Bucket Emptying Episodes; Let's Revisit my child won’t eat

from How Not to Screw Up Your Kids

9m 28s

Bucket Emptying Episodes; Let's Revisit my child won’t eat

In this episode, Dr. Mary Han addresses the common parenting challenge of a child who refuses to eat. She approaches the issue from a psychological and behavioral perspective, first advising parents to trust their instincts and seek medical help if they suspect underlying issues such as food intolerances. Her central principle is that food should never become a battleground or a tool for control. Parents should present balanced meals with variety three times a day, plus snacks for younger children, without forcing children to clean their plates. If refusal is a control tactic, she recommends being firmer, reducing portion sizes, and not offering endless alternatives or defaulting to pudding. She emphasizes that children may need up to seven exposures to a new food before accepting it, and that presenting the same food in different forms and textures can help. Parents should audit which foods are refused to identify patterns, such as texture aversion, beige-food preferences common in neurodiverse children, or anxiety around choking. Involving children in food preparation and letting them plate their own portions, including trying one new food per meal, increases willingness to eat. Ultimately, the goal is a healthy, lifelong relationship with food as fuel, without parental panic or power struggles.

Transcription

1813 Words, 9698 Characters

English

Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids bucket emptying episodes. I'm your host Dr Mary Han, psychologist, parenting expert and author of How Not To Screw Up Your Kids, a real life guide to parenting. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Now we're going to do another question and this time, now this question is quite an interesting one. What should I do if my child won't eat? Now I have made the assumption that this is coming from a parent of a child that's younger but I will also talk about it if we've got it with a slightly older child. Now I guess the first thing I should start with a bit of is with a bit of a disclaimer. Obviously I'm approaching this from a psychological behavioural strategy perspective. I'm not medical on that basis so trust your gut instinct. If you think there is more to this than I'm going to outline then do seek medical help. Go and see a GP, go and see a doctor, go and have a conversation because there may be other aspects to it. For example there may well be some intolerances that your child is experiencing which is causing some of the issues around not eating. I'm going to talk about it very much from that sort of behavioural perspective. So let's just take a broad brush overview in terms of I feel very strongly that we should not be battling with our children over food. Now that doesn't mean that our children can therefore eat whatever they want. Food can sometimes become a bit of a battleground from a perspective of control and I don't think we should sort of blindly walk into that. I have a very clear view that we should be presenting our children with food in reasonable sort of variants of food types and with their input and that we should be doing that three meals a day and potentially obviously when our children are younger they need other snacks and then not getting caught in this battle of you must eat all of these all of this food purely from the perspective of remember we're working with the end in mind we want our children to have a healthy relationship with the fuel that is going to charge and supercharge and energize their body in order for them to be able to perform athletically, physically, mentally, emotionally and that's why I think it's really important that we don't end up making mealtimes around specific things and we create challenges and issues around food so it's at the basic level it's being able to understand that and to be presenting food. If you've got a child that is refusing to eat it may well be it's a control thing and therefore they know that if they then hold their ground and say they're not going to eat something we are then going to offer them a number of alternatives and then they're potentially going to get avoid certain food types that they don't want to eat and then they'll be able to just eat what you know just eat whatever they want or they go into pudding mode which we often kind of find ourselves having a battle with. So I do think if that's if that is the scenario that I think you need to be slightly firmer with this is this is the food that you have got and maybe reduce the portion size but also talk to your child about how you can blend in. So if you've got a child for example who does not like eating vegetables and you have a real battle with the vegetables it's being in a position where you might introduce the same vegetable but in different ways. So carrots cut circular, carrots cut as sticks, carrots that have been boiled, carrots that have been roasted, carrots that are then used for dipping. It's being able to kind of help them sort of introduce them to vegetables if that's the case in different ways but also being able to recognise that it does take seven attempts of trying a food before you are really clear whether they like it or whether they don't like it. So it's it's being it's persevering around those foods and sometimes the reason why our children won't eat may well be actually related to the texture of the food. Now some children can articulate that it just feels funny in their mouth or that they just don't like it. Others find it really really difficult so it's really noticing what are the foods that my child is refusing to eat. Is it just simply that all they want to eat is high sugar and processed food or is it that there are some very specific foods that have very particular themes and that's why they don't like them. So for example it can be quite typical for a child not to be a massive fan of tomatoes, avocados, salad but then equally you can have a child who loves all of those and then maybe doesn't like some of the more typical things that you'd expect a child to like like potatoes or rice or pasta. So it's really looking are there some specific trends. We know that children who are neurodiverse typically, Lucinda Miller often talks about this idea that they typically like beige food so there will be very past pasta, rice, pizza, bread. Those will be the certain foods that they like and they tend to not like other foods. You may know that you have a neurodiverse child or you may not but that might be something to consider so there'll be an element of that. It could be that it's specifically related to the texture of the foods and that's why your child doesn't like it. So it's about okay how can we maybe change the texture maybe if it's soft and squishy as in with a boiled carrot for example it might be that it's not going to taste as good. So it's really looking are there some specific trends that children are going to like. So it's really looking are there some specific trends we're boiling it too much and they don't like that texture or it might be that they would prefer it when it's raw or it might be as was the case with my daughter very happy with potatoes in every form other than mash. So again is it are there certain textures that they just seem to avoid. The other thing to think about is that sometimes we have children that are not refusing to eat things because there is a specific food phobia or an anxiety attached to a particular food and that could have come about from them eating a lot of food and they're not eating a lot of food. So it's either they're eating something and then sort of choking on it. And so that's then created an anxiety or they've noticed somebody else choking on it or they are worried that there may well be a choking hazard with that particular food. So it's really trying to do a bit of what I call do a bit of an audit observe notice make some notes. What are the foods that they are refusing to eat. So a if they're refusing to eat typical ordinary healthy foods that you would expect them to eat which are balanced and they're going specifically for more of the sugary processed then that's a conversation around boundaries. That's you being more resilient around presenting meals in smaller portion sizes. And then if they don't eat it then they don't get anything else. Let's try and avoid this feeling. Oh my goodness me my child is going to starve. Even if your child is super super waifu that you feel like there's nothing to them already. Don't get caught in this. I'm just going to keep presenting you with other things because you're refusing food. And so I'm just going to offer you anything to get you to eat. It's not a great way to get them to have this relationship with food as fuel. If of course they're refusing to eat because they're looking for the sugary processed treat which comes afterwards. So if that's the case then I think we have to stand a little bit clearer with that. If it's that actually they're not particularly adventurous they're pretty staid and staple in that they would just want certain foods which they're very familiar with and they don't want to try anything else. Either because of the texture or because they've got an anxiety. Then I think play around. Children are much more likely to eat food which they've prepared. They're much more likely to eat foods which are presented in small portions. So you can sort of adopt an almost like little tapas sort of basis of this is the meal and maybe we've got a selection of two or three things that they can try. You know try and give them some aspects of the meal which you plate up. But then encourage them to then plate up the additional bits. Yes okay it's going to mean we're going to have more plates. Yes it's going to mean it's probably going to require a little bit of extra work in terms of preparation and tidying up afterwards. But the more we encourage our children to take an element of control around what they place on their plate and how large the portion is and an agreement to try at least some of the new one new thing that you might introduce in each meal. You're much more likely to be able to get them on board and over time you'll find that the repertoire of foods that they'll eat will increase. We just have to not be too worried about it in the immediate. They will eat more food. They won't waste away. But it's trying to make sure that we maintain a healthy relationship with the notion that food is our fuel. It energizes us and we need to make sure that we take on a good blend of fruits and vegetables and proteins and carbohydrates and fiber. I hope that that's relieved that particular question and that particular challenge. So I hope you found that useful. As ever if you have loved this podcast episode I would be eternally grateful if you could rate review and follow the podcast so that we can grow the audience and people who don't know about us can find out and we can spread this knowledge and and hopefully relieve a few more parents buckets along the way. So until next time. Take care and have a great day.

Podcast Summary

Key Points:

Parents should avoid turning food into a battleground or power struggle with their children.
Present balanced meals with child input three times a day, plus snacks for younger children, without forcing them to finish everything.
If a child refuses food as a control tactic, be firmer by offering only the meal provided, possibly in smaller portions.
Introduce rejected foods in different forms and textures, and recognize that it can take up to seven attempts before a child accepts a new food.
Conduct an audit of refused foods to identify patterns such as texture aversion, beige-food preferences common in neurodiverse children, or food-related anxiety.
Seek medical advice if there may be underlying issues such as intolerances or other health concerns beyond behavioral strategies.
Involve children in food preparation and allow them to plate their own portions, including trying at least one new food per meal.
Trust that children will eat enough and avoid panicking or offering endless alternatives, which harms their long-term relationship with food.

Summary:

Her central principle is that food should never become a battleground or a tool for control. Parents should present balanced meals with variety three times a day, plus snacks for younger children, without forcing children to clean their plates. If refusal is a control tactic, she recommends being firmer, reducing portion sizes, and not offering endless alternatives or defaulting to pudding.

She emphasizes that children may need up to seven exposures to a new food before accepting it, and that presenting the same food in different forms and textures can help. Parents should audit which foods are refused to identify patterns, such as texture aversion, beige-food preferences common in neurodiverse children, or anxiety around choking. Involving children in food preparation and letting them plate their own portions, including trying one new food per meal, increases willingness to eat.

Ultimately, the goal is a healthy, lifelong relationship with food as fuel, without parental panic or power struggles.

FAQs

What should I do if my child refuses to eat?›

Avoid battling over food and present balanced meals in reasonable portions. Stay firm with boundaries, offer smaller portions, and if they don't eat, don't offer alternatives.

Should I worry that my child will starve if they refuse food?›

Don't panic or offer anything just to get them to eat. Children will eat when hungry; focus on building a healthy relationship with food as fuel.

How can I help my child try vegetables they dislike?›

Introduce the same vegetable in different ways—raw, roasted, boiled, cut into sticks, or used for dipping. It can take up to seven attempts before a child knows if they like a food.

What if my child only wants sugary or processed foods?›

Set clear boundaries: present healthy meals in smaller portions, and if they refuse, don't offer other food. Avoid using pudding or treats as a reward.

Could texture be why my child won't eat certain foods?›

Yes, texture is a common reason. Notice if they avoid soft, squishy, or specific textures, and try changing how the food is cooked or prepared.

What if my child has anxiety or a phobia about certain foods?›

Do an audit of refused foods and watch for signs like fear of choking. If anxiety is present, be patient and consider seeking professional support.

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