104. Brad Williams, Robert Kelly, Ian Fidance | The Bedroom

>> Before we get into today's show, you should know that me and Big J. Ogerson are touring professional sandup comedians that tour all over the world. I'll be this weekend in Lafayette, Louisiana on Friday night July 31. Saturday night, I'm in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Then I'm taking a little bit of time off, but I'm back on the road in September. I'm going to be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Portland, Maine, Belmore, New York, and Rochester, New York. Go to my website, LewisofSkanks.com to grab tickets for the rally me this tour. And you can go to BigJComedy.com for all my dates. I have dates coming up in Levittown, Long Island, Albany, New York. Royal Oak, Michigan, and so much more. Look for a seat near you at BigJComedy.com. Let's start this fucking show. >> Fill her up. >> You are listening to The Gas Digital Network. [MUSIC] >> Ladies and gentlemen, it's storyboards! Make some noise for the storyboard. Here's Big J.O.K.S. and Lewis. J.Comedy! [MUSIC] >> What is up, storyboards? Make some fucking noise. Will you please, New York City? >> Come on. >> Come on. >> Come on. We got wiggers in the front row. We got ball guys everywhere. It's a New York comedy club we're sold out. >> What is this fucking like seven months in a row of sold out shows? >> I think three and a half years, a complete sold out shows. >> Yeah, dude. >> Eat that, kill Tony. >> Suck our dicks. >> You guys out the garden. We sell this massive comedy club every week. >> The cameras don't see. The cameras don't justify how big this fucking place is. >> It's crazy. >> Hello! >> Hello! >> Just the people in the back now. [MUSIC] >> You guys rule. >> You guys. >> Weirdo Yankevitch is in the crowd. That's pretty sick. Thank you very much for coming up. >> Now, I've always called him Weirdo Yankevick. >> Is it Vitch? >> I don't know. >> Han Turkey. >> [LAUGH] >> How many people here is first time seeing storyboards? >> That's not even what I asked. >> You asked it wrong. >> I did. >> Boo! >> Welcome to storyboards. I make some noise in your formula you never see. >> [APPLAUSE] >> How many people in this room are familiar with the game's storyboards? >> Yeah! >> And who is not familiar with the game's storyboards? >> Boo! >> Boo! >> Oh, man. If it's your first time listening at home or it's your first time here, it's a very simple game. We'll explain it once we get our esteemed panel of contestants up here. Are you guys ready to fear your contestants? >> [APPLAUSE] >> Our first contestant with a zero in three record. >> Ouch. >> Jesus Christ. >> You know from his podcast being Ian with Jordan, he's got a new show called Ian Doe, an odd guy doing odd jobs available on YMH. Make some noise for the hilarious Ian Fighting. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] >> What's up? >> Thanks for joining us. You did forget your top hat. Where is it? >> I was going to do a Willy Wonka entrance, but I can't. I have gout. I'm really wonky. Thanks, folks. Ian, you've lost this game three times. It's starting to get close to us not inviting you back anymore. >> Tonight's going to be a good night. I feel it in my bones, but that may just also be gout. >> That might be your gout. >> There's also a lyric to a blackout piece song. What, I have gout, my name's Ian? >> No. >> What? >> I got a feeling tonight's going to be a good night. >> Ooh. >> I thought you were saying let's get retarded. >> No. >> I would never. >> Our next competitor with a zero in one record on story wars. He's got a brand new special on YouTube called Live on Short Street. Great podcast called Heighten Babel. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one and only. Brad William. [APPLAUSE] >> Oh my god, it feels so good to just move freely, pain free. Oh man. What a blessing. Tell me more about your gout. I'm a fucking midget. Shut up. >> Jesus Brad, would you cut it gout? >> I feel bad for Brad, because he has to be so close to your gout. >> I'm so close. It's gout contagious. I may have it in my hip now. >> They call it, they, you know you get it from eating a lot. They call it Bobby Kelly's disease. >> Oh, come on. >> Not even here to defend himself. >> What? >> Or is that it? >> Is our third contestant from the Bonfire. From the YKWD podcast. From the Rags. From Killbox. [APPLAUSE] >> Tied for the second most points in story wars history. One and four. Bobby Kelly in the house. >> You take a shot. >> What? >> You take a shot. >> You look like what gout smells like. >> It doesn't smell it. >> Shout out to your bisexual. >> I'm just saying what my doctor said. >> This place got fint. You got fucking actual eye pass. >> Yeah, dude. >> You guys are moving out. >> Tablets. >> Do you get paid? >> Yeah. >> You always get paid. >> I've never gotten paid. >> Yeah, you have. >> You've been paid in memories. >> I love you Jay. >> I love you too. >> I legit thought this was an iPhone and it just looked big to me. >> No. >> How are you the same height as me? >> It's an optical illusion, isn't it? >> It's fucking nuts. >> Wait till you see my cock. That's going to make you cry. >> Why do you think I'm here? >> He's got a booster seat as ass. >> Yeah. >> Don't get set up. >> This is like the Goldilocks of panels. This comedian's too big. This comedian's too small. This comedian's a faggot. >> That comedian's funny. That's not. Sorry, I'm sorry. >> Came off of a great laugh. Poor timing. >> Well, it's your first time listening at home or your first time here at Story Wars. It's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. >> Tonight's subject? >> The bedroom. >> Ooh. >> Yeah. >> I keep thinking it's going to catch on. No one ever jumps in. Alex, our lovely producer is going to read eight of those stories one at a time. They will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who's story it is. >> Every time it gets stored correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story up there, it's a huge opportunity. You can get four points when it is your story. So you don't want to squander that opportunity. Once you put your answer in the tablet, put your tablet right here in this slot, that's it. You remove your hand. You can't change your answer, okay? And I'll tell you right now, this is so much fun. Listen, sir. You're going to have more fun than you've ever had in your entire life. I know you like shopping for nice clothes and hanging out with white guys. But this is going to be so much more fun than that. But guess what? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today. >> This is so much better than hanging with white guys. >> Oh, yeah. Even though that's all we do. [ Laughter ] Trust me, this book's better than that. This week's winner takes home the secret sex life of a single mom by Delaney Moore. [ Cheers and applause ] >> Oh, my God. Salacious. >> It's so funny. Any of our one moms could have written this. Well, sure, Ian, half of all marriages end in divorce. That is a fact. Delaney Moore finds herself navigating divorce, motherhood, and an all new world of dating she is not familiar with. The memoir follows her many attempts to regain sexual intimacy in her life after a long and loveless marriage. All right. [ Cheers and applause ] That's right. Miss, that's going to be your future. Sorry, sir. You have an RUD. Yeah. What? [ Laughter ] You didn't say anything about that at all. >> I mean, it's -- it's Memorial Day. Can we celebrate the soldiers? Yeah, she was around a bunch of IUDs. [ Laughter ] >> Did you know I see you have an RUD? Yeah. You said you have an RUD, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, okay. He attacked me. Oh, I see being a mom. >> What does that mean? Are Regina's dead? >> No. >> It means he comes in her just without a condo frequently. >> And leaves it? >> He just leaves it in. >> Bobby, what it means is -- >> Just for a doctor. >> The doctor's the fuck out of her. >> She went to a doctor and he twisted up a paperclip and shoved it up her -- upper-chancher. >> Yeah. >> And then now, for some reason, she can't get pregnant, but there's always the fear that he's going to get that paperclip. Bring his dick hole. >> Sure. You could feel it sometimes. It looks like the flux capacitor from back to the future. >> It looks like the flux capacitor. >> That's actually why I had the cane. >> Yeah. >> I call it a flux capacitor. >> I think tonight if we can get this chick to 88 miles per hour. [ Laughter ] >> You're going to see some wild shit. >> Just give it back to 1955, try to bang her son. >> Do you have to -- do you have to -- do you have to go garbage into to make it go? >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Well, I don't know, sir. [ Laughter ] >> Oh, that's your brother? >> Oh, god. >> Oh, you sick bitch. >> You let your brother come inside of you? >> That's a -- what a bore. >> This is disgusting. >> The Libyans. >> Ah. >> That's you. [ Laughter ] >> That's hot, bro. That's fucking hot. [ Laughter ] >> That's how we got -- >> That's how we got Ian. [ Laughter ] >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Yeah, watch out. >> Get out of the dick. >> Watch out. out. Let it all out. Well, I think everybody's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. I guess the only thing that I have asked now is if this crowd's ready for war. New York comedy club, are you ready for war? Without further ado, Alex, story number one. Thank you, roots. Story number one. I came back to my hotel and an ex-girlfriend was in my room. She got in by telling the guy in the lobby she was my wife and showing him photos. She was determined to get back together, but I wasn't. I said, "Girlfriend, so it's not even." Hey, my patients with these gay jokes is getting a little short. Have you come out to your parents yet? I gotta give you credit. That was a tiny bit better. Ex-girlfriend in the hotel room. I know basically all of Big J's dating history. This didn't happen to Jay. Yeah, I mean, the last time he had a girlfriend, like, besides his wife, besides the girlfriend's that he had behind his wife's back, was 19 years old. She's not showing up in a hotel room. You didn't even have hotel rooms then. That's an old joke, everybody. No, no, he just didn't get hotel rooms. Oh, okay. Wait, it's left in the car. What? I have no idea. It's so weird that holds back and forth. And the fact that she, if a girl showed up at Lewis's room, he'd fuck her. He wouldn't be like, "But I wasn't determined to get back together because I have morals." Can I say this reads like someone who's exposing this story, but double downing to be like, "But I stayed with my wife and I think therefore it is Bobby." That's fucked up, dude. I love my wife. And that's why you didn't go with the ex-girlfriend. You don't think I would fucking cheat in my wife of a chick snuck in the room? Not even mine. Lewis's data is some crazy chicks. Bobby, I don't, this sounds like a story Bobby would tell me. Look, I could hear this coming out of your mouth. No, dude, you know, dude, in a way, if a chick showed up at a hotel and tried that hard to get in, you think I'm gonna not get a hand job or something. It doesn't say that they didn't get a hand job or fuck her. She was determined to get back together with this person and was not. Yeah. That's all that. Good point. And Bobby's an old road dog. Bobby's been getting hotels for fucking 30 years. I remember the word "photo" is also. Oh, so yeah, cuz it's not phone. And then it wasn't me. They didn't have photos on phones back when I was fucking. What about a sketch? But it doesn't say photos, it doesn't say photos on phone either. It just says photos. Yeah, that could be either. I guarantee you was some scag them at Bobby on the Torgasm and they're just like, "I'm his." She said to me, "Dane, not me." Yeah, yeah. I could get you to Dane. I did that. And you also date some crazy bitches. I've talked to a few gals that you've been intimate with. And they're always a little bit fucking wacky these brats. Well, I mean, also you and I are Eskimo brothers and a couple of times over. Yeah, so it could be out. New back girl has no touch. She's a whole mouth. And she, and she. That girl is just a fucking well for people to dump their coming to. Oh, my God. She does not have any discerning quality whatsoever that I'm into this thing. These guys have nothing similar down to their elbows. Girls that fuck both of us are literally just rancid worse. Jesus, Lewis. They could be trying to get into my hotel room. Yeah. That's as ex-wife you're talking about that. I don't have a side over. You just like the thing to lock it in. At the bottom, where it says, "Bobby Bus." You have technology. Been out for years. Bobby Bus for Brad. Why Brad? Why? Because we know one has said his name once at all. And he seems to have, like, he would have morals. Like, he'd be like, "I really don't want to be back with you, fuck." Oh, my plan is working perfectly. You think I have morals. This is awesome. Yeah. No, no, he has morsels. That's what he is. The portions that he can use. Two hands. Two hands on a morsel. I still get two hands on a room there. You can't be funny and have morals. Everybody thinks it's me or it's him. I'm going to be your Bobby or Ian vibes right now. I'm getting Bobby vibes. I'm also getting Lewis vibes. Like, who's got some ex-girlfriends that would do this shit? Well, we're all scumbags on the panel, so not me. I have morals, didn't you? Look at the news. This story could also be very sweet. Like, this isn't necessarily a crazy bitch. There's people like a nice girl who like, just wanted to get back with you and show it up. It's like, literally, I really want to be with you. None of us have been with nice girls. It's him. Once I would sneak into the hotel room, weren't there to do something lovely. Yeah, be like, I'm his wife. Let me in. I didn't have to do his voice. How is my voice deeper than yours? To get to Brad's hotel room, she had to follow the yellow brick road. This is how I don't think that's what I'm talking about. Oh, my God. It's kind of my hotel room. You know what? I'm going in finance. That's my instinct. I'm not ignoring my instincts today. In finance, this sounds like one of the little bitches that you go with. I'm going to look as Lewis Crazy to bad choice. No, you think it's a crazy choice? I'm a crazy person. I don't know, but would Kim ever say she was Lewis's wife? Yes, particularly. Oh, in fact, you know what the story is Kim. Waste of a vote, Jay. Yep. I went with Ian. Ian's done some shit in your life, and I think this is something that could come back for you. Well, look at you little projector. Ian goes Bobby. All right. Everyone's in Alex. Story number one belongs to Brad Williams. You got to read between the lies. Yep. Yeah. Springfield, Missouri. Wow. He's the only one that wouldn't be if any chick sure if fucking anybody would be like, come on in. You fucking dirty. And we do stuff. He's the only one to be like, I really am not into it. She's not from there. She flew there. Yeah. Whoa. That's crazy. Was this a crazy bitch? Well, because she had she had been to this bigger club with me before. So she literally knew the hotel where where we'd be staying at. And yeah, she just went to the lobby and started showing photos and be like, that's my husband. That's your son. Stop lying to us. Miss you fucking pervert. Yeah. I literally opened the door, saw her and would like, nope. And then shut the door, literally ran back down the lobby. It was like, that's not like who the fuck is in my room? He's like, that's your wife. And I was like, that's not my wife. And you saw the look on the hotel room, like workers face like, oh, fuck. Like I'm so getting fired. I'm like, yeah, you are. So what happened? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got somebody fired of a pussy. No, I didn't get the hotel room worker fired, but they got security. They called. They got her out. And yeah, did she? Did you see her? And she was leaving? Mm hmm. What did she say? She wanted to get back together. I'll get you in a little dog. He was like, well, that's a whore of a different color. Yeah. She clicked her heels three times. She was back in your room. Alex, where are points at one story down? All right. Tied for last place with zero points each. Lewis, Jay Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson and Ian Fy dance. Good company to keep. In second place with two points, Robert Kelly. Oh, fuck you, mother fuckers. And in first place with three points, Brad Williams. All right. He's the fucking midget. Oh, you get more fucking woke crowd fuck off. I want to know more about the story in general discussion. Like there's got to be more of this story. Story. Brad's corny, man. There is. I'm not willing to tell you. You're not willing to tell it. Okay. He fucked her. Oh, he fucked her and then got security a drag route. There you go. Now you know my moves. Hey, take my load to the hold and sell you pig. Oh, well, she hot. Yeah. She was really hot. Yeah. And you didn't want to do anything. No, this shit was crazy. Yeah. She flew to Springfield, Missouri. I think she's here. Holy shit, Angela. You only fly the Springfield, Missouri to do comedy shows or stalk your performer boyfriend. Yeah, but the comedians are such comedians. I know for a he pulled the name Angela That's actually her name I guarantee it middle middle. Oh nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tricky First name was barb Barb and Alex story number two story number two When I was a teenager I had a black light in my bedroom along with glow in the dark stars and a lava lamp I had an old rady robe that I would use to clean up my splooge after jerking off You'd clearly see how often I jerked off any time I turned the black light on this is so big J That was in Lewis's book I think it's Bobby You're dressed like the description of this room like right now Never had a lava lamp in my life. Can someone do a black light over big J right now? I'm covered in load for sure J is dressed in black light responsive clothing. I am um, I never had a black light in my bedroom quite honestly I wish I did my stepbrothers did and they had a acdc highway to help poster. That was so cool a black light poster Yeah, but I I never had one myself Glow in the dark stars. I always had popcorn ceilings Rady will actually made a popcorn you know. I know Eventually it was just shingles You had a popcorn ceiling and candy corn walls. Yeah, now whoever did splooge. Yeah, who would you definitely sing it in my direction for sure? I is a word I would use splooge is a very big J type word, but also Lewis Here's one that you know about me. I think I'm not a robe guy even sort of. I'm always Actually says it was only first cleaning up splooge. That doesn't mean I'm a robe guy But I could not afford all of these things. These are this is an expensive kids bedroom. You stole them You put I I could see Lewis getting gifts certificates to the niac mall Spencer's and the palisate parkway. He's at Spencer's every time he fingers his girlfriend He puts a star in the ceiling to celebrate This is Lewis if I've ever heard Lewis before Say less Ian. I'm with you guys. Um, you're wasting your votes. All right. No, look at him. I don't really wait If you play the tape the smirk you gave when I said when you would finger a girl Look at a tick when you look at it Everytime salty dark star These fucking points right now. Let me tell you this is just let me just throw it at me This is one of the two people that have already voted already Big Jay that or Bobby didn't have technology like this when he was a teenager We had candles. Yeah, no lava lamps weren't a thing. No, it's lava This this this whole description is a hot topic wet dream Yes, and that and I feel that wet dream evolved into what we now know as big Jay. Okay Brad, wait. No way. Before you walk us when you let you know. Yeah When this comes out, I'm gonna look at you and let you know that Lewis did what he wanted to do By zipping this over my direction with that six splooge line The splooge would just said I would have said jizz yeah, which is why you said splooge to put it on Jay. Thank you You would also just this is him would also say splooge Hands got splooge. It could say splooge. It could be in nowhere robe. He would have a lava lamp. My first thought would you? I did have a lava lamp. I first thought I was you. Do you have a black light Oh No one's a no bobby's hold Bobby I even had to admit robe that being a robe. I mean, it's nothing the ratty robe was just for wiping up your splooge after jerking off Lewis is a robe guy. I've never owned. I don't like robes. I have three robes currently. I have robes now I have a robe now reluctantly, but I just exist. I don't use a robe. If that was my robe, I would call it my rope robe Do you have a splooge robe? Yeah, it's rope, bro splooge socks or no, I have a house with a toilet No, Jay has a human that follows him everywhere I think it's Ian Ian's getting excited. He's trying to throw everybody off Maybe look at these faces he's making. Yeah, fuck it's Bobby god damn it. No, I don't think it's Bobby could be Bobby's Bobby's from the time of lava lamp Look, here's the big big Jay did a good move right now by trying to say that I threw it on him Which is him throwing it on me, which is a technique that he's never mind. I feel so good about my vote again now That's great. Fuck. All right. Now I feel good. It is you dip I think it's Ian. I'm like you go for me the whole time. No, I don't. I just I don't know what is this guy's gonna thing for you I'm really done. I'm locking in with my first assumption. Who big Jay right you can owe me a big apology Everything in life. Everything in Jay's life is big And Jay hates black lights And black homics hates seeing the light That was good. I liked it. I'm going in. I love black light makes me look tan and it makes my sneakers look white I'm getting I don't know what's going on But I'm not getting a big J vibe after hearing him defend himself Ian is my answer Let's see if the Lewis are you see the way Lewis pulled away from me if you try to throw it to me Ian oh wow Lewis Lewis you did pretty good this round Oh, it's Jay. I'm gonna be furious because one person voted for Jay. Shut up. Oh Is it not you all of our answers are in come on JGU you piece of shit story number two It belongs to Lewis Jay You're my sabotage me you piece of shit We're the story worse. We're trying to keep this in house You try to throw splooge at me. I did try to the splooge at you. That has nothing to do with this story That was last Friday night. You say you never tell anybody You little splooge There's not much more to this story. I pretty much wrote it all out there Yeah, yeah, I had a robe it was like a maroon robe and I mean I was using it for maybe a year before I got the black light And then it was just hang there and then I got the black light and then I turned it on the first time I was like holy shit dude It was just splattered fucking everywhere dude like a Jackson Pollock painting I would know I don't think I ever cleaned this not one time. I just kept on using this Oh, I had all that stuff dude. Yeah, I now now when would you put the stars on the ceiling there's no the stars one on the ceiling the first day I bought the whole pack and that was that there was no reason to put stars in the ceiling It was just for the hell of it, but yeah, I mean I when I lost my virginity it was like this was the setup Like it was like oh, hey pass me my cum rope Just some girl getting poorly fogged with sunglasses on so she's not blinded by the rope And then that splooge all you were on my splooge rope And then that woman later fucked Ian Yes, she mobrose. Yeah, she showed up. She already had splotches on her Okay Alex we're our points at All right tied for second place with two points each Lewis J Gomez big J. Ogerson Ian Fydance and Robert Kelly Close game now and in first place with three points Brad Williams Tight how come how come you don't get like half a point for tricking people I mean do you when you play monopoly you go how come they didn't do it this way. 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I think hikkies is being like an old-fashioned thing, so I'm suspecting Bobby on this one. I'm picturing two guys walking out of a bedroom, didn't know mama, so mama goes, and one of them's got a hikkies. What were you doing up there? I was, we were practicing swinging baseball bats. I got hit in the neck. Yeah. This is two guys getting caught French kissing. Because at first I thought it was Ian, but then the excuse of practicing swinging baseball bats, and Ian didn't play sports. No, it's a heated rivalry. Play sports so we can give guys hikkies. Fight first. This isn't Lewis. No, Lewis can never use an excuse that I was practicing sports. That's, mom, I promise, it wasn't gay shit. Well, it could have been practicing swinging baseball bats, like breaking the cars or murder people. Okay, maybe. Okay. Yeah. Lewis put himself right back in the fucking game. That was a good note about hikki is like such an old thing. It is. Yeah, because who gets, who gets, Bobby's been quiet and staring at the middle distance. He's like, this isn't right. His Zimpak just going like, help me in, help me, I don't like, I'll tell you right now. Also, Bobby's telling your mom is dumb and believes everything you tell her. Yeah. I told you that in secrecy. It was pillow talk, but I think we're letting it all hang out tonight. Yeah. I think it's the word hikki. It's the, it's the practicing swinging baseball bats. I think it's not Ian, not Big J. So I'm, I'm going, Bobby. Yeah, me too. Tell you man, I don't like hikki's, I don't like fucking chicks biting my neck. I hate that. Also hikki's are pretty little, unless it's a big hikki on a little person. They go, did you have a hikki or did you get sit with a bowing ball on the neck? We know it's not Lewis, because it says mom. That's all he had, that's all he had. My mom died. Lewis's mom had no hikki. She was never loved. My mom died when I was 22 years old, but not that I'm trying to convince you guys. Yeah. Okay. Of drugs and prostitution. That's not true. Just drugs. Or. She died of a broken heart from getting lied to by her son, libous. Right now she's doing heroin and apoker table and heaven right now with Johnny Hendrix. Oh my god. I'm Johnny's job. It's always Jimmy Hendrix and Johnny's job. Oh my god. And Chris Farley now, I think also. Also, who has a sweet mom that would believe them? I think that's Bobby. My mom. No, Bobby's mom's a real bitch. No, he's right. Bobby's mom needs to be shut. My mom would believe anything I told her for sure. She has a stupid fucking gun bitch. You're right, Jay. Thanks. No, no, no. No, no. She is fucking very intelligent. She's a medical professional and she is very much alive. And it says friend never had sex for money and never had an obiate problem. I correct myself. She did have a little thing with percussive for a minute, but she did correct that self-corrected man. Hold on. You did tell me that she just fucked neighborhood man. She was sort of the neighbor. No, she fucked police officers. She fucked police officers to keep our house safe until Joe came in. And now Joe's been there for 35 years. No more police sticks at all. But while I was young, our house was safe because the local fucking precinct knew send him over to Terry's house. She'll handle it. Oh, you didn't get a story yet, right? I mean, this could be Ian. Ian's the type of fucking just little slut bag that'll get some hikis. Yeah, I think mine. I'm sorry. Your mom died. Jesus. It was calm down. I didn't kill her. God. What is it, Bobby? What's that? What do you say, Bobby? It's Hickey, it's practicing swing baseball bats, which, I don't know, just sounds like something he would say or do. It's like a fucking John Fogarty song. Yeah. It's just. Blimey and coach. I'm ready to gain. Bumry. I'm telling you, it might be J, because he says it. He's ready to gain with J. That does work also. Because you have, it was a girl and he called her a friend. Little fat J didn't have girlfriends. He called them friends. He says something, if I had a fucking, by the time I was getting hikis, I would have come down and showed my mom, like, guess who's not good. Oh, I guess stop worrying if you're a little fat, hairless boy is homosexual or not. It's Ian. I know. I think it might be Ian. Bobby, you have to slide it over. What? Learn the tech. Bobby. Bobby, I was here when you had a riot. Bobby. Bobby is so trying to throw us off his trail. That's what I do. That's what I do. He's trying to throw you off the trail. It's not me. It's him. Look at me. You look at me. You look at me. You look at me. I know this happening for us. You look at me. Guys, look at each other. You're both filming each other with fucking metaglasses. Look at each other. Look at each other. Look. Are y'all gonna fuck right now? What's happening here? I don't know. I think it's J. Hmm. Oh, fuck now. That was crazy. That was crazy. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's J. Oh, fuck now. That was crazy. Yeah. This is not a J story. No, I think it's Bobby. Oh, you know what? This could be fucking J. You, J was a J. Why would I be nervous to tell my mother? You met my mother. My mom's not to probably be worried to say. Yeah, but how old were you? Do you think J was doing. I asked my mom for money so I can get a hotel room to fuck the girl. I lost my virginity too. Yeah. She went just be safe and gave me money. Yeah, but how old is this person? Is this like. He's fucking a bounty hunter, so she can do that. The only times that I would have a hickies from after school would be probably senior year only. Maybe a little bit of junior year, but I didn't fucking till senior year. I'm going to Ian filance for the third time in a row. Eventually it's gotta be Ian. There will one day be Ian or Bobby. Bobby's a piece of shit. I'm going Bobby. He's a snake lawyer. I'm going to get out of doubt going Bobby. Oh. There we go. Bobby looks very happy right now. Oh, the answers are in. Story number three belongs to Ian filance. Yes! I knew it. I am so bad at this. Yes. You did good. You got two points. Did I? Yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah, you tricked two of us. Nice. Got it, Bobby. You're a fool. Ian, tell us about this guy that you hooked up with. Yeah. Contrary to popular belief, Dickhead, it wasn't a guy. They used to be a guy. Transition yet. Pre-op proposed. No. She went back and forth. It was, you know, like in high school you would find a friend. You would like practice with each other. It was like one of those things. And we were fooling around. Who was she? That's right. I want to give you a big cakey. And she did. And then I actually, I said it was a baseball bat. And then the friends, I was like, oh, I got hit the neck with a baseball. I love baseball. I played it as a kid. You gave it as a kid Next story So that would be what you wanted you also lied to your friends. Yeah, why would you lie to the friends? Wouldn't you tell the friends like yeah, it's a fucking Hicky from a from a real-life girl Well cuz we had like we didn't want to tell anyone that we had fooled around it was glee club Can't tell everybody there. Yeah Alex tells her points All right, in last place with two points big J. Oakerson I'm so glad I'm not last In fourth place with three points Brad Williams first the fourth And tied for first place with four points each Lewis J Gomez Fightin's and Robert Katty back in the mix. Oh my god It is heating up big time someone's taking home the secret sex life of a single mom by Delaney Moore Which focuses heavily on the double standards placed on single mothers when it comes to sex and dating More rights openly about her many hookups relationships and they guilt that comes with wanting a sex life Outside of being a parent Yeah Heart felt J. You're so good heart felt you could you could tell me I'm buying an old phone book That was great the lovely Sarah Finale Sarah Finah She's available for bachelor parties Alex Brickus off with story number four, please Story number four One time my cousin and I were head banging and we matched heads together so hard that I got a concussion and had to miss school Was this in a bedroom The theme was bedroom nothing to do with so who would drag their cousin to a bedroom. That's Lewis. No This I had all Puerto Rican cousins none of them had banged. Okay. Yeah, I did head bang though guys debate this all you want I'm just want to make sure it's on record. It's Ian This is Ian finance. Why is everyone gone in for me because this is you my man. Why? It's well when he said head banging everyone thought it was me right away But when Lewis will be happy to tell you is whatever people think I am and I like heavy metal plenty of heavy metal But I am not a jump in the fucking Mick not a head banger hitting and also growing up He was a wigger. He wasn't Wickers hard W Wickers don't head bang now. They jump around. That's a bad man a T-shirt. They get up get up and get down Rest in peace Rob base Wickers don't head bang Ian you were a little punk rock ska kid. I was and he's rubbing your cousin. No I didn't really talk to that much family also if Brad bashed heads with a friend You would have caved his fucking whole head in yeah for what I said I had buttered my cousin in the car I read it's Brad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had buttered my cousin and destroyed his brain with one smash I gave my cousin CTE one shot. I Headburned him and my head didn't stop til I hit his fucking midsection I me-capped my cousin with my head fuck He ended up looking like JFK Back into the left If Brad Williams headbutt you you're gonna die like a terrifying murder This You get a big head. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh The big head I didn't put it in the thing. Yeah, cuz somebody I mean tactically. I mean I was a mistake You heard what I was I clicked the wrong person on the thing. Can you reset? I mean edit this out because I do not want people at home I'm pretty sure that through the new system a final answer is a fine Yo, whoa let it be known. I think this game He did he did fuck up. I will say I washed his hand accidentally hit Bobby Well, and then accidentally lock in he wasn't looking he's retarded. I Hit bot. I thought I had Ian thing and I just clicked it over to do final answer. Yeah, I mean Technically, I mean it just says that we keep technically say he voted Ian now Do you want to be now Alex hates it? Look at how ever you guys want to play it? You're the boss. Why do you live the crowd? Yeah, all right. We're gonna get even up to the ground All right, should Jay be able to change his answer to Ian cuz he accidentally locked in Bobby clap your hands Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait I'm more likely, more likely, you didn't have cousins. - What? - But like, what was Bobby's hair like as a kid though? - Yeah, Bobby, when he was a kid. - He's bald now, but what was the hair like? - Bobby wasn't a head banger. Bobby's like an arrow, Smith. - Yeah. - Nobody's head begging to early beetles. - You know? (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hell can't, yeah. - Come on my baby, come on my darling. Come on my right, I'm getting out. - It's hard to fuck, it's hard to hurt your fucking neck head banging the camp town racist. (laughing) - And several other public domain songs. (laughing) Happy birthday. (laughing) - Should we come around? - Two hits, shame in the air, come. - Star Spangled Banner. - Yeah, absolutely. - Very patriotic. - When the Saints. - When the Saints go marching in, thank you, me and. - Yes. - Brad's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, 'cause we already discussed it, I would destroy a man. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - It also takes a second for his voice to reach us. (laughing) - Can I go? - I'm not familiar with fucking space travel. - I say Lewis, because Lewis was in a band. Lewis was super into, like Osfest, metal music, hanging out, I could imagine him hanging out a little more on his cousins, long hair. - Yep. - Lewis has never had a has to miss school for a concussion from a head bang. You don't want to go to school until everybody how he head bang. - I would. - He's a performative, stupid piece of shit. (laughing) - I was on your side. - I was on your fucking side. - They said no. - It's for the story, it's not you I'm saying. I'm backing you up. - Oh, I didn't work for one of them. (laughing) - I'm going in. - It says me, but I think it's just because it is E and Alex. - Whose story was story number three? - Story number four. - Oh no. (laughing) - I think it's Bobby. - Who longs two? Ian Fighton. (cheering) - Fight. (clapping) - Oh. (laughing) (laughing) - Eggs in light. (laughing) - And turn the eye. - I'm the one who informed everybody he was Ian and then pushed Bobby by accident. - Oh, that makes me so happy. And guess what? I did have cousins. (laughing) - They weren't by blood, it was just family friends. (laughing) - What song were you head banging too? - It smells like Teen Superior by Narana. (laughing) I was showing him out of head banging and I went back and I hit his head and then I was the one with the concussion. - That's, that is it. - I went to the hospital and I had to miss two days of school. (laughing) - But I was staying at his house because I had to take a break from my family. (laughing) - It's no, it's no. - I ended up being a real problem for my relatives that weren't blood relatives. - I assume this is all sorted out in family family. (laughing) - Definitely. - Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. (laughing) - Alex are scores at the half. - All right, in last place with two points. Big, yeah, oh the same. (cheering) - The story where his crowd is unforgiving. - Woo! - Tied for third place with five points. Each, e in finance and Brad Williams. - I would have four points. (clapping) I'm on back. I'm on back. I would have, I would have, I would have had four points. I would have had a reason to be here right now. (laughing) - And tied for first place with six points. Each, Lewis J. Gomez and Robert Kelly. - All right. (clapping) - Good night. - Ian yes. Has someone who has kind of had a hand and you guys winning each round by voting for me? Can we just acknowledge that? (laughing) (laughing) - Yeah, boo, that got nailed it. - That's it. - You got it, good work. - I think it's, this is gonna really kill Jay if he loses my two points. - I wanted that, but I don't give a shit. (laughing) - I'm talking about the secret life. - I'm trying to get callous to life. (laughing) - Alex, we're on our halfway point in the show. - Let's do some plugs real quick with the gas. Bobby Kelly, what do you plug in, my friend? - Uh, just go to punch it. up.live/Robert Kelly and we'll get the end, Ari Shafir's Storytelling Show. Make sure you buy it if you haven't bought it. Oh, yeah. There you go. Brad Williams. Go to my website, Brow Williamscomedy.com. I'm on the tall tales tour the rest of the year. You can watch my new special live on Short Street on my YouTube channel and I have a podcast called Heighten Babble. Please listen to it. Good. Fuck that. Yeah. Infinance. I E-Infinance for all my dates, I am going everywhere for all dates and tickets on the fear and self-loathing tour and I animal six on an Instagram and my travel show, I E-In Do and Odd Guy Do and Odd Jobs is out with YMH Network on youtube.com/eanfinancecomedy and I'm having a blast with it. I'm going all over and having a good time so subscribe to that, check it out and be an Ian with Jordan's a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Fantastic podcast that I was supposed to be on yesterday but Motherfucker got gout. Yes. And guess what? I'm thinking. Big J. Of course. You can catch me on www.bigjacomedy.com, greatest yapper, live tour happening right now. Coming to the city near you, look for a city near you. I'm there. I promise. It never ends. And of course, listen to The Bond Fire, five days a week, Faction Talk series six and 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and the flagship show over here at Guest Digital Legion of Motherfuck and Skank. Yeah. Oh. Oh. And uh, watch the Kevin Hart roast. I'm on it. It's on Netflix. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck Chelsea. Fuck DL UGLY. Big J. Tony Shane. Big J. Tony Shane. And Lizzo for life. Lizzo for life. Lizzo for life is great, dude. Lizzo for life. That's great. Come and see me on the road. Guys, go to my website, Lewis. Skanks.com. Subscribe to Guest Digital. If you love the show, we do a bonus. I'm sorry. We do the pre-release on all of these episodes right on Guest Digital, uncensored and ad-free. All in one place. An on-demand library. We have like 80 episodes that are unavailable anywhere else in the on-demand library. So go to Guest Digital.com and use the promo code War. Or save a couple bucks a month to support the show directly by my book Knives and Spoon available at BarnesandNobles.com or at Amazon.com. Get the coffee. Center for my mailing list. Check out all the other pods that I do. And that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Well. I have a cooking book coming out called Spoons and Knives. And that'll be coming out on McMillan Press. Nice. All different flon recipes for one of the country. You guys probably think I don't even give a fuck anymore because I'm out of this game. But that's not true. You're going to come back. No, I can't come back. I could be in the lead in one round because as I guess most people here probably know for the second half of the show, we go double points. Thank you roots. Yeah. Yeah, first half you'd get two points every time we get sort of correctly, one point for every person who fooled. But Bobby, what happens in the second half double points? I do a little one man shows over here every time. I have a good time with that. I really do love that. All right. So what do you say we get going here so I can take the lead back in this bitch. All right. Next story number five. Story number five. I was halfway out of my second story bedroom window planning to commit suicide after my bike broke on the day that I got it. My mother walked in and told me that the fall wouldn't kill me. Brad. It's gotta be Brad loose. I think he would bounce, he would just bounce. No, if it was it was it was off his porch it would kill Brad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off a curb. I'm dead. Like if Brad falls off a couch, he's going to break his legs. Yeah. Anything is a death warrant for me. Oh my God. This is just so sick. Second story bedroom. So they were doing well. So it's not Louis. Well, you know what is Louis breaks everything he touches calm down he's definitely going to commit suicide. Definitely. This is one of several times a little dramatic rattlesnake. My only problem of picking Louis here and is the same reason why I say you might be a fool to pick me halfway out of the second story bedroom window. I have no if I started hanging from the window and go I'm going to make the decision when I'm hanging. I'm dying. I'm not pulling myself back up the window. I don't think I was trying to get back up that window. No, you didn't. Yeah, you're right. Not then you didn't. Well, you were a fat, lip-bring cowboy that didn't have you were a golf cowboy. This is that's when I was like, you would crack like a Cadbury egg. So I, a couple things, couple things, number one, I never had a second story in any home that I lived in. I lived in apartments every time you looked at your place on the thing. You had two floors? What what thing? We looked where you lived and fucking wherever on Google Earth on Skanks. Oh, no, I lived in an apartment on the second floor once. Oh, second floor. I mean, second story bedroom. Come to my window. That doesn't mean the first story, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I think I got you. I'm going to kill myself. I think I got you, Louis. I'm actually glad that you're losing now. Me too. Wait until you're fucking back. I don't care either. We're in a tiff. I'm glad. The story was wrapping up tiff. Have any stories been bobby, though, yet? No. Doesn't matter. Some people have won the game with no stories before. Can you? No, I already voted sucks. Who'd you vote for? No, dude. Have they done three stories in a row from the same person? Absolutely. Yeah, you. They did on me. You in Nashville. Yeah, you got three stories in a row. I did that. The autistic kid is nodding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he knows. He's the official record keeper of story wars. He's called that guy a beautiful mind Thomas. Yeah. 100%. 100% you. 100% you. So they've done. I feel good, bobby. I don't feel bad about what I've done at all. That fucker, Louis. Trains. I'm telling you. I love you. You guys, you jumped to voting for this thing. Who's there? I mean, let me finish. Jump to Keseleon's penis. Listen to me. I mean, I don't think I had a bike since I was seven years old. Yeah, and it broke and you threatened to kill yourself. Yeah. So they wouldn't buy you a new one. This is all retarded. You guys are wasting all of your votes right now. Defensive. Very defensive. And I do believe that guy is really good at organizing shit. Like. He's got a point at me. Your point at me, sir. Yeah. So when it's not me, you're actually leaving the fucking room right now. You get to shit. Holy shit. Fuck out. That's so mean. That's so mean. You're ready to fucking bounce him because it's not me. I thought that was Paco for the last 15 minutes. Oh my God. Two-bucked. Paco, Paco. Two-bucks. I'd say Paco pizza. I think this is Bobby Kelly. Maybe. Hasn't had a story yet. Hmm. He's also a macabre asshole. But yeah. But yeah. Bobby very dramatic. Never ever ever thought about suicide in my life. He wasn't afraid. Bobby does love himself and he was not afraid of his mom for sure. Yeah. It's either Lewis or Ian and I just, I wish I went with Ian because I don't think Lewis. There's no way to another Ian store. There's been three Ian. I submitted a lot. Lot of things happen like that in stories. It's Lewis. It's a hundred percent Lewis. I don't know. I think it might be Brad. It could also be Brad. It could be a little Brad. You told me the possibility is Brad. How could they find a bike to fit me? A tricycle. It's probably a very special-- I don't know. They probably stole it from a California race. Listen. I don't know. You never know. It's a bike that the whole town got together to make you for your birthday and you probably would feel pretty bad if you broke it. Brad still drives around on a big wheel. Yeah. Hey, man. It gets good mileage. Pass it expensive. Fucking hell. Biking's biking, dude. No one's judging. They're walked in and told me the fall wouldn't kill me. Yeah. I'm going to go. Bobby Kelly. Second story. This is a person with a full house. All right, everybody is in. Alex. Story number five belongs to Robert Kelly. Damn it. I knew it. Damn it. And dammit. Damn it. Damn it. I'm not a story yet. Bobby has definitely been suicidal at least three times since I've known him. Yeah. He feels hard. I bought him. Three times since you've known him. When I got out of rehab, I worked at a styrofoam factory for like six months. That was your dream. I had a retarded guy with my boss and I took the money and I bought a bike so I could get to my AA meetings and I broke and I was so sad I was hanging out the second floor window. And I remember I put my bureau in front of the door and my mom pushed the bureau and she just stuck ahead and she goes, "Honey, it's the second floor, you're just going to get hurt." And then she left. She left. She left. She didn't even check to make sure you -- No, because I went, I looked out and I was like, "Yeah, that's going to suck." [ Laughter ] I'm also terrified of heights. I'm never hanging out of a window that's crazy. Honey, get back in. Get back in. I can't get back in. Honey, it's a clock. radio, you're just gonna get a zap. That was one of the sets. Do you remember that? I felt that video so much. Remember that viral video? The one of the guy that was doing like par-corey type shit or something like building climbing. And he was hanging off the top of a building. And just after a while, we tried to pull himself up. He just did have the arm strength and just falls out of the camera. And you're like, well, what a nightmare. Why would you ever try that? I've never done a pull-up in a controlled environment. We know. Fuck, I should have gone, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, that was a good guess on my end, thanks. You nailed it. Alex, where are our points at? Who's in the last place, you chwot? Well. Sorry, Alex, I'm sorry. That was too much. That was too much. You do love this, though. In last place, with two points. Big J. Overson. Hey, to be fair, it could have been four points and he still would have been in last place. Yeah, true. But I wouldn't-- My mind, you have four points. I'm doing the math the whole time. Doesn't matter. It's still sucks. Tied for third place with five points each. Ian, finance, and Brad Williams. Can we also consider that maybe everybody would have less points if not only did I not accidentally vote for Bobby when I meant Ian, but I didn't talk you guys on it all into the idea that it was definitely Ian. Like, I fucked up double there. Yeah. Double points. I fucked up earlier and that guy booed me and ever since that had been in my head. You have to be a story warrior to trigger double points. You can't say double points. I can say double points. [CHEERING] And Jake can say double points. [CHEERING] They had to do it for me or else it's a hate crime. Double points. [CHEERING] Yes! Yes! I have someone worse than me. [LAUGHTER] Double points. [CHEERING] I've got to earn it. I've got to earn it. I've got to earn it. I'm going to pull a Bobby and jump out my second floor window. [LAUGHTER] You're just going to get gout and your other toe, dude. [LAUGHTER] Alex. In second place with 10 points, Lewis J. Gomez. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm eight points behind. And in first place with 12 points, Robert Cowley. Yeah. [CHEERING] Crazy. Crazy. [APPLAUSE] Let's take a moment to think of Brunt Workwear for supporting today's show. Brunt Workwear, just truly the best in the game. I mean, best boots I've ever worn in my entire life. Super, super comfortable. They also have jackets. They have pants. They have everything you need. But what you need to do right now is you need to check out the Brunt Potty of Gold Sweepstakes. From now until September 18th, Brunt is giving one lucky winner $50,000. Ooh. Entering is completely free, but every dollar you spend earns more entries. Just create a Brunt account or use your current one to get started. You just hit over to BruntWorkwear.com to enter. It's that easy. It's 100% risk-free trial. That is how confident Brunt is in their boots. So if you haven't checked out Brunt, now is the perfect time. Brunt boots are workwear. It's tough enough for any job. Sipa comfy enough to live in all day long. Instead of a thousand times like a comfy broken-in pair of sneakers right out of the box. For a limited time, story warriors can get $10 off at Brunt when you use the Code Wars with a Z at checkout. W-A-R-Z. That's heading over to BruntWorkwear, BRUN-T, workwear.com. Use the Code Wars, and you're all set. And while you're there, enter the Brunt Potty of Gold Sweepstakes for your chance to win $50,000. Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. I love Body Brain Coffee here in Story Wars. And I'll tell you right now, I don't know if my mind could ever be sharper. And I really do attribute it to Body Brain Coffee. I don't know if I'd have so many Story Wars victories if I had not been drinking Body Brain Coffee every single day. It is real, freeze-dried, premium, Colombian coffee, delicious coffee that we start with. And we've added new tropics and adaptogens that will help you boost your testosterone naturally, brain function, memory, mood. It really is a great product. Go look at our reviews on Amazon. Our reviews on Shopify, people love Body Brain Coffee. Is that your trick? Is that your Story Wars trick? I think that's why I'm so good at Body Brain Coffee. Because I'm putting it through my butt, it's not getting to my brain. It's a lot more body. Because your body looks better. I'm getting mostly body. I'll do it. My body is coursing with this coffee. Maybe just going through the other end, maybe you're right. Maybe it's not making it all the way to your brain. Might not be reaching my brain. Interesting. Maybe trying to be here? Well, I am the science. I'll give it a shot. Either way, you drink it hot, cold, put it in a protein shake. And I love it. I drink it every day. Just one simple cup of coffee per day is going to replace your four or five cup of day habit. Go to BodyBringCoffee.com right now and use the promo code War20WAR200 to save 20% off your order today. If you subscribe, you're going to get 20% off and get free shipping for life. And check this out. If you don't like it, we're going to be a 30 day money back guarantee. Just simply shoot us an email, say, hey, I did not like it. Send it back. If you want your money, we don't want your money. If you don't like BodyBringCoffee, that's how much we believe in our product. BodyBringCoffee.com. Use that promo code War20 for 20% off. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six. Story number six. I once painted my room a very strange color and filled it with things that I rented from rent a center that I couldn't afford. Lewis. Those things were all repossessed by the store. Lewis. I was left with an empty, shit-brown, painted room. Oh, my God. It is. Oh, my God. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. Oh, you're in a center. Lewis, you are poor. I was. I was. I was. I was. But I wasn't painting my room. That wasn't happening ever. To this day. I don't have any water in the room. No, just painting the room. Alex, you know, non-worker. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just not my ADHD will not allow me to paint a room ever, ever, ever. How? Lewis, you were talking about my ADHD three months ago. It's not true. I had ADHD my whole life. I wasn't doing things like that. That damn heavy dick. I'm trying to get him on my side. It's a thinker. It's a thinker. How old are you? 41. No. No. No. Renaissance. That's the other thing. Yeah. I think everyone's in the age group that could go to Renaissance. Yeah. I did live in a halfway house in Newport, Delaware. Mm. Oh, that's all right. But Brad currently lives in a halfway house. Haha. All my homes are halfway homes. Halfway. That's very true. Half-size. Come on folks. But wait, who had the black light? That was Ian, right? Lewis. Lewis. Oh, that was you. Oh, that might not be you. Unless you, because of your ADHD, you were constantly changing your room. No. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. That's like a black guy thing. Yeah, Jay. Jay grew up. Jay grew up in like a lower middle class household. Yeah. But he grew up in an area where they had three Renaissance. Probably. And he probably painted it brown. There was for sure a Renaissance center by me. Yeah. Yeah. But this seems like not like a kid. Like this seems like your first. Don't you have to have an incredible credit for this? Renaissance center. I don't think so. I think Renaissance is specifically for poor people. Oh. This guy knows. This is me from the past that showed up to tell us. Oh, my God. To tell us how it was back then. Oh, thank you, sir. Lewis, he's wearing the robe. He's warning you. Yeah, I'm getting big J vibes on this just because I know for a fact you had a Renaissance center in your neighborhood. I walk it in. I think you didn't have a Renaissance center. Everyone had one at least. But I wouldn't even know the process of a Renaissance. Do you know what I can tell you? I can tell you. I know it was a whole coke and a chore equipment told me it would be fine. And the commercials. I think I think it's Bobby because this screams trying to get back on your feet after a suicide attempt. Get some good furniture. Feel good. Lebanese. You want to watch Starsky and Hodge? So you fucking bring yourself a tube TV? Yep. Yep. It's not Brad. No, I never rented. No. And you can't paint to the ceiling. That's very true. The head ladder. If there's a Renaissance center, Bobby, there's ladders. That's too much work. Brad, did you grow up poor? No. You family had money? Yeah. Wow. Did they keep it in a big pot under the rainbow? Yeah. That's how we had money. Folks. What? Noise. That's how we get it. All Forbes are rich. You guys don't fucking know. That's great. I mean, I wanted to think this is Lou. I think I voted for you though. You fucking time almost. You've been wrong almost every time. No shit. Never, never, never once went to Renaissance center. Well, I would say, they're saying it's a bad credit place. I would have guessed not you for the same reason not me. I fucked up my credit immediately. I turned 18 and I went to Macy's and they gave me a credit card. Not even the card. They gave me the number. And I bought Timberlands for my fucking Wigger Girlfriend. Oh, my God. And I didn't have credit against 'til I was 38 years old. Oh. But Big J paints his nails. So he's used to painting. That is true. This is new. And I have an Asian lady paint my nails. I will say, the reason I'm going to paint my nails. big J vibes here, Rhana Center, and then describing the color of shit brown. -Shit brown. -I feel like that is a big J sort of description. -Oh, thanks. I'll take credit for that. You think I created a shit brown? -I don't know. I think you splurged your load on this one. -I'm going. -Bobby. -Shit is a multitude of different shades. -Shit brown does something like a Barbie Bobby statement. -Dude, I love the shit brown, dude. -Shit brown, dude. -Okay, yeah. It's starting to sound right. -Yeah. Maybe. -We get a knockdown. -The Rhana Center seems like a thing that was, like, I don't know. By the age I was at when I'd been decorating a room. I don't think Rhana Center was the thing I would have thought of. -I would also say that if it was my story. -Totally. It might be your story for that reason. -Oh, Brad, you fool. -Yeah, Brad might be right. Go, press my name. See what happens. -See what happens. -Yeah. You'll just get points. -I don't think Jay would go to Rhanta Center. Lewis couldn't go because he couldn't afford it. -Well, I'm just going to say the fucking place for pieces of shit. -Yeah, I know it's pieces of shit, but he would just collect trash and ask other people to buy a shit. -Now, I'm worried it's not Bobby, because he's really hanging on. You're doing one left. -I think it's Ian. -Good, think it's Ian. -You guys are letting Jay rack up points, you fucking idiots. He was basically done. It was going to be a four-man game. Alex, all of our answers are in. -Why do you get like this? -Story number six. -It's Big Jay. Fuck. -Fuck. -Big Jay. -What I fucking don't tell you, Ian. You fools. -Shit Brown. -Shit Brown. -Shit Brown. -Shit Brown. -Shit Brown. -If you believe, and I believe, and we all believe, I want Jay to win. -My mom and stepop said I could paint my room. If I did it myself, they don't care where I painted it. And for some reason, I picked a color called, and I mean this, King Kong Brown. -That's right. -Shit Brown. -I painted everything except the popcorn and the ceiling. It made the room so small-feeling. -Fuck. -And then I loaded it up with a DVD player, cabinet system, fucking double-CD, or the CD carousel would come out. I went, Hulk Hogan said, "I can go to rennestown, those give me whatever if I get like 15 bucks." But you got to give rennestown, I don't know if it's always the case, it was weekly. So they were coming to me for like, everything in the scene, I was like, "Oh, this is $9 a week, or $10 a week, or $15 a week, it seemed like no big deal." But then they started coming for like $75 a week, because I fucking decked my shit out. And then one day, if you don't pay it, rennestowner shows up with a truck and takes it all away from you. And they humiliate you in front of your whole family, Hulk Hogan didn't say that. -And then there you are in an empty shit brown room. -I have a shit brown room, which is a fucking bed, no, they took my bed frame, everything. I loaded my fucking room up with exclusively rennestowner shit. That's sad, brother. -See, you guys are forgetting that Jay is the same piece of shit that I am, is why we were meant to be friends. -Yeah. -Wow. -What color was it? -Shit brown. -King Kong, it was called. King Kong brown. -That's wild. Ironically, a color Hulk Hogan would never paint a room. -Oh, no. But if you know he knows, he's gonna have to accept that color might be fucking his daughter. -Alex, six stories down, where are our points at now? -Hulk Hogan was more of a fan of rooftop Korean yellow. -The Watts riots? Hello? 92? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Tied for fourth place, with five points each, E in finance and Brad Williams. -Last place. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, no. Not last place. Tied for fourth. -In third place with eight points, Big Jay Ogerson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Should be 10. -I didn't even think about that. I forgot to believe you about that. I'm going to hang real over again. Alex, please. -It's a second place with 12 points. Robert Kelly. [ Cheers and applause ] -What the fuck? -And in first place with 14 points, Lewis, Jay, Gomez. -Well done. Damn. Two more stories. You guys have a good time? [ Cheers and applause ] -Alex, story number seven. -Story number seven. I shared a bedroom with my mother, up until I was 12 years old. I used to jerk off silently as she slept. [ Laughter ] It's one of these two over here. -I mean, if you guys read my book, "Knives and Spoons," you would know that there's no way this is me. I had my own bedroom, and I had a porn collection in the ceiling. It was not my mother's bedroom. -Yeah, but sometimes you got -- so you used to the porn, you needed to mix it up. So you wanted to go jerk off to your mom. [ Laughter ] This slaps of Ian to me big time. And Ian, did you share -- Did you share -- -So we painted it together, yeah? -No, my dad died when I was eight. Thank you. -Thank you. -This guy hates your gutsy. -Yeah. What the fuck? Can you share a rock? -Pose a picture recently, though. Look, a lot like your -- You post a picture recently. -Yeah, yeah. -I'm the 30th anniversary of his death. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah, man. You guys look a lot alike, yeah. -Yeah. Ian, you were a adorable kid. -Oh, you're really sweet. Thanks, Jay. I had, like, that weird disease where the baby dies in nine days. -Oh, my God. -His eyes were all bugged out. -Oh, my God. -What was that? A harlequin baby. You look like a harlequin baby. [ Laughter ] -With a muscle. -Louis. -I thought you were cute, but maybe you look like your heart's outside of your child. -No. Jay, you're very sweet. Louis, your mother's in hell. [ Laughter ] -If there's a hell, she fits all the criteria. -Oh, yeah. -My mother is sucking your dad's dick in hell right now. [ Laughter ] -Well, she must have to go up to heaven to do it, because my dad is an angel. [ Laughter ] -He is an angel, and he's looking down over you every night to make sure you were okay while your mom slept and you pounded the puff next to her. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -I'm also getting fucked. -Oh, my God. -Your first instincts, Bobby, though. -My first instincts is Bobby. -Bobby's mother didn't love him. I don't know if she does today. -His dad knows dad left at one point. Bobby's got, like, mommy issues, specifically. -I didn't jerk off of me. -Bob, fucking nuts. -Bob! -Hold on. -I didn't jerk off in the bed with my mom. What are you nuts? -Oh, fuck you. -No, you have to stand up over the trash can. -You think Bobby voted face after me? -Or him, because he was, like, a little baby in the bed with your mom. [ Laughter ] -She didn't know you wish well? [ Laughter ] -He's not aging this kid. -Well, Brad -- -Brat Cartoon is just forever five. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Bart Simpson. -It's in the inner, Bobby. -Yeah. -Brad grew up with money. So he would jerk off in a different wing of his house. -True. -And Bobby -- -The jerk off wing. -The jerk off. The jerk off court. -Yes. -Bobby definitely did this. It's not saying you laid next to her and jerked off, but you definitely jerked off in a room where your mom pretended to be a son. [ Laughter ] -Oh, that was your guy's sick fucking game? [ Laughter ] -I was gonna say, Ian's already -- I'm almost playing the numbers here. Ian's already had two stories in. -It's rare, but it's rare that three pop up. -I know, but look at Bobby's space ring. -Oh, yeah. -I mean, it's just your memory. -I'm just trying to jerk it off with my mom. -That does make you cheese. -Bobby, did you share a room with your mom at any point? -What? -Oh, yeah! -All right. -Oh, yeah. -I'm gonna be honest with you. -Yeah. -Yes, I did. But my sister is there, too. -Oh. -Unit's only the story of her mom. -Even hotter. -I'm gonna go up to the story later around tonight. -It's not me. -Look, and I'm a piece of shit. But that's garbage. -Everybody disagree? -You played the hand with the card you were down. -You said Ian, what do you only want to disagree? Alex? -Everybody's ancestors are in. -Story number seven. Belongs two. Lewis, Jay. [ Cheers and applause ] -Had it from the beginning. -Oh, yeah. I shared a room with my mom. [ Laughter ] -For the second week in a row, Lewis has gotten so far ahead. There is no point in eighth story. -Dude, I'm fuck you. Because you were like, "If you've read my book, you know." And I was like, "Well, he's really pushing this book." -Yeah, it must be. -No, no, no, no. If you read my fucking book, it pieces, man. -No of us has read his book. -Yeah, terrible. -Ran of his friends. -I'll be right the forward. You didn't even read the fucking book. -I read that one, "Chap, do you force me to LL?" -Yeah. Yeah, I shared a room with my mom 'til I was about 12. I started jerking off when I was maybe 10 or 11. -Why? -And so it was two twin beds. I actually -- It was funny. I did have a bedroom, but I just wanted to share -- -You should get hard. -I wanted to share -- -You can't finish unless your mom's next year. -Yeah. -The bedroom was for the robe. -Yeah. -No, that was different. We moved into another apartment with the robe later on. This one was a little bit younger. -With robe? -And I used to jerk off. -We didn't get robes. -I even -- I was jerking off so much, like thinking she was sleeping to the point where -- one day she said to me, she was like, "Hey, if you ever want to be alone, like, you know. I'll be dead soon. So if you could just not pound your dick next to me, and so I eventually kick out from H." She literally told me one day, I forget the words she exactly is, but she was like, "You're the reason I do drugs." She's like, "There's a lone time, and then there's like mama's in the bed next year's time." It wasn't even the same bed. We shared the same bedroom. We had two twin beds. Like a couple on the 40s on TV. Oh, yeah, Lucy and Desi pounded and fucking caught next to me. Big fan, thank you, mama. Holy shit, what a fucking jump, everyone. Let's, Alex, give us our scores. All right. Todd, it's hide for fourth place with five points each. Ian Fydance and Brad Williams. Get your stink off me! And third place with eight points. Should be ten. Should be ten. Big J. Oakerson. In second place with twelve points, Robert Kelly. Fuck. Fuck. I hate how you want to win this game. Yeah, he gets so into it. He did already. And in first place with twenty two points, Lewis, Jay Gomez. Crazy. Jay, tell me about the book that I just won. Single moms are women and women at needs. The secret sex life of a single mom is ultimately about someone trying to reclaim parts of herself she lost during marriage. Mainly when it comes to sex and intimacy. More argues that motherhood does not erase a woman's desire even if society often expects it to. Well pay your bills, everybody, because Lewis is going to be taking on that book. It's going to stay here in the story where it's all right for sure. But what? We have one more story. Would you have one more story? You guys want one more story? I can see your sister's tits. I swear to God I can't. I swear to God I can't I swear to God I can't I swear to God. It was like, it wasn't full. We didn't see nipple, but I will say like we saw like the bra, but like black bra. Yeah, for sure, but there was an indentation because it was like the tip was like bottoming out because she was leaning over. Guys, guys, guys, stop. She's an innocent audience member and Lewis can't sleep with his mom and jerk off to this stuff just chill. We all have to sit him out in the room with a little lepid in my power to sweetheart. Alex for no reason whatsoever except fun story number eight. I've had a woman punch me in the face in her sleep multiple times. Brad, I'd be dead if a woman. No, no, no, it's definitely Brad because she was trying to get coins to pop out. Oh, in her sleep, I feel like this is Bobby's got a wife living with years of resentment. And she's pretending to be asleep like my mom. She pretends to be asleep and punches Bobby in his face over and over and over again until she feels she has gotten her penance. That's my thoughts. Brad, we did find out Brad dated a crazy bitch before. So maybe this is a theme in Brad's life. We don't know. We don't know a ton of that Brad. I'll tell you what I do know it seems like women aren't afraid of you, my man. You're going to have to change that. You're going to have to step up and drop a bitch publicly so they know fuck around and find out. Brad, I'm coming to Missouri to fucking punch you. I can't, we're getting back together. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. I'm going to eat your fingernails. I can't, I can't fight a woman now because my wife's a martial arts instructor. Oh, is she? Yeah, but you have the power of magic. It is true. You do have three wishes to make her go. What's up, a martial arts, Mr. Teach? A fourth Don Black belt and Taekwondo. Happy endings? Always, my friend. This is fucking Bobby Kelly. You think it's a resentful. He has a wife who does not enjoy him. And she pretends to be asleep when he comes home and socks him in the face. Oh, she is. She hit me and hit her back. Yeah. Oh, yeah, but you're not going to tell that in the fucking story. That's crazy. Why wouldn't I? Well, plausible. No, I ability to. When we all have to go to court because we get subpoenaed, we can say, I don't know. He said he doesn't hit her. I think it's, I think it's, I think it's you. I think it's you. If somebody punched Brad in the head, they break their hand possible. Facts in what? Punchable. Yeah. Yeah. A woman that punches Ian has man strength. So yeah, because a woman I sleep with as a man. So all Louis, all the punches from women on Lewis have come probably deservedly. And I'm almost every woman of the way. I've gotten to punch me in the face. But why do I wait? Yeah. Yeah, make a conscious sense to the hits. Yeah. Well, no, I specifically like say something really rancid to them that I put my face out. And then they hit me. So then I have that over them. Now I get to hit them one day. Dude, you remember that girl's tit? That's great. Mess. Mess. It was a great tit. It was really nice. Sir, your sister's got great tips. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're not related? Oh, you're kidding. Oh, your best friends. Oh, he's furious. Oh, he's so mad that we saw your tips and eating. That's great. Let him do that. Man, Jay just saw her double points. Stop booing him. Guys and girls can be best friends and have a podcast that ruins our friendship. I think it's Brad. His wife knows Karate and she takes it out on him. And I want to know. It's a kicking martial. It's all the same. I've had a woman. This isn't saying ex-girlfriend. The way it's worded, I think whoever story this is, it's their current wife or girlfriend. And that's why I'm getting Brad or Bobby vibes on this. Yeah. But Brad, I'm getting more of a Brad vibe. Let's see. I'm getting, I agree with you with that it being Bobby. I just feel like this is a way out for his wife to hit him. She's a Boston animal who can't wait to attack. Yeah. Yeah, but Brad's only had like one story. Everybody's had so many stories. Brad's only had one story. Well, I mean, you know, Brad, it's Brad. I'm getting Brad vibes. She probably woke up and realized she was just a midget and he's got to punch in it. Oh, leprechaun. We're throwing a strong up saw me. What did I do? It's Willow. Alex over answers are in. Story number eight belongs to Brad Williams. Yes. Wow. And Lewis, you can really read people because there's a reason why I didn't say my wife because it is her. Yeah. My wife. Yeah, she has punched me in the face and then I wake her up and go, you just punched me in the face and she goes, no, I didn't. I'm like, oh, so I'm a psycho person with a black guy who's waking you up and accusing you. And then a smoke bomb goes off and she goes, you see a nothing. I've been thought about, and I don't want to assume the only one of your friends who have said this. Have you thought about hitting her? Well, she's awake and maybe the lesson would sink in subliminally. I would never worry. Sorry. I just spent some time in the deep self. She said, show me fluff the pillow. Show me. Make it the cement. It's happened multiple times, too. Love it. I'm the only person that didn't vote for Brad. Yes, you know. Hey, I didn't vote for Brad either. So you're good. I can go back to the R show. Jay it stuck at Bobby again. Fucking blew it. Alex, what are our final scores? All right. In last place with seven points. Brad Williams. You're not last. Shut up. And fourth place with eight points. Should be ten. Should be ten. Should be ten. Big J. Ogerson. I'm such a brat. That's such a fucking queer. In third place with nine points. Ian, five dance. No one else cracked double digits. It's the best I've ever done. I did you, loser. Sorry. In second place with sixteen points. Sixty. Robert Kelly. Wow. And your winner tonight with twenty six points. Lewis. Jay Gomez. (audience cheers and applauds) He's in Cahoots. He's in Cahoots. (laughs) - Barcar. - Louis J. Gomez, once again, your story warrior, the night mixing noise for him, killing it. (audience cheers and applauds) - Killing it, of course. (audience cheers and applauds) - How about a big round of applause for our amazing fucking panel, Ian Finance. (audience cheers and applauds) Brad Williams. (audience cheers and applauds) The great Robert Kelly. (audience cheers and applauds) - We're story warriors, I'm Big J. Alkersten. - I'm Louis J. Gomez. - I'll catch you guys next time, until then peace. (audience cheers and applauds) (upbeat music)