Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the Bucket Emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying episode has been brought to you by a listener who was asked specifically around how to manage sharing bedrooms. So, in situations where children are sharing bedrooms, how do we kind of optimise it, I guess, for harmony? Obviously, for so many people, we are in situations where we don't have the luxury of being able to give each child their own bedroom and there may well be a period of time in our children's lives where they need to share a bedroom or they may well be sharing a bedroom for their whole life. I certainly remember in my very, very young years, my brother, my sister and I sharing one bedroom. And I think when we were like really, really young, we may have even shared a bed. And then as we got older, I shared a bedroom with my sister, probably till I was about 12. So, there was a lot of wrangling and negotiation here. So, it's not an easy thing. However, there are workarounds, there are things that we can do to optimise harmony. Now, I'm not going to talk about harmony, I'm not going to talk about harmony. I'm not going to talk about harmony, I'm not going to talk about harmony, I'm not going to talk specifically around specific ages. If you are in a scenario where you have children who need to share, then generally speaking, what we're looking at trying to do is optimise matches based on developmental stage and also gender. For example, if you've got three children and you've got two really young children, maybe you've got a four-year-old and a two-year-old, one's a boy and one's a girl, makes absolute sense for them to be in a room together. So, if you're in a room together and away from an 11-year-old. However, what we find is as our children get older and we've got them going through specific changes, then despite the age difference, it is better to have girls together and boys together. So, that's kind of the general theme. What I want to talk about much more specifically is how do we manage the day-to-day once we've made that call in terms of who shares a room with who. If you've got questions specifically on that, do write in and I can respond specifically, but I want to talk in sort of general terms. And I've got five top tips. The first one is all about managing expectations. Managing your own expectations in terms of it, it's never going to be completely smooth. We know that sibling harmony and sibling friction occurs. And when we place them in an environment where they're going to be together more so, they don't have that space as such to call their own, then we're always going to see a little bit more friction. So, we're going to see a little bit more of that. So, A is managing your expectations, but also managing the expectations of our children, particularly if this is likely to be long-term, as in this is the way it's going to be for a huge part of their formative years, then I think it's really important that we have that conversation. If it's also temporary, as in it could be three years, four years, then we can also manage expectations that way too. So, it's about managing expectations generally because that sets the scene and makes the playing field super, super level. Number two, and this is where we start getting into the real nitty-gritty. So, it's about encouraging children throughout the process and some of the other areas that we're going to look at, is encouraging those that share the room together to problem solve all of the specific areas we're going to talk about. It's about helping find workable solutions and be able to check in regularly. So, I find that there's a lot of work that needs to be done. I find that there's a lot of work that needs to be done. So, I find it's really great. I talk a lot about family meetings and how crucial those are in terms of keeping the kind of the dynamics within a family working really well. I also think that it's really helpful to have room meetings as in discussions between those that share regularly. Now, might have to be weekly initially if there's lots of friction or it can be every few weeks because our children change. There are different ages and stages of their development. And so, what may well work in April by July because of an age and stage may no longer be workable. So, it's really encouraging that they're in it together. It's about problem solving. It's about finding optimal solutions. It's their space. They work collaboratively together to make it the best possible shared space that they've got. But they also communicate and regularly review. So, we can, you know, so it's building those opportunities so that review process is really available to them at all times. So those two, managing expectations and encouraging this problem solving is really a sort of a maintenance piece throughout. Now let's talk about three things that we can really get into the nitty gritty of how we work on it day to day. The first one that I would say is about creating space within that room for each child to have a no-go zone, to have a boundary, to have a portion or a section of that room that is entirely for them. Because this helps our children get a sense of their own room within a room. So this is where their problem solving skills come in. This is where we want to be kind of like super creative in terms of optimising the way that the bed or beds are laid out. Do we do bunk beds? Because by providing bunk beds, does that then facilitate more floor space? Or if that's not going to work, how do we kind of have the beds arranged in order to do that? How can we optimise clever storage vertically so that there is more of that floor space? And obviously dependent on the age and stage, how much floor space does your child need? For younger children, for example, they've got toys, they've got puzzles, they've got things that require lots of floor space. Older children often don't make the same use of the floor space, but might want space either at a table or a desk or on their bed. So this is where the problem solving comes in. This is where the collaborative bit works, as in, hey guys, this is your room, this is your space. And within this room, these are your sections, these are your rooms, these are your no-goes, these are the boundaries. And then being really creative about how those spaces are used. I think in lots of ways, if you've got a room that can be very easily divided and you've got a scenario, well, actually, it doesn't even matter if you've got a bunk bed, you can still divide the space or if you've got two single beds. But what you can do within that is in lots of ways say, how might you want your section, your bedroom within the bedroom to look? How might you want your bedroom within the bedroom to look? And then that creation of boundaries. Obviously, part of that collaborative piece is the position of the door, whether there is a transition from one space to another space, in terms of just the pathway getting in and out of the bedroom. But helping your child feel that there is a sense of area within that room that is entirely theirs, and being very clear in the communication between the siblings that that space is a boundary and a no-go zone. And then discussions around where they may or may not end up. For example, you may have a room that has a built-in wardrobe that both children need to be able to access, that may well mean that one child is crossing a zone of another child. So it's about that communication. But where a child can identify an area within the room that is theirs, and theirs only, that can have a huge impact. Because what you're trying to do is help them place some sort of stamp of their identity within that space that is a boundary and a no-go zone. And that's what you're trying to do. And that's what you're that is theirs, and allows them to tap into their own creativity. And part of the regular communication that we're having about that, which, you know, we're roomies, and how do we have those conversations, is around each child being able to be respectful of the age and stage that the other sibling is at, and being respectful of what that other sibling needs and requires for them to feel that that space is theirs. So creating space for each child within the room that they're is a really important part of helping them feel that their identity is reflected in the space they go to sleep at night and use. The next one is about providing times when the room is used only by one child at a time. And that allows them to experience this notion of, this is my space, this is my bedroom. Not only am I in my room within my room, but I'm also in my bedroom within my room, but I've been given the whole space in order to enjoy. And at those times, when it's their time, then we would expect, and it would be allowed, a certain element of infringement into the other child's zone, but not around the boundaries of certain objects, toys, and things that belong to each child. So it's really that this is much more about infringing on the zone in terms of the space. And that's what we're trying to do. So it's really that this is much more about infringing on the zone in terms of the space, rather than the things that are in that space. And doing that is such an important part because bedrooms in lots of ways for our children are seen as a safe, quiet space, seen as a place where they can recharge, where they can zone out, where they can be alone, away from the hustle and bustle that family life invariably creates. And knowing that they have that room, and I would encourage you to look at doing this every single day. Children, as well as adults, we really flourish in having that time to ourselves to use. And if we only do that once a week or every other day, it's not enough. So really affording them that time, again, part of the problem solving, part of the conversation, and part of the dialogue is working out when those times might be. They don't have to be back to back. If you give one child a particular time, the other child doesn't necessarily have it immediately afterwards. It's about being creative and really considering the ages and stages. For example, if you've got a five-year-old and an 11-year-old sharing a bedroom, two girls. It may well be very easy for the five-year-old's time to be scheduled in around bedtime so that the five-year-old gets that space before bath and other things, for example, because their bedtime will generally be earlier than the 11-year-old. The 11-year-old is likely to have some homework that they need to complete. So there may well be very easy ways that that can happen so that you can carve out the five-year-old's time at that time. And then the 11-year-old's time at a different time, which will probably need to be earlier. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can be creative within your household around ways that you can do that. And because you're going to be reviewing the roommate agreement, which is the next one, regularly, then it allows you to have this review and this discussion around, this isn't currently working for me, five-year-old, isn't working for me, 11-year-old, and then they have to present. So the next one is the roommate agreement. And in lots of ways, our children are learning, they're practicing sharing a space with someone else, which if they go to university, they will do at some point. When they leave home, very few young people are in a position to then be able to rent or even purchase a home where it's just them. They're going to have to be sharing. So these are really great. skills in terms of their future sharing, but also in terms of friendships. So a roommate agreement is something that is really simple around the zones, the boundaries, the items and objects and toys that are kept very separate. This is my very precious thing, and it's kept here and it shouldn't be touched. This is my precious thing, it's kept here and it shouldn't be touched. And then agreeing some form of this is the time that I get to use it. use the room. This is the time that I get to use the room. And then a regular commitment to regularly review that. And I would even encourage them to sign it, even your two-year-old, because I think that that creates this real recognition and an acknowledgement that we are working collaboratively together. And this is an indication of my commitment and promise to respect your space. And this is your commitment and promise to respect my space. So I think a roommate agreement is an excellent bit to do as well. But the final one, and this trumps everything that we've talked about, is the priority amongst all things when it comes to sharing a room is sleep. So it's about ensuring that whatever we agree, the times, the zones, how we conduct ourselves, how we communicate, and how our children are within the room, must not infringe, must not negatively impact the ability for either child to sleep. So when we're looking at older children sharing with younger siblings, then it's about ensuring that if the older sibling, for example, has the privilege of staying up later and is downstairs, and they then come into the room, if that process of them coming into the room, that they are noisy, that they bang around, that they wait for them to come in, that they wait for them to come in, that they wait for them to wake their sibling, then that has had an impact on sleep. And therefore, there needs to be a review on how things are currently working. And that review could be, well, actually, staying up later isn't working. But more likely, the review is around, if you want to continue with this, staying up later in order, because you're older, then you need to demonstrate more respect for the older sibling. So if you're older, then you need to demonstrate more respect for the older sibling. And create that problem solving to resolve that. And then we can filter through and do all of the other steps. So I hope that answers the listener question. But I also hope that that answers the question for all of you who are in this situation, because many of us are in a situation where our children simply need to share a room. And hopefully, by implementing some of these strategies, that can be done. So I hope that answers the question for all of you who are in this situation, because many of us are in a situation where our siblings sharing bedrooms. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be eternally grateful if you could rate, follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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