Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, The Superpower of Eating Together, I wanted to tackle something that I thought so often people write in and will ask me about. Their child not being very confident, maybe they don't put their hands up in class, maybe they really struggle with friendships, maybe they don't push themselves out of the comfort zone. And it occurred to me when I was reading this statistic around mealtimes that we have at our disposal three times a day, let's say our children do actually eat breakfast, three times a day, seven days a week. So, 21 opportunities at the top end. I know that that isn't necessarily the case for everybody. But we have a fair number of opportunities available to us in our toolkit each and every day where we can really practice some of the skills that help our children be super confident, super resilient, manage conflict and a whole host of other things. And that is mealtimes. So, did you know that 25% of families, so only a quarter of families, eat a family meal just once a week? Now, I know how busy I am, but I know that I'm not going to be able to do that every day. So, children are doing all sorts of activities. As parents, we're commuting and we've got work commitments. So, I'm not suggesting we should all be sat around a table to eat each and every day at each and every meal. It's about what works best for our family. I guess what I want to do with this particular episode is inform you of the superpowers in lots of ways that eating together affords us as parents and for our children. And particularly to address this really big issue that I often get about parents that say that their children are really shy, they're lacking in confidence, they find it difficult to make and maintain friendships, they feel lonely. So, let me see if I can persuade you to just dial up the eating together just a notch. Now, before I go into why the superpowers of eating together, I just want to say, well, I want to acknowledge one particular thing. When I'm talking about eating together, it's about people being seated around a table. It is not about the times that we sit with entrees and eat our dinner and we watch something. No problem with that. What I'm talking about here are the superpowers of being seated around a table. That does also encompass when you sit around a table because your children are eating at an earlier time, then maybe you would sit with your partner and you would have your evening meal later. The powers, the superpowers, are still there. This is about being seated around a table with our children, sharing food, but also sharing time and space with them if we are then going to eat later on. So, let me talk you through. The first one, I think, for me in terms of why it's so powerful, addresses the increasing number of children that report themselves as feeling lonely. We're getting rising numbers of children that feel very lonely. What happens with family time when we sit around a table is, in lots of ways, and our children won't necessarily feel it in that moment, but it's a constant reminder that they're connected to something bigger than them, that they have a tribe, that they have a collective, that they're not alone. And that is great from just your family, but they get an even more marked sense of that, being part of something bigger than themselves, when we then also gather with our extended family or when we gather with our neighbours and other things. So, those big events, whether that's Christmas, whether that's Easter, whether it's just a summer barbecue, really helps as well solidify this notion for our children that people have got their back, they're not on their own, there are people that they can call upon should they need to. So, I think that that is a really important aspect of addressing that. And I do also believe that what happens when we sit around together is that it creates and builds that connection because we have shared memories, we have shared experiences. Now, you may well be listening to this saying, Mary-Anne, I don't want the shared experiences that we're currently experiencing around the mealtime, which is battles with my four-year-old who won't sit at the table, or battles with my two-year-old who keeps throwing food, or my teen who wants to have their phone at the table. I get it, and obviously, but that is still part of those shared experiences. And I believe that when we, as parents, we get to choose what are the absolute non-negotiables in our house, and where will we flex some muscle and some bandwidth around what our children are able to do in terms of the interpretation for that. I believe that the benefits that we get from being seated around a table more regularly than once a week are so profound that they are worth battling through because your children, regardless of whether there's battles there, will gain some benefit. And these are the benefits that I think are particularly important. The first is it does build communication skills. Even if there are tears, there are tantrums, there are frustrations around what's presented in front of them, maybe, or what their sibling is being irritating or annoying. It builds communication skills because we're asking them to articulate, to orate, to say, to express. Their feelings to others using language. And that's such a crucial aspect in terms of our children being able to communicate with friendships in terms of social situations, build and foster friendships, but also for their capabilities in the wider world to be able to communicate their needs and express themselves in other ways. So family meals, superpower, building those communication skills. The other skills that it has is that it's all about conflict resolution. And whether that's the conflict resolution with the sibling who's being really irritating or whether it's conflict resolution because you are discussing, you're posing questions, you're having philosophical discussions. And they don't have to be hugely deep and meaningful, although they can be sometimes. But our children then learn to be respectful of other people's opinions. Let's say they've heard something on the news. Maybe you pose a question. And if you were in charge for the day, what would you do? Maybe it's a school holiday and you ask, what should we do with the day? And one child wants to do one thing. Another child wants to do another. That whole ability to communicate their feelings, communicate their views and then manage conflict. I disagree with you, but I can be respectful of your opinion. I can learn to take turns in terms of listening to your voice and for you to express your opinion. And whilst it might differ from mine, I can then articulate my opinion. And my view and then through that conflict, we can then work and problem solve and find ways to reach some sort of common ground or at least reach some ground where it's we'll do that first and then we'll do this. Friendships are all about conflict resolution. Work is all about conflict resolution. Managing people, being around people is all about conflict resolution. So it is such a powerful superpower of being seated around a table eating together. So conflict resolution is another big one. The next one is around using their voice to express their opinion. Now we've talked about communication skills, but using their voice is around finding the right tone in terms of how they express their opinion. Understanding the difference between stressing a point and their voice being raised and then also varying the level of their voice. Being able to feel confident enough to be able to be really honest about how they're feeling about something, but doing so in a respectful and a kind way. And using their voice to express themselves and their opinion is such a big part of friendships. There'll be many of you listening to this that will have the chameleon-esque child who adapts and modifies themselves to whatever situation that they're in to please any friendship that they might be around. But they very rarely express themselves on what they're they really want. In a home environment where they feel much safer, they've got that knowledge of unconditional love of, yes, there's possibly concern a little bit about judgment, but nothing like the judgment and the fear that they have around friendships. So this is a really great place for them to practice those skills, to build that confidence of, I can use my voice, I can express myself, I can hear it being valued and validated, and then that gives them that confidence, it builds that courage almost, to be able to then venture into using their voice in other situations, as well as expressing around boundaries. So using their voice is a really great one, as well as some of the other aspects, eye contact, being able to pick up cues in terms of non-verbal communication, and then be able to utilise those in other situations. many superpowers to having these round the table opportunities and I've only touched on some of them but I guess what I really want you to be able to see and to understand and to hear around this is that so often we're trying to fix an issue where we've got a child who's struggling with friendships or we've got a child who's supremely shy or we've got a child who then won't push themselves out of their comfort zone and so we're looking for external things in order to help fix that problem and yet right on our doorstep we have opportunities to build the skills to empower them around friendships to then give them that courage and that bravery to step outside their comfort zone to try new things to push themselves in those situations right on our doorstep so I hope I have convinced you I hope you feel now that you can look at mealtimes and see what's going on and I hope you feel now that you can look at mealtimes and see what's going on and I hope you feel now that you can look at mealtimes in a whole different way and if you are having challenges around mealtimes if it is an absolute war zone getting children to the table sat at the table arguments at the table I have got a podcast episode that addresses that very specifically so head to the website drmerryhand.com and if you go to the top right hand corner you will have a search option and if you type mealtimes you will then pick up previous podcast episodes that address the other aspect to it as ever if you have enjoyed this episode I would be eternally grateful if you could rate follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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