Speaker 1you're at the playground everything is going reasonably well and then your toddler bites another child or hits them or shoves them so hard they fall over and start crying and the space you're in or at least your version of it goes quiet every parent is looking at you the other child's parent is looking at you your toddler is completely unaware of the magnitude of what just happened and you are standing there trying to manage the situation apologize enough but not too much disciplining without losing it and holding together the absolute mortification that this child your child just did that this is one of the most common things parents of toddlers face and it is one of the most shaming today i'm going to explain why this happens why it is far more developmentally than it feels and give you three things which actually make a difference in the moment and over time i feel you if this has happened to you either just as you decide to listen to this podcast or recently or at some point i remember the gut-wrenching visceral feel of that when parenting myself but i want to start with a bit of the science because i think it might fundamentally change how you see this behavior so bear with me here so when a toddler either hit or not even a toddler a child hits bites or hurts another child it is almost never aggression in the way that we think of aggression in adults yeah it's not spiteful it's not vindictive it doesn't come from a place of trying to physically hurt it is not cruelty it is not a sign of a disturbed or dangerous child it is at its core communication the only communication available to a nervous system of that child that is overwhelmed and a brain which does not yet have the equipment to do anything else now you know we talk a lot about this idea about the prefrontal cortex the bit behind the head the part of the brain that's responsible for managing impulses that impulse control for thinking before acting for considering consequences now we know that that is not fully developed until mid-20s and when we think of a young child particularly a toddler it's barely gone online you know a two or a three-year-old who is overwhelmed frustrated excited or frightened does not have the neurological capacity yet to pause consider their options and choose a more socially acceptable response the bite the hit the shove it happens before the thinking brain has even had a say in the matter now what is also important to remember is that language plays a crucial role here most toddlers who hit or bite or do something they're doing so because they do not yet have the work to do to be able to understand what they're experiencing they're full they are too much they want the toy and they want it now they're tired and the stimulation is too high they want connection and they do not know how to ask for it so the physical action is the expression of something that they cannot yet say now this doesn't make it acceptable but it makes it understandable and understandable is where effective intervention happens so the physical action is the expression of something that they cannot yet say now this begins because when we approach it from the unacceptable then we approach it in a very different way from an understandable and there's one more thing worth naming some children bite or hit not in anger but actually the exact opposite in affection or excitement and it speaks to the same thing a toddler who loves someone fiercely and launches them at them in delight or who bites and hits them in delight and it speaks to the same thing a toddler who loves someone fiercely and launches them in delight or who bites and hits them in delight and it speaks to the same thing a toddler who loves someone fiercely and launches them in because they're overwhelmed by how much they like that person is not being aggressive they are dysregulated in the opposite direction yeah too much positive feeling not even enough of a valve not enough of a way to be able to communicate the response is the same either way the feeling underneath it is just different so when we look at this at the from a fine lens perspective we're in the actual incident the bite happened the hit happened the hit happened the hit happened the there is a crying child a horrified parent and a toddler who is either completely unbothered or has picked up on your distress and is now adding their own distress to the situation at the fine lens we're managing our own shame response the urge to over apologize to over punish our child particularly in front of others so that we can demonstrate that we disapprove to get out of the situation as fast as is humanly possible and the shame response understandable as it is is often the thing which makes our response to our child less effective because we discipline from embarrassment rather than the understanding and our child gets a reaction that is about our feet our feelings rather than about theirs so if we step back and instead adopt a wide lens approach we're asking a different question not how do i stop or how do i respond in that manner we ask ourselves the question what skill is not yet developed in my child that if it were there would mean that this this would not happen or did not happen and the answer actually is twofold the first is self-regulation so the capacity to manage and the ability to manage an overwhelming internal state whether that's a excitement or whether that's frustration without it spilling out physically and the other is self-regulation so the ability to manage an overwhelming internal space and then the second skill is emotional communication so the ability to express what they're feeling in words or actions that do not hurt anyone now both of these skills are in their infancy they're still learning to develop these in toddlerhood which is why this pattern of behavior whilst it feels so incredibly shameful to us as parents in that moment is so developmentally normal both of these skills are built over years through thousands of these small interactions in which the feelings are named the overwhelm is witnessed and alternatives to physical expression a practice the hitting and the biting are telling you something and that is the skill is not there yet our job is not to eliminate the expression of the feeling our job is to build the skill which eventually replaces it so i hope that that helps so let's just think about the skills that we're building before we can build the skills that we're building before i kind of give you my three top tips so three things sit at the heart of this particular episode the first is how to respond in the moment in a way which addresses the behavior without making things worse worse for you or your child or the other parent second it's the longer term work of building the emotional language which gives your child alternatives to physical expression and the third the skill of reading the patterns the triggers which reliably precede the incidents so that we can then reduce the conditions that make them more likely so let's go into my three top tips which address those three particular skills number one and this is in the moment is respond calmly and immediately the in the moment response matters enormously and it is the thing which shame most often derails and here is what effective looks like so move immediately get to your child quickly and calmly not running not shouting across the room calm and purposeful your nervous system sets the tone for there so if you're raging and rushing then they'll pick up on that if we're swift and calm they will pick up on that because if we arrive panicked or furious we add our dysregulation to an already dysregulated situation so address the hurt child first briefly are you okay a genuine warm acknowledgement to the child who has been hurt in front of your toddler not a performance for the other parent a real moment of care that also models to your child what we do when we hurt someone then turn to your child get down to their level calm clear brief hitting hurts we do not hit or biting hurts we do not bite that is it not a lecture a toddler cannot process a lecture and certainly not in the middle of dysregulation because they're in their primitive brain back brain and not anywhere near the the early developments of their prefrontal cortex once they're in the middle of dysregulation they're in the middle of dysregulation one sentence said clearly with eye contact and then if possible name the feeling underneath you were really frustrated hitting is not okay. Let's find another way. You were annoyed. Biting is not okay. So do not force an apology in the moment. And I know that this feels counterintuitive, but a forced apology from a dysregulated toddler is meaningless and it often escalates the situation. The apology can come later when everyone is calm and it will mean more when it is genuinely offered. Now to the other parent, a brief, genuine acknowledgement is enough. I'm so sorry. We are working on this. You do not need to punish your child dramatically to demonstrate to another parent that you are a good one. The calm, effective response is the demonstration. And what I would add to that as well is that I think there's a lot of shame around those sort of situations and that feeling that other parents are judging us. Quite frankly, if you have got another parent who is not a good parent, you are not a good parent. If you have another parent who is going to judge you, then however profusely you apologise, however frustrated you get with your child in that demonstration that you are really being effective on this unacceptable behaviour, it will make no difference. Most parents are compassionate and kind because they accept that we are all, as parents, trying to do the very best job that we can. And so staying to your lane, doing what you need to do to minimise that situation and deal with it as effectively as possible for you and your child, I believe, ought to be our primary concern. Should this happen, should the biting and hitting be happening at home? I'm going to give you some scenarios. At home with siblings and at nursery or playgroup. Now, when it's at home with sibling, the response is the same. And the privacy of home means that you have more space to process with your child afterwards. Once everyone is calm, five or six minutes later, you can return to what happened. What were you feeling when you hit or bit your sister? This is the beginning of the language building we can come to next. Now, if it happens at nursery or playgroup, the most important thing here is consistency between home and setting. So you want to talk to your child's key worker about what language that they are using, what language works. Consistency between what you do at home and across environments is one of the most powerful things that you can do. So a child who gets the same response everywhere begins to internalise the message much faster than a child who encounters different responses in different places. So number one is respond calmly and immediately. And those are for in the moment situations. Number two is we want to build the language. Now, this is our long-term work. Because remember, we're talking about often this happens. It's a communication piece. It's a communication deficit. So we want to begin to build the language so that our child is then able to express themselves emotionally. So we know that this is a long-term piece of work. You don't expect results immediately. But we know that over time, we're building those solid foundations. It's not going to happen at thousands of small interactions between incidents in the calm, ordinary moments of everyday life. Toddlers hit and bite because they do not have words for what they are feeling. Our job is to give them those words slowly and consistently until the words become available to them in the moment they need them. Now, that process takes months, sometimes years. It is worth every minute of effort that we put in. And I think that's what we're trying to do. Genuinely, I cannot express just how important this is. And not just for hitting and biting, but being able to communicate and articulate how you're feeling impacts everything. Confidence, resilience, our children being put into situations that they don't feel comfortable in, new situations, trying something out of their comfort zone, or aspects of their academic learning, emotional vocabulary and the ability to articulate that is so important. So it is absolutely worth every minute of effort that we put in. And we want to introduce the idea of alternatives, not in the moment of the bite, later in a calm, playful context. When you feel really angry, what could you do instead of hitting? Offer options, stamp your feet, use your words, squeeze something, come and find me. Practice them, make them feel real and available before they're needed. And model it yourself. When you feel frustrated, name it out loud. And I feel really tired and a bit grumpy right now. I'm going to take some deep breaths. Your toddler is watching how you handle things and those big feelings, and they are building their model of what a person does with something overwhelming. Make sure your model shows them. Now at home, books are one of the most powerful tools available for this work. Picture books about feelings give you a shared language and a safe distance. Characters in books feel things, and they feel things that your child can talk about without it being personal. I often find even using their teddy bears or their toys, or, you know, they don't have to be sort of like human-like, but that talking to about a third person is often really helpful because it doesn't become about them specifically. Read widely, revisit favourites, let your child tell you how the characters are feeling before you do. So that's what we can do at home. At nursery or playgroup, ask what language they use at nursery and mirror it at home. Many settings use zones of regulation or similar frameworks. Even a basic colour coding for feelings can give a pre-verbal child a way of communicating their state. So I often use a thermometer with different colours so that they can then point to it, or the four zones of the zones of regulation. Either way, we're giving them some framework, but if we can mirror something that is already being used in a setting, then we have consistency across the two. So we can say things like, are you in the red zone right now? It's much simpler than how are you feeling, because it doesn't require words for them to be able to articulate. And for those who are articulate, who are verbal, but non-communicative about their feelings for whatever reasons that they are, then zones of regulations or anything colour coded is a really great way for them to simply point. So the more accessible to a toddler, you know, they are anyone where they haven't got that nuanced emotional vocabulary yet, or they're not willing to share it in that way. So number two is name the feeling so we can build the language. Number three is watch for triggers and where possible, look to reduce them. It's not always possible, but where you can. So here is the thing about toddler hitting and biting, which most parents find genuinely relieving when they realise it, most incidents are not. So if you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're exactly when it will happen, but in the sense that there are almost always patterns, conditions which make it more likely. And once you see that pattern, you can do something about it before the incident rather than after it. Now, some of the common, the most common triggers are the ones you already suspect. Hunger, the well-documented hangriness is real. And for particular reasons, some toddlers in particular, it can be like particularly rapid. Blood sugar drops fast in young children and the effect on regulation is immediate. Tiredness, an overtired toddler is running on cortisol and has no regulatory capacity left. Overstimulation, a busy, noisy, unpredictable environment like a birthday party or a crowded soft play pushes the nervous system past its threshold. And if you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're especially away from something that they are enjoying is known, is a known high risk moment. So start noticing the pattern. When does it tend to happen? What time of day? What kind of environment? Who else is involved? What happened in the hour before? You're not looking for certainty. You're just looking for clusters and patterns. And once you see the clusters, you can then act on them. That might mean scheduling play group before, hunger sets in rather than after. Leaving a party or a play date 20 minutes before you think you need to, before your child tips over the edge, maybe bringing a snack and offering it proactively at the point in the session where you know energy tends to drop. Staying close when the environment is high stimulation rather than chatting to another parent and hoping for the best. You're not eliminating all possibility and you're not being hyper vigilant of an incident. You're just conditions which will make one more likely and what will happen over time, obviously, as our children develop the language and they develop that impulse control and the ability to communicate, you'll do less of that. You'll sort of pull away more. Now at home, the highest risk moments at home are typically transition times. When a sibling has a toy they want, when you need to end something that they're enjoying, where tiredness is high and patience is low, plan ahead for these moments. A five-minute warning before a transition, a snack at 4pm when the post-nursery crash is predictable, and wind down before bath time rather than straight from high-energy play to the bathroom. Now at nursery or play group, we want to share our pattern observations with our child's key worker. You know, they're watching the same child and will likely have observations of their own, and together you can build a picture which is more complete than either of those. So if you're watching a play group, you can build a picture which is more complete than either of those. So if you're watching a play group, you can build a picture of either of you has alone. And a setting that is aware of your child's specific triggers can make environmental adjustments which reduce incidents without any additional intervention. Now everything in this episode is aimed at the typical developmental range. For most toddlers, hitting and biting reduces significantly between the ages of three and four as language develops and regulation capacity grows. If you are doing the work described here and it is not reducing, or if the behavior is actually intensifying rather than stabilizing, or if it is persisting well into the preschool and reception years in a way which is affecting your child's relationships and their place in their setting, it is worth speaking to your health visitor or GP. There may be a sensory, developmental, or emotional reason which warrants a closer look. Now it does not mean something is seriously wrong. It means getting the right support sooner rather than later. And hopefully that has been a helpful way of revisiting what I think is a very highly charged and shameful situation that we can find ourselves in. And it is so developmentally normal. Now on Thursday, I am talking about something which feels completely different on the surface, but is driven by the same underlying question. Raising boys in the age of the manosphere. What is the manosphere? Why is it reaching our sons? And what we can do about it as parents before it takes hold? I'll see you then. Your toddler hitting or biting other children is not a reflection of your parenting. It is a reflection of a nervous system which is not yet equipped to manage overwhelming feelings in any other way. And that nervous system will become equipped to manage overwhelming feelings in any other way. And that is equipped with time, with the right conditions, and with a parent who understands what is actually happening and responds to it with clarity rather than shame. The three things respond calmly and immediately in the moment. Address the hurt child first. Keep the message to your toddler brief and clear. Name feelings consistently and build the emotional language that they will eventually replace the physical response. And watch for patterns. Identify the triggers and reduce the conditions that make incidents likely. If this episode has helped, please share it with a parent of a toddler who is in the middle of this. And I will see you on Thursday.
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