Bobbychella & The King's Fool

Hey, bad friends. I am going to be in San Diego, Bobby's hometown on June 28th at the sound in Del Mar, North County. Come on out, dude. Take a break from the water and the sun. San Diego comes in at the sound. June 28th, two shows, early show on a late show, June 28th. Then July 24th, I'm going to be in St. Charles, Missouri, basically St. Louis right next door. Next door neighbors come out and see me at the Maristar casino, St. Charles St. Louis, Missouri. That's July 24th. June 28th in San Diego. Come out and see me go to Andrew Santino dot com for those tickets. Andrew Santino dot com. You two are bad friends. You're these two idiots. You two are disgusting. You two are something bad friends. Pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, Yeah, what about gas gas you're in the lowest grade gas you get the low-gray. Yeah, I get to premium anyway That's just with that's gas with tomatoes and sour cream exactly Working it's like I'll make potato. Yeah, have you gotten a conoscopy? I have it. Yeah, I just got my Let's bring up the results. No, I can tell you the results. It was awesome. The phone call made me happy. Yeah, zero polyps No, no polyps no cancer. They did find a fingernail Apparently my ass was like a well from the little silence of the lamp Things are crawling out of it. You know, I mean, I think my poop has claws because they're just crawling out Some's gotta be yeah, they found a fingernail. Yeah, yeah, and a little bit of AIDS, but They tested it. It's pure This is back from Coachella Bobby Lee and Carlos Herrera went out to the desert. They were at Coachella They were ripping it up to TMZ reported on it Well, ripping it up is I'll tell you what happened and I made my my my my my show you my Coachella experience I never been before it's why intro to showing off his wrist band Hot shot with the new wrist band. Yeah Go ahead Asshole Tag you now. Yeah, asshole. Yeah, Erigan asshole. What second that's everything an A Well, it's up to you. What section are you in asshole? Yeah, sick dog. I'm in douchebag. Yeah, that's artist That's artists. So whose artist pass was it mine? What artist gave you an artist pass? Well, I'll be honest with you. We we we know a guy, you know I should say his name. Yeah, I and he's a pure white He's a what I like how to call a forever white Like me. Yeah, you're forever white. Yeah, like you guys are the good ones Right, I mean Pete. I think I would put you in that category. Oh, what about my cone. Yeah, not really He can turn on a dime. Yeah, hey, he's a legion says I don't know who's the legion says is to he that he is such a Fence sitter. We don't know where we don't know where he is Yeah, he's sort of like Pakistan right right who you are? We're gonna negotiate We're doing the negotiations, right? Yeah, but what what's really going on here Pakistan is great Yeah, but so we um He really hooked us up this guy call. He's such a nice guy. I hugged him a thousand times I was so grateful that you know, I mean we were able to go and um, who's the gentleman? You're a friend too? Cole, he's the director. He's the director of the whole festival. Oh cool. Yeah, yeah, really cool guy He looked after us and we the only show I saw I thought I saw two shows and he saw three or miserable at one I barely saw one. Oh, who was the third? Oh, so the first I say to Sabrina Carpenter Let me tell you about Sabrina Carpenter. Fill me in. Okay. Well, um, she's um a good performer. Mm-hmm Pretty Uh, she gave it her all Um, I had rather been in an iced detention center I'd rather been in a Japanese internment camp Um, it was pure painful until That's me until Grand Madonna came out and when Grand Madonna came out I was so excited Grand Madonna Grand Madonna Madonna came out but the Grand Version Old Madonna. Yeah Yeah, Grand Madonna. Yeah, Grand Madonna. Yeah, Grand Mama, Grand Mama Madonna. Yeah, Grand Mama Modella. Yeah, yeah And she did Vogue and went, you know, I mean come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah She's a striker pose and when she striked a pose She had her fucking walking Her walker. Yeah, we're Walker. It was incredible We'll strike a pot and she was doing that, right? She was doing a lot of leaning against, you know, I mean objects. I heard Madonna's tour bus pulled up into the handicap parking spot Wait a minute, but she was incredible. Was she a surprise guest? Yeah. Oh, we heard the so you know, I'm watching us Here's another weird thing is when you never heard of the music I kept calling about Karen Carpenter. Oh, yeah, because I did I kept messing up the names Karen Carpenter is a good performer is what I look at look at the set, right? She was good Yeah, yeah, yeah Karen Carpenter was so good great musician. You barely see her. She's so skinny So this is Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina Carpenter. She's killing it on stage But when you haven't heard the music before like not a single have you heard of the music before? No, I didn't know anything. Yeah, yeah, I kept calling to look at car laws and the girls Me jewels, he's loving it are going crazy like saying the words, you know espresso. Oh, espresso. Yeah, yeah, that's her song. Oh, yeah, is it How does it? How does it go? I don't know espresso. Espresso. Espresso. Espresso. Hey, hey, hey, why don't you get me an espresso? Let me do the lyrics and see if I can get that Yeah, yeah, see if you could do it. Yeah, yes Now he's thinking about me every night. Oh, isn't that sweet. I guess so say you can't sleep Baby, I know that's me espresso. You zoom in and maybe try to me doing a lyric here. Yeah, sure Move it up down left right on switch up like Nintendo say you can't sleep baby. I know that's me espresso I can't relate to desperation my give a fuck star on vacation and I have this one boy He wants to call in when the x-way. I know I got him wait a minute time out. Yeah, yeah I can't relate to desperation. Yeah, I give a fucks are on vacation. Yeah, clean. Yeah, and I got this one boy He won't stop calling. Yeah, when they act this way. You know, I got him. No And I don't like that. I don't like it either too bad for your ex. Don't do it for you. Yeah, yeah Walked in a dream came true to it for yeah soft skin and not perfumed it for yeah. Yes. I know For you. Yes, that morning coffee brewed it for you. Yes, that one touch brand. I knew it for you Now you think about me every night isn't that sweet? Get you can't sleep. You know That's not how it goes. No, yeah, yeah, it was much slower Well, it should have been faster. If all the songs are faster, it'd be like a 15 minutes that Oh, are you lying? I turned the car. I was like long as this he goes 45 minutes her set. Yeah, and then an hour and a half in I looked at him and go you're a fucking lawyer It's because the strokes didn't play long last week. So I assumed it would be the same amount of time Yeah, so um but when grandma Donna grandma grandma Madonna came out It was exciting because she did a vogue just like a prayer with Karen Carpenter and it was like a prayers one of my favorite songs. Yeah, yeah, it's so it was like Then I got goosebumps right right and I was oh fuck, you know, this is incredible But then I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Well, it's too many people man. Oh my well in our area You're in the VIP. Yeah, he was by the trailers like Snoop dog walked by him It's like laying back getting recognized snoop walk by highs. Well, you're sitting next to a guy is like, you know Talking for a while and then I go what do you do is like oh, I'm in the suicidal tendencies. Oh, really? Oh, yeah Yeah, like that it was that kind of vibe, you know me and and then so then The strokes came on the second night. Wow, and that was fun. They're they're good They were good and then I turned to jewels Esa and This kid Kua. They do not know and they're just You have no idea what's going on. Well, they don't know the strokes, right? They don't know and also when when Madonna came out Esa goes when who came out Madonna came out who Grandma Donna came out. Yeah, grandma. Lisa looked at jewels and goes, who is that? Which is crazy. It's weird to be in this like they're in the gap where that's too old And the strokes are not as old as Madonna, but not their style of yeah Yeah, yeah, so they're missing these two right that's kind of why also when you're the oldest guy in the whole place It feels weird. I know. I mean, you would see other but they're working It's like Rick Rubin and you yeah Rick Rubin me there's a guy with a camera that's like you know me been doing it for 40 years You're in a class of your own. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so then we oh, so we're sitting there the YouTube area It's lightly lit and then then we to the second level above us was literally the Manson girls You mean like Charles Manson's. Yeah, do you remember in once up at that time in Hollywood that girl that was hitchhiking? Yeah, so there's three girls up there. They're they're wearing no shoes. Wait Margaret quality was right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not that. No, they were wearing no shoes They were like hippie chicks at Sponrin. Yeah, and they're just like yeah Oh, and you here's the most that's cool though. Here's the most what once I walked in is the most annoying I knew I was gonna have a good time what the lady at the gate. She says to me watch this. This would don't know you Yeah, I'm going through and she gets Stay hydrated. Oh, yeah, like bitch. I know what water is Like I've been drinking water longer than you. I know about the electrolyte. I know about the whole thing to be fair What I don't look like I'm hydrated. You look quite dry I do no. Yeah, yeah, you're a sober guy. Just speaking to the drug addicts that are there that places fill people on drugs and drinking heavily. Yes, most you know me times Google how many people pass out or need medical help at a Coachella weekend. I guarantee you I guarantee you it's in the hundreds of people Because here's why every year something bad people have they pass out People overdose the weekend before a lightbulb a gigantic lightbulb this side fell on a person's head. I heard about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy Look at this. What does that say? 80 walk at 21 amp 21 amp. Okay, 84 amputees. So last year a hundred people had to get Emergency services because they're either too high. Yeah, they're not drinking water Which is why that woman is doing her job. Yeah, and if she's doing her job, it'll go down again next year It wasn't what she was saying is how she said it you didn't like her her vibe. Yeah, drink water Yeah, like stay I would make me laugh though. It made me laugh at first, but didn't mean to be mad. Yeah, you got to know of like you know I mean, I know how water works. Yeah, lady. I know how water. Yeah, I know what you know how water works right just found out This stuff is fantastic. It's the best beverage on the best beverage owner. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, so so then your backstage the Manson girls are there Yeah, yeah, this is a big group or did you guys split up with you and Jules Nisa were they would everyone good point It was me the girl I was seeing and car laws and behind us were three Manson girls, you know me with no shoes on and they're just You know me just doing things. I like that. I know you liked it. That's when you said the other thing. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but they were like, you know, I mean, yeah, yeah, and it's like Like it's also I know how much it costs to be there in that area. Yeah I mean, and they you're the feeder to dirt, but you didn't have to pay for that area. They did what you so that's what I'm saying It's like here's um so I was in the artist area and there was three bloaks They're from England. Hello Mike. Hello Mike. Right. I go. Oh, yeah, Baba lay high And I go yeah, and they're like I go what do you guys do? You know, I mean we're investors Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're fine. It's a better. Yeah, yeah, and so you realize it's just all rich people. Oh money Right. We've got really old money. Yeah, I really go. Yeah, and then you realize when you're there in front of a sea of people And you go in your mind. You're trying to have a good time. Mm-hmm, but in your mind We're in a war Would you ever go to Coachella? Yeah, I told you I think I I went to like the fifth or sixth one. Yeah, ever Yeah, and I've never been back. Yeah, I went to it and I was like this is at you know me That is my nightmare. You know me. That's my nightmare thousands of people like I can't do that I but you know, but you're different in the fact that like you can enjoy You can enjoy like the scene with with with the family you can with the girls. Was I enjoying you eventually did Yeah, you found like good in it. Yeah, yeah, I can go to one show if it's a one band. I want to see. Yeah I can't do you can't we sit through Karen Carpenter for what the fuck now? We're now like a festival a Karen Carpenter I can't do that that gives me anxiety. I don't where do you poop? Where do you poop? Oh in it? They have nicer ones now. Oh, they do for the VIP. There's nicer ones. They look like like maybe a nobo um bathroom Yeah, I went to nobo. I don't know my coachella. Yeah, I'll tell you about my nobo But I wanted to say this a lot. Yeah, so the nobo is one thing all right, so So I made a I made a promise with myself. I'll never go back. I don't care about it. Thank you It depends I don't care if it's the return of Jesus Christ I'll go to hell Return of Jesus Christ Right. I ain't going. Would he play the main stage? It couldn't get Jesus on the main stage They're like look. Yeah, yeah, Harry on the Grande beats. Yeah, the Mary Styles is gonna get main stage. Jesus stage coach That's so fun. Jesus is at Bonnaroo. Yeah. I mean, they could do the return of the Beatles I have George and John's bones up there just I would not go. I mean, I still would not go Mary and Mary and it Yeah, he points He's so funny Taxman Still wouldn't go you wouldn't go never go I would never go back right terrible to do the thing So then Carlos says to me he goes I got you know boo Where at Coachella and I go. Oh, that's cool. Thank you. He's at seven o'clock for my birthday How did you do that? Hey, and for for your birthday. I got you Coachella. Thank you Yeah, I mean, so I think that I won It's not a contest. I know, but what you just said was oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you did you did do that He just did do I'm a little edgy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, why? So he gets it? Oh, okay, I want to say this. Oh, I'm like and I want to knock on you. So first of all you fucking lied because I when I called you and we talked I said did you do any drugs at coachella and you said no, I'd consider Molly a drug because it's not just drugs. It's not just oh, I'm sorry Can I interrupt can I interrupt yeah, do you? Yeah, yeah, he comes out into the because we have we air beer and be at a house. Yeah, he comes into the living room I'm sorry. Wait, happy birthday. He brings out a Bible. Oh, no Why you're on Molly? No, and he opens up the Bible. It's not a Bible It's a drug pharmacy Carlos You still have the drug Bible That's insane. Yeah, it's like a little travel case. Yeah, his little Bible. There's a lock on it. I know. Yeah. Oh, thanks That's good dog and kid proof. That's why brought it written Arab Arabic Still written the Arabic is talking about right in Shallah. Yeah, and so are you mad at that? No, it may be for so much fun. Yeah, yeah, so then He makes me go to nobo now. It sounds good. Nobo make you go to no time halt stop. Let him get it out. Where is the nobo? Just in the middle of the festival. There's a nobo in the grounds like they built a fucking nobo they built a nobo in the grounds What That's crazy, but unfortunately they built it So you're you're on a patio outside and literally 200 feet or way is the stage of the EDM festival Right, so you're eating You're eating you're eating sushi in an earthquake It was the most unpleasant human experience And I felt bad for the sushi chefs Oh, yeah, because you have to be there all day. Oh, I bet they got paid handsomely I hope so I guarantee you they made so much fucking money because they're all they listening to this That's the view yeah, I gotta tell you that's the view that's the stage And that's not one speaker That's all of the speaker. Yeah, that's the kind of speakers in close encounters with third kind they couldn't get it with aliens. Yeah I mean that's that speaker You know what I wish I knew about investing earlier in my life. Yeah me too. Yeah, and acorns is the thing Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. That's exactly right because here's the problem People think oh, you need a lot of money to start investing. No, no, you don't you don't you can start investing with whatever you got right now Because it's all about the future. 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interesting I've been there like it as if I've never been there do you like it in what way exactly in what way did I did it to you my friend every time I go to Vegas this this is your face so much smoke oh yeah I can't breathe dude Michelle Wee says I've been here who does Michelle Wee oh the athlete probably the greatest female golfer on earth she loves you she loves you yeah loves you oh I wish Bobby would come to something like yeah Michelle Wee West one of the best and then we were watching the strokes Josh Adam Myers walks by like in the elite area to his voice and you know he's with the strokes you know I mean and I go hey Josh he doesn't turn around he taxes me later where are you oh you think he saw you and pretended to not see you I don't know that's fucked up I don't know oh Bobby oh he's on too right yeah yeah you think he did a thing where it's like I don't know I love that I love that yeah because he's in a different class what does that mean what do you mean oh he's with the band you're with the band no I wasn't I was back we went back there to see them and I couldn't get to him yeah he was looking for the I love and you couldn't get to yeah yeah we couldn't find them we couldn't find them yeah but there was we ran to that comedian Megan Stalter Stalter I said hi to her I'm Meg Stalter yeah I told her so funny and then I ran into just like Minnie Mouse yeah she's funny yeah and this is one kid we don't still don't know who he is but he had like three what do you call him Carlos oh like piercings on his right eye and he was a kind of sweaty was I just got off stage the main stage we still don't know who it was a comedian now he was a performer oh yeah yeah there was no comedy at Coachella right imagine I mean they could have they could have comedy tent and do very well I bet you think so 100% yeah they do that what do you mean but you wouldn't it wouldn't be our types of comedy I looked at the demographic there's just no way who would it be who would headline Coachella okay oh I guess it's good this is I mean first of all yeah yeah yeah Chappelle could easily do that she could but I'm talking about it would be more like on the smaller tents a smaller tent more of a I could see motion cashier yeah he's types you know I mean he's side he's side yeah I get that I could see David cross doing well no fucking way he would never go out there that's another that's when I said that I go I promise you this I will not run into a sink except for mag but she's an actress right I'll not run into a traditional stand of a comic here ever because there's just I imagine David tell sitting there watching Karen Carpenter no but that's not where that's not true there's there comics that are in a psychedelics would absolutely go to that there's a lot of comics that like music and psychedelics I'm sure there's a lot of guys that would go do that I'm I just I never ran into one I bet you there's way more than you thought we're out there you think so I would assume that like yeah no not you know I couldn't see like a traditional not like Louis CK yeah there's no way Louis gonna be there watching you know I mean Sabrina Carpenter no but there's some people that are that yeah there's some drug drug comics that like to get high and listen to music oh so it what what when did Bieber end 1 a.m. 1 a.m. I imagine being out there at 1 a.m. in the desert it was great yeah he loved it yeah I'm 54 my body couldn't do it got to go home I did the strokes I did three hops and then everything broke rumor he was hopping hard yeah I was hopping hard I broke from the stroke I mean it I couldn't bob anymore you loved it though because you were on MDMA yeah I took it for Bieber I didn't yeah yeah he did no you were taking it all day long I saw those are mushrooms okay sure eating mushrooms all day and it took my life for Bieber yeah it was the warm up yeah yeah and then he slept in the house with you he slept in the door but I had to lock the door yeah yeah yeah he was literally right next to me I had to lock the door how many it was a lot of rooms yeah they're a lot like 12 rooms and you slept next to him yeah yeah but I had to lock his door to my room yeah because I was with my friend in it and it's like I didn't want him to walk in right right because that would be that'd be gross because then he would take his clothes off yeah me and then try to wrap it in me I thought about you on the week all weekend because I was with the table of friends and one of my friends girlfriends yeah didn't understand how I could pick out which of the girls on the floor the casino were professionals oh so she's like how do you know I'm like what it's so clear like it's so obvious what girls are out what tell me the rules what's the hottest one wearing nice shoes first of all dead giveaway at any casino you go to like the bar there if you're at a casino and you're not gambling but what casino any every all everyone all center of the because there's always a center bar well there's always a bar that's near where the tables are right whether people are paying $80 a drink but you can get a drink for free if you just gamble yeah so it's the dumbest shit yeah so it's usually a single girl sitting alone who's remarkably attractive wearing a dress that's not even on her body yeah and she's on her phone the whole time yeah right and then she's waiting at the bar for you know old man McGillicutty to sit down yeah who's got a suit jacket the old guys always have a suit jacket that are rich they don't dress like I love old man old men are the best no middle middle call it cutty McGillicutty McGillicutty McGillicutty McGillicutty and they're always alone they always are alone because then what they do is old man McGillicully McGillicully because they're going on alone he's not alone he's with the guys okay but the professionals alone yeah and then she chums it up oh my god man and then gives him the thought oh this is the she's like who are you here with and he's with some some friends she's like let me get some of my friends and then you'll see the professional start coming like moth to a flame a few other hot girls were some somehow show up I don't know where or like Bob and his older what or like Bob oh moth to a flame is the phrase but yeah I'm just any kind of source of any kind of source of yeah incandescent I would be yes incandescent yeah and they'll show up and then you'll just notice yeah five very slovenly looking middle of nowhere men yeah with three to five unbelievably attractive women wearing nothing half of their age and you're like these guys are going to get run on by these professionals yeah these girls are going to take these guys I we watched it happen like live and my friends girlfriend was like how did you how did you like call that I was like it it's it's so see through why would that girl talk to that guy because he's got the cash baby go to the high limit rooms hmm always a professional walking around or sit and kind of waiting near it I would have no idea it's so obvious yeah 100 percent I have no idea so you can pick them off from mile away very easy yeah it happened when we were where was I just oh with because my assumption would be like oh she's her boyfriend's in the bathroom no you know I mean oh she's just waiting for a boyfriend in the bathroom you can always tell really you it's just there's a vibe that they're doing that you're like they're they're obviously waiting for their target like they're waiting for the target to arrive if you walk up to her and if guys walk up to her and flirt with her which I'm sure they do she probably fucks them off why because she's looking for the she goes fishing she's not looking to be caught she's fishing oh she's fishing she's finding the idiot that she's looking to take down so they find the guy you see you see all these things like target take down what is going on here they're on the military yeah because you're scaring me well they work they seriously works like that's everything is strategy you can just see the way they operate it's all strategy by the way they they operate with these guys but you we watched it happen and she was shocked she like couldn't believe it I was like well we saw it in Vegas together with you and then when I was a Gillis same thing we set at the bar me and Derosa are sitting at the bar having a cocktail yeah I'm about to go to bed because I play golf the next morning yeah and this girl sitting alone and then she slowly is like kind of leaning in on our conversation and she zones in on Derosa and I slowly fade off into the background right and I can see it happen you become a whisper and I text it on my show don't do anything stupid oh what so but what what happens next and she does chats who you heard without a legal formal tell me the rules then he buys or a drink, he buys her a drink, then it's like, I don't know, have another drink. - How much is that? - You want a gamble. Drinks at those bars are like 25 bucks, probably. They're a rip off. - Yeah, but they don't drink so. - And then she goes, oh, I want to go gamble. Do you want to gamble? Oh my god, let's go gamble, just you and me. Separate him from the herd, right? This is how they kill their prey. They go, let's go gamble, you and me. So then they take them to a table. Dude, I've seen it happen. - I've seen it happen. - And then they take them to a table, or they go, let's play slots, whatever, and it's like-- - So you can tell this guy, this target, you can call them the USA. - I mean, we can't, right? - Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you take the USA into, I mean, a hostile environment. - 'Cause the USA thinks she's the man. I'm the man. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got money. - I got money, I'll give you money. - I'll give you whatever you want, okay. Now I'm beginning to see it now, yo. (laughing) I'm beginning to see it now. - Yeah, okay. - It's the greatest analogy of all time. - I think so, I think so. - I mean, it's perfect. - It's perfect. - And they separate them, they start to gamble, they're drinking more, they're gambling. - Right, right. - Maybe then comes in the drop about, should we get a bag? - Whoa. - Do you want to, oh, do you like to party? - Yeah, yeah. - Then this drops in, right? Then you start to see the swirl in. - What's a bag? - Coke. - Do you want a bag? - Should we get a bag? - Yeah. - Yeah, sure. - Yeah, and then depending on if-- - Is that the term? - Get a bag, yeah. - 'Cause I wouldn't know what that meant. If she goes, "If you want a bag, I got one bag of rofers." - Well, you want an Instacart? - Let's go to Trader D. - I wouldn't know the term. - It'd be so funny to take a prostitute just to trade her jokes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Do you take her-- - This is what I meant. - I just want to stuff her by apartment. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Then they asked for drugs, and if the subject is-- - Like if I said, I don't do bags. - That's fine, you're probably less likely now for her to attack harder. - Oh, okay, so give me the situation. - Now I say, okay, I say, all right. - So you're sober? - Yeah, I've been sober for four years, and I'm gonna talk like Coachella. (laughing) I just wanted to go, it was just there. You know what I mean? Hydra. - And then so on. - All right, so-- - I'm the professional. - You're the professional. So, yeah, I don't do drugs, I've been sober for four years. - I don't have a bag. - That's no problem. - That's not a problem? - Not at all. - Okay, so what do we do now? - Let's go gamble some more. - Okay, let's gamble. We're sober gambling, I spent about three grand, right? And then at one point, what happens after that? She goes, oh God, is this hotel nice? - Oh yeah, I have a suite here. - You do? - Yeah. - Can I check it out? I wanna see, I've never seen the suites here. - Okay, see, you're in. - All right, so we go to the elevator. Boop, 'cause you have to put the boop. - You're in the elevator. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you take your, you have to hack your room key, boop it, right? Then, then, then, then, then, then, then, yeah. So, once you see the room, I mean, what happens? - I just wanna check it out. - Oh, you wanna check it out? - All right, we're in the room. - Yeah, I wanna do a shot, let's do a shot. - Yeah, I don't drink, I just fucking said that. I don't do bags or drink. - Can I do a shot? - Yeah, I guess. - Okay, I do a shot. - Right. - Ready? - Right. - Feel like it, it's warm in here. Shirts off, tits out. - Wait, Andrew? - Yeah. - She needs to go to the bathroom first to text her pimp that she's okay. - Oh, yeah. - So the bathroom, yeah, yeah, yeah. - By the way, by the way, I've only seen this from the floor level. Carlos needs to take it from here. - Right, right. - I actually don't know the next move. I'm making it up as we go, but that sounds right. Text her pimp, well, tell us what they do when they get up in the room. - Yeah, hold on, can I use your restroom? And then like, it's like 10 minutes. It's way too long. Like, things are happening. - How much does this cost? - Carlos? - Yeah. - In Vegas, a G minimum. And then she's gonna take her shirt off. - Yeah. - She'd be like, "Oh, if you wanna do anything else, you have to tip me." - So they take their shirt off? - Yeah. - And she says you have to tip me, but you already paid her $1,000. - Anything else is extra. You have to tip me. - $1,000 is just a hang with her? - Yeah, just for five minutes. - No, that's no way. - That I'm serious. - For nothing. - That's how they really-- - Yeah, I'm out. That's how they rip me off. - You're not even getting like a tuggy or something? - No, that's how they rip people off in Vegas or LA. It feels to it, you know what I mean? - The only story I know, I mean, other than the ones you've told me, but from a friend of mine who isn't a guy that would do this usually, this was very out of pocket for him, but I think he was newly single and going through a rough patch. This is a long time ago. But he told me they were drinking and he thinks that she drugged him. Well, okay, she knows, he knows. I mean, he was drinking all day, he was hammered. But then he passed out, blacked out, passed out. And then when he woke up, his watch and his cash were gone. - Oh, yeah, that happens to like NBA players all the time. - Yeah, and they call on their friends. - Well, then what's the worth, what is it worth it? It's not worth it. - Well, and not that way. - Just jerk off. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - That's what I do, just jerk off. - Yeah, but see, but here's the difference. - Well, get on Luxa Pro. - Yeah, that's what I do. - Get on an SSRI. - Yeah, he does help. - This is commercial for SSRI. Are you having trouble with prostitutes? (laughing) Get on an SSRI. No, but so have you been robbed before? - No, no, because I've-- - But you know the stories. - Yeah, you know. - So you keep doing-- - And in those situations, and I've like backed out. - But why are you still doing it knowing that it's dangerous? - Oh, that was so long ago. - Yeah, but he-- - I'm the pro. - No, but he-- (laughing) - I know, but here's the thing about you. - You think you're the pro at someone. - He's you like excitement. - Yeah. - You're sort of like a navy seal in that way. - Exactly. - And no other way whatsoever. (laughing) - This story is just back to the navy seals. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, some of the most, like, adored, athletically, mentally, physically strong. - You are nothing like the navy seal. - Except for this way. - Except for this. (laughing) - Can we train in California? - They train all over the place. - They train all over the world, all over the world. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - By the way, he's gonna run-- - Are you good at water? - I'm good at water. - Okay, he's good at water. - Have you swam? - No. - Not a water. - You're not a water guy? - You know what you are. You're not a seal. - Yeah. - Well, you're a beached seal. - That's nice. You're chilling on the beach. - Oh, it'd be so funny if his, like, you know what I mean? His patrol or whatever, right? They're on their fighting. They're worth Carlos and he's still swimming. (laughing) This is two days in. A hundred yards off the shore. I'm on my way. (laughing) - I'm vaping the whole time. - You'd be vaping in the world. - Yeah, you're not a seal. - Watching basketball on my iPhone. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - By the way, vaping, I wish overtook cigarettes completely because of this in Vegas every time. And now, it's like people still smoke in Vegas. Even though I know they don't smoke back where they're from, this game people play. Just vape, please vape. 'Cause I don't, I'm huffing and puffing your shit at it. Just vape. Everywhere should be vape. There should be only cell vapes everywhere all over Vegas. No cigarettes. It's fucking obnoxious. How was he a Navy seal again? - I forgot. - I spaced out. - I know why, because you like extreme. - Yes. - Oh, you like danger? - Yeah. - You like danger? You're like living on the edge. Even at your age. - Arosmeth. - Yeah, yeah. And you like the mystery of it all. - Yeah. - Like the chase. - Yeah. - Yeah, I've like run from the cops three times. - Yeah, you're talking about the motorcycle thing and stuff like that, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But, so now you think you've got it at a place where if you get, if you pay for a friend. - Yeah. - If we're going to say this eloquently, you think you're safe from any sort of. - Oh, I know I am, because I'm like a member of certain things where it's all verified. - Oh. - Oh. - Yeah. - What do you mean you're in a private club? - Oh. - Yeah. - I'm going to tell you this right now, whatever. - I want to know how much you pay to be in the private club. - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, I got it in early. - He got it in early. He invested early. - Oh, what, like a-- - I literally-- - Like it's AI. - It's inside of trading. (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah. - Who else is in there? - Yeah, who's the else in there? - What other insider traders are in there? - I feel like there are famous people in there, but I would-- - In your private club. - Wow. - I believe that if Carlos was a king. - Oh, this is what you said about that? - No, no, no, no. If Carlos was a king, that would all be dead. - Popper, popper, popper. - What do you mean? - What's the popper, popper, popper? - King of Prince of Popper, he's a popper, he's a popper. - Yeah, yeah, popper. - But do you think we'd be alive? - If he was a king, only because of the loyalty that we've had, he's had to us so far, we'd still live through his, his-- - Yeah, but what position will we have? - Oh, ask him, he's right there. - Yeah, like your king, what position do I have? And be completely honest. - Obviously you're my court's jester. - Yeah, that's fine, of course. - You're my fool. - What do I get though? - I'm your fool? - You're my fool. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I keep you drunk and I make you relapse. (laughing) - Wow, okay. - And you have a chain around your neck? (laughing) - I do. - Like a bear in Russia and like the 1800s. - Yeah, but do I get like a condo or an area of a good night's up there? - I don't know. - Oh, please, in the castle of sleep. - The jester lives in the basement. - I live in the basement? - No, I would give him like a really cool view of like the ocean. - Oh, go cool. - Yeah, he gets everything. - Can I get in the no chain? - No, chain all the way. - Why? - Yeah, there's this chain. And you have a guy walking with you all the time to watch you. - Oh, I have like an assistant. - No, it's a bodyguard but he works for me. He's watching you all the time. - Right, right, right. - Let's make it sure you don't get any ideas. - You'll leave anything. - All right, what am I? - Well, just one last question, I'm sorry. I'm the jester, so I gotta have a couple more questions. - Well, the jester's not allowed to speak really. - I know, but how many times do I have to perform? How many times do I have to perform? - Whenever I want. - When I wake up, I need like a funny like ring tone. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, and like my phone rings, it's always beyond silent, but you do the ring tone vocally. - Exactly. - Okay, all right. - I would love that one. - Yeah, yeah. Do I get to have a girlfriend? - Um, think carefully, King. This is why they're doing the No Kings protest by the way. - If you behave, after like three years, we'll review it again. - Oh, you get to apply. - So I get nothing until three years. - Yeah, exactly. - You have to be nothing. - I'm gonna change your taste in humans. - Do I get Wi-Fi? - I'm gonna turn you full gay. - Yeah, do I get Wi-Fi? - Yeah, you can have Wi-Fi. - Okay, cool. - But turn him full gay. - Turn me full gay. - Yeah, I'm gonna do experiments where I get them hard, but there's like pictures of men. And so like reactivate his brain to only be a child. (laughing) - This sounds like just Hollywood. (laughing) - I've been in his casting. - Yeah, I don't wanna be, yeah, change a good idea 'cause I would wanna get out. What is Andrew? - Where am I on the king's, on the king's board. - And don't talk out of fear. - Yeah, don't. - No, I have a good one for that. - Oh, good. - Head of the Air Force. - Wow. - Yeah, with honor on my king. - Which means he's nowhere near you. - That's right. - Yeah, he's out there, he's out there. - He's out there. - Yeah, I don't know what drones do what. - You what? - He's telling drones what to do. - He's starting fucking war, dog. - Yeah, yeah. - If he's the king. - Do we have communication? - No. - Why? - Ever. - Only talks to me. - Yeah, I can't talk to him. Like, how's the war going? - Well, can I come see the gesture? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If you need to laugh and things are too hard. - Yeah, yeah, you can come over. - This is a romantic comedy that I'm the head of the Royal Air Force. And I have to sneak to come see you do shows. - Yeah. - And afterwards we hang out late night fucking around. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is like a romantic love story. - Right. - We've been furious, though. - You're never gonna catch us. - There'd be an opening on the door, right? And the chain only goes to the opening of the door, right? So you hear it, and I go and roll. - Chester going, hey, yeah. - How are you, buddy? - Not great, dude. Two years, I'm late. (all laughing) - Yeah, and I think I'm gay. (all laughing) - Let me suck her gay. - I love you, I gotta go. I gotta go. - Yeah. - I have to go bomb our random. - Okay, yeah, yeah. - All right. - You know, what is McCone's, what is McCone's job? - Oh, he obviously just like films and blogs and everything for me. - Right. - So he's doing that. - So he gets a better job than me. (all laughing) - No, y'all do what y'all are best at. - That's true. - Yeah, but why do I have a change? You're the best fool. - You're the best fool. - And the chain is because I always want you to make me laugh, and I think you'll get tiring and you won't be allowed to leave. - But eventually, I will stop making you laugh. 'Cause you know my temperament. - Experiment. - Well, then you do like scientific experiments on me. - Does McCone have a mouth? - All access to the kingdom? - He has a, he's filming. - He has an all-access A ban. - This is where the king fucked up. - All right, what ban do I have? - G-A. - General admission. - You're Jen Admish. - General admission, for sure. - I gave you VIP for Coachella. - What do I have? What do I have? What ban do I have? - Your artist fast, for sure. - Oh, I get artist fast. So I'm not all-access, but I just get-- - Air Force, AS, Air Force. - Air Force, Air Force, Access. - Yeah. - And can I tell you something? Listen, this is where he fucked up. 'Cause the king already laid out the rules. McCone, you know, damn well. - Oh, no. - Is gonna eventually sneak down to the gestures cave because of his crush on you and break you free. You know he's gonna go behind Carla back. - Real, not. You know what'll happen? In that opening, I'll just see a camera. (laughing) - He'll be filming you. - He'll be just filming me. - It's great content. - He's not gonna help with shit. - I disagree. - Yeah, yeah. - Am I right though, you would try to break him out. Wouldn't you be a little fucker? - Now I'd film for a bit, but then when he was doing the same things, we did something new for the video. So we'll break him out. - And Pete, where's Pete in this whole thing? - Yeah, Pete is not around. - Not around. - No, we have a royal podcast every week. - Ah, and I like that. - It's the only one available. - And he stays in the podcast space. - Yeah, he's a producer. - But he's not allowed to leave the podcast room. - He doesn't want to. - I'm a good podcaster. Can I be in the podcast? - Of course, you're the fool. - I get my Air Force sergeant, it's Tommy. - No, no, that's a threat to security, sir. - It is? - We can't have that the king. - Okay. All right, and then what does Andreas have? - Andreas. - Well, this is interesting. What does the king do with Andreas? - Yeah. - Head of fashion in our country. (laughing) - He designs the uniforms for the military. - The least fashionable guy in the show is the head of fashion. - That's the funniest thing I've ever said. That's insane. - What's that called? - What's this called, do you wear it? - Is it you? - Does it? - Whoa, we're all wearing half-plat, half-shurvy. (laughing) - You end up, wait, he ends up designing the kingdom. It's all dizzy. You all kingdom fucking-- - Oh my god, we look terrible. Oh my god. - And we're changing the language. And Andreas is the head of that. We're changing at this point. - Well, I'm gonna be speaking Spanish. - Yeah. - It'll be like we're in L.A. - How can I be funny? - I don't know Spanish. - You're gonna learn it. You're gonna-- - Okay. - A Mexican cartoon or something. - The gestures only have one good phrase. Look up in Spanish how to say piss in my mouth. (laughing) - Here. - That's your-- - How I say. - Very good. - The gesture just walks around. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. The people thinking in my mouth. Wow, that's how you feel about me. (laughing) That's how you feel about me. - You really did. - Yeah, yeah. - You're so funny, there's a lot of creativity to throw. - Yeah, yeah. I bought for every meal in Coachella. (laughing) - No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you VIP in Coachella. - We got better than VIPs. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you a free place to stay in Coachella. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm still the gesture that gets us peed on and is gay. (laughing) - I thought it-- - Is that the rule? - I thought it'd be an honor to-- - It's not an honor, dude. It's a disgrace. I get the worst job in your kingdom. - Oh, it's incredible. - It's incredible, dude. I have a chain on my neck. I live in a cave. But for me, it's great. We used to hang out all the time. - No, I'm not hanging out with you. - Yeah, dude. - Well, no. You're hanging out with him. He's not hanging out with you. That's the difference. You have to hang with him. - I'm going to tell you right now. - Click on that one more time. - Yeah, what is it? - There's something here. - We got to make a murder, sure, if I'm going. - I could convince him to move up, I think. - No chance. - Oh, dude, he's so highly manipulative. - The power, look at that's you. That's you and Carlos. - Yeah. (laughing) - Oh my God, dude. It's so fucking true. (laughing) Oh my God. That's how you feel. (laughing) That's how you feel about me, dude. - Because I think that's fun, man. - That's me. - No, no, no, I love you, dude. - Yeah, that's not love. - It's force love. - I'm fucked. - No, it's force love. (laughing) - It's force love. - Dude, I want that photo here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I want that in the studio. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That is Mary Evans. That's amazing. - Yeah, that's what his jewels get. Rudy. - Oh, that's interesting. - Interesting. - It's like in our CIA. - Oh, she gets a higher position over her. (laughing) - Zero dark thirty. - She is waterboarding. - Is our assessor. - Right, right. - She's our secret assessor. - Secret assessor. - And I'm more closely with her on using her to infiltrate other kingdoms to try to make yours more clear. - So much, you guys get so cool roles. You know what I would do? I would do a monocrystal, dude. I would take a piece of rock. - And start slowly. - 25 years. - Yeah, chipping away. - Slowly, chipping away, you know what I mean? I just need a like, a Brigitte fond of poster. - No, I don't know. - Good double reference. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Chashing. - Chashing, Monte Cristo. Right, one day I would go for my Brigitte. - What'd you say there, Fossil Bridges? - Yeah. - Can I, can I get a, whatever poster. What is that? - Oh, you're gonna wear, he's gonna wear one of those. - That's your punter. - A gimp mask. - Trying to do that. - So when you try to break down. (laughing) - Oh, when you catch me. So you're gonna do poster inspections? - A hundred percent. I've seen Shasha. - Oh, fuck. - You're gonna be in a gimp mask. - Yeah, yeah. - A higher mass. - Other people, let me ask you this. - Okay, by the way. Can still Orina and Miboka and that too. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Oh, it's in your heart. - I'm gonna pick the whole mouth up. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so close off on the neck, it fills up. (laughing) - Oh my god, what? - Those eyes are precut. - Not in here. - I want the right one. That looks cooler. - It looks like yours. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That looks cooler. - I look like a fat man. - A gimp mask. - So are there other people where I'm living, the caves? - Other people. - I love you, don't worry. - No. - Oh, I'm not worried. - I don't know about communion. - Oh, look at the fucking ocean. - Well, in a that mask and a fucking chain. - Well, that's only if you misbehaved, dude. - Where's the castle, by the way? - Yeah. - What location are we? - What does the castle look like? Try to find it. - No, we've moved the capitals from DC to LA. - So we live here. - Yeah, we live here. - Malibu. - Malibu. - Malibu. - That's at least nice. - Iron man. - Live for you. - I don't live in Alabama. - No, yeah, yeah. - I'm the head of the air force. I live way in the middle of, you live at the castle on the sea. - Yeah. - This is where you live. - Yeah, you know what I get? This is what I'm gonna do. I'll look out the window and go, "Oh, there's a little Gibson." - We're running on the beach. - That's what the castle looks like. - Bowser's castle, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Honestly. - And then where am I now? - That's where I'm at all the time. - The penthouse. - The penthouse, yeah. Where am I at? - In the face. - Well, that's not the face in the ocean. - Oh, well. - Look, that's facing the ocean. - It is. - Okay. - It's the ocean of lava. - All right, so can I see the left tower or far left tower? Can I be there? - Oh, dude. - You don't get to choose. (laughing) - There's only so many chains. - Why? - It's a chain issue, dude. - You're plenty of chains. - Also, dude, that left tower, that's the bathroom. - Oh, it is? - Yeah, here. - I'd rather, okay. - Yeah, see, you'll live up there. - Oh, where, near you? - Yeah, yeah, you're right under me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not gonna sleep, I'll tell you that. Am I screaming? You know they used to do that. They used to like carve out little pieces so they would poop over the wall outside of the castle. So it would fill up the moat with like poop and pee and stuff like that. - Yeah, yeah. - So they would deter people from trying to swimming through it. - Am I near there? - You're by the poop peep moat. - Yeah, but you also have to clean it 'cause it has to be see-through. - So he gets to clean the poop moat every day. Oh, he collects the shit buckets. - Whenever he wants. - Oh, whenever I want. (laughing) Whenever, all day long. - Yeah, it's whenever. - He collects the shit buckets from all the-- - You know my work, I think that is gonna be filled with shit and pee. I ain't doing shit, dude. - I'm gonna love the iron mask, then. - I'll wear the iron mask and pee to my face. I don't care. (laughing) - This is the issue, right? - Yeah, yeah, this is the biggest hit. - You're calling me, we call it the shit castles. Ah, down at shit. - All right, you're the king. - Oh, brother. - Yeah, yeah, what am I? - Phenomenal. - What am I? - If I'm the king, what are you? - Yeah. - I would, if you're gonna not like this answer. (laughing) - What? - You're not gonna like this answer. - Oh, all right. - You're gonna be my queen. - That's way better than fucking shit, pee, pee, pee, face. - Yeah, but the queen gets beaten daily. - Oh, yeah. - By you? - All of us. - By the king. - My entire court. (laughing) - And the queen's only allowed one phrase. - Eat what? - I'm out to say a phrase. (laughing) - I get treated like shit. - No, no, no, no. You're my queen. - That's me, real. - Hey, I don't wanna be your queen. You could have a woman. - No. - You're wife. - No, I want you. - Yeah, no, no, no. - You're my little queen. - Give me something, I'm excited for queen. I'm begging you. - All right, you'll be my gaysha girl. (laughing) - Stink, you're fat, dude. - Give me a vice president. - You do think, give me a good role, man. - You think, give me evil times, you would be anything, but a gesture or a gaysha girl? That's what you would be. - No, no, no, no, give me, how about this? Just send me out and I'll be like a, what do you call it? - Can't trust you in the field. - No, like, you go, you're our representative in Belgium. - No. - Yes. - That's you there. (laughing) - What, what can I, what do you call them, I'm an ambassador. - An ambassador. - Absolutely. - Give me an Alaska. - We can't have you represent us. - Yeah, anywhere. - No. - Yeah, yeah, okay. - How about a place that no one wants to go? - Where. - You're that little area between South America and North America where all those snakes and all that, where people can't walk? - Central America. - Yeah, yeah. - Central America. - There's a chunk of land where there's no roads, it's impossible to get through because of, it's just the terrain and no one lives there and because there's so many snakes. - The guy in Pluribus got through it. - Yeah, so that area? - Yeah. - Yeah, can I be that? - But then you're gonna live there? - Yeah, I will find a way to live there. - I don't like you bagging, no. - You're better than the castle. - I can't even get that. - My queen, back castle. - Oh, fuck, I'm fucked with both. How about you, Pete? - Pete's my designated toe sucker, by the way. - Oh, oh, yeah. - Pete sucks my toe every single night. - I'll do it, lucky. - See, I'll do it, see? - Can I do toe sucking? - No way. - Do my toe sucking abilities, so. - You're not sucking toe. - Yeah, do it. - No, Pete's on it. - I'll even, I'll even rim the toes. (laughing) You want me to rim your toes? (laughing) - All right, all right. - Yeah. - Well, what would Carlos be in my kingdom? - Oh my, what would he be in your kingdom? - Oh, dude. He wouldn't be in the kingdom. - Oh, so now this retaliation. - It's not, what? - Enemy. - Oh yeah, yeah, you're definitely enemy in state. Yeah, you're number one on the FBI. We mostly wanted to list. You're bin Laden. - That's cool. - Yeah. And everybody's hunting you. - Everyone's hunting. - Yeah, every country. I'm gonna have everyone hunt you. - Sounds awesome. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're a dead man, dude. Andres would be my groundskeeper for sure. - Oh yeah, yeah. - He'd make everything so nice. - Not fashion, but groundkey. - Groundkey, yeah. - He can do fashion in the grounds. - Yeah, yeah. - If he wants a desiwalt landscape, he can. - Yeah, yeah. - He can desiwalt the bushes. What would McCone be in your little kingdom? - I would have a lesbian legs show. - Oh. - Oh, and he's the head lesbian legs. - That head leg. - He had leg of the lesbian legs, yeah. 'Cause your legs are like a lesbians. Just puffy, wide, thick, you know what I mean? - Come over here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, your legs are the worst. - We gotta see these things. - Yeah, yeah. - You do have weird legs. - Yeah. - Take your pants off, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, Subaru Outback. - Yes, Subaru Outback, yeah. - Those are, those are kind of like lesbians. - If you shaved them, they would be lesbian legs. - Yeah. - Get out of here as a softball player. - Yeah. - McCone in my, in my kingdom, I would send him on missions that have no purpose whatsoever. (laughing) Just to get him out of the kingdom for a little while, you know, I'm like, you have to go to the land of Kwanang and find a three-legged woman. (laughing) He's gone for like six months. - Years. - And he comes back defeated. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - My lord, I could not find a three-legged woman. - Fine. And you'll complete yet another submission. You'll fail yet one more. - Yeah. - And I'll send him out again to do what? - What? - What's the other mission we sent him out for? - Oh, stats. - Stats. - Yeah. - If you must go to Golonga. - Golonga. - And count every single strawberry ever grown in one season. I don't want the numbers off at all. - And if they are. - If they are. - Off with your head. - This is what you do on tour already. You'd send me on impossible missions. - Yeah, impossible missions. - The best of them all. - It's the best thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you criticize him when he comes back and he fails them, 'cause of course he would fail me. - Yeah. - How could he do anything otherwise? - He would be executioner. - Oh. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I have them with the black robe. - That is so accurate. - It's so accurate. Black, no one knows who you are, so don't feel guilty. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You can tell it's Pete. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'll be good at it. - Look, it's just that. - That's that, yeah, that's Pete. - Yeah, but he walks up, he's like, hey, it's Pete. - People know his name. - That's his Pete. - Yeah, yeah, it's Pete. Pete the butcher. - Pete the butcher. - Yeah, and there's a, yeah, Vin. - Yeah. - Pete the butcher, yeah. - Pete's so funny. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - That's me. - Yeah. - We try to cut off somebody's head. The rig doesn't work and Pete's like, a lot of miscommunication. - I know that's why, that's why. All right, what I tell him is not going to be, the one's going to understand what he's saying. - Oh, it's like code. - Yeah, it's code. - It's code. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's actually brilliant. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's brilliant. - Because no one's going to understand what he's saying. - We plan to be as hard to talk. - What are the King's communicators saying? - Yeah, yeah. - You speak only through him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I go, well, you know, all the information I told him. - Italian Trump? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Italian is right now. - In two weeks, in two weeks, it'll be done. - But yeah, I would be, you'd make a communicator. - But for fashion, I would have to go for outside help. - Yeah, who's designing? - Rick Ingram. (laughing) - I mean, that's just standard gap. - Just guy. - Yeah, guy, gap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I mean, I'm not dressed like that as the King. You make your court. - No, I'm Valenciaga, you know what I mean, Gucci, you know what I mean? But like, everyone else, Rick is one of the funniest comics in the world. - In the world. - But he has just standard common people fashion. - Sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - T-shirt, jeans, and fucking, you know. - I'm that way, though, I'm T-shirt, I'm standard white. - Yeah, yeah, standard white. - A standard white clothing style, except for me. - Yeah, yeah. - Except for you, the King. - The King, where's what? - What is the King wear? - Oh, Jesus Christ. Probably every day is a different, you know, - Viracci, and then like. - Viracci. - Viracci. - No, Viracci is the knockoff. - Viracci. - Oh, fuck. - What King was known to have the best fashion, Louis XIV? They said this guy was best fashion. Also was gay, right? I mean, he was gay. Give us like a straight King. That's Bobby Lee. - Yeah. - That's 100% Bobby Lee. - Well, are you gonna do anything for your birthday? - I did it all weekend. I'm gonna watch Euphoria and take Xanax later. That's my big plan. - God. - What's this big about Euphoria? I'm not to, have you done it, Bob? - Euphoria? - No, no. - I see the kids watching it, and I try to sit there and watch. And it's like, not my thing. - Not for you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, good to have fun on Euphoria. We got you a little something. - Yeah, we did. And also, as you get older, there's just some things you just can't watch anymore. Why? Euphoria, why? I think it hasn't, let's tie it into Coachella. It's just like there's a language that it's just too young and too heavy and hip. I like how you're bringing out Carlos's cake to me, but it's going to him. Well, for the cameras, you guys are also on camera in the booth. - Yeah. - Happy birthday to you. ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday dear Carlos ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - 38? - 39. - 39. - Make a wish. - Wow. - 40 next year, dude. - I can't believe it. - And you know what he said by 40, no, he's going to have. - Oh, yeah, I'm going to have hair. - He's going to get his hair down. - Have hair, yeah. - So he'll have hair before, while he's 40 years old. And those are nuggets, right? And then we also got you an air wand smoothie there from which smoothie is that? Who's that? Is that one of the girls that was at Coachella? - The Haley Bieber one. - There you go. - Fuck yeah. - Was she there? - Yeah, dude, she was there. - Did she sing? Is she a performer? What does she do? - She's Alec or Stephen Baldwin's daughter. - I know, she's married to Justin Bieber. I'm saying, what does she do? Is she a singer? - Hang, she's a mom. She's a beauty. - Before she met him. - What are you angry for? - Well, 'cause they're saying it, but it's a nice person. - I'm saying he's so fucking angry for her. - What did she do? - Oh, yeah, she's a fucking house-born daughter. - She's just famous. - Yeah. - Oh, that's so good. - Is that good? - Yeah, hell yeah. Thank you guys. - Dude, I did, you know what I did the other, when I was in Arizona before I went to Vegas? I did the bad boy, the bad boy in Minibar. I went back to the room, watch movies night. I ate the entire fucking Minibar. - You were that hungry. - Beef jerky, two bags of chips. I was just, like, feeling, I was having a night, dude. - It's done that in our room. - It's so fun. Isn't it so fun to clear it out? 'Cause you're like, am I supposed to get for the other? If I, I was like, chocolate almonds, I was like, yeah, absolutely. Like, you know what I'm. Be pretty good with these. - Yeah, gummy bears. - Gummy bears. (laughing) - Don't you hit it when you go to a hotel and there is no? - It's a joke. - It's a joke. - Empty refrigerator, like you have to go and get it. - No snacks. - No snacks. - No shit. - Here's, let's name the things that are there. - Okay, yeah. - There's always like a artisan bag of potato chips. - Yeah, a brand that you don't know. - You've never heard of. - Yeah. - I'm Mama Jenkins, Hickory Barbershop. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's like local. - Local loans. - You've been beef jerky. - Always. - Always beef jerky. - And another brand that I've never heard of. - Another brand you've never heard of. - Never heard of. - Right, yeah. - And it's always in the city that you're - Tonix Ranch. (laughing) - Right. - Fine. - Gummy bears is always another one. - Gotta be. - Yeah, there's gotta be. - And then one of the variations of nuts, either mix nuts or just cashews or almonds, yeah. - Almond. - Yeah, yeah. There's always a chocolate covered almond thing sometimes. - I do love this. - I like it so good. - I eat the fuck out of those. - Yeah, yeah. - What else do they have there? - Well, it depends on the class level. - Yeah. - 'Cause sometimes at a high class hotel, it'll be peanut M&Ms, but they'll put it in a jar. So it'll be like, not in the bag. - Yeah, yeah. - They'll put it in another jar. - In another jar. - Just fucking, well, yeah, like this at the win. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, they just put in the same thing. - They just put it in something else. - And yet you still eat it. - Oh yeah. - I think it looks healthier because it's in a jar. (laughing) - Right? - In a jar better for you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know, in Hawaii what they do is they give me a fresh fruit of fruit. (laughing) - Sometimes they give you a fresh fruit of fruit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If you can get it. - And then when it's through Carlos and Gilbert's wife Cindy, right, I get, I always open the refrigerator and there's dye coke, water, and sugar free red bowl. - What else do you need? - Yeah. - It's like cater to me, which is, I really appreciate. - Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah. But I think I would, I don't wanna be gesture. - What if I left a girl in there for you? - That's okay, good. We're not we're negotiating. - Yeah, but she's seven foot two. - Yeah. - And she weighs 385 pounds. - It's fine. - It's fine. - She's a man. - Let me ask you this, when you put your help-- - It's back to the gay thing right away. - Yeah. - No. - I took this in Australia. - I was after you cleared out our minibar. - Past out and I ate the entire minibar. (laughing) I was so hungry. When you came back, I was like, let me in your fucking room. And I ate their whole minibar and then I slept in McCone's bed. - What do we watch on TV? We were watching a movie. - We were watching, like, I think fear and loathing. - Oh yeah, we were. - Oh, wow, wow, great. - By the way, you see that bag of chips next to me? - Yeah. - Gone. - I fucking peeled off everything in your minibar and then I charged my headphones there. - Now how long do you keep the do not disturb on your door? - The entire fucking weekend. - So you don't let them clean your room one weekend. - I don't need it, just give me new towels. I just want new towels. Unless, unless it's, if I'm alone. - Yeah. - Twice with me, we get service. - Yeah. - But I'm alone, leave me alone. I keep it at 65 degrees, give me new towels, leave me alone. - I'm a service hunter. - Oh, you all. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm one of those rare service hunters. - You want it all the time. - No, what I do is, 'cause you meet him at the bar. (laughing) - You ask if I'm going to be like that. - What I do is, because my do not disturb sign is always until 3, 4 p.m. - Yeah. - And they stop kind of like, they go home or whatever. - Yeah, they're on. - So I'll take it off, I'll go to the front desk and go, where are they? (laughing) - Where are they? - And they're like, we have one on floor three. - Where is it? - And I'll go to three. And I'll go to every room to see where they're cleaning. And I'll give them $100. - To come clean your room. - And I go, I'm in room 8, 19. - Great. - Right? - In a clean room. I'm a service hunter. - Okay, let's do the rules then. - What are the rules? - If you have service come to your room every day. And you're doing a three day stand. Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, right? Or Thursday, Friday night, whatever. How much money do you leave money every day? Or at the end of your stay? Do you leave a tip at the end of your stay? And hold on, before you answer. - I can't really know the answer, but I know you do. But listen, but you're gonna hear why I pee. - I'm listening, dude, I'm not going. - Thursday, Friday, Saturday, do you leave every night money every day when they clean or do you leave it at the end of the stay? - I'd leave it at the end. - End of the stay and what do you leave, Pete? - 100 bucks. - 100 bucks, no matter what, right? - Yeah, that's the tip. - What do you do, McCone? He asks me for money. Go on, Carlos. What do you do, you do every night? - Oh no, and the end. - The end. - Okay, how much do you leave? - 200. - No he doesn't. - He's a liar. - He's a liar. - Just eat your nuggets. - Don't eat your nuggets. - Look at me in the face. - Yeah. - 20 bucks. - Yeah, open your mouth or your mouth. - I bet you leave 20 bucks. - I don't even know you had to tip them. - That's what I'm saying, why'd you lie? - What the fuck do you mean you don't know you have to tip them? - Maybe a job. - Oh, I see who you voted for. - I thought you only took it. - I know who you voted for. - I thought you only took waiters. - Just that's the only people you tip in public. - Okay, here's the thing, if I get up early to get the breakfast in the room. - No, I go out. - Downstairs. - Yeah, I get the breakfast, right? I take it off and if I go back off and they already cleaned it, I leave no tip. Because I still have the service hunt then. - Correct. - Right? And service hunt takes a long time sometimes, right? But if I catch them in the act of cleaning, right? Then I tip. - Got it. - But when I actually service hunt, I tip. - Get it. - Yeah. - But if it's already clean. - No need. - No need, right? - Yeah, that's my thing. - I only do it at the end because of this. - How do you do it? - I don't want people coming to going. So there's always a little no pad with a little pen, always on a desk somewhere, and I write thank you so much. And then if I've acquired something like this weekend, I left that we got a swag bag of stuff I just didn't want. I was gonna bring it from a cone, but all the other things I've given him are where, the backseat of your fucking car. I gave him a ton of clothes, new swag, throws them in his fucking accord in the back. - Yeah. - Very nice, dude. I'm gonna not give you shit anymore. - My backups, in case I need to. - I'm not gonna give you shit anymore. You have too much free shit. So then I had a backpack, a bottle of tequila, like hats, some clothes, like a cool throw over shit. You know, like, and I wrote, free if you'd like it. - Yeah. - Bottle of tequila yours, a nice new backpack and some baseball caps. - Yeah. - And I-- - And cash. - But how much do I leave? - 20 bucks. - 20 bucks. - No. - 100? - I leave 100. - Yeah, yeah. - I leave 100 every time. Unless, if it's my wife and I-- - Yeah. - And I make, we make an amass every day. - Yeah. - Like, there's shit all over the fucking place. - Yeah. - 'Cause women, for some reason, set off a bomb in the fucking bathroom. I'll leave them a little bit more. I'll do like a bucket of half. - You know what the ritz does? - They wash your clothes and fold them. - You have to pay for that. - No. - Yes, you do. - I did? - Yes. (laughing) - I'm sure we did it on tour. - Yeah, I don't know. When I, in Hawaii-- - Bobby's like, "You're not gonna believe this." I put all my clothes in the washer thinking that later at night I was gonna wash them. By the time I got home, they had washed it, dried it, and folded it. - Yes, laundry services at the Ritz Carlton Properties in Hawaii, a couple of, or a YKK, are very extra cost. - Oh, fuck! (laughing) - Yeah, you pay for that. - And I gave them money. - Well, and then you tipped on top of the money. - Okay, before the internet though, okay? Before we had internet access, right? - 40 years ago, yeah. - 40 years, yeah, yeah. I used to leave, this way I used to leave. - DVD players. (laughing) - What? In your fucking hotel room? - In my hotel room, I would write a note, this is your DVD player. - What, would you just go bought a DVD player? 'Cause you'd buy it at Best Buy to watch movies in the weekend? - Not movies. - Porn. - Yes. - Got it. - Did you leave some of the porn in the day? - No, no, I would take the porn. They're discs. - Right. - I would just leave with the disc, but leave the DVD player. - By the way, he could have bought porn from the TV for like 50 bucks. - Yeah, but they're fuzzy and there's five options. - I know. - Yeah, yeah. - Carlos always finds an opportunity to look up, even though he knows what porn DVD's looking like. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he'll look it up. Yeah. - He just wants to Google it. - So I would go to the local, yes, stop. I would go to the local, you know, the porn store, I'd buy five or six discs. I'd go to Best Buy, get a DVD player. - Yeah. - I've also left two Xboxes. (laughing) - That's so expensive. - It's so expensive, yeah. - The DVD player's probably here for $200. - Well, not because my intention was always, I'm gonna put it in my suitcase, but then I try to put it in the suitcase and it won't fit. So I said, oh, fuck it, you know what I mean? And I'll just write a note. And here's the brand new fucking. - Here's the new Xbox. - Xbox for you. And they must have loved it. - How much was the Xbox in 2007? It was $500. - Yeah, yeah, I would. - Oh my god, that's what I would get paid for the gig, too. - By the way, $500 back then is like six grand today. That's great. Dude, this was a crazy moment I had at the airport here today. Before I came home, I went to the bathroom and landed. And there was a man in the room changing his baby's diaper. And I'm in there taking a piss and then he turns to me and I go, hey man, he's like, hi. And then another guy walks in to go buy me to go piss as I'm washing my hands. And he's like, oh, baby. And the guy's like, yeah, and he's like, how old's a baby? He's like real fresh. It's like, it was like two months or something like that. And he was like, oh, so cute and I'm washing my hands. And then this guy's done peeing. Then he goes next to the man. And like stands there and like watching him change the baby. And he was like, so cute, so cute. And I could feel the dad being like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - I know what that is. What if he's a new dad and trying to figure out how to put-- - He doesn't know how to do it? - Diaper on. - Yeah, internet, Google it. Don't stare at another man changing his baby. - Well, some fucking insane. - Like boiling the egg for me. - We Googled it. - Yeah, sometimes the internet doesn't know. - No, the internet always knows. - The internet literally knows. - Which HGPD told me to do it wrong. - No, no, you just did it wrong. We filed the directions perfectly. - Okay, anyway. - Although I've never, I've never put a diaper on a baby before. - I already know how to do it. - You never changed your friend's kids. - No, but I assume I already know how to do it because I know how the body works. I know there's a dehesives on the end. - Yeah, you're not an idiot. - Yeah, I'm not an idiot, right? So, yeah, I don't know what the experiment is. - It was so weird. [BLANK_AUDIO] I was wanted to turn and be like dude get out of here. What are you doing? But a collilo's baby What we're having we're in there. Yeah, you've never changed collilo's baby. No, but he said something that I almost cried the baby Yeah, the baby was sitting there eating and I was kind of across the table and he looks him and he goes Wow And he knows my name. Yeah, we heard yeah, we forget yeah, yeah, yeah, and it was just like Went in and kissed his forehead and he got he and then he does this because he gets shy But he knows it's you. Yeah, all right king sign us out. Go ahead. It's your birthday. Thank you for being a bad friend [BANG]