Buy My Thing!

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Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer, new members only. BJ's. Home of the Save. Your vehicle doesn't just get you from here to there. It's a bridge to the people and places that matter most. It's how you show up for your family, your community, and everyone else that depends on you. That's why for 125 years, Firestone has been building tires with one thing in mind. To deliver products that are as reliable as you are. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This illustrated episode, Wiggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Balderdash Bob has his house communally pebble-dashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit. Masturbating Mark evades the red rug, draws snipers, tartypoos, dicks, and Zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings. From badger beards to rangemasters. He-he-he-he-he-hees. It's time for. "Buy My Thing." Now sit back and prepare to be distracted. And enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I am today's host because I'm bald. And bald people have rights too, I found out. Joined as always by my co-hosts, who say, "Hey, I'm the baldest dude in the world." Mark and Bob. "Hey, what's up?" "Hey, what's up?" "How's it going, my haired fellows?" "Feeling hairy." "Oh, hair-tastic." "Hair-credible." "Hair-rific." "Hair-rific?" "I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head and beard shaved that it's like, 'Please, please stay. Stay, little fella. Don't go.'" "Just gotta cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache." "I'm just gonna have this-" "I'm just gonna have this-" "Tiny little bit of beard." "Yeah." "It looks so bad." "It's just an outline of your lips." "I've always thought this was the best facial hair." "Call it my 'Extra Smoochers.'" "Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Wouldn't be a good look. I'd have a little bit of, like, a really terrible handlebar." "Anyway, if you've never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tuned into this specific episode, but this is the one you found. I'm not gonna explain the rules today 'cause I'm tired and I don't feel like it. We're gonna jump into small. We're gonna jump into small talk." "I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend, and it's so crazy 'cause we're doing one a week, so it's actually, like, this weekend was nuts." "Actually, stuff happened?" "Yeah, that's fair." "I guess, actually, when it comes out, it'll be last weekend, so, uh-" "So, Bob, do you wanna go first before I hand over the-" "Yeah, Bob, do you wanna-" "I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week. A record-" "I didn't know household records existed." "How many days-" "How many days have you ever gone with-" Uh, how do I phrase this? "Where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house? Our record is 10 in a row." "Wow." "I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats, so our record is specifically a cat." "Cats can count. Cats can count." "Yeah, Keter's stopped using his potty pads again, so we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but-" "A lot?" "It's been a minefield coming to my office it's been a minefield-" "Anywhere there's carpet, you never know anymore. Your feet will tell you for either one or two." "Lovely." "That sort of undercuts the dramatic storytelling I was building up there, but-" "No, please go ahead. It's not a fun tale for me." "Our house has been sick and Lexi is, I don't know, an idiot. And she, we can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore. I mean, she's not an idiot. She's old, is the problem. And she gets too anxious, so we can't leave her in her cage anymore. Or she poops, and then she eats the poops, and then she throws up poops, which is somehow worse than either individually." "Yeah, wait, ew. Yeah, that's not pleasant. That's, you know, mm-mm." "And then when she does that, she then proceeds to throw up for like the next 24 to 48 hours because it was gross, and which I have to give her credit for. I think that's the right call. I think I would throw up too." "Very gross, very gross." "There's an exciting thing that I'm gonna talk about that is exciting for me and other people." "Mm-hmm." "And I'm only shilling a little bit here. Did you know the Real Good AI, the nonprofit that was founded by Mark and run by my wife, is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it, though. Realgoodai.org/thescarytapes. Oh, because it's a AI horror writing competition. And the winners of the competition, are in some fashion going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and/performed in a way. Possibly by us or other voice actors, or that part's not set yet, but the winners win a cash prize. And also it'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary." "Scary stuff." "That sounds great. That sounds awesome." "So if you want to write a story, I think it's like, oh, seven to 10,000, a thousand words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. Look at the website, realgoodai.org/thescarytapes. I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realize this takes time and this thing just started. So no one's submitted any stories yet, but like I want. And I don't think I get to pick. I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read them, see what people have. - That's exciting. How many royalties do I get? As the creator of the original "The Scary Tape," I feel, you promote a fat 85%. - How much of the charity funds does Mark get to skim off the top? Come on. - Well, you fund the whole organization that's running it and you're a co-equal member of the show. And I mean, pretty much all of them, really, realistically. - So I could legally, ooh, wow. Sweet, good. - I'll talk, all my people will email your people, by which I mean, I'll email the lawyers and they'll tell me what's going to happen. - Mark's going to tell me what's going to happen. He's going to go to jail, which is going to happen. - Mark got a cease and desist and jail time, yay. - Yeah. - But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, I'm really excited about that. I'm focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories, please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish, puke-filled nightmare right now, so. Mark, your sound is like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. I want to hear it. - It was fun, I will not deny. Even more fun when I saw it, I saw headlines being written, especially by Hometown Cincinnati Inquirer, written by Bebe, Beebe, Beebe, Hodges? - Yeah, yeah, Beebe. - B-E-B-E Hodges, I am so sorry. - I love when Babe writes us some notes. - Hey, Babe. - Babe, Babe, Markiplier's at the Oscars. - This headline is so funny. Milford Grad gets lost at the Oscars, quote, "The whole carpet's red." Ah, man, you know, I hope, I had, oh, so funny. Yep, it just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be, the listeners are going to get mad the earliest they've ever been in a podcast. I am going to be, I'm going to be the first, I'm going to be the first, I'm going to be the first, middle finger okay out and let's say he thought that was his face is that his body in his hands it's top down that's the top of his head yeah it's top down he's a boy he's a ball he's really got a charlie he's got a charlie brown hair thing going on there you go now he was he was real mad that is not a hitler mustache now this is this is just a real google image search of hollywood boulevard right here okay anyway so i'm gonna take that back so we're in cars right so we're we're we're in our fancy uh uber black or you know whatever the lyft equivalent is we're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone uh so we're driving here and there's multiple checkpoints here right well actually let me make this different color so so what's crazy about is it was like heightened security i don't know if this is how this is always like this but there's like cops drive forward a full block sniper right there's a fucking guy holding a sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body to Jesus lying prone on the road yeah no he's on a he's on a vehicle this is this is another there's another roof of a van it's clearly a van yeah see it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk the tail anyway so we're driving along we go in stages right so there's a full block right this is a full block block yeah i'm with you there's swervy barriers literally puzzle style like this uh each time you go to checkpoint here you had to open the trunk this is the the trunk you know and then you had to pop the hood you know that's the hood there and the engine right pop the hood god yeah and then turn off the car and they had a dog walk around they had a little little goofy dog you know sniffing that dog have udders no it's on the prowl that's that's what it is on the prowl it's actually a tardigrade poodle mix it's called a poodle grade how's the car tail it would it would 100% be called a tardipoo wouldn't it i did i messed that up real bad depends on the mix if it's the father and the mother you know yeah no that's right it depends on the genealogy as a dad tardoodle tardoodle anyway so we finally get here um and uh so i'm gonna how do i do layers i'm out okay i'll hide in that layer i'm gonna hide here right yeah okay so we make it to the oscars through all the security right so the oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here and you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges so you got man listeners are seething i can't wait for bb to write another article it's like mark doesn't know how many legs the dog has listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they could start watching markiplier thinks cars have tails here's proving it oh yes yes so we have three lanes we get out we we go here there's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way it's like a narrow path that opens up like this right so we're walking uh me and amy we're walking in we're walking in we're walking in and then there's a series of gates here right so it's gates to check your badges to uh make sure no red carpet yet no it's red this is all red sorry red okay this is all red the red carpet is all red this is starts already got it yep it's red so it's all red carpet right everything's red like you're filming iron lung all over again exactly 100 you're with it you got it man you're the greatest host of our generation babe that's the name of the person who wrote that article she's not here no she's not here she's not here yeah anyway funnel back down like squeeze you know uh so we squeeze in here and then the actual red carpet is right over here actual i'm having a stroke that says actual it does sure yeah actual it was written in this weird font i couldn't read it this is where the problem started right i was like oh man so our journey is now funneling down into here and there were some nice people working that recognized me and said hi that was a lovely get in here so we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet this is how it's all laid out hey y'all kelly clarkson here with wayfair you know my favorite compliment during the holidays your house feels so cozy that's when i know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes grab more dessert and stay a little longer wayfair makes it easy with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials all in one place so whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend everyone feels right at home get holiday guests ready at wayfair.com or on the wayfair app today wayfair every style every home you know the poto people yeah yeah photo people sure sure so the way it works out is like we couldn't see this right there's a s bend and it kind of opens up probably actually i didn't even see it but i think it goes like that right so this is red car pet so this is it this is the main thing this is where the people be walking you know this is where the people are they all direct no no this is foots oh okay that guy is a huge dick look at those dicks the big dick energy in hollywood she is you got that here i'm sorry i just didn't know that that was a big dick energy in hollywood the top down view so i thought it was the head and then oh you didn't say bigfoot was there shit he was he was crazy you know who edits my videos was just at a bigfoot museum i didn't know i think actually it must have gone like this because i didn't see that happening so i think it actually was like this because i didn't see any of this there were three lanes of people here and there's a door right here right so we're about here we get in and then boom hello they're not this not to scale huge head this is like a wizard of oz head situation did they have mr potato head tiny eyes that's scary buck tooth no they're very nice so this this lovely person said mark oh and amy oh it's so good to see you we've been told to take really good care of you right i'm gonna pass you off to my associate who is literally right here hello they knew they knew they'd be here eventually on this they have their own tablet and they also were like oh hi mark we've been told to take really good care of you so we've gone like this is this is like 10 steps right she goes now well if you come with me there's a side path that we're gonna take you through right and i said oh well you know i don't usually like cutting lines i'm good to wait you know like no no no we've been told to take really really good care of you keep this guy off the red carpet got it i don't know if that's true but it did turn out that way let this guy nowhere near the red big foot's over there mark can't be over there so this door has no signs on it no label i don't even think it had a handle right there it's just it just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly i don't recall her opening it i don't i don't recall so it opens right it's very floppy door so hold on here it is a very floppy a floppy handle this door yeah well that would make sense it didn't have a handle yeah it might have opened the other way but i'm not gonna redraw it i don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it i don't know either but we're here so we go through here and wouldn't you know it it's also red carpet here and i'm like thinking hey this is all good you know why not yeah they want to get me to the front all you youtube's doing the treat me treatment you know i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that you know i'm really anyway there's another person another person they're very happy to see me it's the first person just in a mustache hello and then they're like this way they're pointing oh my god i would not follow that finger jesus christ they must have been real happy to see with a pointer like that so it's this way so at this point we're just like and she's telling us like hey don't worry there's like a photo you'll go to the stairs you can take photos and up at the top there's a photographer with next to oscar statues which we did get that picture and it looks very good um go this way right here to this other person who's right here still happy to see me you know oh no oh the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway mark this guy this guy was muscular by the way i don't know why that stands out to me but he's got muscles right i just appreciate that they're all bald i don't know i think that it looks like an okay symbol right it's okay go this way right there was another box here where there were people here um and they were taking pictures and and observing and i thought it was like a secondary poto people mini poto people this is how we missed walking the red carpet legitimately hi hi hi this way and we just took a look at it and we're like oh my god this is awesome and we're like oh my god this is awesome and we're like oh my god this is awesome and we're like oh my god this is awesome and we're like oh Like, right here, it funnels all back down. There's a slight turn here, and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater, where you go in there to the Oscars. So, we were escorted that way. So, is this one of those things where they, like, had, like, traditional superstar celebs walk outside, and because, like, or people that were nominated outside, or? We thought that, but no. All of the celebrities, they just go, I guess, through this door. All those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet. Yeah, so, yeah, all of the celebrities, all the nominees, they went this way, and we went this way. There weren't many people walking this way. I was going to say, who all went this way? It's, like, exclusively Mark. They're like, hmm. So, I'm not saying anything. There's no conspiracies here, but this is just. Did these people that were taking good care of you, were they like, oh, boy, hey, Mark, we're going to take you a real special way, pal. We are a movie, will ya? You know what? It might be. It might be. I can't say one way or another, but this is the truth. And so, what the funny thing is, and I'll try to draw. This is Fede, who works. He's, like, the head of movies at YouTube, who helped get me the invite. I'm going to try to draw his face when I told him I had somehow. I bet he's so excited. I had somehow missed the entirety of. The. The. Let's see. Let's try. Preemptively get these under there. Oh, he looks like me right now. What a happy, lively guy. I didn't know he was a South Park character. That's crazy. So, just after I told him that. Just. Hmm. Oh, he looks like the dude that eventually was in charge of the Power Rangers. Zorg or whatever his name was. Yeah. Okay. And I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure I might have seen him. I'm pretty sure I might have seen him. house? I think so. Houses have floors you've been talking about this last time i checked you have feet two of them which we're gonna make pink for some reason great this is your foot that's your foot that's your pink fleshy foot perfect and you know what walking around your own house and your own pink feet is delightful unless you have a cat that leaves little presents for you on the carpet i don't know how big keeters and shits are but we're gonna say this is one specially coagulated shit and you didn't even step on it you stepped into it your whole toes are now embedded in shit don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit yeah i really do don't you just wish someone had something that could do it for you defend you from this scenario happening over and over and over again because keeters as i know because my dog is very old keeters is just gonna shit wherever he wants yep and he wants to do it a lot and he wants to do it everywhere well that's why i'm here to tell you about shoes i have exactly what you need it does not matter what you step on asterisk as long as you're wearing shoes it cannot harm you it cannot make your toes have shit between them it cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life you'll be safe forever from the shit wherever keeters needs to go he's good he's covered you want to take care of your pets do you love keeters oh yeah then buy some shoes you don't have to answer because i know you do it means you need shoes it means you're gonna buy shoes it means you're gonna buy my shoes because i'm selling them right here right now and you need them that's it that's my pitch by the way if you don't buy shoes you hate keeters that's a hell of a pitch what a hell of a pitch too bad he doesn't make the rule man i'm ready all right mark you get to rebut you're trying to sell me uh-huh instead of shoes i need to get beans all right by the way some of these props may not be equal to the other me and the boys at 3 a.m looking for some beans hey don't sell it for me yeah sorry wait i'm doing your job yeah yeah all right well anyway uh since we're here you know i might as well i want you to look at this man this hungry hungry man yearning for success yearning for his prodigal son his favorite youtuber to ever amount to anything amount to a whole hill of beans right that's that has nothing to do with the rest of what i'm selling but that's pretty good right i made that up yeah yeah yeah anyway this man starving imagine this again the thing with the dust what the fuck is it called vacuum no with the the tie and the depression the dust bowl the great depression the dust bowl yeah the thing with the dust oh the vacuum or the dust bowl which one the dust right they survived the many depression by my beans man they ate them then they eat them now don't be like this guy buy my beans i don't want to deal with the dust i want the beans i want the beans i don't want to be like that guy how would you like to rebuy mm-hmm mm-hmm just one second just doing a little preparation here was he still selling shoes oh no i wish i can't reiterate enough if you want cat shit between your toes to buy beans i guess but mark did make one good point the great depression was bad the people in the dust bowl were sad except the one guy who had shoes see how hat wow it does not look like he has pupils right now he does have pupils that is not that's not what it looks like anyway he see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs because he's the one with shoes that could be you also these people's feet are all covered in cat shit man i hate to slam dunk bob like this but oh are we having a rebutt to the rebut may i have the screen three rounds as a fourth how could i say no i would like to present my rebuttal okay yeah i got so big have you heard of the expression as above so below i have now if i hadn't before okay so hold on all right this man may not have much i don't like what he does with the mouse did you say that um there we go it's fine we've averted disaster now would you ever take advice from someone fuck okay open your mind for this is okay all right all right you must remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom right okay if you buy his shoes your whole balance will be thrown off notice nothing up there look how bad this is gonna look if you if you listen to his advice no no oh how bad have i looked wearing shoes my whole life oh my god oh oh no oh suddenly everyone's going to be looking down here at your feet and they're not even going to notice your head also buy beans all right all right i don't know if i get another turn but i'm taking one i'd like to scream back that's all you got please all right we're going to press the fifth round our three round thing i just need to highlight one thing i don't know if it was clear we're back here great depression sad dust bowl very sad these people feet covered in shit no shoes this guy happy shoes no shit if you just zoom in and look really close oh no got what the sad people have in their hands now that is slander or libel it's written i think just sad because of the great depression they're sad because all they have is beans i rest my case that's like that artificial chick kind the chick with an apostrophe and chicken clearly that's b-e-a-n-z and not how i spelled it b-e-n-b-e-e-n-s the bens oh the bens i just looked at um i don't want to present you're actually gonna kill me i yield my time i have given an assortment of points this round which i wasn't intending to do but i had to however overall uh man that last photograph of the bean depression i just got to give the point to bob for the round but i don't know who got more points total during the round bob gets the round point also by beans didn't quite do it okay you countered bob real well the second time but you know what mark i see the vision you're not buying shoes you're looking for something to buy also buy beans they're actually completely separate product categories they're not mutually exclusive at all we're not even competing really okay bob you get to go first this time wait what didn't i just get to go first mark you get to go first this time okay i shouldn't have said anything i guess there were so many rebuttals i didn't remember where we started it was it was perfectly logical i'd like to screen please i'm going to draw about how i just went first yeah yeah yeah all right so mark you get to go first this time you're going to sell me um oven or stuff you came to the right guy if there's a guy that knows about having stoves let me stop sharing just in case no i don't even need to share all right unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like you know what let me guide you through it i look like the kind of guy who needs to know i understand you're the type of buyer that wants to know every in and out not like this poor piece of right here sorry today i've man this is no longer feday i want to i want to be very clear this is not feday wait what the they're here it's not oh not brown not in brown this is no stove having guy i'm not even gonna bother with the entry-level models you sir want the range master nine thousand right oh that sounds fancy i love the way you smell thank you let me give you a glance at this thing boom pow whoa what in the what it stops don't need that much does it like run out of paint what's happening this is limiting my artistic vision all right so you got the range master nine thousand all right so this bad mamba jamba of an oven not only has dual zone uh not only does it have dual zone ovens wow it's got not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven it's got a secret elbow burner right here keeps on your toes it's only for experts and you my friends seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise to keep you awake in the line of duty starting off at 99 999 wow that dot could be going anywhere man for trying to sell me something you sure picked the price i know right well that's just the range master 9000 look we accept clarna credit clarna don't use the watercolor brush it runs out man i'm pretty sold that thing has not one not two not three all the way up to a secret eighth burner sure i think no no that was right that was right no you're so right it definitely has eight burners i maybe lost count at some point oh no you were absolutely right there were eight burners instead bob you get to sell me what what does that mean what does that mean mark is to choose what you sell his round already went so his rebuttal he can't use any verbs oh so i can use verbs he can't use verbs wait why am i getting punished for this well you get to choose what he has to sell so you get to choose the item what but your punishment is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal what the fuck wow don't worry there's other ones on here that do things to the same person or other person all right he's also an oven salesman okay also an oven salesman oh man the poop shoes my friend here well he was really focusing on the stove he said there's a dual zone oven and then he went on and on about how many burners there were i am here to tell you about the of master 9001 shit which does have a burner and some knobs or whatever the fuck it has one big fucking burner on it how many burners do you need you need a thing that makes you but what this baby lacks in stove it makes up for in ovens she's girthy she's got legs and this bad boy has not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven not eight but a secret ninth dick oven right in the dead center of where you're gonna want to be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama yes it's a stove yes you can boil pasta on it but how many other ranges are gonna allow you to cook eight and one hot dog's worth of food and you're gonna want to be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this one so you can cook your masterpieces with this one so you can cook your Where else are you gonna get secret dick oven mark? Do you want to read but with no verbs? Oh, oh me me Side surprise. Oh the noun Oh Oven oven food runs. No out. Oh color out Six seven secret eight dual zone on side on the side Is not verb No verbs on the side got it. No. No is not isn't is a verb. I think so That's a verb the noun You've seen the fuck over there food heat Life love you hang that in our kitchen food heat life salt acid heat power not one plug plug No Not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven not eight Nine that's a sad plug ten plug. Wow power from from from power tower this out window this window window power tower wisdom Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. I know holiday magic starts at home and Wayfair makes it easy They have everything from Christmas trees and mantel decor to outdoor lighting and inflatables that I'll use year after year head to wayfair.com today Wayfair every style every home Oh Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Not coal oven Not coal oven Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh *laughter* Is "amp" verb? No, it's "amperage", isn't it? Or "amperes"? I don't know. 9002 AMP DELUXE GOLD EDITION! Oh, wow. After. steak. on. Two, two, two, two. Tick-tock. clock? Yup. It after two steak. clock. No, steak on. then. Then? Two. discount. Oh. Nine, nine, nine, nine. Wow, it got a lot cheaper. Please, you know. Please, you know, buy? Buy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll probably do that. No, by rule, that's the three rounds. Fuck the noun. Alright, if I could have the screen back for just one second. Okay, so since you're rebutting the rebut, I'm gonna make you also use no verbs. Good. Easy. This? One dollar. This? Mmm. Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine. One dollar. Me. You. Mmm. I feel like there are far less verbs than I thought there were, but I didn't want to risk it. Mark, I'm gonna give you that one. Oh, yeah! I love the one dollar price, but I'm smart enough to have heard the asterisk and the 72 months of $3,200 payments, or whatever it was. I started at $600 a month, I think. It's nine ovens. It is a lot of ovens. You could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't. The secret ninth dick oven. That is pretty good. Don't knock it until you've tried it. I've got so many prompts, but I'm just gonna save it for another day. We're gonna do more of these. Yeah, we'll do a sequel to this one. This is a fun one. I'm gonna have to get better at drawing in MS Paint. It's not a skill set I've ever developed. I was not expecting the four to five rounds. I was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds. That was a nice bonus. I gotta not use the watercolor. I don't know how that. No, it was perfect, and I loved every minute of it. The gray good. I'll use it every time. So let me go through the points. Bob, you got points for poop, relatable pets, pink feet art. You got three asterisk points. Cool, cool. You won the shoe race. Two round, one big burner, thick oven, not one, nine, plus dick oven, red, better, one dollar down. Small print, fine print, fine print. And then one dollar or nine, nine, nine, nine. Giving you a total of 11 points. Yeah, baby. Mark, you got points for Oscar's art. I was not expecting an artsy episode, so I gave you a point early on for doing some art for the Oscars. Thank you. You got a sniper point. - All right. Actual patoosnoots? Is that something we said at one point? I don't know what he was trying to write, but that's something he wrote at one point. Actual patoosnoots. Actual pictures, I think I was saying. Oh, pictures. You got poto-peepo? Poto-peepo, yep. Poto-peepo point. Thank you. Zordon, for making me remember the Power Rangers guy. You were nice to me, so you got a nice to me point. I was nice to you. Yeah, but it was right after you insulted me that he said something nice, so I had to give him the point at that point. Fuck. Because you were mean right before. The noun? The dust? As above, so below point. Thank you. Not feday. We want to make sure you all know it's not feday. This is sounding like a lot of mark points. We're not even in the second round yet. Well, I gave him a lot of Oscars points. He had a lot of Oscars. There you go, there you go. Yeah, Bob, this might have been rigged against you from the start with the Oscars. Oh, God. Oh. Not one. This was before Bob's nine dick of him, but not one, not two, not three, dot, dot, dot. But eight. And I drew a circle for stove. Sure. Green, so it's good. Because that made me laugh. Surprise the noun. Ten. Side plugs. Power tower window. You did well with the no verbs. At least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs. And then fuck the noun came around. Fuck the noun. Giving you 16 points. Right now you're up 16 to 11, 16 to 11 right now. Oh, well, that feels pretty balanced. He had a lot of Oscars points. It was a lot of small talk points. Hey, I could go to the Oscars, too. I was just taking it easy this week. Yeah, that's fair. You would have had a similar experience as me. Well, next week, when you go to the Oscars, you get all the points for it. I didn't realize that was going to be so worth so many points on this show, I would have participated. I wasn't expecting. Oh, no, it's in a photo people. Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today. I bet it's going to be one. You know, to be fair, there are ways to completely manipulate this. Oh, I thought it was going to be one three spins. Well, I like how the wheel rewinds itself after it was all like, wait, what happened? Oh, oh, my God. It's not just playing words anymore because it's too much shit. We officially got two. Money. Now it's just a mystery wheel. Oh, so we won't even know what it is until it pops. Oh, that's nice. That's that's kind of exciting. Wait, what are we adding? All right. I'm going to add screwed from the start because, Bob, I feel like today you might have been screwed from the start, Mark had so many points from the small talk. You just you didn't have much of a chance. So you can have a scrape from the start point if it lands on it. Yeah, if it lands on it. Interesting. There they are. Wait, I see them now. Oh, wow. They're so tiny. What did they update this app? What the hell? It's never done this before. Now it scales the text size. We lost part of our piece. You do something to the winner. All right. All right. Spin number one. Well, now the words are so small I can't fucking really tell anyway. Best mental image. Oh, best mental image, man. I talked about a lot of dog poop, baby throw up and dog throw up made of dog poop. I didn't even try and describe the smell. I was just giving you imagery alone. Yeah, but remember the angry. Guy with his dick out and all the Mr. Potato heads were all those. There was a lot of images. I drew shoes. You remember all the shoes I drew? You did. I don't know that I would call poop the best mental image, even though your descriptions, Bob, is always are amazing. Best is meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now. Not most pleasant, most vivid. That makes sense that that would mean that to you right now. Yeah. Right now, that's what that means. I'm just going to go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent, Bob. All right. OK, well, that seems a little excessive. Just think of Feday's face. Yeah, remember, Mark's never going to get invited to the Oscars again, man. So that's not a mental image. That's just an image. It's not a mental image at all. You're right. But but it was the guy. It was the guy in people's the listeners count. This guy is dismissing the listeners. It's been number two. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I accidentally clicked twice. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought I might have deleted the whole thing for a second. I thought you were just choosing where it landed. No surprise. Golf rules. Whoa. So it's just shocking. Bob gets six points. Who put that on there? All right. Spin number two and I won't click it twice. Here we go. Most dread to participate. Oh, man, who is dreading participating in this game the most? I can tell you we had St. Patrick's Day dinner over at Mandy's parents house tonight and I was fucking exhausted because we haven't. James has not had child care so far this week. So it's been fun. But I've just been hanging out with them all day. Monday, Tuesday, when normally I'd be doing like courting or streaming or whatever. We had dinner and I was sitting there after we ate and I was like, I'm dreading dreading the recording because I'm so tired. So, like, I legitimately said, I think I'm dreading the recording because I'm so exhausted and Mark was excited to share his Oscars experience. Bob, you know what? You can have that one. I can't argue. All right. Bob just needs five points to tie six points to win. I'm not out of it yet. I said the fucking wheel rewinding itself is really off putting. Whatever update this app did, I don't like it. It's a little off putting. Spin number three. All right. The third and final spin, unless it's add two spins or it doesn't apply. Smallest violin point. Oh, you know what? Well, it's got to go to Bob. Hey, yeah, I got to give that one to Bob. Doesn't even matter. Who fucking cares? Ten minutes. We're stupid. Well, I mean, it affects the total points you have. Doesn't it? Oh, OK. No, I wouldn't want to not have more. One more total point that will save me. It's a respectable 17 to 13. Doesn't sound respectable. I have a lot of respect for that. I'm respectful about it. Are you? In fact, in my next episode, I will make the entry for the wheel. The most respectful. There we go. Because that's how much I respect it. I see. Bob, you know what? Out of respect. I'm even going to let you go first with with the second place finished speech. Just give me a second here. If I could just have the screen for a second, of course, I just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it. This is this is today's episode. This. Oh, he's it's a three dimensional drawing. It just looks like that goes down. So this is Mark on top. There you go. Gold metal. And down here, you have three dimensions. That's how dimensions work. This is me, normal sized human me down here. Look, my face may be sad and Mark's face may be happy. And I may have a silver medal around my neck, but I think we can all see the real winner is from this drawing. It's a really good drawing for the listeners. Bob was somehow, even though on the bottom step, still twice the size of Mark, approximately four times as tall as Mark based on the scale of my drawing, which is lower accurate. I think that's biblically accurate heights. It's all your congratulations, Bob, on being the real secret winner, I suppose. But Mark, the winner who counts in the standings. Congrats. Your winner speech. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I would like to draw your attention to this drawing. You may find this to be familiar, right? There's a baseball game happening. Is there a baseball game or is there a really angry UFO man with the green mustache, the St. Louis Arch? Where are we? No, there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball. The bat, his bat is brown. His bat's wood. Yeah, sure. That's right. The bat's wood. And then there's a dude over here all like, I'm going to catch it. I'm going to catch that shit. What a stance. He's squatting, he's squatting, he's squatting. Put her here, put her here. He's got that wood glove and he's going like, oh, pow, put it right there. And then, you know, you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing. He's about to, about to whiplash. Wow, what an arm. Oh my, I can see why he's a pitcher. Right. OK. He's gifted. So you may know from Bob's diagram. Yes, this is me here standing upon my. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's just a third leg. I thought you had a dick and one boob. No, no, no. Here's my three dimensional boxes. And yes, I may have to stand upon two of these boxes. Right. And mayhaps. Bob does, in fact, have to stand on a classic. That's my classic hair. But, you know, you know, you know what? In all honesty, guess who's got more boxes? Because I got not one, not two, not three, but I believe I have four more boxes. And there's other boxes over here because we have I have a total of 17 boxes. Wow. OK. - That's a box. there's another box i might have stepped on him but and bob's not even using his boxes oh how many does he get he has 13 boxes and i'd say that made all the difference for me to be able to see the baseball game but we're equal well i mean are we yes actually we are i don't know do you count bob's straight up marge simpson's hairdo anyway i just want to point that out and then red for bad and green for good what the fuck i don't even remember my own bits well the points were done a while ago boys but great speeches if i could just have the screen for a second i just want to point out one thing i just want to point out one thing if you could come here with me i just want to point out one thing i just want to get this out here if we draw uh i'll not even cheat if we draw a straight line across the top of the heads and if we assume that green is in fact good and red is in fact bad i think we can see whose hairdo just barely makes it into the green area in mark's own drawing drawing i rest my case thank you i thank you thank you thank you oh bob i gotta give you the uh completely worthless after effects after speeches are done point there because you you won that part i did you have to tell me that i know i won it's clear i'm even gonna make a note speech winner this was really an episode for the listeners if there's ever been one i hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the oscars looked like you have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like oh they know what poop looks like i need to think about that one if you haven't already go follow bob the art and poo master at my skirm go follow mark not getting invited by back to the oscars ever again never follow me bald at minion77 or lord minion777 i do nothing that interesting and i guess stay tuned for the next one we have merch sometimes at distractible.shop yes there could be stuff there right now there might be stuff there tomorrow there might have been stuff yesterday that's why you got to check all the time we don't know you don't know unless you look stay tuned for the next episode which right now i think will be next week we're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable which is why we can have 10 000 extra things for uh sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in like all of our lovely drawings today and all of you listeners and watchers out there please come back for the next one we're begging you we'll draw you on we'll draw ourselves on our hands and knees but we're not going to show any of you with that picture until then if i could just have the screen for us hey y'all kelly clarkson here with wayfair you know my favorite compliment during the holidays your house feels so cozy that's when i know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes grab more dessert and stay a little longer wayfair makes it easy with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials all in one place so whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend everyone feels right at home get holiday guests ready at wayfair.com or on the wayfair app today wayfair every style every home tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save for just twenty dollars at bjs.com slash mesquite and save ten cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save