122: Broski Report Wrapped: 2025

Bune? Binson-Bune-Annie. Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California. This is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski. That means that's all. Let's start with you're looking at a woman that is one less organ than now I was two weeks ago, okay? What the fuck? You always hear, oh, she had her gallbladder out. She had her pancreatic removal surgery. It went great. Who the fuck is that ever about? Because you think it's not going to be you. You know what I mean? Oh, it's now about me. Gallbladder surgery? Goofy-ass surgery? What the fuck? I couldn't even have a cool one. Oh, I tore my. I tore my nabiscus. I tore my. I tore my high-biscus muscle during bar method because I was going so hard because I'm so ripped and muscled that it just snapped. It's never that. It's she had her gallbladder out. What the fuck? Goofy-ass surgery is that! I'm humiliated. Unserious ass surgery, bro. Except it was very serious. It was actually kind of like really super scary. Okay, let's talk about it, I guess. I never thought for a fucking second when I was like, I want to do a podcast called the Broski Report that I would be looking at. The fucking laws of thermodynamics. That's the stupidest bullshit I've ever. I'm mad. I'm mad. And you know what makes me even more mad so does people comment, "I learned more from this podcast than I ever did in school." That's scary! That's scary! Did I ever think I'd be in charge of teaching the youth of America thermodynamics? No, but it's a burden I don't take lightly. Okay, we're gonna learn this shit and you guys gonna be quizzed in the end. You know, a lot of my scientific understanding comes from the Iron Man universe. And that's not easy for me to admit. It's not fun for me to admit, but it's kind of you know. So a bear back shit. Hey, oh Jesus Christ, I'm sorry about that. This is a pretty visceral thing I came up with their bear back shot. Trying to order an angel shot at the barn ordering a bear back shot by accident. Yeah, do you guys do bear back shots? They're like, what the fuck? Sex freak? Get out of here, sex freak. Okay, again, I need a linguist in the corner and I need a historian in the corner. It'd be like, uh, you're lying. And then I'll be like, and then I'll sit here in silence and I'll listen to him talk and then I'll just regurgitate what he said. One of these days, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna be like, welcome to my home, sit in the corner and I'm just gonna talk. And if you find any incorrect information or I misspeak maybe, then just go ahead and jump in, correct me. If anyone knows any historians, uh, send them my way because I'd like to employ them for a day. So what's the option? I don't pay my taxes and I go to jail, dystopian. Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot recently. What if something's really for real wrong with me? Should I take some medicine? No. No. You know, like, no, what would a brosky report episode be without me googling shit? But I don't know. Did Jesus have a lamb? And while I was down in the war rooms, of course, I did actually start my period. So raise your hand if you've started your menstrual cycle in church hills, war rooms. Just me? Just me, I guess. You're all the mucus of my throat? Just grab, I just grabbed my ear but just don't get a hose ear in the way that I get a hose ear! Y'all aren't listening! You're not listening! Oh my god, there's my motor chain! I'm sustained up! Good morning! Don't talk to me until I've had my diarrhea. When you order a milk replacement, a milk alternative, you are admitting to the cashier that you are of a weak breed. Could I get the oat milk? Okay, you are at the bottom of the food chain. That's what you're admitting. Okay? My gut bubbles when I smell milk. That's what you're telling them. You're communicating that in a roundabout way. And there's something very humiliating about that. It's a humiliation ritual. Okay? When I'm like, could I get the almond milk? Oh, you're a pus? Yeah. Yeah, sometimes, sometimes my my butthole kind of bleeds. Sometimes I have milk and then the rest of my days ruined. I have to stay home. Oh, not the cow milk for me. I'll actually have a fucking reaction. I tried out this new place recently. It's not new. It's new to me. Coffee bean and tea leaf. That's like a LA staple. Everyone knows about that place. I'd never go. I've never been. I went yesterday. I said, give me three shots of espresso with a little bit of hazelnut in it and a little bit of oat milk. And he said, sure, that shit had me jacked up. I was out of the tank. I should scrub the walls. I should I vacuumed every corner of my room. And well, the reason I did that. Do you guys even give a fuck? I'm serious. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Holy shit. Last night, I got my fucking vacuum because there was a big ass spider in my bathroom. And I am the man of the house. I am the patriarch. Okay, you're looking at the face. You're looking at the patriarch of the household. And that's just how it is. That's just how I've designed it to be. So yeah, I turned around. And I was also naked. I was naked about to hop in the shower. Big ass brown recluse. Written naked, ran through my house, grabbed the vacuum, sucked him up. There is a graveyard of scary big spiders in my vacuum bag because I don't want to kill it. And I don't want to smoosh it because one of it's pregnant. Do spider have postponed? Can spider get pregnant art? [singing in foreign language] Physicaly fit. Physicaly, physicaly, physicaly fit. That's how that physicaly fit. Right? Make fantastic, right? Make fantastic. Men to me are like mythical creatures. I do not interact with them in the wild. I leave them be. I don't really want to hear from them, but I will admire their beauty from afar. Cassie, young gentleman with a sort of really nice upper body build. Beautiful hairline. Great mustache. I'm looking. I'm staring from across the street and I'm staring at you like this. POV, you're a man with a mustache. I'm across the street. Okay, we lock eyes and I'm doing the Miley Cyrus stare with blue eyes and then a bus passes in front of us and then when the bus passes, I'm gone. That's how I feel towards men these days. I'm like, and then the bus passes and then I'm gone. And then he's like, what the fuck? And he looks behind him. I'm behind him. But I never say anything. I'm sort of, I'm moaning myrtle. I'm like floating around him in a circle. I'm nose for aught too. You will bounce on it. You don't know the lore. You don't know my lore. And you never will. And you never will. Yeah, I used to talk to this one guy. I used to talk to this one guy. I don't know if I told you all this, but he said that I said, I don't know why we're talking about this. I said, do you wash your butt in the shower? And he said, no, I don't touch my butt. That's gay. Oh, hey, sorry for asking. By the way, we're breaking up. By the way, don't ever hit my line. Do you wash your butt in the shower? No, I don't. That's gay. Got it. Who's you going for? I need a man with a mustache to worship the ground. I walk on. These men are fucking crazy, y'all. I'm not joking. I'd rather die alone. I would rather die alone. I made a vow to myself halfway through last year. I will never let another man into my house that I pay for. If you are not gay or related to me, get the fuck off my porch. I don't want to see you. Like, there's no reason a man should ever come to your house. You have a man coming over to what murder you? Why the fuck would you need a man in your house? Like, that's crazy, actually. Look! Love is love! I just don't want it. I get in his pickup truck and in the passenger seat is a plush flower and He goes so I never have to buy you ones ever again Motherfucker fuck you and Valentine's day bitch Oh John, hold John, hold on Cut that I'm mad. I just made myself mad That's how I feel lately and this is the dream You want you want a rare moment of vulnerability on this podcast I googled it because I didn't know How about that collide with gas it. We're doing fucking science was pretty risky again. Yeah I've been practicing this for one. I'm Italy ready It's Andrea Bocelli and here's the actual Italian words And who performed it my wedding and Dre Bocelli Who performed at her wedding and Jay of a Charlie Okay, I don't mean this one either because the 1890s in London was like the industrial revolution essentially It smelled horrible the working conditions were inhumane child labor coal miners steam engine builders logo It was the industrial Revolution, okay, the industrial age had dawned on the Tim's river And it was filled with so many dead bodies and so much nasty runoff from all those new factories that would backfire and wouldn't it was just But then again You want to talk about architecture you want to talk about fashion you want to talk about a society with Customs, you know what I mean a rigid society with customs I think it would be insane to like just be an observer. I'd be like damn y'all really had it like this. You know what I mean I Would have met Sherlock Holmes, okay? I would have convinced him somehow by my wit and charm and intelligence to bed me. I have his child We create the next Elon Musk. He's a progressive. He takes over 1910s London, okay stay with me. We don't have a Victorian period. We have a broski period My great-great-grandmother broski lady broski if you will gave birth to my great-grandmother and Down the lineage That's why my lips are so small. Okay, so I just wanted to go into that background to explain to you guys Well, my forehead's so big and my lips are small. It's because of that. So it's just genetics Anyways back Back to this painting of the sacrificial lamp Sometimes I see a vision of my true self And she's floating somewhere up high and she's a vision of golden light Yet she is shackled by her wrists and her ankles to this version of me She's she's trying to get away and she's shackled and weighed down by iron chains of this version of me We're we're I'm sitting on this podcast like okay, why does the food revolution low-key tea We are young Hey, there's a fire in our soul. Do you ever get that feeling that like You have a caveman forehead and I don't mean physically. I mean mentally That my brain kind of like sometimes I feel like one of those one of those dolphins That look all fucked up big Big-headed dolphin Yeah Sometimes I feel like a fucking beluga whale bitch look at that look at him It's all swollen and shit Feel in my forehead. I feel like it's swollen in it. It kind of hangs down. It hangs down over my eyes Like like something from the side. I feel like it's kind of like this sometimes Like the sack the bulging sack that sits above my eyebrows Kind of just it's like resting real heavy I'm going I'm going beluga whale mode today Can anyone agree can anyone sympathize? Just me awesome. What is this earth without art? For fucking for fucking sh*t I'm going to start a new bit where I create a muppet version of myself and when I start getting really angry I'm going to go into the table and have a muppet of me come up and be like If anyone wants to make me a muppet I'll give you the PO box and you can sit it to me and I'm going to I'm going to start doing I'm going to start doing anger management puppet hour You bitches are ruining the sanctity of what art is. Okay, anyway Strolled this episode is sponsored by a rocket money. 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Please leave And I like to talk to myself We know Hey, we know The edible just came and padded me on the back It's time to wrap it it's time to go. Now I understand that, but it is time to go. Okay, but the car is waiting outside and the Uber will cancel in 10 minutes if you're not in the vehicle with your laptop in the pack. So I don't know if you want to tell the boss, but you're supposed to be in that fucking car, and if you're not in that car, my ass is on the line. So pack up your shit and let's go. But can I like, I have some stuff in the front? I don't care. You should have time to manage to fit better. Okay, now this is your final warning. Now you have nine minutes. Sorry. Okay. Well, I'm going to run to the bathroom and I'm like, okay, if you miss that car outside, it's out of my hands. It's out of my hands. And if you need any help with the future, don't call me because I put up with your shit. Okay, can we not view this right now? I'm recording. Get in the car. Okay. Guys, I got to go in like 10 minutes. Sorry. Just got yelled at by my boss. Well, not my boss. She's my boss, but like, you know, you don't want it to get up to the big guy, because he's got a scary, like, Transylvanian accent. And he's got pink and white French tip nails that are in a coffin shape. And he's like, he's really, really scary. And did I ever tell you to retry all the combs? No, but you should just know too. Because I'm, I'm consistently sending out telepathic messages to all the brosky nation. Okay, if you feel a brain zap one day, that's me trying to get in there. That's me trying to get up in there. And you're resisting. And for that, I'm cutting your pay. If you're, my, my right temple is pulsing. That's me being like, sure, calm, sure, calm. You will bounce on the head. And that's y'all resisting. Okay. That's me. If you see me appear to you in a dream, that's for real. I've taken on my final form, which is known for out. Hey, now you rubber pants and Stephen. Yeah. And am I okay? No, no. Uh, it gives you that. No. It was really, really good. And now I'm rewatching Piki Blinders. Wow, it's wrong. I'm rewatching Piki Blinders. Is that okay with everyone? Because that shit is good. I found my loving part of. And she just broke her fucking met a torsal fin. She just broke her dorsal fin. And she had sprained her dorsal fin. So how are they going to do it? She's got her special fin like Nemo and finding Nemo. She's different. And she's damaged when reality, she's on those save us all. Isn't that fucking true? Because we're all having that inside of us. We all have the power that if we even knew our power, we could save all of us. Because we are nothing as one. We are what everything together. I'm off the Paul Mescal pack. The thought of waking up in the morning and leaving your home and not brushing your teeth is like, if you're a fan of mine, cut that shit out. We're not doing stinky brosky nation ambassadors. Please guys, don't we can't be the stinky fan base. Please wear the odorant and not that fucking aluminum-free shit. Wear the odorant that works and please brush your teeth. I'm begging y'all, we can't be stinky. I throw my hair up in a messy bun and run downstairs to have my breakfast of orange juice. When my mother tells me she sold me to one direction. What a crazy thing. Here's the thing about modern cinema and literature today. I have yet to see the innovation, the creativity, the originality that was packaged in to 135 chapter Wattpad, one direction fan fiction. The ingenuity, is that the word I'm thinking of? The in the in in inventive? The inventive nature and quality to some of those stories, make fun of them as you may. It's a great story telling. What do you mean, your mother sold you and why was I reading this? Like, bless her heart. This is going to be horrible, but it's not. Sold her to one direction. Okay, sure. And for those that don't know, that was a famous fan fiction that went around in like 20, what was that? 2012, 2013 of on Wattpad, of like this quintessential Wattpad girl. I've talked about this so many times. It's like, she's rail thin, ghostly pale, like the most long, gorgeous, healthy hair. You could ever imagine and she's effortlessly gorgeous and beautiful. She just wears her dirty fucking sneakers and her like, skidmark stained underwear and she throws her up in a messy bun and she like, she gets to it. She handles it. Say it with me, she threw her up in a messy bun and she handled it. Do you know what I mean? I watched these, I need y'all to know this. I watched these episodes back and I'm like, you sound like a babbling idiot. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I'm about with it's end with y'all. I'm serious. I cannot deal with it. I'm so sorry. I'd like to apologize a hundred million times. Anyway. Actually, let me tell you something. I did my 23 and me and guess what bitch I'm 90% Irish. I'm 90% Irish and English. But I don't know what that means, right? Like, is that 50% Irish 50% whatever? And actually, I'm lying. It was 99% British and Irish. And the rest of it was Scandinavian. So you guessed it. I'm fucking white. Race reveal. I'm white. 99.9%. 0.01. We don't know. We don't know. Okay? You guys went last one day in my mind. What are they going to let a bro girl do the genie live action remake? Will Smith had his time as the genie. It's my turn. Let me do. Except it's just me doing a Robin Williams impression the whole time. Come on, whisper, lady, do you want? You ain't never had a friend like, try some of column A, try all of column B. Come on, guys. I'm in the mood to help you, dude. Cause he's a goat. That's the part where he's a goat. That's when they're in the city. That was fucking good. And another life I had fucking kills, dude. And another life I'm, I'm swimming through the water and I'm playing as the sunlight catches on the water. And then there's not actually a worry in the world in another in another lifetime. I look exactly as I do now, maybe a little bit less like Captain Barbosa, a little bit more like a water nap. Maybe my features are really exaggerated. And my eyes are so blue, it's like they're like white. Okay. And I'm, I am of the species of nymph that is local to sort of the Gulf of Mexico, like the coast of Texas. That's where my mermaid clan is from. And we swim and we have fun. We whatever. But ultimately, the leader gets killed. And someone has to step up. And as we know, the best leaders are ones that do not want to do it. Because they're selfless, right? Like they're always thinking about us. We a community. It's not about me and what I want. And so I think that would happen to me. I think my father would be the leader. And I've practiced my whole life. I've grown my whole life just being a happy, go lucky water nymph that is really, really super into like making music from clamshells and beaded, maybe beaded things, beaded wares, home decor, shell decor, etc. And then someone like gets my dad, or he's in some political war. Maybe my dad was corrupt. And I was like, I'm not gonna, everything my bad. I'm not gonna be like my dad. And then something happens to him. And they're like, you're up. And I'm like, God, dare it. I said, what did I say? Number 69, TSA pre-check. Number 70 butt wipes. In that order. - This beautiful thing that I'm got, haes, haes. - Bins and Boon, no comment. - At this point, it's more of a threat than a promise. A man is gonna enter my life in July. - Keep him, I don't, I'm not ready for all that shit. It's like a threat. Like my fire flight is going and I'm just sitting here in my home. I really, really, really enjoy an unemployed man. For some reason, I don't know why I just do. And what do you do for work? Ah, I'm in between jobs. - How long have you been in between jobs? - Fuck. - That's the type of young gentleman I go for. - I went to the bookstore today, picked up the Iliad, the Odyssey, I picked up Sunrise and the Reeping Thank You. I picked up, what else? Oh, Cersei, that I went to the bookstore with one book in mind. I was like, I'm only getting Cersei 'cause I just finished song of Achilles. I will get to that. I will get to that. Let me get to it. And I was like, I'm on this metal and Miller kick, I gotta go pick up Cersei 'cause all the girls are telling me you gotta read Cersei. It's even more devastating. It's their favorite book of all time. Okay, I believe you. So I went to my local Barnes & Noble and I went and picked up Cersei. And then about six other books. Fuck, I don't think I'll be an American. 'Cause you forget I'm an American sometimes when I'm really deep into it. I've gone to UK before and when I'm there, I'll go to Greggs, I'll go to the local pub, whatever. And I'll go in a sort of order and I'll always wonder like, do they know I'm American? 'Cause you can put it on quite thick. You can do the accent quite thick and I'll always wonder like, are you clocking me? Like, are you seeing through my sort of facade? Fassard. And I never know, I never know. 'Cause I've gone up to Greggs one time. Gregg, I've gone to visit Gregg. And I've ordered like a sausage roll, like a disgusting, greasy sausage roll, maybe like a kebab. And yeah, I don't know if I even cared. Or I've gone up to like a Mackees, probably like that. I don't know, maybe three, four years ago, I was in UK, ordered a Mackees. And I went out and I was like, yay, you want enough cuts? I don't know, number four. She said, um, is that all? She was American. And I was like, yeah, that's a holy shit, guys. One zero, zero? One hundred times. I've sat my ass in this chair and talked about nothing. Nothing. But at the same time, everything. I think I've covered pretty much all the bases. And here's the beautiful thing about womanhood. I haven't even scratched the fucking surface. I have not even scratched the surface. 100 episodes deep. And you bitches haven't even, you have no clue, okay? There's so much more with that came from 100. And I got this beautiful cake here. This beautiful 100 episode cake. Now, don't look at the back. 'Cause mama kind of went down on it, okay? Mama was sitting here, got a munching on it. I was eating it from the back. Sam. Oh, I don't know. Everything I consumed was made as plastic. I'm turning into a fucking plastic carton. It's plastic in my blood. I don't know. Fuck off. Oh my God. He liked to move and move it. We liked to move and move it. We liked to move it physically, physically, physically, physically, physically, physically, physically, physically, physically, physically. Okay, that was hard to say. Here's what, okay, let me finish my thought. And watching Frankenstein's creature learn the world and the small things to find beauty where usually we don't pick up on it. It was so, it made me cry. It was so good. It's gonna make me cry again. It was so good. Oh, Jacob already. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't think I'd talk shit on Jacob already at all. But now I'm crying over him, so that's awesome. I am experiencing caffeine overdose. Caffeed overdose. And I am wondering what, at what level is it? I'm in a dreamscape. At what level, you know, like I can't feel my hands. I feel like I've got double vision. I feel like, I feel like a white walker. I had so much damn caffeine I turned into a white walker. So I just really feel like the way Killian Murphy's eyes or so icy blue in that one scene of Oppenheimer put it up on the screen. You know what I'm talking about? When the camera's real tight in on his face and it zooms in and he's, and then it's the music playing in the background as the body's, he's stepping over charred bodies. That's how I feel. 'Cause that's how many fucking red bulls. Maybe I need a duck, maybe I need a pet duck. The next time I film it, look, they're so cute. Why aren't, where are they going? Where are you guys going? Oh, I had a dreamless ad about my ex-situationship as well. (sighs) Boy, I've got to free, free me. Fuck, seriously. I bet US dollars that he paid an Etsy witch to do that to me. I'm, I am livid. I'm livid. I can't believe you permeated my dream space to send me that fuck ass message. And let me, hold on. I don't know if I've ever told you all this. (sighs) So, so, so, so. And for the girls who were like, Queen, quit fucking around, draft the album. When's the single coming? It's fucking out. I hope you bitches are hungry. Eat. Come get y'all juice. It's here. And if you didn't know what I'm talking about, I went ahead and actually had released a single. (laughs) I had released an original piece of music. So, if anyone gives it shit. Also, they're (laughs) that's an inside joke between me and my friends. We'll say, they'll be like, oh my God, how was your meeting? How was whatever? I'll be like, it was great. But, you know, like you give a shit. Actually, that's my friend Channing's bit. It's my friend Channing and Tristan's bit. And I kind of had poached it from him. I stole it from him. They'll be like, well, Brittany, we know you don't give a shit, but last night went great. (laughs) I didn't ever say, I don't care. (laughs) I dropped a single, like y'all give a fuck. No one gives a fuck. (laughs) It's a joke. Okay, it's done and the people that I want to have it, it's yours. Like a broskination, my fucking people, my municipality city state. Do we have clean water, no? Do we have health care, no? Do we have fresh crops, no? But do we have a fucking single? Yeah, and y'all are getting fed regardless. And you're getting fed again soon, okay? So keep those baby bird mouths open. This episode is sponsored by Galatea. Between work, errands, and whatever the group chat is spiraling about today, life rarely slows down. But you don't need to wait for the perfect moment to arise. Romance is ready when you are. Whether it's a quick escape or an all night binge, Galatea puts steamy, swoon worthy stories right at your fingertips. Galatea is a reading act where anyone craving a little me time can dive into a library of romance stories that leave you feeling recharged and fulfilled. There's over 1,000 bestsellers to choose from. From shifter romance to bad boy billionaires, forbidden love, slow burn fantasy, teen drama, and much, much more. Galatea is home to original series and standalone stories with an exclusive catalog of bestselling authors. With new chapters and series dropping every week, there's always something new to explore. Over 30 million people have fallen in love with reading on Galatea. So join now to indulgent stories that make you feel like yourself again. And right now, Galatea is offering my listeners an extra 25% off on top of an already irresistibly affordable subscription when you go to Galatea.com/broskey. That's g-a-l-a-t-e-a.com/broskey to indulgent unlimited stories for even less. Galatea.com/broskey. Y'all know that one of my favorite movies of all time is from Danny Jr. Sherlock Holmes. Hello, and can Guillermo Del Toro just Sherlock Holmes please, for the love of God, please? Can we just like find a way? I'll help finance it. Okay, now I don't have the money for it, but I will find a way. I'll sell something. I'll figure it out, just leave it to me. What does swan legs look like? Swan legs. Oh, there's absolutely no meat on that, but that's not a swan. That's a swan. Goofy-all legs. Goofy-all legs, bro. That is so, it's just tendons. No meat on the swan bone. I wonder what that, I wonder what that feels like on the hand. Like if you were to grab-- I think I would have enjoyed one more if they would have been playing the car soundtrack over the speakers. It's real gone if they would have been playing some Rascal Flash Life as a highway, if they would have been doing some behind the clouds, the sun is shining. Brad Paisley again, Brad Paisley mentioned two weeks in a row. That soundtrack is just fucking great. Life could be dream, would up the boom, shop boom, life could be dream. And you're divided, I'm the only one that I love. And you're the darling, I love, I love, I love, life could be dream. Sweetheart, hello, hello again. You don't even bother to meet again. What a great song. Yeah, that whole soundtrack, if they would have been playing that, you know, volume 150 over those three, I don't want to hear the commentary. Oh, the clouds are overtaking. No. Cars are hitting each other, smack it against one another. That would have been the vibe. Okay, in my head, the movie that's always playing in my head, that would have been the collage sequence, the montage. Number 64, having violent mood swings. It's in. I've decided it's in. Where are the bipolar bitches? Stand up. It's our time. Get up. Guys, hey, but also, oh my god. Am I making sense? I had a quad from Duncan. Okay, hello to Duncan. And I'm feeling like I could be giving 13 different commencement speeches at once. Like I'm teaching a lecture in one side of my brain, and I'm giving a commencement speech in another, and I'm doing the podcast in another. Like a lot's going on up here. And I'm trying to, I'm trying to channel it. I'm trying to, I'm trying to channel it. I am trying to channel it. Just made a new word. ♪ Every road in the stern land ♪ ♪ I've been everywhere man ♪ ♪ I've been everywhere man ♪ ♪ I crossed the desert bare man ♪ ♪ Breathe the mountain air man ♪ ♪ Travel I've had my share man ♪ ♪ I've been everywhere ♪ ♪ I've been hanging in the hangin' ♪ ♪ I've been hanging in the hangin' ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ The creep me and this boogie ♪ ♪ It's the biggest and the wookie ♪ ♪ The old together cookie ♪ ♪ The other family ♪ ♪ Go mash ♪ (laughing) Anyway, I'm laying in bed. Chomp halfway down my throat. I bite into it with my back right molar. Some of my tooth comes off. What? What, but that's uh. But I hear you on the other side of the screen saying, Brittany, that's a soft food. Yeah, you think I don't fucking know that? I guess I just have the most brittle enamel known to man, okay? My teeth need to be studied by Scientologists. Hold on. My teeth, hold on. My teeth need to be studied by scientists. Dental Scientologists. Okay, you want a Snickers Dance. Put on a show. I want to see choreography. I want to see you guys work for this fucking treat. Okay, what I want to see is more tricks. Trick or treat! And then you got to start dancing. Trick. Okay, and then I do a head spin. Trick, armed robbery. Trick or treat! Trick, arson. I throw a Molotov cocktail through your window and I run away. And it's like, who did it? I don't know, it was a little girl. Maybe it was a little boy. I don't know, dressed as Uncle Fester. Actually, they worked that little. They were kind of mid-sized plus-size and they were about five foot nine. Grown-ass man, Uncle Fester. Okay. The guy who does the huge act, man. That's one of the funniest bits that's ever happened on the internet, by the way. And just keeps getting funnier. Like, somehow he's cracked the code to where that shit, day by day, gets funnier. And I don't know. Some days I'm like, okay, I'm over it. And then I'll watch a really good one. I'm like, oh my god. And he changes the words to like, Ryan Reynolds, Lofa Brad. It's so funny. Okay, back to Mucus. It's the most wonderful time of the year. There'll be much with so blowing. And I don't really know the words of that song. Okay, and I texted a picture myself to Drew and she said I was like, no, it's Farato. Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, bitch. I'm Fester Adams. How? Number 25, flirting with the Knights at Medieval Times. I would highly recommend you get some girls together, go to Medieval Times, and really lay it on thick. Sit front row. Okay, and if you're not front row, be loud. Be the loudest people in your section. This is something actually that picks me off about people going to Medieval Times. You're going to Medieval Times and you sit there and you be quiet. Gives them something they're performing when you go to Medieval Times. And then, you know, the Knights do their little parade around and they're whatever, and you know, they give their flower to somebody. I want to see you, bitches, on your feet. Add attention. Stand up on the over here, over here, over here. That's what you need to be doing. Because guess what? The joy in their face, the joy in the Knights faces. So it makes it all worth it. It makes it all worth it. They also do this crazy move where I was like, it's all over his head. They do this crazy move. It looks like it looks like when swans like sort of fly and then like, get in the water and just sort of coast. Like, you know what I mean? You guys, you guys just don't. Okay. I travel. They still let me on planes. Even though I got this big farder on me. Even though, even though, hey, carry on this big ass, this big shitter. And not ask in the sexual sense of like, damn, she's got a fatty. This ass is like a weapon. As like, big farder, big shitter. She had whole milk before this. And I just, this last fight I was on, let me know what you guys think about this. Okay. Because sometimes I get on a flight and people are farting next to me. And I'm like, you are the most disgusting fucking nasty human. Get your toes and your farts out of this airplane. I mean that. I mean that. And don't put your feet on shit. Don't put it up on the wall. Up on the thing when your toes are gripping your piss on me off. That's one side of me, okay? The other side of me is if I'm in the air and my stomach hurts, I got a fart. Okay, because I'm in pain. And when your eyes are pressurized, cabin, my guts are bubbling. Okay, I don't have a gallbladder. Cut me some slack. Sometimes I got a fart. And they're blanks. I'm shooting blanks on the plane, okay? I'm farting, but there's no stink in the chamber, okay? Or maybe we're just 30,000 feet up in the air. My nose is plugged out. This is my opinion. This trick-or-treat bullshit. Start dancing. Start dancing now. Recite me a poem. Recite me a scene from a play. I want to see you dance. I want to see a talent show. I want to see a special hidden talent. Okay, even do that shit where you like, remember those kids in middle school would like flip their eyelids upside down? You'd have to like, and we'd all, Eww, do it again. You remember those kids who used to shoot milk out of their eyes? Was that just like, that is such a public school thing? Okay, I don't know if the little kids who were going to like, Catholic school and all that, they weren't in the public lunch room with the government-funded lunch meals shooting milk out of their eye sockets. I don't know if that was happening. That was reserved exclusively for the public school kids. [Music] Now what's in there? You may be asking. A little bit of lead. A little bit of cyanide, right? I'm trying to do this thing where I'm doing small doses. You got to work yourself up. Every morning I take a capsule of lead. A capsule of red 40. A capsule of microplastics. And a capsule of cyanide. You guys are not paying attention. If you- everyone clap three times. Okay, and if you didn't clap, do it with me now. One, two, three, get up. Pay attention. You've been slacking off. We're learning about why birds don't sing at night. And say it with me because they are diurnal. Diurnal. Actually hold on, let me set my intention. Universe, tell me what I need to know. It's right here. I think it's this one. Bitch, what the fuck are Earth Dragon? I literally pulled Earth- earth dragon after I just talked shit after I said I don't want to fucking earth dragon the earth dragon is exactly what I needed. Are you out of your mind? clears your path and the land around you. And it's sick. Can you zoom in on that? The earth dragon's fucking cool. If I was a finale animatronic, that would be gag. Can someone draw me as a. Can someone draw me as a finale animatronic? And why do you think if Chica BBL? And what do you think in FNAF 2 they're going to have the BBL Chica with the like hourglass and kind of like beat beacups maybe? I don't know. Food for thought. If I was a FNAF animatronic, I think I'd be one I would be a good one. I'd be like, "Guys, we can't keep doing this. We're kids." Guys, come on, we're just kids. Why are we killing people? But honestly if I was actually if I was a FNAF animatronic, I'd go along with the flow. I feel like I'd be kind of spineless. I'd be like, "Oh, we're all killing people." Well, I don't want to be bullied for like not killing people. There's nothing is worse. Murder can't be worse than being bullied. Do you guys talk for Uncle FesterDrag? Go Mage! Okay, moving on. I feel like the number one thing I really wanted to say is that my tonsils are kind of touching each other today and they're filled with tonsils stones and I really don't know how to at what age is it to like it's not cool to get your tonsils out. Like if I'm pushing 30, I'm 28. Careful. Hey, careful now. Easy. Easy, boy, whoa. I'm pushing 30. If I'm like, "I need my tonsils out because they're touching." You know what I mean? Because that happens. And oh my god, don't even get me started on when I get a head cold. Then bitches touch. Then bitches want to kiss so bad. The sexual tension between my tonsils. When I have a fucking head cold, they want to get close and personal. They want to spoon. And I'm like, "Guys, can I do this stuff?" "Guys, can I do this stuff?" "I have stuff to do. I have to talk for a living." And then they start kissing and they start giving each other sloppy. Stop! Goons! I'm punching myself in the throat. Stop! I said, "You know, I have phases. I had the Tom Blythe phase. I had this felt fucking bullshit phase. Whatever. Jack O'Connell. Yeah. I can't meet him. I still can't meet him in person. There's no fucking way." And I know he'd be so nice. He'd be so fucking nice. I can't meet him. No, thank you. No, thank you. I'm an act real weird. I'll act real, real weird around Jack O'Connell. Yeah, I'll say some shit I'll regret. I'm over this idea that you need to be. I'm cool. I'm not telling. Be fucking weird because you are. Who are you hiding from? He's gonna find out eventually, girl. Just fucking be weird. I don't care. I'm loud. I'm doing voices. I'm doing the whatever. I'm pulling references at his dinner. If they catch the wave, they're going to ride it, girl. They're going to ride the wave, okay? And they like it. They like weird bitches. They won't admit it, though, okay? And also if a man is weirded out by you, not your man. Get the fuck away from me. Get away. Be weird around men. It's the winter time. And if Ariana Grande gets that Audrey Hepburn biopic role, I just went nonverbal. Watch me. Turn this podcast into the Ariana Grande report. Bet on that bitch. Y'all thought I was insufferable when Elvis came out? Fuck you. If Ariana Grande does an Audrey Hepburn biopic, I am going to be the most insufferable person you have ever laid eyes upon, ever listened to, ever seen in your life. I am going to make that my entire personality. I'm going to get those fucked up micro bangs. I'm going to start wearing pearls everywhere and gloves. Bitch, watch. I'm going to weigh 100 pounds soak and wet. I'm going to take that shit so personally. Are you going to please my bad biopic? Oh my God. I don't ask for much. I just ask for Harry Styles and Jack Carlotta to come on royal court. Maybe Hozier. Okay. And I'm asking for Ariana Grande to be a fucking Audrey Hepburn biopic, please. Or at least I can represent Tiffany's Roman holiday remake on Netflix. Please, Marley. I'm not really I'm going to watch it. Okay. So have a great sleep tonight. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. I don't know why. I don't know why you watch. I don't know what possibly could interest you. If unless it's thermodynamics, then guess what? You're in luck. [Music]