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Speaker 3Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not of any organization.
Speaker 4I found alcohol and weed, and it was literally like... I mean, at the time, I didn't see it as this, but it was my medication. It felt like everything in the world had just been set right, like all those feelings that I had just weren't there anymore. I can talk about this in hindsight, but obviously at the time I was young and I didn't understand this.
Speaker 5Welcome, everybody. I got a special guest on today. I have somebody that I've met online. I really admire his content and, you know, what he does for the recovery community. I think a lot of people can get a lot from it. You know, the Recovery Club. Is that right? Is the name of your channel? The Recovery Club? Yeah, this is, you know, I found this gentleman online and I liked what he had to say and he didn't even, you know, what I loved is he didn't even hesitate to say yes, right? When asked to do service in recovery, he said yes, you know, without a doubt, and I really appreciate that. So all the way from Bali, by way of the UK, thank you so much, Rick, for coming on. I appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Yeah, bro. I appreciate it. Let's, let's get into it, man. Let's start off. Why don't we start off with this? Tell us a little bit about yourself, what you were like in addiction, you know, what kind of happened to kind of hit your bottom or not, you know, and then what it's, what you're like today.
Speaker 4Right. So I believe, I believe I was, I was, I was semi born. I'm an alcoholic addict, you know, like, uh, my earliest memories from a young kid is, is, is that irritable, restless, discontent feeling just, just plain uncomfortable in my own skin, you know, and, uh, growing up, it was hard and, and, and, and I want to say like, this is, um, this was at no fire. Like I, I consider my upbringing, something which most people would dream of, you know, I had loving parents, I had a loving sister, I was taken around, uh, the world, um, but that feeling, that feeling of irritable, restless, discontent just was always there. And just from a young age, like I remember school. Yeah. I was a poplar kid, but I'd say like semi poplar kid. Um, but I, I, I figured a way to like put on masks and, um, hide behind how I was feeling, you know?
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 4And I could, uh, I could almost get along with anyone. Um, I could put on a mask for, for each group of people. Um, and I think over the years living, living. That life, like you, you kind of forget, forget who you are. Um, so yeah, like those feelings, those ill feelings just stuck with me as a child. And, and, and at the age of 13, 14, you know, I found, I found alcohol and, and weed. And it was, it was literally like, I mean, at the time I didn't see it as, this, but it's, it was my medication. It felt, it felt like everything, the world had just been set right. Like all those feelings that I had just, just weren't there anymore. Yeah. I can talk about this in, in, in hindsight, but obviously at the time I was young and I didn't, I didn't understand this, but, and then, yeah, so I, I ran with it. I, I became. What I perceived as pop, even more popular, I was able to, uh, I was able to socialize without, without doubt in myself, you know, like, and that, that feeling of uncomfortable just wasn't there. I was able to speak to girls. I was able to do it all, all, all the things that I thought a young boy, man should be doing. You should be doing. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, so my drinking really just excelled, uh, by 18, by 18, I knew, I knew I had a problem. I knew, I knew I wasn't like the rest, you know, like you, you always hear when someone can call it a night or put down the drink because they've said they've had enough. It, it, it, that was, that was never the case for me. Yeah. I was always the one that, that, that, that took it further and further and further. And, and I acknowledged that at 18. I remember, I remember thinking to myself, like, why, why am I different? And, uh, I think at the age I was and, and the lack of education around addiction as well, I, I felt, I felt super. You know, I felt like I had this burden on me that, that like was taboo and I couldn't speak about it. And that just, that just compounded the, my drinking really, um, and my drug taking. So I, I always, I always say it was, it's never with addiction. It's never really about the drink or drugs. It's about the, the escape of, of pain. And the drink and drugs just compounded the pain and my want to escape just grew, just grew higher. Um, so yeah, early twenties, um, was, was a complete mess. I, I was able to hold down jobs, um, but I just hate, I, I hated who I was. Um, I. I hated every part of myself, um, any second sober, I just wanted, I wanted out. I couldn't, I, it was just unbearable. Um, so yeah, 20, 24 was the, was the worst year of my life. Um, by, by this point I was drinking on Sundays. I would have, uh, about two liters of vodka a day, um, which is, which is crazy. It's crazy to some, but there was a lead up to this and, and two liters of vodka was, was enough for me to be okay without withdrawals throughout the day. You know, um. What did those withdrawals look like?
Speaker 5Sorry. What did those withdrawals look like?
Speaker 4Uh, just extreme, extreme shakes. Um, so every morning. I would wake up, I could barely walk, I could barely talk, I would just be shaking, um, and I knew I needed, I needed to drink. So like my breakfast would be, uh, a half bottle, which in England is about 35 centiliters of vodka. And I would, I would do that in one and then I went from the world feeling like it was imploding around me. To all of a sudden, just like I could take a breath. You could breathe. Yeah. My shakes were gone. My shakes were gone. That anxiety was gone and I could just breathe and yeah, that was, that was my reality for years. Um, but obviously with that came consequences in my life and, and my health was deteriorating massively. My relationship. relationships with my family were deteriorating massively. my relationship with with with work was deteriorating massively and as a result um i'd say probably the last six months of my junk and i i it was a it was a big blur um from what i do know is i was i was rushed to a hospital um where the the professionals were were pumping me for the librium so like benzo just to try and stabilize my withdrawals um but they couldn't they couldn't they couldn't stop me from repeatedly going into seizures so i think i had about two or three and then they made the call to to put me in an induced coma um um and yeah i i lied there in a coma over christmas and and new year's and and i woke up um i i remember i remember it so clearly i woke up to a to a nurse saying to me we didn't we we honestly didn't think we'd see you again but she she said it so casually to me i'll never forget it yeah like i was like i was nothing you know um or not nothing but maybe she something she sees all the time you know um and i asked her who who who's here to see me and and she said no one and and i knew then like i knew then if if i didn't make a change in my life like i wouldn't hit my 25th birthday wow um um i was so i was so done um but it's strange because i i at this at the same time i i really i really didn't want to live anymore like as hard as it is for me to say that like yeah it it was bad but i don't know where it came from from but there there there must have been some some part of me that that wanted wanted change so i i said i said to the hospital i need help you can't you can't let me back out there i will i will die and i was moved to a rehab um which was hard like we we rehab was hard um yeah you know being sober after all them years like i was hit by all the things that i was doing and i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die all the feelings from me oh yeah emotions yeah all the feelings hit me all the feelings that i'd been running from for from from the age of 13 just like a steam train just hit me in the face and like there was no escaping but but what i did have is i i had i had individuals around me that that were going through the same um you know and like i i said earlier and in the story like from from being that kid and thinking i'm the only one in in this world that feels like this for his experience in this this this pain all of a sudden i was in a group with where everyone shared the same feelings they behaved in the same way they they they they treated their family the same way and like i think i felt a bit of connection there and and and it gave me the strength to just carry on and by carrying on i mean speaking my truth like every every single every single truth in my life like all my wrongdoings all my pain and uh being able to process that pain in a safe environment with with with people that truly cared for me no judgment yeah no judgment yeah and uh the the feelings that i've been running from my whole life i was finally able to work work through them and and it was hard like it it wasn't easy um so yeah i learned a lot in rehab i learned a lot about myself i left rehab and you know leaving rehab is is a big deal as well like i i felt like i was let off into this this scary terrifying world new world new world and and i honestly felt like i was um i felt like i was 13 again um i hadn't i had no idea on how to navigate but i i knew that if i just got through each day like i knew i grew stronger and i just ran with that um i continued speaking my truth continued just doing good things in my life you know um and then yeah fast fast forward to now i'm i'm over eight years sober i am currently living in bali um and yeah if if i was if i was to go back i'm over eight years sober i am currently living in bali um and yeah if if i was if i was to go back that the the me that was lying in the hospital bed this is where i'd be today i would i would say no chance you know i can relate to that yeah but i know i know people hear it a lot like one day at a time like it it builds up and dreams dreams become true you know just by doing the right things speaking your truth being honest not not just honest with yourself with others but most importantly honest with yourself absolutely yeah
Speaker 5you know i was uh the other i think it was yesterday i was having this moment yesterday and i have these moments now in sobriety where i you know i kind of have this gratitude fill my heart once and like i'm because i'm present and i'm i can i'm able to to notice them yesterday i had this feeling of gratitude that um you know for one we were watching the hockey game hockey's big over here and we're in the playoffs right now the toronto may police are in the playoffs and for one uh i related sports a lot to drinking and drugging like i couldn't go to a sporting event i couldn't go to a football match uh i couldn't go to uh you know we have football here it's not as good as arsenal right but but they try their best and uh you know for one i was able to be with my family and enjoy the game and not be in the bathroom half the time and you know worried about if i have enough to get me through the game and because i couldn't equate enjoyment of my favorite sports to being sober it just didn't make sense to me for a long time right so you know i was having this moment yesterday i was like man i i'm so grateful i'm sober today you know that i can uh i miss this you know because i had a a good period of time as well like yourself um and i decided to take my will back and do things my way right and that's what led me back out ultimately but i was having this moment where i was like man this is good life is good you know um i can be here i can enjoy it i can enjoy it i can enjoy it i can enjoy it i can enjoy my family you know people want to be around me again i don't need to hide my emotions i can be honest and speak my truth like you said um and it's just it's such a beautiful thing man like uh i i don't think i ever would have felt this way or got this way if i didn't get into sobriety and then sorry so the other thing i just remembered now that um i was like man i really miss this about recovery is that i don't know about you but you know you talked about goals and aspirations right when i was drinking and drugging i was like man i really miss this about drinking there was no such thing as as like the future five years from now you know i i i had such a pessimistic view on life that yesterday i was i i really had this moment where i was like man i'm actually thinking about my goals again and the future and i'm and i'm feeling optimistic about it oh my god i miss that so much right when i'm drinking and drugging there is no optimism about tomorrow whatsoever it is like oh my god how am i going to get through today how am i going to get to tomorrow and i'm like oh my god i'm going to get to tomorrow and i'm like oh my god man i have to go to this stupid thing next week where and all week i'm just like i really don't want to do this right so one of the gifts for me yeah dude one of the gifts for me so recently that i've noticed is this drive to win comes back this drive to be better and and you know uh and have goals and achieve these goals it i can't it's almost like you forget that that is possible to have as a human you know these aspirations and these goals so i just wanted to put that in there because you know you reminded me of that sobriety is hard but it's simple you know there's there's a set of steps that are simple to follow and man is it so worth it you know at the end of the day i can put my my head down on the pillow i can put my head down on the pillow and say i did okay today you know i didn't i don't hate myself i'm looking forward to tomorrow and not every day is like that but i definitely don't hate myself anymore right
Speaker 4yeah and i think uh i think this is this is this is massive in in sobriety you know like self-love is is it doesn't happen overnight but It is the route to freedom because, you know, I've gone from someone that despised every part of who I was to, like you said, like you go to bed at night and you know you've done right by the world. You've done right by yourself and you've done right by others. And self-love is massive for me. It's key. Yeah.
Speaker 5How do you practice self-love today? Because I know sometimes even in recovery it could be hard too, right? It could be hard sometimes.
Speaker 4100%.
Speaker 5I know that's probably a difficult question, but...
Speaker 4No, it's a good question. I mean, I guess when I do have times where I slightly, maybe I'm having a bad day or I'm doubting myself, I... I just take time to reflect, you know. Maybe I've... Maybe those feelings have come because I've acted in a certain way to others and maybe I could have been better, you know. I feel like self-awareness is just key for us and it's good to take inventory because we're not perfect. Like, we're... I'm going to have days where I maybe speak to someone in a bad way and I need to... I need to reflect on that and make amends. And then I think these are all hard things, but they're all acts of self-love, you know.
Speaker 5Yeah, I love that. Yeah, if you love others too, you're going to love yourself, right? And then it's kind of like this circle moment, you know. And we kind of talked about this before and when I was catching up with you. And I know because I, you know, when I first got sober, I've been to three rehabs now. And my first one was in Minnesota in the United States and I live in Canada. So I had built a very strong recovery program in the United States. I had friends there, I had support, I had... I was going to my meetings, I was doing all these things, I had a sponsor, but one of the hardest things that I had to do was pick that all up and kind of almost start over again in a new place when I came back to Toronto. What was that like, you know, kind of moving your whole support system and kind of getting a new one, going from the UK to Bali?
Speaker 4I mean, I think, yeah, it was hard for me. But I have good people in my life and, you know, you know, a lot of them necessarily aren't there physically near to me all the time. But I know that they're there. Also, like, there's... I know I'm in Bali, but there's support groups here. And also creating this Instagram page as well has allowed me to access tons of people globally, you know, that relate and just understand us, you know?
Speaker 5Yeah, totally.
Speaker 4But I want to also say, like, my move to Bali was because I got to a point in my recovery where, like we were talking about goals and dreams before, that I really did want... I wanted to just, you know, live my life. Like... Yeah. And these were traveling the world, seeing different places, seeing different cultures is something that's always been close to me.
Speaker 3I love doing that, yeah.
Speaker 4Yeah. So, like, I'm sober now. I'm in recovery. I'm going to go for it. And, yeah, there's been days that are hard. There's been lonely days. But ultimately, I'm living my life to the fullest now. And for that, I am beyond grateful. Yeah.
Speaker 5Yeah. I love that. I love that, man. That's... It's, you know, when we live in fear every day, and at least for me, when I lived in fear every day in addiction and active, you know, active addiction, there was no such chance of me doing anything like that. There was, you know, I was so scared of all the things that haven't happened yet. What if the plane crashes? What if I don't make it? What if I don't have enough alcohol? Like, all these things that I never would have done something like that. I don't even think I would travel. I don't even remember traveling. All my amazing vacations that I've been on to Europe, to Hawaii, to the Caribbean, they've all been in sobriety, man. Like, they've all been in sobriety because, for one, I have the money to do it, again. And two is, like, it's in my heart to, like, explore other cultures, like you said, get some perspective on the world. You know? I think my life is really bad some days. Dude, I go to Cuba, and I see, like, the way some people live in Cuba and how unfortunate, you know, that's just one example, right? But you go there. Even in the United States, there's areas in the United States where I'll go to, and I'm like, man, I don't have it that bad at all. Like, my life is actually really good, man. It's like, stop complaining, dude. You know what I mean? There's people that have way less than you, and they're happy. You know? Figure it out sometimes, right? So I absolutely love that. I'm very curious. What, because I know there's a lot of stigma in addiction in general, and I know it's pretty much around the world, maybe some places less than others. What would you say is the difference in how people view addicts and alcoholics in the UK versus in a place like Bali?
Speaker 4From what I've seen, addiction is not. It's not rife here in Bali. You know, there's extremely strict drug laws here. So, like, drugs is not something you see regularly on the streets of Bali. But alcohol is. And I see, I've heard bits about local people maybe struggling. But, I mean, I've been to support groups, meetings here, and local guys are in the meetings as well. So, yeah. From what I see, I don't see a lot of addiction here. You know, the expats that live here, usually, they've come for, like, a better life. And like you were just saying, and the reality is the same for me. Back in active addiction, I couldn't have moved here, you know? So, and also, Bali is a very health-based place. Yeah. A lot of avocado. Yeah. People here walking around like Zeus around the streets. Like, it's crazy. And it's very spiritual, you know? Like, it's a very spiritual place. People come here. They do lots of meditation. They do lots of yoga. It's a very, it's encouraged to look after your mental health here, you know?
Speaker 3That's great, yeah.
Speaker 4So, it's a warm environment to be around. Yeah. You know, it's inspiring. Like, everyone's trying to, trying to be. Trying to just bat at themselves. Yeah. Which is great.
Speaker 5Yeah, that's, that's good, man. I mean, being around like-minded people is what I was taught to do. And I try to do that every day. Because if someone's doing something that I should be doing, and I see them doing it. Meditation is a good example. It makes me almost feel a little guilty for not doing it. Because I know I should be doing it. But not to the point where I'm beating myself up. To the point where it motivates me to get off my butt. And start. You know, get off my ass and start meditating. Or start, you know, doing things that, going for walks, right? Going to the gym when I don't want to go. You know, calling another guy in recovery is another thing that I do to get outside of myself, right? You know, you mentioned, we mentioned your social media channel and how it's helped you a lot. And I, now I'm starting to do this. I can totally, I get people reaching out to me that never would have reached out to me before. You know, friends, old friends, people I used to work with that kind of had an idea. But didn't really, didn't really know. And I was telling you this before. Is like, I've had more people in the last week or two weeks come up to, you know, message me. Or reach out for help, call me. Than I've had in almost, you know, eight years sometimes. Like, because I was so secretive about it, you know? And so, I'm grateful that I do this. My family seems to be on board as well. We talked a little bit about that too. Is like, sometimes you've got to be careful about the short, the stories I share. Because some people in my life haven't healed from that yet. yet, right? And the family gets affected. so much in this and we don't think we're hurting anyone but ourselves we constantly say that right um so it's important that sometimes that i still i can't just go off and yell about all the shenanigans that i've i've partaked and partook in right partaken in um what on your channel the recovery club what uh what else does it sort of do for you to kind of post as much as you do in those inspirational videos you post a lot of um you know people in recovery that have really good clips of podcasts and and specifically some people that are more you know more well known than others and i think for me at least when i view that it's like oh man he thinks that way wow like that's inspirational i never i had no idea but i have a newfound respect for this person you know what i mean what does it do for you kind of staying close to recovery on social media
Speaker 4i mean me for me to stay sober fun like fundamentally i i have to give back is is part of is part of my journey you know and um we just spoke on now about addiction not then from what i see there's not there's not much in bali and like so yeah i i just i want to share awareness i want to share my story um i just want to give back to others you know and um what it does for me you know i get people reaching out to me daily and and and describing my exact day of me lying in that hospital bed i mean exact day as in in terms of just feeling like the world's ending and you know it really it really pulls me back and reminds me like um where i've come from and you know i don't want to hold on to dark times as as like a as a as a depressing thing but i need to keep them close to me because i i know that that is my that was my reality and it it can still be my reality absolutely and and and
Speaker 5in a week's time yeah i couldn't agree more i couldn't agree more yeah i mean i feel like the
Speaker 4more sorry yeah you go don't go go go go ahead sorry i feel like the more if the more i drift away from remembering that's my reality the more it could potentially be my reality you know
Speaker 5absolutely i was i was just gonna say um i proved that to myself you know it uh with me it was performance enhancing drugs at first and it was a long year of of justification and denial um when i was using them even though they weren't directly altering my mood and my mind i was using them to patch a hole about myself you know what i mean like i didn't yeah i didn't feel comfortable about maybe the way i looked or and i realized that in hindsight you know you don't really you don't really think about that while you're doing it right while you're doing it you're like this isn't hurting me this isn't hurting anyone else i'm good i'm good i'm good i'm good i'm good man i'm i haven't relapsed yet i'm good and then what what ends up happening for me at least what ended up happening um is i would see something else online and be like well you know i could probably get away with that i do have adhd so i could probably get away with with some stimulants you know um if it's prescribed by a doctor and it's just this cunning baffling powerful thought process that just took me down hard man it took me down and i was in denial for so long that it you know it took me a while to get back in here and i'll never forget this this last time around at um a treatment center i went to in canada this time um one of the guys there he had been sober for 20 years i was detoxing i was a mess i came in there you know fresh off a couple week coke binge and um he just looked at me and he goes well because i told him my story a little bit he goes he was one of us 20 years sober he goes well anthony you know welcome back to recovery and i just started bawling my eyes out and i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i started crying because i knew i was in the right place and i knew i made the right decision to wave the white flag again but it was hard to get there man it was hard to get there and if anyone needs to hear this right now you do not need to test it out if you're a true addict like me it is not worth it it's sometimes people don't even make it back in here so i'm grateful that i made it back in here i'm upright with a pulse today you know even on my worst days i just try to think that like oh my god i'm alive man i know i've i've buried a lot of people you know in the in the 10 years i've been in this program unfortunately there's been a lot of fentanyl use on accident and uh in canada that's you know in the uk as well it's growing as well but in canada especially um there's been a lot of people that have accidentally done fentanyl and not you know trying cocaine for the first time or some are addicts and it's really sad man uh i got to you know remind myself that that could have been me i was doing stuff that i wasn't testing as well that could have easily been me you know um
Speaker 4you could see yeah go ahead i'll just pick pick up on because you know this is why i say to people like the power of talking because the disease is is that powerful and cunning that you you might be doing behaviors that you you think is is okay but it could be leading you down down a down a dark path and you know by by sharing it with with someone they can they can pick out you know maybe maybe this isn't the right thing and maybe this will lead you somewhere absolutely yeah and
Speaker 5that's exactly what i wasn't doing that's exactly what i was doing yeah yeah because fully because
Speaker 4maybe if you said like to a friend in recovery uh look i'm thinking of taking some well if you said to me uh rick i'm thinking of taking some performance and i'd be i'd say come on this is uh this is probably not the wisest idea and and and where is this coming from you know where is this yeah where
Speaker 5is this what's this about yeah yeah yeah where is this coming from oh it's so true man yeah talking to someone is is my biggest superpower today and uh it's really hard that phone can weigh a thousand pounds sometimes you know if you could go back and say one thing to uh that you know 24 year old rick what do you think you would say um
Speaker 4i would tell him that he he is loved um and that as as as cliche as it sounds i would tell him that that you can have everything you want in life just by just by talking because my my pride my ego everything just nearly took me to a grave because i didn't want to tell the world my my my pain um and the day that the day that switch happened was this was the day that i began to um really push forward in life
Speaker 5and grow you know grow yeah yeah i love that one of my um one of my favorite you know sayings that i've heard a lot uh you know people have this problem some people relate religion to spirituality and you know it couldn't be further from each other they're two completely separate things in my opinion um and when people you know hear the word god they they get all you know antsy because of preconceived notions or whatever the way they were brought up i know you know sometimes i did right but one of my favorite acronyms for for god is grow or die you know and i truly believe that if i'm not growing today i'm moving backwards and if i'm moving backwards i'm moving closer to a drink and and then in in turn i'm moving closer to death for me to drink is to die today i have to think like that because i don't know if i'm going to die i'm going to die i'm going to die i'm going to die i don't want to go back out there man i don't i don't know what's going to happen if i pick up
Speaker 4again i really don't yeah no i love that yeah and i think those those uh uh if anyone's listening and they do struggle with the word word god and the idea of of spirituality you know all all i needed was was was faith you know faith faith that my thinking got me to a hospital bed and faith that someone else's thinking was gonna love that was gonna restore me you know i love it because my my thinking had got me nowhere i needed faith that someone could guide me you know
Speaker 5yeah i absolutely love that rick i i needed faith that there was another way you know there was another way i didn't have to keep going on this way you know i love that oh man great stuff what um i always ask people this, but I think that this one can be very helpful, hopefully. And if someone's struggling out there, you kind of already did it, but if someone that's struggling out there right now doesn't know how to stop drinking, doesn't know how to stop using, doesn't know how to tell someone that they're struggling, what would you say to that person if you could talk to them right now?
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Speaker 4I mean, I've said this before and, you know, I do. I do feel like one of the advantages of of of modern day now is is messaging. I I think if you are struggling today, just just send that one message out to to someone that, OK. We we we deep down, we know the good ones in our lives, you know, when we're in addiction, we'll tell ourselves the good ones or the bad ones. But I I truly think we all know deep down the good ones and and just reach out. Just tell them. And you don't have to go into to to crazy deal. Just make that first step of telling someone that you're you're struggling and you and you want change. Yeah. Beautiful.
Speaker 5Just beautiful. All right, brother. That was great, man. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I appreciate you coming on. Yeah, I I know we'll keep in touch going forward because, you know, I think if we were in the same country, I think we'd hang out. And, you know, we got a lot of like I love where your mind's at today and just keep doing it, bro. And I'll keep doing it, you know, because someone needs to hear our stories. You know, someone here needs to hear our stories.
Speaker 4That's it. And the more we the more we pass the. Like you said before, if if one person here. If there's one second of this, this clip that they relate to and they and they decide to make the change, then then we want, you know. Absolutely.
Speaker 6Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, addiction treatment or therapy. If you are. Someone you know is struggling with addiction. Please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.
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