Byron Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Fidelity broker services LSE member and YSCSFBC. Today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O. The business phone system built so you never miss a call. With Quo, all your calls, texts, and voicemails live in one place. So anyone on your team can jump in, see the conversation history, and help the customer right away. Money's on the line here. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com/random. That's q-u-o.com/random. I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of green in all its forms. Get it? And for fellow lovers of, well, green, the Club Random merch store has you covered, grinders, papers, and zippo lighters, all designed to support your relationship with green, wink, wink, whatever, and whatever philosophy comes with that for you. Head to clubrandom.com and bring home some random. I may have V-A. I did. Okay, that's what I had. Well, you, you, V-A. I probably. Yeah, you absolutely did. I do not want parking spot number two. You were always one chess move ahead of the rest of it. No, no, no. Byron. Byron? Yes. You're so early. I'm so sorry. Early. I'm just on time, buddy. Oh, well, we, our official time is 5.30. Oh, I'm sorry. They told me to get your flight. Well, because you can't materialize at the moment the show starts, we think, well, you don't need makeup. And I don't need hair. Do you ever, do you ever wear makeup on your right comics? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that's the, you don't look made up. Oh, okay. But, you know, I'm, like, don't, like, don't crack. I mean, right? Yeah, but you don't look made up. Well, I'm tart enough, you know, but, but, you know, if you don't put makeup on, what do you look like? Look, I do. What did you come out here? 83. 83. So there you go. 83, 70. I've known you almost 45 years. And that, that's why I love about this show is that, you know, busy people like us, we sort of, we like each other so much, you can tell when we talk, but we never really make a plan to get together, even though I've always wanted to and you've always wanted to, but we have our lives. And this is like, oh, somebody who I know, but I don't really know. Oh, that's fair. And now we're going to, you know, all questions will be answered tonight. Are you having a drink with me? I just took water. I'm good. Oh, because, yeah, wow. Yeah. Did you always, yeah, tea total? Yeah. You've always been such a straight arrow. I mean, how'd you get to be a billionaire? That's just like, everybody is impressed with the billionaire. It's just a number that, that means so much to a society that is, let's be honest, very materialistic. And, you know, I'm a capitalist. That's okay. I know you are too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You don't want all your fortune confiscated. No, of course, so we look, we give a lot already. Yes. And we're happy to. That's right. If it goes to stuff we approve of. That's right. That's right. Yeah, you know, like for me, I've never, I'll just say this, your health is your wealth. Oh, I say as I pour poison into a glass. Exactly what I've always said. Where is my joint? Oh, there between my legs. See, look at that. You can't even keep track of where it is. By my crutch, right? No, I'll keep an eye on it. You'll keep an eye on that. So, yeah, you know, that is your, that's your wealth, man. You're like, just, you could be healthy and make really maintain your mental health, your physical health. It doesn't matter. You can have a fortune. You can lose a fortune. You can do it ten times. You always rebuild it if you have your mental health and your physical health and love. Just have love in your life and have balance. I've lived without love. Yeah, well, I mean, you are a loved person. Yeah. I am swimming in love now. But like, are there, there's, there were time. I mean, but you love, there's something you love. People you love. Animals you love. Yeah. But I'm just saying, like, when I was in college, there were years where there was not a lot of love. Like, I didn't even have friends, a little one. I gave up on girlfriend, I think, sophomore year. And then, yeah, it was brutal. And friends? Cornell was, no, like, like, it was very hard. The first year they put you in the dorm for, which was temporary housing. This is Cornell. Yeah. I have to world war two that was still up in the 70s. So, you know, I just didn't get along with the kids. The kids, you know, they were like, first time away from home. And they were just, I thought very immature. And of course, stupidly, I said something. So then I was ostracized. So, I'd, you know, no. And then after freshman year, you'd be good at a frat, which I didn't want to join. I'm not the frat type. I did not. Yeah. So then you have to get an apartment in Ithaca, New York, in these slums. And they're slums because they, you know, it's like delivering something there. I know it's New York's date, but I'm telling you, it's like middle nowhere. Well, you think it was a town in the rural south, a little, you know, like, townies have been there a long time. And, you know, almost like Appalachia. Is that what you grew up? No, no. Yes, I grew up in Butcher, Holler. I just learned to talk this way. No, I grew up in New Jersey. You go out here, right? Yeah, well, I left Detroit when I was seven. Detroit? So I was the first seven years in Detroit. When you say you left it, seven, meaning you'd already made your first million. Because you always have been a little ad, you know, you were the first guy on the tonight show with the young, young age, you know, you had a tea. I meant, well, I remember 1980, with real real people, 79. Okay. So I'm still in New York. So yeah, okay. That was my first year. Wow. I left Cornell at 78. I'm 65. How old are you? 70. Okay. All right. Yeah. So that was your first year, because I finished high school in 79. And that was my first year at USC. But you were doing things I wanted to do. You were younger. Well, that's because I grew up here and not in New Jersey. Well, no. Actually, the comedy clubs were in New York. It was very convenient for me that I was across the river from catchurizing star, the improv, the comic strip, later on, the comedy seller. Right. Danger Fields. Was he a danger field? But that was not done. That was not a showcase club. Right. You were a headliner. Yeah. But you can get some stage time there, right? I never, I don't remember ever going up at Danger Fields. I remember once going there with a bunch of young comics. DC Jay Leno, who was headlining, which we thought was like, wow. Yeah. No, we were very impressed. And I remember he talked to us with it. He had a pipe at the time. Yeah. I just wanted to his pipe days. I forgot all about that. Do you remember the pipe? Oh, I forgot. Oh, wow. You're going way back. Uncle Jay dispensing wisdom to the young comics. Well, you know, when you set up a junk like that, you know, are you going to? I mean, I think right. Oh, wow. I love that. How'd you do your first time on stage? Well, the first time on stage was in high school. Okay. I mean, talent show? Yeah. Switch was then canceled because of my performance. Are you serious? Not because I was bad. I just stole my jokes from the tonight show. And it was a very risque show at 11, 30 inappropriate for like I would I introduced one that's 16-year-old girl. She does the dance of the virgins, which she performs from memory. This doesn't go over well with the father. Serious? Yeah. That's what I did. That was my material. That's like, who can't? Why would someone be offended by that? Because I'm calling their daughter a whore. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that might hurt someone. It's just, it's just you just don't, this is high school. And it was on the tonight show. I mean, you stole this from the tonight show. Yes. I was 17 in love with the tonight show and Johnny Carson. And it wasn't. And it was risque adult humor at 11, 30 at night. Wow. I never thought a Johnny is doing anything risqué, ever. - Oh, he really? - A Domo Antondras, when the pretty women would come off. - For the era, it was very risqué. I remember as kids, before I even knew who he was, there was this sort of kid kind of story that goes around, there's always something. And one of them was this guy, Johnny Carson, had on Jack Nicholas's wife, the golfer. And said, "Do you do anything to give him luck "before the match?" And she said, "Yeah, sometimes I kiss his balls," or, and Johnny said, "That must make his putter stand up." - That's like kids were telling that. - I remember that. That's risqué, my friend. - Oh, that's risqué. This is when he had the ladies on. He would do the double on. - What do you mean, this 1970? - Yeah, I love that, '60s. I mean, I said, "Socks," one of the women came on and said, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" She had a cat or something. - Exactly the same thing. That's the other one. That's the companion story to that one about the putter. - Well, you have to share that one. - I figured that way exactly. I think it was Ja-ja-ga-bore, some piece of ass of the era and, you know, something about, I don't know, but yeah, that was it. It was like, if something's pet my pussy, I do. I remember it. It's where the God, your honor. That is exact. That was the other story. - Yeah. - So I think something pet my pussy. - Yeah, and there if I was like, the biggest laugh ever. - That may have been when I learned the word pussy. - I think so. For me, I'm five years younger than you. So yeah, I'm sure. - Yeah, I remember when he did that and it was like, wow. - But I didn't even know who he was. This is before I watched the show where it was just, yeah, this was really young. This is, I mean, he went on in '62. I was sixth. I wasn't watching it or interested. I was interested in dirt and the Yankees. But by the time I was 12, you know, in 1968, I was like, oh, I'm starting to like one old girl and wanna know what might a girl like in me. And like, oh, Johnny Carson, he seems like girls like him. And he's funny. I could be, you know, he's like, so he, somebody I don't like. I think it was cool. - Yeah, it was so cool. - Yes. - So cool. - So cool, he was cold. He could be cold as ice. - Oh, yeah. - Well, like freezing people out. - Yeah. - Remember all those stories, the John Ribbers and the, oh, that was brutal. That was brutal. - I mean, if you crossed him. - Oh, yeah. - It was mafia time. - Yeah, he felt he was betrayed in that scenario, you know. He really built up her career and he felt he had been betrayed. And, you know, but he was something. He was, he was great to me. You know, I was so fortunate to know. - He was. - Yeah, me too. - You know, he was so. - He liked comics. - He loved comics. - Yes. - Of course, he's like, he is one. - He's a comic. - It's like a director who's an actor. You know, he got us. - Yeah. - I mean, and when we fucked up even, I fucked up there. And, you know, I did. - Did you? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, yes. - Oh. - I did it because, like, the producer of the show was Freddie DeCordaba. - Peter LaSalle. - Was the associate. - But, Freddie DeCordaba was the main guy. And he was an old school Hollywood, you know, very well-quaffed Beverly Hills shopped at that store, Carol's. - Yeah. (laughs) - You have a great memory. You have a great memory. - You have a great memory. - Are people like that shop? - Yes. - Ready to courtable. - Inpeccable. - Yes. - Inpeccable. - Well, just like, it's kind of very old school. I'm so very expensive and, you know. So, but he was a director. He directed Reagan in bedtime for Bonzo. - That's right. - And maybe a few others. - That's right. - And so, he thought Reagan was his best friend. So, it just, and Reagan, there was an assassination attempt and then, I guess, they cut, like, two minutes out of a six-minute thing. - Sure. - So, they got very mad at me. - Really? - And I think the only one who could have saved my ass at that point was Johnny himself. - Right. - I think it had to go up. I think it-- - You know, when he's young, he's stupid, but, you know, so was I at 27. - He's funny, funny young man. You ever know their chance? - Yeah. - Did you get on after that? - Yeah, there it is. - No, I'm saying. - Yeah. - But, you know, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. - Yeah, look at that. - You know, I mean, we've all seen the road kill of show business. - Oh, yeah. - You know, some talented people and they just, it's got greedy with sort of how big I am before I am. - That's right. - Shit, that's right. - Which is always stupid. - Or they just, you know, you just piss off the wrong person. - Oh, yeah. - Sometimes you didn't mean it or the town ain't rooting for you. - That's true. - They're rooting for themselves. - That's right. - They're right. You're absolutely alone. Yeah, you know, I was really fortunate. You know, in so many respects, you know, my mother got pregnant with me when she was 16, and she had me 17 days after 17th birthday. - Wow. - And my mother's brilliant and beautiful. And I was born in Detroit, Michigan, April 61. And they assassinated Martin Luther King in April of '68. - Right. - And Detroit got lit up like a Christmas tree. - I remember the riot. - And I remember being a kid in the streets. And I was just playing baseball in the middle of the street and using neighbors cars as first base in home play. And my mother and my grandmother start screaming and howling like I've never heard before, like a such pain. And it was they killed them. They killed them. They killed Martin Luther King. And I'll never forget it. And literally, not less than a minute, I was looking down the barrel of a tank. And the military had immediately taken over the neighborhood. And the troops were walking down the street with the bayonets and the dogs and my mother and grandmother screaming, "Get in the house before they shoot you." And you get in the house and you just watch the place on fire like I'm seven years old. - What did it do? - I didn't even know what was going on. - Did you, was having this troops come a relief or? - Oh, it's scary. We felt like-- - We were rather they not. - Oh, we felt the troops were there to kill us, to shoot us, to contain because they knew the riots were breaking out, so they felt like we-- - But you could be a victim of the riot, all right. - Exactly. But they felt like, "Okay, you're the one, you're-- "You'd rather die in the riot from the troops." - Well, I'm just asking, I didn't want to die at all. - I know, but-- - Right, their point was, what they said was, "Get back in the house, here's the curfew. "Do not come outside until we tell you." And especially, "Don't come out after me." - I'm just saying we'll shoot you. - That choice to me is one that should not be political, but everybody makes everything political. I don't think it's a political decision at all. It's like, "Okay, there's two scary things going on here." - The riot. - They're burning it. - And the troops. - And the troops. - And the troops. I don't like-- - I don't like either one of these. - It was bad. - But which one? - It was bad. - I wouldn't know either. - You know, I believe over 50 people were shot and killed by the police and by the troops. It was just a horrible, horrible thing. And so my mom said, "Let's go to LA and visit some relatives." So we came out to LA in summer of '68 and it was supposed to be a two-week vacation. And my mom said to me, "One day, do you want to go back to Detroit?" And I said, "No." And she didn't ask me why. I just said, "No." And the reason I said, "No." I had gone to the movie theaters, movie theater that afternoon. And there was an advertising trailer for a movie, a Disney movie, and they said, "Come into this theater." I wanted to see that movie. I didn't think it was going to be in Detroit. (laughing) I think I stayed in LA because I wanted to see 101 Dalmatians. Whatever that summer movie was. I'm not even sure. - That's what it says on the poster right here. (laughing) - LA, something is your city is rioting. Stay here because the movie is only here. The movie is only here. So we end up staying. It was a lot of lean years sleeping on floors and sofas and friends and neighbors letting us sleep in spirit. She's a young girl with a baby. She's 23, 4, 24 years old at this point, but she ended up getting into UCLA and she ended up getting her master's. - So she was going to school while she was working? - Yeah, exactly. She ended up going to UCLA and getting her master's degree in cinema TV production. And she, after she got her master's degree and she used to take me to class with her, which I remember vividly. She took me to a class that was taught by Peter Goober. And I remember sitting there listening to him talk about making movies and so forth and so on. - Big producer. - Big producer. - His partner was John Peters. - And he ended up running Warner Brothers and Sony. - Yeah. - He just wanted a Batman, one of the biggest love there. And so when she got her master's degree and you'll love this, when she got her master's degree, she went looking for jobs and she couldn't get one, a lot of doors slammed in her face and she went to NBC one day, asked for a job. They said, "We don't have one." She said, "Do you have an intern program where I can work here for free to show you my passion for this business?" And they said, "No, we do not." And she asked a question that changed our lives forever. She said, "Will you please start one with me?" And they said, "Yes." And that question changed our lives forever. And she could not have. of Ford, childcare. And so I-- True, most people would just stop there. Would just stop. She went the-- That's right. And that is the difference between humans. Why, you know, I mean, you can complain about meritocracy, but some people just get the answer right and some don't. That's right. Some people think a little one step past where most people stop, some don't. Some go down in the mind and come out with the gold. That's right. Some just get dusty. That's right. That's exactly right. I mean, she went the extra mile. She must be in orderly proud where you got, because like, wow, that really exceeds-- We worked together to this day. And so-- Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm blessed. What do you mean, worked together? She's one of my producing partners. She's exact producer on everything that I have on. And we'll always be. And so she could not have-- That's a unique business. You don't see that in a lot of boardrooms, where the guy and his mom-- That's right. You don't see that. You just make your own rules. And you never fight about what we have our debates. But we don't fight. But does she pull rank because she's your mother on a business decision? That's the key question. No. Answer it. No. No, she doesn't. She doesn't? She has faith in me. She will say, I don't-- But if she disagrees, she's not going to pull rank. She's not going to be like-- This is-- No. Well, mom, it's like, I'm 65 at this point. Mom, this is why I lay it out. And she goes, I get-- And she'll say-- If I were her, that's what I would do. I'd be like, I'm just going to say this one thing. That last month that you were inside of me, it just was a lot. I mean, at that point, the baby's very heavy. Gas, I was just shooting my pants. I mean, I was eating like a pig. I felt awful. But-- And this is the answer you give me. But you do what you want with the BET network, OK? Yeah, you know, it's a lot. I guess I just cannot help but figure that scenario. She hasn't played that card, but I'm sure she will one day. But, you know, when she-- when I couldn't-- when she couldn't afford childcare, she would take me to work with her. So I would go to work. I would go out to NBC after school and on the weekends and during the summer. And so that is when I met Johnny Carson. I was 14 years old. And I met him and I thought, wow, this is the greatest guy ever. And I'm sitting there waiting for my mom to get off work. And I would go across the hall and I would watch Red Fox tape, San Francisco. Oh, right. I would watch Freddy Prince tape cheek on the man. Oh, I can picture that hall. Yeah, and I would go down the hall and I would watch, you know, Flip Wilson do the Flip Wilson show. And I'm watching Bob Hope do his specials. And then Johnny Carson would tape his show from 5'30" like clockwork. Yeah, I know. Like clockwork. Yeah, like 30 times. Right, exactly. And so I would sit there in this park in the parking lot. And I was a kid. And I would wait for Johnny to pull in. And I, you could set a watch to a clock. He would, his car would turn on to the lot, to a clock, like clockwork. He would pull into his parking space, space number one. Get out of the, get out of his car, whatever it is, at the time, a white Corvette. And he would get out of his car with a brown paper bag lunch. Yeah, yeah. Right? It looked like he had a baloney, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in it. From Nebraska. It's from Nebraska. And he would float into the studio. And he would go upstairs, work on his monologue, come downstairs, shortly before 5'30. And I watched him just religiously. And I watched him. He would come downstairs a few minutes before 5'30, right behind the corner, done, done, done, done. Hit the monologue. You hit the mark, do the monologue. And I loved how he didn't let a cue car boy hold his cue cards. He would take his cue cards. And he would put him on a board. And the board would go the length of the studio. So no one ever flipped the cards for him. Right. Yeah, they never flipped. Oh, it was unbelievable. So what he would do is that way he could stand there and he could edit the jokes, right? Joke one's great. Joke two. I know the feeling. You know the thing. With the teleprompter. I mean, on my show, by the time I put it in the teleprompter after working on it, it is exactly what I want. But there have been times when a teleprompter, you know, the prompter guy can't, he's not a psychic. He doesn't know if I, you know, I would, Jesus, I'd love to skip that next sentence, but I can't. There you go. And so I read it. You're not going to move the teleprompter. So Johnny created the system where he put him on a board that ran the length of the studio. And if you watch his monologue and I know you've watched it a billion times, he will veer to the left because you read left to right, he would notice that this is so interesting. He would veer to the left at the beginning of the monologue and by the end of the monologue, he was veering to the right. Oh, I got it. I got it. Now you'll watch it and you'll see he was just reading left to right and his body was gradually turned and he's editing the jokes as he's doing it and it was brilliant. You may even find photos where you see the cue card in the studio and it's on the board and it's going from left to right. So I would watch him and he would be done clockwork at 6.30. He'd go upstairs, get off his makeup, whatever it was and he would walk down to his car about 6.45 and Freddie DeCorte of a imperialist Sally would walk with him and he would give his feedback. You know, I don't like the material that Bill Maher did. What was that kid thinking and give him another shot and then he was off the lot by 7 o'clock. Right. And this studio that had hundreds and hundreds of people in there, crew, audience, completely empty by 705 and I used to go and sit behind his desk. Come on. Oh, yeah. They let you? No one was in the studio. It was just me and a janitor and the janitor would be cleaning up, polishing the floors for the next night and they knew me because I'm hanging out during the day. Got what you wanted to do that job. Oh, yeah. And it's not the janitor job, but yeah, I wanted to do the Johnny Johnny and I sat there and I would just and I would read him. I would stand on the time slot and I have that time and I sat I would sit in an interesting full circle and that's something and I would stand on his time here on his on that star. Tell people what do you when I'm talking about. Oh, I'll tell him. No, but I mean, you have that time slot now. Yeah. I've been chasing it for 51 years since I 51 years you've been chasing, I've been chasing it for. Oh, never predicted how it how it would happen. You know, I've been learning about healthy eating. It's rarely a discipline problem. It's a timing problem because at 6.30 at night, after a long day, you're standing in front of the refrigerator and looking at the ingredients for a healthy meal, thinking, yeah, sure, or I could just eat something terrible in the next four minutes. That is the battle and that's what factor is here to change. The meals are already prepared, designed by dieticians, crafted by chefs and delivered right to your door. What's impressive is the variety, more than 100 rotating meals every week and enough options that you don't feel like you're trapped in some endless cycle of chicken and chicken. The ingredients are actually great. Lean proteins, vegetables, healthy fats, whole foods, no artificial colors, no high-fructose corn syrup. None of the stuff that sounds like it was invented during a laboratory accident. Head to factor meals dot com slash random 50 off and use code random 50 off to get 50 percent off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27th, 2026. Experience a membership that backs your business journey with American Express Business Platinum. When you pay with membership rewards points for all are part of an eligible flight, booked with a qualifying airline through MX Travel, you can get 35 percent of those points back, up to 1 million points back per calendar year. American Express Business Platinum. There's nothing like it. Terms apply. Learn more at americanexpress.com/business-platinum. I've been chasing when I saw Johnny and I saw him in summer of 75 and I was like, oh no, this is what I'm going to do. I was 14 years old and I just loved everything about him and I just loved how, and he was so smart the way he managed that show. And he was off the lot and I would just go and I would sit there and I would stand on his mark and I read his monologue and I would just always read it, read it, read it, read it, perform it. And I just thought he was just the greatest. And I started doing, and I went and did, you know, Gladys Knight and the Pips had a summer show and I knocked on the, they had a comedian on, this is summer of 75 and they had a comedian on and I went on, knocked on his door and I said, sir, sorry to bother you, I want to learn how to be a comedian, what should I do? And he said you should go to the comedy store. And I thought, okay, maybe I need to go there and buy jokes. I didn't know. It's the comedy store. You go buy gigs and you go buy a bike, you know, a slip and fall, you buy a, I don't know - It's a sterile and hey, it's called a store. - It's called a store, right? And I said, okay, thank you, sir, the comedy store. I'm gonna go to the comedy store and I'm, - I mean magic shops, right? - You literally go and buy your act. - You go buy your act and I'm not doing it. - Right, comics hate fucking magicians. - Hello, so you go, and I'm thinking of myself, okay, I'll go to this comedy store and go buy some material, whatever. And so, and I said, by the way, sir, what's the name of that show you're gonna do again in the fall? He said, welcome back, Carter, and it was Gabe Kaplan. - Gabe Kaplan. - Right, so he had just done the Gladys Night in the Pip Summers show and he was doing his routine about his high school and then that's a big sitcom. It was gonna be a sitcom, that fall. So I call the comedy store and this is summer of '75 Bill. You'll love this. I call him up and I say, so this is a comedy store. Yeah, I'm just curious, how much do you sell jokes for? Like, well, this is joke. (laughing) And I'm like, okay, and then like, you have like, like prop comedy, and the guy, thank God, he was the nicest guy because he could have easily blown me off. He says to me, he goes, no, no, no, no, he goes. The comedy store is a comedy club. It is not a supermarket where you buy jokes. And I go, oh, he goes. - A place where you steal jokes. - It's where you steal jokes. And he said, I say, well, I would like to be a comedian, sir. And he says, okay, then you wanna come to Monday night, try out night, potluck night. And I say, oh yeah, that's what I wanna do. I wanna come try out. He says, okay, the doors open at seven. And we get a lot of people who wanna be a comedian. So they start showing up. So do yourself a favor, get here early. I said, no problem, sir. I'll be there early. I'm 14. I take the bus to the comedy store and I get there nine in the morning. I'm the first one there. (laughing) I'm trying to make it. I'm like, I think I'm in the right spot. - Yeah, it's funny, 'cause I was gonna ask you. Like, how is, you know, we all started as comics. How does this one become this mogul? This billionaire mogul alone, this and this. And, you know, it's buying this and gonna buy this. And I see now what it is. I mean, it's this. It's like asking the extra question. It's showing up at nine in the morning. It's just, it's just, you know, just, some people just have that sort of, no, it doesn't ever enter their head that they're not going to succeed or get where they're going. - That's true. That's not me. (laughing) Every step of the way, I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, is this it? Or, you know, I mean, it's, I don't have that. - Really? - Yeah. - I'm surprised you heard that. - I mean, at this, at 70, it's different because now I've done everything I ever wanted to do. So now I'm playing with the house money. - That's right. - Yeah, I mean, if it all ends tomorrow, well, you know, it was a good ride, people are basically retired at this point anyway, but I don't want to retire. And nobody who was my fan wants me to. And then stuff, and things are fine. I don't feel any fucking different, really. Or quite frankly, act different. That may be a good or bad thing. Then when I was 40, you know, I'm not married. I don't have kids. I still drink and smoke pot and blah, blah, blah. You know, it's like, when my life changes, maybe the show or my career will change, but until it does. - Until your life. - I mean, yeah, and it's just those most surprising thing I learned about getting to 70 is how much everyone else lied about it or presented a picture of it that did not turn out to be true. I thought I'd be using a walker. - Oh, wow. - You know, just the way people are. - Yeah. - And I mean, I used to play basketball in the driveway, you know, the Peedstree basket on the tree with my father. And he was like 50 and he'd throw up one. Everything heard and you know, people back then, they didn't work out. They didn't stretch. They wouldn't, my father never stretched a day in his life. - That's right. - It just wasn't. - That's right. - You know, he was in the army. He was in World War II. We don't stretch. We're made of different material, I don't know. Now, you have many, many, many years to go, my friend, and you don't know that. - Well, we don't know that. - Well, we certainly hope so. - And we hope. - Yeah, and you're living the life you want to live, which is so key. But I remember, I remember that going there, the comedy store, and the door's finally, and I just sat there on the curb and I'm just writing jokes, and the door's finally open, and Mitzie Shore. God bless her so. She was signing people in. Mitzie, and I remember walking out. - Oh, Mitzie. - And I remember walking and she was looking down. She never looked up. And she was looking down. What's your name? What's your name? And I said, "Byron." And she looked up, she goes, "How old are you?" I said, "14, ma'am." She says, "You are not old enough to be in this club. You have to leave immediately. I'm gonna lose my liquor license." - Oh, wow. - And I said, "Oh, wow, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that, right?" And so I turn around, I start to leave. I get almost all the way to the door. And she goes, "Wait, wait, wait." She goes, "Come back." She goes, "I'm gonna give you a drink ticket." And she says, "Don't you dare buy any alcohol with the use it for alcohol." I said, "No problem, ma'am. I don't drink alcohol." It says, "Day, I still don't drink alcohol." - Sure you don't. - And so she. - She. - Like, "Gouperson Gallant" over here. (laughing) - It's true. - And she goes, "You standing in the parking lot, "I have someone come and get you and I'm ready." And I think she put me up second or third. And they only had like four people. - So she was willing to risk her liquor life. - She said, "I'm not at risk if you are not in the club. If you're performing in the club, that's fine." - Oh. - Right? So you have to be in the parking lot. So I just stand in the parking lot. - I'm gonna clever out. - A clever out. So I'm standing, thank God she thought of it in that moment. Thank you, Missy. And she said, you know. - What was your material like at 14? - I had written a spec script for Sanford and Son, Red Fox. - At 14? - At 14. And a guy named David Panich, who was a writer on the show, read the script. And he said, "How do you?" That's what I'm 14. He goes, "I can't believe you wrote this script." He goes, "This is amazing." He said, "You must keep writing." And he said, "Kid, you have it." He was a writer for Laughin and for Sanford and Son. So I submitted the script, they turned it down. And I took the jokes that I had in the script. And I went and did an impression of Red Fox, Sanford is on stage. 200 chairs and four people. And I got a couple of chuckles in my five minutes. And Missy said, "You can come back." - Wow. - And this guy came up to me, Wayne Klein. And Wayne Klein comes up to me, goes, "Who wrote those jokes?" I said, "I did, sir." And he said, "They were funny." And I said, "Thank you very much." He goes, "Can I get your phone number?" I know somebody that may want to write with you. I said, "Sure." So I give him my phone number. And a week or two later, I get a call. And this guy goes, "Can I speak to Byron?" I go, "This is Byron." He goes, "This is Jimmy J.J. Walker, kid dynamite." - Of course. - Summer of '75, he's the number one hottest comic on the planet, "Good Times." - Good Times. - Yep, he's hot in the hot. He says, "My man, Wayne Klein says you're funny." And if my man, Wayne Klein says you're funny, then you must be funny. He goes, "I'm sitting in a writer's meeting right now. Would you like to come and write with me and my boys?" And I said, "Let me ask my mom." And so he goes, "Oh my God, Wayne." He has to ask his mom. And he's sitting in his home, in his apartment. And I hear all these guys moaning and groaning and one of them in the background says, "Tell his mother not to worry. We will have cookies and milk for him." And Jimmy goes, "Day, be nice." You're gonna scare the kid, just be nice. And I'm thinking of myself, "Who's this Joker day?" So my mom says, "Okay, you can go and she takes me over here and drops me off." I walk into Jimmy's apartment the following week 'cause he says he has writer's meetings every Tuesday and Thursday at 7.30. So I walk in and sitting in his apartment, Jimmy Walker, Jay Oleno sleeping in his car. David Letterman, that was Dave, who had just come out from Indianapolis in a red pickup truck. - Yeah, that's that era. - Yeah, and Marty Knattler, who went on to write and produce Laverne Shirley in Happy Days, Wayne Klein, Jeff Stein, who went on to do Mr. Belvedere. These guys, I got 25 bucks a joke. Jay Oleno and David Letterman got paid 200 a week. David just driven out from Indianapolis and he was in his orange or red pickup truck. He didn't think he was gonna make it. So he wanted to be able to get back in his car and drive home back to Indianapolis. He actually said, "I think I screwed up. I had this unbelievable gig as the weatherman in Indianapolis." And I blew it, I quit this job and now I'm sitting here and I remember one day picking David Letterman up to go write jokes together. And he lived in basically like a closet across the street from the comedy store. The bed, he opened the door. He could barely open the door because the bed was blocking it. The bed took up the entire room and all he had was his little, Right. - I had the exact same situation when I first moved in there. - I was in the maids room of an apartment and the bed came out of the wall. And when the bed was down. - Couldn't open the door. - You could open the door, but you had to be very skinny to get to the other, it was a closet. - It was a closet. - It was a closet with a bed in the wall. - That's right. And then on the dresser, he had a hot plate and like tons of Campbell soup cans. And I'm like, this is a fire trap 'cause he had newspapers all over the bed. So I'm like, oh, let's get out, let's go right. And these guys were getting 200 a week. I got 25 bucks a joke. I was thrilled because up until that point, I, my only job at that point was I delivered newspapers. I was a paper boy. And I had-- - So much better than being a NEPO baby. I see so much in the media and TV. I mean, NEPO babies are just, first of all, there's more of them than ever. And they kind of have a NEPO pride, you know that's one thing to be like, okay, you know, with NEPO. Yeah, NEPO, you know, they're like not a shame. They shouldn't be a shame, but you could be responsible for the idea that, you know, yes, things are a little easier for you. But they will never have what we have with these kind of memories. - They just, you just don't. And if you don't, you're never gonna like it as much as we like what we have. - You're just not. - Yeah, the journey's amazing. - The shitty part, which at the time was so shitty if you said to me that, you know, could, would you like to skip this part? You won't have the memory of it later in life. I'd be like, oh, fine, let's just skip it. I don't need the memory. But having had it, I love the memory. I love the memory, it makes everything sweeter. - That's right. - And you look back on that and you go, wow, and everything you live, you can bring it forward. It will play a part of your life. You will use it. You will put it to use. I enjoyed it. I mean, when I was a paper boy, I was getting half a penny of paper. Los Angeles Herald Exam. Out of business. I had to throw two newspapers to make a penny. - I had to throw two. - Come on. - It's true. I had to throw two hundred newspapers to make a dollar. - This is like the fees for like after, what was it after the Civil War? - Yeah. - When blacks were technically free, but they were, what do they call them? - Indentuous servants, yeah. - Well, stuff, stuff. - I can't remember the agricultural version of that. - Exactly. - And there was like, you know, a penny for a pound of paper. - Exactly. - It's just some half a penny for a newspaper delivered. - And by the way, you had to get it right on the ladies porch or you would get, they would call your supervisor. So, when I got that check for 25 bucks, I didn't know what that, I mean, I went to my mom and I said, Jimmy gave me a check one day after the writer's meeting. And he said, here's, you know, 25 for the joke you, it was in an envelope. And I opened it up and go, what is this? He goes, that's for the joke you sold me. And I go, oh, and I didn't say anything. I went home and I said, she goes, how did the writer's meeting go? I said, well, I pitched the number of jokes that they like. And I said, he gave me this and I go, what is this? She said, it's a check. I go, what am I supposed to do with this? She said, you're going to go to the bank and you're going to cash it, I'm 14. You're going to cash it. - No, I can't. - And they're going to give you $25. And I said, well, that's okay, I'm not going to cash it. And she goes, why not? I said, because this check says I can make it in this business. And I can't believe somebody would give me $25 for something I would do for free. - What a dick, I had a cash dick. Jesus Christ, who the fuck are you? Is there a ridiculous fucking story I've ever heard? I hope that's not true. Well, I hope that's a bullshit story. - I ended up cashing the check. - Exactly, see, I'm always right. It's a burden, but it's true. What am I going to do? - My mother said, you need the money, cash the check. So I go, she said, cash the check, and ask Jimmy to get the check back 'cause it's going to come to him in a couple of months. - Jimmy. - Jimmy Walker, that's who gave me the, yeah. So I cash the check. - Diamond light. - Diamond light, I get the $25 and Jimmy, I said to him, cash, I said, hey, when you get the check back, can I get it back and be great? I like to frame it. And he said, sure, and he was kind of like, I thought maybe he was half listening. Sure enough, month or two later he hands me the check and I framed it and I had him on my show recently and I said, you know, I don't know if you remember this, but this is a joke you gave me probably almost 50 years ago. And I hang it in my office because every day, this reminds me, I'm doing what I love and this was the moment I knew I could make it in this business when you paid me 25 bucks. That was to be a writer and then one night, I was at the improv and Bud Freeman came up to me and he says, what are you doing near Z? And I'm like, well, I'm 17, I'm gonna be at home. He goes, would you like to perform? And I said, sure, it'd be great. So I performed and then a couple of months later, he walked up and he hand me a check and I looked at it, I was 25 bucks, I go, what is this for? Now this is when comedians, they didn't pay us. The comedy story and the entire-- - I remember the whole strike. - Yeah, they didn't pay us. And so I said, what is this for? He goes, I pay comedians to perform, New Year's Eve. Now I have performed there for three or four years for free and I was prepared to work for free for many, many years and he handed me that check and those are the two checks I keep hanging on my wall, one for writing, for 25 and one for performing and both of them wrote a nice note, Bud Freeman and Jimmy Walker. So that was a good turning point for me but I remember Jay and Dave and really good friends and Jimmy was trying to convince us all, except for Jay Leno. He was like, you guys don't want to be comedians, be writers. And for a minute, David Lennonman really kind of focused on that writing part of his life. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, but what's unique, what's interesting to me is that like you're playing this, you know, the game on this level that most people I talk, I mean, actually me, I do talk to people who play this game on this level but they're not usually comedians, you know, where you're like, oh, you know, you're bidding on Paramount. - Oh, yeah. - You know, or what are you bidding on now? Snapchats, they're very big, you know, this is very, it's a poker game I'm not in and I don't even want to be in. I be scary, I think too much money's a little scary. - Right. - I do. And I have a man of simple means. - Yes. - I have one house, one car, one plane, simple. (laughing) - I like that, one plane. (laughing) - I love that. - None of that is even true. - None of that. - Except one car. - One car, one house, or two houses. - I've never been a car guy, are you? - No. - No, no, which is odd. - What do you drive? - I have a Mercedes SUV and my wife has the same one and then we have a family assistant that has one and is to get the cars around, we have the same one. I just am not a car guy, it's really odd because my job worked at Ford Motor Company and my granddaddy worked at Great Lakes Steel. My entire neighborhood put on a uniform and went to an automotive factory or someone who made parts for the automotive. - Now, people either do or down, I mean, like Leno and Seinfeld. You know, I'd, you know, Tim Owl and I think, I mean, they love cars. - They're cars, they're cars. - When people are car guys, I mean, it's a-- - And they have great collections. - They say it's, you know, it's not gay, but it's gay for cars. (laughing) It's very impressive. - When you look at their car collections, it's, and I love it, you know, everybody has their passion, you know, their passion is-- - Do you think everybody? - I think most people have some type of passion, they like to collect or listen to or do. - I think a lot, nowadays, I think a lot of people's passion is just to get to some place. - Right. - Like without sort of like doing what you have to do to get there. - Right. - They just wanna be a Kardashian. (laughing) - You know, they're kind of like the heroes of this era in our life because they became royalty from, you know, social media. - Yeah, I mean, literally a blowjob tape. (laughing) - Social media, and it's just transports throughout the world quickly. - And I always say when people ask me about them, the nicest people in the world. The only-- - The Kardashians. - Yes, the only. - All of them, I think they're great. - The only issue they would ever have is the origin story. The origin story is a little suspect. It would be like if Spider-Man became Spider-Man, because he blew a spider. (laughing) - You know what? I knew they're dead. So, you know, his dad, 'cause I went to USC. And his dad was a big, you know, dad was a big USC and he was the nicest guy. And he was just a good guy. And I like Chris. I think Chris has done an amazing-- - Yeah, she was here, I like her. - Yeah, well, she has done an amazing job. I mean, when you look at what's been built there. - It's a fortress, that family. It's like CAA, you know, it's like, It's like a machine. a shark-like machine that just runs and, you know, one show goes down and then there comes up and it's like, it is a never-ending money-making juggernaut. It's, she's done a magnificent job. I think Harvard should slow down now a little, they made there for, I mean, they're billionaires too. I think Harvard should teach a business class on what they built and branding. What do you think of the crowd that you hang with? I mean, I'm not saying necessarily like deliberately, like, well, I'm sure you have your people who you, like, let's have dinner. But, you know, just the thing I see you out, I see you sometimes at the Laker, you're always at the Laker. You'll have fluoreses. Well, I don't own them permanently, but, yes, but who do you see me with when you see me at the Laker game? I don't know who are you with. My wife and my kids. Yeah, well, I'm not suggesting you're, we're hanging out with Nick Fuente's. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm always with my wife and kids. Okay, but I'm saying, just the crowd, like, the, the, you know, we're fortunate enough that we hang out with the very fancy people, that's what we say, of Los Angeles, which is, you know, like it or not, I'm sure New York would argue, but kind of the cultural capital. I mean, we make the entertainment and everybody lives out here and I mean, New York is New York. It's awesome. And you know, the greatest in the world, please don't look with me on this. If you love it, you love it. I live there. I have roots. I love it. I don't want to live there. But I love it, you know, but I love LA. I do. Yeah. And I know you do too. Oh, yeah. And I left it. I left Detroit when I was seven, and I've been here since '68. I couldn't imagine living in any place else. I can't either. And so many people come to the same conclusion. And a lot of it is just the climate. It's such a big thing that people pretend, or there are people, Woody Allen was here, somebody else was here recently saying the same thing I can't remember. Who? That they like gray days. There are people who like gray days. I don't bless them. God bless them. But it's a weird thing. It is. It's as weird as a lot of other psychological things people can have because we are solar creatures and the sun is so basic. I mean, yeah. Because I wake up, you know, first of all, you should get sun right when you wake up in your eye. Yes. That's science. That's right. It's just very healthy. That's right. And, yeah, I love it here. I love the climate. I love it. I like the suburbs. I never liked living in a, you know, urban setting in a building. I don't want to live in a building. I agree. Right. I agree. I agree. Again, it's, it's, I'm not saying your weirdos or anything like that. I'm just saying there's something about not wanting to be okay with people right on the other side of a wall and I'm not saying it's even in a nice building. Yes. I'm just aware. Yes. That I'm sitting here and right over there is another guy who I don't know or want it. And this thing between us, but and you hear them quite often and in a cheap place you do. Yeah. Even in nice places. Even in nice places. Even in nice. You think? Oh, I know. I know. I know. I had a very nice condo and one of the most expensive buildings in New York and I heard the neighbors. They must have been not loud. They must have been really loud. Oh, yeah. Doing what? Fucking or fighting. They were the former. Yeah. You heard them fucking. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That can be kind of hot. Rich people having sex. I should have made that a podcast. Did you know who it was? Did you know? Yeah, they're your neighbors. You see them in all way. Oh, so you could picture them doing it? Why didn't do that? But you could. Oh, come on. You heard them and didn't picture them. You expect me to believe that? I would. I'd actually picture. I thought. Are they attractive? Fairly. Fairly. Yeah. Well, that isn't a ringing endorsement. It's like getting a boulder. I said, "Fairly, what's wrong with you?" Oh, we're talking to our penis now, OK? You know, you spend a lot of money getting customers to call you. Advertising, referrals, word of mouth, marketing. 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And man, did they run out of those? - They agreed about what? - They agreed about not wanting to be in buildings with other people. - Oh, right. - Yeah, they ran to ask them. - Right. - They ran to the hampton. - And the hampton, any place they could get space? - You know, that's one of my big bugabooes about COVID and the people who attack me about COVID is that the bullshit of every time I turn on the TV, it was some version of, we're all in it together. No, we're not, you fucking assholes. You fucking posers. Half of us are getting food delivered by the other half. And you're the half that's sitting home in your pajamas and talking about how much we're all in it together. No, you're going out to the hampton. You got, you're going to, yeah. - Yes, I know you're, I know you're putting out Instagram, political messages about it, and that's awesome. But basically, you're the one who's insulated from, if we're really all in it together, I got an idea. How about we check turns about who's working for GrubHub? - Ah, you know this. - If we're really all in it together, maybe that should be something that has to get passed around. So some of us are delivering, some of the time, and some of us are delivering all at the time, and some of us in our pajamas all the time. - Oh yeah. - You know, I have something I want to share with you about Johnny that you, I think you'll appreciate, 'cause I know how much you love him. You know, when I went to go, I had a once a week, one hour show, called The Byron Allen Show. - Yeah, I know. - And it was once a week, and it was on Saturdays, 11, 30, blah, blah, blah. - What year are we talking now? - 18, 89, about 88, 89. - Okay, so real people's 80. - Eight real people's 79 to 84, and then, and this was 89 or so, late, late, 80s. - Did you keep up with Skip Stevens? - I loved Skip, unfortunately he passed away. - He did. - He had a harder time, he was great. He was so, he was just a really good guy. He was a comedian, he just loved comedy, loved, remembered, every show he ever heard. That was the thing that blew me away. - But just his look in his name. - Skip Stevens. - He would have to literally be named White Guy. (laughing) - I've never thought about that. That's hilarious. - For real. - Skip Stevens, yeah, that's hilarious. - With the look, and the hair, and the blonde, and the brass, and the, Skip Stevens, he was great. - I was great. - It's just, I always thought like, okay, you were on there, this is 1980. It was very different, racially, in '90s. - '79, '80s. - Were they saying like, okay, we've hired a black guy. We need to hire now. (laughing) The whitest motherfucker that God ever put on this greener. Looking at it, got too, looking at pictures. No, Biff willing to know. (laughing) Skip Stevens and that's, he's it. You know, how the end of that show, you know, I ended up, I called a member, you were a member, Jim McCauley. - Of course. - He was the boy. booker of comedians for the Tonight Show. So in our world, he was like. - The comedy god. - He was, yes. If you were the kind of person who blew people, you'd want to blow him. - He was. - Didn't cross my mind, but. - Yeah, nor mine. But he, I called him up one day. And I said, "Mr. McColley, you know, I would like to be on the Tonight Show one day." - You are too. - Well, didn't you call him? Of course you did. - You didn't call him? - No, no, no. It's just a derrickal. - It's like, call him up. And I said, "I like to be on. " - And you were what? Eight? - I was 17. - 17. - And I said, "I like to be on the show one day." And I just would love for you to take a look at my material and where I'm going with it. And just make sure you think I'm on a track where, you know, Mr. Carson would appreciate it. And he said, "Okay, when you're going to be next, I said, "I'll be at the improv tomorrow night." He says, "I'll stop by." Okay. And the club, Wednesday night, improv. 20 people there, whatever. You know, it's a Wednesday night at that point. And he shows up. And I did my act. And I said, "Thank you for coming, Mr. McCall, "you really appreciate it." He calls me a week later. And he says, "I want you to do the show." What? Well, I said, "I'm sorry, sir. "I really appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass." And my mom goes, "What was that all about?" And I said, "Mom, I'm not, you know, "trying to do the tonight show and one and done. "This is a marathon, not a sprint. "When I do the show, I hope that I'm going to get offers. "And when I get offers, I want to be able to accept them. "I'm in high school. "I can't accept one offer." This is what you said? This is what I said to my mother. This is what I said. In the movie version, I feel like it's someone who's much older having to say this to you. I personally was not of this majority level at 17, but you're gallant and I'm goofy. No, no, no, no. I mean, you're centeredness at such a young age is really amazing. No, it's thank you. And my mom said, "Okay, I understand." So Johnny introduces me on the tonight. I turn 18. Yeah, I turn 18. It's about a week before I graduate from high school. And I'm like, "Okay, this is great. "I know I'm going to get out of high school. "I'm going to get into USC film school. "And I'm going to be able to play comedy clubs in the summer. "Make money, pay my tuition, and I'm off my mom's payroll. "And I'm no longer a financial burden to my mother. "This is my A number one goal." So Johnny says, "We offered Byron the tonight's show." And he was 17. He turned it down because he had her homework. That is how Johnny introduced me. That's awesome. So I go, and I'm backstage. And I'm standing. You'll love this story. I'm backstage. I'm standing behind the curtain. And I'm joking with Gene Gene, the dancing machine, and Irv. Jokey. Behind that curtain. I remember standing there. And I could wear the bands playing. Yeah. You were joking. I was shitting my pants. I was having fun. Because I had grown up there. Now remember, I have been on that studio lot for four years since I was 14 years old. It was really-- And you sat in the chair in episode two. And I sat in all this chair. I sat like that. Right. That studio was an extension of my bedroom. It was an extension of my apartment. Because I'm waiting for my mom to get off work. So I'm at home. So in that studio. And I'm having fun with Irv and Gene Gene. And my back is to the curtains. And they stop kind of joking and smiling. They stop smiling and just kind of get serious. And they go, clear their throats and like, signaling to turn around. And I turn around and it's Shiny Carson. And he says, don't worry kids, you're going to be great. Wow. And when he said that to me, I thought, wow, this is my hero. I can make shares laugh. Faster didn't do it to me. But he loved you. He loved you. He would not have let me get on with two minutes of this. Because you were a child star. It was a novelty act. They were claiming credit for it. I was 18. I was a kid star. It's a little above. I'm sure they would have done it if they didn't think you could score. Because one thing they didn't like at that show, failure. Oh boy. I mean, Johnny was a tough task man. Let me tell you. I mean, you know, first of all, we keep talking about him. And if people were younger, first of all, they may be bored. I'm too bad. We love him. He was an important guy in job business. But it's important to know if you even are interested at a younger age. Things were just so different beginning with people had a much longer attention span. Oh yes. This is pre-phone. That's right. So conversations could breathe. That's right. You know, things could happen at a much slower pace. I get it. Things change. Technology, brains, whatever. I'm not fighting it even though I may lament it. I don't think it's better, but okay. But it just was different. Johnny could not survive today. That's right. As himself. No, no. He was right for his era. Perfectly right for his era. And I remember, McCauley would go over every word of your material, which is why I'm surprised. You had that setback there. I'm surprised too, but maybe I, you know, I may have. The GVA? I did. Well, you deviated. I probably. Yeah, you did. Absolutely. I guess I did. Yeah, you did. And then now, you know, it was my, it was my sixth one. Yes. And I guess I thought after five lights. Yeah. Okay. Now the king. He loves you. He could take his court here at the tonight's show and just riff. Yeah. Yeah. Reagan getting shot. Oh boy. And so, and then here. And now, Jim McCauley, poor guy, he's walking around in the dope diapers. Yeah. Because you just, because that can end his career. Exactly. And he's like, since he would go over every word, every nuance. No. That's why I'm surprised you got away with that. It's such a perfect example of why it's bad as it is sometimes to be 70. It's better than 20. I mean, you're just stupid. You do so many stupid things. The idea that any time, like after, hopefully 40, I would have been so dumb as to do that joke in front of that producer. You would never do it. You just never would do it. And I think there was a couple of times in those early years when I did something brush. Yeah. And kind of like, and I think there for the grace of God, because I do think there was a couple of times I could have been one of those roadkill people who were like, you know, this kid is just an asshole. But luckily they were like, you know, I think he'll grow out of that. And he did. Yeah. And the talent is worth it. I mean, there it is. I'll HBO a lot for that. Bingo. You know, they really, they're a network that really like they believe in how good you could be. Not just how good you are. There you go. And that's a, that's, I would say a key to their success because that makes artists really want to work with you. Yeah. And you're a success. You need it the right platform. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So that was it. And when you have me come out there and do the show, you know, I remember standing here. Down the curtain, I said, in the next five minutes, I'm going to go out here. I'm going to make these people laugh. And I'm going to change my life and my mom's life for the, for the better forever. And they, when they opened that curtain, boom, hit the mark, did it. Now fast forward, I go to you. Love this. I go to do the Byron Allen show and I go looking for a studio to take. And I said, let's go look at NBC. So we go to NBC and they show me every studio except Johnny's. And I said, you showed me, they go, which studio would you like to rent? I said, well, you show me every studio except one. And they go, which one did we not show you? I said, you didn't show me Johnny's studio. And everybody started chuckling and kind of getting nervous and a little nervous laughter. I said, no, I said, Johnny's studio is the best studio in town. I said it was designed by Bob Holt. And I said, yes, with the stadium seating, right, the stadium seating stadium seating. And I said, the problem with a lot of these television studios is that they put the audience in a pit. And we as comedians, we can't help, we can't help but play to the people. And so when we go out there on stage, it's a, it's, it's really tough because the cameras right there, but the people are below and we keep playing to the people and we're closing our eyes to the camera because we're looking down at the audience in the pit. And Bob Holt designed a television studio that has stadium seating and it rakes up. Otherwise a prick, but that really was a good thing he did. He had some funny, he was, he had a moment, a long moment. My parents loved him in World War II, didn't like him later in life, right? So I was, so I said, that's the studio. It's the perfect studio. You hit the mark and your eyes are open and you're playing to the camera and you're also able to play to the people because they're sitting right behind the camera. Best studio in town for a comedian. And I said, as a matter of fact, Bob Holt designed the studio and he gets to use it and tape his monologue for his TV specials because he's doing specials every, you know, four weeks, eight weeks, whatever it was, they would just bring up Johnny's curtains and they would bring down Bob Holt's curtains. And he would go and tape his monologue after Johnny finished his show at 630 and that would be his monologue for his special. I said, so here's the deal. And I said, I've been watching John. personally since I was 14. He's back in his car and off the lot by 7 o'clock and on his way to Malibu. At 7 o' 1 I want to strike his set and I want to take his set out and on Saturday on Friday night on Friday night and I said on Saturday I want you to put my set in. On Sunday I will tape two shows and on Monday you'll put his set back in because he wasn't doing the show on Mondays at that point. He was Tuesday to Friday and I said. Wasn't there a guest host? No this was it they were doing best of Johnny's on Monday at this point. Repeat on Monday. It was a repeat on Monday. No unthinkable today. So unthinkable today. Right? Right. So I said 7 o' 1. My crew comes in strike his set, Saturday my sets in Sunday. I knock out two shows Monday you put them back in and then he tapes Tuesday through Friday. They said he'll never do it. I said just do me a favor. Just one favor. Ask him and tell him the request is coming from me. Just say my name to him. He has watched me and he has because I've always made it a point to stand in the parking lot since the time I was 14 and say hello Mr. Carson. Hey Mr. Carson I saw your joke the other night that was very funny and over the years I got him to know my name and then he put me on the tonight show. I said just mention my name. So they go to him and they say they want to strike your set dotted it out. He's like you're out of your mind. Don't touch my set. Don't even think about it. And they said oh by the way the request became from Byron Allen came from Byron Allen. He said oh he goes let the kid strike my set. You're a ridiculous person. You're just a ridiculous person and this isn't a lifetime movie. Then my name isn't Johnny asshole. You love this one man. You look Bill you love this one. Just just in this one. How long have we been here an hour? Just one hour. It's like we've got a whole inspirational. I mean really every story is like I know you don't need the money but you should either be an inspirational speaker or like make this into a movie because this is you know every story is like it's inspirational. But no you'll love this story because you love Johnny and I love talking to somebody like you. So this is the why this was by the way. This was the crazy. It wasn't the craziest thing to ask. It was the craze. The craziest thing is how much money I spent to strike his set every other week and put my set in. That is not how you make television. Please believe me when I tell you that folks. So we they say okay what parking spot do you want. Don't you dare ask for parking spot one. That's Johnny. They say it's a matter of fact we gave you parking spot two next to Johnny. I said absolutely not I do not want parking spot number two. I would like to have parking spot number three. And they said three. I go yeah I said Johnny has a white Corvette at the time I had a black car. I said I'm not going to get out of my car and Nick is his white Corvette. Am I getting my black paint on Johnny's white Corvette? I said I was having one. You were you were always one chess move ahead of the rest of it. No, no. Byron is true. I'll you love this. So I said I was having lunch I told myself I was having lunch with David Horowitz. You remember David Horowitz. He had a he's several David. But this is on he was on on K. M. B. C. fight back with David Horowitz. He had a consumer advocate segment on K. M. B. C. consumer advocate David. And so if you rip somebody off David Horowitz would show up with a candle. Right. And yes. And it was great. He was amazing. Right. And we were having lunch in the commissary one day and he was complaining about how they put his parking space in Siberia on the lot. Like Dan, I'm way over away from the studio. Why? Well, whatever reason because he was local television and all the national shows were taking up the parking spot over by the snitch. I said, do me a favor. I said, give David Horowitz parking space number two. Do me do me that. And I'll take three. Right. And my producer will go over here. Whatever. They said, okay. David pulls in. Byron. Oh my god. You're the best. I said, listen, David, you have a gold Mercedes. I said, I'm going to school over to the right. And I'm going to encroach on Doc Severance. He's spot number four. I said, and I want you to school over. And so you don't nick Johnny's car. Don't get you. Don't get your gold paint on Johnny's white Corvette. He goes, oh, this is a good thing. You know, now, so I get the parking space. Now, the reason I did this and you'll love this, I was able to have these three, four, five minute conversations with Johnny in the parking lot. Right. And so I was able to say to John, and I would say Johnny, Mr. Carson, I say, I saw your monologue. This is great. And I say, sir, did you get a chance to watch my show on Saturday night because he didn't go out and he goes, yeah, I did. I go, do you have any notes, sir? That you can give me. And those notes change my mind, change my life and help my mind really. He said to me in the nicest way. He says Byron. He goes, I want you to remember something. He said, I'm not really doing a talk show. He says, I'm doing a comedy show. He said, the first half hour is comedy. You know, he says, I do a monologue eight to ten minutes and then I do a sketch. And then I'll have on, you know, a celebrity, like halfway through. Not a sketch, but a desk piece. When I was, sometimes a comedy piece. Or yeah, but yeah, but yeah, he'll comedy piece. So he'd monologue and then a comedy bit, right? With head, with head, right? Whatever it was, right? And then he says, I'll have on celebrity, number one, celebrity number two, good night. And he said, you know, and I don't jump in on the celebrity unless they're bombing. He says, pull back. Let them shine. Right. And your job is to step in when they're not shine. Right. And he says, just pull back, but he goes, I'm doing a comedy show. And that's when I thought, you know what? I'm not going to do the talk show. I just do a comedy show. And I'll just have comedians come on. I don't need to talk to celebrities and talk about a book or a movie or a TV show. That came out of that conversation with Johnny in the parking lot. Just and also I remembered when I would go to canners, canners, deli or across the street from the improv, the mustache cafe or whatever it was, the comedians, when we all sat around in a restaurant, everybody was funnier when we were together in that restaurant than on stage. Everybody was a little timid. They weren't themselves like they were, you know, but when they can't comedians, when the comedians around other comedians, they know it, but a comic knows when they walk into a room, they can be the funniest person if they want to be. But when they're around other comedians, it's a different sharpness. It's just a different focus. And I said, I like when comedians are together. When we talk, it's a certain camaraderie that's never gotten into that, who's the funniest. It's such a silly, subjective thing. Not trying to be the funniest. In one way. Exactly. You know, there are certain ways I am and there are certain ways Adam Sandler is, and you are, and you know, it's like it's just silly. You're right. You know, I mean, there are people who martin shorts, Dana Carvey, who just are like these, these laugh machines. They're just, they're certainly on a level that's energy wise. Yes. Different than me. Yes. It doesn't mean if, even if I wasn't mean, I was just an audience. I'd be like, I love them. And I love him too. It's just different. Sometimes it's like sometimes you want to hear a upbeat song. And sometimes you want to hear, you know, me and Mrs. Jones. We got a thing going on. And we both know it's wrong. Let's put that on the table. We both know it's wrong, but it's much too strong. I love that. I would remember that. Oh, my God. It's great. That's so funny. So yeah, I thought you'd appreciate that, you know, but that having that time and just learning from him was. What is this? What is this Snapchat thing? I read this. That's Snapchat. I bought BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed is a publicly traded company and I ended up making an investment in and BuzzFeed and Huff Post and Tasty. All these places have been horrible to me. Have they really? I certainly know Huffington Post. Really? Oh, once Arianna left it, became like the most woke, ridiculous. Oh, my God. What do they say about you? I don't even know. Do you own it? Yeah. Now I own it. I control it. It's probably traded. I control 52%. Someone's fucked now. Have another drink, Bill. Oh, I'm going to have a I'm going to have a tall one for that. Are you getting? Yeah. We've only known each other since what 1983? Yeah. So I've owned it. I think all of two weeks, three weeks. Well, let's give it another week before we have, I don't want to call it a witch hunt. Frankly, that's what I hope it will be, but no. They just have, I mean, they were like peak woke. Yeah. And they came down on you pretty hard. Oh, for years. Which one? This is Huff Post. Yes. Yeah. Like, that's what I hate about the left, the purity. And that's what Huff Post. I'm worse than like Republicans because I'm not pure with their, and a lot of what they believe, of course, is silly and sane revolutionary garbage from people who don't know facts or history or perspective. But that's okay. I don't have grudges against. I didn't even read it. But what was the other one, Buzzfeed? Buzzfeed. But all the places are a bunch of tasty, snarky fucking millennial, probably NEPO babies. I mean, I just know how these kids who have these jobs were, how much they were indoctrinated before they got there. And they are not America. So I don't know. You don't read your own publications. Like I said, I'm there two or three weeks. At the end of the day, I do read it. And what I find is that, you know, there's that spectrum. You know, I learned very early on. A guy taught me, he was just a really good guy. I met him when I was 19 years old. His name was Al Mascini. And he created an entertainment tonight in Lifestyle's Rich and Famous in Solid Gold. And I met him at a television convention. And he became like a second father to me. And he just said, don't get caught up. He said, you know, Johnny, this guy, you're just like, you're fucking-- You got to go introduce yourself. I don't believe him. Just introduce yourself, Bill. They're just going to say, what about the Pope? You ever meet him? No, but I have gone to the Vatican. And I went to Catholic school. You did? Yeah. I was raised Catholic. Is that right? I went to Catechism, which is Catholic training. We had it on Sunday before church. That's right. My mother stayed home. She was not Catholic. I didn't know what she was until I was older. Jewish had turned out. And my father and sister and I would go to church. But before church, which I fucking hated, of course, but the really bad thing was two hours before we dropped off at Catechism, which was, I guess, teaching you how to be Catholic. That's right. You know, I remember giving 100 questions we were given on a memograph page that we had to memorize. That's right. Where is God? God is everywhere. That's right. Did you go to confession every Friday? Yes. And confession, which I think Saturday, because-- I went every Friday. Whatever it was, it was close to Sunday, because you didn't want to leave a window there when you might sit, because once you had to confessions, and spoke through the little screen there, you were free of all sins. Forgive me, Father. But there was a little bit of a gap between that Friday when you got communion. You can't get communion unless you're free of all sin. That's right. So there was, like, an eight-hour gap. It's a little like when the porn star gets tested. And then there's still, kind of, like Saturday night. Yeah, but-- You know what I'm saying? I think you do. This is hilarious. I love this podcast. I hope you know the truth. This is great. But yes, everyone every Friday-- Saturday. Or you went Saturday. Saturday, because Sunday was when you got communion. And, of course, as a kid, you're just-- What fucking sins could I be doing as a seven-year-old? So you're, like, the anxiety, the anxiety that I have. I remember one of mine. Forgive me, Father, for I've sinned. I told my mother I would take the trash out by 5 o'clock, and I did not do it until 5.30. Yeah, shit like that. Exactly. And for that, they put scars for life. I still remember it. Exactly. I still remember it 58 years later. Just the-- you know, your heart is pounding because you're seven, and you were told this man has your-- you know, you can condemn you to hell. My heart was pounding until he said you were forgiven. And then-- yeah, and then you would be given penance. And he was like, he's got an apicus in her knees. OK, it's three hellmarys for the lie. And yeah, and he would say, and of course, the children. If only I'd known at the time, of course, he's not going to make it too onerous. It would be, like, say three hellmarys and two heartfolders. And I'd be like, whew, you know. So funny when I met my wife 25 years ago. She went into-- Oh, really? 25 years, you've been married 25 years? We've been together 25. We've been married 19. I didn't know she was the one. She said yes. We'll be right back. Jennifer's great. She's my best friend, and she's as well. She's just wonderful. I remember she walked into my closet and I had nothing but-- You were in the closet? No, no. She walked into my closet in my one bedroom, a condo, and she saw I had-- there was nothing but black pants and white shirts and like blue sweaters. And she goes, this is your entire wardrobe? I go, yeah, she goes, did you used to wear a uniform? And I thought about it and went, it's a matter of fact. I did. And she said, this is crazy. We're throwing all this away. We're going to go buy some jeans. And I just didn't realize how I grew up with the uniform, like, do everything straight over the plate. It was indoctrinated day one when I was a little kid. So you were living in a condo 25 years ago? Yeah, I was in a condo. I was in a one bedroom condo. But yeah, when I met my wife, yeah, I was in a one bedroom. So your wealth came, let your mogul period came not at all in the last century, all in the century. For the most part, yes, exactly right, two-fout, exactly right. And I realized early on, it wasn't show business. It was business show. I met my kid rock with her and he goes, I fucking love being rich. And all I could say was, I do too. I mean, come on. Why should we hide it, right? Especially when we were poor. Well, yeah. I mean, it's just, it's like the, you know, it's a reason why it's so popular, you know, being rich. Because it's just such a lubricant. Yeah. Like, more than a, because I'm not an acquirer of things. Right. Like, I don't collect anything that, you know, motorcycles, cars, you know, paintings, smart, like jewelry. None of that gives me any pleasure. Smart. But it's just, you know-- What does? What does? My delicate Christian wife, Sue. And our two homeschooled children. No, I'm sorry. That's not my life. That's somebody else. You know, my work, love, friends, you know, just my, I'm a person of routine. I get it, I get pleasure out of being anal. And just I have a job that's been the same job for 23 years. That's, you know, I like that. I like the process. I like feeling that it's, you know, something people are feeling fulfilled by. I mean, you need a purpose to wake up in the day. And I just, but I have no material. There's no, you know, I don't need a lot of money to do the things people do with money. I mean, for all the people who are like always talking about, you know, their virtue is signaling about the poor and everything. Well, you spent a lot of money on things you don't specifically really need. You couldn't, we could all do that. We could all just, you know, this jacket is $5,000. I could just not have it and still have plenty of clothes and give $5,000. But we all think, well, is it really going to get there? If I thought it really would go direct, if I could somehow telepathically put it in the pockets. Right. I don't think I'd ever buy another $5,000 jacket. Is that right? If I could really do that because I have 15. Right. Some people have 500. Right. Right. And they're still buying. That's right. That's right. Which one are you? You know, in my personal life, you know. How many jackets do you have? Personally, not that many. For the show, we have a wardrobe. But look, I'm jeans, I'm not counting the show. Oh, right. That's a wardrobe. That's a wardrobe. Right. That's a wardrobe. I like jeans. We cannot be people like us. Who are male models. We cannot be seen. Just wearing anything on television, fire. And I mean, the people would revolt. Look, I have a hole in my jean right here. I like, I just want soft jeans, tennis shoes. I want to be comfortable. Right. I like being comfortable. Me too. I can't wait. I'm at home. I like to put on my soft pajamas and t-shirt and just hang out with the wife and kids. Although, I also must say, I kind of like, no, I wouldn't want to do it a lot. But when there was a reason to put a suit on, you know, you look goodness suit. Yeah. The suit is designed for men. That's right. I mean, it's just somebody did that years ago and we went, oh, this thing makes me look better just sort of visually. Right. You know, you can be a fat fuck. And you're still under a suit, like the thing is cut here, which it then, it covers up a lot or if you are in good shape and, you know, even better. Even better. It's even better. Even better. Yeah. Exactly. And the tie, no reason for a tie. Right. I mean, what's the reason for a tie? It's an odd thing, a tie. It's an odd fucking thing. It is. Do you know what causes disease? No, what? The tie. How is this? I tell you. I love that. We're talking like David Mammoth character now. Suddenly, it's now just-- and here's the fucking thing. Because doctors in hospitals will be wearing a tie. And they will-- you know, there's a lot of bacterial infections in hospitals. Those are the main reasons why you don't want to be in a hospital. Never. Because whatever you go in with, you could get something worse in there. That's right. It's where the germs live. So don't wear a tie that could, like, as you're bending over the patient. I'm not making that up. That's great. - That shit happened. - Great observation. - And like our one here, Cedar Sinai, very good hospitals. - Yes. - And like, they're a good hospital with a good rating because they don't do stupid, stupid shit just like this. They really don't. And yeah, no reason for the time. - No. - Aside from killing people. Except it kind of, again, frames us. There's something about it that works with the V of the suit. - That's right. - Yeah. - Do you like to go on vacation? - Ah, great question. You know, I used to see you in Hawaii. - Yes. - Because for 12 years. - Maui. - I did Maui in Honolulu. People know this, I, you know. - But perform. - Perform. I'd started at a time when no one would do it and I broke that market. - That's right. - And said New Year's Eve, who wouldn't want to be, and, you know, then everybody did it. So they crowded me out of my own market. - Okay. - But it was awesome. And I would bring people. I'd see you there. - That's right. - I mean, it was, it was just a wonderful time. What was the question? - Yep. - Would you like to go vacation? - Do you like to go vacation? - It's right. - No. Once that ended, that was my vacation. And even then, it was a working vacation. - That's right. - You know, I did two shows. I did Honolulu and I did Maui in four days. But, you know, I also was on the beach and body surfing. It was so awesome. And I'd bring people and, you know, it was just fun. It was one of those great things you can do when you're, you know, I couldn't have done it when I was 30. I had other things that were good then, but I certainly couldn't have brought a gang of people on a private plane to Hawaii every fucking New Year's. - And that great? - It was awesome. And, you know, got to, like, this, but for four days. - That's right. - With people who I was getting to know. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I got to know Nikki Glazer that way. - She's great. - Lots of people. I got to know that way, you know. But you would always bring these great comedians home. - Yeah, it was fun. - Than Natasha? - But no. - In Natasha, yeah, absolutely. - Natasha Liger, she's amazing. - I remember she had a baby at home at the time. She was not going to do it. She was like, no, I've been newborn. I was like, yeah, but it's Hawaii. Okay. (laughing) But, yeah, everybody was always, that was great. - But. - Anyplace other than Hawaii. - I mean, I don't tour anymore. I did that for over 40 years. - You don't go out and do dates anymore? - No, I stopped. - Why not? - You know, everything comes to an end. I mean, I feel like I quit at just the right time because. - Oh my God, you're worth a million, two million a night. - I'm not a night, but I mean, it was very lucrative. I played all the great theaters in this country. - You and a couple of more comics. You could do it or rene us. - Yeah, I would never do anything with other comics. I feel like you should really. - Well, you did, New Year's Eve. - New Year's Eve. - You would take other comedians and open for it. - Oh, yes. - You're right. - Did you forget that? - Okay, yeah. - Let's have another drink. - Okay, once a year, you're right, you're right. I did. - Yeah. - And I didn't like it. I mean, I love them, but like, I feel like comedy is, especially the kind that I do. It's just so distinctive. I just, I think all comedy is, not just mine. It's all so distinctive. - You rather just do it on yourself. - It's just hard, yeah. - Why I always did when I went on the road. I never had an opening act. - And well, how much time would you do? - An hour and a half to two. - Jesus. - Yeah. I mean, I think that's what people buy a ticket to see you at that level. - That's right. - You know, I mean, they're not there to see an opening act. And that's okay. I mean, that to me is one of the great things about, I mean, we're really privileged to do that, to like go out in front of a group of people who bought a hard ticket to see you, which means they really get you. - That's right. - It's such a, it was such a joy, hopefully for them. I think, usually it was, but for me too, just to be able to indulge myself with people who I know you get me fully, you bought this ticket. You're not just a fair-weather fan, you know? - That's right. - Just like it is in a romantic relationship with somebody, to be with somebody who really gets you. - That's right. - When that's the audience, it is almost intimate. It is intimate. - Yeah. - It's wonderful. - I mean, listen, I'm surprised you're not. I didn't know you had retired, I mean. - I can't stand the trouble. I'm a nervous trouble. - You're flying privately? - I was for the whole century. - Well, why? - Even that became too much. I'm telling you. - It's a drive to ban eyes and get on a private jet. - Correct. What's the problem? - Correct. - What's the problem? - First of all, the, I'm not gonna sit in here and like complain about private jet. - But you know what? Fuck it, I will. - I'm gonna hear this, Bill. - No, no, I've always been very honest about it. - You're always very honest to it. - I did an editorial about this on Real Time Was. - Yeah. - And I remember turning right to the camera and saying, "I'm Bill and I fly private." I mean, I did a whole thing, and because everybody, I said, at least I'm honest about it. Everybody else is an environmentalist. I showed all the pictures of them getting on private plane. - There you go. - None of them don't do it. Carbon offsets, bullshit. - That's right. - That's right. - Okay, we live in this age where if you can fly private, you do. I was always for a gig. It wasn't like, I was even paying for the plane. I mean, I was in a way because I was making less on the gig, but I still made money on the gig. - That's right. - I just wouldn't have done it if I had to fly. And many of them I couldn't even get to on the schedule. I had to be here Friday to tape Real Time. - That's right. - So I'm gonna be on stage and fucking Wisconsin. Okay, so it became, first of all, too many crypto assholes with too much money. - Started buying up the chain. - Chasing too few jets. - Yeah. - I never bought, I didn't want to own one. - That's right. - Everything is your problem. - Yes. - You have to hire the pilots. - That's right. - And keep them on, you have to get a hanger. You have to do the landing right. - That's right. - I was like, no. - The maintenance, the whole thing. - Yes, let me just, and also, when you have, this happened a few times. If you're renting it and it doesn't work on the runway, which happened more and more, it's one reason I'm stopping. More and more, there was the, there's something wrong with the computer. - That's right. - They will get you another plane. - That is pretty. - Not as good. - Or better. - Or better. - I always went halfway to Florida, problem flew all the way back to LA, and they had a much bigger, faster plane waiting for me. That's the advantage of not having your plane. - As most of you people listening, no. (laughing) - And it's one thing I tell the young comedians. Relate to your audience. Do things they can relate to for God's sake. - Go out there and do the first half hour about your private jet. (laughing) - But it's true, too many crypto-assholes chasing too many jets. - Yeah. - And too many, like the number of times, there was like, oh, there's a problem just increased. I don't know why that is. I don't know if the jets got worse, or maybe it was just people who were stoned, who were working in this industry. I don't know, but it just was, I never had a good feeling even about the private jet. Like, is there going to be some problem today? - Right. - And that, so you're afraid to fly? - No, I'm not afraid to fly for years. I'm not afraid. I'm afraid of getting there late, because they, because they're gonna come back and say, we're having a problem. The computer isn't talking to you. - How many Friday's do you do at all times? How many Friday's out of the year? - 36. - All right, so you have-- - All year. - You say, okay, it's all year. So you have the other, like, you have 10 Fridays where you're not. - Okay. - Where I may not want to work at all. - Yeah. - Mostly I was flying out Saturday morning after taping Real Time on Friday. - Honestly, by-- - But you can do concerts on Mondays and Tuesdays. People would come and see it. - I can't. I'm working here. - I'll go check in your monologue, yeah. - I'm doing everything. This show takes all week to put together. - Right. - But honestly, it's been a year and a half since I've been there. And it does, it's, when I think of it now, it's like, how did I ever do it? - How'd you put it in? - Really good. - How'd you put your material together? 'Cause you didn't hit the comedy clubs. How did you put your hour and a half together? - Interesting point that's come up before. I had a certain point. I didn't understand why anyone else needed to. Like, if you've been doing stand-up for 30 years. - Yes. - You don't know how to work. I don't know. I know. - Right. - I'm not saying I'm Superman. - Right. - Just saying I didn't have to go to the clubs. - Right. - It wasn't wrong. - Right. - And if occasionally something didn't get quite the laugh, I thought it would. I don't remember anything just completely dying. - That's right. - I remember jokes trying out. Of course, that's the process where it was like, yeah, it worked. No one was embarrassed, but I can beat it. So I'm getting rid of it in the act. But, you know, every time I did something for the first time, it got something. - Got it. - You know, it just, I just, I can just tell. - You can keep track of 90 minutes of material without working the clubs. - I loved the process there, too. I'm a process person. I always took on stage and had a music stand and I had my bullet points. - Okay. - And so I did not have to memorize my act. - Okay. - And I would then have those bullet points in the computer. I'd get home, I'd edit it. So every show was an updated version of what works. You know, as opposed to in the old days, when I was writing on a yellow legal pad, this was like awesome. I could just do it in the computer. And now next time I'm on the road, I have the act right up to date and also don't have to memorize it 'cause it's gonna be up there with me. And I get great pleasure out of the fact that I moved this joke two jokes earlier and it worked so much better. - Yes. - All that little tinkering shit. - Yes. dirty shit. That's what I mean. I loved it. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So you can go. You could play, you could play spots and do things like LA. I could do a lot of things. I could start skiing. I don't want to. Yeah. I mean, I loved it and I miss it a lot sometimes. But not as much, because I have a monologue I do every week on real time. That scratches that itch. And it's even better in a way because it's a different animal than doing stand-up, which is, you know, much more passionate, shall we say, because it's your your act about evergreen things. And the monologue is just what happened that week. But it's still fun to tell jokes. And it's very much fun, as you well know, to tell jokes you've never told before. Yes. And see if you can like do it. It's a it's a test. Can I do this joke? I've never told before. And still fucking nail it. Right. Can you find humor in this? Can you find humor? Well, find humor, but nail it like in performance and how it should be done. And, you know, mostly, but not always, because it's the first time. Yeah, it's great. It's great. Once you're a comedian, you're always a comedian. See, you nailed it. You are scratching that itch because you're doing the monologue on your show. Yeah. If you didn't have the monologue on your show, then you probably know that yeah, you'd have to get back out on the road. There is not a time I am standing right backstage before the show starts when I don't think to myself, enjoy this because this is kind of what you live for. It's to be able to walk out here every week and they're all ready for you. And you've got all, you know, you've got all these great jokes from my great writers. And, you know, you put them just the way you want them now. So you made it into a thing. And now you get to deliver this and people will take it as a gift you're giving and they'll like you for your gift. You gave them a monologue like that's not going to be there in my life forever unless I die like the day after my last show, which is possible. Andy Rooney did it. Andy Rooney fucking literally like died like a week after he was doing 60 minutes. Is that right? Yeah. Okay. And I'm no Andy Rooney. So I'll probably be living. But each time I go out, I do think that I do think wow, this is this is as much fun as you're going to have with your pants on ever. That's right. So enjoy it and know it. It's at one point it's going to be the last one. So enjoy this one too. And you don't know when the last one is and you just you have to. You don't. And you don't. You have to enjoy it. But you know, so all right. So you said something earlier that it's really intriguing. Like you like Johnny and then the girls and this the girls would notice you in the whole nine yards. So you become rich and famous. Well, you're talking early. You're talking about, you know, you know, the girls like you, because comedy, what's cooler than this? Yeah, you got the attention of the young ladies. Well, I mean, if you're really into that, you'd be a musician. Comedy is good. But you don't have any musical talent. Yeah, exactly. So it's not really up to you. Yeah, I have zero musical talent. But, you know, I mean, comedy is just not in the same ballpark as music. And that's fine. It probably saved us from some shit too. A lot. We would have gotten laid more, but we did fine. And that survived. And yeah, and we didn't have to like snort a column of answer something. You know, we, you know, we just, and also I think it weeded out women of a certain, shall we say passive IQ level like comedy? I kind of have to have a brain to appreciate it. Right. You know, right. So you, you, you, you, you've had a great life. Is there anything else you want to do? Well, it's not talking about it like it's over. It's not over. You've had a great life, so far. And when you think about, when you think about the fact that you started having one, I have a great one. Yeah. But listen, you've been doing what you love since you were 22, 23. Well, I certainly didn't love it then. It's so good. What age did you start? Then, and it was horrible. I mean, you know those early years. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, you, but think about it. You started at 22, 23 years old. What you wanted to do. Yeah. Oh, no, I, I mean, all my dreams came true. I don't want to have to sound like Elvis when he made all my dreams came true. Yeah. They did. And, but they didn't work out for you. Dead at 42. I'm still here at 70. My dreams did come true. I mean, along the way, you know, both me fucked up and life fucked up. Something's going to work out better. But in general, it's like I would, I would not, I've said this before. I, I would hope there is no such thing as reincarnation because I don't think I would pick a better life. You know, I don't think I'm going to get if I'm reincarnated. Whatever I come back on as I don't think it'd be better than this one. It could be. I could come back as Rod Stewart or something, but, but the odds have been being better. Slim. You know, that means you're very happy. Yes. I, again, you know, our generation, first of all, just accepts a much lower level of happiness. We don't have a sense of entitlement, like it came about in later generations. So let's just, sorry, I'm just curious. And we've known each other a long time. I mean, you're completely off the possibility of marriage. Well, it's 70. I think that's silly. Yeah. I mean, why would you get married except to have kids and you wouldn't have kids at 70? I mean, not that people haven't done it, but it's a crazy thing to do. It's a crazy thing to do. I love being this age because it's a built-in excuse for being what I wanted to excuse from for all my life. What's that? I can't get that serious and I won't have children. All right. I got to go back to work. All right. Great. Hang it with you. It's so much fun. Congratulations on being Byron Allen. You somehow came out on top. You as well. I bet you have more more money than Seinfeld. He has more cars. Yamaha Resort and Casino at Sandman Well is California's number one entertainment destination for the biggest shows this summer. Catch vocal powerhouse Christina Aguilera July 21st. Rock out to Imagine Dragons July 23rd and enjoy the signature G-Funk sounds of Snoop Dogg July 24th. Tickets are on sale now at YamahaTheater.com. Only at Yamaha Resort and Casino, celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in must be 21 to enter. When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want, like all the way. 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