Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. The Bucket Emptying Episodes. I'm your host Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying Episode I think is probably going to be helpful for a whole host of you because I'm going to cover the whole spectrum of it. I'm just calling it activities and I thought this would be really helpful. I'm often asked about extracurricular activities or young children. Going to do activities and battles that parents often have. So, let's kind of cover the whole thing within this Bucket Emptying Episode. So, let's just talk first of all about choosing activities for your children. So, whether that is really young toddlers and you're going with them for activities or whether this is older children. The first thing I would say is that activities are a great way of expanding our children's minds, affording them new opportunities social interactions and new skills as well as creativity. So, they are great yet there is a however here. It's making sure that when we're choosing activities for our children whether that's young toddlers or whether that's all the way up to our teens is that we're choosing the activities for the right reasons. So, let's just talk about what that might be. As parents we often fall into a bit of a trap. We often fall into a bit of a trap and we often fall into a bit of a I say this with love that we are trying to make sure that our children have a you know that we're curating this incredible curriculum vitae for them for when they finally want to go off to university or maybe even get jobs. So, we feel sometimes caught up in this well they need to be doing gymnastics or they need to be doing a music lesson or they need to be doing scouts or they need to be doing Duke of Edinburgh. Whatever it might be is that sometimes it is driven by our misguided sometimes genuine belief that this is going to help our children and of course these activities are helpful because they expose our children to new skills and new people. It's just making sure that it is right for our child. Children are different. We can't cookie cutter resilience and confidence in the long term by following the same type of activities and the same types of experiences for all children. So, we need to make sure that we're making sure that we're doing the right thing for our children. You could have two or three children that actually when we look at curating activities for them require different things. So, the first thing I would say is make sure that when you're looking at activities for your child that it really comes from that what's this how is this activity really helpful for this child? How is it going to develop their social skills, their curiosity, their independence, their problem solving, their creativity? Because those are the skills that we really want them to have from these activities. So, that's the first thing because if we know that we have chosen that activity based on what's right for that child, when we then have the next step, which is often what parents will ask me about, where that child going to that activity begins to create a bit of a friction, a bit of a battleground, we're able to approach it from the perspective of we've chosen that, or we're encouraging our child to do that particular activity because we know it will benefit them very specifically, we can then help and support them. So, let's say we've done, we've taken a great deal of care to ensure that the activity that we want to take our three-year-old to or our two-year-old to is really helpful for them or we're encouraging our seven-year-old, an eight-year-old or our 13 or 14-year-old, we've really chosen that. So, we then, when we get resistance around it, we can then support them in the best way. And what I would say is the resistance that you may find around it is actually comes from because from a space of we're pushing our child out of their comfort zone. So, maybe we've chosen an activity to help our child's social skills. Maybe they actually find social situations really difficult. Maybe they struggle with friendships, meeting new people, asking questions, being part of a group. And that's the reason why we've chosen that activity. So, when we're getting that resistance, it's understanding why our child might be resistant. And it's usually around the fact that we're pushing them out of their comfort zone. And then, so we know that, then it becomes around our ability to communicate. So, if we've chosen the right activity, we know that our child is resistant because it's being pushing them out of their comfort zone. The conversations that we have with our child then need to be, you know, we need to be able to communicate with them. And so, we've chosen that activity. At the absolute sort of centre of it all is an acknowledgement. You know, I get that this feels really scary. You're doing something new. You don't know anyone. People haven't come from your school or people that you already know. And it's really difficult. You find it, you know, it feels scary. You're worried about making friends. No one's talking to you. You don't know how to start a conversation. Whatever it might be, it's really crucial that we really acknowledge how difficult it is for our child or our teen in that particular situation. I can't ever understate that. It's such a crucial piece of, I hear you. I see you. I'm trying to understand from your perspective how difficult this feels. I'm acknowledging that. And then, I'm affirming that this particular activity has been chosen. We've decided together maybe, or we've offered you, we've afforded you this opportunity because we believe it's really going to help you in the area that we know that you're currently struggling with at the moment. So, you're acknowledging the fact that it feels fearful. We're reminding them why that was particularly chosen. And I would say when you've got, as your children, as our children get older, it is really important that when we're having discussions around activities, that they get to choose their part of that process. And so, because it's so much more helpful when they are part of that. And it may well be that they haven't chosen, that you've chosen it because you believe very strongly that that will help them. But the more that we communicate as to why we've done it and how we can help them overcome that fear and that overwhelm, the more they're on board. And so, we're acknowledging how it feels for them. We're acknowledging the fact that it feels really scary. And then, we're breaking down into small steps. It felt really difficult this week because you didn't know anyone or you felt like you couldn't really join in or you felt that you were standing on the edge of things and that you weren't being included. Then, problem solved. So, next week, how might we, what things might we be able to do? How might I help support you? How might you then be able to enact some of these things in that particular situation? So, it's really breaking it down. And remembering that if it is overwhelming, and particularly if it's around something very social, that our children may not know what to do. They may feel overwhelmed. They may not have a clue. And they may just throw it back at us. Well, I don't know. It's just too scary. I just don't want to do it. Don't make me. Again, we've returned to the, I can see how this feels really scary to you. And of course, you know, in an ideal world, you would want me just to say, look, we're not going to do it. But it's all about we grow when we do difficult things. So, let's take it back a step or two. And let's look at how could we make that just arriving feel less stressful? Or whatever part of the activity that your child is struggling with, take it back to that, and then try and problem solve. What could we do to ease that initial piece? Whether that's around the way that you arrive together, whether that requires you to be there a little while to gain their confidence, whether it's about having conversations with the person who arranges the activity or runs the activity. It's really sort of trying to think creatively. What are the things that we can do to make it that little bit easier? And it's that using that ladder that I talk about so often. You know, the top of the ladder is where we want our child to get to, to feel confident and capable in that particular activity. And they're currently at the bottom. So, what are the things that we can do to help transition up a step? Each time it's going to feel that little bit easier, we're going to reflect on what we've done. We're going to try next time and make it that little bit easier. And it's acknowledging and restating, you know, all the time that difficult things, things always feel difficult at the beginning. But with practice, with time, with flexibility and problem solving, we can make each time feel that little bit easier by trying the new things. And really acknowledging that it isn't meant to be easy. You know, it is going to be but over time, with practice, we will eventually get there and that helps them make that lifetime that make that commitment to that particular activity see it through because we know that that grit comes from that perseverance despite things feeling difficult and challenging over a period of time and the final thing that I would say is remember to praise and it's not praising outcome we're praising process but we are praising every small step that they make in that journey however fearful it feels whether they arrive at that particular activity really trying to have that big smile on their face and take that big step forward even if they have a wobble and they burst into tears or they cling on to us because they don't want to let go it's praising every small step that they make in that process to being able to then feel more confident and capable within the activity. So I hope that that helps you at any point whether you're choosing activities for young children or whether you're caught in a bit of a battle with your teen over a particular activity that they want to give up but you want them to continue with because it's part of that kind of development and helpful for building that confidence. As ever if you have enjoyed this episode I would be eternally grateful if you could rate follow and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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