Speaker 1it's 7 30 in the evening you've been running around since six this morning you've done everything you need to do today and all you want all you are asking for is for your child to go to sleep and instead here you are the toddler who keeps appearing at the top of the stairs the eight-year-old who needs one more glass of water one more cuddle just one more question the 14-year-old who is technically in bed but whose phone is absolutely not off and you both know it bedtime is a battle at every age it looks different every time but the exhaustion it creates is universal and the frustrating thing is that most of the advice out there is either too simplistic just do a routine or aimed at babies when actually the battle often gets harder not easier as children get older today i'm giving you three things which actually help not three things but three things which actually help three things which actually help three things that work for some children some of the time three things which address what is actually driving the battle at every age so that you can start shifting the dynamic rather than just surviving the next hour now i hope you're well i know that this episode if you are listening to this i so feel your pain i am one of these people that really does not function but genuinely do not function very well when i am sleep deprived or sleep interrupted so i totally feel you what i want to say before i sort of dive in and i'm sure i'll caveat this quite regularly this episode is for you if you are unhappy with the current sleep arrangements and how sleep is in your household if you are choosing for your children to come and sleep with you or you sleep with them and quite frankly you're happy with that it's not ideal but you're happy with that then know that that is absolutely okay you are not going to screw up your kids by doing that this is more about whether you have decided that actually what's currently happening at home isn't something that is working for you and your family and you want to make some changes i can remember very vividly having sleep battles particularly with with with our first i can remember that that was a very vivid experience for me and i can remember that that was a very the minute that he went into a bed and then realized that he'd get in and out all of the time so i can remember that padding along on the landing and you just knew he was going to appear at the top of the stairs and say hello so i absolutely get that and i can remember going through periods of time where we did do co-sleeping and we were fine with it and then we weren't fine with it so i understand that kind of tussle so there is no judgment whatsoever in this episode what i do know is that i hear time and time again about parents feeling that their child is not as regulated the next day is not able to show up as their the best version of themselves and whether that's a young child but particularly as they go up into the teen years so this addresses the science behind sleep and why what you are currently doing may not be working so if you are looking to shift things this will give you some really genuine ways that will work regardless of the age and stage of your child so before we get into my three things i want to talk about what is actually happening at bedtime because understanding it changes how you look at the strategies that you may or may not have been using and why they may or may not be working so what's really important to think about is that sleep does not arrive on demand if we if our bedtime at 7 30 8 8 30 whatever time that bedtime is it doesn't just we click our fingers we get our children into bed and it just suddenly arrives on demand it can for some children but for most we the brain needs to be sort of walked towards sleep think about yourself if you had a super busy day going from one thing to the next to the next you know you're exhausted and then you you go to bed but often you're wired you can't go to sleep straight away so it's this idea about we have to create the conditions for our brain to then be ready for sleep so we all know the hormone melatonin the sleep hormone now that is produced when light decreases and the body begins to wind down now melatonin can't be rushed and it can be disrupted very easily by the wrong kind of light at the wrong time by a nervous system that is still running from the day or by a brain that has not had any signal at all that sleep is supposed to be coming okay now for young children i will also add a caveat here that they can also part of that sleep piece can also be a bit of a separation element going to sleep means being alone and for children under seven ish remember i'm into ages and stages not absolute ages but around that sort of age the transition to being on their own that aloneness can genuinely be a bit sort of worry provoking so it's not a manipulation it's developmental it's a developmental reality so the toddler who keeps getting out of their bed i know it feels like they're testing you but it could be that their nervous system is still calibrating whether it's safe to be without you for older children and teenagers the picture's slightly different so here we get fomo the fear of missing out becomes a real driver of that difficulty about going to sleep social media group chats the sense that something is happening that they are not part of that as a result of that they may be excluded from that friendship group that they may not have that sense of belonging that they may not have that sense of belonging and acceptance by their contemporaries and peers which is huge and that worry overrides their body's natural signals towards sleep and obviously screens compound it blue light from phones and tablets suppresses melatonin production by up to two hours regardless of what your young people maybe will be saying to you about all of the advancements that we have in technology that seems to be able to filter out that blue light and make it less of a case that is going on and so what's happening is your teenager and these when they're on their devices they're not choosing to stay awake it's just that their brain hasn't yet been told that it's time for sleep because their phone is telling them it's in the middle of the afternoon so the three things that i'm going to give you work because they address these three drivers the wind down the brain needs the environment which either supports or fights sleep and the question of who is responsible for making sleep a reality so the three things that i'm going to give you work because they address sleep happen now if we look at it from the lens of fine and wide lens remember the fine lens is focused on the problem in front of us so the fine lens we are the battle we're in a battle yeah we're negotiating the fourth request for water we are lying on the floor of a toddler's room at nine o'clock at night wondering how we got there we are standing outside a teenager's door knowing the phone is on not knowing whether to knock or walk away because are we going to create a whole battle the fine lens asks how do i get them to sleep tonight i'm going to ask you to zoom out and take the wide lens view because that asks something different that asks what skill is not yet developed that if it were it would mean none of this required your presence and the answer is self-settling the ability to manage the transition from wakefulness to sleep independently without needing an external regulator a child who can self-settle is not just easier to put to bed they are building a regulation skill which will serve them for life the adult who can wind themselves down at the end of a hard day and who can manage their own sleep without depending on something external that capacity is built in increments it doesn't happen overnight and it happens across their childhood so the bedtime battle is not just about tonight it's about whether we are healthy and whether we are developing that skill form or accidentally preventing it from forming because we keep showing up to do the job ourselves so the skills i'm going to focus on within this episode there are three things at the heart of this episode first it's creating the environmental conditions which actually support sleep rather than fighting it because no amount of routine will work in the wrong environment second we're building a wind down habit which signals to the brain and the body that sleep is coming consistently enough that the body starts responding to it automatically and third gradually transferring gradually it's not overnight gradually transferring the responsibility for settling to the child themselves at a pace that is appropriate for their age and stage of development so that we become less necessary over time rather than more so here are my three tips so here are my three tips activity right up until the moment we say bed, and then wonder why the brain's not ready. You know, go back to that analogy of how busy your day is. If you've gone from one thing to the next to the next, you've come home, you've eaten, and then you're trying to go to bed. It just, your brain is still wired. You've not kind of created that wind down window. So the wind down window is a dedicated period. So let's aim for 30 minutes at a minimum before you're expecting sleep. Okay. So what we want to do in those 30 minutes is we want to ensure that the environment and the activities that our children are participating in, in that wind down window, are deliberately calming. And I would say that for younger children, this isn't optional. What we probably want to do with our teenagers is have a more collaborative conversation around the wind down, and they probably won't thank you for calling it the wind down window. So instead, we're expressing it as a, how can we prepare your brain and body for sleep? Now, what this window looks like does matter. So screens off, something calming, whether that's reading, drawing, building something quietly, a bath, some quiet music, and a conversation which is not loaded. If you've got a child, who likes to unpick all of the things that have been going on in their brain during the day, that kind of rumination and those worries, it's best to do that before the wind down window. And as I often recommend, I love the worry box so that you have an apportioned amount of time that they can talk about any worries that are sort of going through their mind. You then post those worries. So they write them on pieces of paper, you post them into a shoe box with a hole at the top, because what you're doing is you're saying, okay, now you've deposited those out of your brain so that you can sleep. I will take that away so that we can now prep for bed. And if there's anything that we need to talk about anymore, we can open that box tomorrow. So we're sort of compartmentalizing that. We want to really protect that wind down window. And we do that same sequence in the same order every night, because the repetition is not just habit. It then becomes what we call this neurological cue. Your brain recognizes over time when you've done it, even from the first step, ah, we're preparing for sleep. And so that cue helps your brain just sort of go into it automatically in future. You know, what we're doing is we're helping our brain learn to associate the sequence with the sleep that's coming. And so what then happens is it begins producing melatonin in response to it right from the beginning of that neurological cue. So we're literally training a biological response. Now it does take a few weeks to build, and then it works automatically. So persevere. I know it can feel really challenging when you feel like you're not getting anywhere, but you are just persevere. Now with younger children, the classic sort of bath milk story, maybe you have a quiet little singalong, works particularly well. It's physiologically really effective. The warm bath, does lower the core body temperature as it cools down, which triggers sleep, sleepiness. And the story provides that lovely calm connection, which addresses any sort of separation worry that they might have. If there's a little song or a little saying that you have, that's also a cue. Do the same sequence in the same order every single night, even on weekends, even when you're away. Consistency is the mechanism. As we're moving up to primary stories, at this age, they'll often resist winding down because they're not yet tired, or they think they're not. 30 minutes of screen-free time before bed is the non-negotiable. Now, I personally would have a preference for us to be doing the same type, obviously we're not necessarily going to be doing milk, the same type of routine that we do with younger children. However, I do accept that if you currently have a child who can't do it, you can do it. So if you have a child who can't do it, cannot go to sleep without an audiobook or a podcast playing quietly while they're lying, then maintain that so that you can then begin to get this consistency of sleep. I personally would much prefer that what we do is we get our children into the habit of reading independently. That doesn't have to be that they are reading, reading, but just that ability to enjoy a book, even if they are into cults. Or mazes, and they are in it's just they're flicking through a book, they don't have to be reading intently. The reason why I don't particularly want you to go down the audio or podcast route is, you know, let's think of the wide lens, we're trying to raise adults who can do this independently on their own. If we're creating habits, when they're young, it can become really difficult to break that. So no judgment, if that's what you're using at the moment. And, and you just want to put all of the other bits and pieces together. And that's what we're doing. And that's that I talk about in this episode into practice, keep doing that. And then I would encourage you to think about are there other ways that they can begin to self soothe without that. If you are not currently using an audio book or a podcast, I would recommend trying to find other mechanisms such as books that they can or magazines that they can flick through as a way of preparing themselves for bed. With teenager, I think the wind down window just needs a bit of a conversation rather than an instruction. And they need to understand rather than because I said so, because generally, the I said so doesn't land particularly well at 14. And that doesn't mean that I'm expecting you to not be parents and not set boundaries. It's more a case of you're much more likely to get a consistent joined up approach, if they understand the mechanics of sleep, and how it's affecting them. And I would really be looking, rather than lecturing them is really speak to things that are important to them. So if they are tired all of the time, if they're finding that they're particularly emotional, if they're finding that their energy is lacking, or that they're struggling with certain things, speak to how sleep could be a good foundation to shifting the challenge that they have in that particular area, rather than launching into a one size fits all lecture of this is the importance of sleep and Mary Hansen. So I think it's just about the way that we approach it here. And just really making that wind down a non negotiable, whilst also remembering, I would say with the teens, which I didn't mention, that their brain is going through a whole huge rewiring. And so there is a tendency with adolescence for the brain to shift its sleep and wake cycle so that it can shift up to four hours and difference from what has happened previously. So we probably want to be aware of that. And that the wind down window then gives us the best opportunity to for them to be able to then sleep when it is the most effective for them to then still be able to function the next day. Because whilst there might be some flex in terms of what time they go to sleep, if they're obviously a teenager who's at school, or even if they're being homeschooled, they need to be up by a particular time. And that time is a non negotiable. So we're really looking at working collaboratively with them. So number one is, build the wind down window. Number two, fix the environment. And this one sounds basic. And it is consistently underestimated. The environment is not the icing on the cake. For many families, it'll actually be the reason that nothing else is working. Light is the most important variable. The brain reads light as a signal about whether it is day or night, and whether there is light in the room, any light, including the glow of a street lamp through thin curtains, melatonin production is suppressed. So if you are in a position to be able to install blackout blinds or blackout curtains, then that will be super helpful. For young children, especially the difference between adequate darkness and proper darkness is often the difference between a child who settles and one who does not. And also just sort of have a bit of a scan in the room to make sure that, you know, the power sockets on things, just anything which might, when the lights are switched off, may well be interfering. The second one, and actually, this is a really big one, I think that we underestimate, is that temperature really matters because the brain needs to drop its core temperature slightly to initiate sleep. So a room that is too hot actively prevents this. So the ideal temperature for children is slightly, slightly cooler than the rest of the house, which we might not necessarily think of. We kind of think warm, cozy, go to sleep. But in fact, we need it just that little bit cooler. So around 16 to 18 degrees Celsius. If the room is warm, and you can't really do very much about it, then if you have a fan, which basically just moves the air without necessarily cooling it, can significantly help. And for some children, that white noise that it produces is a bit of an additional bonus. It often helps. For children in that regard. So having a fan can be helpful. And in fact, if you've got a child who's currently listening to podcasts or audio books, that may well be a genuine helpful switch initially, is just having a fan. a fan which creates some noise to do that so with children generally we're looking at blackout blinds a slightly cool room white noise if they're using it and just checking that there aren't lights from monitors night lights or digital clocks that are brighter than we might think you know if if we've got a child who needs a light on a night light then make sure that it's that it's dimmed and warm toned rather than bright or blue toned but the idea is we want to try and make it as dark and as cool as as possible because then that can make a big difference now with teenagers the phone in the bedroom at night is the single biggest sleep disruptor for most teenagers and also the hardest thing to address if you have not set that as a firm boundary from the outset because we know it's there it's where their social life lives and we've talked about that a lot in the past and we've talked about that a lot in the past and we've talked about this idea about FOMO it's a really big thing and if you're listening and you're a parent of a teenager you have no doubt heard that but all my friends have got their phones in their room and all my friends are allowed to be on their phones until midnight so that FOMO is real that fear of missing out because of course what drives them is all about this desire to be included and to be part of that accepted and part of their tribe so it can be the hardest bit so the approach I find which works most effectively is collaborative and gradual so charge the phone outside the bedroom start with one night a week if that's all you can negotiate if and I'm suggesting this is only the case if you are currently in complete headlock with a teenager who is you know basically refusing to go to sleep without their phone their mobile in their bedroom if you haven't yet given your child a phone then this I would strongly encourage you as one of the responsibilities of a teenager to go to sleep but if you are in deadlock then at least start with one night a week if we can negotiate that we then get them a very cheap analog alarm because all teenagers whenever I go to any school tell me that they use their mobile phone as their alarm clock and every single time I tell them there are clocks that you can have that work exactly the same way that are much better to have in your bedroom as an alarm so a clear agreement rather than a confiscation teenagers who are brought into the why are far more likely to maintain it than teenagers who are simply told they need to comply with the rule that's number two and number three hand over responsibility now this is the one which requires the most from us as parents because it means tolerating a period of things going less smoothly before they do get better and it is also the most important part of the rule it is the one that actually builds the skill so as long as we are the settling tool and we are not happy with that remember if you are the settling tool and you're happy with that then you carry on as is this is literally if you are the settling tool and you're not happy with that the presence the voice the hand on the back the lying on the floor until they're asleep while we're doing that our children don't need to develop the capacity to settle themselves because we've become their external regulator and we're not going to be able to do that if we don't have the capacity to settle which means the internal one never has to develop because we provide it externally for them so it's not a moral failing it is how it happens when we respond to the cries or the requests or the presence at the door night after night because it works in the short term of course it does but short-term solutions to bedtime often become long-term dependencies now the handover though is a gradual process we do not withdraw overnight we move back in increments a little less present a little less available each step giving the child slightly more of the responsibility for settling themselves it is uncomfortable for both of you in the transition and that discomfort is not a sign that it is not working it is a sign the skill is being demanded of them possibly for the first time so with our young children we want that withdrawal to be gradual that works particularly well start with sitting in the room until they sleep move the chair a little further or sit further away towards the door every few nights sit outside the door then move away entirely and this can take two to three weeks and does require consistency if you go back to lying next to them on a hard night you're basically resetting and that's fine but it's i'm just trying to sort of this isn't going to work overnight so setting our expectations and managing our own expectations means that when we have a difficult night it doesn't become the end of it it becomes a i know that this is part of a process that is going to take time what's happening is your toddler is learning that sleep is safe without you being there and that is a real and important thing for them to learn now with primary school children that the handover looks slightly different maybe one check-in after they're in bed you come back five minutes later say good night properly after that they're responsible for settling establishing this clearly and calmly after our good night it's your job to go to sleep i'm not going to keep coming back if there is something genuinely wrong i'm here but the settling is yours the first few nights there will be testing hold the boundary warmly they will settle it is the consistency which builds the habit now with our teenagers by the time they've got to this point bedtime is increasingly that cannot be managed from the outside at all we can influence the environment we can have the conversation about sleep quality we can set reasonable expectations about when the house goes quiet but we cannot make literally make a 15 year old go to sleep what they can do what we can do is ensure that the conditions are right and that the responsibility is clearly theirs the goal is a teenager who manages their own sleep because they understand why it matters not one who complies while we're watching over and ignores it the moment that we're not and i hope that that has given you some real concrete reasons really why some of the existing tips and strategies you've been using haven't worked because these are the foundations that are the reasons why sleep doesn't happen and we need those there in order to build anything else on there now on thursday i am talking about sibling rivalry especially when it happens and how to stop being the referee and just like today the answer is not about managing the moment better it's about stepping back in a way which builds something i'll see you then bedtime does not have to be the hardest part of your day it can be genuinely one of the most connecting parts and only once the battle is out of it the three things build the wind down window and give the brain 30 minutes to think about what to do next it's a warning before sleep is expected fix the environment because light and temperature and devices are working against you if you have not addressed them and hand over the responsibility gradually and consistently so that settling becomes your child's skill rather than your nightly job if this episode has helped please share it with a parent who is in the middle of a bedtime battle themselves tonight and drop me an email at contact at drmaryhand.com if there is a topic you'd like me to cover i'll see you on thursday
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