Bread of heaven - podcast for BBC The Archers

Love this podcast? Support this show through the supporter feature from ACAST. It's up to you how much you give and there's no regular commitment. Just hit the link in the show description to support now. Oh, sorry I was on my netball whatsapp group actually. I forgot I was supposed to be even in the script. It was another like somebody shouting. What were they moaning about on the netball whatsapp group I want to know now? Because it's something to do with the website doesn't tally with the what's written on the website doesn't tally with some other table that they will have access to which I don't have access to. So then they all want to change the times of matches. Harriet you probably did have access to it. You just never logged in and registered for it when they told you to so no. I just wait for them to have a bite about it. I've never been able to get that to work. Which means I never bothered even opening it. Actually I'm roped in as team manager and I help saying exactly Lucy. Yes. And I keep saying I am the but no, obviously no one else wants to be team manager. You have to be on the team manager whatsapp group. Yes. It's awful. Welcome to awful Lucy. They should do a netball team and oh they got cricket. It's like it's like being on the it's like basically I am Linda in the cricket team. But oh my God. I know. And it makes you turn into a not so very nice person. Welcome to average on the couch and in depth look at the arches with me. Because you know whatsapp when you're like trying to get people. You sound like you're being bossy but all you need to know is can you play or not. Yeah. Yeah. And then they apologise and you say I don't care I just want to know. You don't need to tell me that your aunt's dying and that's why you can't go. Exactly. Or but you know you've had a bit of a week of it. Just tell me. Yes. They made me team manager. Yeah. I want to be the one just just saying yes or no in the poll. Yeah. I don't want to be me I'm making polls. I is. It's just so it's so. You're me in the WI. You're called Lucy. That must be way worse up to say. Welcome to average on the couch and in depth look at the arches. It's making me stressed and tired. Jeff Thomas. Lucy Freeman. James Everett and Matt Rodriguez Payne. My jaws started aching which I know is a sign of stress. Now before we make a start on your emails let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambron. We began the week with Carly flirting like mad with Chris Carter in the bull urged on by Jolene who told her he was a whopper. Well I'm not quite sure how she knows but it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if Jolene had some sort of chart behind the bar. Over at the cramped hellhole Tom was trailing round after Henry begging him to watch films with him. Tom needs to have a serious word with himself and possibly get a hobby if his idea of a big night is pleading with a 13 year old. Natasha has taken herself away apparently for what Helen euphemistically referred to as a self-care night which presumably meant the buzzing made the reception of the TV go funny. There was quite a lot of drunk acting which is pretty successful by and large but I'd imagined they were nowhere near as drunk as Dane who thought he was going on a date with Helen and then Tom turned up. I'd have been working my way through the optics from quarter past eight onwards. Henry is my spirit annual. Rather than a week of enforced fun with a bossy vegan and mogadon in human form and his mother he plumped for a week at home on his own. Well done Henry. I even forgave him his somewhat irritating bants about Tom and Helen's hangovers. Susan has been conned by Georgie yet again and has awarded him a volunteer role at the shop. We sadly didn't hear the horrified gasps when Susan suggested it to the volunteer committee but she still rolled it through in her efforts to make her peace with Georgie. Safe to say it didn't go brilliantly. His first customer, Mick, couldn't even bring himself to use words when he spoke to George and restricted himself to making strange noises. Although George is so bloody rude to her I am team Neil all the way and he deserves all the disapprobation. Sorry, that's wrong. Sorry, yes. George is so bloody rude to Susan I am team Neil all the way and he deserves all the disapprobation everyone's throwing at him. All that is except Helen and Tom who decided to offer him the job of covering at Bridge Farm despite the fact that he can't drive a tractor and everyone hates him. They got Alice's thumbs up and then abruptly changed their minds seemingly telepathically and decided to opt for Mick who was a security guard and knows nothing about farming. Helen helpfully pointed out that putting vegetables in a box wasn't specialist work but Mick was more interested in what he referred to as 'bum fire night' for which Georgie is making more of those bloody filled Yorkshes. The woman's obsessed, someone get that whisk off her. Mick did vegetableing for a whole hour and then decided it was boring. What is the 11? Also, I'd say walking around a half empty hotel in the vain hope someone was going to take two tea bags instead of one was fairly boring. And Chris's fireworks night went with a bang when he took part in a public information warning about being safe around fireworks when he nearly took out his daughter, ex-girlfriend and next door's fence, followed by a little firecracker time of his own with Carly. Interestingly, if the same thing had happened to Alice, i.e. the wind changing and the firework going off, there would have been hell to pay and she'd probably be sitting in custody now. We suddenly remembered Chris was a blacksmith when there was some teeming and Alice burst in like an adenoidal whirlwind, chuntering on about a scarf so while he had a hot thing near him to fend her off with, Chris told her about Carly. Esme was all over the shop at the crematorium and said she didn't know why people thought black was gloomy. Probably because it's associated with funerals, your Wally. She decided now would be the ideal time to improvise a speech, like a funeral was an open mic night. It did descend somewhat into fast when a delivery man walked past the hearse, the funeral cars and the pool bearers outside and walked into the church with 300 wholemeal baps. David and Ruth popped in to see Esme afterwards and it turns out that their idea of a gentle reassuring visit is to bang like mad on the front door, ignore the fact that Esme was on the phone and then let themselves in and start shouting. I thought something was on fire. Esme has madly decided to keep the farm on as a going concern despite the fact that they're collapsing left, right and centre all over the place, but no doubt somehow she will magically turn this into a thriving business, diversifying into an artisanal bowling alley or something. And at some point, please God, someone will realise that Esme has absolutely no beef whatsoever with George Grandi and in fact doesn't even know he exists and that therefore can hire him, thus getting him out of bed and Susan won't have to leave the shop. Failing that, there's probably a bread delivery job going begging very shortly, the end. Oh, I found Esme really annoying. You've switched to team Carly now, haven't you? You're loving Carly. I love Carly. I am, I'm sorry. I know it's not a competition, but I just found out what I liked about Carly was she, she's just happy to flirt. She's, I liked her honesty. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I like her and Chris not, not fanning around. Yeah. And just, and just going, I really fancy you. I fancy you too. Shall we spend the night together? Yeah. All that. And I really liked all that. And there was none of that coiness. No, exactly. Sometimes we get that makes us, I think it makes both of our skin crawl slightly. There's no, exactly, exactly. There was no like, it was, it didn't turn into a sort of 1950s melodrama. Yeah. And also I liked, I love that they were childhood lovers or teenage, and you know, it's that thing, isn't it? Of course, you know, you meet 20 years later, you're like, yeah, let's do this. Because you've got that kind of intimacy shortcut, haven't you? Yeah. And I really thought it was funny when Alice went, oh, yeah, and you only stayed, you only stayed together with her to annoy Susan, didn't you? Chris was like, no, I didn't. I just thought all of that was really clever. And it was lovely. It was beautifully written this week. It was Sean McKenna. Sean McKenna again. I noticed that. Because I checked the writing. He's rapidly rising up to the top of my charts, I have to say. Well, he's, he writes a bit like Katie, doesn't he? Sort of. Yeah. I feel like it's all quite natural. Yeah. And less, less sort of drama-y maybe. Yeah. But I really, I really, I loved the Carly and Chrissy. Well, so it's just the acting as well, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, let's face it. They're all amazing actors. But I thought that was all really funny and no, really cute, actually. And all the sort of metaphor of sparks flying and all that was quite well done. Oh, I never saw that. Yes, you're right. Gosh. Yeah. I mean, I think she even said sparks were flying or something like that. But I liked that. But no, poor old, I feel sorry for the character of Esme because she has a, I don't, you find her, because her neediness is annoying, I think. Like, also, I was, I was thinking, why have we got, and this is another episode of a funeral that we don't know the, we don't know the person that's died. We don't, I don't personally, I know it's rude, but I don't care. I don't know. I just didn't feel any connection, any sadness, any anything. Yeah. I said, why are we dedicating the whole funeral to someone we don't know again? And then the bread delivery was funny. It was great comic relief and the, you know, and bringing the shop in and, and I thought that was great. And then Esme was all a bit of a diva about it. When, when quite frankly, it's funny and the funny things happen at funerals, it's lovely relief for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. That's my rant over. And also the bread delivery man wouldn't have come in, he would have come in shouting and then got, oh my God, and just left. Yeah. He wouldn't have stood there continuing to have a Barney, David, Alan, and everyone else that he, that happened to sort of stroll up and have a chat. David was so rude to him. And if I was a bread delivery man, I would have been like, yeah, it's not my fault. You've put a shop in your church and nobody told me. I'm so sorry. I didn't get the funeral invitation so that I would have known. But, but, you know, he did walk past a hearse, a line of black cars, all the Paul bearers in waistcoats and things outside. It would, it would, I think he would have given me pause for thought thinking, I'm just about to walk into here with 200 baguettes. Is, does that feel appropriate? He's just thinking, I've got a minute 30 to deliver these before I get to my next station. So I thought David was so horrible. And it's like, David and Ruth have become Esme's parents and there's something a tiny bit creepy about it. Would they clearly prefer her wildly to their own children, don't they? They're like, well, that's not, we're a disaster. Let's, let's borrow someone else's. Yeah. There's something about, no, it's Esme's very sweet. And then did you notice there was a reference to her, her, her roots today? No, no, she, I think this was deliberate when she said, um, oh, his cousins from Barnsley are coming. Right. So the cousins are from Barnsley, which I think makes us believe that Mulligan's from Barnsley. And therefore there's maybe a two strands of. Okay. Accent going on. Don't you think that was deliberate? Yeah. But the accent's not anywhere near. It's the other side of the country. But I think maybe it's like a mashup of Barnsley. It's not. It's nowhere near. It's completely West. It's Cornwall, Devon, Somerset. Well, anyway, I was just, I thought that was a good little explanation in there for us. And I know you're being very Pollyanna about it. I was thankful for it. Yes. Well, well, good. And I'm looking forward to it. I'm always thankful for everything. Well done. I'm looking forward to the Esme, George, Josh, Love Triangle. Yes. That's what we're heading for, isn't it? Yeah. Esme, she is a bit of a damsel in distress. She, she, yeah, I imagine her with very long eyelashes and long hair. Yes. Yes. Very pretty. Yes. A bit breathy. Yeah. Bit wavy. She needs to be rescued. Oh, Georgie, you're so strong. Yeah. I'm so glad. What would I do without you? It's going to be good. Yeah. It's going to be good. Yeah. She's total Thomas Hardy heroine. She really is. Not one of those ones that ends up in a ditch or drowned or something, but you know, one of those kind of ones that ends up marrying, she'll end up marrying Oliver and running the village. People want to help her. Yeah. But she's super nice. Well, I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Maybe it's just my beautiful blue eyes and my long flowing blonde hair. Because I think Amber is going to head off quite soon. Because why would they have bought two new, so they've bought in the Mulligan farm presumably to give George somewhere to work. Yeah. As well as everything else. Because they must still, we still don't know about the inheritance. You know, like we still don't, I feel like we are owed what was in the will. Well, there's nothing in the will because she said there's all the red bills. So everything in the will is just going to be paying off all the debts. She said about, she's found boxes of. Oh, so when she said, I found another box. Yeah. No, she said it's all full of red bills. She said, yeah, it's just, she said, I'm just opening all these envelopes full of red bills. I miss her and I thought it said, she said it was a ready meal. And I was like, oh my God. And it's another, it's another indication of how alone this poor guy was that he would just have ready meals all around the house and what they're clearing up. Genuinely, that's what I heard. Okay. That makes more sense if it was another bill. It's like this week, we both listened with one ear between us really. So you listen with one ear and I listen with one ear and together we've made half what actually happened. Still sort of makes sense. Yeah. So the will is out of it. There is no, well, there is a will. There's no money. There's nothing there. Okay, fine. I'm still not entirely convinced that was a proper will saved in a Word document. But anyway, there we are. There's no solicitor involved. No, it's definitely not legal. I found a list written on the back of a receipt. It said, I give everything to Esme, love from dead dad. Yes. I really enjoyed this week. What did you think of the drunken acting? I loved it. And that was another thing I thought was well written and really acted. I thought it was an absolutely superb piece of drunken acting. Yeah. Because they really committed to it. Yes. And it was, and it was funny. And you could tell they were genuinely making each other laugh. It's the, it's the laughing. That's the, and it's such a nice relief as well to hear, especially to hear someone like Helen and Tom, you know, actually become loose. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was really funny. And yeah, that's what, that's, and because it started off the week, it just sort of started on a really positive track. Yeah. Yeah. Steve Parrott disagrees. He said about a million years ago, I remember Harriet saying her mob drama school were asked to act being drunk. She reckoned it was really hard. After Tom and Helen's performance on Sunday, I can understand why. I thought it was good. I thought it was a lot worse, a lot worse on the arches. Well, they didn't act drunk. They acted like people trying not to be drunk. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, and even stuff like, you know, God, I do all the time when Helen was like, darling, oh, I love you, my darling, baby, baby, baby. Yeah. Get it off. Yeah. You become loving and emotional. Yeah. And also his, his superiority at that drunkenness as well. Yes. It was funny. Yeah. I like Henry. Steve Parrott also says, can we get rid of toxic Mick? Yeah. He's, I don't like me. I've never liked me. No. Actually, there's something, I don't know. Even, I was weird when he was said, because I think you would just say if you didn't enjoy your experience doing work experience with Tom or whatever, you'd just go, do you know what, my back's hurting. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I'm gonna, you wouldn't go, oh, it's boring. Yeah. Because as you said, he sounded like a kid. Yeah. It's isn't as much, packing leaks isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. And also, doesn't it, he has a full-time job. Yeah. Yeah. It was odd. Yeah. Because as, I wonder if the scene got cut where Tom bumped into Mick and said, can you help? Because it did go from like, we're going to hire George to suddenly Mick was there doing unpacking boxes. It was, well, no, there was, no, there was a scene, wasn't there? Because they, was that he, he turned up at the farm and they were having a conversation because he said he was annoyed. He said who in their right mind would hire George Grundy and that was what put the idea into their heads. Oh, okay. Well, hopefully, I mean, I do, oh, it is very really difficult because I do think George deserves a second chance. And I do think the village is being vile. You can't, you can't let a terrible decision, everyone's dickheads when they're in their early twenties. If anyone wasn't, then, you know, and he didn't, he didn't murder anyone. No, but he could have done that. And he nearly let someone, yeah, he nearly let someone go to prison on his behalf, which is a sign of weak character more than anything. And, you know, the point of going to prison is that you're supposed to come out and be rehabilitated. Yeah. You, if you don't get a second chance with your grandmother, for God, you know, like, yeah, I was really cross with the committee for being so, so un, and also ungodly. Yeah, uncharitable. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, everybody deserves a second, a second chance and give him the chance if it doesn't work out. But that's why Esme's perfect because he has no history. She doesn't know anything about him. Yeah. He doesn't have to justify himself. He doesn't go through all, have to go through all that weadling that is doing with everybody else. Yeah. Yeah. He can just strong lad. Yeah. Yeah. It's a big strong boy. Big strong. Big strong boy. Yes. Right. Oh, yes. Steve says, I'm not going to be the only one to suggest that Esme's little helper is going to be George. Am I? No, you are not, Steve. We are all funky. Yes. Yes. Greg said, I can happily live with all sorts of plotical dialogue, but Helen Archer, liking Bill and Ted, if she hadn't dragged Tom out on her date, I'd have almost thought she'd had a personality transplant. But the two of them drunkenly bonding was lovely. Yeah. Fantastic chemistry between Louisa Patikas and William Trouton and Wonderfiel to hear two of the more difficult to love characters in a moment of shared levity. And Louise Brealy playing Carly Warakoo. Yes. Yeah. Totally agree. Greg. She's because she's got good. What's good about her as well? She sounds different to the other girls because she's got fascinating intonation. Well, she's also got she keeps hold. It's not, you know, like if I was in the arches, we all know it will happen one day guys. But we all know that I would just be like giving it all the energy because that's the sort of, you know, that's what I do. But I like the fact that she holds it back. Yeah. So it makes her sound quite normal and natural. Yeah. She's not she's not giving too much. Is she when she's she's just very natural and quite low key. She runs with Brenda. Yeah. She's got quite laconic delivery. Yeah. Which is nice. And it is especially in that lot where they all like not Neil, but Susan and Susan and Alice are quite. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Do you know what? Hang on. There is somebody trying to make sandwiches quietly in the kitchen. Who is in the kitchen? Lucy's got a house full of lads. You sure it's not a ghost? Who is it? It's a ghost. It's a water pixie come from the waterfall. Lucy had to shut the door because her waterfall that's in her house is so loud. You don't have to be quiet whoever's in the kitchen. You can just make your sandwiches, you know. Hang on a sec. I'm going to go and see who it is. Okay. All right. Tell me who it is. I'll keep our listeners entertained. Yeah, it's been a tough wake up to say. I was particularly put out by Veronica Chubbily-Doodardos. That woman. I outweigh a bit more from her. And to be honest, I think it's a character that Harriet Carmichael could play if she stops being silent. It was William trying to unwrap a bread wrapper incredibly quietly because I told him not to make a noise. So he was doing it so hesitantly. Then he didn't answer you. No, I know. He just ran off then. He went into the kitchen. Right. Now this is from Simon. How many lads have you got in your house, Lucy? Two lads, two girls. Oh, cute. They're lovely. They're so nice. Sweet. Right. This is from Simon, who says, "I can't be the only one to have alarm bells ringing at the thought of chilly heading towards a Carter mush. Is the Carter chilly heat wave a genetic thing or merely a marriage custom worked out back when we only had four channels and had to make our own entertainment? How far from the tree has the apple fallen in this regard? No doubt all of this will be answered in time for your next show on Sunday." This was the, when she asked for chilly on her, when Carly and Chris got together, she said she wanted chilly on the chips. I wonder if that was a bit of a nod. Yes, I didn't even cock that. I didn't. This was going to be it, but then we were subjected to Helen's drunken laughter. Perhaps listeners with better memories can comment on whether this chilling joyousness is a first. At first, or merely a rarity, Helen laughing was far more sinister than anything that went on between her and nasty Rob. No. We moaned when she's grumpy. We moaned when she's happy. He just can't, can't win. It was joyful, joyful. Oh, now this is a fact corner. Fact file, fact file. Fact file. Yeah. I apologize. It's, this is a Gaelic name and I have no idea how to pronounce it, but it's A-O-N-G-H-A-S. And I don't know how to say that, so can you please message us? Angus. Is it? A-O-N-G-H-A-S. A-O-N-G-H-A-S. It could be, because sometimes people just make up names, so it could be. Yeah. Well, it could be like an Angus. Yes. Well, whatever the person is, they're very, very brilliantly written in and said that about Meadow Farm suddenly appearing Mulligan's farm. Yeah. Yeah. Until 1979, Meadow Farm was owned by Albert Gibbs, who was a speaking character, played by Graham Rigby. He was a misery and a loner. One of his main storylines involved electrocuting the vicar. He sold up in 1979 and Phil Archer bought 30 acres of him. That was the last we heard of it. And then the recently deceased Mulligan took over in the mid 1990s. But if they were tenants, the owner seems to be unknown and they could be pretending Gibbs never existed. So that's the background to Meadow Farm. Yes. That's interesting. So we don't know who actually owns it? No, because also, and if Esme doesn't own it, then it's not really up to her, is it? Where the... No, she's a tenant, so she can stay on. She can keep it... Presumably, she'd have to have been in contact with the owner, I'd say, by the way, my dad's dead. Yes. Do you want to come to the funeral? Yeah. Don't wear black. Don't bring bread. We've got loads of bread. Mind you, if they'd been quick on their thinking caps, because she hadn't organised a wake, I'd have said, bring that in here, someone go to the shop and get some ham from George, and then we'll just quickly make some sandwiches. Because you could see, the trouble is, she's like, and we're going to go to the pub, to the bull now, and everyone will expect sandwiches. And there won't be any, and they'll be disappointed because of what's the point of going otherwise. Also, can I just say one thing about her speech? When you go to a funeral, one of the interesting things, as long as it doesn't go on too much, the eulogy, when you find out about their life before they were old, is really fascinating. And they're like, oh wow, I didn't know they did that. Where she just went on about cows. Yeah. And that was less interesting, I thought. He was an old cow. He was an interesting individual cow. If she'd been like, you know, he was an Elvis impersonator in 1972, and then before I was born. Big drag act in the 80s. Yeah, interesting. Makes people go, oh, that's a, rather than he was alone, he was a loner who liked cow. He was a miserable get. That's why no one found him for ages. Yeah. I think Ruth was hoping to find another dead body when they burst in on, as we the other day. But could you believe that though? Oh, dear, I think she's dead. Yeah, I think that's what she thought. I think it's, it's weird because she was on the phone. There was just this knock, knock, knock. And then you wait, and you wait a decent interval. You don't go knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. And then just think, right, I'm coming in. Regina. She's just so rude. Wait. So rude. That's what I mean. They feel like they're her parents. They've completely taken over her. No boundaries that lot. No bloody boundaries at all. Now, Steph Turner has blown Laurie's theory about Freddie's sexuality out of the water. Laurie contends, Laurie Dudley contends that Freddie is asexual. She said Freddie and Steph says Freddie and Johnny went to the Isle of White Festival some seven or eight years ago. And Johnny fixed Freddie up with a young lady whose friend he was making friends with. So he's not asexual because he was interested and there were things going on in the tent, things going bump in the night. Yes. Well, I suppose he could, I mean, maybe he just doesn't realise he is. Has he never had a relationship? No. Oh, dear old Freddie. Yes. Gosh, I think him and Chelsea are definitely destined. Yeah, that'd be lovely actually. Yeah. Cosmo says, Esme can apply to a succession tribunal within three months of the death to continue the tenancy. And I would have expected her landlord to pop around and offer his condolences. Exactly. What are the writers playing at by not doing this? This is from Jennifer Corley, who has, well, it starts, you don't like this, she starts with, I hate Helen. I hate she chose to have a child because she wanted someone to love her. I hate how she patronised Emma telling her how to parent. I hate that she thinks she knows the right way to do everything, yet constantly palms both boys off on anyone and everyone. I hate that she would even think of going on the holiday when Henry can't go. I agree. All this time, I've patiently waited for retribution for her performance parenting in the form of a massive teenage rebellion. Every time she micromanaged Henry, I waited for the time he would finally tell her to piss off. Now, instead of Henry taking up smoking, drinking and shagging, they've decided to make him into saffy from ABFAB. It's not fair. By rights with his trauma and her controlling behaviour, Henry should be a powder keg, making George look like an angel. Writing one rude word on the church is not enough. Feeling distinctly cheated, giddy jack had better come through for me. Your's most biffed, Jen. Jen, I don't hate Helen. I really, I do, she's, I, you know, I feel loyal to her. She's like family, but I do agree in that if I was Henry, I don't like the way Henry is so forgiving of her, but I think he's slightly turning now because he used to, she was so, that's the thing, like, you know, I agree going on that holiday without, what, don't just go, just so I can't go to the castle. I'm sorry. I'm going to go. I'm going to save my holiday time for when I can go away with my family. Yeah. I think it's a bit weird and selfish, to be honest. Like I'd say that, don't you? Like if you, she's probably got two weeks holiday a year or something and she's going to spend one week. Anyway, whatever. I think that's a bit weird and I agree that like Henry's always seemed to have sort of forgiven her for everything and, and it's, and he's too good in a way, but I think that might change now. Well, it's quite typical for damaged children to do that, to become incredibly compliant because they feel that the security of the home rests on their good behaviour. They don't want to risk doing anything that's going to frighten or upset or anything. That's why he was so perturbed when he hit that woman with a cricket ball. Yeah. Yeah. Are you doing your tax return now? No, I'm actually just, it's a long story, but I've made a little pencil pot and I was just thinking, he's a trim at the top and I was just, just found a bit of paper that might work. Okay. Yeah. It's a really good idea actually. I mean, I should start an Etsy shop, but I got this really nice sample of wallpaper, like sort of Indian hand blocked wallpaper and it goes very well around. Well, it would work on a toilet roll actually, but I had a slightly bigger cone thing and I'm making a pencil pot. Right. So, you know, if anybody wants to make some Christmas presents with their kids, I thoroughly recommend it. It's actually really pretty, but the trouble is the top because I cut the top. It's not straight. So it needs some sort of straight trim on it. Okay. Yeah. Are you getting me? Have you had a lot of coffee this morning? I have just finished this one. It's just, I'm looking at it and it's really, it's frustrating me because it's wonky. Yes. And basically it looks like a loo roll that has been cut with a wallpaper rather than a really arty pencil pot. Does it look like something that your child brings back from playgroup, but you go, oh, that's lovely darling. But worse. Wait till they lock in and put in the recycling. But worse. Anyway, sorry. Back to Helen. Well, that was it really. Now, this is from Jada who says, "Going into maybe my 10th year listening to the arches, it seems to me they're trying to push Chris as a catch now that he's no longer with his dipsomaniac wife. Am I the only person, and no, you're not Jada because I have long thought this, but kept it to myself. Am I the only person who thinks his voice is uncannily similar to Mackenzie Crook, who played Gareth in The Office. He was also in Detectorists most recently and is short to be in another thing whose name escapes me, but looks good. My mental image of Chris is always of a meatier Gareth, not an attractive look. Ditto George Grundy. I've always envisioned him as a Gareth type as well. Mouth half open all the time and with spots, but it's the voice of Chris that is really spot on for Gareth. Yes, I agree Chris, it sounds like Gareth, but I think I've been, I've been gasped lit so often into hearing how hunky he is and with his glistening biceps. And he's quite hunky in real life. So I have the actor's sort of image in my head. Right. And so when he is bang in that metal, he has big biceps. I liked the fact that as you said, because we've forgotten what he does. Yeah. And I was thinking, I thought everything he did was to do with horses. Yeah. I thought he was only making shoes. So if he's making a handrail, wouldn't that, would that be a metal handrail? Because I thought would I don't really understand what he was making. It's a, it's a, it's a metal handrail to go on a, on a, on a wrought iron staircase wrought iron. Right. Okay. Yeah. Good. Okay. Just checking. Yeah. This is from Mr. Rodriguez Payne, who says, Esme's eulogy was missing a, how are you? And was more of an ode as to his similarities to a cat as presumably no one in the congregation knew him. He said, this is, I love this bit. Chris's attempts to appease Alice, read the nature of his bunk up with Carly were quite funny, with increasingly greater detail as to its exact nature. I was quite surprised you didn't start Googling accompanying images to fully explain his latest amorous moves. Can you imagine? And then I did that. And then she did that. And then Jennifer says, I know I'm a soppy bugger, but I am loving the flirtation between Chris and Carly feels like they've got good chemistry and history. And he's already introduced to the Martha, maybe a little too soon. Yeah. What will Alice and Hannah say? Yes. I know. I was thinking of Hannah. But she's disappeared again. Where is she? Well, she's still on the, with the pigs. She just spends a lot of time in there. I know. I did think poor, poor old Hannah. Yeah. I don't think Hannah's in it enough. I, I'd bring, I'd give, I think Hannah deserves a bit more story. So to be honest, we've now gone from having, we were, we were bemoaning the lack of single women a couple of weeks ago. We've now got Hannah, Helen. Well, Helen's not as young though, is she? No. Cause you were lacking the, but sort of like safe women in their late 20s, 30s, 20s and 30s, loads. Yeah. Catherine Rowan Jones said, I really enjoyed hearing Chris and Carly together. This'll stir things up. Henry once again was the adult in the room. And why did Helen take sausage boy with her on a third or fourth date with Dane? We all, we were, we were all asking us. I had a flashback hearing their drunken return from the pub. Little Miss Giggly. Yes. Oh yeah. That's a, that's an interesting throwback. Very good. Yeah. And also a point I've been meaning to raise for a while. She says, have Brian and the Alderges all forgotten that Adam was caught with his hand in the till to the tune of five grand. Well, it could explain why Brian is less than, less than willing to fork it over, to, to fork the whole farm over to him. Um, Lorna says, does anyone else think that the exclusion of the archer children means that it's a surefire that they're going to use the castle trip as a major incident? Let's face it, the archers isn't EastEnders, so they're not going to main imaginary children. Yeah. What's going to, are we going to hear the castle? I hope we do. I bet we don't. I mean, it's just not fair if we don't, because sometimes when they do away days, like, like when Lillian went to the Isle of Wight, you know, like occasionally you do do a bit of that. That would be really, that would be a breath of fresh air for all of us, wouldn't it? Yeah. Because otherwise what's the point of them going? So that I can do sketches about it. That is the point of them going. That is. That's a good point. And also so that Henry can get into some sort of trouble, maybe. Yeah. Party with all his friends. No, he'd have a Dungeons and Dragons night, wouldn't he? Cute. It's so unbelievable that he didn't know what, um, Bill and Ted was, because there's no way Tom hasn't been watching that with him for years, clearly. Yes. No. Uh, yeah. When was it, I was horrified about how long ago that came out. I just looked at it. But then, but then you look at the beautifulness of Keanu Reeves then and the fact that he now looks like a man who sleeps in a hedge, but still very attractive. And he's beautiful inside and out. He is. He's a lovely man, lovely, lovely man. But yes, I suppose you kind of want everyone to stay in amber, don't you? So that you can crystallize them in their beautifulness. Um, now we've had lots of cross people cross, cross, cross. This is from Jane, who is cross. Uh, a lot of people blaming their crossness. They might be cross on this podcast because I've got to put myself up to plus two DB. So sorry, if I've been a bit quiet, you're fine. Um, they're cross because of the menopause. It's, they're blaming the menopause and then taking it out on the arches. Okay. That's the common thing to do. That's, I think that's, that's prescripted. Jane, Jane and Sheffield, her partner suggested that I should probably email that podcast, which I think is an indication that I've started talking about the arches again with the exasperation usually reserved for family menopause, family members. Hello, menopause. She says, so apologies for the rant, but the bread delivery in the middle of a funeral, a funeral being covered on the arches for a character who never existed before they died on a farm that never existed in the history of the program. It did though. Mulligan got as much funeral airtime as Piggy and don't even get me started on Esme. Why are they depicting her as though she's been beamed down from space despite being older than Pip and Josh and having a dead mother. It's like she's never been to a funeral before. Yeah. And what is happening to the life she used to live prior to coming back to Ambridge? Yeah. Yeah. I'm assuming this is a storyline to balance out the upcoming succession storylines around the venice to remind us that not all farmers are in a position to hand down their acres of land to undeserving and entitled children. Oh my goodness Helen and Tom this week, assuming they could rope any old neighbouring to run their farm while they gallivant around to cast in Scotland, which is apparently going to be stuffed full of free wellies. Why would Alice assume there would be wellies there? So weird. I'm the same. I don't. I also had that question. And I'm glad they're covering this angle, but is it necessary to do it in a way that makes me want to tear my hair out? If you're going to bring in what I assume are temporary characters from outside Ambridge, could they at least bear some semblance of an actual adult human being? Yours menopausally, Jane and Sheffield. That was very menopausally, wasn't it? Thank you, Jane. Time to change your patch. The castle, the wellies thing, didn't strike me as odd because when you go to Fancy Schmancy. No, you check the website though, Lucy. Yes, but they're forever doing pictures, aren't they, of millions of wellies all lined up for you to borrow. In that case, she should have she should have said I saw pictures of wellies on Instagram. Yes, rather than I assume. Yes, it annoyed me as well. I was I was like, no, don't assume. Yes. Also, they're not necessarily going to be your size. No, that's all they're always too large. They're too large. Anyway, but about a bit aside from that. Yes, right. This is Joanna from Hampshire, who is also in a menopausal level of annoyance. She says, okay, can everyone just fuck off tiptoeing around Bloody Alice. She's taken no responsibility for the crash and thinks it's okay for everyone to demonize a young lad who hasn't grown up with the privilege and lifestyle she did. Did she not get pissed while she worked at the stables and cause a haught to have an accident? Why shouldn't George be given the opportunity to work packing veg boxes when she was handed everything on a plate despite everything she's done? I cheered when Chris spent the night with Carly. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Alice. You pampered little hypocrite. Oh, and Mick can do one. I think Susan did an amazing job of keeping her cool. I'd have dropped kicked him right in the bollocks if he'd spoken to any young member of my family like that. Yours, annoyed to a menopausal level of annoyance, which is to say in Adam's voice, please, she says. I'm with you 100% on that. There's too much thought. There's too much tiptoeing around Alice. And Alice, I'm sorry, but when they say, oh, is it okay if George worked here? She should go. Absolutely. Let's try and, you know, this was the thing that happened was dreadful. Yes. And it wouldn't it be wonderful if we can sort of give him some sort of fresh start. Bloody hell. If anybody should understand the, yes, how difficult the benefit of second chances. Yes. Alice, she's gone through throwing bricks through the shop window to now being given a part share of one of the biggest farms in Ambridge. It's just not this is and it makes her unlikable because we don't really see her being, I don't know, if she's too spoiled, I think, even now, even after all she's gone through and too, too earnest with that now, now that she sort of, you know, but actually, if she just said, what are you talking about? Of course, get George, then we would have cheered, I think. Yeah. Absolutely. Because I agree. She does have to take a tiny bit of responsibility for that crash and she hasn't taken any. She was the one that was fast asleep in a car on the side of the road. Yeah. So, you know, just, just at least go, oh, it would have been better if I hadn't, you know, anyway, whatever. But yeah, it annoys me too. Grace of Southport says she reckons George would be able to drive a tractor on private land. I believe his driving ban wouldn't count. I may be wrong though. I don't know. Slisters forward. Matthew says rather brutally, does Brian know Rory's a prosy? I think we call them sex workers now. Matthew, thank you. Escort. Escort. I quite like that. Rory standing under a streetlight with one trouser leg rolled up looking suggestive. I'm annoyed that Rory doesn't remember that either. Yes. I still hope that Julianne's coming back. Because you know she's your friend. Yeah. Well, no, but also because I liked her and she could be the owner of, seeing as she's probably not the owner of Greg Ables, like we all thought she might be, she could be the owner of the farm. Yeah, definitely isn't, but she could be. Will says, did anyone else feel sorry for the poor breadman who inadvertently interrupted old Mulligan's funeral? I thought David Huth were awful with him. Me too. Sadly indicative of the wider C of E's contra-Christian attitude to outsiders. A hundred percent and to delivery drivers. Yeah. On a different note, my heart broke for Alice during that episode. I so hope that her and Chris find a way back to one another. You can tell that they both still have strong feelings for one another. He says, although I'm sending this before Friday's episode, so they could have made up and be engaged by 7.15. No, they weren't. No, Chris deserves better. Okay. Ooh, we've totally gone. Wow. I'm team Carly all the way. Wow. Right. Okay. Sorry, Alice. Alice will find some really posh, a bit like that, that, that alcoholic she had before, but, but less alcoholic. I think it'll be like Marianne Dashwood. And she'll end up with an older man. I agree. She needs an older man. Yeah. Yeah. Someone stable and calming. And terribly rich. Yeah. Yeah. Oliver. Yes. It's like weird. Wouldn't it be slightly weird? Really weird. He's 80. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be like one of those, one of those pneumatic women that, that push around really old men in, in bath chairs and, and have, and, and, you know, they have their, what do they call him? Oh, this is my husband's personal assistant who happens to be, you know, 26, a bit like a brick shit house and, you know, glistening muscles. Yeah. We look after him together. Do we now? Okay. Maybe not Oliver, but someone in well into his 60s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is from Fiona, who's also cross. She said, we read her email out a couple of weeks ago, and she said, she now feels like a part of the average on the couch gang. I listened on catch up, so I'm behind the times, but I was struck by a comment from Pip when she was in peak winch mode about Rosie's lack of a Halloween costume, pumpkin picking out and et cetera. She mentioned that her friend, Lottie, has stepped down from her important job in insurance to become a doctor's receptionist, because although the pay drop is significant, it gives her more time with Madison. Given that Pip seems to resent every minute she has to work at Brookfield and her complete lack of empathy for her 60 plus year old parents who are grafting considerably harder than she is, I wondered that she doesn't consider doing something similar. I know that she would be completely useless in any other job and would presumably lose her free accommodation at Rickyard, but it would allow Josh to potentially work full time on the farm. I think he had to diversify into eggs because he was told there wasn't enough money to employ him full time, although I may be making that up. If Pip is serious about putting Rosie first, and if having a large extended family around her and a supportive ex-partner isn't enough, then maybe she could take a leaf out of Lottie's book. Oh no, because she's a selfish entitled little madam who just likes to moan all the time. Silly me! Rant over, keep up the amazing work guys, you're my favourite podcast. Thank you Fiona, that's very kind. Well, I like that this is a place people can rant. I know, there's a lot, it's like ranty ranty this week, isn't it? A lot of rantage. Wow. Well, could she... I think, yes, it's the lack of the formal childcare that is slightly... All the childcare in Ambridge is entirely ad hoc, isn't it? Yeah, but I think that's where it has to be if you're a farmer, probably, doesn't it? Because you can't... I mean, you know, it's hard enough to afford full time childcare, and if you've got lots of people living in the farmhouse and a great granny, then... Yeah, I suppose, yeah. I think you're all right. Yeah. I think Pip loves not being with Rosie too much. Well, yeah, but she doesn't like being on the farm too much either, seemingly. But she loves the farm, doesn't she? She loves that life. I don't think she could do anything else. She's basically just ticking off the days until Rosie's old enough to do the milking, isn't she? That's it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Isn't it real all over again that Rosie's going to grow up and we're going to see her grow up and we're going to remember her now as what, you know, this little barrel with pigtails sort of thing. And who is fighting people all the time? Yeah, he's fighting people and then she's going to be a real person. Well, I'm just really waiting for Keira to hurry up and make an appearance. Yeah. Because she's old enough now, and I just think... And we need another, because as Chelsea is sort of going to grow into a woman, we need like another young person, don't we? Yeah. We've got Mia. So... No, she's the same as Chelsea, isn't she? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We need like a young girl. Next gen. Like we've got Khalil, basically. Yeah. He's only 15. Yeah. And Keira's about 13, maybe. Yeah. I can't really remember. I can never remember. Anyway, no, no, maybe older, maybe 40. Anyway, we'll hear from her soon, I reckon. Well, Keira's one of those, like Henry was for a while, one minute they're playing with Lego and then the next minute they're, you know, drinking behind the shed and you think, "Well, how old are they?" Because it's sort of, the script writer's not quite sure how to write for different ages, are they, all the time? And, but actually it would be really interesting to have someone like Keira because, you know, a teenage girl who has got a slightly, tiny sort of slightly dysfunctional family. Yeah. And she's, well, I'm sure they made a reference to her and some sort of digital, you know, all the sort of digital influences and that'll be quite interesting, wouldn't it? Yeah. Anyway. Well, she'll be lured into it by Amber, won't she, if Amber's still around? Oh, she was born 2011, so she's the same age as one of my children. I can't remember which one. Oh, she's 14, she's the oldest. I knew that date, rungabelle. In fact, we were basically born pretty much on the same day, turns out. Yeah, I thought there was an affinity, I always thought it was, someone else who was born, I think it was, but Henry's about the same age as well. No, Henry's older. Yeah. Henry's older and Keira is 14. So, yeah, so she's definitely getting into vocal territory. Yeah. Sighting. Anne says, "Wonderful shanbridges this week. Thank you, Harriet." Oh, thank you for listening. I've upped my shanbridge game. Now that I know how to do, someone showed me how to do, I can't remember what it's called, cap cut. You can make videos much more easily and stick them on Insta. Right. Whereas you couldn't, you didn't, the trial with Instagram is you can't put audio on it. You can't just put straight audio on it, which would obviously be super easy. You have to like turn it into a video, which is like just too time consuming. Right. Thanks very much. It was just a quickie. If anyone's not following, is it shanbridges or shanbridge on your Insta? At shanbridges. Yeah, then go and have a look. It's Harriet's little corner where she does her drawings and she does her archers. Once every... I think it was Rachel or somebody really nice said, DM me and said, "Oh, I just, just to let you know that your podcast feed for shanbridge isn't updating because I haven't had anything in since February." And I was like, "Oh, I don't think that's because I haven't heard of anything since February." Yes, you know, you might get two in a month, but then you have to wait six for the next one. Well, that's good. Keep some on the toes. Keep some people, you know, keep some wanting more. It's very ad hoc. Very ad hoc. But yeah, I do more stuff on the Instagram, so follow me @shanbridges if you would like to. There's no what the hell is happening here this week because James is out enjoying himself. Was out enjoying himself. Good for you, James. Good. But this is the other one. Hang on a sec. Last week's one and we've got the answer to it. She's got a good heart. She needs her head examining. Alice, don't hit that girl, she's good. She shouldn't even talk to him, let alone sit by his bedside. Still, Justin, it's like they say, "Treat me, keep him keen." I beg your pardon. I feel sorry for you and I don't blame you at all. Because I think Alice needs you. It's a real shame you didn't have a costume party this year because then Justin could have come as a grim reaper. I mean, even if it wasn't you, Justin, someone taking that out like that saved you having to do the job. So that was Alice being drunk. Oh, I'm so glad she's not drunk anymore. I know, yes. And I'm also not talking like this the whole time. Give her her six-year-old boyfriend. Let her settle down and just become a cool character. Cosmo said, "That was a somewhat heavily refreshed Alice talking truth to power." I'm not sure why she was drunk that time. Of course, the Miss Dabina was the much missed Nick who should not have been killed off for a silly issue story and was the best thing about Will for a long time, he says. But yes, that was exactly it. And now, once Harriet has recorded the sketch, which she has forgotten all about, we are going to go... Mind you, she can't remember the dates of her own, the age of her own children. So I would like that she's going to have forgotten the sketch. And we're going to cross over to where are we going? I can't remember. Remember what the sketch is? I don't know. I haven't even opened it. What was it? Anyway, we're going to have a sketch now. Hooray! Welcome, everybody, to a broadcasting outside. This evening, I am at the Black Tie Awards. I thought it was just a Black Tie, as I did not read the invitation properly. So I am a little chilly, but we'll have a few drinks to warm up. And possibly the wine list to cover all eventuality. Sadly, it is not Emmys or the Oscars or even the soap awards, where young women from Manchester fall out of taxi with one eyelash on, and they boop out. But it is the Borchester Pub Awards, and we are here, of course, to celebrate the winning of the bull. I am talking to you in interval before the bull gets the award. It has been a very long evening, I have to say. There have been many categories so far, including stickiest carpet, most frequent urinal cake, and slowest barman. Ha! Here comes Lillian, the lady of the evening. I beg you, pardon, darling. Lady of the evening doesn't sound very salubrious. Here's your pina colada. I slopped a bit over my wrist. Have you got a tissue? No. I haven't got anything, Lillian. You can see that. Oh, yes. Give us the end of your tie. Goodness, it is chilly in here, isn't it? Sorry, darling. Put your wine list back, although if you've got a spare business card, that should cover it. Lillian, could you tell us what it means to you to win the Borchester Pub Awards? Well, it's marvelous, darling, obviously. I mean, we've been through a lot, and we're such a happy little team, which is the main thing. I mean, I make suggestions, and if no one likes them, I just threaten to give up my share in the pub, and I find we collaborate much better after that. Oh, look! I think they're announcing the winner. What's Tracy doing up there for God's sake? Hello, Borchester! Look at this! I've never won in a war before, especially not one that looks like a big glittery willy with a little pub on top. I've never even been to an awards ceremony before, to be honest. I feel a bit tearful, but I feel I must say a few words, especially as nobody wanted me to come tonight in case I got pissed and made a fool of myself, but here we are! Hello, Lillian! I see you! Get down, darling! Oh, and there's a surprise! Look! Time wave! You'll lose your wine list! Bloody me! Are you in a draft? I should move away from the vodka looge! Anyway, now I'm up here, I just wanted to say how grateful we all are for this award. It's not easy working in the pub trade with everything like it is at the moment. I think everyone here can relate to that. We all face the same problems every day, like annoying a dangerous gangster with contacts across the Midlands, when your only policeman is on Coronation Street, and your landlady wanted to employ a delinquent who nearly killed two of the staff. Stuff like that really takes the fun out of it. But I bloody love working at the bull, even when Kenton makes us wash his car in January. Everyone loves their local, don't they? Tracy, that's enough! Uh-oh, I'm getting the thumbs down from the big boss. Time's up, but I just wanted to leave you with one thought. Unfortunately, I can't remember what that thought is now. Was it about wasps? No, it's gone. We're very grateful to everyone that voted for us, whoever they were, because we generally only have three customers, and two of them are Fat Paul. So thank you very much and good night! Do come and visit us at the bull, and enjoy some shires and some teeny-tiny little Yorkshire puddings filled with some old shite that Fallon has found at the back of the fridge. Thank you, Borsichire! [Music] Thank you to The Sketch. Oh, I remember it was the Borchester Puppa wards. Oh, of course it was. Tracy and Lillian, yes. And Fabrice. And so we finished now. Oh, could I do some drunk acting then? Yes, yes, no, that's what you're going to do. Yes. Okay, just so you know, it won't be my best drunk acting, okay, because we've only got like five minutes to do it. So it won't be my best drunk acting. Just don't miss any lines, that's all. But I'm drunk. Yes, well, yes, okay. So that's it. We can go now. If you'd like to follow us on Patreon, if you'd like to Patreon us, that would be amazing, and you will get it for free. You'll get it, you won't get it for free. You will get it advert free. Yeah, good. And because otherwise, if it was free, that would rather take away the point of the whole Patreon thing, wouldn't it? And the next thing is we're going to have a chat with Harriet. Oh yeah, sorry, I knew some dates. Yes, I'm sorry. You're so, let me know, overloaded at the moment, so long. No, no, a weeknight is fine. Oh, okay. That's all, that's quite easy. Okay, yes, Ken. So we're going to have an evening with Harriet. Oh my God. Yeah, I'll play the violin or something. And we're going to close now with Matt Rodriguez-Pain, who has given us an open all-hours version of the Ambrish D-Tune, in light of George's foray into customer service, he says, which I hope will still be applicable after Friday's episode, where presumably Mick will have created a large banner out of protein bar rappers that reads, "Fuck off, George." We'll say, if I was George, I'd phone that bread delivery company because there'll be a job going. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay, so we're finished. See you next week. See you next week. Enjoy your fireworks later, Harriet. Oh, thank you. Bye. Goodbye. [Music]