Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's bucket emptying episode is about how we can, as parents, find contentment. Now, you'll notice a bit of a hesitation in my voice as I was sort of coming up with the title with this one. I attended a networking event and the subject, the keynote speaker was talking about how we can cultivate happiness and for those of you who've been listening to the podcast for some time now, you will know that I've talked about this happiness myth. Now, it's not that I don't believe that we can be happy. I guess I question that being a pursuit. It's a pursuit that we then sort of go about trying to kind of do for our children and also for ourselves. So, it's not that I don't believe we can be happy, but I actually think what can be more powerful and more easily accessible to our brains to accept and to take and for us to genuinely begin to take action around is much more around cultivating this notion of contentment. Now, what does that mean? I guess for me and particularly with reference to this particular topic, I think it's more about cultivating this notion of contentment. episode, it's around this idea. So, there is a saying, isn't there? You're only as happy as your unhappiest child. I think when it comes to parenting and the minute that we become a parent, the way that we frame our contentment, our joy and our happiness in lots of ways tends to be around the ages and stages that our children go through. So, it's almost like I will be happy. I'll be able to do this when my children are more independent or when they're sleeping through the night, I'll be able to do. When they're more independent with their homework, I'll be able to do Y. Whatever that is, it's always contingent on a particular age and stage that our children navigate rather than it being within ourselves, which is why this episode is bucket emptying for us because I believe if we can reframe and reposition through some simple questions at the end of the day, we can in fact begin to pursue contentment. For ourselves, that isn't contingent on anyone else. And obviously, the examples I've given you are about contingent to our children, but actually, it can be contingent on anything and any other aspect, whether that's our partner or whether that's to do with our lives personally and professionally. I just think that once we become parents, a lot of that pretty much hinges on our children. So, what I really want to try and do is give you a couple of things that you can do. I'm going to give you a couple of things that you can be doing that will help you really prioritise what you need to do for yourself. So, let me paint for you a typical scenario that I think that we go through as parents. And it is generally at the end of an exhausting day, whatever that day may well have looked like, whether that's being at home 100% with our children, whether that's been a combination of children being in some form of either education or some care system, whether that's child support and or juggled with a little bit of extra work, is what usually what happens is there's a bit of a slump at the end of the day. We're exhausted and we are just grateful to have got through that particular day. And in lots of ways, we just survive in terms of what we need to do in order to prepare ourselves for the next day and generally do very little for ourselves other than berate ourselves around all of the things that we have not been able to accomplish. Or not yet done or create that internal dialogue of the huge list coming up about what we then need to do for the next day. So, what I'm looking at sort of encouraging you to do around this cultivating contentment is actually at that end of the day, what are some of the things that we could do that really genuinely won't take up a huge amount of time but can begin to create and cultivate this contentment with who we are. So, what I would really encourage you to do is get a, it's all, you've got, this needs to be written down. I would really strongly encourage you to do this because whilst thinking it can be helpful, the magic really happens when we put pen to paper and it really doesn't have to take that much time. Five minutes is all that it takes. So, first of all, I want you to just do a quick scan of the day. Yeah, super, super quick. Don't get caught in narrative. Don't get caught in a, oh my God, I'd forgotten that I'd had that particular jack in the morning and that went really badly and none of that, but just a very quick scan of the day because you're looking out for two things. And as you're scanning that day, first of all, I want you is to acknowledge one thing that you are supremely proud of yourself for having done. Now, that could be something that you've actually tangibly achieved, like tick, this is something that I've been meaning to get done for a really, such after bits that I got it done. Or it may well be, and this is, I think, where it's more, not necessarily more meaningful, but I think it's an important thing to be looking out for, are moments in the day where maybe previously you've reflected on the way that you've responded in a particular situation and you're really proud of the way that you responded in that situation. You're really proud that maybe you said no to somebody, that you created that boundary and you said, actually, thank you so much for, you know, asking me, but I've got too many other things to do and I can't help. And it may well be that you're really proud that actually you said to the children, do you know what? I can't help right now because I'm enjoying my cup of tea or I'm in the middle of something else. So it's that very quick scanning of the day and picking up one thing, one thing that you are really proud of. That's the first thing that I would like you to jot down. And then it's about identifying. Now, if this is all new to you, we're going to keep it super, super simple. So one thing that you're proud of, and then one thing that you are grateful for now, gratitude and the documentation, it's got to be written. Gratitude expressed verbally is wonderful, but gratitude that is actually written has a profound and statistically, if we're going to do the maths, significant impact on our wellbeing and also our contentment and therefore our happiness. And the idea behind gratitude, it isn't anything huge. It isn't meant to be necessarily anything big, but just something that when we scan that day, we're really grateful for. Maybe someone bought us a cup of tea in bed. Maybe we managed to get out of the house with no crying and screaming, or maybe there was a bit of crying and screaming, but we managed to turn it around. Maybe we're grateful that we've managed to get the children in bed by 7am, at 7pm. God, 7am would be very early. Whatever that might be, it is one, just simply one thing that we're really grateful. Maybe it's a particular friendship. Maybe it's the children to school in the sunshine. Maybe it's that dart that you had to do from the car to the supermarket and it wasn't raining. Whatever that is, it's that simple, simple thing that you are grateful for. So you're scanning the day. You're saying one thing that you're proud of, one thing that you are grateful for. And then as you've reflected through the day, it's then identifying one thing that you are looking forward to, for the next day. It's all about ones here. So one thing that you're proud of, one thing that you're grateful for, one thing that you are looking forward to for the next day. And again, that doesn't have to be anything massive. It could be, maybe you're getting a bit of extra help. Maybe you're getting a bit of time to do something that you're really enjoying, whatever that might be. So one thing you're proud of, one thing you're grateful for, one thing that you're looking forward to the next day. And then the fourth and the final bit is about one mantra that might help you in some ways for the next day. So it may well be that you're looking forward to one piece of the day. Maybe it may be that the next day you're not really looking forward to it at all. Maybe you've just got an absolute nightmare of a day. And what you're really looking forward to is the end of it. I'm happy. Let's go with that. But the mantra for the day is all about mantras are, I'm a massive fan about mantras. And it's just simply a short statement, a short piece, a number of words that we might repeat to ourselves. I love these for children, but I also think they're really powerful for us, for us as parents. They're just short things and you are probably doing them already, but not realising that you do them. But they're short, sharp, succinct things that we say that help us because fundamentally our brain's whole purpose in life is to keep us safe. When we get caught in this sort of snowball narrative of things that are going really badly, I don't know if I can cope with this. It's all too much. Mantras are a really great way of anchoring us and centring us back into a statement that reminds us that we're capable. So it's not about this is negative and therefore a mantra is all about positive rah-rah. It's simply a statement that helps us. So it may be as simple as I'm capable. I've done it before. I can do it again. I'm capable of anything. When I get caught in this sort of snowball narrative of things that are going really badly, I don't know if I can being brave well actually maybe not even brave if it's about simply honoring yourself and your boundaries your mantra may simply be I'm worthy of boundaries I'm worthy of having dedicated time to myself so it's about creating something that will help you in those moments where maybe you may be wavering maybe it might be particularly challenging as a way of reminding you of your capabilities and the promise maybe and the intention that you've made so the bucket emptying is all about reflecting on the day having a notepad and pen date at the top review the day one thing that you're proud of one thing that you're grateful for one thing that you're looking forward to the next day and the mantra that you are going to adopt and take with you for that day now remember that our children are much more likely to do what they see and do what they want to do and that's why we're going to talk about the bucket emptying see than what we say and that little routine of just reflecting on the day and then documenting and chronicling is something that is really powerful not only for you as a parent but also for your children and so what we can be looking to do is once we are doing that practice regularly maybe our children notice that we're doing it maybe our children see our notepad maybe they hear us saying our mantra then it becomes a much easier conversation and it becomes a much easier conversation to have with our children about oh look this is something that i'm doing maybe it's something that you want to try have a look at what i've written in my diary or my journal how i've reflected on these things and then it then becomes something that's much more easy to have a conversation and encourage them to do because they're seeing you doing it rather than it coming as a bolt out of the blue and often from a child's perspective being seen as a something we're making them do rather than them seeing having a positive impact on us so i hope that particular bucket emptying little strategy helps you do let me know how you get on with it because i'd love to hear how you get on and as ever if you have enjoyed this episode why not share it with a friend ideally sharing it with two friends given that my mission and my goal for 2025 with the how not to screw up your kids podcast is to grow it tenfold and we can do that by simple well and you can help me and do that by simply you listening loving and enjoying the podcast and then sharing it with just two two friends and if everyone does that if everyone shares it with just two friends then the podcast will grow tenfold so until next time you
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