Bucket Emptying: Why Toddlers Have Tantrums (And What Actually Helps)

This episode is brought to you by BioGlan Smart Mines, new term fresh start and every child meets it differently. One isn't sleeping, one can't switch off a busy mind, one's carrying big feelings they can't quite name. I've been there as a parent and these are gummies I genuinely recommend. Sugar-free and designed to support growing minds, balance moods and restful sleep. Find them online and in store at Holland and Barrett. Today I'm in the world of toddlers, specifically the tantrum. Why they happen? What is actually going on in a toddler's brain in that moment? And five things which genuinely help? Because most of what parents try doesn't typically work. Today I'm going to tell you what does I'm Dr Mary Han and this is how not to screw up your kids. If you have a toddler then you have had a tantrum, not you, although you as well, but also your child. And what I would say for those of you who've got older children do not switch off because the principles of what we're going to cover and the tools that I'm going to suggest are useful for every age and stage your child. Is that we're just relating it specifically to a toddler here? And I think what's crucial to remember is that I talk about this notion of a skills gap. Don't worry, that'll come further on in the episode. And so if you feel that your child is not a toddler but is not managing to regulate their emotions as well as you think they ought to given their age, then this episode is also for you. So we have, if you've got a toddler, you will have had them have a tantrum, whether that's in the supermarket, at the park gate, over the wrong color cup, my son, he'll probably hate me for this sort of saying this, but I was like he had a thing about what he called the spiky beaker. There was a particular beaker that he did not like when he was a toddler and it was like you never presented him with the spiky beaker because that would just, it was like not what he wanted, but you get the gist. Yeah, it's over something even like a banana breaking. Their tantrums themselves are so universal that we treat them often or we view them often as simply the costs of having a small child. You know, something that we've got to endure, we've got to manage and we've got to survive because we're going to get out the other end. However, what I would say is if we can really understand why they happen, it changes everything about how we then respond and how we respond in those moments matters much more than I think with that we realise as parents, both for how quickly the storm passes and for what your child is quietly learning about emotions along the way. And I would say that these, it's so foundational, what you often think about of emotions as a sort of thing that we've got to get through in that moment. You know, our child's experiencing huge emotion, we just need to get through it and thank goodness and we wipe our brow and we're that huge relief. I'm going to hope by the end of this episode that you will view helping children with those with in those moments, in those tantrums as the foundations to a whole load of skills and I know they might not necessarily feel like that they are directly now, but these are skills which will be foundational to whether your child tries new things, their self-belief in themselves, their resilience and their confidence, all from those incredible opportunities that we have in those moments to help them with their emotions. So before we go into the skills themselves that we're going to be looking at developing and then my five top strategies, what I want to do as you'll find that I have been doing much more recently across the podcast episodes is to make that distinction right at the beginning between what I call fine lens and what I call wide lens because it helps reframe the issue that we're dealing. So fine lenses when we narrow right down to the problem that you are asking me to solve. So the fine lens is your child is screaming the place down the minute you say no and you do not know what to do and you feel like you're failing nothing works. That's a problem it's a fine lens. What I'm going to encourage you to do because ultimately yes I can help you fix that problem in that moment in that fine lens to help you talk down that child who's screaming the place down, but if we just look at the fine lens and a solution for that problem in that moment you're just going to have lots of other problems that are similar in lots of different moments and that's when we feel like we're firefighting as parents. When we look at it from the wide lens we ask a different question. The question is much more what's the skill that my child currently does not have at all which I need to build or is a skill that is developing and there's a gap which if I bridge that my child will be able to manage those situations not only that problem situation in that moment but multiple other problem situations in future situations that haven't yet happened. So when we look at the wide lens we look at the tantrum not as a problem in itself and not as bad behavior but simply it's a developmental event you know a toddler's prefrontal cortex or the bit behind the forehead the part of the brain that does the rational problem solving logical reasoning is profoundly underdeveloped yeah it will not fully mature until your child is in their mid-20s we used to think it was 18 then we nudged it up until 21 and it seems to be moving further and further so it's underdeveloped in your 15 year old but you can imagine when we're looking at toddlers it's profoundly underdeveloped there's a huge amount of wiring that still needs to happen and so you know when those overwhelming emotions arrive which they do in abundance because also what we're not talking about specifically here but we could do in another episode is your toddler is trying to deal with their emotions but they're often doing that without the complexity of being able to express themselves verbally through their language as articulately as they may well be able to do as they get older so the overwhelming emotion arrives the brain simply doesn't have the architecture yet to manage it so the emotion floods the system and what we're actually watching rather than problem behavior is a nervous system which has been overwhelmed and doesn't have any tools yet to regulate itself and so when we think of the skills gap it's not about our child's behavior it's about their brain development so when we look at those skills it's not that they've got skills gap because of their behavior but it's to do with their brain development and the skills that we are building in them slowly over years through thousands of those small moments and it's the capacity for emotional regulation and to sit with the discomfort that those emotions will inevitably bring knowing that they can and they will pass so that's the distinction between the fine and the wide lens so when you find yourself in a "My every hand I've got a problem and help me solve it in this moment" no okay that's a fine lens I'm looking at the problem in this situation what might be a wide lens what might be a skills thing because I feel when we look at the wider lens and the broader skill that our children haven't yet fully developed that's so much more empowering if you knew that your child for example I'm giving a random example we're struggling at school and had no confidence in a particular subject let's pick maths because for a sake of arguments if you knew that basically if your child did more maths as in to evidence and to practice that that would build their confidence in that particular subject then you would 100% do it and it's 100% manageable and tangible it's something that us as parents can do it's like okay well my child just needs more experience in this particular area that's so much more tangible and practical for us as parents than simply saying all your child struggles to manage their emotions you've just got to deal with it with it in that moment in this way and then you try it and it works in that moment but you try it again and it doesn't so if we got focus on skills we're ultimately yeah does it take a little while longer yeah 100% but does it build the skills that they're going to need for that situation and a whole host of others yes is it worth the investment of time 100% so let's look at the skills which we're going to be focus on building through the five things which I'm going to suggest which actually help so there are two things that work in parallel so what we're looking at is in your toddler so that's one thing that we're looking at is over time emotional regulation so the ability to manage big feelings without being overwhelmed by them and in you right now co-regulation the ability to use your own calm to settle there. So those are the two skills, the child emotional regulation and our capacity to co-regulate. Now, I bet you've heard about this idea about co-regulation a lot. So what is it? So it's neurological. This concept of co-regulation is not this sort of metaphorical thing out there, but it's actually something that happens at the brain level. So a toddler's nervous system that fight flight or freeze literally borrows the regulation from the nearest calm adult. When you stay calm and steady in the middle of their storm or the storm, you're not just being kind, you are providing the neurological, the brain nervous system scaffolding that their developing brain needs to help them come down. And this is how the skill of self-regulation is built through thousands of moments of co-regulation first. Children are not born able to emotionally regulate. They borrow hours first and we co-regulate and then over time through these thousands of tiny little moments of storms and us being that calm within that storm, they then learn to regulate themselves. So hopefully now that's set, the context and the framework that is helpful. Now let's think about what are the five things that I think which actually help. So here they are. This podcast is brought to you by BioGlan Smart Mines, the tasty gummies supporting young people sleep, mood and focus with high quality magnesium and carefully selected vitamins, amino acids and natural extracts to help your child's brain and body function at their best. It's that time of year again, new school, new college, new everything. The year seven in a blazer, they'll grow into it by Christmas, the backpack bigger than they are and here's the thing I come back to again and again. Every child meets this moment in their own way. One's lying awake at night, one can't quiet in a worrying mind, one's wobbly and out of sorts and can't tell you why. I remember it as a mom too, that knot of hope and worry as you wave them off at the gate. So these are gummies I'm genuinely happy to recommend because there's something for each of them, a nighttime gummy for sleep, a focus one for those busy brains, a mood and mind one for the wobbles, sugar-free and designed to support growing minds, balanced moods and restful sleep, available online and in store at Holland and Barrett. Number one, in that moment of the storm, do not try to reason with them. So don't try to reason during the meltdown, that prefrontal cortex logical problem solving, even though it's profoundly underdeveloped, there's some aspects of development there, but in that storm, in that meltdown, it's effectively gone offline, can't access it, whether it's language, so that's where they process, we've got language, logic and reasoning, the operates and our process within that prefrontal cortex, none of it is accessible to them in the moment of storm. So if we say, if you don't stop crying, we're going home, it registers as noise, I understand your upset, registers as noise, it's not your child being defiant, it's neuroscience. If that part of their brain is literally being switched off, they've got no central processing, to be able to process that information in that time, because they are fully in that big feeling and that big emotion. So I want us to remember, so in those moments when we're feeling really like, being so defiant, if we can reframe it in that moment, it's not them being defiant, it's just their brain is offline. When we try to talk our toddler out of a tantrum, it's like trying to have a conversation in the middle of a fire alarm, wait for the alarm to stop, connect after, not during, then we can have a conversation around, I understand your upset, but in that moment, if I think if you just think of it as a fire alarm, the fire alarm is going off so loudly, whatever you say can't be heard over that din and can't be processed. So that would be my number one, the first thing. The second thing is about staying calm yourself and I know that this is really, really hard. When you're busy, when you're trying to get multiple children out of the door, when you are juggling multiple things, it's almost as if our children are in tune to, when's the most inopportune moment for me to have a tantrum? I'll do it now, and then that's overwhelming, but I know it's the hardest one, but it is also the most important one. Their nervous system borrows from yours. If you escalate, so whether that's getting frustrated, irritated, loud, overwhelmed, you literally add fuel to the fire. And then what basically happens is you get this co-escalation that goes up. If you can slow down, if you can lower your voice rather than raise it, if you can take a breath, you give their system something to regulate against. You do not have to feel calm. This is not about having to be in a Zen place. You just have to be the calmest person in the room, which when you're in a supermarket with a child on the floor over a biscuit, I fully appreciate is a very low bar. And what I would say is, when we talk about this idea about taking care of ourselves and this notion of self-care, that's why it's so crucial. And I really cannot overplay or overstate what a great opportunity we have. And I know it is really tough. Not in any way, trying to say it isn't. But these thousands of small moments, oh, it's not small, they'll be huge to us in those when they're dysregulated. But if we can have a ratio where we're able to stay regulated ourselves more often than we are dysregulated, the foundational skills that we are building and our children will make that self-believe, that self-capability, self-efficacy, confidence and resilience, something that our children will have that is robust, because underlines all of that self-believe, being able to put themselves in situations with which they find a little bit nerve-wracking, motivation and learning, or hinge on being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings. So if we can help our children, as young as through their toddlerhood, learn that this is, that it's okay that there are people there to love and support them and that the moment will pass and then looking to problem solve and finding ways to regulate, it will have such a genuinely such an important and profound impact on their rest of their life. And what I would say is, in that staying calm yourself, if you're listening to this from the perspective of using it with an older child, and we often, we know so much that that taking that deep breath is such an important part, is start by doing it yourself before you ask your child to do the same, because if they're borrowing our nervous system, even if they're seven, they haven't learned to self-regulate, they're still operating on our co-regulation, then the fact that we take that breath that helps us become regulated, they then are able to borrow that and over time, you'll then find that when you take that breath, they'll do the same without you having to say a word. So number two is stay calm yourself. Number three, name the feeling, not the behavior. So not stop screaming, but you're really frustrated right now. Not calm down, and we've all said that. I've said it too. So rather than calm down, you are so disappointed, we have to leave the park. Naming the emotion does two things. It activates the language centers of the brain, which begins the process of coming back online, so we're taking them because we're activating the language centers, and the brain is trying to kind of like come online and understand what you're saying, is trying to bring them back from their primitive sympathetic nervous system, which is in fight or flight, and emotion, emotion, emotion, to instead trying to process it. That's one thing it does, and that's Seagal's name it to tame it, but it also shows your child that their feeling has been seen, that you've noticed it, and that's often what the tantrum is really communicating. When your child is saying, I can't manage what I'm feeling now, and I need you to know it is there. Now, over time, this does build their emotional vocabulary because children who can name their feelings are significantly better at managing them. You are planting seeds with every, you feel really dot, dot, dot, fill in the blank. So number three is name the feeling, not the behavior. Number four, stay close, do not isolate. The instinct is often to put our toddler somewhere. Their room, a corner, away to contain the chaos. I would say isolation removes the one thing which we know helps them regulate, which is you. Staying close, even if they push you away mid tantrum, It communicates safety and safety is what the nervous system is. needs to settle. Now, I am not a big fan. In fact, I'm not a fan at all of naughty steps or isolating children in some way because in that moment of incapability, what we're doing is we're then isolating them. It's not, I'm not saying that you are going to traumatise your child. I'm simply saying if you want the best opportunity in order to help your child in that moment, they need to borrow your calm and your nervous system rather than being on their own and trying to make sense of it themselves. These are big scary feelings. You can say very little, you don't, it's not about having a long conversation. It's just being in the same space as them. I mean, I don't need to do very much. It's just our physical presence is the message. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere and it's one of the most regulating things a toddler can experience. So number four, stay close. Do not isolate. Number five, connect warmly after the storm, even if you are feeling enraged. So once they are calm, once that prefrontal cortex has come back online, a brief, warm acknowledgement does more to prevent the next tantrum than anything you do during the meltdown itself. A hug if they want one, that was really hard, wasn't it? You do not need a debrief. No. Do you understand why? No lecture just warmth and reconnection. The reconnection after the storm is where the learning happens for them about feelings being survivable and about you being safe. And for their relationship, which weather these moments and comes out over time, stronger for them. And these all work together collectively. There's a bit of a hierarchy there because we've started with number one about, you know, in that moment, trying not to reason all the way to what we do afterwards and play around an experiment because there is all, whilst there's some general princess pulls that apply really well for all children, there'll be some subtle changes and nuances that you'll need for your family and even across your children. Now on Thursday, I'm going into one of the topics parents ask me about most at this time of year, friendships. What your child's friendships are actually telling you how to tell when to step in and when to step back and how to support without taking over. I'll see you on Thursday. Now that's all for today. Be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be to your child. You don't have to get it right every time and the fact that you're here learning and growing already says a lot. For more episodes and all the resources to help you, head to drmerihan.com. I'm drmerihan. Take good care of yourself. I'll see you on Thursday.