Caitlin Peluffo, Usama Siddiquee, Joe List, Greg Fitzsimmons w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Yeah, we're rolling. Wow, that was so good. And this is water. Yeah, take some water. Nice. I'll get some water. Ready? Yeah, I know. Well, holy shit. Yeah, what's the they're not practical? No, not at all. Hey, you need a man. Is that gel? It feels nice to be needed. Welcome to we might be drunk here with Osama Sedika and Kaylen Palufo. Fresh off. Funny AF on Netflix. Hello. Just signed of a season two. Crazy. Yes. Yeah. And you have to attack somebody to to get into the show. No, it's not. You have to what? I knew he was his weird things when we did the show. I didn't tell us about this at all. They had this thing like tag a post on Instagram. Tag a friend who thinks would be who'd be good at the show. Oh, and here comes all the homeless weirdos. Yeah. I'm good. I can do it. Right. Right. And it's not even like that account isn't associated with the show. It's just fans. Oh, really? It was a random post out of nowhere. But then remember, those comics, the lottery days where you see comics come out of the ground like, what were you for three years? That was going on. I was like, who are these people attacking? Who do I remember when I finally got my comic strip opportunity? It's like I drew sixth on the show. So you were like the end of a three hour show. And then five amateurs are going on before me. And I was like, fuck, all right. I hope I can just make it to the end. Whatever. The hope of the crowd stays. The crowd stays like 80 people. And I'm like, all right. Thank God. The guy before me has a full on nervous breakdown on stage. Like he just started going, Oh, fuck, I'm, I'm bombing. I'm bad at this. He like, it's a full on freak out. And he goes, Oh, fuck, I suck. And I'm like, just get out of state. He walks. I want to say like all the 12 people. And I had to go on for 12 people. And it went, like, there's how well can you do for 12? But it went just enough to the owners like, hey, you didn't look like scared up there. So I'm asking you. There was a low bar after a guy nearly shits himself before you. Believe me, Peter, what on before you? I was just going to do that. Was it? Was it you? Give me that. Rich. I'm a resin piece. He was like, you're very funny. You're very good. Can't use it. What was it? Just all compliments at the end. We already have a top round guy with a weirdo here. I think he already had a girl. Yeah. They were like stuck in the past for sure. Come here. We used to manage Eddie Murphy. You're like, you've told the story 400 times tonight. If you walked in with two pies, they would have hired you. That's comedy. Dude, they slapped a little gob and micless, right? Would they have like a sign belt's name at a Murphy's name? Oh, that's right. That's cool. And I like them. No, the headshots in clubs. It is cool. I think it's very cool because you're killing time and it's kind of like a museum in a way, you know? Yeah. The coolest is a zany's in Chicago. It has Ellen, a handwritten letter from Ellen, Jerry Seinfeld gave me your address. I'd love to work your club. I'm not gay yet. Yeah. Really cool. Call us back when you're gay. Well, yeah, speak of crazies. I did the last comic standing wait in line, like the open casting goal. Holy shit. That's crazy. The ghouls and goblins in that line. I mean, it was like a guy dresses Batman. There's a magician. It was Judy Gold. Yeah. It was all the same process. But, dude, they had a more vending process for that one. This show was not yet. You look a questionnaire. We had to be a psyche valve. It was great. What kind of background check are we talking? I mean, like a full criminal criminal. I also went through our Instagram and everything to make sure that we weren't saying like crazy shit. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. They like that in our social media. So Cosby couldn't get in. No, which is kind of a shame. I'd love to see him from doing sex. That's the first round. Low kitty. I mean, I'm trying to come back. I love the young me, but out of all the shows like this, there's been a million of these competition shows. This was definitely the most well done. Yeah. It's so nice. It's not NBC either that you can actually curse. Because we know how hard it is. You go round and round and yeah, on that show. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. The first word you said was smegmind. I think I said pussy. Yeah, pussy smegmugly. My check. Yeah, pussy. That's what, but it's so hard. I remember on NBC back in the day, we're like, oh my god, like, I mean, we'd done a ton of late night sets, but they had a, they were stricter than late, because they're like this sound like eight. Yeah, a week because y'all came in up and like right before us, where it was like last time I standing was that thing for y'all. And also, this is like a Netflix thing so people could cut watch it after it's done. So I'm getting people now be like, watch it last week, which is not going to happen for people still watching. Yeah. Yeah. People come up to me. They're like, don't tell me how it end. And I was like, but yeah, I did a show with you what two weeks ago at the Newton Square Park. Oh, you got a huge pop. Yeah. So people are watching it. People are watching it. People are sweet. People are very nice. I haven't gotten a lot of hate. I got a lot of, I get a lot of DMs and they're usually like, oh, so my face. Yeah, yeah. I was drinking it. But the rest of them are like, very nice. They're like, oh, we, we enjoyed you very much. Yeah. This never happens. Great. Great. Usually women shouldn't vote. And we don't give you. Yeah. Well, they could think that and also be like, you're pretty funny out there. What I think like, I'm not sure if you all had this. Like, I told you the show was a demographic crazy. Like, I'm getting like what random white dude in cells, we're talking like, well, eat the grandmas, you know, some swear to God, my audience looks like a just a UN meeting. It's crazy. Nice. It's really crazy. And we we've been doing something a long time. We're friends for a long time going in. So I don't know if you'll have the same thing. We're y'all coming up with the rounds together with your friends. I didn't make it that far. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I was going pretty quickly. We were out. Oh, they, they wanted like a sitcom person. And we're two guys like with 10 minutes on pedophilia. Yeah, we know. We know the personalities. Yeah. I remember with you. Didn't you talk back to it? Yeah, I talked back to Keen. And that was my one cool moment. Is that is that norm? After that, put his arm around me was like, because we weren't supposed to cross paths, but norm, put his arm around me. He was like, I like the shit on him. So that was a cool moment, but I did go home that night. It was just like a quick zing back and forth. It wasn't like anything harsh. I made a joke of one of the scary movies. Yeah, but it wasn't that hard. I mean, but yeah, they know there was one. I remember this line because I was coming up as a comic, dude. I'm seeing you on this episode, bro. It's a formative moment. Oh, this guy. I'm telling you right now, this guy, one of the judges is like, yeah, I don't know if you're a good guy or a bad guy, or you're like, I don't know your style. And then Sam goes, so I'm what a three-dimensional person. And everyone laughs. And then I think they're like, get out of this trouble. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Have a good one on us, please. They don't want any pushback at all. And not really, but it sounds like something I would say. Yeah, it's great. I think women have said that to me dating and having like, so what? I cheat. I don't cheat. I'm coming. I'm coming on your edge. It's a show, lady. It's part of your journey. Yeah, you have a black guy. I'm complex. No, it was, it was a bad experience. And the thing, too, was like, I did, America's got talent, too, which was, you're not just. It's one thing around comic energy. You're around everyone's anxious energy. And you realize what a ruse it is. What we do when you're next to like dancers, they have to stretch, they have to stay warm. I can go up drunk. But I'm like, you know, I'm texting my mom like, I'm freaking out. She goes, read a book. I'm like, there's two fat people in Atlantic City dancing. Mamba number five next to me. There's a bird squawking. Like, I can't just get lost in literature right now. This is, this is stressful. When I was doing a GT, I was about to go up. And a GT is what I did. I didn't go up over to you, right? Right. Day before COVID started, right? So I'm in the state. I don't think it happened to you. We're like, Terry Cruz is there. I'm waiting. leukemia guitarist is on stage or something, right? I'm freaking out trying to get my set right. Terry Cruz has to do like b-roll now. So I'm trying to get my set ready. He comes up. He's like, what's your favorite day of the week? I'm like, the most fearful of that kind of hard questions. I like that. And he's like, if you're nervous, just watch porn. That's what I do. He's addicted to porn. It was it was truly insane. Oh my god. Oh, we found it. Oh my god. We can't watch stand up on the show. Oh, you better believe it, Freddie. This is the one where you called Heidi Cloom a slut. This is what I did for COVID. Look at you, you're so cute. I saw you. Oh my god. Oh my god. No shoulders. Oh, you look like a guy being forced into England. Oh, I graduated. Body. I was this is right for COVID. I looked like a straight-up. Oh, that's cute. This is not cute. You guys just show stuff like this. This is the footage for the night. Holy shit. My mom. I love her. Love you mom. Yeah. My mom is adorable. Love my mom. My mom. My mom. I love my mom, guys. Look at that. Cute. I love my mom. So how far do you make it on ice? I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a love dog down there. What? All right. If this is how waste of space, what are you going through here? I took her glasses. Oh, okay. But I love a waste of space. No shade of the way. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. People are all competitions. It would be awesome. It was just like showcase. But it's like, nope. They want they want to root for someone. Yeah. But they wouldn't watch the show if it was like funny people on a show. This was the I thought it was pretty close to a showcase because no one ever got like reigned. Yeah. Yeah. Really? The judges were never like you're an idiot. Chicago got a little reigned. Well Chicago. Well, yeah. Yeah. How so? You did shows in Chicago in LA. No, no. So we did the New York one. This three cities New York, LA, Chicago. Well, the Chicago one, the Kevin, they entered it where everyone's bombing. Yeah. And Kevin is so annoyed at the bombing that he changes up the rules of the show made episode. What? Y'all should watch what it's kind of interesting. I'll be honest. I didn't watch any of the episodes. I get that. I can't watch myself. I watched everything. You watch everything? I did. I want to see how I come off. How'd I do? Yeah. I guess. People love you, man. - How about Mike Turner? I heard he got, yeah, after three hours. - Yeah, and that's the one, he got, he's the only one that kind of got a bad at it. - Then he did it like a face-to-camera after to explain himself. - Yeah, so you know, he just, he was, he got to choose one mom for the show. You kind of, one killing. - Oh, you have to show that if you can, - So he got chosen as the, as the guy who, you know, ate a fucking dig. - But he handled it well. - I don't know, what do you mean when? - He wasn't happy. - After, he was pissed. - Okay, so he goes out, right? It's a black crowd in Chicago. - All right, he's kind of wiggered. - He's fine, he's great. - I don't know if that's great. (laughing) - He could say bigger. (laughing) - One letter up. - You know what I mean? He's got some flavor. - He's, he's flavored. - He's a, for what happened, he just, it wasn't connected. - He, at a showcase sets are very hard. Dude, he had a black woman crowd in Chicago. - Ooh. - Which are fun, which we love. - We love, we love. - But you don't wanna go against the grain here. So he goes up, his first thing he says was, "Man, don't we all miss Bush?" (laughing) - Which is like, if you're in a middle-aged black lady, that's the last, that's your ultimate hater. - The president of the vagina, what are we talking about? - I don't even know, right? - Honestly, with them both, they hate, I feel like. (laughing) Both of them stink. (laughing) Either way, they hate it. But he goes in, he's talking about Bush, President Bush. How, it's so good for white, it's still good for white guys, isn't it? It's not good for white, and like all the black ladies hates all this. - Yeah. - So he just starts bonding. - My note would be, don't open with something that divisive. - And some of that old, Bush is what, 30 years ago, what are we doing here? - He's a current. - Especially, there's a much more controversial figure in office right now. - Right, right, exactly. - It's probably not great for black ladies. - But then they, this bomb, they throw from like, nine different angles, they get like a golly shot. - There's a drone, a drone footage of him. (laughing) - With the timer going up on the bottom line. So he bombed pretty hard, and it was, it's pretty embarrassing. - And they said they ended it to make it look worse. - Worse, worse. - But do you know what the hardest thing about moving on is not, I don't think even the closer, in my experience, I think the opening joke. It's like, you have to write an opener for every set. - Yeah. - Yeah. - How many sets did you guys do? - We ended up doing six. - Eight. - Eight? - What do you mean, sets? - For the show. - Yeah, six. - Six, yeah, we did six. - That's a lot. - And how long has each set? - Five minutes, and then the last one was seven. - Seven. - It is six, like nine sets, yeah. - Well, one was a roast, and then the one was at work, but it was still, you had to open with the drone. - Yeah, who were you roasting? - Martian Lynch. - Oh, it's cool. - It was crazy. - Why him? - We lots of good ones. I think it was tough though. That was like eight months of like pain and fear, 'cause we were just terrified of like, you know, you're going up to Netflix, millions of people. I'm first on the show, terrified. They don't tell Martian that we're roasting him. - No. - What? - He didn't know what? - He start talking back to me while I'm roasting him. I'm like, good buddy, buddy. He's like, Oakland's coming out. - Yeah. - He's in our Oakland's coming out. - Why would they not tell him? - Buddy, I think they did tell him, but you know, he don't be listening to shit. - Yeah. - He's not on media or not thereof, right? - He had his, he had his, his, uh, drink, Hennessey, and then he was sitting there and he had a microphone here. - His drinks, Hennessey, Hennessey, Hennessey, Hennessey. - Hennessey. - And then he, for me and you-- - It's a great, great guy to roast. A guy who took a lot of shots to the head with the drinking trouble. - Yeah. - Yeah, right. - But the DUI's still drinking. - He would get genuinely upset. Like some of the things we would say, you would be like, I'm going to kick your-- - I'm going to say. - Who did I buy when he opened back his fourth, but-- - Geez. - The first couple of roasts, it was like, hey, yo, Brad, he did the side mic where he kind of like-- - Oh, if you roast the whole day, it's just him. Everybody. - Okay. - Who else was out there? - Well, we had to do it. - I'll call all the comics. - Oh, yeah. - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - Is that Reg? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, he's fine. - It was, this is literally my Instagram. - Oh, that's so funny. - Oh, wait a minute. - And they did four, how terrifying. I'm like back there. - Yeah, our faces are like, oh my god. - Is that Fury? - Yeah, Fury. - So this is the top 10, I think, right? - Yeah. - Hey, hey, hey. - So the judges were Segura, Chelsea, Camel, and Akumel, Nicky. - That's a good group of actual comics. It's not like, when I did the contest. - This rock was there. - How was rock? - You know, I heard he was tough. I heard he was a little scared. - Well, he's a legend. He's a legend and the-- - He's a real. - Well, he was one of the last ones. - He was the one for the, what the fuck was it? - So semi-final. - Yeah, he was like, I don't have my best material at this point. I'm feeling a bit handicapped. And I got to go in front of fucking Crystal. - Yeah, the best comic. - You could have given the best joke of your life to him. - Really? - They have to stop cutting to his face. - But he's not gonna say a laugh for her. He's not gonna say a laugh. - Oh, my god. - Right. - If he's a good joke, he would be like, that's a great joke. But he's not like a giver. - Sure. - As if Nicky-- - He's computing the premise. - He's a very smart guy. - What's his face? It was literally like, ah. (laughing) - If you went knock knock, you would be like, I don't even know what to say to him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You wouldn't even know what to say. So he was tough, but you know, I guess it's part of it. - That's the most people come up to me afterwards and they're like, how was Crystal? - Yeah. - He's not tough. - He's an obvious legend. He's an amazing comedian, but he's not someone I would be like, hey, tutor me. - Yeah. - I wanna, you know, say it was kind of tough. And he can't be, he can't be fake. He's like, he's been unable to like, change his face in a way that he's not trying to, right? - Yeah, no it's silly. - Even there's a video of him coming in when you guys are all in the green room. He's like, all right guys, it's gonna be great. You gotta give it an extra. And even that looked weird. I was like, what are you doing? - Yeah, it's a weird clip. It went viral, but it looked very strange. - But it is weird that the bigger the stage, it's like, you're like, I have let, did you open on your favorite jokes? - Ah, the first set of the first set? - I did, it's one of my favorites. - Yeah. - But by the semi-final, I was doing some of the older bits. And then the last set I just did the set I was doing in the clubs, perfect. - Yeah, I saved my most recent stuff for the end 'cause I was like, if I make it to the end, then, you know, that stuff. - It's so weird, I was working on it. I wasn't done with those bits, and now I'm gone. I don't use them anymore. So it feels like a weird like that. - Is that weird? - Drangle my baby and the fucking. - Yeah. - The patient needed my jokes. - Oh my god, that's what I did. And it feels wrong, real good. - We had a rose air in Hernandez. I'm like, it was, it was really good. - You didn't take it well. - Yeah, I didn't take it well. - Yeah, that was tough. You killed my wife, the whole thing. - Not a good combo on the roasting the year of thing. - Oh yeah, I thought it. - It was weird because none of those people were in the, I don't like a roast when the people aren't in the room. So we kind of made it a point to be like, we're just gonna roast like Diddy and Luigi 'cause they're in prison. - Exactly. - So it makes sense or not there, but you feel weird being like, "Hey, machine gun Kelly's in the news." - Yeah. - But he's not here. - And we got Stephen Hawking pretty good 'cause he was dead in a pedophile. - Yeah. - It's a double whammy. - Oh well. - And they don't know for sure. - That's true. - We never came out as a pedophile though. Does anyone? - Ah, good boy. - You get found out. - Yeah. - I mean, he was on the island this year. - Platinum membership, I think. He was zero. - Oh yeah. - He was on their club access. - Yeah. - He's a gold member. - They give the towel before he walked in. - He was taken to the act. - He didn't have. - He was taken to the hotel. - Oh, shit. - What the hell's going on everybody? - What is this, safe paddy's day parade? Look at these backs. - Oh. - Come on. - Hey, pull up the seat again. - Stand literally right here. - Thanks for bringing food. - Where are the cameras? - What's that? - The camera here? - Hello. - But it's not pointing at us. - Are you gonna turn around? - Turn around. - Hey, you got this way? - There you go. - There you go. - All right. - All right. - All right. - Anyone want a slice? It's a giant slice. - I'm just saying, I'm here. - Yeah, thank you. - You're welcome. - Thank you. - What's up? - I'm here. - The black, yeah, I'm black Asian. - You could be anything, that's you could go in any neighborhood. - I grew up in my parents from Bangladesh. - Oh wow. - Yes, it's really inappropriate. - Yeah, I was like, are you gonna ask me? - I was like, I'm like you, I'm like you. - It's like I'm blocking your cameras. - It was a love, I think I love it. - Did those never? - Yeah. - It wasn't too negative. - You guys done already? - We started, we did an hour and a half. - All right. - It's amazing. - See you later. - Well, that's a big guy combined, yeah. - You know what I discovered, Mark, that could be useful to you by accident. - Carrying a pizza, great way to get out of a hug. - Oh. - He tried to hug me, like a lumbar open, and I got a pizza, so I thought I could just put it down for a second. - No. - Yeah. - I'm gonna put a pizza to my parents house. - That's what I said, I'm gonna spray it up to pizza. - Sorry, I have to hug my dad. - Oh shit, I can't. My dad hugs like this. - Oh yeah, same. - He does that one. - Same. - Is that why punk rockers wear like spikes all over their jackets? - I don't think that's what I'm talking about. - But yeah, I think that's where the mosh pits, they get in there. - Yeah. - They can do some damage. - I feel like I saw these punk rocker girls on the subway yesterday, and they had dyed hair, the spikes, the combat boots, it was like, you're a rebel, right? So why are you wearing a fucking uniform? - I know, it's a lot of work. - But I mean, it's been 50 years of the same uniform. - Oh, good point. - He also wanna see tattoos leaves, and the sleeves are like this. Well, you're just trying to show the sleeve. You're trying to show the tattoo. It was kind of ruins the coolness factor of it, no? - You're saying they cut off the sleeves? - No, you're gonna have the whole sleeve of tattoos. - Oh. - Then there are shirts like this. I'm gonna not cool anymore, 'cause you're trying to show-- - Right. - And tattoo your legs. - It's like an addiction to you. You see some people get like, they do one arm, then they just do the other arm, then the leg, and you're just like, this is like an expensive thing. - They're very expensive. - That was the most Jewish reaction, too. (laughing) - I mean, the money you waste, Jesus Christ. - And I went hepatitis, and it was both our race right now. - But these guys were just on a big Netflix show. - Do you see money? - Funny, yes. - You know about Netflix, Greg? - Yeah. - New network. - It's a strange way to watch it any time long. - Have you heard of this? It's like the new last comic standing, but it's, I think it's bigger. - It was just having a hard thing? - Yes. - Oh. - Congratulations, that was big. - That was cool. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who won? - Ron Taylor. - Pull him up. - Yeah. - I like Ron. He's a comedy store guy. - Yeah, fun guy. - Oh yeah. - Very funny. - I don't like him the most. - I like you guys. - Hey. - Hey. - Hey. I annoyed the entire time. I don't know why I'm here, man. He's getting through. He's a throwback. He's like one of red foxes. He lives in his van. No, I think that's done. But that was his way of talking. Although he did say, he's still doing it. He said, "If I win, I'm going to buy a new van." And I was like, "No." He's the most annoyed man. Yeah, he's pissed that he won. Yeah. Look at that. - What was the prize? - Netflix special. - And Netflix special. Did they give you money on top or just the specials? - No, I mean, they were sort of sag day really. - That's a great prize. - I mean, but it's a hard prize because you're like, I just did all my material and Netflix. - I know, I know. - You got to give me some time. - Yeah. - Push it back five years. - I think they were trying to get the next month. Like, "Hey, man, do the special." And they pushed it back. But Jesus Christ, right? - I know. And I had taped a special beforehand. So I was just sitting on a special and then I just did all of the material from that special. So I was like, "I'm just going to throw this on YouTube." - Yeah, perfect. - Pursue no rose. Please watch it. - Check it out. - Pursue no rose. (laughing) - So Caitlin finished second. - Is that correct? - No, third. - Third. - The psalm of finished second. - Oh, sorry. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Second is the best. Third is the nerd. - Okay. - Oh, the nerd chair. - The worst. - The worst is the second is the best. - Third is the one with the hairy chest. - The nerd. - The nerd. - The one with the hairy chest. - The corners are the best. - What if you have both? - Oh, wait, that's good. - We're seeing the bullets for like the last finale. - I had one that I was like, that Tom liked. He was like, "Oh, which I wrote that joke." - Tom's a girl. - Which was a big. That was like, "I got that on screen." I was like, "That's gonna really help." - That's a good clip. - It was good. So I saved some some heat. But Ron had this five minute dick bit that I think was like, "The world's loved." - Yeah. - What given you're going TV? It's that you're doing it for the world. You know, it's not just the crowd. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So going as broad as possible. It's probably in your best interest. - Yeah. - I was doing like Europe versus America type stuff. - Yeah. - For like, just random, I had like eight different topics for like one set, which I kind of wanted to do my way. But how did they vote? Who decided? - It was that moment. - Them. - Like there was a minute. - No, no, no, no, it was the world. - It was the world. They literally quit on their own. - Oh, the world. - The world. - It was just like, yeah. - For the semi finals and the finals, they could go on their Roku and not Roku, but like they could pick. - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah. - You can do that. - Uh-huh. - Yeah. - And there was a Roku straight. - There was a Roku. - There was a Roku, we roasted Martian Lynch. - Oh, right. - And Kevin and Nikki Glitzer. - Yeah. - Then they roasted Kevin Hart literally two weeks later. - So we had on the same map. - I think that's why they brought in Martian. 'Cause they were like, oh, we can't do two roast Kevin Hart. - Yeah. - And so they brought in Martian like two weeks before we were supposed to film. I don't know if I'm supposed to be saying this, but yeah. - No, yeah, I'm sorry. - You put it together. - Yeah. And so then we had to rewrite all of our jokes for Martian. - Were you guys zinging each other in the rounds? Like, would you go on after someone in zingham? Or is that kind of? - I had some Kaitlin jokes. - Yeah, I don't know. - What was best joke about me, Olivia was like, Usama looks like he eats pussy with his hands. - Yeah. - Really good. - Yeah. - Brown. - That's great. - Usama's an Indian fuck boy. So he can charm a snake and then ghost it. - Yeah. - Ooh, that's good. - I love it. - That joke in the night was wrong. He was like, Kevin, you look like a slave. You get for free when you bite Martian. - Oh, damn. - 'Cause he would have a great sense. That joke actually saved him in the whole round. That joke was so good, it saved his ass for the whole. - Wow. - Did it really tank because that's not a sport for every comic. - No, I think everybody had a good set. Some people just didn't roast Martian and I think that's what got there. - What? How do you not roast him? - Dude, right at the whole thing. - I'm saying that to my names. - Yeah. - Ray Loud. - Yeah, they said it. - Ray didn't roast Martian, he got the email, he didn't check it. - Yeah. - Brother, biggest day of your life. - Yeah. - He just ate so much. - You know I miss bush. (laughing) - I like the turn of ghost rot. - Yeah. - Some of his jokes. - Ray Loud is a tough name for an Asian. That is a curse to give an Asian negative name. - Which one's the yellow one's the yellow one's the yellow? - That's a mean. - I think you figured it out. - Oh, you're saying. - I feel for you Ray Ray. (laughing) - Or lay Rao. - Anyway. - And if you like Spreeto Laze, that's even. - So now it's Ray Loud likes Spreeto Laze. I wouldn't even say anyone. That's crazy to, I mean. - Same. - Seven Rao. - Oh yeah, it's crazy. I mean. - Dude, it was the most heroine experience. - That's crazy. Rose, your call time is 9 AM, you're not coming in at four. - They always do that. - What you in the fucking pan, you're just like stewing. - What is that? - I don't know, the stand, the rose, the crazy one, 'cause we don't have anything tested. - No. - So it was just gonna be on Netflix film. - You didn't run it by any crowds at all. - Dude, Steve Fury blew up pictures of the. I was like, what? We could do that. - I ran it, I went to. - She ran it, I didn't run it. - I didn't run it at once. - Comments all over the new joke nights. I would have pictures of people on my phone. - Oh. - Look at this. - Good move. - But it helped you, 'cause most Rose, you got like eight people writing stuff. - That's true. - I met with friends, I met with Ron on Hershburg, I met with. - Ron on J.M. - He's the kid, you can write. - The best Rose joke writer, most underrated, too. - Tell 'em the big J-Joke. - The big J-Joke was. J-Joke doesn't seem Jewish, except that he chains his wallet to himself. (laughing) That was like, that's good joke, I get a compliment at the most. I have to be like, that was real. - Killer. - Yeah. - You know it's got one of the craziest Rose jokes ever. You know, Deena Hashem's joke. - Oh. - That was a Rose family in a guy who's mother. That was a motorcycle crash. And she goes, his mom died the way he lives an unrecognizable road feature. - Woo! - That joke will, 100 years. - That'll be nice. - That is vicious. - I'm one of the best jokes ever. - That is so good. - That's what we were like, oh my God. I know. - Oh, but the craftsmen share. - Yeah. - You go back and forth, you're like, it's so fucking vicious. - That joke is so good. Even if you don't know the word feature, you kind of know what it means. - Yes, you put it together. - It's like you learned something in the joke. - I told her to tell once he goes, "Jesus, keep it surface." (laughing) - I think one of the most underrated Rose jokes ever is I think it was Florentine. He goes, "Bonnie McFarland, "Living the American Dream." She moved to America and got stupid rich. - Great. - Great. - Yeah. - That's the rich boss rose, right? - Oh my God, that's a good joke. - She was so, yeah, Bobby, at that point, that was when Bobby was just heaviest. He was like, 380 pounds. She goes, "Hey, Bobby, it's one more than you, "so if you want to start making your way up here." (laughing) - That rose is underrated. It's like a wall-to-wall bang. - Oh, it's incredible. - I think my favorite rose joke is Iced tea or so old. The first thing you bought with your money was your freedom. - Boom. - That's your logo. - That's your logo. - Which means it might've been Jesse Joyce. - That's true. - Wait, Jesse Joyce was writing "Living the American Dream". - Jesse Joyce and Toronto together. - He wrote the pizza joke. Ralphie made you so fat when you're watching porn. You come when they deliver the pizza. - That's a great joke. - Yeah, yeah. - Play the Clip of Ralphie's standing and applauding, which you know that took a lot from him. - Oh, my God. - Well, he got annihilated in a rose battle with "You ever see Lawrence?" - Lawrence. - Steve Lawrence. - Yeah, Mike Lawrence. - Oh, my God, legend. - Yeah, I'm looking at it. - Is that what was going to happen? - Oh, he knew. - He just needed. - Prepare any jokes? - He just thought, "Oh, this guy's nobody." I got it. - Mike is an unbelievable writer. That's the thing. - But it's like you got paired with the best also top five rose writer of all time and you came with nothing. - I know. - You came with school yard stuff. - He bought it for Breeze bottle. That was his big move. - Oh, the prop. - It just looked worse about Teppolo, Robin Quivers. Yeah, you would too, if your father finger fucked you when you were six. (laughing) - Those old house two rose are fucking, you are on some of those. - Yeah, I roasted Bobabooie one time and I go, I said Gary's teeth look like a row of urinals at Shay Stadia. (laughing) - What was it? Was it Teppolo who said, oh, he goes, at least the lamp when he's fucked so many black guys, he calls him on her sickle cell. (laughing) Was that Teppolo? - I don't know. - Sickle cell. (laughing) - I think that was Nick. - But they're cool, they're really dumb. That's why they're so funny. - That's great. - It's great, it's cool yard shit. - It's really great. - Have you guys done roast? - Many times. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - We'd more roast it at each other. We roasted Nate Bargazze. We roasted what? - What? - What? - Yana's? - The Yana's roast. - Yana's a great guy. - That was a great one. - No one did that. - What was the good Nate roast? It's like, it's from like the '50s. - What a guy. - We had a roast of Nate Bargazze, whatever it was, 15 years ago. - Michael J, all these stars. - Nobody thought to be like, should we roll camera on this? - Yeah. - It was just a literal private roast. - Yes, for fun. It was Michael J, Sal Volcano, big day. It was all these killers, soda, and yeah, no film. - We did a Nate one and a Yana's one. - Yeah. - I roasted Chevy Chase on Comedy Central. - Whoa. - That was the one that got canceled. - Fam, I did, I went on three hours in. And it was back when it was still the Friars Club, so the audience was like all these old Jews from the Friars Club. And they started it like noon. And I got on it like three o'clock. And Chevy wouldn't say hi to anybody. Like backstage, he had sunglasses on. And it was like, he hated being there. So he sat there with the sunglasses on. - Did you do what you wanted to do it? - Yeah, for his wife's charity. He said he did. They donate like a million dollars to them. And so I went on. And I mean, I got cut, Kevin Meene got cut. Marin, like, all these people that went on towards the end, and it was famously the worst roast of all time. - He cried, didn't he cry? - I don't know. - Let's say it. - Why not? - He cried. - Yeah, crying like a bitch. - I remember Marin had that joke from that roast, where he said, he kept Chevy Chase kept saying, "Who are these nobody's?" And he goes, "We're nobody's at the beginning of our career." - Ooh, that cuts deep. - That's great. - Was Colbert on that one too? - Oh, barely. He had a pretty great set. - He did. And so did Al. - Lubel. - Now who is the guy, Al Franken? - Oh, wow. - Al Franken is great. - Oh my God, I've never done that. - I've never done that. - Yeah, really? He always sticks it up. - That's it. - Yeah. - Mr. Waldo was on that too though, right? - Yeah. - Todd Barry. - Todd Barry. - Todd was on there, a young time. - Yeah, Jeff Ross, Lisa Lampanelli. - Yeah, Ross had a hair. - It's a lot of diversity with something. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - And then some of the old time was like Freddie Roman, Dick and Bri. Alan King might have hosted it. - Yeah, I think he did. - No, no, Paul Schaefer. - Oh, that's right, Schaefer. - And I said, "Dr. Phil with AIDS, everybody." - And people bummed out. - What? - Yeah, yeah. - Damn. - With AIDS is the classic add-on, yeah. - Was that the famous one where Gerardo had the drug infused meltdown? - No, that was Larry the Cable Guy. - Okay, then Arty Lang. Arty Lang had to help him get to, which is crazy. - Arty Lang is the guy like, "We gotta get you shit together." - Well, yeah, the whole story is Arty helped Greg get on a flight. He was like freaking out. He took care of him this whole time. And he like held his hand through security. He was bugging out. And then Greg shows up for the roast. And his first line is he goes, "Arty Lang, you fat fucking drug addict." And he just turns him like-- - He just turns him like, "Ah, that's show business." - That's great. - Paul had a great Larry the Cable Guy goes, "This real name's Dan Whitney, but he had to change it because I had the word "Wit" in it." - That was a good roast, the Cable Guy roast was kind of-- - That was a great idea. - Yeah, that was my anger on that one. - Yeah, good. - That was the one where he said, "Draw them like lost it." And he was like, "Why are you so famous? I don't get it." - He's like, "This one broke me." - Yeah. (laughing) - Today's episode is brought to you by Ethos. Life insurance is one of those things. It's easy to put off, but it's an important way to help provide financial security for the people who matter most. Ethos makes the process simple by letting you apply 100% online without the paperwork or appointments you might expect. With Ethos, you can get a quote in seconds, applying as little as 10 minutes and even qualify for same day coverage. There's no medical exam required. You just answer a few simple health questions online. Coverage is now available for up to 3 million with some policy starting as low as $30 a month. It's a fast, straightforward way to see your options and get covered. Protect your family with life insurance through Ethos, get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com/drunk. That's ethos.com/drunk. Application times may vary, rates may vary. I think he said Jeff Foxworthy was magnum PI with AIDS. I could be wrong there. - Everyone had an AIDS metaphor. - AIDS was big. 'Cause it still killed me. - I hope he was an AIDS truck. I hope an AIDS bird flies into your face. AIDS was big. - AIDS was big. - Word, yeah. - Well, it killed like a couple million gays. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I believe. - It's a straights too, actually. - Yeah. - That's a rumor. - It's a myth. - Hemophiliacs and homophiliacs. (laughing) - I know, yeah, there you go. - I had a story. I went to the, what do you call, STD clinic, whatever. And then the waiting room, there was a video. And it was like a 15 minute video about how AIDS was ravaging the black community. And then it turned over into a drug community. And then there was like 10 minutes on the gay community. And then it looped back to the black community. And I was like, I guess I'm all right. (laughing) - They just addressed the three. - Yeah. - And then it was a, then it was a mastery run. And then it was. (laughing) So imagine you got the disease and you're like, I'm way, why, that's checking again, doctor. (laughing) - I'm so old, I'm so old. - I'm so old when I used to work as a teenager at a hospital delivering the food to the rooms. And then this disease came out and nobody knew what it was. But they told us that when we delivered to these rooms, it was like all disposable utensils and plates. And I had to wear a mask and gloves. And they, but they still sent me in. And they, there's like in the first year of the month. - I didn't have a name. - Whoa, we scared it. - Whoa, whoa. - That was fucking hot. (laughing) - They were called grids and gay related musicians. - Yes. - Whoa. - Grids. - Yes. - This is a roast show. (laughing) - They're roasting the victims in the name. They're like, bring this to three. - Yeah. - Don't fuck anyone in the room. (laughing) - They don't look hungry. - Did you win that? - It's a pretty AIDS protocol. You're going in with just like a gas mask. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Yeah. I'm right, a H. Pylori, famously, that's virus. You get for eating ass. But I went to the doctor and I was like, I have AIDS. I know it. I was kind of having a real breakdown. And he goes, you gay? And I go, no, I go, use needle. And I go, no, he goes, you don't have AIDS. That was a doctor. In lab coat. Told me that. That left. (laughing) - You used needle. Is it a good Japanese? - He was in, he was in, I can't do the accent. - Look at that. - You used a needle. - There I was. I got puffy. - Oh my God. - A nose of illness. - Oh my God. This is what I found. Oh, y'all. - It's horrible. - Sorry. - It looks like you turn it with AIDS. (laughing) - It's my AIDS truck. (laughing) - You look like you need AIDS there. - Pull up your turner. - Pull that up so they realize it was a good joke. (laughing) - I want the people to know, don't appreciate it. - Remember that? Come on, there we go. - Come on, there we go. - Good job. - Oh, I didn't see him. - He went to LA and I think he does a lot of acting. - Okay, okay. - He got AIDS. (laughing) - So you guys now you burn, how much? Like 35 minutes or the 20? - It's like 20, 25 minutes. - 20 is the best. - 20 is the best. - It was fun. If you've done about 14 years, this is a point, right? So let me have some extra stuff. If I was five years in, this would be a terrifying moment. - Sure. - Yeah, I think we were lucky. 'Cause I had Dirty Bird too, my previous album. So like the semi-finals, I was like, I'm just gonna do everything from Dirty Bird. And then the crowd work, we didn't have to. I think I burned one joke. - There's a crowd work set? - Yeah. - That's brutal. - It was crazy, you had to work in crowd work and topical. So it was random. - What? - Just do edit-topicals and also have some crowd work in there. - This is a lot more. - The business. - Yeah, that was the one I was the most nervous about. - Yeah. - Because they did the roast and then we didn't get a day to practice or run our set. We had to do the next day, show up 9 a.m. - Damn. - Yeah. - And then do crowd work. - Crazy. - This was a hellish week. - It was the hardest week of my life. - Yeah, we were terrified. - We were terrified the entire time. - And where were you filming this, sorry. - LA. - LA. - LA, okay. - Is New York the first round. - Yeah. - And we didn't elderly me and Kelly and give her a give a fuck down in this round. - No. - We were like, okay. - Yeah. - And then we got in and ask you to end you more and more. You're like, well, okay. Now I truly give a fuck. - Yeah. - I don't need this. But it was fun. It was like, thank God you were there 'cause everyone was feeling too much. I would pour myself into you. - There's really a great picture of us. It was after we were waiting to find out the results from the roast. We were sitting there in a corner, just huddled together. And then he said something stupid. - I don't remember what you said. It were just doubled overlapping and then panic sweating and just like this. - Dude, it's cool. - Never again. - It was crazy. It was crazy. - I think everyone was from New York and some people were from New York. But I think me and Kelly, we started together like auto shronken head that we're talking about. - Whoa. - The shittiest Mike's on planet Earth. - Yes. - And there. - It's the third friend in New York, basically I met her immediately when I came here. - Yeah, so that was great. - And then we made it to the finale together and that was nice. - That was the best part of the whole thing, actually. - Have you found your draw on the road pixel? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I mean the media. - I mean the media. - I don't think before. - I think before the agents paying way more attention to you. - But yes. - So I hate to hell. - I don't know there's a different menu for the sell-outers. - Yeah. - And buy meats and cheeses at the gloves. - Yeah. - Yeah, right. - Which are good. Before I was doing, maybe I'll be the same way. Friday, early say, 50%, 60%, Friday late, 30% sold, Saturday, 80%, Saturday late, 50, right? All that, barely struggling in. - I know. - I don't know what else they hit you, right? - Yeah. - And now it's all sold out. Everything's sold out. - No, are they still accepting the applications for this program? - No, what did you want to make? - Yeah. - We'll talk to you in the post. - In the post. - Yeah, I remember those days too. (laughing) - She days ago. - Do you want to hear what literally is saying about the everything's selling out? - All right. - Adding truth. - New average for us is like Sunday at six. (laughing) - Are we on CDs? Out of my trunk? - I saw his average recently. He just don't do that riff. He was like, you ever been to a Hampton Inn? I'm like, he still doing that one. - Still kills. - Yeah, Voss's thing where he's like, what's up, your middle? I'm like, come on man. (laughing) I've been headlining for 10 years. - I mean, I'll rip that last 40 years. - I'm going to snitch 'em to you, Neat. - All right. - You're still in middle. - Yeah, but you let him have it. You're like, yeah, you got me there. - No, you got to once you're over a certain age, respectfully. You just got to go, all right, you got me. - Yeah. - You got me there. It's been off my face like, good one. - He's like, and-- - Bonnie's gonna wheel him in. - He's gonna be like, you fucking middle. - Yeah. - You got me there. - You got me there. - You got me there? You're 90. (laughing) - You will be in a wheelchair gray hair in Air Force 1. - Oh. - For sure. (laughing) - Now, do you guys have a, 'cause when I did last comic standing, when you got kicked off, you had to talk to a psychiatrist. - Yeah. - They had that stuff? - What? - I never had a psychiatrist. - I did. - They had a psyche valve person therapist before you even got on the show. - So they wouldn't run through your shed and you'd be like, so you ever suicidal and were comics? You're like, only up for a bad set. - Yeah. - They're like, so after you felt suicidal, did you harm it? And like, there was no riffing. - Oh, jeez. - So I riffed a couple of times and I was like, that's out. I'm done. - I'm done. - Don't be like comic suicidal. I want a headburn or a little bit of a show. - You want a headburn? - Yeah. - I am after you said your numbers. (laughing) - I think some comics we know were in, and then last day they were like, no. - Yeah, they found out the day before we were supposed to shoot that they didn't get it. - What is that? That means they're the psyche about the new. They're crazy. Yeah, the background checks I do it. It's the psyche about They failed. Yeah, so they had it. Oh, well, and then it's like Whoa, I can hear this joke's hip, but their mental state got them all that's what I'm saying like that's crazy I'm gonna set me funny funny fun. I think uncle Vinnie is in Jersey should have a psycho So was Yamanika Furious when they kicked her off I did it was crazy. They did that. Who's that to have a therapy? Yeah, I mean, if you'd cop is crazy Then you might get mad that you got kicked off. Then you might shoot somebody or something Yeah, I thought it was I mean my best interest to be a little crazy. I thought that's what I did Yeah, I was like, I'll be a little slow side. Oh, you know, I was I was trying to play it cool the whole time I was like, you're not gonna get my ass I'm a nice lady. Yeah, it was it was weird. Then we got in and then it was the it was a view that was the first round Yeah, and it was awesome. People go crazy on god. I don't know if you like friends. You know We're not the same people Totally yeah, they lose their friends. Totally angry people I know we're like ripping the mic off like nice light skin guy. I don't know why he's So dark skin, right? Yeah, anyone have a snap set. Anyone just go fuck this fuck you come it up Inward beep. Yeah, no, I was I had some crushes. Oh, so how many did it start with how many people were there was 15 people in each city And then it went to yeah, how many cities three I missed all five First round was with me you who's from New York? Well, I'm a Jackson, you have is Clarick was in it Winston Winston, red yeah, Andrea Jen, Jan. Yeah. Yeah, she didn't want to do the roast My soul tried. Yeah, oh she was doing like opening She'll be from a millennia at the time. Oh, he was paying way more money sweet He has a production deal. I think we're enough like so like why don't I just yeah, it devote to robbing a half-man is special I'm waiting. Yeah, so she's like I'll be fine with this guy She is yeah, I think she also just didn't want to do the roast and then this opportunity came up and she was like Yeah, I'm gonna do that. It's credit. You have to be like you have to hit every beat because not it become as a crowdwork person Right the roast person. It was crazy. Yeah, yeah, but you're creative you do you go all right? I'll do the roast and you go, you know what? I don't like being mean other people so I'm gonna roast myself You know interesting, but survive go to the next round, right? That's good point. That was the one everybody wanted They were like just get me past the roast and it doesn't matter. I'll be happy We said that with every round, but like The roast was the one where we're like just don't embarrass yourself, but yeah, yeah I mean it was like I want to do it myself. I didn't want it writers - I was like let me if I'm gonna die on this Let me just die on my own. Yeah, so I just I watched every roast I could possibly I watched every single Comedy Central roast Wow, slowly figured out how to fucking do it. Good for you. Yeah. No, I met with people Run on sweating, please If you throw up some money because he needs it It was before the baby was born Yeah, I open for a last comic winner. I'm not gonna say who and I got to tell you He would do these shows sold out big theaters. I would open for him and you could see people slowly walk out Ten minutes into a set 12 because they heard it all Wow, they heard it all so they were like we've seen this Yeah, they were so excited to see him the same act every time and they hated it really enough about that fan It wasn't that fan. Okay, all right. I'm not that old I open for him once. Oh really? What was he? It was a nice guy. All right. Do you know that that fan story at the I think it was the store where did he come up? Is he from the store? I don't know I think it was the store. Oh my dad fan was like a door guy at the at the store and everyone kind of like busted his balls He's like this nerdy guy and wasn't Funny in their perceptions. They're like, you know, you bust the guys balls and it's like yeah, fuck you dad You suck whatever and then he goes and does last coming standing he wins and he's coming back And this is first time coming back to the store where he was a door guy and this kind of nerd that everyone you know Punked or whatever in the term and he's walking in and everyone starts applauding Oh my god, he's like moved. He's like this is like the greatest moment of my life everyone's clapping people like emotional And he's like wow, he's really taking it in. He looks back and Rodney Dangerfield has a cane There is a version of that. That is true. And I think that's pretty close to the story No respect to Rodney's in a bathrobe That fan is dead I someone told me he died Maybe on stage No boom still working. Oh, do 75 there you go. I met him once He told me he gets his pants tailored so we can high kick during his set Rip yeah That's commitment I know he beat Rafi May, right? Yeah, I see that and in life Was it false third on that season? Oh shit. Is that right that's crazy? No wonder he's like yeah because that was the first year Did y'all have the crowd work episode two? I saw you all have I get wasn't there a crowd episode on the last Company standing season where April Macy gets like destroyed or something I'm not at my year. Yeah, no, I did the last year. They didn't do it That's wild. You had a good year because you had norm and Jezzle neck So I had more real comedians. Well, I was very exciting here. Jezzle neck was there and norm was a judge But it was the first year that I didn't do the challenge and then it aired at 10 p.m. Instead of 9 p.m So nobody watched it and you got pretty far Comedy I was watching it and I was like, I love this job. Thank you. I was in the top 10 Baby joke with the itching. Yeah, I had a great set, but it was one of many things that I was like now Here we go and they were like, yeah, that's rating somebody. Did you rent? Did you run out of clean material? No, no, I did great It was hard to see that we were just saying it was hard Netflix they can say whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah We on the on the one that no I was on the season Joe was on and I think Marb you were in the year before me Yeah, I had made it for what was amazing about it was it was union because I was doing last Come see the exact same time that Vitor was doing America's got talent, which was a non-union So he was like on the show all the time making no money and flying himself to LA Yes, and I was getting paid like hundreds of dollars an hour to just fart around Yeah, so he got like a hundred thousand followers. I got none, but I made like $75,000 or something I'm guessing on the number but it was a bunch. I just added up how much he makes a year You know, he's making half a million dollars a year, whoa it's good. Yeah. What is this good? No, this is him assessing Do that do these guys A low-ball for Joe. Yeah, I think it is after I said it. I went now. He's making more of the the Google on Like It's actually hurtful Not the 1.2 million from Yeah, I just made it $1,000 look at that Scroll down one more, let's see if I get the three Wow People are thinking about this what eggs is paying What is this Who are your judges you had norm? Who's the other guy norm Yeah, and norm was incredibly nice to me and then the entire country took it as very insulting He's like you're an amazing writer your future is gonna be in writing and everyone's like he just said he's ugly This is shit, and I was like, oh, I think I think it was being nice What are you doing? This is K. I'm full of they got everybody I keep eat. I'm not you are. This is crazy. Who's looking at her It is crazy that you're pulling up a bikini pic of me right after you pulled up my net worth Before you do that send me the link to that site, but that is inappropriate Who's the judges who's the judges in your final round? Legalizer and Tom Tom's real committee. So they have the shoes. Oh They had no say oh They must have some say because they're commenting on it before people vote there was a there was a yeah They commented but they were nice to everybody. Yeah, yeah, it looks a bad look. You're like you fucking hack Yeah, no work could be a little rough - Nor can we run. - He got to do it with Harrison Greenbomb, I remember. - I do remember. he did some anti-Christian stuff and got to eat it. - He went back to world on Twitter after that too. - Yeah. - He didn't end on screen. - Yeah. - No one really couldn't let it go. - That's crazy. - No, I remember he was on my podcast once and I said something about priests and he fucking laid in the van. - Really? - He was a big defender of the Christian Catholic. - Was he Christian Catholic? - I think it was Catholic. - He fought with the dockens on blind once. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh my God. - He went out and I think he got the best of them a little bit. - The dockets? - Yeah. - He had all the stuff locked in though. He was good. - He had one that dockens didn't. He couldn't. He's like, I can't answer that one. And Norm was like, I think I got you there, Dickless. So, they're excited. Then he died. So maybe God got him. - Both dead, I guess. - Dockens died? - Is he dead? - No, everybody, you gotta stop saying this thing. (laughing) - I don't know what you're doing, but you can't swing again. - From the hip. - Sam's like, Daryl dockens. - What? - What the fuck? (laughing) - It got hitter novel guys. - That's true, that's a good point. - The old same to me. (laughing) - The new atheist people. - Is Dali part and dead? Why is she up there? (laughing) - She's been dead. - Let me see her feet. - Wait, no, she is alive. - No, she's alive. - Yeah. - She had a wiki feet. - Pull up her wiki feet. - Good night. - Good guy. - I didn't even know that existed. - Stand by your man. (laughing) - It's not her. - That's differently. - It's not her song. - Who is this? - This is Goofs. - Stand by your man. - Sure, she did a rendition. - Tammy something, I think. - Yeah, Tammy Pesticadelic. - What was this real upside? - Tammy Womack. - Why not? - Why not? - Opening the movie. - What movie? - What's wrong? - Stand by your man. - I don't know. - Five easy pieces. - Oh, shit. - Nicholson. - Also amazing role played in Blues Brothers. Stand by your man. - Right, you're singing on stage. - Yeah, my last upside, this is good. - Yeah. - Am I-- - Oh, you can't do it? (laughing) - I mean, what are we doing? - What the hell are we doing? - I'm gonna do that. - I'm gonna do that. - What's so good? - I'm just gonna get all into wiki feet. - I look up every guest when they come in. I apologize to you, but I looked up Joffrey. - Are you a feet guy? - Am I in there? - No, I'm not a foot guy. - Am I? - I don't think so. - I think you're my feet. - I think it's a different. - I have a theory that I'm a feet is gross. - Men, feet are disgusting. - Yeah, hang in there episode three. - I think foot fetishism is more shamed than pedophilia. - Well, he's a big, uh-- - I would rather be a foot fetish, I would rather be a foot fetish. - I'm not a foot guy, I'm not a foot guy. - I'm not a fetishist, but like, I'm not afraid to say, I like a nice pair of feet. - I like a foot too. - You know, like if a girl's got flip flops on and you know, it's a nice rounded to like an Asian foot. - Where it's-- - Where it's for you. (laughing) - You're a stupid fetish, right? (laughing) - I'm not a finding, whatever. - Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that. - This is fun. - Oh, we're the God, yes. - Oh, I hate this. I can't move on. - She doesn't even know. - This is so cool. - And that's a midtown-- - I know what's happening. - Midtown foot right there. - And it's not really gross, it's like a city foot. - Exactly. - It's been on the subway train. - Were you at the parade, Sam? - No, it's too much for me. - Yeah, I celebrated from home. - No, I was there, I loved it, it was there. - It's too small an area, you gotta get out of the canyon to hear those and put it somewhere else. - I agree. - It's in my neighborhood, it's so horrible. - You sent me that video, really. I was leaving for the airport, like 545, and like the, what are your calls for coming at? They were like bringing the floats in. - My son works on that street, and he couldn't go to work that day. - Yeah, wow, yeah, brother works down there too, he couldn't go in. - So I feel like all comedians watch the series through you. - Yeah, I was happy for the next, but I was happier for you. - It was crazy, it was a good time, man. - You're a better man than me, because Stavros, I would have to be on friends with him. I couldn't handle it. 'Cause he'd run for the bucks like three seasons ago. He's supposed to like a carousel of the next, I'm like, get outta here, this is my day. - He came here and became a Knicks fan, 'cause he never teamed growing up, but he rooted for Yannis, he loves Yannis. - He's great, great, yeah. - I can't abide, I don't accept it. - Did you go to every game? - No, I only go, I'm not every game, but I went to a few. - Look up his net worth real quick. Let's see. (all laughing) - He looked at me for those seats, so. (all laughing) - But, no, that tipping game was the greatest thing I've ever seen. - I knew my mind. - So cool, you were there? - I wasn't at that one. - You know, I was in L.A. doing shows. I had it playing streaming while I was doing stand up. So I was like, I-- - Oh, the audience loved that. - Yeah. (all laughing) - Hot, sold out crowd, hot ticket. - It was my fucking 25 people. - What club? - A lot of entry. - Yeah, okay. - It was fine, it was fine. Who, listen, it's like a Thursday show. - That's worse than Kramer. - To the end. (all laughing) - I was in a city for game three, and it was so weird because I'm out on the street, and it's all black people, you know, over at Bryant Square Park. And then you watch the game like-- - Well, they live there. - And you watch like the inside. - Sorry. - The intuition. - They live in the street. It was a joke. I feel terrible. Cut that. She is described. - And everybody in the street is black. - And then you cut to inside the arena, and everybody's white. Then you cut to the floor, and all the players are black. - Yeah, yeah. - Interesting. - It is interesting. - It's liberal. (all laughing) - Cut, cut alert. (all laughing) - So what you're saying is the hockey team needs to win. - It's a white's out in the street. - Did the Knicks have any white players? - Yeah, we could collect. - I collect. - Call it's white. - Did he play? - He played the steal player. - We're just that deep that Otto took his minutes. - Yeah. - But no, he collects really good. - He got snubbed at the parade, you saw that? - Amazing. - That's racial profiling. They're like, who's this twink out here? - Oh yeah. - And then all the cops grabbed him. And he's like, I'm on the team, dick. (all laughing) That's gonna fucked up. That was reversed on a hockey team. - That happened to, what's this to? It was the tennis player there. - Three no-one. - James Blake. - He got like tackled and tased at the US open one. - Tastes, I don't know about tays, but yeah. - What's been a James Blake hater? - I was about to get them. I mean, they're defense. He looks like a guy works at Buffalo Wild Wings or something like, he's so regular guy. - I'll give a wing stop. That's amazing. This would be literally the biggest news story. - That's what I'm saying. - This is reversed. - But he was moving kind of Gen Z. I'm not gonna lie. - Give me that James Blake. - Yeah, he was skipping. - He was not champion. - He was skipping. - Well, he's a champion. - He was moving like that. - He heard a lot of skippy when I was champion. - Yeah. - Yeah, he was crazy. - I ran a Michael Cox from Fallen last night. And he said, man, I was there. When the whole team was there, they were lit up. And I was like, they deserve it, man. - Yeah. - Let him be lit up. - Let him be lit all year. - Yeah. - 10 weeks of just grinding. - Look at the 86 mats. - Oh. - They were more than lit up. - They were lit before and after. - Yeah, during. - During. - I wasn't in the switchup of the commentators. It's crazy. So like the hate Brunson was getting before. - Yeah. - And now the way they're like, you know, they're shutting on anybody who's not ranking him higher. It's so quick how they change up. - It's true. - I didn't get to trade anybody out in the off season. - Oh, it's about who you can't control. - Yannis is in the hit now. - Yannis to Miami is pretty big. - Yeah. - But did that happen? - Yeah. - It happened, yeah. - What? - Yeah. - No shit. - They're gonna be thin though, 'cause you know, it depends who they can afford to keep. We'll see. - Well, Stavros, I have to go to Miami parade next year. - Yeah. - Oh, too warm to get handled. (laughing) - I gotta kill. - Oh, so anyway, this is happened with a tennis player, James Blake, the thing that we're talking about. - Oh, it was me. - But we've moved on at this point, but we got arrested. He just had to leave him. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Hey, hey, hey. - What happened? - He could do anything. - He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was stuck him for a criminal. - Oh. - He was in the right, in the area. - Yeah. - Did he get a little lawsuit out of this? - Oh yeah. - I've really got my juke up on today. (laughing) - You got a suit. (laughing) - What, uh, what ethnicity is this cat? - I think it's black. - Yeah. - Oh, no. - And he's light-skinned. - Tense here. - I'll go with that. - James Blake is a very-- - He was a good player, yeah. - Not anymore. - They ruined his arm. - Yeah, it's cool. - He was a man. (laughing) - It's called "Play Up." - It's 10 years ago. (laughing) - Damn. - Did he win the yellow hat? - He sports it all. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What's his work here? - I soccer, I'm watching the World Cup. - Oh, I'm going nuts. - The USA is doing pretty good. - But I like the games. - Pretty good. - They're great. I'm so excited. - It's fun seeing all the stereotypes come to life. You know, the shots are drinking. The norwegians are rowing up an escalator. - The Japanese are cleaning up after this. - They're cleaning up. I mean, it's very sweet. It's lovely. Everybody's getting along. We love it. - The Japanese people are coming in like they didn't have internet for the last 10 years. (groaning) - BBQ, it's like you, you Googled it before Hiroshi. - That's true. - It's so weird though, the fucking Iranians finish their games. They get flown to Tijuana immediately that night. - Whoa. - It has to be recent as a country. - Is that right? - Yeah. - Damn. - It's pretty bad that they're, it's like, deported almost. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Basically, I mean, and they also got a goal taken away from them. You know this? - Oh, the Iran team, they took away a goal from them, and they said sorry later after the game. My bad, it was a goal. - Really? - Yeah. - Whoa. - They're fucking them up a little bit. - Yeah. - Thank God, they don't have nukes. (laughing) - Now we know of it. (laughing) - Any more. - The point, nukes, and magic. - But yeah. - Nothing. - Yeah, also the, oh, sorry. But there was a Norwegian guy in Bucky's filming, and he was just like, this is insane. - Yeah. - This is what a country. - Every French person in a Costco or Walmart is a video I am double-tappin. - I am. - Yeah. - I'm done. - Everything is so much. - Yeah. - You can buy a bed here. - Yeah. - Be sure, there would never go to, like, Bucky Mississippi. - Of course. - There's always New York or LA. It's another really seeing America. It's kind of just, I kind of like it. - It's great. - Well, Kansas, basically. - Yeah, right. people in Kansas are kind of welcoming to all these people. >> Yeah, the Algerian team, they're like out there with signs being like, "Welcome." >> No, there's one guy who's really mad the whole thing. >> Oh, of course he is. >> What the hell is this year? >> They're not showing that on TV. >> You're just waiting here? >> Yeah, I find the World Cup to be the most underwhelming trophy in the history of sports. It's like- >> The bad trophy? >> It's a terrible trophy. It looks like a cup. >> It's small. >> I need him to pull up his trophy. >> Lucas went to take a shit or look at the wicket. >> Yeah. >> Take the wicket, fix the cup. >> We need to see the World Cup trophy. >> If you can get it next to the other famous trophy. >> It's small, that's ball. >> It's little, really. >> Yeah, it's like the size of a bottle of wicket. >> That's right, it's like a trophy. >> It's like a little ball. >> It's like a World Cup, the world. >> It's terrible. >> It's pretty bad. >> It should be like an Epcot center. What is that thing in the Queens, the big old globe? >> Yeah. >> See, it's like a little post. >> Yeah, shitty. It looks shitty. >> Okay, you're right. >> Okay, that's it? >> Yeah, if it's in your hand. >> It's lame, yeah. >> That's worse than the MTV popcorn win. You know what I mean? When you win the MTV Awards? >> Yeah. >> That is so dude though, you see how dude fucks out. >> No, they don't do those today. >> I don't know. >> That was a good tournament. >> The VMAs? >> Yeah, the VMAs. >> I mean, the Stanley Cup is the coolest trophy in my opinion. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, it's actually a drink out of it. >> And the hardest to win. >> That's a party. >> And the ring's all pissed of it. >> Yeah, they still ask you not. >> So lame. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> The moon man. >> I think people would watch the Oscars more. It's a trophy was bigger. >> Oh. >> That's my take on how to get the Oscars more watch. Huge trophy. >> Peter Dinklage is out there. >> Now this is one of the most depressing things in society to me. Because I had what matches had. If you Google the Stanley Cup, you get pages and pages of the stupid garlic I have Stanley Cup. >> Why is that cup so popular? >> Well, as a token lady, it's just very insulated. It's cute. It has a straw. It goes all the way to the bottom and it doesn't spill. It's spill proof. >> It doesn't every-- >> And it fits in every-- >> No, it does not. Okay. >> Sam, you shut your mouth. >> It fits in every cup holder. >> No, no, I'll tell you what it is. >> This cup is like Pete Davidson. Women only like it because other women like it. It's not because the cup is that great. Other women like the cup. >> Well, it had this viral video-- >> The mud is round. >> The cup is round. >> Yeah, I saw a Kardashian woman. >> The jar is round. >> No, you do it. >> I think I have a point. >> What is that? >> Pete Davidson. Good guy. >> [LAUGH] >> Funny guy. >> He's trying to save it. >> We're back. >> I've got to say this cup is bad either. >> I'm just saying other women go, what's up with this guy? >> It's a good cup. >> It's a fine cup. >> It's a good cup. >> Yeah. >> Two fists. >> Two that's a good bit. It's very nice. >> The deadbeat cup over. >> No, the good cup. >> Great cup. >> I like a cup like that. >> It's a good cup. >> I just don't understand the hysteria. >> You don't know the cups. >> Wait, why is there some that's 40, 20, 300? Why the price rate is so crazy? >> I mean, that, I don't-- >> That's a good cup. >> It's like Beanie Babies. >> Yeah, I think there's a whole rare item. >> All of our references are from 1999. >> He's like hogs. >> The match reference W. E. Chris. >> Beanie Babies. >> Any, anyone got peeps? >> Yeah. >> I got a peep. >> Actually, I have a peep. >> Yeah. >> I'm proud of this peep. >> Peep. >> All right. I hope we haven't done this one. You go to a rental car place or some place where you need help. You need a guy at the desk. Right when you're in line, you got the fucking, you know, the mouse maze, you're waiting in line. >> Next. Here we go. That guy goes on break. You ever have that right when you're next and the guy goes, I'm going to break and he goes, ah! There's like four people, you know, and you're like, ah, that guy's, he's closing up. He's finishing with the computer guy and then he goes on break right when you're next. He tries to be crazy. >> I agree. Also, the person left is never the A team. >> No. >> It's always B team, Betty. >> B team and their piss that they're still there. >> Yeah. >> Oh, yeah, yeah. That one's amazing. >> Hey. >> You get rid of labor laws. >> He's been out of my hotel yesterday and there was a huge line and one person checking people in. And then the concierge guy is standing right there behind his little concierge. >> What is he? >> Just going like, dude, grab, grab a fucking tear. >> Yeah. >> Let's work as a team here. >> I agree. >> I agree. >> Yeah. >> You're like, oh, there's another guy now. He's a different guy. >> Oh, my goodness, all right. >> When a bar back isn't the bar and he's like, ah, big buddy. >> Yeah. >> Big towel off. >> Yeah. >> You can bump up here. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, you can bump up here. >> That's so true. >> A bar back is a, yeah. Gaffkin has a great bit about that. >> I love a bar back. >> What? >> I dated a bar back. >> Oh, yeah. >> I dated a lot of bar back. >> Those are strong. >> Yeah. >> Because they're strong, they're fun. >> Well, you go. >> They still get free drinks. >> Humble. >> They have no future kind of time. >> Yeah. >> Lots of tangos. Yeah. >> You want the rag on the one. >> Absolutely. >> Of course. >> Yeah. >> I wonder what the list and a pencil in their hand, I want to go over the maze. >> I want a list. >> pencil in the head. >> Oh. >> That's like, you're talking about specific fetishes. >> I'm not only thinking of one guy, yeah. >> Yeah. >> And I'm the male in the list. >> Yeah. >> Joe Lisp. >> Yeah. >> That's a great peppy. >> Thank you. >> Sure. >> I had that in Portland, had that in Seattle a couple years. >> Yeah. The hotel's a big one. When you're just waiting. It's like three deaths. >> I was just like, you know the person just traveled to get there. >> Yeah. >> Right. >> Yeah. >> They don't care. >> Or when you do the walk up and they go actually and then they make you stand there. >> Oh. >> Oh. >> Actually. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> You know what else I don't love if no one else try them again. The bell on a hotel desk. They hate when you hit that day. >> Yeah. >> They don't put it out there. >> Yeah. >> I'm dying to hit that bell. Everybody was going to go. >> Yeah. >> You can sit right there teasing you like a stripper you can't do. >> It's like the flight attendant. You got the fucking light. >> Oh. >> They hate that light. >> They hate it. >> I overuse it. Like if I have two people sleeping next to me because I would get the window. If I want to cup a coffee, ding, coffee one thing, I'll do it twice in a flight. >> I used to love. Remember on Virgin Airlines you could just do the other fucking on the little screen. >> Yeah. >> You could be like coffee. >> Really? >> Yeah. >> It was great. >> I never knew that. >> Yeah. >> Oh my God. I missed it. >> Yeah. >> This Virgin was the Virgin said. >> Oh. >> The airplane pet Peever saying, you know the lights don't aim right anymore. >> Yeah. >> So I'm trying to sleep. The person next to me got a reading thing. >> Yeah. >> But that light's hitting me. >> Yeah. >> It's got a light hitting me in the fucking. >> It's got a light. >> Good point. >> Yeah. >> Easy gritting. >> Yeah. >> Close to home. >> Yeah. >> That's a good one. >> I hate that. >> I hate that a lot. >> I hate trying to watch an in-flight movie because you're always like, oh, you know, I got one on my phone. But I can now watch it on the screen. I'll do that. And then on your left, you can see the graph. >> I know. >> And then it freezes. >> It's always the pivot. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And if anyone was with someone posted, it was literally the scene with Joe Paschis about to get murdered. >> Yeah. >> And good fellows. And it was like, you've been interrupted by your pilot. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> They don't censor the movies anymore. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Let's go. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Kind of a fun movie actually. It's still kind of fun. >> It's really nice. >> It's great. >> It's great. Do you remember playing Rise? We're everyone watching the same movie. >> Yeah. >> We used to have a country. >> Yeah, of course. >> Computer. >> Yes. >> And you have to all watch the same movie. >> Yeah. >> Well, did you see when the next one, the reaction on the flight? >> That was cool. >> No. >> Everybody had it streaming on their screens and the fucking flight went bananas. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> If you muted that and put 9/11 footage, the same thing. >> [LAUGH] >> No. >> You're not that big a fan, though. If you're flying during that game. >> That's great. >> There's a chance you wouldn't have a fucking, there's a chance you wouldn't have a TV. And if you're willing to take that chance. >> I'm not flying. >> I'm not flying. >> A lot of old school New Yorkers do not like these sort of bandwagoners, but I'm like, no, I'm okay. >> [INAUDIBLE] >> Yeah. >> Girls are hot. They're hanging out. Now you know what I'm saying? I'm saying, like, it's fun when girls are into this stuff, you know? >> I agree. >> I like the vibe. >> Yeah. >> Also, I'm happy. >> I'm happy. >> Yeah. >> How much nicks? >> Weird utopia I'm living in right now, we're just, everyone's walking down the street of nicks stuff and I was like, oh my god, I thought I'd never see the day. >> Yeah, people are looking toes out of here. >> We're so different. >> What? I'm like, outright. I see girls with pink red socks hats on, and I want to just smack them in the face. Look at the fuck out of here. Get out of here. >> I was just trolling Caitlyn on that one, but, you know what I mean? >> We're never wear panties on set. >> A hot cold means nothing to you. >> No. >> This is my pet peeve is on this stuff. >> You can enjoy the nigg, I moved to New York, you don't get a carousel post and to march at the parade. >> This is your stop. >> I'm just fucking a Baltimore. >> [INAUDIBLE] >> Or many other people. >> I love Stovey, I love the, he's the great guy, and go to your house, give you a hug. I texted you, congrats buddy, but, yeah, that's the idea of like, well, I loved the bucks six months ago, but today I'm going to do a carousel, and by the way, you go to the comments, and there's plenty of people lighting them up with the same thing. >> Really? >> Someone's like, you wrote three paragraphs to say you're a bad wagon fan, and there's a few of them like that. >> You wrote this, a pet peeve is a human being, is, I've got your first group, you know, Jews. >> You gotta, if you were to find a fan as a child, I got, you can't, you can't. >> In Baltimore, we didn't have a team, so I'm with you, but he is, and when I had a show MSG you. You were the role in that show, so did he. - Oh, oh, the TV, the channel, I see it, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, so I thought you met the Master Square Garden. I was like, I didn't do that show. - And we've got some games with Stav. - Yeah, so yeah. - Stav's Ravens guy, Matt, Hugh Ravens guy. So if you're a super fan of one team, I kind of respect you. - Now, how do you feel about Ari Shaffir is a Yankees and Cowboys fan from Maryland? - I didn't know he was a Cowboys fan. - It's a little cheesy. - I went to a Cowboys game in Dallas within one time. - Really? - Yeah, he went fucking crazy. - I don't trust him. I just don't trust people with those allegiances 'cause you just grew up picking the best. So it's like, you're gonna fuck, I, that's like, you're gonna fuck someone over at some point. - It feels like Dallas, though, is their America's team. And I do feel like there was a certain time where, you know, Roger Staubuck and it just was a team that the country came together for. And I kind of feel like it's like that with the Knicks right now. And people don't like some, like, New York team, but they have, and it's funny that like, somebody like you, who, you know, proselytizes about their team. The Knicks are great, Knicks are great. And then too many people like you need to go, "Nah, it's fucking, you're not allowed to like." - I don't feel like he feels that way, I don't feel like. - I feel like, I think if it makes you happy, I'm happy that this is what it takes to get you in a basketball. I'm okay with it 'cause I love it. So I love that other people again and do it. But, yeah, I mean, this, like, it definitely feels better when you suffer, you know? - Yeah. - You wouldn't know. - This hit, but it almost hit too hard. Like, this 10 weeks for me was like, "What the fuck?" - Yeah, yeah. - It was the biggest nut ever. That one I finally, that one it was released. I was just like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." I didn't know how to conduct myself. I was like, "I don't know, that post nut makes clarity." - It was crazy, I don't know. - What's crazy though is then you feel, you feel that way and you're like, nothing can ever. And then the next April, round one, game one, you're like, "Fuck you, you're like, you just won." But it just comes back. - I'll let you know. - I'll let you know, probably, it comes back. - I'll let you know if you're Boston. - Yeah, Boston, right? - Yeah, of course. - Yeah, of course. - Yeah, I got no respect for these other. (laughs) - I like them, 'cause they're old. - Like, intense about their fillies up there. - Millies up there. - Millies up there. - I grew up in Dallas. - Okay. - So it was a big cowboy's town. But, Matt, that was there when Nuitzky won. - That was an awesome. - And it was crazy. It was the first time people were outside in Dallas. - They were down there. - They were down there too, weren't they? - Yeah, no two, and Dirk had already lost to that heat team. And people say that's the heaviest ring ever, because he had to go through, like, Kobe, the-- - All the times. - All the time, Duran, - All the time. - and all the time. - And then he fucking took down the, the hedels, the LeBron heath. - And they were evil, LeBron was evil back then. He was like a young creator. And, yeah, Dirk was sick, the first game, they were like-- - And they mocked him. - Loved him. - And that was like, the whole world came on our side. - Right. - Fucked. - They were so likable that man. - It was great, it was great. - Was that Mark Cuban out there too? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - That was great. - That was great team. - Well, that's like, I had this experience, but then also everyone turns you, like the Patriots in 2001, 2002 Super Bowl. The whole world was rooting for them. As it was post 9/11, they were the underdogs, rookie quarterback, the Rams had already won. It was this 9/11y thing. And so the world-- - Why could that be? - Why could that be? - Why could that be? - That's hilarious. - What's up? - 'Cause the planes took off in Boston, people were-- - No, you had done me, 'cause they're the Patriots. - Yeah. - Red, white, and blue, Patriots. - No, no, everybody was rooting for-- - America was rooting for them. They were an underdog. We just been attacked the Rams. - Pipe down if you don't know the second team. But the Patriots, Patriotic, Patriot. - You dummy. - And the Patriots. - One, one, right. - Yes. - Yeah, here you go. - They're the Patriots. You're missing the point here. - Patriots. - They don't have any speed or so. They do something off a mug. - One of the points of my classic mugs again. One of the points. I just can't believe this isn't getting through. The Patriots. - Patriots. - Red, white, and blue. - I got a pee. - All right, we got a pee. - Here we go. - I think you have to pee. - That too. - But, you know, you've peed three times already. - People are crazy. But that's another reason I go to that parade. I need a bathroom from nearby. I need access to pee. - I remember when we went to the movies together and you and I both went to the piss like three times. You made me feel better about my life. I was like, I think I have cancer, prostate cancer. And you're like 10 years younger than me and you peed twice as much. I was like, I'm good, yeah, I'm a big movie pisser. - Yeah. - One time I was watching Black Swan. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - So I, all the dude friends are watching it. 'Cause you're about the scene, right? And then I go to piss, I come back to, "Dude, you missed the fucking." I missed the eating out scene. It was one bathroom break's worth of time. - Oh. - Was that scene? - You just get on it. Get the fuck out of here. - Oh, yeah. - You know, there's a website that does this. They watch the movie and then they post the best time to piss. - Oh, really? - I forget the name of the website. - Yeah, the best time to piss. - Not the nude. - I don't know if that was gonna be Dutch. - No, no, when you can piss without missing anything. - Oh, wow, that's great. - Sorry, I wanna hear your pee if I got excited about us pee. - Oh, it's movie related actually. - When you're seeing someone and they're just fucking tough with it, like you can't find a middle ground on movies. And I'm pretty easy, but she's hit me with like three gay movies in a row and I'm like, I could do one. - Yeah. - I can't do only gay movies. So now, to like, now I don't know what the equivalent is for women, I'm like trying to get revenge with my picks. So I'm picking like, so go all movies. Just to throw it. - I don't even really enjoy these movies. I'm just trying to get back to it with the only way. - For the nation, actually. - Oh, wait, give me your number. I'll watch gay movies all day. - I'll just piss him. - I can do one. I just can't do only gay. - What was talking? Brokeback, call me by your name. - I've seen Brokeback. - No, man. - It was a single man, which I was like, it's a good movie, but I didn't say it. - I know, single man. - What about Stranger by the Lake? - At all. - Don't give her ideas. (laughing) - Dude, no, but if you show her this movie, it's super gay, but it's an amazing, we watch it on our picture. - It's a great, great movie, but it's like, it's like pulling out, coming on the guy gay. - You're watching it like that. - Oh, it's gay. - Have you seen this guy? - 15, we used to go to this mall and white planes. You know, the gallery and mall and white planes. It was like where every kid in Westchester would kind of converge on the weekends. So me and my buddy, Sneaky Pete smoked some Thai sticks. Sneaky Pete and we meet these two girls from the Oscars. And we were 15 years old, and we got, do you guys want to like go see a movie? So we go to the movie theater, and the next movie playing was a film called Cruising with Al Pacino. - Oh my gosh. - So we walk in, and we have no fucking idea what it is. We just know it's Al Pacino. And so we sit. - That sounds like one game. - And then it's about guys in leather, cruising, and fucking each other up to you. And so we watched the first game, see? And me and Sneaky Pete go, we gotta go to the bathroom and we just fuckin' bit. And he's 250 year old girls. He's just sitting alone in a movie theater. - Classic Sneaky Pete. - I love that you're wearing that hat and I'm a friend named Sneaky Pete. - Yeah. - That took us all back. - Yeah. - I'm paid for this movie sounds great. Cruising's a cool word, and it's Pacino. Look, he looks tough. - I thought it was about cars. - It's not the movie theater. - I only know the first nine minutes. - Okay, I got a lot in the theater. - It's flawed, it's sick. - I loved the palma, dude. - Pacino is a couple of gay roles. He was never above it, right? He had a dog after a run, where he was trying to get the one he was referring to. - True. - A cowboy one. Jiglo, that's a Sneaky gay. - Yeah. - Sneaky Pete, type of Sneaky gay. (laughing) - Sneaky, dog gay, the Sneaky gay. Sneaky, ski. - Sneaky. - Sarah and I saw the master in the theater, and there was a bunch, and there was like a family of black people behind us. And then there's a scene where everyone just naked, like full nudity, and their dance around just dicks everywhere, and they all got up there. - No. - Hell no. - No way. - No way. - That would even build as a black family movie. Like, why would they even, I think? - This is long enough a gun that people just went to movies. - Whoa. - I'm looking at somebody's puddle. - Richard Geer, which I think he should have fluffed. I watched that when I was a kid, even I was like, oh, he fucked up. - It looks severed, doesn't it? - Yeah. - Well, it didn't fill the parents' power to you. - Yeah. - You know, really? - It won't think he has a small one. - Oh. - He pulled up Howard. - It wasn't Terence Howard. - Terence Howard? - Yeah. - I'm sure it's better than Geer. - Yeah, what's the biggest shlong shot in a movie? - Anything from any give us more. - All works fake work, fake work. - Oh yeah, the Dixon, any give us something. - Anything give us something. - Oh, wow. - It's rough. - It's rough. - Wow. - Hey, no wonder he's out of movies. - Whoa. - He never worked to get. - Oh my God. - It's hard out of here for a pimp. - It looks like a pugs nose. - Oh, me. - That's rough. - Oh, wow. - It doesn't clear his balls. That's a bad song. - Oh. - Who's that behind you? - He's a grower, you don't know. - He only throws that mouth up just, I mean, it's a lid. - Also do a set up or something. - Yeah. - He's getting it right out of there. - She wins. - Yeah. - He likes. - It's shiny. - It gets lost in the bush. - Yeah, he's a real actor. That's a real actor. - He's a great actor. - I am an actor. - I think God is good at something. - Wow. Holy moly. - Holy moly. - Here we go. - This has gotta be. - No, any given Sunday locker room scene. - Yeah. - Oh, really? - Yep. - That's why I'm giving you ammo to serve. - Oh, very good. - I'm poking in a saltburn. Is that his real dick? - Yeah, I wasn't gonna press. - Somebody's like, he's got a huge hug. I was like, yeah, that's a normal hug. - Well, he's 6/8, so maybe it's like. - Barry Kogan. - Oh, at least it Hulk Kogan. - Oh, no, no. Barry Kogan, I think he's 5/7. - Saltburn penis. - At the end of. - You know, that was a riff around, yeah. - That fucking grave scene was an ad lib. - Oh, really? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I should be impressed by that. - I know, I know. - That was not in the script, and they just kept it. - Have you guys seen Obsession? - Yeah. - No, I like it. - That's fun. - I thought it was really fun. - It's fun. - Yeah, it makes no sense, but it's really fun. - You make it like less than a million dollars. - 750K, and it's broken over 300, right? - Yeah, it's crazy. - Yeah, that's good for people that are trying to make indie films, or you better believe it. - Guys will make it so fun, isn't it? - Right now. - We're trying, we're shooting in October. - So that's not trying. - Amazing. - Let's do it. - Yeah. - What? That's not trying to make a movie. Amazing call sheets are on. - Coming out and stuff. - We're working on it. - We're getting slow down. I've never heard of a Kelsey. (laughing) - Is that that prop bet website, Kelsey? (laughing) - No obsession was fun and funny and scary. That was great. - I enjoyed it. The acting was great. The girl was amazing. - And I appreciate that the director came out and was like this massive plot haul. It doesn't hold up. It doesn't make sense. - Thank God. - It's good, which is good. - It is good 'cause there's a lot of them. - Yeah. - I just saw the new Spielberg movie two nights ago. - The exposure. - I heard it. - I didn't hate it. I thought it was fine. - I hate it. - But think about Spielberg as he's made the greatest alien movies of all time. And then the fucking alien comes out at the end and he's got a skinny body and long fingers and a big fucking oval. Like the same alien as every movie since the 19th. - That sounds like kind of a hot body if you ask me. (laughing) - Pull up the alien? I want to see this guy. - I hated the movie. - I was at the premiere and he spoke and everything, but that's so silly. - A different alien. (laughing) - All right, I'm gonna pull up his feet, too. (laughing) - What kind of dick can I have? - Oh, that guy's got a crazy hug. - Oh, come on. - Sure thing. - But it would never be big enough. - It would never be big enough. - 'Cause he's got a bigger hug. - Yeah. (laughing) - Small, pretty. - Nice, healthy, hetero, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. - What? - Yeah. - What's there? It's a low budget movie. - I know. - You made the deal before, I guess, huh? - She did. - Shit. - And the director responded. And he said, "The people who got money back were the people that risked money up front." - Woo! That's fair. - No, no. - You were a contract. - That's fair. - I think it's fair. - I think it's fair. - Well, is it standard for movie, it's for the art director to get a percentage of the movie? - No, no. - I've never heard of that in my life. - It is a standard thing, yeah. - Yeah, I've never heard of that. - With a limited release, which is proud. SAG After will make a limited release deal with everybody. And I know the actor is in success. Get more money. Like you accept lower than scale because it's low budget, but then it goes up as the movie. - Nicholson did that on Batman and made a fortune. - Yeah. - I think he still gets paid from Batman movies. - Wow. - Crazy. - That's crazy. - He's not dead. - Yeah. - Still very much alive. - Nicholson, he looks rough. - He does. - He looks great. - It's his 80s. - Yeah. - I think he's 90, dude. - Pull it up. - 89, maybe he's up there. - Wow. - Let's take a bit. - I saw that one wrong conversation. He was in as good as it gets. - That's great. - Wow. - Very good. - 89. - Wow. - Really good. I didn't tell him in movie. I've heard of it. I was like, this is fun and different. - Yeah. - The script isn't normal. It's like unique. I was like. - You make me want to be a better man. (laughing) - Nicholson was kind of older when he really broke. - That's true. - That's true. - That's true. - Joe List. - Yes. - We do this thing on this pod called, working on any bits. - Well, we got to go. - All right. - We got to get there up. Well, good comments here. We got any bits anyone? - Well, it's going to be a while. Boy, we didn't get any peeps from everybody else. - We're going to a bit about how the patriot, the name patriot means a lover of America, somebody that defends America. - My theme is try to get out of your Microsoft Word contract. Like I found this, I found this place where you can buy Microsoft. Microsoft Word is a fucking annual fee. - What? - Like $150 a year. - That's true. - Yeah, for a piece of simple fucking software. - I didn't know that. - Yeah. And then I found a place where you can actually buy it. It's like a little glitch. So I bought it. And then I tried to get out of my Microsoft Word. It is impossible. - Oh. - They put you into, you know, big companies, they just put you into a circle of hit one. Hit five. - Right. - Then they get somebody and they give you another number. And you go on the website and ask you for a serial. I don't have the fucking serial number for my-- - All right. - That's my pet peeve. - That's cruel. What's the payment a month? - It's like $15 a month. - Oh, shit. - That's substantial. - I hear something like Sam. (laughter) - I'm trying to clean up subscriptions. I have so many. - They add up. - Yeah. - Bobby, this is a segment of the podcast. Well, that's a bad deal. (laughter) - Bobby Kelly, you know what's the sponsor that goes through all your stuff and take your subscriptions? - Oh, yeah. - Rock it. - Rock it money. Bobby went on. He had 83 subscriptions. - Wow. (laughter) - I don't know. There was anything, 83 things you could subscribe to. - Yeah. - That might not be the exact-- - Yeah. - It was like something in that bullpark. - Wow. - It was like, he's a main character. - He's a main character. - He had 83 subscriptions. - Wow. - Wow. - I don't know. - Yeah. (laughter) (laughter) - Nice. - I'm not working on any bits, Matt. I love you, though. - Are you gonna peeve their-- - I got a peeve. I got a peeve. I'm watching the World Cup, and I hate it when Americans root for other countries. - Oh. - I like it. - I'm talking to them. - You're American. - You're American. - Yes. - You can't root for American in the Olympics, and then it comes to the World Cup. All of a sudden, your friends get out of here. - Here. Who's Stabros rooting for? Greece? - I mean, they're not in it. (laughter) - That's a great one. - What if you're not rooting for America as a country right now? - Doesn't matter. - You're American. - Okay, sorry. - I'm not sticky-peak and get behind America. Get behind Policic. All right, we're gonna do it this way. - No, we're gonna do very good. - If you're not a hockey person, it was so cool and they won hockey. - Of course. - Yeah, you gotta get behind your feet. - The best. - Yeah, yeah. - These fucking Spanish people, you can-- don't clip that up. (laughter) - Wow. - I love it. - This is a pee that can get behind you. (laughter) - Wow. - Madam. - Let's see, yeah. Like, see everybody here on the road. Buy tickets. Any quick website plugs we could do. - Give them some dates here. - Yeah, I can. - I'm with two people. - I just added a Denver date. Please come to Denver. - Cool. - And we just had it in the comedy works on the first day. - Let's go out. - That's the big room. - Okay, great. - Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, Sacramento, we added dates. And then Charleston. - Hell, yeah. - Hell, yeah. - Oh, yeah. And then Raleigh and, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, what am I doing in here? - Good night. - Oh, fucking. - Good club. - Yeah. - Good nights. - And. - A coastal creative. - Yeah, we had a chosen Florida too. So, please, buy tickets. Because I have student loan debt. - Student loan debt. - Oh, Mahani, she's gonna die with it. Yeah. - Jesus Christ. - So, please, buy tickets. Come see me live. It's different jokes than what you saw on the show. - There's a story. - Good for you. - Good for you. - I love you here. - I've heard jokes, but they're different. (laughs) - Yeah. - It's like there's black people and there's inwards. - Yeah. - Whoa. (laughs) - What's up, guys? Come to the shows. - Look at that. Sold out. - Come to the show, guys. - The one that's not something that's Milwaukee improv. So, if you're in Wisconsin, please come. It's the only one that's really tough. - Yeah. - On the line. - You have a. - A comedy nest. - A comedy nest. It's for off-jab. - You gotta talk to your agent. - That's a tough room. - I don't know. - You're selling out everywhere. - You're doing the nest? - I don't know. - It's the object. - They literally hand you out. - Just come to Brookfield, Wisconsin. That's what I need you all for. - I like the footy. Like a Nickelodeon bully. - Yeah. - Let's go, Connie. - Katelyn. - Katelyn responded to comedy nest. Like a bad answer on family feud. - No, no. It's good. (laughs) - Steve Harvey of Badgames. - Sure. - Good one. - I feel bad. You're over time. I'm into coma and Portland, Oregon. Go to a punch up for my stuff. There you go. We're all on a punch up over here. - One punch up. - There you go, Jeff. - Greg? - July 24th. - You getting out there? - I'm out there. - I don't do a lot in the summer because it's just nobody fucking comes out. But I have dates coming up. - Wow. - And you know how they have low-ticket warnings? - Sure. - I have some high-ticket warnings. (laughs) - Oh, this is fun. - A brand new headshot, by the way. - Holy shit, no, that's not right. - Holy shit. - Who took that headshot? Ansel Adams? (laughs) - I think the riddler. - Yeah. - In the old Batman from the 60s. - Wow, you really leaning into this Irish thing. - Holy carol. - Yeah. - It's my seat on the back. - Yeah. - I do a seat pad. - All right. - Yeah. - All right. Take the shit down. (laughs) - My feet are on the next thing. - Which thing is on DOS? (laughs) - Pittsburgh. I'm coming up with Pittsburgh. Cincinnati, Columbus, and a couple dates in L.A. Oxnard, whatever. Go to fitsdog.com/subs there. - Here, here. - Jesus. - I'm in Cleveland in Hilarity. - I'll join you. - There you go. - Inside joke. - Emerald City in Seattle. Was a Tampa, and I'm doing some show in East Hampton. Come on out to that. Make it a weekend out of it. Cubs in San Francisco. - Oh, yeah. - You're sitting improv. A lot of tickets there. - Park party. - Nashville. Come on by Pittsburgh Improv. That's a tough market. And the list goes on. Thank you. What do you got there? - Right now I'm going to add some stuff. But right now we just got Lisbon. - Whoo! - What? - Oh, you're right. - And Brutapest. - Take it very available on Brutapest. Holy shit. - Ooh, dog grab. Vienna. Added a show in Warsaw. And then we had Helsinki's Stockholm in Copenhagen. I'll add some American dates very soon. - Have you been to Poland? - I have not been to Poland. - That's cool. - Oh, yeah, that's cool. - That's amazing. As I heard, you're doing it in the native language. - I am. - This gonna be great. - Two minutes set. - And, no, I'm by some of the day you can't whisk it. We're dig at whisky.com. Great app. Congrats. - Thank you guys. - Thank you guys. - Thanks for letting us crash. I hope it's okay. - Thanks for having me. - Thanks, Ellen. - Blame Mad if you didn't like it. - All right, sneaky bit. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next spender ♪ ♪ A bit of Peveracchi no the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much burden ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fuckin' hope ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's comin' ♪ ♪ And they can send you well as feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪