Boiled Hamburgers w/ Brad Williams

Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade Electrolytes, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Somebody's back from out of town. He's tired. He's sad. He's down. He's drinking coffee. Coffee. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Great. Thanks for coming out to Lincoln. That show was great. What? Exactly. Oh, thank you for coming out. And you were great. Oh, Sacramento. Lincoln, California. What? What a good show. Exactly. I didn't know what you were saying. You were like, thanks for thanking. Lincoln. Well, because I was trying to think, is it Sac or Lincoln? It was. They said it was something else, didn't they? Didn't they say it was Lincoln? Lincoln. Oh, Lincoln. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lincoln Logs. Yeah, so thanks for coming out. That was a great show. You were on fire that night. What do you mean? You killed it. And, um. Okay. What do you mean? You just shrugged me off. No, I didn't. You did. No, because. Check the tape. I know, but I'll tell you why. Why? Because I know if I said what I was going to say, that was going to start a fight. So I didn't say what I was going to say. Say what you were going to say. I didn't think I had a great set. And now, here we go. That. Because it's annoying. So that's why I edited it out. Okay, well, let's go to something better. Fancy was wasted. You were wasted. I've never seen you that drunk. I've never seen you drunk at all, ever. Hammered. Yeah. You were hammered. One drink. One drink, you're a liar. No, no, no, no, no. I poured you whiskey. You drank that. Bobby poured you a full glass. But I have to say, on stage, though, you had the two biggest laughs out of even both of us. Yeah. See? Right? See was. That's a home run. Perfect. The timing of it. It was so good. So good. What was the second punchline? It was a big one. Yeah, you got one more big pop. You got two pops. It was based on somebody that was on stage. It was a guy. Personality. Oh, yeah. Personality. Yeah. Personality. I'm one word. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I looked at you as if to say, you know, congratulations. Sometimes. You hit the ball. Sometimes he really hits it hard. Really huge rippling laugh. And because of that, we got a little gift for you here. This says, hey, bad friends, I found this Fancy B special while thrifting and just had to send it along. Thanks for the making all the best podcast. On the Internet, your number 69 fan, Mike. Shout out to Mike. He, of course, gave Fancy a shirt I'm sure he owns. Oh, that was an Israeli flag. It is. Wow. Do you own this shirt? I do not. That does not look good. You think that looks good? Desi Hual. Yeah. It's also double XL, which looks, it looks. Is that a Desi Hual? I think so. That's a Desi Hual. What? From a thrift store. Oh, from a thrift store. Oh, that's a thrifty Desi Hual. Imagine on Antiques Roadshow, somebody's like, I found this in an attic. It's a Desidual shirt. Yeah. And they're like, these things are amazing. They're very valuable. You mean a hundred years from now? Oh, yeah. Almost nobody wore them. No one wore them. Only one guy from Spain. He was their main clientele. Desi Hual was founded in Barcelona in 1984 by Swiss businessman Thomas Meyer. The brand originated with the aim of creating a different meaning, Desi Hual. Affordable fashion style that stood out, characterized by vibrant colors, patchwork, and bold Mediterranean-inspired designs. It was founded on the concept of upcycling, starting with a jacket made from reassembled patches of used denim. So it's old shit that they threw together and then sold to you at a premium. Yeah. I mean. Brilliant. Conceptually, it's cool. It's just, I think they're using the wrong patterns. Execution. Yeah. The execution is bad. I think the idea is good. It is very good. Yeah, yeah. Like, I can take this, right, and then this and put it into a shirt, but necessarily it doesn't look good. Doesn't look good like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to find the right combination, I think. You haven't found your groove. Yeah. The emperor has yet to find his new groove. I'll keep trying. But it was an incredible time up in Sacramento. And then you immediately come home and you jumped on a flight to go across the country once again. You got to be. I'm exhausted. You're Amelia Earhart, dog. You're flying all over the place. Well, also, it's like, so we finished the show Saturday and then we fly back. That night. And then I show up to the airport pretty early and then five-hour delay. Five-hour? Yeah. I'm going home. TSA. Yeah, so I'm sitting there at the airport. Had not slept. Went to Philly. Then shoot. Are they still on strike? Or is it bad on the way back? It's bad. Really? Oh, it's bad, yeah. You hit Houston really hard still for weeks. It's a five-hour wait. It's really bad. Well, I don't care about Houston. But yeah, but out here. I told Honey to buy me 5,000 smartwatches. Smartwaters, which is what we're doing. 5,000? Yeah. Why do you like smartwater? No, no, no. It's not that I like it. It's just that I have this fear that the world is ending. Right. So I'm going to get seeds. I'm going to do the whole thing. You're going to get seeds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of seeds? Sunflower. Barbecue, ranch. That's all you need to eat. No, I mean to plant. No. To plant. No. To plant. Sunflower's part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could chew on those for days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get that, you know what I mean? Chili lime. The Hispanic one. I like those. If you plant those, maybe a chili lime sunflower seed will- Just a Mexican guy grows in your backyard? Yeah. What I'm going to do is I'm going to convert my backyard, because I have that, not asphalt, but the fake grass. What do you call that? Fake grass. Is that what they call it? I think so. I mean, what do they call it? I mean, turf. Turf. Yeah. I have turf. I'm going to take that out, put real American soil on there. American soil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to put American soil on there, man. I'm going to get American seeds. You know what I mean? I'm not growing hummus. I'm growing hummus, dude. Okay. American shit. Tomatoes. Is that a Netanyahu joke? Yeah, it is. No, it's not, dude. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing fucking Goya. It's Goya. It's Goya, I think. What is Goya, though? I don't know. Okay. It just sounds like a Greek thing. I don't know. Is it Hispanic? Yeah. I'm not. Only American, you know what I mean, vegetables and- Hot dogs. Cheeseburger. You can't grow hot dogs. Pretzels. No, no. I'm saying growing. Yeah, vegetables and fruits. Well, you don't grow hummus either. You don't grow hummus? Chickpeas. It's a bean. It's chickpeas. It's a chickpea. How do you get chickpeas? You grow it. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. No chickpeas. No chickpeas in our house. Well, no. I mean, I'll eat it if I'm with, you know what I mean? No, it's American. We're not doing that. No, I love hummus, but I'm just saying- All right. I do love hummus, but- But look, chickpeas are very easy to grow. Oh, fuck. Nutrient-dense and drought-tolerant legumes that thrive in warm weather, maturing in 90 days. All right, I'll get chickpeas. All right, we got it. I'll do chickpeas. We'll be hummus boys. Yeah, we'll be hummus boys, but I just think that I have this fear that something's about to happen, so I'm going to Y2K this. So you think a global- Is that the one, right? Yes. Y2K? Yeah. And you know what happened there? Nothing. Yeah, I know. So it's going to be the same result. It doesn't matter, though, because it could have happened. The global food source will be depleted, in your opinion, in the next couple of years. We're about to run out. Well, the straight hummus is closed. We don't know when that's going to open up, so it's like- Well, just make it crooked, then. Crooked the hummus, if we can. Yeah. Stop straightening that thing out. Yeah. You know what I should have done? What do I should have done? I'm so tired. You know, 200 years ago, they should have just widened that thing, but they have more foresight. But I'd be like, hey, we could make it wider. What? The straight? Yeah, wider. Bigger. Bigger. Yeah? Yeah. You should have been a straight. You should have been a civil engineer. I know. I watched Pluribus again last night, and that is literally kind of what we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you finish it? Mm-hmm. Gosh, it's pretty good. I got one left, I think. It's a really good show. But we got to watch it in chunks, because it's anxiety-inducing, so I can't get through the whole thing at once. You have no anxiety? Huh? You have no anxiety? I have all of it. About the world. Oh, oh, about the world? Yeah. No, I'm comfortable, dude. I'm comfortably numb. Oh, you're numb. Like the song. Yeah. I have become comfortable. It's a good song. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Doomsday Clock, January 27, 2026, as of this year, was set at 85 seconds to midnight, closest the clock has ever been to midnight in its history. Wow. Well, speed it up. Push the seconds over. Let's have fun. Yeah, there's a lot of anxiety I feel in the world. I think maybe I'm just like, you know what I mean, a sensitive guy, and I just can feel things. But like, you know, when you walk into a coffee shop, and you look at somebody, right, what's wrong? I'm a sensitive guy. I can feel things. I can feel things. You're an empath? Is that what you're thinking? Well, I'm dating a witch. You are dating a witch. Yeah, so it rubs off on me. I know. My eye, I can't see out of my right eye. What are you guys doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She told me the other night that she can see into the future and stuff like that. What did she see? She goes, she stopped doing it because it's like too much, she gets tired. That's her reason to stop. I mean, she got taught it. Also, not just look into the future, like look into people's, and communicate with like spirits and stuff. Right? And she's like, it's. I could run a three-minute mile, but I just don't want to do it. Yeah, yeah. No, but. I just don't feel like doing it, but I can. That's pretty much it. Yeah, it's ridiculous. That's not ridiculous. You can do it, but you just won't. No, you literally can't. You can though. Physical limitation. Can you? A three-minute mile? Yeah. No. Okay. No, nobody can. Okay. No one can do a three-minute mile. Not you or me. I know, but there are people out in the world that can. Yeah, maybe like Mofongo Babongo. Yeah, yeah. Mofongo Babongo. He can. He can do it? Yeah, yeah. Well, the girl that I'm dating is the Mofongo Mofongo of witches. No human has ever run a three-minute mile. Okay. Wait a minute. She said she could look into the future. I need to hear the rest. Not the future. It's more like she can see things. communicate with spirits and see things in the past and that's the opposite she's going the wrong way oh yeah wait dude she's in that other universe communicating and she's going backwards and they're like the information's up here I don't know why you guys are laughing at this you know I mean religion it's absolutely mind boggling dude fuck you it's absolutely mind boggling me that you would take one's religion and mock it and laugh witches and magic practitioners often use divination such as tarot runes or scrying she's scrying all the time doc yeah yeah one time her dog actually started scrying do I believe they cry different they scry oh they scry it's even more painful they float when they cry yeah so you know we live in a country where we have freedom of religion that's right baby best country in the world and for you to mock one's religion is to me absurd and offending time out it offends me you're allowed to have the freedom to religion to any religion yeah I have the freedom of speech to mock your religion which religion is this yeah witchery witchcraft witchcraft is a religion it is a religion but I have the freedom of buddhism is a religion is it not yeah it is but we can do it we can mock it that's the whole point of freedom of speech wicca like how wiccans yeah wiccans yeah yeah but you know what you're saying is contradictory in and of itself if it's protected religion then so is speech so we can make fun of it that's the point but it's kind of my religion it's not yours I know I know it's not but I want to defend the right defend your honor that people have the right to have their own religion and people have the right and I'll defend it and you're laughing you guys are laughing as if like it's not real no no no it could be no no we're laughing it could be we're laughing because it's real that's the god she believes yeah yeah yeah that's the goat god yeah and tell me I've seen that guy on La Brea before yeah now tell me Carlos you were at the drawing room at 1 30 in the morning and you saw that yeah in Los Feliz at the drawing room at 1 30 right McCone yeah yeah at the end of the fucking bar you've seen her or whatever that is hey can I get a drink can you buy me a drink can we buy that girl a drink I walked in from Echo Park right you've seen the horned goat lives in Echo Park I got a great one bed one bath what else does she tell you about the future does she tell us what's coming has she given you any insight well you remember I told you that I found your name in my freezer right she was putting it in there no that's not did I tell you that you told me she made you put it in there to cool me off yeah yeah to cool you off yeah yeah yeah it didn't work no you're hot the freezer spell involving your name is typically used in witchcraft to blind stop or banish a person from causing trouble exactly that's what I was doing freezing their negative actions or cold shoulder I was banishing you dude didn't work I know it didn't work I'm unbanishable I know I realized that I realized that you're unbanishable also I realized that you know what I mean you can't be binded you can't bind me like in Lord of the Rings that ring no nothing on you no binding yeah yeah yeah I don't know what race you are in that world dude but you cannot be bound to that ring unbound you're unbound yeah so that didn't work you could be stopped you could yeah it's to be stopped you know what I mean but it would take like you know what I mean a Russian army I think to stop you don't tempt those guys because they'll do it so witchcraft to bind stop or banish yeah banish two three of those you can't do to Andrew Santino you know I tried to freeze your negativity and it didn't work also it was in there for like months it was between you know like butcher box butcher box meat and a frozen pizza didn't work yeah I put it between like you know what I mean and then like one day we're like we'll eat a pork chop and we lifted it right and there was like Andrew Santino fucking piece of pizza just my face no just your name oh yeah oh yeah yeah and I ripped it up oh you ripped it up yeah he's not banished oh that's why I was having back pain that day yeah yeah yeah oh you got black back maybe that yeah yeah yeah oh wow oh oh oh oh I can't bind this motherfucker oh yeah yeah yeah unbound yeah but you know who is a huge soccer fan I just had no idea is Gillis oh is he uh huh love soccer we were in the van we had lunch and you know I was watching the Arsenal Champions of the Game on my phone he's like what are you watching and I go Arsenal playing you know and he goes fuck Arsenal and I go fuck you of course I'll say that because I defend myself that's your argument yeah that's my argument yeah yeah you know me who does he follow can I just finish our conversation and I go what did you say to me man he said you said that this Reuben was the best thing on the menu it wasn't because he was like you got to try the Reuben it was okay anyway he's a man you know he's a man he's just a United fan thank you and then I asked him like specific questions he knew everything I was mind boggled he's a big sports fan but he was like I've been following them since I was a kid or whatever even historically I was asking him questions and Gillis is a man you've had fans so is give me another comic that's a man you've had you know I feel like we do know someone that's a man you've had they have he's black tatted on them he's black oh Ian Edwards yep yeah exactly he has a tattoo doesn't he have a tattoo yeah couldn't see it anyway I know I know I could it was about to come out dude you're so fast today there's only one I'm so tired you can't be quick today okay yeah it's just too you know yeah it's too you know what I mean you talk so fast sometimes I'm not there he's using the laser gun it's like those Greenland sharks you know about those soft fuckers have we talked about that Greenland sharks yeah they they live to over 400 years old some of them 500 years old really the Greenland shark the longest lived vertebrae on earth studies estimate they live 400 fucking years they're found in the cold deepest part of the Arctic and North Atlantic these sharks hey is my ex up there these sharks grow at a glacial pace for only one centimeter per year reaching maturity around 150 years old so they grow up at 150 that's when they're like an adult what happened historically 400 years ago just google that what do you mean like what happened right from today 400 years ago a Greenland shark was born do you google yeah google that I want to see that what happened today 400 years ago yeah what happened today 400 years ago or this month no just say today 1626 14 400 McCone get hit by a bus August what is this around 400 years ago the first recorded Africans arrived in the English colony of Virginia at Point Comfort uh oh rut row rut row a marking a pivotal tragic start to slavery in North America roughly 20 enslaved people were traded for supplies yeah okay okay Greenland shark not a good time I know not a good birth time yeah time people are on the you know what I mean on the Amistad and an old baby is born wow not good it's not good not good I'm just saying though that they've been around I mean imagine there is something alive today that witness not witness he was an online going oh my god this is an atrocity he wasn't like I gotta check this out you know as a baby you know what I mean but he was still a lot deep in the ocean born when this shit was going on what are you guys doing what are you guys doing are you guys trading and buying humans I'm gonna go back to the depths of the ocean that's crazy imagine interviewing one right now on his deathbed and he's like do you guys still buy humans you're like well yeah that's what they look like yeah that's what they look like they look 400 years old they look 400 years old yeah yeah yeah 400 years that's crazy beautiful though it's beautiful what's the longest species that what's the longest age length of a species on earth what species that the longest that one yeah that's it vertebrae yeah vertebrae yeah yeah longest I'm sure there are plants or trees that are longer do you think yeah trees live yeah the longest lived individual invertebrate is the ocean quahog a clam that can live over 500 years no wow wow oh or the immortal jellyfish they put it right there so clam what happened 500 years ago 500 years ago yeah I'm a clam what did he what did we see I'm a clam we're clams we're clams what did we see what did we see what did we see so tell us what the world was like yeah yeah well it was shaped by the height of the protestant reformation the expansion of the spanish empire boo boo and the flowering of the italian renaissance yay this painting's beautiful gorgeous a clam today was just like wow look at the artistry well look at that for magellan so a clam saw magellan whoa on the beach saw magellan yeah yeah what is he doing yeah yeah yeah yeah or me I'm more of a columbus guy oh yeah right yeah you know what I mean yeah yeah you're happy about magellan I like magellan yeah I like columbus that was their soccer teams back then yeah yeah are you a diehard columbus fan or a magellan guy the inca civilization at its peak in south america stretching from modern day colombia to chile just before the spanish conquest in 1533 another bad thing you've done so basically what we're finding out through the history of invertebrates invertebrates is you guys are up to no good pieces of shit pieces of shit well in the philippines you guys oh my god oh my god what did you do what'd you do lapu lapu you lapu lapu okay so google zoom in real fast yeah what is this immortal jellyfish a glass sponge lives up to 15,000 years whoa 15,000 years what happened 15,000 years ago I'm a glass we're glass sponges we're glass sponges all right around 15,000 years be a glass yeah be a glass sponge the world was transitioning out of the last ice age bringing warming climates reducing glaciers man is it getting warmer I can feel my toes I can feel my toes What do those finally do? Whoa, dude. - Humans begin transitioning from purely nomadic foraging to living in semi-permanent settlements. Yeah. Oh, they are? And the suburbs were born. No, I'm kidding. The use of clay for artistic expression began beads pendants rather than utility. Children and adults were shaping clay reflecting a forgotten chapter in social development. Wow. It is cool to be the first person. Hammer. We witnessed. Yeah, we saw a hammer. We saw a hammer, dude, getting invented. That's insane. Hammer in the morning. Isn't that insane? There are glass jelly. What are they called? Glass sponges. Glass sponges that were around when a fucking hammer was invented. Wow. Yeah. The same guy. What do you mean? Glass sponge. Same guy today. Same guy today. Same dude. Yeah, yeah. Same guy. Same dude is still around. Crazy. Is it boring? I bet he's having a good time. All he's doing is this. Depends on who's visiting him. Have you done this? How long can you do this? 15,000 years. That's insane. But there's no thought. There's no thought. This is the funniest thing. He literally Googled glass sponges daily life as if they have like a nine to five. Y'all brought it to life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me daily life. Bobby. Bobby. He's got the glass sponges at Get Ready With Me TikTok. Get ready with me to float in the ocean again. I have the answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sitting in one place using their silica glass spicules. Oh, whoops. Sorry. To filter vast amounts of water for bacteria and plankton. So they're filtering. They're living fossils. They can live forever and ever. Wow. Show me the video of the glass sponge. I'd love to take a look. You know, this is the thing about this show. Is it a poop fart show? Yeah, but do you learn? You sure do. You sure do. You sure do. Acorns. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. Acorns is easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money even if all you've got is spare change. Well, here's the deal. All of us are trying to prepare for the future. You want to save a little bit whether it's, you know, for school, for a car, for family, for something that you've always wanted or just for life. An acorn grows with you. Whether you're just starting out or thinking about settling down, Acorns supports your big and small goals across every life stage. Acorns is all in one. No more finance apps cluttering up your phone. With Acorns, you can invest, save, and give your money a chance to grow in one trusted place. And the Acorns potential screen shows you the power of compounding and how your money could grow over time. Plus, you can quickly adjust how much you're investing every day, every week, or month to make sure you're building towards your goals. You should be doing this. Why not try it out with Acorns? Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 discount bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash bad friends or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement and compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers' accounts, age, and investment settings. Does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investments results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns advises LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bad friends. Shopify. Hey, guys. If you have an online business like we do here at Bad Friends then you got to use Shopify. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Here's the best part. You can accelerate your efficiency whether you're just uploading new products or you're trying to improve existing ones like we do. We try to update through time with different shirts that we're selling to you guys or merch that you guys are looking to buy. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions they page headlines and they even enhance your product photography so we can take beautiful photos show you guys what we're trying to give you as Bad Friends listeners. And some people ask why haven't you heard about my brand? Shopify helps you find customers with easy-to-run email and social media campaigns. They got award-winning 24-7 customer support and also we talk about it all the time. The purple button. The purple shop pay button, baby. That button is used by millions of businesses around the world. It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet and helps you boost conversions meaning less carts are going to go abandoned and more customers and way more sales for you. It's time to turn those what ifs into cha-ching with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash bad friends. That is shopify.com slash bad friends. Shopify.com slash bad friends. Chime! You know, when I was young there was times where I could have saved my money and done better with my money. Yeah. And you know, if I had a Chime card back then I think my finances would be better. If you only had a Chime card that's where Chime comes in to help you out. Chime is changing the way people bank. They're not like traditional old banks who charge all these fees and gatekeep perks and rewards. That's the best part. You know, the fee thing used to kill me. I used to have overdraft fees all the time or different ATM fees and that hit me like crazy when I first moved to Los Angeles and thank God for Chime now. They offer the most rewarding fee-free banking with no overdraft fees. No monthly fees and no minimum balance fees. It's incredible, man. You get 5% cash back on Chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries. And all the while you're building credit through regular, day-to-day spending with no credit check. You can also grow your money faster with a savings rate that's nine times the national average. How many times? Nine times? Oh my God. And if you're in a pinch, Spot Me lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. Fee-free. Join the millions who are already banking fee-free. With America's number one choice for banking, head to Chime.com slash bad friends. That's Chime.com slash bad friends. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits are required. Terms and limits apply. Go to Chime.com slash disclosures for details. Maybe this thing. Okay. Which is film porifera. Is this fancy? Did he do this? That's my previous job. Glass sponges are classified in the class hexactinemia. They're actually beautiful. Dude. They exist in all oceans. Is he a deer? They're Asian and white. The only two colors back then. That's us. We started it all. We're sponges. Dude, we started it all. Asians and whites. And you know what? You know why they're so pretty? Yeah. You know why, Bob? Why? Because they're untouched. Right. Because no one's fucking with them. That's why they're pretty. I want to kill one. Okay. Strange life. Survival in the dark depths. Look at that. They're beautiful geometric shapes they get to form into. The silica structures are so well formed that they can transmit light similar to fiber optics. Amazing. Yeah, but here's my argument against this. Yeah, let's find something negative. I'll say, because the difference between that and obviously the Greenland shark is there's no consciousness. It doesn't have a brain per se. As far as you know. But it doesn't like, you know what I mean? It doesn't have thoughts like, you know what I mean? Why did dad leave? Where did all my friends go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know what I mean? God, gas prices are so high. I mean, they don't have thoughts. And he's like, well, they are doing, well, you saw what they're doing to Iran. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no, right? They're not on Twitter. I get it. Yeah, Greenland shark, you know what I mean? I don't know what they're thinking about. No, I'm kidding. Do you think they got backstage passes? What? The Greenland sharks got backstage passes at Coachella? You think so? It's like one Greenland shark watching Harry Styles. He's just popping stuff. No, so, I mean, Greenland shark has a brain and is, right? Hunting in the dark. They don't have brains, Greenland sharks? All they do is hunt all day. And they have brains, right? So they have thoughts. They don't think much, though. How do you know? It says. They're living purely by instinct, focusing on slow motion, scavenging, opportunistic, hunting in the dark. But that, every day, is a new day to hunt. So it must be fascinating to them because they're approaching new shit all the time. They don't stay in the same place. Do they stay in the same area, right? Don't they swim far and wide? There's a flow of swimmers of their size. They have stealth mode. Stealth mode. But also this, right? It's like they have to know what to eat and what not to eat. So they don't. They eat everything. You don't have to know. Garbage disposal. It's just like, you know what I mean? A diet Pepsi can, a lumen can to eat. I mean. That's what instinct is. You don't have to know it. They literally say. So that's not a thought process. Listen. That's an instinct. Despite being apex predators, they're primarily scavengers or garbage disposals with diets that include seals, polar bears, reindeer, anything. They'll eat anything. They'll eat fucking anything. Reindeer? Yeah. Reindeer. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does it say reindeer? Right there. Right. I just. Yeah, yeah. Go. Reindeer. Reindeer. Santa. It's after, you know. Oh, he crashes into the ocean. Right. And then Greenland sharks are like. Yeah, yeah. Ho, ho, ho. Very good. Every year he kills them. Every 300 years he does this. Right. And he just eats one, huh? What the fuck is that? Omotokota? It's the parasite that lives on most Greenland sharks. They just don't care because. Oh, on their eyeballs, right? Yeah, they. I saw a documentary where they live on the eyeball so they can't even see. Omotokoida. Omotokahida. Yeah. Omotokahida is a monotonic genius of Corpob's Association. The sole species being. However, the specimen has been found on the skin of the great lantern shark, which has been assigned to the genus, but not the species. But they live in the eyeball. That's amazing. Yeah. That's how much the Greenland shark does. Yeah, both eyes. So the Greenland shark can't see. You mean because they got little dudes on their eyes. Just clean it out. Well, they have no arms. That's the problem. They don't have arms? No, dude. No. What's going on down there? They can't wave or anything. Well, what if one shark. They can't even wave to their friends like. What's up, dude? I haven't seen you in 300 years. Hey, dude. I haven't seen you in 350 years. Where have you been, dude? Oh, I was over there, he says. There. They can blow bubbles. What if they blew bubbles right on the parasites and got it out of there? Then they can't do it. I mean, I would rub it against like a rock or something. Can you do that? Yeah. Generally rub it against a rock, but I guess they don't even know how to do that. Yeah, they're dumb. They run on instinct. Yeah, they just don't know. They have a brain, though. Yeah, wouldn't the brain tell them to rub their eye? No. No, because it's like, you know, it's so dark "down there, who gives a fuck?" - That's what Google said. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so dark down there, you could have whatever on your eyes. It doesn't matter. You could put peanut butter on your eye. It doesn't even matter. You know? They do have peanut butter down there. I know they do. A lot. Yeah. But you can do whatever with your eyes. They can be Asian down there. They don't. No, they are, kind of. Yeah. That's not even. Asian Greenland shark. Get that out. No, leave it in. Yeah, yeah. It's very good. Wow. They live forever. They live forever. Okay, let me ask you. Oh, look at that. He's eating udon right there. Yeah. Let me ask you, what's the, don't Google it yet. What's the apex predator in the ocean? Probably. The one that no one fucks with. The killer whale. That's it, dude. Yeah. You're brilliant. Thank you. No one can bind you. The killer whale. Isn't that the host? No one can bind him or banish him. Can't be bound. Yeah. Can't be bound. Can't put me in a freezer. Yeah. But yes, it's the orca. It's the orca, yeah. The killer whale. The killer whale, dude. It's gotta be. Those guys are insane. But not as cool as the sperm whale, which gets up to the size of like, you know, three school buses or whatever. Yeah, but, or have you seen an orca pop his head out and look at you? No. Yeah. I've never had it look at me. Well, I mean, me either. I just saw it on YouTube, but I'm just saying they do it. They'll just pop up, right, with their one eye and look at you to see if it's something that they want to eat. Ooh, fuck. And then they go, nah. And then they pop back down. Can you imagine being eaten by one of those things? Oh, yeah. Because sharks bite, but they don't always consume. These things eat you whole. Yeah. They're not saying hello there. They're going, can I eat? Should I eat you? I'm gonna eat you. Yeah, yeah. How many people get eaten by orcas every year? Not a lot. No? Let's guess. Let's guess. Let's guess before. Seven. You think so? Yeah. I'm gonna go 16. Ooh, okay. All right. Orcas kill zero people a year in the wild. No documented cases? Wow. They don't like us. We don't taste good. Wait a minute. For sure, I feel like we've heard a story where someone's been eaten by, while orcas are powerful apex predators, they do not. They view humans as prey. We only taste good to Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. That's the only apex predator that we taste good to. You've been sitting in the ocean for a long time, waiting for you to take a swim. There have been no confirmed records of wild orcas killing a human. Wow. Not even researchers that are in the wrong place, wrong time. Mm-hmm. How many people are killed by polar bears every year? Let's guess. One. It's gotta be more than that, because researchers get killed on, I'm saying five. Between 1870 and 2014, there were seven. 173 confirmed polar bear attacks, resulting in 20 human deaths. In all that time? Yeah, it's not a lot. It's not a lot? Yeah. It's not a lot. So it's probably less than one, percent-wise. How about dogs? How many people die by dogs every year? Oh, my God. That one's gotta be high. High. Guess, guess, guess. Like 100? No, I'll say 1,200. Holy shit, that's a lot. Yeah. I think Bobby's right. 30 to 50, I was right. That's just in the US. Oh, that's just US. In the world, we said. In the world. 25,000 to 30,000 humans. Human deaths annually worldwide. I was closer. You were way off. We were way off. I know. The majority of these fatalities are caused by transplants. What does that include? Oh, rabies virus. People that get rabies. Ah, no, I'm not like, you know. We're talking about like mauling. Maul to death is way less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way less. India accounts for a significant portion of these deaths where high populations of stray dogs contribute to the risk. Right. Those videos you see, there's just dogs. Literally, there's like every human, there's another dog next to them. Yeah. Dingoes probably kill people, too. They don't. It's a lie. Dingoes don't? No, that was like an old weird, you know the dingo ate your babies of falsity. Okay. The dingoes are just like small dogs. Oh, they are? Yeah, they're little tiny. You didn't see one while we were over there? I'm not sorry with dingo. God, I love dingoes. I love me a dingo, man. You're going back to Australia. Are you excited? You're going to go see our boys, Brad and Tramp. Yeah. I can't wait. It's going to be fun down there. Okay, well, that's all. Animal talk? Well, no, I mean, because I've been. Because instead of the war, I've been trying to, like, get my algorithm to change to more animal. I've only been watching war. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do more animal, you know, around the world. So it's like, you know, trying to change my algorithm on my TikTok because it depresses me. Open up your TikTok right now. What's the first video that you have up there? I don't want to. All right, what's yours? I'm going to see what my algorithm is. Sean Penn and Zach Galifianakis. It's rent-free in my mind. I'm going to be 37 this year. And I like to think about. When my parents were 37. Stuff like that. Sick of Greenland Shark on her. Yeah. Let me just. Yeah, I'll open up and let me hear what this says. Yeah, just here. Ready? Yeah. Just here in OC. Oh, it's a guy jumping off of a cliff doing skydiving. Yeah, yeah. We're in L.A. trying supposedly the best shawarma in the city. Kill yourself. Everything is. Kill yourself. Jesus Christ. Whenever you hear those, like, TikToks, I go. And I never. I disagree. Every time I disagree. I've never went. Yeah, that guy was right. This is the best burrito. No, it's never happened. Well, that's like I saw one today that was boiled hamburgers from 1903. And like they live. You know, I was like doing an advertisement for this place. And Pete's. That's it. Boiled hamburgers in Wisconsin. And look at the video of them boiling a hamburger. This guy can't even explain. That's not it. I wish that was. Yeah. The guy can't even explain. They were like, what do they taste like? And he's like, well, good. He couldn't even tell you. Yeah. Boiled. Oh, my God. That sounds soggy. So soggy. Oh, my God. There it is. Right. Oh, thank you. Do that one. Seven celebrating down celebrating 115 years of boiled. Yeah, this is the guy. This guy right here. No, no, no. That's the new. He looks like a boiled. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. They pour water on him the whole time. Oh, what you're saying is they don't boil the bun. They boil the burger. I thought you said. I thought you thought a hamburger. No, no. Stop. Push pause. Okay. Boil the bun. You just lied. What? You lied. What are you talking about? A hamburger is with the bun as well. So you're saying they boil the patty. Yes. That's the part. Well, then just say patty. They also don't boil the cheese or the lettuce. That's what I thought, though. Well, then that's not a hamburger. Are you the dumbest guy alive? No, no. Are you a liar? When I just said. It's called a boiled hamburger. Right. That's what it's called. Okay. Now I'm getting the context of it. So the meat. So I'm tired. Don't even. No, no. You don't. Don't try to like backtrack. I'm not backtracking out of it, dude. I need to defend my fucking life here, dude. Please. All right. It's just in my mind. It's like they boil the hamburger. Now, in my mind, you envision a hamburger. Right. Which is. Let me finish. You envision a hamburger fully cooked. Let me finish. Let me finish. And then they boiled it. Yeah. Yeah. So they put the fucking bread down. That's how you thought about it. Then the meat. Right. Then onions, cheese, relish, ketchup. Right. Nice. More bread. Right. And then they boiled the whole thing. That's what you thought of boiling the hamburger. In my mind, I'm like, it's so soggy. My God, dude. So if they boil the meat, that doesn't sound that bad. It looks. Look at it. Okay. That looks disgusting. Okay. Sloppy. It looks like a. It looks like. I mean, it's better than boiling the whole thing. Yeah. Shouldn't boil the whole thing. So good. Yeah. Press play. Watch him smash it in the water. Okay. I mean, it's, it's ludicrous. Was that, is that dumb of me? Really? Yes. No, I don't think so. Yeah. No, no, no. Look, look at that. Look at that. Press play. Smashing it in the water. Okay. Oh God, dude. Could you push pause for a second, please? Can I defend this? Can I still try to defend it? Sure. Wiggle your way out of this one. Sometimes, because this is 115 years he's been doing it. Right. Right. Did I not say that? Mm-hmm. Okay. So sometimes this. All right. Just listen to my logic, please. Yeah. Before you like mock me and laugh. I already laughed. All right. So, because if you do, your name gets back into the freezer. All right. I will, I will try to banish you again, dude. Where's mine? Anyway. Expellius Asianus. All right. So just, can you just listen to my theory here? Sometimes you have to think about it in context. Okay. It's everything. It's everything. Right. So it's like, you know, people go, um, you know, like music from the sixties, right? I put it in context. Like, this is the beginning of, you know what I mean? Stages of rock and roll. And so when you're listening to it, you listen to it with that context, right? It's not as well produced as like a Harry Styles album or for instance, or whatever. Right. So it's like when you go to Felipe's downtown. Love. Great. Right. Great. Right. But you put in the context that this has been around for so long and they haven't really changed their menu that much. So you eat it with that context. Like, oh my God, this is like, you know what I mean? The same as it was in the forties. And it's cool. A Greenland shark might've had this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or those clams. Right. So what I'm saying, yeah. So what I'm saying is these boiled hamburgers is the same thing. It's like a nostalgia thing. It's a context thing. Oh yeah. You and I. When they boiled bread back then. I just, you know, all right. He thought they made the cheeseburger and then they boiled it. It's insane. I know. I know. Now. All right. Now. Okay. Now that I think of it. By the way, I agree with him when he goes, it's gotta be soggy. I go, yeah. I'm thinking, yeah, the meat's gotta be soggy. He's like, no, the whole thing is soggy. And you know what? Bad friends at home. Somebody please make a boiled hamburger and send us a video of you boiling an entire hamburger and send us a video of you boiling an entire hamburger. Send it to carlosintheboothatgmail.com. Anyway, we, you know, went to Laurie's. you said it like a southern black man went down in a lorry you know me and laurie i love laurie have you been to laurie's laurie's yeah yeah laurie's have you been there oh i've been yeah so do you know what laurie's is right have you ever had the seasoned seasoned salt laurie's laurie's seasoning salt you know so the same year check out this information laurie right the same year that they developed the salt you know me the guy that invented the salt opened a restaurant in la called laurie's on la cienega i can listen to you say it all he opened up laurie's also this is day seven of me not smoking cigarettes wow so weak of no smoking i'm so proud of you so but wait you went to laurie's right and so yeah yeah went to laurie yeah who that cow anyway um went to laurie's and she's like what she goes there's these you know the tin yeah what did they explain it then i've been to laurie's what is it then the tin when i say tin what do you mean the tin no what does it mean when they cart out the tin yeah yes yeah yes exactly i've been there so you know what you're talking about i've been there i told you four times okay by the way i by the way i've been there and then i never went back i don't i don't like it i like it you do dude it's also 60 asians that go there well that's why i don't go yeah we love it yeah once it once a race takes over a place i'm out okay well that's crazy i want it diverse okay so anyway we go to laurie's like that i backed right into it wiggled my way out wiggle your way out escape room racial escape room yeah i don't like it when there's too many asians because i like it more diverse all right let him out so when you normally when you go to any restaurant right you know you order your prime rib sure right and it just appears from the back of the kitchen right somebody prepares it somebody boils it back yeah boils it back there so many boils up that prime rib go ahead i'm okay in terms of wet bread this is a good example what about yorkshire pudding that's a wet bread yeah it's not our thing i know i'm just saying so in my mind boiled hamburger you mean it doesn't sound that preposterous i'm going home tonight and i'm boiling okay let's let it go all right you're at laurie's so we're at laurie's and and she goes um and what happens is you order your prime rib and there's there's different cuts that you can get that's right there's a california cut right there's a regular cut i get the um tokyo cut of course yeah because it's small it's a small catering to their audience yeah yeah and so they so you order your cod and also your sides and they bring a little tin cart and they bind your feet no they don't they don't buy anything so they they come with a tin cart right they open it up right and they slice it in front of you right in front of your face right and they pour all the sides in front of you a lot of juices a lot of juices right they juice the fuck out of it right and you get your pudding yeah you do you're right which is a wet bread wet bread it's a wet bread yeah it's boiled bread it's boiled bread and then you know and then she goes why do we they do it like this i go it's the nostalgia of it yeah they've been doing it like this since like whatever the 40s and stuff and that's why um asian people like it because it it there's some elegance to it it's also reminiscent of the past it's it kind of reminds you of the shining ballroom in the movie the shining you know i mean that kind of a vibe you know i mean gigantic chandeliers kind of gaudy a little opulent but also dark and it's a really cool place and the food's great it's good yeah and it's like but it's the it's the the ritual of it right so when you said it boiled hamburgers you thought about that no i'm just saying to me it's like you know you know if they've been if they've been doing it whatever this region of this country for 115 years that way it was wisconsin yeah can you man this is the longest uh this is the longest uh rebuttal yeah like a court case the judge would be like sir sir sir yeah it's we're throwing the case out i'm sorry i'm sorry no it was very good though i think that the reason why have we talked about me quitting smoking yet or no last time go ahead just let's hear it but why i quit because it's going to kill you that's not why good oh yeah yeah that is why that is why yeah yeah that is why yeah yeah but oh the black because your dog yeah the spit no no no the reason why i quit smoking is because remy died my dog lung cancer no chime you know um when i was young there was times where i could have saved my money and done better with my money yeah and you know if that had a chime card back then i think my finances would be better if you only had a chime card that's where chime comes in to chime is changing the way people bank they're not like traditional old banks who charge all these fees and gatekeep perks and rewards that's the best part you know the fee thing used to kill me i used to have overdraft fees all the time or different atm fees and that hit me like crazy when i first moved to los angeles uh and thank god for chime now they offer the most rewarding fee-free banking with no overdraft fees no monthly fees and no minimum balance fees it's incredible you get five percent cash back on chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries and all the while you're building credit through regular everyday spending with no credit check you can also grow your money faster with a savings rate that's nine times the national how many times nine times oh my god times and if you're in a pinch spot me lets you overdraft up to 200 fee-free fee-free join the millions who are already banking fee-free with america's number one choice for banking head to chime.com bad friends that's chime.com bad friends sign up now it only takes a few minutes chime is a fintech not a bank banking services and chime card provided by partners qualifying direct deposits required terms and limits apply go to chime.com slash disclosures for details chime you know um when i was young there was times where i could have saved my money and done better with my money yeah and you know if i had a chime card back then i think my finances would be better if you only had a chime card that's where chime comes in to help you out chime is changing the way people bank they're not like traditional old banks who charge all these fees and gatekeep perks and rewards that's the best part you know the fee thing used to kill me i used to have overdraft fees all the time or different atm fees and that hit me like crazy when i first moved to los angeles uh and thank god for chime now they offer the most rewarding fee-free banking with no overdraft fees no monthly fees and no minimum balance fees it's incredible you get five percent cash back on chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries and all the while you're building credit through regular everyday spending with no credit check you can also grow your money faster with a savings rate that's nine times the national how many times nine times oh my god nine times and if you're in a pinch spot me lets you overdraft up to two hundred dollars fee-free fee-free join the millions who are already banking fee-free with america's number one choice for banking head to chime.com slash bad friends that's chime.com slash bad friends sign up now it only takes a few minutes chime is a fintech not a bank banking services and chime card provided by chimes bank partners qualifying direct deposits required terms and limits apply go to chime.com slash disclosures for details chime you know um when i was young there was times where i could have saved my money and done better with my money yeah and you know if that had a chime card back then i think my finances would be better if you only had a chime card that's where chime comes in to help you out chime is changing the way people bank they're not like traditional old banks who charge all these fees and gatekeep perks and rewards that's the best part you know the fee thing used to kill me i used to have overdraft fees all the time or different atm fees and that hit me like crazy when i first moved to los angeles uh and thank god for chime now they offer the most rewarding fee-free banking with no overdraft fees no monthly fees and no minimum balance fees it's incredible you get five percent cash back on chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries and all the while you're building credit through regular everyday spending with no credit check you can also grow your money faster with a savings rate that's nine times the national how many times nine times oh my god times and if you're in a pinch spot me lets you overdraft up to two hundred dollars fee free fee free join the millions who are already banking fee free with america's number one choice for banking head to chime.com bad friends that's chime.com bad friends sign up now it only takes a few minutes chime is a fintech not a bank banking services and chime card provided by chimes bank partners qualifying direct deposits required terms and limits apply go to chime.com disclosures for details go down to the county store i'll be out here smoking and shit let's have a stick together before we go to the copy store no that's not what happened yeah you have a fucking lung cancer your dog has stage four lung cancer that'd be insane how many packs is he smoking a day yeah but anyway um hey man hey that little bad william there go that brad william what's up man go that go that go that go that go that brad william we thought we'd bring in your furniture from home make you feel comfortable yeah yeah yeah i uh i i like it i sat in a blue chair in case we're doing a gender reveal yeah all right this is a boiled hamburger hamburger so so we've got this stuff carlos brought us this stuff carlos why did you bring us this yeah yeah what is this for so you could see what it's like to be like brad oh this is what it's like for a toothbrush yeah yeah okay yeah so then yeah man so wow yeah yeah it's tough isn't it yeah it's tough big i realize how tough it is yeah yeah yeah yeah you can still write with this well but you got to use a toothbrush with two hands oh i see i see like a really hard scrub that's the only way it works exactly exactly yeah yeah this is how they polish the pyramids remember back in the day dwarves yeah i wasn't there but i'm just saying wait dwarves didn't do that no we didn't there was one dwarf that worked on the pyramid how do you the top one you got they send you up there no someone tells me the dwarf was at the bottom they were like yeah get the bottom get the stuff we can't get down there yeah it's like you can lift him to the top to put the little you know i mean the temple part at the top of it if you see a dwarf window washer he's not doing the top no he's on the bottom he's on the oh you're on the bottom yeah i'm all i'm just saying you could be on the i've always been a power bottom bobby you know this yeah yeah yeah on top is fun for you is top fun for window washing or sex what are we talking about now have you ever been to jimmy owes wait what jimmy owes jimmy yow oh a-u-s it's for men five eight and under because that's where i get my suit that's where he gets his suits at jimmy owes i didn't know this was a real place this was never discussed in the meetings yeah yeah yeah i would like to highly recommend jimmy owes they would love you i'm gonna have to go there yeah yeah holy shit i go there all the time so like i will walk into jimmy owes and just be like wow i have a challenge for you guys yeah you know you you say five foot eight and under let's let's hit the no they have it all they have it all yeah they have it all my dwarf ass yeah go to jimmy owes dude they have a section called your dwarf ass in the back of jimmy owes yeah we already plugged this guy so much we're giving him good business i know i mean now now he's gonna get probably dinklage goes all my yeah yeah wait dinklage goes he hates dinklage i know i know i know arch nemesis i can't but you're not gonna go at the same time but you guys have like you know i mean a schedule aren't you guys on an app yeah an app where it's like we can't be here at the same time two dwarves can't be there's only one section for you people right so that's a lot of traffic isn't there like an you have to make an appointment you know like when dwarves can come in yeah okay so what what what store wait wait go ahead the the dwarf app actually uh is the same as the car app lift lift very good it's good what store has the best dwarf clothing oh the best dwarf clothing yeah like brad's gonna go shopping today aside from um gaps kids yeah yeah um what called frodo's let me tell you he can't let me tell you that's dude that's a great clothing bro bro bro bro bro dude yeah a baggins or the shire or whatever you want to do let me tell you that's a i think that's a good clothing business i will tell you where the best clothes are tell me it's at plantain republic yeah yeah yeah yeah you guys plantain republic that's really funny well done yeah well done i will say all right the selection at build a bear i knew it was coming it's so great yeah i could be an astronaut yeah yeah i could be a dancer that's so funny i can get whatever i want and then we can put a little button in you so you have somebody's voice inside your stomach yeah i finally have a heartbeat yeah you don't have hearts no but because remember the other day you were at the store and a couple months ago and i was like where'd you get that jacket it's dope yeah don't build a bear i did ask him that well why'd you laugh at that does they're not they're not for you i know i know i know but that's why bobby asks but no but did i not know i was really like i i liked your fit that night yeah right so i was asking like where do you get like i feel like i go where'd you get all that you know i mean and you were explained to me like you know a guy that shirt is great where's that shirt from uh this shirt is from a uh a uh kids bowling team that's dope and i just jumped i just jumped him after a match imagine i know what it was it was the pants oh the pants you remember the pants you go and you and you bought a bunch of those yes yeah so that's what it was yes yeah if you find something that's good see i do that anyway if i find something i like yeah mine is a bunch of them let's go yeah that's what you do i buy them all the colors you have to why if i like it it fits because i don't like how certain jeans fit or pan like i'm just gonna buy a few of these because you have the opposite problem with me you have like long legs but then no ass i got a nice ass it's no ass no out of your fucking you're out of your fucking kidding me that is yeah yeah but you're bending over yeah yeah that's a really you're sticking it out good ass dude that's booty yeah but now the pants are pushing it up what about mine what about mine all right hold on let me judge you asked for it i asked for it no it stands straight up look at it now look at my ass okay you know what this you know what brother i got a great shitter you're out of your mind i stand corrected i have a nice shitter i'm i stand corrected only hair at the bottom yeah how'd you do that well look at this look inside yeah it's so pink do you have the pinkest asshole i've ever seen i know it's so pink i won an award in 06 you did you definitely have a virgin asshole i do brother it's like a piglet's asshole this guy i just never been touched it's never been touched it's never been abused that's not what i'm saying the color has nothing to do about a asshole oh it has a lot to do oh really yours is darkest night i know you know it's not a black eye somebody's punching my fucking asshole i'm just ethnic they're punching with their weed no they're not dude no they're not it's not my guy in your asshole is the greenland shark down there who has a darker asshole the greenland shark or me by far you okay oh like i i literally you have the pinkest asshole i have ever seen it's so pink it's insane i bet you you do you shit out your mouth because there's no way there's no way it comes out you're a genius you must shit out your mouth yeah you've seen what i do on stage yes i do shit out of my mouth are you a little bisexual or no no i i've had a i've had a male male female threesome yeah the devil's threesome yeah that was three yeah yeah i've heard of that yeah that move the uh yeah devil's two and a half yeah uh it was a lot of fun oh yeah we didn't do an eiffel tower we did a leading tower of pisa it was a tall guy yeah yeah it's all got me so i've done that i thought i i don't know where that put but did you touch the guy at all in any way yeah but it was accidental oh yeah yeah there's always accidental rubbing yeah there was yeah well like we had to like we had to switch positions at one point right and this is back i'm gonna just tell you right now if i ever had sex with you and another girl i would be laughing so fucking hard i would not be able to get hard dude you know how funny that'd be oh my god you would you would be hearing the sound of mario getting a coin every time i thrust oh my god dude oh my god it's so funny dude how all right how scared would you be if you were having a threesome and and the and the other male was a dwarf of the of of the male having the bigger dick than you oh because that that's why i got to give this guy props that had the threesome with me yeah because like he was very confident and then it turned out i found out why but uh big old yeah can i ask you a serious question if i may because we're fucking around yeah yeah yeah you know i mean i want to ask him a serious question yeah of course i told you think as a comic like sometimes i think you know like the reason why you know i had the upper hand in comedy was because i'm a smaller a korean dude and i look the way that i do right which sets me apart from other people yeah i mean do you think that the um dwarfism helped you in your comedy oh at first it helped yeah and then later it hurt what do you mean because at first it helped because of his joints i mean they're really there it's hard i had to walk a long way those comedy stools on stage are high you know how high the stage oh my god i had to get a sherpa for those things yeah yeah they had to make one of those get him up on stage go ahead so it helped at first yeah because then for the exact reasons that you described that people wanted something different on the show they didn't want to just your average straight white male like like like just a straight red-headed white guy like that's so boring yeah that's just so horrible and boring even if they do have a nice because i believe that it was harder for you you let him finish yeah but and then so that got me on shows but then it was harder to get past the threshold of people think i was a gimmick and people to actually like pass me on to the next stage of like oh no but he's he's actually funny like yeah actually funny yeah i don't know dude i think that's your own head saying that because it's like you know i mean there's a lot of space there's a lot of space yeah that's an echo oh it's okay yeah that's a big old head yeah when i was on the cruise when i was performing i thought to myself brad you would have just disappeared because he was shaking back and forth oh my god i love you and me and gone to the other side dude i love comedy on cruises fun right fun he had fun when it's a theme cruise yeah did you do the joker's one and bert's cruise i know i did the um the workaholics guys oh yeah oh yeah okay that was really fun that yeah it was me swartz and it was so much fun that's so cool yeah yeah uh i do the chris jericho rock and wrestling rager at sea wow so that's pro wrestling comedy and wrestling and heavy metal on a boat wow do you get to wrestle oh there's clips oh really yeah there there is a clip of me giving hornswoggle a stone cold stunner you can find that fucking way yeah oh he took off your hat he stole my hat that son of a bitch gives me the finger oh my god that was the moment when like sonic the hedgehog gets hit and the coin just fly out of him yeah yeah me giving another dwarf a stunner you gotta go down there it'll take him an hour to get back wow that sounds so that was so much fun so like so like As a wrestling fan, I can tell you, the holy shit chant is one of the best compliments a wrestler can get. And we got that just staring at each other. Oh, wow. I didn't have to go through a table of thumbtacks or anything like that. Look at that. That's a very holy shit moment. Did you practice that? No. Oh, that's instinctual? Felt it in the moment, man. Yeah, and that's a dwarf on dwarf crime. Okay. Wow. I'd love to know those stats on dwarf on dwarf crime. That's my favorite thing. You did it, but it was the same height as before. As I'm sitting down, it's the same height. Bro, I have watched dwarves get into actual fights. It is so funny. Really? It is so funny. So every summer, there's a national dwarf convention. Oh, my God. We got to go. We got to go. Where is it? This year, it's Mordor. That's very good. This year, it's in New Orleans. Oh, wow. We got to go. We got to go. Little Rock? Smallville? Pebbleton. Go back. Go back. The Little People of America at the LPA National Conference is an annual week-long event providing support, education, community for people with dwarfism and their families. That's a fun way of saying boning. Because that's all it's for. Last year was in San Diego. Yeah. Wow. I went to that one. So are the tickets half off? Yeah. You go. Stop it, dude. The only one is in Minneapolis. Minneapolis! Yes! That's a good one. Very good. That's a really good one. Very good. Yeah. So this year- It should not be in Ireland. If it's in Ireland, we're going to trip some people the fuck out. Yeah, dude. Someone's going to walk out of a pub and go, holy shit. This is like the- It's like when the crickets fell from the sky. You know? It's happening. It's a fucking sign of the apocalypse. So click on that thing, the Future National. I want to see this. 2026. It's happening. Yeah. In July? Yep. July. It's in New Orleans. And then 2027, it's in New York, New York. Wow. Wait. Why can't we go to this? Is it- If we went, would it be weird or no? Yeah. Okay. Oh, it would be weird. I mean- Yeah. We'd be showing off. Yeah. We don't have security guards or anything. Oh, okay. You guys get around it. Yeah, but what if you guys need to grab something from up on a top shelf or something? We need you guys. I mean, but the people that are working there are not dwarves, are there, or no? I mean, yeah. It's all volunteers. Everyone working there is dwarves. As well. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so like- Is the building smaller? No, it's a regular hotel, which always trips me out, because there's people staying in this hotel that don't know there's a dwarf convention going on when they book it, and they just show up like, I've hit the fucking- Some guy on a sales trip walks into the marquee, walks out of the bar, they're in the lobby, he's like, fuck. Could you imagine if you did drugs for like the first time, and then you woke up the next day, and you're surrounded? Yeah, at the Marriott. You're surrounded by dwarves. Like, tripping on mushrooms. I'd be like, holy shit, I fell into Narnia. So how many people go to this convention? Over a thousand. Right, so that's like 300 regular people. Yeah, yeah. A thousand little people go every single year. And now, is this raising money for anything at all? Yeah. So it's a charity. LPA. It's a charity. What does that stand for, LPA? Little People of America. Oh, there is an organization. Yeah. LPs in America. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. And now, this is actually- Let's be honest. This is similar to summer camps and all that stuff. This is just a hookup convention for young, single- Yeah. Yes. Yeah. You go all year, and you're friend-zoned, and then you go to a dwarf convention, and you're hot as fuck. That's pretty cool. Wow. And it's awesome. Now, were you getting laid at these when you were single, when you were going to these? Bro. Wait, seriously. With other dwarves? Bro. Really? Really. I've got stories. Give us a story. Wait, wait, wait. I've got a story. I've laid waste to some little women. What was the- So, little women turn you on? Yeah. Oh, okay. You're married to- What do you mean, little women turning on? Yeah, why is that funny? Because you acted surprised. No, I- No, he inquired. No, because I'll tell you why. Because I know some Asian dudes are attracted to white girls and not- Not the same. It is the same. Traitors. No, it's not. Yeah. They're traitors, right? Yeah. I love Asian women. He's married to a full-size Asian woman. I understand that. Oh, is he a traitor? I know her. He's a traitor. That's great. He's a traitor. He's a traitor. Yeah. He's not a traitor. You kind of are a traitor. Yeah. A lot of the dwarf women call me a traitor. Do they really? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah, this is very true. No, what do you mean? This is the same as like- Black guys. What? Like black guys with white girls. Yeah. What's up? Like black dudes when they're with white girls. That doesn't happen. And vice versa. Hey, hey. Who's the traitor there? You're going to leave him out there? Yeah. Go ahead. Let him fly. Oh, no. I don't need help on this because I know it's true. It's true. Okay. Oh, he knows about black women. He's seen that black women complain that black men are- He's with white girls. Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. That's what he means. I thought he meant he didn't like it. Oh. Oh, no, no. I was like, are you good? Yeah. No, I'm not. I didn't read that. But you understand, that was my boiled hamburger moment. Yeah, yeah. But also, he doesn't like it. But he doesn't like it. No, yeah. For what it's worth, yeah. Let's be honest. No, but okay. How many? And these are all, you're all a consenting adult. That's true. How many little people, how many little women, love that movie. How many little women? How many little women- We should remake it with little women. Why did they not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is that not? How many little women in a weekend? It's a weekend? It's a week. It's a full week? Yeah, full week. What was the full takedown number of a full week? Of my- How many women did you sleep with? Of my best year? Your best year. I mean, we hit two hands. No way. Yeah. You're talking one hour. You're talking one hour, two a day? Yeah. Wow. Wow. It was fun. Wow. Wow. I told you, it's a fuck carnival. Wow. I was fucking Matt Rife at that damn thing. It was great. You hooked up with Matt Rife. You're the Matt Rife of little people. The Matt Rife of little people. Yeah, wow. He's doing crowd work. No, I had a very good time when I was single. God, that's amazing. It was fun. But who do you find more attractive, little people or- This sounds- Non-little people. Or non-little people. What do you- Or reachers. Or reachers. Yeah. Yeah, can we call them reachers? Yeah. Wait, what's our derogatory names? Reachers, what's the other one you call us? Biggers. Biggers. Biggers. Yeah, biggers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Biggers, biggers. So who do you find more attractive? I say hard R. Okay. You have to say big R. I'll say biggers. Yeah. I can say biggers. Okay. Okay, got it. Okay. I don't like you, biggers. Yeah. Biggers be crazy. So do you prefer biggers, biggers, or do you prefer littlers? Littlers. Littlers. Littlers, right? Lilliputians. Lilliputians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just learning this. It sounds crazy, but I truly don't have a preference. Oh, yeah. I truly don't. Yeah. Because he's been with both women. Yeah. And it's great. I've just never had the opportunity to date a little person. Come on, you're Asian. There's plenty. To many women- Wait, wait, wait. To many women, you are the little person. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But you know what I mean, though. Yeah. Yeah. Have you had the opportunity? Like, I've never been hit on by a little person or- Gotta go to the convention, man. Yeah. I mean, I've never, I never have. That's kind of crazy. No, I've never been hit on. But because here's the thing. Every time I've ever seen like a little woman, she's with a little man. Yeah. It's like, I've seen many little men in pub, little men. I've seen, I don't know. It sounds- Slow down. Slow down. Smallers. Yeah, yeah. I've seen many male dwarfs in public without women, like by themselves or in a group. But I've almost never seen a dwarf woman with a group of other dwarf women in public out on the town. Why do there needs to be more than one? Do you have a selection? I'm just saying- What do you call that group of dwarfs? They're not M&Ms. What do I call them? Yeah. It's like a murder of crows. I like the green M&Ms. I mean- What's a group of dwarfs? Is it a coaster of dwarfs? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, dude. I've never seen a- A handful. A handful. Look at those girls for a handful. I can see like 20 women coming out of a Waymo. Bro, there was one time at a convention where there was a group, there was a group action going on, and there was- Wait a minute. What do we get? There was an orgy. Yeah. Of little people having a little people orgy. And there was about- LPOs. I call them LPOs. LPOs. Stop it, Carlos. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. We all slept in the same bed that night, but instead we slept like sideways. Like sardines? Yeah. We fit. You fit. We fit. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well, that's the best thing about that convention. You guys can all share a room. Yeah. One room. Like puppies and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. litter you call it a litter he told you it's called a handful handful handful okay and uh yeah yeah you throw a couple pillows in the bathtub you get three more in there wow wow you're good so how many people fit on the bed i want to do the math on this so and this is real what size bed is it wait wait wait it's a king hotel bed okay he's gonna tell you what is actually real no jokes no jokes no jokes all right we always make sure there's either like six or eight of us oh my oh my god there can't be seven of us why the animals are singing yeah yeah yeah oh we do that on purpose this is like a sleeping white girl we will literally look around be like okay there's six if one guy comes up we're like you can't come in you can't come in yeah find another oh that's really that's lore then it's a lore thing we don't like it yeah yeah oh you don't like it yeah we like we're there can't there cannot be seven of us in a room wow that's so funny but that's really fine nine's fine though no yeah yeah yeah any none about seven because okay totally cool because of the movie yeah by the way did you guys see the the results of the razzy awards no no uh the cgi dwarf actors oh that's right you want me that won an award which i think is i think that's great fucking fantastic yeah that you know it was uh not actual dwarves playing the dwarves yeah which i know you have a big gripe with are you still mad at that yeah of course i'm still mad that i'm just not on the fucking payday dude yeah yeah all all the dwarves are not dwarves they're not dwarves they're not dwarves they're not dwarves all seven artificial dwarves all the ai cgi dwarves got yeah yeah as we're as we're supporting actor and nicholas cage was up there steven dorf greg kinnear and sylvester salone who's caged with cage for what gunslingers oh i see yeah we yeah seven phones it in seven seven cgi dwarves didn't used to one for we're supporting actor and according to this website uh they took home a joint razzy stealing yet another award that could have gone to a real life dwarf actor that's very funny let me ask you something i could have won that razzy now if they did use um dwarves in the actual movie and you didn't get the part of the seven would you be mad heartbroken oh yeah that would be heartbreaking it's like being one of the funniest guys on planet earth and not getting it yeah because they're right that would be heartbreaking it it truly would be because it's like there's there's not that many of us well like doing the acting the acting space yeah yeah like how many in there i would argue there's too many of you in the non-actors yeah gotta get you down to one profession probably 20 right i mean you see the same guys there at every audition right you know like it's like 50 50 getting it for you probably yeah if they used dwarves who's your like frederick douglas or like is there a historical figure that you can go back to absolutely yeah yeah who is it billy barty billy barty that's what i want to know look up billy barty here billy barty uh he was an actor and he actually founded little people of america he founded lpa wow so we so all of those orgies happen because of billy yeah thank you billy barty hey that's your mlk yeah okay wow yeah we we should at least get a half day off work oh yeah for for his birthday i had a dream you're right he does a speech i mean i'd make fun of you but that's kind of what he sounded like yeah yeah billy barty yeah that so that yeah so that's our guy wow that's your guy and how and how and how long ago did he pass away how long has he been dead uh i don't know let me see 2000 he died 2000 so you never met him oh no i i i've met him you've met billy barty yeah wow yeah he's great did you get nervous when you met him no because i didn't really know who he was but then oh he didn't know his social impact yeah at the time you didn't yeah and now and now i know you blew off billy barty yeah he was in willow yeah yeah he was just i was the r2d2 or no that was kenny baker oh kenny baker i know way too much yeah no that's good you know your history i think that's important i gotta know my history they gave they gave us a little history yeah so it's more of a pamphlet not really a whole book so he died at what what does it say yeah 76 is that what he was but historically but historically who's your like you do have a gang it's con back then or oh like oh like a evil dwarf like is there an evil dwarf back then like two and a half years ago i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know three four hundred years i mean i think uh there was one dwarf serial killer oh whoa this is dude uh i forget his name well look at this there's there's a couple here there's uh tom thumb the original tom thumb charles stratton yeah and then there was uh uh count joseph borowski a three three polish born entertainer musician author who's welcomed european courts later lived in england the ovitz family family jewish entertainers romania the oh okay the ovitz family i if if you gave me unlimited power in hollywood i make that movie the ovitz family yeah why why why why they were a family of jewish dwarves from romania but they were taken to auschwitz and uh they were experimented on and like they were did all and not all of them survived don't do it come on do it don't do it bobby don't it's a hat on a hat don't i really don't have a joke for it don't yeah you don't do it don't do it to my face don't look at me yeah yeah remember i have a child yeah yeah just a little train stop it do you want is he gonna put you guys in the toaster oven easy bake easy bake you guys are in dog cages yeah yeah you heard the ding of the easy bake you're like ding dwarves are done oh my god so those are the worst jokes dwarves of auschwitz yep wow that's so fucked up that's so fucked up that's the documentary that was dude no no the food no i'm gonna ask what are you doing real though stop it can i be real about it right it's like you mean right you they weren't as hungry i knew it i knew it because it's not as if they give you like less bread they give everyone a slice of bread we're sitting there like we're eating good you just get like a proton we gotta starve the dwarves what do we do croutons croutons is a loaf of bread did you guys get the same amount of food i don't know i wasn't there okay all right that old yeah yeah yeah seven dwarves of auschwitz the fact there were seven of them seven dwarves of auschwitz that's the original story that is crazy remake that disney and i swear to god if you see if you cgi people seven dwarves of auschwitz that's a cool story that's a cool fucking wow that you get they got to make that movie i really want the movie that you should produce i want to produce it yeah i just don't have them enough money right now no you got to find the rights to it is what you got to do yeah yeah who has the ip of that yeah who the hell is john the dwarf yeah john the dwarf the desert father of early christianity yeah john what's john the dwarf blame me a coptic desert father yeah all right and then there was one dwarf i know who who was actually the one that actually mapped like uh the side of the human body like one of the first well because he could crawl in there exactly make one slice and i'm in there fuck through where how do you know where the i've been there because i have been so i've been there i can tell the tale we're so sorry man i feel bad i feel i mean that's not funny dude it's okay it's so fucked up it's all right andrew andrew you'd see the lump in the chest like from aliens in fact that's what the motivation for alien was that burst out of the chest there are five arteries around the heart there are five five there's four there's four chambers god damn hold on i'm gonna find out how many stomachs we have i'll be right back what do you think he's been in there for so long come in with us oh god this is why we've been friends for so long so long because we have the most fun we love you so much oh god and brad by the way oh brad by the way for people that want to know not just a great guy great comedian has a special out right now please go watch it's live lot listen to the title of this you ready yeah it's real tell them the name of the title live on short street it was filmed on short street the theater the theater he filmed that sits on shorts wow lexington in lexington kentucky and when does it come out brad a uh april 12th april 12th yeah check it out april 12th on my youtube channel yeah go to brad williams comedy you can you you can watch it some might argue it's a short film amazing yeah that dude if that ever won like i should make that seven dwarves about seven dwarves of auschwitz but make it a short film oh my god just so we can win best short film at the oscars that'd be so good that'd be so good he's a little funny no he's very funny don't see say thank you thank you for being a bad friend hey everybody thank you for being a bad friend wow so good you