Caller: “I Don’t Know My Husband Anymore”

brought to you by my friends at churchill mortgage if you're looking to buy or refinance check them out i've used churchill and they are great go to churchillmortgage.com my husband and we both met in the service and they said that he had like an addictive personality disorder he's addicted to just like collecting things sex is another thing that if i can't give it to him he has to have it and it's just like i felt like it's ruined our marriage what's going on this is john with the dr john deloney show kelly listen it happened today i've been waiting for this to happen it happened i am real nervous about whatever's coming today's first day of school for my fifth grader and i got two to lewd two to lewd barbecue that's a funny thing showy says to me but we got up to the door and she was with her friends oh but she let you take her to the door so that's still something it took a lot it was a lot to go to the door and we got there and she's like okay and i played it cool man dagger to the soul hey like i said you still got to the door i got a half hug though which is so you got like a side hug kind of thing pretty much like uh like a macy's day parade but because next year it's gonna be uh can you drop me off a block away yeah kind of why can't i take the bus and yeah my friends i'll take the bus will you just move yeah could you never act like you don't know me because how about you go to another country just send money right oh toodaloo barbecued god i can't believe it man hey i don't even know how how do we start this show oh hey well i'm glad that you're here i'm just having a moment on the show that's what we're talking about parenting mental emotional health relationships marriages whatever you got going on in your life pull up a seat and if anyone wants to call it and try to make me feel better that it happened it happened no matter how hard i try i'm still just a dad yeah they come back they do yeah but they i you know what they are going to come back but i'm just going to tell them the money will be there when you come back but not in between whatever i know whatever all right let's go to jacksonville florida and talk to sarah hey sarah what's up hey how's it going doing all right how are you i'm good good i just wanted to start off by saying that i really appreciate what everybody does i like everyone on the cast there because dealing with mental health you know is not easy and you as people human beings you deal with your own things every day and you're out here helping other people with their problems and i really admire that well thank you so much sarah i'm grateful that you're with us what's going on yeah so um i guess my question is really is that if um i am making the right decision by leaving my husband um even though he struggles with addiction and um basically just trying to be faithful so uh my husband and i we both met in the service and um some time ago and we're talking about like 2014 they said that he had like an addictive personality or addictive personality disorder and some um um compulsive disorder or something like that yep so that has made like a a big um effect on our marriage so there's been like lots of fighting and stuff like that and i'm really stuff like that, because things are not perfect in the way that he needs it. And mind you, I work full time and we have three children together. And I've constantly caught him in infidelity. He's addicted to just always collecting things, like cars. He has four trucks that he'll get over that. And now he's like into motorcycles and collects all the motors. But it is like excessive, you know, and it's been a big, big problem. And sex is another thing that he just like, if I can't give it to him, he has to have it. And it's just like it's I felt like it's ruined our marriage. I'm going to give you some context and then I'm going to kind of lay out some ground rules I have for myself. OK, when somebody gets a diagnosis. Of any sort, I'm not going to say that, not of any sort, but of most sorts. OK. What that is, is a roadmap. It's a destination point for where somebody is going to have to put in a ton of work and effort. It is not. A free pass. I also years ago had. Multiple clinical diagnosis. It was not an excuse to cheat on my wife. It's not an excuse to put my family into financial ruin with my projects. It wasn't an excuse to be abusive with my language just because my wife didn't do exactly what I wanted her to. What it was was a. Clear path of what I needed to work on so that I could show up and be the husband that she deserves. Right, right. So if you're. If you are diagnosed with addictive personality disorder, I have to go back and check the DSM. I've heard of substance abuse disorder, but it's been a long time since I've dug into that stuff. So, but let's say that is, let's say that's a thing. That doesn't mean that you get a lifetime pass on on addiction. Right. That means you have a lifetime of really working hard on sobriety. If you have compulsion disorders, of which I've had. That doesn't mean you just get to buy whatever you want, do whatever you want, and everyone in the whole world has to follow you. That means I got to go do some work. Right. And so it's a context, not an excuse. Got it. It's a reason your body responds to genetics and environmental stressors, things going on in your life. To. All sorts of things. But it's not a, it's not an excuse to just run roughshod over everybody closest to you. Right. And so my ground rules are, except in very rare situations, I don't tell people to leave their marriage. You've got to own that. Right. I will tell you, I believe with all my heart. That you're worth being in a marriage. Where you're not being cheated on and your physical health isn't being put on the line. God knows how many times. Right. You're worth being in a marriage with somebody you can count on. Right. You're worth being in a marriage with somebody who you can anchor into as much as they can anchor into you. Right. But you have to own the decision to leave. Yeah. I left already. Okay. Because I kind of had my. My breaking point. I just had a mastectomy for cancer and my mom just passed away from cancer. So it's kind of like everything has been hitting the fan at once. And, you know, I had a conversation with him about, you know, because I listen to your show a lot. I said, okay, I need transparency, a roadmap. You know, actions are everything. And, you know, your actions mean everything. And it's not just. It's not just words anymore. We have to do this. And it was just like I caught him. I looked. He was just like, fine, you know, that he was going to do it. But when I saw I felt like I just gave up off of that one day. But even though it's actually been years, I don't know. But but this time I actually gave like a roadmap, like I had an actual roadmap. I had a plan. And but the very next day I saw that he had deleted message from a female. And it wasn't nothing bad. It was just like, you know, he was reaching out to her, but he deleted it. And for me, I felt as if like that was already a betrayal so quickly. And I I left. I couldn't anymore because I just had so many things in my life that's been going on. So let me say this here. You're not crazy. Okay. I hate that you're going through this. You're in a. Season of hell. Oh, yeah. And the beauty of doing life with somebody who's ride or die with you is that you don't have to go through hell alone. Yeah. And you've been going through it alone. I'm sorry. Yeah. It's not supposed to be like that. Yeah, it's totally lonely. You know, he moved me here and I'm. Yeah. Well, I chose to move here with him and I have no family. And I finally moved my mom here and she died. Yeah. So the heartbreaking question I'll ask you is what are you going to do next? Well, um, I have a place, I mean, we're cramped here, but you know, How old are your kids? 17, a male, 14 female and, um, nine year old male. And then plus I have my brother. Um, he, he's a, uh, my mom adopted him when he was a baby, but he's my brother. He's an adult. He's 21. And he helped take care of my mom a lot while, um, while I was down because I couldn't do it anymore. Cause I would, you know, I was having treatments and my mastectomy and stuff like that. Where was your husband in all of this? So, uh, well, no, no, no, hold on, Sarah. I, I want to, I want to press you on something. Okay. Yeah. I want you to stop defending him for a second. Okay. Stop. You've been defending him for years. Stop. When you were diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go have a mastectomy, where was he? And if, if you tell me any place other than right next to you, holding your hand, I'll tell you straight as direct as I can. He failed you as your husband, period. Um, well, he was, he did take the time off and he was with me. He was home with me, I think for like two weeks. Okay. And then he went, yeah. So then, then he went back to work. So he was there for me. Okay. So what are you going to do next? Yeah. Um, I, I, I think I'm, well, I'm, I already have the divorce papers and I'm just moving forward. I just really, you know, want to make sure that I, that I didn't give up too quickly because of that text message that I found. Cause he told me it was nothing, but in my heart, I felt like it was a door opening to something. If not, he would have never deleted it. Um, but my plan is, since you're saying I'm not crazy, my plan is just to move forward and, you know, sell everything and we'll have the kids 50, 50. Okay. And so I want you to metabolize that. That's going to mean you're going to have to make a budget for your new household based on your income. Yeah. And that means you're going to, like, I want, I want you to, I want you just to make a, make a path from, um, in the same way you gave him a roadmap. Here's what loving me looks like. Here's what I want. Yeah. And he immediately walked out and did something different. Right. Right. And, um, I want you to give yourself that same roadmap. Okay. And I want you, it's going to sound nutty. You can't, you can't, if you're, if you run a restaurant or if you're working in a restaurant, you can't fill up all of your customers' water glasses unless your pitcher's full. Right. So I want you to ask yourself, what must be true for me to be well so that as a newly found single mom, I can take care of these three kids. I got a 21 year old crammed in here too. Right. What must be true? You're going to have to get some help and support and some friends. You just can't do it by yourself. It's too much, which means you're gonna have to do something you probably don't like to do, which is ask for help. What does taking care of your physical health look like post-mastectomy? What does taking care of your mental health post being with somebody who's just disregarded you for so many years? What's taking care of your mental and emotional health, just processing that your mom passed away? I want you to be in service to you first so that you can be in service to all these other responsibilities that you have. Right. Right. Mark, I'm trying to work on myself so I can be there for the kids. And if you'll do me a favor, the favor is really for you. But do it for me, if nothing else right now. Right. Don't work on yourself like you're an old car engine that needs to be repaired. Right? Honor yourself. Right. What are some ways I can love myself so that I've got a full picture to serve these three kids and my brother and my full-time job? I feel like I don't know what that looks like. Because it's the same. If I don't work on myself like a car, I really wouldn't understand. I guess that's something I've got to reach deep inside and figure out. Because I don't know. It's a tiny shift in language that you'll end up on a different trajectory. If you wake up every day opening your eyes thinking you're broken, that's an exhausting way to live. If you wake up every day and you open your eyes, and your first thought is, I'm worth an hour this morning. I get to go exercise. I get to go call a counselor. I get to go make breakfast for my kids. Or, even better, your 17-year-old, I get to eat the breakfast my 17-year-old makes. Because he makes breakfast on Monday, and my daughter makes it on Tuesday, and my youngest son makes it on Wednesday. And Wednesday, because he's nine, that's not a great breakfast. That's not a great breakfast. But it's a breakfast, right? And I get to watch my kids slowly develop into adults. Right. Because I'm worth that. And by the way, they are too. I'm worth sitting down and writing my mom a long, long letter telling her how much I miss her. Yeah. I'm worth writing my body a letter. Which is what I recommend for folks who are on the other side of cancer. Telling your body how grateful you are for it. And also telling your body how pissed off for they tried to kill you. And telling your body how you're going to honor it and take care of it moving forward. And you're going to ask it to do the same. Try to take care of you, right? All of this is from a position of strength. Mm-hmm. From a position of, for the first time in your life, Sarah, I want you to look in the mirror and say, I'm worth feeling well in my own skin. I'm worth not wondering if my husband's out sleeping with somebody else. I'm worth getting home and not feeling good. And not having on top of not feeling good, shame piled that my husband's demanding sex and it hurts. I don't feel good. Mm-hmm. And somehow, I feel like I'm the wrong one here. Right. Right? So it's less about having to dig deep and it's more about not waking up every day saying I'm somehow malfunctioning. But it's saying, no, my body's working pretty good for the situation it's in. And now my spirit is going to start emerging. And I'm going to do things that I've wanted to do. I'm worth doing things I've wanted to do. I've got a lot of responsibilities with three, five kids now and with a 21 year old. And by the way, a 21 year old is going to start keep pulling their weight. Pretty awesome kid that took care of mom. And now pretty awesome young man who's going to go get a job and work real hard. And if he's going to live here, he's going to be a contributing member of this house because we need him. And by the way, him feeling needed, him having a purpose is going to help him too. The greatest gift you can give a 21 year old is responsibility. Helps their muscles grow. We're not going to wait. We're going to wake up every day thinking there's something wrong with us. We're going to wake up every day saying I get to go do whatever happens next. So sorry. You're going through this era. Thank you for the call sister. Call anytime. Call anytime. But you got to make that call on whether you're going to leave or not. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. And how it wants to give you this amazing app for free for 90 days. You can change so much of your life in 90 days. You could commit to exercising and begin to transform your health. You can start doing one nice thing for your spouse and begin to transform your marriage. You can do so much in 90 days that will transform your life. And this is why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. I usually listen to Hallow on the way to work or sometimes even when I'm exercising helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters in my life. And for me, that's my faith practice before the world comes at me full force. 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BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney for 10% off. 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we have a couple calling in from Seattle, Washington. Let's go out to Andrew first. Hey, Andrew, are you there? Yep. Awesome. Most excellent. All right, let's bring in your wife, Maria. Hey, Maria, what's up? Hi, good morning. Good morning. All right, so are y'all both in the same house? Yes. Ooh, okay. Is this a spicy call? No. Unfortunately, no. No, fortunately, yes. I need one. I need a regular call. What's up? I'll start off. I'm the one with the question. Okay. Um, so the main question is, is how do we maneuver or handle socializing outside of our relationship? When we both have two socializing different dynamics. Tell me about it. Those are some big words. Tell me, tell me what's going on. Uh, so, uh, long story short, um, I, I'm starting to come out and be a bit of a social butterfly trying at least. Yeah. And, uh, my wife, she tends to be a little bit more, uh, particular with how she socializes with people. You're saying, you're saying it all so gently, like she's, like she's standing behind you and she's going to hit you. Um, so you like, you're starting to, and it sounds like this is new for you. You're starting to want to go out, do some things. And Maria likes to stay at home and read a book. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. Maria, what's going on with you? Um, let's see. I'm just an introvert. I've never been very social. I, I don't really have a need to be around other people. My, my job is physically and emotionally taxing and whatever downtime I have, it's for me. It's for me in the house or the household, I guess. Y'all have kids too? We don't, we don't have kids. We, we just have dogs. So when you say you, you and the household, does that mean everybody except for Andrew or let me say it this way. Only Andrew. Only Andrew. Okay. So you get home from work, you have a taxing job, you want to curl up on the couch and I'm making stuff up. Who knows what, like, I don't know what you actually want to do, but you want to, you want to just kind of drop your shoulders and hang. And Andrew's like, cool. Now that you're home, let's go out. Pretty much. Okay. So there's no tension here. Just kidding. Y'all, y'all's house sounds exactly like my house. Tell me, um, tell me the purpose of this call. Did something happen or has it just been building over time? Uh, Andrew, can I throw it back to you? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so, uh, we both had the same jobs. We both, uh, for the longest time during our entire relationship, we, uh, we had the same taxing job. It was emotional. It was physical. It was, uh, um, all the energy was drained out of us, uh, five days a week on the weekends. All we wanted to do was just nothing. Uh, we didn't want to do anything. And we were both fine with that kind of dynamic of just laying down, watching movies, maybe going to a hike here and there. Um, but now I left that job. I kind of drew back and now I have a, um, a retail job where it's just a little physical, but nothing too crazy. And now I have this mental energy and emotional energy to kind of spend it and just want to do stuff or try to get out there and socialize. Cause I've, I've personally felt like I've had that missing, uh, for the longest time. And, uh, and, uh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. For me, I feel like there's that missing, um, something. Um, our relationship is great. Finances are good. Household is fine. Honestly, everything about us and the four or five months that we've been married has been almost perfect. And now this is the one thing that I'm starting to, I guess, feel, uh, lonely. And in a way that's, that's the word. Yeah. I'm glad that you got there. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. And when I bring it up to her, I don't want to feel like she doesn't complete me cause she does. Um, she's, she's awesome. She's perfect in all the right ways. And having that conversation with her, trying to figure that out. Um, she's fully on board, but yet she, she has that. Uh, particular thing when it comes down to meeting people and that social energy that, that, that takes a toll on her. Yeah. So let me challenge you. Okay. And y'all can get off the phone with me and look at each other and be like, that guy's an idiot. Okay. Y'all are free to do that. Um, but Maria doesn't complete you. That's Hollywood fiction. Yeah. Yeah. And she can be an amazing wife and an amazing friend and your ride or die partner forever. And she can want to go to bed at eight o'clock and you want to go out at eight o'clock and there's always going to be that tension there. Okay. So the, the challenge you're, you're, you're going to end up burying yourself and then she's going to be like the ultimate, she's going to pay the ultimate price for it, which is you say, she's great, wonderful, perfect. You complete me. You're the best thing ever, but I'm lonely inside my own house or worse. I'm lonely inside my own marriage. And what I want to tell you is that's okay. That, that is a problem that you and her sit on the same side of the table. And that problem is on the other side of the table. And y'all work together to find a solution against this different energy system y'all have. Cause you're, you're a few months away from the thoughts entering your head. She's choosing this job over me. And she's choosing sleep over me. She's choosing to read a book instead of having sex. She's choosing like, right. And so when you start to divvy it up like that, it makes it me versus her. And so stay on the same side of the table. There is no such thing as somebody completing you. And I think that's one of the hardest things, especially for young couples, because just the messaging we've got for the last 50 years is somebody will fill in every one of your gaps and it's just not true. And so I don't want to put anything on you, but let me tell you how this plays out in my house. There are some days and I don't have another way to say it. There's some days I'm sad. Like I'm just sad because my wife is zonked and all I want to do in the world is go hang out with her. Or, you know what, I'm going to reframe that. All I want in the world is her to hang out with me. And she does sometimes. And I also have that lingering, when she does, I have that lingering voice like, this is coming at a cost to her. And I don't ever want to be a burden to her, right? Yeah. So the, I guess what I want to tell you is that tension's never going to go away. And that doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It just means y'all are different. And the paths forward for both of you is there's A, going to be times that both of you choose not the most comfortable route for a greater good. And that's both of you. There's gonna be times andrew when you want to go out You're just feeling itchy like let's go do a thing and dude i'm gonna curl up on the couch and watch a movie And there will be times maria when you Have a taxing day, but not a wild day and you're like dude, it's three o'clock I'm having a cup of coffee because we're going out tonight And i'm gonna feel uncomfortable, but I love this guy and I think over time I can dot dot dot And then andrew there's gonna be times when you're gonna have to choose I wish she would be with me, but she's not and so i'm gonna go hang out and have a good time and Like I always say this on the show go make good choices, but go have some fun and maria is going to go to bed and get her restorative sleep and and decompress and Y'all are gonna have to both decide we're not going to hold each other Um, we're not going to resent each other. Does that make sense? And that's just hard. It's just it's just it just isn't is in a perfect world in a in a in a hollywood world Somebody would complete us So I threw a lot at you andrew And maria push back on me or ask questions or say I don't like that or whatever what's going on in your heart and mind Um, man me first or yeah You go ahead you go ahead Uh, so we do I I think we are aligned with us kind of uh trying this uh New stage in our life with this new uh, this new phase of me possibly going out and trying to do Go out have fun do the make the right choices um, even i'm trying to pick up a hobby here and there to kind of uh, Stay busy have fun and and Just live your life and try to find yeah, exactly trying to figure that out But yet Yes, there is that that feeling of I feel like i'm I'm leaving her behind or she's not a part of it or we're not spending enough time together Even when we are together, she she's exhausted or we're cuddled up in bed watching a movie doing the thing that we enjoy to do but she's Unwinding and i'm just there having i'm hanging out where while she's unwinding Um and Those days when I do have the energy to leave and she's unwinding it feels like i'm still not spending And there's that feeling of not Uh us being together even though we are together and Am I making sense so far? Yeah, it's I Almost i'm almost certain I think that's the answer but Maria, let me ask you Do you feel like if andrew was to go out and join a bowling league and start bowling or he was gonna go out and? I don't know started go to the local chess club or whatever Would you feel like he's abandoning you? No No, I wouldn't feel like he's abandoning me I guess I guess, uh, I I would I would want to be part of those hobbies. I just want to figure out how to also spend quality time. Like all of my hobbies are at home. Yeah, his hobbies are out of the home and so and I'm yeah, do you do you Like sometimes social anxiety and like and i'm talking about clinical social anxiety plus exhaustion plus um Being a homebody if you will plus like all that stuff in in the word introvert gets thrown around a lot All that kind of gets it gets dumped into the same blender And so I want to pull it apart real quick, do you do you want to want to go out? Or do you really don't want to I don't I I do have social anxiety you hit it right on the head I and I'm being treated for it and I I'm under treatment and I and I have depression and I'm being treated for that as well Okay, but I've I was raised I guess to not socialize and maybe that's what stuck with me But I just I don't care to socialize. Okay. Well and there's a difference between And I'm using I'm being careful with my words here There is I don't want to but I want to want to Because the path through social anxiety is Exposure, right? I'm going to slowly introduce myself to social situations Not i'm not going to go to giant parties and where everyone i'm on display but i'm going to go to a dinner with three friends and then i'm going to I'm going to feel how that feels and i'm going to feel how drained it I am, but also i'm going to be honest about Dude, that kind of felt good. I had good conversations. And so There is a practicing But then there's the I don't have any interest Like I just have no desire Is I don't even want to want to you get what i'm saying? Yes And so it sounds like you grew up in a certain way. You're being treated for multiple pathologies the path forward the treatment path Either now or eventually with your mental health professional is exposure I'm going to go do a thing even though my body's saying I quote unquote feel like not doing it I know the right thing is to go do it Kind of like this morning I woke up and I didn't feel like running but i'd made a commitment to myself So i'm gonna go do it and i'll tell you what on the back end I felt like a million bucks, right, but man, I sure didn't feel like it And so I didn't want to run But I wanted to want to run so i'm gonna go run. You get what i'm saying? Yeah The challenge for you andrew and i'm telling you man if I can save you 15 years of your marriage like for me I took it all personally I You get what i'm saying? Yeah, and I still that still sneaks up on and what I mean by that is If maria doesn't want to go out one night or she's just wiped or she's had a really rough day at work and Just her anxiety alarms are ringing off the hook that particular day You can choose And this is not a feeling choice because feelings are going to do what feelings do. It's an intellectual choice It's a next right action choice You can choose to not take it as maria is rejecting andrew You can choose to say Maria is choosing to take care of herself. So tomorrow she can be the best version of herself And that really bums me out because I wanted to be with her tonight And then you go choose the next right action for you And that could be you scrolling youtube clips until 2 a.m And that's going to be a disaster or I could you could just say okay cool I'm going to call it a night even though I want to go out i'm going to call it a night and i'm going to get some good sleep, so i'll be my best self or You say man i'm going to go to my chess club or my dungeons and dragons club or whatever tonight and uh, I'm going to miss my wife, but i'm glad that she's taking care of herself You get to choose that story. And I want to tell you I spent 15 years With my shoulders slumped and my head Bending like just looking at the floor Walking out of my house To go hang out with some of my knuckle-headed buddies heartbroken And it took a long time for me to realize and by the way, it still pops up sometimes i'm just being honest That it wasn't about me It was about my wife trying to take care of herself you know what i'm saying Yeah and um, I think what i'm kind of nervous about is if I was to go take those actions and and work through that I guess the fear would be that I'm working on myself, but then also we've we we find ourselves kind of doing our own separate thing and not finding time for each other I don't think those are mutually exclusive Like if you listen to my show a lot, you know, I love going to hang out at the comedy club I just hang out there whether i'm performing or not That's like That's like nails on a chalkboard for my wife And she likes to be by herself writing her next novel or writing poetry or reading about ancient whatever stuff and alone out in her garden and I like doing that stuff too, but for like 15 minutes Right and so what you have to be able to parse apart is i'm gonna go do my thing So that or let me put it this way i'm gonna be in service to myself both of you So that my cup is so full that I can be completely in service to the other person And so maria if if you're unplugging from the world is that's that's the in that is That's the end I'm, not unplugging so that I can refill my battery And love andrew to the moon and back but i'm just unplugging to unplug And unplugging means I unplug from him, too Then that's going to cause problems down the road if I'm going to unplug and I'm going to keep going to treatment so that I feel my best self so that I can give my entire self away to this man that I promised my life to. Man, now you're talking about a ride or die marriage. And Andrew, if you go a couple nights a week and go hang out with your buddies and go learn new hobbies and stuff so that you can plug fully back into your house, plug into Maria, man, that's awesome. But you'll have to be intentional about together time in addition to intentional about the things that restore each other. Y'all both sound like you're pretty awesome. Thank you. I think we both think we're both awesome. I like the fact that you both are working on yourselves. What I want to add to that is we're both working on ourselves so that we can be the best version of ourselves for each other. We're doing our best. And your show has helped a lot. Well, I appreciate that. I mean, I'm just a goofball with a microphone. Y'all are actually doing the work in real life. Y'all are actually putting the time and the energy in. And by the way, y'all are four or five months into this marriage. Don't put so much pressure on it. Y'all have never done this before. Y'all are practicing. You're just finding your way through it. And Maria, you may have never had a guy like always there, right? And Andrew, you may have had this dream about when we get married every night. It's just not, it's not reality. It's not how it's going to play. So just stay patient with each other and keep coming back to the table. I've got, I will send it to you directly. And for everybody listening, once a week, I want every couple to get together and just say, how are we doing? What do we got coming up this week? Can we put time together on the calendar? If we're busy, can we put sex on the calendar? Can we go ahead and run through what this week is going to cost us with groceries? Or we got this dinner with family. How are we feeling? And I've got a PDF that is the guy it's the same. It's the same, basically the same meeting that me and my wife have every week we've had for years. But it's in the show. We'll click the link in the show notes. If you want to get that PDF and Andrew Maria, I'll send it directly to you. And Andrew Maria, I'll also send you the together app as my gift for your new marriage. And it will help you guys come together one action step at a time. Keep putting the work in on yourself. So that y'all can give your entire selves away to each other. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a man asks how to stop compulsively lying to others and become a genuinely honest person. We'll be right back. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life and life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time. And we learn to manage it. And just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. So why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest. 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Go to joyandblokes.com slash Deloney and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I-N-B-L-O-K-E-S joyandblokes.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio and talk to Aaron. Hey, Aaron, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you? Oh, I'm doing great. What's up? Yeah, so my question, just looking for help, creating a roadmap for myself to quit compulsively lying to others, just work on a sense of integrity for myself. Dude, I love that question, man. Where does that question come from? Tell me about yourself. Yeah, so I definitely value, you know, being honest to others, and upholding my values. It just seems like I have a hard time putting that into practice. For instance, it's like, it's not the big things in life that I'm lying about, but it's just all these small details and kind of exaggerating achievements, things like that. What is it about you that you don't like? I think, I don't know. I think I'm just disgusted with the behavior, to be honest. No, no, no, no, deeper than that. Let's reframe it for a second. Lying works. Lying has served a role in your life. And so if we look at lying as a thing that's been working for you, what has it been wallpapering over? How has it been helping you not deal with reality? Yeah, so I think if I look a little bit deeper, I guess lying has, you know, helped me be revered more in the eyes of others and get a sense of like a pat on the back. Just people thinking, I don't know, more of somebody that has higher achievement levels than somebody that doesn't, right? Yeah. So I think when it comes down to it, it's about the acceptance. I don't think it's about acceptance. It's about you when you're in the presence of somebody else or an organization or a group, you instantly feel yourself not as peers with them, but you feel less than. And lying helps you. It works. It helps you reestablish your, standing within your own chest among a group of other people. And so my question is, what is it about you that you feel less than when you're in the presence of others? I think, yeah, I just, I don't, I'm not proud of myself. Why? I don't feel, I just don't feel. You don't have enough money. You don't have enough abs. You've had acne when you were a kid. Like, what is it? What, what do you, you get what I'm saying? I want to get down to the root of the, of the question. Yeah. It's, I think it's kind of all the above. Oh, I was just making stuff up. It's, it's right there. Yeah. It's like, you know, I, I, for instance, I ran a, ran a marathon early this year and I finished in three hours, 55 minutes. You know, people ask me how it's going. I'm like, oh yeah, I was, I finished in, in three, three minutes or three hours and 35 minutes. Um, I guess just to have people be more impressed. And yeah, like, like you said, I think it comes from a place of me not loving myself or, or feeling less than, than other people for. Yes. It's not, it's not even love. It's this, it's a vicious loop. I'm going to go run a marathon, which is awesome. And laudable and cool. Right. But underneath that, then there's the, I'm going to break four minutes. And then underneath that is this myth, this fantasy that then I'll be okay with me. And to 99.999% of the world completing a marathon, much less breaking four is pretty dang impressive. Right. And so there's, there's, I mean, if, if you like DNA, if you didn't, if you didn't finish or you ran it in 32 hours, right. And you'd been hyping yourself up talking trash all week, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm right. And it didn't lying still not. Okay. But I get it. Right. Cause there's like, I'm trying to save myself from embarrassment. It's not, they don't like myself. It was like, I put in a poor performance and I don't want people to know. That's not what happened here. It's somewhere at the bottom of the line. You didn't run this marathon for yourself. You ran it because you want to make sure other people might like you a little bit more. I think, I think you're right. Um, yeah, I guess I've, I've struggled with, uh, with the self image and, and, you know, putting, putting myself on a lower status than, than other people. basically for as long as they can. as I can remember and that's so let me tell you the war you're gonna have to fight man it is being next to others feeling less than like recognizing oh there's a feeling here distancing yourself from that feeling and continuing to stand right there another word for it is ownership right and it's I wish there was another way around it there's it's a practice it's it's recognizing oh my body's doing a thing it's trying to protect me I don't need protecting right now I'm good yeah you know that's probably gonna spend some time with a therapist because lying works man it just does and then it ends up you end up it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because nobody wants to hang out with you yeah and I you don't want you don't want to hang out with you right yeah I've seen that kind of come to fruition throughout my life it seems like it's it's hard for me to have close friendships but do you see how the very thing you do to try to facilitate friendships it ends up burning them even more right very few of my friends could run a marathon they're just not healthy guys right I would much rather have friends that never even considered running a marathon or if you said hey you should run a marathon and their first thought was that's stupid I'd much rather have that friend I'd much rather have a friend with acne scars I'd much rather have a friend who doesn't make very much money than a friend who isn't honest about it right and so if you are worried about your standing in the world you're not going to be able to run a marathon you're not going to run a marathon you're not going to be able to run a marathon you're not going to be able to make money in the world and you're make money in the world and you're make money in the world and you're worried about feeling less than others worried about feeling less than others worried about feeling less than others and it's not worried like I'm just and it's not worried like I'm just and it's not worried like I'm just worrying about AI it's not that it this worrying about AI it's not that it this worrying about AI it's not that it this is in your body I feel less than so I'm is in your body I feel less than so I'm is in your body I feel less than so I'm gonna inflate it what you're gonna gonna inflate it what you're gonna gonna inflate it what you're gonna confirm is people are gonna back away confirm is people are gonna back away confirm is people are gonna back away from you not return your calls not want from you not return your calls not want from you not return your calls not want to hire you and it's gonna be I told you to hire you and it's gonna be I told you to hire you and it's gonna be I told you so so so see how this just becomes a sick circle see how this just becomes a sick circle see how this just becomes a sick circle man yeah it's a vicious loop for sure man yeah it's a vicious loop for sure man yeah it's a vicious loop for sure so I'll give you a path out but it's so I'll give you a path out but it's so I'll give you a path out but it's it's uncomfortable okay yeah I'm fine it's uncomfortable okay yeah I'm fine it's uncomfortable okay yeah I'm fine with that I'm ready to ready to ready to with that I'm ready to ready to ready to with that I'm ready to ready to ready to change for sure okay ready it's gonna change for sure okay ready it's gonna change for sure okay ready it's gonna sound so simple and you're gonna get sound so simple and you're gonna get sound so simple and you're gonna get annoyed with me that's alright number annoyed with me that's alright number annoyed with me that's alright number one never ever lie again one never ever lie again one never ever lie again period period period number two when you do in that same number two when you do in that same number two when you do in that same sentence slash conversation catch sentence slash conversation catch sentence slash conversation catch yourself and fix it right there yourself and fix it right there yourself and fix it right there yourself and fix it right there yeah dude I've been at 335 Wow it's yeah dude I've been at 335 Wow it's yeah dude I've been at 335 Wow it's amazing no no no no no not 335 355 I'm amazing no no no no no not 335 355 I'm amazing no no no no no not 335 355 I'm sorry I'm gonna correct it right there right I'm gonna correct it right there right I'm gonna correct it right there right I'm going to never I'm gonna feel it I'm going to never I'm gonna feel it I'm going to never I'm gonna feel it I'm gonna feel uncomfortable I'm gonna feel I'm gonna feel uncomfortable I'm gonna feel I'm gonna feel uncomfortable I'm gonna feel less than dude I heard you in a less than dude I heard you in a less than dude I heard you in a marathon yeah dude I crushed it dude I marathon yeah dude I crushed it dude I marathon yeah dude I crushed it dude I that sucks so get a hot dog that's what that sucks so get a hot dog that's what that sucks so get a hot dog that's what will happen you know what I'm saying but will happen you know what I'm saying but will happen you know what I'm saying but you have to sit in that pocket just you have to sit in that pocket just you have to sit in that pocket just through that through that daily kind of through that through that daily kind of through that through that daily kind of practice I will never lie again yeah practice I will never lie again yeah practice I will never lie again yeah making that commitment and it comes making that commitment and it comes making that commitment and it comes from and I'm here the first thing you from and I'm here the first thing you have to reestablish is your identity i am a man who never lies and that means when someone's like dude did you like my band nope right i saw y'all work really hard or that was fun yeah but were we good it's not my thing man right you'll get you'll get you'll get better at telling the truth but i am a man who never lies period and that means i'm gonna weather all of the discomfort living into that new identity and then if this is a lifelong war you're gonna have to sit down with a mental health professional with a therapist a counselor or get in a group and be honest with yourself about the stories other people told you at a younger age that you're not going to be able to live with that became your stories over time as to why you think you don't deserve to walk and breathe the same air that everybody else does right yeah i think uh i think when i was younger um i just i just saw a lot of praise um in the things that i was able to accomplish um you know from parents and and coaches and things like that and like you said lying lying's easy and and it works um so yeah it just became ingrained in me to seek the praise rather than uphold my integrity unfortunately so cool instead of carrying that around with you for the rest of your life put a period into that sentence how old are you yeah i'm 29 great cool today's day one yes sir right i'm 29 i'll never lie again this has been my way of being since i was this many years old and by the way if people praised you for the things you did that means they also withdrew connection from you as a young kid when you didn't do things yeah and it's often we look at the what we're seeking got reinforced but it's often what was taken away that's the real pain it's not that i got an extra attaboy when i ran really faster on the track it's that i got that disgusted look from dad when i didn't right that's the true hurt here and uh i guess uh because i my wife and i just welcomed our our first son six weeks ago uh hell yeah dude congratulations and perfect time right to start yeah i think it's it's uh like you always say you know we're starting a new marriage and i want to i want to start off on a better foot that i can be more proud of in the long run okay so does your wife know about this yeah yeah okay are there things that you need to sit down and to tell her um nothing big nothing big um i mean it's it's it's small things that uh especially to her like did you do the dishes oh yeah i did those you know make sure i just get them done before before she gets back from work or something like that it's not nope it's not even that it's not that it's not that it's not that aaron that's not the problem here the problem here is when she said hey did you do the dishes and you didn't that you feel that sense of dang it i should have right and you say no i didn't i'll get him done and then she and her postpartum exhaustion is gets mad at you and you weather that because that's a right response if you said you're going to do it yeah right that's the healing but otherwise you're just trying to avoid the uncomfortable situation yet again right now if you said i'm going to do this today then yes being a person of integrity is i'm and if i don't i'm going to look her in the eye and say i messed this up yeah and if she's on board with this i want y'all if y'all both treat it like sobriety then give her permission when she feels that wasn't exactly true to call it out yeah and i need the need the accountability not her verse you but her with you right because we have a house where nobody is dishonest you want to be really silly not silly you want to be really like put it all the way on the sidewalk here once a week y'all have like in your weekly how's our week going how are we doing how's this new marriage we're building how's it working um have a time when she can say is there anything that you exaggerated this week and you're like yep i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to get a three percent raise i'm gonna get a 2.2 percent raise actually i didn't go to the store all right like have you know that's coming and all of that will be hurdles to keep you from lying in the first place because as of today your independence day day one you are a man who never lies i don't want you to hold your your wife's hand and commit i'm gonna go see somebody i'm gonna talk to somebody because at the root of all of this is a man who doesn't like himself not like i need self-love not dude i'm a guy who doesn't like himself and my kid our kid will never have that feeling and that means i got work to do as a dad so i'm gonna celebrate your brother day one congratulations on your new adventure walking through the world as a man who puts his head up high throws his shoulder back and says i'm worth breathing the same air as everybody no matter what how much money i make i'm worth breathing the same air as everybody i'm a dad i'm a husband and i'm a man who you can count on to be honest with you and if i mess up man you better damn well know i'm gonna i'm gonna call it out i'm gonna say i messed up i'm gonna correct it right there and we're all gonna be awkward then i'm proud of you go get it man i would love it aaron you it would be an honor to me if you call back in 30 days let me know how you're going we'll do a 30-day celebration for you brother thanks for the call we'll be right back this summer has been a wild one for me i've been to eight different states visiting several states more than once i made a 40-hour round trip drive across the country and i've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of tennessee the two constants in all of these states are the same thing i've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of tennessee the two constants in all of these madnesses number one i love traveling across the country and meeting new people and number two i love sleeping in my own bed the best sleep i get bar none is when i get home and i snuggle into my own bed and that great amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress my helix midnight lux mattress from helix sleep helix is not just a show sponsor for me my friends everyone around me is starting to sleep on helix mattresses mainly because i won't shut up about how great they are even when the cameras and the lights are off helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep i want you to get online and take the helix sleep quiz i did it it takes like two minutes and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles and they've got cooling upgrades and they've got a new mattress that's going to be great for you hot sleepers too a helix mattress will change your life for the better their best savings of the season are happening right now go to helixsleep.com slash deloney for their best of the web offer and get 27 off site wide that's 27 off site wide at helix h-e-l-i-x helixsleep.com slash deloney with helix better sleep starts right now all right kelly something cool happened what is it? yes so a while back we had um an am i the problem guy that emailed in about letting his two sons play um grand theft auto oh yeah yeah and because it was the only time they could get along and so he was like is this really a bad thing all right and i for sure said yes yes we agreed i think we all agreed overwhelmingly my kids are quiet when they watch porn can i just let it cheese okay yes okay so this is from joe in south bend indiana and he writes i'm the one who asked if it was wrong for letting my two boys play gta because when they did they got along you liked my question so much you answered it twice how so well he says we answered it on two different shows anyway wow there's there's kelly producing producing the show to her the best of her ability uh-huh and you hosting it clearly no i hope i gave the same answer uh you know how many different shows i'm doing a day i hope i gave the same answer but i'm not sure i'm not sure i'm not sure both times i didn't say that'd be hilarious you were more understanding of it um see he has us doing it a year apart i don't keep them that long anyway but he said you were more understanding of it the first time oh well maybe he's been playing too much grand theft auto his brain is mush anyway in his first response john said my kids had shown that they could get along so i to be intentional about situations that i put them in i took that to heart and i became the leader in their boy scout troop i now have them work on their merit badges together we go fishing and other activities and things have improved big time they can still fight they can still fight but the good interactions between them are starting to balance the bad p.s i too am an old punk rock guy since i know john likes the descendants i guess i can answer i can tell him that i've answered milo's question what will it be like when i get old nice and the answer is things are pretty damn great that's awesome i'm assuming it's going to be a lot of fun i'm assuming it's going to be a lot of fun i'm assuming it's going to be a lot of fun i'm assuming it's going to be a lot of fun i'm assuming it's going to be a lot of fun and you know what that means yes great that's one of that's one of the famous descendants lines who by the way are opening up for social distortion here in nashville if you don't think i'm not going to be on the front row of that show without a shirt on you are mistaken i will not be anywhere in the vicinity well you kept my i was gonna say you kept my shirt on last time but it won't take itself off i'm taking it off this time this the strike it just they just have a thing about them but i'm going in full now that's awesome dude and hey here's the magic here this this was named joe joe chose to be more tired because i know that guy works hard he's got two young kids he's married he's got a house and he chose and it's so much easier just to hand the kids a controller and say they like this they're fine and this guy said i'm gonna be extra exhausted i'm gonna go get more involved we're gonna do things together even though everything is pushing against that and the kids are the beneficiary and by the way so is he it's awesome all right so we'll answer this question again in three or four weeks we'll just keep running this one back uh no apparently it's a once a year thing once a year thing yeah all right so sometime in 27 all right joe i'm the one another descendants line bye you