Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the Bucket Emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's Bucket Emptying episode, I want to give you 10 questions that you can ask your children over the course of a week that will reveal some interesting conversation starters, that will build connection, that will help you understand where your children are at and where their needs may be, but also helping your children really sort of begin that process of reflecting on their week in a way where they can become a bit more self-aware. So, I talk a lot about this idea that we have a bucket that fills. We have a bucket, our children have a bucket. And often we don't really realize that our children's buckets have overflowed until that last drop goes in and then they go into total and utter overwhelm or they experience this big emotion. By asking some of these questions on a regular basis, and some of these may well lend themselves to every day, some of them may well be better once a week, some may well be better every day. But it's about really whether you use my questions or whether you substitute them for something else. It's just simply about being a bit more intentional with some of the things that we ask our children. So, I would say I learned very quickly when my children, when I picked them up from either nursery or when I picked them up from school, that asking them questions about how their day was, did they enjoy it? Who did they play with? What did they eat? What did they learn? That actually, that they're not just going to be able to play with. They're going to be able to play with a lot of different things. So, I don't think that that was either accompanied by a rolling of the eyes or 99.9% of the time was accompanied by a, I don't know, I can't remember. Now, some of us will have children, I did not, but some of you listening will have children who will come back from whatever it is they've been doing, whether it's a play date, whether it's time with their grandparents, whether it's a nursery day, whether it's been, they've been at school, and give you a blow-by-blow account of almost anything and everything that has happened. But I don't think that I would say that you are probably one of the rarer parents. Most parents get monosyllabic grunts and can't-remembers and maybe a fraction of the amount of what's happened back from their children at the end of the day. And I would say a lot of that, of course, is we're asking the question when they've just come out and they're utterly exhausted. But I also think a lot of it is around the question itself. It doesn't in itself lend itself to encouraging our children. To think about something that has happened. So these questions are much more around building that curiosity, but also encouraging them to want to engage with the conversation. So I'm going to give you these 10. Use them as you will. Hopefully you will find one or two nuggets here that you will take away and then you will use. So these are in no particular order. They are just in the way that I thought of them. Number one, ask, so we're just asking our children about something which brought a smile to their face or made them laugh. So we're asking them to consider, to reflect on something that brought a smile to your face or made you laugh. Now, what I would say, having asked that first question, that I would probably qualify this with is that we want to set the right scene. These are not questions that we can just chuck at our children and then sort of sit back and say, well, Marianne said that this was going to be a great question and they were going to suddenly reveal themselves. It's about setting the right context. Asking our children about something that brought a smile to their face or made them laugh. So we're asking our child as they've come out of school and they're in the car as we're driving home and they're tired and they're hungry and they're pretty probably foul and grumpy. So tell me something which brought a smile to your face or made you laugh is probably going to get you zero. But what it might be able to do is while you're sitting and eating after they've had some time to relax and they've chilled out and you're then having that at the end of a meal and you want to start with, well, today this made me laugh or this made me smile and then ask them, then you're probably going to have a much better chance of doing that. So it's just thinking about the questions in themselves are not going to be powerful enough on their own. We also want to think about the context in which we ask them. And so it's thinking about for your family, for your children, for the dynamics of how you operate your family units day and evening, when might be a good, and for some of you that might be best, it may well be when just after stories, but it's beginning to think about how can I find out a little bit more about my child's day, but also how can I encourage them to scan their day in such a way that they're able to pick out some of the lighter moments, some of the more fun moments, some of the more enjoyable. So that's one question. Number one, something which brought a smile to your face or made you laugh. One thing about tomorrow, which you are looking forward to. Now, I love that question as a general framing of the next day. And I love that question, particularly, I mean, it's useful for any, for anybody, but I think it's particularly useful for those that may dread school or those that may be dreading a particular thing that's going to happen the next day, something they're not particularly looking forward to. So what we're trying to get them to do by asking that question is, can we review the thing that you'd rather not do? You, the thing that you generally find difficult and amongst all of the things that you say you don't like about it, can you find, can you search, can you needle in a haystack, find one thing that you could look forward to within that? And I, and again, I completely understand that this can be difficult when we're asking a child to do that, when they have got a particular mindset and framing of a particular situation, it is though really worth persevering with and asking consistently and regularly because you may get the initial, there is nothing that I'm looking forward to. It is just awful. And I don't like this and I don't want to do it. And I don't want you to be put off by that. Um, I think it's definitely something that's worth, you know, worth asking. And then maybe if you do get a huge amount of resistance, ask, I wonder, this might be something that you, that is worth looking forward to, or that you might be looking forward to, even if it's at the end of it, like that you've done it and that you've come out the other side and it wasn't maybe quite so bad. So that's question number two. Number three is who did you help today and in what way, or you could frame it as a, who did you make a difference to today and in what way? And the reason why I like that is it's, it's not a typical question really that we would ask our children. And what it does do is it frames this act of service that I'm a really, I'm really passionate about because I think it's something that we probably don't think about quite in the same way. I think our children probably do it quite regularly. We do it as parents because we, it's an act of service almost any, every day as parents. But I think it's a really beautiful thing to think about when we're trying to build community. Children are increasingly saying that they don't have this strong sense of belonging within a community at school or within their communities in terms of the geography where they live, their actual physical community. And when we can begin to have conversations around acts of service, around how might we be able to, to be helpful to other people, what we do is we shift the emphasis away from a, I'm not a capable individual. I'm not a capable individual. I don't have this skillset. I've got low self-esteem. I'm not, I don't have lots of friends to instead putting the lens outwards. So, and that in itself builds that confidence and that capability and that sense of the world is a better place for having me in it because I can act and be helpful to, and be kind and respectful and to make a difference to other people. Now, I guess what's important to remember when we're thinking about acts of service and doing things for other people. This is not about being a people pleaser. This is not about prioritizing other people's needs above our own and above our children, you know, not encouraging our children to do things just for other people all of the time, but it is encouraging them to think beyond their immediate and what can be very typical and normal egotistical tendency, which is that it's the me, me, me, and I, I, I, I, and you know, what's, what, what do I want? What, you know, what's mine? And instead start thinking about how might I make a difference? How might I be helpful? How might I be able to help someone else? And they don't have to look very far because acts of service can be done at home. You know, an act of service in terms of emptying a dishwasher, that's an act of service. An act of service may well be sitting with a younger sibling and playing a game that they want to, that they want to play. You know, it doesn't have to be some big profound act. It's simply about being aware that they can then do something and make a difference to somebody else's day. That can be as simple as a smile. It could be opening a door. It can be saying, are you lost? Do you need any help? Can I help you? You look a bit upset. Are you all right? Do you need some company? Whatever that might be, I think really, and there's a difference between when we ask questions about it, when we have conversations around it, we make it front and centre. We make it something that our children can think about rather than it being this, what something that we meant to do at particular holidays and festivals. So we really embed it as part of the value system that we have as a family. So number three is about who did you help today and in what way, or who did you make a difference to today? Number four is something new you learnt about yourself. So rather than it being this open ended, like, what did you learn today? What did you learn this week? What did you learn this month? It's much more about, let's just reflect on what have you learnt about yourself? And that may well be, I can do difficult things. It may well be, I've learnt that I can do something that I didn't think I could do. It could be that I've learnt that I really don't like avocado. I learnt that I can do a forward roll. I've learnt, you know, red is my favourite colour. Anything. So this doesn't have to be profound. We're building that sense of curiosity in who they are as individuals and how with each day, they're learning more and more about themselves, you know, more and more about their interests. And I think that's really important. They may well be learning that there are certain types of friends that they really like spending time with. They could learn actually, you know, I've really learnt that I really enjoy this particular subject that I didn't realise I enjoyed, or I'm really learning, I'm really enjoying this particular topic at school. So it's really getting them to be a bit more curious about who they are and what they've learnt about themselves. So that is number four. Number five is what did someone do today? What did someone do today, this week, this month, which you admired? And this is really, it's that acknowledgement that we tend to as human beings, we're social animals, we look to others, we compare ourselves. And rather than looking at it from the lens of a negative comparison, so that person is better than me, we reframe it in that perspective of that admiration, who might be someone that we've looked at as a role model, or that we've looked at them as a mentor, or that we've looked at them as a partner, or that someone that we've admired and their capabilities. Because what we can do with this particular question is, that's the scene setting question, you know, what does someone do today, which you admired? And then, well, what was it about that, that you particularly admired? And is that something that is really important to you? And how might you then take that on, on board and begin to kind of work on that for yourself, if that's a skill, or if that's a capability that you would really love to have? Because I think that that can be, we use that then in a really powerful way, as though these role models being something that our children can connect to, that it's an admiration, rather than a jealousy, or a put down, or that they're then less than, it's simply that, that this person models to me something I'd really love to be able to do. And then breaking that down, and then that becoming really part of that goal setting. Now, how might we begin to acquire some of the capabilities that this particular person has? And it may work, it may not work, it may not work, but it may work. And so, I think that's a really that they just admire them because they admire their bravery. They admire the fact that they are not worried about what other people think, but they were able to sing in front of other people, or they were able to take a chance on something, and that we really admire that about them, and we'd love to feel braver. And so, how might we then incorporate that? So, I love that question. That's number five. Number six, the nicest, what's the nicest thing someone did for you today, or this week, or this month? So, we're just trying to get them to think about what those acts of kindness that have actually happened to them, things that other people have done, and what might that be? What did they do? Who was it? How did it make you feel? So, again, what we're doing with a lot of these questions is it's a reflective piece of really asking our children to actively scan, either their day, or their week, or their month, or that particular event, so that they are actively seeking to be able to reflect on good things that have happened from that, rather than always necessarily, as is often the human trait, is that we tend to pick out the things that didn't go to plan, the things we didn't tick off our to-do list, or the things that didn't quite go so well. And instead, we're asking them to scan that situation, that day, that week, that month. And so, we're asking them to scan that situation, that day, that week, that month, and think about things that have happened in that positive way. So, that's number six. Number seven, something you have tried hard at today, this week, this month. So, it's, again, getting them to think about, and that might be tricky initially, but if that becomes a regular question that you ask once a week, once a month, it sets that tone for, actually, what's really important, what we communicate, what we talk about. And so, it's, again, getting them to think about, and what we value within this family is effort. And actually, I know that I'm going to be asked that question again next week. I'm going to be asked that question again next month. And so, over time, because these questions, particularly something like this, it's about consistency. So, it then becomes a value system. It becomes a, actually, it's really important in this family that we have conversations around things that we've tried. So, it's not about outcome. It's hard today not to hit my brother. I tried really hard today not to get angry and scream. I tried really hard today to try something new at mealtime. You know, I tried really hard today or this week to do my homework on time and not avoid it. I tried really hard to be off my phone more. You know, whatever that is, we're just really kind of encouraging that. So, really thinking about how that might play out and what, and then being able to praise it, being able to celebrate that process of working hard. And it's about trying hard. And it could be that I've tried really hard not to hit my brother, and I hit him anyway, but I was trying really, really hard. So, we can celebrate that because effort over time will yield the results that we want. And it's the effort that we want to praise. So, that is number seven. Number eight is a very sort of similar one around this not necessarily what we've tried hard, but something that which we are grateful for. Now, gratitude can be quite a difficult concept for younger children to get. So, we can often then talk about what, you know, things that made them laugh or smile. The gratitude one is one that I would encourage you to do on a regular basis. So, I would really encourage you to do that on a daily basis and to ask that question of your children every day. One thing that you are grateful for, one thing that made you laugh or smile today. Because it's that acknowledgement that it's often the small things that make the real difference rather than these big expressions of love or big acknowledgements of capabilities or, you know, they're not grand gestures. They're often that smile. They're often that door being opened. It's often that it being sunny when it was break time, that person asking if they could play with you rather than it being anything huge. So, that would be number eight. Number nine. And this one is probably, I'm a big fan, remember, of Sunday family meetings. So, this might be something that you do on a Sunday or it might, well, each week or you might do it once a month. It's one family rule or one family tradition you would like to create, that your children would like to create. Think about new, build into. So, rather than one rule you don't like, we're thinking about one rule or one tradition that they would like to create. So, that's number nine. And this one is probably, I'm a big fan, remember, of Sunday and I think this is a really lovely one because they're looking at almost co-creating your family culture. You know, we're doing it with them. Now, obviously, we are parents. That's our role is to help our children grow up to become capable, resilient adults. How we do that, we can do with our children. You know, there are certain aspects of saying no and boundary setting and helping our children in that regard, but they can be, you know, a significant contributor to the culture that we create and how we might then instill rules and traditions that help us achieve the end goal of raising a resilient adult with their input. So, I think that that's a really lovely one and it may, you know, that probably is a big one to do every single week. But I think once a month can be great when you've done a bit of a review of what worked this month, what didn't work this month, what might we want to do differently, what rule or tradition that we're going to use. So, I think that's a really lovely one. So, I think we then want to put in place that will make that one easier. And then number 10, and this I have to say is my most favourite, is complete the sentence. If I stepped into the braver version of myself, I would. And this is a real, I wonder, what if? This is a real opportunity for our children to think. And I would love to be asking this question once a month, I think once a week is probably a bit too much. I think we'd start with once a month. Like if you, Fred, could step into the braver version of yourself, what would you do? So we're just, it's just that it could be just for a moment, pause and consider that braver version that lies deep within you, that is capable of doing difficult things. What might be something that that braver version of yourself would really love to do? And let's talk about that. We don't need to jump on and say, right, okay, that's what you, that's your goal. That's what you're going to do. But just simply beginning to sow that seed of what might that be? If you felt brave enough to do things, what might you do? And then we can then over time begin to elaborate on that and then think about what steps might we put in place? What are those tiny little exposure ladder scenarios that might be able to begin to build, tease out that braver version that lies within our children so that they feel over time that they're able to make some significant steps towards being able to do that thing that they'd like their braver selves to do. So I hope that those were some really useful questions to consider. And of course, those are my questions with my words. Feel free to adapt and to modify in any shape or form that feels more aligned to the language that you would use, to the language that your children would be happy to engage with. And play around, have a bit of fun with these. And you just never know. Don't sort of listen to these questions and think, I can't possibly do that with my children. You don't know until you've tried. And trying is not about doing it once and then, oh my God, Mary Hannah got eye rolls and I got, oh, why are you asking me such a stupid question? So I'm not doing it. Play around with it. And if you're not doing it, then you're not doing it. And play around with it. If you don't tend to ask these questions, if it's not something you have typically done, of course, it's going to feel strange. It's going to feel odd. They may not know how to respond to it because it's not something that you do regularly. So just try and play around with it. Try and pose a question from the perspective of you answering the question first, seeing what response you get, asking, posing it and seeing what happens and maybe leaving it for a few days, a few weeks, and then trying again. These are incredibly powerful. I ask these questions and these type of questions all of the time with children that I work with regularly, and they never bat an eyelid in terms of being able to respond to them as long as I have worded them in a way that they are able to access. And so I know that these questions are not beyond children of any age when they are framed in the moment. So maybe make a commitment that you're going to give at least one of these a try consistently, maybe for the next few weeks, and then let me know how you get on with them. So I hope you found that helpful. And as always, if you enjoy listening to the podcast, why not consider sharing this episode with someone that you know who may find these 10 questions super helpful for them and their family too. And if you haven't yet done so, take a moment to rate and review the podcast. So that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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