Caller: “I’m About to Marry a Man-Child”

"How do I stop presenting my fiancee for lacking basic adult skills without becoming his parent?" "Have you created a picture of "The Way Things Are Supposed to Be," or is he a man child whose mommy wiped his butt into his mid to late 20s? What up, what up, what up, this is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Man, I'm so glad you're with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, whatever you got going on. Glad that you're here, pull up a seat and we're going to figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and show note. The great and powerful Ben Hill is back on the board. Dude, it's good to see you, man. It's good to be back. Yeah, dude. Oh, no pun intended. Hey. Hey. There's 18 months of holaceous misery. Yeah. A herniated disc in the spine, got surgery for a few weeks back. It's new spine, new meme, man. Yeah, dude. It's so great. New back knew you. That's so awesome. You've been, you were telling me off air, you were selling most of your pain meds to Kelly, which is awesome because she's always hassling all of us for our meds and so it's so good. She's got a dealer right now. Yeah, I got the hook up. She's got the hook up. I saw you driving a new car out there that you must have gotten loaded up. That's so good, man. Dude, it's so good to see you back and glad you're feeling better, dude. We can't make all of our old jokes about you anymore, so we got to come up with new material. That's right. I'm sure you'll think of something. I'm not worried. I've been working on it for days. It's good. It's got the Grand Rapids Michigan and talk to Morgan. Hey, Morgan, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? I'm doing great. What's going on? What's going on? My question is, how do I stop presenting my fiancee for lacking basic adult skills without becoming his parent? You've boxed yourself in on that one, tell me about what's going on. So I love him very much. I know I want him to be my husband, and I think he'll be an amazing father eventually, but I just feel like there's certain skills, whether that be like cooking, cleaning, finances that he just was never really taught. And I don't want to be the one to teach him those things, but I just feel frustrated when I'm the one who has to do a lot of the cooking and cleaning and household things already. He's 31. So he's managed this far? How does he manage this far? Well, that's kind of a part of it before he and I got together. You wouldn't even make dinner for himself. But hold on, but he was living though, right? Yes. Yes. How is he living? He was figuring it out, I guess. So what I'm trying to get to is, have you created a picture of, quote unquote, the way things are supposed to be? And he doesn't do them that way. And so you're sitting on a pedestal looking and saying, you don't know how to do these things the way I think they should be done. Or is he a man child whose mommy wiped his butt into his mid to late 20s? And they took care of every bill and everything. And he doesn't know how to operate in the world. It's the first one, I would say. The first one. Okay, so tell me about that. I think maybe it's that I'm just controlling and I would rather just do it myself. I mean, that's a hard left turn from, he doesn't know, basic adult skills to, I'm actually really overbearing and kind of hard to live with, like, no, like that's a pretty, that's a pretty dramatic turn here. Where are you like in all honesty, where is it? I think it's he just doesn't know certain things and is like floundered and I also just would rather have things done than waiting and telling for him exactly what to do. Okay. Do you realize that you've set your self up, like your marriage to, but you've set your self up to be perpetually upset? I guess I could see how that would be the case. Because you've, it's like, I was having this conversation with my 16 year old. We just started driving and man, for a young man who could care less about a lot of things, he suddenly got in real political real fast with the price of the gas, right? And we always end up in the same place, which is you cannot go or you can pay for the gas, but being at home and being enraged at the gas prices doesn't, a, get you where you want to be and doesn't, like, be fixture financial situation and see, like doesn't impact the price at all. Yeah. Right? And so if you have away things you want them to look and it's hard to have this conversation because there's a baseline, right? There's like, he doesn't even bathe and he, he, he's off the front, well, that's kind of awesome. So I won't say that. But like, he doesn't wipe and he never uses deodorant, right? There's stuff like that that is like human, right? But if it is, it's, he grew up in a home where they never had family meals and every meal was everybody for yourself because his mom worked and his dad worked. And so he just grabs a frozen burrito and sits in front of the TV. Then what you're talking about is not, he's not an adult, it's, we have different values. And here's a picture of what I want our home to look and feel like. And if he says, I want that too, I want to marry you, then there's going to have to be some sort of level setting for, here's what this looks like and here's how to do this. Is that fair? Yeah, I think that's a really fair assessment, just like even with the, like his family didn't sit down and eat meals together every night. And I think I'm just, like I said, becoming resentful that there are certain things he just didn't know off the coffin just didn't have very supportive parents, I guess, in that way. So why choose, why choose resentment instead of, we get to co-create, I'll say this in an awful way that I don't really mean, you could look at it as he's just a lump of unmolded clay, or you can look at it as this is amazing, I have a lump of unmolded clay, I can co-create the perfect man for me, you know what I mean? That's a lot more positive way to look at it. Well, and my fear for you is like the, is the lens with which you're choosing to look at this. Cause let's take, let's take cluddliness off the table or dinner or the way he does or doesn't do dishes. And I've talked about on the show, like for years and call me gross, call me dumb, call me immature, whatever. I did dishes when I ran out of dishes, all right, when I found myself eating cereal out of a salad balls, like I should probably wash all the dishes and I would, I would sit there and do them all and then put them away. And my wife wanted them done every single night after dinner, wanted to wake up every morning to a clean kitchen. Now, I have come to love walking into a blank slate in the morning, it's one of my favorite things in the world. And I took her, like after dinner, her spending another 30 minutes in the kitchen as a rejection of me. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to go watch a movie. I wanted to like go, go for a walk, whatever. And she was in there cleaning kitchen and I took that as a rejection of me and she took my lack of help as a rejection of her and we just missed each other. Yeah. Once she's laid it out, like, hey, this matters to me. I, I can't sleep. Well, I'm like, dude, I'll, I'll help all day long. Whatever you need, I'm in. Right. And so, but it took getting to the thing beneath the thing. My concern for you is you have a pair of glasses that you wear that you see the world through which is something's being done wrong to you. That's a really interesting perspective. Is that, does that play out in other places? Um, I wouldn't say necessarily, um, I'm trying to think of, or let me ask you this question. Like, so dishes and dinner, that's, that's an easy one. Would you resent him if, um, he came from a place of childhood abuse and he struggled with emotional regulation? No, it would not. If his parents had never let him drive, ever, ever, and he was 31 years old and now we're getting married, he didn't know how to drive. Would you resent him for that? No. So, what is it about this, this thing that you hold dear? I'm trying to get to the thing beneath the thing because I feel like it's make, it's causing me more work and stress and like not being able to do fun things or, you know, so what, what is it about a kitchen that's not, what, what do you want to get done so that you can get to what? I think just like having the laundry done, having someone out there. help with stuff and take care of stuff so I don't have to worry about it. But I think after this conversation I'm realizing I'll probably worry about it no matter what and that this can be a way for us to connect better and say like what we want our house to look and feel like. So does he do laundry? How has he done laundry for 30, I guess not 31 years, but for the last 10 years when he's been on a zone, 15 years he's been on a zone. He uses a laundry mat person. So he's kind of like the you wait until you don't have anything left and then you go wash your whole laundry. Yeah and that too is just you know it's like how long do I let the stuff sit in the dryer for you know how long do I let like a hamper that the clothes haven't been folded like sit do I wait for him to do it or do I just do it myself even though I've asked him to do it. All right are you hearing I think you and I are having two different conversations but I think we're coming closer together. Do you hear the challenge that you've framed which is I am about to marry somebody who I think is not an adult yeah who doesn't have basic adult skills as you call them. And what I'm hearing is yes if he was the 31 year old guy and he's like dude I like to leave my laundry in a bat I would say like bro change your life right like like on the other side of this you're going to have a much easier like peaceful life at the same time like y'all you're talking about a difference in pictures of what you want your house to look like not a difference of moral or character failure you're giving them saying. Yeah that makes sense I guess I should have phrased that question better but that's kind of how I was viewing it. Well and it's important for you I'm glad that you I'm glad that you framed it that way because this isn't this is going to be is it going to show up if you all decide to have kids this is going to show up tell me about finances. What was your what how does he handle finances that that you think is not even like how adults should handle their money. I just think like not having certain investment accounts are just like not even being aware of how much he has in there like with stuff through work and you know his parents didn't help him set anything up and then too just you know he doesn't have a credit card which is like you know a good thing but just I don't either yeah I mean so like and I and I guess I guess I would love to see you love yourself and love him enough to not come at him with you're doing this all wrong and come at him with hey here's what makes me feel safe knowing exactly how much money I have in every account here's what makes me feel safe is knowing that when I can no longer work I'll have money put away in retirement funds that will keep me going you know what lets me put my hair down let's me drop my shoulders in the evening and become a fun the fun person I want to be is when all of the laundry is just up and away and that's different than you need to do your you need to fold your clothes because he's thinking no I don't I'll get him tomorrow yeah but if you say hey this is a way you can love me and he doesn't sign up for that then you need to start asking different questions about the state of your relationship is he a guy that if you said hey it helps me become the be be the fun person I want to be in that you love when there's no dishes in the sink would he be like oh sweet dude okay cool cheat code I'll get those knocked out or is he like I don't care you you would do it then I think if I phrased it that way if you like they should be done there you go that's huge if you would start approaching him with I statements and not you statements I would like it would make me feel loved it would be a blessing to me would be a gift to me versus you should you didn't I can't believe you never mm-hmm because he's looking around being like I've made it this far you know what I'm saying yeah absolutely absolutely if he was on the phone how would he describe you to me um very caring very committed um you know I probably am someone who overextends themselves as far as like commitments go um just you know wanting to be helpful to everybody and maybe volunteering too much for certain organizations that I think that's how he would describe me what are two or three things that you know about him that make him feel loved um I definitely think quality time together and then you know remembering certain things that the other person likes and you know I'm talking about I'm talking about him not both of you what are things that you know about him that you know makes him feel loved um I think when we do stuff with his family that makes him feel loved and um getting to spend like quality time together but I guess that's not something specific that makes him feel loved quality time might be that and here's what I'm getting at let's say that y'all spending time just laughing and carrying on together is his favorite thing he likes sitting on the couch with you watching TV he likes making out with you he likes going for walks with you in a strange way if you are constantly saying you need to be in you should of and I can't believe you didn't and when are you gonna finish those things that are important to you that make you feel loved they'll allow you to feel like I've got peace in my own home are in exact opposition to the things that he's looking for which is dude I don't care about the stupid laundry I want to be with you I don't care about the dishes in the sink let's go hang out yeah and if you can see it that way you got two people trying to love the other person the way they want to be loved does he ever does he not get on to you like in a dramatic way but does he ever be like dude quit doing x y z let's go yeah okay so in this is super common I don't want you to think anything is wrong with your relationship it's common that when there's distance or people are trying to connect they try to connect in the ways that they like to be connected with and so what ends up happening is that if it often furthers disconnection like hey let's just hang out and then my wife's doing the dishes and I'm like let's hang out and she's like doing the dishes even more and then I go get another drink out of the like I get another glass out of the thing I'm like dude I'm let's watch TV and we both end up moving further apart and she's like dude I'm trying to do the dishes so we can come hang out and I'm like why don't you put the dishes away so we can hang out and we end up further apart when we started instead of me getting to know my wife and know this is a path for her she knows me this is a path for me in some nights she just throws a towel in and plops down the couch and it's the best and sometimes I go in there and I do the dishes before the meal is over and it's the best but now I know I'm gonna love her the way that she and I'm gonna love her in a language she can understand in here and I'm gonna love her the way she likes to be loved and vice versa and it changes the whole temperature of your house so instead of this thing happening to you it's a thing you're actively participating in you know what I'm saying? Yeah that's a great shift to view it as and so here's what it means it means y'all clearing the deck and saying hey I want to get to know you which sounds bananas because he's your fiance do you all live together? yeah okay so it's you it you're gonna think I already know you and I promise you based on this conversation there's depths to it yeah right and it's not just what chores do you want me to participate in it is painting a picture of like your perfect evening from five to nine pm what when you walk in this door makes you go ah drop your shoulders and y'all both share that with each other and then you can say like hey how can I help you with this and you help me with that and then when's the last time you grabbed his face and you celebrated the crap out of him you know I don't know if I've ever done that to be honest so I want you to remember this line I want you to tattoo it on your spirit okay okay if a wife is not her husband's and if a husband is not his wife's biggest cheerleader somebody or something else will be okay and so if he was to do wash the towels and your first thought was your first words out of your mouth are it's about time or your first words out of your mouth are you didn't fold them right or you mean you watch that watch the beach towels with the with the bathroom towels and he's just like What? If that's your first response, then it's criticism and criticism is one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, according to the comments. If there's gratitude, not in a mommy petting his little boy on the head, and like, good job doing your chores, buddy, but you grab him by the face and say, dude, you did a dish like you took all the towels and that was a big time. Thank you. Or I see how hard you're working. Thank you. And I'm lucky to be about to spend the rest of my life with you. And for many, and I don't mean to gender this, but for many women I talk to, in your situation, they feel like if I celebrate my spouse, I'm losing something. I'll somehow make it okay that he doesn't do the dishes the way I want it done, or that he doesn't fill in the blank. And if you ever feel like you're losing ground, I want to tell you you've already lost. That means you're playing a me versus you game. Yeah, that's not a great way to start a marriage. It's not a great way to be in the middle of one either. I'm in the middle. You know what I mean? And everybody falls into scorekeeping. I've done all this and you've done all this instead of we are all doing this. So be honest about whether he is failing you in basic adult skills, or be honest that you have a picture of how you think the world should operate in, and his is different than yours. And the beauty of marriage is, y'all are both going to scrap your original pictures. You're going to build one together, which means we're not going to be judgey with each other. We're going to be curious. We're not going to say you know we're going to lead with eye statements, and we're going to get to know each other so well and celebrate each other forever and ever. Amen. Thanks for the call, Sister. Best of luck to y'all. Wish y'all a happy, long, forever writer, die marriage. We come back. A man asks how to make peace with an AI-driven future when he can't control what's coming. Ooh, this sounds like a phone call to myself. We'll be right back. Alright, we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is upon us. And you know how it goes. Every year as the calendar starts filling up, you tell yourself, I'm not going to let the holiday madness get to me this year. I'm going to slow down and actually enjoy the holidays. I'm going to actually be present, not just physically in whatever room I happen to find myself in. And then you're racing around the dinners, parties, kids' activities, its madness, and you're drained, and the holidays become a burden. I've done the same thing, but here's one thing I've learned. One of the best ways you can slow down and work on being present long before the holiday season hits is staying grounded in your spiritual life. 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All right, let's go out to Newark, New Jersey and talk to Dan, the man. What's up, Dan? Hello. I've seen you in Dr. John. What's up, my brother? How are you? I'm doing pretty well. What's up? All right. So in the last couple of weeks, there's just been so many headlines regarding superintelligence and its improving capabilities. How do I find peace in the face of changes I couldn't control and how do I remain grounded and focused on the immediate present and what's within my control? Man, I feel like you have been riding shotgun in my car for the past probably two years I've been behind the scenes on some stuff and I gotta be honest with you, Dan, I'm right here with you. I'm going to tell you what I think or what I'm doing in my life, but I also want to be honest, dude, I don't know. I don't know. I don't have a good answer for you. It sounds to me as a layman, as a guy who has never coded a line of code in his life. I would know, I barely know how the internet turns on. I don't actually know how the internet turns on. I just know my laptop turns on to this thing called the internet. It feels to me as a layperson that they're actively building a thing in the people building it or saying we don't know how this works and it's probably going to kill us and we're just going to keep building it. I honestly, in my guts, I don't understand it. I don't know why. I don't know who to believe. I don't know if one side is fear mongering. I don't know if I do believe the latest round of, I do, I don't know if they're suddenly calling all the alarms because these companies are going to do public IPOs, which means they're dollars and cents. Their actual burn rate on cash is going to be exposed and it's going to collapse the economy because everyone's gone all in on these few companies. I don't know if it's all going to converge into a singularity and we're all going, like, I read the call to crawler books. I don't know if it's going to take over everything. I don't know if this latest thing I heard a couple days ago from the head of, is one of the major players was like, we need to pause and that pause is going to cost us a whole bunch of money, a whole bunch of time, but we're about to cross a line that we can't come back from. I honestly, brother Dan, I'm so dumb, I don't know what that means because in my head, I keep thinking, well, just don't plug it and they're like, you can't unplug it. I'm like, yeah, but just unplug it and they're like, you can't unplug it. So I, dude, they've already lost me there. I don't understand what this means other than I can only control what I can control at my house. I'll tell you, I've got a 16-year-old son who's saying, asking me questions about dad, they're telling me there's going to be no jobs, there's going to be no college, there's going to be no nothing. Why do anything? And I feel at a loss, brother, because my parents gave me a path and if I had to go back, I probably would have changed a few things about that path, but they were so confident in the path they gave me. You will graduate high school. You will go to college. You will get a job. You will get married. And I was like, got it. I'm struggling on giving my son a path. And so here's what I'm telling my own child and here's what I'm telling myself. Can I position myself so that when whatever happens happens, I know the kind of man I will be in the face of it. So if I end up, if we as a society end up like Tyler Cowan thinks with insane growth over time, and this becomes the greatest boon to human history, and everybody wins with medical advancements and with more leisure time and it lets us drop this madness that we've been living in the last 100 years and go back to being human beings and hang it out together, what kind of man will I be in that situation? Well, it would be a good, kind, generous, loving, protective man in that situation. Or if it's terminator two and it's us versus the machines, what kind of man will I be in that? Who I'm going to be is the only thing I can control. So that means I'm going to be inquisitive, but I'm not going to follow every rabbit trail because they don't make sense to me. Yeah. Right. And there's too many trillions of dollars in IPOs and in, there's too much money at stake for me to believe anything. Yeah. Right. That's true. And so I have to stay informed. What does that mean? That means that I use an AI tool and I use it as a college professor. Say, I post questions and I argue back and forth, but the kind of person I want to be right now, given where this technology is, is I will never use it to write a single word if I'm going to put my name on it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it'll help me process ideas. It never gets tired. It never rolls its eyes at me if I ask a dumb question. That's amazing. Yeah. And if I, if you get something that says John Deloney wrote this, like a new book I'm putting out, not one word of that was written with AI because I feel dishonest to me. Right. And so that's the kind of person I want to be right now. And maybe in two or three years, the AI writing gets so good, then I mean, I'm obsolete. We're all like, it goes back to the thing, my buddy of mine once told me I was really hammering him. He's a finance guru and I was hammering him on the dollar like the packing of the dollars the world currency and what happens if this and then what if this moves and what this collapses and finally he looked at me and said, John, I don't have a meteorite plan. And I was like, what do you mean? And he said, if the world currency ceases to be the dollar, the US dollar, you think you're just going to get in your car and drive to your job the next day. That's not how that will work. And so he's like, I will put money in retirement. He's paid his house off, he's like takes care of his kids college, like he's, he's my age. He's been my buddy for 30 years. And he's like, if the world implodes, I will plan on dealing with that then. And that for whatever reason gave me a lot of peace. Like so, I don't have a post apocalyptic scenario plan, brother, I just don't, you know what I mean? Yeah. What's keeping you up at night the most? Is it the lack of plan, is it the speculation, is it just the scrolling, endless scrolling and reading and reading and scrolling? Yeah, I think it's just the algorithm does a thing and it's, you know, doom after doom after doom. And then just the unknown in general, you know, just things and anxiety around just a general unknown, like no one knows, you know. And so here's the, here's the hedges on playing, okay? page number one is wherever you happen to be, work your butt off to not owe anybody any money. Yeah. Wherever you happen to be, have friends that you regularly hang out with in person to do whatever. Yeah. I've had the busiest run of my entire professional life the last probably six months. And last week I took two days off, three days off out of the office out of recording shows and I flew with a couple of comedian buddies and we went to two Midwest states went to Oklahoma in Kansas. And we did stand up comedy shows for hack houses and it was a room full of people with no phones in the dark laughing our butts off with and at each other. And it filled me up because it's humanity man. It was people in a room sharing, having a shared experience. And so I'm hedging on people, I'm hedging on, I don't want to owe anybody. So if something gets sideways, who knows, right? And that may be a, maybe that's a stupid thing. Maybe I should be borrowing trillions of dollars and because we're not going to have to pay back anyway. I don't know. But I can only go back to what kind of man do I want to be. And then for you brother, I got to just tell you got to get off the internet. Yeah. No, that's, that's what I've been doing just off the internet. Let me escape the algorithm and just live life. But you have to be honest, Dan, you have to be honest, the algorithm plugs, it fills, it fills a need. It works. It's a numbing agent. And so you have, if you're going to delete it, which I make my living online, right? And I'm going to tell you, I think it'd be good to take a 60 day fast, just get off. And if something implodes in that time, I promise you'll know about it. But then you're going to have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of the life you have that you were numbing out from. Yeah. Are you married? No. No. Okay. You got kids? No kids. Okay. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. Can I just like old school, I dare you to go join a bowling league, a softball league, an adult soccer league, a chess club, a painting club, a, I guess, improv troop in your area, I dare you. Be at your house, only to sleep and to wake up and leave. And that will feel awkward and exposed. But the algorithm is feeding on your numbness. The fear is real brother, I'm with, I'm right here with you. And I have to know I can't, I can't do anything about it. And I'm heartbroken by it, I'm saddened by it. It feels like I'm like my feet and concrete and there's a tsunami coming. But maybe there's not one. I don't know. That's the problem. Yeah. And I got two, two young kids that I'm worried about. And at the same time, my worry doesn't solve the problem. And so I know what gives brings me peace is going to hang out with my friends, what brings me peace is going hunting with my son, what brings me peace is having a great evening with my wife, what brings me peace is getting my butt kicked in some card game with my 10 year old daughter, like helping my neighbor, those things bring me peace. You're right. You're right. Do you accept my challenge? No, I accept it. Yeah. There are a couple of things I've always wanted to do, so tell me a couple. I'm doing a ping pong league. Bro, do you have a surely there's a ping pong league in Jersey? Are you in? There are plenty of them, so I'll be looking against it with one as closest to me. Sure. Are you good at ping pong? Yeah. Pretty good. Please know college, uh, late after college, but then you know, work in life day in the way. This is life. Mm hmm. Bro, look, listen, listen, Dan, you'll be a legend in a hero. When you join this league, you take a picture of you and some of your teammates and you send it to us and I'll post it. And I want a shirt from your team that you sign up for and I'll wear it on the air. Well, I don't want to accept it. What else besides ping pong league? Uh, tennis league. Tennis league. Yeah. Terracid sports. You like pickleball too? Yep. Pickleball. Dude, get out there, man. Yep. Yeah, I'll be doing that. Promise? Promise. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Listen, listen, there's a fine line between Barry and your head in the sand and, um, protecting yourself from pollution. Yeah. And that's always going to be a fine line and I can, I find myself on both sides. But breathing pollution for the sake of breathing pollution is going to assure me that I, that I die. Yeah. And bearing my head in the sand is, is not what my community needs from me. It's not what my wife and kids need from me. And so it's always going to be a tricky balance. But right now I want you to err on the side of. Go live and go build an amazing life in the inside out. Yeah. And yeah, I, uh, I, I wish there was something I like to tell you, um, I just don't know. I don't know. You know, but what you've been, been saying makes sense, you know, a lot of things are out of my control and the things I can is who I am, you know, my character, um, about my friends think about me, you know, playing games with the people in my community. Um, and those are things that do bring me happiness and joy. So. And listen, this morning my alarm went off and I grabbed my phone and I went, almost went straight. I downloaded a game, which I never have on my phone. I downloaded a game. I've been traveling a lot. So I downloaded a game to sit in the hotels with. And I grabbed it and started to start playing this morning, which violate, do my friend with her brooks would just slap me upside the head. And I had to say out loud, go be with your family. And I dropped a stupid phone back on the floor it was, and I went and hung out with my wife and kids. So I don't want you to think this is easy, and I want you to think I'm perfect. I struggle with this on a regular basis. The guys who designed these devices are good, man, they're better than me. - Yeah. - But that means I have to be extra intentional about taking ownership of my time and who I'm going to be regardless of what happens. So in the face of the internet goes down forever and we're back to having to borrow a motor from our neighbor, what kind of guy am I going to be then? And if I have to start growing vegetables in my front yard, what kind of neighbor am I going to be then? And if suddenly every need we ever had has taken away and the rest of our life is playing soccer and softball leagues because we have robots running around fixing everything, what kind of man am I going to be then? And so build the life that you want to live. And make sure it's full of action, enjoy, and other people, and laughter, and challenge, and hard stuff, and bro. Join a ping pong league and dominate it. Run shop on it, brother. Thanks for the call. We come back, a woman asks how she and her husband can prioritize their marriage when they're exhausted, busy, and have almost no help. We'll be right back. Here's something most people don't think about. You wake up a little stiff, a little tired, and you figure, that's just how sleep is nowadays. But the truth is, you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10 or 15 or 20 years that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is. And it may be while you're not sleeping well. And I got to say this too, old mattresses get gross. Now is the time to finally get a new mattress and switch to Helix. 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That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/delony, or click the link in the description. With Helix better sleep, starts right now. All right, Hartford, Connecticut. Let's talk to Anne. Hey Anne, what's up? - Hey, how are you? - I'm all right, how are you? - I can't complain. - Yes, you could, you'd be like Kelly, but you could. - So listen, that's the same. Nothing, so I am calling 'cause my husband and I are in our early 30s and we have, well, we're about to have our third kid in three years. - Whoa. - Yeah, and we are, I get I'm wondering how we can prioritize our marriage specifically versus just prioritizing family times when we both are really busy and don't really have a lot of outside help to kind of do the whole date night for things like that. - Gotcha. What, and you mentioned it with date nights, when you say quote unquote work on your marriage, what do you mean? - Yeah. - Compare me a picture of that. - Sure, we have a, we have a really good marriage. We, I think are great at prioritizing our family unit. I think both of us struggle with like smaller steps to prioritize us in terms of connecting or just finding time to just be together because we're both so busy. So you've, you used some great, I'll call them counselor ease language. What do you mean by connecting? You miss just sitting on a couch watching TV. Do you miss being able to make out whenever you want to? Y'all are on the ones a year plan and it's working great. - Yeah. (laughing) - Like what, like what do you, when you say connecting, what do you mean? Is it feel like y'all are just roommates running tasks to task? Well, paint me a picture of what connection means to you. - I think sometimes it feels like, so okay, my husband, he works probably around between 60 and 70 hours a week. So when he does come, when he is home, it's, you know, an hour before the kids are going to bed. So we really try to have him analyze time with them and we'll spend family time and then, you know, I've been with the kids since all day. So at the time when they get bigger and they're bad, we'll lay in bed and typically one of us will sleep within 20 minutes. So I guess I just miss, and I would say he misses it too, but we both are kind of like, we have no idea what the next step would be. I guess we both have kind of missed, maybe having energy. - Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, for sure. - I say his connection looks different than mine. I am more like, I like to talk and I can talk things to death if I wanted to. I think he is a little bit more simple where. - Just shut up and let's make out. - Yeah, we're shut up and let's make out. We're falling asleep to a movie and he's just as good. - Yeah, yeah. - And so I think that, or I'm just being able to just say, hey, do you wanna go to the driving range and just go and hit some golf balls and say, we can't do that right now. So just finding ways to be able to, even if it is only for a half hour, 'cause that's all we can give each other at the moment to make the time that we have feel more intentional, I guess. - There you go, okay. All right, so I've got good news and bad news. What do you wanna hear? - I'm both. - Okay, I'm both, okay. I'll lead with the bad news first, okay. And by the way, it's not bad news. I'm gonna say it pretty direct. If we were, if we were just hanging out having nachos and I had an hour or two with you, I'd be much gentler in how I said this, but I'm just gonna be pretty abrupt, okay? The marriage you had doesn't exist anymore, it's over. - Right. - And there, anytime there's an ending, even if it's a good ending, it's a necessary ending as my buddy Henry Clark calls him. It still comes with grief. I'm sad this doesn't exist. - Yeah. - Remember when, dot, dot, dot, dot. Those will always be a part of you, the good stuff, the tough stuff, the boring stuff, whatever. - Right. - But it's over. And you all are in a season right now where even planning on like, I always tell couples, clear the deck, your marriage is over, what do you want it to look like now? Here's the challenge where y'all find yourselves, and this is I guess would fall under the bad news category, but it's not bad news, it's just an "is", right? Is every three months for the next three years, you're gonna have a different marriage. - Yeah. - 'Cause one kid's gonna be peeing everywhere, and one kid's gonna be still in diapers, and then another kid's gonna be setting something on fire, and then another kid's gonna be throwing up and need an eye doctor appointment. And so there's something about intentionally understanding, it is winter. And we wanna be outside at the beach, and we want to be outside in the sun, playing catch, or hitting golf balls, we can't, 'cause there's 14 feet of snow outside. And so we're in our winter coats. That's the season we're in. And it's dark outside. And so, people from millennia have figured out what to do in that world, right, when it's winter. And so what y'all have to do is instead of pining away for, why isn't it summer, why isn't it summer, when it's spring coming, it is, how can we make the best possible winter now? I'll tell you, it was about probably a year ago, when my wife was giving me a hard time. We've had family movie night on Friday nights for years, okay? And it sounds like they're similar to what has emerged in your home. I loved them. I can't tell you, but maybe one or two movies I've seen in the last 10 years, when it comes to all in family movie night, 'cause the moment my family's in a huge pile in the couch, and somebody hits play, I'm out. - Yeah. - I'm dead asleep. And my wife was giving me a hard time about it, not in a mean way, we're just laughing. And I told her, way more important than the movie is, Having all of my family in a big pile on the couch is the time when my body finally goes, everybody say, "Foom, we're out." Yeah. And so it wasn't that I was falling asleep because I didn't want to be with her. I was too tired to be with the kids. It was, my body was like, "Job done today, well done, brother." And so that, me falling asleep was the greatest signal I could send to my family that I love them. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. And is that ideal for her? No. Right? I mean, to watch whatever movie they've got on, like, "Yeah, this is a good one, whatever, cool. I'm out." Right? Right. But all that to say is, there will be a season when the best we can do is hold hands until one of us falls asleep, and that might be four minutes in. Right. And that doesn't mean something's wrong with your marriage, and that doesn't mean that you don't want it to be different as soon as possible. It's just not that way right now. Yes. Yeah, that's true. And, can I lean on you for a bit? Yes. You have a die hard responsibility to get some women friends in your life. I have some. Do y'all hang out? It has weight. Is it somewhat regularly? No, we hang out about three or four times a week, because we all have to get the same age. Awesome. Okay. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. They're great. They're all kind of in that same boat I have a friend who has been deployed. I have friends who has been, you know, blue collar. All of our husbands are very like, we see them at six in the morning. We don't see them again until seven at night and tell me about your husband's work schedule. Why is he working seven hours a week? So my husband works full time. He owns his part on our business. And then he is a high school football coach on the side, which right now is, you know, pretty much another full time job, right. And then he, we have a homestead business and currently, um, the biggest, I mean, he, he mainly does all of that because I'm pregnant and can't really, you know, be in there. That one firewood and all of that stuff. So he's doing that on the side, which he puts in about another 15 hours a week doing that. Yeah. Um, yeah, he's amazing. Everything he does is genuinely for the beneficial of our family, maybe, maybe do you all need all of those dollars and cents to make it? I wish I could say no, but we do. Okay. Well, and so I, and I also, I've worked part time. Oh, good. Oh. Yeah. So I'm with my kids, you know, 95% of the time and the very little help that we do have comes from my mother and she's amazing, and she takes our kids on the one day week. I'm actually, I'm a therapist, I work for myself. Awesome. So, yeah, I'm a trauma therapist. So I can't have my kids here when I'm taking clients for sure. So I do that on the one day week where she can. So I have like all of my clients back to back to back, one day a week. And that's when she takes them and she's amazing, but she also like rearranged her schedule so that she works weekends so that she can take our kids during the week when I had work. And yeah. So I wish I could say no, he doesn't have to do all of those side things, but he does. It's just kind of an added benefit that he does also enjoy doing it. Okay. And here's what I want y'all both to be careful of, and this is just me, this is 100% my bias here. I started working 80, 90 hours a week after my son was born because I felt like a failure at my house. Yeah. And I knew one way I could help my family is to put more money in the direct deposit. And we didn't have a serious conversation about how much money it actually takes to run this household and what is me being around more look like and what does, well, if I didn't have the language to talk about any of that stuff, right? And so she needed more help. I didn't know how to give the right kind of help. And so I went this way and she went that way. Yeah. And so if y'all are in a season where you've married a incredible man, and this is for a suddenly and overnight family of five, we need this much money for eggs and groceries and gas. And that guy's not scared of hard work. That's awesome. If it is dollars and cents, if he was on the phone with me, I might lean on him and say, dude, I still to this day am a product of a few of my football coaches who leaned into my life. They changed my life. And for the amount of hours he's putting into that, he could make a million more dollars if he were into Starbucks. And so when it comes to in the winter season, we all want to be doing all kinds of stuff. I would challenge you is seeing six trauma clients and then being back to while you're creating a third human and then having to basically live in to completely dysregulated miniature human beings. Like is that is that is the dollars you're earning there worth the expense of time, energy, emotional, drain, right? And if it is awesome, if it's not, it's like part of that or marriage is over as you and your husband swipe in the deck and saying, right, how much money do we actually need? You look at him saying, I love you more than life itself. And I love seeing how happy we are about football and we have three babies and I need you home more. Or not even neat. I want you home more and so and he hopefully will be have his be sad because he misses football but also be in live and by he's got a way more important group that he's coached in a way more important purpose now than scoring touchdowns. He's not got a purpose of like honoring and loving his wife and his three new kids and those are all uncomfortable conversations that have. Yeah. What's great is like you can take my oldest son with him, my football and we know him. Which is like a special thing for them. It's definitely one of the things where I think both of us when we found out we were as pregnant with our third kind of look and say, okay, I think we have to re-evaluate especially next year when there's going to be, you know, and almost for a year old and almost three year old and almost one year old. Yes. And it y'all is going great and you'll be pregnant again. So there you go. Oh gosh no. But okay, but so I think the thing I want the only thing I want to caution you to on is thinking that somehow y'all are broken. If you keep, I'll send you a year's worth of the together app and it'll give you all an action item for each other every day. Okay. And it's got modules for communication and for conflict and those things pop up like I'll send it to you for a year for free. And it's simple as waking up and saying, how can I love you today? And it might be something small like, will you just please go wash every clothing item in this house? Please, God please, it'll be like, got it, right? And, and you say, how can I love you today? And he says, I know you're nine, ten years pregnant right now, but can we just hug for 30 seconds? I just miss my wife and you're able to, there's a baby crying somewhere and there's a something on fire and you're like, I'm going to hug my husband for 30 seconds. Yeah. Right? It's that, it's the, it's not the time, it's the intentionality of it when you're in the winter. Yeah. And it's trying to love each other in a way that somebody else wants to be loved, not in the way that you wish you were being loved in that moment. Yeah. And I feel like that's sometimes where we both struggle. Sure. Well, and that's, that's like y'all getting to know each other again over and over. I used to, I, I thought that I would just get to know my wife and I would know her. She's the same person I've been with for 30 years. She's like on version 20 of herself. Yeah. And now my favorite, I feel like I'm dating somebody new most of the time. Right. And that's kind of awesome. Yeah. And so there's a constant, hey, we got ten minutes. Do what are three funny things you've thought of? What are three new bands you listen to? What are two podcasts you listen to? Like what are, well, you're out doing whatever. Will you explain to me one, you're only at one. What is your favorite football play and why? Like and let him just be like, what? Yes. And tell you all about it, right? And at the same time, hey, can I tell you three things that I'm scared about 20 years from now? And he'll be like, I got you, babe. But it's those small levels of intentionality. But just don't quit going back to the well. Okay. And I wish I had a better answer for you other than spring is coming up promise. Yes. No, it's I think just being reminded of intentionality and I think in an age where comparison, I think we compare ourselves to a lot of people. I think that's hard for us. Um, dude, you're married, you're a trauma therapist married to a blue collar slash football coach slash homesteader slash, um, probably the best marriage communication skills I've heard in a long, long time. Y'all are, y'all are crushing it. Thank you. Y'all are setting the standard for how to still have some sort of humanity in all of this chaos, which is three kids, three and under. Thank you. And I know that doesn't make you feel any better because it doesn't solve the problem, which is I just missed my husband. Right? Like, it's just me telling you like, yeah, this isn't is for a while. Yeah, I can't change it. And so we're going to be intentional about what we can own. And if it's 10 minutes, if it's five minutes, if it's 50 little bit of things, that's what we can know. And you're going, I'm tell, God, some of us annoying thing old parents can tell new parents. It's the, it's the longest, quickest season of your life. It goes so stinkin fast. And it feels like a billion years when you're in the middle of it. And so, um, yeah, y'all are on a ride now, three kids, man, you're going to have a 17, a 16 and a 15 year old. Oh, man. I hope I still have a show then. I hope AI hadn't taken my show by then because you'll be for sure calling, um, but man, I'm so excited for y'all. You're doing the right thing. Hang on the line here. We'll get up with it together app. Keep you and your husband connected over the next few years in the chaos. It's been an honor to talk to you. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by better help every year. You tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently. You're going to stay calm or you're going to feel more peace, but then the same old patterns show up, the same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries. And you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions. And you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform with more than 30,000 licensed therapists across its network. This means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season, help you develop a plan, or help you with whatever your needs and goals are. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. If you thought about trying therapy with BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide through participating providers, and eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session. Listen, you know what's coming. This year you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to BetterHelp.com/Deloney to check out your payment options. That's BetterHelpHELP.com/Deloney or click the link in the description. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right. Before I start, I want to tell people again that we are now doing voicemails on am I the problem. So if you haven't am I the problem and you want to call in, we will be playing your voicemail on the air. So be okay with that. Ben probably doesn't know that this is happening. I'm just learning about that. That's fine. I just saw you shake off the percussette fog a little bit and be like, what? I just always face turned and look at me like we're doing what. I think we'll be playing your voicemail on the air so be okay with that. That's right. Ben doesn't know. He hasn't been here. Well, hey, Ben, we're doing am I the problems voicemails. Like right now? No. We're asking people to send them in. Okay, okay. Yeah. I didn't have a channel ready for that. No. Okay. That's fine. We'll work on the logistics of it later. All right. So, but people, what you want to do is call in to 844-693-3291 and leave us a, am I the problem? Give us a name, a location, I don't care if it's real or not. Tell me right up front. This isn't a mind the problem. So, we know immediately what we're listening for. Keep it to less than a minute and make sure it is a question that we can talk about without a lot of context. Just, you know, y'all listen to enough of these. You know what we're looking for. Yes. And if you don't give us enough context, we will make it up and it will be awesome. And you won't like it. And there will be no giraffes. All right. So, Kelly. There will be giraffes. All right. Anywho. So, this isn't a mind the problem with an mind the problem. That sounds very inception. Go for it. All right. So, this is from Maria in Dayton, Ohio and she writes, hi, this isn't a mind the problem about my response to an mind the problem. So, people have a problem with our mind the problem response. Yes. On the 826 episode, there was an mind the problem about a 25 year old sister wearing swimsuits that the writer called to revealing and asked if they were a problem for wanting to talk to her about wearing a more modest swimsuit on a family vacation. Do you remember that one? I do. Okay. So, let me remember what I said. Very quick context. I think I said for sure, as Kimpy is bathing suits as possible. No. No. The context that we, there are the real quick little synopsis. This woman emailed in and she said they're about to go on a big family beach vacation. Lots of kids going to be involved and little sister who's, you know, inner 20s wears next to nothing on the beach. Just likes to display the goods. All of it. And so, she said, am I the problem for wanting to have a conversation with her about, hey, this is a family vacation in front of the kids, could you not? Yes. And you and I both said, no, there's no problem with her talking to her sister and saying, hey, come on. Yeah, this is a family vacation. For sure. There we are. All right. I've had to do that with you coming over to my house where I'm like it's like Kelly, come on. Anywho? Not true. So she said, I figure John would say yes, that the writer was the problem and to mind her own business and let the sister be that she's not hurting anyone with her clothing choices. I was stunned by both John and Kelly's responses agreeing with the writer that she should ask her sister to cover up on the vacation. It seems like if this was such an issue for her, rather than making it her sister's responsibility to, did it would not be her sister's responsibility to make her comfortable? Am I the problem for thinking that the writer is the problem in disagreeing with John and Kelly? Y'all both give great advice, especially Kelly. So I'd love to hear some more thoughts on this discussion. I have one thought. You are 100% the problem for thinking that we were wrong about who's the, am I the problem? So I still agree with our original response. I think that the writer is right to say, hey, this is family vacation. Now she can't control what the sister does, but can you dig a little into that? Why in this case? Because a lot of times we do say you can't control what other people do, but your response, but all you control is your response. So what makes this scenario a little different? I still, I think the logic train still goes down that same track. The one curveball that this, what's this woman's name? The road in this type is Maria. Maria. The one curveball that Maria added to this, which I think is her bringing her suitcase to this situation. Suitcases of fancy way of saying her baggage to this thing is framing it as older sister wants to talk to younger sister because older sister is uncomfortable. And I remember that last conversation as older sister is less about her feeling uncomfortable and more about, there's so many kids out here. And that's what I want to, that's what this conversation's about, right? So in a totally different context, if I do, I have tons of friends who are some of the greatest men on planet earth and they swear like a sailor. If they came to my house, like when I'm with them, they didn't bother me at all. It's like, it's great. But when you're, if you're around my 10 year old daughter, I would say, hey, don't swear like that. That's not about me being uncomfortable. That's about me honoring my 10 year old. Like I don't want her head filled with that kind of stuff, that kind of language, right? As she's 10, I've never had somebody ever be like, really? That's just me, bro. And so they would be like, oh God, yeah, for sure, sorry, sorry, sorry. And so that is how I'm hearing this. And so that's her controlling what she can control, which is, I'm responsible for these kids. And I'm asking you to take one for the team. Then how come when we had our Deloni show family pull party, you insisted on wearing your speedo? Because I look incredible. And you forgot when we went to Vegas, you bet me $50, I wouldn't get an I love Kelly Bulls I tattoo on my lower back. And I did. And I wanted to show everybody. And you got a tram stamp, you got to show it off, you got to show it off. I can't, I would, I would show up Bucknake and probably show up in a speedo. I think a speedo is more disturbing than just the actual, just, here it is. Okay. So the picture I sent you the other day, the one that you said that it was the worst I got sent to you a long time. Yeah, I had to go, I had to go get like, I surgery, so all my rods and codes burned down. I sent John a picture of the guys from ACDC and we're both huge ACDC fans. So this is the original lineup with Bonscott. They're all like 19. Oh yeah, this was early ACDC. So Bonscott was the only one that looked like he was in his 40s, but he always looked that way. So fine. So this is prior to 1982. I say this is probably late 70s. - They're teeny tiny men. - Oh, very teeny tiny, especially the young brothers. - Yeah. - So when I think like AC/DC, I'm like, these guys. - They're rock gods. - And they're five one, one, oh five. - In this picture, they're on the beach. Okay, so when you picture your rock gods, black Angus is in his school boy uniform. That's what you want from AC/DC. So it's his picture and they're all in their swimwear on a beach, probably in Australia, and it was Malcolm is in the teeny tiny, his little feet down. - All this swimsuits together, if you sewed them all together, it would be one leg of my swimsuit. - Yeah, even the shorts were shorty, shorty, shorty shorts. - They were short for your standards. - And they were all skinny, 'cause they're all, like they're teenagers and they are all so scrawny skinny. It is the most unrot god photo ever, ever. It looked like four kids just got kicked out of the local, like suburban pool. And they're like, "Oh, mate." - For 12-year-olds, dude. - Yeah, for nine-year-olds, yeah. Got in trouble. - It's a super-bots god who looked like somebody's dad. And I sent it to John because I was like, I can't be the only one that has seen this. I have to have someone else that has seen this. And all I got back was, this is the worst thing you've ever sent me. (laughing) - Yeah, so I, Marie, I love you. I'm glad you listened to show. I'm not super thrilled that you said, Kelly gets great advice. But other than that, I'm glad you're on a gang. But I will never have a problem with somebody saying, "Hey, I'm trying to honor my kids here. I'm trying to take care of the young people here." Could you dot, dot, dot, you can say no. And you can choose to be offended by that. If, if, I was like, man, I don't have big muscles, so Ben, will you put a shirt on 'cause it makes me feel less than that would be my problem. And that would be ridiculous. But in this situation, yeah, I think it's, it's teaching a, someone in their early 20s, there's a time in a place. There's a time in a place to go to the beach and let it all hang out and do your thing. And there's also a time where I'm failing vacation and we're all gonna up our game a little bit. There's a different cadence and a different thing to this cultural interaction. So that's my thoughts. You think I'm right? - Oh yeah, 100%. Thank you, Marie, appreciate it. Thank you for the compliment that I do get good advice better than John usually. And thank you for willing to be wrong on front of the world. Let it guys, bye.