Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes, all about tackling topical subjects in bite-sized chunks or sharing top tips to relieve either your overwhelm or your child's, because let's face it, time is super precious. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is tackling a topical subject, which is very time-limited. So, if you are catching this as the episode has gone out, you can act within that topical time. But actually, the subject matter and what I'm going to be talking about can be used at any time. So, today's episode is focused on the opportunity we have as parents to grow. So, let's get started. That's often quite contrived because we're plucking it out of nowhere. And yet, if you are listening to this episode around the time that this comes out, in the UK, you get to use your voice in the government's consultation on whether to ban social media for under 16 year olds. Now, you could view this episode or the fact that there's a consultation as simply something that we as adults need to therefore give some contemplation and some thought to. But if you're listening to this episode around the time that this comes out, and then potentially express our views to our MPs in Parliament, because they will ultimately express our views when they come to vote. And that was originally what I was going to do. This is a very last minute podcast episode that we've done. So, you're going to have to bear with me as I'm sort of thinking, I'm almost thinking out loud as we're progressing this. But it suddenly occurred to me that probably we are never going to have such an opportunity to be able to vote to have conversations with our children about something which really matters to them. It's part of their either their current day to day or potentially their day to day. And I thought rather than us just rather than me doing an episode that's just simply says as parents, never has there been a greater time for us to really become informed and make decisions and use our voice. But actually, why don't we use this as a real opportunity as a family to have deep, meaningful conversations for starters, whilst also understanding that within those deeper meaningful conversations, our children can practice and acquire skills that are actually foundational when it comes to confidence. All right, so let me talk you through, I've got sort of six main sort of points here that I thought I wanted to kind of go through with you about why this is such a great opportunity for us to talk to our children, whilst also using other ways to world events, as great opportunities to talk to our children, if you are listening to this episode, past the UK consultation, and whatever ends up transpiring in terms of whether we ban or we don't ban social media for under 16 year olds. So I think the first thing that I would say is that whenever we are going to potentially have discussions when when life throws us opportunities, then it's about positioning those discussions in our mind as really real opportunities for us to connect with our children and to truly attempt to understand how our child sees things. So if we present this and position this with our children as, you know, this is really, this is something that's going to affect you, as young people, either it may well be that you are, you know, you're not going to be in a position that you have social media, you currently don't have it, because as a family, you don't have it yet. And actually, that what that means is you're never going to, you will not have it until you're 16. Or it's that positioning with a child that already has it and how do you feel? Because this is an opportunity for us not to pass judgment and really say to our children, I want to understand how you feel about it, you must have some opinion. And explain it to me, let me understand what do you think might be the benefits of banning it? How do you think your impact your life might be impacted? And what do you think are the disadvantages of banning? And would you choose to do something about it? Or would you choose to do something about it? And what do you think something else? And then the second part is then really actively listening. So listening to understand, so that we can almost paraphrase back to our child or our teen. So what I think I'm hearing is that you don't think a ban is going to be helpful, because what that will do is that that will X, Y or Z. So that we are really trying to see things through the lens of our children. And that's what I'm hearing. And about how do we feel about this? And then being able to voice that opinion. So it's about positioning it as a chance that we can really connect with our children and positioning it within ourselves. The second one is about really actively listening as and when we then begin to have those discussions with our children. And what we can then do the third part of this, you know, grabbing this opportunity to talk is about actually plugging knowledge gaps, ours and also our children's, but potentially plugging that knowledge gap with our children. And knowledge gap together. So it may well be that you don't have a definitive opinion, or maybe you sort of feel, I think it would be really important if we understood a little bit more about maybe how the impact of the ban has played out in Australia. Maybe this is something that we can do some research, either together or independently, and then come back and then discuss it. And I know that that sort of sounds a little bit like it's a bit of homework that you're sending them off to do and then come back with. But there's a being able to acknowledge to our children that we do have a knowledge gap. We don't have all of the facts. What are the things we might need to know that we don't yet know? Where might those sources of information be? How might we be able to best access that? When we then have that information, we're happy to share it as a family so that we can then each individual person in the family can read and digest. And then that informs their view. I guess what I'm. Why I'm so passionate and why I wanted to do this particular episode is just think about all of the things, all of the skills that our children could be learning in the process of something that they will be incredibly invested in, that they'll have an opinion on it one way or another. And what a great way to develop those skills without having to artificially orchestrate something. So we've got that positioning as a real opportunity for us to connect with our children. And really understand the lens with which they're seeing this particular problem, but it could be any future problem. We actively listen so we can really understand what our child is saying. We can plug knowledge gaps, acknowledge that there are knowledge gaps, go away and then find these and the information and then plug that ours and or our children's. And I think the fourth bit about why I think we've got such a great opportunity here, it allows us to encourage our children to hold a position in any particular debate, whether that is banning social media for under 16 year olds, or whether it's 16 year olds being able to vote or whatever the next opportunity might be. But it encourages us to ask our children to hold a position in a particular debate and to then construct an argument to be able to articulate their view. Now, we're not going to have them on a pole. We're not going to have them on a pole. We're not going to have them with notes then pitching to the family. Although for your family, that might be actually quite fun. Some families would really enjoy that. But it's a real chance of, you know, I think this subject matter is really important for our family to discuss. And I want to make sure that as a parent, that I make some really informed decisions in terms of what I might, the action that I might take with our local MP, so that I can lobby them and put my views forward as part of this consultation process. But before I do that, I think it's really important that I understand your views and that I make sure that I plug my knowledge gaps, because I don't know what it's like to be somebody that's under 16, that is potentially going to lose this access to social media, or someone who's on the cusp of getting social media access, who now needs to wait, needs to wait longer. And I want to be able to understand that. So it's about really, really articulating ourselves, articulating to our children, why we're asking them to then take a position, take a position and talk to me about it, explain it to me, let me understand so that I can then make an informed decision. And of course, by doing that, we are modelling, because remember, children are much more likely to do what they see than what they say. We are modelling to them this notion of, I'm open and respectful of other opinions. And I am going who takes steps to ensure that I have all of the as many of the facts and the knowledge that I can before I make a decision and it's an informed decision because I've made sure that I've collected as much knowledge as I can along that way and that's that's also helpful for our children and what it also does number five is that it encourages our children to use and to practice using their voice to articulate a position to project their views on something to attempt to convince others to be able to articulate to be able to use language which is respectful and language which is persuasive so that using their voice and doing it with with some confidence in an environment that feels really safe which is their home and then knowing that that ability develops that capability and that belief that they're able to then use their voice in other situations and other settings and of course the the final of my six points that I sort of had a bit of a brain dump was is that it actually helps with in terms of our the development of skills in terms of management managing conflict because it's likely that in your household there are going to be differences of opinion and it's how our children use their voice how they then respond to somebody who views the same situation through a different lens that has a different viewpoint a different belief a different um you know they problem solved it in a slightly different way and what that then does as we know you know conflict management is something that our children are able to manage conflict do really well as adults because so much of life is around managing conflict it might not be physical conflict it may not be the kind of conflict that's going to end up in fisticuffs or coming to blows but being able to manage this scenario where there's friction because you believe something that is different to me and rather than bulldozing you or getting frustrated or bursting into tears or getting angry because you can't see things my way our children get to practice how can I actively listen to someone else's viewpoint respect that viewpoint and then be able to manage it and be able to articulate back what my viewpoint is and to come to some form of middle ground is not necessarily about finding something in the middle of the two views but much more about a middle ground in terms of being able to move forward respectfully having different opinions and that's why I wanted to do this episode and quickly in sort of mix up our schedule so that I could get this episode out and I think you know it does present us with so many opportunities and I think the opportunities that I focused on very much which is to grab conversations with our family and use it as an opportunity to develop the core skills that we know underpin resilience and confidence whilst also being a real opportunity for us as adults and as parents to shape the outcome you know I'm passionate we've been given an opportunity this is a consultation and we have an opportunity to reflect to bridge our needs knowledge gaps to listen to multiple sides of the argument that are either looking for a ban or no ban or alternatives the consultation is not just do you want to ban or do you not want to ban they have also proposed some potential alternatives to a ban and it's about I've said it in the blog post that I wrote I've always been long been anti-ban and I have changed my mind so if we will put the link to the blog post in the description below and I'll see you in the next episode to the article in the show notes if you would like to read that this this episode is not about trying to persuade you but I think what's sort of important about this is that I genuinely believe this will define our generation as parents not whether we ban or whether we don't ban but how engaged we are in the process how active we are voicing our opinion and our beliefs and and why we feel that that's because we've never been in a situation where we have got this opportunity so I would really encourage you to use that and so we will share in the show notes my blog post because that's just some more information and of course I would encourage you to actively seek out other views as well and we will also share the link to the UK government consultation process so that you can understand what those options are and therefore you can exercise your right should you choose to to lobby your MP with your views and your opinions and I hope that those of you who are listening to this episode will go beyond just simply using the social media ban but actively looking for opportunities in the news or current affairs where you can engage your family as an opportunity to really discuss things that are happening currently that may directly or may not directly impact them but really help them flood those articulation muscles those you know managing conflict muscles that using their voice pulling together a constructive argument respecting others viewpoints because we have that opportunity at our doorstep as ever if you have enjoyed this episode and if you have found this particularly helpful and wish to share it with others then please do so that they equally can exercise their informed choices in that process and I hope that you have enjoyed this episode and I hope that you also grab those opportunities when they can and if you have not yet done so then why not rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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