Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, building children's and teens' self-belief and confidence is a big one because it's probably one of the subjects that I get asked the most about. And I think it's because we know that fundamentally, if we believe in ourselves, then we're much more likely to try things that feel challenging and difficult. And therefore, we're much more likely to fulfil our potential. And I think fundamentally, that's what we want for all of our children really, is we want them to not shy away from challenges and take on new responsibilities. Try new things so that they can become the best version of themselves. And yet, it can often feel super, super difficult to do. Now, we've tackled self-criticism in a bucket-emptying episode. So, if your child is caught in that loop of constantly criticising themselves, you may want to pop over to the website and search in the podcast page for that episode and listen to that. But we know that a lot of our children and teens tend to do a lot of this self-criticism when they're struggling with their self-belief. So, I wanted to have a longer episode dedicated to how can we help build our children's and our teens' self-belief and therefore their confidence. And there will be another separate episode, so do look out for that one, which will be, what do we do if our child's confidence and self-belief is absolutely at rock bottom? And we're then looking to boost it. So, you've got a whole trilogy here. That you can listen to, that will sort of all come together to cover all of the kind of questions that you might have. So, before we kind of get into the nitty-gritty, and I've got seven things, seven tools and strategies that I want to share with you in this episode, I just want to place some context to this and why it is such a big topic that you ask me to speak about and speak to on so many occasions. So, let me just give you some statistics. So, between a third and a half of adolescents, so these are our 11-year-olds upwards, struggle with low self-esteem. So, basically, between a third and a half will be struggling with their self-confidence. And when we then look at the data specifically for girls, when we look at 10- to 17-year-old girls, 61% report that they have low self-esteem. And that's huge. And then, when we look at it from a sense of community, which we'll talk about, but 50% of young children feel that they're not, they don't feel part of any community, and they don't have this sense of belonging. And that's a big part when it comes to building confidence and self-belief, because that underpins this whole notion that the community in which you inhabit, and that first community is your family, and then we've got your school community and your wider geographical neighbourhood community. It's such a big part of believing that actually my confidence comes from knowing that my community is better for having me in it. So, if we've got half of young people feeling that they have no sense of community, no sense of belonging, then that speaks, again, to the low statistics that we've got around low self-confidence. And when we look at the data in terms of what's the biggest factor in increasing self-esteem? Yeah. It is this sense of mastery or competence. So, when we're thinking about how can I now boost my child's self-belief and also their confidence, then the primary focus that we need to be looking at is this notion of mastery, competence, being capable and able to do it. And confidence is one of these things, and self-belief comes from experience. It isn't something we can talk about theoretically. It isn't something that we can tutor our children from sort of discussions. It is experiential. They have to be in it in order to be able to build that. So, it is this exposure. And for anyone who has read the We're Going on a Bear Hunt, which was one of my most favourite books that I used to read to my children, it's like, you know, we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we have to go through it. And that's exactly the same when we're looking at self-belief, and we're also looking at confidence. So, let's Before we go in, I just want to talk about, just give a couple of definitions, because I think we sort of, self-belief and self-confidence is often banded about and sort of used interchangeably. And there are some subtle differences, but there are differences between it. So, when we talk about self-belief, this is how our children feel and what they think and how they see themselves. So, this is much more sort of a theoretical pondering, and so confidence is their belief in their capabilities when they're faced with a task or an activity or a challenge. So, the self-esteem and self-belief is this sort of how they feel about it, how they feel about themselves just generally, me as an individual, and confidence comes from that capability and that self-belief when applied to a specific task. So, you may have a child, you know, go back to that. about self-criticism, who may well say, I'm a bad person or I'm rubbish, I can't do anything. That's a self-belief statement because it's about them. Whereas if it's a, I'm not very good at maths, I'm not very good at doing somersaults on a trampoline, that's much more about their confidence to apply their capabilities in a specific situation. So, hopefully, that's helping you a little bit. So, let's dive in to how do we build confidence? So, I've got seven for you. The first, as you would expect from me, is about how do we model confidence and self-belief? Because children are always watching us, they are constantly watching us, and we are the closest and the most present in their lives for them to look to us around what does confidence and self-belief look like? Well, how do we model that to them? So, it's about taking that step back and asking ourselves. I mean, I love a good reflection. I love a good sort of audit. And so, the first thing I would recommend is that you just sit for a moment and ask yourself, do I demonstrate to my children and how do I demonstrate to my children how I tackle new things? Do I show that, do I do that with optimism? Do I do that with exasperation? Do I do that on the basis that I am very quick to give up? I say this because when I think about how I might model confidence and self-belief is I think in certain areas of my life, I'm really good at modeling confidence and self-belief and tackling new challenges. Yet, there are some aspects of what I do that I don't demonstrate optimism and positivity at all. I demonstrate giving up very quickly, and that's possibly sometimes what my children are more likely to see. So, what I do is I demonstrate giving up very quickly, and that's possibly sometimes what my children are more likely to see. rubbish at this you know it's it's being mindful without being utterly petrified of everything that might come out of our mouths that our children are watching us and that they are looking at us and so it's not sort of making huge drastic changes not sort of getting caught up in that oh my goodness me mary hann you've highlighted something that i'm totally rubbish at and i must be a really bad role model but just simply saying this is where i'm at at the moment and i'm making a commitment to show up one percent improved in the way that i talk about myself and to myself out loud to my children and how i show up in terms of my own self-confidence and self-belief this is not about being perfect but it is about acknowledging that what could i do tomorrow that might be just that little bit one percent more demonstrating that self-confidence so that modeling piece is number one number two number two is and i often talk about this idea that our family we create a culture within our family yes we talk about culture for organizations and companies but we also build a sort of a culture and a belief system within our family and i do think it's important with number two that we cultivate a culture of effort always trumping results i was driving today and i was raised from birth a baby where we just suddenly actually praised every single time they had a go at something, or even if we praised failure. And instead of focusing in on any end result, we just simply praised failure because, and we sort of talked about it on the perspective of, my goodness me, amazing that that didn't work out. You've learned something. You're learning so much more quickly than anyone else. What have you learned? Now, I'm not suggesting that that's specifically what we do, but it is interesting, isn't it? Because what we tend to focus on is the thing that our children then will sort of focus and demonstrate on. It's that whole concept, isn't it? So if we turned the tables completely and instead of, you know, isn't it great that you're walking and instead just celebrating every time they fell onto their bottoms and sort of like. And what have you learned? I mean, obviously that's not very helpful because our children are learning to walk when they're not necessarily at a linguistic stage that they're able to kind of take that concept of that language. But it did strike me as a, you know, we can in our families, we can in our homes make a real conscious shift to actually how can we shift away from really focusing in on what the results are and instead. Focusing in on the effort. So we can do that by talking about and seeing setbacks as learning opportunities. So rather than dissecting the result, why did this go wrong? Why did you make that choice, which was a bad choice? Instead, really focusing in on and dissecting the lesson that's been learned from that poor choice, from that setback, from that failure, whatever that might be. Because what we emphasise and what we focus our discussion with our children on speaks volumes about what we actually value as a family. So I'll kind of leave that one with you. It's something that has really had me thinking about how we can kind of shift so many things on its head. So I won't digress any further, but expect possibly a podcast episode that will dive a little bit deeper into that one. So the first is about how do we model confidence and self-esteem ourselves? The second is about. Cultivating a culture where we really value effort and that that effort always trumps results. Number three is about setting goals regularly. If we're talking about this notion that self-confidence and therefore self-belief. So if I. Confidence is about doing and that sort of. The more I do things, the more that then feeds into my self-belief that I'm capable and I'm competent. And remember, when we're talking about how. The one factor that is the most likely to increase self-confidence and self-belief, it is all around mastery and competence. So the more I'm in it, the more I learn through experience, whether I'm successful or I'm not, but that builds my confidence and my capability. So I believe that I'm then able to tackle new challenges. So when we talk about goal setting, we really make that the centre of. We are always learning. We are always looking. To challenge ourselves with new activities, challenge ourselves in areas that we would like to gain some new mastery. So when we're talking as a family regularly about setting goals, and those goals are not. Don't have to be huge goals. They're just. They could be making incremental changes in something that we're always about, something that we're already doing, or it could be something new. So it's about. Then embedding that in the conversations that we have, whether you use goal setting, whether you use the ladder analogy that I've often talked about in terms of the steps that we work up towards it. But it's just embedding that in the conversation that we have with our children on a regular basis, and talking about it in terms of the goals that we're aspiring for. And so what then happens is that we embed that in the conversations. We talk about our goals. We date, and we make each other accountable. And of course, as you know, I'm a huge fan of a family meeting where we come together as a quick check-in. How are we doing? What worked last week? What didn't work? What's coming up with the week ahead? And that's a great opportunity to be like, how are we getting on with the goals that we're working on? And the goals can be making a bed. The goal could be brushing their teeth without being asked to do it. Their goal may well be, that they are trying to do a certain number of steps, or that they're trying to be able to do a somersault on the trampoline. What's crucial when it comes to goal setting is it doesn't need to be related to their academics. It really, confidence and self-belief can grow and can increase by just getting that sense of mastery. And if it matters to your child that they do a somersault on the trampoline, that they're able to be particularly, really successful at a game that they're playing on their iPad or Roblox, that's all part of that mastery. And so building that and talking about those goals is a really super, super helpful one. And now we're going to take a quick pause for a word from our sponsors. Number four is encouraging our children to try new things. And I know that this is easier said than done. You know, we do talk about this and I know that that's often where parents feel that or notice that their children's self-belief and confidence is at its most lacking because they have children that get stuck in the, I don't want to try new things because I'm overwhelmed and I'm too scared to do it. But I think it's about how we reframe the trying new things because it's about trying new things for the sake of what they might learn in that process rather than them being good at it. So it's sort of promoting that. And again, that could be something that we will model about what we are trying, you know, that we're trying something new, whether that's a, we're trying to learn a new language. Again, we don't have to be seeking excellence. We don't want to take necessarily need to take an exam in it, but it might well be that actually we're trying a new thing, learning a new language because of that whole process of trying something new. I think it's also about cultivating curiosity. For new things whilst also consolidating the areas that they already have strengths in. Sometimes what we can do is by consolidating their strengths, that can be a springboard to then trying something new. But for some children that can be when we focus too much on their strengths, they then are reluctant to try new things for fear of how that makes them feel because it's like, this is my family. I want to stay in my lane. This is the thing that I'm really good at. And I want to stay in my lane. And what might happen if I try something different and then that I'm not really good at it? So it's that reminder that identifying, if you've got a child who's super caught up in this, I'm really good at this, but I don't want to try that. One great way to then help them over that hump to be more willing to try is to identify aspects of something that they already feel particularly strong in and that they feel incredibly competent in. Try to identify skills of their competence in that one skill and how transferable that is into the new thing that they may be willing to try. But it is about just sort of talking about it regularly and cultivating that and ensuring that when we place our praise, when we praise our children, that we praise perseverance. Remember, we're going to get more of what we reward. And so if we really try and focus in on that, gosh, you know, aren't you, you really stuck at that. I know it, feels really challenging. And I know you feel that you're making no progress. The child who's jumping on that trampoline repeatedly, repeatedly trying to do that somersault and keeps not being able to do it and falling on their backs or whatever it is that they're doing. It's that when we praise that perseverance, we send a very clear message that it doesn't matter what the end result is. It doesn't matter whether you get it right or whether you don't get it right. The perseverance piece, the trying is the crucial piece. So that's number four is about encouraging them to try new things. Number five speaks very much to the statistic about 50% of children feeling that they don't have a sense of belonging and don't feel part of a community. So I feel number five, which is cultivating a culture of contribution is that first step. Confidence and self-belief comes from that space of feeling that are the world would be less than if I wasn't in it. You know, my family is better for having me in it. My neighborhood is better for having me in it. My school and my, the other pupils in my year are better for having me in it. And that has to start with how we feel in terms of our contribution to our family. So I talk a lot for those of you who've been listening to me for some time, that I'm not a massive fan of asking our children to do chores, or housework, because it just doesn't sound like something. It sounds, really sounds like drudgery and something that isn't what you really want to do. I don't want to do it. But when we talk to our children about the fact that our family home is some, a space that we all share, and part of that, being able to use that space and being part of that space is contributing towards its upkeep. Then what we do is we help them see how valuable everything that they do, within that context, has on that wider community, which is your family. So when we help our children see that their contribution, for example, if they use the sofa with the cushions, and they've been watching some television, that their contribution is to make that good. You know, they've used that space within the home and they're making good. That their contribution is, you know, we all sit and have a meal. And so they make some contribution to that process, whether that's laying the table, whether that's emptying dishwashers, whether that's washing up, whether that's clearing up afterwards or chopping vegetables, whatever that might be, is that they make a contribution. And by being part of that community within our home, by their virtue of their contribution, that builds confidence. And then we expand that contribution to maybe our neighborhood, to our wider community, to how they, to how they contribute to the place where they learn or the community, which might be their, their preschool, because that then, you know, fosters this sense of belonging, the sense of being part of something bigger than just them, which then builds into their self-belief and also their confidence. So number five is about cultivating a culture of contribution. Number six is probably one of the really big pieces when we think about what impacts our child's self-belief and the actions that they might take. And this is an awareness of their thoughts and their feelings. So this is helping them understand how their thoughts drive their feelings, that they have an internal narrative, that internal narrative that says that this is too scary, that what if I fail or I can't possibly do this, I'm not good enough. That those thoughts, whilst they have their, it's their voice, it's in their head, that it's true. We all have thoughts, but those thoughts drive our feelings. And then those feelings will drive if we allow them to, particularly when we get driven by our inner critic, they drive the choices that we make in those moments. And in terms of behaviour, whether we try something or whether we don't. So it's helping them understand that whilst it can feel incredibly overwhelming at the time, they get to choose which thoughts they run with. They get to choose how they respond to the feelings. And what we're then wanting to help them understand is how that then drives the behaviour. And if you imagine that they're standing in the middle of the circle of influence or a hula hoop, it's helping them understand that they can control everything within their hula hoop. If they step into a hula hoop and hold it, everything within that hula hoop is within their control. So it's which thoughts do they run with, how they respond to their feelings, what they choose to do, what they choose to say, that's within their circle of control. That's within their hula hoop. Everything else is outside their hula hoop and it's energy, thought and worries that are not productive, not helpful because they can't control what anyone else says. They can't control how another person feels or what another person thinks of them. They are, it's about staying in their lane, staying within their circle of influence. What could I do to help me feel that I could be more capable in this situation? Which thoughts am I going to choose to accept and that I will then run with? And how can I respond to this feeling that I have at the moment, which is that I can't do it, that this feels too overwhelming, that I'm not capable. So that's a really hugely, really powerful part of their learning. And it's recognizing that in terms of helping our children sort of understand that and then be the driver of it so that they're the ones that are in charge of it is a work in progress. If you think about our own internal chatter and our thoughts and how they drive our feelings and us being super connected to what's within our circle of control and all trying to influence other people's behavior, when fundamentally we have to remember to stay in our own lane as an adult. So this is a big piece and it will take time, but being able to help our children understand that and then apply that knowledge can be hugely impactful when it comes to building that self-belief and therefore that confidence in those situations. So that's number six. And then number seven is about showing that our love is unconditional, as is our faith in their capability. There's a number of ways that we can do that. We can do that in an obvious way in terms of articulating, you know, my love for you is unconditional. I have unwavering faith in your capability. So we can do it in that way, but it's also making sure that we do it in the subtle ways that we send messages to our children. So when we do everything for our children, then we subtly are capable of doing it in the subtle ways that we send messages to our children. And then number seven is about communicating that we don't necessarily have unwavering faith in their capability, because otherwise we would be allowing them to do it. We'd be encouraging them to take responsibility and to be independent. So with this one, particularly around the unconditional faith in their capabilities, it's about us asking ourselves regularly, looking at what, you know, auditing the things that we do and asking ourselves, am I doing things for my child that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves? And when we've got those scenarios, it's then about, okay, right, I've noticed that I am doing X and my child is more than capable in doing that. Because of course, the more our children do, remember it's experiential, it's exposure, even the simple things that don't really, that they don't get too wrapped up in their head about being capable of doing, whether that's getting their uniform out ready to get dressed, whether it's about doing their homework independently, whether it's about brushing their teeth independently, whether it's about having a bath or a shower independently, whether it's about going into the classroom on their own, you'll know there'll be certain aspects of things that we do for our children that we don't need to do. And that by continuing to do that for our children to fix their problems, go in and sort things out and resolve issues, what we're doing is we're subtly chipping away at the confidence that we're really working hard to try and bolster our children. And that's what we're doing. And that's what we're not because we're deliberately trying to sabotage their self-confidence, but because we've gone into autopilot or we're sort of doing things because we've always done it. And we haven't sort of stepped back and thought, actually, is this now, is my child now at an age and stage where I can hand that bit over? I've still need to be responsible for these other things, but actually they're ready for this responsibility. They are ready to feel independent in these areas. So it is about, yes, we can do it. We can say these things explicitly. And it's also being mindful that we're not undermining it with the things that we do without realizing it that suggests that we don't have that same level of faith. So let's just do a recap of these seven. So the first is about modeling confidence and self-belief. The second is about cultivating a culture where effort always trumps results, because that's what we focus on. by setting goals regularly, doing it. individually, but also talking about it as a family and making everyone accountable. Getting our children to make us accountable to them. Number four was about encouraging them to try new things. Number five was about cultivating a culture of contribution. Number six was being aware and encouraging them and helping them be aware of their thoughts and feelings and how that circle of what's within their control and what isn't within their hula hoop. And number seven is about showing our love is unconditional and our faith in their capability, not only in what we say, but how we behave. And I really hope that you find that useful and there will be, so I would encourage you, if you've got a child who's being super critical, do go and check out that bucket emptying episode. And if you've got a child whose self-belief and self-esteem is rock bottom or really low, check out the bucket emptying episode that is specifically, that I'll share my top three tips in terms of how to bolster that. And as ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, if you're a regular listener or you are someone who has just discovered us for the first time, take a moment to maybe share this episode with a friend or a neighbor or colleague who you feel might benefit. And also take a moment to rate, review and follow this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you for listening to The Market. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
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