Buy My Thing!

Good evening, gentle listeners, or watchers, and welcome to "Destractable". This illustrated episode, wriggling way, greatest host of the generation, re-invents the wheels of commerce. Boulder-dash-bob has his house, communally pebble-dashed. The quest short stories, entrenching shit, masturbating mark evades the red rug, draw snipers, tarty poos, dicks and zordon, then gets dusty, with eight hot rings. From badger bids to rangemasters, it's time for "Buy My Thing". Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of "Destractable". I am today's host because I'm bald, and bald people have rights too, I found out. Join as always by my co-hosts, who similarly have to disagree with that. Mark and Bob! Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? How's it going, my hair and fellows? Feeling airy. Oh, hair-tastic. Hair-credible. Herific. Herific. I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head shined beard shaved, and it's like, "Please, please stay, stay little fellow, don't go!" She's got to cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache. I'm just going to have this tiny little bit of beard. Yeah, it looks so bad. He just said an outline of your lips. I've always thought this was the best facial hair. Call it my extra smutures. Oh. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't be a good look. I had a little bit of, like, a really terrible handle bar. Anyway, if you've never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tune into this specific episode, but this is the one you found that I'm not going to explain the rules today because I'm tired. I don't feel like it. We're going to jump into small talk. I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend, and it's so crazy because we're doing one a week, so it's actually, like, this weekend was nuts. Actually, stuff happened. Yeah, that's fair. I guess actually when it comes out, it'll be last weekend, so, uh. So Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the. Yeah, Bob, do you own her? I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week, got her record. I didn't know household records existed. How many days have you ever gone with, uh, how do I phrase this? Where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house. Our record is 10. In a row. Wow. Well, I've got a cat, you didn't mention cats, our record is specifically a cat. Cats can count. Cats can count. Yeah, Keter's stopped using his potty pads again, so we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but. A lot? It's been a minefield coming to my office. It's been a mine. Anywhere there's carpet. You never know anymore. Your feet will tell you for either one or two. Lovely. That's our undercuts to the dramatic storytelling I was building up there. No, please go ahead. It's not a fun tale for me. Our house has been sick and Lexi is, I don't know, an idiot, and she, we can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore. I mean, she's not an idiot. She's old. Here's the problem. And she gets too anxious, so we can't leave her in her cage anymore or she poops. And then she eats the poops and then she throws up poops, which is somehow worse than either individual. Yeah. Wait. Yeah, that's not, that's, yeah. And then when she does that, she then proceeds to throw up for like the next 24 to 48 hours because it was gross, and which I have to give her credit for, I think that's the right call. I think I would throw up too. Very gross. Very gross. There's an exciting thing that I'm going to talk about that is exciting for me and other people. And I'm only shilling a little bit here. Did you know the real good AI, the nonprofit that was founded by Mark and and run by my wife is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it though. Realgoodai.org/theSkaryTapes because it's a AI horror writing competition and the winners of the competition are in some fashion going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and to slash performed in a way, possibly by us or other voice actors or that part's not set yet. But the winners win a catch prize and also it'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary. Scary stuff. Sounds great. That sounds awesome. So if you want to write a story, I think it's like seven to ten thousand words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. On the website realgoodai.org/theSkaryTapes, I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realize this takes time and this thing just started so that no one's submitted any stories yet but like I want. And I don't think I get to pick. I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read it and see what people have. That's exciting. How many royalties do I get? As the creator of the original The Scary Tape, I feel I'm owed a fat 85%. How much of the charity funds does Mark get the skim off the top? Come on. Well, you fund the whole organization that's running it and you're a co-equal member of the show and I mean pretty much all of them, really realistically. So I could legally. Oh, sweet good. All my people will email your people by which I mean I'll email the lawyers and they'll tell me what's going to happen. It's going to go to jail, it's going to happen. Mark got a cease and desist and jail time. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, I'm really excited about that and focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories. Please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke filled nightmare right now, so Mark, you're sounded like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. I want to hear it. It was fun. I will not deny. Even more fun when I saw headlines being written, especially by hometown Cincinnati inquire written by baby, baby, baby, yeah, yeah, baby, baby, he Hodges, I am so sorry. I love when babe writes us some notes, babe, babe, babe, Markiplier's at the Oscars. This headline hell is so funny, Milford grad gets lost at the Oscars quote, the whole carpets red, man, you know, I hope I had, oh, it's so funny. Yep, it just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be the listeners are going to get mad the earliest they've ever been in an episode because I'm drawing things on the screen because I need to properly illustrate how this all went down. Are we getting a map of the Oscars? Yep, you're getting a map of the Oscar. Behold. Wow. Paint. So it's nothing right now. But hold on. I'm ready. I'm just going to love this one because I'm going to make them look at stuff later too. Yeah. It's all good. Okay. So first off, you have Hollywood Boulevard, right? So you got, you know, it's, it's holly, I don't know why I'm writing this out. Holly, you're good. Holly, woo, woo. I don't see enough sex shops to believe you. Okay. Here we go. XXXXX. Holly would style. You know what I mean? Thank God. The extra X. God dang. Wow. What? Drupal X. And then across the street, you know, they only got three and a half X's and they're a real mad about it. Hmm. The triple X slash. So and then there's this one guy that actually, this guy actually exists and he was a real mad. He was all like you, you bastards middle finger. Okay. Out. And let's say. Oh, that was his face. Is that his body? Yeah. The dick his hands. I like this. It's top down. That's the top of his head. Yeah. Stop down. You got a Charlie. It's got Charlie Brown hair thing going on. There you go. Oh, yeah. He was real mad. That is not a Hitler mustache. Now, this is just a real Google image search of Hollywood Boulevard right here. Okay. Anyway, so I'm going to take that back. So we're in cars, right? So we're, we're, we're in our fancy Uber black or you know, whatever the lift equivalent is, we're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone. So we're driving here. And there's multiple checkpoints here, right? Well, actually, let me make this different color. So, so what's crazy about is it was like height and security. I don't know if this is how this is always like this, but there's like cops drive forward a full block sniper, right? There's a fucking guy holding the sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body to do this lying prone in the road. Yeah. No, he's on a, he's on a vehicle. This is this is another. There's another. It's the roof of a van. It's clearly a van. Yeah. See, it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk tail anyway, so we're driving along. We go in stages, right? So there's a full block, right? There's a full BLOCK block. Yeah. I'm with you. There's swervy barriers. Literally. puzzle style like this. Uh, each time you go to checkpoint here, you had to open the trunk. This is the trunk, you know, and then you had to pop the hood, you know, that's the hood there and the engine, right? Pop the hood. God. Yeah. And then turn off the car and they had a dog walk around a little little boofy dog, you know, sniffing. That dog have otters? No, it's on the prowl. That's what it is on the prowl. It's actually a tardigrade poodle mix. It's called a poody grade. How's the car tail? It would 100% be called a tardipoo, wouldn't it? I bet you'd best that off real bad. It depends on the mix if it's the father and the mother, you know? Yeah. No, that's right. It depends on the genealogy, hasn't that? Tardoodle? Tardoodle. Anyway, so we finally get it, you're, um, and so I'm gonna, how do I do layers? I'm out. Okay, I'll hide in that layer, right? Now, okay, so we make it to the Oscars through all the security, right? So the Oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here and you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges. So you got, man, listeners are seething. I can't wait for BB to write to their articles. Like Mark doesn't know how many legs the dog has. Listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they can start watching. Markiplier, things cars have tails. Here's his artwork proving it. Yes. So we have three lanes. We get out. We, we go here. There's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way. It's like a narrow path that opens up like this, right? So we're walking, uh, me and Amy, we're walking in and we're walking in and we're walking in. And then there's a series of gates here, right? So it's gates to check your badges to, uh, make sure no red carpet yet. No, it's red. This is all red. Sorry. The red starts already. Got it. Yep. It's red. So it's all red carpet, right? Everything's red. Like you're filming iron long all over again. Exactly. Hundreds of year with it. You got it. Man, you're the greatest host of our generation. Babe, that's the name of the person who wrote that article. She's not here. No, she's not here. She's not here. Yeah. Anyway, funnel back down like squeeze, you know, uh, so we squeeze in here and then the actual red carpet is right over here. Actual foot. I'm having a stroke. That says actual. It does. Sure. Yeah. Actual pick toll. Actual but justness. It was written in this weird font. I couldn't read it. This is where the problem started, right? I was like, oh, man. So our journey is now funneling down into here. And there were some nice people working that recognized me and said, hi, I was a lovely getting here. So we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet. No, no, no, no. This sounds all laid out. Boom. Boom. Boom. Oh, toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe. People, you know, and the photo people. Yeah. Yeah. photo people. Sure. Sure. So the way it works out is like, we couldn't see this, right? There's a S bend and it kind of opens up. Probably actually, I didn't even see it, but I think it goes like that, right? So this is red car. So this is it. This is the main thing. This is where the people be walking. You know, this is where the people. Are they all direct? No, no, this is foot. Oh, there's a huge dick. Look at those dicks. The big dick energy in Hollywood. Yeah, the sea. She got. Oh, you didn't say big foe was there. She was. He was. He was crazy. You know, when it's my videos, we're just at a bigfoot museum. I know. I think actually it must have gone like this because I didn't see that happening. So I think it actually was like this because I didn't see any of this. There were three lanes of people here and there's a door right here, right? So we're about here. We get in and then boom. Hello. They're not this big. This is not the scale. He's like a wizard of os head situation. Do they have Mr. Potato head greeted you? Tiny eyes. That's scary. Buck tooth. No, they're very nice. So this, this lovely person said, "Mark, oh, and Amy, oh, it's so good to see you. We've been told to take really good care of you, right? I'm going to pass you off to my associate who is literally right here. Hello. They knew they knew they'd be here eventually on this. They have their own tablet and they also are like, "Oh, I, Mark, we've been told to take really good care of you." So we've gone like, this is, this is like 10 steps, right? She goes, "Now, well, if you come with me, there's a side path that we're going to take you through, right?" And I said, "Oh, well, you know, I don't usually like cutting lines. I'm good to wait." You know, like, "No, no, no, we've been told to take really, really good care of you." Keep this guy off the red carpet. Got it? I don't know if that's true, but it didn't turn out that way. Let this guy know where near the red big foot's over there, Mark can't be over there. So this door has no signs on it, no label. I don't even think it had a handle, right? It's just, it just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly. I don't recall her opening it. I don't, I don't recall. So it opens, right? It's very floppy door. So hold on here. It is a very floppy, a floppy handleless door. Yeah, well, that would make sense. It didn't have a handle, yeah. It might have opened the other way, but I'm not going to redraw it. I don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it. I don't know why they're there, but we're here. So we go through here and when you know it, it's also red carpet here. And I'm like thinking, hey, this is all good. You know, why not? Yeah, they want to get me to the front. All you YouTube's doing the treat me treatment. You know, I'm really, anyway, there's another person, another person is very happy to see me. It's the first person just in a mustache. Hello. And then they're like, this way, they're pointing. Oh, my God, it would not fall over your finger. Jesus Christ, they must have been real happy to see you with a pointer like that. So it's this way. So at this point, we're just like, and she's telling us like, hey, don't worry, there's like a photo. You'll go to the stairs. You can take photos there and up at the top, there's a photographer with next to Oscar statues, which we did get that picture and it looks very good. Go this way right here to this other person who's right here. We're still happy to see me, you know, the pointer finger link was a dead giveaway, Mark. This guy, this guy was muscular, by the way, I don't know why that stands out to me, but he's got muscles, right? I just appreciate that they're all bald. I think that it looks like an okay symbol, right? It's okay. Go this way, right? There was another box here where there were people here, and they were taking pictures and observing. And I thought it was like a secondary photo people thing. Mini photo people. This is how we missed walking the red carpet legitimately. Hi, hi, hi, this way. And we just buy the whole thing. And it literally all of this joins back up right around the corner, like right here, it funnels all back down. There's a slight turn here and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the usher. So we were escorted that way. So is this one of those things where they like had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside? And because like, or people that were nominated outside or he thought that but no, all of the all the celebrities they just go, I guess through this door, all of their fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet. Yeah. So yeah, all of the celebrities, all the nominees, they went this way. We went. There weren't many people walking. They all went this way. It's like exclusively marked. They're like, hmm, I'm not saying anything. There's no conspiracies here. But this is just these people that were taking good care of me. Where they like, oh boy, hey, Mark, we're going to take you real. I can't say what we're in other, but this is the this is a truth. And so what what the funny thing is and I'll try to draw this is fed a who works. He's like the head of movies at YouTube who helped get me the the invite. I'm going to try to draw his face when I told him I had somehow I had somehow missed the the entirety of of the the let's see, let's try he's preemptively get these under there. He looks like me right now. What a happy lively guy. I didn't know he was a South Park character. That's crazy. So just after I told him that he looked like the dude that eventually was in charge of the power rangers. Zorger, what a person he was. Yeah, okay. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure I might have seen a little bit of a tear. I look like if he opened his mouth, he'd be like, "God, jeez, Rick!" But he can't wait to invite you again after this depiction. And I remember him saying something along the lines of let's me type it out. I don't know why, but oh, man. Oh, the sizes would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess. Oh, it's so small! Oh, wait, no, it was fucking so small. Oh, it would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess. So I just zored on my heart, crush, zored on, that's his name. Oh, I wouldn't, of course, I can't edit that. That is how that looks now. Fuck, it's not fucking tadya's, whoa, it's, you've got it in something. Oh, I mean, good if the press knew you were here, here's how each a shot can't be. He, he, English isn't his first language, right? He's, he's from, he's not mine either. There we go. Okay, is that better, is that better for you? All right, I'm done. Yeah, I just want to get this right for the sister, the inquirer. That is a story of how I miss to the red carpet. So it wasn't your fault, the M&M's that you're the wrong one. I mean, yeah, very much. I damn blew Disney M&Ms. It really was a thing where I even said like, look, I'm good to wait. And then they looked at me like, and then I went, I guess I've never been here before. So you would know best, so I'll follow your lead. All right, through the door, let's get through the door. It weren't malicious at all. They were very nice. And they have those iPads because they have to memorize the faces and names of everyone that shows up there. And there must have been a big note by mine. Warning, this guy's from YouTube. Take really good care of him. You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie talkie was like, "Why the fuck is he still alive? What did you guys always do about there?" You just happened to survive. The sniper was just laying out, suntanning, hit it with the old Leslie Nielsen, like, "Oh, my shoe's untied." "Whoop, pooh, go straight over." Next year, I'll get him next year. I should just end the episode. I don't think any game I can do can compete with what we just witnessed. Oh, hey, we're only doing one episode a week. Might as well make it short and worse than they were before. Actually, all right. Well, I hope you all enjoyed Mark's Oscar episode. The Oscars themselves are very nice. I ate a lot of food there, but the rest of it was fine. I don't even know how this works. Are they all celebrities? Because it's in the Dolby, right? Which is a big theater, but it's not like it's 10,000 people or something. No, no, I think it's, like, max capacity is actually well. I don't even know what is a capacity. And then the Dolby, like, a couple thousand at most. Like, it's, like, a 1,800 cedar, isn't it? 3,400. So, yeah, we're in the mezzanine. The first level above the ground floor. All the celebrities are up in the front, like, bottom, the good seats. But we have good seats too. The majority of the people there are industry people, like producers, directors, the people that work in the post and the production side of it. The crews of those that were nominated, they just put the celebrities up in front. So, I was up there. I was actually sat next to Fed A and his wife. I hope I'm pronouncing his name correctly, because ever since I learned his name, I've kind of just one of, I've seen, "Oh, Fed A, how are you?" Hey, champ. I have totally misheard someone's name before and then just tried to mumble it to get away with it. I've been there where you're like, Christine, Christine. Hey, Christine, how are you? Hey, Crayola! Crayola, good to see you. I got, I hope you guys never run into babe from the Cincinnati acquireer. Probably BB? If I hadn't, it probably could be BB. Listen, babe. I mean, you know, I don't think we were mentioned at all, so Bob and I are probably safe. Yeah. That was the way you look and the way you just, I was like, "Kiano Reeves was in the room with me again." I don't know what I have that's giving very Kiano today. I don't even have my long hair anymore. It's something with the shirt, man. I don't know. This, that feels very, very Mr. Reeves. It's an iron lung t-shirt. Well, less so whenever I see the bottom. I guess it was just the really high neck top. Maybe I don't know. That's a cool shirt. Thanks. No one else can ever get it. Can we have one? No. Okay. It never got made. This is a prototype. You have an old design that didn't make the cut. So you're wearing garbage? Yes, I'm wearing a literal garbage. It's pretty cool. That sounds trendy. Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing. But I do have a game. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a game and I just call it by my thing. We can change the name later, of course. But right now, that's the, that's the prototype. I don't know if it'll be distributed. You guys might not be able to wear it. But Razov right now, that's the prototype I'm working on. One of you is going to get a prompt and it's going to be a thing that you're trying to sell to me. You want me to buy your thing. The next person will spin the wheel and they're going to try to get me to buy their thing instead and they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch, you know, whatever, rebut it. And then whoever the first person was will get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal and then I'll make a choice as to whose thing I'm buying. And that's that round. I know we're just getting into the game. But the last thing we did was my dice breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted. And I feel like while I was exploiting it, Mark was kind of just like. No, no, I got it. Bob, this guy can't even follow a red carpet, man. He's like, okay, it's like wheel fortune. Plus, generally, in the middle of it. Here's, I'll explain to you what I got from that. And you tell me how close I was. I'm sure you did on. You're going to spin a wheel, right? And in there are things. And we need to sell that thing to the opponent. You. You wait. And then it's going to spin again. And the other guy's going to rebut to the thing that I. They want me to buy their thing instead. I see, I see. Okay. So if I spin it, let's say it lands on broom, Mark's trying to sell me a broom and then Bob spends it against pizza. He wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom. I can only buy one thing. That's an easy one. But then Mark gets one more chance after Bob gets me to try to buy the pizza. No, no, no, listen, you still want the broom. And then I'll decide, we'll go again. I don't know how good this particular wheel is if I can remove things after they land on it. I also don't even know how to spin the wheel. So we're going to figure this out together. Sounds really well planned. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That is per usual from me. It's about as well planned as it ever is. It's actually great. I think it's going to be great. Thanks, man. I think it sounds really fun. Dude, I don't like the way you flip. I've heard about that. I would just say, I think it sounds great. I'm going to have a great time. This is going to be super fun. I think it's really fun. I don't know if I like that tone at all. The tone doesn't mean anything. Listen to the words. All that matters is the words I'm saying. I don't like the words. If the listeners have anything to go by, it doesn't matter what our faces say, it doesn't matter what our lips say. It's only the words. I guess tone does come into play for their ears. No, no. Lister's cat hear toke. You see tone. You're right. You see toke. I have synopsitonia. Bob your heads. Mark your tails. Whoever wins goes first. Heads. Bob, you guys go first in the first prompt. All right. Do you guys want me to spend twice in a row so you both know what you're doing? Or do you want me to just spend first pitch and spinning it? No, keep going. We got it. That feels like an advantage for the second person. I think you spin and then we have to just jump into it. All right, done. All right, first, hey, that actually spun it. Cool. I was looking at some of these things on the wheel. What is that? Bob, you want me to buy some shoes? Is there a time for this? Or do I just go? I didn't plan that far ahead, so obviously just go. Just because we're already here, I just want to paint the picture for you. All right, I'm with you. You live in a house. I think so. Houses have floors. You've been talking about this. Last time I checked. You have feet. Who have them? Which we're going to make pink for some reason. Great. This is your foot. That's your foot. That's your pink, fleshy foot. Perfect. And you know what? Walking around your own house and your own pink feet is delightful. Unless you have a cat that leaves little presence for you on the carpet. I don't know how big keyters as shits are, but we're going to say this is one specially coagulated shit. And you didn't even step on it. You stepped into it. Your whole toes are now embedded in shit. Don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit? Yeah, I really do. Don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from this scenario happening over and over and over again because keyters. As I know, because my dog is very old. Keyers isn't just going to shit wherever he wants. Yep. And he wants to do it a lot. And he wants to do it everywhere. Well, that's why I'm here to tell you about shoes. I have exactly what you need. It does not matter what you step on as to risk. As long as you're wearing shoes, it cannot harm you. It cannot make your toes have shit between them. It cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life. You'll be safe forever from the shit wherever keyters needs to go. He's good. He's covered. You want to take care of your pets. Do you love keyters? Oh, yeah. Then buy some shoes. Do you have an answer? Because I know you do. It means you need shoes. It means you're going to buy shoes. It means you're going to buy my shoes because I'm selling them right here right now. And you need them. That's it. That's my pitch. By the way, if you don't buy shoes, you hate keyters. That's hell of a pitch. Man, what a hell of a bitch. Too bad he doesn't make the rule man. I'm ready. All right Mark you get to rebut you're trying to sell me Uh-huh instead of shoes I need to get By the way some of these props may not be equal to the other Me and the boys at 3 a.m. Looking for some Hey, don't sell it for me. Yeah, sorry wait. I'm doing your job. Yeah, yeah, all right Well anyway, uh since we're here, you know, I might as well Aren't you the look of this man? This hungry hungry man yearning for success yearning for his prodigal son his favorite youtuber to ever amount to anything amount to a whole hill of beans, right? That's that's nothing to do the rest of what I'm selling, but that's pretty good, right? I made it up Anyway, this man starving imagine this again the thing with the dust. What the fuck is it called? Vacuum no with the the tie and the depression the the dust bowl the great depression the dust bowl The thing with the dust The man the dust right they Survived the many depression workers buy my beans man They they them then they them now don't be like this guy buy my beans I don't want to do it the dust. I want the beans. I want the beans. I don't want to be like that guy Would you like to read This one second just in operation here. Was he still selling shoes? Oh no. I wish I can't read it right enough if you want catch it between your toes to buy beans. I guess but Mark did make one good point The great depression was bad The people in the dust bowl were sad except the one guy who had shoes See how wow it does not look like he has pupils right now. He does have pupils that is not That's not what it looks like anyway He's see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs because he's the one with shoes That could be you Also, these people's feet are all covered in catch it Man, I hate to slam dunk Bob like this, but oh are we having a rebut to the rebut man? I have the screen Three rounds has a fourth now. Could I say no? I would like to present My rebuttal I got so big have you heard of the expression as above so below I have now if I hadn't before okay, so hold on all right This man may not have much If I don't like what he doesn't have the mouth as you say that Uh-huh There we go. It's fine. We've have heard a disaster now would you ever take advice from someone Fuck okay, open your mind for this is okay all right All right Ha You must remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom right okay if you buy his shoes your whole balance will be thrown off notice Nothing up there look how bad this is gonna look if you if you listen to his advice No, oh bad if I looked wearing shoes my whole life. Oh my god Yeah, suddenly everyone's gonna be looking down here at your feet and they're not even gonna notice your head Oh so by beans All right, all right, I don't know if I get another shirt about I'm taking one. I'd like to scream All right, we have an impressive fifth round there three round thing. I just need to highlight one thing I don't know if it was clear. We're back here great depression said dustful very sad These people feet covered in shit. No shoes. This guy happy shoes. No shit if you just zoom in and What the sad people have in their hands now that is slender Or like it's written nice and just sad because of the great depression They're sad because all they have is beans. I rest my case. That's like that artificial chick kind the chick with an apostrophe and chicken chicken Clearly that's B-E-A-N-Z and not how I spelled it B-E-N-B-E-E-E-N-S The bans? Oh the bans I just looked at uh, uh, uh, I don't want to present You're actually gonna kill me. I yield my time. I have given an assortment of points to this round Which I wasn't intending to do, but I had to however overall Man that last photograph of the bean depression. I just got to give the point to Bob for the round But I don't know who got more points total during the round Bob gets the round point also by beans didn't quite do it You know what Mark? I see the vision you're not buying shoes you're looking for something to buy also by beans They're actually completely separate product categories. They're not mutually exclusive at all. We're not even competing really Okay, Bob you get to go first this time. Wait what? Tonight just gets to go first Mark you get to go first this time Okay, I shouldn't have said anything. I guess There were so many rebuttals. I didn't remember where we started It was it was perfectly logical. I'd like to screen please. I'm gonna draw about how I just went first Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right So Mark you get to go first this time and you're going to sell me? I'm oven or stuff You came to the right guy if there's a guy that knows about having stoves. Let me at least stop sharing just in case No, I don't even need to share all right unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like you know what? Let me guide you through it I look like the kind of guy who needs to know. I understand you're the type of buyer that wants to know every in and out Not like this poor piece of shit right here sort of the day. I'm man. This is no no longer fed a I want to I want to be very clear. This is not fed a wait what the fuck they're here. It's not oh not brown Nothing brown There's a no stove having guy. I'm not even going to bother with the entry-level models you sir want the range master 9,000 right. Oh, that sounds fancy. I love the way you smell Thank you. Let me give you a glance at this thing boom pow Fuck It stops It's like run out of paint. What's happening? What the fuck an arrest is this? Is it limiting my artistic vision? Yeah, there you go. Wow. All right, so you got the range master Thousand all right, so this bad mamba Jamba of an oven not only has dual zone Uh Not only does it have dual zone ovens? Wow. It's got not one Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven. It's got a secret It's only for experts and you my friends seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise To keep you awake in the line of duty starting off at 99 99 Wake Wow, that dot can be going anywhere May for try to sell me something you should pick the price. Yeah, I know, right Well, that's just the range master 9,000 look we accept clarner Oh Credit clarner don't use the watercolor brush runs out Haha I'm pretty sold that thing has not one not two not three all the way up to a secret eighth burner. Sure. I think No, that no, that was right. That was right. No, you're so right. It definitely has eight burners I'd buy maybe lost count at some point. No, you're absolutely right. There were eight burners Instead Bob, you get to sell me What does that mean Marcus to choose what you sell he's around already went so his rebuttal he can't use any verbs Oh, so I can use verbs so he can't use verbs. Wait, why am I getting punished for this? No, you get to choose what he has to sell so you get to choose the item What but your punishment is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal Wow, don't worry. There's other ones on - Go on here that do things to the same person or other person. - All right, he's also an oven salesman. - Okay, also an oven salesman. Oh man, the poop shoes. - My friend here, well, he was really focusing on the stove. He said there's a dual zone oven, and then he went on and on about how many burners there were. - I am here to tell you about the of master 9,001. - Shit, which does have a burner, and some knobs or whatever the fuck. It has one big fucking burner on it. How many burners do you need? You need a thing that makes you, but this baby lacks in stove. It makes up for an ovens. She's girthy, she's got legs, and this bad boy has not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, but a secret 9th dick oven right in the dead center of where you're going to want to be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama. Yes, it's a stove. Yes, you can boil pasta on it, but how many other ranges are gonna allow you to cook eight and one hot dog's worth of different dishes all at one time? That's right, this is the of master 9,001. I'm gonna put it in red so that it seems good, better than green. It starts at $1 down and $3,600 a month for the next 72 months. It's in the fine print of the country. $1, here I'll fancy that one, and I'll give you a double dollar sign. Asterisk. What a rebuttal. Where else are you gonna get a secret dick oven? Mark, do you wanna rebut with no verbs? Oh, oh, me, me, yeah, I hear. Side, surprise. Oh, the noun. A surprise. Oh, oven, oven, food, it runs no out. Oh, color out, one, two, three, four, four, six, seven. Secret eight, dual zone, on the side, on the side, is not verb, no verbs on the side, got it? No, no, is not, isn't, is a verb. I think so. Right, that's a verb, the noun. You see the fuck over there? Food, heat, life, love. He's hanging out in our kitchen, food, heat, life. Salt acid, heat, power. Not one, plug, plug. No, how plug, not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine. That's a sad plug. 10 plug, wow, power from, from, from power, power. This out window, this window, window, power, tower, wisdom. Oh, oh, God. Here, fuck. Thanks. Not cool oven. Fuck. The noun. Not cool oven, fuck, the noun. 9,000 to vote. No, that don't matter. Am. Is Am. Fuck. No, it's amperage, isn't it, or am peers? I don't know. 9,000 to amp, deluxe, gold edition. Oh, wow. After steak on. To to to take talk, lock. Yep. It after to steak clock. No, steak on then, then, then, to this count. Oh, 9,000,000. I got a lot cheaper. Please, you know, please, you know, buy, buy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, buy me do that. Now, buy rule, that's the three rounds, fuck the noun. All right, if I can have the screen back for just one second. Okay. So since you're rebutting the rebut, I'm going to make you also use no verbs. Good. Easy. This one dollar. This. I would. 9,000,000. Mm. 9,000,000,000. One dollar, me, you, mm. I feel like there are far less verbs than I thought there were. But I didn't want to risk it. Mark, I'm going to give you that one. Oh, yeah. I love the $1 price, but I'm smart. I've heard the asterisk in the 72 months of $3,200 payments or whatever it was. I started $600, Mark, I'm like, it's nine, nine ovens. It is, it is a lot of ovens. You could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't. The secret ninth dick oven. That is pretty good. Don't knock it till you've tried it. I've got so many prompts, but I'm just going to save it for another day. We're going to do more. Yeah, we'll do a sequel of this. Well, this is a fun one. I'm going to have to get better at drawing an MS paint. A skill set I've ever developed. I was not expecting the four to five rounds. I was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds. That was a nice bonus. I've got to not use the watercolor. I don't know how that was. No, it was perfect that I loved every minute of it. Great. Good. I'll use it every time. Let me go through the points. Bob, you got points for poop, relatable pets, pink feet art. You got three asterisk points. Cool. Cool. You won the shoe round, one big burner, thick oven, not one, nine plus dick oven, red, better. $1 down, small print, fine print, fine print, fine print, then $1 or $9, 9, 9, 9. Giving you a total of 11 points. Yeah, baby. Mark, you got points for Oscar's art. I was not expecting an artsy episode, so I gave you a point early on for doing some art for the Oscars. Thank you. You got a sniper point. All right. Actual, puttuzed notes? Is that something we said at one point because I don't know if that is. I don't know what he was trying to write, but that's something he wrote at one point. Actual pictures as they go saying, oh, pictures. You got poto people? Poto people. Yep. Poto people point. Thank you. Sornon for making me remember the Power Rangers guy. You were nice to me, so you got a nice to me point. I was nice to you. Yeah, but it was right to you and salted me that he said something nice, so I had to give him the point at that point. Fuck. Because you were mean right before. The now. The dust. It's above so below point. Thank you. Not fed day. Want to make sure you all know it's not fed here. This is something like a lot of mark points when I even the second round yet. We are good. Well, I give him a lot of Oscars points. He had a lot of Oscars. I guess I go. Yeah. Bob, this might have been rigged against you from the start with the Oscars. Oh, God. Oh. Not one. This is before Bob's nine. Dick of it. Not one. Not two. Not three. Eight. I drew a circle for stove, sure, green, so it's good. That made me laugh. Surprised the noun, 10 side plugs, power, tower, window. You did well with the no verbs. It was at least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs and then fuck the noun came around. Fuck the noun. Giving you 16 points right now, 16 to 11, 16 to 11 right now. Oh. Well, that feels pretty balanced. He had a lot of Oscars points. It was a lot of small talk points. Hey, I could go to the Oscars too. I was just taking it easy this week. Yeah, it's fair. You would have had a similar experience with me. Well, next week when you go to the Oscars, you get all the points for it. I didn't realize that was going to be so worth so many points on this show or I would have participated. I wasn't expecting Patu's newts and a poto people. Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today. I bet it's going to be one. You know, to be fair, there are ways to completely manipulate this. I thought it was going to be one. Three spins like how the wheel rewinds itself after it was all like Wait, what happened? Oh my god, it's not just playing words anymore because it's too much shit We officially got too money now. It's just a mystery wheel Oh, so we won't even know what it is until it pops. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's that's kind of exciting. Wait, what are we adding? All right, I'm gonna add Screwed from the start because Bob, I feel like today you might have been screwed from the start Mark had so many points from the small talk You just you didn't have much of a chance. So you can have a screw from the start point if it lands on it Yeah, if it lands on it interesting there. Wait, I see him now. Oh, wow. They're so tiny What did they update this app? What the hell is never done this before now? It scales the text size We lost part of our piece. You do something to the winner. All right, all right spin number one Well now the words are so small. I can't fucking really tell anyway Best mental image. Oh best mental image man. I talked about a lot of dog poop baby throw up and dog throw up made of dog poop I didn't even try to describe the smell. I was just giving you imagery alone Yeah, but remember the angry guy with his dick out and all the the Mr. Potato heads where are all those there was a lot of images. I drew shoes You remember all the shoes I drew you did I don't know that I would call poop the best mental image even though your descriptions Bob is always are amazing best I think is the meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now Not most pleasant most vivid that makes sense that that would mean that to you right now. Yeah right now That's what that means. I'm just gonna go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent, Bob. All right Okay, well that seems a little excessive Just like a fed-ass face. Yeah, remember Mark's never gonna find the Oscars again, man So that's not a mental image. That's just an image. It's not a mental image at all. You're right But but it was the guy it was the guy people so the listeners count this guy kid is dismissing the listeners Spin number two whoa Actually clicked twice. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I thought I might have deleted the whole thing for a second I thought you were just choosing where it landed now surprise golf rules. Whoa. So he's shocking. Bob gets six points You put that on there All right, spin number two and I won't click it twice. Here we go Most dread to participate. Oh, man. Who was dreading participating in this game the most I can tell you we had Sea Patrick's Day dinner over at Mandy's parent's house tonight. I was talking exhausted because we haven't James Has not had child care so far this week. So it's been fun But I've just been hanging out with them all day Monday Tuesday when normally I'd be doing like Cording or streaming or whatever We had dinner and I was sitting there after we ate and I was just like I'm dreading dreading the recording because I'm so tired So like I literally said I think I'm dreading the recording because I'm so exhausted And Mark was excited to share his Oscar's experience Bob. You know what you can have that one. I can't argue All right, Bob just needs five points the tie six points to win. I'm not out of it yet You get I said the fucking we don't rewinding itself. It's a really off putting it whatever update this app did I don't like it. It's a little off putting spin number three All right, the third and final spin unless it's add two spins or doesn't apply Smallest violin points. Oh, you know what? Well, it's got to go to Bob. Hey Yeah, I gotta give that one to Bob doesn't even matter who fucking cares 10 minutes worth stupid Well, I mean it affects the total points you have doesn't oh, okay I wouldn't want to not have more one more total point that will have saved me It's a respectable 17 to 13 and sound respectable. I have a lot of respect for that. I'm respectful about it Are you in fact in my next episode I will make the entry for the wheel the most respectful? Mm-hmm there we go because that's how much I respect it. I see Bob, you know what out of respect. I'm even gonna let you go first with the with the second place finish speech Let's give me a second here if I could just have the screen for a second I just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it This is this is today's episode This oh he's it's a three-dimensional drawing just just Like that goes down. So this is mark on top. There you go cold metal and down here Yep, three dimensions. That's how dimensions work. This is me Normal size human me Down here. Look my face may be sad and marks face Maybe happy and I may have a silver medal around my neck But I think we can all see who the real winner is from this drawing It's a really good drawing for the listeners Bob was somehow even though in the bottom step still twice the size of mark What approximately four times as tallest mark based on the scale of my drawing Which is lower accurate, I think that's biblically accurate heights All your congratulations Bob on being the real secret winner I suppose but mark the winner who counts in the standings congrats your winner speech Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I would like to draw your attention to this drawing You may find this to be familiar, right? There's a baseball game happening. Is there? baseball game Or is there a really angry UFO man with the green mustache the St. Louis arch? Where are we and no there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball bat It bads around that's wood. Yeah, sure. I bet it's wood and then there's dude over here all like I'm gonna catch it He's squawking he's squawking he's squawting that putter here. He's got that wood glove And he's going like oh, pal put it right there and then you know you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing He's about to about a whiplash I can see why he's a pitcher Right, okay, he's gifted so you may know From Bob's diagram. Yes, this is me here standing upon my Oh It's just a third leg. I thought you had a dick and one boob No, no, no, here's my three-dimensional boxes and yes, I may have to stand upon two of these boxes, right? And may Haps Bob does in fact Have to stand on Classic, that's my classic hair, but you know, you know, you know what in all honesty Guess who's got more boxes because I got not one not two Not three, but I believe I have four more boxes and there's other boxes over here because we have I have a total 17 boxes Wow, okay, and that's a box and there's another box. I might have stepped on him But in Bob's I've been using his boxes. Oh, how many's he get he has 13 boxes Oh, and I'd say that made all the difference for me to be able to see The baseball game, but we're equal Well, I mean are we yes, actually we are I don't know do you count Bob's straight-up Marge Simpson's hairdo or anyway, I just want to point that out And then red for bad and green for good what the fuck I don't even remember my own bits Well, the points were done a while ago boys, but great speeches if I could just have the screen for a second I just want to point out one thing. I just want to point out one thing if you could come here with me I just want to get this out here It's gonna if we draw all I'll not even cheat if we draw a straight line Across the top of the heads and if we assume that green is in fact good and red is in fact bad I think we can see who's hairdo Just barely makes it into the green area in marks own drawing Hmm drawing I rest my case. Thank you. I thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh Bob I got to give you the completely worthless after effects after speeches are done point there because you you won that Part I did you have to tell me that I know I won. It's clear. I'm even gonna make a note speech Winner. This was really an episode for the listeners if there's ever been one I hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the Oscars looked like You have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like. Oh, they know what poop looks like I need to think about that one. If you haven't already go follow Bob the art and poo master at my scrim Go follow Mark not getting invited by Back to the Oscars ever again never follow me bald at minion77 Lord minion7777 I do nothing that interesting and I guess stay tuned for the next one. We have merch sometime times at distractable.shop? Yes. There could be stuff there right now, there might be stuff there tomorrow, there might have been stuff yesterday. That's why you gotta check all the time. We don't know, you don't know, unless you look. Day 10 for the next episode, which right now, I think it'll be next week. We're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable, which is why we can have 10,000 extra things for Sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in, like all of our lovely drawings today. And all of you listeners and watchers out there, please come back for the next one. We're begging you. We'll draw ourselves in our hands and knees, but we're not gonna show any of you with that picture. Until then. - If I could just have the screen for a second. - No, go. (upbeat music)