Brian Williams | Club Random with Bill Maher

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I get it. And for fellow lovers of, well, green, the Club Random merch store has you covered. Grinders, papers, and Zippo lighters, all designed to support your relationship with green. Wink, wink, whatever. And whatever philosophy comes with that for you. Head to ClubRandom.com and bring home some random. What do you know about the Jews? You're the least Jew-y guy I know. Why are you telling me? Are you sure about this? Yeah. Club Random. These are all LBJ Democrats. They are now-- they tend to all be MAGA. Club Random. Ryan Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Sands Hotel and Casino. Holy crow, you're really here. Mr. Dean Martin. How are you, bro? Oh, nice to-- so good of you to have me. Oh, are you kidding? This is perfect. I have to tell you, and you know, don't make this weird, but I have been waiting for so long to get you alone. If I had a nickel. What? That's something I hear every day. And well, I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, and I know you're in the game now. Back in the game. No, the podcast game. I know. I'm on television. Like, 20 years ago, somebody said podcasting was, like, I-- boy, I would never have invested, like-- We're old guys. So what I get a kick out of is someone says, and it's a live podcast. And I'll say, have you tried radio? Because that's very cool as well. And then a piece in the journal said that Netflix is looking at a model where they would have scheduled shows airing on certain channels. And it reminded me of a television network. But it's so weird. I went from bright lights, big city, big studio, stage manager, a guy who's only responsible for your lavalier and your water, to tiny studio, tiny cameras, huge microphones. Well, that's one thing I avoided here. Yeah, these are very nice. I purposely do this this way-- by the way, speaking of that. It's a chemistry set. Can I pour you something? No, I'm good. I don't drink. And this would be such an unfortunate time to begin. You never drank? Or you just-- No, I did. I never drank to excess. There was one night on the beach in Keensburg, New Jersey. Seriously? And tequila was the culprit. Because I came of age. I'm 17. I went into the fire academy. So I always had a responsibility. Right, you're a fireman. And-- Firemen must drink. And volunteers-- well, they do. Volunteers drive to the firehouse. So you wake up in the middle of the night. In fact, on the way here, my guys are out at an alarm right now. If you wake up in the middle of the night, job one is waking up and driving, flashing lights to the firehouse, open the bay doors, get your gear on. You're learning about the call. Get on the apparatus and go. So you're saying there's a fire you're supposed to be at now, but you came here. Well, it's in New Jersey, which would have meant a long drive to get there. See, you live in New Jersey. Yes, I have-- But you do the show out here, don't you? The Netflix show? No, we're in lower Manhattan. Netflix is building this huge campus on what used to be Fort Monmouth, decommissioned military fort, that employed about half the parents of my high school graduating class. Ted Sarandos grew up at exit 105. I was at exit 114. And so it was a huge employer in his town. And when the time came, then Governor Murphy of New Jersey greased the sale of this decommissioned Fort Monmouth. It's massive. There's barracks. There's a PX bowling alley, theater. And they're putting up, I think, eight sound stages there. Hollywood, as you may know, started in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Yes, I know. Until somebody came out here and said, oh, listen. The weather's beautiful. We won't lose light until-- We won't lose light until 8 o'clock at night. And winters are like a summer day. And that was enough of Fort Lee, New Jersey. My father was in your game. You know, my father was a newsman. And he drove every day from northern New Jersey down to Fort Lee. And then you cross the bridge. GW Bridge. And he would park in Washington Heights, up on the other side of the bridge, and take the subway to Midtown. That's hardcore. That was a commute every day. That's hardcore. I wanted to ask you about your dad, because as a young, news hound, kid, I read everything. Dinner in our house could not begin until Cronkite said, that's the way it is. My parents didn't force it on us, but that's just-- They watched it. The way-- oh, yeah. And so you watched it with them. We watched it as a family. Yeah, I remember that. And this is height of Vietnam. That is gone in America. And families-- 100%. --like communal experience like that, which is so important. 100%. But you had it. And I had it. Yeah, because we're old, and old is good. Old is fantastic. And when we got in the car, news radio was on. So I knew your father's voice-- Really? --and name. And when he would say his name, he pronounced it differently than you do. No, he didn't. Maher. It was two syllables. Who would know this better? I'm the kid listening. You were blinded by familial relations. I promise you, my own father-- I'm John Maher. --was two syllables. Let's pull some air checks. Please do. Don't fight me on this. I have some. OK. I have one where he's-- I wish I had more doing the news. This is when every radio station had news at the top of the hour. The hour. And he was one of those guys who got the news off the wire and did it like he had stopwatches, because it had to come in right at five minutes. He never said it before. It's news. Yep. And I remember I have the one-- I'm so glad I have this one where he's announcing-- one news story, which was Mickey Mantle retirement. And he was like-- you know, my father had a real flair to it. You know, he could have-- Number seven. He left a mark on me. I remember your dad's voice. That's awesome. Two syllables, but I remember your dad's voice. I'm so proud. I can't believe you're arguing with me about me. Like, I don't get that. Like, when people do that-- I believe in the power of my argument. But you know people who do that, who argue with you about yourself, and like, insist, oh, Brian, you can get any job you want. You have to be like, wouldn't I know this better? What don't you get about this? Yeah, yeah, I understand. But I'm going to go to my-- I'm going to die on this hill. This girl I went out with 1,000 years ago, and she was very cute. And she was working as a receptionist. And she said, all day long, people say to me, you know, you should be a model. And she says, I always want to go, don't you think I thought of that? Like, if I could, I'm like-- I'm purposely being a receptionist because-- I look like Bruma Hilda? Yeah, I know. I turn the modeling agencies down. I get it. I get it. There are some businesses, you know, especially entertainment, certainly sports, where you can be so good. You can be such a good basketball player and still not be in the NBA. You can be so astoundingly gorgeous and still not make-- you know, and that's why there's OnlyFans. No, I'm kidding. Stop. right now. I love what you've done here. It's beautiful. When are you going to fire that sucker up? Are you serious? Well, I'm. Oh, that you'll do? Awesome. No, no, no, no. Oh. Here's the thing. I'm an enthusiast. What does that mean? But edibles. Edibles have become so adjustable, so goddamn yummy, and so good. I just had one. That's why I'm not lighting this up. I learned a long time ago that indica means into couch. And sativa, I don't like what sativa does. I'm the opposite. But with edibles this good, I will never inhale that shit into my lungs if I don't have to. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm trying to do. The problem with eating it is, of course, that it's just a commitment. And, you know, Brian, I've never been married. Commitment ain't my thing, you know. But I'm committed to, like, being high for, like, five or six hours. Wow. And I'm just not, I don't always want to do that. You'd be a bad. firefighter because I'd always be high for that reason alone I'd be really frown on that also I hate fire yeah that's well that's a good trait to have as a firefighter well anytime I see it I'm only trying to get away from it you want to defeat the enemy but like during COVID uh one of the symptoms I got was uh insomnia and it did not fit well in my life and it was either become a hopeless ambient addict or take a tablet of you know pure go to hell THC and it's fantastic now I've had to roll over for some overnight fire calls because I don't feel fit to hop in my car and drive at a high speed that's what gets you you say you're taking it for sleep for relaxation yeah I don't um I I am yeah you that you are trust me I was a marijuana expert there are just a few different groupings I would say of people's reactions apart you are what we would call group a or b whatever I'm a different group your group is you take it to sleep yeah it relaxes you yeah I'm the opposite I'm I get high yeah I get it that sounded just like Dick Nixon you know it's I I like soaring here's my family history I had a brother who moved a lot of product during the 60s and 70s brother yes through Arizona I probably knew him um uh like kilos at a time and it would arrive in brown paper and then saran wrap baby powder to kill the smell saran wrap and then you know hey folks you know what kills me about American medicine the second your cholesterol creeps up which is basically unavoidable if you eat like a normal person in this country your doctor's got one move pills that's it numbers went up here's a prescription well welcome to the rest of your life as a human Pez dispenser they want to put you on a lifelong regimen of capsules and a lot of people naturally are hesitating these days we don't want to get stuck taking stuff we aren't comfortable with for the rest of our lives people want options and want to feel like they actually have a say in how they take care of their own bodies 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entering random.co slash random or entering random.co slash random at checkout that's d o s e d a i l y dot c o slash random for 35 off your first month's subscription so he moved a lot of product uh I don't drink because I had a brother a regular Pablo Escobar your brother well um I don't drink because I had a brother who enjoyed it too much and it died of alcoholism so I was answering your question I never enjoyed it that much and I've always either had a responsible job or I had to go to fire calls so I had reason not to get gooned so how many hours a week are you on call when I'm in Jersey you're there you you have an app on your phone we have old school pagers that we rare that are that are next to the bed and uh I've tried for 50 years to figure out uh the the pattern of calls it is club random it you know 90 percent of what we go on turns out to be bullshit it's a bad alarm a bad alarm head a co2 alarm that's gone bad um when you catch a real one you know you've got to be ready for that um so you're you're subject to the call of I always say that about cops like you know do they make a lot of mistakes sadly yes but they are human and it is a tough job and no one ever calls the cops to the cops and they don't call the cops to the cops to the front porch to tell them how well the marriage is going yeah that's right yeah they um they're like invisible civil servants it's a job nobody wants but um no I hope this is not an indelicate question but um I mean it's mostly a young man's game are they uh do you come up against an age limit where they say you have to retire at 70 and you've got to hang up your hose I am still I am uh what's called come on Brian have a drink I am and I can tell you I can tell there's a party animal in there I am dying to get out considered an interior firefighter so every year I have to pass certain qualifications that means you wear the respirator you go in so no age limit your hands and knees I most guys I know who are who have taken themselves out and who now stay outside at the fire scene have done so because they got a stent or they they have a problem with their feet they are overweight or they're just too old they don't feel it anymore or it hurts the next day we're crawling in attics where it fires are fought mostly from your knees because the good air is down there bad air is up here whoa what a great tip yeah well if you're ever fighting one stay low I I should have known that or I probably did and forgot about it because I smoked too much pot I love it so much it's a portable skill we have great exercises at the academy one of them is called flashover it can reach 1400 degrees you're in a shipping container they close the doors light a conflagration at the front of the container and it's it's about thermodynamics they open and close the rear door they allow oxygen to feed it it blows up and rolls over your head you can you actually have to keep your helmet out of it because it's it's above your head it'll melt your face shield it'll really up your helmet so but you can reach up and touch fire whatever level you're getting I would say stick with it because your skin looks fantastic oh thank you very much I feel like it's just this gentle peel that you're getting it's fantastic you really can't buy anywhere else I love it and no one can bother you in there because because this is this is a special skill you're you're with some of your best friends people you would do anything for you always um you're surrounded by a team it's it's it's terrific you do feel it in your fillings wedding ring snaps on your coat it's that hot see we're both the same generation we're both boomers but I'm a true Boomer you're more like the greatest generation no yeah you are that's a greatest I'm not doing it that's like a greatest generation thing that you're doing I'm more like the typical baby boomer it's so funny the kids today are so incredibly spoiled with everything and they think I I they thought we were spoiled I I remember hearing a lot of that yeah true as the 60s war on it's like oh boy you don't hit your kids anymore my dad in Framingham Mass they had a kitchen tub and three kids and one bath and you wanted to get first on the bath list and not last but I heard that story a hundred thousand times what story the how he had to grow up in the depression oh I know Monty Python did that awesome sketch about it you know I grew up under a tree branch yeah that's a fantastic sketch we had to sleep on the dirt you had dirt it's fantastic look it up on uh YouTube you viewers that is one of their fantastic you are you are a comedy fan oh and by the way before I forget not that this makes me forgetful um I'm always I've told you this but I'm gonna say it because this is our first time ever like talking or really like being on anything um I was always such a fan oh thank you I always said it was like Cary Grant was doing the news yes you know you had a quality that Peter Jennings I was talking to somebody about him recently he was also erudite like you are you know and cosmopolitan and I mean there's the different one the Dan rather very serious and you know Midwest of Texas and you know and Walter and Uncle Walter and you know but then there was this other time broke oh he was good but he wasn't quite as James Bondy as as you and my mom would get a kick out of hearing that no it was it was a great I I don't really catch up with the nightly news anymore but I mean even when you were there I remember doing funny editorials about how it had devolved from you know real news to like maybe one block of news and then whatever fucking shit happened on a plane that day and then by the time he got to the last segment it was about the one-legged skier and the squirrel on water skis don't forget a perennial and weather like any weather that happened on the East Coast it just means it was snowing or raining in New York and and we are so New York centric you guys went apeshit terrible about a snowstorm hundred percent could have shown the same b-roll from the past hundred percent so I can admit it now did you ever say like hey guys yeah I thought it was bullshit I and you and you could look out the window at 30 Rock but that you got overruled watch the Fleur de Ré start count to 10 and someone was saying should we lead with weather because everyone lives here in New York correct meantime Southern California right first of all the whole state of California was so ill served continues to be I was home at 930 when it was airing fresh in California we would do the first feed at 630 Eastern it would go on tape we had some standby anchor in Burbank to do some cumbersome cut into my the West Coast has never had a live broadcast of the evening news and they wonder why it's a decreasing part of American life I hate it's more it's more this squirrel water yeah I guess that's why and it and it irked my father it was even starting then and I remember him saying how to mock her go ahead you know he really hated that people hate it when their name is mispronounced we pronounced it wrong and so it's natural because it has an H in the middle for you to think that that's what happened the years passed in your brain transposed that this is what you thought and you then you thought my father said it which is preposterous because I know my father and you don't anyway so I forgot what we're talking about why was I we were talking about New York centrism in and how it affected the news oh my father used to always say yeah you know they they squawked for years that they only got a half hour yeah and when it became the waters squirrel squirrel on water squirrel on water it was like you can't even fill 20 minutes because 10 minutes was commercials and it's like and then you would watch something like BBC for me I don't know that's McNeil layer her yeah and it was a lot more sober and adult and you know this was just and also yeah and then you would watch something like BBC for me I don't know that's McNeil layer her yeah and it was a lot more sober and adult and you know this was just yeah I think the thinking there is you've made a like the airline say we know you have a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made an affirmative choice to watch CBS at 630 Eastern Time so you might ergo you must watch 60 minutes Sunday nights ergo you must be as broken up about the loss of Ed as we are that's the thinking yeah I think the thinking there is you've made a like the airline say we know you have a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel you've made a choice in air travel we thank you for flying with us you've made a choice in air travel and you hold them to account just about every week and it's interesting to hear audience reaction when you get serious they get serious they laugh at the laugh lines right they know you so well yeah they know when you're kind of settling in to make a point yeah now that's well said and that's what I'm trying to do and I mean I don't know when you maybe just part of what media does I just did the rope line at the like the Mark Twain thing I got well sure yeah at the Donald Trump John F Kennedy oh I could tell you stories about what a mission guys this whole was even I didn't think it would happen and anyway it did but on the you know they ask you the questions and this it's very often these the same kind of questions you know like what don't you know what else do you want to do you know like nothing I just want to keep my job I'm good I'm good like what do you think I'm lacking in my job I'm good I go they pay me so well and you know I get to say what I want the network is very supportive it's fun as fuck it's a comedy but you get ample time off I get yeah I'll be appearing at chuckles yeah I don't do that anymore I know I'm not on the road it was the last time you played Atlantic City Atlantic City well I mean my last stand-up show was December of 2024 probably that year or the year before I was Atlantic City was one of those cities you could like Vegas where you could play more than a little because it was an out-of-town crowd yeah you know for years I played Vegas every couple of months and loved it yeah but passages in life you know and what did Leno do he banked his he banked his NBC salary and used stand up for spending money to acquire his car collection which is one way of doing J is at once the most brilliant Machiavellian were I mean I think he's also a great person but you know he's an eccentric yeah not just the cars but yes the whole idea of like stock market too risky I mean you can look at a chart of money you put in a century like where the stock market went from a century ago to where about and it's like the stock market thing goes whoo even with the crashes good whoo yeah straight up and the other one kind of just crawls along the bottom yeah you know Bush had the idea to privatize Social Security like you put money in when we were young that comes in the market because it will over 50 years it's just sitting there while you age that wasn't the worst idea in the world no you know that comes up still every couple of years what to do that izing Social Security I think which yeah I'm surprised why Trump hasn't like jumped on that one he certainly isn't afraid of socialistic practices he takes over companies what he wants and the Democrats now so that's exciting yeah well that's exciting that's what I said about the last like and you lost a crazy contest to a crazy person and now I mean it's nothing's crazier than you can think of I mean it's nothing's crazier than you can think of you lost a crazy contest to a crazy person and now I mean it's nothing's crazier than you can think of canceling Thanksgiving. You don't fuck with Thanksgiving. I think we've learned that as we sit here. We've just learned that she's not going to be the next governor of Wisconsin. If we were writing a sketch where they had, you know, okay, we want to really exaggerate this. What crazy thing that no normal person would ever go for can the Democrats get behind? No bad ideas, and then, you know, cancel Thanksgiving. I would add the NFL to that, and I'd add meat. Meat's great. What's the NFL? This is one of Carvel's harangues. They're anti-NFL because of toxic masculinity. They're anti-meat because the cows that supply the meat fart all day, and that is giving us methane and killing us. Well, it is. Both things are true. What was the first one? Thanksgiving, the NFL, and meat. NFL. NFL. That one I have not heard. Who thinks liberals are against the NFL? This is, again, I'm quoting James. I know, but I never saw that anywhere. Did you? Somebody needs a Google machine. When we're done here, you march your little ass up to your laptop. You've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Because it's violent? Yes, it's toxic masculinity. See, this is where the libertarianism, and I come out. I mean, I've done editorials about this. I watch these games. These players are happy. This is their happy place when it goes well. Yes, it breaks your bones. As an adult, you have to have the right to say, I get it. This could fuck me up. Later in life will not be as good. I don't care. That's my choice to do it now. And you and I know an elite level of suffering, which is called being a Giants fan. What? We've won. Oh, my. God. Not for a while, but, you know, football's hard. Just horrible. I know. Just horrible. I hope they. I took my father to the 85, 86 Super Bowl against Denver. It was out here at the Rose Bowl. Spent like my last penny to get him a ticket. It's a mitzvah. Yeah. He was a lifelong Giants fan from like almost their inception. Wow. He was born in 21. I think they were born in 1925. Yep. I have all the stuff. I wear my 56 jersey, and I love it. Sundays are a big deal. I'm also a NASCAR fan. Want to know what cracks me up about modern men? We claim we want simplicity. Then we sit on a wallet so thick it's giving us scoliosis. It's absurd. This is why Ridge disrupted the whole game with their sleek, minimalist wallets, power banks, and travel gear. And right now they are back with their sixth annual sweepstakes. Running through September 8th. Tony Hawk, who has been a guest here, is the official spokesperson this year, and the prizes are truly ridiculous. Two winners choose between a Lamborghini Huracan Storado, the world's first off-road supercar with a 610 horsepower V10, a Hennessey Velocraptor with a 558 horsepower twin turbo, whoa, a custom Ford Brunswick, a Bronco, I know what that is, wrapped in Kevlar on 37-inch tires, or a hundred grand cash. I definitely know what that is. 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I'm like, you're one of those guys, like-- Kevin Costner is another one of those guys. He's from out here, from California. But people think you're from the Midwest. You know, like, if I didn't know that, I'd be like, NASCAR and, you know, Anchor. You know, you got to be kind of from the middle of the country because you're anchoring it. You know? I started in-- my first job was in Kansas. I lived in Joplin, Missouri, and commuted every day. That's where you're from. That's where I had to start. But it was a quick 13 months, and I moved east because I was broke. I still go-- You're willing to take any job anywhere? Hell, yes. I got a courier job when I thought I had bombed out of television. I was making $173 a week, and that was really hard. You think that kids today-- Do they lack that kind of-- It's been proffered that they might, that there's more of a victimization culture. And because I have college loans, I am, ergo, a victim kind of thing. I am not encumbered by college loans. A high school degree, I recommend. By the way, with AI coming, send your kids to a trade school. We need welders. AI can't frame a house. They can't hang sheetrock. They can't wire or plumb a house. All the trades-- I just had Mike Rowe on the show last week. Well, Mr. Dirty Jobs. Yeah. And he's really a great apostle for carrying this message forward, and he's been at it for a long time, and he's right. And we were talking about the sad fact that not only do we need these jobs, but there are some 7 million able-bodied men who are what they call not in the labor force. That's different than unemployed. Unemployed is you're looking for a job. You can't find it. This is not working. Not even thinking about it, yeah. Xbox or whatever. I mean, and I'm sure people are going, oh, look at these two old white men talking about the kids today. In my day. Yeah, but also engage with the idea. Is it also somewhat true, at least somewhat true? There's a big story this week about the $20 burrito. Have you heard this? Is Erewhon selling burritos now? No, somebody was complaining, some young person, like 23, was complaining that, you wonder why we vote for a socialist? Because a burrito was $20. Turned out, yeah, because it was Uber-eated over. Because they think having food actually just brought to them is part of the living expense. Good point. Yeah, that'll do it. That just doubles your costs right there. But you're confused. Contributing to the Uber Eats and DoorDash driver economy, which is made up of people who try to make it. Which, by the way, few people ever talk about this. I did it once with Amazon. Food's cold? With Amazon, the disaster shopping like that is on the environment. A disaster. Well, look at the carbon footprint of Amazon. But also bringing your food to you. Everybody needs their food brought to them. In my day, we went out. We went out for pizza, yeah. Well, that's true, too. But we're not saying it because we're old. We're saying it because it's true. Come on. And because you're hypocritical about your love of the environment. Because you don't care. I mean, I very rarely order from Uber Eats or DoorDash, whatever it is. But when I do, I'm astounded at the amount of paper and plastic that one person's order generates. One person. And Amazon, you know, people order five pair of pants. Oh, they'll bring the other four back that don't fit. So people are, you know, using gas to take your pants back and forth across the country. No argument in the country. And everything comes in a giant box and the plastic. Nobody talks about it. It's like, you know what? Liberals, conservatives, we both don't want to give this up. So let's just shut the fuck up about it. I understand. Yeah. All right. Victory you. There's no other argument to make. I don't even know what the argument is. Were we arguing? I mean, there's no other side to that. The carbon footprint has expanded exponentially due to convenience. Yes. I mean. It's a trade-off. And there is something hypocritical about those who use these things and pretend to be environmentalists. I like to think of myself as an environmentalist to the extent that I totally am on board with. It is still a calamity. Even though we have ones that have seemed to have superseded it, like AI. But it is still a calamity. Slow motion. But, you know, did they get some things wrong where they made it seem like it was going to be worse by now than it was? Yes. And that made a lot of people kind of skeptical. But it is still a really important thing that's going on. 100%. But I also flew private a lot to get to gigs. Yeah. And I don't feel bad about it. Well, it was part of your job, in a way. It's part of my job. And even if it wasn't, zillions of people take zillions of flights every day. It wouldn't have made a difference. And every environmentalist you can imagine, I can show you a picture of them getting on a private plane. Yeah. That is a true fact. Let me ask you about the environment here in California. Tomorrow, my wife and I are going to drive up the PCH. And it's the first time I will have seen Malibu since the fires. By the way, we have found great success out east putting water in our hydrants. Just, I want to throw it out there. Just want a little pro tip. Pro tip. Why, Adam Carolla, who I agree with on an increasing number of topics. I love Adam. Does these videos on the PCH showing the vacant lots in Malibu. And highlighting the ridiculous permit process in this. The coastal commission, you've got the bass administration. We could do 90 minutes on that. Why is California this way? I've been bitching about this. Your solar panels. I watch. Yes, I know, I know. I'm just telling you. Like, you wonder why that part of the left fucking hates me. Because I will not stop saying these kind of things that are crazy. You make me my blood pressure. Now you're doing walking. You're giving me a little walking. I'm not going to stop. Stop saying. I, not just the solar panels. I needed to have my garage needed. It was a three car garage that really was a two car garage. It really was thinking too much of itself. Okay. It was not really made for three. It was an aspirational two car garage. Correct. So I wanted to change this instead of two things, poles holding up the thing, one in the middle. And like three inspections. And there should be no inspections. I should be able to. I should be able to do this on my own. I'm not a child. I know Mike Rowe personally. Yeah. I can have him get the best. If it doesn't impact safety of human beings. So this, and it just shows the fact that we had this fire. It got this incredible amount of publicity. All the eyes of not just the state, but the country and the world are on California. And what will happen with the rebuilding? And even with that level of scrutiny, they could not get their act together. That shows you the power of bureaucracy. Bureaucracy and red tape and people in entrenched positions who were used to a certain way of doing things or whatever it is, but cutting red tape, that is no joke. Yeah. I really thought the mayoral election was going to go the other way. To Spencer Pratt? Yeah. I, I viewed the videos that campaign put out as having the ability to change campaigning forever. The use of the fierce use of AI. Right. The cartoonishness, the caricatures of Karen Bass, that was unbelievable to witness out east, knowing a little bit about, I love coming to Los Angeles. I always have. Really? I was that kid growing up in New Jersey. I bought the whole thing. I bought MASH. I thought, well, hell, they're shooting that in South Korea. I thought there was a place named Mayberry. I didn't know I was looking at sets on Perry Mason. I, I, I loved Mannix because I could see parts of real Los Angeles. I never, our family didn't have money to travel to places like this until I was, I came out here for a living. 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You know, it was just crazy. I love it. I went on the TMZ. I went on the TMZ tour bus about a year ago. Oh, I would do that in a heartbeat. I went on the Universal tour bus and just sat there. 1313 Mockingbird Lane, for God's sakes. Oh, Munsters. Yeah, hell yes. The Bates Hotel. It's all right there. Driving here, we're not going to talk about our location, I wanted to know everyone who lived in every house. I wanted to know how close are we to the Sharon Tate house. Did I just pass that road? I don't know enough. I go to the Sharon Tate house. Sharon Tate house a lot. My friend lived there. Really? Yeah, Jeff Franklin, he bought that property. property. And sadly, I just had lunch with him. He's a great guy, but I guess that. There's some echoes in that house. I've been there many times. I never heard of them. The ghost of Charles Manson never came out of the party room while Chaka Khan was playing in the music room and stabbed me. People are, I think, a little too superstitious. Although, look, could there be such a thing as a ghost? I don't know. I've said this before. I'm not that kind of person. I'm an atheist. But I do also know, I can't deny it, many very smart, reasonable people who insist they were not drunk, not high, not asleep, who had some sort of experience with some spectral entity. I don't know what that is, and I don't know what to do with it. UFO sightings, not so much. That's kind of always the same person. I think the alien. No, that's totally. It used to be the fucking farmer who got anally probed. Now it's the guys with the buzz cuts. Didn't you see that documentary, Disclosure? I mean, these are very serious people. Yeah, I know. I totally think they have been monitoring us for a long time, and they're not even being sort of shy about it now. What do they make of us? Plainly, if they want. If they wanted us dead, we'd be dead by now, as the detective always says, or the criminal. If we wanted you dead, you'd be dead already. I'm so glad I'm not high right now. No, I may be high, but that's not wrong. I just interviewed Roseanne Cash, who I love, for my very modest Netflix show, and she said we may already be dead. She's into quantum physics. She's into all this stuff, and it threw me for about a week. Well, I mean, this is not new. We might be in an alternative universe. Sure. You know, this might be a dream that The Matrix is having with Keanu Reeves. I don't know. Yes, there's many possibilities. I spend zero energy wondering about any of them that I'll never know while I'm alive. What I do know is I'm here now, and that feels real, and I know how to make it either, or try to make it either feel good or bad. It all goes together. It all goes back to the getting high scene with Donald Sutherland in Animal House, where the kid says, wait, do you mean the Earth could be in a molecule under our fingernail? Exactly. It's the same argument. I know exactly what you're talking about. But if you're telling me space is infinite, there's no chance there isn't an orb in space that doesn't support life. Oh, so we do agree. Yeah, I just think the mathematical. The mathematical odds are overwhelming that we're not alone. I don't know about visitations. No, I think they're plainly around, and I just think this, whatever entity this is, it gives me hope in the sense that it looks like, well, they're definitely technologically more advanced than we are. It tells me that if you do get technologically more advanced, maybe you also get morally more advanced, because plainly, they could do a war of the worlds. Remember the movie? Oh, fantastic. I love that movie. Yeah. Oh, Spielberg at his best. Tom Cruise. That was one of the scariest movies. That movie stayed with me because it involved, like Jurassic Park, it involved children, and children were the subject of that great fear. I thought Stephen never got the credit for that film. Tom Cruise was fantastic in that movie. That movie. That, his, his, his choice of creature was so goddamn scary in that movie. It also took place in our home state. They're chewing up the Jersey countryside as they go. But you know, it's from a war of the worlds. Orson Welles. Yeah, but also there was a. A book. A book, H.G. Welles. Yes. Right. Okay. I had trading cards when I was a kid. I had baseball cards. For sure. But I collected those when I was like five, six, seven, eight. I got these other cards. There was a lot of cards back then. Batman cards. Yeah, you know, I remember. Football cards. Beatles cards. Yeah. Cards were a thing. We didn't have the internet. We also had Tiger Beat magazine, but go ahead. I had a series of cards that I inherited from a cousin. So they were probably collected before even I was around. And they were war of the worlds cards. And it looks exactly like they made a movie of it first called Mars Attacks with Jack Nicholson. It looked like that. And it also, the tripods, Spielberg kept that. That's in that book, the tripods, which was a very unique thing and a very creepy thing. I don't know why tripods are creepy. Well, because they're not anthropomorphically us. And Stephen, again, in this most recent movie, Disclosure Day, had. He had to decide on how to imagine an alien. And he went traditional with the egg head and the weird eyes and the big thorax like an ant. When he came out at the end, it was like one of those reality shows that has a reunion episode. A little bit, yeah. And the alien who was here 20 years ago and fucked up your head. Yeah, they were reminiscent of our childhood aliens. Well, whatever it is, I do think they're here and they're queer and we should get used to it because. They're apparently monitoring. But, you know, is the fact that we first tipped into the nuclear age and then now have tipped into the AI age, is this why they seem to be more letting us know they're here? There's more sightings by more military people. It seems like it would be at least foolhardy not at least examine the possibility that nuclear and AI are things that would alarm aliens that these morons got a hold of. You know what I mean? But you're also. These fucking idiots now have AI. No bueno. Guys, turn the tripod around. You know? You're also viewing their judgment, their potential judgment of our embrace of nuclear power and AI through the prism of all that we know, what we call judgment. Do you get what I mean? And I'm not high, I swear to God. No, I. So you're giving them human qualities because. Because this is our only existence. Yeah, that's true. We only know how to explain things. We're anthropomorphous. Yeah, that. Well, I'll have that with the white sauce, yeah. Anthropomorphizing them. And the vinaigrette on the side. Which we do with animals, too. Yes, we do. You know. Cute little baby cows and doggies. They treat animals so bad, but they're never shy about using them in commercials. My family makes so much fun of me. My Instagram feed is dominated by golden retrievers. Donkeys? Donkeys are such an underrated, affectionate, lovely, and loving animal. You have an Instagram feed? No, I'm a lurker. I don't, I'm not on Instagram. I have like a space saver. Um, a space. You can, you can, you cannot be public on Instagram. You can be private and just cruise around and follow who you want to follow. Oh, yeah, I don't. I don't do that either, unless you're on Instagram, because I do have an Instagram page, and then I do. I totally do. And I'm on it all the time. That's totally. No, no one would ever write for me. But I think, I mean, on Instagram, we put stuff up about the show, but I don't. Yeah. Look, my bond with my audience has always been sincerity. Oh, I don't worry about your bond with your audience. What? I don't worry about your bond with your audience. Yeah, but I mean. Those are your people. Yeah, and, but it's, it's, it's like telling the truth. So I would never. I would never be like, yeah, I'm really on Instagram. I'm really not. There's shit on there. Not shit, good shit. Great shit. Yeah. About me and the show. Yeah. But like, you know, it's just not. I don't want to. It just, it would be like getting plastic surgery. It just doesn't feel right. Okay, if that makes me a dinosaur, I mean, I am slow to adopt to technology. That's not my strong suit. We all have to know our strengths and weaknesses. You know, but I don't deny it, but, you know, I don't need it. Listen, folks, nobody warns guys about what happens as the years stack up. You wake up one day, you're eating the same, working out the same, but suddenly feel like you're moving through wet cement. You think you're just overworked, but it is actually nature playing a sneaky trick on you. Starting around age 30, men lose about 1% of their testosterone every year. Yeesh. But here's the part nobody talks about. 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That is mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. There was no hole in my life that would have been filled by sending strangers pictures of what I'm doing. I understand. As I just said to Kara Swisher on our show, look at baseball clips. Look at baseball clips from the 80s and someone hits a home run. People are watching. Look at baseball clips from this week. A, everyone from behind home plate is having Kobe beef down in the VIP room, so most of the seats are empty behind home plate. It's crazy, but it's true. And B, when someone hits a home run, people's heads do this because they're looking down. All of society is looking down. Yeah, I just. I'm sorry that I don't. I don't want to join every part of the technological revolution. I want to be a cafeteria Catholic. I'll take what I want. Yeah. And, you know, I just. Again, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. It's not like I ever said to myself, boy, if only Gary Smatrich, my friend, freshman here at Cornell, could know what I'm having for lunch, my life would be more completed. I'd just feel better about myself and the day I'm having. And I think. I think I'd be a better partner if I was in a relationship. That never occurred to me. But, I mean, your kids sure turn out great. Your daughter's a giant star. What a thrill to have our daughter get into an Ivy League school, first of all. Oh, she went to an Ivy League school. She went to Yale. Yale. Driving up to that campus and unloading her. I got turned down by Yale. She got turned down by Brown. Well, that's nothing. Why would you want to go to. But Brown. Not the one in Providence. Our son went to Elon University. He went to Elon in North Carolina. A good friend of mine who worked at CBS said, when we were hunting for colleges, just look at the kids. Are they happy? And that sure proved true at Elon. Our son came out of college, trained up for a career. He is in television. He works for WCBS in New York. Oh, really? What does he do? He's an anchor reporter. Unbelievably. Really? At his dad's old. That's where I was in local news, at WCBS. So that's why I don't see him, because he's New York local. Right. Okay. But I'm sure they're grooming him for the national. Who knows? Well, now that must give you a kind of feeling. Of course, I could never know, being childless. I tried so many times, Brian, but just couldn't get it done. No, but that must give you, as more of the majority of people on the planet who like kids. I mean, I don't have them. I get it, that, like, there's no love like that for most people. It must give you a lot of spilkas. Yeah. To, like. Nakas. Whatever. What is that? Nakas is welling with pride. Spilkas is nervousness. Spilkas is ants in your pants. Yeah. What is it, nakas? You're giving me nakas. You're making me proud. Okay. And what's spilkas? Spilkas is. You're making me nervous. Oh. I'm keyed up. I'm on edge. I'm neither. I'm neither nervous nor proud. For our viewers, we'll put the Yiddish hotline up at the end of this broadcast in case you're in crisis. Our son. First of all, when our daughter made her first appearance on David Letterman, I was like a weepy mess. And she looked just like, exactly like my wife when I met my wife. She borrows thanks. God, so much from my wife. Douglas physically tends to be my mini-me. And it was interesting in our firehouse, guys would come up to me over time and say, do you have a kid who works at. Because they'd hear his voice and it's reminiscent. And because he's in the same line of work as his old man, it's too much. It's just we're incredibly proud of our kids. They do become your life. They now have kids. So we have grandkids and that becomes your life. Grandkids. You know, we're so lucky. Our kids want to hang out with us still. And we did something right. Tell me about it. And I wasn't around for. I mean, you know, my first day as White House correspondent, we flew to Jakarta for a G8. But see, this is what's so wonderful about our life here on Earth is people are different. And it's good because it's good that we're the opposite type of person because then we don't compete. Yeah. I don't hate you. I wouldn't anyway, but. No, I only have admiration for you. Yeah. But it's like opposites work. Yeah. In romance situations, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they say opposites attract. They don't always work. I've seen them work. I've also seen them, that was the problem, is that you're too far apart. I mean, you see in show business, people almost. Always go out with someone else in show business. Yeah. I mean. Because they understand the life. They understand each other. I met my wife in a television control room. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. And this was before sexual harassment was a thing. I'm guessing it was. She was a manager and I was a lowly reporter. And she went to her boss and said, we're dating. And I think the quote from her boss, who was also my boss, was, no shit. Because I guess we had been. We had been a little obvious about it. But we reported it, you know. You did? Yes. She asked me out first. This was not some, you know, me too sitch. And you wanted her to ask your. Oh, hell yes. So you were. Oh, yeah. So you had a kind of a Pam and Jim thing going on in the office. Yeah. And when the day I saw her, I will name check one of my best friends, Bernie Smilovitz of Detroit, Michigan. He was our sportscaster. It was a long time. I was a long time sportscaster later in Detroit. This was at Channel 5 in Washington when I met my wife. I walked into his office and said, I'm off the market. The day I met my future wife. You were dating this guy? No, he was just my friend. You said you were off the market. I'm off the dating market. Like, I arrogantly said, you know, that I can't wait to watch this. Go ahead, please. What? No, let everyone see it. What do you think I'm going to do? Please, this is like. It's a half a shot. That's how careful I am. By the way. By the way, this is the only time in the whole week I allow myself a drink. That's what age does to you. Okay. Puts you on a short leash. But I enjoy this so much. It's about the. What are three half shots? That's one and a half. Really. It's pathetic. I used to have that before I left the house. Water. What? Yeah, okay. You know what? We'll see. We'll see who lives longer. So, what were we talking about? It was important to me. It was very important. Meeting your spouse, relationships in the office. Oh, okay. That's a good one because we're thinking about doing something on that. I read so many stories these days and somebody in our meeting today was saying, Pam and Jim, there was a sitcom where that was like the whole thing. The Office Romance. And not just that one. And it was a great show, by the way. The Office. That was one of my all-time faves. Oh, 100%. Just genius. It really was. I used to wait for Thursday night. I would finish my work. It was a hard work night. I'd get into bed with The Office, a new episode. Fantastic. Yes. And they hold up. They hold up. But, boy, that is like not. Today, you know, people get fired. They get outed. I mean, they're paranoid about having an office relationship. And that's where you meet people. Of course it is. It's just so dumb. They always go too far, you know? Because you go out for work, after work for drinks, it's something you have in common. You have the same employer from the jump. By the way, when Steve Carell shows off his new flat-screen TV in his home, oh, my God, just the outtakes from that scene. They could not get it because everyone could only break. When he's talking about surround sound and he pulls it out from the wall, it only has about an eight-inch extension. It is brilliant television. I'm sure I saw it, but I don't remember it. I have to dial it. Look it up. You've got several things to look up after this conversation. Oh, you'll have to remind me. Someone in the Arizona's control room there in radiology. You'll have to remind me. You walk into the room, everyone scatters. I like that. Like we're going to be dealing with radiology. It's just us here. No, I know it's just us. And I am going to break you down. It's very chill. I am going to break you down. Professionals have tried. And make you into a drooling. I thought maybe you actually would smoke pot with me. I sort of got this idea that maybe that could happen. I'm too much of a control freak. What was the last year? You smoked pot. Before edibles got good. guess i had a commercial pre-roll those weird kind of state-issued massachusetts government approved joints that are that are rolled by a government agency and they're i mean as spliffs go they would make your patron saint proud they're big they're fatties but they're from the government it's like getting your driver's test bro i grow my own right here it's 10 feet from where you're sitting yeah but does gavin know i have a pot store that's a cash crop you need a you need a permit i'll hook you up if gavin finds out you're screwed you need a permit where did you say you just drove it was fun with your wife and it was like no we're about to go on the pch tomorrow of the pizza and i haven't been here since the fires we're going up to just to los olivos to to a wedding oh where's that like near san san something it's two hours that's all i know california coast is like nothing in the world i know and we've done the we've done the big sir we've done the big ride and a1a is is uh up and running again have you ever done solvang no but god bless you what is that it's a completely uh dutch founded for some reason christmas town uh it's a little north of santa barbara i'm serious burl ives the mayor he should be it's it's awesome it's a this was founded by dutch people i guess they have some they found their way around to california and who knows when the 19th century and established this little dutch town everything looks dutch windmills and of course now they play it up and so they're the christmas town and if you go there like christmas week you can go to the visitor center and there's a game where you search for like these i forget what they call them i think kneesers they're like little gnomes that are hidden all over the town they give you clues and you find the gnomes the the pokemon yeah yeah yeah that's what i did last december okay i recommend it but only christmas week what i can't imagine and what i could never imagine being a kid was christmas in southern california because when you grow up out east it's snow it's sleigh bells it's cold as hell yeah it feels like christmas i had it as a kid it was enough i like this this was more fun solving by the way santa was not there and i made a big stink about it at the visitor well you're all about the baby jesus as well you're the fucking christmas town and you don't have a santa they didn't they didn't have a santa huh solving really and also solving pipe in music like all that it'd be so cheap there should be christmas is it playing as you're walking on the quaint streets with all the christmas stuff in the windows take it from mr manger i'm telling you um they're very direct people so they can probably take criticism who the solving i know the dutch the dutch they're very direct aren't we stealing greenland from them and they probably came here no that's denmark we we we saw ohio we didn't like it you know they just kept driving west i don't want to pin you down on political issues but where are you on stealing greenland brian williams pro or con manifest destiny um i i think we should let greenland continue to prosper and live their own lives i feel the same way about our neighbors to the north in canada yeah but this is the part in the movie where the bad guys are discussing it and one of them says has a lot of minerals under rare earth minerals minerals under that ice yeah yeah i know minerals a lot of money in those minerals uh do do a deal do a really great deal for the rare earth minerals and let them uh be an autonomous i agree it's a terrible idea to like demand land yeah monroe is dead you know well what wasn't demanding land it was just saying if you in our hemisphere we will we will see this this is under our control yeah certainly are and that countries have done that for centuries and centuries sphere of influence they called it yep you know and um a lot of times invasions of other countries start because the aggressor country is uh pretending to protect one of their minorities that are living in the other country because you know borders don't necessarily mean so you know putin's in ukraine to protect the russians hitler went into czechoslovakia to protect the germans you know austria although austria really is germany i mean nothing like a cruise missile to protect those ukrainians yeah unbelievable what i mean the austrians pretended that they were taken over by hitler i've seen the footage parade to me it didn't look like he was an un certainly some of the people france put up that valent valiant fight for two weeks isn't that interesting about the human mind when you think about the maginot line yeah like who could not see that coming to build a wall but not all the way do not tell them it stops you i know i know i know it should have been called the wall of flank yep well there were many as you know mr cornell mr ivy league education there were many they they suffered greatly in world war one which was also the motivator for hitler who thought his country had become a horrible immoral mess and was a was a collection of ruins and they wanted to make uh the germany great again to coin a phrase yeah i mean look brian let's not kid the audience we're both white guys our sick leaves and now 70 we watch a lot of the history channel yes and a lot of it is about adolf hitler eisenhower met with his commanders the night before i used to watch when i was first in new york in 1979 living in this little box in this apartment this other apartment what neighborhood well i had a rent-free situation i lived in the uh maids room of the south african ambassador and did a service for them um actually it wasn't them they were expelled from the u.n so i was going to say that was bad he was their first he was their the first delegate twice while i was living there his picture was on the front page of the new york times wow how did you fall in with the ambassador to south from the south african ambassador david pittsburgh he was the first african ambassador to the south african embassy twice while i was living there his picture was on the front page of the new york times wow how did you fall in with the ambassador to south from the south african ambassador david pittsburgh he was the first african ambassador to the south african ambassador david pittsburgh he was the first african ambassador to the south african ambassador david remnick yes that david remnick oh i just saw him friend of my friends and suggested i look i had no money coming out of cornell like that made a difference to a comedian uh so i he said you know you can look in the village voice there are uh rent-free situations which as a dumb ass 22 year old i didn't realize meant mostly gay let's choose the most racist nation on earth hey is your maid's room available i went to uh two interviews before i well one where i realized oh this is an old queen this is how you pay the rent but there was another one and it was the uh first delegate to the united nations from south africa they lived in a big swanky apartment on the east side i remember once mrs kissinger was there for tea uh and i got the maid's room and i took care of their children don't call me an au pair but if you do just know that's how bad i wanted to survive in new york city and have an apartment 20 blocks from catch a rising star your maid's room was my pittsburgh kansas i was focused on a television career and i wasn't going to be talked out of it so i moved so what was your apartment like in pittsburgh kansas it was a studio i had you had studio it must be nice i had a corrugated plastic thing to close off you had corrugated i didn't i had roaches crawling on my face i used to true i used to buy a can of spam cut it into five slices fry that up with two fried eggs that was dinner but you could have dinner for like pennies i i have the exact same thing but it was i would buy a sandwich at the carnegie deli oh it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli it was a sandwich at the carnegie deli i understand you know uh i don't know what we were talking about and i know how this is going to be mocked no we went now we got off it's also true there's a tangent and it was my fault and i i i saw exactly you're not you're the one who's not high yeah i'm stone cold sober um i took my shot and i gave you a tangent and i feel terrible see at this point if you had what we used to wear an earpiece and a functioning control room there i said it i never did they would talk to you well you had to you're an anchor man you you were i mean i always think of broadcast news oh my god isn't that the greatest it really is when albert brooks is home saying it and william heard is like they're known as tomcats the f-14s and he says they're the backbone of naval aviation i say it here it comes out there yeah and it's just but you're not that guy i've seen you too many times and the 11th hour you know you're you you that's why you're so successful and why i loved you what you do because you're talking you're not some producer isn't he might say you know like oh this just in admiral borda killed himself well that's right and you have to be you have to learn how to talk while being spoken to you have to learn how to talk remember all the stories you've ever covered well i remember a lot of them especially the impactful ones but if you're covering a breaking news situation which too often was a mass shooting they will as you're talking they'll say mayor and jeff zucker the long time no the mayor of a city yes okay jeff zucker the longtime boss at cnn as a producer was terrific at speaking during your inhalation because he knew the game wow you know you need to be able to talk while someone is unloading stuff right and not get that look on your face like you know like a dog um that's i mean i have that same basic cognitive challenge on a panel because i want to hear everything they say and i do i listen to everybody but i also kind of have to be loading up what's next if if i feel like we've exhausted this topic or you know you know i'm not going to be able to talk while someone is unloading stuff right and not get that look on your face like you know like a dog that's i mean i have that same basic cognitive challenge on a panel because i want to hear everything they say and i do i listen to everybody but i also kind of have to be loading up what's next if if i feel like we've exhausted this topic or you know there is that chat which is to me the fun of the game and then you get a time cue that you got to start new rules because you have a hard out and you got exactly you got to stop the conversation well that's easy i just go shut up yeah that's true because you have command over your family it's been interesting seeing your regulars over the years the people that uh i view you as valuing who are on a lot and who match the ethos of the show you always turn us down but that's because you're i couldn't do it you're i couldn't do opinion you're an anchor man i get it ted i couldn't do opinion remember that episode of mary tyler moore where ted's going to become a quiz master no you don't you didn't watch mary tyler moore oh i loved mary tyler moore just that you don't ted baxter the newsman yes was going to take a job being a game show guy and lou shames him is that what you want to be ted quiz master that's one you got to look up murray slaughter that's one you got to look up murray slaughter i love that i can do an impression of him rhoda i love that i can do an impression of him rhoda i love that i can do an impression of him rhoda morgan stern you want to hear my morgan stern you want to hear my morgan stern you want to hear my this is who among us does oh there's no this is who among us does oh there's no this is who among us does oh there's no this is uh gavin mcleod okay yes all right this is uh gavin mcleod okay yes all right this is uh gavin mcleod okay yes all right so this is the episode where so this is the episode where so this is the episode where ted meets this hot anchor lady from ted meets this hot anchor lady from ted meets this hot anchor lady from another station and another station and another station and and he's telling murray that um she's and he's telling murray that um she's and he's telling murray that um she's attracted to him and she goes and he attracted to him and she goes and he attracted to him and she goes and he says says says murray she squeezed my hand she murray she squeezed my hand she murray she squeezed my hand she squeezed my hand so that's your line and squeezed my hand so that's your line and squeezed my hand so that's your line and then i'll give you then i'll give you then i'll give you murray you do ted murray she squeezed my murray you do ted murray she squeezed my murray you do ted murray she squeezed my hand hand hand ted she was probably trying to pump some ted she was probably trying to pump some ted she was probably trying to pump some blood to your brain blood to your brain blood to your brain ah that's nice that's good it's i mean ah that's nice that's good it's i mean ah that's nice that's good it's i mean it's eerie because just then it's eerie because just then it's eerie because just then i thought i don't know if anyone else i thought i don't know if anyone else i thought i don't know if anyone else had that we were back on the mgm had that we were back on the mgm had that we were back on the mgm uh mtm studios mary tyler moore oh uh mtm studios mary tyler moore oh uh mtm studios mary tyler moore oh did you see that documentary about her did you see that documentary about her did you see that documentary about her oh it was so powerful what a lady oh it was so powerful what a lady oh it was so powerful what a lady first of all she had no she had no first of all she had no she had no first of all she had no she had no negatives there's no one who grew up negatives there's no one who grew up negatives there's no one who grew up hating mary tyler moore she was hating mary tyler moore she was hating mary tyler moore she was a party she was great as mrs rob a party she was great as mrs rob a party she was great as mrs rob petrie and she was a trooper petrie and she was a trooper petrie and she was a trooper yeah well she put up with a lot that we yeah well she put up with a lot that we yeah well she put up with a lot that we later well certainly as a hottie in that later well certainly as a hottie in that later well certainly as a hottie in that era when everybody took a shot at you era when everybody took a shot at you era when everybody took a shot at you and you that was just de rigueur you and you that was just de rigueur you and you that was just de rigueur you didn't you know you she was fantastic didn't you know you she was fantastic didn't you know you she was fantastic she carol burnett we got to grow up in she carol burnett we got to grow up in she carol burnett we got to grow up in the era of carol burnett yeah still the era of carol burnett yeah still the era of carol burnett yeah still around i'm still trying to get her here Yeah. You know her? Well, no, I think the weed will be an enticement to get her here. It should be. Yeah. Yeah, I think that'll put it over the. I can't believe I can see you, because usually you've got a massive fatty going during this show. Like RFK Jr., who sat in this very chair. Yes. You had a good one cooking with him. He cried in that chair. Wow. He did. I'm not saying that in a facetious way or a snarky way, or I'm not proud of it. I'm just saying it's not fake. You know, I said to him, I don't think your father would agree with everything you say, but I can't imagine he would be very proud the way you never let anybody, like, make you turn your back on what you believe. There's something about that. You know, like, not my family. And I don't believe everything he believes. Oh, yeah. That's kind of a given. Well, but the big picture, I do. Like, his. When he. I told him, I said, you know, you made your bones as an environmental lawyer. Riverkeeper of the Hudson. And he was. I went through some old papers lately. They like, people like Vanity Fair printed him a lot. Like, he was a liberal. I remember. Liberal hero. I remember. Okay. So, I said, you should marry your desire for us not to be killed by the kind of stuff that's in food and some medicine with your reputation as someone who didn't want us to get killed by what's in the rivers and what's in the air. It's the same issue. We're poisoning ourselves. That's it. You're the don't poison ourselves guy. Yep. But, you know. He's so much more than that. You can't. You know, he just takes that subway 10 stops too far. And, you know, but, you know, and the victories they've gotten. You know, I see Kellogg's is taking, like, the dye out of the cereal. Okay. You know, that's one. Yeah. But it's not a big one. And, like, you know, I think they punted on. It's going to ruin Fruit Loops, but go ahead. Well, let's get into your diet. Oh, my goodness. Because every. Everything is about what you eat. Not everything. Here's how opposites attract. My wife's average meal looks to me like potting soil. And she is happy. I will. They will lay me in the ground, and I want one of the mourners to say, you know what? He never ate kale, quinoa, or sushi. When I was coming up, kale was a stock car driver. Wait, so that's what your wife likes? Is that what you're saying? Oh, she's so healthy. So you're into. Her cholesterol's in, like, single digits. She is so healthy. Your food and your food are different food. 100%. I would and have eaten pizza four or five nights a week. It's my go-to. I eat one meal a day because I have a massive protein and athletic greens shake in the morning. And it's enough fuel to get me through to dinner. I only eat dinner. Yeah, because you're a NASCAR fan. But I like my burgers. I like Hebrew National dogs. They're always in the house. I was raised on SpaghettiOs. So do you eat dinner together, just different food? Yes. Really? No, no. We mostly share meals. It's a rare event when I'll have pizza and she'll have a salad with a piece of salmon on it or something like that. We usually eat the same things. Oh, you do? Yeah. What's the crust of her food? Because you just described kind of a dichotomy. Well, like chicken. When you say it, like, well, of course. Of course I eat a chicken. You know, pork loin, chicken breast. So she's not a vegetarian. No, no, no. She's just really, really healthy. Right. Okay. Well, you know, I've spent so much time and energy in the last 20 years on this sort of subject, which is something that is visited upon you really just because you age. And you understand why, for example, young people never really wanted to be forced to get Obamacare because, I remember, when you're young, you're like, you're just so. You're bulletproof. You kind of are. I mean, they tried to cancel you for a bunch of stupid shit. Everybody has done some stupid shit. We used to drive down to the Stone Pony in Asbury Park. Oh, really? The Bruce Springsteen place? Yeah, that was my jam. You were that close? Yeah, I grew up eight miles from the beach. Oh, because we had a house on Barnegat Light. Oh, wow. We're in Ocean County. In an undisclosed location, which I'll share with you. My father bought a house after the storm. There was a storm. 62. Correct. It carved LBI in two pieces. It really did. And property was nothing. He bought a house for $18,000. I have a dear friend in Barnegat Light. We used to rent it out for the summer. It was a moneymaker. It's awesome. LBI is awesome. The Jersey Shore is awesome. Everyone who goes to the Hamptons, continue going to the Hamptons, please. Leave us with our Jersey Shore. Did you ever go to Long Beach Island? Oh, hell yeah. Yes. We may have seen each other. Jon Stewart's a big LBI guy, too. In 1968. Yeah, that's true. I had an Aunt Hazel in Tom's River. Hey, wait. I'm thinking now. This bully beat me up on the beach once. No, I was never that kid. We used to go to Seaside and Point Pleasant. Seabright was my closest beach to where I grew up in Middletown. So we would start there on Friday nights because Clarence Clemons had an apartment there. Wow. And like detectives, like Dick Wolf, like detectives, he would often lead us when he got to Seaside. car we would stay two cars back but we go all the way down ocean avenue he would often lead us to bruce and i've confessed this to bruce that i was a stalker for years but that was such a privilege to grow up there you got stephen van zandt you've got uh you've got bruce springsteen stephen grew up within sight of my high school we're both from middletown um they made a sound they created a jersey shore sound that didn't exist before southside johnny and the asbury jukes um it was fantastic and we were often under the influence of something because we were dumb kids in the 70s before the anti-drunk driving movement every other car on the road was somebody who'd had had a few snorts yeah i'm not proud of it you know what we can't all just always stay mad at the past forever or feel bad about the stupid shit we did every generation is the wow you know you did this generation it's all just through the prism of today especially with social media things we're doing now that the people in a hundred years these two assholes were talking about ai and they didn't get it you know well it's interesting now because here i am having very candid conversations on my very modest netflix show and with you and for the nice people who watched me in that other role for so many years like tuned in every night like they were having a conversation with me those are the viewers the customers you want they never imagined that after hours i was a volunteer fireman in new jersey who said a lot yeah i had a living breathing life i have a wife and children and all the hopes and dreams and fears that everybody else has i drive only american cars on weekends saturday nights i go to wall stadium speedway at the jersey shore where my dad brought me at age nine and then at night you get into a superhero outfit that says sir fuck a lot i go i go to stock car races and i remember because i was politically aware i wrote lyndon johnson when i was an eight-year-old and um i wrote him because i saw the famous picture of him slumped over the cabinet table in the cabinet room come to find out he was listening to tapes of young lieutenant chuck robb his son-in-law from vietnam yeah telling him very candidly that the war was going south so i was that kid i go to this uh stock car track which is just fantastic third of a mile paved it's uh the roar of the jersey stock car stock stock car racing uh the the class of cars i like are modified is that nascar no it's a it's a real entry-level form of nascar like the minor leagues of nascar yes the race i'm missing this saturday night because of the destination wedding we're going to uh has a retired nascar driver in it and we're all very excited that he's coming but you really you wanted to go to that i love the place but you're going to the wedding instead yes see that's why i never got married no there you go i'm kidding just a joke don't don't write letters where was i before you just stepped in sorry oh my dad used to say to me because i was a precocious kid i read i you know i leafed through time magazine and and read life and look magazine me too they were on the they were on the coffee table yeah i'm listening to your dad i'm watching cronkite on tv and my dad used to we used to go early and he'd he'd buy me a cheeseburger and he'd say these are all lbj democrats looking at the crowd of about twelve hundred to two thousand people and i understood what he meant and i was like oh my god But they are now all, they tend to all be MAGA. The Democrats have lost that entire slice of the American population. They used to call them Reagan Democrats. Yeah, they have pissed that away. They have gone their separate ways. How old were you in 1968? I was nine years old. Okay, see, that's the difference. Maybe you were more precocious. But I was watching the Tet Offensive like a freak at all. At nine, I think I was still into baseball and that stuff. Twelve, I was in 1968. And that was the era of the Democratic Convention in Chicago, the Tet Offensive in Vietnam. Gestapo tactics on the street of Chicago. So, like, that's the year I got interested. Yeah, that was a good year to dial in. It really was. And I kind of got spoiled because, like, wow, is every year going to be this fucking awesome? Not great awesome always, but, like, just not dull, you know, and dramatic and Nixon running. You know, and, you know, it just, well, it's like your first love, you know. There's a quality to the first time of everything that is so unique that nothing in that way can compare. You can, I mean, I've loved people more than my first girlfriend, but I was never in love for the first time twice. Yeah. You can't be, you know. You never forget your first. Yes. Did you marry her first? No. I had a whole grown-ass adult life before I met her. Really? I was already working in TV, so I had the usual high school girlfriend who I just got along with great. Was daughter of two Irish immigrants from Keensburg, New Jersey. I understand she is happily married as a family. I had the usual love life, as we used to call it. But was it good? Because mine was shit. I was very shy, and then I went to Cornell. There was no women there. I was shy. I mean, there were, but they were very far, few and far between, and I didn't know how to get them. We used to end up at a bar called Jimmy Burns Seagirt Inn, which was loaded with nothing but preppy girls at the Jersey Shore. A pro tip I learned, don't go to Jimmy Burns in your fire windbreakers with the expando key ring on the side of your belt. That's a bad look. Some chicks like that. And I had no courage. I had no courage to walk up. I would rather crawl on the floor through blazing hellfire than try to walk up and start conversation with a girl. That was my problem, too. Oh, my God. I'd rather be an infantryman on Normandy. I know. It's the exact same thing. We have amazing parallels in our life, actually. Oh, God. And today, I'm so glad I'm not on Raya. Oh, no. Because as bad as I was about meeting people in person, if I were ever have to go out there and do it again, putting my life on some, on an app. Well, I think it does speak well of you that you think you'd go right to Raya. Well, I believe my son met his wife on Raya. Trust me, you could get on Raya. Raya's the one where it's secret. It's not secret. You're not supposed to. It's like Fight Club. No, it's like the VIP entrance at a club. It's like they only allow on there. I've never been on it, by the way. I haven't either. I wouldn't even know how to get on it. I'm with you there. But, like, it's, I know what it is. It's a dating site, but it's like rich guys and every girl's a model, which means, like, she's not really working, but she's looking for something. And, you know, I don't want to judge it. I'm sure there's many wonderful people. I believe my son met his wife on Raya. Yeah. Many wonderful people are, I'm sure, on it. But you have to, like, apply. Like, it's not everybody. It's a, yeah, it's a, look, I don't know. I don't object to meritocracy anywhere, including looks. People care. Or success of men. I mean, I was just reading some story about there's a new version of what used to be sugardaddies.com. And it's basically that. But the women are not a guinea. And it's like, they're not, they're sort of like, want to own it now. Like, I'm looking for a guy who will take care of me. All these clowns. If I'm going to put up with a clown, at least have money. Wow. That's sort of where they are. Their cynicism is well earned by how lame men have become. Scott Galloway, your friend and frequent guest. Right here. Scott Galloway. Yep. Scott Galloway, during COVID, went on your show, and I read this quote back to him when he just did. He did my show. Right. He thought every Amazon truck should have a nurse and COVID injections on board. As they, because eventually they cover the whole country. And he thought that should be the delivery system for the, and he said it's sitting next to you. I swear to God. Really? That's where I heard it. That seems a little draconian. He's really at his best with you. But it's an interesting idea. He has a big brain. I love Scott Galloway. And I love having him on. I'm so glad he has a big following. He's the kind of guy who has, you know, a big following. I always think when someone who's a public intellectual, a professor of somebody on that level, my friend Michael Eric Dyson was on, has been on the show a lot of times. Yep, got interviewed him 100,000 times. Yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson, isn't it? Scott, well, he's a scientist. Yes. I mean, he's a big star everywhere. But Sam Harris, you know, public intellectuals. Interesting guy. People are actually public intellectuals. Yes. It's like they're few and they're far between. But it just shows if you do it well enough. Now, still, there is not a big but a sizable audience. Yes. There's a small rearguard action of people who aren't complete fucking morons. Kara Swisher is adjacent there, too. I'm sure I left out many people who should be mentioned in this public introduction. But who were they when we were coming up? Were they Gore Vidal and Bill Buckley? Yes, exactly. And Johnny Carson would have them on. Yes, he would. Can you imagine today? If feet snobs going on mainstream 1130 at night TV, but they got Trillian Capote on Carson. I mean, maybe they were snobs, but they sort of earned it. They were smart. You know, there's something to be said for giving it up for people who actually know things. You know, they weren't. Look, I did this show called Politically Incorrect where we had a bunch of fucking morons every night. Stop. No, we did. I mean, that was the whole. Makes me a moron for watching. No, no. The people who watch it was a joyous train wreck, but it was purposely designed so that you had, like, the person who doesn't know much versus there was one expert. And, like, it was funny. That's what made it funny. You know, Pauly Shore was debating Bob Dole or whatever it was. True. I mean, it was a while ago. You had a lot of stoners in your audience. I did? You did. I don't remember that. Oh, it was perfect for stoners. I guess. I want to put in a plug for a television show that I've asked all my fancy friends to watch because, as I call them, and this is Mike Rowe adjacent, being a first responder makes you hyper aware of the people in our society who are invisible to most of the population. I used to wear an Engine 23 FDNY jacket to walk back and forth between 30 Rock and our apartment in New York. I called it my cloak of invisibility because no one. No one saw me when I wore it. They looked through me. So my friends in EMS, my police officer friends, my fellow firefighters, all the people who make the country go, especially in the era of defund the police, let me know how that goes. There is a show on weekends at night, and stoners reminded me because it's very popular with stoners. It's also very popular with first responders and their families. It's called On Patrol Live. It's on a network called Reels. It's hosted by. Dan Abrams, you know, Dan Abrams. Yes, of course. It's part of the Dan Abrams empire. They do three hours on Friday and three hours on Saturdays. They have live cameras rolling around with 10 police departments from coast to coast. You learn more about life and more about the invisible public servants who protect us every day, clean up our messes. We don't think about them until we reach for the phone and dial three numbers. Nine. One. One. In my line of work, we leave our dinner tables. We get up out of a warm bed on winter nights. We don't ask who's calling 9-1-1. We don't question why we're going out. We go out. We love doing it. We love doing it. Cops, you know, if you if you have friends who are cops, they'll tell you Sunday nights is horrendous. Sunday nights is that night before school, the night before work. It's the night your NFL team loses. If you're a Giants fan and that's when all the domestic violence calls come in, you want to avoid four to 12. If you have any choice in your shift, you want to avoid the four to 12 on Sunday nights. I've known that since I was riding along with a police officer friend of mine as a 17 year old in Middletown, New Jersey. And I have this bifurcated life. I had an accidental career that put me with fancy people, hyper educated, hyper moneyed, people who went to boarding schools. Cornell. You know, a it's a population I had no. I was like Holden Caulfield. I had no exposure to that. I still can't name a boarding school. I don't know about that. But and and and I've got this other life and I own it. I think after if you've lived a good life, you want to return to where you came up as long as it's not negatively associated. I know I know who I was. I know my socioeconomic group growing up. I know how we talked, what we wore, what we wanted to do for a profession. And I'm I'm back half the time doing that. All right. Well, I have two things to say. Oh, boy, talk. This calls for another spring water. I don't know why you're so exercised about this bifurcated life. You know, you you had the best of both worlds. You know, you know, you had blessed every day. Yeah, but I hope that if you had to make the choice, if someone came down like twenty five years ago and said, you know, I know you love being a fireman, but, you know, you're the anchor of the NBC Nightly News. You have to choose one. I hope you would have chosen the anchor of the NBC Nightly News. I mean, not that fireman isn't important, but like other people could do the fireman job. And this is sort of like. You know, one of the things that you uniquely could very few people could do it to you. I hope you would pick that. The truth is I'm the devil. The truth is it has brought me terrific things, including my family. My first career route. I thought I was going to marry a local girl from Middletown, maybe aspire to a split level colonial and be a firefighter. Maybe, maybe get on the wait list for FDNY because I had a great mentor who was a New York City lieutenant. But. This is a true story. I had an Irish Catholic mother who was the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. If you ever. What does that mean? If you ever watched Maude, she was just like Maude. That's your mother. She was an actress and a singer. Wow. She played at the she performed at the Count Basie Theater and in Red Bank, New Jersey, among other places. She was very vocal, very dramatic. Our daughter, I think, gets all of her acting chops just straight DNA. Chain through her parents. And my mom television viewing is socioeconomic. The less money you have, the more the TV is on. Our TV was on from the Today Show to the Tonight Show. I am a night owl today because I would crack my door open and listen to my parents black and white TV for Carson. I would listen to Carson every night. I idolized him. Cronkite. They were my guys. And I'm still a night owl because I trained. Myself as a young kid to stay up beyond my bedtime. I did, too. But I'm telling you, we were it's unbelievable brothers from another mother. My mother would sit watching Channel four local news and say, come in here. They just hired these two new report. You'd be better than these kids. And I literally have just walked in the door with put to be in your body from one of my two jobs, not to brag Perkins Pancake House and Sears. And that's. What I was. I was going to school. I was about to enter the Fire Academy. I was a if there was a loser float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, that was me. I reek of maple syrup. My shoes were so sticky they lived outside and I would wear them to the Pancake House. And yet she stayed on me. She stayed on me. I had to. This is why you and I are so opposites, because our mothers are opposites like your mother. This you said this loud. Brash Irish. My mother was a quiet Jew, so quiet I didn't even know she was a Jew. Really, I was raised Catholic. Yeah, I mean, they didn't even say until I was like 13. Like, oh, by the way, yeah, I mean, so I feel like that goes into our, you know, so much of a personality is determined in zero to two and certainly zero to five. Yeah, it's all locked in and the rest of your life, you're just. You're just trying to either deal with that as it makes you or in some cases try to undo it. Yeah, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I mean, why is someone anal? What does anal mean? Like super, like neat, I'm that. Okay. Okay. Okay, it's called anal because it's from the anal stage. Look at the time, ladies and gentlemen. You know, thanks for. Why? Thanks for. Why is that so weird to you? I didn't just, I didn't come here to talk about a rectum, but please continue. Oh, well, I thought I could get you loaded, but I didn't. Anal is being super organized. It comes from the anal stage because you are. You want to keep your poop hanging around? It's like, you don't. I think, I don't know. It's something with how, because you're at a stage of your life where you're not even going to remember it, but it's in your unconscious, like how that went. And I imagine, yes, sitting around. I'm sure my mother did it well, so I don't know why I have it, but like, it makes you need, I'm not crazy, I'm not like, you know, a OCDC, but like, I do have to have things in apple pie order all the time, or maybe I was just born that way and the theories bullshit. I'm not a big fan of psychiatry. I know it works for some people. It's also a lot of bullshit. The following happens to me. We have friends over. I'm sitting, enjoying the conversation. I see a book. upside down on the bookshelf in the living room. I got to get up and I got to straighten it right now or I won't enjoy the rest of the night. Wow. That's worse than me. I'm not proud of it. Like coffee table books, they've got to be a certain way. My T-shirts are organized. My T-shirts. See, that's interesting because that's a backstage item for me. My closet looks like a family of six has been living in it for two years. All right, this is getting a little gay now. I'm kidding. I didn't assign. No. I don't care. I've been gay for you for a very long time. I've been your biggest fan for such a long time. Man, I don't think I've missed a word you've said. I'm so glad you're back on doing something. Tom Hanks, what a great. First of all, what a feather in your cap to be able to get him. That's a big thing because that's a hard guy to get on your show. I couldn't get him here. He is a national treasure. And he's always a treasure. He's a national treasure. And he's always funny. I knew I was going to be okay. If he said yes. Yeah. But it's hard. We're doing booking, which you live and die around. Well, I hope I get to be on it. And well, yes, of course. Obviously, I'm going to reciprocate. Well, you don't do it because you have to. And I'll buy the weed. No, no. Now I'm on your show. Bring your own. I know what it means to be a guest versus a host. I'll still be stoned. We have a small, darkly lit studio filled with earnest young people who are terrific. I have a staff of five. Yeah. You don't need more. No. I mean, bro, they're making movies now that make $300 million that they shoot on their phone. I know. Like the world. We are dinosaurs from the age of dial phones and, you know. Oh, yeah. I know. I mean, I remember when VCRs were new. It's amazing the change we've seen. Remember 8-tracks that we didn't mind just stopping in the middle of our favorite goddamn song? To switch channels? I never had an 8-track. They always looked stupid to me. Oh, they were. But it was a music delivery system. It was either that. Yeah. Growing up in New York, when we were kids, you could walk across the beach and hear 77 WABC without interruption because it was on everybody's transistor radio. Hey, when I moved out here in 1982, I had a Toyota Corolla as my first car. And my sound system was a boom box. Ooh. That was in the back. In the back, a boom box. Remember a boom box? Yeah, yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah. Okay. In the back seat. Huh. That was then plugged into the cigarette portal. Wow. That's some. Okay. Because there was a lighter for cigarettes in the car. Yeah. And you could plug this in it. I have one in my Chevy, which is a recent Chevy, but it's how we plug in our flashing blue lights to get to the firehouse. They call it a cigar lighter now. In the Chevy manual, they call it a cigar lighter. That's how they've gotten away from. I remember this girl I was going out with at that time, so out of my league, and boy, did she make fun of that. Yes, I understand that. But the sex was good. Anyway, Brian, it's great to see you. And again, I love what you've done. So this is like a speakeasy during the week. Well. Club Randall. Thank you.