Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, How Can I Help My Child Manage Exam Stress, is for all of you parents who are currently supporting a child or a teen that is having some form of either exam stress or test stress. Although I would argue that what I'm going to talk about can be applied to any form of stress, but it's very specific slant on exams and stress. So, I think what we need to start off by understanding and reminding ourselves, I guess, more than anything else, is that stress or worry basically is a mismatch between what your child feels is expected of them and what they feel that they can deliver. There's this gap somewhere in the middle of that. If you imagine stepping stones and when we feel stressed, when our children feel stressed, the next step on that stepping stone feels so far that we can't possibly make it. It's just the gap is too big and that's really what we're going to be talking about. Now, what's crucial when we think about this mismatch, when we think about this gap or whether you consider my well-being seesaw, is the gap or the mismatch is not an objective measure. It's subjective. So, it's really a reflection of how your child feels is the gap and the mismatch between what they feel that they're capable of and what the task is specifically asking of them. So, it's really crucial. It's crucial that when we're responding to our children and when we're looking to help and support them, that we do so in a, we take an approach that acknowledges and recognises, doesn't matter if we think that they're capable, doesn't matter whether their teachers think they're capable. It doesn't even matter if objectively on paper, they should not be stressed at all and that they're perfectly fine. It's how they feel about it. That's a kind of a fact. It's helpful to then work out through conversations, through communication, and a lot of this will depend on the type of relationship you already have with your child, how open and communicative they are. But in essence, through some form of trial and error, through some form of communication, we're trying to identify what this gap or what this mismatch might be. So, it could be that it's a belief gap. So, this is the gap. This is the child that is saying I'm not good at, I'm not capable enough, I can't. So, this is very much, comes from the internal dialogue that they have. What the narration, what they're saying to themselves that they can or they can't do. So, if we've got a belief gap, then we're actually looking at tackling things from a mantras, from the conversations that they're having in their head, from a questioning where the evidence is for this belief system, and then encouraging them to try. Using mantras or trying different statements that then address those specific belief systems. So, if it's a belief gap, it's likely to come out, you're likely to hear and see it from this perspective of I'm just not good enough, I can't. And often, that is, we know that they can, the objective measures demonstrate that they can, but subjectively, it's a belief issue. They just don't believe that they can. Or that they don't believe that they can cope with the scenario that is a test or an exam. So, that can be a belief gap, or it could be a skills gap. And this is much more, I've called it a skills gap, on the basis that this might be a child or a teen that doesn't know how to revise. So, this is not knowledge, that's a separate gap, which we're going to talk about. But it's a skills gap in that they actually, their stress and their anxiety, or even their procrastination. And it's a belief gap, because they don't know how to revise. They've either not been taught, or they haven't yet found their best mechanism for revising for them. So, it could be that there's a skills gap because they don't know how to revise. They don't know how to consolidate their learning. They don't know how to prepare themselves for an exam and the process that that involves. And so, of course, with a belief gap, we're talking to them and we're having conversations around the internal narrative. And changing how they might, the conversations that they're having in their head, challenging that. With a skills gap, we're looking at, as a parent, am I equipped enough to help my child? So, and this is not about the perfect way to revise. It's not about the perfect way to consolidate learning, the perfect way to prepare. But is our child open to, can we have conversations with them about, have you tried X? Have you tried Y? On the basis that actually, your stress levels are really coming from, you haven't yet found a way that feels right for you, for you to be able to work through the work that you've been given and remember it in a way that is helpful for you. So, rather than throwing your toys out of your pram and saying, I can't possibly do any of this, it's having conversations around your children, being prepared to try. And I think with a skills gap that is very much around not quite, not having yet found their best way to revise, this really is them taking on the role of experimenter. I'm going to try X, I'm going to try Y and see how effective it is. The danger is if they are so caught up in finding the perfect way, or as parents, we're caught up in a, this is the way I've always revised, or this is the way that I've read is the perfect way. We tend to get this block and we tend to get this friction, and so we don't actually make progress. What's much more crucial to remember with this is it really is trial and error. It's working out what works for them in particular. And so often mitigating stress and exam stress and test stress really comes when we consider it long before they've even got to that perspective. So, if you're a parent with a luxury of listening to this, because you're a regular listener of the podcast, your children aren't yet at this stage, or they currently aren't going through any of this. Then don't. Don't wait until your child is, has got, you know, is glaring down the barrel of a really stressful exam to then start some of these conversations. It's really, you know, my personal view when we were talking about exams and effective revision from a skills perspective is revision should be revisiting something that you already understand and you have learned as in you've, you've acquired that knowledge, but you are simply revisiting it in a way to be able to recall and apply it in an exam. So, it could be that our children have a belief gap. It could be that our children have a skills gap related to preparation for exams. Or it may be that our children or teens actually have a knowledge gap. They don't understand the topics that they're meant to be revising. They haven't actually understood it from the outset. And so it's been something that's sitting there. And so the idea of revising something that they actually already don't really understand is going to be difficult. And that's where we might be looking at how can we bridge that knowledge gap? Do we as parents understand the content sufficiently and are able to impart that knowledge in a way that our child is able to take that knowledge on? Or even if we are able to impart the knowledge, will our child be open to receive it from us? Or do we need to have conversations with school and be signposted to revision that they may well have at school, drop in situations that they may have at school, or potentially one-to-one time that they may be able to offer before we then start looking down additional support or tutor route. And it may well be that you have to go down that route anyway. But it is, I think it's really helpful quite often when we're looking at our children and our teens getting so overwhelmed in the lead up to an exam or a test in any way, is that we kind of look at the problem, which is their stress, rather than really drilling down and thinking, well, where's the gap? You know, what's the gap that we need to bridge? And then look at equipping them with the skill, which will ultimately fix the problem, but also equip them for other things. And it may be that your child has a bit, they have a belief gap, because actually they've also got a knowledge gap. And maybe they've had a knowledge gap in that particular subject, or generally around exams, or in the past, they've not performed particularly well. And so they've got a knowledge gap, but they also have this inbuilt belief system that they can't. So it's not that they're only going to have one of these gaps. For some, it may well be all three. They've never found a mechanism to revise sufficiently. And so they've got a skills gap in terms of how they prepare. They're not particularly confident in it, in that particular subject. And that has led to a poor belief system. And so you've got this, all three of them. But I think what you do is when you can unpick which they are, how many of those that are there or the one that you've got, what you can then do is you can look at specifically addressing each gap because you know what the challenge is. So belief is about the conversations that they tell themselves, which are often not true, or just require at least moderating. So we don't go into this generalising, I'm always bad, I never. So that's an extreme one or the other. The skills gap is about really experimenting and trial and error and trying. And then the knowledge gap is really looking at ways that we can bridge that, whether that's with us, whether that's in conversation with school, or whether that's bringing in a third party. Okay. So I hope breaking it down into that way has helped you get a bit of clarity around what your child might be dealing with or your teen might be dealing with right now when it comes to managing their stress, and that you feel you've got something tangible that you can go off and now implement. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, if you enjoy the podcast, I would be so grateful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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