Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Squirt Up Your Kids podcast, the Bucket Emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying episode is one that I know so many parents are really struggling with right now. And if you're not struggling with it right now, you have definitely struggled with it before and may well struggle again. And that is, why won't my children listen? You can tell that I've been there myself. Now, what I would say is that this episode is actually a much bigger episode than I can cover in our usual shorter Bucket Emptying episodes. But I wanted to give you something which I recommend you try first, and then we will do a much deeper dive in with examples into one of our normal episodes. So, I think it's helpful before we go into the potential solutions to talk about what are some of the reasons, and I'm only going to focus on some of the reasons why your child might not be listening and then not doing what you asked them to do. It's not exhaustive, but they're the reasons that are most related to the tools that I'm going to suggest that you try with this particular episode. So, the first one, and you know that I'm saying this all the time, but the first one is, why won't my children listen? You can tell that with love, as I normally do, but these are some of the common things that I see, and they are also the common things that I have done time and time again. Because let's face it, as humans, you know, as parents, we are human. We're not these sort of autonomous sort of machines. We don't just do what is optimal. We have feelings, we have our own stresses and overwhelm, our own challenges that we're dealing with, on top of those that we're trying to address for our children. So, the first reason why children might not be listening is that our instructions are not clear, and or we've used too many words. So, just have a listen to a particular example of how we do this. So, it may well be, I don't know, we're asking our children to get their shoes on because we need to leave, we need to go somewhere, whether that's to nursery, whether that's going to preschool, school, we need to go do some shopping, we need to go and visit granny, whatever it is. And instead of the instructions being super succinct, in terms of, you know, shoes on, we're leaving in five, we end up with, how many times do I need to ask you to put your shoes on? I've told you we're going to be leaving in five minutes, and I keep having to ask all of you, and you're not listening to me, and this happens every single time we go away. Something like that. So, what happens here, and I'm not suggesting that the fault and the blame is all on us, but if we are trying to optimise our children for success, if we are trying to give ourselves a chance of our children listening, then we need to make sure that our instructions are super clear, they're not amongst a whole clutter of lots of other instructions, and that we keep our words to a much more succinct. We use fewer words, and we take out that big emotion piece. I'll explain in a minute. So, some of the reasons, one of the common reasons is that we just simply, our instructions aren't clear, and or we use too many words. The second is, our children are often too immersed in what they're doing at the time, whether that's watching something, whether that's playing with something, whether that's reading something, whether that's playing a particular game, so that they're so immersed at the time that we're asking the instructions, that they haven't yet managed to disengage from that task, and re-engage with you as we're giving them the instruction. And I see this happening because we're busy. We're trying to. We're trying to juggle multiple things, particularly in the example of getting children out of the house. We're trying to get the bags ready. We're trying to make sure that we're ready. We're trying to, you know, maybe we've got a young toddler who can't get themselves ready. And so we're, it can sometimes feel like we're just firing out instructions. And in lots of ways, we genuinely believe that our children should be able to handle that. But for some children, particularly, that ability to disengage from what they're doing, because they're so immersed, children are far more present. They don't have the concept of time in the same way. So they are very living, they're living very much moment to moment in that, whatever it is that they're immersed in. And so sometimes the reason why they're not listening is that they actually haven't been able to give what you're saying the proper attention to take it on board, because they've been so immersed. And maybe they've caught the last bit. Or what can sometimes happen with children is that they have learnt the patterns and it depends, this might be the way that it operates for you at home. But they've learnt the patterns that my parents asked me once, they asked me twice, by the third time, their voice is beginning to escalate. By the fifth time, that's when it's got to the point that it's so shouty that I then respond. So it's understanding that particular aspect. And then the third one, particularly in this sort of scenario, is that we haven't set boundaries around when we ask you to do something. It's an expectation that you do it. And so what happens is our children, this relates a little bit to the disengagement, but it's about our children having learnt that actually, I don't need to respond first time, I can wait to the second, the fourth, the fifth, seventh, whatever it might be in your particular family. Because either I'm asked to do it independently, but by the fifth time, my parents come and actually physically do it for me, so I don't need to do it. Or I've learnt that there's my parents sort of, fire off. And I think this is probably one of the ones that I was the most guilty of, is that I'm a person that thinks a lot in their head and talks to themselves. I'm not mad, it really isn't. But I process verbally, I process out loud. So quite often, I would be in that mode of, okay, so what do we need to do to get out? Right, we need to do this. Oh, Jack, don't forget to do that. Sophie, don't forget to do this. Because actually, what I'm doing is I'm doing it for me, in terms of what I need to do to prepare to leave. And so it isn't actually an instruction to my children, but it's a way of me remembering. And so by the time I've then asked them, my children have heard multiple times that, and you need to do this, and you need to do that. But at no point have I set a very clear intention that when I ask you to do something, this is what you need to do. So that I would then quickly escalate to six or seven and getting really frustrated in terms of a booming voice and shouting. Because psychologically, I felt, I'd asked the question multiple times. So the setting the boundaries one is a really big piece around, if you were to sit back for five, 10 minutes and ask yourself, not in the heat of the moment, but just generally speaking, when I ask my children to do something, think about the situations that generally begin to escalate where your children don't listen. Now, you might be listening and say, do you know what, my children don't listen to absolutely anything. Try and pick the one bit, the one bit that they don't listen to. And I think that's the key. And I think that's one specific scenario, the one area that you find that that listening is not happening and is having the biggest impact on the mood within your family. I'm a massive fan, as you know, there is a bucket emptying episode about the power of one, that we just focus on one thing. Let's not try and do too many things at the same time. Because often, if we focus on one thing that we feel is going to have the biggest impact, that usually manages the most impact. And I think to settle a whole load of other challenges as well. So I'd say, look for that one thing and ask yourself, how does that play out in terms of, in those situations, what are my instructions like? Are they clear? Do I use too many words? Are my children often immersed because I'm transitioning them from one activity to another? And that transition, the activity that they're doing previously is so immersive and so enjoyable. And I think I'm having the challenges of moving them on from that particular one. And also, where are the boundaries? Have I set up a very clear expectation in my family, and with my children, and in terms of my behaviour, that when I ask my children to do something, that there is an expectation that it needs to happen at that time, that they need to do that. And if I'm not communicating these three, that's the one thing that I would like you to focus in on. So let's look at, if you reflect and you do that piece, and you think, okay, maybe, maybe, Mary-Anne, I'm possibly, that could be part of it. So the first one about making sure that our instructions are clear, what do we want them to do? And in what timeframe? And so if you're like me, and you tend to talk out loud and plan out loud in your head, is it reasonable to be asking your children to be putting on their shoes 30 minutes before, and then expect them to retain that, and then do it? Now, it may well be, because in your family, it works particularly well, that actually, just get your shoes on, and then they're still enjoying themselves at home, but they've got their shoes on. So you've got, you've created a clear boundary, and an expectation that then when you say it's time to go, everyone gets themselves sorted, and off you go. So it's really just being able to ask yourself about those instructions. Am I giving clear instructions about what I would like them to do, and within which timeframe? And then, what do I want them to do? And then, what do I want Am I using succinct words, getting rid of the excess words that are unnecessary. Children need clarity and they need to know what they have to do. And am I removing that emotional baggage about the 1,500 other times that I've asked them to do the same thing and they've not done it? So that's the first thing is to ask yourself and then practice, sort sharp instructions that are really, really clear. Then the second one is around this immersion, transitioning. We know this happens and particularly if you're finding that my children won't listen, particularly around getting them off devices or transitioning them off devices to do something else, to leave the house or to do anything like that. The transition off the tech is the challenge, not the tech itself. So it's about making sure that we've helped our child disengage before we give them an instruction or they've completely disengaged before we give them an instruction. So it's about making sure that we've expected them to do the next thing. So if it's tech, then I will refer you, go back, go into the website, drmaryhand.com and search. There's a search button. It's like a little magnifying glass, top right-hand corner, put tech in there. I've done a number of episodes that talk specifically about how do we help our children transition off. So that will be really helpful in terms of the mechanics of that transition off if tech is your particular issue. But it's about making sure that we have got our child's attention. So one of the things that I love for this that is a really beautiful, gentle way is just to touch our child, whether we put our hand gently on their shoulder, whether we just gently touch their arm. So we touch them because what then happens is that physical touch is a, that's my parent. Yeah. So it's a gentle one. And then wait for them to look at you, say their name. You've now got their attention. Now give your thought, start succinct instructions using your few words. So it's about making sure that you adopt something. Now, I know that we're often busy. I know we're often rushing around and we can't always do that. But if you can do it, sometimes you will find that it will make a big impact, have a massive impact. That's the second one. And then the third one in terms of around how do we tackle this setting boundaries and this expectation of doing things the first time is A, be aware if you're like me and you talk out loud. So that you can then have a conversation with your family and say, I often talk out loud when I'm trying to organise things. And so I'm going to, but I'm really aware that at the moment, we seem to have real challenges around when I ask you to do something, it not being done first time. So let's have A, this is where the family meetings work supremely well. Again, search for family meetings. I've done a podcast episode and it is genuinely, will make your life so much easier. You don't have, it's not minuted, but it's a really helpful way of as a family reflecting on what's worked and what hasn't. And also it's brilliant for introducing these. I've noticed that when it comes to leaving the house, it's often very fraught. I find myself shouting. I find myself getting really frustrated with you. And then we all leave in a bit of a bad mood. You don't listen. So how about we find a way together to find a way of making this work? So how about, and this is where we can talk about that when I give the instruction this way, that means that it needs to be done. And it means that you need to pay attention to that and then do, do what I ask so that you then deal with the, particularly if you're like me, who does a lot of verbal walking around and talking. So they understand that, okay, I do that and you can ignore that. But when I do this, that's when the instruction is required. So I hope huge, huge topic. I'm not expecting to have resolved it in 10 minutes. And there will be a much longer episode where I will dive much, much deeper into this and some of the other reasons why and some of the other useful strategies. But it's, these are a really good way of starting because if you are using too many words, regardless of other strategies that you might use, you're going to have to address those. So I hope that you find that helpful. As ever with the podcast, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask them in the comments. And I'll see you in the next episode. And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask them in the comments. If you enjoy the podcast or have enjoyed this one, it would be mean the absolute world to me. If you could rate, follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. you
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