Buy My Thing!

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Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Shaq here. What's it like to buy a car from Carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door? Let me tell you. Your car is here, Mr. Shaq. Thank you, Mr. Carvana guy. Can't wait to take it for a spin. Only the best for you, Mr. Shaq. Hey, have you always been so big, tall and handsome? Not always. I was 6'10 once. Seven days to love it or return it, Mr. Shaq. Not that I would. You never do. No, I never do. So buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. See our seven-day return policy at carvana.com. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destructible. This illustrated episode, Wiggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Balderdash Bob has his house communally pebble-dashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit. Masturbating Mark evades the red rug, draws snipers, tartypoos, dicks, and Zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings. From badger beards to range masters, yes, it's time for Buy My Thing. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Destructible. I am today's host because I'm bald, and bald people have rights, too, I found out. Hmm. Join, as always, by my co-hosts. Who's simulating to disagree with that. Mark and Bob. Hey, what's up? Hey. What's up? How's it going, my haired fellows? Feeling hairy. Oh, hair-tastic. Hair-credible. Hair-rific. Hair-rific? I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head and beard shaved that it's like, please, please, stay, stay, little fella, don't go. Just gotta cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache. I'm just gonna have this. I'm just gonna have this tiny little bit of beard. Yeah. It looks so bad. It's just an outline of your lips. I've always thought this was the best facial hair. Call it my extra smoochers. Ugh. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't be a good look. I'd have a little bit of, like, a really terrible handlebar. Anyway, if you've never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tuned into this specific episode, but this is the one you found. I'm not gonna explain the rules today because I'm tired and I don't feel like it. We're gonna jump into small. Small talk. I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend, and it's so crazy because we're doing one a week, so it's actually, like, this weekend was nuts. Actually, stuff happened? Yeah, that's fair. I guess, actually, when it comes out, it'll be last weekend, so, uh. So, Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the. Yeah, Bob, do you want to. I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week. A record. I didn't know household records existed. How many days? How many days have you ever gone with, uh, how do I phrase this? Where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house? Our record is 10 in a row. Wow. I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats, so our record is specifically a cat. Cats can count. Cats can count. Yeah, Keter's stopped using his potty pads again, so we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but. A lot? A lot. It's been a minefield. Coming to my office, it's been a mine. Anywhere there's carpet, you never know anymore. Your feet will tell you for either one or two. Lovely. That sort of undercuts the dramatic storytelling I was building up there, but no, we. No, please go ahead. It's not a fun tale for me. Our house has been sick, and Lexi is, I don't know, an idiot. And, uh, she. We can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore. I mean, she's not an idiot. She's old. It's the problem. And she gets too anxious, so we can't leave her in her cage anymore. Or she poops, and then she eats the poops. And then she. She throws up poops, which is somehow worse than either individually. Wait. Ew. Yeah, it's not. That's not. That's. Yeah. Mm-mm. And then, when she does that, she then proceeds to throw up for, like, the next 24 to 48 hours because it was gross, which I have to give her credit for. I think that's the right call. I think I would throw up, too. Very gross. Very gross. There's an exciting thing that I'm going to talk about that is exciting for me and other people. Mm-hmm. And I'm. I'm only shilling a little bit here. Did you know that Real Good AI, the nonprofit that was founded by Mark and run by my wife, is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it, though. RealGoodAI.org slash TheScaryTapes. Oh. Because it's an AI horror writing competition, and the winners of the competition are going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and slash performed in a way possibly by us or other voice actors or. That part's not set yet, but the winners win a cash prize, and also it'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary. Scary stuff. That sounds great. That sounds awesome. So if you want to write a story, I think it's like, oh, seven to 10,000 people. 10,000 words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. Look at the website. I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realize this takes time, and this thing just started, so no one's submitted any stories yet, but like, I want. And I don't think I get to pick. I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read them, see what people have. That's exciting. How many royalties do I get? As the creator of the original TheScaryTape, I feel. I'm owed a fat 85%. How much of the charity funds does Mark get to skim off the top? Come on. Well, you fund the whole organization that's running it, and you're a co-equal member of the show, and I mean, pretty much all of them, really, realistically. So I could legally. Ooh. Wow. Sweet. Good. All my people will email your people, by which I mean I'll email the lawyers, and they'll tell me what's going to happen. Mark's going to go to jail. It's going to happen. Mark got a cease and desist and jail time. Yay! Yeah. But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, I'm really excited about that. I'm focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories. Please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke-filled nightmare right now. Mark, your sound is like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. I want to hear it. It was fun. I will not deny. Even more fun. It was fun when I saw headlines being written, especially by Hometown Cincinnati Inquirer, written by Bebe, Beebe, Beeb, Hodges, yeah, yeah, Beeb, B-E, B-E, Hodges. I am so sorry. I love when Babe writes us some notes. Hey, Babe. Babe. Babe, Markiplier's at the Oscars. This headline is so funny. Milford grad gets lost at the Oscars. Quote, the whole carpet is full of people. Carpet's red. Ah, man. You know, I hope I had. Oh, it's so funny. Yep. It just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be the listeners are going to get mad the earliest they've ever. Been in an episode because I'm drawing things on the screen because I need to, uh, to properly illustrate how this all went down. Are we getting a map of the Oscars? Yep. You're getting a map of the Oscar. Behold. Wow. Paint. All right. So it's nothing right now, but hold on. Let me, I'm ready. Editors are going to love this one because I'm going to make them look at stuff later too. Yeah, it's just, it's all good. Okay. So first off you have Hollywood Boulevard, right? Yeah. So you got, you know, it's, it's Holly. I don't know why I'm writing this out. Hollywood. Hollywood. I don't see enough sex shops to believe you. Okay, here we go. X, X, X, X, Hollywood style. You know what I mean? They got the extra X. God dang. Wow. The quadruple X. And then across the street, you know, they only got three and a half X's and they're real mad about it. The triple X slash. So, and then there's this one guy that actually, this guy actually exists and he was real mad. He was all like, I don't know. Like you, you bastards, middle finger. finger okay out and let's say that was his face is that his body his hands uh it's top down that's the top of his head stop down he's really got a charlie he's got charlie brown hair thing going on there you go now he was he was real mad that is not a hitler mustache now this is this is just a real google image search of hollywood boulevard right here okay anyway so i'm gonna take that back so we're in cars right so we're we're we're in our fancy uh uber black or you know whatever the lyft equivalent is we're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone uh so we're driving here and there's multiple checkpoints here right well actually let me make this different color so so what's crazy about is it was like heightened security i don't know if this is how this is always like this but there's like cops drive forward a full block sniper right there's a fuck guy holding a sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body lying prone on the road yeah no he's on a he's on a vehicle this is this is another there's another roof of a van it's clearly a van yeah see it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk the tail anyway so we're driving along we go in stages right so there's a full block right this is a full bl ock block yeah i'm with there's swervy barriers literally puzzle style like this uh each time you go to checkpoint here you had to open the trunk this is the the trunk you know and then you had to pop the hood you know that's the hood there and the engine right pop the hood god yeah and then turn off the car and they had a dog walk around they had a little little goofy dog you know sniffing that dog have udders no it's on the prowl that's that's what it is on the prowl it's actually a tardigrade poodle mix it's called a poodle grade how's the car tail it would 100 be called a tardipoo wouldn't it i did i messed that up real bad depends on the mix if it's the father and the mother you know yeah no that's right it depends on the genealogy as a dad tardoodle tardoodle anyway so we finally get here um and so i'm gonna how do i do layers i'm out okay i'll hide in that layer right yeah okay gone so we make it to the oscars through all the security right so the oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here and you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges so you got man listeners are seething i can't wait for bb to write another article it's like mark doesn't know how many legs the dog has listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they could start watching markiplier thinks cars have tails here's his artwork proving it yes yes so we have three lanes we get out we we go here there's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way it's like a narrow path that opens up like this right so we're walking uh me and amy we're walking in and we're walking in and we're walking in and then there's a series of gates here right so it's gates to check your badges to uh make sure no red carpet yet no it's red this is all red sorry okay this is all the red starts already got it yep it's red so it's all red carpet right everything's red like you're filming iron lung all over again exactly 100 you're with it you got it man you're the greatest host of our generation babe that's the name of the person who wrote that article she's not here no she's not here she's not here yeah anyway funnel back down like squeeze you know uh so we squeeze in here and then the actual red carpet is right over here actual i'm having a stroke that says actual it does sure yeah actual it was written in this weird font i couldn't read it this is where the problem started right i was like oh man so our journey is now funneling down into here and there were some nice people working that recognized me and said hi that was a lovely get in here so we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet no no no no this is how it's all laid out when an intruder approaches a home they expect a camera what they don't expect stop this is simply safe police are on the way using smart ai cameras live us-based agents help deter intruders in under 30 seconds don't just record a break-in stop it from ever happening plan starting around a dollar a day right now get 70 off your new system with professional monitoring at simply safe.com spotify 30 seconds response time requires monitoring plan with outdoor protection starting at 49.99 a month visit simply safe.com slash licenses for alarm license information you know the photo people photo people yeah yeah photo people sure sure so the way it works out is like we couldn't see this right there's a s bend and it kind of opens up probably actually i didn't even see it but i think it goes like that right so this is red car pet so this is it this is the main thing this is where the people be walking you know this is where the people are they all direct no no this is foots oh that guy is a huge dick look at those dicks the big dick energy in hollywood this is you got the top down views i thought it was the head and then oh you didn't say big foot there shit he was he was crazy you know who edits my videos was just at a big foot museum i didn't know i think actually it must have gone like this because i didn't see that happening so i think it actually was like this because i didn't see any of this there were three lanes of people here and there's a door right here right so we're about here we get in and then boom hello they're not this big this is not to scale huge head this is like a wizard of oz head situation did they have mr potato head greeted you tiny eyes that's scary buck tooth no they're very nice so this this lovely person said mark oh and amy oh it's so good to see you we've been told to take really good care of you right i'm gonna pass you off to my associate who is literally right here hello they knew they knew they'd be here eventually on this they have their own tablet and they also had their own tablet and they were like oh hi mark we've been told to take really good care of you so we've gone like this is this is like 10 steps right she goes now well if you come with me there's a side path that we're gonna take you through right and i said oh well you know i don't usually like cutting lines i i'm good to wait you know like no no no we've been told to take really really good care of you keep this guy off the red carpet got it i don't know if that's true but it did turn out that way let's go this guy nowhere near the red bigfoot's over there mark can't be over there so this door has no signs on it no label i don't even think it had a handle right it's just it just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly i don't recall her opening it i don't i don't recall so it opens right it's very floppy door so hold on here it is a very floppy a floppy handle this door yeah well that would make sense it didn't have a handle yeah open the other way but i'm not gonna redraw it i don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it i don't know either but we're here so we go through here and wouldn't you know it it's also red carpet here and i'm like thinking hey this is all good you know why not yeah they want to get me to the front all you youtube's doing the treat me treatment you know i'm really anyway there's another person another person happy to see me it's the first person just in a mustache hello and then they're like this way they're pointing oh my god i would not follow that finger jesus christ they must have been real happy to see with a pointer like that so it's this way so at this point we're just like and she's telling us like hey don't worry there's like a photo you'll go to the stairs you can take photos there and up at the top there's a photographer with next to oscar statues which we did get that picture of and she's like oh my god i'm so happy to see you and it looks very good um go this way right here to this other person who's right here still happy to see me you know oh no oh the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway mark this guy this guy was muscular by the way i don't know why that stands out to me but he's got muscles right i just appreciate that they're all bald i don't know i think they're all bald i don't know i think they're all bald it looks like an okay symbol right it's okay go this way right there was another box here where there were people here um and they were taking pictures and and observing and i thought it was like a secondary poto people mini poto people this is how we missed walking the red carpet legitimately hi hi hi this way and we just by the whole thing and and it literally all of this joins back together and it's like oh my god i'm so happy to see you and i'm so happy to see you back up right around the corner, like right here at funnels, back down uh there's a slight turn here and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the oscars so we were escorted that way so is this one of those things where they like had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside and because like or people that were nominated outside or we thought that but no all of the all the celebrities they just go i guess through this door all those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet yeah so yeah all of the the celebrities all the nominees they went this way and we went there weren't many people walking i'm gonna say who all went this way it's like exclusively marked they're like i'm not saying anything there's no conspiracies here but this is just these people that were taking good care of me were they like oh you know what it might be it might be i can't say one way or another but this is the this is the truth and so what what the funny thing is and i'll try to draw this is feday who works he's like the head of movies at youtube who helped get me the the invite i'm gonna try to draw his face when i told him i had somehow so excited i had somehow uh the the entirety of of the the let's see let's try to preemptively get these under there oh he looks like me right now what a happy lively guy i didn't know he was a south park character that's crazy just after i told him that uh just oh he looks like the dude that eventually was in charge of the power rangers zorg or whatever his name was yeah yeah okay and i can't be sure but i'm pretty sure i might have seen a little bit of a tear form kind of looks like if he opened his mouth he'd be like oh geez rick i bet he can't wait to invite you again after this depiction and and i remember him saying something along the lines of let me type it out i don't know why but oh that's the size would have been good if the press knew you were here i guess oh it's so small oh wait no it was fucking so small oh it would have been good if the press knew you were here i guess so i just zordon my heart crushed zordon that's his name oh i wouldn't of course i can't edit that that is how that looks now good at the press knew you were here i here's each a each shot i can't think he he english isn't his first language right he's from it's not mine either there we go okay is that better is it better for you all right i'm done yeah just let me get this right for the Cincinnati Inquirer that is a story of how i missed the red carpet so it wasn't your fault the m&ms that you're the wrong one i mean yeah pretty much i damn blue disney m&ms it really was a thing where i even said like look i'm good to wait and then they looked at me like and then i went i guess i've never been here before so you would know best so i'll i'll follow your lead all right through the door let's get through the door they weren't malicious at all they were very nice and they have those ipads because they have to memorize the faces and names of everyone that shows up there and there must have been a big note by mine warning this guy's from youtube take really good care of him you showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie-talkie was like why the fuck is he still alive what did you do about there you just happened to survive the sniper was just hanging out sun tanning and with the old leslie nielsen like oh my shoes untied next year i'll get him next year i should just end the episode i don't think any game i can do can compete with what we just witnessed oh hey we're only doing one episode a week we might as well make it short and worse than they were before excellent all right well i hope you all enjoyed mark's oscar episode the oscars themselves were very nice i ate a lot of food there the rest of it was fine i don't even know how this works are they all celebrities because it's in the dolby right which is a big theater but it's not like it's 10 000 people or something it's not no no i think it's like max capacity is actually well i don't even know what is uh capacity it in the dolby like a couple thousand at most like it's like a 15 1800 seater isn't it 3400 so yeah we we're in the mezzanine the first level above the ground floor all the celebrities are up in the front like bottom the good seats but we had good seats too the majority of the people there are industry people like producers directors the people that work in the post and the production side of it um the crews of those that were nominated they just put the celebrities up in front so i was up there i was actually sat next to fede and his wife i hope i'm pronouncing his name correctly because every ever since i i learned his name i've kind of just whenever i've seen oh how are you hey champ hey i have totally misheard someone's name before and tried to mumble it to get away with it i've been there where you're like uh christine christina hey chrissy how are you hey crayola good to see you oh my god i hope i hope you guys never run into babe from the cincinnati acquirer probably bb if i had to probably bb listen babe i well i mean you know i don't think we were mentioned at all so bob and i are probably safe yeah that was the way you look and the way you just it was like keanu reeves was in the room with me again i don't know what i have that's giving keanu today i don't even have my long hair anymore it's something with the shirt man i don't know that feels very very mr mr reeves it's an iron lung t-shirt oh well less so whenever i see the bottom i guess it was just a really high neck top maybe i don't know that's a cool shirt thanks no one else can ever get it can we have one no okay it never got made this is a prototype of an old design that didn't make the cut so you're wearing garbage yes i'm wearing literal garbage it's pretty cool that sounds trendy speaking of trendy no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that i'm doing but i do have a game uh so what we're gonna do is we're gonna do a game and i just call it buy my thing we can change the name later of course but right now that's the that's the prototype i don't know if it'll be distributed you guys might not be able to wear it but as of right now that's the prototype i'm working on one of you is gonna get a prompt and it's gonna be a thing that you're trying to sell to me you want me to buy your thing the next person will spin the wheel and they're gonna buy your thing instead and they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch you know whatever rebut it and then whoever the first person was will get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal and then i'll make a choice as to whose thing i'm buying and that's that round i know we're just getting into the game but the last one we did was my dice breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted and i feel like while i was explaining it mark was kind of just like uh no no i i got it bob this guy can't even follow a red carpet man it's like okay it's like wheel of fortune plus jeopardy in the middle of it here's i'll explain to you what i got from that and you tell me how close i was i'm sure you're dead on you're gonna spin a wheel yeah right and in there are things and we need to sell that thing to the opponent you you wait and then it's gonna spin again and the other guy's gonna rebut to the thing that i they want me to buy their thing instead oh oh i see i see okay so if i spin it let's say it lands on broom mark's trying to sell me a broom and then bob spends and gets pizza he wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom i can only buy one thing oh that's an easy one but then mark gets one more chance after bob gets me to try to buy the pizza be like no no listen you still want the broom and then i'll decide we'll go again i don't know how good this particular wheel is if i can like remove things after they land on it i also don't even know how to spin the wheel so we're gonna we're gonna figure this out together sounds really well planned no whoa whoa hey whoa as per usual from me it's about as well planned as it ever is it's i think it's great i think it's going to be great thanks man i think it sounds really fun dude i don't like the way you flipped it i'm just saying i think it sounds great i'm gonna have a great time this is gonna be super fun i think it's really fun i don't know if i like that tone at all the tone doesn't mean anything listen to the words all that matters is the words i'm saying i don't like the words if the listeners have anything to go by it doesn't matter what our faces say it doesn't matter what our lips say it's only the words i guess tone does come into play for their ears no no listeners can't hear tone you see tone i have synestonia bob your heads mark your tails whoever wins goes first heads bob you get to go first in the first prompt all right do you guys want me to spin twice in a row so you both know what you're doing or let me just spin first pitch and spinning it nah keep going we got it that feels like an advantage for the second person i think you spin and then we have to just jump into it all right done all right first hey that actually spun it cool i was looking at some of these things on the wheel what is that bob you want me to buy some shoes is there a time for this or do i just go i didn't plan that far ahead so obviously just go just because we're already here i just want to paint the picture for you all right i'm with you you live in a house i think so houses have floors you've been talking about this last time i checked you have feet two of them which we're gonna make pink for some reason great this is your foot that's your foot that's your pink fleshy foot perfect and you know what walking around your own house and your own pink feet is delightful unless you have a cat that leaves little presents for you on the carpet i don't know how big keeters and shits are but we're gonna say this is one specially coagulated shit and you didn't even step on it you stepped into it your whole toes are now embedded in shit don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit yeah i really do don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from this this scenario happening over and over and over again because keeters as i know because my dog is very old keeters is just gonna shit wherever he wants yep and he wants to do it a lot and he wants to do it everywhere well that's why i'm here to tell you about shoes i have exactly what you need it does not matter what you step on asterisk as long as you're wearing shoes it cannot harm you it cannot make your toe shoes have shit between them it cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life you'll be safe forever from the shit wherever keeters needs to go he's good he's covered you want to take care of your pets do you love keeters oh yeah then buy some shoes you don't have to answer because i know you do it means you need shoes it means you're gonna buy shoes it means you're gonna buy my shoes because i'm selling them right here right now and you need them that's it that's my pitch by the way if you don't buy shoes you hate keeters that's a hell of a pitch what a hell of a pitch too bad he doesn't make the rules man i'm ready all right mark you get to rebut you're trying to sell me uh-huh instead of shoes i need to get beans all right by the way some of these props may not be equal to the other me and the boys at 3 a.m looking for some beans hey don't sell it for me sorry wait i'm doing your job yeah yeah all right well anyway uh since we're here you know i might as well i want you to look at this man this hungry hungry man yearning for success yearning for his prodigal son his favorite youtuber to ever amount to anything amount to a whole hill of beans right that's that has nothing to do with the rest of what i'm selling but that's pretty good right i made that up anyway this man starving imagine this again the thing with the dust what the fuck is it called vacuum no with the the time and the depression the the dust bowl the great depression the dust bowl the thing with the dust the vacuum or the dust bowl which one right they survived the many depression eric buy my beans man they ate them then they eat them now don't be like this guy buy my beans i don't want to deal with the dust i want the beans i want the beans i don't want to be like that guy how would you like to reply just one second just doing a little preparation here was he still selling shoes oh no i wish i can't reiterate enough if you want cat shit between your toes to buy beans i guess but mark did make one good point the great depression was bad the people in the dust bowl were sad except the one guy who had shoes see how wow it does not look like he has pupils right now he does have pupils that is not that's not what it looks like anyway he see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs because he's the one with shoes that could be you also these people's feet are all covered in cat shit man i hate to slam dunk bob like this but oh are we having a rebut to the rebut may i have the screen three rounds as a fourth how could i say no i would like to present my rebuttal yeah he got so big have you heard of the expression as above so below i have now if i hadn't before okay so hold on all right this man may not have much i don't like what he does with the mouse did you say that um there we go it's we've averted disaster now would you ever take advice from someone fuck okay open your mind for this is okay you must remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom right okay if you buy his shoes your whole balance will be thrown off notice nothing up there look how bad this is gonna look if you if you listen to his advice no oh how bad have i looked wearing shoes my whole life oh my god oh my god oh oh no suddenly everyone's gonna be looking down here at your feet and they're not even gonna notice your head also buy beans all right all right i don't know if i get another turn but i'm taking one i'd like to scream back if that's all you got please all right we're gonna press the fifth round our three round thing i just need to highlight one thing i don't know if it was clear we're gonna press the fifth round we're gonna press the fifth round we're gonna press the fifth round we're back here great depression sad dust bowl very sad these people feet covered in shit no shoes this guy happy shoes no shit if you just zoom in and look really close oh no at what the sad people have in their hands now that is slander or libel it's written i think just sad because of the great depression they're sad because all they have is beans i rest in peace rest my case that's like that artificial chick kind the chick with an apostrophe n clearly that's b-e-a-n-z and not how i spelled it b-e-n-s b-e-e-n-s the ben's oh the ben's i just looked at um i don't want to present a man spelled beans you're actually gonna kill one of those beans you're actually gonna kill one of those beans you're actually gonna kill one of those beans i yield my time i have given an assortment of points this round which i wasn't intending to do but i had to do but i had to do but i had to however overall uh man that last photograph however overall uh man that last photograph however overall uh man that last photograph of the bean depression i just got to give of the bean depression i just got to give of the bean depression i just got to give the point to bob for the round but the point to bob for the round but the point to bob for the round but i don't know who got more points total i don't know who got more points total i don't know who got more points total during the round bob gets the round point during the round bob gets the round point also by beans didn't quite do it okay okay okay you countered bob real well the second you countered bob real well the second you countered bob real well the second time but you know what mark i see the time but you know what mark i see the time but you know what mark i see the vision you're not buying shoes you're vision you're not buying shoes you're vision you're not buying shoes you're looking for something to buy also buy looking for something to buy also buy looking for something to buy also buy beans they're actually completely beans they're actually completely beans they're actually completely separate product categories they're not separate product categories they're not separate product categories they're not mutually exclusive at all we're not even mutually exclusive at all we're not even mutually exclusive at all we're not even competing really okay bob you get to go competing really okay bob you get to go first this time wait what didn't i just first this time wait what didn't i just first this time wait what didn't i just get to go first mark you get to go first get to go first mark you get to go first get to go first mark you get to go first this time this time this time i shouldn't have said anything i guess i shouldn't have said anything i guess i shouldn't have said anything i guess there were so many rebuttals i didn't there were so many rebuttals i didn't there were so many rebuttals i didn't remember where we started it was it was remember where we started it was it was remember where we started it was it was perfectly logical i'd like the screen perfectly logical i'd like the screen perfectly logical i'd like the screen please i'm gonna draw about how i just please i'm gonna draw about how i just went first yeah yeah yeah all right so went first yeah yeah yeah all right so went first yeah yeah yeah all right so mark you get to go first this time mark you get to go first this time mark you get to go first this time you're going to sell me you're going to sell me you're going to sell me oven or stove you came to the right guy oven or stove you came to the right guy oven or stove you came to the right guy if there's a guy that knows about having if there's a guy that knows about having if there's a guy that knows about having stoves let me stop sharing just in case stoves let me stop sharing just in case stoves let me stop sharing just in case no i don't even need to share all right no i don't even need to share all right no i don't even need to share all right unless you need an illustration of what unless you need an illustration of what unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like you know what a stove looks like you know what a stove looks like you know what let me guide you through it i look like let me guide you through it i look like let me guide you through it i look like the kind of guy who needs to know the kind of guy who needs to know the kind of guy who needs to know i understand you're the type of buyer i understand you're the type of buyer i understand you're the type of buyer that wants to know every in and out not that wants to know every in and out not that wants to know every in and out not like this poor piece of right here like this poor piece of right here like this poor piece of right here sorry i've man this is not no longer sorry i've man this is not no longer fede i want to i want to be very clear fede i want to i want to be very clear fede i want to i want to be very clear this is not fede wait what the they're this is not fede wait what the they're this is not fede wait what the they're here it's not oh not brown this is a no stove having guy this is a no stove having guy this is a no stove having guy i'm not even gonna bother with the entry i'm not even gonna bother with the entry i'm not even gonna bother with the entry level models you sir want the range level models you sir want the range level models you sir want the range master 9 000 right oh that sounds fancy master 9 000 right oh that sounds fancy master 9 000 right oh that sounds fancy i i i love the way you smell love the way you smell love the way you smell thank you let me give you a glance at thank you let me give you a glance at thank you let me give you a glance at this thing boom pow this thing boom pow this thing boom pow fuck what fuck what fuck what it stops it stops it stops don't need them don't need them don't need them doesn't like run out of paint what's doesn't like run out of paint what's doesn't like run out of paint what's happening is it limiting my artistic vision all right so you got the range master all right so you got the range master all right so you got the range master nine thousand all right so this nine thousand all right so this nine thousand all right so this bad mamba jamba of an oven not only has bad mamba jamba of an oven not only has dual zone, uh, not only does it have dual zone, ovens wow it's got not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven it's got a secret keeps on your toes it's only for experts and you my friends seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise to keep you awake in the line of duty starting off at 99 999 wow that dot could be going anywhere man for trying to sell me something you sure picked the price i know right well that's just the range master 9000 look we accept clarna credit clarna don't use the watercolor brush it runs out it runs out man i'm pretty sold that thing has not one not two not three all the way up to a secret eighth burner sure i think no no that was right that was right no you're so right it definitely has eight burners i maybe lost count at some point oh no you were absolutely right there were eight burners instead bob you get to sell me what what does that mean what does that mean mark is to choose what you sell his round already went so his rebuttal he can't use any verbs oh so i can use verbs he can't use verbs wait why am i getting punished for this well you get to choose what he has to sell so you get to choose the item what but your punishment is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal what the fuck wow don't worry there's other ones on here that do things to the same person or other person all right he's also an oven salesman okay also an oven salesman oh man the poop shoes my friend here well he was really focusing on the stove he said there's a dual zone oven and then he went on and on about how many burners there were i am here to tell you about the of master 9001 shit which does have a burner and some knobs or whatever the fuck it has one big fucking burner on it how many burners do you need you need a thing that makes here but what this baby lacks in stove it makes up for in ovens she's girthy she's got legs and this bad boy has not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven not eight but a secret ninth dick oven right in the dead center of where you're gonna want to be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama yes it's a stove yes you can boil pasta on it but how many other ranges are gonna allow you to cook eight and one hot dogs worth of different dishes all at one time that's right this is the of master 9001 i'm gonna put it in red so that it seems good better than green it starts at one dollar down and thirty six hundred dollars a month for the next 72 months it's in the fine print of the contract one dollar here i'll fancy it up one and i'll give you a double dollar sign asterisk what what a rebuttal where else are you gonna get secret dick oven mark do you want to rebut with no no verbs oh oh me me yeah man i hear side surprise oh the noun a surprise oh oven oven food oh it runs no out oh color out one two three four five six seven secret eight dual zone on side like on the side is not verb no verbs on the side got it no no is not isn't is a verb i think so hey that's a verb the noun you've seen the fuck over there food heat life love you can hang that in our kitchen food heat life salt acid heat power not one plug plug no how plug not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven not eight not nine that's a sad plug ten plug wow power from from from power tower this out window this window window power tower wisdom shag here what's it like to buy a car from carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door let me tell you your car is here mr shag thank you mr carvana guy can't wait to take it for a spin only the best for you mr shag hey have you always been so big tall and handsome not always i was 6 10 once seven days to love it or return it mr shag not that i would you never do no i never do so buy your car today on carvana delivery fees may apply see our seven-day return policy at carvana.com oh god here fuck thanks not coal oven fuck oh the noun not coal oven fuck the noun nine thousand two volt no that don't matter amp is amp no it's amperage isn't it or amperes i don't know nine thousand two amp deluxe gold edition oh wow that's a little bit too much After steak. on Tick-tock lock Yep, it after two steak clock. No steak on then then To this count Oh Nine nine nine nine Wow got a lot cheaper, please. You know, please you know by by Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll probably do that. Now, by rule, that's the three rounds. Fuck the noun. All right, if I could have the screen back for just one second. Okay, so since you're rebutting the rebut, I'm going to make you also use no verbs. Good. Easy. This? One dollar. This? Okay, wait. Nine, nine, nine, nine? Mmm. nine nine nine nine nine nine one dollar me you i feel like there are far less verbs than i thought there were but i didn't want to risk it mark i'm going to give you that one oh yeah i love the one dollar price but i'm smart enough to have heard the asterisk and the 72 months of 3 200 payments or whatever it was i started six hundred dollar a month i think it's not nine ovens it is there's a lot of ovens you could be a man who owns nine ovens but i guess you won't the secret ninth dick oven that is pretty good um don't knock it till you've tried it i've got so many prompts but i'm just gonna save it for another day we're gonna do more yeah we'll do a sequel this well this is a fun one i'm gonna have to get better at drawing in ms paint skill set i've ever developed i was not expecting the four to five rounds i was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds that was a nice bonus i gotta not use the watercolor i don't know how no it was perfect and i loved every minute of it look very good i'll use it every time so let me go through the points bob you got points for poop relatable pets pink feet art you got three asterisk points cool cool you one the shoe round, one big burner, thick oven, not one, nine, plus dick oven, red, better, one dollar down, small print, fine print, fine print, and then one dollar or nine, nine, nine, nine, giving you a total of 11. seven points yeah baby mark you got points for oscars art i was not expecting an artsy episode so i gave you a point early on for doing some art for the oscars thank you you got a sniper point all right actual patoos nudes is that something we said at one point because i don't know what he was trying to write but that's something he wrote at one point actual patoos nudes yeah actual pictures i think i was saying oh pictures you got poto people poto people yep poto people point thank you uh zordon for making me remember the power rangers guy you were nice to me so you got a nice to me point i was nice to you yeah but it was right after you insulted me that he said something nice so i had to give him the point at that point fuck because you were mean right before the noun the dust as above so below point thank you now not fed day we want to make sure you all know it's not this is sounding like a lot of mark points we're not even into the second round yet we are well i gave him a lot of oscars points he had a lot of oscars uh there you go there you go yeah bob this might have been rigged against you from the start with the oscars oh god oh not one this was before bob's nine dick oven but not one not two not three dot dot dot but eight i drew a circle for stove sure green so it's good because that made me laugh surprise the noun ten side plugs power tower window you did well with the no verbs it at least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs and then fuck the noun came around fucking giving you 16 points right now you're like 16 to 11. 16 to 11 right now oh wow that feels pretty balanced he had a lot of oscars points it was a lot of small talk points hey i could go to the oscars too i was just taking it easy this week yeah that's fair you would have had a similar experience as me well next week when you go to the oscars do you get all the points for it i didn't realize that was going to be so worth so many points on this show i would have participated i wasn't expecting patoos newts and poto peepo well let's see how many pointless spins we can have today i bet it's gonna be one you know to be fair there are ways to completely manipulate this oh i thought it was gonna be one three spins well i like how the the wheel rewinds itself after he spit it was all like wait what happened oh my god it's not just playing words anymore because it's too much shit we officially got too many now it's just a mystery wheel oh so we won't even know what it is until it pops oh that's nice oh that's that's kind of exciting wait what are we adding all right i'm gonna add screwed from the start because bob i feel like today you might have been screwed from the start mark had so many points from the small talk you just you you didn't have much of a chance so you can have a script from the start point if it lands on it yeah if it lands on it interesting oh there they are wait i see them now oh wow they're so tiny what did they update this app what the hell it's never done this before now it scales the text size we lost part of our peas you do something to the winner all right all right spin number one well now the words are so small i can't fucking really tell anyway best mental image oh best mental image man i talked about a lot of dog poop baby throw up and dogs throw up made of dog poop i didn't even try and describe the smell i was just giving you imagery alone yeah but remember the angry guy with his dick out and all the the mr potato heads all those there was a lot of images i drew shoes you remember all the shoes i drew you did i don't know that i would call poop the best mental image even though your descriptions bob is always are amazing best is uh meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now not most pleasant most vivid that makes sense that that would mean that to you right now yeah right now that's what that means i'm just gonna go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent bob all right okay well that seems a little excessive just think of feday's face yeah remember mark's never gonna get invited to the oscars again man so that's not a mental image that's just an image it's not a mental image at all you're right but but it was the guy it was to guide people the listeners count this guy is dismissing the listeners spin number two whoa what happened i accidentally clicked twice i didn't know what was gonna happen i thought i might have deleted the whole thing for a second i thought you were just choosing where it landed now surprise golf rules whoa so it's just shocking bob gets six points who put that on there all right spin number two and i won't click it twice here we go most dread to participate oh man who is dreading participating in this game the most i can tell you we had st patrick's day dinner over at mandy's parents house tonight and i was exhausted because we haven't james uh has not had child care so far this week so it's been fun but i've just been hanging out with them all day uh monday and tuesday when normally i'd be doing like recording or streaming or whatever we had dinner and i was sitting there after we ate and i was just like i'm dreading dreading the recording because i'm so tired so like i just i legitimately said i think i'm dreading the recording because i'm so exhausted and mark was excited to share his oscars experience bob you know what you can have that one i can't argue all right bob just needs five points the tie six points to win i'm not out of it just five points the tie six points the win i'm not out of it just five points the tie six points the win i'm not out of it yet you just i stood the wheel rewinding itself it's really off-putting whatever update this app did i don't like it it's a little off-putting spin number three all right the third and final spin unless it's add two spins or it doesn't apply smallest violin point oh you know what well it's gotta go to bob eh yeah i gotta give that one to bob doesn't even matter who fucking cares it doesn't matter it's more stupid well i mean it affects the total points you have it doesn't oh okay well no i wouldn't want to not have more one more total point that'll save me it's a respectable 17 to 13. doesn't sound respectable i have a lot of respect for that i'm respectful about it are you in fact in my next episode i will make the entry for the wheel the most respectful there we go but if you don't go to the next episode you're gonna have to go to the next episode because that's how much i respect it i see bob you know what out of respect i'm even gonna let you go first with uh with the second place finish speech just give me a second here if i could just have the screen for a second of course uh i just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it this is this is today's episode this oh he's it's a three dimensional drawing just just it's like that goes down so this is mark on top there you go gold metal and down here yep three dimensions that's how dimensions work this is me normal-sized human me down here look my face may be sad and mark's face may be happy and i may have a silver medal around my neck but i think we can all see who the real winner is from this drawing it's a really good drawing it's a really good drawing it's a really good drawing it's a really good drawing for the listeners bob was somehow even though on the bottom step still twice the size of mark approximately four times as tall as mark based on the scale of my drawing which is lore accurate i think that's biblically accurate heights it's all your congratulations bob on being the real secret winner i suppose but mark the winner who counts in the standings congrats your winner speech thank you thank you thank you i would like to draw your attention to this drawing you may find this to be familiar right there's a baseball game happening is there there's a baseball game or is there a really angry ufo man with the green mustache the st louis arch where are we no there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man mcgee about to swing his baseball baseball bat it bad is sure this bat's wood yeah sure that's right that's wood and then there's a dude over here all like i'm gonna catch it here i'm gonna catch that what a stance he's squatting he's squatting he's squatting i put her here put her here he's got that wood glove and he's going like oh pow put it right there and then you know you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing he's about to hit him about the wood glass wow put an arm oh my god i can see why you're putting your arm in the air right okay he's gifted so you may know from bob's diagram yes this is me here standing upon my whoa i got a crunch apparently i thought it was just a third leg i thought you had a dick and one boob no no no here's my three-dimensional boxes and yes i may have to stand upon two of these boxes right and mayhaps bob does in fact uh uh have to stand on uh classic that's my classic hair but you know you know you know what in all honesty guess who's got more boxes because i got not one no Not two, not three, but I believe I have four more boxes. And there's other boxes over here because I have a total of 17 boxes. Wow, okay. And that's a box. And there's another box. I might have stepped on him. And Bob's not even using his boxes. How many does he get? He has 13 boxes. And I'd say that made all the difference for me to be able to see the baseball game. But we're equal. Well, I mean, are we? Yes, actually, we are. I don't know. Do you count Bob's straight up Marge Simpson's hairdo? Anyway, I just want to point that out. And then red for bad. And green for good. What the fuck? I don't even remember my own bits. Well, the points were done. They were done a while ago, boys, but great speeches. If I could just have the screen for a second. I just want to point out one thing. If you could come here with me, I just want to point out one thing. Why does he keep stealing my drawing? I just want to get this out here. If we draw, I'll not even cheat. If we draw a straight line across the top of the heads, and if we assume that green is in fact good and red is in fact bad, I think we can see. Whose hairdo just barely makes it into the green area in Mark's own drawing. Drawing. I rest my case. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bob, I got to give you the completely worthless after effects after speeches are done point there because you won that part. I did. You didn't have to tell me that. I know I won. It's clear. I'm even going to make a note. Speech winner. This was really an episode for the listeners. If there's ever been one. I hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the Oscars looked like. You have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like. Oh, they know what poop looks like. I need to think about that one. If you haven't already, go follow Bob, the art and poo master at my skirm. Go follow Mark. Not getting invited by back to the Oscars ever again. Never follow me. Bald at Minion 777 or Lord Minion 777. I do nothing that interesting. And I guess stay tuned for the next one. We have merch sometimes that distractible dot shop. Yes, there could be stuff there right now. There might be stuff there tomorrow. There might have been stuff yesterday. That's why you got to check all the time. We don't know. You don't know unless you look. Stay tuned for the next episode, which right now I think will be next week. We're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable, which is why we can have 10,000 extra things for. Uh, Sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in, like all of our lovely drawings today. And all of you listeners and watchers out there, please come back for the next one. We're begging you. We'll draw you on it. We'll draw ourselves on our hands and knees, but we're not going to show any of you with that picture until then. No. Shaq here. 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