100. Brian Quinn, James McCann, Ari Shaffir | Milestones

Before we start today's game, you should know that me and Big J. Oakerson are both touring stand-up comedians, and we both have tours going on right now. Come see me on the Rattle Me This Tour. Coming up next, I have Baltimore, Maryland, July 10th and 11th. Then I'm going to the Denver Comedy Works South, July 24th and 25th. I'm very excited about that. Never been to Comedy Works. Let's sell those shows out. Right after that, I got Lafayette, Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana. Go to lewisofskanks.com and see me on the Rattle Me This Tour. You can go to bigjcomedy.com for all my dates. On the Greatest Yapper Alive Tour, I got Winnipeg coming up. Governors, Levittown. I've got so many dates, I can't even look at them right now. But go see me soon. Bigjcomedy.com. Coming to a city near you. Let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, live from New York. From Netflix, it's a joke comedy festival. It's Story Wars. With the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Oh, holy shit. Los Angeles, California. Make some fucking noise in here, please. Our fourth sold-out show right here at the Netflix is a joke comedy festival. We are starting a little bit late because of Shaq. Boo. Fuck you, Shaq. They would have never disrespected Shaq this way. I fucking bodied him, dude. You weren't even here. I fucking bodied his ass up. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you for waiting and being patient with us because you do happen to be here. You don't have to be here on a pretty big night. This is the 100th episode of Story Wars. With that said, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Boo. It's Shaq in the back. He's like, "I've never seen this game." I don't make sense. If you're unfamiliar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain it to you. It's a very easy game after we get our amazing panel up on this stage. Your first contestant with a 2-2 record on Story Wars. He has a new show called The End available right now on his website. And also a special Jew is available on Netflix as we speak. Make some noise for the great Ari Shaffir. We'll be right back. Our audience rules, dude. It's 1 o'clock in the morning. Ari, we're so happy to have you back. You're 2-2. You are a Story Warrior. Two-time Story Warrior. You know, you know how to play the game better than most. Are you excited? Are you trying to go for a third win tonight? No, Lewis. I'm coming just to fucking hang out. Dumb fuck. I didn't think about the question before I asked it. You really didn't. What a stupid fucking question. That would just fell out of your face. That was bad. That was bad. Hey, you came. You stayed up this late. You're here. Hey, Ari, maybe you're going to say words on a mic tonight? It's 4 o'clock in the morning, New York time. It's so late. It is 4 o'clock in the morning, New York time. My brain is not working right now. Our second competitor making his Story Wars debut. He's got an amazing special called Black Israelite on YouTube. Clap your hands as loud as you can for James McKinnon. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Thank you for having me. ♪ ♪ Oh, dude. You have all that energy because where you're from, it's fucking 2 in the afternoon right now or something. It's 2 in the afternoon on Tuesday. Yeah, yesterday. We almost didn't start this fucking show until 2 in the afternoon. What are we doing? We're at the world famous comedy store. We can't move people in here. A touch for you. - I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But we're going to have a great fucking 100th show. Is this crowd ready for war? What the fuck is this shit? What is this? You guys are doing a little comedy show? Oh, on a stage? How fucking original. Wow, first it was funny F.A.G. or whatever that show is on Netflix. Now it's you guys? Redband. Yes? Redband, we didn't even know you were on the back just now. What? I can't hear it because of your sound quality. What is this, Redband 2017? Redband, you've been on other live podcasts. Yeah? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not gay enough for you, bitch. Buddy, if you say one more fucking thing, I'm going to drag you out of it by myself. I promise you. I will personally drag you out. I heard you three times say some shitty things already. We are all about love here on Story Wars. I will fuck you up, sir. No. No, sir. You're a piece of shit. Nobody. And I mean nobody wants Tony. Why don't you wear that, bitch? That guy just got Lewis's fury at the club. He was waiting to have someone give him a kiss. Oh, it's still Tony's shirt. Yeah, look at that. Why don't you wear that, little bitch? It's a free shirt. He has to wear it. Aw. Aw. Ari has never looked more like a Holocaust victim when his shirt is off. Yeah, dude. Holy shit. Ari, when you take your shirt off, you should turn into black and white. Ooh. Well, Red Band, you are a legend in the world of podcasting. You've been producing and hosting some of the best podcasts in the world. Thank you. Where do I go? Here. I'm over here? Oh, shit, I'm on. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your guest narrator, Brian Red Band. Come on. I thought he was on the side of the stage. Shit. Are you guys playing the fight that guy? We're going to jump. After this show, you go low, I'll go high. All right. Well, now, Alex, please. Story number one. The first time I left the country, I ran out of money and had to have a girlfriend. Western Union me $300 so I could afford to eat. Now, I might not fully understand this game, but that is my story. No, wait, hold on. You're not supposed to admit it's your story. Is that your story? No, I'm not supposed to admit it. Why isn't my name on my own iPad? You can't vote for yourself. But it's my story. Hold on. James, James, you're not supposed to say that. Oh. We're supposed to play the game and then figure it all out. Don't you want to hear more about this excellent story? That doesn't seem. There were other interesting things that happened. No, no, you're supposed to pretend that it's not your story. Oh. And then we figure it all out. Well, see, I would never be so silly as to do a thing like that. It's more of a. Ari kind of story, I think. I want to tell you, the fees on Western Union are not worth it. That's not the way I would go. Yeah. DHL or nothing. Am I supposed to have a frame of reference for this or just. We just guess. You're supposed to talk it out. You're supposed to ask questions. You're supposed to figure it out. Lewis, Lewis. Yes, sir. Let me show you. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Would you ever accept money from a woman? I would never accept money from a woman. Everyone knows that. Yeah, right. I would never do that. But here's. I mean, look, I used to be broke, but I wouldn't even know. I didn't even know Western Union was a real thing that exists anymore. Yeah. Me either. Is that like on horseback? How would you Western Union. This is like an old person thing. Big J is almost 50. Q is 50. Ari is 78 years old. Today, everybody, it's my birthday. Six, seven, eight. Six, seven, eight. Happy seven, eight, dude. Do they have Western Union in Australia, James? No. They for sure have Western. It's everywhere. It's obviously James' story. James, you have to pretend it's not your story. It's not my story. It's not my story. I'm going to tell you something. What sort of money do they use in Australia? Dollars. Stop obfuscating, Brian. I'm just asking questions. Is it like. It's a Brian story, I believe. It could be, Brian. I'm just saying if it was koala bucks, like, you wouldn't write $300. That's the sort of racist bullshit that a man who couldn't even afford to eat might say. Hey, man. I'm locking in Brian. Bitch. Woof, woof, woof. Come on. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. What the fuck? Is this the Arsenio Hall show? Like, what is happening? What's the Arsenio Hall show? What's that? Who's that? Who? Huh? Yeah. Arsenio who? Brian, when's the first time you left the country? I was 14. I went to Italy. But a girlfriend, when you're 14, wouldn't Western Union. No. That's not a real thing. But he can also lie. You guys also can lie at any point. Right. It's like the giver. You're allowed to lie. We'll tell you on the first day. Yeah, we don't know about your past. You come from parts unknown. Staten Island, I think. I don't know it. So am I lying or am I telling the truth that it was 14 when I left the country for the first time? Fuck. We don't know. Damn it. There are wheels within wheels. That's right. It's a mystery wrapped in an enigma. It's not Jay. It's not Lewis. No. I'm going to tell you why I'm bad at this game, I think, ultimately. It's because James said it's me. I think he made a mistake and said that. But still, a part of me goes, it's Ari. You think this is Ari? That's why I'm bad at the game. Why? I think everything is screaming that James didn't understand the game until just now. And now he's covering up. You think James is like playing it slow? I mean, if this is an act, this would be the craziest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Lock it in. Yeah. I know. I'd change it to Ari, though, if I could, now that I think about it. You can't because it's locked in. Well, there we go. I mean, I'm just choosing James. I think it's Ari. I'm fucking taking a swing at it. I'm going to do that. James McCann is my answer. I'm either going to look awesome right now or like a fucking dildo. I'm going to do Ari. Jay just reset his computer. How? I don't know. His fucking painted nails fucked up the system. It's not all electronics work, Ari. It has a homosapiens. It has a homosexuality magnet built into the tablet. Homosexuality magnet? I don't think so. I don't think so. Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story was story number one? Story number one belongs to Louis J. Go, Alex. Come on. Yeah. God damn it. I did accept money from Louis J. I did accept money from bitches for a very, very long time. I had no shame in it in my early days. Your early days of this year. Went to Amsterdam with my friends, my buddy Gene Kelly, my buddy Dan Doherty, and this Jewish kid Jake that we took advantage of. And we had to use his credit card to rent hotel rooms, and then we ordered room service the whole time on his credit card. But we ran out of money because we spent it all on hookers and weed in the first two days. Thank you. Thank you. And I had to. To call my ex-girlfriend, who was a fat girl named Katie, and say, hey, can you please Western Union me $300? I need to get food, more hookers and weed. And she did. And then also, when I came home from that trip, I found out my mom was dead. What a story. What a story. That was pure karma. That story had a karmic ending, and it was crazy. Wow. He was like, we've abused this kid and stole his credit card. And fucking did his thing. And then I called this fat bitch to give me money. And then God swiped my mom. Thanks for the assist, James. I appreciate it. Yeah, I actually really didn't understand the game, but by misunderstanding it on purpose, I really fundamentally, on a deeper level, misunderstood the game. So you won't get me again. I'm coming. I'm coming for everybody. Alex, one story down. I know where our points are at, but where are our points at? All right. All alone on the board in first place with four points, Luis J. Gomez. Wow. J's doing ketamine. He's got a real ketamine problem these days. It's time to fucking blast off, dude, and win this bitch. We should do a ketamine episode of Story Wars. A hundred percent. It would get wild. Which my mom won. She's dead. Alex, story number two. Story number two. On my 11th birthday, my mom came into the bathroom when I was taking a bath to give me my present, and I lost my shit and started screaming at her to get out. But then I felt really bad because I really wanted that present. Who are you doing an impression of? Tony Hinchcliffe! I thought you just made a creative choice. It seemed like a creative choice. On my 11th birthday, my mom came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath to give me my present. Luis, when did your mom die? My mom died when I was in Amsterdam. I wasn't 11. I don't know how you Puerto Ricans do shit. It's true. You did have a mustache when you were 11. I had a mom when I was 11. But my mom also stopped giving me birthday gifts around that time. I hope more she stopped giving you baths. That was my birthday present. She would sponge my balls. 11th birthday. Mom came into the bathroom. Who do I direct my questions to? Anyone? Anyone. Did you ever get the present? Brother, I don't know what to tell you. This ain't me. Yeah. Well, you were telling the truth last time, but you never. What did you get for your 11th birthday? Do you remember? Boomerang. Do you remember? It might have been. Come on. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I had a very late puberty, so I wouldn't have been as worried about mom coming in the bathroom at 11. That's an older. That's a younger. You know what I mean? It's when you hit puberty, you go, Oh, mom, get out. You're going to see my penis in the bath. You know? That's the first year of puberty. You go, Oh, mom can't see my penis anymore. Is my accent too strong? Do people not understand what I'm fucking saying? When you hit puberty, mommy doesn't get to see your penis anymore. And I had a very late puberty. So who here had an early enough puberty? How late was your puberty? Oh, I was the oldest soprano the boys choir ever had. Yeah. Can I tell you something? I think. This might be Q. This might be Brian, because I think. What this strikes me as. Yeah. Stat and I own families. Close. Overbearing mother. Something like that. Really? Nothing in that story says that the mother was overbearing. She just came into the room. Yeah, the kid was overbearing, to be honest. Kid sounds problematic to me. The kid's a fucking asshole. He takes a fucking bath. Yeah, a bath at 11 is also pretty crazy. Yeah, what are you doing? Like, just take a shower and jerk off like everybody else. Really? At 11? I feel like they were luring their mom in. Yeah. I will say, Jay is. Jay was a little mama's boy for a very, very long time. And I can see Jay playing with a fucking rubber ducky in the bathtub, doing this with his hair a lot. Oh, yeah. I was 11. I wasn't retarded. I fucking played with toy, but like G.I. Joe's or something. Like, rubber ducky at 11? You were playing with G.I. Joe's? Yeah. What toys you play with as a kid really don't help. Form. You know what I'm saying? But you got the hair, you got the gloves. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a Barbie doll. Well, you would assume he was playing with Barbies, I know. At least a My Little Pony man, but. No. Cobra. No, no, but I would have made my G.I. Joe's fuck the Barbies, but it looked. They were bizarrely proportionally wrong, you know what I mean? Also, the Barbie's legs, they don't spread. You have to like split them, which is very weird. A weird way to fuck the G.I. Joe's legs. Well, G.I. Joe's only this big, so he has to get up on a counter and just have her bend over, if I'm being honest. Yeah, well, yeah, you could do doggy style. The Barbie, but her knees don't bend, so standing up doggy style. Or edge-of-the-bed missionary. I feel like this one's big J or Brian. I think it's Q. I always thought that G.I. Joe earned the right to sit back and just get ridden by Barbie. Yeah. 'Cause he fought for this country. Yeah, fuck yeah, he did. Yeah. What the fuck did Barbie do? Everyone's voting for Brian right now, Brian Q. Everybody's voting for me? Yeah, why do I think it's him? You seem guilty. Oh, you guys are fucking crazy. If you think it's me. 'Cause it ain't. I'm going back. Louis didn't get presents ever. It could be Louis. That's not true. That's what he wants you to think. That was a crazy waste of a vote. It's not part of their culture. Now I think it's Q only because I feel like he has no, he had no intention with his vote. Yeah. He was just like, "Ah, whatever it is." Shit, man, that's a fucking, you want to double down on that? There we go. Brian Q. Oh, wow. You guys don't know what you're dealing with yet. You guys don't know what you're fucking dealing with yet. It could be you, Louis. Oh, I thought it was big J the whole time. What? That was my first instinct. Alex, whose story was story number one? What are you barking at me for? Story number two belongs to Ari Shafir. Look at that. Look at that. It's like, "Ari, you have such a big dick, but I wouldn't want to have whatever." Whatever is between your legs. I wish my dick was that big, but I don't wish my dick looked like that. Maybe I know. I wish it was a prettier, proportioned one. Maybe I misunderstood the game. Well, it is about milestones. That was the first naked cock on Story Wars. All right. 99 and one. Damn. Wow. What was the present? That's wild. The present was a Kodak camera. She walked in with the rest of the family, and they all started singing happy birthday, and I was fucking livid. While you were in the bathtub? I was in the bathtub. It was way out of line. I'll defend that she shouldn't have done it, but I was so upset because I was like, "Now I feel bad," because they were just trying to give me a fucking present. Yeah. It was a weird choice on their part. Yeah. It was a weird choice. What if you were taking a shit? There's almost no options that are good in the bathroom. What if I was jerking it? You were either jerking it, taking a shit, or taking a bath. taking a bath. Those are the only three options. At seven, oh, maybe. Yeah. Damn. Anyway, do I get points for that shit? Because everybody guessed me? No. No points for that. But I fooled you guys. I also misunderstood the game. I thought that I was getting all those. It's an easy game to misunderstand. I thought I was getting all those points. It turns out you have to show everybody your penis. That's the game. I didn't understand. I can't wait until it's my turn to show my penis. I remember this. That's how we got Impractical Jokers. I have a penis. Jewish presents aren't as good as regular presents, though. So, like, everyone needs to do the math on that. What's the difference? Seraphina, much better job than I. That's cool. Well, as a two stories, what are our scores? All right. Tied for first place with four points each. Luis J. Gomez and Ari Shafir. Wow. Not great. All right, folks. Let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. Ridge Wallet is the last wallet you're ever going to need in your entire life. Really cool wallets. This is the only wallet that I'll ever use for the rest of my life. Over 50 colors and styles and high quality materials like titanium, leather, and carbon fiber. Really, really cool. I mean, it's a slim front pocket wallet. You put your cards right in it. You can do a money clip style. You can do the band styles while you have the band one. I rarely have cash, but it is great when you do have cash. But really, really cool. This is a great gift for anybody in your life. They also, every wallet comes with RFID blocking technology. I know. I've been trying to steal Luis's identity. A 99-day risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty. We've been using the wallets for years, but now they also have key cases, rings, and portable chargers. They even make waterproof luggage and backpacks. They make quality products with everything they do. Make sure you check them out. And for a limited time, Story Warriors get 10% off at Ridge by using the code WARS with a Z at checkout. W-A-R-Z. Just head to Ridge.com, use that code WARS, and you're all set. Okay, Story Warriors. Let's thank Factor Meals for supporting the show. I'll tell you right now, look, I'm not a great cook. I do an okay job, but I don't have the time, energy, I don't have any of that to go and figure out how to make really amazing quality meals. So when I'm trying to eat something that's really great and delicious, Factor comes in so handy. They're designed by dieticians and prepared by real chefs. There's no planning, no cooking, and they're ready in just two minutes. Jay, they have a brand new menu all the time. They change the menu options. You never get bored of it, and no matter what your dietary restrictions are, they have you covered. Oh, yeah. I've been using Factor for years. I have no. We always get home late, even in the days that we are in town, and often, you know, you can't just keep ordering out. It'll be so unhealthy for you. Factor Meals aren't expensive, and they're delicious. I mean, perfect-sized portions. They're not small, not small portions at all, and they're. It's just quality, quality products, and you feel like you didn't do something so shitty for yourself. Head over to FactorMeals.com That's W-A-R-Z-5. five, zero OFF. So it's factor meals.com slash wars 50 off and use code wars 50 off to get 50% off. And you get a free daily greens per box, new subscriptions only while supplies last until September 27th, 2026. See website for more details. Hey, story wars. Let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show. And that is ultra pouches. What if you could unwind with no nicotine and no caffeine, just the good stuff. Well, ultra pouches work for your brain and body with a blend of nootropics and vitamins built for focus and mental clarity. Ultra pouches power you through the workday workouts. And when you're on the go, they stay hydrated and don't dry your mouth out. And there's no dizziness, no stomach rumbles, just clean energy and five amazing flavors, cool mint, wintergreen, tropical watermelon, and the all new blue Raz really is great. I love ultra patches. I already used nootropics. Alpha GPC is the sort of the star ingredient of them, which I really, really love. I have the tropical and the watermelon ones. Um, I, I was bummed out because I don't want to take nicotine or caffeine in pouches, right? So everyone has these pouches. You want to take that in your butt? Yeah, dude, I had to take it all in my butt. Now you don't have to do that anymore. You could actually put the pouch right into your lip and look cool like everyone else. They also have their brand new line of sleep pouches, which is really cool. They're built for clean, natural rest. Pick up your ultra patches today and see what the buzz is all about. Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. And sorry, warriors can use code wars, W A R Z wars with a Z to get 15% off at take ultra.com. That's take ultra.com for 15% off with the code wars. All right, where were we? Alex story. Number three, story. Number three, Brian story. Number three, my first job in the entertainment industry was a mall Santa in my early twenties. You think Jay was a mall Santa? I didn't look like this then. That could be anybody up here. It would. Well, I mean, you know, all right. It wasn't Ari. We could all pretty much, we could all pretty much say it was not me. Ari's out, I guess. You would think it would be a husky. Do they celebrate Christmas in? We don't even have Christmas in Australia. Yeah. And when we do, it's not Santa. It's not Santa Claus. Let me tell you that. What do you got there? It's a guy wearing black face and we call him Mr. Obama. And what he does is he kills old people. But through the chimney? No, they go up the chimney afterwards. First job in the entertainment industry. Who would say the entertainment industry? Yeah. What type of person would say that? What sort of fucking insane guy? Who can say that? What a truly interesting thing to say. Yeah. I don't think that anybody has ever heard the word entertainment industry out of my mouth. It's not me. That's kind of insulting. Also, you need a husky gentleman. A husky bearded gentleman. I thought they'd be more fat when I reached out. You guys are the same person. Yeah. We're both from weird islands. I'm from Staten Island. He's from Australia. It's Australia, right? No. No, no. That's not part of the game. Do they actually have Santa Claus in Australia? We do have Santa. Yeah. You do. You call him Father Christmas, though. Father Christmas. Do they work at the mall? Can you go sit in his lap at the mall? We don't call it a mall. He could literally tell us anything about his culture. We would just believe him. We call it the indoor high street. So how do you like that? We go, let's go visit Father Christmas at Ship Shop Town. We'll all have our raspberries and go for a skip. I mean, it could be Lewis just because it's like, what? He was drumming up money in any way he could. Who's hiring him as a mall Santa? I could be a good mall Santa. Who's hiring him for anything? No, you couldn't. Ho, ho, ho. By God, he's very good at that. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Santa got a tanning bed in the North Coast. Ho, ho, ho. I'm the only Santa that comes on your chimney and takes your toys. Ho, ho, ho, doggie. Jesus. What's this? Your mom's peeing. Go back to bed. You're just dreaming. Son, ho, ho, ho. That noise means your mom's happy. Ho, ho, ho. Oh. I'm going to do Big J. You're going to do Big J. Big J is crazy. Why is Big J crazy? He didn't used to have that hair. Because I would know if Big J was a mall Santa. You would know if Big J was a mall Santa. I would know if Big J was a mall Santa. There's no hiding that. Yeah, I think it's God damn it. We can't all vote for the same person over and over again. Eventually, it's going to be true. God damn it. Broken clocks right twice a day. I did not get points for all the. I should be getting points here. Yeah, if people miss. It should be some level of points if you make people guess you. Oh, this might be McCann. Fuck. It's McCann? Well, he said Santa. He's giving you a stick. It's McCann? Fuck. It is him. Fuck. Let me just convince everyone that's the game now. Episode 100, everybody. And the story belongs to. Whoever just stands up with their dick out. Q, I forgot to tell you that on the text. It's fucking Father Christmas. It's not you? It is. It's not me. Fuck. I said it wasn't me. Alex, whose story was story number three? Story number three belongs to James McCann. Woof, woof, woof, woof. I was so scared it was smaller than it normally is. I had to put it away. I had to put it away very quickly. It's usually a very big penis. And it was uncircumcised. No, I had a very mild circumcision in my early 30s. I thought I saw a baby kangaroo's head poking out of it. Come on now. Come on now. We must move on with the show. What have you done? What have you begun? You've changed the show for the next 100 episodes. Can't wait for episode 100. Episode 200, where it's vaginas. All right, so tell us this story. This was your first job. I was very poor, and I couldn't believe they gave one to me. It was a terrible Santa company. It was mall Santas. It was also going into people's homes. So, yeah. So, I mean, a big part of that is Italians love showing off that they have money, but do not want to embarrass themselves by dressing up as Santa Claus, so they will hire somebody to come and do that for them. So, I had to go around to the outer suburbs in Melbourne on public transport, because I couldn't drive yet. In the outfit? No, I'd have a suitcase with me, and there'd be elves who were getting paid less and were really sexually quite exciting. And, yeah, big extended Italian families would come and sit on my lap, but also some more work. Nice. Man, terrible fucking company. They gave me shoes that didn't fit. It's really hot in Australia, so they'd give me toothpaste, to make the eyebrows white, and then it'd drip down into the eye. It's fucking rotten. They said my glasses were too cool to be Santa, so they gave me other glasses, and then, like, just try not to look through them. They're going to fuck up your eyes. I was, like, 22. No one was happy to see me as Santa. You were a young Santa. They weren't old, Phil. I'm, oh, hello, everybody. I'm Santa. I couldn't do it. It was deeply embarrassing. Wait, in Australia, do the kids think that Santa has an Australian accent? Sort of. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, fuck, you're getting fucking heaps of cow, mate, you fucking dog. You fucking dog cunt. I'm giving you cow. Alex, we're a point ahead after three stories. This show is off the fucking rails right now. I don't remember any time. I don't remember any episode. Time check, 2.37 in the morning. It's not. I have at no point understood what was going on around me. You've got to show your penis when you're weird. Yeah, okay, okay, thank you, buddy. Thank you. I thought it was pretty cut and dry. Yeah, no, now I get it. Nobody put it so bluntly. Thank you. I think mine is pretty cut and dry. Oh, hell yeah, but that's by religious law. Oh, imagine having a wet dick. Alex, where are our points at? After three clean sweeps in a row, tied for first place with four points each, Louis J. Gomez, Ari Shafir, and James McCann. Brian, me and you are watching this book go through our fingertips. Oh, man, I was fucking Miss Rachel and all that shit. In 101st words, Miss Rachel emphasizes that learning is to speak is one of the best things in life. of the biggest milestones in early childhood. The book encourages repetition, pointing, and sounding words out loud, helping babies connect language to the world around them, one word at a time. I just like smoking over you when you read. Oh, okay. That just terrifies me. Anytime we can't see you, we're like, where's Ari going? What is he doing? Yeah, watch my six. Ari's here. Can I get a cigarette? Is anybody got? Yeah, thanks, bud. All right. Alex, story number four. Story number four. I was once thrown off my own party by the venue manager because I was drunk and trespassing in the venue kitchen. The party went all about me. Brian. Was that Nick Nolte? Wait, what was this? Wait, what was it? I was once thrown out of my own party by the venue manager because I was drunk and trespassing in the venue kitchen. The party went on without me. Okay. You think I deal with venue managers? No, no, no. I was saying that, Brian. Oh, okay. It was more like read clearly. That I would throw a party with a venue manager. My own party. Yeah. Venue manager. Drunk and trespassing. Honestly, that could be anybody. If it's your party and you live it right. Going in the kitchen. Well, what type of party was it, bud? Well, I was celebrating the release of my new storytelling show, This Is Not Happening. It was a few years ago. Okay, right. And yeah, we had an after party at Cheetah's and I went in the back and. Cheetah's? Oh, fuck. What happened? No. No. It's not Ari. It's not Ari. It's not Ari. What is your definition of drunk and trespassing in the venue kitchen? I'm assuming they went into an area where they weren't supposed to go. Yeah, the kitchen. The quotations means that's what they said about him, right? Yeah, they said I was drunk and trespassing. They got thrown out and the party kept going. Jay, yeah, this was Jay's story. It's not that I wouldn't know the story. It's not that crazy of a story. It would be so mortifying for Jay that he wouldn't be able to hide that. And Jay also would make everyone come out with him. He's such a fucking pussy faggot. He'd be like, wow, you guys have to go. We're all thrown out. We all have to leave. We all got to go now, guys. Guys, they're saying we got to go. No, I heard him say you. I heard him just say just you. Yeah. I've never been drunk and kicked out of anywhere. Who? I got to think this one's Brian. The reason is because none of us can afford a party at a venue. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling, too. Well, I mean, a bowling alley has a fucking manager. I could see it as Lewis as well. For sure. He would just go, I fucking run this party. I'm allowed to go wherever I want. Yeah, I mean, I've been thrown out of a few bars in my day. Any venues? Yeah, but not during my own party. It's happened. Having sex in the bathroom, doing blow on the bathroom, rolling a blunt in the bathroom. Thank you. Pick another room, dude. I love doing all those things by other people's piss sticks. Little piss stickies all over the floor. I mean, God damn it, I'm going to say Brian again. Four in a row. You guys are. I'm going to mix it up because we're on the lead. We're tied on the lead. I'm with the high strategy. If we split it up now, the person can only get to three. Yeah. You see? No, not that. Unless we all guess. That's wrong. You know, that's wrong. That's true. It is Brian, though. It's definitely my story. At some point, it's got to be Brian. It's got to be me. I'm actually shocked it hasn't been me yet. No, we've gone a whole game without somebody's story. Really? Yeah, three each. It doesn't have to be pulled, but I am getting a Brian vibe on this one. Yeah. What? Are you asking to speak to him or are you saying it's his story? Is this person retarded? The tone isn't changing. Did a fucking crow fly in here or some shit? Is that Miss Pat? What is going on? Is that Miss Pat? It's Miss Pat. Oh, fuck. Oh. I knew when I heard someone say Ori, it must be Miss Pat. Miss Pat, everybody. Great Miss Pat. Why are y'all white boys up here? I'm just showing y'all a little bit of dicks. Mine is usually a lot bigger than it was. Ma'am, sir, if that was big, it ain't no black people in the world. That shit was so little, you scared me. That shit wasn't even suckable. I would swallow that. I'm serious. I don't know where you was at when God was giving that dick, but. I promise I have a good size. I promise you that was nuts, nigga. That was all nuts. James, what's happening to you right now is every white guy's nightmare. Like, literally. You're going to stop. I'm going to come if you keep talking like that. This is the nightmare people wake up with. I didn't know this could happen outside of a video. He ain't got enough to suck, but he got enough to teabag a bitch. Jesus Christ. I was going to ask you how much he charges. This is your dick too? Oh, I know your shit. You ain't got nothing. I seen that shit. You Jews, y'all ain't got no dick. Miss Pat, you think Ari's dick is small? That's why y'all stealing everybody's money. Miss Pat, he had a pretty big dick for a white guy. You think Ari's dick is small? What? Ari. That's why ain't nobody black up. Anybody black in this room with some dick? By the way, that guy did this. You're not black, sir. I'm talking about a real black man. I'm talking about a black man that can run. That's where we're figuring out StoryWars has no black fans. Or it's black guys that are not confident in their dicks. Well, my daughter in the car, I'm going to go get her dick. I just wanted to say hi. What are you doing here? I have a show at the Belasso. Oh, yeah. Hey. Hey. How you doing? I wouldn't see you if I didn't have on my glasses, so I just wanted to say hi. Hey, Big Jay. Hi, Miss Pat. I called you and you didn't call me back, but that's okay. What? Man, then I am really happy you haven't seen my dick. I think you might be working with something, Big Jay. No. Miss Pat, I'd be so. I was with you on that Burt cruise when we were judging the guys in Speedo's contest. Oh, yeah. And those guys got. Burt said that he would give them $5,000 for the smallest dick on the boat. And these guys started doing it, and I saw things. Like, I wanted to stop. I've never called to stop anything fun or funny in my life. But I was like, we have to stop this. This is great. These guys are going to regret this, and you can jump off this boat easy. That was the first time I ever seen a white man pull out a pussy. Miss Pat, everybody. Again, I often have a good-sized penis. Wow. Wow. I like her walking off as you're just still explaining. He goes, no, it's fucking freezing. I'm tired. On the third Ari, I was like, wait, I know that voice. Ori. That was nice. Ori. Ori. Burt's doing another cruise, right? In a few months? Yeah. Yeah. I hope that cruise gets Hantavirus. I hope they all leave you guys at sea outside of Norway. We never have to see any of you ever again. All right. It's Brian Quinn. That's my answer on this story. I think so, too. Thrown out of his own party by the venue manager, being drunk and trespassing. He's a drunk. He's got five beers and liquor in front of him right now. Yeah. I'll mix up. I'll mix it up. It can't be him again. It hasn't been him yet. It's not Jay. Jay doesn't get drunk like that. Oh, I got it wrong then. Who did you pick? I'm either thinking Brian. I don't know. I was thinking about how big my penis. was. Yeah, no, you were under. Because it's usually fine. You were under intense scrutiny. Okay. I didn't know this was to get your dick. I didn't spend all day getting ready. I didn't know that was happening. I wasn't sitting here rubbing blood into myself to prepare for the big moment. Well, to be fair, nobody asked you to take your dick out. No, but it was the right thing to do at the time. I don't know. We all know it was the right thing to do at the time. I didn't have a choice. In retrospect, I think you're all wrong. I think it was not the right thing to do. You're not going to get your dick out? When it's your turn, you're not going to keep your dick in your pants? I'm not going to. I guess I'm going to get my dick out if I win. Yeah, I guess so. I'll do it. You can never win. People write your name for every question. It's fucking wild. I got no shot. It's crazy. Imagine that's what they did with the practical jokers every time they won a round. It'd be on the Playboy channel. It'd be great. - Nobody would watch. - All of our answers are in, Alex. or it was story number four? Story number four belongs to Brian Quinn. Yeah, that's me. It was actually the season two premiere party from Practical Jokers. The network threw us this big party and I stepped into the kitchen to make a phone call and the venue manager started screaming at me for no reason. And then a bunch of my guys from my firehouse was there and they saw me getting screamed at so they went to go swing at the manager and we all got fucking thrown out. Yeah, the FDNY rolls hard, man. They took a swing right at him and we all got thrown out. It was fucking crazy. But, you know, the guys still laugh at me to this day. I miss the entire party. But I was across the street in the West Village drinking with a bunch of firemen, so it was good. All right, fighter. That's usually the beginning of a very gay story. Oh, I can keep going. And then they locked the door. And then I sucked them off, all of them. They said, now you just can't leave. Oh, it was great. Yeah, I was like, now you're not leaving until I chug them fire hoses. Yeah, it was great. I don't know, man. All I heard was a guy not getting his dick out. That's all I'm saying. I'm just saying that. I thought this was in for it. You don't have to do it, and I would never pressure a man to do that. But, you know, I'm just. Has this fucking town learned nothing? Getting your dick out is back, baby. Louie's at the Hollywood Bowl, baby. I wouldn't pull my dick out in this room until I got a call from Miss Pat saying she was at her house. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I just felt inadequate standing near her. Also, you guys are sort of stealing Louie C.K.'s bit. Right. It's a homage. I actually didn't get it at first, but now I get it at this point. Four stories down. All right, in last place with one point, Brian Quinn. Brian Quinn. Fuck it, I'm on the board. Who doesn't love an underdog, right? Who the fuck doesn't want me to come from behind at this point? Show my dick, we'll all have a good time? They love a comeback. I'm sorry. In fourth place with two points, Big Jay Oakerson. In third place with four points, James McCann. I'm about to call ice on this motherfucker. I got a groan? And tied for first place with six points each, Luis J. Well, we are at the halfway point of the show, so real quick, let's just go around the horn, do some quick plugs. Q, what are you plugging? My friend. We're shooting a new season of Practical Jokers now, so it'll be in the air soon, and yeah, it'll end with my funeral. So, there you go. James. I've got a new OnlyFans, Itty Bitty Boys 69. We're doing great stuff out there. Nah, seriously, folks. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan, big podcast. Yeah. What if James found out today that he can't come now unless that's happened to him, and there's a black woman starts yelling about his small penis to him? All right. I got a new storytelling show called The End. It's starring Big Jay Oakerson and Miss Pat. And myself. Seven one-hour episodes of great stories, all at ariashafir.com. I've also got a podcast called You Be Trippin', and another podcast every week called Legion of Skanks. Tune in every week. I, I, can I say something? Please. Joe DeRosa wanted me to tell you guys specifically to go fuck yourselves for booking me instead of him. He said I have no place here, and he would do better on the show. He said you guys are star fuckers and to go fuck yourselves. And that's what Joe DeRosa told me to tell you. You memorized that verbatim. You put work into memorizing that, which is pretty great. Well, yeah. I spent all day, I spent all day with him. He said it several times. Yeah, he was. I'm glad you're here. Are you? Yes. Why's that? Because how, I mean, Joe DeRosa could come on, but how many stories can you have about getting drunk and pooping your pants? I mean. More than you think. Red Band, higher up, higher possibility that he would have pulled his dick out, though. Yeah. So, Red Band, what are you plugging, my friend? What? What are you plugging? Uh, yeah, I use a VPN when I have to look at porn in Texas, but here in L.A., I don't. Yay! That's. Oh, yes. All right. Big J, what are you plugging? What is happening tonight? It's a wild night. BigJComedy.com. It's 7.05 in the morning, by the way. BigJComedy.com for all my tickets. I'm always on the road. Look for a city near you. Of course, listen to The Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103, with me and the great Robert Kelly, and, of course, the Legion of fucking. the Legion of fucking skanks right here at KS Digital. Hell, yeah. Come see me on the road. Rattle me. This tour on my website, lewisaskanks.com. Sign up for my mailing list. Buy my book, Knives and Spoons, on Amazon or at barnesandnobles.com. And if you love the show, you should know we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show every Monday night before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else. You do fucking what? An uncensored and ad-free version of the show. Hold on. What? Surely there's at least a little censorship when the show comes out. No. You don't censor it at all. No, not on gas station. No, not on gas digital. Is that right? That's right. Crazy. I guess we could have mentioned that before the show. Just for subscribers, so if you want to see James McCann's dick. No, no. Hold on. And if you want the ability to post screenshots of it to the Matt and Shane subreddit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Make sure you guys subscribe to gas digital. Use the promo code or save a couple bucks a month. Yes, wolf indeed. Good lord. A bunch of episodes that are not available anymore that are only available on gas digital. So go do that. That's the best way to support the show. And I'll tell you right now, we are the second half of the show. Truly anybody's game still. Jay, maybe explain what's going on with the second half. Well, for the first half of the game, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you get two points. But that now jumps forward to double points. Double points. It's a double points game. He's back. After 100 episodes, the double points game came back. That's great. We left him in L.A.? Was that? I gotta be honest. When a gift comes out with his dick not out after multiple dicks are out, it loses something. It does lose something, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what's not gonna lose. Me and Brian Quinn, because we're still very much in this game. You guys need the double points to get back. Hey! Double points, Gimp! Do you understand what we're playing with now? What is this, a fucking prude Gimp with his dick in his pants? What are we doing? Nah, I'm kidding. Well, you see the show's uncensored, so he doesn't want everybody to see his weight. Yes, wouldn't that be a good thing to know? Yeah, okay, yeah. I don't give the pre-show speech. I forgot to give them the pre-show speech. I didn't give them any rules. Is that true? That's why they're off the rails. Is that true? I swear to God. Your whole thing's the speech. I give them a pre-show speech every time, and today, we were starting so late, I was wondering when are we starting this show? We had an extra hour to give the speech. You started early. Yeah. It wasn't so early. Sprung on us. I just love the fact that every time we want him to come out, we just say double point. Yeah! He has to do that for the rest of the night. I love it so much. Give it a try, James. What? Shaking it up and down? No, no. Saying the thing? Yeah. I'll save it for later on. Okay. All right. So I still have a shot, just so I'm clear on this. If I, because we're now in double points. Q, you have to be a story warrior. You've had to win the game in order to trigger double points. So if I say double points, I get a fucking middle fingers. I get, it gets weird. It's strangely aggressive. I mean, that's fucking wild that I just got the double bird on that one. It's too aggressive for sure. I'm a guest here. I'm not getting paid. If I want to say double points, I feel like I should. You're not allowed. Ari's won twice, so Ari at any time can say. I understand the power of getting double points. - wait a second who besides me on this fucking stage can't say double points i've never been the heel before this is amazing i kind of want to tell them all to go fuck themselves is this is this what you guys feel the power you feel on stage i say double points they and i yeah you specifically i tell you to go fuck yourself go fuck your fucking mother i get it i get it shit man i've been playing in this g-rated nonsense yeah it's a give and take it's a volley with the audience they love it that guy that guy has he's a mexican gangster is he he's a fucking juggler with three teeth in his mouth he's gonna murder you after the show well he will wear your skin and show up to work on monday add double points fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you all oh we gotta cleanse i don't give a shit i see what you applaud i don't give a shit fuck you yeah double points fucking sheeple all right all right all right all right alex story number five story number five my girlfriend once ran away because we had anal sex and afterwards she accidentally pooped out a little poop pebble i had to drive around for like a half hour to find her that that story has miles and stones i did by the way i did fuck a girl in the ass one time uh and then i put it in her her vagina and when she was coming while i was having sex in her vagina coming yes uh she she pooped out what looked exact the exact shape and size of a hershey kiss that landed on my dick and then i pulled my dick out and it fell onto the bed and then i tried to scoop it up without her seeing it and then i pulled my dick out and it fell onto the bed and then i couldn't so eventually my hand i was trying to get it up because i felt bad i felt guilty but you said you tried to you couldn't get it was getting away from you i could it was yeah it was it was starting to smear into the sheet oh hot potato so i had to tell her i was like you just you just shit out here and then she was mortified and uh you know that's how uh that's why i fell in love with kim congan beautiful but this is not my story i would vote for red man on this one i feel like this is ari possibly i don't know i used to live on pebble drive i i don't know ari to own a car what oh he was in la people can't see this there's a lot of there's a lot of caps lock on this one yeah they really are pebble i had to drive around for a half hour miles and stones no one's written anything like this yeah yet yeah why all the capital letters that's interesting yeah big j big j hasn't had one yet i haven't been on the show before does big j use capital letters in an unusual fashion i've never seen him do that but big j also has been changing his strategies lately he's gotten way better at the game j last night won a record-setting game it was incredible if you guys were here wow um we started at 10 30 yeah j's mind works before 5 a.m east coast time um i feel the key to this one is to pick the guy who you think would care enough to drive around for a half hour because i'm looking a lot of guys on the stage that would not put in 10 minutes on searching for this girl i feel like a lot of us would be like let's just go to bed so i feel we have to pick someone who seems sweet and cuddly enough see cuddly who else does words on plays oh listen words listen my tiny little penis could never do the sort of damage right to result in some kind of shit let me tell you something i've learned there's no dick too small for a butthole dude yeah in fact no girl's ever said your dick's too small for my asshole it's never been said once ever and i think you know that and i think and i think it's clear you know that i think it worked i don't think people should be doing that sort of business yeah yeah that story has miles and stones who's the type of dork that would put that at the end of the story gonna be ari no but ari's got a massive he's not fucking a girl in her ass with that giant penis if i fucked a girl in the butt it wouldn't be poop that came out it'd be blood yeah ari is that why you poop blood all the time that is you touched it on me frankly that's a rap lyric if i fuck a girl in the butt she'd be pooping blood you know that'd be miss pat what anyway i it's not me it's not me i can tell you that here's what i'll say big j uh two things i'm what he's a very nice guy if he if a girl felt bad and she left he would go find her to make her feel better and he also has a small penis that would probably just barely pleasure her and maybe only a little poop pebble would come out of her butt afterwards what are you splitting girl shitters lewis who who up here would refer to poop uh like as poop like not shit like who's who says poop red band it's not on here yeah poop pebble i think it's this seems like ari i'd say it's lewis or james yeah i think it's james all right it's not me don't waste the vote yeah you've been oh well whatever i'm putting you think lewis i think potentially lewis hey james i'll go lewis then i'll try and get the points i'll look at you i'm going say something about it big j okerson whether or not that has happened to me that's not my story ari ari shafir it didn't happen to me i put lewis big j is my vote james mccann votes lewis why me james because ari said it and it might be ari and i know it's not me seems like you or lewis i don't think it's i don't think it's q it's the word poop it's a poop it's the miles and stones but lewis has been punny lately i am very punny i love i love a pun i look i gotta be honest with you this be honest lewis uh i'll be i'm being honest this is not me i have a similar story i did not tell this story it's the only time that's happened i've had girls shit on my dick before but not poop pebbles was that the act like it was she literally shit on your dick yeah during the middle of it like uh it's like a smell filled the room no she wasn't yeah he was asking more like did you just hold your wiener out and she sped over to take it was that the intention i don't think maybe it's j j could it be you i don't know but if you did that if you put your wiener out and let a girl like just take a fresh shit on the tip of your dick that should be called the diving board a triple lindsey let's call it call it the carvel it comes out like ice cream oh ari shafir votes for lewis j gomez big mistake damn it alex five stories in whose story story number five story number five belongs to big j okerson fools fools for you for me i put you the court is now in session yeah my right after my girlfriend right after high school uh was in my yeah my room one day i lived my mom still obviously and uh i convinced her to let's try anal and i finished inside and then when i pulled out it was just followed by like a like a raisinette of shit and i kind of had like a and and she went what and then saw and she's like oh my god and she literally threw her pants on and ran out of the house and just like i mean that sounds like the problem took care of itself like why don't you just relax good riddance oh the hardest part was over she's gone take your shit nugget with your pig just flicked it out of her oh you forgot something you who um by the way though i mean come on guys she should add a little poop pebble and then i had to drive around for a half hour that story has miles and stones come on i told you jay's playing a different game right now it's cute jay's gaming alex where are points at in last place with one point brian quinn double points in fourth place with four points james mccann yeah in third place with six points ari shafir in second place with eight points big jay okerson that's a jump that's a jump and In the lead with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez. I cannot wait to find out first 100 words. Hey, Story Warriors, let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show, and that is HIMSS. Look, you don't have to be embarrassed about ED anymore, Luis. I'm looking right at you. Just get it taken care of with HIMSS. They help you get personalized prescription treatment options for ED. I already got it taken care of. Look at this. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look at that. Is that a new vein? They have trusted generics over at HIMSS that cost 95% less than brand names. They also have in-house products like their Hard Mints and SexRx Plus Climax Control. With 100% online access to personalized treatment plans, HIMSS can bring expert care right to you. I'm looking at you, noodle dick. No, that's not a noodle right there. That's like a – that's like – Oh, no, I was talking to the proverbial noodle dick out there in the world, not you. Dude, I can see that you are taking your product and you are – You're raging right now. That's like a roll of quarters right there for you, my friend. I'll be honest. You look wobbly. You might want to sit down. There's no blood in your body. Dude, my equilibrium is thrown off from this huge – You're going to fall forward, dude. It's done online. You don't have to talk to a doctor. You don't have to go anywhere. You get an online doctor. They will give you your prescription, what you need. Then it's sent to your door in discreet packaging. Not only do they have stuff for ED, but they have hair loss treatments, weight loss treatments, and more. So right now, just visit HIMSS.com slash wars with a Z. W-A-R-Z. That's HIMSS.com slash W-A-R-Z for your free online visit today. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietris Specialty LLC. HIMSS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietris. You know what's up. My story is that I started this company about a year ago called Body Brain Coffee, and it is not just normal coffee. It is coffee. We started with amazing premium freeze-dried coffee, and then we blended in nootropics and adaptogens that will make you feel like the best. Like the best version of yourself. You know, testosterone is down. Testosterone is down on average 1% for every year after you turn 30 years old, your testosterone will drop. And guess what? It's half as what it was in your grandpa's generation. That's why we included Tonka Raleigh, which has been naturally linked to supporting testosterone in men, especially aging men. Plus, it's got L-theanine. It's got lion's mane mushrooms for focus and memory, and ashwagandha, which supports mood and stress. So it's great. Jay, I know you've been boofing it for about. About a year now, and you've never been more manly. You've never been more focused. You've never been more locked in. No. My asshole is getting really hairy, though. So I don't know who I write to about that in the company. I just want to make sure I give my findings. But yes, I feel fantastic. However you get it in you, get it in you. I said you should put that on the T-shirt. Go try it, man. Look, it really is great. People really love it. Check out our reviews on Amazon and on Shopify. Bodybraincoffee.com is the website. Use the promo code WAR20. Two zero. War two zero. You save 20% off. If you decide to subscribe, not only are you saving 20% off, but we're going to give you free shipping for life, which is huge. Save a couple more bucks right there. Once again, that's bodybraincoffee.com. Use the promo code WAR20 to save 20% off. And if you decide to subscribe, get free shipping for life. All right. Where were we? Alex. Story number six. Story number six. I broke up with a long-time girlfriend. And her best friend hated me so much because of it that she tried to spit on my face. 100% of her spit went perfectly in my mouth. And me and that friend hooked up less than a year later. You guys think every story is me, you pieces of shit? I mean. Guys, guys, guys. I mean, I mean, Lewis. The whole game is discussing it. I know, but what's to discuss? This is everything that you, if it's fucking. Listen, Jay, we're loading somebody up. We're loading somebody up with so many points right now if you vote for me. Take that out of it. Why is this not you? Why is this not me? Can I say look? Dude. Dude, this is every. This is. This is one of the times this has happened to you in your life. Listen to me. Multiple times. As I was listening to the story, when I heard the spit went into his mouth. You got hard again? I went, yes. I went, that's pretty fucking hot. Then the end of it was me and that friend hooked up less than a year later. I was like, and I was proud of whoever it was. I was like, yes, I get it. I understand why everyone would think it's me. It is not me. I swear on Brian Redband's life that this story is not me. That means nothing. You are fucking. I'm freaking out, man. It's our 100th episode and you're fucking skitzing, man. You're glitching. It does read of someone who might have played the game a hundred times. You know? It's a milestone theme. Well, it was the time that woman spat in my mouth and then I fucked her. Yeah, milestone. Good luck getting that in line with you. I'm going to tell you what I think it is. Before you vote, I think it's James McCann. Because look how happy he is right now. He knows that everyone is going for me right now. He looks like a pig in shit. In shit right now. He looks so happy. So, I'm thinking it's James McCann. I really do. James is a virgin. No, James is a dirty boy. Every long time girlfriend I've broken up with, all of her friends have been pretty happy that it's over. I'm so happy you finally broke up with that stupid mall Santa. Lewis. She was an elf. Lewis, I'm trying this all and give myself that this could be anybody else. It's fun when you try to talk yourself out of what you think. I mean, he's building a paper aeroplane out of stress. Look at him go. Look at him fold. Lewis does a lot of stress building. Now, these are the stories that I'm giving out to the fans. It could be Ari. Who'd you put? It might be Ari. I can't change it now. If you've done that, if you've started that, if you've gone early and done that and tricked everybody, that would be incredible. You're about to do something special. Guys. You can't get it out again. James and McCann is my vote. I'm in the lead for a reason. You guys are just failing tonight. You can't get your dick out again. It's only for a clean sweep. Alex, whose story was story number six? Story number six belongs to Brian Quinn. What? No one even talks about him. Brian Quinn, you dirty, dirty boy. Motherfucker. I'm going to answer the only two questions that matter. Yes, I got hard when she spit in my mouth. And yes, a year later, I spit in her fucking mouth. Yes. Wow. Clean sweep during double points. That was a big deal. That's huge. Is this going to be every week or is it just like, is the Gimp going to be here all the time? What do you mean? Gimp's always been here, man. Gimp's never left. It's double points Gimp. Everyone knows that. He is going to shatter an ankle. Oh, dude, when he goes down, it's going to go down hard. Rolling around on the floor. You've never heard a Gimp scream. With a fucking ball in your mouth? Yeah. All right. In last place with four points, James McCann. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. In fourth place with six points, Ari Shaffir. In third place with eight points, Big Jay Oakerson. In second place with eight points, Chris McKeon. In third place with eight points, Chris McKeon. In third place with nine points, Brian Quinn. Thank you. And in first place with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez. This game just got close. This game got close. Super close game. Truly anybody's game. Two more stories. Are you guys having fun tonight? Come on, Story Wars. You having a good time? Well, then without further ado, let's get to the game. We're going to have a little bit of a break. Ross is having a heart attack currently. First time I've been at home, I lived in a small apartment with a morbidly obese Malaysian man. Who would watch animated pornography at the kitchen table. Why do you think that's me? It's too weird. It can't be you. You can't have a Santa outfit and live with a Malaysian man. You don't have Malaysians in America? No! None of us know it's what they are. I should have gone with Asian. Are they mall Asians? Mall Asians. We know you have malls, you piece of shit. Don't try to fool us with your mall Asians. How many times did you move out of home if that was the first time? Oh, man. Yeah. Three. You go break up. You go back home, no? Yeah. But everyone must have moved out of home a couple times. Where's Malaysia? Oh, it's where that airline was from. Don't laugh at me. None of you guys fucking know. You're all like, oh, what an idiot. Yeah, give an unmarked map, these fucking assholes. It's right next to Thailand. It's the whole point of Zoolander. It's a normal country. James, James, how old were you when you left home? How old when I was, in my lifetime? Yeah, the first time. I was 18. How old were you? I still live with my mommy and daddy. They cook for me every day. Yeah, Ari. She got to stay out of the bathroom. Ari, when was your first time to leave home? Was it for school or? Seminary, Yeshiva. Yeshiva University? No. Yeah, you didn't live with a Malaysian man in Yeshiva. I doubt it. Unless you were off campus in little Malaysia. I wouldn't count. How close to Australia is Malaysia? This is what I'm trying to get at. It's there. It's close. It's not that close, Ari. It's closer than it is here, dude. It'd be like, there's direct flights. Yeah. It's not big. Aren't Malaysians like Hawaiian? It's big. There's no fuel there, so that's big. There's direct flights. Baby, I don't even know what a Malaysia is. I'm just a guy hanging out. Uh-oh, James, if I were you, I would start fucking fluffing yourself, because you're about to have a fucking round two, and Miss Pat is back in the room, and she's ready to see it. Oh, yeah. When Miss Pat's here, I'm doing it. All right, fine. Get on with it. It doesn't matter what I put. Alex, who's story was story number seven? Story number seven belongs to James McCann. Of all the times just to put Asian, I didn't know. Malaysian-specific. It's not "Mol-Asian." Malaysia. No, it is. It's Latin for "bad Asian." But the-- Oh, come on, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's why it's a dead language. He would do all sorts of shit. I fucking hated him. Really made me racist against Malaysians for a long time. This guy was so bad. He would hide his dirty dishes in between our dirty dishes, so we'd also clean them. Were you happy with that? He stole my then girlfriend's underpants. To do what? Cook with them? We don't know. We never figured out. He would smoke inside. Filthy people. What a piece of shit. Right indoors. He's probably a nice guy. Makes me sick. That was my shot in the double points. That was your shot. Boo. Boo. Boo. Yeah. It doesn't feel good, does it? It doesn't feel good. But for some, yeah. They were more violent shouting for you, though. Yeah, I know. They really meant the boos when they came for you. Really went out. I know. Let me tell you. state. It's going to have to be a big last round for me. I've never been so. Got my dick out for nothing. Miss Pat made fun of me. There's an uncensored version that I absolutely never fucking knew. That's gas digital. You can get every uncensored version. Probably gasdigital.com or something like that. Fuck. Girls gone wild. That's rough. That's rough. That's hard to deal with. I'm sorry. In fourth place with ten points, Ari Shafir. In third place with twelve points, Big Jay Oakerson. In second place with thirteen points, Brian Quinn and in the lead with fourteen points. I can't tell if they're saying cue or boo. I don't know what it is. It's a lot of cues. Yeah, cue. I was saying cue. I was saying cue. I've done nothing to you people. I've done nothing. I've done nothing to you. Why are you giving me the middle fingers, sir? This is outrageous. Brian, I gotta be honest with you. You're close in this game, and if you do win this and come back, when they do double points again, you will have a much better time. His dick just knocked over the water bottle. That's girthy. That's the way a gimp proposes. Alex, finish the points, please. In first place with fourteen points, Luis J. Gomez. Sir, I said I would fuck you up. Do you remember that? You think so, sir? Yeah, I might. I haven't won all week long, you piece of shit. I win too much. I've been getting my ass kicked. We have one more story. One more? That's it? That's it. James? You have no chance, bitch. James? You so badly want to take home this book. Look. One hundred first words by Miss Rachel. It's sweet, simple, and made for tiny people who are still learning how to say what they want. One hundred first. One hundred first words by Miss Rachel is a reminder that every great communicator starts with just one word. Damn, dude. I don't know. When Ari stands with me like that, it's like, abusive stepdad energy. You doing your homework? Your mom says she's going to be home late from work. Take your eyes off him. His dick's either out or he has your phone texting your mom that you hate her and you want her to die. Oh, shit. All right, everybody. A milestone. Our 100th show. Our final story. Alex, please. Story number eight. Story number eight. The principal said I couldn't walk down the aisle of my graduation because I was failing a class. So I told my family I didn't want to walk down the aisle so they wouldn't find out. This is Louis. Nope. I mean, I think it's you because it's me. This happened to me, I think, also. You also? No, it wasn't because I was failing classes. Mine was because there's fucking security. What's happening right now? Why did the principal say that about you, Ari? What? Why did the principal say you couldn't walk down the aisle? They have to take the alcohol away at two. Me? What's happening? I would literally have never failed a class in my life. At two o'clock, they have to take all the alcohol away. Yeah. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. They're going to take your alcohol away. Oh. Oh. I don't understand the rules. What does that mean? Oh! Oh! Oh! What a double point! He's running points. Wow. Wow. Where's the fucking gimp? Oh, wait. Is it no boos and no gimps after two? We won't let the gimp win. It will not be stopped. Wait, wait. He's got something to say. Double points. Man, it sucks when they take boos away when they make us start the show 30 minutes ago. Jesus Christ. So, look, I mean, I think my principal told me I would never graduate from my high school, but I ended up, because I was dating a girl that I wanted to go to the prom with, I ended up passing all my classes. I ended up passing all my classes and graduating on time. I was not failing a class at the end of graduation. Reddit poem? Piece of shit. I mean, he did. say that pretty fast without fumpfering around at all. I feel that was, I think that was real. Did you just make that word up? Yeah, it seemed real. Fumpfering? Fumpfering? Fumpfering around? Fumpfering? Is that a word? It's an old Jewish thing. Fumpfering's crazy. No, I think it's you. James, what were you like in high school? Or college? It's someone with a family and someone who can walk. if I'm allowed to ask the audience their opinion or is that. Please, you can, yeah. Okay, I can? I don't know, guys. You got more experience. Who do you think? I think maybe it's Brian. Take me out of it. Take me out of it. Who? Jay? Jay? Jay? This did happen to me. But it was for absences. Not failing. I'm gonna go with the audience. I feel they're saying Big Jay. I'm going with that. Yeah, it's Brian. That makes me feel like it's Brian. Are you? All I can do at this point is ruin it for someone else. Play Giant Killer. Play Giant Killer. Is it you? And even though this might not work, I would be so pleased if by me doing this you weren't ever allowed to say that phrase. Yeah, I know. You're real. You've been hostile to me from moment one. Hey, you refused to show the audience your penis. No. I didn't refuse. I didn't refuse. I thought we were all doing it. It's uncensored on Gas Digital. Whoop-a-dee-doo. I'm happy to show all these people my penis individually, one by one. And we could line up on this side afterwards. But there can't be any cameras or anything like that. You're giving your penis a. No way. I'm just showing it one-on-one. So upset about this uncensored on Gas Digital. Alright, alright, alright, alright. I'm going Big J because I think Big J is doing the strategy that I do, which is to admit that it's my story early and try to fool everybody. And I think not enough people have voted for Big J just yet. Big J is my answer. You're going to look like a fucking dumbass. Yes! Alex, whose story was story number eight? Story number eight belongs to Ari Shafir. Three-time winner! No, we don't know that yet. We don't know that yet. We don't know it yet. Tell the story. Tell the story. We don't know the points yet, Ari. Yo! What happened here? Is there more? Lewis, if I don't win, you can be in my new storytelling show, The End. All right, Alex, what are her points at? In last place, with four points, James McCann. But, honestly, God, don't listen to Miss Pat. Your wiener was great. I liked it. It was good. In fourth place, with 12 points, Big J. Oakerson. In third place, with 13 points, Brian Quinn. I thought he won him over. I guess double points don't matter! Don't ever say that. Double points do matter. I love you, Q! Thank you. I love you, too. Double points don't matter for shit. Oh! Oh! Fuck you. Alex? Second place scored 14 points. And your winner tonight, with the most wins in story war history, with 18 points, all of you, you're the winners! I love you, Q! I love you, too! Oh! Oh! Fuck you! Alex? And your winner tonight, with 18 points, all of you, you're the winners! And your winner tonight, with 18 points, all of you, you're the winners!