Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket emptying episodes. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. I'm guessing you might need that cup of tea and the conversation today more so than others. I'm Dr. Mary Han, your host, psychologist and parenting expert, and today's episode we're talking about how to stay calm and stress-free during the festive period, followed by a thank you message from me. So, however you and your family are choosing to spend the festive period, you're going to share some very common themes. And the common theme is that the usual routine goes out the window. Because we've suddenly got everybody home and expectations go through the roof. Whatever those expectations are about whatever way that you spend those festive periods. So, the usual sort of expectations are usually around it being a really super incredibly happy and wonderful time. Nobody's arguing. The food is incredible and perfectly timed when it's presented. There's no sibling arguments and our homes look like show homes. And the list of expectations go on. A lot of it obviously depends on how you're spending the festive period. So, I just wanted to share with you three tips that I have to try and navigate that period of time in this sort of the best way possible. The first one I would have is all about managing expectations. Managing your expectations, managing the expectations of your immediate family, so your children and your partner, and managing the expectations of those that are wider. The wider sort of family and beyond that. And I think it's really crucial because we are bombarded with expectations, bombarded in so many ways, from so many directions about what this festive period should look like and all of these sort of heightened expectations. So, it's really important that we take a bit of a step back and have a bit of a conversation with ourselves and check out in on ourselves to make sure that we're not setting ourselves up to fail by having these expectations that things are going to be here that are just simply unrealistic or just not even appropriate for the way that you're going to spend and celebrate the festive period. So, I want to say that we have to have a conversation with ourselves and check out in on ourselves to make sure that we're not setting ourselves up to fail by having these expectations that things are going to be here that are just simply unrealistic or just not even appropriate for the way that you're going to spend and celebrate the festive period. So, it is so crucial that we do that. And one of the ways that we can do that is by having conversations. We communicate, communicate with our immediate family about what the expectations of the festive period, what that's going to look like, what it's going to entail, and then have that ripple out. If you're spending periods of time, periods of the festive period with family beyond yours, it's having those conversations and don't be put off or don't feel scared to not have those conversations. Because if you don't have those conversations, it builds friction, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, when so much of it could be sort of just disappear if we have those conversations. So, it's really important that we have those with our family and then ripple that out. But always start with you. What are my expectations? What am I expecting the festive period to look like? Is that realistic? Where does that expectation come from? Is it something that I really value or is it something that I think other people value? Am I trying to please other people and in the process becoming overwhelmed myself? And then communicate where you see that there's a jarring and that things are not coming from the space of what you want, then have that conversation. It's difficult, I know, but trust me, it would be more difficult if you put it off. So, that's the first one is about managing expectations. The second one, number two, is all about enlisting help. So, it starts again, you start off in an immediate family. The festive period is a prolonged period of time where normal typical day-to-day things are placed on pause. You're not necessarily going into work. You may well be and you may well have a job that means over the festive period you're still working. But generally, there's a real change from the normal routine. And so, it's really important that you enlist your immediate family in terms of what that might look like. And it'll be different for different families because for some of you, you'll be working. Some of you, you won't be working. And the number of children you have and all the various different dynamics. It starts at home on the basis that you have a shared home and you have a shared responsibility in order to upkeep that home. So, it's having those conversations about what that might look like because obviously it depends how you celebrate those festive period. But it is enlisting all of that help and support, just even if nothing else around the basic contribution of making good any space that you're choosing. What children and your partner uses, it's about making it good. Returning it back to what it looked like when they entered that space before they began using it. A slight caveat on that is, please don't expect your children or even your partner to bring a room back exactly the way that you would do it because obviously their values are going to necessarily be different. So, let me give you a classic example. I love the cushions on the sofas to be plumped and placed on the floor. I love the cushions on the sofas to be plumped and placed in a particular way. Now, I'm setting myself up to fail if my definition of making good is trying to ensure that my husband and my children, whenever they leave that room, plump up the cushions the same way that I do. Because the reality is they're not going to. It's never going to be the way that I want it. So, that's setting myself up for failure. What's more important is that they simply make good in that if the cushions are on the floor or they fall flat onto the sofa, that they're just at least placed back in the space that they should do. That throws are at least folded back and not just strewn over sofas. Whatever it is that we're talking about in terms of making a room, making it good again, it's about managing our expectations, goes back to our first point. But it's this idea that we want them to make good, but we have to manage the expectation that making good is going to look different for them than it does us. If we don't manage that and we continually get back into this ping pong of, no, that's not quite right. No, you need to do this. Then what happens is we lose that battle around their contribution. We simply want them to make good. And then we need to be able to manage our expectations to accept that. So, you start in terms of enlisting self and support at home. And then depending on what your festive period looks like, you then might reach further and further out. If you're hosting, enlist support. You don't need to do everything. You can ask people to do things. Or if they're not bringing things specifically, you can ask for their help and enlist their support when they arrive at your home. So, manage expectations, enlist help where you can. And the third one is a really crucial one. It's making sure that you create time and space for you over the festive period, however that might look like. Now, you might be like me and actually waking up early gives you that precious golden time where no one else is in the house, but they're not around. They're asleep and you've just got that space to have fun. Have a cup of tea and do whatever it is that helps you unwind. It may be that you're not a morning person. Maybe you're an evening person and you stay up that little bit later after people have gone to sleep. Or it may well be that just getting out for a walk or maybe even running some errands allows you to kind of change your scenery a little bit and that that gives you peace. But it's making sure that you carve out some of that time. It's not self-indulgent. It's not being spoiled. You know, it's not, it doesn't mean that you're a bad parent because you're not spending time with every minute with your children or with those that are celebrating the festive period with you. It's just a really crucial time for you to reset yourself so you can show up in a more present way for whoever may be celebrating that festive period with you. So remember, manage expectations, enlist the help of others, carve out time for yourself and hopefully those three will help you find calm and peace during this festive period. I just want to finish off by saying, a huge, huge thank you to all of you who watch the podcast, who subscribe to the YouTube channel, who listen on audio, who rate, review, comment, share, whatever it is that you do. I am so appreciative that two and a half years down the road with the podcast that you tune in and that you subscribe and that you comment and that you share and that you love what I do. And that's a big part of my heart. I hope however you choose to spend the festive period, that there's some joy and happiness and some laughter. And if I don't speak to you directly before the next year, before 2024, I want to wish you all the very best as you welcome in that new year. It is my most happy time. So I'm super excited about welcoming that in and also the 24 for 2024 episode, which is coming up. So do tune into that and I'll share with you how I go about, sort of envisaging and looking at the year ahead for me as a parent and how you might be able to use the 24 for 2024 for your children and your teens in terms of them looking forward and enlisting it. So hope you've enjoyed the podcast. I hope it's been helpful for you. If you have, then I would be as always eternally grateful if you could follow, rate and also review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you.
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