Caller: “I Can’t Stop Yelling at My Wife”

my brand new book i've been working on it for several years it's all about answering two questions is marriage in the 21st century still worth it and if so how are we supposed to do it the book is called building the marriage you want it's available for pre-order now get your copy at ramsay solutions.com slash store building the marriage you want i've got an issue with anger for me man it feels like it's breaking containment obviously that's had some really big uh impacts on my relationship with my kids with my wife um my relationship with myself what did growing up look like i think you probably already have an idea what's going on what's going on this is john of the dr john deloney show i'm so glad that you're hanging out with us today talking about your mental and emotional health your marriages your relationships whatever you got going on in your life i'm glad you're here if you want to be on the show click the link in the show notes this is a show of with real people going through real challenges and we're going to pull up a not real seat we're going to pick up the phone and talk to each other try to figure out what's the best next right move for you for your family for whatever you can control i'm super honored to have people call into the show and i'm super honored to have folks who put their earphones in their earbuds in and listen and become part of this community that we're building here let's go out to oklahoma city and talk to jt hey jt what's up brother hey john thanks so much for uh for having me on the show man you got it dude thanks for calling yeah um hey so uh the headline for me is um i've got an issue with anger okay i uh it's something that is uh you've described it before you've described it before you've described it before you've described it before as somebody that feels like they have like a nuclear reactor in their chest yeah kind of walking around um for me man it feels like it's breaking containment like like it's leaking like i can feel it pretty constantly and it feels just like something i can almost kind of tap into at any moment um it feels like a constant presence and what that looks like for my daily life is um it doesn't take much to get me to kind of uh react really strongly uh kind of lash out in anger and obviously that's had some really big uh impacts on my relationship with my kids with my wife um my relationship with myself uh i'm trying to figure out work through um how can i do a better job of controlling this so i can be a better husband a better father a better person overall how many kids you got brother i've got two two kids how old are they uh they are five and seven five and seven take a breath i'm glad i'm glad you're here man thanks that was hard to say that out loud and i'm not gonna beat you up okay i'm here with you cool sounds good um pull the string for me um what did growing up look like i think you probably already have an idea um i think this this kind of thing runs in families uh especially you know as a man um seeing the example of my dad uh he had huge issues with anger um i think he felt cheated in life uh like he never got opportunities um and he really took it out on us um i was never physically hurt uh but i was terrified growing up um you just never knew well i was gonna set him off um and you know is is tonight gonna be the night that you know he breaks this thing that's really important to me or smashes smashes something or you know my mom walks out the door um something like that so it's a it was an unstable yeah childhood where was your mom in this she was there um but she was really really passive uh really passive in in the whole situation um and you know i there are times i don't i didn't really remember this uh until my brother brought it up to me so it's just me and my brother growing up um that she tried to leave a few times uh going so far as to like just walking down the road um and us not knowing exactly where she went and my dad tracking her down with us in the car um it was yeah i i think obviously really hard for her and then i think she stayed there because of us this is one of those hard things to say publicly okay out loud because i know how it's going to resonate and i know there's in like massive complications it's a much easier thing to say than to say that i'm not going to do it for me to sit to look you in the eye and say this if you and I were one-on-one in a room without microphones okay so I know what I'm gonna say is gonna cause all kind of stir um but I don't have a responsibility to the stirrers I have responsibility to you okay and so you were let down by both of your parents yeah and I I never want to blame a woman in an abusive situation because I know what that means to I mean I don't have a lived experience but I've sat with enough folks to know what it means to start a life over and possibly not have protection etc etc yeah but I'm only speaking to you right now and I have deep compassion for your mom but you can't leave two boys two children two kids two babies in a cage with a ferocious bear right yeah yeah and so hear me say this um your anger's right and I'd be willing to bed if you and I talked for a while I could be wrong but it's rooted in powerlessness and now you're married now you got two kids and the same dragons are still in the middle of your chest which is you've got all these other people telling you what you have to do all these other people relying on you with their whims and their concerns and their problems and it gets tighter and tighter and tighter and you're looking for something to punch a hole through yeah I'd say uh I'd say that's pretty spot on um I also uh that really rings true uh mainly because I like looking back and seeing the uh the experiences where I've where it feels like uh that nuclear reactor is just you know has escaped containment um those are the times when I felt the most powerless um my wife and I uh were foster parents we adopted one of our kiddos out of foster care and uh that whole experience of being foster parents was just being told we could not do things we could not um do what we knew what was right for our kids that were put into our care right um and then recently um I actually just lost my job uh earlier this year there you go that's a lot yeah so I want to I want to I want you to hear me say this and I'm not saying this in a bro way okay I'm saying this as a guy who loves you okay yeah I'm sitting here right now I'm not scared of your anger okay and so I want you to feel free to set it down for a second okay and I'm gonna push on you but I'm pushing on you not as a like two guys outside of a bar I'm pushing on you because I believe you're stronger than you think you are by a hell of a lot when you speak to yourself the stories you tell yourself that this thing that lives within me is breaking containment that is the exact dragon you've been chasing your whole life which is I am not in control and so I want you to change your language with yourself I am in control I it doesn't act I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't accidentally punch a hole through something I don't accidentally scream and yell it doesn't build up so much that there has to be a release I chose that and that means I can choose to not do that and if in that moment I literally can't choose to do that which I've and I've sat with those folks I will choose to go get the help that I need yeah but it's all about you saying I will be in the driver's seat from this point forward and that is you reclaiming your own power that has been taken away from you since you were a little bitty kid yeah my uh my wife calls that controlling the controllables um it's annoying when our wives are right right you know i mean uh yeah she's uh i'm pretty lucky um yeah i i think my question for you though is um yeah i i guess in that moment i can say you know i i can't control this i can't control my reaction i want you to stop focusing on the moment because okay i mean that that's like it's like it's an alcoholic surrounding himself with alcohol at all times you've already lost right right um when i when i'm there will come moments when you have to make hard choices i'm gonna walk out of here i'm gonna go for a walk right like i get that but i'm talking about really what your wife said what in your life can you reclaim autonomy over agency over and and i'll tell you for me it was walking into a therapist office and finally for the first time telling somebody the truth about some wild crap that happened to me yeah it might be you going to an inpatient program going to like our friends at capstone and just say i'm gonna go spend three to five days and do an intensive and like i'm unplugging for you don't even have a job i'm gonna unplug for a minute i got to unhook this reactor in the middle of my chest well let's say we don't have the resources to do like a uh like a three-day you know time to get away if i'm and i i can't leave i need to you know just logistically it can't work how do i kind of in my daily life create opportunities to um release that pressure or or practice i want to i guess for me it's like how do i practically create more um momentum towards controlling this this part of me how old are you 41 has anything you've tried in the last 36 years worked so at some point the most courageous thing you can do is to tap out yeah and say i need to go get somebody to help me yeah because because the path for you is not managing the pressure the path for you like if you're thinking of like a two liter bottle that's completely shaken up the path isn't how do i learn how to just gently release the cap at the top so that no liquid gets out but all the gas gets out it's kind of like a two liter bottle that's completely shaken up cutting a hole in the bottom of the two liter so everything drains out i'm not playing the game anymore you get what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah but you have to look in the mirror and tell you something tell yourself something and believe it that that your two primary caregivers didn't tell you and that is you're worth feeling good in your own skin and we repeat those stories based on what people told us and if you've never been told that story it will feel like a lie if you can't get away because of resources it will look like you going to um see somebody locally because that's courage and you're not going in there and acting hard because you've been acting hard your whole life dude it's going in there dropping your shoulders and telling the truth for god's sakes it means getting off all screens and going to bed early yeah yeah because you're a ruminator and ruminators become scrollers and scrollers become unslept maniacs yeah i mean we're i'm doing i'm doing a little bit of that uh my wife keeps me honest you're doing a lot of really i so which yeah delete it all brother delete it all delete it all what what's it what's it giving you distraction yes it's another drink and another drink it's feeding the rage machine yeah I mean I don't know if you're going to be able to do it in the next couple of weeks ask your wife for a 60-second hug when you wake up in the morning ask your wife how I can love you today go get two jobs give yourself a purpose not because I've got to because I get to because I'm driving now anger is right it points to things that should be a different way it points to things that matter it points to things that matter it points to things that matter and so when you get angry about something write it down okay give the angry you of see this the he's always going to be at the table yeah you know that one idiot cousin that always runs their mouth at christmas and everyone just rolls her eyes when he starts telling you the story about the truck engine he's going to get he's going to change it up that's your anger he he's going to have a seat at the table when he starts talking you it's not you it's one of the seats at the table one of the voices at the table roll your eyes and get on about your life and i'm making it sound way too easy it's not that easy you're gonna need some professional support yeah okay and if alcohol if food if media you have to know this thing sets me off and so for the time being i'm out i'm abstaining totally i cannot drink anymore because one alcohol one drink turns into 30. yeah yeah it's this is the most important thing it's not about you flexing anymore it's about saying i'm powerless this is aaa anger you win i'm not carrying you around anymore and if you haven't you've probably heard me say this but forgiveness is for you so possibly writing a letter to your dad writing a letter to your mom about all the tough stuff and about who you're going to become now and don't send the letter set it on fire burn it in the trash bin put in the grill whatever and again all this is stuff you'll do with a counselor with a professional therapist i want you to you've got to go sit with somebody professionally you wouldn't be calling me if you weren't on the edge wake up every morning and write yourself in a small little notebook by your bed today i'm going to you're worth it my man you're worth it your kids are worth it your wife is worth it but man i'm talking to you right now you're worth it you're worth it you're worth it you you're worth it and i'm so sorry so sorry but i'm proud of you and if resources i know resources are tight for everybody man it's a chaotic time economically hang on the line i'll hook you up with three free months of better help um we'll get you set up there um do reach out to my friends over at capstone you're an ideal candidate for a three to five day intensive um do reach out to them and see what they can what kind of deal they can work out with you but it's it's it would be transformative for you i believe um and call me back anytime all of this starts with an identity change which is you look in the mirror and saying i'm worth peace and i'm an agent of peace in my life in my marriage in my parenting relationship in my home and i'm going to reverse engineer that with action steps they're going to bring me here i love you my brother and i'm grateful that you called today's day one congratulations game on when we come back a woman asks how and when she should tell her kids about their donor conceived family history we'll be right back this episode is brought to you by better help every year you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently you're going to stay calmer you're going to feel more peace but then the same old patterns show up the same family tensions the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries and you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love listen this year can be different you still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions and you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it when you're ready to have that conversation check out better help better help is an online therapy platform with more than 30 000 licensed therapists across its network this means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season help you develop a plan or help you with whatever your needs and goals are if the first therapist isn't the right fit you can switch at any time for no extra cost if you thought about trying therapy with better help insurance options may now be available nationwide through participating providers and eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session listen you know what's coming this year you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to check out your payment options that's better help help.com slash deloney or click the link in the description all right let's go out to phoenix and talk to roxy roxy what's up hi thank you for having my call thank you for calling uh for for picking up and being a part of the show what's going on so a few years ago My mom and dad invited my brother and I over and let us know that my dad was not my dad and that my mom was inseminated. Through that process, we discovered it was the doctor. And I want to tell my teenage son. Hold on. It was the doctor? It was the doctor, yeah. Did he do this maliciously? The feeling is that no, he didn't help. You know, I've met the other siblings. That's kind of the thought behind it, that he had to do it in medical school and he just randomly helped women throughout the years. That person should be in jail. Yeah, I mean, he's no longer with us. This was a long time ago. I'm in my early 40s, and I guess this was just how it was. That was my biggest hurdle was the ethical implications of this. I mean, he delivered me. It's crazy. Good God Almighty. So he just thought he would quietly help out women by. Yes. He's a psychopath. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It was hard to swallow. My gosh. I'm so sorry. Good grief. Yikes. So how old is your son? My son is about to be 16. Okay. And the issue that I really see is that my brother has no desire to tell his kids, and my son and his son are two weeks apart. Best friends go to high school together. So I don't know how to tell him without making him keep this big secret. I mean, your values are butting up against your brother's values. And that's your brother's responsibility. His choice to not be honest with his son. Um, is going to have consequences. And you can't hold all of those consequences. That's his. That's his boundary that he's drawing. That's his decision that he's making. What you can do is the next right thing for your son, which is to be honest with him. This has medical implications. This has genetic implications. This has all kinds of implications that he needs to know about. That's how I feel. Like, you know, we're not hundreds, which is what I kind of tell myself. You know, there's only 10. That we know a little over 10 that we know of, but yes, it, you need to know he needs to know, um, I just don't know how to tell him. Well, I think you need to get the picture in your head, right? And, or to co essentially, cause you're not there anymore and it's all backstory and who knows how and what, who knows? Like if you, this doctor and your mom sat down and had a conversation, if this doctor was. Like, like evil, like inseminating women without their consent or knowledge, just in an effort to spread himself all over the planet. You know what I mean? Like, who knows? Um, I do know, like my mom had told me, he was like, no, I'm not doing it anymore. I did it when I was younger and she was like crying. She wanted a family. My dad couldn't, and she truly believes that he did this to help her. And there is a large gap that we know of at least 10 years. Between my brother and I. And the other siblings that all seem to be just out of medical school. So, I mean, the story tracks and I mean, the siblings are all friends and they're friends with his actual children and it's just all weird, but wow. I mean, I w I don't know what, I don't know what benefit they would have to just become enemies with everybody. So kudos to them for being adults in a really crazy situation. Um, I, yeah, w once you get the story in your mind, right. Grandma went behind granddad's back and did this. Oh, he knew, yeah. Oh, he knew too. Yeah, he, they didn't know. They didn't guarantee it was a doctor. They just suspected, but my dad was part of the let's have kids. Okay. So, I mean, that, that honestly makes it a bit easier, which is you're 16 now. So I got to tell you. I got to tell you about our family history, because it's going to be important to you as you get older, um, look him in the eye and say, it's going about to get real, real, real fresh in here with me and you. Um, and I know your mom, you don't want to hear about these stuff, but we're, we're doing it and he'll be like, no mom, no, but just, just, just go through it. Um, but let him know, here's the best case. Here's the best situation we have. He's probably gonna want a DNA test or maybe he won't, but one day he might. Have you already gotten a DNA test? Yeah, that's what prompted all this. Oh, that one. Yes. Okay. Oh, now it's confirmed. Okay. So you could say like, I know granddad will always be granddad and, but you're biologically, we are connected to this other man. And so it'll be important to have his medical records. It'll be important to have his information. That kind of stuff will be important. And here's a whole list of half siblings that you're technically related to. Yeah. And best of luck to you on all of it. Is there a certain age, like I have two other children, but they're younger, like is there a right age to introduce this information? No, if it, if it was you, the, like your, your mom waited way, way, way too long to where it's disorienting. Exactly. This is, this is one generation removed. And so you're, you're talking family lore at this point that does impact them. Genetically, but doesn't super, you get what I'm saying? Like, um, them needing to know your parents' fertility struggles, they don't, they don't need to know that at 10. Okay. All right. Um, once you get to be 14, 15, 16, yeah, I think we're sitting down having conversations, but again, your kids will take their cue for how serious or awful or tragic or traumatic this is from you. And so if you sit down and be like, I got a wild one for you with a smile on your face, um, guess what I found out a few years ago, and I'm, I'm still, I'm still wrestling with this. I'm still wrestling for what it all means. I didn't know all that, you know what I mean? Um, but having that conversation with your kids in that spirit versus you sit down, you sit them down and you're tense as all can be, and you're nervous, they will pick that up and they will own it and they will materialize. They will, but they will hear everything you say through that speaker. This is scary. This is bad. This is awful. This is big. And it may be those things. And if it is sit them down and say, I've got something really heavy and serious. That's that's on my heart and mind. Right. And I, I just don't want to put stipulations on it, but I don't know how to, I understand if my brother's feeling, but do I let him know? Do I say, Hey, don't say anything to your grandfather. It might be uncomfortable. Like, I guess I don't. I don't know how to handle that. You set the, yeah, I would tell him, um, my brother, your uncle, Jim, right? Uncle Jim has decided not to tell his son. So I'm, I am going to ask you to not to be a person of character and not pass this along. Okay. Um, and yes, we're not going to, you can tell him I'm not bringing this up with, with my mom and dad. This is not for you to bring up with your grandparents. This is between us. Okay. Um, this is just to give you a full, a full. A picture of your life. You're about to turn 17, 18. You're gonna have to start answering medical questions. You're gonna have to start going. You're going to start going to the doctor on your own in a year and a half or two, going to college. Like you need to know family history stuff and I'll give you the best information I got. Okay. All right. And I think it's important for him to know, like, do any questions are okay? Okay. Any, any questions, any mechanical questions, any. Like. Um, whatever questions. And I'd also tell him this, this is another big one. I would tell him as, as a 16 year old, you are not to be reaching out to potential half siblings when you're 18, you can do what you want, but 16 is too young. Okay. And if people reach out to you, you need to let me know ASAP. So, um, if I were you, I'd probably map all this out. I'd probably write it down. And again, how I have conversations with my kids is. Especially big ones like this. Like I try to intentionally have a smile on my face and say, Hey, I got a big one here. We, this is going to be a big one. And I want them at that, that, that level of ease knowing I'm not scared of this conversation, but it's a pretty big deal. And it's big enough deal that I'm kind of getting the chuckles or if I have to have a hard conversation with them, I tell them, Hey, this is a big deal. And they hear it in my voice that we're not laughing. We're not playing. This is a, this is a big deal, but it's, it's my job. As parents to set the tone, the environment, uh, the electricity in the room, if you will. Um, cause your kids will absorb, absorb, absorb that. So, man, I'm sorry this happened to you, Roxy. And it sounds like you're, you're on the right path. Um, it's a messy world we live in. That's all I'll say. Messy world. We live in. Thanks for the call. Best of luck to this conversation and to you and your kids, when we come back, a man asks how to support his. through severe mental health struggles when she refuses use this to get care. We'll be right back. Hey, all of you stay at home parents out there, listen up. There's a blind spot that could wreck your family's future. Thinking that only the one earning the paycheck in your life needs life insurance coverage. Here's the truth. Even if you don't have an income, what you do for your home is priceless. It's critically important. 24 seven childcare, preparing two meals a day, plus lunches, chauffeuring kids all over the town and taming household chaos. It would be impossible to replace all of the things you do. And it would not be cheap. Your family depends on way more than a paycheck, which is why both you and your partner need term life insurance from Zander. Zander shops, the top rated companies to find the best coverage options for your needs and your budget. And you'll find out covering both your family's needs and your paycheck. And you'll find out covering both your family's needs probably costs a lot less than you think it will with term life from Zander. You have peace of mind that your family will always be taken care of. I've used Zander for most of my adult life and my wife and I sleep better knowing that both of us are covered with life insurance. And we both know that our family will be protected. What you do is irreplaceable, but if something happens to you, term life insurance helps protect your family, no matter whose name is on the paycheck. Get this done today by going to Zander.com. Go to Zander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free quote. That's Zander with a Z dot com or click the link in the description. All right, let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Peter. Hey, Peter, what's up? John, how you doing today? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? I am busier than a beaver on a new dam, but having the time of my life. Excellent. Excellent. What's going on, how can I help? Yeah. Keep it short and sweet. I've been married to my wife for about two years now and some stuff's coming up. We're both realizing that she has some pretty serious trauma. She's taken the ACEs score just on her own. She scores a 10 out of 10, so pretty high trauma there. And we, yeah, we both grew up in homes where therapy was poo-pooed, doctors were poo-pooed and that whole side of life was like, I just tough it out, pray, you're good to go. So all this trauma is coming up. She has a massive distrust of therapists in general. I've been like, hey, I really want you to go. And she's like, yeah, I know I need to. I just, she tells me she doesn't believe she can open up to a therapist and she doesn't believe that the therapist can actually help her with what's going on. And so I'm like, well, I can't force you to go. But I'm struggling with resentment because with an ACEs of 10, she's got some stuff to deal with. And so she kind of ends up vomiting on me I was going to say, your life is hell. Hers is too, but your life is hell. Well, sometimes. Sometimes, yes. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I know you love your wife, and I know you're a good man. Thank you. I don't want you defending her to the point of dishonesty with me on this call, okay? Yeah. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, it is. Okay. Home can be tough sometimes. Home can probably be tough a lot. Yeah. Because even when it's good, there's that edge, right? Yeah. Yeah. And we both want to have kids someday, and we're just trying to deal with this as best as we can. So I just want to figure out how I can encourage her to go to therapy. What can I do? I feel like I'm out of tools. I listened to you for years, and I've used as many tools as I can from you, and you've helped me a ton. So thank you for that, first off. But I just need some more tools. Like, she's my ride or die. I'm her ride or die. I want to push on you. She's not. You're riding. Yeah. And she's riding next to you. But she's dragging behind her a chain with 10,000 pounds behind the bike. That's exactly the perfect picture. Okay. So she's not interested at this moment? Yeah, she's not interested at this moment. So she's not riding or dying with you. She's riding or dying with her trauma, her traumatic past. Yeah. And she'll let you ride next to her if you want to drive real slow. Well, I'm also really good at helping her. I bring peace to her life. And in a strange way, this is going to sound awful for me to say this, okay? But if you continue to show up and be her regulating device, she will never learn the skills to self-soothe, to self-regulate, to become present in her own skin. Yeah. And so the only thing you can do here, and you're going to feel powerless. And, bro, I wish I had known this in year two. I learned this in year, like, 20. Okay? Okay. The only thing on planet Earth you can control is you. Yeah. And here's what that means. If you're screaming and yelling, I will walk out the door. If you are breaking things, I will go stay at. If you, and I will always be here to pick you up, to take you to whatever. But the only person I can keep safe right now is me. Because I've given you three, four, five. Five paths to staying safe, and you won't walk on them. I hear you. You're creating a codependent trap for you and your wife, and it's going to be a nightmare to untangle it. Yes. It's already there. And growing up, I was the one who did this. You marry your past trauma, and that's my parents' word. So that holds true. So you know. So you have a lived experience of the futility of being responsible for other people's emotional states. Yes. Absolutely. And you're recreating it again. And it's an absolute stone recipe for you resenting this woman, and I don't think she deserves that, and I don't want that for you. No. So here's another little layer. Whenever, like what you just said, you said, "Hey, if you're screaming or whatever, I'm just going to leave and come back when you calm down." Mm-hmm. She was pretty much abandoned when she was growing up, and so she sees me leaving. That conversation is just me abandoning her, and that winds her up even more. I mean, is there something she can do, like- Yes. She can go- Bring therapy- Do what? Is there just stuff she can do just herself to prepare for therapy? She has an ACEs score of 10. That tells me that she is at extremely elevated risk of cancer, dementia, heart attacks, all sorts of chronic pain issues. Yeah, autoimmune, everything. Yes. Yep. Yep. And so this isn't something she can flex through, this is not something at that level that she's been through. Hell, brother. Yep. If you hear some of the stories, man, you, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Short of, and I know you've tried all these things, I'll go with you, I'll hold your hand through it, we'll figure out, I'll work extra shifts, and we'll get a concierge therapist to come into our home. But the war she's gonna have to fight is that vulnerability would have gotten her killed as a kid. Yes. And that's the medicine that she needs right now. It's tough. I mean, everything you're saying is true. It's really tough. So maybe I could get her to start with. Have you started seeing somebody? Not yet. Okay, then you can't get onto her for naught until you go. Okay. And. I appreciate that. Every time you go, go by example, and I want you, 'cause you grew up in hell too, what's your ACEs score, by the way? That's around a five or a seven. Okay. Okay. So. Maybe successful, but. Well, that's the problem sometimes, right? People pat you on the back for it. Yeah. They either put you in jail for it or they pat you on the back and give you money for it. Exactly. You being honest about your lived experience in therapy. Okay. Seeing somebody. Okay. I'm sleeping a little bit deeper. Today was a hard, hard session and it was really scary, but I feel good right now. I feel worn out right now. Yeah. In a good way. Like after I just got. I remember leaving a few sessions where I left feeling like I'd been through a hard workout. Yeah. Right? And I'd sat on a couch for an hour. Right. No, I've. You going first and giving her a lived experience, and then after three or four times, saying, "I would really love it if you came with me." Okay. And she might say no 20 times. Okay. Maybe. Showing her. Yeah. Showing her the benefits of it, showing her how it's helping me, like you said, leading by example. Just lead by example. Would you say BetterHelp's a good option for me to start with? with her no not with her no she needs she she needs some in-person treatment okay okay yeah i mean better help might be a good place like if she won't go any well someone in her situation the challenge like you might be okay to start with better help um with an online platform like that my concern for somebody with an aces score of 10 is they're going to end up in the same place they're going to talk for one or two sessions and they're going to be like hey you need to get referred out and that will feel like abandonment okay okay oh my i'm too much even for a professional therapist not understanding the ins and outs of context and in person versus like right it's just going to feel like another rejection yeah what is there any particular therapist i should look for um yes like look in your local area for people who are trauma focused trained trauma focused train okay and the reason i'm bringing this up right just right now is we're both young and i want to get this out of our system before we start getting older i mean you know my frontal lobe just developed i'm like 26 she's like in her early 20s so i want to get this before it really sets in and i think that's wise and this is this type of healing is not fixing a broken leg no these stories are a part of the healing process and i think that's why i'm talking about these stories are a part of you for the rest of your life it's like a scar that sits on you that you have forever the the the way i would describe it is this the thing still happened but your body doesn't respond in the present as though it's happening okay and so you can think about a thing you can remember a thing you can be driving down the road and something flashed into your mind an old old memory and your body doesn't go into immediate fight or flight i gotta get out of here now yeah and in your situation given your wife's history y'all are sitting on the couch relaxing after a day at work and you reach over and put your hand on her leg and she goes full catatonic or full panic yep she can accept your like feel your hand on her leg and it feels like home it feels like peace not like a declaration of war yeah that's what healing is it's not going to take away what happened no well i can't right but but you can this is a it's your process you're thinking like for sure who knows how long it'll take dude take all the time limits off okay take all those time limits off because here's the deal when y'all have kids another threat detection system pops back up that you didn't even know was there because it's been through kids before okay and it recognizes when you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're in a situation when you if you have a daughter who turns six and that's the year your wife started the uncle started showing up at the house yep that whole system gets lit up like a christmas tree as we hope it would yeah and so she's in a lifelong conversation about i wasn't okay then but i'm working hard to be okay now okay and our dream is for me i don't like i know i don't like not knowing i know yeah but that's how you've responded to all the chaos in your life is i will i will control every variable yep and you have that will that will bury you in this situation okay your freedom that you're looking for is on the release of variables yep right okay and i think there's some some i'm sure your wife's been through the battery of diagnostics and all that stuff not yet no trying to get her to go uh yeah you're right i i totally blew that um yeah she won't even go so you're right um if she wants to call into the show i'd be i'd love to talk to her she may not talk to me either but here here's the thing and this is going to sound bananas the focus i would take with your wife out of the gate is her body's probably working directionally right trying to keep her safe yeah and sometimes that simple frame it's trying its best to keep you safe and it worked for a while and now it's just in a different context and so you've heard me say this a million times but the things that kept you safe as a kid even marginally safe will destroy your adult relationships that's where we're at so it's just it becomes less of a you're broken you got to go get fixed and more i need to go learn some new skills okay i like that accept yourself and go hey your body was protecting you now it's just different context you don't need to go fight the beasts in the jungle anymore yeah during a safe house that's it and so now we have to learn how to go outside in a jungle where there's no lions and exhale and here's what really sucks is we live in a crazy world there might be lions yeah right and so that's yeah that's the balance that's the balance and if you look at it as one loss heal or broken or fixed or broken is a better way to say that if you look at it as one lost fixed or broken then and like now and then man you're putting your you're boxing yourself into a really binary algebraic equation and that's not how healing works okay healing works from the inside out it's she's not going to walk out of her room after six months of therapy and be like i feel amazing yeah i'm healed what yeah what will happen is you'll say something dumb and she'll be walking to get some coffee and she'll realize oh my gosh my body didn't just set off huh yeah or she won't scream back at you and you'll go huh that's what healing looks like it looks like a hug that lasts a little bit too long that'd be nice you know what i mean yeah but i just want to tell you this brother thank you for loving your wife yeah there's a few more powerless feelings in the world when you got sick kids and there's a it's powerless feeling when your spouse your person you love more than anything in the world is struggling it is because it carries into everything it does money everything just joy just peace just just laughter in your home warmth all of it yep yeah totally yeah john thank you really appreciate it you made good a good path forward i'm gonna take it when all else fails go first i will okay thank you sir and uh do you have a you have an iphone i do have an iphone all right hang on the line i'm gonna hook you up with a year of the together app i want you to practice with your wife tiny steps tiny steps tiny steps of re-connection and here's what that will look like that will look like one action step that will slowly over time teach your body that some men were not safe but this one is hit the nail on the head right there okay and it will teach it will teach you that sometimes my wife has really giant feelings but not right this second and we're going to slowly work back together hang on the line hook y'all up with that as my gift um yeah you go first and man i i hope i don't sound fatalistic but if you have an asa score of 10 you've got to get some professional intervention that is that's every risk factor is just a neon red blinking light and um just having to surrender and say this this i grew up in hell and i need uh some of some folks to walk with me out and thankfully we live in a world where we don't have to live in a time and a place in history where that's possible so i wish you guys the absolute best um blessings to you and if she ever wants to call on the show we'll get her on i'd love to talk to her thanks for the call brother we'll be right back all right everyone summer is over i hope you had a great one i hope you went on a vacation i hope you took the time to slow down and relax because now we're back to real life full overwhelming calendars kids school activities racing around all over but listen we're back to real life we're back to real life we're back to what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day there is cozy earth they're bamboo sheets they're like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in except way more comfortable than that they're 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I have to first talk about this. I know you told me there's a follow-up call that we need to get to. But now we have a real problem, you and I, Kelly. Because last week I was on the road doing comedy shows in cities I haven't been to in 15, 20 years. And the rooms were packed. I brought a couple of comedians from Nashville who were hilarious. It was a barn burner time. And in the signing lines in both states, people handed me giraffe paraphernalia, Kelly. Stuffed giraffe, giraffe stickers. Those giraffe stickers that you. They're hilarious. I don't know where the person got them, but kudos. They're incredible. Those were fantastic. I know. My wife saw them and she's like, these are incredible. Who made these? And even funnier joke, the woman who gave me the stuffed giraffe had an OU necklace on it because she knows my disdain for. Anyway. As a fellow Texan, I do appreciate. As do I. I feel that. And it was in Oklahoma. But I'm the giraffe sex guy now. Clip that. Clip that. You just have no idea how happy that makes me. I laugh. I laughed so hard. I. Yeah. The first one I got, I was back in the green room and one of the comics was like, hey, some woman just came up and said to give this to you. And I was like, what is it? What? Oh, God. And I started dying laughing. I went and chased out to find out who she was. And then it just kept happening. Oh, and then Sunday night, I'm on stage with Andy Downs for her book release party. And she's like, all right, going through this quiz. And she's like, all right, rapid fire quiz questions. You have to let one animal go extinct. First animal, giraffe. And I was like, come on, Andy. And she's like, well, she had no idea. And I totally thought she was playing it too. See, the universe is. It's conspiring. It's conspiring against you. Listen, internets, I don't have a giraffe thing. I don't. I don't. I beg to differ. Oh, boy. That's what I need. All right. So what you got, Kelly? All right. So on the show that came out just two days ago, for those that are listening to this on the day it comes out. So this comes out on Friday the 16th. This came out on the show that came out on Wednesday the 14th. Featured a caller. It was Ray from Milwaukee. And he was having trouble connecting with his teenage son. And so he was talking about his son had dyed his hair blue. And he was just really struggling with the connection. Oh, I remember that guy told him he should dye his hair blue. Yeah, yeah. He did. No! Yes. And we were posting a picture. Ray gave us permission to post a picture. He did it. And so I want to read what he said. He said, Well, you said it would be cool to dye my hair blue like my son's and send you a picture. So I figured I couldn't talk the talk without walking the walk. I'm not sure my son knew what he was getting himself into when he told me he wanted blue hair. But apparently now we're a matching set. Honestly, this whole thing started as a conversation about wanting to support my son while still being his dad, setting boundaries and letting him become his own person. I never expected the dye your hair blue to become part of the parenting advice. So here we are, father and son rocking blue hair. Thanks for the advice, the perspective, and for reminding me that sometimes supporting our kids means being willing to overlook, to look a little ridiculous ourselves. Nice, Ray. That's awesome. Now, if the next letter, Ray, if your next letter is, Well, I got fired today for going into work with blue hair and my kid got kicked out of school. I'll tell you, that's my bad. But I don't know. There's something that takes, that takes the punk rock out of certain activities, like the hardcore when your dad saddles up next to you, like, oh, look at my blue hair. And you're like, uh, I'll just, I'll just dye it back to brown. Ray, you're a hero of mine, dude. Well done. I should have done that. I've been complaining about my son's, like, bro country haircut. I should have just mulleted it out. Game on. Oh, it's happening now. It's happening. Love you guys. We'll see you next time.