Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary-Anne, psychologist and parenting expert. These shorter episodes are all about tackling topical subjects in bite-sized chunks or sharing top tips to relieve either your overwhelm or your child's, because let's face it, your time is super precious. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is for all of you who are about to return to work after having had a period of time either on maternity or paternity leave, but equally it's for all of you who've had an extended period of time at home. Maybe it's been a holiday, maybe it's been a career break and you're about to go back to work. And I thought, actually, rather than give you a list of things that you should do, instead I thought, it's probably some mindset shifts that are more important to discuss. And then you get to choose how you then implement that, what that means to you. And so I have come up with the five Cs, and those are compromise, control, connect, curate, and communicate. So let's dive in. So the first one, compromise. When you have had time off, when you have, it's your first child, second child, you're going back to work. It's all about compromise. Do not expect to do everything that you have done on your maternity and paternity leave, plus your job, even if it is part-time. So whether you're going back part-time, working from home, flexi, or you've got 24-7 childcare, it's about getting into the mindset of which things am I going to need to lose and expect to have to keep, removing things. So what this is about is getting into the mindset of which things am I going to need to lose. It's a bit weird, isn't it? It feels a bit odd. Instead of like, all of the things I'm going to do, it really is that mindset. Because what we're doing is we're adding another layer of things that we're going to be doing day-to-day. And so having a mindset and an expectation that we're going to have to lose something actually sets us up much more for being able to manage the extra workload. So it's really keeping a mindset. Thinking about, okay, so these are the things that I'm currently doing. I'm now going to be returning back to work. What are the things that realistically I'm going to need to drop? And it may well be I might drop them temporarily. It may be that we're going to drop them permanently. It may be that there's some compromising and that we start with one set of things that we drop, but find that actually for us, it's more important that we drop something else. But just having that mindset really frees you up. And what you're going to do is basically lose that and expect to keep going. Keep removing things until you find and you hit that sweet spot. So lose this genuinely mindset, lose this notion that you need to do everything for your child in order for your child to flourish. Yep. The recurring theme in all of my C's is fundamentally, if you are all right, your baby or your child will be all right. Compromise is about embracing, that good enough parenting and ditching any notion of perfect parenting, even if yours maybe has been perfect so far. So that would be, that would be my number one mindset shift. What compromise looks for you, looks like for you will be completely different to what compromise looks like for someone else. Stay in your lane, particularly I think when we're returning back to work and we, it's been our first or second child and we've been on that maternity or paternity leave surrounded by, others that are in a similar situation. I think sometimes we can get sucked into what others are managing and feeling that we don't, we shouldn't be needing to compromise, that we should be able to do all of these other things. I think the one sort of piece of advice that I would give to all parents, first time or first time having two children or first time having three children is that parenting is all about compromise, all about compromise, compromising the things that we all said we were going to do before we had children. The things we were unweighted, the things that we were wavering about. I remember very vividly saying I was never going to try and bribe my children. And of course, before you know it, you're doing it. My child's never going to sleep in my bed before you know it, you're doing it. All of the things that we say, it's all about compromise. Doesn't mean that we are having, we're boundaryless, but it does mean that we're flexing and understanding that sometimes we've just got to sort of bend with things a little bit in order to get to where we finally want to. So that would be my number one compromise. Number two. Okay. The second C of the mindset shifts. The second C is control. The moment you have a child, you lose all sense of control over your life. Yep. Even if you have the pretty elusive perfect child who sleeps through the night, is always smiling, feeds beautifully, is never crabby. Does that child actually exist? Well, maybe for some of you it does. You know, it may be that you'll go through a particular age and stage where they will be super perfect. And you'll be like, oh my God, I'm acing this. I don't know why everyone's finding it so difficult. This is just so easy. I can guarantee you that your child will not be perfect throughout. And that's part of being parents, isn't it? So what I would say in the control bit about the mindset shifts is that focus on what you have control of in this moment. And don't get too caught up in trying to control future. I think, I think that's one of the things I would say. check is that of course when you're going back to work after paternity or maternity leave of course there's an element of that it's uncertainty you don't know particularly if you're going back for the first time what's that going to look like for me how am I going to juggle this new thing that is being a parent of one child a parent of two children and as well holding down a career that looks different now because I'm going back in a slightly different way or I've had time out when we're presented with something where we're uncertain we naturally seek to control it's a human thing everybody does it what I'm suggesting in terms of the mindset shift is instead of trying to control too far into the future let's look at what can I control in this moment that the kind of that real presence in this moment right now what's within my remit of control what might be in the remit of my control in the next 20 minutes half an hour an hour rather than getting really consumed with the with the kind of the long game and it is about getting comfortable and accepting maybe you can't feel comfortable but just that acceptance that parenting can be quite that there's a lot of chaos in it yeah it is true it doesn't have to be so chaotic that there's no order or resolution through it but there are times where it gets super messy and super chaotic so you know we may well feel that we've got everything nailed down at our end but if our baby for example or our child isn't feeling nailed down maybe we're not feeling nailed down maybe they didn't sleep as well maybe they're hungry maybe they're bored maybe they're irritated maybe they're just grumpy then all hell can often break loose and let's face it it's most often at the most inopportune moment so it's really embracing this notion of controlling what we can in the moment rather than in the future and my favorite mantra is this too shall pass whatever is going on in that moment that might be chaotic that might be overwhelming that feels totally out of your control will not stay that way for an extended period of time it will pass that period of time where your child is up all through the night and has got a cough or a sniffle that time when your child won't feed properly that time when you are utterly exhausted i can't tell you how long it will be before it will pass but it will pass so having a shift in our mindset around control is also helpful so that's our second c our third c is connect i say it all at the time so i'm going to say it again it takes a tribe to raise a child and returning to work is often when we want to lean on and lean into this tribe more than ever and it may well be part of that mindset shift is accepting that the connections that we may have forged during our life are not the same as the connections that we may have forged during our pregnancy during our birthing period and that expectation of our child through that after having our child through our paternity and maternity leave is that those connections some may strengthen some may wane and that's okay you don't have to keep every connection going it's about recognizing what's the tribe that you need in this new phase in this next phase of your parenting journey and it's about recognizing what's the tribe that you need in this new phase and really being mindful to kind of connect and to curate that because your connections are going to be instrumental in the chaos in those moments where things don't go according to plan in those times that you want to compromise or need to compromise so connect is your third c your fourth c is curate now we talk a lot about our children what our children are viewing online or children's viewing habits and how harmful they are to our children and how harmful they are to our children and how harmful they are to our children and how harmful and damaging this can and how harmful and damaging this can and how harmful and damaging this can be to their self-esteem and the messages be to their self-esteem and the messages be to their self-esteem and the messages they receive about what it is maybe to be female they receive about what it is maybe to be female or male if this was our child and we our child was having some major self-esteem issues or running a whole narrative around what it meant to be and their self-esteem was being knocked by the messages that they were getting not just online but maybe from friendships we would be all over it we would be helping them to curate a feed people around them information which speaks to their values we would be all over it with our children and yet we are not all over it with ourselves so i would encourage you to do the same for you just because you said you read something on your feed you read something in a book there's something on the television with someone that says you should parent this way get super intentional each time ask yourself does this way of parenting this should sit with my values does it feel right for my family and could i communicate to someone else why i found this particular technique or this strategy moving forward or this tool super helpful in a deep and meaningful way that makes sense because if you're able to communicate something if it feels you know congruous to your values then that is absolutely a right fit but if you are doing something that you feel as a should deep down you probably know it doesn't work with your family it doesn't sit with your values and then when you're asked to explain it to someone you can't really get under the skin of it because it doesn't feel right for you then it probably isn't there are lots you know i think we're probably at an all-time high when it comes to parenting advice and shoulds and and the rest of it in parenting no wonder so many parents are anxious because it's almost like well someone's saying you should do this and someone's saying no you shouldn't do that so i think the only sense check to that is about asking yourself does this sit with me does this feel right in the same way as you would be all over it for your child if there was some element of communication that you would be able to communicate with your child and that's what you need to do if you're going to be able to communicate with your child you need to be able to communicate with your child you need to have communication to them about as a girl you need to look beautiful and be this size you'd be all over it absolutely not as a male you've got to do this and this absolutely not do the same for yourselves be really kind and compassionate and if need be ask yourself the question is this the advice that i would give a friend does that sit well with me so the curate bit is about being aware of where is this information coming from that is telling me the shoulds and if you are finding that you are not able to communicate with that you are sinking drowning under shoulds and that you are feeling overwhelmed start looking at where am i getting my information from that that is saying to me this is the way that i need to parent now that could be nothing to do with online it could be maybe even your own parents telling you that this is the way it should be done maybe it's your in-laws maybe it's friends maybe it's a perceived feeling that you need to be perfect but curate that because that will over time have such a significant impact on your and undermine your confidence to do what you instinctively i genuinely believe as parents we understand our children more than anybody else and so when we give ourselves the time and space with that we can usually come up with a reasonable this sits okay with me this doesn't sit okay with me and then we're able to then proceed so that would be a really big one number four which is the curate and then my fifth and final c is communicate i say this with love but do not expect people to read your mind you need to communicate not only at home but at work too think of it this way you are advocating on behalf of your child with every honest conversation you have you see all our child needs or your child needs is for you to be okay and if you are feeling overwhelmed communicate this this is not a weakness you are advocating for your child who needs you to show up for them having taken care of yourself first just sit with that for a moment that could not be more true in every aspect of parenting children and babies do not need us to be with them play with them and cuddle them all of the time they need us to be responsive to their needs when we are present and engaged so give yourself the best possible chance each time to do that by asking for help leaving work a little later if it means getting home and all of your work on a particular task is done pick up your child 30 minutes later from daycare so that you can have what you need to recharge in those 30 minutes coffee a walk a mooch a gym session an uninterrupted chat with a friend these are for me five real big shifts that are so helpful but what underlies all of these is the reality that parenting is messy it can be chaotic sometimes you will have moments where you will 100 feel like i'm acing this i've got it but there will be other times where it will feel incredibly overwhelming and by adopting the compromise control connect curate and communicate shifts we give ourselves the best chance when we're returning back to work to keep ourselves sane and not overwhelm ourselves so i hope that that was a really helpful bucket emptying episode and you've come away with something that speaks to you and where you're at at the moment and of course if you have found this helpful it's probably likely that somebody you know will also find this episode helpful so why not share the episode and if you haven't yet done so why don't you just take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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