189: Breadcrumbs and The Bare Minimum In Dating

For decades, a shadowy organization called The Aleminati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, seven up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Showing the seven uprising. Flip this step. Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite. Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm. King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it. They flame your story on Instagram, but they're still not making plans. They tell you, we'll see, maybe I'll let you know they're just so fucking busy. You just can't seem to nail them down, but they always text you, or when it's convenient for them. So what I'm describing right now is the bare minimum and bread crumbs. Hello, hello, hello, welcome to another episode of The Super Nizzo Harsha. My name is Super Nizzo Harsha, and I am your host. Hi friends, welcome back to another episode and today. I actually realized we don't even have an episode on this on the bare minimum and bread crumbs. And I really wanted to talk about it because there are two problems happening at once when you're accepting the bare minimum. The first is what they're doing, right? The tactics. We're going to talk about that. The second is what's happening inside of you and what makes it hard to leave. And today we're going to cover both, which we don't normally do. But I wanted to see both sides of the coin. I want you guys to understand the real dualities of what's coming up for you as to why you accept it. And perhaps why they do it. And plus, I'll be answering your most asked questions. How do I know if it's breadcrumbing or if they're just busy? How long should I wait for someone who's not ready? And what do I actually say when I realize I'm getting bread crumbs? Guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Please don't forget to leave a comment if you haven't already. And if you like the show, let us know and if you don't, that's okay too. Like, I just wanted to take a second to just let anyone know. If you're new here, welcome to the family. It's great to have you. And if today is perhaps your last episode or you've outgrown it, that's okay, right? I don't take those things personally because you are allowed to make decisions for yourself, but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the show or that all the sudden we need to make this grandiose exit. You can do whatever feels right to you because everybody is welcome here, but it is not my job to keep you here. And I just want everyone to know that this is a safe community for you to feel what you want to feel. And if this is the first time, yeah, and if it's the last time, that's okay too. Thank you for being here and thank you for believing in me and allowing me to show up as me so that you can show up as you. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? So today, I really wanted to talk about both sides, right? I've been breadcrumbs before. I haven't really done a ton of breadcrumbing, but I know when I have, like, I can feel what's coming up for me and I know what is happening in my body or when I did date. And I think, you know, when we think about the bare minimum, I think a lot of us are coming from a place of, well, this is what I've always received and this must be love and this is what it is. But at the end of the day, the bare minimum is just something that somebody taught you. And so today, as always, don't forget to stick around until the end. You've got your tool of the week and I'm giving you to this week. Two things that you can really do to start understanding what's coming up for you and to start making choices from a place of empowerment for you, baby. That's the crux of the show. Everything I do is for you guys to make determinations for who you are and what aligns with you. I am never going to tell you what to do. That's not my job. I want you to make independent thoughts for yourself and not just have what other people tell you. But as always, if you do need anything, you can work one-on-one, you can join the going slow course or the dating foundations course, you can work one-on-one with me, you can ask a question, you can join and listen ad-free, or honestly, you can just be here. You can just be here and supporting the show in the way that you are means the fucking world. So thank you for that, but please know that the options are there for you. Okay, let's talk about what is breadcrumbing and kind of the bare minimum. So when somebody breadcrumbs you, they're giving you just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to give you any kind of security. So it includes sporadic texts, occasional plans, intensity followed by silence. And of course, as always, I got some studies for us because I really wanted to make sure we're rounding out the episodes and giving a little bit more than just a hypothetical or a personal experience. I want to back that up with some data. So there was research done by Qatar at Al, and I do my best because sometimes I completely botched the fucking names. And it defined breadcrumbing by five themes. So the first one is charm, leading on, in congruence, avoiding emotional investment and commitment uncertainty. The reason that breadcrumbing is so enticing it, because it keeps you interpreting instead of living. So every text becomes this puzzle that you need to solve, and you can't walk away from something you've spent so much mental energy trying to figure out. That also then comes into these different cognitive biases, right? We think of sun cost fallacy. I've already invested this much time. And here's the biggie thing, right? When we think about breadcrumbing, right? Someone giving you just enough to keep you on the hook, but not enough to satisfy your needs. Why is that so sexy and enticing? Because your brain is trained to close a loop. When your brain doesn't have a finality, when there is nothing to actually close it with, that's why people that are consistent and reciprocal and super secure and healthy can often feel boring. Because your nervous system doesn't have to figure out what they mean. And then when they have to figure out what they mean, that gives you dopamine. And that keeps you on this hook. So it's not really about them being so mysterious or so amazing or so incredible. They're just giving you just enough to keep you on the hook and hook, but not enough to satisfy your needs. And now you get to decide if that's enough for you. So the second thing that there is is strategic ambiguity. So let me just preface. Not everybody that breadcrums are gives the bare minimum is like super conscious and aware. There very much are people that are doing that because they're going through a lot. And I do actually have a story I've never shared with you guys that I'm going to share after I talk about strategic ambiguity. But then there are the people that are doing this, that do know exactly what the fuck they're doing. They know that you want more. They know that they're not ready for that. And it might not be conscious. It might not be that they're sitting there being like, okay, this person wants a relationship with me. I definitely don't want one with that. Like that's more fuck boy, I sure fuck girl behavior. But what I'm talking about is the people that are so disconnected from themselves. What else do you want them to give you? A quote I love. People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. What the fuck does that actually mean? People can't meet you in a place that they've not met themselves. So if somebody isn't being honest with themselves, if somebody isn't validating their own emotions and needs, if somebody isn't getting curious about their experience, how the fuck do you want them to show up for yours if they've never been taught how to even show up for themselves? And that's just a reality that we have to face that some people don't have it to give. But strategic ambiguity is deliberately keeping things undified so they maintain power and options. So there was a study done by Eisenberg at Oxford. And it showed that deliberately using vagueness to achieve specific objectives is something that they do to maintain flexibility and control. So when someone refuses to define things, again, let's go into what this literally looks like. Refuses to define things, right? I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm going with the flow. We'll see what happens. When someone won't answer your direct questions, they keep you guessing. They're not confused. They're maintaining control. Because ambiguity benefits the person who wants options. Clarity benefits the person who wants commitment. Which one are you? Are you the person that is trying to get commitment and clarity from this person? Are you the person that's saying, I'm not sure, I don't know. Let me just go with the flow. Because at the end of the day, it's not about why they won't give you that clarity. It's about what you are willing to allow and accept in your life. So here's a story time. I was 24. I think I was 23, 24. I was young. And I met this guy. I think, yeah, I was 24. I had a climb and I lived in the apartment in Brooklyn. And I met this guy on, like, hinge. Bumble, I don't know if I can know. It was an app. And he was stunningly beautiful. Like this was a gorgeous, gorgeous human being. And we went out to lunch. I remember my mom walked me to lunch because I was walking climb. And I was like, oh, yeah, if you want to just go. And we got there and he was outside. And so he met my mom briefly accidentally. And he was so charming and sweet. And I remember we had this fabulous date. And he was so lovely. And then, of course, he was texting me after how he can't stop thinking about me and how he wants all this stuff. And so we were texting nonstop. And then I think a couple of days later, we saw each other again. And my sister lived in the less village at the time. And so did he. And so I went to see my sister. And then I went to his house. And I'll never forget, like, feeling this inconsistency, right? Just like not really understanding what was going on. Like sometimes he'd be really, really into it. And then other moments, it was just like nothing. And I remember being at his house. And he had just moved. And he had a suitcase open. And he was being all cuddly and cute. And then like, I got up to his bathroom. And I looked down. And there was just an AA pamphlet. Which is fine. Like, I have nothing against it. And I looked down and I remember just keep walking. And I came back and he had flipped the suitcase. And there was a very big shift in him. A very big shift. And I don't know that he maybe didn't want me to know about his addiction. And that, which again, I don't judge anybody. Like, your journey is your journey. I just, I didn't know about it, right? And I never heard from him again. I remember I got ghosted. And I was so sad. And I was like, but it was so inconsistent. I don't understand why was he breadcrumbing me. And then like eight years later, you know, he just get the bug all of a sudden. I was like, what happened to that guy? And I do remember, I'm not going to say anything specific because I don't want it. I mean, you'll see then the story doesn't really matter. I guess at this point. But he had been part of a scandal, a very big scandal in college, like really massive, that kind of like ruined his life. And it was nothing against it. He didn't do anything. It was a essay situation. And on him, not that he did it to anybody else. And it was really, really tough. And when I even looked into it, I remember being like, oh, shit, like this poor guy. He was going through a lot. Like I can understand turning to perhaps having an addiction that I get. And when I googled him, I found his obituary. As you can imagine what happened. He couldn't live with it anymore. And so he decided to take things in his own hands. And I remember just sitting there and being like, oh, my God, holy shit, like my heart broke. broke because I was like, I wish I could have shown this person that that's not the way and that you're loved and that there are people that care about you, all the things, right? And it's not about me making it about me, but I remember just sitting there being like, you know what, you really don't know the battles that people are fighting. You don't know if somebody is depressed. You don't know if somebody is going through a hard time. You don't know maybe they're not texting you because they're overwhelmed or because their mental health isn't okay. And if we project our insecurities onto other people, they don't care about me. They don't think about me. No one loves me. I'm being used. And what we're doing is we're making it about us and we're not actually holding space for somebody else's lived experience. I'm not saying we excuse bad behavior if somebody is making a pattern of it, but sometimes there are moments where you may not have clarity because that person is going through something. And after a while, we have to allow other people to go through their thing and make choices for ourselves that that doesn't work for us if they're not letting us in their fucking life. The Aleminati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Our lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music, that hits on named after the color of lemons, nautical incidents. Big lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. Now lime comes first. Seven up. Flip the set. And so I wanted to share that story because it's one I hadn't, I hadn't shared it with you guys and I've been thinking back on my old dating days of like, holy shit, man, like I thought this guy was breadcrumbing me and all the while this guy couldn't even handle his own thoughts and what had happened to him. And that is well above my pay grade and that is not something I could help with. And sometimes that is it. That's why I wanted to show the difference. Patterns of behavior with somebody that is struggling with what's going on in their own life. I can walk away and say no, thank you. But patterns of behavior for somebody that is blatantly knowing what they're doing and intentionally trying to hurt you, that's a very different fucking story. So let's go into future faking. Future faking is something that a lot of people do and I don't even think that it's necessarily out of malice, but sometimes it can really fuck you up because then we get caught up on like, but in the beginning you said this and it's like, yeah, well, that's not what they actually were intending. And for some people in the moment, they genuinely do intend that. Some people really do mean it. Like I've heard this before, you guys are right in and it's like, yeah, that person said all these things. It's like, yeah, in the moment, maybe they really genuinely believed that and then they got home and they processed and they realized, maybe that's not what I want. I'm not saying it doesn't impact you, right? That's holding two conflicting thoughts. You're allowed to be sad and bummed and they're also allowed to make change their mind. But it depends on the extent, right? Again, that's where nuance comes into play and you guys always know I want to hold that space. So future faking is grand promises about your future together to keep you invested while with no follow through. So there was a study done in psychology today that was featured and so future faking is manipulation. It keeps you hooked by making promises you want to hear. So how do we spot somebody future faking? And again, maybe this person is just super anxious and wolly wants to like say all these things. But then when it happens, they freak out and go in words or make that disorganized. I'm not saying that it's out of malice. Sometimes it's narcissism, right? So that's why we have to be cognizant and careful because we don't always know the intent and that but at the end of the day, the impact is what matters and the intent does too to a certain extent. So how to spot it, plans, discuss, no steps taken, right? We should do this and we should go here and we should do this and I want to take you to do this. But yeah, none of it materializes, right? Promises used to end conflict or stop you from leaving, right? I won't I won't I won't change and I'll be different and I promise I won't do this and then they don't do it though, right? The timeline keeps shifting. The timeline keeps changing and all of a sudden, so you're going to do this in a month. Okay, we'll do it in five months. Okay, we'll do it in 10 months. You're not dating who they are. You're dating who they could be and potential is a powerful drug. You guys know my bestie Nicole neuroscience. She talks about this often that when we project how we would do things or what we project that under the people that is our dopamine system and that is our default mode network because what happens is when we go on autopilot, your brain's going, well, this is what I would do. Here's how I would handle it. Here's what I would do. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that's how everybody does. That doesn't mean that's how everybody handles things. So let's talk about what's happening in you because this is about shifting it back to us and not always understanding them and I think that's the missed opportunity. If you're so focused on why aren't they wanting me? Why don't they choose me? Why are they doing this and why aren't they changing? I need you to reframe to I don't like that they're doing that because at the end of the day, you're self abandoning to try to understand them. You think that this is just your anxiety. That's also avoidance because we don't then have to sit with what's coming up for us. You want to really get down to the fucking nitty-gritty of it, start to shift your narrative and start getting curious about what's coming up for you, baby, and stop focusing so much on them because they aren't losing sleep over what you're going through. So maybe we should start taking care of ourselves as if we fucking love ourselves enough in order to do so. Now, decision fatigue, cognitive overload, embarrassed decision making, and elevates fatigue. So when you're in this ambiguous relationship, that's why people are like, "Come on, I just want to have fun." It's like, "Oh, okay. Well, what's that doing? You're fucking mental health." If you're genuinely making that choice from a place of empowerment, you do, you, baby, I'll give a fuck. You can sleep with whoever you want. You can have the fun that you want. No one is telling you that you can or can't do that. The problem is when you do that and then you don't want to take accountability of your fucking actions, that you can go and be in the situation and have the casual shit. And then at the end of it, when you're crying and saying, "But why aren't they choosing me?" And I feel like shit and I feel like a shell of a human. Then we have to look at what we're allowing because it can't always be about what's happening to me. We have to look at how is this happening for me? How can I reshift the fucking narrative so I can be there for myself and I can take what I'm going through and learn from it? When you're in an ambiguous relationship, you're cognitively depleted because your brain is working overtime to interpret, to analyze, and to predict. It's exhausting. And exhausted people don't make as well of decisions. They stay in things they'd leave if they had clarity. So that's also the reality is that it's, my sister used to say, "We have enough time, right? Your brain's like a battery. You only have so much energy in a day where are you going to use it?" And if you're using all of this mental energy and real estate on trying to understand and understand and why are they doing it? You can't be surprised when you're left empty after because I know when I'm dysregulated and I'm really, really tired, I don't make the best decisions. Then we have the self-fulfilling prophecy. This is something I see a lot and it was a study done at Downey at Columbia. So people high in rejection sensitivity behave in ways that elicit rejection. Their expectations become reality. Let's talk about that because I know that I'm going to get yelled at for this. If you're sitting here seeing a pattern that you keep having all these people that are rejecting you and I don't understand and why are they saying them too much and they're all leaving me, we eventually have to look at our fucking behavior because that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you enter dating and all men are trash, all women are crazy, you can't be shocked when that's what you fucking go looking for because there's something called the salience network in your brain. That, if you go out looking for a red car, you're going to find a red car because your brain is now looking for that. And then what ends up happening, we project on to them, then we start acting in ways. We start over-texting, we do the protest behavior and guess what? If that person's actually secure, they get turned off. You know why they get turned off because of the behavior that we are exhibiting, that we are projecting onto them to try to make them the issue when sometimes it really is us that needs to take accountability. I'm not saying you're to blame or to add shame, but what I am saying is take radical acceptance of your fucking life if you want to see a change. Because the reality at the end of the fucking day is that's what changed my life. What changed my life was taking radical ownership and saying, "I'm doing this, I'm projecting onto them, I'm acting in ways that are not in alignment with who I want to be or the type of relationship that I want and I can't be shocked when these people are getting so turned off from it." Because the reality is love is not unconditional, love is very conditional in your adult relationships because you're not dating your mom or dad. And so it's not acceptable if someone starts to abuse or to talk to you in a disrespectful way, then no, I don't want you to stay no matter what. And we have to be realistic about that, that sometimes we are doing things that push people away. That's okay, you are not too much, but maybe your behavior is. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music, that hits on named after the color of lemons, nautical incidents. Think about it. Seven up. Flip this step. Then we go into something called the familiarity trap. So a lot of you guys had asked about this of like, "Why do I like this? Why do I receive it? Why am I sitting here not like it? But like, why do I keep doing this? If inconsistency was your norm growing up, then breadcrumbing doesn't feel alarming, it just feels like home. Because your system isn't wired to recognize it as a problem. It's wired to recognize it as love." That's why when I say your childhood shapes what you allow, what you believe, that's now our job. It wasn't your fault that you have these anxieties. It wasn't your fault that your parents attuned to you like that, but now it's our responsibility to work on it. Now, it's our responsibility to say, "I don't want to show up like this. I don't want to receive breadcrumbs anymore or the bare minimum. I deserve better." Now, what's the cost on your fucking mental health? Ambiguity itself, uncertainty about what's happening significantly, is associated with depression and poor mental health, according to the public health BMC survey that was done in 2024. So, it's not just the relationship hurting you. It's the not knowing. The ambiguity is fucking expensive. Because why that impacts your nervous system, that impacts your mental health, that impacts how you see yourself. So, let's get to some questions, right? You guys had asked some very specific questions, and sometimes I feel like it's just easier to fire this off and talk about that versus me going into the soul soliloquy. How do I know if it's breadcrumming or if they're legitimately busy? A busy person communicates about their capacity. "Hey, I'm slam this week, but I'd like to see you. How's next week?" They initiate when they have time. Their actions match their fucking words over time, and you feel considered even when they're unavailable. Because, baby, there's no one busier than someone that's not interested. Because now let's talk about breadcrumming. They're vague about when they'll be available. I'm busy. I'm busy. So, they're prioritizing everything over you. You're always the one initiating or following up. It's excuses, but no solutions, and you feel anxious, not considered because this person isn't making space for you. Busy people make you feel like a priority, they can't get to yet. breadcrumbers make you feel like an option, they're keeping warm, which one are you choosing? So you want to know how to tell the difference? Does their unavailability come with a plan or just an excuse? I am wildly swamped. I will tell you those, baby, when I'm really swamped and I'm not interested in doing something with somebody, I'll just say, "Hey, I'm booked up for the next few weeks. I'll have to touch base with you." Because like, here's the reality. And like, let's take our, let's take the gloves off for just a second. And you tell, I want you to take fucking stock of your own goddamn life. How often are you telling people the 100% truth? Once the last time you told someone, "I'm not interested in hanging out with you. I'd rather not think so much." We don't, right? Because that hurts people's feelings and we don't want to be the asshole. So we'll say, "I'm busy or I'm doing stuff." I don't necessarily always assume that that's that person's being mean. Sometimes I look and go, "You know what, they're just not interested." I've had that. I've had friends. I've had new friends, old friends, people that do that. I have one, and he kept telling me, I'll let you know, I let you know, eventually I stopped contacting them. It's been two months, I haven't heard from him. Don't worry. I got the hint. That's okay. I'm friends with his girlfriend, and she even said she's like, "You know, he loves you, right? He's just all over the place." I'm like, "I don't take it personally. I'm not a priority to this person." That's okay. That doesn't mean that they don't care about me or that I don't matter to them, but then I don't need to project my insecurities onto them. It's just being honest. Again, I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, right? Those are told into conflicting thoughts. If somebody constantly tells you these excuses, "Of course, it's going to hurt." That feels like shit, but that doesn't mean we need to internalize it. How do we not confuse bare minimum and genuine effort? The bare minimum is doing just enough to keep you from leaving. Genuine effort is doing what it takes to build something. So I want you to start asking yourself, "Are they meeting the baseline or building beyond it? Do they only show up when you pull away? And is this effort consistent or reactive? Because genuine effort doesn't require a threat to fucking show up or that you're going to leave or that you're done. If someone only tries harder when you're about to leave, that's just damage control because they're terrified of losing the idea of you and the comfort and what you offer. It's not actually about you because you know what would be about you? Change behavior." That's what I will fucking accept when somebody consistently just gives me words. If you're not actually trying to change what you're doing, that means nothing to me. So another question. Someone says, "When they say I need to take it slow, how do I define slow?" So I also have the going slow course if you guys want. That's evergreen. You can take it any time and it gives you all the tools. It gives you the questions. It gives you everything. This is a very quick synopsis of what you would get in five weeks in about 10 seconds. So if you like this, go find it more link and buy it. So healthy dating is clear about what slow means for them. I want to wait before becoming exclusive. I don't want to rush into things. I need to get to know you, right? When I first met Ryan, what did I consistently say to him? I need more vulnerability. I don't really know these parts of you and he's done everything he can to know show up like that because we were going slow and still art, right? We're still going, so I had somebody fucking bitchy comment to me. I'm like, wow, three years not married. Red flag. It's like, no, actually, maybe I'm taking the time because I genuinely want to make sure if I involve the motherfucking government that this is something I genuinely I'm ready for and want and desire. And this is the right person for me. What's the rush? Getting married isn't the end all be all. If that's all you're doing this for, then you're not actually there for the person or the connection. You're just there for what it means about you. And I'm here to make sure that this is right for me because I've rushed into it. I've been with the wrong person. I have done that. I'm no longer interested in it. They are still consistent in communication and effort. Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. They're moving it forward. It's just at a measured pace. You're not meeting the friends, the family. You're not doing all the texting all the time, all the time. And you feel secure even if things aren't official because you know. I even had my client yesterday and I said, do you worry about where you guys standing goes, oh, not at all. I know that she cares about me. I'm not worried about that. Like, going slow doesn't bother me because I know that we're both really intentional and that we communicate really well. Right? Isn't that beautiful? So somebody who is not actually taking it slow will be vague about what slow means or when it ends. Again, I've had people write in of like, oh, I told this person, I just want to go slow. Nine months later, they broke off with me because they said that it wasn't moving forward. And it's like, yeah, because you weren't being intentional. You kept saying, I want to go with the flow. Let's see what happens. It's like, but that's not intentionality. And if you're cool with it, that's fine. Right? If that works for you, but to me, that's the bare minimum. They're inconsistent effort alongside the slow label, right? That's where I say it's not an excuse for bad behavior. Somebody not calling your texting you for seven days is not okay. Right? Like, that's not appropriate. Someone that sees you once a month, right? That's the bare minimum. And to me, not even. No forward momentum. It's just stalling. And again, you feel anxious and confused more often than not. And this is becoming from a place where when you challenge it, you're like, I still don't have clarity. Slow is a pace. Stalling is a tactic. So if slow has been the answer for months with no clarity, that's just them avoiding. That's the end of it. Next time somebody says they want to go slow. Here's what I'd like you to say back. I respect wanting to go slow. But can you help me understand what that looks like for you? Like, what do you need to happen for things to move forward? That was the conversation me and Ryan had. I didn't just say, I don't want a relationship or I want to go slow. I gave a very clear rubric as to what I needed in order for my nervous system to feel comfortable to make that choice. So stop accepting somebody that just says they want to go with the flow because they're kicking the can, baby. They're not actually being intentional. And you deserve better than that. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hits on named after the color of lemons. Not a coincidence. Think about it. But now seven up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Seven up. Flip the sip. All right. This was a question that we all know I'm probably going to get a my soap box to say. How long should I wait for someone who's not emotionally ready? You want to know the honest answer? There's no universal timeline. But I will say here are some markers because you're waiting for someone to be ready. And now I want you to ask some questions for yourself. Am I waiting based on their actions or their potential? Have I communicated what I need? What happened? Am I sacrificing my own well-being to stay in this holding pattern? And is there evidence of them working on their readiness? Or is it just talk? Because I could sit here and give you excuses all day and kick the can and kick the can because for some people they don't want to deal with the commitment or having to deal with your emotions and family. So they just kick the can to try to get more time before they actually commit to you. And there was research, right? That shows this IFS found that prolonged ambiguity. Staying stuck in what are we led to anxiety, depression, and feeling used in all participants studied, all participants. Every single fucking one of them. Waiting for someone is generous, right? We don't need to wait for somebody. I'm not waiting for you to decide that I'm the person for you. You have to make that determination, otherwise I walk. But waiting indefinitely while your mental health erodes is self-abandonment. You can care about someone and still decide the cost of waiting is too fucking high. So I know sex in the city, right? With Richard and with Smith, I didn't really shoot it with both. I love you, but I love me more. Right? So now let's the framework set an internal timeline. This isn't an ultimatum that you announce. This is something for you to say, okay, I'm going to give this another month. If I don't see progress or momentum, I'm going to move on. Check. Is there movement or is this just a promise of movement? They just keep telling you that they're going to do all this stuff, but yet here they are still not going to therapy, still not doing what they need to do or still not making the changes or working on their behavior, right? If nothing changes, you make your own decision. You don't wait for them to fucking make it for you. You get to make choices, baby. And here's a thing. I know they're not comfortable, but do you deserve more than the bare minimum bread crumbs? You tell me, I know you do, but I need you to decide that. So to somebody else, what do I actually say when I realize I'm being breadcrumbs? So we've got a couple of options. Here are two texts that you can send to somebody that is breadcrumming you. One is direct and clear. The other one, you can also just disengage if they're really breadcrumming you that much. Hey, I've noticed there's a gap between what you say and what actually happens. I need consistency not just words. Is that something that you can offer? The second one. Set your own battery without demanding change. I really like you, but I need more than what's happening here. So I'm going to take a step back unless that shifts. Or sometimes you don't need to explain. You can just stop responding to crumbs. That's the three options. You don't owe someone a speech about why you're leaving. It's the same Mike fucking God. Welcome to the internet, right? This isn't an airport. You don't have to announce your departure. Not every breadcrummer deserves a conversation. Some just deserve you to fucking move on with your life because they're not trying to keep you in it. And again, it's the same with like people leaving reviews and comments of like, I'm unfollowing. I'm leaving. I'm boycotting. And you're like, that's so performative. You're doing that so that you can feel better about yourself. That's not actually because you know what? The average person just moves on with their life, right? I could. I would be mortified to like leave comments like that on people of like, I'm done and I'm leaving. And I don't I would be mortified to like wildly have this argument with people that I don't even know if they're real. I move on with my life. I just I stop wasting that energy. I want you to take a second. Take some stock. Think back on the last five people. If you have that many, they were breadcrumming you that you made this old declaration in the texting. How that fucking ed? Do you think it changed who they were? Do you think that they woke up going, oh my god, now I need to be a better person? No. They probably deleted it and moved on with their fucking life. Meanwhile, you're sitting in therapy trying to understand why they didn't answer. Why they were mean or why they were this? Because yourself abandoning trying to understand them. Instead of trying to understand why they breadcrum, you I'd like you to start getting curious about what makes that feel familiar for you to allow it. All right, let's talk about breaking the cycle. We got two tools this week, baby. So the first step, I want you to name what's happening. Stop analyzing their behavior. Start naming the tactic, right? This is breadcrumming. This is intermittent attention. This is designed to keep me invested without committing. This is strategic ambiguity. They're benefiting from my confusion. This is future faking. They're promises with no action. When you name it to tame it, you stop trying to decode it because decoding keeps it stuck. Naming it is what helps you close the loop. Your brain's like, oh, okay, I know what it is, right? I've had clients start with me and they'll be on sessions and we'll go and I'm like, okay, so I just told you everything about why this person does this. Do you feel any better? Usually they say no. It's like exactly because that's not what it was about. It's not about that. Our brain is trying to clear and understand and understand and understand, but at the end of the day, we have to understand ourselves, not just everybody else. I mean, you can of course, you're a human, right? You might want to understand what's going on, but like to a certain extent. The second thing, stop interpreting and start observing. I want you to track facts, not feelings. What they said versus what they did, that's it. Your job is not to figure out what they meant. Your job is to notice what they do. Third step, protect your cognitive resources, baby. Ambiguity's expensive clarity is free and allows you to get what you want or need, set a timeline. Again, it's not an ultimatum, but if I don't have clarity in X weeks, right, I'm making my own decision. Not in seven years. Stop the mental loops. I've analyzed this enough. More thinking won't give me a new information. I'm hurt right now. I'm in pain. That's what I want to look at. I'm feeling this. I'm feeling like this. What are the thoughts and the narratives? What do you feel? And then start to challenge them. Right, we have to reduce the cognitive load. Write down what's actually happened, facts only. This person didn't call me when they said they didn't make the plans. They haven't shown up for me. Notice how I didn't say they don't care about me. They don't like me. I'm not good enough. That's us filling in the blanks of their behavior with our core beliefs. And then step four, I want you to recognize your patterns. I want you to start to ask yourself, does inconsistency feel familiar? Where did I learn this from? Where did I learn that this was normal? Oh, I can't wait for you guys to read the book. So much more into this. Do I expect rejection? Am I behaving in ways that create it? That's what we were talking about in the beginning. Am I doing things that are actually end up causing people to feel less connected to me because of how I'm also showing up? Again, I'm not, notice how I'm not saying it's your fault? But I am saying it's how we are showing up. Am I staying because I want to or because I've invested too much to leave sun-cost fallacy? And then the step five, rebuilding standards through action. Standards aren't what you say you want, they're what you accept. You don't raise the bar by deciding you deserve better. You raise the bar walking away from less. You raise the bar because you tell your nervous system, I deserve better than this bullshit and I'm not willing to accept it. You raise the bar by stopping from this bullshit, by stopping these people in your life, by saying, I'm done with this. That's always been how I changed my life when I walked away from the guy right before Ryan. He wasn't showing up for me. He was breadcrumbs. He was giving me just enough to keep me on the hook and I was like, I'm done with this. I'm not doing this. You're giving me a little bit, a little bit, a little bit and I was like, and I deserve a lot of it. And I got that. And guys, just so you know, I have to say, I mean, tech, I do really fucking well. I know. I'm excited. It's really nice to share that. We found a new therapist who's been just amazing. And like I hope that this is the sign for you guys, like, please don't give up on yourself. Please don't give up yourself on the work that you're doing. Or if you connect with people that may have a little bit of work to do, if they're willing to do it, that's the thing. I don't want you to force people and it's not about I need to get them to therapy or they're not willing. You know, if he came to me and said, this is too overwhelming, I can't do it. I'd be like, okay, no worries. Like then we're just not. We're not compatible. But we both have the bandwidth and I'm feeling really good about, you know, maybe having something on my figure soon. I know. We'll see. You guys will be the first to know. I promise. Okay. Let's go to the 12th week. The ambiguity on it. For one week, I want you to track the situation, what they said, what they did and my interpreting or observing and how much mental energy did this cost me. So here's an example. They said, let's hang out soon. They said Tuesday, but there was no follow up by Friday. I'm interpreting, I'm making excuses, I'm feeling that anxiety at tie, I checked my phone 20 times. Right? Do you notice how those are facts? Maybe they said, I really like you. They said it twice. They canceled plans once, no initiation. I'm observing, right? Facts don't match words at tie. I've been ruminating for hours. Maybe they set a plan for Saturday. They confirmed day up. They showed up on time, observing words matched actions. I've low. I felt really easy. After one week, I want you to ask, how many hours did I spend interpreting versus observing? Get real. Get honest. Words matched their actions. And what's the cost of this ambiguity on my mental energy? Because if you're spending more time analyzing the relationship than enjoying it, that's data and that's your fucking answer. And I have been there where you assemble the group chat, you send it to everyone of your fucking friends, you're trying to understand them, but you're not living it. You're not in it. You're not feeling the support. You're not feeling that love. And we have to release dirt to break that because maybe only you get to make that choice. I know that there are a lot of shitty people out there. There are a lot of people that don't want to do the work. There are a lot of people that claim that they are and not are actually doing it. But what we have to look for is our words and actions aligning and if they are, how does that make you feel? Bread coming works because your brain is wired for a connection and it really wants that. Future faking works because wanting love isn't a weakness and strategic ambiguity works because uncertainty is expensive and most people will accept a bad answer over no answer. You're not broken for falling for this, you're fucking human. But I want you to remember the person who benefits from your confusion is not the only one who deserves your commitment. They are not the person that does clarity is not too much to ask for consistency is not too much to accept. Stop accepting bread comes baby. Not because you're supposed to have high standards but because you've seen what ambiguity costs you and you're done paying that fucking price. I am tired of hearing you guys going through these situations and wondering what your power is. You have a lot of power. You have that control for you, baby. That doesn't mean that you're going to meet these people and that's okay. I'm not saying that because you stop this that all of a sudden you're going to walk to the grocery store and there's the love of your life. But what I am saying is you'll save yourself a lot of mental real estate and energy. You will. You'll save yourself a lot of anxiety and processing and time and all that when you just say, "Eh, this doesn't work for me. I don't need to understand why they're doing it. What I do need to know is why am I allowing it and what's coming up for me." Of course, like I said, you're a human and please don't forget that, that you're going to have these human experiences, but I want to give you guys a little bit more to be able to go out there and feel like, okay, I am going to be clear because here's the beauty. And someone's breadcrumming you or bare minimum or all that stuff. Have a conversation and then you'll see their true intentions because you'll either get what you want, which is them or what you need, which is clarity because you'll see how they act. That's a win-win. You're allowed to be sad with whatever comes there that makes you fucking human. Friends, thank you for sitting with me for another week. I am really trying. Guys, leave it in the comments if you want specific episodes. I'm trying to think of things that we haven't covered, but it's really difficult, right? The show's three years old now. We've covered a lot. There's only so many things to talk about dating and relationships without it getting repetitive, but if there's something, if you've listened to all the episodes and you're like, hey, so are you really haven't covered this? I'm open, baby. Let's hear it and maybe add it for in the trenches. Guys, don't forget to rate and review the show. Please please leave a comment if you haven't already. Put it in your Facebook groups and just thank you for being here. If you guys want more, there is the going slow course or the dating foundation course. You could work one on one, ask a question. You could join Add Free and you can also slow down the speed if that doesn't work for you. If you want, please know you have choices. Thank you guys for being here and until next week, my baby's. Coca-Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall, peacemakers, risk takers, for the optimists, pessimists, for long distance love, for introverts, and extroverts, the thinkers, and the doers. For old friends and new, Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl wine. Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. Taylor Hanson? Nice. Try one. Mmm. There's nothing like it.