277: Calculated Cruelty..

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This episode is brought to you by Credit Karma. When it comes to your money, Credit Karma keeps you ahead of the game. You can count on Credit Karma to keep up with your financial needs as they evolve. They'll help you monitor your progress and give personalized recommendations so you can make strides towards your goals and find your way to money. Make sure you're on the right track, no matter where you are on your financial journey. Intuit Credit Karma, karma you can count on. Here we go. Welcome back. Another episode. This is releasing sometime in July, so we've got some fun colors in the studio. But this is a theme I've been thinking about for some time. Calculated cruelty, or another way to put it, going out of your way to be strategically mean. It's a doozy. That's tough. I'm very curious what you think of these stories because some of them are like a question mark at the end. Like, was he being really calculatedly cruel or was it a blessing in disguise? Or was she doing her a favor? We will see. But I think a lot of times in life, you have something that happens to you and you're just like, that was really mean. Like, there's no other way to interpret that, right? Like, it was so calculated and thought out and purposeful that you're kind of like second-guessing it. And I think it's a good thing. And you're like, that had to be vicious, right? That had to be mean. Like, there's no accident or oops, I didn't know involved there. Like, it is calculated. So I think it'll be good. Yay. Are you ready, Chatty McGee? Yes. Buck up, buttercup. Chatty. Yeah. Chatty McGee. It was ironic. Ironic. The irony. So, well, because I started doing this thing where, like, as you're talking, I'm thinking about, like, a calculated mean moment that I had and one that came to mind. And then I was thinking, like, I don't need to air that out, but. Air it out. It was just when I was serving, there was a manager who, I don't know what her deal was, but, like, she would do things that were no other way to describe than just, like, purposefully mean. There's a lot of those people out there. So I just remember being confused by that because. Why? It's not helping our work environment. And I don't know. It's. You hurt my feelings. I hate that shit. And it, honestly, it's really frustrating because it feels like it's harder to be mean. Like, you're going out of your way to be mean. It's so much easier to just be nice or just be neutral. Like, you don't even have to be overly nice. I think the thing, though, is that I think humans really want people to feel on their level. So, like, people that are, like, really happy. I mean, this is a conversation that's been had many times before. Not the first one here. But, like, people that are really happy, then they like to make other people happier because they're happy. I just saw TikTok on this. Really? It was, like, successful people compliment and don't block others. Yeah. And happy people are always positive. And it was just, like, this TikTok. Yeah, I literally just saw this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't find it. But if somebody is, like, really unhappy and then they see somebody who looks to be happier than them, then they want to pull them down to their level. I don't think that they necessarily want them to be less happy than they are. But I think that they want to feel that they're at a baseline. And so, therefore, they try to bring the people around them to match them so that they don't feel as bad as they do or as if it's as lonely or, like, isolated. Yeah. I don't know. But, like, because when I think about it. But when she was mean, a lot of people said that she just would pick on people to be mean to and that she was, like, that she had struggles in her own life and that she was unhappy and so that's just something that she did. And, again, that didn't come from her. It came from other people. But it would make sense. It just would make sense. And it's not. It's unfortunate that that happens so often. It sucks. But it does. It sucks. It sucks. And people need to look within. and go to therapy because it's also not fun to be that miserable and mean. Let's get into these stories and see what you think. And can't wait to hear you all sound off in the comments. Let's dive in. Let's do it. Okay, this first one we have comes with a little homework from Lauren. Lauren is on the hunt for something. Tell them what you're looking for. Okay. So actually, just to like, go back in time. Apparently, when people get braces, sometimes they pushed it out too far. So your tooth is like against the bone and your gum. And over time, it starts to wear, which that is what causes the recession. So a lot of people, if they see it, they see the gum recession. But it's actually because you're the bone is having recession. So then your gum follows it because it can only go so as where your bone is, right? So you're going to have to go back in time. And apparently, when people get braces, sometimes they push it out too far. And over time, it starts to even if you floss every night, like I do, and are very like adamant about everything, retainers and all that stuff. It's just over time that this is something that can happen. And unfortunately, it wore so much to the point that I'm like, really worried about how many years I have until potentially like I have like a loose tooth. So I just wanted to ask you guys because it was like emotional experience when I went to the dentist last and went to the orthodontist too. And I would just love to know if you guys have any really like highly recommended people that you could send my way. It could be Southern California that obviously be more convenient. But even if it's somewhere else, anybody that's just like, blows it out of the water, or if you know of anything, because I've been looking up and trying to figure out if there's any options to help with like bone growth. And I don't know if there's any options. I don't know if there's any options. I don't know. Sorry for the people who like I know some of this stuff like makes people cringe. So sorry for that. But I do know that there's other people that have dealt with this. So hopefully this like brings awareness. Yeah. Because it's really frustrating. It's frustrating when you're trying to do all the things and you still are, you know, met with like issues. Yeah. Yeah. Health, teeth, anything mouth related is just so hard to deal with. So Lauren is essentially looking for any solutions for like bone growth. in your jaw bone. I know we've like talked about stem cells and things like that. Or if you've done maybe like implants for bone growth or a bone graft, or if you have any recommendations for dentists, surgical people, like, please, please send them her way. And nerves and scarring too, because I try to do I went to a periodontist. I did a gum graft. Yeah, I did a gum graft. And like if you guys have been following along for a while, like I talked about it years ago. I like was like one of the episodes. And it ended up leaving this nerve damage. And I never, it never went away. So that's annoying. So if anything that you guys have that you could send my way, I would just appreciate it so much. Maybe you go and post on the two. I take subreddit too. So it's easy for people to just like leave all their feedback and stuff there. Yeah. And they can also message you on Instagram. But I feel like that's going to get a little lost. So I'll put a link for a post on Reddit. And you can send it to me. And I'll send it to you. And I'll leave all your recs there. And again, like, that would be amazing. It would just be so helpful. And you guys will see why we kind of plugged this before this story, because this story is about orthodontist work. And I mean, just insecurities and dealing with stuff like that. And it's it's so like traumatizing and tough to deal with. And so kind of nice to have a little village when dealing with stuff like this. So this first one is coming from r slash off my chest. It's a month old when I think about what my orthodontist told me. The day I got home after getting my braces off at 15, my mom saw me and became absolutely livid. She took me back to my orthodontist's office and demanded that they, quote, fix my face. The doctors didn't understand what she meant. So they brought out the before and after photos and my mom started pointing out every single little flaw in my appearance. For example, she said that from my side, my chin sticks out so far, that I look like a witch when I didn't before. I like love that look, by the way. So that's crazy. They said that these were minor things that may not have been a result of the braces and could just be genetic. But my mom was insistent that they had ruined my face and needed to continue working on it to correct their mistake. At that moment, one of the orthodontists asked me to speak with me outside the office. She told me, that I was beautiful and to not let my mom's words affect me. That's so important. I said, okay. But at the time, I didn't realize how deeply this would impact me for the rest of my life. We came back inside and my mom told me to choose whether or not I wanted them to continue to work on me. I had hated having braces for the past three years and chose not to get any further work done. My mom looked me in the eyes and said, quote, fine, but don't blame me when you're older. A few years later, she took me to a celebrity dental surgeon and asked what he could do to fix my face. He pointed out the asymmetry, but said that the only thing that could change it was jaw surgery, which he thought would be too complicated and painful to be worth it. After that, my mom told me not to show people the left side of my face. Oh my God. Especially if it was a guy that I liked. Wow. She even told me not to wear my retainer in hopes that my face would reverse. Back to how it was before. Oh my God. When it was my sister's turn to get braces, my mom took her to a different orthodontist. She said verbatim, quote, I don't want them ruining your face like they did to your sister. Unreal. Since then, I haven't stopped seeing every flaw my mom mentioned when I look in the mirror. It has deeply affected my life to the point where I was too scared to date anyone until my early twenties because I felt so ugly and I didn't want to face the rejection. Now she wonders why I didn't want to face the rejection. I don't want to face the rejection. People tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful, but because of what has been drilled into my head since I was 15, I just can't believe them. I really can't believe them. I was also diagnosed with BPD. So on top of having no stable sense of identity, I also don't even know what I look like anymore. I cry when I think about the kindness my orthodontist showed me that day. I realize now why they were so appalled to hear what this woman said in front of her own daughter. How cruel you must be to do that to your child. Oh, this hurts. This hurts so much because it's crazy that this is coming from her own mother. And this is hurtful no matter what. But to have like your family member, the person who's supposed to be looking out for you. And I just want to like absolutely give major props to the orthodontist who pulled her to the side and did that because I also, if anyone's listening, who is, in the medical profession or, or just in a role where people are looking to you when they're vulnerable, when they're hurt, when they're trying to make sure they're not hurt. So if you're a doctor or a dentist or an orthodontist or anything, anything, it's just like, keep in mind how much your words matter. And your words matter so much. If you are having a bad day and it's impacting your bedside manner, you need to remove yourself. You need to go outside the place, get a coffee, do something to shake it up. Like you do not need to be patient facing if you have a shit bedside manner. Exactly. Because people are in their most vulnerable state. Like you go to the doctors, you go to the gynecologist, like you don't, you don't get in that position for any, like other people. It's like, you're with your, you're with like a professional who you trust is going to make you feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. So if you can't get it together and say things that are going to be comforting, then you need to take the day off. Go home. Literally go home. Go home. That is on you. Like do not shame people. You have to look at it like this is their worst day. This is extremely hard. This is extremely vulnerable. Don't shame. Don't judge. Be kind. Yeah. Think before you talk. Like it's so important. I've had healthcare stuff where like, literally I went in for like, I went to urgent care and I was in high school and I had like a bump and I was just like panicking. Like as any sexually active 16 year old does. And I went in and this urgent care doctor shamed me so much and was so judgy and belittling and was like, this is what you get. So messed up. And it's just like, it ended up not being anything, but I was like, you caused me to panic and spiral. And I was a kid. Yeah. Like, and you were judging and being weird. Fucking weirdo. So messed up. Yeah. And that's why I just like, want it to be such a big reminder because like, I've had like a couple of like, really, really, like doctors who like, I think were, or dentists, like that were in a bad mood or something. I don't know, like throughout my lifetime, but like where it's like when they say something that's like weird, like you remember that you remember that from like your experience when you were a kid. And like, I just think everyone needs to remember how like anything that people say, right? Like there's a chance that it can impact them. But like when you're in a position of power like that, like really, you got to watch your words. So I just like, that's why I want to give such major flowers to this woman who pulled her to the side and was like, amazing orthodontist because it does matter. So again, I'll get off like my, my rant there. No, it's very personal for you right now. And I mean, you just went to the dentist last week and had a horrible experience. So it's like, it's so close to home. It's hitting so close to home for you. And I think it is a good reminder. I know we have a lot of providers out there that listen and you show the opposite side, like how good that orthodontist was. But unfortunately our writer here has a mom that was just absolutely off her rocker. And OP said it herself, cruel, like ridiculously cruel. And I think even if you're a parent, like there's something to take from every single story we read, but if you're a parent, like your words in front of your kids and what you say and how you talk to them and what you comment on their bodies and features matters. So we do have a picture of OP. Oh, wow. OP's Reddit account is 10 years old, has more achievements than I think I've seen on a Reddit account in quite some time. Over 10,000 karma. Show us the photo. And OP posted in another subreddit, r slash hair, dying only gray hairs. This is our writer. Oh my God. How? Absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful. And like, I'm just like, how is her mom? I'm doing that. That's crazy. That's crazy. Insane. And it's just like, I think I'm like, God, was the mom jealous? Was the mom jealous and like really just trying to destroy her and bring her down? It's crazy to me because it's like the fact that her mom is trying to like say that her chin looks like a witch or whatever is the is so crazy to me. I'm like, what? Honestly, what? Like so pretty. And I'm looking, I'm like, face is really symmetrical. Yes. That is so wild. Honestly, a really nice chin. Yes. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, yeah, people do jaw surgeries to get that. To look like that. Yeah. Like what? It's insane. Absolutely insane. I mean, it would be insane no matter. Regardless. No matter. But like, it's just like crazy that like for her to, that's, that's when you just know that it really is just so cruel to like say that her chin looks like a witch. I love pointy chins. So like even you saying that in the start, I was like, that's weird in general. But like it's, ugh, that's crazy. Crazy. Top comment. Is that really you in the photo on your other post? Yes, you are beautiful. I'm sorry your mother destroyed your self-esteem. That is really hard to get back. My self-esteem issues aren't related to my looks and I still struggle accepting compliments on my looks and my personality from my husband. Over time, you can work through it. Next comment. Oh my God, I just went and looked because of this comment and you are absolutely right. OP is really beautiful. Her mother definitely has issues. Mm-hmm. A bunch of people then. Go look, see the photo. Same, I had to look and completely agree. She's beautiful. OP, please don't listen to those defeating memories. Your mom was harsh and rude. You were quite attractive and I see kindness in your eyes. That speaks volumes after what you've been through. Best of life to you. And so much support. Just people commenting. Please know that your mother's comments were a reflection of her own insecurity and control issues and not of you and your appearance. Moms are unfortunately, often, their daughters' first and cruelest bullies. That's horrible. I hope you are able to work on your self-esteem, identity, and sense of self. You deserve to feel good in your skin and confident in who you are, sending so much love and peace. Okay, so I saw this thing the other day and it says, the more controlling a person is, the greater amount of shame and fear that lives inside of them. People try to control others in an attempt to avoid facing their own fear. Fear and shame. And I just think that that rings so true. Yeah, no, that is really profound. So true. And so with these comments, and they're talking about like OP's mom and how OP's mom showed up it's like that's because OP's mom has an insane amount of fear and shame inside of her and that's just so sad because I assume that OP's mom loves her daughter but she she couldn't navigate her own issue like the own issues that she has well enough to be able to protect her daughter from them and that and it sucks when that happens it's insane and I think there's a big push for people to get therapy and be healed I think if you're gonna have kids you really got to work on your shit yeah so you don't take out whatever shame issues you were scarred with out on your kids like break the cycle right break the cycle yeah I think that's something I look at my myself and something I've really really tried to work to do yeah of like breaking the cycle yeah that's good yeah it's it's crazy like it's hard we and that's the thing is that like I think a lot of people look at other people and think that just because they don't see insecurities outwardly they like forget that like we all have them oh we all have them it doesn't matter how famous or beautiful like somebody is like those people that we're looking up to like they also have insecurities absolutely and they can if we if we dwell on them they can really continue to have insecurities and they can really continue to have insecurities and they can really consume us and it's it's awful it's a horrible feeling that's why like particularly like I feel for OP so much because it becomes like a ruminating and like obsessive thought and it's it's impacting the way that she shows up and like her true happiness and experiencing life and like I mean like I've yeah I've I've just I felt like the reason me and Morgan were talking about this is because I I just I had like a dentist who like kind of like recoiled at the recession that I have on this one tooth and it just it it it like it shook me and it's so unprofessional it maybe it maybe seems like a small thing to a lot of people and the dentist probably like didn't even think that it was that big of a deal of his reaction but it's like when it's something that has already like made me feel so frustrated and insecure over then like to have the professional react that way just like really really shook me again extremely unprofessional but yeah moral of the story like everyone is dealing with their own insecurities and just be kind to each other and if you know for OP go to therapy realize you are beautiful realize you're kind your mom whatever crazy place she was coming from is not true and to find your sense of self I really think a big part of that is like finding things you love what makes you feel happy what makes you feel passionate it could be something as simple as or yeah I love my dog and I'm gonna go walk my dog and be mindful and like I think practicing more gratitude is so healing I'm grateful for this like one thing every day can change your brain so lessons I have another thing that's profound that I kind of want to share okay okay I can't find it um but basically it was this guy talking about how I don't know the exact way he framed it but it's like you don't have to you don't have to like pretend that you don't have problems or issues it's about acknowledging all of the other good things around it so like each time something happens like oh it's such a bummer that I'm so late to work right now I'm so stressed but then you go but I'm but I'm very happy that I have a car to get to work and I'm so grateful that I have a job to get to and I'm I'm so grateful that you know like there's it's like a one in three rule or something like that so it's basically and it you know this person put it way better than I'm trying to repeat it but I just think it's like a really empowering uh concept where it's like each time you run into an issue you don't have to pretend that the issue isn't there but like just like doing adding to the gratitude of it it just retrains your brain to like actually focus on these things that bring you happiness and yeah and over time if you continuously practice that then you you just start being a happier person well and it's the reframing right where it's like yeah I might have been late but look at what I have yeah and it's like let's reframe and like check back in with reality like that wasn't a big deal this is actually what reality is I love that yeah okay well put your thoughts in the comments and moving on to this next one this one is coming from our very own two hot takes subreddit couple days old titled mother-in-law came to my house to dig up my flower bed because my husband's ex-girlfriend asked her to for context my husband male 37 and I female 30 had both recently gotten out of long-term relationships when we met and we got married after only six months together I moved out of my apartment and moved into the house that he has also owned and lived in for the past 10 years four of those being with his ex there is a flower bed in my house surrounding the perimeter of the house with a mix of flowers that she planted and also flowers that my husband says have been there since he bought the house I also looked at the old house listing from 2016 and yep most of the stuff in the front flower bed was still there I've never owned a house before so I was excited to have a garden and plant some new flowers and take care of the existing ones today I was supposed to work but I had the day off I usually work Monday through Friday evenings and my husband works all day so I'm going to work all day and I'm going to work all day every day typically so I'm coming home and I pass by my husband's mom in the car clearly passing our house I stop roll down the window to say hello and before I can even say anything she says to me along the lines of quote I'm here to feel the ground to see if it's soft enough to dig up because ex-girlfriend's name had asked me to dig up the flowers she planted she didn't really want to come do it herself then asked me to then said never mind but I still am going to literally I don't know what to say I said it was fine and went into my house while she poked around the flower bed I immediately called my husband and told him that this isn't okay he needs to talk to her I feel uncomfortable that one his mom talks to her to the point where she felt comfortable asking his elderly mother to dig up our flower bed and two that his mom would actually come to my house to do it while I'm at work that's crazy I don't even know what else to do or how to handle this I just feel incredibly disrespected as his wife I should also mention that his mom and his two sisters had taken her to dinner for her birthday after they had been broken up for a month and she was in the process of moving out but when that happened his best friend told me that they weren't even close to her and didn't like her that much so it's just confusing to me how am I supposed to feel comfortable with his family and form a relationship with them am I overreacting would you drive to my house and tell him that I'm not going to do it to your adult son's house that he owns and shares with his wife to dig up the flower bed because his ex-girlfriend asked you to that's insane this is so weird you're gonna come steal flowers back go to Lowe's baby they got sales also how long is it been if she's married then how long has it been I know got married after only six months but yeah have you been married for a week two months a year and how long were they like broken up for I don't know the whole thing is just weird to me I one of my like boyfriend at the time his ex after we were dating and they had been broken up for whatever it was a long time she realized that he was staying with me and being with me and that like I'm his girlfriend then she started pulling stuff like that where she would be like by the way I have sweatshirts of yours that I need to get back or like like stuff like that where it was just like when can I bring like your sweatshirts and he was like I don't I don't really care about them like you can keep them or donate them yeah give them to one of my friends that like I'm good you see because they were in college we're in college and he can bring it back and she's like nope I need to hand deliver them to you because it's an excuse exactly it's an excuse to like and like control where it's like you're gonna give me your time yeah and it's just some weird manipulative thing it's like flowers you know dude pulling them out of the ground re-plotting them maybe they'll take but you could also kill them and flowers can add up and be pricey but just ask him to reimburse you exactly go get new flowers exactly like hey I made improvements to your home that I'm not gonna benefit from can you please reimburse me yeah flowers right there's no mention how long they've been married op did post this in other subreddits but I'm not seeing really any other context comments about how long they've been together there is a comment here that says I think your mother-in-law thinks you were the mistress which I mean they were together for four years and then he marries this new person after six months family's probably they're gabbing they're talking their shit they're coming up with all sorts of rumors and hypotheses op does respond she totally does which I'm not going to I believe the ex-girlfriend does too. I can't blame them. I probably would too if I were on the other end. and someone responds your husband needs to clear that up for you yeah like don't don't run my name through the mud hell no so how did husband react like there's a comment here that says he hasn't been home from work yet to actually discuss and all he has said so far is that it's weird he feels violated and he will handle it and talk to his mom so he's not feeling great about it either yeah feels super weird feels like it's crossing a boundary which yeah it's like like out of all the ways to just like jab at me you're gonna come to my house and just dig up my flowers i would be pissed it feels really weird yeah so we don't have any update on this one yet op if you're out there listening please keep us posted top comment your husband needs to put a stop to this it's his crazy ass mom causing unnecessary drama next one down for real why is his mom still taking orders from an ex who moved out and why is she showing up to your house while you're at work that's insane behavior feel free to call the cops for destruction of property since that's what this is i would also put up a camera like if you don't have home security cameras already you should put up a camera and um there's brands that are amazing like yuffie i love yuffie they don't have a subscription not sponsored i just genuinely love them and i think they're less problematic than other home security brands i saw someone post a video of their amazon alexa like talking at them and it's like some agent on the other end of that device turned their mic on and was just like that's insane it's scary yeah actually like and that's the other thing it's like uh all these cameras and all these devices and all these things tracking us and it's just like we're gonna we're gonna have like zero privacy eventually like i don't know how we're going to i came across this video the other day where a guy was talking to his alexa and was like how did you know the nursing yeah yes that one freaked me out too i thought i was trying to figure out if it was like a prank or something i don't think so so basically this guy was just like confronting his alexa because the alexa said he was a nurse and he's like i've never mentioned that to you how would you know this about me and there's all these other cameras like flock like flock cameras are going up in the air and they're like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god every city across the u.s all of these new data centers are basically to store all of this surveillance on on u.s citizens and it's terrifying and so all these flock cameras are going up and they're already massively being violated there's already massive lawsuits from people like basically being like my rights have been violated people that have access to them the people that i've seen that these news articles are coming out about our police and police are stalking people this one guy the cameras over 3 000 times to stalk someone he was dating it's like shouldn't have access to stuff like that terrifying like why are we creating this hyper surveillance state if it's like this now i just wonder what it's going to look like in 10 years scary ass thought scary ass thought but um yeah i think you definitely need to get your husband on board if he's not and set some boundaries and get a security camera for your house and i get a security camera for your house get that's it kind of feels bad but if they show up at your house you need to know if they go harvest to these plants you need them on tape so it's a little catch-22 there so weird i was was there communication beforehand like about no we didn't have anything like being like hey like i know this is weird but like those plants mean a lot to me and they were expensive and i really want them for my yard and i bought them so like no is there a time that i can do that i can do that no there's no mention of that and a lot of plants i'm like i'm so curious what are they like are they tulips maybe she got some tulip bulbs when she went to amsterdam and planted them in the garden like are they sentimental if they are just communicate right that's what makes me feel like it's just like a weird move calculated yeah okay moving on to this next one this episode is brought to you by credit karma breathe in now breathe out you feel that that's the calm and of having intuit credit karma in your corner if you're trying to get your life together in this crazy world credit karma is a great place to start with the money stuff your credit score isn't just a number it can unlock better rates more options and real savings so whether you're moving leasing a car or upgrading your cards it feels good knowing your credit is working for you when you start to feel like there's too much on your plate you can count on credit karma for less craziness and more credit thanks to credit karma i realized i missed some student loan payments thanks credit karma this one is coming from our very own two hot takes subreddit titled is it unreasonable to treat masturbation as cheating in order to avoid bias i'm going to keep all pronouns neutral but this is about my heterosexual relationship there's also an age gap of 15 years and we have two children together we've been together for a little over 10 years now i'm just looking for some honest opinions yes i've had this talk with my partner a couple of times over the years but it is still a recurring problem i believe in masturbation i used to do it a lot more often when i was younger but it has slowed down a lot as i've gotten older and i only do it occasionally now like once or twice every few months my partner and i have fairly high sex drives and even after 10 years together we still have intimacy at least two to three times a week minus the occasional dry spell of a week or two when things are super stressful over the past years my partner doesn't masturbate and never has as far as i know not even when they were a teen or young adult recently over the last two to three years my partner has expressed that i should not masturbate either and doing so is essentially cheating they were in a previous abusive relationship before me where their partner cheated repeatedly including stuff like phone sex i've never been even slightly unfaithful to my partner and usually don't even watch porn when i masturbate i also use a toy that my partner got for me that i use with them in the bedroom regularly it is typically a very quick activity less than five minutes and coming gives me a nice little boost of energy none of this matters though and my partner has said that if i want pleasure like that then i should be going to them for it and doing it myself makes them feel that i don't desire them i've tried to explain that masturbation is a personal thing for me and it feels like very controlling to have my partner telling me what i can and cannot do to my own body yeah when i am alone we've never come to any kind of agreement or compromise on the topic now it has gotten to a point where anytime i masturbate they give me the cold shoulder for days oh my god i'm not even sure how they know when i do it but the reaction is always immediate that feels like a camera terrifying if i masturbate before they get home from work then they come home already knowing somehow and being upset about it i don't know what to do here am i in the wrong for refusing to give up occasionally masturbating or am i right to feel like this is controlling behavior from my partner it's very controlling and scary and i think you should look for cameras you need to be checking for cameras like they know immediately they come home from work what do they do sniff her out around no there's a camera there's a camera they're getting little pings watching you the other thing that i find interesting is that like there's not a mention of like specific like like as if op is viewing certain like porn websites or something like that like we're not so it's like is it rarely watching porn it doesn't mention that it's not focused on that like if the partner was just like you looking at other people while like doing that makes me feel horrible like then like that's yeah that's a different conversation but like what's interesting to me is like does op's partner still feel that way if op has like pictures of their partner or i mean i don't even think it's that though i think it's it's literally the control that's what i'm saying that's why i'm like that that's what's like very because you know everyone has different feelings about that like some people do like to they they want to be like i i want you to only like think of me yeah yeah so like some people like have those conversations and some couples are on board with that and everything so but like what's interesting is that like it seems like it's just the act itself at all doesn't matter if it's like photos of op's partner or whatnot so that's what makes it feel like extremely controlling extremely and the stonewalling that is so bad to punish your partner for not behaving in the way that you're expecting but it's beyond controlling it just feels absolutely illogically insane to me my partner has said that if i want pleasure like that then i should be going to them you have no bodily autonomy then you have no control over your body your desires your wants your needs that you can't even touch yourself if your partner's not around you you're not going to be able to control your body if you're not around or like hey i just want to get my rocks off i'm stressed i want a boost of energy whatever it is like no no if you want that you need to check in with me. I need to provide that for you. That is preposterous. Preposterous. Yeah. Like, honestly, if this continues to be a massive issue and they continue to stonewall you and punish you, this will end your relationship. No one wants to feel that way with their partner because it creates such an unsafe dynamic. Like you can't actually be yourself. And that's like something that I've been thinking about a lot lately is like editing yourself. Like how do you have to edit yourself in certain situations? And for example, work, you know, you're going to have different conversations with people at work than you are, you know, when you're at the bar with your friends. But I think about this a lot with like with the people that you spend the most time with, that you're the closest with. It's just like, are you editing yourself? And like, if so, why? And do you feel like you have to? Is it something you can talk through? Is it something where maybe this is just not like a good dynamic and it's not a match? And that's that's what I'm like when I hear this. How how could you with the person you're supposed to be the most comfortable with feel like you have to hide and be shamed about yourself? You I mean, you shouldn't have to do that. And if you are doing that, then you're not friends with the right people. You're not with the right person. Be yourself. Yeah. Point blank. Love me for me or this ain't going to work. Yeah. Like there's just there's no ifs, ands or buts about that. I do appreciate the fact that OP kept this super neutral because I'm thinking about it in my head, too. And I'm like, what am I envisioning OP to be? Does gender to me? And this does not matter. But I do find it. I'm like so curious because I'm so interested in like the dynamic. Yeah. But whether OP is. Woman, man, non-binary, they that I'm like, whatever, it's still so, so toxic. Yeah. People don't like to believe this about anybody on this podcast, but like I actually do flip it in my head a lot when I hear stories like I do think of it in this way where it's written, where I'm like, OK, how would I feel if this was happening to me versus like how would I feel if like I was doing this? And and so I do try to like put it in. I put myself in all the shoes. Yeah. So I try to do that, which is like which again is like a lot of times people are like, oh, you're just on like the the girl's side or like, oh, you're like you're you're on the guy's side. You're being like it's all these things. But like I really do. I really do flip it around. So I do like that. This like story is just neutral. Yeah, it's really nice. No one can accuse us of anything. No. Top comment. No, it's not cheating. And are there cameras you don't know about or something? How on earth would they know with certainty? OP responds. That has been a recent concern of mine just because of how immediately they know when I do it. Next comment. Oh, wow. This is a massive red flag. Terrifying. And another person responds just like the 15 year age gap. Next person that depends entirely on the age gap. Next person. That depends entirely on the age gap. Next person. That depends entirely on the ages they were when they met. Someone responds to that. They've been together for 10 years, which makes the age gap more concerning because there was a 15 year age gap when OP was 10 years younger. OP chimes back in and responds. We met shortly before my 30th. They were 45. We were both grown and had a casual friends with benefits situation for a short time before dating exclusively. A little more than a year into dating, we got pregnant with our first and moved in together shortly after the birth. Our second was born exactly the same. Three years and 13 days after our first. That clears up the genders. Check your house for cameras. I'm very serious. This is a psychopath level of control. Not allowing your partner to touch themselves, even when you're not around is unhinged. But him knowing exactly when you do it means he deliberately violates your privacy just for the sake of control. A partner that truly cares would be happy for the other or genuinely and kindly asked to watch instead of you need to come to me for pleasure. Blah. Wow. I didn't. What did you think? I thought female when I was in my head. And then I was shocked where I'm like a guy not masturbating at all. Yeah. Which, OK, maybe I'm like, I feel like everyone doesn't everyone try to get off like now and again. Right. Like never. Right. Never is like a pretty big like never. Right. That's why that's why I think I kind of was. If I had to guess, was thinking the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. True. Yeah. Because I mean, we've talked we've had like girlfriend nights where like everyone's talked and like there's been like multiple friends of mine that are just like, I'm not really into it. Right. I would rather do it with someone. So, yeah. Mm hmm. Literally, as people are hearing it, I think it'll go either way for a lot of people. Yeah. But no, this is insane. There are a couple of other comments from, OP. We have talked about it multiple times. We just can't reach an agreement or even agree to disagree peacefully, I guess. I've also begun to worry about the possibility of cameras I don't know about. I'm so creeped out. I'm so creeped out. OPAs asked, like, how do I check? Because people are like, please do a sweep for cameras in chargers and small appliances, nanny cams and teddy bears and such. And OP is like, how do I do that? And then people just share that there's various signal detection apps and devices out there. Don't know how effective any of them are. I've seen the hack where if you shut all the lights off and take your phone camera and scan it around a room like no lights, anything with a camera or like an infrared will have a glow to it. OK, so that's one way. Yeah. But you got to do a sweep. You absolutely got to do a sweep. So OP says this. I think I will try the toy first because we have extremely unreliable Wi-Fi that has been down for weeks. So that seems to rule out a hidden camera, at least for the most recent incident, 48 hours. I don't think it has Bluetooth, but I don't know what else it could be. So OP is thinking that maybe that toy because the partner got her the toy, got them the toy, whatever it is like. Yeah. And so they're thinking that maybe the partner knows because anytime you turn on the toy, it goes to like a frickin a phone. Oh, there's toys that you can control from your phone. Right. Right. Dude, that would be so insane. People are asking like, well, he'd be upset if he's not getting any. And OP's like, this isn't an instead of situation. It's on top of our normal active sex life. Sex two to three times a week. Yeah. After children. Hats off to you. I'm like, even so, though, like even even if. No, I'm just impressed by it. Right. Like not not anything really related. I'm just like, good for you because I'm 32 with no kids. And it's you know, we're having a hard time. Right now. We're a little busy. Yeah. I just don't even have words because this this really creeps me out. Like I don't I don't like how it feels at all. And it's like they're so deep into the relationship, too. And I'm curious, like how else the rest of the relationship is, because I don't feel like this can just be a one off. I mean, maybe. But like it feels like this type of control, it probably seeps into other areas, too, of the relationship. So I would just be really curious to hear if there's anything else. Yeah. Or if this is like very isolated because it's like a huge trigger for OP's partner because of their last relationship. And so it's like something that like the partner needs needs to work through on their own. And like if you're going to have those type of expectations of people like feel like you need to talk about them up front, like before you guys even say, like, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend, because if you're going to have that restrictive of expectations, you got to find someone else who feels the exact same way. I wonder if it's a newer thing. I'm very curious, as you said, if there's other issues. Does this bleed in anywhere else or is it only this? And wow, because this is an insane level of control and then abuse following by the stonewalling. So I have a hard time believing it doesn't seep elsewhere. But I would start to make this a hill I would die on, to be honest. Like I would probably try couples therapy and try to get a neutral third party to explain to my partner that this is healthy. This is normal. It's not right for you to try to inhibit that and then punish your partner for it. I would try to work through it with someone. But if they don't respond and this continues to be an issue, I honestly wouldn't feel safe anymore. No, like I wouldn't be able to stay in that relationship. OP posted on our subreddit, likely out there listening. Six year old account verified email. I thought you were going to say an update. No. Oh, you said it like it was going to be an update. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But what has happened with a lot of the two hot take stories that I've read, they hear it on the episode and then they come back. Oh, so I like to read these ones in hopes it inspires an update like or people, even if it's not on the two, I take subreddit like then people will from the podcast. I heard on the podcast is everything OK? And then they update. So it does help us get updates by reading these stories. Well, honestly, the two hot takes subreddit is so there's so so much there now it's grown so large that i saw in the comment section once that people were like oh my god i didn't even know that this was a podcast yeah it was on the post where our listener was writing about um being like two outtakes is the reason i'm alive and shared about their leukemia experience yeah and they were like i didn't know it was i just come here for the tea right but i remember when it was created when it was like so so small it was just like like just a baby just a few people on there and then so and i didn't look for a while and i remember looking back later and like a few months later i was like oh my gosh i know it's really crazy yeah i just clicked on the insights i'm like how many people see this sub over 11 million people have been on it in the past 30 days wow which is just like what the hell that's insane yeah that's insane it's so nuts i used to um i used to see like this little flare reddit used to have where it was like top one percent but i don't see that anymore i don't know if they still do it maybe it's gone i don't know maybe it's not the top one percent anymore i guess that just means you guys are gonna go have to write your two outtakes posts on there but again update us op and moving along to the next one this is coming from r slash am i overreacting it's titled my girlfriend of three years gifted my biggest insecurity to her friends as a funny story at game night oh no and i left am i overreacting no it's your biggest insecurity last weekend we did our usual game night at home everything was great until we had had a few drinks and found ourselves playing a classic never have i ever game out of nowhere my girlfriend 28 female starts sharing this story about how when we first started dating i was really anxious about being naked around her because i've got a scar from surgery i had as a kid she went into the store to detail even striking the awkward pose i apparently did that first time everyone burst out laughing meanwhile i was sitting right there my face probably as red as a tomato but i kept quiet didn't want to ruin the fun you know later when the guests left i told her calmly that it really stung that's a personal story i shared with her not fodder for laughs she just rolled her eyes and said babe it was funny you're way too sad i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry sensitive there are friends so i crashed on the couch come morning she acted like nothing had happened even made a joke about it again i packed a bag and went to stay with my brother for a few days now she's blowing up my phone saying i'm ruining the relationship over a stupid joke and that i embarrassed her in front of our friends by being distant all night i get that couples poke fun at each other but this felt different it was like she took something i've genuinely struggled with something i cried to her about early on and turned it into a punch line i've told her so many times that i really hate when people bring up the scar she absolutely knows this now i'm feeling guilty since she's crying and saying it wasn't meant to hurt part of me wonders if i'm overreacting and should just let it slide but another part thinks she crossed a line and doesn't even recognize it what should i do see that's the thing is that like if they had the time to type of relationship where they were constantly poking fun at each other there's couples that do that right and they love it and they get off on it it's great and that's fine yeah but if somebody comes to you even even if even if they had that relationship if they if someone comes to you crying about something saying that it is their biggest insecurity don't turn around and make a mockery of it specifically in front of people like no like it's like what was she thinking exactly like even doing that if it was just like one-on-one that could really really hurt sometimes people will cross the line like and think that like it's something that was in the past because they don't find it something that you should be ashamed of and that like they don't see it as something that should be an insecurity and so they're like oh no that's fine like it's fine to make fun of now that they've probably gotten past it but it's like no if somebody came to you and like cried to you and said that that's like one of their biggest insecurities and they're like oh no that's fine like it's fine to make fun of then it doesn't matter how like how ridiculous it might be like it's just like you got to respect that respect it yeah that's it yeah not that hard i mean op said i've told her so many times that i really hate when people bring up the scar yeah she absolutely knows this and then you talk about like okay the scar they are insecure about the scar and then because they're so insecure about the scar the first time we hooked up they did this awkward pose and then you act out the pose right does do you think that's going to make that person ever want to be intimate with you again yeah like ever want to be vulnerable with you again like what were you thinking that's not even something i would enjoy hearing right like that's not as a friend right i watched my friends and then their couple do that i would feel really uncomfortable i'd feel bad and i just like what the hell yeah what the hell yeah not overreacting you've been dating for three years it's a long time but i would have a hard time getting over this like you know i'm insecure about stretch marks and if justin made a comment in front of everyone like oh morgan in your stretch oh it'd be on sight yeah it'd be just it would not go well yeah and so it's like again why do you want to belittle me why do you want to demean me why do you want to make me feel worse about something that you already know i'm insecure and struggling with yeah why i will say though that i don't think i don't think this one was like intentionally cruel i think this one was okay i think this one was like a accidental yeah like there's like embarrassment that comes with saying a joke that doesn't land a joke that hurts somebody's feelings like there's a lot of embarrassment and and so we've had a lot of stories like this and it's a typical reaction to be like no you're being sensitive because like they now they feel as embarrassed as you do i mean not necessarily but you know what i mean like now they feel that way so they're trying to deflect and be like no no no like no you're like you need to be okay with this because it wasn't that big of a deal and so i think that that's probably what happened and op's partner was just trying to make light of it still and then once like op actually left that's when the partner like spiraled because then they were like what i did actually did damage and um i don't know like how did the partner how did the partner did the partner ever come around no not yet not yet not as far as we know i mean yeah and the problem i have too okay i'm with you for maybe it wasn't intentional maybe it was accidental and you're just a fucking horrible comedian but to then flip it and say you're the one ruining our relationship over a no that's my stupid joke and you embarrassed me by acting distant all night and now you're the one crying and you're the one making this about you just fucking admit you're wrong right just fall on your sword people if you can take one thing maybe from this story be okay falling on your sword yeah because it is gonna get you better results exactly if you genuinely did this on accident if you genuinely feel bad don't let the shame take over and then try to flip it yep fall on your sword so true it can just be a fucking butter knife it doesn't have to be a dagger like just no it's so you know and i think that not even like not even for the people out there who are like you don't have to be you don't have to be a bad person you know you don't have to like make some huge mistake like you could just make a small mistake and and fall on your sword like it's okay yeah it's okay like to you know to own that and i think that like it's a very like common like human reaction for us to just try to like protect ourselves and to like protect ourselves and to like protect ourselves by like i don't know whatever i mean it's unfortunate that the partner still won't let up the first few like responses would be more natural the like dying on this hill you're ruining our relationship like that's crazy now you're now you're getting to the point where like you're really losing the plot and you're like losing the point of of a relationship relationships are to be able to hear each other and respect each other love each other take each other's feelings so it's like now no like you're losing the plot like your partner is explaining to you and has explained to you beforehand how much this is painful for them and instead of taking a second to be like hmm do i love and care and respect and want to be with this person yes okay then maybe i should act like it you're just gonna like double down and die on this hill and that's that's the unfortunate thing that that happens sometimes but i do but with that being said like i don't i don't without any other context like i just don't think that like the partner was like trying to be evil yeah you know what i mean but you're also not overreacting no of course like do not feel like you're overreacting and you're wrong for these feelings yeah exactly which the top comment does agree not overreacting so disrespectful to tell the story in the first place but even more so to react like that when you brought up the issue next comment down and to triple down on it when he left to stay with family trying to turn it around on him clap your hands classic manipulator tactics, Sorry, OP. That's really fucked up. Not overreacting. And then someone responds and goes, Darvo at work. Deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. And this is something I wanted to bring up. And I really want psychologists to chime in because I am very curious about this. And I know with a lot of psychology phrasing and terminology like gaslighting and narcissist and things like that, it's kind of with the internet and pop culture, it's been twisted in a way that's not necessarily accurate. Like, oh, he gaslit me. And it's like, no, no, no, it wasn't actually gaslighting. And I'm curious if we're getting to a place like that with Darvo. Because is this Darvo? Is this truly like someone who's using this in an abusive way? Or is this someone being just defensive, which is also a innately human thing to do? And so are we, you know, how should we be using Darvo to be true to what Darvo is? I guess like when people like use abusive tactics in relationships, I think a lot of it is because it's like self-preservation, like defense mechanisms, like feeling shameful, feeling, you know, kind of like we're talking about, like the fear and shame turning into control. So that's why I'm like, and it ends up being, and it ends up being abusive. But like, I don't think that there's, there's obviously a difference between intending to be abusive and then just being abusive because you're trying to, you know, save face for yourself. It's a fine line, I guess. Yeah. I'd love for psychologists or any psychiatrists or any, you know, people that have really studied that to be like, okay, Darvo applies here, doesn't apply here. This is when you should use it. Because I'm like, is it one of those things? What is the definition of abusive or like an abusive? Abusive behavior includes actions that engender fear and intimidation or undermine the other person's self-determination. Many controlling behaviors may also be abusive within the context of physical or psychological abuse. Yeah. So I think that that's why I'm like, in terms of undermine the other person's self-determination that, I mean, that's very broad. Exactly. That, that literally could be, in this case, like you're undermining his feelings. So it's tough. Yeah. It's really tough. Like so much nuance. Right. Like abusive, the word abuse and abusive sounds like really heavy and it, and it is, but I think that it can be these smaller moments. I mean, there's another broader definition here coming from the United Nations. Includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. And then it's like, it can be all of these other, like, I mean, it's like, again, if it feels wrong and it feels like that to you, it probably would qualify. Yeah. I think a lot of people with that being said, a lot of people fall into this like Darvo trap is, and they're not trying to. I can see it. It's easy. It's easy to get defensive. Right. I've seen articles talk about like this innate human desire to always defend yourself. And by defending it, you can accidentally deny and be like, no, no, no. But like, I was coming from this place. And as you explain your intentions to try to defend yourself, it can then turn into Darvo. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, it's tough. Again, I'm excited to see the comments on this one, but that's all we got. Okay. That's all we got. So moving along. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. So this podcast is all about choices, wild, messy, wait, you did what? Choices. But for the choices that are actually straightforward, State Farm's got over 19,000 local agents, real humans, ready to help you. Like helping you save when you choose to bundle home and auto with the personal price plan. Bundling, just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Okay, we back. We stepped away. We're like, okay, are we giving funky energy? We stepped away. We walked across the street on an adventure, had three of the craziest interactions I've had in quite some time. We got some wine. I wouldn't even call them crazy. They were just so odd. Like I told Morgan I was standing behind her and I like wanted to lean over and look and see what Morgan's face was doing because I was like, is she making weird faces? I was just smiling at the person. We went to three different stores and not a single person there knew how to handle us. It was like everything we were saying was like, like I was like, we went to a wine store, got wine. I was like, this place is so cute. You have so many great wines. Like you have so many good little snacks. And it was just like, uh-huh. And then Lauren was asking about a claw clip and you're like, who are these made by? And she like said, said the name that was on there. And I was like, is it, is it like a small business? Small business. And she's like, everything here is a small or local business. And I was like, yay. Like, I don't, it was just so like, well, it was like everywhere we went, it was like, you should know this already. Yeah. Like you should know this. And then we went to a coffee place and I literally went to the coffee place to get clear cups for the wine. And I was like, yeah, can I get two shots of espresso and then like an oat milk chaser? And it just, it didn't go well, but everyone, everyone was nice, but just didn't, she was like, they thought we were weird. She was like, oat milk, like on, on the side. And Morgan was like, yeah. And she's like, okay, I guess. Sure. She was like, yeah, just like in a little espresso cup as well. She's like, and then I asked for a cup and she's like, can I have like two cups for water? And she was like, yeah, I'll have two cups. And I was like, okay, I'll have two cups. And she was like, there's cups over there and you can take as many as you want. And I was like, maybe she thought that I thought they charged per cup. I don't know. I don't know. It wasn't, it wasn't the word she was saying. It was the way that they were all saying the words. It was so crazy. It was like, as if they were like, um, like you good. Yeah. She was so cute too. I'm like, I'm like, did I scare you with my smile? I don't know. Yes, she, she didn't want to smile. None of them were big fans of smiling, but here we go. We've got a couple more crazy calculated, cruel ones. I've also got more lighthearted ones towards the end and a little bit of a crazy palate cleanser maybe. So let's get back in. Oh, so, um, I don't drink coffee that often anymore. Usually I have decaf. So are you shaking? What's happening? Yeah. I, I am. I don't know if you see that. It's very subtle. But my point is, is that like, if I start getting like jittery and weird, like just don't mind me. Just ignore us today. Focus on the stories. Yeah, exactly. Okay. This next one, this is coming from relationship advice. My fiance, 27 female ended our engagement over text and exploded when I 27 male accepted the breakup. I'm numb trying to process how my engagement evaporated over text last night. We've been together for one year and eight months engaged since October. She's bisexual with two female exes and she constantly compared me to them in those past relationships. She was always the masculine one early on. I told her it was completely okay. And that I accepted that about her, but she never treated me like a fiance when she took me to hang out with her friends. She wouldn't even introduce me. She just told me I'm a and should interact with them myself. Okay. I'm introverted and too shy to initiate without an introduction. So I was just left sitting there like a rock. That's so mean. I had my shortcomings too. I was constantly stressed, managing a heavy workload, paying bills and financially supporting my cousin through college. It made me preoccupied and spaced out. Meanwhile, she always demanded weekend travels, leaving me no money or time to rest. The breaking point happened when she had a for two nights, they cuddled in bed. Knowing her history, I admitted it made me jealous and uncomfortable. She brushed me off. I will do what I want to do. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Deal with it. Okay. Communication shattered. We had a massive fight on June 1st and she checked out. I spent days begging her to give us another chance, but she kept saying she didn't love me anymore. Clearly. Yesterday, completely exhausted, I finally texted her that I wanted to break up since I couldn't keep chasing someone who didn't care. Tonight, she sent the final blow, telling me she doesn't love me and to not waste her time. It broke me, but I didn't beg this time. I took the high road. I calmly texted back accepting her decision, apologized for my flaws, and thanked her for everything. My calm acceptance drove her insane. She exploded into brutal personal attacks, text shouting, you're proving me right. You're okay right away with the breakup. What the fuck? Where is your manhood? Oh, wow. She called me a backbone-less boy who needs his mother and no girl would ever want me and demanded I go tell her family we are over. Her text was an emotional trap. She expected me to crawl and beg again. When I acted like an adult and accepted her boundary, she lost her leverage and lost her mind. I sent one final text. I told her to enjoy her weekend and that I'm coming over this Saturday to face her parents directly, explain the breakup, get my things, and return her motorcycle. She immediately replied with more rage, blaming me for not fighting for her. I left her on read. How do I handle facing her parents this Saturday to explain the breakup and how do I maintain my boundaries if she shows up? Sorry. Wow. Have you ever explained your breakup to someone's parents? No. I don't. I'd be like, I'm not doing that. No. I just want my stuff. Here's your motorcycle. Let's call it good. Opie's ex scares me, first of all. Oh, scary. And I can't. If you have to look at Lauren's face for that, just like head shake, disheveled, just enraged, looking for the words. No, I was hoping you would cut that part out. It was so like your expression, though, says so much without saying nothing at all. Ooh, that espresso shot's hidden, man. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, that's all I got for you guys is nothing. What's that audio clip where it's like, oh, my God, it's like, God, there's an audio that would just like be perfect for that where it's like, oh, a nothing sandwich or like, no, that's Gordon Ramsay. I can envision it. And it's in there so deep where it's like, and you get nothing. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. Yeah. Like chocolate wasted. Like we didn't we took one sip of this wine. So it's not bad. It's the espresso. It's the espresso literally just like hit my head. Now I'm sweating and the odd interactions. Yeah. If this were me, I would really set the boundary of like, hey, let's meet on neutral turf and exchange goods. And then go our own ways. I mean, you're together for a year and eight months engaged after just a year moved pretty quick. But it's clear that the relationship is not respectful, not healthy. And thank God you're learning this now. I mean, you guys are 27. A lot of maturing to do. And I think this is like dodging a bullet of like your person who you thought you were going to be with doesn't really respect you. No. Doesn't treat you kindly. It's time to move on. Yeah. It already hurts me when people don't introduce me to other people, even if they do it like completely on accident. Like I'm. Oh, I did that to you. We talked about that one time. And I like I it already makes me feel kind of like, uh, like, like awkward. But like if I were to ask and then the person were to be like, grow up, I would be like, no, I'm a baby. No, but that's that is actually social etiquette. So I know that's something that like I'm genuinely bad at and I know it because I always go in. Yeah, I agree. I was just no, no, no, no. It's something I really have tried to work on because it's like, when do you like if you're like, hey, how are you? And you reconnect and then someone else is with you. It's like, when's the appropriate time to be like, OK, before we get any further, this is my friend Lauren. Lauren, this is Doug. Like, how do you go about that? And I actually got this etiquette video of this instructor teaching children how to make proper introductions. And I'm like, can I sign up? And there's rules to do it where you should be able to sign up. You should repeat the name twice within a certain amount of time. And you say every name in whatever specific order. And it's like it's different depending on genders and which you say first. And I'm like, there's actually a lot of rules and techniques for introductions. But it's like that's the bare minimum. Like when it's your partner, you think you would want to introduce them and be like, this is my boyfriend. Right. This is my fiance. It almost feels like, oh, you want to hide me. I just can't imagine like like turning around and being like, grow up. I think that's so it's. Again, it's just I and I do. I recognize, too, that like this is something that I do more often than other people because I'll host happy hours. And so I will I want to make sure that everybody who doesn't know each other like it feels comfortable. So it's like become kind of ingrained in me to make sure that like when a new person enters the room, that like even if somebody is in the middle of their sentence, like I'm I'm going to I'm going to interrupt in order to let this person feel comfortable, because the the best thing is that everybody there feels comfortable and feels known. Yeah. And so even if it's like I normally wouldn't interrupt, but that's like the well in a situation like that. But that's the time where it to me, it makes sense to you. So I realize a lot of people because like even like my partner, like it doesn't come natural to him either. Like it's just it's not something that like he normally like does on a daily basis. And like, honestly, too, with like. With how long we all were like doing stuff virtually with with covid and everything, like even more so doesn't come naturally to a lot of us. So feel that. Yeah. But for someone to reach out and say, please, like introduce like introduce me. Asking so nicely. Oh, my God. I that's just such a mean response back. Everything about this is like there's not anything positive here. There's the the lack of respect is so loud. It's barking at him. Why does that happen in relationships, too? Like where people just start losing respect for each other? I think resentment. Yeah. I think your partner doesn't wash a dish, doesn't wash a dish. It is resentment. And resentment builds and you don't respect them anymore. And it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, when you start feeling that. Oh, so true. That was like the book that it talks about that. I know that it's John Gottman. Yeah, I know. And I remember that part of the book of where it was like, that's exactly what happens. It's these little moments of resentment that build up over time. And then once you like lose the respect in the relationship, it's like it makes everything really, really hard. Yeah. The Roach Motel, as he calls it. Top comment. And they're just quoting Opie's examples. She had a female friend stay at my house for two nights. They cuddled in bed. I spent days begging. She doesn't love me. This was an absolute train wreck, dude. Dodged a bullet. Yeah. And I think that's another point, too, where it's like she had a friend over, stayed at my house, cuddled in bed for two days. I do think like you can do those things with friends. Like if me and you were cuddled up on the couch, I think that's fine. But it's like they're in their bed and your partner is saying like, hey, it's just making me feel kind of uncomfortable. Like, I don't know. You still have to respect your partner's feelings. Yeah. And I don't know. Like, I don't I feel like there's a difference between like hanging out with your friend and like and closeness and like just a normal friendship intimacy versus like they're cuddling in bed. And so I'm like, I don't know. Kind of odd. Yeah. I mean, I think that, again, it just boils down to each relationship and how each person feels, because it's like, yeah, some people like I know, like sisters that will like cuddle before falling asleep. And. It's just that's like normal for them. Yeah. And like, so I think that if that was the only thing, then OP probably wouldn't really care. But it's there's too many things. So then it feels just like a disrespect. And I've seen some weird stories on Reddit lately with like sisters being naked in bed together watching movies. Like some guy was like, my roommate and her sister were naked in my bed watching movies. And I came home and I'm like. There's been like a lot of weird stories where I'm like, is that normal? I don't know. Or sisters showering together all the time. Yeah. Like just like a normal, like not a gym, not like not at the gym, like in a house bathtub shower set up. Yeah. I'm like, it's not even fun showering with your partner. One of you is always cold. Yes. You're trying to share the water. Yeah. Awkwardly moving around. What happens if you drop the soap? It's not fun. I don't know because I didn't I didn't I never had a relationship like that with like my family members growing up. But like I know some people do. So it's I don't really have a say on it. Kind of like I'm going to I'm going to maybe that's my. My hot take for the day. I think it's kind of weird. Yeah. But then other people think it's weird that some people have problems with nakedness. Yeah. That people have to sexualize nakedness, which I don't know, whatever. I know. Naked colonies are popping back up, though. Well. To each their own. Would you go to one? Maybe. Have you been to a naked beach? No. That is on my list. That's my first stop. I don't want bottoms, though. I want top off only. That. Yeah. So. I mean, if everyone had their bottoms off, then who cares? See, I don't think I would do that because there's as we were talking about earlier in the episode, everything is being recorded. True. You just can't get away from it. And like, I don't need that being shared and passed around. Like, no. Okay, friends, we're moving on to this next one. Specifically for free. For free? No chance. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam-packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve. And I've never, never been complimented more. 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That's T-A-L-K-I-A-T-R-Y dot com slash hot takes. Talkiatry.com slash hot takes. Okay, this next one is one of the weirder ones I think I've come across lately. And this is definitely going to be one where like, determine if it's intentional or not, okay? So this is coming from Am I the Asshole? It's titled, Am I the Asshole for Shushing My Girlfriend in Public? I was driving with my girlfriend in the passenger seat a few days ago. We were stuck at a busy intersection in traffic. There was a young woman trying to turn across the traffic and seemed hesitant even though there was a gap. So I waved her through. Instead of going, she slowly crept forward, and kind of froze. At that point, another car was coming closer, so I waved more urgently and beeped my horn once to basically say, go now. She finally went, but really slowly, and got T-boned by the oncoming car. Oh my God. Fuck. Nobody was seriously hurt, thankfully, but both cars pulled over. I stayed because I have a dash cam and wanted to give the footage to the cops and the other driver. While we were standing there waiting, my girlfriend suddenly said pretty loudly, quote, you did that on purpose. She started arguing with me right there in front of everyone, saying that I pressured the girl into going when it wasn't safe. I immediately shushed her, because from the outside, it probably sounded like she was accusing me of intentionally causing the accident. I didn't want the cops or drivers getting the wrong idea. The driver passed me by, passing through, admitted fault, and was shaken up and crying, but did not accuse me of anything, and said she was a new driver. Now, my girlfriend's angry, because she says I embarrassed and silenced her in public. She also brought up another incident from a few months ago, where I waved someone through, and there was another accident afterwards. Oh my, okay. She claims I, quote, to young women, specifically, and that it's messed up. I think that's ridiculous, because I wave people through all the time, including men, and I was genuinely trying to help traffic move along. She thinks the shushing was disrespectful and controlling. I think accusing me of intentionally causing an accident in front of strangers was way worse. Am I the asshole? I don't know if everyone's going to disagree, but like, OP, you're pissing me off. Like, why? Because, stop, I, this is probably just a personal thing, but like, I don't like when other cars make me feel pressured for anything. Mind your business on the road. Yeah, if I'm taking, for example, if I'm trying to take a left turn, and I don't have an arrow, I just have to like, wait until there's a space. Like halfway in the intersection, and then you, yeah. And then there's a car behind me that honks, because there is an open space. I'm like, if I don't feel comfortable yet to, like, zoom in front of this car, if I feel like that car is going too fast, and I just don't want to have a close call, then just leave me be. Well, and also, you might have a better visual than I do. Yeah. I'm closer up getting ready for my turn. Exactly. You're further back. You might be able to see, but I need to be safe. Yeah. I'm the car that's out there trying to make the turn. I need to be safe. Right. Mind your business back there. Right. Unless the light turns, and I'm sitting there in the intersection. And I'm doing, and I'm, yeah, and I'm not, and I'm just messing around, and they know that I'm like, Yeah. Not paying attention. But, like, I think that that's why this just, like, makes me feel a certain way, is because there's times where I've almost gone because I've felt pressured. Yeah. And then it was, like, a little bit too late to go at that point, where if I went, it would be a close call. But I have this knee-jerk reaction to do so. And then I get frustrated because I'm like, nobody should be making, like, making you feel pressured. So even though OP's intentions were likely pure, and that OP's partner is probably, like, jumping, jumping conclusions, but, like, for OP to have an accident happen once and then continue to rush people in, like, the fact that he saw there was another car coming, and so then he's like, go, go, go, go, go. Like, no, at that point, be like, stop, there's a car coming. You just, you literally, somebody just got in an accident because you did the same thing. So maybe just put your hands down and don't do anything. Just let the person figure it out on their own. Just, like, don't try. Because you keep, because your attempt of helping is not going to work. It's not. And even if you have a good heart, just, just keep to yourself on this one for a while. You're not a traffic guard. You're not a traffic controller. I'm trying to, like, think of the word for that. Like, what is it when someone's, like, out in the intersection guiding traffic? I think traffic controller is the thing. Okay. That's not your job. And then it's like, then you're like, okay, well, I'm going to stay and involve myself and give them my dash cam footage. And it's like, you literally caused the accident. You actually did cause it. And so, okay. And that's going to show up on the dash cam, you sitting there honking. Why did you feel the need to involve yourself? And again, after you already caused an accident, just sit in your car. If she's going slow, maybe it slows down everything in that world a minute. Maybe you sit there one more light cycle. Okay. Two minutes. Slows things down a lot more when people get into accidents. Yeah. Just sit down. Keep your hands inside the vehicle and remain calm. At all times. It is weird, though. The shushing. Are you the asshole for shushing? It depends. It depends on the shush. I honestly think that there is some shushes that are so offensive. And actually, me and one of our friends were just talking about this. Like, there's a person who, like, had, that I dated that would shush me. What? Yeah, that, like, I thought it was. In public? No, not in public. But it would be, like, I don't know. Let's say I didn't know that they were doing something. Like, they'd be, like, on the phone or something. I didn't know. And I'd, like, walk into the room and start talking. And the shush was so aggressive that, like, I would, like, feel it in my bones. And I'm, like, like, it was such an angry shush and such an aggressive shush that I'm just, like, I. I'm not a baby. I don't like that at all. At all. Um, and then one of our friends had that happen. And she reached out to me because she was, like, I know what you were saying now. I get what. Because it feels funny to be, like, oh, they shushed me and I'm, like, offended by it. Yeah. But, like, it's a type of really aggressive shush that feels different. So that's, like. I don't even want to do it because it's. Do it. No, no, no. Do it. No. I need to know. I don't know if I'll be able to repeat it the same way. I don't want to. It's too angry. It's that bad? Yeah. Anybody who's had this happen will understand. What the hell? It's not. Come on. Why is it that bad of a shush? I don't know. Because it'll remind me of the times that it happened. I don't like it. But anyway. I'm so confused. So I. Yeah, so that's why I'm, like, although I don't think Opie's partner should have been loudly saying that in front of everybody that you did this, that should be a conversation for another time. But I do understand if Opie did, like, a really aggressive one, then, like, I get why the partner was thrown off by that. But sometimes people are just like, shh, like, don't. And it's not that big of a deal, in my opinion. Anyway, back to you. Back to you, Morgan. So top comment has been removed by the moderator at this point. But the one after it says, seriously, I can't stand when people ignore the rules of traffic flow to let me in when there's a whole second lane who might not be following suit. If you have a right-of-way, just go and stop forcing people to go on ahead of me. I think the top comment was probably making a reference to, like, you should understand the rules of the roadway and quit directing people. Like, let people just follow the rules. Yeah. Okay, I'm glad. I thought that everyone was going to say, I would say the opposite. I'm glad that. Yeah. Someone says you're the asshole. Stop waving people through. Two car accidents within the space of a few months is far more than the rest of us are going around causing. That's not normal. Next comment. You're the asshole. I had a car totaled by another car being waved through by some jackass just like you. It's not your job to conduct traffic. And you've already caused two accidents by doing so. You put people in such an uncomfortable situation where like now they feel pressured like they have to go because the panic, how he said that he started going really fast. No. Okay. I'm so glad that people agree with me. I thought I thought it was going to be the opposite for some reason. No. Again, you're asking the wrong question here. And maybe that's an upcoming theme where it's like you're asking the wrong question. You're not the asshole for shushing. You're the asshole for waving people through. And I know that's not the question he asked. But yes, you are the asshole. But not for the question you're asking. Right. You're asking the wrong question. It's going to be a theme I do soon. I like that. Everyone's just pissed about it. Stop waving people through intersections. You're the asshole. Someone goes, oh, my God, stop causing accidents for content for your dash cam channel. Literally. I don't even like think of that. Yeah. That's crazy. So, yeah, major asshole. Major asshole. Truly. I'm so happy people feel that way because. I know. I'm going to see if there's any comments from O.P. here. Oh, we do have a couple of comments. Info. Do you have a dash cam channel? Have you put the videos of these accidents online? Oh, my God. O.P. goes, I do. But I've not yet put this online. Also, I don't just share things from my own dash cam on there. Oh, you are sick. He is purposefully causing these. Yeah, I think the girlfriend's right. I think so, too. I think he's intentionally causing these accidents. Totally. How would people pick that out of this? Like, I wouldn't even that wouldn't have crossed my head that he's got a dash cam channel, but it would make sense why he's so egregiously like involving himself in traffic. Oh, my God. I wave people all the time. Oh, you are sick. Oh, yeah. Someone here says not the asshole. She should have not said that. And she should be embarrassed for trying to get you in a. Trouble. Shut up in terms of like the girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, it was safe when you waved the driver to go. She just didn't go. And even if it wasn't, the driver would still be at fault. I don't know what she means by you keep doing this to young women. I'd be asking her because her behavior was unacceptable. Wrong. O.P. responds. She claims she has observed me intentionally attempt to rush young women when it is not clear and that I somehow find it funny or do it to generate content because I have a dash cam channel and that supposedly if it were a man or older person, I'd have waived them to stop instead. I believe her. I believe her. 100%. There's another comment. She tries to claim that I always intentionally lure and rush women into such situations and find it funny or something. Sicko. I honestly think this person is like getting off by like even posting this here. I think so, too. I was screaming in my car one time like the most. I mean, nobody was around at this point. And I'll get to the reason why, because I was in this really, really long, long line. It was weird how the roads like like forked off. And so I didn't realize that this highway like split into two and that I had to be on the right. So I'm going along on this left side and then my GPS. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to be on the right. I'm going to be on the left side. And then my GPS lets me know I need to get over. And I had I couldn't get over for so all of the cars were so close to each other. And I was trying to like find anywhere in. And there was another car that was doing that, too. So this car finally gets a spot in. And I was thinking since this car just dealt with this, they'll let me get through, too. They like they did the same thing as me. This was a zipper merge. I don't know what that means. OK. But so anyway, I'm like I'm trying to get over. And then this like it's like this. Truck that I don't know, literally move like like pretends to let me go in, like gives me a bunch of space and then like rears into me or like pretends to rear into me, like swerves to the left super hard. And then I had to like swerve to the left to dodge this person. And then they I look over like what just happened? Like, why would you do that? Like, I was so shocked. And this person and the person in the car in the seat next to me, I was like, oh, my God, I'm going to get over. Laughing their asses off, belly laughing so hard. And it was at the very end I couldn't get in. So I had to go in the highway that was free and drive longer. It was like a really long highway, too. I was going to Coachella. And so I wasn't familiar with the roads either. So anyway, that entire long stretch that I'm just driving by myself, I was screaming because it was so unsettling that like somebody would mess with somebody in their car like that to get enjoyment, to pretend. To let me in and then completely like ram into me when this person it's not like this person had been sitting in a long line and was pissed off. This person did the same thing as me where they like I assumed accidentally didn't realize that that was where I wasn't trying to be sneaky. It was like a split. Yeah. Two highways split. Yes. I have a limited amount of time to get exactly. And like I wasn't trying to be sneaky and like miss the lines. I didn't know. You can't try to get in the first chance either, because then you back up traffic. You kind of have to maintain your flow and then get over it. And that's the way of the road. But I was. So that's the thing is that this person in front of me was trying to do the same thing. Find a spot where they can get in. It was the weirdest thing. Respect cars and like cars can be weapons. Well, the cars are very. That's what that's why I thought it was. That's why I was like screaming in my car, because I just can't believe that people could think that's a funny thing, like to scare the shit out of me. It's weird. Like in a car and think that that's hilarious. Like I'm like, you're sick. And that's what this person is reminding me of, which is why I'm like, I mean, maybe it's innocent, but like, I don't know. Not a good case for me right now. I'm my personal experiences are making me not like Obie. Yeah. No, I think he's an asshole. I do think he's doing it purposefully for his dash cam content channel. Sick. And someone should report him like he should actually get his license suspended for a little bit and simmer down. If you're the person that was in this accident and you're listening to this, like you should sue him. You said that he sent you the stuff like, you know, follow up on his dash cam and like, let us know if you think that it's sketch. You should. OK, moving along to this next one. This is coming from r slash petty revenge titled After being left out of multiple family trips, I went on my mom's dream vacation to Scotland. My mom is constantly taking trips with my sister, her husband and their kids. I'm always the one. They. Ask to watch their house and animals while they're gone. I've always felt left out of family vacations and that my mom prefers my sister over me. I recently saved up enough money to take a trip of my own. My mom has always wanted to go to Scotland. It's like a life dream for her. I decided that I was going to take my own vacation to Scotland. And for a companion, I chose my aunt, who is my mom's least favorite sister and the only family member that supports me. My mom is constantly arguing with me about my sister. I'm always the one. My mom is constantly arguing with my aunt, probably because she's always been jealous of her lifestyle. Aunt is very wealthy. Of course, my mom begged me to take her instead, but I absolutely refused her, stating my reasons, never being included in her trips and using me as a dog slash house sitter. I made sure to send her updates of everywhere I went and sent all of my pictures to her daily. Justifiable calculated cruelty. Yeah, I like this one. I do like it. I bet it feels good. I've just been thinking a lot, though, about how when people wrong us, we spend a lot of time wanting the other person to think a certain way or like be hurt because they've hurt us. And I don't know, like lately, I've just thought about the fact that like, if we all instead just like forgot that person existed and then went off and lived our best life and focused on what what we want to do differently, like, OK, if we see signs of that person of a person treating us like this again, how can we maneuver differently? Like I'm really focused on like what makes us happy and like instead of like focusing on how can we hurt the person who hurt us? I'm like, what could humanity be? We're really healed and healthy take. No, because I do think a lot of times we give so much thought to people that just don't know what to do. And I think that's a really good thing. I think a lot of people that genuinely don't care. Yeah. Like they don't care that they wrong us. They don't even realize that they're the problem. Right. They are just so self-deluded in their own head. You're an afterthought. Yeah. So why are you letting someone who's not going to think about what they did twice? Yeah. Thinks of you as an afterthought. Why are you letting them dictate your feelings, your life, whatever? I think I would use this as a reset. Right. You got a little bit of a petty revenge. Right. Super satisfactory. Now move forward and go onward. Yeah. Don't house sit. Don't dog sit. Right. They're not going to use you as this free labor and then bye. Yeah. Like, don't do it. You also have the power to say no. Right. So choose your own destiny. Grab life by the horns. You went to Scotland. You got your petty revenge. Maybe she'll think twice going forward. Yeah. But if not, fuck it and don't help them out. Right. Move on with your life. Yeah. Family can be chosen. Yeah. Because the only thing that makes me a little bit sad about this is, like, how often were you thinking about this is going to be great content in spite of, you know, my parents? And then taking it in with that as the motivation. And then that kind of takes over a lot of your, like, the space in your head over this amazing trip that you have. So don't, like, I hope you did enjoy the trip and didn't give it that much space. Like, you didn't let your mom take up more space than she's worth. Yeah, exactly. You'd hope. But, like, that's my only concern about stuff like this is, like, I wouldn't want that to be now, like, the head force. Yeah, like, the headline of the trip was that, like, Yeah. I got back at my mom. But I also think, like, I mean, sometimes people do things to kind of send a message in relationships that they still do care about. So, like, maybe this is something that now maybe your mom will be like, wow, okay, now I see how it feels. Yeah. Now this will make me think. So if that's the motivation. That's what I was saying. Like, I hope it gets her thinking. Yeah. And she thinks about this going forward. Right. So I'm like, if that's the motivation, then, like, and you think that that is a possibility, then I think it's, like, good strategy. Yeah. I just think that, like, if it's a good strategy, then I think it's a good strategy. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if it's, if you're starting to think it's a person that maybe you need to distance yourself from and, like, maybe it's not, like, the healthiest dynamic, then, and you want to let go of them to just really let go. But this is a parent. So I guess this is completely different. So forget everything I said. No. Stop doubting yourself, you goofball. Top comment on this one. Good for you. I hope you and your aunt had an epic adventure. OP responded, we had a blast. Thank you. Good. Next comment. Next comment. And even if things improve between. You and your mom, please don't forget about your aunt. She sounds like a real one. OP says, she definitely is. And we've always been close. Next comment down. The best revenge is a life well lived. Doesn't hurt to season the food. Rub it in. Yeah. Yeah. But did OP even want to go to Scotland? Or was this a spite vacation? Larry David would be proud. Someone goes, who wouldn't want to go to Scotland? Amazing country. Great people. Yeah. So I actually. Just posted an Instagram, which I want to do more often. I want to do jogging Instagram or jogging videos and post them on Instagram like once a week. Just to inspire me to go outside more often. There you go. And somebody commented on this one that I just posted because I talked about how happy I am that the sun stays out until 8 p.m. And they were like, you should come to Scotland. It stays out until 11. And I have wanted to go to Scotland. I have wanted to go to Scotland or Norway. Like just. Yeah. My great grandparents, great, great grandparents are from Norway and Scotland. And so I've always wanted to see those countries and specifically during the time where it's just like light. Yeah. No, there's a lot of places like Iceland is light for like 23 hours a day. Insane. I mean. I love it. Zara Larsson, Midnight Sun, baby. Yeah. It's because the sun is out at midnight. We were just listening to that song in the coffee shop. I love it. Yeah. I love this. A lot of positive comments. That aunt is just super fun to be around. And I love that. Someone goes, did you ask your mom to house sit? And Opie goes, no, but that would have been the ultimate revenge. I wish I had thought of it. So this is this is a good one. This episode is brought to you by Billy. I don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter. I'm in hibernation mode and I grow out my leg hair a little bit, but it's getting warmer. And now I'm excited for that first shave of the season. And if you are, then you got to get the Billy razor in your life. It's designed for how women actually shave legs, pits, toes, happy trail, wherever prickles decide to show up. It has five sharp blades and a pivoting head. So you can actually get everywhere without doing shower gymnastics. And it comes with a magnetic holder. So your razor stays dry on the wall instead of sitting in a shower puddle. Grab a Billy razor in your favorite color in store or at mybilly.com. This episode is brought to you by Disney Plus and Hoopla. We're going retro for real with Disney Plus and Hulu throwbacks. On Disney Plus, throw it back to Hannah Montana, The Princess Diaries, Camp Rock, and That's So Raven. Then turn back the clock with Hulu with Golden Girls, Full House, Malcolm in the Middle, and Gilmore Girls. Oh, snap. It's your favorite throwbacks from Disney Plus and Hulu. All of these and more now totally streaming. 18 plus only. Offer valid for eligible subscribers only. Terms apply. Okay, this next one is coming from. Am I the asshole? Titled, Am I the asshole for having our kids make a list of things my wife does that they don't like? I really didn't think when this happened that I would be posting this. My wife and I are both 39 and have a nine-year-old and a six-year-old. On Friday, my nine-year-old went to a friend's house. And when I picked him up, he was complaining that my wife still calls him baby in front of his friends. Okay. Then he said his friend's mom. Doesn't make them be under supervision when using the trampoline. Also, that his friend's mom doesn't make his friend wear sunscreen, supposedly. I told him that he should make a list of stuff that my wife does that bothers him. Maybe she just doesn't know that it bothers him. So he did. And since our six-year-old saw him doing it, she decided to make a list of her own. But her list was 99% things that she just doesn't like doing. That has to be done anyways. The kids then gave their lists to my wife. This was not discussed with wife prior. Mistake number one, buddy. And probably told her that I told them to do it since my wife was immediately mad at me for telling them to make a, quote, passive-aggressive list. I'd be so annoyed. She actually seemed really in her feelings about it. I told her that if she didn't take it as personal, she could actually look at the complaints and know where to change. At least for the nine-year-old. We sat there for two hours watching a show in silence. As in, she didn't want to talk to me. Wait, know where to change? Didn't they say they don't want to wear sunscreen? This was some time ago, but she was still kind of sore about it the following day. Am I the asshole? Yes. Yes, you are. Come on, buddy. Buddy. Yes. If my husband told my kids, make a list of the shit your mom does that you hate, I'd be like, you asshole. I birthed these little gremlins. I've raised them. I make sure they're safe. Yeah, a nine-year-old on a trampoline, those things snap necks all the time. Sunscreen? Like, I'm keeping you safe and you're going to then make a list about how I'm a horrible mom? That would be a dagger to the heart. There's so many things that are annoying about this, and the worst part is that OP is probably like, this is such hands-on parenting. I think you could have been on to something if you went with your wife and were like, let's sit down with these kids and be like, express yourself to us. How do you feel? And then we'll hear you out, and then we'll discuss the reasons why we do the things we do. You know, we'll have a conversation about it. Like, maybe that could kind of go down well. But like, this dude. And then the confusion afterwards, like, what'd I do? Yeah. Ugh. Sir, it's hurtful. Yeah. Here's the thing, and this is how I will try to tackle things in an ideal world. Not a parent yet. Yeah. You know? But you hear that from people that have grown up in really happy, like, homes with parents that just love each other, that the best thing their parents did, I'm like, I don't know what that's like, says with venom, I'm jealous, but the best thing that their parents did was always be on each other's side, always be a team. There was never this pitting against each other. And so as a dad, you know, when the child's coming to you and being like, Johnny's mom lets us jump on the trampoline alone, and Johnny's mom doesn't make him wear sunscreen, that's where it's your job to be your wife's advocate in that moment and be like, you know, we do that to make sure you're safe. We love you. Your mom really loves you, and she's just trying to make sure you're safe. Yeah. You'll realize someday what it's all about. Sunscreen's important. Yeah, it's annoying to put on, but it's important. And that's your job as a parent. Right. His feelings, you know, he's entitled to his little feelings, and yay for communicating them, but yeah. And you also have to, like, redirect and be like, you know, that's fair that your mom does those things. It's important. You explain to him that maybe he's lacking education. Yeah. Yeah. And that, and maybe even just like every parent is going to parent a little bit differently, and there's, well, I don't even want to say there's nothing wrong with that, because then they could end up in a situation where it's something wrong with it, and they're like, there's nothing wrong with this. But didn't you hear that growing up, too, where it's like, well, blank. Thanks, Mom. That's a stay up until midnight. Yeah. I'm not blank's mom. My mom always used that when I wanted to be like, I want to go here. I want to do this. Or so-and-so's mom lets them do it. And it's like, yeah, I look like so-and-so's mom. That was that was probably the everyone who hung out with me at my house. That's probably the conversations that they had with their parents when they went. Do I look like Lauren's mom? Why does why does Lauren's mom let us eat all this candy? Like all that. So that's funny. What's next? What happened? Well, OP has since deleted his account. Oh, overall vote was asshole. Yeah. Big red badge at the top there. Top comment. You're the asshole for teaching your kids that this is good communication and for not being a team with your wife. You've just shown your kids they don't have to respect her because you don't. Oh, he was like, delete, delete, delete. I do not need my wife to find this. Next comment. Yes. And especially when the kid was complaining about things like not wearing sunscreen. Shouldn't OP be backing up his wife there? Also, much better to just tell him that different families have different rules. OP is an asshole. And an idiot. Don't forget the idiot part. You're the asshole. That's not effective parenting, nor is it teaching effective communication. You should have explained why sunscreen is important and why your wife wants them to be supervised while using the trampoline. For the baby comment, you could have coached your son in how to approach your wife to be like, hey, mom, it's embarrassing. When you call me baby in front of my friends. Can you please stop that? Yeah. Jesus, you're the asshole. Now have the kids make a list of everything they love about her. Then send her on a weekend mom trip while you watch those kids. That's a start. Yeah. Someone goes, what the fuck? You told your kids to make a list of things they don't like about your wife instead of explaining why they need to wear sunscreen and be supervised on a trampoline. Exactly. Someone goes. I would struggle to ever respect my man again if he took feedback from children and used it to form a strategy for my behavior change. Literally. Because that's the point, too, where he's like, you should just take it as feedback, babe, so you can, you know, change your behavior. That was the worst part. It's like, is this a job review? Like, no. A performance review. No. That's what it feels like. Yeah. Actually, that's a really good comparison. There is one comment here I see. Yeah, you're the asshole for not siding with your wife for basic parenting things like putting on sunscreen and basic supervision around a trampoline. You sided with your nine-year-old child over your wife over completely legitimate parenting things. Yeah. And OP responded, and it's been downvoted 671 times. I didn't say I disagreed on the sunscreen and supervision thing, though. Okay. If you didn't disagree, then why didn't you just tell your kid that in the moment? Yeah, literally. Why are you letting your wife be the bad guy? Exactly. That's what I was about to say. It's like, and that's an issue. It's an issue a lot with parenting is, like, the one, there's one parent who wants to be. The fun parent. The fun parent. The fun parent. The good guy. And that, like, the good girl or whatever. That the kid's just, like, and it's, and it sucks because there needs to be a parent. There needs to be actually both parents that care about the safety and all of that. And it really sucks when that dynamic happens. Like, and, yeah. Yeah. It's unfortunate. So, hopefully, this is a lesson for OP and everyone else who, obviously, being the fun parent would be fun. But it's super cool. But it's very unfair. Oh, dude, I already know I'm not going to be the fun parent. You guys are both going to be a united front, though. There's no problem there. Yeah. Yeah. Like, there's, there's that. I have no concerns about that. I don't. There's some relationships. Where I do worry about. There being a fun parent and then there being the one who has to, like, oh, yeah, you definitely have to worry. Yeah. No, I think he'd balance it out. Yeah. He'd be, he's very on your team. When it comes to you, he's so on your team that I think he'd, he'd be fine. Yeah. He'd be, he might be a little slow to grasp it and just be like, yeah, that's really, yeah, good point. And then you'd look at him and be like, just kidding. Yeah. Yeah. No, you'd be good. Okay. But I would love to hear any, like, parent horror stories. Like, I've talked about this. I think, I feel like it's been on Patreon, but I'm definitely having baby fever and I'm like, are you? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. We've talked about this a little bit, but I didn't know fever. I didn't know. Let me hear for it. Oh, I fucking see a baby and I'm like, I want one. Really? Kaylin's baby is six months old and he's like, got a little personality now and is kind of like more conscious and aware. And I'm like, yeah, he looks fun. See, first six months. That's the thing. I don't know. It's such a long stretch together. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Before I, I mean, of course I think babies are cute, but like anytime I talk to a parent with a newborn, they're like, oh no, it's horrible. It's definitely horrible. And so then I'm like, you're in the trenches. Ooh. I'm like, am I ready to go through, like, who knows what pregnancy is going to feel like? Is anyone ready though? No. They always say no, but like, no, I know. I want the baby, but the birth is still really freaking me out. And I saw a TikTok today where someone was like, I asked a woman to describe birth and she basically said that it was like a full moon and she was the werewolf transforming. Oh. And I'm like, uh-huh. Huh. And then someone went in the comments of that video and they go, I had a C-section. And it basically was like someone, I was the purse and they were digging around the purse looking for something small and tiny. And I go, what the fuck do I do with both of those? I don't, what do I do with either of those things? Gonna be honest. Kind of like the one. Like the werewolf one. Don't love the purse. No, it's horrifying. And then someone underneath it shared. And I know how that feels. I hate it. No, but then someone underneath shared a picture of a taxidermied squirrel purse and they go, this is what I felt like. And I'm like, you guys are making this horrible. So why is it, where did the squirrel come from? I don't know, but I need positive affirmations about positive births and hypnobreathing. And I want fun, chaotic parenting stories. I need a full explanation on the squirrel. I'll find it again. Bring that back up. I'll find it. Yeah. It was a squirrel purse. And she said she felt like that. She felt like a squirrel. She felt like the squirrel purse. A squirrel. That's just adding a level that I don't understand. This was the picture. This was the picture she shared. She said, I felt like this. It's a squirrel. That's a purse. I don't like that. I don't like it at all. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But then it's so funny because then like after they, they convince you for me, like after like people like make me, they see that I'm terrified. They see that I'm terrified. And they're like, oh, but it's the best thing in the entire world. And I'm like, you're just saying that. Am I supposed to believe you? You don't suffer alone. I know. I know. I know. I'm like, I think it's going to be next year. But then everyone got me freaked out about the year of the ram. They're like, you don't want a baby in the year of the ram. Oh, don't buy into that stuff. It's very important. What is it? What is what's why don't they want a year of the ram? They're a passive follower of a person. Allegedly. Am I a fucking ram? Did I get born in the ram year? Sometimes I wish I was a little bit more less passive. You're a rooster. Oh, I knew that, actually. Water rooster. I do like water. What is what is the rooster, though? I'm a wood dog. If you just wanted to know. Water roosters are the most intellectual, compassionate and adaptable of all the roosters. Blending the signs, natural, sharp focus with the fluidity of the water element. They are charismatic communicators who excel at rallying people together without coming across as demanding or rigid. I'll take it. Seems pretty positive to me. Adaptable, intuitive, compassionate, sociable, exceptional communicators, intellectual and curious. Very curious. I literally can't go to bed these days without searching a million things. I like that. Wood dogs. I'm like, you got me over here. Curious. The working memory, though. Like, I like the amount of things that I research. And then I like either forget or I don't know how to re-explain it. But like, I am constantly asking questions and researching things. No, you're very curious. Yeah, very, very curious. Wood dogs, cooperative, team focused, highly ethical, strong moral compass, can't stand unfairness. Can't stand unfairness is actually like one of my core traits. It comes up in every personality test. Yeah. I thought it was just the autism. But maybe it's the wood dog. Maybe it's the wood dog. Yeah. Generous and warm, practical, resilient. You are very resilient. I'm a scrappy motherfucker. You are so scrappy. Okay. So let me know about the year of the ram and if I should have a baby next year because yeah, it's been a consideration. Actually, let's scare her. Let's do a poll. Let's scare her so that I can have a baby next year. Let's scare her so that it's two years from now. Yeah. Let's do a poll. Let's scare her so that it's two years from now because then maybe I can have a baby next year. Let's do a poll. Let's do a poll. Let's do a poll. I will be more ready and then we could have our babies around the same time. It's so fun to be friends. That would be ideal, honestly. What is next year? Next year is 2027. So the following year would be 2028. It's the year of the monkey. Earth monkey. That does sound really good. That does sound pretty cool. Does anyone else like the last Airbender avatar? I love little A. Did you watch the live version? No. Oh, it's so good. And there's a new one coming out. I started rewatching. The first one. It's just so good. Love it. You'll love it. I'm going to be honest. Earth monkey sounds sick. It does. does intelligence versatility adaptability yeah people born with these years are typically witty curious inventive problem solvers that's the one fuck earth monkey man okay so when does that put me march add nine months okay okay i can do an earth monkey okay cool but you gotta you gotta be you gotta hustle then yeah yeah you're right snap snap get mentally prepared what's the last day like what's my cut what's my deadline um earth monkey begins january 26 ends february 12th 2029 oh okay we can make that happen we got this okay let's lighten this up at the end of the episode here shall we let's lighten this up so this is you coming from am i overreacting titled am i overreacting my 32 female husband 34 male farted on my mom not overreacting my mother has been chronically depressed since i was six years old and i started using humor early on to cheer her up as a result our relationship is marked by utter silliness i always aim to make her laugh especially via slapstick which she loves i've been with my husband for about four years my mom and him aren't very close mostly because we live a few hours from her and don't get to see her very often they also don't facetime or call unless necessary over time he's understood our mother-daughter dynamic he always hears me goofing about with her and recognizes her as a kind warm woman he also knows about her depression however when we visited her this past weekend my husband did the unfathomable things were going fine initially we were exchanging jokes and the overall vibe was warm but while returning from the bathroom about an hour in my husband literally bent over her side of the couch and ripped a monstrous fart in her direction he chuckled and walked away like it was a genius move i did it on purpose oh okay i could not believe it i kid you not my mom literally had a look of horror like when she heard that her chinchilla had to be put down when he realized his fart bit didn't land he apologized profusely but that didn't fix anything because the rest of the visit was excruciatingly awkward and quiet interspersed with reality tv sounds i knew my mom's depression was biasing her towards thinking the fart was malicious unfortunately i was so shocked that i couldn't spit out an excuse on his behalf right then on his end he was completely checked out when my husband and i got back in the car i went berserk on him pressing him on why he thought it was okay to fart on my sad mother he explained that he thought she enjoyed that type of humor i had to explain that their relationship was not like our 32 year old mother-daughter relationship and that he did not have free license to fart on my mother additionally throughout my life i have done all sorts of slapstick comedy but never that i called her after we got home as expected she thought he had farted out of hatred but was okay after i explained everything i am taking distance from husband for the next couple of days as i wrap my head around this incident i am still pretty upset he said he's taking some time to reflect and has been sympathetic towards my needing space edit the fart was dealt about a foot away from her face for those who are wondering oh my god i was about to say like i feel like they're kind of blowing this out of proportion like it's just a fart and like it was accidental he thought he was trying to be funny but then to know that he literally walked up to where she was on the couch and farted a foot from her face like i know i don't i know it's a rumor but like don't give me pink guy i don't you just came out of the bathroom did you just did you forget to shit while you were in there i don't understand because like i do understand people thinking farts are funny i mean they are funny um but like unless you really know the person and know that they'll think it's funny then that is a risky move yeah what i okay so i will say one of my favorite favorite tiktok channels to watch is this guy that goes around new york city pretends to fart and farts it's hilarious i actually think his farts are real i don't think so i think his farts are real fart like that i think he eats a lot of dairy i genuinely think his farts are real i eat a lot of dairy i it sounds too real to be a fart machine and the way people react where they start plugging their nose i think his farts might be real and maybe i'm i am i know i'm gullible but like like i don't know but i love the fart like awkward interactions i just love how you pause after that i love the fart but i love the fart i just find farts funny just and not when i do them not when i do them i'm not i my farts i'm scared about them i'm embarrassed by them no farts are hilarious but he could have right context he could have done something funny not farted in her face yeah but if he just like walked in the living room and like tooted and they go oops gotta go back in there like i don't know like he just came out of the bathroom like maybe he had some unfinished business but to go up to someone and fart in their face in their face but okay i will say though that to take space for a few days is like feels very for for manipulative mean i don't even know how to say it's manipulative because i think that it sounds like op is genuinely like needs some space yeah not like a i'm gonna because if it was manipulative like it might be more of uh less of a conversation and just like a ghosting you know but op like communicated and op's partner understood so like i think because that was there clearly op actually wanted the space in like a communicative healthy type of way but i they they recognized they're wrong they apologized they were trying to mimic you like they were trying to be he wanted to be a part of he wanted to be like you he wanted to fit in with your family i have a hard time with fart shaming just kidding no i actually do get so pissed at an inappropriate fart like i i'm like really you have a farter don't you i i'm like how i don't have one how how how do you think no like i yeah i don't have i've had to have a few conversations oh my god yeah damn yeah just lighten it up so i do understand being offended by a fart like an inappropriate fart like i get that feeling but at the same time like he explained where he was coming from exactly let's give him a little more grace here top comment quote pressing him on why he thought it was okay to fart on my sad mother is an amazing sentence i know i know i'm so glad why do you think it's okay to fart on my sad mother next comment also i'm gonna write a book with that being the title why do you think it was okay to fart on my sad mother yeah it has a ring to it yeah next comment also quote she thought he had farted out of hatred hatred can you imagine thinking someone literally just farted on you because they hate you yes what are you going through what happens to you i'll just end it there i can't imagine that oh my god no i'm just being dramatic the concept of farting out of hatred yeah i'm hoping op doesn't update just so it will make it to bore you and i can use this as my flair oh let's see um no update from op yet seemingly a pretty real reddit account though almost a year old a part of some uh some streaks and various subreddits but um yeah are you overreacting no one's giving not overreacting or overreacting they're all just responding to the funniness of it someone goes crazy that he said that he still had a massive fart in the barrel when returning from the toilet that's what i'm saying that's what i was saying that's what you were saying trying to take credit no like i didn't mean it like that i just meant like totally yeah but it's like did you have some unfinished business like you know when you at least this is something my mom said to me like i'd be just tooting all over or my dad would say it all the time too yeah i'd just be ripping it and he goes do you have to go to the bathroom like i was your parents and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm like when you were 10 yeah do you have to go to the bathroom yeah it's like kind of like a cue like hey maybe you need to tootin all over at seven years old and you're like no you notice yeah someone goes he said he was sorry and feels bad it's up to you to either accept his apology or not the bigger issue is that you seem to feel responsible for your mom's emotions. That isn't healthy for you or her. I hope she's getting real help and that you get help for your codependency and enabling. A lot of people don't agree to that and keep chiming in. Please update on how his reflection goes and what he learned. Why he thought it was okay to fart on my sad mother. Oh my fucking God, I cannot. I'm laughing so hard at this. Let it go. Someone responds. He did. That's the problem. Um, here we go. You're overreacting. He misjudged the situation and surely he has learned his lesson. Honest, forgivable mistake. I feel like that's my gut too. I do feel like taking multiple days, multiple days. I know. Not just an evening. I love you. I just, I need to reflect on this. I just want some alone time tonight. Multiple days. Are you going to divorce over your husband farting on your mom? On your sad mom. On your sad mom? You're in front of a judge. Ma'am, why would you like to get divorced? You know, irreconcilable differences. He farted on my sad mother. Yeah. Hey, people have divorced over less. I'm sure. That's true. But does he deserve the D? I don't know. He seems remorseful. No, I don't think he deserves the D. No. We're overdue for it. Give him the D. We haven't said that in a long time. Give him the D. Yeah. That reminds me back in the day, though, when people were like, you guys just, you've always jumped to divorce. You guys don't know. And we're like, yeah, we don't. We didn't come here on this podcast to know things. Okay. They give mics to anyone, you know? Yeah. You just go online and you buy it. You don't have to fill out an application. It's not like adopting a dog. Yeah. They just let you. They have them. If you think that we're stupid. We are. No, no, no, no. If you think that we're stupid because we come in on here and we talk about stupid topics, you're stupid because you came to a podcast that talks about stupid topics and you thought that we were going to be here being smart. You're stupid. We're not stupid. I like that. Okay. Thank you. We're capitalizing on our on our dumb moments and you're over here calling us stupid. Thank you so much for talking about stupid topics. Don't come to a stupid topic podcast and try to get smart. Thank you. If you get smarter from this podcast, that's a win. But don't expect to. Yeah. What's that saying? What's that one saying? It's like, don't don't don't come to a gun show with a knife. What's that? Yeah. Yeah. Don't come. Yeah. Yeah. Don't come to a sword fight. No, don't come to a gun fight with a knife. Don't come to a sword knife. Wait. See, this is what we're talking about. It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, yes, I do. I literally come here expecting something you're not going to get. I'm not a psychologist. I didn't listen to this episode, but I was looking at the comments. No, I was laughing so hard. I know. I know exactly what one. I couldn't sleep with myself. I need to go find that. Please summon some of the timestamp. I was crying, laughing at that comment. I said, well, it was Sarah Sherman. And I don't even think she gave me a funny look. I think she was so nice about it. I was like, I wouldn't be able to sleep with myself. Clearly. But apparently the one husband from the first story thinks masturbation is cheating. So maybe I could sleep with myself. Yeah. My point is, is that. We are smart because we capitalize off of our, our dumb isms. We're smart girls with dumb isms. Really? Dumb isms. Isn't like, we need something really good. No. Like we need something really good. Like what? It's not coming to me. It's not coming to me, but there's like another like idiot. Idiot. There's something there. Okay. It's like a blonde moment, but not like it's, there's going to be a word that we create. Okay. We need to have something. That we create for our silliness, our goofy moments, our lapse in brain power that we can get into Webster. Okay. So let's all think about that. That's going to be a team effort from all the little hotties out there. But yeah. So anyway, that's, I mean, that's, that's my statement that I'm going to leave for you guys. I like that. I also really, I think it's over, you know, it's overdue that we have like a really resounding team name. You know, we've, we've joked about it. We've joked about it over the years. And is it the hotties? Like, what are we feeling? Are you a hottie? I think the hotties is a cute. Are you a hottie? Are you flirting with me? Are you a hottie? Oh my God. You're making me blush. What are you? A hottie? Or is it something else? A toddy. Well, I'm like, it can't be the takers. We're the takers. It could be. What are you taking? When, where, and how? We're taking, nevermind. I don't know. I could get real sexual. Oh. The hotties. I didn't even think about it. I didn't think of it that way. You're a taker. I'm good. I'm good. I hope my toe is out. I feel like it's a song. It's not like an Ariana Grande song. Like, I'm a giver, I'm a taker. Maybe not. Maybe. Okay. Maybe. Well, let's, let's, let's circle back on that. Yeah. Let's circle back on that. Circle back. I hope this email finds you well. And then circle back on circling back. Yes. What episode was that? That was a good one too. Let's circle back. Thank you all so, so, so much for being here. This was a fun one. Had you in the first half, right? That espresso shot. I think we have to go over there and like rip an espresso shot before every episode. That was a good, a good twist. Okay. I'll consider it. I get a little jittery though, so. You did great. Well, sometimes. You did great. It hit me okay this time, but sometimes it can get a little, a little weird. And then I'm just like stressed out. I'm like, ah. I really like that. But we will be continuing this theme over on Patreon. I have. I have so many tabs for this theme. I really like this one. And just all these stories. Like I really found this good one about a secret and this husband that kept a 10 year secret from his wife. But it is like the whole reason they ended up together. And I'm like, ooh, I really like it. I was like the coffee bean one. Coffee bean. Don't remember when the guy for like 10 years was lying to his wife about the coffee. No, this one's, it's a doozy. It's really good. It's on the Two Outtakes subreddit. It's a doozy. Does doozy mean like a. I don't know, doozy? Just like goofy, confusing, crazy. Oh. It's a doozy. Okay. I thought it meant like a fail. Yeah. No, no. But we'll be finishing it out over on Patreon. So come on over. And other than that, until next time. Until next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. this episode is brought to you by skims can we talk about some good cotton basics for a second the everyday cotton scoop bralette is my staple i wear this running around i wear it under my cute little tank top i love that it doesn't have any underwire and is just so comfortable comfort is what i am prioritizing this summer which is why i love all of the lightweight cotton t-shirts again i'm not overheating when i go outside i can bop around in them and later on pair them with a cute denim skirt or some jeans and be ready for a date night there's nothing better than finding undergarment solutions that fit you fit your life and that is skims they're good simple clothes that are going to end up becoming part of your daily routine and i've never felt more empowered and comfortable in my clothes thanks to skims shop skims cotton and all of my favorite pieces at skims.com after you place your order be sure to let them know i sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu that follows thank you