Bryan Callen 2.0

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show, but first I wanted to let you know that I'm on my standup comedy tour, Ricky's on the loose, and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, DC, Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh, or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA, or Houston, Texas. My tickets are for sale now at rickglasmin.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to rickglasmin.com/tour, sign it from an email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick. Seriously, what are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show, the show, the show, the show, the show. Magic mind. Let it kick in quick or this is going to be a boring as fuck episode. I'll tell you that right now. I'm tired. Brian's going to come over and tell me how good he is a karate and that he could dunk. And I don't think I have it in me to give a fuck. Excuse me. Hello? You still want to do this? All the way here, what do you mean? All right, I'll be right out. Jesus. I'll be right out. You're back on the couch. It's been almost three years. Has it been that haunted? It will be in July, okay? Are you serious? Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. I know. If you do anything when you. Look at how cute your dog is. You're so sweet, baby. Hi, sweetie. I'm a baby girl. Boy. It's okay. It's a ornate woman, but. Yeah. Scoot. Do. Blevity blue. Scoot. Do. Oh yeah. Stay there. Where you at? Where you at? I love it, dude. I don't have the max, huh? I got a max. What a max. I got the sleep. I got the max. I like the max. Throw it over here, baby. Come on. Come on. You know the max. It's time released. I know all about it. I know all about it. I want you to do my acting off show in Austin. I want you to fly out. I'm coming up Austin. This episode will already come out, but I'm going to be there soon. So you know what it is? What we do? It's really fun. We do this thing where I have the I have comedians. I give them acting prompts. And now it's called trailer trash. And we have we take like a movie out of acting. Is it? We take a movie and we take the cliche moments of the movie. And I give you like an acting prompt where I go, you know, you're the reluctant hero. And you know, or how do you die? How well do you die in slow motion? How do you die in fast motion? You know, things like that. Can we do something more positive? Yeah. We can do whatever you want acting was. I can just tell you, I can keep telling you, you're like, I tell you about a mission. And you're like, you know, and in action movies, the hero is always, you know, he's kind of a long time retired. He lives on a farm. Now he's turned his back on the side of movies like that. You would go in. We need you. We need you one more. We need you for one more mission. The acting movies I go up for, though, for action are more like I'm the rookie who like they need you to come and teach me because they haven't seen somebody like you until me. That's good because I'm 29. That's good. I like that. Don't see your 29 because I don't know if that's true. You might be a little older than that. You know, I mean, I don't, I wasn't paying attention. I was getting a little nervous on how to intro you, give me one second, just Brian Callan credits. I know you did something of your gym teacher. The Goldbergs, dude. Yeah, but it wasn't there. Spinoff and then schooled. Yeah. And the hangover and mad TV and the hangover too in sex in the city. Yeah, you know, it kind of goes on and on. Yeah, you know, I mean, I like the way you sit. You're rather refined. It's been, it's been three years, three years in July. Wow. Wow. Last time you were here, nothing's changed in a good weather. Yeah. And I understand your podcast is growing since your episode came out. Yeah, you're welcome. Well, I don't call it causation. But well, I cause it's called it's called the bump effect. Causation correlation. Yeah, I gave it a bump. Okay. So I have Michael sitting at the other end of the room because he has a little bit of a cough that he keeps saying it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's not big deal. Okay. And he knows it's okay. But I don't know he's okay. So we're just putting him over there. This episode is sponsored by Florida. Florida. Just the one, just don't want to give him too many takes. That first one was good. You think so? I didn't talk over. You didn't we didn't try one more. Clarenna. Clarenna. Download the Clarenna app today and visit Clarenna.com to learn more. Clarenna balance. Clarenna balance account required to be eligible for cash back points. Oh, good. Was that it? Yeah. Clarenna. You got it. You got it. Yeah. Hi. Hey. Hey. This episode is sponsored by Factor Meals. Head to FactorMeals.com/tyso50off. And use code "tyso50off" to get 50% off and free daily greens per box. With new subscriptions only. While supplies last until September 27th, 2026. See website for more details. Ricky's on the loose. I am in Dallas, Irving, Texas this weekend in June. I'm in Washington, DC. July 22nd. I'm in Montreal for the Just for Last Comedy Festival in August. I'm at the Fringe Festival in Scotland, Edinburgh. I'm in London at the end of August in September. I'm in Portland and Eugene, Oregon. I'm also in Philadelphia in October. I'm in Houston. I don't believe that the London or the Edinburgh dates are up yet, but go to punchup.live/ricglassman. Sign up for my email list so I can be the you could be the first people to hear when those tickets are for sale. All right. Michael at Notchie.com, June 19th and 20th, New York City. You're in Austin now, huh? I'm in Austin. I'm in Austin. Here's the thing about Austin. When you go from Los Angeles to Austin, Los Angeles is a big city and there are different things in Los Angeles, aren't there? Oh, yeah, there's the. Well, there's the beach. There's everything. There's Griffith Park. Yeah. There's Manhattan Beach. There's Trubador. Venice. There's Santa Monica. There's different. And there's, wait, ready for it. There's everything to do, right? Everywhere. Austin tends to be downtown and then there's sort of a suburb everywhere. Are you familiar with Safe in Austin, the rescue animals, rescuing children? Non-profit? I don't, but I like children and animals. Yeah, they were featured on a season six of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which is something if the show is still on, you would be able to benefit from. I think you would actually be good on it. auditioned? Well, well, I was asked to audition for it because they were rather keen audition for a character for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It's Queer's Folk, I know, I know what you're saying. Oh, you're saying it. We're talking about different shows. I know, that was a show. I don't know about Queer's Folk. Oh, you don't? I've heard of it. Okay. Well, the character had to make out hard with a guy in the first pilot. As opposed to the second pilot? Yeah. Well, it was a lot of that. And you had to say very suggestive things. And I called my agent said, I'm not a homophobic man at all. It might be 10% gay, but I just can't get on a set, put on makeup. And then first thing in the morning, probably at 7 a.m. make out with a guy who's got a mustache. You understand? Not my thing. So it didn't go any further. What if the pay was a million in an episode? Okay. Now, now you're getting into an area that I think we should talk about. Okay. And I think it's not going to come. Do you want something else to drink? Probably some water. I have water, but I have some other options. Do you want to hear them or should we just go straight to the water? I go right to water. They're good options. They're high quality options. What are the what are the what are the options? Because I want to get into what I would do for money. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, look at that right there. This is new. Yeah. This is a new fridge. When you start making money, you get a little crazy, huh? Shout out to Rocco to be honest with you. It sends me for free. That's what happens when you start having influence. That's a Rocco fridge. Yeah, I think they're big fans of the pod. Well, they should be, but also that's a great fridge. Okay. It's what Rocco's motto is. Now, would you like some high quality tea? No. That you know why? It says Juni, and that's a little feminine for me. Interesting. Yeah. It's somebody when you would you want to drink it? We're going to get into that. If you say Juni tea, I feel like it's good for my Yoni, and I don't have it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take the still. Is that Abium? The still is Mount Valley. Give me the sparkling Abium. Merci beaucoup. Man, have you seen like you know how to surf? I really appreciate that. I was a waiter for a while. Well, excuse me, that was just this morning until you got here. Okay. Yeah. So right here. Back to what I do for money. I was thinking about this. Bill Gates, not my type, right? Physically? Yeah. Or you're more of a Mac guy, are you saying? I just don't know that. Always sunny. Yeah. I mean, if I had to choose, it would probably be someone who had ebb and very smooth ebb and skin, somebody from West Africa. Ebb and that means black. Yeah. Like ebb and knee and ivory. Sure. If I was a gay man, I think my type would be a darker. A Latin, Brazilian, something like that. No mustache, though. Afro-European kind of mix. No mustache. Because you said you don't want to make out what you got to the mustache. Yeah. I'm not a fan of hair anywhere, especially in my mouth. Okay. What do you do when you're eating hair? Well, so that's the problem as I can't do it. How do you get your protein? Well, so typically when you slay an animal in the wild, which I've done, when you slay it. Right. Sure. Yeah, I slay. I like to hunt the way my ancestors did, so I don't use a gun. I think it's cowardly. I use a sling or I tend to stalk with a blade. Do you do this for food or do you just for sport? I do it for food. I do it for life. I do it to take the animal's spirit into my breast. And I like to eat the animal there in the field. I dress it and I take it into my system because I can feel it. I can feel it's spirit. No. What I like to do is chase an animal for a while. Do you have any video of this? I do. I like to watch the animals adrenaline. I get it spiked. And then I slay the animal at peak, at peak chase. Why do you want the adrenaline in the body? You'd have to feel what it's like when you take that meat in. It gets saturated with red blood cells. The meat is kind of a fudge-like consistency. There's almost no fat. I take it in. Sometimes I carry with me a small jalapeno pepper, a small bottle of extra virgin olive oil preferably from Greece or Jerusalem. But I've eaten my fill, I leave it. I leave the animal for the elements or for other animals. I feel like what you're telling me right now is something that I've heard you say before. Not necessarily in that order, but it does seem like and pardon me for going right into serious talk. Yeah. But it does seem that you're selling something that you've been selling for a while. So I'm curious if you're still selling it because people are buying or because you're stuck with this thing and you have nothing to do with it. Because Brian, how old are you now? So I'm, I'm, you mean, like in biological terms or okay, what do you mean? So show business? What do I play? I can play anywhere from 30 to 40s. You think you could play 30? I don't know. You think you could play what I play? I think with what's called a soft filter. Right. Yeah. Yeah, especially if I had a glassman wig on. You know what I mean? A lot of, a lot of what holds me back is, yeah, so a lot of that, thank you, I can't believe that you have that. A lot of what holds me back is my hair, right? So and let's be honest, it, it ages me. I've, I've lost a lot of hair, but I want, I want you to pay attention. Have you thought about having hair surgery? Well, I have, I have. I've looked into it. I'm sure money isn't an issue for you. No, I make a fortune. But look, I want you to watch now what happens to my face, watch what happens to my face. So did you see how young I look all of a sudden? Isn't that crazy? Yeah. I don't know what I'm not. 30, but 40 or 50. Yeah. You could play 40. Yeah. If you had hair like that. All right. And that's what, what happens when you live essentially on wild game and you treat yourself to half a year when you've earned it. That's the only carbohydrate you eat is a half a year and some of that. I'll have some berries sometimes and a handful of pecans. You don't go to restaurants. No. Earlier today, you said that you were having dinner with James of the Magic Mind Corporation. Right. I love it, dude. I'm going to have dinner with him tonight. You're welcome to join. I'm actually having dinner with a couple of my friends where I would. Okay. He invited you. He loves you. Don't get in line. Are you going, are you hunting and cooking for him? Yes. Because that's interesting and I think for this podcast, I would like to see that so I could film it so we could put it in. I could reschedule with my friends and maybe I'll come with you guys. Right. Yes. There's not a lot of, so one of the things about hunting for me is I almost always ride alone. Right. When I say ride, it just me and I'm usually alone because it's hard to bring somebody who doesn't understand how to walk without breaking a twig under their feet. Right. Right. And you give off a certain scent. So it's going to be hard for me to close distance on. So you hunt the animal. What do you think you're going to, you're going to catch today? So in this case, I'm going to catch some shellfish down in a ballaboo. Yeah. Oh, so you're going. Shucks. Yeah. Where are the twigs that you're afraid of? I'm hearing. It's a good question. There is a lot of driftwood on the beach, so that the seafood here is when you're walking on the beach. I could walk on the beach and not step on the, well, I mean, I'm not just, I mean, sometimes it's funny. People fish. I love spear fishing. I love to get in there with a sharp stick and just, you know, cool. I would love to get some video of that. Yeah. I would love you to do that too, but you know, it requires a certain kind of camera. What do we need? Just a waterproof situation. I have waterproof cameras. Do you see them? Yeah. Huh. I'll check. Tides. Hmm. Speaking of water, Icelandic glacial is my new favorite. Really? Not a sponsor. I love it. And I've said this before and I'll say it again. Yeah. I would take a sponsorship just to trade for the water. I have a weird thing with water. Like the sunny water, I can't stand. And apparently the pH of your mouth has to do with how something tastes. Well, what do you think your pH is? I love Evian. I can drink it all day long. I can't drink to sunny water. Do you think if you weren't eating as much meat with adrenaline built into its muscles that maybe your palate would change? Maybe. Brian. Rick. Sorry. See what happens. Yeah. I know. Yeah. It really does make a huge difference. The air. Do you feel that youth is something worth chasing? No. I think the biggest, I am so tired of a culture that is all about your peptide stack, your workout regime, your sleep schedule, the supplements you're taking that are going to stay off the inevitable decay of the body. I'm exhausted with our culture. Do you think that's our culture or do you think that's a subculture that you're kind of in? It's a great question. I think it's a subculture, but it's a big subculture because like Ike's, sorry, Ike's, what is Ike's? It's a subculture of, it's a subway. Yeah, but no, it's different. The subculture we belong or that you can get very quickly into is all over the internet. There's the site, I mean human beings have always wanted to live forever, but I find it uninspiring when I hear people tell me about their precious morning routine. And I'm like, listen, I have kids. So all of that goes out the window. And what's really cool about having kids or what's really cool about, it used to be that we would always measure somebody on how much they gave, not how much they had. JFK. Is that is that a JFK quote? Ask not what you could do for your country because I'm sick of asking you to answer all these questions, it's, it's as not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country, something like that. It's true. You know, I don't, I'm tired of it. So your morning routine is, is all these things that optimize your biology. How about reading a novel that that's that's that's sometimes a people smoke and a cigarette? Well, sometimes that's people's evening routine, yeah, maybe not in the morning, but you know what I'm saying? Do you get, do you get weary of our culture? You get tired of this shit. I'd like to answer your question by answering a different question that's analogous to it. Okay. When people make sequels to movies years later, when the movie was great, it doesn't need to sequel or remake or even a reimagining, you could do on if you need to. No, I'm listening. Okay. I saw you do this. No, I'm loving where you're going with this. People say, there's an argument that says, don't you hate it like you're ruining the original. I don't see it that way. I'm not saying I want the sequel or I want the reimagining. I'm not saying I even have a take on it. Do it. If it's great, great. If it's not, it's not going to ruin this thing. So when people are waking up and they're not smoking cigarettes and they're not reading a novel, I'm not thinking why aren't you smoking and reading a novel, Mary, who you want to marry. Just don't shit in my toilet. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about this culture that never has us reaching beyond ourselves. And what I mean by that is that you live in a time when if you want to get people's attention, tell them how they can benefit from this, how they can live forever. You're just talking about sales, my friend. Yeah. It's just a new product, but it's the same intention. But it used to be that you, for example, maybe I'm, it used to be, though, that I think we were interested like a housewife in Kansas, Arizona was actually reading about the opera scene, the art scene in New York, just because it was something out there. And even though they had no relevance to them, there was a marketplace for that. And I don't think that market existed. Where are you getting this, where, why are you, where are you getting this vision of, of housewives in Kansas and Arizona, reading about the opera? I think because I'm noticing, I'm noticing a lack of generosity as the ideal. I'm noticing that the winners of our culture are people that are celebrated for having the most cars, the, the, the private jet, the shiny everything as opposed to, and I might be, I might be talking about a, a world that never existed in the first place. So there's that possibility here, but I'm going to say it anyway. And I think there's something wrong with that, which is this hyper consumerism versus reading about the opera. Yeah. It sounds like you want to make both the world and America dare I say. Yeah. Great again. Generous again. What's the difference? It's still MAGA. Make America generous again. Yeah. Do I sound like a liberal? Are you not liberal? I'm liberal. I think you are. I think you're liberal in a conservative body. Um, I believe in equal equality of opportunity. I'm, I'm, well, that's, that's, I'd be hopeless. Yeah. I'm a libertarian in a lot of ways. I'd be hopeless. I'm not going to, you know, I, obviously, I believe in gay marriage and I believe in all these things. So you believe that it's, it should be. I think it should be. I would, I, I, I, isn't that a little antiquated? Do conservatives not believe in that anymore? I mean, there's the, there's some people, but everyone, everyone wants to get married. No, I think there's a Christian, there's sort of a Christian nationalist sort of notion that, that would be, that in fact, separation of church and state is no longer desirable because it's gotten us into this swamp and that we have to get back to X, Y and Z. I think those people always existed. There's just more, there's just more stages for them to stand on. Yeah. You might be right. Yeah. I think that's a, that's a very good point. That's, that's a wise point. It, it may have always been thus. I understood everything, but the last word. I like to speak in, um, you know, medieval terminology sometimes. Yeah, it seems like, because I remember you said you like spearfishing, but I didn't realize that your hands weren't steady. I tend to shake spear. It's really good. Aren't you only supposed to fight your ankles like that when you see a pretty person? Or when somebody, somebody hits me with a pun that I wish I had written. And then they humble me and I go, oh, are you, uh, not that particular with your wishes? Because then you came up with a great pun and now you only have two wishes left. Yeah, you, you're, why are you only giving me three? I'm not giving you anything. I didn't see you come out of a bottle. I'm not the one giving you wishes. You're acting like a genie. You'd make a good genie. Yeah. It was down to me and Will actually for the, uh, live action Aladdin. Really? Yeah. Down to you and Will Saso. Will Smith. Really? Yeah. They said he's a bigger name. He is. So it was down to you and Will will not technically not a longer name. So you and Will Smith got down to the wire and they were still going off. They were auditioning when they offered it to Will. They were auditioning. I'm like, why? And then I ended up testing for it. I don't know if they ever really considered me, but I went in for it multiple times. Right. What was the audition like? They, uh, because you're looking over there. So sometimes I always feel like somebody's say it again. You can look right here. I was just because I have Will Smith's book right there. Got it. And Will Smith statue. No, I see that from, um, first prince. Huh. It was an audition. I got, uh, it was in Burbank and, uh, they, it was a weird, very low budget looking room. Like I remember feeling like, why am I not like on the Disney ladder? So I wasn't the, which is very close to the Disney lot. Yeah. And I went in a whole bunch of times and they were lap. Like they thought it was funny. I know they were laughing a bunch. They had me paint myself in blue. Really? Yeah. And then I went into this. You painted yourself at home and then came to the audition. They laughed and they said, we've come back and do this again tomorrow and each time they brought new people to come and watch. So I figured they were more network executives. Yeah. I don't know if, uh, so you would paint yourself blue. They asked me to. They asked me to say that we paint yourself blue and come, come here and, uh, saying you ain't never had a friend like me. I didn't know you sang. I've good enough. I'm not really, can you give us a, one jump ahead of the big guy, two leaps ahead of the sword. I steal only what I can't afford. It's really actually, straight red. I don't buy that. If only they look closer, would they see a poor boy, no, sorry. Wow. They find out there's so much more to me. Yeah. Good. I would have held it, but good. It's really good. I mean, it's fine. I had a voice coach. I also have been sick. Yeah. I'm not making an excuse. I'm not like unbelievably better. It's just the control. I don't have the control as much. It sounded great. I'd be honest with you. If there was you and will, I would have been a little bit. He's a bigger name. Yeah, but you sold me there. Maybe a lot of doors and turn the lights down. Jesus. You got the music on the soft and slow great range. Maybe we ain't got nowhere to go. I hope you understand. I've been thinking about this all day. I wish I had brought my fucking harp. Do you have a harp? I went. I was never felt of feeling quite in this room. Do you really play the harp? Yeah. I was varsity choir and I was the first harps. I was the first harp in our. There were multiple harps. Yeah. Well, I was and I was first. You were sick. We always have, you always stagger it. So the best harp is first harp. And then you have it's like first-chair harp. And then you have second-chair harp, third-chair harps. There were three. Yeah. The orchestra I was in was pretty harp-heavy. It was in high school though. No, I went on to do some pretty significant stuff. But you were talking about varsity. That's high school. It was in high school. I started in varsity harp and then I went on to do other things in college. I was offered that I could show. I was offered a scholarship, the harp scholarship in college. Offered, but you didn't take it? I chose not to take it. I didn't want to make harp. It's more of a hobby. But you said after high school you went on and you did a lot more. So you did it in college. I did it in college. Then why not take the scholarship? Because I didn't want to take away from a young. Close your legs a little. Harpest. Sorry. I know there's a lot going on there. What do you mean you don't want to take away from a young harpist? You were a freshman in college. I come from family money and yeah and I just thought it would be unfair because there are people that are poor and I come from. So you family pay for your college? Yeah. What do they make their money doing? My father was. I mean, he was an arms dealer. So we used to like to try to create a situation where both sides need the arms and we. Did you ever think about teaming up with the Mr. Potato Head Company? Kind of helped with my mouth. I think you're being sarcastic. Yeah, I was just being playful because they don't have arms. You know, I do trading cards, the previous guests. So here it goes again and. That's good pun. You could see that this Mr. Potato does have arms. That's a good pun. That's Eric Griffin. Yeah. These are cool. These are great. I want to take a look at some of them. Yeah. You see this? Yeah. Yeah. While you're taking a look at those, I'll let people know that if you want to check me out doing my hour rickies on the loose tour, rickglasmin.com to get tickets. I got lots of cities, lots of places and I'm adding more. If you go to rickglasmin.com and you go to my tour page, you could sign up for my email list because I'm still adding cities so I could notify you if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. Go to Brian.com for me because I'm going to be. Yeah, I'll be a Theorobine improv this weekend. What is this here? This is not going to be airing. I'm shelving this longer than I normally do. Yeah. I think this will be shelved for approximately one month. I'll be in, well, just go to Brian.com. I think I'll be in by that time Chicago at the Chicago improv. June four and five, I think four shows. Yes. Do you need an opener? Are you still loving? Are you Yes, yes. Well, if you want to open for Brian and Chicago send him message on what do you use? Email, carry your pigeon. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Michael, how you feeling today? Great. So far terrific. I think you're being so far on the other side of the room because of how much you've been coughing and stuff. It's fine. Yeah. Michael keeps telling me it's fine and he's trying to reassure me and I keep saying, "Michael, you can't reassure me because you don't have that information." And because I've gone to therapy, I've learned to communicate saying, "Hey, Michael, I don't need to hear that. I don't need to hear that. I don't need to hear it. You keep coughing and saying, "It's not contagious." And you're sneezing and you're coughing. And you're like, "It's not contagious. It's fine." It's like, "You don't know that." You know what? Maybe I do need to talk to my therapist. Hi, I'm Rick Glassman from The Take Your Shoes Off Podcast. And if you know me at all, you know, "I'm a fucking therapy guy." What I love about therapy is you have somebody that you could talk to that help find patterns that you might not recognize existed in your life. You could talk to people that don't have the bias of just there to gas you up and support you and say, "Yes, King, fuck that chick. She's nothing but trouble. Hey, I know you're trying to support me and reassure me, but I'm not looking to hear what makes me feel good. I'm looking to hear what could help me grow. What could make me be better?" You get matched with a licensed therapist. And if you don't sync up with that therapist, change their therapist that no cost to you. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/Taiso. That's BetterHelpHELP.com/Taiso. You know what meal delivery services are, right? Yeah, I've been around those. Yeah, so Factor Meals is a very good one. In fact, I get it for my mom about four meals a week. She loves it. She goes like this after she eats it. She goes, "It's like I'm eating in a restaurant." Can you actually get me a subscription? Let me why not? Send it to my house. Do you mean you want me to pay for it? Yeah. Yeah, I would give it a try for you. 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Until September 27th, 2026, see website for more details. I'm going to buy a bag. Yeah, let's get a bag, stay until 6am. No, not that kind of bag. I'm in a bag because we travel a lot and I travel a lot. And I want a bag that can carry a lot of my stuff as well as my laptop. And I found this bag, a north face that I really like. Let's say I want to buy this, but I want to be able to pay in four payments, interest-free over the next two months. Well, when I check out, I think I might choose clarina, but this one is zero interest. Continue. Brilliant. Dude, I want to get a dope bag. I'm going to get a dope bag. Like a big one? Yeah, like where I could keep like, yeah. Is it clarina that offers flexible payment options? Yep. It allows users to split their purchases into four interest-free payments. So that can help me improve my cash flow management? Yep. And there's no fee payments when you pay on time. Is it secure or is it fast because you can't be both? 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Download the Clerna app today or visit. Clerna.com to learn more. California resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California finance law license. It's NMLS number one three five three one nine zero. Clerna balance account required to be eligible for cash back points. Limitations turn, take conditions apply. I wish we had pigeons. Well, now you have one wish left and you have a pun in pigeons that already exist. That wasn't allowed. Fuck. I'm just saying, language is important. Yeah, but I didn't want to. Thus, we'd not forget. I get one more wish. I've got to be careful. So what are you going to ask? You're going to ask me something. Are you enjoying stand-up and are you doing a lot of touring? I'm loving stand-up more than have ever loved it, Mr. Callan. Good. You know, I'll go back to stand-up in a moment. I call you Mr. Callan at a sign of respect. Thank you. I was at a grocery store yesterday at the hot bar and a gentleman, or at least I'll call him that, said something to me and he said, sir, and I, not offended in the slightest, but recognizing the trope of, oh, sir, don't call me, sir, I'm, you know, I'm a teenager just like you. I said, well, I was holding my dog, Alvin. I said, you hear that, Alvin, look at the respect we get. I'm a sir now. Yeah. Making the same joke. If I'm this old man, he must be and I said, thank you so much, little boy. And I said that to him. Maybe he's, I don't know, I'm guessing age, but he's 23, you know, and he goes, little boy, I don't think he got what I was saying. Right. Also, the stakes are so low. I didn't feel the need to be like, oh, I was only saying that because of blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But I was aware of, it was one of those moments that I thought about until we parted ways and still and remembering it. I don't think I, if I could do it again, I wouldn't have said little boy, based on how we received it. Normally, when I do something, I believe in what I say and I want them to receive it well. Right. But if they don't, it's just operational cost. That was one of those moments that I haven't felt in a while, which was, I don't need to say that. And I, I'm not in touch with exactly why. But I think, well, you'll get that more because, you know, as people listen to your podcast, start to rely on it for humor and just make their days a better your podcast, right? Or your standup. And they'll start relying on it because you're, you know, what we're in the business of doing. I love how comedians get hate. It's hilarious with these losers that make money off of whatever they can do. Because I'm not, I know that because Reddit and Fighter in the kid has a series of issues, but I don't get any hate. No, you don't get hate. But I mean, I'm saying you'll see, you'll see, there's just, there's a, there's a subset of people on the internet that love, what I, the point of making is that comics spend all their time just trying to make people laugh. As far as I concerned, it's all I've ever done, you know, and it's, it's, it's, what happens is, no matter what, the bullshit that you might get, when you, when I'm on the street and I'm a certain age, I get people that are, they, they, they, they grew up with me. They've watched a lot of stuff. In the city, all of it, they just go like this. They go, they go, they just go, that's an OG. That's it. Like you get respect. You called Mr. Callan sometimes hilarious. You're a coach in A.P. Bio. It's like coaching in the Goldbergs. Okay. What was the spin off? Schooled. Did you make more money in school than in A.P. Bio? Yeah. Because you were the, one of the main guys, or because you break out higher with that network. Yeah. Well, it's just, it was a spin off of the character. Did you get more than 150,000 in episode? No. Did you get more than 100,000 in episode? No. Did you make 100,000 in episode? No. A little less than that. I think 75. Can't remember. And then do you have to pay your agent in manager? Do you not have those? Yeah. I had a, I had an agent. That's, that was it. An alloyer? No. So you, I've always, so 67.5 is what you walked away with. Yeah. And then there's taxes. Right. Yeah. So per episode, you're probably walking away with your netting around 40. Probably. How many episodes? Think I would have to look. One season, two seasons. We did one season. 13? Yeah. No, 22, I think. Really? Yeah. I think so. Was it two? So that's $880,000 net. What did you do with that money? Put it in my house. Like, like in your closet or you bought new cupboards? I put it in toward the mortgage. Toward all of it. Yeah. So it's not paid off your house. You owed more than $880,000 at the time. Yeah. Yeah. But I put a lot in. How much is your house cost? I bought my house for back in the day. I was making a lot of money and I paid a little, it was too expensive. I overstretched. 3.5. No. 2.8. 2.8, I think. Where? Santa Monica. Do you still have that house? Because my ex does. Give that to remind me the name of the show. Schooled. Goldbergs. And the school. Yeah. Is there some type of irony that all the money from schooled went to somebody who schooled you? I don't look at it that way. I don't know what you're talking about, dude. Shakespeare. Just the tragedy comedy. Yeah. That's good. That's very good. Have you done any hunting? I haven't. I'm trying to think that even though it's an opportunity, but I understand what it is as animals that us that hunt. I am not somebody who because I wouldn't, I don't eat deer. - Why not? - Items don't. I don't eat cheese. I mean, there's lots of things I don't eat. - Don't eat cheese. - No. - That's my favorite food. - Well, are you a meat eater? - I am, but I'm very specific with my meat. And the meat I eat actually doesn't need hunting. - So wait a minute. - In fact, it's overly farmed, and I have a moral dilemma with it. Pretty much just chicken and beef. - I get that. I think it's way more humane to hunt an animal. - I think it's also more sustainable. And I think if that's what you're doing, and that's what everyone is doing, there wouldn't be the industry that is so cruel to these things. - Yeah, I hate that. No, it really grosses me out. - I know the problem is that you, without factory farming, without industrial style farming, people would starve. I know that the problem is we have so many people and getting carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. But I know it's hard without it. Culturally, the world would be different so they wouldn't starve. And people would be needing to get their own foods or there would be stuff that was more local. Do you know what I mean? It's not that. - You'd be at the mercy of crazy things, like weather and all kinds of stuff. Like the problem is that the industrial scale, it's an inevitable thing. You know, we always talk about family farms, right? Here's what would happen. So I would always try to buy from family farms and I was like, "Fuck, big food." I was always that way. Problem is that when you have family farms, some farm, some family farms would just be way better at producing food. It's just how the world goes. They would just figure things out. They'd be better at it. They'd be more organized. And then what would happen is the other family farm wouldn't be able to sell eggs at the same price this family farm was because they were making more. So they would have to be like, "Damn, we're not making money." And then this family farm would come over and go, "Hey, guys, we're talking about all small business in general." - Right. And they would go, "Let us buy your farm." This is what happens. They'd go, "Really? Okay. I guess we have to because we're behind the run." They'd buy that and all of a sudden, what would happen? You'd get these giant farms. - But how is that any different than people who sell pants? - I think with food, the most important thing is you've got to keep the cost of food at a constant. So when I go to buy eggs tomorrow, I have to make sure they don't go from $7 to $15, right? Like otherwise, we can't run a society that way. I got to feed my kids and stuff like that. People can't afford it. So one of the first things you see is what is food cost? And the biggest political liability for any party or any candidate is foods now more expensive. What are you gonna do about it? - So there are community centers and things that are based on like farmers markets, for example. There's a farmers market in this town, and in that town, and in that town, and people travel around and stuff. But what if we all had villages, and in this village, we got our eggs from this place, and in that village, they got the eggs from this place. What about that? - Try doing that in Minnesota in the winter time. - I don't even eat eggs. - Okay, a lot of things go in the eggs. - Yeah, but a lot of things go. The food that we rely on, the grid, but in Minnesota, they don't need eggs, because that's not where, unless, I don't know how chickens work in Minnesota, maybe they have chickens in the summer and spring. - Well, we figured out how to do that. - Don't they have indoor farms in Minnesota? - Yeah, we figured it all out. We figured all that stuff out, but that requires to slaughter the baby-- - It's a thousand things. - The slaughter of the baby male chickens. - It's a thousand things, yeah, it's a thousand things. - Why do we need to kill the baby male chickens? Because they don't make eggs, and we don't eat them. - And they need to learn. - I just think it's cruel. - I get it. - And I think you going out there and killing a deer, I also think it's cruel, but I think it's, it's, I don't know what the word is I'm looking for. It's natural. - So I've been hunting, it's impossible to hunt. It's impossible to be a good hunter, which I'm not, but I've been, I've hunted with great hunters, master hunters. It's impossible to be a good hunter. I'm not talking about sitting in a tree blind. I'm talking about when you stalk an animal, you go somewhere in the wild. - It's impossible. - It's impossible. - Yes, it's impossible to be a good hunter without having respect for the environment and the animal, and more importantly, not just respect understanding of animal behavior. And the environment it lives in. - Would you say this goes for hunting animals as well as if you're out looking for a mate without an understanding of the environment and empathy and respect. It's going to be tough to capture that mate. - That's, that's an interesting question because most relationships probably are a reflection of you. Most of the time, you're probably working something out when you're younger. - With yourself. - I think being in the relationship. - Yeah. - I'm saying getting the phone number, getting the first date. - I don't know, that's a good question. It's a good question because like I would say, what is your mindset when you are most of this, like we live in a time, another problem I have with our American culture is that the relationship between men and women is antagonistic. It's hostile. It's a competition. It's almost like, it's almost like this idea of what do I have to do to get you in bed? So you, both people are putting on a character. The man is either acting hyper-competent, provider-protector, the girls acting hyper-cure-in-version. - Like, for example, or pretending that you're hunting all the time and-- - All that shit. - Isn't that how you make your living? - Hunting. - Talking about it. - I'm trying to get away from that man. (laughing) - That's your being serious. Are you being serious? - I kind of am because I'm tired of me and I'm tired of talking about that stuff. You're very, very good at it. - Yeah. - I don't think you ever need to stop. - Right. - If you're feeling that, I think, not knowing you well enough, but recognizing that perspective, it's not getting away from it, but it's adding on to it. - Yeah, I think I'm adding on to it. Well, I'm still 15, I'm 59, and I'm still hung up on the same shit. What's that about? Like, I'm not supposed to, I'm supposed to be wise. Like wisdom, I should be sitting here looking at you and you're going, a tree grows as fast as a tree grows. Does it not my son? And you should be like, whoa. But the thing is, you have that in you. That's actually crazy, because it does. - It does. - Yeah. - But you didn't know to say it, because something else was taking that space. - Right. - There's an old proverb, adverb running Lee. - It's a proverb. - Proverb. Now, you may have heard it, but the people at home who haven't allowed me to, are you sure you don't have to, you on? - Yes. - Okay. - I get my sleep. - Two mice fell in a bucket of cream. One mouse was churning, you know, like, trying to get out and churning it. And the other mouse just gave up and was just like, and he was almost, he was like, starting to go under the cream. Now, the mouse that kept churning, turned that cream into butter and saved the mouse that wasn't doing anything. But that mouse was like almost like, kind of like a losing quicksand. - Yeah. - The mouse is like this. - Right. - And only its mouth, its mouse sticking up and its body was under the cream. So the one mouse, he gets up. So like, keep churning, do you got to keep paddling? - You got to keep paddling. That's right. There's a Swahili saying, - Those are the men that you're attracted to, correct? - Yes. Now, the Swahili are, Swahili is spoken in Tanzania and parts of Kenya. That's East Africa. All right. Some of your viewers may not be up on African topography. But Swahili and this is saying, I think it might be a massage saying, I don't know if the massage speaks Swahili, but either way. - They don't. - They don't. The saying is, if you are a lion and you wake up, run fast. If you are a gazelle, if you don't go to sleep, you'll run faster. - Run fast, run fast. - Run fast, always run fast. - Evolution does not happen without threat. - Yeah, that's right. - The strongest do not evolve, which then ironically would make you wonder, are they the strongest if they cannot be malleable? - So now you're getting into a great question. Strength is measured with different metrics. As men, we tend to measure strength with one metric. Sorry, but that's because I'm, I'm starting dominance. - We are trying to change. - I am. - Thank you. We measure strength with usually something like the stock market, the roaring stock market, the NFL, the biggest guns and the biggest muscles. - That's so funny because. - But there are different strengths, right? - Only one of those do I connect to. - Right. What is the one? - Biggest muscles. - Yes. - But I don't think of the NFL. Well, the NFL is a dominant sport, right? It's like, I'm saying that it's a game of inches. It's like, there's an American ideal to strength. F-35s, F-15s, aircraft carrier. You know, here we come, baby, eagle. You know, dominance, the overlord above, all that stuff. That is part of the, it's part, it's the Roman ethos. But there are other strengths. - Emotional intelligence. - Yeah, or how about turning the other cheek? How about love your enemy? How about forgiveness? How about a mother, a single mother, working with a three, working three jobs? That's strong, right? And so there are certain things that we forget about. So you have to measure out strength. - We're not a mother who is not single, but she's the provider and the father tends to the children at home and she's still working three jobs. - Yeah, the father's a pussy. - Depends on how you measure strength because wouldn't you say, a homemaker, somebody who takes care of three kids, make sure they get up in the morning. Yes. Somebody with four kids, I can tell you. So do you think women are pussy? No, I'm joking. No. No. I always laugh when, if you don't see how hard it is, like so my wife now has a two-year-old and a four-year-old. Those are my children, right? I have a 14-year-old and an 18-year-old, but the amount of work it takes. So your wife has three children with you? My wife has, my first wife, two kids, my current wife, two kids, she has three children. She has two kids. Two, sorry. A two-year-old. So it's my first wife with my, you son of a bitch. That's where I was going. And I am a silly goose, but you're right. That was the emotional intelligence. That's my strength. But women, so that's interesting because women tend to have to do a lot of things. I always say that when a woman is you get older and you see how a woman has to raise kids, there's the thing nobody knows. Women have to like keep those children alive and then they're not going to do it. You know what women do? To keep those children safe from harm, they have to imagine all the ways that kids get hurt in every environment. They're noticing things you and I would never notice. How many outlets are not covered? How many sharp objects are there? Is there a gun in the house? Is there a nervous dog? They're looking at a thousand things. We don't look at any of that. And not only that, they have to also manage moods in the house. Their husband's in a mood. They have to absorb that. Their kids. You're trying to get in on this with your with your feminine energy. You have very nice teeth. Thank you. Those are very straight teeth. Thank you. What's going on there? I've always had such a straight top. I feel like my mouth is similar to my sexuality straight on top. Clean and straight. A little dirty on the bottom. Wow. And white. Great. Now, women, tell me if you'd agree or disagree that women during their loodial phase, they're not really looking at outlets as much as they're looking at my big black cock. Agree or disagree. And why? Okay. So apparently when women ovulate, when they're ovulating, they're looking for a more masculine man, a stronger jaw, a different scent, more symmetry, broader shoulders, aggression, these things that kind of like our caveman, prototypical sort of like an idea of or breathing or breathing with the biggest strong, which is what's the difference between breathing and safety. It's just about surviving. That's right. And then when they're on the pill, apparently, I don't believe in it. I believe it exists. I think it's terrible. Well, apparently it changes their olfactory system. So they're not able to smell. It messes with their smells. They tend to be more attracted to a beta, safer male. Here's the problem. This is one of the biggest problems that they'll never tell you. And I've heard really, really smart therapists, couples therapists will tell you this. And I don't care. They might not admit. The woman's on the pill you could fart. It's not that. Thank you for that. But no, I like the way your scientific brain works. Women will tend to marry a man that is, they're attracted to this other man. But that guy might be too unpredictable, a little too dangerous to high value, whatever. You. Here. Me. And they'll find the guy who's more, yeah, a little bit like that. There you go. Do you want me to make you, and I know it's late and we're going to bed soon. But I really want to snack. I was going to make an almond butter sandwich. Do you want me to make you one? And so I don't have to put the top bread on it. God, that's such a good beta male, dude. You're such a good actor. Yeah, that's good. Look at that. And what happens is she ends up, and if she does marry the guy who, now give me, give me alpha. Give me alpha. I need to think about that for a second. Dude, come on. Just feel it. Okay. Let me see your tits. Wow. Okay. That seems kind of. Your tits. Wow. That seems super aggressive. But all right. Do you want me to turn it down a little bit? I'll go with that a little bit. Hey, honey, I really want some Italian, and I'm not in the mood to make anything. And I'm not in the mood to watch you do anything other than smile. We're going to go over to Maggiano's. I'm buying. I'm going to play home. If you have room for dessert, suck my big, black dick. Jesus Christ. That's a, that's a pretty, okay. So, okay. Freeze. Now, she goes, geez, he's such a take control caveman, what a, kind of an asshole. Now what she does is she has kids with that guy. Now here's what a lot of therapists will tell you. She then just like, what if he takes that aggression and turns it back on me and my children? Right. So I got to get that aggressive. They're young. I got to get that aggression out of my, that guy. And she'll find a way to beat that aggression or just get it out of the man. So she'll just suck him dry. Whatever it is. But then all of a sudden, the man gives up and he's like, I don't want to fight. I don't want to do this. Like in commercials where the hop, mom and the ugly dad and the mom is telling the ugly dad, what the fuck are you using those type of paper towels to clean up the counter? Use bounty. There you go. There you go. There you go. Yes. That's aggressive. Well, maybe she's now because she's up. She's the opposite. She's the opposite. She's the opposite. She's the opposite. And she's taking some testosterone. Or she just figured out that that is what keeps her husband. Because she's smart. Because she's looking at me. Now guess what happens then? She's no longer attracted to him. She doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. And the marriage goes away. It's like a man who like feels like, you know, he doesn't want to be with a woman who's just not that it isn't her right. But he doesn't want to commit to a woman who's just sleeping with tons of partners all the time. And she's a bit of a fucking coup, right? And then she becomes this maternal, making stew and doing these things. And like, I'm not attracted to this fucking tub of shit anymore. Where's my fucking slut? Where's my choux toy? Yeah. That's exactly right. That's the problem. And a lot of guys come in with a culture. It's crazy. It's crazy. The culture is like, you know, woman, your, the wife has to be this pure, original human which I don't believe in. Not a complex. That bullshit. But at the end of the day, you want a whore, right? And so you're not going to marry a whore. A lady in the streets, a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed, all that bullshit, right? You the whole. The biggest problem is that it's, it's all, you're already into a relationship. You're entering into a relationship with a, with it's all a lie. You know, the problem is, you know, the problem is, we're not entering the relationship. Our subconscious is. And the problem is in that we didn't get to know our wife or our husband. The problem is we didn't get to understand the way we see the world. And that's why I believe in this. You can't love somebody else until you love yourself, but that's not just some foofoo shit. It's because you can't love yourself until you understand yourself. We need intention. And without it, we're just fucking animals right now. How do you get to know? How do you get to understand yourself asking questions all the time? Why do I feel that way without having the pressure of needing to be able to zoom in close enough? But to know, why am I, why am I make, why am I, why am I even asking the question, buddy? I say it all the time, answers are easy, questions are hard. The great Joe Rogan said something to me one time. I never forgot. Joe Rogan from the podcast guy. The guy who's a podcast. Yeah. He's huge. He's got the, he's huge, he's a comic. He's a podcaster. He's a martial artist. There's a lot. He's a hunter in that order. The great, the great Joe Rogan. Yes. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll hit you to his podcasts. I'm, I'm, I'm familiar with it. And he said to me one time to do it in his voice. No, I'm not good at, I'm not good at the Joe Rogan impression. Even though I know him so well, I've known him 30 years. Could you do it in his energy? He said, he's more alpha than me. He said, I, he was, he was talking about relationships. And he said, I don't have any interest in ever controlling anybody's behavior that I'm in a relationship with. I don't want to, I'm, I will never try to control your behavior. Whether it's his wife, whether it's his girlfriend, whatever it was, he, and I never forgot that I went, wow, that takes a lot of pressure off. Like I don't want to control your behavior. And then I took that with me. Like whether it's my wife, whether I'm not, I never would try to control her behavior. I'm not going to tell, I don't want to hurt a lie to me. I don't want her to present a character, like a virginal character, an automaton, like a woman who treats my masculinity as if it's some kind of like, like, Fabricia Hague. What's it called? I've got him. An automaton is like just like, almost like a robot. Who does your bidding? All of that's a lie. These men, so the manosphere that wants a woman is going to make his sandwich and shut the fuck up all that stuff. You don't know what you're talking about. That's not what you want. And here's why you don't want. First of all, it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. The virgin you're looking for doesn't exist. The woman is pure of heart doesn't exist. There she's a human being without, she's a spectrum. She's got a sinner and a stoner and everything else in between. Because so do you, you fucking idiot, okay? That can have all. Here's the other problem. Yeah, I'm treating you like you are. Here's the, but that whole relationship is a lie and you don't want it because as you get older you realize that shit will get hard in your life no matter who you are. You will be faced with major challenges and you don't want to go through that shit alone. You want to be able to look to a partner and be like, "Hey, I don't know what to do here. I might need you." And you want somebody who's strong and intelligent. You want somebody who's been through some shit. And you're not your past. Oh, that's the other thing. You ain't your body, you ain't your body count. That's, hello? A million dollars? Call me when you're serious. Sorry. What was that for? It was for me. I just, I'm just, that's how I start every negotiation. Oh, I'm saying what, what was it negotiating for? They want me to fucking do an appearance. For a million dollars? What's the appearance? It's like a big thing and Dubai. [XBOX SOUND] Why'd you do that? Anyway, I was on, I was on a rant. You should have music. You should be overlay music when I start dropping crazy pearls. But you must not watch my podcast. Okay. Why do you say that? Because we always put music under when people drop pearls of wisdom. Good. And we actually play Oasis's pearls of wisdom. Good. It's my favorite song. Pearls of wisdom, pearls of wisdom. That's what you have to get out of life, you know. You know, pearls aren't created within a clam. Yeah, they are. No. How do you know? Because pearls are a man-made illusion that were created by the marketing campaigns of Tiffany and Coe in 1938. And before pearls were jewellery, they were just a byproduct of waste. I love your random knowledge because I'm into that stuff too. You're a little bit of an FYI machine and I appreciate it. You're a little bit of an FYI C machine from what I hear. What is this scene for your consideration because of all the work that you've done? Now, I made up that pearl thing just now. You did. I did. But that's the thing. That's all made up, man. Yeah. That's the point I'm making. Yeah. Think of any number, multiply it by two. Okay. Now it's twice as much. But if you thought of that number originally, that would have been just one X. Yeah. You go to a store and you see these pants for $30. So you go, that's a cheap pair of pants. You go to a store and say, these pants are $500. They're giving away two pairs of pants because they want people to be able to wear them around. They're doing some campaign. They can't do it for free because they're trying to cover the cost of the employees. But these are only $30. You're going to buy them. If I see a pair of pants that are $500, they better have been made on a shuffle loom. They would better be Japanese denim and that dye better be indigo, okay? Not fucking blue, not black, but fucking indigo. But if all the other things were true, but the dye was blue and the pants are awesome. Get the fuck out of here. But those $500 pants are on sale for $30. I'll buy them. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Mom sometimes get stuff and instead of telling me what value the thing has to offer, what she does say, but she often would let me know the deal that she got on it. This was only this much. My mother does that. Shout out to Davis Bakery and Cleveland, Ohio, one of the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had. The secret, I'm sorry if I'm putting this out there, I think is a little bit of almond flour. Really? Yes. You think that's the secret? I don't think you're right about that. I don't think we eat cookies for their almond flour. But I resent that that's what you think is the magic of almond flour. It's almond flavor. The almond flavor, whatever it is, it's almond-y in a way that you don't taste in a chocolate chip cookie. It's really good. And there are no almonds in there. I don't know. I'm sure there's got to be some almonds, something. That's why I mistakenly suggest that almond flour. So it was the almond taste you like. I mean, you go to a place that is a great burger and they have fried onions on top and you talk about the fried onions. I don't mean to take away from the burger itself. I know, but it's a chocolate chip cookie. So when I eat a chocolate chip cookie, I'm thinking of chocolate. I'm not thinking of almonds. There's a, there's some, it's a distinguishing flavor profile in this cookie that isn't exclusive to this bakery, but it is something where I recognize it. What is this? What is this? And I realize, oh, it's almonds. It's good. Yeah. Not the point. The point is, if you buy a dozen, you get a half a dozen free. Twelve cookies gets you 18 cookies. Yeah. Eleven cookies gets you 11 cookies. So if you were to have 11 cookies by 12, get the 18. My thought isn't how much of these cookies are going to cost. My thought is, what's the cost of eating all these cookies? So if I have 18 cookies at home, I'm eating 14 cookies, my dad will eat four like that. So you can do that. I can eat one cookie and I go, oh, yeah, and I'm similar with alcohol. I'm sure it'll change. What do you mean? As I get older, I'm sure it'll change. Yeah. But I eat, I could open a bag of chips that's a little travel bag or a full bag. I'm not eating an X amount of chips. I'm eating an X amount of bags. I'm gonna push the bag. So you'll, can I, if I open, if I had a, here's a chocolate cake, I, when you, when do you reach your saturation point, pain, like pain, really, unfortunately, wow. Yeah. So, so I love Tollhouse cookie dough and I love Tollhouse cookies, okay? I'm talking about butter. I'm talking about brown sugar. I'm talking about regular sugar. Yeah. I'm talking about vinyl extract. I'm talking about whipping that shit up and I'm putting those chocolates in the sugar and the extractor. Are you saying that's what's in the chocolate? I'm saying that's the whole thing. It's a Tollhouse. There's nothing like Tollhouse chocolate chips, okay? The problem is I'll eat two large tablespoons and then I feel sick. You're right. Well, that's your stopping point. Yeah. But you, that takes you 14 cookies. It depends on the cookie. By the way, go to tollhust.com/ticer to get 15% of your first order plus free shipping. Put up a lower third during this. I love treats. You do. I do. And the problem is I'll eat them. So give me a treat. Give me your five top favorite treats. In no particular order. Yeah. No particular order. Apple fritters. Apple fritters. Apple glazed. Apple glazed french fries. Donuts. Well, have you had the ones at Sidecar? The Maple Blade. The Maple Blade. Jesus. They're so good. Go to sidecar.com/ticer for reviews. I'm a good person. But I have a lower third. I get so many spots. Sidecar donuts are so fucked up. Donuts are so good. Donuts are so good. There's a hot take. Talk about donuts. People talk about donuts. They go, no, you got to go to this place. You got to go to this place. Yeah. Fuck off. Dude, what you're selling me is on your ego and on the donut. Agreed. Because if this donut was made within 24 hours, that same thing with the wings and pizza. Go fuck yourself. I don't agree with pizza, but I respect your opinion. No, there's some great pizzas. The Delta on bun. There's big. There's big. There's big difference. That's fair. A donut. You're talking a difference between a nine and a 9.5. Well, the voodoo donuts. They've got that big voodoo donut. That whole fritter is so good. Yeah, it's so fucking good. It's so good. I had one not even a week ago. Yeah. In fact, I was with a friend of mine, and I just wanted to see Project Hail Mary. Okay. Did you know that there's only, I'm getting back this back. Yeah. There's only 19 theaters in the country that have a proper IMAX screen. God. What? One of them in Los Angeles is near voodoo donuts. I saw Project Hail Mary with a good friend of ours, I believe, of mine, at least Eric Griffin. Love Eric. Fantastic movie. Love Eric. I love voodoo donuts because I'm there and I love their apple fritter. Yeah. There was enough of a line to where I decided, I don't have the alphanine in me. Yeah. You know, so I didn't want to wait in that line. Yeah. Put it the lower third. Magic mine. Magic mine. However, I thought to myself, let me use this as a sign to not get the donuts. I don't need this. So I left. Seed was planted, friend. I get home. Friend of mine is over. I just, I really want it. Instead of just getting one or two apple fritters there, I decided to order delivery. Yeah. And when you order delivery, you have a fun. Yeah. I got six donuts. Yeah. And some of the donuts are very, very big. And I know this feeling where you get in your head and it's, it's the only thing you can think of. It just is. I have to have to. It's, it's really. It's. It's cross. It's cross. We feel, we, we falsely feel it's a need. It really goes into your brain as it's something you need. Just hold that for a sec. You know what I do with those? Now, you know what I do? I sit with that need and watch it dissipate. I get really interested in it. It's a form of meditation. I'll literally key into the craving and I watch myself go through the craving, like I literally will isolate the physical phenomenon that's going on in my body for the craving and what happens is I watch it kind of dissipate into something else. That's keep going. Brilliant. Yeah. I mean that. Yeah. Yeah. I have a version of that that isn't as successful is I, I have a conversation with Rick in 10 minutes or Rick tonight or Rick tomorrow. And I try to talk to them and I try to say, Hey, buddy, here's what I want to do. And I try to have what will he say back? And I've been in the situation enough to know how I'm going to ask you a prep found question now. What question? Okay. I pre-found question. That's a very interesting thing you do because guess what? Someone is talking to Rick. Someone is talking to Rick right now. And that would be a witness to Rick. That's the witness to Rick. You're saying the future Rick is witnessing Rick? Yes. And the future Rick is not future. The future Rick is right here. He's not, but he doesn't have the same mindset right now. Yes. Right. But the future, the Rick here is watching the Rick now and going, Hey, I know it's how I can, I'm watching your physical body. I'm watching your psyche and I'm watching your emotional body. I'm watching you go through a craving. I get what you're saying. Yeah. What you were saying then basically. Yeah. And you are, you are, that is the beginning of what's called meditation of mindfulness, of consciousness, of the idea that this avatar that goes through all these sensations is not you. You want to do a really weird thing? Watch. So you're, you're listening to me, right? Where's Rick? Pete Holmes just did this with me. This is what meditation is. Really? Well, the idea would be, we, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. No, but the idea is the self, yourself that you call Rick, Rick is the guy who, there's, a Brian, there's a, there's a, the beginning and end to Brian, I, I, I protect these dimensions, my cubic space, there are borders to Brian, he has all these ideas of who, who he is, what he will do, what he won't do, what, what sets him off, what makes him happy, all that stuff. Okay. That whole thing might just be the avatar that, that, that I can observe. Hmm. Well, who is me? So where are you hearing me from? Where are you seeing me from? Where is the seat of your attention right now? behind your face. Try to locate yourself. Try to locate where Rick Glassman, or wherever that is. And what about this guy Rick Glassman? Try to locate who that person is. Where is the witness that can witness you right now going through all the physiology and listening to me is? Where is that person? Is it only one person? It might be that the self is an illusion. It might be that this self we protect with tooth and nail is an illusion, or at least not the real you. That is maybe either something that I, that is outside of my pay grade at the moment. No, it's not because you do it. It's not. The idea. You know why I say that? I've been an illusion. No, you're only saying that because in your mind right now you went, oh, that would take a long time for me to get to understand. Well, because what I'm feeling is I don't agree with that. And what I'm also feeling is I don't agree with something that I don't fully understand. So I can't make that choice that is wrong, just that I don't subscribe to it at least yet. But can you, can you conceive of the idea that you could actually, so say you got scared right now or angry, right? You can conceive of the fact that you can, you can, you can sort of step back and watch your body go through this. You're a cloud of sensation. I feel that you feel that. I feel like what I'm having negative thoughts and feelings. I do recognize that that it's I, I think of it as like when you're, when you're drunk, some people aren't aware that they're drunk and some people are aware that they're drunk. Their body and the chemicals are still feeling this thing. Yeah. But you're able to have that voice that say, oh, this is what's happening at this moment. This isn't a definition of things. That's the closest I could get to that. So I could, I, but that's the beginning. So that's, it's the beginning of something you can, you can observe yourself. Where can I pee? I have to pee out of my huge dick. Bathroom's over there. All right. Now, question for you. Do you believe that the idea of you having a huge dick is an illusion? Is that kind of what you're saying? It's, it's just out of proportion with my body. You know what I'm saying? I wish it was a little more to New York. Now you have no wishes left. You have a smaller dick and you made a pond in those pigeons. There's some of the best blueberries I've ever had. Are you comfortable taking two out of my hand just to try that? Yeah. Am I lying? Those blueberries have something to say. Yeah. And I'm listening. You said something, you said something that moved me. Are you comfortable sitting? I saw a flip of you and I moved me. I think you said you went to Austin. You're saying? No, that's not why. No, but it moved me emotionally. You know what it was? I don't. And there's just a lot of clips in some of my guests or you felt you realized you were autistic. And that's why you didn't have any relationships. It's not that's a little bit out of context. Okay. When it wasn't, it was a proper diagnosis. And patterns of my life that seemed unrelated as I understood the way my mind works better, started to become patterns as opposed to, excuse me, things that happened in my life that seemed unrelated, not things that happened to me, just experiences and memories I have. I recognized patterns too. And one of them was that I have a joke in my act where I talk about, I came into some self-awareness about eight years ago. And I realized I didn't have many friends growing up. And I never knew that as a kid. I just thought everybody was busy all the time. And because when people, and that's, that's not particular autism, that's just, hey, I can't, can't do anything today. It's whatever. It was for a bit. When I started learning about stuff, I started to feel really, I don't know if this is the best language to say, but bad for my, like I felt, I felt sad for my younger me. I'm like, oh, I did too. But I have new perspective of that, which is I, I, I understand all of it. I understand why I was that way because I lacked awareness. I understand. So I understand, like kids, I, I wanted to do stuff. And when I want to do something, that meant you wanted to do something. That's wrong. But in my mind, you're thinking what I'm thinking. So if I'm thinking this, you're, I mean, it's, that's classic projection, but it's, it's much more exaggerated because like, I liked wrestling. I wanted a wrestle. If you and I were friends when we were kids, there's a decent chance that we would hit it off. So we would wrestle. A lot of kids don't want to wrestle. But when kids would say, I don't want to wrestle or I like boxing. I don't want to box. And my head, I was hearing like, I know it's scary until you get hit the first time. And then it's fun. It's scary. I know, you know, I don't want to wrestle either, but like, I've done it enough to where it's like, yes, I do. It's just scary. They're not saying, I don't want to do something. They're saying, in my head, I'm scared. Please convince me. Make me push me because that's what I want. Yeah, I don't know if that's autism. I just, it's not autism. I'm saying, that's why I don't like talking about too much sort of context. The one thing that was related to that was my lack of picking up on social cues and taking things very literally. And you did, they were mixed. I never got that from you. I was very different as a kid. Yeah, very different. But you're also really intelligent. So maybe you figured out how to navigate that. By asking questions constantly. Really? By asking people, why do you feel that way? How do you feel that way? When I do this, I still, if I'm in a, I am looking for a partner and I'm a single man. And I have found myself in situations more sore recently in the past year or so, where I've allowed myself to have sex with people. I've had sex with people before. But like, I've been in situations where it's like, I normally wouldn't have sex with this person. But like afterwards, I'm thinking, that would have been cool. This person's attracted this person like me. I like them enough. I know I'm not going to be in a relationship with them. We're not even living in the same town whenever it is. And I've allowed myself to do it because this is so silly. And maybe I'm revealing too much. I don't talk about the stuff much. But like, why am I not? I have an idea of why I'm not. And I know, at least in part, it's fear-based. I'm scared to do this thing. What, what, what are you scared about? Acceptance? Well, having sex with somebody that I don't really know, a couple of things. You might be rejected. Maybe, but that's not really yet. No, it's, it's in no particular order. The dangers of sex that you don't really know. I'm still wearing a condom, but still like, you don't know, there is the, when I wear a condom, it's not too infrequent that I'll go soft. Do I feel safe enough with this person, comfortable enough with this person where I can have a conversation and say, hey, I go soft to condom sometimes. Well, I have to take the condom off and talk a little bit or make out or would like. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot. Yeah, I get it. I have had sex with people that like, in afterwards, they, like, we want their separate ways. And it just doesn't feel good. Is this somebody that I like enough to want to at least like, are we hanging out today? Are we watching something? Whatever it is. Does this person think that by us having sex, is there going to be a bonding moment for them where they are expecting something? And if I tell them, I'm not interested in that, do they believe me? Are they capable of believing me? Yeah. There's so many things. It's, it's, it's, it's just like, it's noise. It's dangerous. It's noise. Yeah. And because of that noise, there's, there have been experiences that I didn't have that looking back. I'm like, Oh, that would have been cool. Yeah. It's not specifically sex, but it's, it's intimacy in those ways, right? So I've been like allowing myself in some situations to do stuff that just was outside of my comfort zone. And afterwards, I have, like, I really feel like it would make great podcasts. I, and it's not a conscious, at least it wasn't a conscious decision in the moment. I'm very curious after sex. And we have sex. And like, I will have 45 minute conversation with a person, not this specific, but why did you have sex with me? When did you realize you wanted to have sex with me? How do you feel now after having sex with me? What do you feel like if we continue talking? What would you feel like if we didn't continue talking? And I have gotten so much information out of that where I realized, oh, I'm okay doing this now if I want to. I just don't want to. You need information because I, I would say a lot of things are intuitive and you can't explain them. And I think you should be open to that too. So I said to my father, my father says, I'm really cool. He's been married to my mother for 50, 60 years. And he said, I don't know why I love your mom. I can tell you what her qualities are. I can tell her when she's got great qualities. That's not what I'm in love with. Because I don't know what I'm in love with. I was thinking about that with my wife. I can tell you like what I think, what I admire about my wife. I think she's strong and smart and all that. But I don't know why I, why she's the one I love. Because it's intuitive. It's, it's, it's not rational and it's, it's maybe beyond explanation, which is another way of saying it's beyond measurement. But what you're talking about are your feelings. You're not talking about. I'm actually, you said, I don't know why my wife loves me. I think it's a very different. I, I'm why I love my wife, right? Right. But, but what I'm talking about is understanding how other people feel. And that's not intuitive to me without questions. For me, I'm always just amazed at why somebody would love me. I've always been that guy was like, you love me. You're attracted to me. It made no sense. Like I would never be attracted to me. Because part of like my thing is I've always had a healthy dose of self-loathing. It's probably one of the reasons I'm a comic. It might be the reason we're all comics, you know, in some ways. This might be an unlikeable truth to reveal. I love me. And when people like me, I truly think of course, there's also part of that in all of us too, right, to be a performer, to be somebody who continues to go on, you have to know in your mind that you are special, or you feel special, or you're not going into a relationship. Like why would somebody love me? I like, I know that's a thing. People like, I'm unlovable. Is that a thing? Like I know, like, I've done some media and that's like, what are some of the feelings you connect with? And then that's always on that list. And I'm like, I just don't connect to that one. That's interesting. Yeah. But I never found you awkward. I always thought the first thing I noticed about you when I got to know you is you're a capacity for play. You're, you're love for play and being silly, which I love. That's my life. I told you I could tell we would have been friends as kids. Yes, because that's an intimacy. 100%. That's not everybody shares. No, it's a language that if you don't know that language and you and I fell into it immediately. I remember, I don't know if it was the first time, but I do remember a long time ago on the patio at the comedy store. Yes. I don't think you know who I was. Right. And we played as if we both knew each other. Right. And I immediately, you fell right into it. And I went, oh, this fucking guy gets it. That's why 15 years ago. That's right. She said I was 14. Isn't that crazy? You were. Okay. Because I remember I, because they would let me inside. That's why I was on the patio. I don't know. I wasn't allowed inside. Yeah. No, you were inside. Yeah. And you were about your height. So that's. I was not in six to three. Yeah. And you were six to eight 14. There's no way. I was tall though when I was younger. Yeah. I just don't think you were 14. I was. I don't think you're 30. I think you're a little older. I mean, I can look it up. Look it up. Hello, two million dollars. So that's twice. I once had an offer for a commercial. Where it was like a campaign they offered me. Yeah. And they offered me $100,000 for 10 commercials. Now, for people at home who think that's a lot of money, you're right. And $10,000 of commercial is still is still nice to do. But they asked me that after having done two commercials for them, where I was paid 50,000 of commercial just for scale. Okay. My lawyer went back and said 1.25 million for one commercial. He told me that after it happened. And I said to him, Hey, man, what are you doing? Of course, I would love to have $1.25 million. They're not going to pay that. Do you want me to wait until you're done with that? No, I'm listening. But I'm going to let me rephrase. I'm going to wait until you're done being on your phone. Well, because I want to see how old Rick Glassman is. And it's very convenient that my phone isn't working. It's funny because you just got two phone calls. So what did you see that's making you feel like it's not working now? Well, no, my calls go through. Well, then get off Wi-Fi, but you're on cellular. In fact, you're not on the Wi-Fi. So it should work. Well, it's not asking how old Rick Glassman is. Okay. Can't tell you the story. I spelled it with Glassman. Yeah, go ahead. Long story short, he, uh, they went back and forth a little bit, and I lost the loss. I would have done it in a second. Fuck. And I lost it. And I think it ended up being 200. They offered $250,000 for five commercials, which would have been probably a few days of work. I would have lost my mind on my agent. That's when you have to go, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't fucking lose this for me. He did. He wasn't part of it until the end, which was his learning lesson that I want to be CCed on these. Oh, dude, I would go crazy. I was, I mean, dude, uh, fuck anyway, what was making me think of this? What were we just talking about? There was something about, um, fuck, um, relationships. It was around the age. It was something with, those are reason I brought this up. Wait, wait, um, because we were having, this was an important conversation. We were talking about meeting outside, play. Yeah. When we met outside, you said you were 14. I said, you're older. Yeah, but then I brought this commercial. You brought this commercial. Yeah. I don't know. Fuck. Maybe we added it out or we leave it in. Oh, I, you know, it doesn't matter. There's a reason. But, um, but the play, yeah, the play is, the play isn't a form of intimacy. We would have been friends when we were kids. I think that's what you said. And it's true because you, when you, when, because that's something most people don't speak. And you go, oh, shit, that's a good language right there. Let's do this. Some people don't speak it. Some people speak it and reserve it for special occasions. Those are the more difficult for me to connect to because you could teach somebody a language if they have the capability of learning. Yeah. But people that already know the language and decide it's not for them is tough. Well, there's some people that are, my friends are theoretical mathematician. And they, they have that language. You're saying that like you really likes math and theoretically, he's a bit mathematician. Okay. I'm glad you asked. No theoretical math math is theorems. And it's like, um, asking questions that you don't even know are real questions until you prove them with the equation, which you cannot get an answer. If you don't have a question, have a question. Right. So I'm a theoretical. And you were talking about the fact that you are constantly asking questions. And I was saying that some things are intuitive and beyond measure. But, but, so, so information has its limits. Yes. However, what's intuitive for some isn't as intuitive for others. Right. And I lacked a lot of intuition that a lot of my peers had. You did? Very much. Yeah. Do you think you still do? Uh, I, uh, no, I think I've, I think, in, in a sense, where if I don't follow the, the patterns and the, the observations that I've learned, some other, so your phone is working. Yeah. So you probably saw my agent. You didn't want to admit that you were wrong, whatever. Uh, I have learned. So if I were to be forget what I've learned, just picking up on stuff like I'll see somebody checking their phone, for example. Yeah. And in my mind, oh, their phone's ringing. But I also know here to check in, you know, what is the call in a video game when you get like an expansion pack? Yeah. I have this expansion pack. Sometimes people check their phone because they're, they're bored or they're queuing to me that they want to shave subject or that they want to leave. I then will know that and check what's on the phone. If they do it multiple times, I see a call is actually coming. Is it something where, and if I'm unsure, I'll then have the forethought to say, is this conversation bothering you or, or you could take the phone or we, we could call it if you want. That's so interesting. Because what another thing that I learned is you're, you're, you're, you're nervous about your impact, you're nervous about. Oh, I see. You're nervous that you're not reading cues. And so now you're hyper reading cues. I don't know if nervous is the right word, but we don't need to. I'm aware and sensitive. I'm sensitive to, because I'm aware it exists. And I, I don't know what it is, right? So like, like if you hear loud noises outside, and it's fourth of July and you're into wishing to tell that those are fireworks, you're not going to be, you, you can move on. If I hear those loud noises outside and I don't know what they are, and I can't pick up on it, even if I'm okay, I'm, I'm now a little distracted. So that's a, that's an idiosyncrasy. But it's got to get in the way of your relationships, doesn't it? Well, yes, yes. And it's a double-edged sword I found. When I meet people, friendships included, where we, or the strong compatibility, one of those reasons I try to compatible exist is because shorthand develops and we could calibrate with one another. So like, I could be, I have a, be dating somebody. And the first month is probably difficult for them. And if I'm able to communicate in a way where they feel it's worth sticking it, sticking around with me, we don't, and, and, and, and, and, and the same vice versa. Like we are compatible. We'll come up the other side after a month where we see each other in a way where it's, it's not anymore. I, I really want to find a way of articulating this without being too long-winded with examples, but like, you need to sit on that blanket because I don't like outdoor clothes on my indoor couch. Okay. It's, it's an OCD of mine. And it could be a burden for you, right? Every time I come to Rick's house, I have to take off my shoes, I have to wash my hands, which I don't make people do anymore. I have to sit on a blanket, there's certain, I don't know what to touch. I want him to feel safe, but like, I'm walking on eggshells. I, I don't know what's okay. You start to ask questions. Can I open your fridge? Is it okay if I have one of these blueberries? Do you want to plate this food for me? And it, it, it becomes exhausting, right? And it is exhausting. It's exhausting for me. It's also unmanageable with children. Yes, agreed. I have grown. I know I will continue to grow. I'm excited for that. The dog is a great. I wipe my dog's paws every time it comes in, but when he's, his, I don't wipe his body all the time, like, they're, I've gotten better and I'm getting better. There are some, some things that I've accepted that this is kind of what it is. And I have, I have weak points. And I'm okay with this. And I need somebody else to be. But for my, for this example, once I'm in a relationship with somebody and they see me and they respect me enough and they will sit on the blanket or they will change into their indoor clothes. And I see that in them and they understand me. It becomes then easier to be, and this isn't their job, but I do want somebody who could help me. And I want to be a value to somebody. And when I know somebody respects me and sees me and they change their clothes, they sit on the blanket or whatever. And then sometimes they're either too tired to do it. Or I went outside, but I didn't sit on anything. It's fine. They sit on the couch. My thought What is it going to be? Get off, get off, get off, my initially it is like the kid in me still feels the way. But there is this thing that happens to me where it's like, I know this person knows what's best for me. I know this person considers the way I see things and they still chose to do that. Maybe it's okay. And I started a lot of thinking, buddy, it's exhausting, but a lot of it is shorthand, a lot of it is fast. A lot of it is ready now. But I can see you going through all these machinations, which is a form of like almost as burgers, you know, in a way, like just having to go through, I analyzing every situation and you're a mother with the outlets, I'm making a joke in a way. But it's true. But it's it's it's actually true. That's very good point. It's exhausting and it's become so is learning the language. But I now have a better understanding of a lot of these things and how I could be better and how I don't have to be a burden, but this started off with with being able to communicate with other people and you checking your phone and what that means and asking questions. And something I've learned is I do not pick up on social cues intuitively without my expansion packs. However, I'm aware of that and a lot of people are because your intelligent, I mean, you're almost like, yeah, that's really interesting. Let me let me finish this one part, please. There's a world where you're checking your phone and it's a compulsion of your own and you're not conscious of the fact that you are bored or whatever it might be. So even if you know how you're feeling, some people wouldn't feel safe enough to communicate it. But even if you did feel safe enough, you'd have to be in touch with your feelings. So what I think my and I'll call this a superpower is as much as I talk way too much and tend to over communicate some of those times, I will check in with other people and I believe that you will be more in touch with how you're feeling if you hang out with me. Because I'm not asking to make you better. I mean, I'm not that selfless. It's not that it's I'm trying to understand something that you may be never questioned. So when you do say, yeah, I don't, I, sorry, I do keep checking my phone. I, I'm not, I guess I'm just a little distracted. Oh, is this conversation boring? I mean, I don't know. It's not boring. I just, it's okay if it's important. Let's move on to something else. How that took a long time to do, but the next time, or at least two times after, we could be in something and you'll feel safe enough to say, Rick, this conversation is a little boring. Can we move on to something else? Yeah. And I'm going to say, thank you for telling me. Right. And it becomes easier. And you do that. You find that has to be almost a training process with somebody you're in a relationship with. I think it's a training process in just communication. Because by design, communication is me having thoughts, some of which are conscious, many of which aren't. I then say in the words that I have, it's then, it's then encoded and then your brain decodes it into the way you receive it. How clear was I? It's like, when you talk to chat GBT or any of these things, like how specific are you? You know, when you say you're, I'm picturing what a dog looks like. You might be picturing something completely different. I have to trust that you either know what I'm saying or that you're going to ask follow-up questions. And if you don't ask follow-up questions and you don't understand me, we don't really see each other. It's the, what is the, when you have a breakup, you know, you've been in relationships and they haven't lasted. What do you think is the kind of final thing that causes the rift? I could make something up. I don't, at the moment, I don't believe there's a final thing. I think, I think one of two things at least are the big components, one of which is realizing that this is not a person that you want to have a life with. Yeah. And that might not be for any negative reasons. That might be compatibility. Yes. The other is resentments. Really? That's interesting. That happens, right? That happens in every relationship. Yeah. It's a weird power thing, right? You sleep more than I do. You get in these weird competitions. It depends on what it, I don't think resentments are necessarily built for the action or inaction. I think it's for the lack of acknowledgement of them, right? So like, I could give you an example of a friend of mine, this was years ago, and it was one of my, but the first time I became conscious of this and like, oh, it's my responsibility to not be resentful this person. It's not his fault. I, at the time, was making more money than this in person. In fact, I, at the time, was making, I was on a TV show and this person didn't really, this person wasn't making much money, okay? It's relevant. We would go in and out burger all the time. We were friends. We were with each other. We always went out of the locker. I always paid for it. I never thought about it. It's just whatever. It's not that much money. I'm buying the thing. It wasn't even supporting them. It's just, I don't care about buying a couple extra burgers. I just did it over and over again. Then there was a time that I, I realized he didn't offer. I just didn't realize it before. That's fair. Absolutely. Absolutely fair. I didn't say anything because I have money. He doesn't have money. I sat on that and I thought to myself, well, he's just feeling XYZ and I'm realizing whatever he's feeling at, at best, it's maybe he's feeling that way. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what he's conscious of. I wasn't even conscious of it until just now. So I thought, why am I feeling resentful and I was feeling like he doesn't offer. He's never offering. Well, he doesn't know that that's important to me. How will he know if I don't tell him? And the next time we got in and out burger, what before we ordered, I said, hey, man, I want you to get the burgers this time. Maybe there's a better way of saying it, but I said, I want you to get the burgers this time. And he said, okay. And he got the burgers. And it immediately dissolved. Yeah. That's it. Because that's honest. You're just being honest. But I could be if I didn't know that felt that way. Yeah, that's a great thing. And I think a lot of times you're just like, you don't know he's always fucking making these jokes. He's always fucking making. I'm not mad at you for making the jokes. I'm mad at you for not reading my mind. But that happened to me recently. I went, what's going on here? And he was going through some crazy shit in front of mine. A buddy of mine had a restaurant in St. Parks. And when you walked in there, I'd never been, but like his clientele was crazy. Like you'd walk in and be like, oh, there's Bono and there's there's, you know, that billionaire was billionaires is like that guy owns Oracle or, you know, the biggest people. And they would be there on their family vacation. And you'd have somebody like, I don't know for lack of a better way Bill Gates or something like that crazy. And they'd have like their extended family there be 15 people. And they would spend a fortune at those restaurants like they buy that the bills would be $100,000 sometimes because they get these crazy wines and maybe it was nuts, right? So he was making a lot of money. And he once, once a year or whatever, maybe at the end of the season, somebody would spend a fortune and he would come up to the guy and just say, it's on the house. And the billionaire would go, what? And he goes, you come here all the time. This meal's on me. I just want to tell you I appreciate you. And they would look at him and go, no one's ever done that for me. Like no one's ever, now it's no money for him, but he goes, no one's ever done that. And it was so shocking, but it was the best business decision because they would always come back. Of course. Always tip. It was always like just a sign of respect and an acknowledgement and acknowledgement that I'm a human being, that I am always paying. I'm always the one. And sometimes somebody comes along and goes, hey dude, I got you this time. Like I see that in you know, and I think all of us need that, all of us. But as guys, we're provider protectors, you know, you gotta, again, you know, I have this whole joke about that. Like you, you want to cry? You can't do that. Suffer alone, bitch. I can't call my friends. I can't call a friend and be like, hey dude, I'm sad. I know it's Thursday. Is that a, is that a generational thing or is that also the, the, the, the man is for your culture that you said exists? I think it's a man thing. You, you are a little bit different because you're through necessity or also just, you're just different. You're in every good way. By the way, it's one of the reasons you're a comic and, but I'm just saying that for the most part of the thing, we grew up in a culture and all cultures. Men are kind of told complaining, even voicing your pain, your anxieties, your depressions, your confusion, your worry is bitch mode is weak is beta. All those things that were, that are put on us. And part of it's because women tend to be more attracted to the guy who is presenting as the problem solver, the provider, the protector, the man with the answers. Maybe I'm a delogical, but are those two things mutually exclusive? Well, one is a lie. So, so what we do as men is we go, we go, um, so again, as my, my joke is like, if I call, when I do this joke on stage, I'll be like, um, I can't call my friends in the middle of the day and be like, hey dude, can you talk? I'm sad because they'll go, you got the wrong number pussy and hang up. Ha, ha, ha. Everybody laughs. And they laugh because it's familiar today. The one thing that guys and girls light up, especially guys is when I start talking about emotions with men and they just go, I'm here for this because somebody, and they look at their wives, they look at their girlfriends and they go, see, that's what I deal with. I can't tell anybody like, like as a man, wake up and say, I got all the answers and today's a good day to die, even if it's a, even if inside, you're like, right? But, but that is, that pressure cannot be underestimated. That, that need to take that because I, because I want to cry. You want to cry? Good. Turn that shit to rage or humor, bitch, because we don't have time right now. And that is so real for, for men in pretty much every society. I wouldn't blame it on American, but we got to go. We got to move. I know that's the thing and I hear people talking about it and it makes sense. I connect to it zero. Yeah, you do. I mean, I'm saying you do my dad worked seven days a week until COVID when he started working six days a week. He just retired at 72 and what did he do? He was in the restaurant business and then he was in the carpet flooring business and you grew up where? Cleveland. Okay. Yeah. And any movie that we watch where there's some heart toward the end. Yeah. I'll look over at my dad and he's doing this. Okay. Now you're Jewish. Yes, we love to complain as well. No, but, but, but, but also masculinity in the Jewish culture is a little bit different. There isn't the pressure that to be Jewish is, I mean, Moses complained to God for God's sake. Don't go. Yeah, he really did. He was like, what are you doing? We're out in the desert. We're starving. You know, I might they're all mad. You know, and God would complain to Moses about the about the Israelites. There is a there is this. Tell them to get in line now. Part of that is almost debate. Part of that is like, I'm not going to settle for this. I'm like, you know, it's like constantly fighting constantly debating. That's a thing. That's a thing that's sort of like that's literally a cultural phenomenon. Okay. And has a lot of strengths to it, you know, therapy. It's not an accident that Freud, the father of subconscious was Jewish. It's not a coincidence that a lot of the fathers of modern day psychology, the notion of the subconscious and things came out of Jewish minds. That was that that is goes back to the old test. Do you think it's because they're back hurt too much to go hunting? So they had to figure something that might be that might be what it was that I don't know if I can really do this. I have some thoughts always being kicked out, always being kicked out of the country. Let's get our stuff. You know, let's get kicked out of what country? I'm just curious. Every country there was what was one of the earlier ones in England, England, for example, before that when Shakespeare wrote the merchant of Venice, the Jews have been kicked out of England way before that. He had never met a Jew. So when you read the merchant of Venice, he's Shylock. He wants his pound of flesh. It's very stereotypical. Shylock. I don't know what that means. And that means a Shylock means I, oh, I, I, I, I, Shylock. It's not a dragatory term for. It's a very derogatory term for Irish. No, it's for Jews. Why am I thinking lock? What am I thinking? I'm thinking of Shamrock. Yeah, Shamrock's different. That's for good luck. Shylock is someone who loans you money and then has you over a barrel. Shylock, loan shark. Maybe. I don't know, but a loan shark is a little different because a loan shark is like, I'll break your thumbs. That's more of an Italian thing. A Shylock would be somebody who, who, remember in the merchant of Venice with Shakespeare, he, he says, I, I want a pound of flesh if you can't pay me back, a pound of, of your flesh, take it anywhere you want on your body, but I need a pound of it. Think about how fucking, you know, where am I going to take a half? Is that why a lot of Jews also got into the, the practice of liposuction and being plastic surgeons? No, that's because they're an innovative people. But it's taking, they take literally pounds of fat. Yes, but I think that's a stretch. And I'm going to say now, take your, take your short remarks as well. Yeah, you're making the same argument. See again here. Yeah, no. I think you're, well, let's hold that. Am I saying, am I being too on the nose? I think you're being too literal. We could fix that. It's good. Thank you. It's very good. And I like that you, I like that you brought me around to that. Thank you very much. Well, I want to make sure I'm uplifting like a facelift. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get a facelift eventually. Watch this. We do it with that on. Well, this is already a facelift, but yeah. This is going to, it's going to change quick. How you doing? No, do that thing. And it's just so. Brian. Hey, Rick. Hey, what's up, man? I'm crazy. Give me one sec. Brian. Rick. It's right here. I know. Boom. How crazy is that? What are you waiting for? I know. And it's just, so you were anti-peptides, but you're four facelifts. Or you're not anti-peptide. You're just saying how loud it is is upsetting to you. I'm not, I don't do peptides, but I, yeah. Yeah, I know. He thinks you're me now. I love your dog. He thinks you're me. I love that hair. I love him so much. He's so cute. Oh, you know what? The whistle. Sweet. Yeah. I have a way with dogs and horses. Yeah. I remember you talking about your horse stuff. So it's your like just a little bit. No, I want, I'm airing it out. Plus the dog understands. He's really cute, dude. I really like him. Yeah. He's a, she's literally have so many awards are falling all over the dude. This one grows recently. Okay. Most innovative video podcasts. Okay. That's the listener's choice. Oh, I also got the judges choice. Most invaded video podcasts. Yeah, it's a lot. All right. Yeah. It's not a competition, but that's fine. Well, no, it was, and that's a blanket in statement. Okay. Good. Fantastic. I want to see how well you act. You know, I have the show. Oh, yes. You called acting off. And I want you to come and do it in, uh, in Austin. Well, if you want to see how well I act, if you, this is just one of the awards. As we see it on Amazon Prime, if you want to check that out, I mean, it doesn't matter. It's an ensemble show. I was first on the call sheet. It's a brilliant show. Drama. Drama. Drama. As we see it, Amazon Prime. Okay. So I'm going to have three autistic adults living together to find their independence. Wow. We all played 25 girls, but this was, we did this in 2022. Okay. Um, do you want to act off? What would you like to, what would you like to play? Would you like to play? Um, I would like to do this fresh print scene. Let's do, let's do something where where I see a change in your, in your countenance. Great. Here it is. Yeah. Fresh print scene when, uh, when his father was going to go there, he was going to go on the road of this father and then the father came to tell Uncle Phil that, uh, he can't make it. And, uh, then the father leaves. I love that scene. That's what that statue's from. I love that scene. So let's do that. And he acts like it's no big deal. I learn how to shave without him. I learn how to drive without him. I have 14 birthdays. He never ever sent me a card. All right. All right. That's all right. Okay. Ready? But, but like, I'll do it on your show. I'll save it. Well, I'd like to see you, uh, I'd like you to, I'd like to see you hold. I'd like you to see you fight that emotion. Yeah. Great. I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you. All right. Ready? Yeah. And well, give me, give me a, give me something. It doesn't have to be that. We'll say that for your show. Give me a situation in a scene in our relationship. The scene is, um, I'll say, son, I can't make it. I'll be on the phone. No, I don't want to do the fresh printing. I want to say that for your show. Oh, okay. Give me a different one. Okay. The different one is, um, is, uh, you have a rival with your brother. You've always been jealous of your brother. He's always been the oak tree and you've gotten no sunlight ever. I'm going to play your father and I'm going to say, son, there's a limited amount of money we have. I know you both have dreams of going to college and becoming big doctors, but your brother is just a little bit more, well, he's got more potential. So the money goes to him and you have to say, it's okay, Dad, I'm happy for my brother. Thank you for the consideration. And then we'll let this thing fold out as it hurts. You're dying inside. We'll let the scene fold out as it does because it needs time to evolve. There you go. Go ahead. Son, uh, this is probably going to be a difficult thing to hear. But, um, we have a limited amount of money here in this family. And, uh, I know you both have big dreams of going to college you and chase. But, um, you're going to give him the money. I understand. And I'm happy. That's fine. It is. Appreciate that, son. I appreciate that. He has more potential. He does. And, uh, I'm sure whatever it is that he does, well, his best is going to be better than mine, right? Because we have a lot of work to do here at the old shop. And I'm sure eventually if things move in the right direction, there'll be enough money for you to eventually go to college. Maybe you're just, you know, stay here and keep doing what you've been doing. You've been doing a fine job of, I'm not going to stay here. I'm not going to stay here. I'm not going to stay with a person that doesn't see potential in me. And that's, I take responsibility for that because I haven't showed it to you. Or I have. Wow. See or I have and you can't see it. I guess I, I'm curious if you're able to see potential in somebody so well because you're able to see something that doesn't yet exist instead of seeing something that's right in front of me. You're getting emotional now. I mean, there's no reason to. I'm fine. I'm upset because I wanted something, but I'm raising my voice. I feel fine. Do you? I'm fine. And it makes sense. He's better. It's fine. Really? I'm happy for him. Seen. Wow. Wow. I only did comedy because I know how to be funny. No, I understand. But that's not where, that's not where what I have to offer could move the most. Yeah. That's very good. I think selling rugs or doing drama acting. Yeah. That's very, very good. Yeah. Good stuff. Can we do one more? I want you to warn me about going there. I'll ask you about the black forest. And I want you to, and no one has asked you about that. So you're doing something over there. and I'll ask you about the Black Forest and you, there's terror, there's gotta be terror on your face. And then all you say is, no one comes back. Yeah, that, don't, it's good. So you've just gotta be kind of moving around. I'll ask you some basic questions first. Are you from around here? - Born and raised. - Oh great. Yeah, it's pretty cool. - What are you talking about it? - Uh, just we ate over at the tavern over there. That was great food. That quail pie was something else. Yeah. Anyway, we, uh, we're looking for the Black Forest. - Hard to find. - Yeah. Everybody keeps saying that, but we're looking for it and just wanted to know if you could help us find. (coughing) Don't go there. - Okay, I want to try it again and give you some direction. You seem a little casual there. I'd like you to be a little bit more, I'd like you to be, I'd like you to just stop. And then, hold on, and then I want you to go, I want you to stop and then I want you to bring your eyes up and catch mine and say, "I can't help you." How you doing? - Been better, been worse. - Right, great store. Love this. - Wonderful antiques. How long have you been collecting? - I don't even think of it as collecting as much as just appreciating and curating. - Curating? - Yeah. - I guess my whole life. - Your whole life, that's what it looks like. I really appreciate all the, I don't know, you seem to have a real life or what matters. - I forgot my line. - Oh, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm looking for the Black Forest and you're just gonna stop. - That's before we do another one. - You're gonna stop and look up. - I remember that part. - And then you're gonna say, no one comes back from there. - Okay, so a different line, I think. - I don't remember the first line. I liked it, but now there's a different line. - No one comes back from there. - All right, now it's gotta be terror, all right? Anyway, we're here, we're actually looking for the Black Forest. Something wrong? Nobody comes back. - I have a problem with that. - I have a problem, I have a problem. I'll tell you what the problem is. - Acting is hard, man. This is what we get from acting off. - But I have a problem with this, which is nobody comes back from there is a, is a, is a, is a warning. Is a not a first warning. - Yeah. - Nobody comes back from there is before. - Oh no, I think the line was, I can't help you. I can't help you. - That makes more sense. - Let's do that, because I need that. - Let's do that. - I need that, nobody comes back from there. - Almost a, please, that has to be earned. - Yeah, I can't help you with that, all right, good. I can't help you with that, all right? So that, that was very good. I like the, the look of terror in your face. Anyway, sorry, I got a little cough, a little moldy in here, but it's great, so charming. Is do you know of a good place to eat around here? - Waff makes me my food. - Oh, okay. Well, we're just looking to get some food in our belly. We're looking for the black forest. - Okay, help you. - Scene. I'm looking forward to getting you out to Austin. - Well, I'll be there. - Good. - End of April. - I'm gonna be there as well. This has been a lot of fun. - You wanna get a spot on one of my shows? - Yes. - I'll jump on there. Are you gonna be doing the mothership? - Cap city. - Okay, well, I'd love to jump on 'cause I love Cap City. I've got to get to my, my son now. - I assume you're running there? - I'm going to ride there, I have a horse. - You came here on a horse? Let me guess, the horse's name was Friday. - How did you know that? - I didn't until now. It's amazing what other people will tell us if they don't realize you're asking them. - I would like to say something to you. You're one of the few people that can pull off a moustache. - Yeah, you have an interesting relationship with moustaches, though. - Well, you're one of the few people that can pull one off. It's my Donald Trump. - Wow, so your phone works. - Well, I don't know why the chat GBT. - Acting. - Huh. Yeah, this is really weird. It says you're 29. - Depends where you're looking. There's a lot of information out there that's wrong and some of it is right. - Yeah. - There's a lot of things out there that say that my mom's Italian and I'm worth $5 million and like all these other things. And like, well, maybe if my lawyer didn't screw up those intel commercials. - Do you think traffic's bad now that future's going to be a nightmare? - Does nobody like the future? - Come on, the future. He obviously doesn't know intel is helping power autonomous cars and the 5G network they connect to with this won't happen in the future. - Thanks, Jim. - Thank you for liking my mustache. - Thank you for having me on your podcast. I missed you. - Yeah, same. - You're a good man. - Always loved playing with you since I saw you when I was 14 years old on the patio at the world famous comedy store. - I remember that. - Yeah. - You're a good man. - I'll see you soon. I'll see you very soon. - Yeah. - In Austin. - Yeah. - And you will. I have to get to my. - Yeah, I gotta get a puller right. Stay there for one more second. Anything, we already talked about your website. We'll put up, we'll put up the dates. We'll put up your, your account.com for my dates on the road. And then I, that's it. And I'm doing acting off/trailer trash. - Where do people see acting off? That will be on YouTube. And then we're going to start doing live shows again, which we were doing in Austin. - Are you going to do one this month? - I don't think this month, but maybe next month. And we're definitely going to be shooting. I'm setting it all up. It's a whole different thing now. - Cool. - It's gonna be good, yeah. - It's fun making stuff, isn't it? - It is fun making stuff. - It's having friends that will do stuff, having talented people like, oh, I want to play. - Yeah. - Having friends that want to play. - A blast. - And we get to make a living from it. - The best. - Very grateful for this. - The best. It's what makes this podcasting sustainable. - I know. - It's like every week, I either get to meet somebody who I've wanted to meet and have an excuse to talk to them for 90 minutes. I get to play with a friend and get closer with them. Or every now and then it's like, well, you know, you need to have an episode and that exists. It's business, baby. - But this is awesome. - Yeah. - The music. - Lyrans. - Scoot. - Scoot. - It's never been one. - Blabberty blue. - Scoot. - You have real conversations. - Scoot. - Oh yeah. (laughing)