Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-empty episode. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, I think, is a challenge that all parents face. We've had it in as a question, and I think it couldn't be more aptly timed in terms of answering this particular one. And it's this, basically, how do we get our children out of the house in a way that doesn't stress us all out? Now, we've all been there. We're juggling bags, maybe. We're juggling multiple things. We're juggling multiple children. We may well have asked them repeatedly to put their shoes on, to grab their stuff. It may well be we're going out for the day. It may well be that we're just trying to get them out to go to nursery in the morning, or we're just trying to get them out to go to school. Whatever it is, this episode is going to cover that, because I think we're going to speak for most parents when I say that, actually, if we could not, if that wasn't quite as stressful when we're trying to leave, wherever it is that we're trying to leave, it would have a massive impact on emptying our bucket. So let's have a look at it. Now, I want to start off with, in an ideal situation, this is what you would go about doing. Now, I understand it isn't always possible to do it the way that I'm going to explain it. So we'll look at what happens with some of those additional things. But in an ideal situation, we kind of follow these three things. The first thing is we would communicate with our child or children what we're basically doing, whether that's the next day. That would be the most ideal, is that you're communicating the day before. Now, if this is something that is routine, so maybe it's just the battle and the struggle and the frustration and the just general stress levels are about something that is a repeated pattern, going to nursery, getting out the door to go anywhere, or school or whatever that might be, then it's almost take the chance, sort of think about, I'm doing a reset. So you're now communicating, the way that I typically recommend when there is a challenge. So you would start with a, I've noticed that it's so stressful trying to get out of the house every single morning. I'm asking you to put your shoes on multiple times. You're fiddling around. You know, emotions get heated. I get cross. I shout. You get upset. Whatever it might be, that's one way to approach it. If we're talking about leaving the house and leaving is particularly stressful around the same thing. But you're just trying to reset. If it isn't, and maybe you're going on holiday, something that's different, then you would have, you'd obviously frame it in a different way. You'd be having the conversation the day before, and you'd be saying, well, tomorrow, guys, we're going off to see Great Granny. Tomorrow, guys, we're off to, we're going on holiday. Whatever it might be, you would be communicating what you are going to do. So you either do notice that, and then we're having a conversation around the things that keep going, keep making leaving stressful, or you have that conversation around, right, we've got, this is what's happening tomorrow. So you start with that notion of the event. And then it is about really communicating what that means. So let's just work through a particular example, because it just makes, it makes it so much easier to understand. So let's say that we are going to go and visit Great Granny Daisy. Okay, we're off to Great Granny Daisy, it's going to be a three hour journey. So we're communicating to our child or our children, we're going to Great Granny Daisy tomorrow, it's going to be, we're going to be in the car. Now, depending on your child, and age and stage, it depends how much they can genuinely understand and conceptualize the idea of three hours. So older children, you can explain it's three hours, younger children, it's just about timeframe. It's a short trip, almost like, when we go to the park, or it's a long trip, like when we go x. So you're just giving them, you're managing that expectation. So, and that is going to mean that we are going to leave early in the morning, in the afternoon, after lunch. So we're trying to help manage their expectations on that basis of being able to give them something that is appropriate for their age and stage to contextualize what it is that we're going to be asking them to do. So that's the first bit is you were simply stating what is going to happen the next day. The next part is then within that is problem solving the challenges that that particular trip is going to create. So it may well be what the hell are we going to do for three hours in the car, because that's part of that whole journey is actually how are they going to occupy themselves. But also, there's going to be inevitable in order to leave on time, or when you're hoping to leave, what are the things that we might need to get ready? What are the things we might need to do? So you explain to them what you're going to do, you've then having conversations around helping them problem solve what that particular getting out of the door is going to look like, what are the challenges that that might present. And so that that's kind of a conversation that you're having together. And then once you've done that, now, some children will find the whole problem solving thing. Just like, they can't do it. And I'm going to say this with love. If you are a control enthusiast, like me, you have probably done all of the problem solving previously. And the challenge is simply just being getting the children to physically get out of the door. I would encourage you to start making efforts to move the problem solving away from being solely your responsibility to include your children, given the right age and stage in terms of what they can actually, genuinely manage. And the reason why I say that is if your child understands the problem, and is involved in the problem solving process, getting out of the door is so much easier, because they understand all of the tangible bits that are happening, and why we're asking them to do certain things. So that's why, just from a practical perspective, but also from a longevity perspective, we fundamentally want to raise resilient, confident, capable adults. And part of that is being able to kind of talk to them about what they're doing, what they're doing, what they're management prepare themselves get themselves ready and build that confidence that they themselves are a capable individual that is you know that can do do all sorts of things so it's it's it goes beyond making that bucket emptying thing for us on that particular day but actually becomes a wider we're helping them become the best version of themselves so we've explained what we're doing if it's a repeated pattern we've explained that there's been a repeated pattern that we're looking at resolving we have then started the problem solving process because we've communicated what does that physically getting out the door look like as well as where are we going and what are the things that they might need to do to prep now if your children are not used to doing the problem solving then what you're probably going to have to do is begin to give them options so what we could do is x or we could do y which one do you think you're going to do x or you could do y which one do you think you're going to do x or you could so we're trying to help them begin to take ownership of what it might look like to leave at 10 what it might look like to leave at three what are the things that they may need to get ready for what you're about to do and and if it's a if it's something that is a routine if it's a you know just getting shoes on to physically leave the house maybe it's just like do you know what mary hann if they could just get their shoes on you know my challenge is just fundamentally it's so stressful and my bucket feels so massively because actually it's just about getting down the stairs and putting shoes on then it's about communicating the consequences of what happens as a result of them not being ready on time so we're explaining the event and what's going to happen we've then gone through the problem solving process and about that and part of that problem solving process which i've just just briefly touched on is this idea of consequence now how you can certainly have a look at previous podcast episodes where i've talked about this idea about why punishments don't work i'm a big fan in children learning through you know children basically are experiential in their learning they learn by doing and part of doing and the choices that they make is that the choices that they make have a consequence both good and not so good so if they i don't know if they're downstairs and they're ready they're putting the shoes on a good consequence is you feel great you get out on time and maybe just maybe they may end up being something special that they do as a result of that or it just makes sure that the whole event the mood is much better because everyone's ready on time and it doesn't create stress you'll tap the kind of the flip side to that is the natural negative consequences everyone's stressed everyone's anxious there's lots of nitpicking and niggling and so the mood isn't great and also you end up leaving later and so a consequence is that you may not get the full enjoyment you might arrive where you're meant to be later and there's a consequence of explaining that or you just they don't get to do as much from what they were planning where you were planning to go So when you talk about the problem solving, what needs to happen, it is really crucial to then explain what might be the consequences of them not being ready on time, of you having to remind them to do certain things. And I would really focus on natural consequences here, but really try a bit of silence. So ask them, so this is what we're going to do. This is where we're going to great auntie daisies, grandma daisies, and we're going to be three hours. We need to be ready by this particular time. And what might be a natural consequence if we're not ready? And then just leave it there for a minute. Let them come up with some possible natural consequences. For that, I mean, the obvious natural consequences are if you leave later, you'll arrive later. Potentially that will mean if it's something fun that they won't be able to spend as much time there. But another natural consequence may well be if you don't leave at the time that you're suggesting, you might end up being in more traffic. And therefore the journey takes longer. And the natural consequence is that they're going to be in the car for longer and potentially having to occupy themselves for longer. And what that means in terms of getting back, a natural consequence might be. That they won't get to do things that they were hoping to do because you're stuck in traffic and other things. So it's really kind of problem solving through that. And then the third thing that's really crucial to do that I think we forget is this idea of a talk through. So we've told them what we're doing. We've problem solved how to kind of get ready and get prepped to get out. The talk through is actually around us doing no talking, but just going back to our children and asking them to restate what we've done. We've agreed children are much more likely to do what they say than what we say. So if we do the which we often do, I'm pretty guilty of it. So remember, we're leaving tomorrow at 11:00 and we need to do this and this before. So we're the ones that are set doing all of the same, whereas the talk through is much more, Jack, you know, we talked about the fact that we're going to go to Granny Daisy's tomorrow. Can you remember what we agreed needed to be done tonight before we get ready to go? Do you know? Remind me, what are the things that we said that we were going to do to make sure we leave on time tomorrow? And then we're silent because what they're then having to do is dig through that memory, recall it, bring it out, regurgitate it in essence, rephrase it to you. And that process of rephrasing really helps cement it with them. And I would encourage you to do that probably 10 times might seem excessive. But the more we ask them and just to say it, just a really kind of not flippant, but in a just a checking in, Jack, sorry, remind me again, what are the things we've got to do? Excellent, brilliant, fabulous. I just wanted to check that I hadn't got it wrong. So we're not asking them to rephrase it and then communicating it from that perspective of you're so rubbish at remembering. So that's why I have to ask you 10 times. It's much more just remind me so I can just check what we've agreed. So it's about you. You needing that confirmation, rather than Jack being unreliable, and therefore we've got to ask them 10 times. And then the last thing that I would say is about praise every small step towards getting that process and making that that whole leaving that bit easier. Praise it descriptive praise. I'm so impressed, Jack, that you know, we talked yesterday about making sure that we did X, Y and Z the night before. And you've got all of it done. So you've remembered everything, you've made it so much easier, just super impressed with your kind of, you know, getting on with things. So really praise what we see, rather than just the general, oh, you're such an amazing person. And because what that does is that then breeds and creates more of this, wanting to do the right thing. And, and, and it's just a wonderful feeling for them, rather than ask that perpetual, you need to do this, you need to do that. So I'm hoping that that is going to be a helpful thing for this time of year, but for any time of year that you are catching this particular episode. Now, I will dive deeper in another bucket emptying episode about what some of the other, the very specific things that can go wrong in those getting ready to, getting ready to leave, because I know that that's going to be super helpful. And so I hope that you find the strategies in today's podcast helpful. And I hope that you find the strategies in today's podcast helpful. So that others can find us and we can spread the love and share the love. So until next time. Bye.
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