Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the Bucket Emptying Episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying Episode is about how to screw up your kids' This is the first of the seven C's that I'm going to cover around how to raise a super confident and resilient adult. So, we're going to cover them in separate episodes and this is the first one. And the first one I want to talk about is the C for competence. And this is quite an important one to think about. So, let's just qualify with a couple of things about confidence, which will be a really helpful thing to remember. We've got to remember as parents that confidence is the key to success. And we've got to remember that confidence is an inside job. It comes from a belief system that our children and our teens have about themselves. So, we can't praise our child to becoming confident themselves. That confidence has to come from within. And we have to move away from the belief that confidence is about being extroverted, about being loud and boisterous and fun and the centre of everything. That isn't confidence. Confidence is about an inner belief, an inner knowing, an inner acceptance of capabilities and abilities within that individual. It's not an inflated belief that they can do everything. It's their understanding that they have strengths and areas that they're working on. So, when we look at these seven C's, they all collect together. They work together in terms of a child or a teen being confident. And in today's episode, I want to talk about the seven C's and I want to talk about this idea of competence. And competence is this belief that within each individual child that they have capabilities, that they're capable of trying something new. Now, it isn't about I can try something new and I will succeed, but simply I have the resources within myself and the bravery, if you want to call that, to be able to try. And a crucial part in terms of building confidence is to be able to try. And the crucial part in terms of building confidence is to be able to try. And the crucial part in terms of building confidence is that it has to be experiential. Children learn, as do adults, by doing, not by thinking. So, thinking may be part of that process of planning and problem solving, but they really only develop competence by doing. So, when we want to focus on our child's confidence and building that confidence and that resilience, we need to be asking ourselves questions as parents, as to in which, you know, what opportunities can I afford my child that they can demonstrate their competence? Now, often we tend to think of these sort of extracurricular things, the things that go beyond the day-to-day. But I would encourage you to start simply with some of the competent things that we could present to our children that are within our own home. So, it's thinking about what are the things that you might be doing as a parent at the moment that you're doing for your children? And what are the things that you might be doing as a parent at the moment that you're doing for your children that actually you could be encouraging them to take responsibility and ownership for? So, that may well be simple things like preparing their breakfast, simple things like making sure that they collect their laundry and take it downstairs and put it in the washing machine. It may well be folding clothes. It may well be making their bed. It may be making their bed. So, it's really thinking about what age and stages your child at at the moment and what are some of the things that you're taking ownership for. And we know that you've got competence, but we want to help our children gain that competence. So, it's really looking, first of all, am I doing anything that I believe that my child is now that I could? Now, they might not be completely capable of doing it yet. It comes with practice. But are there things that I could delegate? That I could hand back to my child or that I'm doing that I really shouldn't be doing at all because I'm actually getting in the way of my child's developing that confidence? Because we all know when we've done something and our children do something, they feel incredible about it. And that's where confidence comes. So, for example, you might be listening to this and you may have a child who is really struggling with their confidence academically at school. So, you may well be thinking, but Mary-Anne, give me something that I can do to build my child's confidence in their maths or their English. Confidence doesn't necessarily build for maths directly only in maths. We have to build their confidence that they're a capable person, that they can try things. And if they don't work, or they don't go to plan, or they, goodness forbid, that they fail, that actually that doesn't reflect on them and their character and who they are. It's just simply a part of that process. So, if we can afford our children as many opportunities to try, to have a go, to see that setbacks happen, to see that failure is normal, that is going to build that real solid foundation of their confidence that they can then transfer to some of their academic skills. So, let's not lose sight of the broader picture. Confidence is a big piece of capability. And so, if we can work on some of that confidence, we can build that confidence. And if we can build that confidence, in areas at home, that that will have a knock-on effect. So, the first thing that I would say is it's about looking at and doing a bit of an audit. What are the things that I might be doing for my child that may well be getting in the way of them building that confidence and that capability from that home environment? And then if we have genuinely reached exhaustion in those opportunities, we can then start looking in those very specific areas that they may not believe that they've got competence in. So, let's take the maths example or the English example. So, you're listening to this and you've got a child who is not feeling very confident in an academic setting. So, how do we build that feeling, that sense of competence in them? Well, competence is about trying. It's about understanding that I have the capability within me and that I process of trial and error. So, we are trying to set our children up to believe that it's this growth mindset. It's this notion of praising process rather than praising outcome. So, again, the first thing we're going to do is we're going to check when my child is in a situation where they don't feel confident in some area academically, what language am I using? Am I focusing in on whether they get that maths problem correct or whether they get that English spelling or the writing, whatever it might be? Am I communicating a slight mismatch and actually focusing much more on the feedback that I'm giving them is about them getting it right? Or am I praising the process? We have to remember that when we're trying to help our children build this notion and this belief that they have competence and capability, that it is important for them to be able to learn. It is about them attempting, trying, learning, feeding back, reviewing, and that all of the language that we're using has to be around process. We have to detach the outcome, remove ourselves from the outcome, make it really clear to our children that we are so impressed with them having a go and what did they learn from that and what would they do next time rather than feeding back to them. Constantly around the outcome, the results that they got. Because if we can just give them that little bit of praise around the fact that they felt really scared about doing something and they were worried that they didn't know how to start or that they would get it wrong, but they still had a go and that's all we feed back on. You had a go and I'm so impressed with it. Yeah, but how did I do? Oh, we're not interested in that. It doesn't matter. We're just so impressed with the results and that you gave it a go. The outcome isn't the relevant piece. It's the fact that you tried. So really making that the center of what we do because that builds a belief that I can get there. I can be competent. I just need to try again and again and always doing that piece about reflecting. That reflecting, what have I learned and what will I do differently as a result? And that's how we build our confidence. So I hope that you'll find that useful. There will be six others so that we'll have them all together. The seven C's to helping build our children's confidence and their resilience. As ever, if you have enjoyed this podcast, I would be so grateful if you could rate, follow and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you. ប្រាប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការប់ការ ស្លារបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់កា� សូរបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស់ការបស
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