(BONUS) The Natalie Harp Letters are Crazier Than We Thought

And then there's more we got to dive into in just a minute. But first, let me thank a sponsor and say, you know, August is a great time for a reset before fall gets chaotic. And my closet, it could use some adult supervision. That's where today's sponsor, Quince, comes in. Quince makes fewer, better pieces from premium materials, the things you'll reach for constantly. And I really like their staples like organic cotton tees and Mongolian cashmere sweaters that work all day and into the evening. Or basically clothes that make you look put together without looking like you spent an hour planning it. Their denim and tailored chinos start at $60 with a fit structure and quality that you'd expect from a luxury designer brand. And then you've got things like the cotton silk short sleeve crew neck sweater. I've been wearing that thing everywhere. Though even that is when I'm not living in their performance tanks. 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But what started as this small part of a John Ossoff speech where he was highlighting how the president's doing every single thing except taking care of the people who elected him has become a firestorm that's exposed so much, including the kind of drunkenness. There's a chunk on loyalty and power sycophants who surround the president. And actually, at our recent Portland Live show, we walked through the breaking news of that old photo showing her running after the president while he was in a golf cart and what are reportedly letters that she wrote to Trump that just, oh my God, shed light on their relationship, the inner workings of his circle, and how deep this goes. And these letters, one, need to be experienced in full. Two, they're just something that we all need to experience together because they are truly batshit. And three, well, every step, every show on our Crashing Now tour that we're doing right now is a completely unique show because we're breaking down and reacting to the news with you. I want to give you all a small taste since some of you all have been asking what the shows actually are and we're, you know, we're not posting the full shows anywhere. So one, buckle up for this insane ride. And two, if you haven't already, get your tickets at CrashingNowTour.com. I got a link in the description as well as the top comment. There's even a handy-dandy QR code for you because we're going to be performing in Boston and then Philadelphia this Friday and Saturday. And then in the coming weeks, one after another, we're going to be in San Francisco, California, Phoenix, Arizona, Denver, Colorado, Atlanta, Georgia, Chicago, Illinois, St. Paul, Minnesota, Washington, D.C. and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. How are we starting this show, Phil? Well, oh, God. Oh. Well, I think more and more people are learning about it because we are going to talk about, first up, come on. Oh, man. Yeah. First up, we got to talk about Natalie Harp, the human printer turned human sprinter. Yeah. This has been, this keeps going. This keeps going. This is the most insane thing. She turned into Terminator. Terminator 2. She's like, I need John Connor. I mean, Baron. She's just, this has been wild. And the part I think that's been crazy about who the fuck is Natalie has been that it keeps going. But it's all their fault. Like, you had John Ossoff just saying that Trump and Natalie, they want to go on a plane together. It's, like you said on the podcast, it's like three words out of a very, very. And travel with Natalie. Yeah. That was it. And they immediately were like, how? How dare you say she gets fucked in the mouth? It's like, what? Scott Jennings, like, she's not in the scat. He was very specific. He got very specific. Like, she has never once been paid to suck toes. It's like, what the hell's happening here? The thing is, I will say this. I want to say this at the very, very top. First thing, all opinions that are said by me are solely mine. Yes. You should not hold the venue. Philip DeFranco, LLC, is not. He's just sitting near me. So that being said, I don't think the president is having an affair with Natalie Hart. She's too old. You're so, you're sad. Oh. And I want every single one of you to log back into your Facebook. Make a Minions meme and post it. Post it where your aunts post. Find those mommy Facebook groups and get in there. And just say, no, I'm here to defend Natalie Hart's honor. She's too old for our pedophile president. That's what you got to do. I like you were like, I know how to get Portland riled up. Yeah. It was either going to be this or meth. But no, Natalie, you know, she's an executive assistant to the president. Totally normal relationship, as we learned. Because in addition to this photo from, what was it, Scotland? Which is, this photo, by the way, is years old. Yeah, it's from 2023. This is from 2023. This is what's driving me crazy. This is from three years ago. Back when you could trust lettuce. What's crazy about this, though, is like, all of this stuff has just been out there. And none of the journalists have been covering it. They've just been like, oh, okay. Yeah, today, okay, what did the president, today the president killed 150 kids by bombing an illegal war, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, what was that? No, Natalie, I don't need a Diet Coke. No, you haven't eaten in four days? That's crazy. Like, you want to wear his skin? Okay, shut the fuck up, Natalie. We're talking about the war that we're not covering. Yeah, well, I was going to say, because some of the stuff you're referencing is from, I don't know if you guys, have you guys actually read the letters? I'm seeing some people that haven't read them fully, because they're fucking crazy. Because, and this is, as I read them, I was like, oh, no, she's not fucking him, but she is fucked in the head. Yes. Does anyone, okay, does anyone remember the movie Single White Female? Yes. Okay, cool. A few people had VHS players. All right, nice. I have a feeling that he's going to walk into the Oval one day, and she's going to be standing there with a red tie and, like, orange makeup on, and being like, I'm doing what you've always wanted. We can do mirror stuff together. She wants to wear his skin. This shit's crazy. Should we go through it? Yes. I think, I think we need a dramatic reading. Oh, dramatic? Because I think, well, I was like, I can't do dramatic. Phil, I need you to understand. Phil, I need you to understand something. Many people in this room, many people in this room have been getting the news from you for 20 years. Sorry. And so, I think that you are the only voice that they would believe reading two full pages of the ramblings of a 35-year-old white female stalker who also is apparently maybe his best friend. Might be. Yeah. Okay, so here we go. I'm not going to do a voice. No, you don't need to do a voice. Dear Mr. No. Dear Mr. President, I'm sorry. I thought I was the only one left behind last night and had no idea Margo's car was also pulled over and sent back to the airport. Since I was alone in the van outside Customs without my passport, I panicked and should have just called Secret Service instead of you. Okay, wait. Hold on. What did she think? She has Tiger Woods? I have a problem. I better call the president. No. There's so many people in the way. So, this is an apology? She freaked out? She didn't have her passport? Yeah. So, there's that. And she says, I also am sorry if I was an embarrassment walking the course in Scotland. Oh, from the photo. Yes. That was a walk? Well, yeah. I don't know. That was a very aggressive walk. Look at that face. That's a walk? Yeah. Actually, look. I see it in the hips. No, that is not a walk. No. Under the international rules. Hold on. Under the international rules of speed walking, one of the. Both. One foot has to be on the ground the entire time. She is clearly jogging. I'm turning into masculine Chris Fleming. She's clearly. Oh, no. The first day, I was told there were no carts and people walked, which is why I walked. The second day, I was specifically asked by, I forget who his name was, but one of the main people who worked there, if I could continue walking and tell any girls who would head out there to do the same to spare the course any more carts. Wait. She's like. Hold on. Sorry the girls are inconveniencing everybody. Hold on. Someone who works. This is Trump's golf course in Scotland. So someone there was like, oh, Lassie, we need the carts. I don't know how to do this accent. I was like, what is that? I don't feel comfortable with this accent. And Portland's real woke. You're the first person to get canceled for a Scottish accent? For a Scottish accent? Yes. Some guy walked up to Natalie Harp and was like, hey, we need the carts for our paying customers, not women. And she was like, I'm so sorry. That's fucking crazy. She continues, if there is anything else I have done to cause you trouble, please forgive me. I know that some people have said I haven't been texting them back and there have been some international cell issues. John was having technical issues on the plane too, so asked me to help him out. I want things. Oh, man. I want things to always be right between us. What? I want things to always be. Okay, just. If I got a text from any woman that said, I want things to always be right between us, I'd be dead. Yeah. Oh, dude, there's a series of knife bushes that would be emptied into my chest for my wife if there was a text. But also, she's an employee. Yes. If producer Ben texted us that, he'd be fired before I even put a reaction gift in. I want things to always be right against us. and it's just me and I'm just like, Ooh, as a gif. And then it touches on something you mentioned. I also know I've been distracted all week, forgetting to eat throughout the days and even forgetting to sleep and only catching a couple hours at a time. I haven't been myself, dwelling on the past and losing the pain of losing my dad, and I started letting the remarks of people who haven't bothered me before get to me, not because I care what others think, but because I see myself being lowered in your eyes and good opinion. This is your boss again. Yeah. Also lowered in your eyes? This is turning into one of those John Holmes movies. I feel like she should be on the South Lawn holding a boombox over her head. In your eyes, the light, the heat. That's what I feel like should be happening. She should be standing next to a giant pit that used to be the East Wing and be like, your ballrooms are beautiful. We'll get them from Casey Musgraves. They'll hang from the. All right. I'm the only one who saw that? Okay. Her tour started yesterday, too. That was a random shot. Yeah, I'm just mad at certain people. I'm just mad. Nobody else's tour should have started the same day as ours. Even if it is Casey Musgraves. And Hassan Piker. Joking. Hissing. That's crazy. All right. That was wild. We got a real turning point for a second. All right. Speaking of which, I was promised sparklers. Mm, sorry. It's not in the budget. Oh. Candice would have given me sparklers. I know. I was expecting that reaction. That is the fear you see because I never want to bring you anything but joy. I'm sorry I lost my focus. You are all that matters to me. I don't want to ever let you down. Thank you for being my guardian and protector in this life. Ugh. Right? This is so fucking weird. Yeah. By the way, this is the person that's in the room and he's like, I think we should bomb the street. And she's just in the corner just being like, that's right, he's so handsome. It's so fucking weird. Well, I think I'm also weirded out because she's described as the human printer. Yes. So did she write this and then hand it to him and then watch him read it? Okay. And also, does he read it? No, he doesn't read. We know this. Like, that's the part that's crazy. She literally is the person who types his tweets. This is the person. As we're talking about this, just real fast, so you guys know, if anyone feels bad about making fun of a 35-year-old woman who's clearly insane, this is the person who typed into a phone, a civilization will die tonight. This is the person who called people that ICE murdered domestic terrorists. She's the one. She's a fucking stenographer for him. She's the one with the insane punctuation. The reason we haven't gotten covfefe in a while is because of Natalie Harp. She's the damn holding back good jokes. I miss a covfefe. Remember? Miss a good covfefe. I miss covfefe, Sleepy Joe. There's so many things I miss. Oh, man, I haven't thought about that. Yeah, remember when we were like, covfefe, this is wild. Yeah, dude. I remember the six hours after covfefe when people thought, they're like, now he's stroked. Everyone thought it was like a Death of Stalin moment. They're like, the guards haven't gotten in the room yet. Only people with Twitter accounts know. But she closes this letter, she says, she explains, what the card's for, and says, I will leave, I will return a better person. I have to sign off now as the cars are leaving. See you soon with all my heart. She's ending this like a Civil War soldier. Yeah. About to, I will return a better, Martha, I will return a better person. I have to sign off now as the train cars are leaving. No, you're not. You're in the next room. Sleeping in a dog cage, I think. Like, this is. I feel like America is stuck in, like, a weird BDSM relationship. And, like, we're just the third here. Right? Like, that's the problem. Like, a lot of people wonder, like, is America gonna balkanize? No, we're just going poly. That's just where we are. Just 50 poly states. And all have to share the same rent. But so, we get this. And then she takes a big breath, and she does the sequel. Right? Because it starts, dear Mr. President, now this is the note I wanted to write. But the apology needed to come first. Oh, my God. So, the last one. The last, she was like, I felt forced to say the last one. Somewhere in my head, someone was putting a gun up to my head to write the last one. It's probably herself, but someone. She said, I've learned so much about myself on this trip. I always knew coming home to my roots would be enlightening, but I had no idea how much. Now, I've seen reporting saying they don't even know if she's from there. Like Scotland? Yeah. Like if her family's from Scotland? Yeah. I'm trying to figure out why she's writing like Britney Spears in Crossroads. You're the President of the United States. I learned so much about myself on this trip. I always knew coming home to my roots would be enlightening. What the fuck are we doing here? Again, the President is sitting in the corner being like, kill more kids. What? Yeah, $4 gas. Who gives a shit about that? And she's like, I'm enlightened. And she says, for the first time, and I don't know how long, you forced me to unplug. We could be out on the course with no machines and even forget what time it was. I don't have to be human printer. Oh, no! So, before this, I didn't know she knew the name. No. It's not as fun if she knows. It's funnier when we're all like, oh, a little name, ha, ha, ha. And then she shows up. Because that's what she does, by the way. He doesn't, she prints things for him in giant font and he hands it to him. And that's where he gets stuff like those AI memes. Remember when he had the AI meme of him flying a plane shitting on Harry Sisson? She found that. The racist Obama-Michelle one, that was her. And other, like, random things. She just scrolls the internet and finds stuff. She goes, he'll think this is funny. He'll, he, she is the AI Roku channel. Do you guys know that? There's a channel on Roku TV now that's just AI 24-7. I've learned a lot about me. It's fucking crazy. But yeah, this is just what she is. She's just showing up. She's like, here's the interesting thing. Because there's been so many times, too, one of the most annoying things about Donald Trump beyond, like, the murders and everything else and the economy and him destroying the world. One of the most annoying things is some of the craziest shit he says is always next to a helicopter or the plane. And I think there's a smart reason. I think his comp team knows what to do with this. They stand him next to the helicopter or the plane with the engine running so that way people won't want to use the clip again because there's an annoying noise in the background. And so they don't play that. They just kind of type it out and then it doesn't sound as insane. But there's so many times where Donald Trump will be holding up a clearly angry, AI picture and being like, look, Chuck Schumer just loves sombreros. We found this on the internet. It's proof that he and Hakeem Jeffries actually care about Mexico. And everyone's like, what the fuck is happening? But Natalie is the one who's finding this shit and handing it to him. He's like, this is great. And then he goes out and does this. Yeah. And then she continues, in fact, I even had time to take long morning and evening walks to enjoy each sunrise and sunset, though I did forget to eat and sleep. I think she just keeps letting him know if she's eating or not. Yeah. With so much thinking time, I confess it did have, a slightly negative effect at times that I know you picked up on, but the end result, I believe, will be worth it. I had no idea how rapidly I was approaching burnout and started to envy those whose only job seems to be to talk with you and look pretty. I want that job. Oh, no. Imagine knowing that job exists and you don't have it. Now, you understand how to put ink into the Epson. But she looks like my daughter. I'm not proud of that applause break. That made me feel a certain way. So many times, I'm just trying to stay afloat with all that's coming in for you. I look like a hunchback who didn't have time to freshen up. At least you know what I should look like. Plus, I miss the days when you used to call during my talk show days and we'd talk about everything and nothing. I want to get back to that Wait, hold on, hold on. They already talk about everything and nothing. I've read the tweets. He's sitting next to her and he's like screaming about everything from soccer to the Tonys. And she's like, no, but you used to talk about us. That's so fucking weird. And then she says to the president of the United States, we shouldn't have to talk about work all the time. I've always felt like an in-betweener, somewhere between staff and those you enjoy talking to on the phone or on the plane or at dinner because that's who I used to be to you. When I was a talk show host, as much as I hated that actual job, I wish I could hear every conversation because that's when you're having a good time getting away from it all, at least for a few moments. That's what she wants? She's like, well, I will say this is actually- Boss, I miss your laugh. I miss Donald Trump's laugh. That's the fucking craziest thing I've ever heard. Well, so I, okay, we're gonna finish this one, but this was a thing that I feel like kind of went under the radar. This is a person that MS Now reported went like over a year without routine work. West Wing security clearance. And she's like, and there's all this talk about like, I like being in the room. I wanna be there. There have been talks about foreign leaders. They go sometimes through her to get to him. Maggie Haberman said she's in almost every single meeting. Senior staff try to make subtle moves to create distance. It did not work. So we're dealing with, this year alone, we've done two special episodes because this motherfucker has started two separate wars. And she was just standing in the corner like one of, palpatine's guards she's just standing in the corner just honestly if she wore the red robes and the hat i'd give it to her she needs to have a shock stick that's what she needs be force adept instead she's just insane well she says well maybe maybe she's gonna make a better version of herself because she says but after going through all this self-analysis my conclusion i need to reunite my past self with my current into a better version who will make you proud and please when i fail will you tell me you have the absolute right to cuss me out oh wait sorry sorry wait i cut it short cuss me out if need be when i deserve it because no one knows or cares about me more i'm i'm honestly shocked there isn't a safe word written in here this is so fucking crazy like i i just that's i just keep coming back to that because again this is this is just like even if it wasn't the president imagine this was just your boss imagine if you're just working you're just working you're just working anywhere you all ever i i'm assuming most people in here have a fucking job has anyone ever been like boss i'm so sorry i've tried so hard cuss me out fuck you i'm from philly my boss cusses me out i'm gonna kick him in the fucking chest like a serial killer this is nuts this is the thing and he likes this that's the part that's crazy oh yeah yeah he loves it uh and then she says to modify a classic i could not have parted with you to anyone less worthy and i will add it is i who is unworthy always natalie p.s my hands look worse in scotland and ireland because the cold turns the old scars purple what what just gotta throw that in there no that means he clearly was like your hands are weird there's no other reason she was like sorry it's sorry it's an ancient scottish curse that's fucking insane this should be like a game of thrones character she'd be old purple hands she's only in the books hbo didn't know how to add her in but here you know here's what i'll say this is you know we this letter it sounds like it came around must have been 2023 michael wolf said i think he got it in 2024 yeah and so it seems to have worked because he put her on the plane that they didn't think was going to blow up that's right she was in the falafel cart with him which is the whole reason we started talking about her to begin with because john ossoff was pointing out during his speech we talked about this the other day 33 second clip he's like the president's falling asleep during meetings after he started an illegal war our soldiers are going to be killed and they're going to be killed and they're going to be killed and our soldiers our service members are starving on boats then they're taking fire under and the president wants to fly around the country with natalie or fly around the world with natalie in a palace that was gifted to him by the emir of qatar and this is what this is what maga does all the time they they hear all of that and they go how dare you call her a whore and you're like whoa we pointed out that the 80 year old president is sundowning while the sun is up he's falling asleep he's probably shitting himself from the amount of background scenes we've seen right we go through all this different shit we've lived through my entire life i've been told support the troops 25 years this entire fucking century there hasn't been a day where there hasn't been a weaponization republicans yelling support the troops and telling us every single moment that we couldn't have student loan debt forgiveness that we couldn't have free school lunches that we couldn't have universal fucking health care or any of this other shit because we had to support the troops and give them more weapons and give them food and the right stuff and now we're where are we at we're the old bill hicks joke where they love the war and hate the fucking troops and that's what this fucking presidency is about hey i really hope you enjoyed and if you did one subscribe to the crashing out podcast on youtube spotify or apple podcasts and again two if you haven't already get your tickets at crashingouttour.com every show is different so obviously this natalie harp segment that's gone right unless other crazy things come out but yeah we're gonna be performing in boston and then philadelphia this friday and saturday and again in the coming weeks we're gonna be in san francisco phoenix denver atlanta chicago st paul washington dc and pittsburgh we'd love to see all those beautiful faces and crash out with you and hey no matter what you do i'll see you later today with today's brand new full pds