Bryan + Teresa (Carolla Classics)

[Music] Welcome to Cruel Classics, I'm your host, Superfan G of Onig. This is the podcast where we put the best moments highlights and fans like to clip small 17 years of the Adam Corolla show. If you look at gain access to the ad-free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast, beat it out. Make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack at AdamProlodotsubstack.com. Sign up, listen ad-free. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics@AdamProlodotcom. Let's get to the clips. In a very sad turn of events, Brian Bishop's wife Christy Bishop shared the news on their GoFundMe for Brian's care that actually reached its goal. I'm sure they could still use extra funds, especially the latest update. Christy said that Brian is now unresponsive or taking audio messages and text and emails to have her read to him. That looks like he's not coming out of this, unfortunately, as we all hoped. He was still talking a couple days ago. It's devastating news for Christy and Tessa, Brian's family, and for all of us listeners and everybody who loved him on the show and for everybody who hadn't worked with him on the Adam Corolla show. The Adam Corolla show is now approaching 4,500 episodes. Bald Bryan was on over 3,000 episodes. So that's how intrinsic Bald Bryan was to this podcast. That doesn't even count the radio show. Bald Bryan first began as a phone screener back in 2002 on Loveline, and he worked there with Teradon Kalmitara, Goddamnit. As Adam and Drew refer to her alongside Engineer Anderson. Bryan is responsible for a lot of the most infamous calls from 2002 to 2005 that were selected for air on Loveline. Here's a legend of all the fans. He participated and shared on a Loveline companion fan blog where he gave like updates real time about the show. Ultimately leading to him being fired for just simply saying something to the effect of, "Oh, Adam and Drew were saying less of this kind of cult tonight." Somebody saw it caught wind, lost his employment. It was 2005, a few months later, Adam Corolla was left the show, and he had two consecutive shows he was working on. The Adam Corolla project on TLC and two late with Adam Corolla. He got Bald Bryan and Gago run two late with Adam Corolla on Comedy Central. Not working behind the scenes. Then when Adam Corolla's radio show started up in 2006 in January, Bald Bryan was working behind the scenes on that as well. I think he was doing some phone screening again. Mike Lynch, the writer for the show, had a stern type vibe for like a morning crew and a little bit of a whack-pack vibe. Not derivative, but just in that same vein. Mike Lynch went on his honeymoon and Bald Bryan, Bryan Bishop, filled in on the drops. And he was so fast and so quick. Perhaps due to all the time spent next to Anderson, or just listening to Loveline as a fan. He understood how that weave drops in perfectly with Adam Corolla specifically, and also the format of the show. When Mike Lynch returned for this honeymoon, there was just no option for him to keep going. I think he would might agree with Bryan had to keep the job. So from early 2006, not the very beginning, but very early, he was on every episode of the KLSX Morning Show, which ran for 715 episodes from January of 2006, all the way until February of 2009. There's multiple cast and format changes. The first news girl Rachel Perry left the show. Then they had a replacement search and they hired Teresa. Teresa was on the show throughout 2006 with Adam Dave Damagek, bride and on the sound effects. And of course Teresa Strosser's the news girl. Dave the sports guy. 2007, there's a cast shake-up. Danny Boniducci was hired. It was now Adam Corolla, Danny Boniducci and Teresa Strosser. With Bald Bryan's drops, it's particularly on Friday episodes with Joel McHale. Being so cutting and witty, they were used to such a great effect. They were almost the voice of the fans, the listeners, and even the cast members getting tired of Danny Boniducci having to be around him. So it was a great rebuttal to Danny every time. He would say something stupid or insane or otherwise derailed the show. Bryan always had the perfect retort to be a drop-ready, and could almost effortlessly defuse Danny, make him laugh at himself or get pissed off until he quiet. It was a miraculous thing. A lot of people don't go back to that in Prolissio 2007 and listen to it. I'm apparently remastering it. It's actually amazing. It's some of Bald Bryan's finest work. Also, he had crazy, hilarious, one-liners, especially in 2007. 2006-2007 was when I was contacting him in my space to tell him like every single day, like I quote something he said because he was so funny. And then eventually he put me in his top eight for whatever that meant back in 2006. And it always be in my top eight as well. I love Bryan. And then in 2008, Danny Boniducci was gone, but someone, possibly at Danny's instruction, deleted all Bald Bryan's drops and sound effects from his board because somebody was clearly not happy about those drops. I went through that holiday season and found every single drop of origin source and chopped them out for him. But I don't think he knew how to add them to his replay 360 if he wasn't cutting them in real time. So no, the drops got added back even though I painstakingly found them all for him. In 2008, it became a show between Adam, Teresa, and Bryan. So Bryan was talking way more and doing drops simultaneously. And it was really a show between the three of them. It was quite amazing. That went all the way throughout 2008 and then for the first two months of 2009. Bryan got his diagnosis. Adam was starting the podcast. Bryan was on once a week with Teresa to recreate the ACS format until they went around about a little over a year until June of 2010. And that's when they switched back to the ACS format of the morning show. They were recording the evenings and then they were air the episode the next day. Roughly an hour and a half, two hours. Quite similar to how they did the morning show. With Bryan on every episode from episode 335 going forward. Bryan is one of Adam's most loyal and hardest working employees, sidekicks, colleagues in his broadcast history. Bryan has been there for so many stages of Adam's career for over 24 years. I have no Bryan for roughly 20 years as well. I go a bit over. Everyone loves Bryan. He changed Adam's career forever. And he's going to be forever remembered in the history of podcasting. One of the best drop guys in the history of radio. And one of the most interesting journeys of a guy starting as a phone screener ending up on air as a main cast member of a syndicate radio show. It's amazing. Then to go on to the early days of podcasting with the diagnosis of a brain tumor. Beat that brain tumor for so many years. Get married. Have a beautiful daughter. Make a documentary about your life and your life's journey. While Bryan's film documentary growth it premiered various film festivals. I think it won an award. And it's now doing screenings for the public. I think the first main screening is coming up. The details can be found. If you go to touch up the film vault. Growth is a hilarious documentary about cancer. Explores the healing power of laughter and asks how do you joke about cancer? Can you joke about cancer? And why should you joke about cancer? Before growth, Bryan wrote his book "Shrinkage." So hilarious, insightful look into his life, marriage, everything that happened to him. And including the tumor that tried to kill him. He also has an audio book he recorded himself. I think I'm going to listen to that thing about Bryan today. There's so many possible clips of Bryan to play because he's so wrapped up in the history of the show. You know, if you combine the old morning show that led to the podcast with the podcast episodes, he's on over to 3600 episodes on air performing with Adam. Dozens of live shows, if not over 100 across the country, across the globe, like he went everywhere. He was a huge intrinsic part of what the Adam Kerala show was and always will be. He's on the majority of episodes that exist. In terms of the podcast history, I thought it'd be really interesting to go back and listen to some of the very first episode he was on. He was on episode three along with Teresa Strosser, a short little recreation update on what's going on after the network flipped formats and their show was canceled because it no longer had talk radio of any kind. This is Adam Kerala show episode three from 2009. Check it out. Hello and welcome to Pluto foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. We're all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch anchor man, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean Girls. Sidebar. Titanic. I'm the key in the world. And so much more for showtime. Express nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. Hey chick of peas. Today's man here and I've brought some familiar friends to my home Teresa Strosser. Nice to be here. And of course, ball brine. Hello. We were. God do you sound okay. Mike check. Now do you feel naked without your drop? Yeah, I know. I would like to be playing drop right now. Because I'd like to hear, God are you gay? Really, you're like a madador with no cake. I know. Just ball. Just out to be gored in the center stage. So okay, so podcast time. Here's what's going on. Yes, I'm having a little party. And weezer is working as my engineer weezer. How's it sound to you? Because it's feeling a little. It's a little low. We're maxing everything out at. Shut that mic off for a second. The handheld? No, the other mic I'm pointing to. But you're holding. Thank you. That there. Now leave that off. I think that helped. Yeah, that helped. All right, so here's what's going on. A, thank you very much because as far as I can tell, where the number one podcast in America may be the world. And it's all because of you guys. And now we're up on iTunes. So there's no excuse and it should only get bigger and better. The numbers from the last couple of days were astronomical and the response was amazing. And again, it's all because of you who are the people within the sound of my voice. You made it all happen. You spread it out virally. You did your job and then some and for that, I'm grateful. Now in return, I'm not asking for anything. Just your ears. I want no money. There'll be no commercials. I'll not be getting paid. I'm getting paid by CBS. So actually, if I did get paid, I would be sort of in breach of contract and I don't even want to get paid. So this is all free and this is all for your enjoyment and all I ask from you for payment. It's just spread it around and let's grow the brand. So Teresa's here. Brian is here. Everyone is here tonight. Everyone from the Adam Corolla shows here because I'm having a little goodbye party. I brought everyone here. Game a little wine. I've had a couple glasses of wine. And we're here to enjoy. So let's get caught up. Teresa. Well, I cannot drink wine because as you know, I'm pregnant. And let me tell you, yeah, it's a person to drop off to go from, you know, a Xanax now and again. Right. Now and again. Right. Snorting Xanax now. That would be an again would be P.M. Free Basin Conopin. Right. And washing it down with a couple martinis to just nothing. Nothing. I couldn't imagine. Oh, it's brutal. I mean, the first thing when I found out I was pregnant, of course, was overjoyed. And then I had a list of drugs for the doctor to find out which ones I could and could not take. I mean, you can't take it. You can't even miss it. You can't even dye your goddamn hair. Oh, yeah. I would be like, I would do a thing with the doctor. I'd be like, look, he doesn't need to be an A student. You know, or she. You know what I mean? She's not going to cure cancer, AIDS. Let's just let work with me here. Look, I was a D student. I landed on my feet. Oh, what's the big, I mean, a couple of glasses of wine. Right. You start looking around on the internet. And if you look long and hard enough, you can find a source for anything. You don't think Winston Churchill's mom had a couple of pops. She's British. She's British. She probably had one of those four-foot cigarette extenders and a couple of brandy shots. Everything. As a matter of fact, her doctor probably told her to drink brandy when she had pain. Right. He turned out all right. He was whatever he was. Right. Prime minister. Oh, baby. Good enough. Yeah. Good. No. No show. Just don't research. Here's the point. Here's the point. You know you've arrived when you have a bunker. Yeah. Winston Churchill had a bunker. Say what you will about Hitler. He had a bunker. Right. And it's really like owning a sports franchise. It's really like say what you will. Maybe it's a renaval. Who cares? He owns the Nashville Predators. I mean, if you have a bunker, you've arrived in one one way shape or form or another. It's true. It's like owning an island. Yeah. And Churchill had a bunker and you got it. You got to give him that. And obviously his mom was probably a boozer's. Everyone was in the twenties or the turn of the century. Right. And it probably changed smoke too. And he landed on his face. They know all our parents did all that crap. I watch Mad Men. She gets pregnant and she's very nervous. So she smokes a cigarette. Has a drink and sits in the hair salon with a die on her head. Right. She's fine. It's fine. I really don't. I don't know. I mean, like I don't know if I could give up the red wine for nine months or just the general numbing of the senses. Yeah. It's hard. I mean, I didn't even drink that much. And I didn't think I'd miss it. But just seeing Brian's beer and his hand and your red wine in your hand is a little sipsy. It's all it would really take. And of course, I've never been more nervous because there's a lot of things to be nervous about. And no, you just have to walk through it. Oh, and is your doctor sick here yet? Uh, I'm like you're, you know, your doctor doctor, my, uh, my OBGYN. They should make the combo. Oh my god. Stop blaming your labia. One, stop crying. Yeah. It would be nice. How does your uterus feel? Course stretched out. Corderoid stirrups. You can sit down on a relax. Oh, that would be so nice. Well, I did. Um, I don't know if you guys will relate, but I went through my entire life without ever having a hemorrhoid. Yes. When you're pregnant. Yeah. So I woke up in the middle of the night. Now we can swear, right? Yeah, but you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're cutting deep into my spank bank. And I woke up in the middle of the night. And the spank bank. I'm going to have to go deep now. So I have to go back to high school. All of the naturalization. I ruined everything after 82. Oh my god. I woke up and I didn't know what was happening. Oh, no. I mean, the pain woke me up. But this is really uncomfortable. But I have no idea what's, a lot of the things happening in my body. I don't understand. So I'd wake up my husband. Okay. And say, baby, have you ever had a hemorrhoid? He's like, he's scared because I'm waking him up. I want somebody to record that as a drug. I was like, baby, baby, baby, baby, wake up. I'm like, baby, I'm going to have a hemorrhoid. Yes. Does it, does your butt kind of itch and hurt? Aren't you supposed to have those like further down the road? Two months in. Well, because you, this is so disgusting, but you can, I have this is go, baby. You can't. No, listen, except for the 300,000 people that download it today. You can't really poop because you, that's another thing that happens when you're pregnant. You get constipated. Oh, I really? Yeah. I went with my shoes with as much as one. So imagine you'd be moving a lot more. Just eating a lot of cheddar cheese and chocolate chip ice cream and just not going. I, I had a car bonkel on my hands. What? I swear to god. I've, I've had two in my life. As a matter of fact, one ray convinced me was a hemorrhoid and I spent nine bucks on preparation age and was, was, look, I didn't, I've, I've, I've had my own, I've been down Hershey highway and got lost before. I wish I could get that as a drop. It's just a wrong turn. We've all hit that coldest sound. Oh my god. We've hit the dead end of Hershey highway. It's Hershey ditched. It happened once. I think when I was 19 and then once again, actually, just a couple of weeks after I met Jimmy Kimmel, I had what is defined as a car bonkel on my ass, but I don't mean on the fleshy part of my ass. On the rectum. I, yeah, I mean, it almost did. I mean, on the business card of my ass hole like, if it had been, if it had been a centimeter to the right, it would have been in the hole itself and just floating and I could have farted it away, but it was all one centimeter out. Right. I could have, would have been dead not center, but I would have pooped talk for almost three years. Yeah. I had far here to resend on the studio. I, you know, Ray convinced me I had a hemorrhoid. I've never had a hemorrhoid in my life. It was this essentially the world's biggest zit. What? A pus cure or a cyst? Hemorrhoid. Look up car bonkel. No, it will not do that. It's one of those. Donnie. Come on, Google it. Here's the boss of me. It's sort of like gardening clogs. It's one of those, it sounds like what it is. Yes, on a monopoetic. Yes, it is. It is. So I had, so Ray, it was the most painful because when I would walk, my cheeks would swipe each other. Oh, no idea. No. And by the way, until your ass hole hurts, you have no idea that you take for granted how good your ass hole feels. It is the form of a hub in your universe. Your asshole is your hub. It really is. And you don't realize until the hub loses the grease or gets a bad spoke or gets a little dust in the bearings. You have no idea. This is, this is your life. So by the way, if you're sitting somewhere right now and your ass hole feels fine, you should take a moment and just thank your anus, thank your anus. Hold on, it's quiet. Okay, that's for your anus. Because your anus does a lot for you. Literally your center. I mean, it is your core. They talk about, you know, core training and Pilates and all this of your anus is your, it is your center. It's your sweet spot. I mean, it physically really is. If you measured from the crown of your head, your anus and then from your anus to your heels, it probably would be and right to left and up and down and dangling. It's literally your center or physical and spiritual core. Yes, and when your core is fucked up, it you will walk, pull to the right and walk in a circle. Yeah. And my, why is that? I'm doing last in the front room. My carb uncle is chasing his tail. He's putting a hole in the carpet. My carb uncle was so jacked up that I actually had to call in sick to work. Now I worked as a boxing instructor so I needed my anus. Of course. I had the mouthpiece in the headgear and the whole anus stuff, but a revolutionary defense. I was in, and so Ray, you know, Dr. Ray, calling Dr. Old Hoffa for the love of Christ. He'd convinced me. I had no doctor. I had no. Just imagining his bedside manner. I had no insurance. I had no, I couldn't, there's no doctor. I could see. And if there was, I probably would have been to embarrass me. I'm just picturing and needle and sterilizing it, but sticking it in the lighter. Oh, holding it over can only. So I, I did the preparation age thing for like three days. That's not going to work on it. Just made it worse and it kept growing and it kept getting worse. And I had to do a thing and thank God he didn't drink tonight. He, because you would vomit right in your life. Hold on. I, I was living in a house in La Crescenta with a couple of roommates. One of them Ralph from K Rock right now. And I, now here's a problem with your anus. You can't unscrew it and put it in a bench vice and work on it. No, you There's no that sounds like a challenge You can't get to it. I mean, I've had problems with appendages and you can get to those. Absolutely. In fact, if you have a girly part, you can even sort of get to that. If you need to see it, you can get like a light and a compact and you can see it. You can't see the back. Cannot find the anus with a train dog could not find my anus. So I had to, you better off sniffing out dynamite at the airport and getting that detail. As a schnauzer, I had the mirrored sliding closet doors with the bad 70s oak around it in my crappy lockersenta freezing house right the smallest bedroom in the house. And I had to drop my pants, get totally naked, get both feet up against the mirror, the mirror thing, take a flashlight, bounce it off of the mirror into my anus. So I could see from the reflection of the mirror what was going on. A lot of people hypothesized that this is how the Egyptians got light down to the center of the pyramid. A series of mirrors. If you think about it, that's how I got the light to my anus. So I was lying there, you know, holding. And by the way, if my mom or dad had walked in during this, it'd be like, what happened? This is the scene of that kind of roommate walks in. He's trying to suck his cock and he's using a flashlight. I wish I was. I wish it was that innocent. If only to watch himself suck his own dick in the mirror with the aid of a fly. I think he's putting a flashlight up his ass while he's sucking his own cock against the mirror. Like they would have no fucking idea what was going on. I had my feet up. Like I was in stirs up against the mirror. I was bouncing the light off of the mirror onto the anus. And I thought, I thought this is it, is it? And now I had to lance it. I had to lance it because you could tell from your the light that hit it that you definitely needed land. I had I had given it enough preparation each day to realize that Dr. Ray may have been off on this one. And that it was in fact the carbonyl. We got a very sunny carbonyl, which I received 10 years earlier when I was at 19 years of age or maybe 11. So I sort of felt familiar. And it was brutally painful. And I basically hit it with a pin. And by the way, it's tough with the pin. Anyone has ever driven a trailer and tried to back out of a driveway. That using the mirrors, that's going to be like right it's left and left. It's right. You know, you're backing up. You have to turn everything is backwards. And you need light. And that's a very dark place. Holding the flashlight, spreading the cheeks. Oh, and plus the sock hangs over the area you want to get into. Rone over the shoulder. Yeah. Absolutely. Like Santa Claus because it's right. Toss that thing. I dressed to the right. By the way, I tossed it right over my right shoulder. That was out of harm's way. Now I'm going, Donnie, now what's that feedback? Do you hear that? Yeah, I do. My phone's off. Everyone here is somebody's cell phone. Uh oh. Coffee. No, because it's done it every night. All right. So I'm laying down. When you're in the middle of a good, lancing carbonyl story. Uh oh. There goes again. I'm laying down. I'm bouncing the light off the mirror onto the back of my anus. And I'm trying to go at it with this pin, hand shaking, hand shaking, trying not to stab myself in the ball sack. Essentially, I hit this thing and it went off like Mount St. Ellen's. And I mean, it looked like what I imagine the worst skateboarder ever would look like. I mean, it was just, it just kept going. It was brutal. But when I was done, I popped up. And you know, like when you have a flu, you're vomiting, you're down for a few days. And there's that very slow climb back to normal. Yeah. It's been 12 hours. I got some gatorade in me and I'm starting to feel better. I'm not going to play any pickup hoops. I'm going to watch the bill. This was right. I was trying to walk. You know, this was I popped up. I made a fist and from, from Tommy from the musical Tommy. I'm free started playing. Don't you wish you could play that. I was running down the street jumping up and down. There was no running ascension like a trail of pus behind you. Like the loan in Rocky in a full sprint. You know, people like I, like I went from zero to a million. Like I was like, I cannot walk without dragging my right leg to I'm up on my feet. I'm high-fiving anything. Cabinet doors. I'm high-fiving anything that moves in the house. I'm high-fiving. It's the greatest day of my life. It immediately went all the poison drained out of me. And I remember meeting Kimmel at El Torrito for lunch. Oh, so you're in radio at that point. I just, just broke into radio and just barely met Jimmy. I had known him long enough to share with him the story of the Carbuncle. I talked literally. I talked with my ass off. Jimmy loves ass over a little mule. Love Sam went for the grand day gringo special with all three, you know, the burrito, the chimichunga and the whole thing. Aided El Torrito had like a two-for-one coupon or something. I'll never forget that day. And I remember living love sort of sitting down. And the whole thing about ass. Do you still have those good ones? The only thing I can belch and wave it your way. If you love life, you're hungry. The only thing about the ass-related stuff is zero sympathy. Never has there been more pain for less sympathy. Because that's what we're all looking for, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not like you had a kidney stone or something. Oh, yeah, that hurts. Sorry. Ass-related. Yeah. Like at the top of the list is wounded in Iraq. Right. There's no way. Look around there is a cancer. No disrespect to any of the brothers fighting over there, but whatever you've had was not as painful as my. I don't wish if you stepped on a bouncing bed here. Right. IED. This is not what I went through. So you had a hemorrhoid. I should get a brown heart. Yeah. Oh, hemorrhoid. You don't get a lot of sympathy. No ass sympathy. And a hemorrhoid is really just a punchline. It's not something that people see as a painful medical condition. I heard that a good bed is coming up with things that not the sound that they are, but diseases are conditions that don't carry the sympathy with the vision. Hemorrhoid and alcohol stones and things like that exquisitely painful people sort of laugh anything to do with the penis or the urethra. Right. No long-term harm. Right. One time Jimmy's urethra started to shrink. Oh, no. I could barely get seeming out of it. It took a lot of extra work. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That may have been what happened to my asshole. I don't know. That was around the same time. I'm surprised. I got a carpal tunnel. You make it on that thing. No. His urethra shrank and he couldn't pee. And it's like, you'll die if you can't pee. Yeah, it's hilarious. When people are laughing, they're ass off. When they're done laughing, they'll be, they'll be mourning at your funeral. And he had to go to, I think Dr. Drew who essentially had to put same needle that was in your carbuncle. Kabab skewers. Right. And essentially yoke out his urethra, which is bad. Shrunk in your urethra though. Awesome name for a punk band. I like that. It's totally different. Shrunk in your urethra. Opening for carbuncle. Carbuncle. Carbuncle. Explosive. Yeah. The ass stuff, the urethra stuff, and also everybody has a cure all and you're to blame. Like, if you get cancer, you get cancer. If you have a hemorrhoids, like, sweetie, you're not eating enough fiber. What did I tell you about, what I tell you about pushing? What I tell you about tension, what I tell you about, what I tell you about the prescription, whatever, the victim. Don't blame the victim. Right. That's, that's what it is. This is, this is essentially the equivalent of your rape. Why are we wearing the mini skirt? This is the ass hole. Yes, your ass hole is being raped. Yeah, if your, if your ass hole wasn't out taking pike and, and, and mixing with guys, your ass hole didn't know well. And, and, and, and eating the red velvet cake, then maybe your ass hole wouldn't need an ass hole kit right now. Parents, maybe your ass hole should have laid away from the saltine to eat in the high fiber. Well, I don't even know. It's another salt lecture. Yeah. Oh, man, I miss this. Don't you guys? This is fun. Yeah, except for the part where it's dark outside for the, for the good reasons. Right. It's late at night, not early in the morning. Yeah, it's real dark. What I know. It hasn't woken up. All it's reason you're, I, I still my morning schedule. Just been waking it. Well, first at 430 and then today it's six. Oh, really? I'm over that, I'm over whatever schedule I was ever on in a second, by the way. And here, let me, I'll be honest for a second. I don't know if you guys have this serial killer gene that I have. Today, and yesterday, by the way, and I've been busy, and we've been doing this CBS pilot. And, by the way, looking to get ball brine involved with that. And, and many of the other players here on the Adam Corolla show, especially the folks that don't have contracts to see them through the end of the year, and the people that live in paycheck to paycheck. And, and granted, I've been distracted. And I've been doing movie pitches and all kinds of great and exciting stuff. But I, and this is part of the problem. It's a good thing as a human being. And a, and a bad thing as a husband a father and a son and all that. It's as if I'd never ever done it before. I literally, it is not the podcast, it is literally two days in. And it's over. And it's completely over, completely in the rear view mirror. And I don't even, as I never did it before. I have a similar feeling. I went to the gym and a couple people I didn't know came up and they said, I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm so sad. I feel terrible. I miss you guys. What are they talking about? I know it's uncomfortable, but it's going to probably go away. If I eat more fiber and don't push. Yes, you have that feeling. Yes, completely. And is that a great thing about being a human being in Bulbrind? Do you have that feeling? A little bit more so. The days are sort of long without anything to do. I mean, now see you guys got movie pitches and TV guide channel stuff. When you're sort of waiting for the next thing to come around, the day seems kind of long. What I do is I miss my nap. Yes. I spend hours online looking for various genetic disorders my baby could have. They're all awesome. And, and then, well, maybe it'll come out. That's a hit about it on it. No, it comes out another hole. That's right. Yeah. The, also, and, and again, it's what makes me a robot and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's simultaneously the best quality you could wish your young, unborn child has and the worst. Because it, you move on immediately. And it's bigger and better and on to the next thing. And you don't look back and you don't sort of shed a tear and live in the past and all that kind of stuff. On the other hand, it sort of makes you an emotional robot. Yeah. But you should really be wondering. I agree with you and grieving the past and feeling all the feelings that come along with loss and pain and all that kind of stuff. I guess I have a smaller version of that, which is like, I wanted very badly at the time. Like last Thursday and Friday to reply to all the MySpace messages and all the emails I'd gotten. But if you people are listening, by the way, I really wanted, had all intentions to reply to the messages. I, hey, thanks a lot. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it. But once it comes like, you know, today, Monday, Tuesday and on and on, you're like, you're working on the next thing. You're kind of got wrapped up in whatever is on the horizon, whatever is next. I think I would have dwelled a lot more if I wasn't pregnant. That has really helped in terms of going to the United States. Yeah. It's just that everything I hoped, I mean, it puts things like that in perspective. But I did have kind of a little emotional moment where I thought about the past three years and how, you know, I've started out. I was single and I couldn't meet anybody. Then I met somebody and I got married. And I'm pregnant and Brian. This is, you know, engaged and going to be married soon. You have a partner for us. And your twins are just the gorgeous and they're running around here. And I felt like this incredible, just sweeping, saturating sense of gratitude. And I thought, I want to call Adam and tell him that I'll come and do his podcast any time he wants me to be there. Well, it was a weird thing. I just had an impulse and it was a radio impulse to reset. I was going to say right my house and Brian and Teresa here and we're having a goodbye party. And by the way, downstairs or producer Angie and pre-op board up bill and Mike Choffee and Dawson and Lynch and all the people. Everybody in here actually. Yeah, everybody associated with the shows out there drinking my booze, by the way. And enjoying my Mediterranean food. But one of the beauties of the podcast is we don't need to reset. Nobody tuned in. Right. Halfway into this. And the only people that are listening are people that are tuned in by the way. And a lot of people have talked about, you know, lamented the demise of the show and the radio station in L.A. But then all the affiliates as well. But, you know, it sounds cliche, but you know, one door closes and another one opens. I've found a lot of people and I know 300,000 of you can't be wrong. I think this is the way of the future. I really do. And I think the big, big buildings and the big parking structures and the security guards and the goddamn jack silvers of the world. I think these are all dinosaurs. I really do. I think it's the internet. I think the community brought in on our last day. You don't feel that he's on the cutting edge. I don't understand. I feel like Rick D's must have shitted that thing out in 1987. That hit Rick D's is carbunkle on the way out. Yes. Our program director Jack Silvers final farewell production piece. I think about set it all in terms of his comedic sensibilities versus our out. Nobody in the room is going to get this. But as they say on project runway, I'm concerned about the taste level. That is not cheap. That is not cheap. It looks cheap. I was just looking at Mike Dawson and Mike Lynch sitting outside the studio waiting to come in and say their piece to their final farewell. Something poignant like, hey guys, it's been awesome. And here's Jack Silvers comedy bit. That was 20 minutes long. And 20 minutes would have been the funniest thing I'd ever heard my life if I didn't think he was serious. It could have been more. Ironically, it could have been the funniest thing on the plan. It could have. Some kind of Andy Hoffman could have crushed final tap. Right. And he didn't believe in it wholeheartedly and wasn't actually slapping his knee. Actually attempting to be funny. And this is a guy who's been telling me to keep it concise and keep it short and hurry to long. And that piece was just locked out in from the like 70s. And it's a definite Rick D's rip off. And it's just sensibly. I mean, as I was hearing it, it actually brought some nice closure for me because I was listening to it thinking, yes, this is why we're going off the air. That's right. The guy who hates Dana Gould and loves this shit. This is exactly why we're going off the air. But the great news is we don't have to deal with Jack Silvers anymore. And we don't have to deal with CBS anymore. We don't have to deal with the big high rise building anymore. It's just this. It's our community. And we don't have to deal with borders or boundaries anymore. It's everyone around the world. Everyone is speaking English. Everyone with a couple of brain cells are up together. And listen to this show and they can do it free of charge. And I feel guilty tearing you guys away from your loved ones and the party. They're very sick of us. And Molly and the wine and tea. I have a little shot of the vino. It's not going to kill you. Well, I thought that too, but apparently it's they mean it. It's a cup of wine, by the way, like a doctor can't you can't give an inch. Here's why I trust my doctor. Have a glass. My doctor, I said, when I first got pregnant, I was just incredibly really, really nervous because the baby didn't even have a heartbeat yet. I was just terrified. And I mean, I don't smoke, but I smoke maybe two cigarettes a day. I guess that's smoking. Which I've been doing. I mean, what I've been doing since I was 14. Oh, no, listen, listen. This is one of those things though. You bring up a very good point. Let me talk about my asshole for no. No, this is what doctors. This is what doctors do. Here's the problem. Here's a problem in our society as a whole. When you say everything is a 10 for doctors, no threes. So if you say to your doctor, they go, do you smoke or don't you smoke? And you go, well, I smoke a couple. I smoke maybe two, three. Okay. So you're a smoker. And you go, no, I'm not a smoker because I know guys who smoke three packs a day. That's 60 cigarettes a day. I smoke three cigarettes a day. You're a smoker. Let's just go ahead and check. I'm lying. We're gonna check the box. It says smoker. And again, they think you're lying or B, they don't have any in between. So they just check the box. And there's no like. So we live in a society of absolutes, which is no drinking. We all know because for thousands of years, people drank either wine or the equivalent to wine while they were praying and probably more so when they're praying because like I said, back in the day, if you got shot, they gave you a brandy. If you got stabbed, they gave you a brandy. And if you're any kind of pain at all, they gave you brandy. God knows how much brandy was given hell. We'd give the kids brandy. Yeah, it's so good. My parents give them a hot toddy in whiskey and let the kids suck on it when it was teaving. I mean, God knows how much that was so obviously drinking a glass of wine a night is not going to do shit. Obviously, it's not, but but a bottle of wine or case of wine may do shit because we're in an all or nothing universe now. There's no such thing as three cigarettes. There's a pack a day or not smoking. My doctor said, and I've done the research on it. And of course, smoking is dose related. So while it's not good to smoke and I wouldn't advise smoking, three cigarettes is not as bad as three packs of cigarettes. That's obvious. And, you know, so I said, I said to my doctor, I smoke a couple a day. And I guess I should never smoke again. I mean, I should have. I can't ever. And he said, look, he sized me up immediately. He said, I don't want you to stress out. It would be worse for you to stress out. And he like, if you need to smoke that one, it was going to stress you out so much, not smoke that one cigarette, just just smoke the one cigarette. Wow. And that's how I know that he's not bullshitting alcohol. Cool. Cool. He said alcohol is not the same. You don't know what sip of alcohol is going to affect the fetus. It's people. It was delivered. Yeah. And so he just said, uh, just no alcohol. That is the fact that he said, go ahead and smoke a cigarette, but stay away from the booze does suggest that he's for real. Yeah. You do feel like a real asshole speaking of assholes when you're sitting there pregnant. And you're just taking a drag off your husband's cigarette because he's the same as me. He's just smoked one or two, but I'm again, I'm quitting. So I'm down to just a few puffs off his. But no, I work on this to work on this. What's it to you? It's not your kid. Yeah. It's gonna look really bad. And I'm really sure I just suck in dragging off a cigarette. I know it's not good. Doc said it was cool. But I'm doing my best. Well, like I said, maybe generically or genetically, we were inferior because all the smoking and drinking that went on 50 years ago. But I feel like we were stronger breed. Yeah. I mean, okay. So we'd heard ourselves a little bit by smoking mom, smoking mom, drinking or whatever. But this is the - Greatest yet. generation of all the time. I mean, this is the generation that stormed Normandy for the love of Christ. How many pussies right now who are listening to us via iPod would storm a beach in France? Not without the Purell. That's right. That's that's the God damn point. So I don't know if we hurt them genetically by Smoking or their mom smoking or whatever, but I'll tell you it didn't hurt their character much and maybe Being the smartest, sharpest, most put together sort of with the Greatest opportunities of all genetically. Maybe not maybe that doesn't have anything to do with character Maybe character is the most important thing. I mean, maybe your IQ isn't the most important thing and your test scores Isn't the most important thing? Maybe there's something more to that that booze in nicotine can affect right? Yeah, the soul all right the soul So I think the booze is bad for the fetus bad for the fetus mind, but good for the fetus soul Either way, let's go. All right. I'm out. I'm out of booze. So we got to wrap this thing up Do you guys have anything you want to say by the way because we'll have you on periodically, but it might be a little while I'd love to come back. I'll bring you a bottle of wine. We'll share it. All right Anything you want to say to the people. Thank you for all your email messages If you want to say hi to me, go to say I'll go to a high brion.com. All right, I think I've said enough You don't want to talk about your ass. I'm sorry this ever happened. All right, thank you for listening We'll be back again tomorrow. I think damn a check and Bill Simmons are gonna be in as well And as you guys continue to make this the number one podcast in America We will grow it. I was planning on just sitting here and talking to my pre-pues and a bike is plant But I had no idea that it was going to be this popular It's really really impressive and amazing. So yes, and it's it has nothing to do with me It has everything to do with you guys who have picked it up and ran with it and spread it around virally and shown the man what he can do with his radio station So God bless you keep the fight going. We'll keep the pirate ship sailing and I'll see you tomorrow and until next time This is gonna feel weird this Adam Corolla for Teresa Strosser and bald Brian saying mahala All right, those Adam Corolla show episode three with Brian Bishop and Teresa Strosser come to him next We have Adam Corolla show episode 123 once again with Teresa and Brian from 2009. Hope you guys enjoy Always so nice to welcome back to the show Teresa Strosser and bald Brian. Good to see you too. Good to be here Good to see Tracy you picked up Brian on the way in this morning. Yeah, I'm not sure what's scarier for Brian His unoperable brain tumor or my driving coin toss And I know you know, it's pretty exotic for Brian to get to be in a Honda CRV. Oh People people must think the Pope's in town What is that bone stock CRV doing I'm a bulletproof glass. You were struck red down the road saying you beat the regular You're surviving or they do saying I survived Teresa Dren. Yeah, that's true If you're nice to me, I'll let you take a picture of leaning against my car. I'm wondering, you know There's a lot of people we're all guilty of it. We just announced we're bad at something like I do with typing I announce you know announced 20 years ago. Oh, I'm I'm bad at typing. I'm horrible at typing and no one goes Why don't you fucking get good at it? Right? Then you just go. Oh, yeah, so you don't type and I go yeah And then there's people to do that with driving there's people who are 23 who go I'm a horrible driver And then you run in that person when they're in their 60s and they're like yeah, I'm horrible It's funny because I use the hunt and peck method of driving Yeah, but why doesn't somebody go look to improve? Yeah 450 bucks and a quick weekend you could go down to one of those driving schools and they could actually teach you how to get your car to a full slide and control it and You could be Mario and Dreadian one weekend or have 50 years of just announcing different when you're a horrible driver Well, everything about me is antithetical to good driving. I have terrible hand-eye. I've slow reflexes. I'm easily distracted What else and now because I'm so pregnant I can't really turn so I can't exactly look behind me when I'm changing lanes and most people I find that are bad drivers are Sort of emotional drivers when they get upset They drive a little faster when they're tired. They drive slower like there's a There's a distraction level. I find with most people that that are bad drivers They're not multi-taskers. I guess what you're saying what you're asking the person to do is Drive use part of your brain to drive and operate this vehicle safely and nor quickly or Efficiently and then use a separate part of your brain to have a conversation with whoever's in the passenger seat and most of people I know who are bad drivers Eventually the part of their brain that's supposed to be set aside for operating the car starts bleeding into the Conversational part of their brain so they start getting out of it I can see there's driving too slow or they're not really paying attention because they're having a conversation So maybe the best drivers are the people that can just put a wall Between the part of the brain that needs to drive and the part of the brain that needs to yell at their spouse on their cell phone You are so right and when I driving brain here. I had precious cargo. So I was really careful I was like I This walker and I was like I can't get upset. I get to be like really cautious. I got to be attuned to all the drivers around me But and then you're on the phone the greatest The greatest compliment Payed to me although not a surprise to anyone who knows me Was when I used to do the show and still do periodically and did just recently the test drive show with the Trans Am Champion driver Tommy Kendall and we would go out to the big track I'd be driving a I was driving a station wagon a magnum Dodge Magnum station wagon and I was trying to follow him around this track at 135 miles an hour half the time and this thing was getting loose and sideways And he's mic'd up and I'm mic'd up and at a certain point my car's out of control I'm sliding sideways and I'm this and that and he said to me I've done this show with professional drivers and celebrities and everyone in between you're the only guy who doesn't Stop talking when the car gets loose most people you can tell they're talking in the straightaway But once they get in the corner and the thing starts breaking loose They like they climb up while they try to straighten the car out and I said well me talking has nothing to do with the Suspension of this car. Yes, you can separate there was one incident when I think I was a teenager maybe maybe 18 and I was with my dad and my brother we were driving from San Francisco to LA which we did a lot But they were letting me drive and I can't remember what set me off But I was behind the wheel on the freeway and I was crying. I think maybe they had they had forgotten my birthday Because you know I was with my dad. That's what it was because I think we talk then we talk about this and I could not on the podcast I couldn't stop crying and I had no idea that I'd been going 45 miles an hour right for you know, maybe Maybe an hour until they suggested that I pull over and one of them drive But I didn't make the connection, but I I was so overwhelmed that whatever they I think they had forgotten my birthday You're driving brain and I think in general women have trouble putting that divider between the two sides of their brain You know, you know, I mean this is why you want to adopt every Every homeless kitten must find a home in your house. Where's the guys going like practically? The practicals the driving side and then there's the emotional side But speaking of brains Ball brine. Yeah, how's your tumor doing? How's the treatment? Oh, nothing well good bad. I mean, I am I had a drug blood drawing yesterday and I go in tomorrow to get the results Yeah, the chemo's going Symptom wise, I feel worse than I did two months ago. It was weird, but that's a good thing I said that this to the radiation is working You know, it continues to continue to work. So in some way that or some was worse, but I can complain We talked about on the way over on in the short term. It's kind of awful because the symptoms are pronounced And it's just kind of hard to function, but it is using a walker Yeah, in a long term the fact that his brain is swollen means that the radiation is continuing to work, which is good Right, and we're continuing to work on the benefit show that will do a podcast when we also do a live benefit show with Comedians at a venue and so on and so forth cool for those who want to come contribute to the cause Either via listening to the podcast and contributing or coming out to the live show. All right. Let me ask you guys this question Are people getting dumber? I know I I bring this up all the time, but I was talking to Roberto Roberto Donnie knows Roberto well. He's a cute little guy. He plays a lot of soccer He's from some part of Mexico. I can't remember well Assault to the earth Nice guy 45 years old. He's working over at my house today I'm cleaning out my garage and I'm trying to separate. I got a couple new big toolboxes and I'm trying to separate metric Sockets from standard sockets and you don't have to be a gear head to know the difference because the metric socket says 13 on the side of it, whereas the standard socket says 3/4 or 7/8 or 15/16 so whatever it's all fractions versus basically the metric stuff will be 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 but it'll just have a whole number stamped on the side of the socket and it's pretty easy to read these days because they do this laser etching where you can just you just see a big nine on the side of a socket and you know it's metric so you do that thing where you go hey Roberto metric sockets in this toolbox standard sockets in this toolbox and he does the standard thing of gotcha boss which is a weird thing that people do to me all the time like like I'm gonna say I didn't say to them metric in this toolbox standard in this toolbox now I'm gonna go upstairs draw bath and have a massive coronary and never come down again I never say that part so they know they don't they don't know what I'm talking about which which becomes abundantly evident when I come back down three hours later but at the time they go gotcha no problem no problem and then you go into the drawer and you find the three quarters and the seven eights with the 14s and the 9s and I say Roberto yeah why you why you put the metric with the standard and he says I don't know and I say but metric in standard you know that one right he's like no and I said wait a minute now you're from Mexico I'm guessing you guys are metric but there's also a lot of standard wrench in going on in Mexico too because you have a lot of Ford trucks and that kind of stuff but this isn't one of those cultural things you guys in Mexico are using you're using craftsman tools and snap-on tools and you have three-quarter inch sockets and you have nine millimeter sockets and the guys 45 years old and it's not like he's a gay publicist not like well well when I was in Mexico I worked as a publicist all those years and then I came over here and decided hang drywall like that's all he does he's you know I'm sure when his car would break down he'd be the guy to get the wrench to fix it so I said Roberto metric or standard you know no no I said all right hold on a second I went I got a I got a three-quarter metric socket and and again it's it's etched on it just says three-quarter he's big and bold and I got a 16 millimeter one just had a big 16 big and bold and I handed it to him and I said now which one's metric and which one's American or standard he he flipped them over and he looked at both the holes that they went into which is always going to be either a quarter inch three-eighths or half inch that's not the place to look and he said I don't know they're both the same and I said but look at the number Roberto and he looked at and he said I don't know then he turned it over the other way and he looked at the opening where that where the nut would go and he said aha and he held up the bigger one he said this is metric and I said no it's got it's not to do with the size of the opening and he said I don't know you're 45 years old that they have this in your country I know they have this in your you don't know you don't know one standard I have no idea so I basically I couldn't get into fractions with him I just said the one with two numbers the one that has the seven slash eight the seven eights or the 15 16s or whatever that standard if you just see the one number in the middle like the nine that's metric and then I just walked away shaking my head thinking what am I missing what am I missing in life well obviously I have a huge breadth of experience with employees of mine you don't know the difference between standard and metric when they're dividing all the air it's all she talks about I never shut up about it and you know what I do it's like god we've heard that one before like what about you crying in the car shut up no I what I would what I do in this case as I often tell you is I demonstrate for that worker by putting one of the metric in one pile and the standard and the other that would seem to work until you come down two hours later and find them all grouped together I know I think that's everyone's fantasy he'll never return to this workplace ever again all right this Adam Krillus show episode 123 coming up next we have Adam Krillus show 133 again with Theresa and Brian also from 2009 this one's from August oh oh oh Riley auto parts yeah they're in the business keep your car in the road you know that they're off our friendly helpful service and the parts knowledge you need to maintain and repair your car I got race cars race cars are funny they're high performance but they're simple so you can work on a lot of the stuff yourself and that's why I always go to a Riley they've got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in store or online so you never have to worry if you're in a jam their team can test your battery for free in or out of the car so if it needs to be replaced they'll help you find the right one and if you need windshield wipers replaced break light fixed or quick service they've got you covered as well I've come in there scrambling before and been astonished and how friendly and helpful everyone is there and they know their stuff they've even held the door for me last time I said the one in Glendale the professional parts people the Riley auto parts are your one-stop shop for all things auto do it yourself and you can find what you need either in store or online it's a Riley right Dawson stop by O Riley auto parts today or visit them at orilyauto.com/atom that's orilyauto.com/atom hello and welcome to Pluto fo if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see just stream it for free on Pluto TV we're all your bloodbuster favorites are landing all summer long catch anchor man the legend of Ron burgundy fantastic the matrix trilogy welcome to the real world mean girls so I'm trying to get in the way and so much more for showtime's press nothing they're free 24/7 that is so effective on Pluto TV stream now pay never we have Theresa Strasser doing doing the news bald brine is here to give us an update and hang with us and jump in on the news and before we get to the news let's just see how everyone's health is brine how you feeling actually pretty good this week last week was a key one week so actually did a five-day worth of pills 400 milligrams a day of chemotherapy and it was tough man it was maybe sleepy and tired and all those things and I feel better I thought it was Friday so I've been off pills since Friday and feel better good now I don't know if you heard about it but I kind of got into it with engineer Anderson doing love line last week if you caught wind of that horrible argument I had with him on the air what happened well what happened was I was giving out your website thank you by the way thank you because the letters are very generous and you mean an inconvenient tumor dot com no hi brine dot com yes both BRY why as in why that's how I spell it BRY AN that was big 78 and I was giving your your website out and Anderson kept interrupting and then he kept calling you a brown nose or and basically said your world class ask kisser and then would would would kept set then kept saying that he you owed him a hundred and fifty dollars every time I would give the website out and say please give generously and then a certain point I'd reach my saturation level and so we just started arguing on the air for about fifteen minutes and then eventually yeah David Allen Greer eventually got up and laugh really yeah in the middle of show well not the middle of the show in the middle of the argument which was toward the end of the show I couldn't figure out why this guy was arguing with me when I was trying to give out your website and raise some money and I couldn't I couldn't stand the label of a brown nozer for a Brian Bishop I look at you as anything but a brown nozer I feel like enough I don't disagree with you over the years I would say on the air and off the air I don't let's you know take music for example I don't think I've ever gotten you to come around on any of my musical proclamations and yes even if you don't value that true the point is before I dismiss them I respect them briefly I kept saying he's not a brown nozer he argues with me about quite a few things quite a quite right off it and I did not like the idea that he was labeling you a brown knowser but I was also I was really just angry that he was arguing with me when I was trying to give out your catch the website. Yeah, it seems really douchey especially because I thought you guys were friends. I say full disclosure answer and I are good friends. We actually went out on Friday and saw district 9 on up in the day. How was it? He was better than I did. I thought it was only okay, you have to be modest. Well, you're such a brown knowser you would disagree with, I mean, I'll wait a minute. So but generally good but yes, you guys are friends. So I'm not sure why he just kept calling you when I asked him to ask you. That is in love to aggravate. Yes. It's a potster. Yes. Yes. I'd like someone to hit him with a fucking pot on his fucking head, it's driving me nuts. I've got to be a brown knowser than a potster. Well, also just this idea and again, I maybe it's a sore subject for me but I just can't stand that, you know, well, if you disagree with Adam, you're out. Which of course, my answer to that with Anderson is you would have fucking been fired the first fucking five minutes I fucking met you, you asshole. So of course, you don't have to kiss my ass because you're living proof. I mean, well, he's in love with my long-term employee. He's been there for 10 years and I would have fired him the first fucking week. I worked with him because he's such a douche. So of course, you don't need to kiss my ass. You're sitting here. You're proof positive. You don't need to kiss my ass. And by the way, nobody in that entire building ever kissed me or Drew's ass for the entire 11 years I was there. Just an identity. Anderson and I are very very polar off the people and I think Michelle is very positive and fun loving. Anderson is angry and likes to be a shitster. He's a button pusher, too. Yeah. And I think he would mistake Brian that the whole thing is, is a love line for all those years was not very professional and thus, you know, as I've told you many times, you would, you know, I would have my hash settled by the phone screener. I would have junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior producer, Lauren coming in and insulting me and basically everyone there should have been fired a thousand times and Brian was sort of the only one who actually just was sort of courteous and thus maybe got labeled, got labeled with the ask his or so. So then he told me, you were fired from love line, which I forgot about. I said, Brian was fired from a love line. My time had to come and knew I was asked, I'll leave. Why were you asked to leave? I was actually on my way out anyway at the time, sort of the time that it expired. But I was asked to write a blog by a fan and just sort of detailing going on in background. And I was detailing on the background and I was complaining about, drooled out of them and the producers. And then one day they were like, one day they were like, you can't write this anymore. Maybe you're timeless. Come on, well, wait a second, wait a second now, you see now I should have used this for that douchebag Anderson, which is he said you got fired for writing shit about Drew. What did you write about Adam? Oh, yeah. Both. Right. Obviously that asshole conveniently left out the part where you're writing shit about me because it would have crapped all over his ass kissing. Yeah, if you looked at it now, it was very tame, very tame. I'm sure, but that whole idea that he's saying you're a brown-nose and then saying you got fired from love line. So how good an employee could you've been, but you got fired from love line for writing shit about me, the guy you're supposed to be brown-nosing nullifies your brown-nose argument, right? All I know is this is very upsetting because Adam, I've rarely seen you as upset because I saw you the next day after this battle with Anderson and before we sat down to do the podcast, I asked how you were doing and you said, "I'm emotionally drained." And then I thought, "I don't know this Anderson, but now I don't like him." Well, I was drained because I really, I was, I wanted to send people to your website. I wanted to raise money for you and I just couldn't believe I was arguing with somebody about that process. The truth is, you're so strange, like I'm trying to give out this website so people can donate because he's fighting cancer. Anderson is obviously an asshole, but he's a liar and that's, that's the main thing. I don't mind him being an asshole, I have no problem with that. There's plenty of assholes out there, but he's lying and I guess the fact he conveniently left out the part where you're talking shit about me as well as Drew is the part that makes him a liar. Right, and that's unlike you. I can't imagine you blogging and thinking that no one was going to find it. I didn't give a shit by the way. It was sort of the time, because it was very innocuous, it was fairly innocuous. And B, it was a fan of the show that would you mind just running up behind his blog for, for my site? That's just. We just found it. The Loveline Companion, Brian's blog. Well, maybe we can read that. T, get up on your feet, I know you're 19 months pregnant. I'm in my sixth trimester. But let's see what Brian actually said to get him relieved. I'm sure a lot of lost ones. Oh, we never found it by the way, so it's not up there. Fairly innocuous. Oh, and you wrote a little goodbye, it's been an amazing and memorable three years. I've made lifelong friends, many incredibly cool celebrities and got to work alongside two of the most talented people, oh that is brown nosy. Two of the most talented people in the show, this is Adam and Chad. It's face man. Throughout it all, I always felt like a fan who just got lucky. That's really sweet. Alright, so you got. I didn't know you did Jew or Asian, that sounds fun. You got fired for talking shit about me and/or drew on a blog. Not sort of, I mean sort of. We should go back and read them because they're very innocent. But the point is is enough to someone to make a case to let you go. Adolfa is the bread-nosed argument. A bread-nosed argument. Right, alright. Well there you go. Oh wait a minute, maybe we do have it. Anderson, for that day, had a comeback from Cancer Camp. He volunteers. I know. He's a conundrum. He's a retarded Rubik's cube. He's a Rubik's cube of shit. He's twisted. Yes. Oh, this is interesting. See, you gave away a little bit of inside scoop here. Red letter day in Loveline history. Drew and Adam asked for a male collar. This is literally in bold. The first time I've been asked to get a male collar compared with dozens of times I've been asked, told, "No more guys tonight. This is usually utter 10 minutes into the show, by the way." That's interesting. Alright. Wow. Alright, you gave away an inside secret. I would have never fired you buddy. You know me. I realized that. You were too busy reading all those books. Yeah. Yeah. The square things with the pages. Alright. T-bone. Yeah. Let's hear some news. This is exciting. I'm glad you're here, Brian, because this is courtesy of Michael Inch, former Adam Carole show writer Michael Inch who sent this along. It could be one of the best definitely not adjuice ever. Wow. It's just that good. It's important. Okay. What happens when you're living in Florida? You're very hungry. You work at a restaurant. You're possibly on meth. I'll show you the lady's picture. She has kind of a meth face, but it's unclear what drug she's on. Sunk and she. Right. You know, kind of fried blonde hair. This woman, Luanne McKinley, she, Luanne McKinley of Stuart Florida was working at a Perkins restaurant, and she stole some bacon. And by some, I mean, three pounds, a co-worker, does not say, but I'm guessing cooked. Nevermind. You couldn't transport three pounds of cooked bacon, you need to stake bed truck. I mean, once it's cooked, it really doesn't weigh anything. I mean, you would need a palate jacket. Three pounds of cooked bacon is a barrel full of bacon. Yeah, it's a lot of bacon. It doesn't stack evenly either. No, this is good, because I'm a vegetarian, so I'm not good with the meat. Pre-cooking weight. Pre-cooking weight. Right. So, she takes the three pounds of bacon from the Perkins restaurant where she used to work. I imagine she's been let go. She stuffed it in her purse, and then a co-worker reported the theft. And the police tracked her down, they looked in her bag, sure enough, three pounds of bacon and drugs. Oh. So, now she faces charges on drug and theft. Journey. By the way, that's a gold mine for the canine dog. Oh, yeah. Normally, just smelling junkies and getting stabbed with syringes and sniffing out TNT at the other port. And finally, some got finally, somebody's put some fucking bacon in a purse. Usually, but yeah, it's a bunch of methamphetamines, like the stories that canine shepherd with tall, hello, as he was walking back into the kennel, hello, doing a thing with his paws where he was holding over his head, yes, what, hey, Bob, what were you sniffing today? a hobo's ass. Interesting. Let me tell you what I did. It's the bacon. Three pounds of bacon. And then there must be that conversation when they're bringing the bacon back to the, you know, they have to put it in the evidence room. And then there's the bad German chef. And he's like, what if that bacon got lost somewhere, mostly in here in the evidence room? Yeah. That's right. It's going to go bad. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's fine. And then the dog has a scheme where he needs the bacon. He's talking to his captain. He needs to take the bacon back out. How are we going to catch more junkies without bacon, Captain? That's how we catch them. You got to trust me, that bacon. And the captain does that thing. The captain's like a schnauzer. And the captain's like, listen, if that bacon, he's, oh, he's a black laugh. He's a fat black laugh. And he's like, listen to me. If so much there's one strip of that bacon is missing, when it comes back, it's going to be your ass. And then you're going on corpse duty. I'll lift your collar. That's right. You'll be snippin', you'll be snippin' out corpses in New Orleans. Leave your collar on the desk. I like how this went from a definitely not a Jew to a really decent animated movie. Yeah. So of course, he takes the bacon out. He sets up the deal. It's a Chihuahua who's the front man. And he loses the bacon and has to come back and deal with the huge fat black laugh. He's screaming, shut the door. He sets up the other partner. He's new younger partner. Wow. Two-and-a-half pounds of bacon. Two-and-a-half pounds. Oh, it was three pounds. Or maybe two pounds. So she steals the three pounds of bacon. Yeah. So then, you know, you know, street value on that's got to be, you know, 18, 20 bucks. And she's going to go home and, uh, listen, first off, maybe this was just a shut her husband up. Like, okay, you wanted me to bring home the, there's your fucking bacon. Is that enough for you? That says enough fucking bacon. You've been even yelling me to bring home the goddamn bacon since we've been married. Here's your goddamn bacon. I hope you choke on it. Maybe she was literally not on the word of the bacon. I would argue, if she has a decent attorney, let attorney would say, look, my client is high on drugs. And her husband yelled, you've got to start bringing home the bacon or I'll beat this. You know, so she was, she feared her life and she was, she was high. So she was a literalist and she literally brought home the bacon. Interesting. My client high on drugs. Right. Exactly. Sometimes that works. Or if you, you know, sometimes you get confused like after you make the cereal, you put the milk in the cabinet, you put the cereal in the refrigerator. I mean, if this one were high when she got home with the bacon and the math, she'd have accidentally, maybe what. By the way, they've foiled this plan because the following day she would have tried to get out there with 40 head of lettuce and then 1500 tomato to make the largest BLT. That was her dream. Her dream was to build the largest BLT in Florida and she was nipped in the bud. Well, I knew you'd be happy to know that things are just as fucked up in Florida as they've ever been. Yeah. All right. Well, it's been a couple days, but I thought it'd be worth discussing with you guys the new crop of stars on dancing with the stars. Oh, I've been out of a loop. Here's a phrase I never thought I would say, Dame Elizabeth Taylor has been tweeting, but she has. She has a favorite of the dance Liz Taylor. Yeah, she got a Dame. Yeah, I guess she's a Dame. Yeah. She's got a favorite of the new crop and her favorite is model Kathy Ireland. No, what? According to her Twitter feed, I'm so excited to see Kathy Ireland on dancing with the star. She is so beautiful. She added to watch her in movement will be a golden chance to see beauty and action in grace, which is what that lady is all about. Really? Yeah, she was a swimsuit model in the like 90s or 80s, 90s. As she did a football movie. She did a shitty football movie, a necessary roughness where she plays a kicker who wobbles up to the ball and barely strikes it with the right foot and then of course they cut to the ball sailing through the goal post. Yeah, 50, 50 yards. As far as I know, a horrible actress, and then I guess designs furniture or something, but I think it's one of the things where she just puts her name on an end table or something. Yeah, but either way, why the fuck is Liz Taylor pulling for? Very bizarre. Also taking to his Twitter feed is former Republican Congressman Tom Delay saying, I think you'll be impressed by my moves. Oh, he's dancing. So who's the roaster? Okay, you got Melissa Joan Hart, the actress Sabrina, exactly. As for the athlete. Never hot, by the way, on my list of never hot that people thought were hot. She's going to do very well in the Jenny Garth mode though because she's a mom and she had to lose the baby weight and then she's on the cover of people, Michael Irvin, former Dallas Cowboy, Ashley Hamilton. Who's that? Well, that's a good question. He is a yes, and he was married to Shannon Doherty briefly. Now they list him. He's likeable. And he lists him as actor. You're going to get pissed. Actor, singer, songwriter, comedian. Well, comedian and that we're making fun of his singing song, right? Yeah. I mean, when you're laughing at a guy's song, then that does kind of make you a comedian. And look, when everyone in McCabe's is burst out laughter after your acoustic set does kind of make you an comedian songwriter. If you inspire a laughter, you are there for him. You probably, he probably gets more laughs than a lot of, you know, open micers at Yuck Yuck. Absolutely. Debbie Maysar, who, you know, from Antourage. Sure. Aaron Carter, singer. Aaron Carter. Oh, Aaron Carter. Oh, that guy. He's a kid blonde kid. Yeah, he piss me off. Yeah, they're going to bring a bunch of what we do. Well, he nailed a lot of hot, young ass. And he made me mad. And I found him to be greasy and very Floridian. The whole carters, by the way, they're all that's everything that's wrong. I thought I bet they all have bacon in their purse. All the boy bands feel like they have bacon in their purse. And they'll start in Florida. And everything is very, and he's very greasy and he's just, it's like a zero. Louis Vito. Do you know who that guy is? He's a snowboarder. Oh, of course. Donnie Osmond. He's going to do very well. Yeah. You'll remember his sister was on. She fainted. The singer named Maya. And then someone we all know, Chuck Lidell. Wow. I thought he was so nice when he was on our show. Chuck's a nice guy, but Chuck's kind of a madman and Chuck likes to booze it up and party and hit it pretty good. So we shall definitely see. That'll be interesting because a guy, obviously an athlete, but will it transfer? We'll see. More of a striker than a grappler. That's all I remember. Why Chuck Lidell interviews? I would Chuck's going to be fun. And you know, the better list, the better list are the people who passed, right? They wanted a politician and obviously Tom Delay was not their first choice. I think Bill Clinton was their first choice. Oh, sure. Oh, they have a long listen. They'd rather have a Ted Kennedy. Dude, you're right. Also, Macy Gray. Oh, really? And swimmer Natalie Coughlin. Macy Gray, I love her voice. She seems nutty. Yep. You can see my little nutty. It's going to be interesting to see how that one works out. No one's as nutty as Mindy McCreedy. Love Mindy McCreedy. She's a country singer, right? Yeah, Brian's a big fan. We were always doing Mindy McCreedy stories and I thought, well, maybe we've heard the last of Mindy McCreedy. They're both big fans, but for every reason. I like your music and you love her. I like your lifestyle. Yeah. And we don't know if Brian's actually a fan of country music or he's just agreeing with me when I talk about how much I love country music. Brown knows him. Never stop talking about my love of country music and who knows what Brian really is. You'll be boss. You'll be. Well, let me just hit on a couple of Mindy McCreedy's highlights. Let's see. She was arrested and charged with attempted murder after beating and choked. Oh, no, that was her ex. He was arrested after beating and choking her. Oh, that's horrible. She was found unconscious in a hotel in Florida after attempting suicide. Florida. Yeah. Why would you try to kill yourself there? She was hospitalized for a drug overdose after washing down a large amount of undisclosed drugs with alcohol. Then she was pregnant with that guy who tried to kill her. She attempted to kill herself for a second time by overdosing on antidepressants. Then in 2008, paramedics were called to her home in Nashville after another suicide attempt. They transported to the hospital. Anyway, where does she end up? She ends up in celebrity rehab. Nice. That's a nice place. Well, now Brian, you say she's a good artist. She was. She had a strong debut album back in 1997. And then it all fell apart. So this is related, obviously. She does have a really good voice and obviously some soulfulness to put into her music. It was a one great album back in 1997. Yeah, I talked to Dr. Drew actually yesterday, an uncomfortable conversation with him marginally, about he said, he said, well, it is actually about to get more in contact. comfortable when I say this in front of you guys. He said, "Well, we gotta get together. We gotta go to dinner." I said, "I'm wide open. Whenever you guys wanna get together, we'll get together." I said, "How 'bout this Friday?" I said, "That's no good. That's Lenette's throwing her birthday party." And then there was a pause. And I said, "I'll see you there." And he said, "No, I was never invited." And I said, "Oh." And then I did the thing, the same thing I'm gonna do with you guys, which is, I farmed out everything. I just told her friends to just go and fight, whoever-- I've been invited. You wanna fight? Oh, really? Oh, good. I think, right? Of course. So a nice job, girls. Not fucking inviting Dr. Drew. Wow. There was an oversight. And then Drew said, "Well, maybe he got invited. Maybe it's his wife." And he was out of town on a cruise, so we'll figure it out. But it is-- Well, hopefully we'll see him on Friday. And I'm sure this was all a terrible oversight. I'm sure too. Because we'll have to quiz him about, OK, this-- Mimi McCready. Yeah. And he says this thing's unbelievable. Actually, he says the sex addict one is gonna be off the charts. Cannot wait for it. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, here's the latest. Eric Dane is an actor. You may know him. I think he's Mick Steeney on "Grey's." Yeah. And he's married to Rebecca Gayhart. Yeah. She's still right? Well, yeah. She's making it come back right now. Because this is a huge story. There's a sex tape. Oh, no. She's got-- yeah, I'm sorry, go ahead. She's got the same nickname, "Manny Pacquiao" does. Which is? It'd be too cruel for me to really explain that joke. So anyone is just doing the math on the chick from the noxima commercial and "Manny Pacquiao." That'll be one of that. It'll be our own quiet little joke that you can just go off and Google her and then Google "Manny Pacquiao's" nickname. Not Pac-Man, by the way. Not Pac-Man. And does this have to do with her unfortunate hit-and-run? I'm not sure if she ran. She hit. I think she hit. And again, that wasn't-- there's a killed a young Latino child. But by the way, if you hit someone in LA, they're going to be Mexican. So it's not like she's gun in for them. I mean, if you're not in someone's living room. And the second thing is, I think the kid just-- she was like on her cell phone and the kid just like ran out in front of the car. Careful accident, obviously. Horrible accident. And it definitely can't judge because could have happened to anyone including us, we know, and us, right? You're talking on a cell phone. The kid should have been supervised. Should have been like walked to school or something like that. I guess she was on her cell phone. I don't know if she was like rolling through a stop sign. But the kid ran out in front of a stop and in front of the car. Let's see. He had your manslaughter. Yeah. Nine-year-old Jorge Cruz, Jr. He was Jay walking across the street, Los Angeles. And let's see. Child was walking home from school and ran across the street. So these criminal charges? Yeah. Now, there was a vehicle that was in front of Gay Heart stopped. And oh, this is what happens. OK, OK. Here's what happens. And this is why it could have happened to me. And I got a ticket for this very thing in Santa Monica. Every asshole in the city is driving an SUV. And every other asshole is Jay walking, which I don't mind. Like, Jay walk all you want, just don't make the car stop to Jay walk. Like, stand around, wait for an opening, and then just you dart across the street like one of those little river mosquitoes. But what you don't do is go out in the street and get cars to stop for you. Because what happened to her, and it could happen to any of us, there's an SUV park. And it stopped inexplicably in the middle of the street. And there's so many assholes in this town that don't know how to drive. That if I came up on that guy too, I would just go around that guy, especially if there's two lanes. So she just goes around the guy. But what she can't see is a kid walking in front of the SUV. I almost killed somebody on the way home from dancing with the stars. I did the same thing. I sling shot it into the right lane. And I was going to go right around this SUV at a signal right when it turned. And there was a couple of chicks just walking right and stepped right in front of me that I couldn't see him. Pedestrians way too got damn casual in this city. And yes, use the crosswalk, or I don't care if you Jay walk. But don't do that thing where you walk out and then do that thing. We start conducting traffic. I don't say this kid did that. I'm just on a jag now. Where you walk out, you stand in the middle of enterable of our. Now you're going to wait and the car in front of you is going to stop for you. And it's like a fucking just wait until it's open and run across. I don't even want to know what Manny Pacquiao's nickname is. I know his dad killed and ate his dog. We learned that when we had his trainer on. Yes, yes, that's all and that's something I'll never forget. Well, they'll they can go look right. I want to look it up. It's too cruel. All right, does Adam Khrusha 133 Theresa and Brian come up next? We have a very special episode. Adam Khrusha 207 originally released as a promo for laughs for Paul Brian, which was a premium episode being sold online. After the laughs for Paul Brian charity event, they recorded them be three and released it on the internet. Bad religion played live. They cut a couple songs out even though they've been great to hear them all again. I was there. I attended. It was amazing. A hilarious on stage performances. Really cool stuff. They cut some of the stand up out that was like, you know, part of people's acts because they don't want to have that in a premium release. So it's kind of an edited version, but it's got almost all the beats of the show, including Adam and Jimmy on stage were feeling stuff about the Natalie Main's Dixie Chick's prank story. It's never been told before. I had the best time ever. I sat right behind Paul Brian for this event right next to Theresa Strosser. Brian was amazing that night. Christy was amazing. I told Christy was the best live show I've ever seen. It's like how combined comedy and music, it was everything and it still is the best show I've ever seen. It's crazy. I loved every moment of it and now you can hear it in full. We've played it before. I hope you guys enjoy. This is laughs for Paul Brian. From November of 2009, I love you, Paul Brian. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Willshire Abel Theater for laughs for Paul Brian, a benefit for our dear friend Brian Bishop featuring Jimmy Kimmel, Greg Fitzsimmons, Dana Gould, Eric Stromer, Larry Miller, Dr. Drew, Joel McHale, plus special musical performances by the Dan Band and Bad Religion. And now, our host for tonight's performances, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Adam Corolla. Thank you. Hey, you guessed it. Today's podcast is Paul Brian's benefit. But what you have to do is click the link and donate $1.99 to hear today's podcast. Thanks. Thank you. Wow. I'm overwhelmed. A few things before we get going because we are loaded for bear tonight. Lots of great performers, lots of great music. And of course, you guys and all our friends. When we started, when we found out about Brian and his condition, we immediately started thinking about doing a fundraiser and we started thinking about venues and we started thinking about prices and it's basically how many people can you get to come out and at what price. And we started with the Sears Gardening Shed and no charge, but I would blow anyone who came out. And thank you. And we moved on to like the Hermosa Comedy and Magic Club and, you know, I kick you in the shin when you come in the door. But somebody said how about a hundred bucks and how about three hundred bucks for VIP and how about the Wilshire eBell Theatre and everyone said you're nuts. The economies and the toilet, people aren't going out to shows, people are sitting on their wallets these days and I said, People love Bald Bryan, people love the podcast, and our fans will come. (audience cheering) And I always complain when people say that give yourselves a hand, 'cause normally the people didn't do shit to earn the hand that they're giving themselves. Maybe they should give themselves a hand job. (audience laughing) But I do want you to give yourselves a hand, because everyone here has been so generous. Go ahead and give yourselves a hand. You really deserve it. (audience cheering) All right, that's enough. No, I mean, I really, when I found out that the venue was as large as it is and the tickets were as much as they were, I really, I was really hopeful, but somewhat skeptical that we could fill this place up and sell this place out, and you guys did it. And it's just, it's one of those things where when something tragic happens, oftentimes it helps you understand just how much good there is in the world. And thank you so much for coming out here tonight. (audience cheering) Before we bring out the performers and Bald Bryan and Christy and everyone else, I do need to give some thanks for things to do, but I also thought, what if we did a live, in person version of what can Adam complain about? (audience cheering) All right, fuck it. We'll just say thanks and move on if you don't want to do it. (audience laughing) So I realized there's probably no microphone out in the crowd, and I can't see any way, but someone could just yell something out and we'll try. So California, (audience laughing) now we gotta be out of here by 11.30 tonight, so I listen. All you need to know about California and the Los Angeles is graffiti and barbed wire on the freeway signs. The makers of Escape from New York were like, fuck, we forgot that detail. Toss out another, please. (audience cheering) Paul Bryan. (audience laughing) I will say this about Bald Bryan. We used to do a game when I did the radio show called Totally Topical Tivo Trivia, and I don't know if this fucker was cheating, but the way the game was played is you'd read the Tivo description of a movie and the more you heard, the more you'd know what the movie was, you'd leave out the celebrity names, and you'd see who guessed it the fastest. And I was just thinking this evening while I was shaving before I came here, there was one time when somebody said, they read, I think it was Dawson who read the description, he said, "A group of strangers," and Paul Bryan went, "Grand Canyon." And Dawson was like, "Correct." And I was like, "What the fuck?" A group of strangers, that's all. So he was very quick on the draw, and then later on, I won a couple of rounds, and he's now chalking that up to the tumor, by the way. So. Hey, W's the W, it's the way I roll. What's that? My dog, Molly. My dog, Molly, my dog, Molly has one of those tails like hot dog had in the arches, except for they didn't draw a huge anus in. She has a huge anus, and it's really, people wanna say something, but they have too much coot to do anything about it, and it's now getting freckles on it because she's getting older, and it's starting to look like a smiley face, and I mean, she has a saucer-sized anus and a tail that basically's just saying, "Please, rate me." And I don't know, you know, I'm not Darwin or God, but what the fuck, what's the tail that goes this way for? It's not, she's not getting these, she doesn't need a CB reception or anything, and so would it make me a weirdo if I taped it down or waited it or somehow broke it in a way that wasn't that cruel, I mean, they cut them, they cut the dobi's ones right off. Either way, I feel like I've stared at my dog, Molly's anus, more than I've seen my twins eyes. (audience laughing) Yes, what? Properly working, how can you complain about a properly working drain? (audience laughing) Wow. I'll tell you what I can say about a drain that works properly, and I'll bring it full circle to the anus, actually. Which is, when things work properly, you never really fully appreciate them, just like when your ass doesn't hurt, you know what I'm saying? Like you never stand in your shower and go, God damn, that's nice. Look at that, clockwise, always on time. Look at that, hair, urine, all being sucked into the bay, that is so awesome. Man, that toilet flush is like a motherfucker, look at that. Jesus, I'm gonna take a picture of this and toss it up on YouTube, this is awesome. You never notice, you never appreciate it, it's like your ass, when it's working, it's like, of course, that's the way it always works, but the second there's a problem, you're like a stuck pig. What the hell's wrong with the toilet? Oh, the humanity, the shit coming up through the tub. So I'm saying, when you go home tonight and you take a dump and you flush in, it goes down on the bay and it doesn't come back in your bathtub, take a moment, stop and smell the shit. All right, let's do one more and then we'll bring out ball brines. Ice tea, that's the wrapper or the. Ice tea is lighter skin than me, right? But then the blackest guy in the universe, all at the same time, I toss one out, let's hear another one. (chuckles) Ozzie, all right, we'll talk about Ozzie. (audience cheers) Well, of course, I've known Ozzie from, my Nicaraguan friend for 19 years and he still calls me, ah. It's one thing that someone mispronounces your names and everything where it sounds like they're just belching up some stew like, hey, ah, I don't know why he thinks I would respond, ah, but I do. Now it's become my name. Also, he's a Nicaraguan guy who frequently rocks a Jerry curl, which is, I feel like he should be wearing a net. I don't, I eat everything that he cooks, yet he has more funky facial hair and crazier hair than anyone on the planet. It really seems like a bad combination. I should force him to wear the beard net and the hair net, by the way, when he's over to the, over to the house. Oh, well, by the way, when you start wearing the beard, how committed are you to a beard? When you actually wear the beard net and you still won't shave off the fucking beard. Like at that point, isn't it time just to quit the job at Subway or shave the fucking beard? I still do one more and then we'll bring out Paul Bryan and Christie. (audience cheers) TV. TV, like tuberculosis. Oh, Teresa's TV, wow. (audience cheers) I mean, that thing's the size of a crock bot now, you know. (audience laughs) Yeah, it's all yoked out, yeah. Nothing there at all. Now, she went, she went C section, although she thinks the C stands for something else. I'd have to explain to her. It's nothing personal. They always call it that. I could see it first glance, you know, especially when you, you know, got the spinal tap going and they toss out the C word, you know. She's a little defensive. She had a rough pass. T's V, I'm a fan. I wish I saw it more often. You know, we've had our arguments in the past and so far, we've agreed to disagree. Jimmy Kimmel, everybody. (audience cheers) Somebody didn't get my memo about the blazer. Let this one out of 'em. Hi everybody, good times. You know, I thought it might be a nice thing in honor of Paul Bryan. We haven't done this together in a long time. But fuck, take off your pants. We've done that. But here, you get the smaller one, as is tradition. I am a lightweight. You want to do it? Yeah, this seems like a good way to kick things off. All right? Jimmy Kimmel everybody All right without any further ado, let's spring out the man we're all here to honor tonight. Bald Bryan and his beautiful bride, Christie. , thank you. Adam, that movie was made only by the way. Oh, sorry. But the description was right. Sorry, sorry, accurate. Yes. Speaking of stories, back in April, I guess it was just about April this time of the month, I said to the doctor office on Wilshire Boulevard, and I was being told I had a brain tumor, and I had Christie next to me, and I said to the doctor, I didn't mean to say to the doctor, realistically, what are we looking at here? And he said verbatim. He said, typically in these cases, I say six months to a year, and that was seven months ago. I'm pretty I'm almost sure it was Grant Canyon. Are you sure it was? I mean, I'm fine, so I should take the tape. I don't think it was Magnolia. Okay, sorry. Anyway, I don't know, what are we saying? One of the things that has helped me through my brain cancer, Adam, has been the letters and the emails and all that really awesome support from you guys, so thank you very much. I know you've already given yourself a hand, but give yourself another hand, please. Do I have to second to thank a couple? Sure. Sure. The first person I would like to thank, I know you all want to see the bands and the comedians, so I'll be quick. The first person, of course, is my lovely broad Christie, who hopefully. You're the reason I get up in the morning, and you've helped me so much, and you're not going to see me cry, so thank you for bringing your blog. Thank you. And the second person is Debra Barge. Now who's Debra Barge? Debra Barge, yes. She is the woman in charge of the night. She put it all together and she kicks ass, so if you see a woman in a Washington T-shirt, they give her any shit for wearing a Washington T-shirt, just give her pat on the back because I thank you very much and give her her applause now. And the last person I want to thank is saying here next to me, Mr. Adam Corolla. You guys should hope that if something like this happens to you, you have a friend like Adam Corolla because he's a good guy, and when people said we couldn't do it, talk to us, we've packed the house, and Adam was the guy who led the charge, so thanks, Pam. I love you, buddy. Thanks, Brian. Thanks. You're a real quick bong spirits vodka. They sponsored the booze. God love them. Mixing the bong water and the vodka. Also, sushi kings on sunset for the folks that bought the expensive tickets, you'll be enjoying some of that. Hopefully off of a naked Christy. Sweet. I said hopefully, I didn't say what's going to happen for sure. I want to thank Angie and Chad Fitzsimmons. Angie and Chad put in a thousand man and woman hours on this event. Of course, you already thanked Deborah Barge for making everything happen. And I want to thank my beautiful wife, Lynette, for putting in so many hours. And making this whole event possible. And now let's bring on our first guest. Everybody, your doctor in mind, Dr. Drew Pansky. I think that's true. Oh, this sucks. They're going true. They're not booing you. That's why you got to name your kid Lou. Because if he ever gets into major sports and he hits, you know, he comes out onto the diamond and they yell, "Loo, they could be booing. It'll always be Lou." Okay. What's going on, Drew? See, Adam and I have not shared the stage together since a couple of years, right? We used to do this kind of thing in colleges around the country. And there's two people with microphones out here. Wow. Yeah, there are. There they are. Two with the flashlights overhead. And the way we're going to do this is a little love line. What do you think? All right. Before we start, though, I want to say, I'm not sure if Brian Gushnath about how much Adam has laid on the tracks to make this happen. So really, hats off to Brian Horages. God bless you and he looks great. But thanks for doing this. It's really a cool thing. My pleasure. And again, give yourself a hand. Don't, but just figuratively speaking. Yes. So, all right. So, where's our microphone guy? Give yourselves a thumb. So, this is it. There's the microphone. Somebody get a microphone and ask us a question. And we'll get this thing going. These aren't a bunch of fucked up teens in northern to calve, too, they sure. I'll tell you what. The option, the other option is that Adam tells you the story about, is Ray here tonight? Yeah, I think Ray's here tonight. Oh, Ray. Well, I don't know if you've been about Ray and the way he used to like to load up with a little Jacuzzi water. It's a famous story. It's a really good story. This is this is way too high for Luke and a crowd. I don't think I don't think Ray is here because I haven't had to dodge fecal matter in like 20 minutes. All right, neither I, but it could happen, yeah, I'm just saying. Maybe sit the bar. Do you have a question back here? Go ahead. What's up, Adam and Drew? Back on the love line, you made me pull over on the road, brought me to tears with Ace Rock Hole in the gay morning zoo. How'd you come up with that character? Literally Roman dude. I thank you. What are you doing on the road? We're coming home from work because that's not a, if you're going to work, that's a bad sign. Coming home from work, man. All right, good. I think we're, who did we, oh, we had the, mad TV, mad TV, right? I don't remember this. Sorry, there's one of your great moments. All you need to know is 11 years with Drew and he never said that's a good one. Yeah, the gay morning zoo was the Will Sassow from, oh, I do remember this now, yes. Yeah, and it was just, it was you and Will going back and forth. It was really, it was really offensive and I have so many gay friends now. I mean, not really friends, there's a couple of homos that work for me now, but I still feel like I just don't want to piss them off because you know, they could, you know, they could give you hep C or something. I don't know. I just, they're not a group you want to anger. That's all I'm saying. Do you have another question? We have a question over here. Oh, yeah. There you are. Hey guys, I am currently dating an LA cop. Do you have any advice for me? Wow. So what's his name? That was the question. His name is Mary. Does she do the extra cop talk? I'm going to need you to do for me. Okay, right now. Let's go ahead and remove the penis. So I can put in my mouth. Okay, right now. So I'm going to see some, I see some cock and ID and proof of balls, please. It's got to be annoying in the bedroom. Okay, right now. I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and give me an orgasm. Okay, right now. Wow. Well, you know, here's the thing about cops. Oh, well, no. Here's the problem. I know if your wife had a gun just on her person, bad news. You wouldn't be here, right? No, right? I wouldn't be here either. Right, right. You're special. I'm special. No, but I mean, she would have killed you at some point. Yeah, for being with you. The problem is the, I know, but the problem is is I would, I feel like my wife would have shot me like 1200 times by now. Like that's that's that's the proximity. So his Mary's got a gun. Yeah, she's trained. Yeah, but she's got the first round it's got to be a blank because that'll give you enough time to like grab a towel and get down the front lawn or something. I just, I feel like there's a higher chance of you getting shot by your wife who's a cop than her shooting a bird. This is why guns shouldn't be around the house. That's right. She shoots the guns off. Right. Right. Very dangerous. You had to tell that race story. Oh, no, no, there we go. Much too much too smart of crowd. Hi, guys. Hey. So how long is lasting too long in bed? - Uh-huh. Well, when you're reaching for the water soluble lube, and she's reaching for the universal remote, - That's a bad sign. - That's a bad sign. - Saddam says, it's sex is good, it's just not the real thing. - Yeah. - No. - He's gotta have it, yes, too. - I mean, it's true, I mean, let's face it. I mean, it's sort of, once you're in its dog ears, right? - Yes. - 12 minutes is a lifetime. I mean, as you and I've said, it's like three minutes in the ring. Yeah, if you three minutes in the ring, it feels like about 45 minutes. - Yeah, Larry Holmes pumbled the shit out of you for three minutes and tell me what it feels like. By the way, don't describe your experience with your girlfriend or wife as that. I'm just saying it doesn't go over well. - Yeah. - Just saying. - It would, my feeling, and I think our collective feeling as chicks don't like that anyway. - No, that's right. They don't. After about eight to minutes, some 12, it just means out. That's all. - They really, they're really all lesbians at heart. If you think about it. - Once the whole reproduction thing has passed. Once the whole, yeah. - Thank you. Drew, I know you got that show, so I'll get you a juice or something. If you like it. You want a juice box? - No, a juice box. Been nice, thank you, dad. - They like to mix punch. - All right, now Drew, who are we bringing out here next? You know? 'Cause I didn't go through-- - Oh, Jimmy knows. - Well, we're bringing out a very talented comedian. He's a virus descent. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, Dave Schipell. - No. (audience laughing) - Let you say that this guy is no question one of the funniest guys around. Despite his, he has a pension for cruelty. I'll be honest with you, but he's one of the funniest guys there are, and everyone, do you guys have beers too or no? Oh, well that's a shame. You can't watch us drink them now though. Ziggie's on you, Ziggie's on you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I hope you took a car. Okay. Here he is. Greg Fitzsimmons everybody. Adam Crowell and Jimmy Kimmel. Come on. How about it? This is really an honor. I am honored to be a part of this tonight. I am honored to be on the stage with these guys who are, you know, they're loyal and they're caring and, and ball of Brian is a guy who it is an honor to be here and, and, and do whatever I can to help help out. So, and thank you all for being here to, to share in this, it really is. I mean this lineup, the fact that you guys all came out, this theater is fucking beautiful and, I mean, I don't want this to come out wrong, but, just glad he got sick, you know, this never would have come together. Otherwise, I just feel like we wouldn't have really kicked it in a gear and, now I'm backstage and they're like, okay, so here's the plan. First ball, Brian will go up and talk and then Fitzsimmons. You'll do about 15. So, it's, it's hard because the thing that you take from any time somebody that you care about and love gets sick like this is it really, it makes you appreciate your life. Live, live your life as much as you can because I, I really feel like I, I really fucked up my life. I mean, I have, I have got a savings account and I've got paid for my cars, I don't, I don't have a bad credit rate. I just, you know, and I realized like debt really represents the fun that you shouldn't have had. That's more fun than you earned. And savings is the work you did that you didn't fucking enjoy yet. And that's, that's why just, just spend it. You're here tonight and you are giving money and it feels good, doesn't it feels good to fucking spend money. And that's why people that don't have a lot of money, they are, they're more fun, categorically more fun people. Have you ever fucked a poor person? Holy, they fuck back, they, they will, like they need it, you know, like they've had a bad day and now they're fucking and it feels good. You fuck a rich person, you know, they had a nice breakfast, they played golf and it's just another pleasant thing that's happening that day. But a poor girl, she'll suck your dick like she's hungry. That's like, and so enjoy your life, go for it. Like for me, I just got glasses, I got, I'm 43 years old and I now I go to, I can't even commit to going to an optometrist, I go to right aid and I buy the shitty $9 fucking piece of shit, I hate it, I hate it. I bought one good pair, I went home, I looked at my wife, I saw that she had sprouted her first chin whisker and I fucking threw them out and then I punched myself in the face. You realize, as you get older, you don't want your senses to stay sharp. You don't, you want to stay married forever? If there's a reason your hearing goes and your sight goes. Have you ever seen an old couple walking down arm and arm, they're 90 years old walking down the street shuffling and they go, that is so sweet. No, her hip went, he's got a bad knee, this is the only way they can walk upright. They're just trying to make it to the finish line at this point. I don't like, I just, I don't have, I don't have my edge, I just like porn. I'm 43 when I was young and I watch porn, I wanted hardcore, I don't want any talking, I don't want any story, just show me the fucking. Now that I'm 43, kind of want the story. Had these two meter, they in love? Try to cut to a blue gel, just as I hit the punchline, just to distract everybody from the whole fucking setup that I just did. What is Bobcat Goldthway doing the directing here tonight? Inside joke, he used to do the Kindle Show, kind of fucked up with the comics. So now, when I watch a movie, I'll watch with my wife, you know, you try to get your wife to watch some porn, you trick her, late at night you throw showtime on. And before the movie starts, you know it's one that you want to watch with her because like the screen goes blank and then they warn you. Warning, and nudity. Bn, brief nudity. That's a dick, watch out for brief nudity, usually a dick. SC, sexual contact. DSWRA, which is a dirty Sanchez with a reach around and you really thank, thanks for ruining the ending, you know what I mean? And you don't even need porn when you live in LA, I mean this is like the city, I was on Melrose plays today, there was a camel toe contest on Melrose. I mean the women didn't know they were in it, but me and my friends were keeping score. Holy shit, exhale that thing. And really I look, I see it tonight and this is a, this is a classy group, there's beautiful women here tonight, sexy, but you're not sure, put it the house lights for a second, look at this crowd. It's not your typical Hollywood bunches, sluts, you, I mean you might be, but you're not showing it, you're showing respect to Bob Bryant tonight. You know, cleavage, like nice cleavage right there, but just, just a third, top third, I get it, I see the trajectory, I see where it's going, nice. You don't need two thirds, that's unnecessary, just a third of the, you don't need to see women going out in, all right, we got it, now you go back to the standard, who the fuck is doing the lights tonight? Look at her, she doesn't even know, she's just like, I'll take more pictures for the college newspaper, what's your name? Anna. Hi Anna, do you work with them? What? Do you work with Adam and Jimmy? No, I'm here for Brian and Kristi. Oh, thanks for bombing everybody out again. I'm trying to get a few laughs up here and you got to bring up the guy with brain cancer, thank you. So, let's go to the next bit. Pretending that there's a teleprompter, there's not. So, I got, I guess I do, I'm feeling my mortality, there's nights like this, they really do, they remind you, live your life. If you're not sure where you are in the timeline, go to CVS or write it, go to the hallmark card aisle, you'll know exactly because when you, the older you get, the less the people generally care about you. Every second you're alive, people care a little bit less. Go to the hallmark card aisle, look at the birth announcements section, it's 12 feet wide, 8 feet high, cards open, confetti comes out, there's music. And then 1, 2, 3, then you get up to 10 and it starts jumping by 10, 20, 30, 40. Retirement, sympathy. What the fuck happened, it's like this narrow by the end, get well soon, sympathy, fuck, and you're almost there. And that's when you realize, I fuck. my whole life up, my balls, I'm catching up to my balls. You know how your balls look when you're young or wrinkly and shriveled? We spend our lives catching up to our balls. And ladies, hopefully you never catch up to your vagina. But for a man, it really is, you spend your life wondering why you even have them. Like you walk around, we have balls. The only organ that lives outside the human body. Like there's no way that was the original plan. There's no way God on the seventh day didn't, he was resting and then he went, the balls! Shit! Motherfucker! I forgot the fucking balls! God would never talk like that, but just imagine. Because it's like he just, he just staple gun them to your taint strip as an afterthought. It's like a carry on bag on a flight that you just put in the overhead because you forgot it. You grabbed it on the way out. And you spend your whole life staring at them going, "Why? Why do I carry these things around?" You know, are they that important? Do you need your balls outside of you? Ready at any second? Good thing I had my balls out. It doesn't make sense until you try to create a human life. Me and my wife, my beautiful wife Aaron, who's here somewhere tonight, we have two kids together and they're wonderful and it really is. It sounds trite, but you realize how important your balls are. When you're about to make love and you're trying to create a human life and you're really thinking like this is it. I'm gonna spend your whole life trying to get your dick not to do what it does. And it gets confused. You're like, "Get in there tonight. Deliver!" And your dick's like, "All right, what are we doing? Condom, you're gonna pull me out early? What's the plan?" I'm like, "No, tonight you're gonna go inside, drop it off." You said, "I should never do that." You said, "Never do that." And so now we're getting ready to make love and I'm scared, but then I'm thinking that this is what they're about. That ounce of sperm and my ball sack, that is all the information that's ever exist about, every trait in the history of my family. The whole genetic blueprint, blueprint for dysfunction in the Fitzsimmons family is swimming around on my balls. Every fucked-up thing at Christmas, it's all in there. The alcoholism and the rage and the failure. And now I'm gonna shoot that into my wife. And she's gonna make a person. And ladies, you gotta think about that. When that sperm is going into your vagina or your mouth or your hair, whatever, that is the distillation of all knowledge in your clan, all being shot out, launched into the future. Think about it. You're shooting life forward. And conversely, farting is death. It's dying food that you cough out your asshole. Notice the direction, the anus, back and away. And now you're sending death into the past as you shoot life forward. And that's why if you don't want to have sex one night, you don't have to fake a headache, fart. It kills everything. It's death. You're shooting death onto your man's dick. That's what it is. If you, he's in the spoons position and you just fart death on his balls. I know I've talked a lot about sex tonight, but I think the reason is I really don't have much else in my act that I talk about it. But this is the center. And the hypocrisy that all the porn movies, everything's done here in Hollywood. And then in the last election, they passed the new zoning law that strip clubs can no longer be located within a hundred yards of a church or a school in Los Angeles. Did you know that? Like what does that even mean? Like are men getting so horned up inside of a strip? Are we dangerous? Is it scary for the world when we emerge from a strip club after seeing some naked titties? Like does a man just come out of the front door just, just kids diving into bushes and she's flying through the air. And then you get to 99 yards, you're like, fuck. All right, thanks very much. Thanks again for coming out tonight. Good luck to Brian. Thank you. Back to your host, Adam Corolla. Great fit Simmons, everybody. Great cheers, humor, buddy. I loved it. Thanks, man. All right, moving right along. Our next comedian is a guy you've heard. Probably do a Hule Houser on my radio program. A couple of times, everybody, Dana Gould. Am I on this? Oh, I'm on. This is an amazing theater. This, now I don't know, Adam, if you've ever seen Wilshire Boulevard out front. Well, yeah, I have. I grew up out here. Fasten your wow belt. They have that road set up in such a way. Cars can go in either direction simultaneously without plowing into each other in a twisted poem of broken glass and steel. Well, no, it's, it's four lanes. They're all over the country in the world. So cars can go in all four directions at the same time. No, no, it's two directions, but two going one way and two going the other, right? I have been to parties like that. No, no, that's two going one way, two going the other. Some people making gods love. Some people making fun luck. No, no, it's not, it's not a sexual thing. It's just really about getting from point A to point B. Exit went, got it. No, I'm not saying I'm not saying anything. I know all the code. No, no, no, I don't mean anything. I know what a Tennessee Zeppelin is. I've had Michigan apple sauce. No, I don't, no, I'm just, it's just a street here. Well, it's really shouldn't be that amazed by it. It is amazing because it goes down to my favorite street in Los Angeles. You have to keep going east and here's again, I hope if your brain is a virgin, get ready to get mind fucked because you drive east and hit western. Oh, yeah, yeah, I never thought about that. It's not an Escher painting in this town. Yeah, yeah, you do, it's you go east when you run into western. Then there's a store, there's only storefronts on western and the letters that's not even our language. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's just Korean drawings of keys. I'm pretty sure it means F. Whitey, but it may also mean Korean barbecue. I'm not sure. They love classic furniture, but if you get up to around western and Santa Monica, that is where your stars and your celebrities come to play. Relatives coming to Los Angeles, there are two places that I recommend you go. One is a wheelbarrow full of acorns in Calabasas and Santa Monica and western. There's nothing, there's a home depot there. I think there's a hospital there last night. I was outside of blimpies having a tall root beer and I bumped into share. I know that was right out western and Santa Monica. I don't think that was the real. He said she was share. Okay, I'm just saying he will, I don't know if you when Adam Zappel on that girl, you didn't go home with share or anything. I, here's the crazy thing. People think that celebrities have these giant mansions. Because she lives in Malibu. That's what you would think. She lives in a Chevy Malibu. No, I, she calls her backseat, her rumpus room. I know why. But he will, I don't, this is not the same woman who sings gypsies, tramps and thieves. This is some, I don't know anything about thieves. I'm just saying, I can tell you all about gypsies and tramps and that woman's car house. Okay, I'm, I'm just saying maybe when you head out at night, maybe you ought to head a little bit west on Santa Monica and go to some of your favorite bars over there like Mr. Fister's places like that and stay away stay away for I don't think that was the real share well and I know that wasn't the real Marilyn Monroe you're telling me about the other day he look you're just jealous you're jealous because I can say I blew Marilyn Monroe and you paint it's true you're part of history you in the Kennedys Dana Gould everybody thank you this is this is an absolutely true story I swear to God I missed you all how's there today by an hour I was over at the Simpsons where I used to work and crashed for a free lunch and I walk in the literally everyone like their faces felt like dude you just missed you all how's it he was just here it wasn't that would not have gone well um you're the guy that says I'm a rapist the next thing I look up it's like Dexter I look up I just see the top of his tent do you want to say something that's really amazing have you ever dated a goth check for four or five months before you realize she was just an orthodox Jew what do you mean who's the cure this is a very bizarre time of year because it's getting into the holidays getting into Christmas and it's funny because I don't really like all the religious stuff about Christmas I don't really buy any of it but I have little kids you know my wife and I we have little daughters and we want them to have all of Christmas and and now is the time of year when you start to bring it out you start threatening them with a Santa thing like honey I've told you to go to bed three times now and you know Santa Claus is watching you from the North Pole he can see you through his magic crystal ball and he has a list of every boy and girl in the world whether they've been good or bad and then a couple of weeks he's gonna get on his magic slay with his flying reindeer and bring a toy to all the good boys and girls and I want you to be on that list and then she'll talk to her cousin who's in Catholic school she's like yeah and Santa's God's friend because Christmas is Jesus's birthday and God is Jesus's father like yeah but that's stuff I don't think you want to take that so literally that's more symbolic you know that it's kind of a fable of icons of good and evil I don't think you want to get caught up in the weeds and all that the weird thing about kids having children that I found it's not so much the things that you find yourself saying but but you say them so seriously stuff you never thought would come out of your mouth I'll pretend I'm a kid and when you finish your juice if Alice took your blanket why don't you tell it to the battle turtle I literally no get almost drove up the 405 when I went nobody likes wrecked any more than anybody else and I don't have my I can't I would never hit my kids I I can't yell at them see my whole parenting style is just a fuse a lot of empty threats I will murder Santa that's good who will see Easter Bunny stew cuz I will kill him I will break tinkerbell spine with one hand if you do not give her that goddamn yoga pop if you want a fairy to die keep enjoying that strawberry yoga pop and a fairy will die and I don't see and the thing is that like a friend of mine just get married and I'm trying to explain to like getting married is so easy staying married is so not easy and I had this theory this is this is the only advice that I really have about about getting married it's like for men here's the only advice I have when you're married never finish this sentence you want to know what I think because I'll fucking tell you what I think and you're done no one ever had a great night at home after finishing that sentence there's no pot of gold at the end of that thought it's one of those statements that tells you troubles ride around the corner like watch me scare the president hey throw the baby over here hey do we have is that a mic stand do we have a mic stand up here Angie oh there I see it I see it I'm sorry I might need it for later for a theatrical piece but I you know I only have one piece of advice for women as well it's not that big it has nothing to do with relationships but ladies if you ever find yourselves at a bachelor at party or someone as a gag gives you a chocolate penis and you want to eat it in public hold it like corn I'm not here to tell anybody they can't enjoy their snack but nobody wants to see you hard and down I have to be careful when I fight with my wife because I have a anger I get angry it's the one thing I have a comma with my father my father is basically two emotions rage and suppressed rage and that's been and I get like that with my I get like that with my the strangest thing set me off like reality shows my wife is addicted to reality shows and I cannot watch them and I walk and they'll be on I'll just like this and those people that said their kid was in a balloon they did it because they wanted to get a reality show what was the fucking show gonna be children in danger every week oh no we locked Sean in a van full of starving cats time for a mystery injection you know the kids drink standing water down at the lumber yard you know what is the what is your show but because this is the thing with those shows and this is why it drives me insane you're watching people who are not actors doing things created by people who are not writers and they are second-guessing what they think you would like to see were this written which it is not and you are passively observing it you're seven steps away from being really alive at this point you know if you one more step in the fabric of the world will tear and wing demons will fly in from a book you're watching an amateur production of nothing it drives me insane I'm turning and I get that anger and I just go and my dog is like that my I have a little shitty dog that I never thought I'd have and he'll just he's sitting in the house and then if another dog walks by the house and it was a if he was a guy he would be a fucking lunatic like he'd be talking to the barbecue yes I went over to Karen's house and she's got like some kind of new cedar deck and fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you and it's just I just cedar I love the smell of cedar it is I sure really quick and for people who have children that's what it is about because it's about you have to be careful how you talk to your kids I am from a small town in Massachusetts and thank you very much and everybody in my family basically lives within a mile to two miles of where I we grew up I'm the only one that moved away and I moved all the way across the country coincidence perhaps when I first moved away I moved to San Francisco but because I moved to San Francisco the last thing my father said to me is I left for the airport and this is the God's truth I'm literally leaving for the airport my friend Dan Spencer is out front waiting to drive me and the last thing my dad says not good luck not knock him dead not you'll be great well if you're thinking of coming home queer don't come home and it just feel like have we met 18 years nothing and it got me so angry that I gave a lot of thought to moving out there and just a comment really queer. Just blow everybody right off the jet wave. Excuse me. Roll in the city on a wagon. Hey look a blimp. That cloud looks like a dump truck. And not loving blow jobs, either angry, spite-filled, blow jobs, blow jobs that send a message to the older generation. But where would that have led? Five years later, where am I? Oh, I probably live out behind some gay bar in a dog house. I don't even have to stand up. I just stick my head out. A good night. I get five guys going at the same time. Fuck you, dad. Nobody tells me I'd live my life. I'll tell you what I am, pal. I'm the master of my faith. That's what I am. I'm the captain of my destiny. Check it out, boys. This is what freedom looks like. Ah, appears, Jed. I'll tell him. Dude, I don't know how to say this. But, ah, I heard your dad died. What? Yeah, it was a giant pile-up on the interstate. We had a list of all the names on the paper. I just assumed you read it. I've been a fool. I'm sorry, dad. You didn't know. You just didn't understand who I was. You were just acting out of fear. And here I am. I think I'm so much better than you. And I'm just reacting out of anger. Neither one of us is in a real emotion is the best 10 years. I just hope that you can look down if you're up there and have it. I hope you can look down on me now. I want to know that I love you and I proud of you, son. I love you, I proud of you. So, don't live in spite. That's really what I wanted to say. The end. Thank you very, very much. Good luck, Brian. Good night, thank you. All right. Still got bad religion coming up, everybody. But before we bring out bad religion, a dear, dear friend of the radio show and just, ah, that his people would call a mench. I believe Larry Miller, everybody. We'll do a, ah, hey, buddy. We'll do a quick hypothetical before we get to your set. And again, no wrong answers here. Well, as long as there are no wrong answers because when we used to do this on the radio show, I'd get upset because if I don't like being wrong, it makes me feel, it builds me. And then as long as there are no wrong answers then. It's a hypothetical question, okay. By definition, there can't be a wrong answer. Whatever is in your heart is the right answer. So, that's what I mean. So, I can relax. They can relax. It's all in touch. No pressure here. It's not, it's not jeopardy. It's just, I don't like being wrong, not what you speak your mind. Okay. You got to drive from LA to Florida. Yes. Okay. With either the first person, a person or b person, first person is the chick who announces she's a chocaholic. She sets it up like she's talking about methadone, but it finishes it off with chocaholic, which must make all the people that are really struggling with drugs feel good about themselves. Oh, I'm a chocaholic. All right. It's either that chick or the person who thinks her cat thinks it's a person. You know, that person, I know the fucking cat doesn't think. The cat probably thinks it's a potted plant, but the cat, here's a deal with the cat. The cat knows it's not a person, but knows you're an asshole. That's basically, that's as much as the cat knows, but he thinks he's a person. He thinks he's a person. First of all, this is like many of these. This is an easy one. There's really no wrong answer. And luckily, there's no wrong answer. I would always, 100% of the time, always drive with the chocaholic. And here's why. First of all, thank you. I'm just glad you, I'm just glad you all heard that too. For a second, I thought that's the last thing you hear before you die, like suddenly you hear wrong and you're just then a fool. Boy, that guy just went. Anyway, it's always the chocaholic because the cats, as you said, are hard, it's like a fish. It's not an actual animal. It just looks like you're like that. Right. Put feelings in them, but it's like a hunk of wood. It's not really there. Cats are like, if I had a thumb and could operate a pistol, you'd be dead, fucker. Do so many words, yes. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you're saying chocaholic. Of course, because every 200 yards across America, I can always get her chocolate and she'll be happy. I'm sorry. That's incorrect, Larry. Oh, but I know. No, no, no, no, no, because that's a heavy set woman in your mileage may vary. The cat woman is spindly. She's malnourished. She's sharing half of her sounds very staked with the cab with the tabby every night. She's barely bucked to 20. Whereas this is an open, this is a large, but we didn't say heavy set because I know someone who's a trainer and she's gorgeous and she's a chocaholic. And I always think that's the one thing she does wrong and I could talk her out of it. Right. But she has an eating disorder, Larry. If you want to stop and barf every 20 miles, you'll never make it to bar. So I'm sorry, Larry. That's incorrect. I'm sorry. Anyway, enjoy the comedy styleings of Larry Miller, everybody. Thanks, folks. That really is fun. That's why I go to like all these folks so much. And that's why I'm glad to be here. Can we, by the way, with all the problems that my driving cross country with all the problems we have here and across the world, can we at least finally all agree on one thing that working out is a waste of time. It is. It's so stupid. A friend of mine runs marathons. He's always talking about this runner's high, but he has to go 26 miles for it. That's why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs. It is. It's a stupid waste of time. In fact, here's a little message to every good athlete in the audience here tonight. Every hour you're in the gym working out, I am in a bar talking to your girlfriend. That's right. I may not be strong, but I'm there. Lift that. It's so stupid. No one ever seems to notice this, but weightlifting misses the point. Weightlifting, it misses the point. A man can make any part of his body huge, except one. And by comparison, that now looks smaller. You'd think these guys would be trying to lose weight, make it look bigger. Going in the wrong way. How was your date with Jim? Well, he's so skinny, but what a man. It doesn't matter to me now because I'm out of the game. I'm married. I'm dead. And that's fine. I don't care. By the way, when you have kids, you see, when you have kids, when your kids are born, you think, well, maybe he'll be Einstein. And then by third grade, you think, you know what? Average would be good. Let's shoot for that, honey. What do you think? Let's go for right up the middle, just like everyone else. Nothing fancy, little reading, little writing. Let's go for regular. Years after that, you're down to just not a meth dealer in prison. Let's aim high. Just no dragon tattoos over the skull and frozen teardrops on the cheek, horrifying Thanksgiving dinners. And how's Bobby doing? Great. He's in lockdown now. Shanked someone in the yard. Crazy kid. Carved a shiver out of a toothbrush. He was always so good with his hands that one. And to think of all the years we wasted in Little League, most horrifying thing, take the word of someone who's been there. We have given two kids and ten years to Little League. And I am here to tell you, it's the most -- it's -- it's half of the people of the nicest people we've ever met, half the people are just horrible, horrible people. Let me put it -- let me put it this way, if you've never been involved with Little League, let me put it this way. Anyone who thinks there's even the smallest possibility of peace in the Middle East has never been involved with Little League. Because once you go through Little League, you realize eventually everyone will kill everyone else. And there's no -- what a horrifying organization. The vendettas in the snake bar alone go back seven generations. And you might be thinking, but Larry, isn't Little League all about the kids and sunny days and friendships that will last a lifetime? Well, yes, but only in the sense that prostitution is all about working outdoors and being a people person. It's not about the kids, it's about their unmedicated parents. The parents are out of their minds, they're horrifying people. And so if you're ever on a highway, any freeway around here, and you see one of those license plate frames that says, "Little League Mom, don't cut her off," she'll follow you home, burn it down, and sleep just fine. Best day of her life. I'm not afraid of terrorists in the United States because baseball mothers will protect us. That's how crazy they are. The rest of the world could say, "You see, we've got millions of young men who'll kill themselves." And we could say, "Well, that's pretty scary, no question about it, but you see over here. We've got 230 women from Sherman Oaks who've just been told their sons didn't make all stars. Your move -- (laughter) They're out of their mind. We are all ultimately the same on these things because we're all spoiled, though. It happened to me tonight and last week, because it's cold tonight, but we all live here in California. So what does cold mean? Last week, we took the kids to one of those sports dinners. This is how spoiled we've all gotten, no matter where you're from. We took the kids to, like, a guy's backyard where they have a barbecue for one of the teams, and it's 4.30 in the afternoon on Sunday, and all the parents of us starting to walk around are going, "It's a little cold today. It's a little cold." It's a little cold today. My wife said, "You know, it's a little cold today. It's a little cold." And the kids came up and said, "You know, it's getting cold. We don't need the cake. Let's go home. It's getting cold." And I said, "You're right. It's getting cold." And all the parents were running out front for their cars because it's a little cold. And the kids said, "Dad, come on. Open the car. Open the car." It was like Jurassic Park. Why is there a raptor behind us? It's just a little cold. It's a little cold. And we got in. My hand was actually shaking a little as I put the key in. You know how the temperature flashes up? It was 64. What happened to us? With the windshield factor, 63. We've gotten so spoiled. What happened? Do you realize, no matter how old you are here tonight, your parents were twice as tough as you. Do you know what I mean? You could be 20 or 50 or 80. Your parents were twice as tough as you. And their parents were twice as tough as them, and it keeps getting tougher as you go back. You know, you get back five, six generations. That's when you get back to those days of Jacob, time of that broken arm and keep plowing. Yes, her paw. Eli, stitch your face back on with these horse nails. Yes, her paw. Lucy, keep stepping that bear. Then you get down to us and let's be honest, I think we've lost a step. My parents, my father had three jobs and went to school at night. If I go to the cleaners and the bank, in the same day, I need a nap. What happened to us? When did we. You know, by the time he was 30, my father had served in a war, built a house, raised a family. My greatest accomplishment at 30 was having all five planted of the apes films on tape. You want to hear something horrifying? Is it possible our kids are going to be lazier than us? Is that even possible? Is there any more room there? Imagine us lecturing them. You know, when I was your age, we didn't have jet packs, we drove to school. That's right, buddy boy. We had black escalades and we were damn glad to have them. Some of my poor friends couldn't afford the spinning wheels, it still fills me with rage. What happened to us? We got spoiled. That's the way we like it though. That's the way we want to be. Look how we deal with everything in our lives. We just drive from restaurant to restaurant, saw stains dripping down our faces, desperately trying to digest enough to pull over and eat again. We like extremes. That's the American pendulum, all extremes. The news is on all day but we know less and less. There's music in every mall, but no one hears it. We all have phones, but nothing to say. The chubbiest of us have the strictest diets because we can't learn to moderate and modulate. It's all or nothing. One bite of a cookie, suddenly you're on a plane to Vegas with a hooker. Just nothing, there's no middle ground anywhere, nothing. But that's the way we want it. We got spoiled. Come on, look at us, we have no fuse, we have no patience. If your computer takes an extra 12 seconds to go on in the morning, you'll blow your brains out. Oh come on, come on, oh this thing I can't take, that's who we are. You pull up to the ATM and there are four people in front of you, oh, right to the ammo store. Oh, spoiled. I made frozen buffalo wings, look how we deal with food. We don't hunt, we don't fish, we don't grow, we don't do anything. I made frozen buffalo wings, we want them in the microwave, it says cook for two minutes, two minutes. And then it says turning over, half way through and I actually thought, oh now I've got to turn them over too. Well that's just fine. Oh I'll get it here, no, no, I'll just have some peanut butter. That's who we are. You know when every time someone says why does the world hate us so much, why does everyone hate us so much, it's the same principle. I can tell you that in two words, puffs plus, that's right, puffs plus, the tissue with a little drop of oil and lotion and shea butter, whatever in God's name that is because you see while the rest of the world is eating twigs for dinner and bathing in sewer water, we Americans have stood with one voice and declared, Kleenex is too rough for us. And we won't take it anymore. But today, thank God, two fantastic Americans, Bob, Puffs and Edgar Plus, have come up with Puffs Plus so we never again have to irritate the little space under the nose. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh my God, what is that regular Kleenex? You out of your mind, it's like number five sandpaper, ow, oh my God. Is he old pioneer spirit, huh, folks? What happened to us? And now toilet paper has aloe, I love that. How wrong have I been wiping for 50 years? I thought I was doing all right, but apparently the toilet paper needs aloe now. Are people gouging huge chunks out of themselves and doing it so often they need aloe on the paper? I get that what it means when they say they're going to rip you a new one. And E, I love that, vitamin E, aloe and E. I thought that was the one place the sun doesn't shine. And people getting burned down there, how do you do that? Anyone going out back on a hot day on a Sunday, hanging upside down and gravity boots for two hours with your leg spread? We don't even do that to alkyda. We got so spoiled. My favorite now is the snuggies, the blanket with the armholes in it, because the poor woman has to turn the blanket down and oh, she can't reach the remote and, oh my God, I can't, oh, it's over here and I can't take it if I, oh my God, if I've got to get cold for a second, if I reach the remote, it's over there and, oh, no, I can't, if only I had a blanket with the armholes in it, I could sit on the couch for the rest of my life and pee in my pants and never have to leave and stop watching TV ever again. That would be, and all the kids, they'd have different colors and no friends because no one will speak to them because they look stupid, but I'd just be fantastic, oh, that's what we like and we all do the same thing, we're so stupid. if you watch an infomercial and you know it, if you those 20 minutes things if you're flipping around and if you watch for more than a minute and a half you might actually get it because they get you they get you feel so stupid with that you know that you're flipping and you say oh this this one is really dumb this one you have to be a complete idiot to get right look at that I have gotten those things I have gotten the turkey baster that cooks it in eight minutes with the high plastic cake top and it's so stupid we have sham well do you have sham well if you don't let me tell you what it is it's a towel it's so perfectly stupid but we'll get anything and you want to hear the weirdest part I had a puffs plus a couple of weeks ago and you know what it's great it's fantastic it's so soft and nice I love how everything advertised on TV always hurts the back whatever it is that's the first thing to go do you put still put sweaters on the top oh my god the back oh you're still stirring cheese with a spoon oh my god the back do you put the wallet in the front pack oh my god the back lightning bolts coming out of it this is who we are my by the way I love my wife we have kids everything's fine but I swear sometimes I look over there when she's watching TV and think how did we even meet never mind get married how did we go out a second time how did we both go out go back to our apartments and both think let's do that again that was fantastic then let's do it a hundred times and lock it up and I know she thinks the same thing about me oh I know she looks at me in the morning and just thinks if I have to watch him chew his cereal one more time with his special meds bowl I'm gonna go down to the hardware store buy an axe come back and cleave his stupid head right off there is an adjury in the world that'll convict me that kind of tension is what you want though let me tell you something if you're here on a date you don't know anything about this if you're if you're married you understand you know what real intimacy is if you're on a date you think intimacy has to do with nudity that's nothing it's nothing it's nothing that's the first inning and there are eight more real intimacy you know what that is it's like in the terminator where the clothes burn off and the skin burns off and you get down to that shining metal skull that's marriage that's what you're going for there oh I'm not leaving neither am I oh all right let's have another drink that's it you don't want to be like the stupid couple the married 50 that stupid commercial with a holding hands and smiling because they're married 50 years and they get some investment and they bought a house on the beach then they're not married those are actors no one's holding hands and smiling you don't want that anyway you want to be the old couple in the aisle in the supermarket where she's pushing the cart and he's next we're going that's marriage we don't have compatibility there's no compatibility we match you up on 29 levels of compatibility there's no compatibility we have zero levels of compatibility we have no compatibility that's not what it's about it's nothing to do with that we can't even be we can't even drive together anymore we can't be in the same car together we after a certain point if you're married and you drove here tonight you're lucky you didn't kill each other not in an accident you're lucky you didn't pull over to strangle each other she can't take the way I try she can't take it She's just, it's just that the whole time she's going, don't jerk the pedal, you jerk the pedal, don't jerk the pedal. Don't jerk the pedal if you jerk the pedal, you jerk the car, don't jerk the pedal, don't jerk the car. Don't jerk the pedal and jerk the car and turn here, turn here, turn here, turn here, turn here, not here, here, turn here, not here, not here, here, don't jerk the pedal and turn here, in front of him, not in front of him, in front of him, not him, him. Turn here, in front of him, don't jerk the pedal and turn here, in front of him, and keep up with the flow of traffic. You don't keep up with the flow of traffic if you jerk the pedal and turn here, in front of him, and make this light, make this light. Make this light, turn here, in front of him, and don't jerk the pedal and make this, wow, you didn't make the light. Thank you very much. Thanks, folks. Larry Miller is so funny that I just wanted him to steep for a little bit in your gullent. Good news, everyone. Joel McCale just showed up backstage. Jimmy Kimmel is backstage somewhere at this point. He's drunk. I'm going to be honest with you. There he is. You know, it's a weird thing about drinking beer fast. What's that? It's sort of a, it's a gene. It's like being able to roll your tongue like a taco or. Or get a huge cock in your throat? Yes. And I just don't have that gene. You really don't. You're very masculine in a lot of ways. You can build things. You love cars. You're rarely wiped. Right. But when it comes to drinking beer fast, you just, I can't be beat. That's all there is to it. I don't, yeah. I don't speak on a beat. Remember when we were in Seattle? No. Remember when we went there for K-Rock for the Final Four? No. Remember in UCLA made the Final Four like 19. I don't remember that. 1994? Yeah. Yeah. 95, maybe. Yeah, it's like staying in the same motor lodge. No. All right. I'm going to tell a start. We were staying at least 30 miles outside of Seattle. Can I just say whatever he's about to say is a lie? In a motor lodge that shared a parking lot with the 7/11. And it was one of those things where when cars would pull up, their headlights would wake you up. And I think no country for old men. That kind of motor lodge. By the way, it's just in the last five or six years that when we travel, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. Honestly. But even now we're rich enough to have our own beds, we still push them together. Head to toe. Head to toe. That's right. Don't fall in the crack. I've heard Jimmy say that many times. We were. had to be in downtown Seattle. Probably about 5.30 in the morning to do the morning show with Kevin and Bean. And thus, since it was a, you know, 60 mile track to Seattle, we had to get up at like four and shower. And we were. we were at a strip club. We were at a strip club until about 210 that night. And that's flopped into the same. flopped into the same bed. By the way, that strip club all night and then into the same bunk. Probably not a great strategy for straight guys. And that was a good strip club, yeah. That's as close as you come to prison love. But either way. Larm one off at 4 a.m., we'd had an hour and 45 minutes sleep. Jimmy hopped into the shower. I watched a little CNN and at a certain point he said the shower's ready. And because it was a pile of shit motor lodge, when I got into the shower, which by the way had the spiket above the tub, I was shin deep in water. You've got one part wrong. Now you know what I'm talking about. I actually intentionally shut it so that the water was standing. Oh, I had no idea. Well, that makes it much, much more of a violation in that case. Either way, there's no way I could wait for the water to fully drain out of the tub. So when I got in, it was 11, 12 inches deep. And it had some of Jimmy's back hair floating in it, but what the hell. I'm a trooper. I was showering. I shut the door. And about three minutes into my shower, Jimmy knocked on the hollow core masonite door and said, "You may want to look out. I beat off in there." Yeah, now I'm remembering this, yeah. That's right. It's weird looking for jizz. Because. I love that movie. I almost feel like I. Merch and ivory are some of the greatest filmmakers we have. And I really feel like I almost always know where the jizz is, but in this case. Usually you do know where the jizz is. Yeah, but this was Kaiser Sosa. I really did not know. Well, you made a big mistake. The first thing when you're looking for jizz, you don't survey the land. start with the tree. Yeah, I started with the heaven. switchers are bad, you know, doing this, checking the curtain rod in the rings, probably not the way to go and then making my way down to the tub. So I don't know if my calves ever got pregnant because of it. I really don't know if my cuticles miscarried, but either way. We found it. Let's just say that. Let's just say that. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on a second. What's that? Oh, you didn't even drink your beer. Yeah, all right. So what we'll do is we'll do a little lead-up. You remember what I said? Greg Fitzsimmons was the funniest guy around? This guy really is the funniest guy around. Right? The next guy we're gonna be out of. The next guy, yes. Also Irish, another Irishman, fine gentleman, strapping. You know him from television? Yeah, you know him from a bunch of television and movies and everywhere else. You know him from the soup and his new show of community. He is on big screens, small screens and medium screens. Before we bring him out, Adam Ziggy-Saggy, Ziggy-Saggy, oh, oh, oh, and here he is. Joel McHale. Yeah. Hey everybody. Come on, get up. No. Sorry. It's horrible. Hey, welcome everybody. Come on right on. Make fun of the guy. Idiot. No. All right. Hey, thanks for coming. And taking photos of me, community, eight o'clock, Thursdays, NBC, seven central, so watch that. I came out to myself. Sorry, buddy. All right. Let's talk about how fucking shitty cancer is. I hate it. Brian, we're gonna cure it tonight. I know this because Brian is one of the smartest people I have ever, it's Brian, right? Oh boy. No, because I would go into, I went into the item Krolo Show because I would, because when I was working and I still work at the network and I, he refuses to promote it. They're like, oh no, it's really great. Don't worry. No one's gonna know. It's a secret. And so I would go on Adam's show once a week and bring my clips like a traveling salesman. I'd be like, hey, would you like to buy these, Adam? And I don't, I mean, Adam's, I'm sure you all agree. Adam's show was the best show on radio. The best show, Adam. Next to sea crest and, sorry, little buddy. No, if Adam spoke Spanish, she would still be on the air. So you'd walk in, you'd walk in, you get, first you'd see Angie and you don't even know who Angie is, but maybe some of you do, but she's like the hottest woman ever to work in radio, which actually is saying nothing, because most people in radio look like burn victims. And have you seen Tom like us? It's like, it's time I do it. Yeah, you're right. That was low. I'm sorry. He's never sent anything bad. So you would walk in there and it was, this was the days when Danny Boniducci was on the show. And you would walk in there like, I'm gonna do some radio when it's gonna be funny. You'd see Danny and he would just, he looked like some sort of elf gay king, because he was just covered head to toe and bedazzled denim. And he was on my space the whole time, never looking up and just jonesing for another cigarette. It wreaked like, I mean, it was, he wreaked of smoke and he would just be like, couldn't wait till the next break, which is in two minutes. And he would smoke an entire 100 marble, you know, with those huge cigarettes. Adam would be bidding on a Lamborghini Mura on the internet. And I don't know, you could obviously couldn't see Adam, but he would barely clothe himself in the morning. He would be wearing ugly boots. And his sweat pants would be pulled down. His hair was met, his breath was awful. And then Theresa Strosser was just flipping out because her birth control was never properly like, balanced out. So she was like, ah, I just want to say the news once in a while, these assholes. So she would be like, there's fucking news to say. And Adam's like, ah, ah, shut up, Danny. No, I got a great story. I'm Danny Bonnetucci. I know Eddie Van Halen and Eddie Van Halen would call in. I do not know you dude. And it's great. We're great team. I'm Eddie Van anyway. So then the person that was making the whole thing go was Brian. He stood, he stood the entire show. No one else stood. Adam, yeah, you did. You made the whole show happen. Are you crying? You pussy. And don't worry, the station's much better now. Today's hip hop. Yeah. No, it's not. It's horrible now. So. And so no, Brian stood for like five hours and he made the show go forward because Adam would be wheeled in with a Dolly. As I said, Danny was just like and Teresa insane and I love you, Teresa. I'm sure you're here and mad and now you have a baby. So everything is great. So, um, but Brian, you and you just kept it going and the drops, the sound drops that you would make. Like Adam would make. Yeah. No, I mean, it was great. It was so awesome. What would make? He was like, Adam would go like, ah, I went to a sticks concert in 1983. And then Ryan, I mean, Brian brought whatever it is. And I say Ryan so often and, uh, no, but Brian would start like, he would, he would access that concert and he's like, so I went to a sticks concert in '83 and I heard a guy play harmonica in the audience and then Brian would pull that up and he'd be like, there you go, Adam, I went to USC and he was amazing. And I loved him. So, Brian, you're, we miss you dearly on that show that doesn't exist anymore that I never got paid for even though I came in 92 fucking weeks in a row. So, I'm kidding, but that, that, you know, so speaking of cancer, John Goslin, still in the news and, uh, he's still in the news. Yeah, he's now suing TLC for $5 million. That's like Hitler suing the history channel for running all those documentaries about World War II. You're making me look bad, yeah. And speaking of aggressive cancer, Spencer and Heidi have a fucking book and they have a book, Spencer and Heidi, oh lord, uh, just think most of you don't have a book. They have a book. No, they're not like cancer. It's like America has contracted herpes and we just have to live with them and instead of us going bald, we grow creepy flesh-colored beards like Spencer. And I used to really not like bald men when I would see you, Brian, because I, it's something, uh, is in my inevitable future. So, uh, but I've gotten over that and I love you. So, um, I, I, as you can see, I was really prepared when I came out here tonight. I can continue talking about the hills. Uh, Brian, um, this is your wife here. I've never met her and I don't want to. That's fine. Uh, no, uh, but I, I want to say one more thing about, did you, is your entire family here? Really? Everyone's here? Yeah. This is the whole family and then these, these three family members, these three open seats are people that left that don't like you that much. Okay, that's great. Um, no, but I think you guys, uh, we need to stop. Uh, I know that a lot of you old people don't know what the show the hills is, uh, but it is worse than meth and phatomene. I swear to God. There's a woman on that show named Adrina. Is she here tonight? Oh, yeah, she couldn't. She doesn't know where she is and she's lived here all her life and she, she's an idiot. This, this, uh, I swear, if you took a power drill and stuck it in the side of this Mensa members brain and we're right against her. And you took a drill and you drilled into it, be like drilling into sheet rock with no two by four behind it. It would just be like boom, oh shit. And then just pink champagne would come down pouring for blouse. This uses me like, I'm, I'm wet. I gotta clean up. Okay, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, breathe, walk, walk, uh, I forgot what I was doing. I must be stopped. How long have I been out here? I know I can only be out here for a few minutes. Okay, uh, no, I really believe me that material goes much. horrible but I was not actually going to be here tonight because my wife and children have the plague, and it really happened this week. We took a walk to Gelsons markets, and my four-year-old Eddie, he, in the middle of Gelsons, began to just, he was like, "I don't feel well," and I'm like, "Well, what do you mean?" And then the vomit, and it was like, and you think usually people, you know, like employees are like, "Oh, are you okay?" It was like 28 days later. No one helped us. They were like, "It's patient zero, burn the store!" And I was like, "No, please!" So I ran home with, because we had the one-year-old, I have two kids, I should explain my stories better, I have two kids, so I ran back home with the kid on my back, and he was laughing, like, "Daddy, can't really run anymore." So I get the car, and I grab clothes for Eddie, we get down, and there's a little seating area outside of Gelsons, there's Eddie and my wife, but Eddie is just in his underwear, just sitting out there, and which I think is totally illegal, and he said $5 a picture, and it's awful. So then as soon as we get Eddie in the car, my one-year-old turns to me and goes, "Hey, Dad, it's show time." And he begins to vomit all over the Audi, and that was awesome, and then now my wife is vomiting, so full circle until I vomit onto you, Brian, tonight. And Eddie, he's the love of my life, I love that little guy, it just kills me to hit him, and he loves being first in line. He's a four-and-a-half-year-old, they love it, so at school, at his little, you know, dumb school pre-school, where they don't do anything, exactly. He got into it because he wanted to be first in line to come back from the recess, and he got into a fight with a girl, and I'm not sure what grade is the cut-off where you get, you know, where fighting girls is bad, but at this age, they're the same strength, and they start fighting and rolling on the ground, and the teachers were like, "And the fight didn't stop outside." And they rolled into the classroom like it was Roadhouse, and they both wanted to be in the front, so we get Eddie home, and they tell us about it, and I'm like, "Eddie, so what are you going to do next time?" And Eddie goes, "Get in front." That's my boy, and this happened, I know that so many comics go like, "This happened last week when it actually happened in the '60s, and me and Hendrix were just hanging out." And no, so once again, he wanted to be first, and he wakes my wife up at three in the morning every morning because that's when he gets up, and no, about five, and my wife went to go take her morning pee, and she sits, because it doesn't have a dick, and she sits down, and begins, "Eddie, here's it," and goes, "I want to pee first!" So he's like, "Boom!" "Wah!" "Wah!" "Because whizzing all over my wife and crying at the same time!" And she's like, "Ah, what is this happened?" "My kids are moron!" "All right, I have to go. Brian, I love you. I'm going to assault you now." "It's going to get really, yeah, how do you like that, yeah, how do you like that?" "All right, I have a hip replacement, so I can't really do it." All right, thanks you guys. I think, I don't know who's coming out next or who I'm supposed to introduce, but thanks for coming tonight. Obviously, this is the best cause ever, and you should continue to donate all money, or you're going to get a pretty guilty look from me and Brian, so I'm just going to without it further, dude, Tom Cruise, everybody, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, shit, Tom Cruise? All right, hey, well, I'm going to just leave, but before that, community 8 o'clock, Thursday nights, NBC, 7th Central, you better tune in! Thank you guys. I'll see you afterwards, Brian. I don't know their last names, but great guys, they really, everybody, my wife, and Lynn and Alex, and Debra Barge, and many, many Angie, and many, many others, really pulled together to make this night such a success, and again, we probably, we might get to a couple hundred grand as far as raising money for Bald Ryan, and that should last him like three weeks. He's got a pretty bad Coke problem, and he likes to play the ponies, too, but either way, it's going to be a hell of a three weeks, yeah, buddy? You know, he's not doing the nose candy, he's playing the ponies. Some of the smartest, nicest, generous guys in rock and roll, everyone, bad, religion. Thank you very much, we've, you forgot the adjective, a generousist, you didn't add the, this is, thank you, we've never done comedy before, but we'll do what we do best, I hope. ♪ I'll never leave that ♪ ♪ The way you look sometimes ♪ ♪ Like a trampoline on a city street ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ And I don't want it ♪ ♪ The things that you're offering me ♪ ♪ To your eyes, but I don't quit, I do ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ You saw my 21st century ♪ ♪ Did you know, boy ♪ ♪ I don't know how to live ♪ ♪ I got a lot of toys ♪ ♪ My daddy's a lazy little plastic ♪ ♪ I got you on my mind ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ So I get out back to home ♪ ♪ They like what he is now, baby ♪ ♪ I can't explain it ♪ ♪ The things that you say to me ♪ ♪ It's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm a 21st century ♪ ♪ Did you know, boy ♪ ♪ I got a lot of toys ♪ ♪ I got you on my mind ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ So I get out back to home ♪ ♪ They like what he is now, baby ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ So I get out back to home ♪ ♪ They like what he is now, baby ♪ ♪ I got you on my mind ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ So I get out back to home ♪ ♪ They like what he is now, baby ♪ ♪ I got you on my mind ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ So I get out back to home ♪ ♪ I'm about to die ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Nice Adam. That was good in the hammer. That part where you were skipping the rope, I just couldn't keep up with. Did you guys see that moving the hammer? ♪ Thank you. Thank you very much. It's been great being here tonight. You guys haven't been challenging at all. A lot of times we move into, you know, rough crowds in our line of work, and you guys are a pleasure. Thanks for having us. We got one more song. It's called "Sorrow." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'll have a let you down. I cursed the day that I was born. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Thanks for letting us be part of this really special night. Thanks, Brian, for having us. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, Jay. Yeah, bad religion! [cheers and applause] Well, I would, uh, I would deem the night a success. [cheers and applause] I want to thank, uh, let's see. I'll try to go in order of appearance. I've had a few beers tonight. Uh, I want to thank Dana Gould for coming out here tonight. [cheers and applause] I want to thank Greg Fitzimmons for coming out here tonight. [cheers and applause] I want to thank Dr. Drew for coming out here tonight. [cheers and applause] Michael for coming out here tonight. I want to thank the Dan Bands for coming out here tonight. I want to thank Larry Miller for coming out here tonight. I want to thank bad religion for coming out here tonight. [cheers and applause] Alright, it was Adam Crowell's show 207, Last Reball Brian event. It was amazing night, and we'll always have that recording. Coming up next, we have Adam Crowell's show episode 2000 featuring the Try Guys, not in this portion. Just the premier of Rich Banks, he's done 2000 podcasts, charting all of the insane moments leading up to the 2000th episode with Brian Bishop, Gina Grad, and of course the Ace Man. Check it out. There's electricity in the air today. That's why my hair is a mess. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you. And, Paul Brian. Congratulations, everyone. I want to say this. Things in life creep along. Oh, we're getting heavy. And they happen very gradually. And the very gradual part is that It's a part that makes it difficult to wrap your mind around or understand. The person who you see on a daily basis, who loses 80 pounds, that's understandable but never jarring. It's that same person you haven't seen since the last year and then you see them, oh my god, the weight. What happened? What happened? It's amazing, okay? It just elicits a different response because it's all at once versus the very slow of lost 4 pounds a week for the last 17 weeks and now here we are. So that never really gets any response because sometimes it gets a look and good or whatever but it doesn't really get. Not from the day in and day out because those people see every day, hard to tell. And it's a human thing. What we've been able to do here and come to a place and come to a studio, I had to as I was floating around in my freezing cold pool the other day and looking at Philly Cheesecake, it does this great move which is he gets on the side of the pool and looks down at me like, hey I'm not fucking nuts, I'm not going in there, I have a 3 IQ but I'm still not going in there. But he's all jowl when he looks down at me. You don't get that POV if you're dog that often or hopefully if you do, if you use plenty of water, sell you a lube that will come off in the pool but that dog just looking down his jowl starts surrounding his eye sockets which is funny when the jowl spill up into the eyes and he just looks at me and he does this weird move where he takes one paw and he just puts it out. Not really, he's not sure what he's getting out of it, he's not sure what he's doing, are we high-fiving, is he trying to pull me in, I don't have anything he needs, he just does the thing with his paw. Is there a little of like, is he okay, should I check him for make sure he's moving? I wish. There's no. But I was just floating in my freezing cold pool and I was thinking to myself, you know, you've been able to carve out a life where you have a warehouse where you've built this, a studio in your warehouse, you've surrounded yourself with people you want to work with and you get to go in there every day and that's your job. And I was thinking that is insane, that's an insane notion, I mean look, it's insane enough that you're able to get a job on Spike TV or you get a job on whatever radio station or whatever that is. But the idea that you just get to go to that warehouse, you bought to put a couple of cars in back in the day and go sit in your studio and talk into your microphone as a job is pretty outrageous. Now, it's been done incrementally and for so long that it doesn't feel like it would feel if I was just in high school or swinging a hammer or whatever it was my former life was, if I just woke up here it'd be like, oh my god, this is insane and it's important I think for everybody to sort of see if you can dunk yourself in the freezing, frigid waters of life every once in a while and think, wait a minute, here I am. Look at this, I mean it's so easy to, with the kids and the schedule and everything, to have everything just kind of passed you by where at the, you know, we're capable as humans of marveling at, you know, you took me, take me and Tivo or DVR, I went from, wait a minute, you can't stop TV, you can't pause a live show that's, I'm not a warlock, that's, that's alchemy, we can't do this stuff, how do you do it to Jesus Christ, I recorded the goddamn playoff game, I didn't do the spills over the thing, I didn't see the fourth corner, I didn't see the last three minutes of the fourth corner, now I'm, I'm rip ya, that's how we're, that's what we're able to do is human being from the, oh my god, I could have traded a five year old DVR to Elvis for his house in 1975, possibly two of them, possibly two of us, yeah, and a couple of his lady friends, but now I'm yelling at mine because it wasn't smart enough or I wasn't smart enough to hit the extend and record the rest of the fourth corner of the football game. So that's where we're at and I am going to tell you right now that I do appreciate this, but I do think about this, that I realize that it can't be done without you guys and it can't be done without the sharing, I took Philly Chee steak for a walk on Friday night when everybody was somewhere other than home and I just called the guy Matt from Chicago who had lost his dad and his sister in the plane crash and we had a nice chat and he's 24 and my god, I mean, you know, talking to him about his tool room and him and his dad had his tool room and they had the tool room and the basement and I was asking what he had and he did this part where he said we have a band saw, there's a band saw, but we have to put it, I have to put it together still in the box kind of thing and I sort of realized, oh, he got that while his dad was around and they had planned on putting it together and using it but we had a very nice conversation and I meant a lot to him that you called. Well, it meant a lot to me because I sang our fans. He said, oh, we saw you in Chicago and we saw you doing stand up and we saw you doing live podcasts when we took my dad, my dad took me, whatever it is. That's why we're here and we never lose sight of that. So I want to thank all of you for listening for all these years and being a part of these 2,000 episodes. So I appreciate it and now we'll move forward with our 2,000th episode. Let's see, we got our rich bank song Gary. Mm-hmm Brian has it. I do. All right. I have not heard it. I have not either. Let's check it out. Just give it a listen. This could be the beginning of something great or it could be painful humiliating 20 minutes. Let me tell you about. First off, I got to say this. I'm nervous. I don't know why but I've never done this before. Can't burns at your tea. No red turns, Jay. More the deaf right guy. Brian Crenston does gay. I know he'll show us. Hi, G-Pist of the Philippines. I look all the way real. Hopper down his right. Goodbye. He's a 2,000 podcast and you keep complaining and you're never waning. He's a 2,000 podcast and you keep on going 'cause it's hard. He's blowing. Global power makes you say 50 years will I'll be chicks. Max of bad a half-tark Gary. Joking on a flight. Fid stocked up this fast. Richard Martin at White Jazz. There are rivers, road trips occupied Wall Street. K-Runk Road. Hyde. Newman's got a winning down. Fundal news dropping turds. Holland Williams doing birds. Dross Sir. We can rage. I cast on a cruise ship. ♪ In this rant IPA, turn 'em in a row ♪ ♪ Was it? ♪ ♪ Beasts of 2000, I guess ♪ - Call for a heads up. ♪ Keep complaining and they're never waiting ♪ ♪ Beasts of 2000, I guess ♪ - That's gonna be 10 more verses. - You're supposed to. - They're like those. ♪ The target's blowing ♪ ♪ Tito Game, Marty Lang ♪ ♪ August looks like Katie Lang ♪ ♪ Rich, rich, genius, tips ♪ ♪ Who the fuck sells the shit ♪ ♪ Garry, ghost, doctor, true ♪ ♪ David Wildball, tube ♪ ♪ Lacky, stole his micro-brue ♪ ♪ Elliott Cool interview ♪ - My God. (upbeat music) ♪ So deep, don't know yo, go ♪ ♪ Beastie boys, hollin' notes ♪ ♪ Fuel, house or mic, row ♪ ♪ Mayo, Vio, retardo ♪ ♪ Dawson, president, me ♪ ♪ Made a peanut out of cheese ♪ ♪ Retards at the half pole ♪ ♪ Kevin, spissin' ass hole ♪ ♪ He's up 2000, I guess ♪ - That's more. - Wow. ♪ And you keep complaining and they're never waiting ♪ ♪ Beasts of 2000, I guess ♪ ♪ And you keep on going ♪ ♪ 'Cause it's hard, he's loathing ♪ ♪ Now the Brooks has best guessin' ♪ ♪ That kicked off Southwest ♪ ♪ Molly, Philly, Big Mama got it all ♪ ♪ Sunny and Natal, you're not Taco Bell ♪ ♪ってる me your old gut ♪ ♪ Cheap calls, chain, spoken baby, don't ♪ ♪ No beer in first class ♪ ♪ Daga, steady, pin the grass ♪ ♪ TFT, not JV ♪ ♪ What else do you want from me ♪ ♪ Beastie's up 2000, I guess ♪ ♪ And you keep complaining and they're never waiting ♪ ♪ Beasts of 2000, I guess ♪ ♪ And you keep on going ♪ ♪ 'Cause it's hard, he's loathing ♪ ♪ Tape on your bum who's too ♪ ♪ Definitely not a too rich man ♪ ♪ Poor man, Bollywood, Kaylin' ♪ ♪ Taxi's fish are Jeff Ross roast ♪ ♪ Eyes and then the dough posts ♪ ♪ Get his record from your face ♪ ♪ A Liberty apprentice ♪ ♪ Made a movie favorite tweets ♪ ♪ Red bracelet for reading beats ♪ ♪ Do his best, not your best ♪ ♪ Window of negligence ♪ ♪ He sold out Seattle's more ♪ ♪ Mangri isn't a liquor store ♪ ♪ What can he's complain about ♪ ♪ Mom is Janet Fregal ♪ ♪ Beastie's up 2000, I guess ♪ ♪ And you keep complaining and they're never waiting ♪ ♪ Beasts of 2000, I guess ♪ ♪ And if the mics we're gone ♪ ♪ It's still getting on and on and on ♪ ♪ And on and on and on and on ♪ ♪ And on and on and on and on ♪ - Yeah, rich banks where I'm guessing and assist from Mike Lynch. - That is their opus. - Absolutely amazing. - We should play that on stage in Fresno. - Yeah! - You can't even love that. That bear's repeated listening. 'Cause there's a lot, I need to unpack that song. - Yeah. - All right. There's Adam Crowell show up, so 2000. From February of 2017. That does it for Ace Crowell classics. If you've ever enjoyed any of Brian's work, his book, his journey with cancer, and all the, if you listen to the film vault, Brian created a podcast called The Film Vault, along with Anderson, back at the Love Line days. They tried to launch it as something called Real Beat. They did a pilot test episode back in 2003. And then in 2007, when the morning shows, which formats with Danny Boneducci added to the show, the free 2HD station they were trying to launch with high definition radio needed shows. And Brian and Anderson launched The Film Vault as a free 2HD exclusive. And that's how the show launched over 19 years ago. He's still doing it with Anderson till his day. If you've never became a listener, you may want to check that out. There's an entire archive of nearly 19 years of shows available. They have a Patreon. Brian still has the GoFundMe. It did reach the goal, but I'm sure they could use additional funds for whatever lives gonna throw at them. I'm sure Christie and Tessa really need to help. But if you wanna let them know that Brian's and your thoughts and prayers, I'm sure that'd be very helpful. I sent an email to Christie. Hopefully she was able to read it to him. We love you forever, Brian Bishop. I'm a hell and get it on, Paul Brian. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Hello and welcome to Pluto Fo. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Mean girls. Side up. Tighten it. Run the key in the world. Express nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV, stream now, pay never. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit PodcastOnePro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the podcast. Hello, and welcome to Pluto Fo. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Mean girls. Side up. Titanic. Express nothing. They're free 24/7. That is so fast. On Pluto TV, stream now, pay never.