Speaker 1If your teenager's results were not what they hoped for and the plan has changed, today I have five things to help them through it. Because how you show up with them this week will shape how they move forward. Let me make sure you're ready. I'm Dr Mary Han and this is how not to screw up your kids. Today is for the families where the plan has genuinely changed. Now on Thursday we talked about results days and specifically what you can say and do for your teenager in those first crucial hours, whatever the grades that they received. Today's episode is for the families where the plan has genuinely changed. Where the university place did not come through, as expected, or it did but now they're not sure they want it. Or clearing is on the table or a gap year is being considered or the gap year that they wanted to have they no longer want to or everything feels uncertain. And I would also say that this episode is also for parents whose children are not getting A-level results this week because changed plans, unexpected outcomes and the grief of a future that does not look quite how you imagined it are experiences every family will face at some point. And in some form. So this really is about navigating those changes that your teens not not expecting whether that's A-levels or something else. Now the bucket that fills up in these moments is quite a specific one. It fills with grief, the loss of the imagined future. And that's what it is grief. Plans are not just logistics. Plans are identity. When your teenager planned to go to Bristol, let's say, to study law, that plan was part of who they imagined they were becoming. And when that plan falls apart, it can feel like the self itself is also falling apart with it. So today, I want to go through five ways to help empty that bucket and help them along that process. So number one, I think it's, as you would expect me to say, is that we want to name the loss is that acknowledgement of the loss. And that's what I'm going to do today. And I'm going to go and that naming before we begin solving the problem. And of course, the instinct when something goes wrong is as a parent to rush in and to try and fix it. We've been there, we've seen it, we've done it, maybe we've had that same experience. Or maybe we fixed it for a previous, you know, an older sibling. But to jump straight to the options and the alternatives, maybe we want to do that maybe want to tell them about the clearing deadlines and the practical next steps. And yes, these things do matter. But if, if you go there, and do the process bit and the fixing bit before we've really acknowledged the loss, our teenager can feel like their grief is being rushed past or that we're not, we don't really understand what's going on for them. You know, so we might say things like, you know, you had an acknowledgement might sound something like this, you know, you had a picture of how this was going to go. And it makes complete sense that you're sad. And that, you know, that it's not going to go that way. And that's allowed. We don't have to sit in that for that long. But we do have to sit in it, we do have to make that real attempt to sit with them and look at the situation from their lens. You know, a few moments of genuine acknowledgement before moving to problem solving changes the whole conversation. Because to your teen, that's validation. That's acknowledgement. My parent understands how this feels for me. They were attempting to meet me where I match. And once we've done that piece, then our teens are ready to then move on. So number one is name the loss before moving in to solve the problem. Option two is give the plan, maybe 48 to 72 hours to settle. You know, I know that if your child had some disappointing results, and they are planning, they are currently going through clearing, I know that clearing moves fast. And the and yet within that pressure there's usually more time than it feels like you know a teenager in acute distress makes worse decisions than a teenager who has had a night's sleep and a proper meal you know where the timeline allows obviously if it doesn't it doesn't but where it genuinely allows and you've got to be honest with yourself as to whether the timeline really allows and it often does by at least a day or two advocate for taking a breath before committing to the next thing we do not have to decide this today let's sleep on it tomorrow we can look at everything with fresh eyes it's not avoidance but it's giving the decision the best possible conditions so that your child doesn't end up your teen doesn't end up making a decision in the moment because they feel that that's that pressure and they find themselves somewhere they don't want to be or doing a course that they don't really want to do so that's number two is about giving the plan 48 to 72 hours to settle number three is help them build a new story and this is probably one of the most powerful things that we can do and it isn't necessarily something that we can do that it's immediate it's something to plant in those early days after results the story is this many of the people who find the most satisfaction in their career and life took a path that was not the original plan clearing students often end up at universities they love more than their first choice gap years open doors people did not know existed apprenticeships lead to careers that are more fulfilling than degrees would have been you're not minimizing what happened you're just simply widening the gap and you're not minimizing what happened you're just simply widening the gap widening the frame and we can plant the seed early yeah some of the best stories start with a plan that changed and then we don't have to prove it after that we're just simply sowing the seed we're making that statement we're just going to say it and we're just going to let it sit there we don't need to grapple around for the evidence we don't need to name a whole load of famous people or people that our teens know who who's best you know had this incredible life that started with something that didn't quite go to plan we're just planting we're just putting it there and often when we make these sorts of statements or any form of statement the brain then acts on the basis of trying to find some evidence to support that and so by just simply placing it there without any agenda on ourselves without any examples the teen is then able to source the information themselves because it does the work itself the statement over time so number three is help them build a new story and that leads very beautifully on to number four which is helping them to separate their identity from the outcome and this can be super difficult because a levels gcses are will public and obviously at the time because our children are at school that's the only metric that they have have been gone through their life so far that really defines who they are and how they compare to others so their grade is a data point now we know it's not a verdict on who they are or how intelligent they are or what they're capable of but it's a data point and it's a data point and it's a data point and it's a very significant data point to them now this is not just a nice thing to say it's a neurologically and psychologically true that it is just a data point and the verdict on all the other things is yet to come and it we want to be saying it clearly to them more than once for them to be able to eventually take it in you are exactly the same person today as you were yesterday this does not change what i see in you for example might be something that we'll say if your teenager responds and they may well do this but what does that even mean or seem cynical about this course you're going to say that because you're my parents then it's okay plant the seed anyway these things do land even when teenagers appear not to hear them those are the things over time that we repeat not only in what we say but are consistent with the way that we act that slowly begins to help them understand that they are separate their identity and who they are is separate from the results these things do land and they do eventually hear them so number four is separate their identity from the outcome number five is really let them lead the decision and that's often one of the hardest things for us to do as a parent because when everything feels urgent and uncertain the urge to take a over is supremely powerful i've told you often i'm a reforming control enthusiast so for me it has always been really difficult in those situations not to sort of step in but you know we can see the options much more clearly we've been around the block a few times we've been there seen it done it we've we've either experienced it or we have family members or friends or colleagues who've gone through this we have got more experience but you know we do want to fix it for them but we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it and we want to resolve it not because our judgment is wrong but because their confidence in the next chapter of their own lives and their capability will come from them having made the decision themselves. With our support, of course, but not instead of it. Our role is to ask questions, not to give answers. So we might ask things like, what matters most to you about the next step? What are you drawn to, even if it surprises you? What would feel right, even if it is not what we planned or what you planned? And then listen, really listen, ask probing questions, paraphrase back what you're hearing. The answer might surprise both of you. Now, the families that I have worked with over the years who navigated unexpected results best had one thing in common. The parent stayed regulated, not because they were not worried. They often were, but because they understood that their teenager needed to be a part of the family. And so they were not worried. They needed a calm place to land and they provided it even when that was hard. So you can't control the outcome, but you can control how you show up in the aftermath. And that is enough. It is more than enough. And this Thursday is GCSE results day. And the conversation is a little different from A-level results because your child is younger. The stakes feel different because it's the first time they've had that public judgment. And the range of emotional responses can be wider. And I'm going to give you everything you need to be exactly the parent your child needs on Thursday morning. So do not miss it. And so that's everything for today. Be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be to your children. You don't have to get it right every time. And the fact that you're here learning and growing already says a lot. For more episodes and all the resources to support you, head to drmaryhand.com. I'm Dr. Mary Hand, take good care of yourself, and I'll see you on Thursday.
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