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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This episode, building community. Communication channels with children. I want to address the very topic of how do we build these channels in the first place. Now, you'll know if you're a regular listener to the podcast, or maybe you've listened to the odd one or two. I talk a lot about part of the challenges that we might be addressing, whether that's bedtime, managing tech, confidence, anxiety. As part of the sort of tips and strategies that I give you, I often have a strategy about having, you know, a conversation with your child. Now, what happens though, if you've got a particular challenge that you want to support your child or your teen with, but they just won't or don't communicate with you? How can you build a relationship where communication works so that you can help and support them? And that's what this episode is all about. So, it's for anyone who's listened to episodes and felt that they've been unable to act fully, on the advice that I've given, as they just can't get their child or teen to talk, to open up, to trust them, or any part of that aspect. So, it may be that this episode is really helpful because you've got really young children and you want to make sure that you put the foundations in. It may be you've got a good relationship, but they don't always talk to you. Or it could be that you're looking at repairing a relationship where there just is not any form of communication that is happening. So, I've got six sort of broad areas that I want to talk about. And in the first one, there's quite a few little bits to this. So, the resource that will accompany this podcast episode will have quite a lot of detail so that you can kind of keep a cross-reference. You can go back, you can annotate. And of course, the free resource is available to you to print off if you want to before you listen to the podcast episode so that you can then annotate it. And so, where you need to go is the resource library. So, it's drmaryhand.com forward slash library. You pop in your email address. We'll send you a link. You can download it, this resource, and then all of the others. And so, you might find, particularly for this episode, it's quite useful to make some notes. So, either on the free resource or in a notebook. We also have How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast notebooks. For sale on Amazon, which we will have a link also in the show notes if you want to do that. So, let's dive in. So, I'm going to pick six broad areas. The first one is crucial. If you want to build, repair, create, encourage communication with your children or teens, the first thing you've got to do is you've got to practice good communication skills yourself. If we want children to open up, if we want to keep those channels open, we need to be modelling and practising these skills ourselves. I've got ten here. There are countless more, but these are the ten that kind of came into my head when I was thinking about it. So, the first one is we need to actively listen. I say this quite passionately because I am, as you all know, a reforming fixer and a reforming problem solver. And active listening goes against every grain within me, naturally, because naturally when I'm listening to things, because I'm so desperate to solve, because I'm so desperate to fix, to offer solutions, when you are doing that, when you're listening to somebody, I can tell you now you're not actively listening. You're listening to give an answer. You're listening to solve a problem. Active listening is where you listen with a sole focus of trying to understand and be capable of reflecting back. Which is what number two is. So, it's the sort of listening that we would have done in school, at university, in college, on a course. Whatever it is that you did where you really tried to listen in order to be able to understand and to be able to communicate back. So, that is active listening. We need to be listening to our children so that we truly hear what they say and we hear not just the words, but the intonation. But their non-verbal cues. But all of the stuff that they're not saying and all the subtleties that are around it so that we can then do number two, which is reflect back what we've. And I've put heard in sort of inverted sort of marks because on the basis of what we think we've heard. So, we might say to our child or teen, so what I think I'm hearing is that you and Betsy had a big falling out and the way that she spoke to you and the things that she said made you feel that she doesn't respect you, for example. Yeah? Is that right? So, what you're doing is you're actively listening on that basis of truly trying to understand and see things through your child's lens. You reflect back to check that what you've heard is correct and then that kind of already begins that communication loop. So, active listening, reflecting back, turn-taking, yeah? It's this whole. Do you remember that kind of conversation you've got? You've got one mouth and two ears. So, it's this idea that we should be. We can speak, we can talk, but we also need to listen. And it's that taking it in turns, letting them speak, us speak, and that kind of backwards and forwards rather than either of you ending up with this huge monologue. The fourth one is about noticing the non-verbal cues. So, basically, this is anything and everything that isn't said with words. The way their facial expressions are, the way that they carry their body, the intonation, the volume of their voice, the pitch, all of the things that are not the words because that speaks volumes. And we've all had that situation where we've tried to have a conversation and someone said, I'm fine, yeah? The words, I'm fine, we've picked up on the intonation. It doesn't sound like you're fine. Actually, your body language is also not telling me. It's screaming. You're not fine. Now, we might not paraphrase that back in exactly that way, and we have to be mindful how we have those communications, but we might paraphrase back. We might reflect back. I'm hearing you saying to me that you're not fine, but just the way that you're holding yourself sort of suggests to me that actually this has really affected you. It's really upset you. So that we're reflecting back in a slightly different way, but one that isn't confrontational, so we're actively listening, we're reflecting back, we're turn-taking, we're noticing those non-verbal cues. The fifth one is about respecting boundaries. And this isn't about boundaries in the typical sense, but just letting our children and our teens know that we're there when they're ready to talk. So respecting their boundaries when they don't want to talk about something, when they're being closed and not pushing when they're clearly not ready to talk. ready to talk or not willing. For some children, children and some teens, particularly where a relationship has broken down, or they're just not that kind of child that comes and debriefs you on everything. Those children and teens, often it's almost like a drip, drip, drip effect. So we just have to let them know, I can tell that something's not quite right. You don't look your normal, happy self. And I don't want to pry if you're not ready to talk to me. I just want you to know that I'm here with no judgment. If you need to talk, I'm here. So that we're not like, something's clearly not right. Come on, you need to talk to me. It's much better that you're out about these sorts of things. It's not good to hold onto things. You may have a child or a teen that's just not ready to communicate that, or that puts a huge amount of pressure on them, or they haven't quite formulated in their mind what the problem is. So it's much better to just drip. I can see that something's not quite right. I don't want to pry if you're not ready to talk. I just want you to know that I'm here. So we do that. And if we do that regularly enough, then over time, they'll begin to communicate. So respecting boundaries. Number six is using language around, I noticed that. I use this quite often as a way of introducing difficult conversation. I noticed that when you came home yesterday, you were really upset. I noticed that you were due to come back with Shelley today and you didn't, if you want to talk about it. So using, I noticed that in lots of different ways can be really helpful in terms of good communication skills, because I noticed that as observational, it's based on something that we have actually tangibly objectively seen rather than a subjective. I think that there's a problem. So that can be really, that could be quite a powerful three word intro into something. So active listening, reflecting back. What we've heard, turn taking, noticing nonverbal cues, respecting boundaries, using, I noticed that. And then when we are speaking, I've got a, I've got a few things that we ought to keep in mind. The first one is just get to their eye level. So for younger children, that's squat down, kneel down, get to their eye level. But it can also mean for older children who might be seated, bring yourself down to the level that they're at, but just we're much more likely to be able to have, keep those communication channels going and have those conversations when we're at their eye level. Now, I am not saying that we should always maintain eye contact. That's often in lots of adult literature around communication and getting the best out of teams or persuading people. With children who are not communicative, who are not ready to communicate or who struggle to find their words, eye contact can actually be detrimental because it places an extra layer of pressure. It's almost rabbits caught in headlights. So in those scenarios, read the room, read the situation, and often you're much better side by side. Hence why walking, chopping vegetables, doing something together next to each other can be really useful at kind of creating and bringing those conversations together. So eye level, but not necessarily eye contact. The next one is don't speak. Try and have conversations when your back is to them. And I've been so guilty of the sort of the, oh, and how did it go at school? And you're sort of already moving in the direction of the kitchen, but you're sort of like talking with them behind you. So if you're going to have a conversation, make sure that you're orientated at eye level with them and make sure you have their attention. So often I'm massively guilty of this. I'll walk into a room and start having a conversation about something. Having already thought about it five steps before I've got into the room, the person that I want to have the conversation with is already absorbed in something else. And what I say is in context in my head, but when it comes out, it's just, it's random to what they've been doing. So it's making sure that we've got their attention, particularly if they're otherwise engaged, they could be reading, they could be watching something on television. They could be on a device. They could be doing their homework. They could be in mid conversation. They could be mid creative flow or in their own head. So one of the ways that I typically do it is through touch. So whether that's a hand gently on shoulders, on their upper arm, on their hand, whatever it might be, just a way of just connecting that touch. And then that, Jack, I just wanted to have a word. Is now a good time? I can see you're in the middle of something. Yeah. So it's making sure we've got their attention. And then the final one in terms of practicing good communication skills is to speak with respect, even when we're not getting it. So try and lose that exasperated or lectury parent tone and that sort of exasperated, but instead just really always where we can remember is to speak with respect because what we model out is eventually what we'll get back, even if we don't get it back immediately. And even when they are being incredibly disrespectful, it will come with time. So those are kind of the first one of my six is around practicing good communication skills. And that in itself has got 10 things.
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Speaker 2That's RedCrossBlood.org/LGBTQ. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the US, offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at GrowTherapy.com/acast. That's GrowTherapy.com/acast. GrowTherapy.com/acast. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 3So if you are trying to build communication channels with your children, and they are not where you would like them to be, I would encourage you to look at those 10 first. Am I exhibiting these? Am I practicing these on a regular basis? If you are not, I would recommend you stick to those 10. Just stick to those 10. Don't start adding in the others yet. Really focus on getting those 10, because that's where you are going to get the most out of your children. So I would say more than half the time. Yeah, 55% is fine. But just that that is something that is happening much more regularly. And what I would say is, practicing good communication skills on the basis that children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say is not just with your children. Do you practice good communication skills with your partner? Do you practice good communication skills with your parents, your in-laws? Yes. That your children see you communicating with regularly. Because that's important too. We might model this in front of our children, but then be completely different in other scenarios. And that will create a bit of a rub with children. Might not do when they're very small, but it will at some point. So it's like, am I living, breathing, and operating in a way that I would like my children to operate in too? If I'm not, more than half the time, then that's where we should focus. So that's the first thing is getting those communication skills ourselves right. The second thing when we're trying to make sure that we build these channels, create them in the first place or repair them is we need to avoid lecturing. Really need to avoid lecturing. And it is tough because as parents, we've been there, we've seen it, we've done it, we've bought the t-shirt, we've felt the pain, we've gone through the turmoil, and we don't want our children to do the same. But communicating that through long monologues of this is the way that it ought to be. This is what you need to do. This is what I've learned. Don't learn the hard way. I can give you a bit of decent advice. Isn't going to land well unless your child or teen has requested it. And sometimes our children and teens genuinely want to know, just like, help me, help me fix it. You tell me what you've done in the past so that I don't have to go through the pain. Fabulous. If they've asked you, yet I would say more often than not, we give them the lecture when they haven't asked for it. So avoid the lecture and instead have a mindset of really focusing in on trying to see things from your child's lens. Let me understand what it feels like to you and the impact for you and your life by jack bantering with you in a way that triggered something or whatever that might be. Yeah. Acknowledge how they feel from the lens that they're in. Then do not fix or lecture or judge. Instead, try to empathize and only problem solve when they ask you to. So that's the two. Number two, avoid lecturing. Number three is invest time in learning about the things which are important to your child, even if you don't enjoy it yourself. Yeah. You don't have to be into Minecraft to ask your child if you can sit down next to them and watch them play and ask them to explain it to you, remembering the good communication skills. You're not ticking the box if you're saying, teach me Minecraft, explain it to me. And then you're sat, they're preoccupied. You're not actively listening. You're not turn-taking. You're not reflecting back. You're not getting eye level with them. You're not giving them your undivided attention. It's really important that instead of trying to impart our interests, our passions, our joys, that we try and uncover and discover and unravel the things which light up our children. What, you know, get a glimpse into their world, their space, what they love. It doesn't mean we're going to become Minecraft converts and that we're going to want to play with them. You might, I don't know, but it helps you because you're then understanding what matters to your child. And in lots of ways, possibly, well, a bit with Minecraft, but probably much more so with things like Roblox and other, other games that our children play on devices is you can then, by getting a bit of a glimpse into how they use it and how they're going to use it, how important it is to them. You understand for them how difficult it is when we say, time up, you've had your 15 minutes, it's time to come off. That doesn't mean that we're then going to be sort of, well, you can have as much as you want, but it does help us see from their lens how difficult it is for them to transition off. You know, I talk and say lots and lots about how as adults, we get engrossed on something on our phone and our feeds or go down a road a rabbit hole of online shopping. And we think we've been on 15 minutes and we've been on for an hour and how that also equates the same way with children. But until you've actually had a child explain to you something that they really enjoy on a device, or it could be anything else, but until you really get an explanation and you view it from their lens, you never really have an idea about it. And so you get a lot of those aha moments of like, ah, well, that makes sense then why that happens. And what that does is it gives you a shared respect and a shared language so that next time you have that particular challenge, you've got the right vocabulary and the anticipation and the planning can take place because you know where the pinch points are likely to be. So really investing that time. Number four is about removing your distractions and being fully present. Now, this isn't just about removing your device, your lap, your laptop, et cetera. It's about not having a brain holding an active to-do list whilst you're trying to have a conversation and communicate with your child. You will be mentally distracted and children pick up on that. Yeah, because you're not evidencing all the good communication skills because you're not fully present. So remove your distractions and be fully present. And don't be afraid sometimes if your child just catches you in a moment and you know you can't genuinely drop everything to be able to say, look, I really want to be able to give you my undivided attention. And right now I have this particular thing I want to deal with. If we said, if you could give me 10 minutes, would it be okay? And then I can give you my undivided attention. So don't be afraid to do that. Don't feel like we've lost the moment. Sometimes we will because some children, it's almost like they say it and they're in that moment and they're ready to communicate. And if we miss it, we've lost it. So equally be aware that if your child who doesn't actively open up very much, very often suddenly collars you and is ready to talk and you don't act on that, you'll know, right, I've lost the window. So try where possible. But the reality is we are often very busy and we're often juggling multiple things. But if you have the opportunity to, and that isn't a great time, it is much better to say, and we defer for five minutes or one minute so that you can give them undivided attention than be splitting it. The fifth is about creating opportunities for communication to occur and be ready and content with silence. So obviously some of these things are around our children coming to us and then being ready for a conversation. But it's also about making sure that we create space. We create time, we create opportunities that should our child want to communicate, should they want to open up, that space is there whilst also recognising that they may choose to say nothing and that that's okay. Silence is fine. We don't have to fill the void. We don't have to fill the gap. We can just enjoy and revel in that time that we have with them. So that's number five. And number six is be ready for it to take time. If you have not already built these channels or you are repairing broken channels, it's going to take time. It isn't going to happen overnight. Remember every child is different and how one child or teen communicates will be very different to another. Your child may not be openly communicative with anyone, even their friends. So persevere. Anything worth having takes time. So it's being prepared for this to be a long haul. We want communication isn't a one-off thing. We want those channels to be open for a really long time. And in fact, when you reflect on the piece, our children are children really for those sort of first 18 years. And okay, maybe they then go to university and then they live at home for a little bit before they get their first job. But the reality is we're going to have a relationship with our children for at least two times longer than we've had with them as a child. So two times longer as an adult than we would have done with them as a child. So it's really crucial that we cultivate these communication channels and accept that they're going to take time to develop because we're going to have plenty of time to feel the benefits from that, to enjoy it, to revel and to be full of love within that. So the time that we spend on it is worth the investment. So practice good communication skills, avoid lecturing, invest time in learning about the things that are important to your child, remove your distractions so that you can be fully present, create opportunities for communication to occur and be ready for it to take time. Now, if you haven't downloaded the resource already, you can do so at drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address. If you haven't already done so, and you'll get instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all the other resources across all the other podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be so grateful if you can rate, follow and review this podcast so others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you so
Speaker 1much for watching. I'll see you in the next video. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit RedCrossBlood.org.
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