Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the Bucket Emptying Episodes. I'm your host, Dr Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying Episode is a strategy I want to share which I think once mastered could be life-changing for both you and your child and I don't say that lightly I really don't for some context one of the key skills required when it comes to raising confident and resilient adults and also an all-round I can handle whatever life throws at me which let's face it is going to happen a lot for our children as they become adults simply because that's life we get a lot thrown at us now one of those key skills is the ability to problem solve which basically means when something happens your child is able to reflect in some way doesn't have to be super deep or super meaningful but they're able to reflect on that particular situation and then they are able to formulate some sort of best guess in terms of the next step that they're going to take. Now I say best guess because there's no right answer just a number of options that they weigh up and they choose one just one and then they see what happens when they carry out that one thing and then they choose another and another and so on and so on and if we've got children who are able to then problem solve that skill over time builds this sense of agency which is a massive piece of jigsaw when it comes to raising. and becoming a resilient and a confident adult because agency is this notion and this deep seated deep rooted understanding that we have some power over what happens to us yeah we can't control the external factors but we can have this sense of agency that I get to choose how I show up in any situation and that because I get to choose how I show up that has an impact in some way on that outcome and it's a really crucial mindset for confidence don't you think and if I understand that I can you know I can choose and things might happen differently because I choose something different is hugely important and therefore that also impacts the success that our children have as adults and also as children whatever success looks like and that's different for different children it's different for different families it's different for different families it's different for different adults so how does this particular strategy whose problem is it help us with this now it's not about actually physically saying to our children whose problem is it it's much more about a strategy and it's super simple it really isn't a complicated strategy at all but I would say and I'll say this with love it takes a while to master because as parents we inherently are problem solvers we're fixers you know that's it's a lot of work and it's a lot of work and it's a lot of in lots of ways that was our role from the moment we had our child because they're not capable of solving problems for themselves they need we they need to be fed they need to be watered they need to be cared for and loved they need their nappies changing they need to be stimulated play-wise so of course in lots of ways in through those early years as our children grow up we have been it's all been about us fixing those problems but when it comes to whose problem is it it is about fundamental shift away from our maybe our inherent need to fix to actually understanding that we need to set back so it's super simple strategy and it simply asks us as parents to stop and think is this problem or challenge in front of me an opportunity for my child to flex their problem solving skills and build those problem solving muscles or is this something i ought to step in and help them with because they don't have the skills so maybe this is about me scaffolding or is this something that actually fundamentally requires parent resolution it isn't something that our children are equipped to deal with and should not be equipped to deal with and instead it's it's a it's a me problem you know for example choosing my child's nursery or preschool that's not a child problem that's a that's a parent that's not a child problem that's something that we need to do so the strategy itself is super simple in terms of its implementation and it simply requires us to stop ask the question yeah ask that question whose problem is it and then give ourselves five minutes to answer so it's not a quick because quite often we will talk ourselves out of it we'll be like yeah it's my it's a it's a me problem it's not a problem it's not a problem it's not a problem it's not a problem it's not a problem so it's probably helpful for me to run through some examples to help you get clarity so let's run through them let's take i don't know i would say that these are easy ones initially so your child is bored yeah so this could be a really young child who's you know you've tried the building blocks you're trying something that you know a book you've tried all sorts of things and they're bored or it could be your school-aged children and it's a weekend and you're trying to and you've got nothing planned and you just want to chill out and they're like oh i'm so bored or it's the school holidays whatever it is so the question is first of all you've got to stop and ask yourself the problem the question whose problem is it now you could say initially well actually do you know what i've got a really young child here it's my problem because my role is to you know provide opportunities for them to learn and to stimulate give them stimulating environments it could be that for your school-aged children you're thinking well i feel you know they're bored because i've been working all day and they've you know really haven't had a chance to take them anywhere so actually it's my problem so again is that why why is it my problem so is it your problem that you've been working all day and therefore it is your responsibility to entertain your children and the question is why it's about drilling deep so okay yes so you have been working all day why is it then your problem that your child is bored when potentially they've got a multiple child and they've got a multiple child and they've got a multiple child of opportunities available to them in your home that they could then direct themselves to so it's this question of keep asking yourself why now the problem solving as in what problem is it for your child may well be that actually the answer is yeah it really is their problem isn't it i get it mary hand but actually my child doesn't seem to be able to manage that they don't you know that they don't seem to be able to then recognize that they've got all of these things available to them they want the next novel thing well then that is a whose problem is it it's my child's problem but actually they don't have the skills to problem solve they need me to help scaffold so this is what i'm trying to sort of encourage you to think about with this strategy is that if we can move towards our children accepting agency and responsibility that i'm bored and actually i can change whether i'm bored or not by making different choices maybe widening the lens with which i'm seeing the things around in my home that i could then potentially engage in and that sometimes it's just simply a case of that they've forgotten that they've got these various things and that actually it's much more about give me an easy option you just ferry me somewhere or do something or maybe i just only want to be on the device or i only want to watch television or anything like that or i want you to entertain me because i've not yet learned how to amuse and entertain myself and deal with that void of nothing and create something for myself to do so it's really asking us to how can i now help my child build that problem solving and then reflect on what they have around them and that's a different piece that's a skills piece around look i've noticed that we use the word bored a lot in this house and i get that sometimes it doesn't seem particularly exciting when we've got a day at home and it feels like we you know it's so much more fun if we get to go out and go with our friends or we get to go to new places and we try different things or we find that actually we feel bored if we're not doing x or y and actually it's really important that we are a little bit flexible with some of the things that we do so how can we talk how can we begin to think about all the things that we have at home and all of the things that we could do in a slightly different way so we're recognizing and we're using the words that our children use and we're using the words that our children use and we're using the words i'm bored this is so boring there's nothing to do here oh and instead addressing it as a you're saying you're bored but what does that actually mean what does that look like and what are the options available to you so it might be about just having those conversations about reminding them and and actually whose responsibility is it if it's a feeling that you have about boredom because of the state of mind that you're currently in so what do you need to do to shift that because it's your boredom not my boredom and my boredom when it comes i might then choose x or y to do but that wouldn't necessarily be what you choose so how can we then begin to think about those things that we have available. So that is a definite, it's your child's. It's a problem that is your child's and then looking at building those skills. Another issue here, your child is upset because you've called time on their device time or television or playtime or watching. Again, that's a child problem. How do we scaffold if they're not able to work out what they're going to do next? And that could simply be, particularly with that example, I'd encourage you to go back to previous episodes that have looked about managing tech and managing transitions. That's just simply about having that conversation. It's a you problem. You need to think about what you're going to do after you've watched television, after you've then been on a device and how you're then going to, we can have a conversation, I can help scaffold that transition, but it's a child problem. Maybe your child keeps getting annoyed with their sibling. It's a child problem. Now it may well be, that you have to scaffold how they manage those emotions because maybe there's a bit of friction with that particular sibling. Again, but it's fundamental. Your child owns that. That is not for you to step in and problem solve and say, well, why don't you do this? And why don't you do that? Instead, it's about our children taking ownership for that. Maybe your child won't put their coat on to go outside and you've got a suspicion it's going to rain. Now, I genuinely believe that this is a child problem. Yep. Your child is owning the decision to not take a coat. So we can just acknowledge that and just say, you've chosen to not take a coat and that's a decision that you've made. Let's go. Now, it may well be that you'll surreptitiously put the coat, depends how big it is, in a bag or whatever that you're doing, because just in case there's an absolute torrential downpour. But my genuine belief is that if you are battling with this on a regular basis, your child has problem solved. Your child has, has used agency and made a decision that they don't want that coat. And there's a really powerful lesson in that. And that's not because I'm saying, I want to be, you know, it's an awful, you know, we want our children to experience real pain as a result, but they are expressing themselves in that way. And so I do believe that that's a really powerful way for them to understand. I really think you should take your coat because I've got a really strong feeling it's going to rain. I'm going to take my coat with me and your brother or your sister has decided to take their coat. If you choose not to take your coat, then okay, we're not going to argue about it. I'm not going to get upset, but I want you to understand that if it does rain, you're not going to have anything that will keep you dry. Is that your decision? Yeah, right. Then let's go. And then that provides that certain element of agency. They'll get feedback. It may well be that they go out and it doesn't rain, but it may well be that it goes out, that they go out and it does rain. And, and then, that's a natural consequence for them to learn. It's not punitive. It's a natural consequence. So just before bed, your child suddenly remembers that they should have done some homework, got something laundered or put something in their bag ready for school. That's not a us problem. And this is often, these are more of the problems that tend to happen where we as parents then launch in to try and resolve because we don't want our child to get into trouble because they haven't done their homework. We don't want our child to go into school having not got a particular piece of, of clothing or a particular kit or something that they're meant to take. But when we keep asking ourselves, why is that a reflection? Because I don't want to look like I'm a parent. I'm a bad parent. I don't want to look like a parent that doesn't care. I don't want to be judged because of that. I don't want my child to be seen as disorganized. I want them to be seen in a positive light at school. So I, so when we ask that, why, why, why? But fundamentally the stop and reflect says that this is actually my child's problem. Now, this doesn't mean that we just leave them to like, well, your problem, sorry, child, you got to sort it out. But it's simply a case of stopping and not going in to fix it. But instead saying to your child, right, okay. So you haven't done this piece of homework or you haven't laundered this, or we haven't, you haven't told me that you needed to have the ingredients for your cookery class this week. How can we go about resolving this? What, what is, what could we do? And really asking your child to work through the problem solving. And part of that problem solving may be that you step in and maybe you have to go to the supermarket or you make a decision that you'll go to the supermarket on the way to school, if it's a ingredient or a tool or something that they need. But the process of looking at the situation, working out what options are available to me is something that your child works through because it's your child's problem. And not yours. And by doing that, we really are equipping them with such incredibly powerful tools that whilst these things may seem small and trivial, but they're every day. And if every day we intervene, if every day we resolve the problems, then our children don't learn from these simple, generally, and I would imagine a lot of you are listening to this and saying, oh my goodness me, this happens every single day, multiple times. And if we work on the basics, if we work on the basics, if we work on the processes, if we work on the work that we're doing, if we work on the work that we're doing, if we work on the work that we're doing, things that we're having to orchestrate to build resilience. These are ways that our children can build their resilience really easily at home. So it's about really optimising those particular ones. The other ones that I've got is that maybe another child is repeatedly unkind to your child at preschool or at school. Now that is a very multi-layered one because there is a certain element of us helping resolve this as part of that problem solving because that may require a conversation as a parent with the preschool or with the school but our child is also working through that situation on a day-to-day basis and so there's got to be a certain element of it's a problem that your child has to own in that day-to-day. So that's a multi-layered whose problem is it? There's a bit that's your problem but there is a huge bit that is also your child's and I want you to move away from thinking that you know it's your problem you've got to resolve it. It's more a case of is there an opportunity here for my child to think through how they may change how they respond or what they do in those particular situations and that's why it becomes a big part of their problem but also in that particular situation a little bit of mine. And then maybe your child tells you that they've witnessed something at a party that they disclosed to you which is about another child another person and that then becomes much that you believe is endangering that child in some way then that's a an adult to adult conversation rather than a child to adult conversation. So we there are very clear things in terms of the problem being ours you know as I said earlier on about choosing schools and making decisions around what our children eat that's an us problem it's our problem to solve if we've got a child who's a particularly fussy eater in terms of we have to instigate that child to do something. We have to instigate that process of problem solving we have to instigate that process in terms of choosing schools so that's an us problem. Now I know that that's a lot to take in with this particular strategy I'm going to be coming back to it again and again because I just think it's it's simple yet also quite complex in terms of our relationship with our role as parents to resolve things for our children but it can genuinely be so powerful but it just requires us to stop. Ask ourselves the question whose problem is this and then keep asking ourselves why when we give those answers in that five minutes so that we can get to a bit more of a an honest understanding of whose problem it is. So I hope that was helpful I really do do let me know how helpful you found it how you've used it and if you've got any challenges with using it and as ever if you enjoy listening to this podcast maybe you've just discovered the podcast. For the very very first time welcome maybe you're an avid listener either way the way that other parents are going to find this podcast to find these strategies to find these tools to have this impact is if you spare those literally it just takes a minute to rate to review and to follow the podcast and by following the podcast that means that it will appear in whichever app you use to listen to podcasts it will just simply appear in your library each week each time a new episode is released so it's all ready for you to listen whenever you want to you don't have to go searching for it so if you could rate review and follow this podcast I would be eternally grateful so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time you
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