve mm-hmm You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I think you're worth looking in the mirror and being happy with who you see Thank you I'm trying and you got a pretty wild Brady Bunch situation going on and it sounds like y'all are making do with the That in the best possible ways the fact y'all still like each other with all that chaos after 17 years is pretty impressive That means you all are intentional about your marriage No marriage is perfect for you are intentional Mm-hmm. Let's try to be yeah, I'm listening to you if I'm learning along the way All right, I'm gonna hook you up for a year with the together app. It's it's A an app that will continue to bring you all two back together and I also I'm gonna send you I want you and your husband to start practicing this weekly rundown Um, I made a pdf for it But it's just a thing that y'all can sit down once a week and to say how are we how are you? Where we got coming up this week? How can we love each other this week? And it's just a quick boom boom boom sometimes these meetings are five minutes sometimes they're 35 sometimes me and my wife would just talk for hours, but I'm gonna send both these to you because I'm think you're pretty awesome But the adventure I want you to go on with yourself and probably a mental health professional is And Why do I think so little of myself that I need my step-daughter's boyfriend's parents To approve of me I want to get to a place where I'm free of that chain that free of that shackle Because those people I want to be kind. They want to be a respectful adult. I want to be a good human being But they don't get a vote in my life Thank you for the call. We'll be right back What's up, Dr. John Delone here when was the last time you and your spouse got away? Just the two of you no kids no work no distractions just time to reconnect most couples can't remember That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the money and marriage getaway It's three days in Nashville to laugh together learn and grow with your spouse We have a weekend on sale right now October 22nd through 24th 2026 get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com/events or by clicking the link in the show notes All right, we're back Kelly. Can I tell you about a victory? I've had and then we can do the follow call please do So I told anybody this I think I may have told you a part of it So back in May I was quitting candy I haven't had a piece since May not one Not one gummy of any sort none And there's literally bags at my house. I don't know what happened. There was a switch that flipped That's impressive because I know you yeah It was a weird like I've heard about this happening people were like with smoking like they wake up one day like I'm not smoking anymore And I had a friend in high school is like or in college. He's like I'm just quit. I was like you can't just quit He's like I'm just anyway And then I think I'm up to 35 maybe 36 35 days ago. I was just farting around on the phone and Songwriter named Zach Teelander. I think his name is um He opened up for Chris Williamson on his tour He just posted. He's like I decided to run one mile for a hundred straight days And I was like that sounds nuts. I'm gonna try that And for the last 35 days. I've had times I get home like I drove 17 hours from across the country home I had to run at 130 the morning Like and sometimes get up the next morning at six and go again or five and go again and then I've lost so much thinking wait I my sleep score keeps it's annoying that it's been those two things and I really haven't changed anything else I have ice cream with my daughter at night last night. She couldn't sleep. I went into a room at 10 30 at night And she was still awake. I was like oh gosh. She's gonna be tough But I just snuck ice cream in there and I sneak it. It's my house. I I didn't tell my wife, but I brought ice cream in there and we just sat on her bed and laughed till late at night But like all to say is those two little things Like all my pants don't fit anymore. It's been a wild like hanging onto it. It has not helped me be on time, but other than that I'm seeing it mostly in that positive. I'm proud of you. That's pretty awesome Just a mile a day. I know and we'll work on the other stuff. I mean That's a problem for future us. We've been working on it for six years, but you know, it's fine So do you folks you just post random like here's what I've been doing for a hundred days on the internet? I don't know. I'm just saying like I always look like why people do that To Zach. Thank you, man. That was like a thing And it's I don't know. It's been a helpful anchor point for me Ta-da Congrats. I am. I'm pretty that's pretty cool because I mean that's pretty awesome Yeah, and I There you go. Okay, so what's the cool thing that happened? - All right, so this is from Kim. Kim actually called in in February of '24 about her relationship and they had some different lifestyles and priorities. So this is just a little bit of an update. - You know on our show that can mean so many things. - Of, I mean, like, - There's different lifestyles and priorities. - Yeah, none of them are great. - He's a vampire and I have a thing for giraffes or whatever, like whatever, like that can mean a lot. - Hold on, we have to have a chat real quick. - Oh, he said that, Jads. - What is your thing with giraffes? - I don't have a thing with giraffes. - I think you do. - That's Alex. - No. - Why do I? - I don't think you realize how many times you bring it up. - Okay, here's, here's like, if I'm honest, I did write a thing in the book about a giraffe, but giraffes are in my world. The wild things that end up on the show, pale in comparison to the calls I get in my real life or the weird situations I find myself in. I've yet to find somebody who identifies as a giraffe, has a thing for giraffes, has it? And so, it becomes an outlier for me. It becomes a thing that's way out there that can be just like a silly, like nobody's that far out. But the way you're looking at me, you might know somebody. - Well, I'm thinking might be you, because. - I'll change animals. - We, I mean, I don't think you realize the amount of God that was such a disturbing sentence right there, so disturbing. The amount of discussions and text threads that have gone around this team about your thing with giraffes. And memes. - I don't think I've never. - Oh, it's been brought up in multiple calls. - Giraffes? - Giraffes. So, and by the way, we're not doing this follow-up right now, we'll do that next show. - Along with my gummy candy, it will end today. - So we took a call months ago about a woman whose husband was, every time they had sex, it had to be theatrical. There was always a role play, a costume or something. - Did I mention giraffes in that call? - Multiple times in that call. You talked about wearing a giraff costume. - I think it was because I was trying to be so, like that I know isn't happening, hopefully. - I don't, I mean, I don't, based on some of the emails we get nothing shocks me anymore. Some people out there, you know, whatever, whatever, float your boat. - Yeah, exactly. But like, that's why giraffes, like such a, 'cause the, well, I don't even go there. I've gotten real questions about other animals. I've never gotten a question about a giraffe. And so that one is so abstract and out there, that's why I keep referring to it. That's why I used to refer to it. - Whatever you got to do to sleep at night, John. (laughing) - I was gonna say, nah, but that's the wrong animal. I don't know what, I don't know what sound a giraffe makes and I don't need to know. - Well, this ends my giraffe era, everybody. And if any of you show up in a signing line somewhere, or at a comedy club, and you hand me a giraffe sticker, no, no. - Yes, please. - No. - Yes. - Bye.