Bobby’s Dog Died on Fancy’s B Day

- You two are bad friends. - You are these two idiots. - Wooo. - My dude, I'm an agent here. You two are disgusting. - Wooo. - Are you two or something? - Bad friends. (laughing) (singing in foreign language) - It's a soccer player. (singing in foreign language) - Happy birthday, fancy. - Yes, dad. - Happy birthday to fancy B, it's his birthday. - Happy birthday, bud. - You guys. - Happy birthday. (upbeat music) - Hey, hey, okay, enough. - Enough about your birthday. - Yeah, yeah. - What did you get him for his birthday? - What, what, met a homo? (laughing) - That's a mad-a-homo. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's what you are, dude. - Is that a good banger? - I don't know. - Mad-a-homo? - Carlos left. - You pay him. - Yeah. - Mad-a-homo. (laughing) - Is that the best you could do? - Yeah, my dog died. - Let's talk about your dog died at a fancy birthday. - What's that? - That's you on the cruise. - I know, two. - Look at how much fun you were having on the cruise. - Yeah, just cruise, Bob. Bob, you're on a boat cruising. - Who are these two friends here? - I have no idea. I'm never going on a cruise again, dude. - I think it's a good idea. - This is what happens. - So the girl, which are the girls, which are? - I don't know who they are. - Which of those girls did you end up being real? - None of them. - None of them. - Good friends. - Well said, we had a few of these three times. (laughing) (laughing) - You appeared out of nowhere. (laughing) - That's the funny things you ever said. Oh, that's funny. I have no idea who they are. - They look sweet. - This is what happens that night. - You have your mom's eyes. (laughing) - Holy shit. - Yeah, I'm Bobby Mommie there. I'm Bobby Mommie there. - Yeah, yeah. - What happened that night? - So I did a show, okay. Look at that rolling stone shirt I have on it. And I did a show. - Did we talk about the cruise? - No. - Oh, this is the first time we've meeting? - We haven't been together in weeks. - Oh, weeks, weeks. - Can I take this off? (laughing) - Oh, so we said distracting. - Leave it on. - You're a bull. - I know, but okay. - It's actually lined perfectly 'cause right above the tail is your face and that's where that should be. So what happened this night? - All right, so let's talk about the cruise in general. - Yeah. Adam Devine Anders and Blake did a cruise call. This is important cruise. - Yes. And all I did was, the only person I saw mostly was Schwarzen. - Yeah, Nick called me a lot. - Yeah, yeah, we ate a lot. And then sometimes Eric Griffin would show up. - Right. - And we'd be like, oh fuck, 'cause I have to pay for it. - When you read it. (laughing) - When you show up, you have to pay for it. You're like, oh my god, here goes the pill. - Wait a minute. (laughing) - It wasn't $1,000. (laughing) - It wasn't free on the cruise. - No, because you have to pay extra for the good stuff. - Ah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the cruise, I'll tell you this. Get this out of the way, okay? My dog dies, right? - Your dog dies. - Right, you say what? - I love you and I'm sorry. - I love you, I'm sorry. - Yeah. - My empathy, this and that, right? - It broke my heart. (laughing) - Andre, that's nothing. - You did nothing? - Nothing, Carlos, nothing. - I meant to say who? - Who? - How tasty. - And then? - What? - How tasty was it? (laughing) - Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let that sit, let us ponder that, right? No one say a word, okay? And I'm gonna answer that question right now. - It's aging right now. - Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna answer that question right now. - Very tasty. (laughing) - Very delicious, very good. All right, so. - We didn't know. - And then, McCone, right? - Asking for money. - What? - For the polar plunge. - All right, yeah. - Yeah, asking for money. - Did you end up giving him money? - No, I refuse. I refuse because my dog died. - I'm sorry, your dog, yeah. - No, let's talk about the cruise and the duck 'cause the girls aren't gonna talk about the dog. - Okay. - Okay, I'm taking this off. - I like it when it's on. Take it off. - Okay, I'll keep it off. - Nah, and it's really funny. It's sweet looking. You're a bull. I'm a Matador. - I'm a Matador. All right, so I'm the cruise. Couple of nightmares happened. - What are they? - On the cruise. - Okay. So, I show up on the boat, and then Nick goes, so, you know, you're doing two shows. You know this, right? - He told me. - And I go, well, yeah, just five, ten minute spots at these like, showcase. Like, you know, like the comedy store. - He thinks he's at the store on a cruise. - Yeah, I think it's gonna be 12 guys on a lineup. Oh, you're up at 9.45 to fucking 9.55. (laughing) You know what I mean? And Nick goes, no, you're headlining a theater. - Yeah, they give you money to play a show. - I had my idea. - Okay. - So I got off the boat. - You left the boat. (laughing) - I got right off. - Okay. - I don't be a bum, like, I mean. - You calling your agent, I can't, no, I didn't sign up for this. - I didn't sign up. - Literally did sign up for it. - Yeah, but I didn't know. - Well, you okay. - Yeah, yeah. So when you don't know, you don't know. - Right. - Right, like, it's like the war in Iran right now. - We do know. - We don't know what we don't know. - We kind of know why we're in. We don't know why we're going. - I can give you some hints. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but we're not a political show. - Yeah, we don't wanna talk about. We're the same things, Iran. - I don't know what, I don't know why we're doing, yeah. - Okay. - That's subliminal enough. - So. - We don't know why. - We don't know why. - Yeah, we do. - So I get back on the book because I guess I have to do it contractually. And then. - Yeah, you already said yes, you signed up. They paid you. - Right. So we go to, I go to the first show, you know, packed theater. It's a fucking theater. - Well, no. - But it's rocking back and forth. I don't know if you know this. - Mid show, it's wave. - Well, you're the middle of the ocean. - All right, I didn't know. - Yeah. - You don't stand up like this, dude. - It's insane. - Yeah. - But you had fun. - But you had fun. - But you had fun. - Physical too, right? So you're doing double things. Right? You're balancing and doing physicality. - Double duty. - Double duty, baby. - Double duty. - Double duty, yeah, yeah. And I have to say, right? That that first show, fucking crush. - It was incredible. - Incredible. - One of the best shows you've ever done. - Probably. - Wow. - Well, I get off. I'm like, oh shit. - I'm a cruise comic now. - Yeah, you know what I mean? All right, I could do this forever. - Bobby on the high seas. - Yeah, on the high seas, right? And then the second show happens two days later. - What happened? - The same people come. - Same show. - The same exact people come. - No. How many people are on the boat? Thousands, right? - All I know is this. The first eight rows that I could see, it was the same eight rows in the first. - Wearing the same clothes? - No, but I know their faces and so on. Because you run into them on the ship. - Right. - You know everybody. - Right. - You know what I mean? - Hey, Jim, hey Cliff. Samantha, how was the little poop pool? Or whatever. - The poop pool? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Tanya, you know you do. Yeah, right? People are gambling. - Right. - People come on over, play Blackjack. Okay, Frank, Niggie. - Okay, Frank and Niggie. - Niggie. - Yeah, what's wrong with Frank? - Niggie, hey, Niggie. - They were on the boat. (laughing) - Hey, Niggie. - Okay. - Adelaide. - Same show. - Same show, right? I go up there, right? One minute in. Ask anybody that was there. Silence. - Tanking. - Tanking. - Wait, why? - I did see that already. I gave before. - But how much time did you do? - 45 minutes. - Okay. - You're sinking. - Okay, well you, yeah. - Yeah, I was sinking. - It was bad. - Yeah, yeah, it was Titanic for me. - Then three minutes in, I was like, I just stopped the show. - You didn't, you acknowledged it. - Oh, I had to. - You had to be like, I stopped, I go. Everyone's heard this before, right? The whole audience goes, yeah. And I go, well, you're just gonna see it again. (laughing) What else did you do? - You did this same act again. - No, I started doing jokes. Like, so it was, so in the first show, there was like three of my pretty good jokes that I completely forgot to do. - From your special. - From my special, right? So I put those back in, those killed, and then I would go back into these other jokes and start bombing again. - Because they already heard it. They didn't laugh again, even though they heard it. - And here's, dude. - The photo was incredible, you sent me your dog. What is it with you guys taking pictures of the dead things? (laughing) It's like he does, dad's dead, sends me a photo immediately. His dog dies, sends me a photo immediately. - By the way, the photo of the dog is. - It's so sad. - It's beautiful. - It's beautiful, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because they wrapped him up in a little like swaddling, like in a manger. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's like a little baby Jesus. - Baby Jesus, yeah. So, um. - Ojo. - Anyway, I, um. - Ojo? - No, it was Remy. - It was Remy. - Yeah. Say, anyway, um, I continued to bomb. And, um. - You're bombing bad. - Bombing bad. And I just took my clothes off. (laughing) Yeah, you know how you do it. - There's always a answer. There's an answer to every problem. - There is. - And when that problem is tough enough, you take your clothes off. - Took over your clothes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, it's an adult cruise and you got a great body now 'cause thanks to- - Life in prison, right? First day, right? Take your clothes off. - Take your clothes off. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Problem solved. - Right, you accept, right? And you get stretched. - And you got stretched. - I got stretched out. - So you killed on the second show because you got naked. - I bombed. No, the first show killed. second show, I had to survive. - And you did, you fought and survived. - Although! - Oh, I had to do bingo night. - Naked. - No. Bingo night was fun. And I did with Griffin. And I decided to do, you know what my prayers. - Oh yeah. - For Thanksgiving. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - And so I told the whole audience, we're probably 200-50 people there. Or I get on your knees, right? Everyone else, right? - I did a prayer. - And I did the mic. And I did the longest prayer about the ocean. And how about the sea dwelling? We can't even go deep enough. - Yeah. - Because it's the mister, we haven't even discovered the species down. You know what I mean? And went on and on and on. It was so fun. - Well, that was fun. - So you killed. - Killed that. And then so, this photo, let's go back to this photo. - Yeah, this photo for the people at home. - So there's this thing? - You wonderful women are there. One of them's wearing lingerie, it's so it's seen. - Mm-hmm. - And this is where, this after hours? - Okay, what are you zooming at my hand for? - He just wants to-- - It's above the waist. - The positioning is right. - Yeah, the positioning was very L-correct out. - So give us this. Give us these two young ladies that are on the boat with you. - Okay, so this is the night I bombed. - Is that the captain? (laughing) - That's the captain on the left? - Yeah, yeah, that's the captain of the ship. - We drove the boat. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then one on the right is the-- - Yeah, we hit three icebergs. (laughing) - We barely survived. - Yeah, there's four icebergs. - Yeah, yeah. So. - Yeah. So that, I don't know if you've never been on cruise ship. - Never, I won't. - Oh, yeah. - I'm gonna pitch you. - Please. - Yeah, of the bad friend's cruise ship. - Oh, wow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm not gonna do it. - Yeah, you are. - No. - Yeah, it's so fun. - I don't want to be on a boat. - It's so fun. - All right, I'll do it. - I'm telling you right now, at the end of the day, I'm glad I won it. - It was worth it. - Oh my god, it was so worth it because you're with all your friends. - Yeah. - And that area is called the Haven. So it's like, you know, we're separated from everyone. - Oh, you're in your private. - It's like, so it's like eight luxurious, you know what I mean? - Cabins. - Cabins. - And in the middle of it is a pool, steam room, jacuzzi, open 24 hours, and 24 hour catering. - Just for you. - Just for me. - Comics. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just for the comic. - Yeah, I mean, Griffin was down with everyone. (laughing) - No, was he really? - Wow. - Oh my god. - Yeah, Griffin was up. - So you invited these two friends to the Haven and he couldn't get up. - He couldn't get to the Haven. - Wow. - Yeah. I never saw anything for one time. He was complaining the whole time. - Now, how do these girls get into the Haven? - I have no idea. But I was just sitting there and after I bond. - With their wings. (laughing) - What you say? - With their wings. (laughing) - They got into the Haven. They seem like they had passes. - God, dude. When you're, for your birthday, dude, you're all. Yeah. I don't know how, you know, I think it was the manager of the boys that parked them up. - Right. - Just sitting there, they go, can we take a photo? Let's do a funny photo. How about, you know, we, you know, the brush thing. And I'm like, all right. So I did a funny, I thing, and I never saw them again. - You never saw either of these women again? - No. - But this photo got on the internet. It's a great photo. - Yeah, yeah. - I mean, you look good. They look good. - Yeah. - This looks like a fun night. - Yeah, well, I mean, it was. - You killed it. - It was a fun experience and then we went to Mexico and we, me and Eric went to a little-- - You went to Haleesco? - Talk, we got tacos and a little restaurant. Walk back. - And then you turned around and came back. - We came back and then went straight to Philly, yeah. - Sky, let's give it up for this guy. - And I want to ask you a question as a friend, and as a comrade, okay. And as a brother. - Yeah. - Okay. - And as a search, what? - You're searching. - Yeah, yeah. - Lover. - Okay. - Okay. - Is this, is, I can say this. I did a scene on a show and my scene was opposite Stavros. - Love. - Funny. - Right after. - More funny guys alive. - Killing it. - Yeah. - Right. And I, you know what I mean? In the scene, there was a lovely actress, you know what I mean, sitting on my lap and we're having a conversation. In between takes, right? I look at that actress and I go, excuse me. Can I smell your armpit? And she goes, yeah. So I smelled it. And then Stavros goes, you can't do that. - Wait, why? - That's what I mean. - In the middle of the scene. - No, it was between. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughs) - Yeah, that you can. - Yeah, you can. - Middle of the, if it's in the middle of the scene. - No, it wasn't in the scene. - It wasn't a part of the show. - No. - Oh, that's an interesting move. - No, I asked, hold a minute. - What were you? - I asked the question. - Can I smell your armpit? - I go, may I, I said may I. - Do you think that she, as a joke? I go, may I smell your armpit? As a joke? - As a bit. - As a bit, and she goes, yes, you can. So what? - And you did. - I did it. - And did that cause a rift? - No. - Who's fine? - But my point is, is that what do you think? - I think you shouldn't have done it. (laughs) - Why? - You know what? I support you always. - I know, but why? - Why, it's not a, what did you need to smell her armpit for? - Would Andrew have done it? - No. - In a million years, no. But we had already, we've already hung out. I knew her, right? - Oh, was this a flirtatious? - No, was it a flirtatious? - She's married. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. It was just a joke, I was like, 'cause she was, it was right here, I go, can I smell your armpit? May I smell your armpit? - Okay, to your credit, she's sitting on you, you're in the scene together. - Yeah, yeah. - Arm is around you. - They say cut, right? They're setting up a different thing. But like, don't move, because we're just doing a little adjustments. - You wanna know if she's, what, you wanna just, I don't, that wasn't even in the thinking anyway. It was just something like, as a joke, I go, "Hey, can I smell your armpit?" - Yeah, did it get a laugh? - Yes. - She laughed. - She laughed. - That's fine, it killed. - She laughed, Stavros goes, you can't do that. - He's jealous. That's a pure case of jealousy. - Thank you so much. - That's how I would like to be able to smell her armpit, but I can't. - Yeah, why can't we smell things? - We should, I think that's, uh? - We should. - If you ask nicely. - If you say may I, and you said may I smell? - May I smell? - She gave you one big huff. - Yes. - What did it smell like? - Purity. - Purity. - Purity as an essential oil, like an essential oil. - You had a lot of fun. The last couple of weeks you've been cruising. - My dog died. - You got three more. (laughing) - A couple more dogs. - It was the worst. - It was awful. - It was awful. - It was awful. - Bring the girls in. - Bring the girls. - Yeah, yeah. - I feel bad that the dog died. Broke my heart. - Wow. - Look at this for Fancy's birthday, and you guys wanted to sing your song that you guys wrote in Spanish. So, and you've been rehearsing it. Last night, they were watching the Harry Styles thing. - Yeah. - Who wasn't? - Who wasn't, I thought. - That was that line is for on Melrose. - Yeah. - Is that for Harry Styles? Do you know what I'm talking about? - Oh, he likes watching you, something. - Look up line in Los Angeles on Melrose. I thought, somebody told me it was for Harry Styles, but there's been a line for like four days straight. What's going on? A line on the streets of Melrose for Harry Styles. Is he releasing an album like signing or something? - He already released his new album, but it's on Netflix too. - Okay, look at this. Fans line up overnight for Harry Styles, LA pop up. They were, dude, it was around the block. - 'Cause it's scary. - But you just waited outside to do what? Just to, he's not there. - He's not there, but maybe merch. - Maybe merch. - Maybe merch. - All right, so sing Fancy Be The Song. - Well, so last night, they were watching the Harry Styles thing, and then I heard them say, well, I know that it's Andreas' birthday. - It is. - Let's write, get to mean a song for his birthday, and I heard them rehearsing. - Let's hear it. - And I can't wait to hear it. So, yeah, and I know that ESA, you start off with the first verse, right? So, let's go. - Let's go, excited. - I'm so excited. Happy birthday, by the way. Here we go, here's the present. (upbeat music) ♪ Happy birthday to Andreas ♪ ♪ Me amor ♪ ♪ Me amor ♪ ♪ We love you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday A-A ♪ - Yeah. - Now, you guys rehearsed that for about three hours. - About three hours, about three hours. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She wrote, yeah. - You wrote it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She sat down and wrote it. It was beautiful. - I wanna give you, we should give Andreas his gift. We bought him, you guys know, he's been wanting a new car for a long time. - Yeah. - You got him a car? - We decided he's gonna get a Tesla. - A Tesla, yeah. - Oh my God. - But we got you a Cybertruck, is that okay? - Yeah, it's fine. - But it's a toy one, right? There we go. (laughing) There you go. - Thank you, guys. - That cost, you know how much that cost? $4.95 then. - It's a lot. - Happy birthday. - And your daughter can go right here in the back. - In the back. - Beep beep beep, back in the Cybertruck. - Yep. - Thank you, guys. - And if you look inside, it's one of his androids, his new robot. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, he's in the other one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. - Here you go, man. - Yeah, happy birthday, guys. - Okay. - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday. - What a good song, you guys. - Yeah, what a great song, guys. - By the way, you both look. - Yeah, both look like you might be. - Be. - Latina. - Latina. - Yeah, yeah. - You might be. - That's a compliment. - You more than you, though. - Issa? - Yeah, because the style is right. Well, she put all the effort, she did the whole thing. - Yeah, Issa also is wearing more of a Spanish. - A traditional Spanish, yeah. - Yeah, Rudy's. - You're more like, you're more like Hollywood, what a Mexican would look like. Like dances with wolves eats. - Yes. (all laughing) - Yeah, yeah. - You're more dances with wolves eat kind of an egg. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She looks like she busts his tables at Casa Vega. - Casa Vega, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - HEMS, I love HEMS because they take care of all my needs. - They do. - When hair starts to thin, confidence can too. 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Didn't cry at all. - What? - Huh? - Didn't cry at all. - Why not? - You didn't cry. - No, I didn't cry at all. - You were sobbing. - You were wailing. - Oh. - Like a black person at a funeral. - Why did you take care of me? - That's great. - Dude, I was doing like rolls. - So you were shocked. You were numb. - So this is what happened. - Confused. - Yeah. - So Remi is a dog that we've had for, I don't know, 15 years. - It's gonna be a long time. - 12 years. - Yeah. - And one of the fires he was left at a pound. Not pound, what do you call it? - Yeah, pound. - A pound, yeah. And they said, you know, they had such an influx of animals coming in that Remi was one that they were getting euthanized, right? So Calyla and I went and got picked up Remi. And we, as a foster dog. - Yeah, and we would give Remi to a family. That dog would run away from that family and run toward our house in our direction. - That's cute. - And he did that twice. - So. - So we kept him. - You have to. - Yeah, we had to keep Remi. And Remi is what a beautiful dog he was. And so on Friday, he was at, 'cause he sometimes says at our house and then sometimes at Calyla's house. - Right. - And at this time, he was at Calyla's house and she just-- - She killed him. (laughing) - I knew it. I knew it. - She strangled a little bit that. I saw that coming. - Yeah, yeah. - So he died at her home. - No, no, no, no. Go ahead. - She told me when I was babysitting there, like, oh, I think Remi is telling me that it's time. - No. - And she was just crying and Remi was just like, he couldn't even move anymore. He couldn't pee like on his own. - He breaks my heart. - Yeah. - And he couldn't, yeah, he wouldn't eat. And then she just called me. She's like, she goes, I go, can we do a Wednesday? - Can he die Wednesday? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we do a Wednesday? - Like, not tomorrow. - Yeah. - Can we do Wednesday? - I'm free Wednesday. - Free Wednesday. - Yeah, yeah. 'Cause Thursday have therapy. - You got stuff to do. - So I could process it. - Right. - Let him die on Wednesday. - Yeah, yeah, and she's like, tomorrow. - He's gotta go. - So we go to Kalala's house. And the whole process is weird. Number one, you know, I've never, the seven animals that I have are the first animals I've ever bounded with. I love them so much. And I spend a lot of time with animals. And I, so, I don't know what the process is like. So we're at the house. Why is it so quiet in here? - We're listening to you. - Oh, is that what it is? - Yeah, yeah. - And, you know, a lady comes over, right? And she's. - He's starting to learn. (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - Why did she have to be so hot? - Yeah, she went in. - Oh my god. - She was so terrible. - The nurse that came over. - Oh my god. - That came by. - It was like, that's my wife. - Yeah. - Yeah, and immediately he started making jokes. (laughing) And everyone just looked at him weirdly. - Yeah, but she was beautiful. And you were in a time of need. You were stressed. I understand this. - I was like, dude. - He was vulnerable. - No, but we were crying. And then he was-- - He was crying as well, but he was crying for pussy. He was crying for help. - Yeah, I was going to do a, hey, Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barters says, hey, we would name it after you. You have a Grasshopper and Steve. Whatever the fucking joke is. - You got it. - I was like, you got it. That was it. - Yeah, whatever the joke was. - Home run. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was doing that. And then she gets serious. And she's like, this is the process. Do you know what the process is like or no? - No, I don't. I'm sad to not know yet. - Do you want to know or no? - I guess, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. There's two shots. - Two gunshots. - Yes. - Yeah. - One just seems like enough. - Yeah. - One to the heart. - One to the heart. One to the heart. One to the head. - Wow. - Couldn't you just do one? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I was semi. (laughing) - Remi was a tough dog. - Yeah, tough dog. - Two shots. - And he was still like hanging in there. - He was hanging in there. - Two shots. - Yeah, yeah. - Two shots. - Yeah. So the first shots fill a volume. Other things, sedatives. - Make it feel nice. - To calm. - Make it nice. And he did a face like, you know, like one of those. - At peace. - At peace. And then the second shot is the thing. And then, um. - That was it. - Well, no. I'm not done. - Oh, sorry. - The fuck, bro. - Sorry about that. I assume the second shot was kind of. - That's not the end. It's like an A24 movie. (laughing) - Right. Sometimes the ending just goes off. Like, you know, Lord of the Rings, the third one. - It's a little too long. - It should have ended when, you know what I mean? They all bowed to the hobbits. Remember that? No, you don't bow. We bow. And everyone bowed. And then you're crying. You should have ended there. - Yeah. - But that's not what this movie is about. - It's not what happened. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. This movie is going to continue. It's not going to have a point. - Got it. (laughing) - I'm logged in. - You're logged in. - He had to do a speech. - When. - What? - When Remy did. - Yeah. - You said you wanted to do a speech. And that's when the vet was like, "Okay, you can do your speech." - No, no. It wasn't a speech, Juliana. I went up to Remy. I whispered something in his ear. That's not a speech. - What did you whisper in his ear? - But you were making a big deal out of it. (laughing) - What did you whisper in his ear? - Wait, wait, wait. This is pissing me off. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. - They're not. - They're contacting me. - This is still there. - Yeah. - They're not. - The whole time. - This is pissing me the fuck off. - I know what's going on. - You don't know what's going on. - They're lying. - It sounds like they're telling the truth. - Yeah, no, no. - They're pan-bondying it. (laughing) They're pan-bondying the situation. (laughing) - What are you doing? To check it out, okay? I wanted to whisper something in the Remy's ear. - No, but before that, you were like, can I just say something for everyone? - And what did I say? - You were just like, this dog has been. You just did a whole thing. And then you just kept looking at the fire. - You're lying. - I'm not! - I'm not! - Okay. Anyway, I did a speech. - What did you say? (laughing) - I think I did a speech. - I'm taking this off, I'm fucking taking this off. I'm okay, right? - What'd you say in his ear? - Sweating, right? - What'd you say? - I just, it's at least said thank you. And I love you so much, and I'll see you again. You know what, death occurs like my dad. - You said the same thing to your dad. (laughing) - And they did a selfie. (laughing) - When death occurs. - Yeah, I believe that when death occurs, it's a weird feeling. I always believe I'm gonna see them again. - You will? - I always believe they're still with me. I'm gonna see them again. And so it's almost as like I'll see you soon. Maybe because I'll die soon, I don't know. - I hope not. - Yeah, I'm meet neither, but you know what I mean? But I just feel like I'm gonna see them again. And I don't know, man, that was one of the toughest, when we're making light of it and stuff like that. But it was tough, man. It was really hard. I wailed, I wailed. When you put him in that swaddling picture that you sent me of him in like a bed. It was like a bed that you made. - No, they bring it. - They brought the bed. - Yeah, yeah. - And then they take it away or do you want Remy on your property? - What do you mean? - Well, people bury their animals in their yard all the time. - No, it's being cremated. - They live in an apartment. - I'm gonna get the ashes. - There's a, - I'm gonna bring Remy back to my house and bury him in my backyard. - But you took his hair. - That's very, I have his hair. - Yeah, you did. - Yeah. - But that's not abnormal. People do bury their animals in their backyard. - But the hair between like the sack and the bubble, I wanted that hair. - You wanted that hair? - Yeah, for some reason. - You wanted his nifkin. - No, I'm funny. - No, it was very good. - It's not even funny. It's not even funny. - But in a cremated way. - And he's got the ashes. - I think us. - I think us. - Yeah. - You don't know? (laughing) You don't know where the ashes are? - Yeah, we do, it's us. - No, we're sent out by him. - We just sent it, dude. - Okay, I got it. - All right, get with it. Yeah, so no, they bring notes. So they bring their own bed and then they, it's their own blanket and they flower. - Yeah. - Right? And they just kind of take them away. And he goes, but you know what I'm tired of, dude. This is because I didn't post about my dog dying on TikTok or Instagram, right? - Yeah. - I'm tired of. This is a photo when we first met, when don't, right? This is the last photo taken together. I fucking hate that shit. Well, do two months later, the skeleton, you know what I mean? (laughing) This is two years later. I mean, why do you keep going with it then? - Right, why not? - Yeah, my point is that it's not something to, I don't want, you know, me people to go, you know, go, oh, I'm so sorry. I know we're talking about here on this podcast. - We're gonna get a sympathy, a lot after this airs, for sure. - But that's not where, I mean, this is a podcast and we tell our fans what really is going on. - You just didn't want the attention. - Yeah, but to post it, I felt like it was weird. Who was posting it? - Not us, I'm just saying when people do it-- - You say when people lose their dogs and stuff, they post about it, like they do a thing in a little video, they start doing camera and they do a thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, but-- - Ring light and everything. - Yeah, but it was-- - There it is, first and last photo. - Yeah, first and last photo. Oh my God, I do cry when I cry. - Well, see, some of these are workers, both died, the person and the dog and some of these. - Oh, they did? - Yeah, that kid died tragically, that one. (laughing) The dog's still alive. - Oh, what is that? - Dog is thriving. (laughing) - That's terrible. - Well, you know what, a wonderful run, and you're gonna get another dog again? - No, no, I'm not. - You gotta get one. - No, no, no, no, no. - You gotta do it. - Dude, I'm down to six now. - Get it up to seven. - No, no, no, no, no, six good. - Six is enough. - Yeah, we have three cats and three dogs, it's a perfect family. - It's a good number. - It's a good number and-- - What are you gonna miss most about the dog? - Oh my God. - About Remy. - I love when dogs, we have one dog that's a betrayer. - Ooh, I was stubby. - Yeah, because stub loves everyone. - Just not just you. - Yeah, if you walked in the house, stubble'd hop on you. - Best friend. - Best friend, he'd be a great dog, right? But Remy wasn't like that. Remy's like, no, you're my guy. - Loyal just to you. - Yeah, yeah, who leo's like that too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goonies not like that, our cat. Our orange cat. - It's just slut. - Yeah, goonies are slut. - Yeah, cats are either slut, so they don't talk to anybody. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I love Bojo, my white cat, because he only loves me. If I'm laying down, he comes right to my chest and laser. - Just for you. - Just for me. So Remy was like that, and so I had a special bond with him in that way. And I don't know, I'm gonna miss him a lot. - Where's the joke? (laughs) Where's your joke, I? - No, I didn't know that one. - I wanted you to get that out. Oh, yeah, you should have a joke there, guy. - Yeah, but your dog died. - Take that off. - I really like it. - Mad Homo. - I'm sad that your dog died. - Yeah, it's devastating. And also, you know, I played with my dog a lot when you told me your dog died. - Really? - Took her outside and went nuts. - Yay. - Better extra treats. - How old is she? - She's eight. - Oh my god. - It's a good number though. She's good, she's a good number. - But she is eight. - Yeah. - It's, you know, no one ever told, you know, when you buy, you're not buying, when you get a puppy, you're like, you just go, oh! But you just told, you know, I had no idea that you could literally bond with it, like it's family. - Yeah, it is. - And then all of a sudden, oh, it's like my kid, almost. - Yeah, you know what I'm saying? - That kind of connection, right? It sucks. - It sucks. - It just sucks, man. - Well, I think there's millions of people that are, oh, well, the fans who have that experience, they know it sucks, but we'll, good memories. Good memories. - Can I get some towels cleaned? - Oh my god. I will. - Moons last time you did laundry. - Mama, our mom did laundry two days ago. - But no towels. - No towels. - I'll do it tonight. - Will you? - I will. - It will. - Does that sound real? Well, who would happen to you, you wash your fold? - Yeah, just like the old days. - Can I be honest with you? And this is not a joke, right? I've never seen them do anything. - Oh my gosh. - This is not a joke. - You've never seen them do laundry? - I've never seen them do anything. - Well, the mom does. - Except lay down and watch, you know what I mean? HBO. - Right. - You're always in your room. - So how could you-- - That's what you never see us. - What? - Yeah. - So how could you see us? Guess what guy? I'm like Daredevil. Okay? I have seven senses. (laughing) - He knows it. - He knows what you're doing. - I have touch, right? Right Carlos, right? I have touch. I have vision, right? But I also have hearing abilities, right? And I know what a fucking, you know what I mean? Washers sounds like when it goes off. And a dryer. - What does it sound like? (laughing) - There he is. So when I'm in my room, my other senses don't receive those sounds. - The frequencies. - Those frequencies, okay? - I'm Daredevil. - Yeah. - Okay. - I have hypersonic, you know what I mean? I'm like a bat, the echo. But bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, no fucking dryer. - No dryer. - Yeah. - Okay, I'll wash tonight. - Okay, my sense is better feel it. (laughing) - My sense is better feel it, okay? - I'll hold it nicely, too. - Like your mom does. - I will. - Do you know how to do it in the circular fashion? (laughing) - She makes a swan in your bed the whole time. - No, it's kinda like that though. It's like a circular, like, I don't know where they learned it. - It's great. - Maybe from the islands or something, but it's a beautiful way of doing it. - Well, when they on the boat ride over. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause if you fold it standard, like just fold it like a fucking, you know what I mean? Square? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right? I want fucking circular, perfectly, in the fucking, you know, thing. - Oh, that was my mom. We'll call her. - My favorite is Issa using the fan, like she like it is. (laughing) Like it is outside. (laughing) And she's in the middle of a hot summer day in Mexico. - She's getting into it. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, no, I love that. - Yeah. - Getting character. - And then we, uh, another thing is we, I showed them the movie, what movie did I show you? - The Edge of Tomorrow? - Yeah. Pretty good movie. - That's a great movie. - You guys watch that together? - Mm-hmm. - You see it? - I watched, uh. - Have you ever seen that movie? - Yeah, years ago. - Yeah, yeah. - I watched the George Clooney movie this past weekend with my parents, where he's an actor. He's himself. He plays himself. - Is Asan learning it? - Yeah. - Oh, they are. Good. - He's manager. - Good? - Jay Kelly. - Good? - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah, I was okay. I don't, it's hard. It's just Clooney being Clooney. - Mm-hmm. - It's like literally him playing. It's like a narrative of his real life. - Mm-hmm. - And it just made me think how good it's got to be to be Clooney. What's that? Oh, what's that? Someone here? Is there a delivery? I tell you, we have another delivery. Another, another birthday gift for you. - Another car? - No, look. - Oh. - Oh yeah. - Taco Bell. - Yeah. - I got you Taco Bell under us. - What's the order that you gave 'em? - I got beef potato griller, chicken bacon, chalupa, large fries, another large fries. But I already ate the fries, so you- - Thank you. - You ate both of the fries. - Yeah. - Smart. - Yeah. - That's the best part. - Have you ever had Taco Bell? - Not really. It's not Spanish. - It's not. - What is it? - How is it not Spanish? Taco. - Taco and Bell. - And there's so many bells in Spain, dude. - It's a country, that's where it was invented, I think. - Yeah. - The bell. - Take a bite. - Yeah, take a bite, dude. - Take a bite. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Respectable, she went out every way to buy it. Yeah, take a bite and give us an answer to the goalie. No, that's it - Is the chicken bacon, what did you get? - Chalupa. - Chicken bacon, chalupa. - Chalupa, yeah, yeah. - Take a bite and let's see. - Mmm, good. - Right? Mmm, you like it? - It's like the homeland. - No? - Okay. - You don't like it. We'll give it to Macon, he'll eat it. You know, he'll eat anything. - Mm-hmm. - What does Chalupa mean? - It is. - Right, tortilla, the shape of a boat with a spicy feeling. But it's made up. - It's a taco. - It says right there in Spain and Latin America, it's a small light boat or canoe. - Isn't that what a taco is? - A little light boat. - A little baby boat. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But a chalupa is-- - A thicker boat. - A thicker boat. - It's a thicker boat. - It's a fried boat. - I say, I say. - A fried boat. You were on a chalupa at sea. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You were on a little chalupa. - Two chalups on my face. - Yeah. (laughing) - A tortilla. - Yeah, yeah. - Some tortas. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, no, it means little boat or canoe. How do you not know that? Chalupa. - Chalupa. - And the choraisan, a chalupa. That's what they would say, a little tiny boat. - Mm-hmm. Also what I've been doing with for these girls is I set up the VR sandbox. - Yeah. - Do we talk about that already? - What's the VR sandbox? - Get with the program guy. - What is it? I don't know what it is. - Yeah, yeah. - Google VR sandbox. These guys don't know. Sandbox VR. Well, that's where you guys went and fought - Zombies. - Shoot zombies. I saw that video. - Yeah, yeah. - Was that fucking amazing? - But you guys do that at. - We did that on La Siena, like more century city. Yeah, that's us. - Your position? - Good. - Yeah, my position's great. Look, yeah, look at my position. - You know what the funny thing is, he even puts a gun down like a soldier so he doesn't shoot friendly fire. - No, he has to reload it. (laughing) - No, no, no, no, no. - He even knows. He knows his own. - That's how you reload. - Reload. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Reload. - You're reloading a lot there. You're shooting a lot. - The two girls, the girl I'm seeing in us, and you know, who got number one? - You cheated. - You cheated. You bought the laser gun. (laughing) So obviously you'd win. - It's all teenagers and then this 54 year old. - Yeah. - Yeah, with the laser gun. (laughing) - Which you got the upgrade and they didn't get it. (laughing) Give me all the-- - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - There's two things going on here that made me mad. (laughing) Okay, okay, yes. Let's do two things, okay? - Two things, yeah. I cheated. - Yeah. - Okay, I cheated. I bought the laser gun. - Could you guys have access to the laser gun? - No, I mean, the girl I'm saying got the laser guns. - And she still couldn't win with the laser gun. - She took second. - Okay. (laughing) - Wait, what was the upgrade you had to pay for the laser? - And they only gave you two upgrades. You're only allowed to have two laser guns, right? So I go, "What do you want?" - Oh, I guess I'll take the handgun. (laughing) - Pio, Pio, you're amazing. - I'm like, "Yeah, spray in everywhere." - No wonder why, look at, play the video, look at the stance. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's got the kids going in. - Yeah, yeah. - On the left, on the right, on the left, on the right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You guys screaming, but beginning with each other is the funniest part, that's the funny part. - It was only her by the way. - Yeah, yeah. And then let's address the second thing. - 154-year-old, do you don't think I forgot? (laughing) You don't think I forgot that comment? A 54-year-old, "Yeah, okay, you know what, dude? "I'm a child." Okay, I play whimsical games. - You do, you have a, yeah, yeah, you like that game. - What did we do yesterday that I set up? - Escape room. - Escape room. - Why do you like those? - It was very fun. - It was fun. - It's such a white person thing to do. - I know, but I set things up. I'm a guy that plans. - Did you escape? - We did escape. - Yeah, we did escape. - Who figured out the escape? - What? - The people that worked there. (laughing) - It's like, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand. - All right, we didn't do shit. - They told you. - Oh yeah. - The Bobby, the Bobby wasn't the team leader. - Yeah. - Actually, we did a lot. And then the only thing you were doing was like, I think we got to take a hint. (laughing) Who took the, stop. (laughing) Who took the wire? - Well, I opened the thing. - Who took the wire with the hook? - Who took the wire in the hook? - Put it in the hole and got the key out of control. - Okay, but you were screaming. - Yeah. - And then you were, - Okay. - Who did that? - You. - That was complex. - Okay. (laughing) - You were getting angry. You were so angry. You were screaming at her. - Screaming at who? - The girl. - Yeah, my date. - Yeah, your date. - Yeah, yeah. - So angry at her. - Yeah, because she wasn't doing it right. - Because she wasn't. - It's one of those, it's one of those things. What are you smiling? - I'm listening. - All right, so basically what this situation is, is it? Okay. It's like a gigantic fish, kind of like a fish bowl. Not like, yeah, bowl, gigantic one with levels to it. - Right. - It's like a fiberglass with little tiny holes in it, right? On the bottom is a key, right? You stick a, (laughing) all right. You stick the little, you know what I mean? Metal thing with a hook on it, inside the tiny hole, and then there's another hole, she has a stick. (laughing) All right, she has a stick as well, right? I got it, you got to bring your stick over to hook mine, so that I can stick it out and stick it into the other hole, so we can bring it up, so we can get it out of the bigger hole, out top. - Got it. That's all I was doing. - And she couldn't do that. - We eventually did it. - Okay, we eventually did it. - But you got to fight about it. - It's not a fight about it. - It's leaving at her. - I go, you're not doing it right. - No, that sounds like a fight. - That's just me being a leader. - Did she get upset? - It's me being Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex. - You're Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-Hex-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm warning it out, you know. You got to be a commander. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway, we did get out, we got out on time. - Speaking of touring comedians, this guy, big tour coming up, announced the finally tour. - And then I'm done. - Congrats. - I'm done. - You're done what? - Torium. - You're done what? - Done. - Done stand up? - For a while. - I stink. That smells like bullshit. - Yeah, you stink too. - No, you stink. - Okay. - Let me smell your armpits. - No, but it looks awesome. - This year, first time doing theater tour, I wanted to-- - I wanted a theater tour. - Huh? - I never done one. - Well, I wanted to announce it. I think it's an important moment in comedy, because most times, you've never done a theater tour. It's an amazing-- - It's my first one. - It's my first one. - It's incredible. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think it's so cool, dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank you. - What are you guys excited about? - Coachella. - No, you're gonna go. Are you, and you're not going? - You do Bobby's going without me. - You're gonna fucking go to the cello. - I had to buy them. - Yeah, you're gonna buy them. - What is, how much is Coachella to go to? I don't know anything about it. - These guys? - Google, what is a regular Coachella ticket cost right now? - Well, right now-- - Yeah. - What is that? What, do you already know? - Yeah, 'cause they're at a thousand right now. - A thousand dollars a person to go to Coachella. - Normally, there are 500, I believe. - Yeah, no. - Holy shit. That's just a regular admission ticket. I went the third year it existed. - If you and I went, just you and I went, it'd be free. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just you and I, but you just don't want to go with just you and I. - Yeah, but you said you get for me for my birthday. - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Who's the headliners this year? - Oh, we even-- - I don't fucking know, I'm gonna give a shit. - Sabrina, this is me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Where are you? - Where are you? - Sabrina. - He's open to go to Tesla at the test. - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, dude. - Okay, so wait a minute. Which weekend are you going? - I'm sorry, are you just in the year? - This is when we can, too. - So this is the second weekend. So you guys are going to see Sabrina Carpenter, Justin Bieber, and who's Carol G? Am I out? Am I gone? Am I stupid? I don't know who that is. - The Strokes and Interpol. - Carol G is bigger than Young Thug. - Yes. - Who's Carol G? - She's like a Latino artist. - Why are they putting all these Latino people all over our lab? - Do we-- - Is she playing the Super Bowl next year? - She's really good. - Carol G. - Do I get Interpol and Strokes? - Yeah, you-- - Yeah. - Because we know Paul from, you know. - Love. - Yeah, yeah. - He's like one of the cool guys. - And I love the Strokes, so I mean, that'll be good for me. - Zoom in? - Maybe you'll be there. - What does it feel like to be on the second night there after Bieber? Go zoom in the second night there? What does that feel like to be Yamaguchi? Last on the list. That would be bad friends if we had lines something. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We'd be after Mahmet or Ban and Reardon. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Despits and what a more. Gen-C, bad friends, and Yamaguchi. - Hey, look. This is Yamaguchi. - Are you still coming? - I don't know. Why are you putting me last? - No, no, no. You're first. - No, no, no. Because in-- - In your country, don't you read backwards, right to left? - If it's still in our country, if the last-- Name is the last. - Interesting. - You should go Justin Bieber and then Yamaguchi. - I don't know. We'll work on it. - Okay. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - David Byrne, this is really good sombre. There's some really great stuff. - Yeah. - Royal Otis, love. You guys are going to have such a fucking fun time. I'm so happy I won't be there. - Yeah. (laughing) - What is it? - April 11th. - March 9th. - March 8th. - April? - Yeah. - Next month, the 17th, the 19th. - I'm from tomorrow. - Oh my god. - I'm so excited for you guys. - You have to come. - That's awesome. You got to go. - We want you to go. - Why? Because it's a long drive. (laughing) - It's an absolute fucking nightmare. - It's a nightmare. - Yeah. I would never. - Remember that one year? Do you remember that one year? - So funny. - I know we talked about it before. - You guys got stuck for like five hours. - No, no, no, no. That's what that was. Was it like. Can I sit and tell the story again? - Oh, I remember. - What is it? - Yeah. You call. - So I got. Yeah. And I go, you know, Kalala and the girls wanna go to, right? - Yeah. - And they're like, yeah, I pay for it, right? Which was, by the way, ungrateful. You guys, do the towels tonight. (laughing) You do the towels tonight, all right? You wanna go to a fucking desert? Towels tonight, dude. All of them folded in a circle of fashion, fashion, okay. So anyway, my agent goes, yeah, all right. And, you know, I pay for it, right? And the day of Kalala goes, you literally have to be there to pick up the tickets at the box office. And I go, I have to drive four hours into the desert and then drive back. - You do. - And they're just like, yeah, and I did that. - And you found out when you got there that you didn't have to do that. - Yes. (laughing) - Maybe the best part about all of it. You didn't actually have to do that. - I didn't actually have to do that. - But you should go to this. 'Cause you're gonna have a blast with them, and by the way. - Is it, yeah. - I've never-- - You're gonna go see some great bands. Interpol is gonna fucking rip. I mean, think of how many, there's a lot of bands that you definitely wanna see. - Moby. - Okay, so here's the thing. - Well, it does, my heart. - This is gonna be the first and last time I go to fucking coochial. - Yeah. - Okay? - You already went. - Yeah, I went to pick up the tickets and I go back. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's the first time I actually go to-- - I'm gonna go inside. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you right now, I don't care if next year Harry Styles is gonna be there. I don't give a fuck. I ain't going. All right? So are you sure this is the year you wanna go? - Yeah. - For that weekend with Justin Bieber. - I know you're gonna love Justin Bieber. You're gonna have so much fun. - He's not gonna, I'm not gonna see Justin Bieber. - What do you mean? He's on the main stage. - I know, but I'm not gonna like physically be around him. - No, but you're gonna be dancing your little heart out to Justin. - I don't know what even, see me a song. - Baby, baby, baby. - Oh yeah, I will be, I will be, I will be, I will be, I will be, I will be. - And the other one I like is. ♪ If you know ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - No. (all laughing) - What is it? - Okay, so we'll all be there. The girls, too, right? - Okay. - We're on a boat, okay. - We're on a boat. - And all of our fans are gonna be there. - All the fans are gonna be there. - Yep, okay. - I'm on him already. (all laughing) - Marty's shaking. - Very pretty good, right? - I'm shaking. - I think my proposal's good so far, right? - Yeah. - Okay, here's the thing. - All of our fans are gonna be there. - On a boat. - On a boat, yeah. - All right, you and I will perform, we'll just do two shells in the main stage. - One shell, one night, one shell the other night. - If the boat is Sunday through Thursday, we'll do a Monday night show and a Wednesday night show. - Is that what they usually are Sunday the Thursday? - Yeah. - I mean, that's what we did. - Okay. - Although when we landed, we saw Chelsea Lynn. - Getting on the boat. - Yeah, they're like, "Arts, are nags." - Oh, they were doing a boat. - The same boat that we were on. - Oh, wow, they just flip. - They clean it so far. - They flip. - They flip these boats. - They just flip 'em. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I have a better proposal. - No, no, no, I'm not done with my proposal. - We take, how about this? - Okay. - We take a flight from LA to San Francisco. Our fans can buy tickets on that plane. We'll do a little stand-up. It'll be a 45 minute flight. We'll get off and that'll be it. - No. - Okay. - Bad friends of air flight. - Okay, so and then we get to control the lineups. - Okay. - So we'll call our friends in. - Mm-hmm. - Hey, Gillis. - Hey. - You won't do it. - Yeah, Shane Gillis. - Already, no. - We'll call Shane Gillis, you know what, you're right. I'll call Sandler, Kevin Hart. - Yeah, yeah, guys. - Bill Burr. - Bill Burr, yeah, yeah. - Louis, and I'll go, guys, we gotta do a boat thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I get nervous on those things. - I know, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to really see your fans. - I believe in multiple lives. So I do, I'll do other lives. - And also, there's gambling. - I do love gambling. - Yeah, so there was a casino, right? And I was playing Black Shock all night long. It was so. - So I do love that. But is it real money or is it real? - No, it's real money. It's actually losing money. - You're losing money on the spot? - Oh, yeah, that's about three grand. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but. - Notable incidents of boat rides, a 2025 Carnival Horizon had somebody kill another man. Man overboard on the Morella Explorer. So November, twice in August, passengers drowned Carnival's new celebration key resort in the Bahamas. All 2025, passenger died aboard the Carnival dream. This feels like a lot. - These are old people, no? - I would hope so. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But I don't know, what if our fans are old? By the way, we want our fans to come on this boat, do you have to be over 65 to do it? - Yeah, yeah. - The shows are at 3.30 p.m. - Yeah, I'll tell you the negatives though. - You'll tell me the negatives? - I'll tell you where the negatives. - You tell me the negatives first. - Boat. - Okay, okay, all right, that's good. That's a good negative. - Okay, that's a really good negative. - Boat at sea, trap, nowhere to go. - I do the very good. - It breaks out six, something breaks. How do we get off this thing? Middle of the ocean. - Okay. (laughing) - What did I just say? - I loved you. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - What are the negatives? Give me the list of the negatives, 'cause I already feel it. I'm scared. - It's the food. - The food's terrible. - It's not good. - Yeah, it's cooked on a boat. - It's cooked on a boat. - Even the fancy Italian restaurant, you may have to make a reservation. It's all of Guardian, you know what I mean? It's not good, you know what I mean? And then the Teppanyaka, you know what I mean? - The Teppanyaki wasn't good? - No. - Alone away. - Yeah, yeah. - The boat, Teppanyaki wasn't good. - And then there's this thing where it's a 24 hour free just, you know, everyone's there. - Buffet. - Buffet. - Right. - Those are my favorite. (laughing) - It is terrible. - It's bad. - Oh my god, it is bad. - Well, you're not pitching it well to our fans. - No, those are the bad aspects. - Oh, so they can, okay. - Yeah, the good aspects. - The good aspects. - Good as a great spa. - Wonderful spa. - Great spa, great that the pool, right? Pool's great. - Pool. - Fun, right? - I have a pool. (laughing) - You have a pool, I have a pool too, yeah, yeah. - You can just go to your pool? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go to your pool. - But here's another thing I was like. (laughing) - There's another thing that I would like to pitch to you. - Yeah, pitch it, yeah. - It's a, it's connective tissue. (laughing) - Listening, I'm listening. - Yeah, it's, it's people that love you, right? Our fans, at us, connecting in a way, right? It's a very special experience for our biggest fan because only our biggest fans will be on the panel. - So you're saying, because I will say this, all joking aside, we adore the fans, we appreciate them so much. I love the fans, I love seeing them. I love it a lot. But you're saying the way to really get close to the fans is to make them pay to come on a boat to see us. - It's not just the pay to get on the boat. - Oh, so it's free. - No, you have to pay. - Okay. - Okay. - You have to pay. It's them being with us. - On the boat. - Yeah. - After a show, it's like going out and sitting in the middle of the audience after the show. - But it's wavy. (all laughing) It's wavy too, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm gonna be honest and say this, because I love this. - Let's do a vote. Carlos, do it online, whatever we can do. Yeah, if people would, if they would come. Let's see how many people would come. - You know what this is like? - Yeah, yeah. - You know what it's like when a buddy does Coke. And somebody does Coke and they come up with like a hair brain business scheme and they're like, you, you're gonna, it's gonna be amazing. And they pitch it to when they're sober and you're like, I don't know if you should do that chicken shop laundromat you were thinking of. - Yeah, but sometimes YouTube. - Sometimes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that Chinese guy and that other guy right away, like, hey, what do you think of this thing where everyone-- - Because every comic I know who's been on these cruises, Schwarzen included just did the exact same thing. - Yeah, what? - I wanna do a cruise. We should do a cruise. Schwarzen said the exact same thing. - I know. - He was like, I wanna do a Schwarzen cruise. - Yeah. - And every other person that's done him and goes, I wanna do, I wanna do my own cruise. - Yeah. - So everyone gets this bug. - Yeah, because we did it. - And we had fun, you don't know anything about it. That's why I think you should do it. - I'm not fun. - Here we go, that's the truth, right ladies? - Who's funner? A Tito Bobby or Tito Andrew? - Tito Bobby. - He's for your fun. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So do a Bobby Lee cruise and I'll wave from the shore. (laughing) And there's Andrew right on the side. (laughing) - Okay. - I'll get on the boat with you. - No, you won't. - Just don't wait. That was the thing that we talked about on the boat. - I mean, I imagine Andrew here right now. - Why wouldn't I do it? (laughing) - Yeah. - I'd rather do a show on land for the fans. - Okay, good. It's different, it's a different thing. But anyway, let's move on from it. - For the boat. - Yeah, yeah, let's move on. - And your traps, yeah, yeah. - Would you guys do it? - Yeah, that'd be fun, right? - Fancy would not want to do it. Carlos would do it. - Oh yeah, Carlos. - Carlos and McComb would do it. - Yeah. - Because they could be little bad boys. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Rome around looking for girls. - Get every STD. - Oh, great. - Yeah, he's fucking a mermaid. (laughing) - How'd you get a mermaid? - In a siren. - How about this? If the boat doesn't go far, I could do it. - Yeah, it didn't go far. - No, I'll do one here to Catalina. How about that? - I'll do a Catalina boat tour. - A ferry. - A ferry. - You wanna do a ferry? - I'll do a ferry. - We'll do a ferry. - We'll do a ferry. - We'll do a ferry. - We'll sail boat sail with us. - Come sail away. - Come sail away. - Come sail away. - Come sail away with me. - And then you have to raise the bow. - Okay. - No, I just have a legitimate fear of-- - Or we could do it like in the end of a Titanic where I'm just not a fucking-- (laughing) - You're on top, right in the wood. - And I'm about to die. - And I'm just-- - Let's just do that. (laughing) - Anyway. - If you can find a more clever way to get our fans together, I am down. - Okay. - Not a boat, but I would be, I would love to interact with the fans. Just not on a boat. - What do you guys want? - You want to interact with the fans? - Do you want a bad friend's boat tour? I'm sorry. I just thought I was going to stop this shit, dude. Yeah, I will! How about this? How about we get you two on a boat all the way back to the Philippines? Yes, one way. But that's it. Yeah, we fly back. Yeah, we fly back. Yeah, yeah. We send you and then we fly back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, we could, you could convince me. There is ways. There is ways. To do about. Do you could convince me if it was, if it was, if it was a short trip and it was, yeah, you could convince me. Okay, what's the shortest trip that we could do, Carlos? Going to the Philippines. Sailing to the Philippines takes four to eight weeks or more. It's going to be pretty tough. That one, that one's going to. I'll imagine. I'll imagine Andrew just in his cabin. And they can't get me off the hook because I'm swinging. Yeah, I'll wait. I'll imagine. Wait, let me say something. Yeah, yeah. I would, I would shoot a TV, a reality TV show of you and I and them taking a boat to the Philippines. That I would do. That would be fucking hilarious. We'd have to live on the boat for how long? Four to eight weeks. I could do that for four weeks. Just us four. It's a speed. Well, it'd be with other people. We'd be going to the Philippines. It'd be a lot of like, buck, buck, everyone's going to the Philippines. I know, but like our fans do can buy tickets. Why would the fans in the tickets? It's just for us. For us to go to the Philippines. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have a connection with my fan day. Stop it. I'm sorry that I'm grateful for their love. This is good. Turn up the gas. All right. This is good. I'm grateful. I'm grateful to them. You know, some people aren't. Some people are. What? Some people are. That's what they're doing you for. Am I not right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't get angry. Are you angry? No. No, look at me. Are you angry? I'm too tired to be angry. Okay. Good. You tired, but. I'm so tired. Why? I was with my parents for two weeks straight. Oh, that's right. How are they? I don't know. Okay. That was great. We spent time in Arizona. We did that whole thing. Then I brought them back here to LA. The problem is when people come to town, you have to do things all the time. There isn't day that's off. I bet you all your hard work with your parents that they're very grateful. Yeah, there. At night, they think of themselves. What a great son that we have. I hope so. Yeah. And we're grateful for his effort. I hope so. Yeah. We love him for him playing ahead, right? And all the things that our son does for us. And we're willing to do anything to make our son happy. And then the very next day they called because they couldn't log into Apple TV and we yelled at each other on the phone for 15 minutes. Yeah, exactly. He's like, "Why can't I type my fucking name in the goddamn Apple TV?" Is that what your dad did? Yeah, and then I had to face time with my mom so I could watch what he was typing. And he incorrectly put the password in three times. Instead of just doing backspace, he cleared it every time. So he had to redo it every fucking time. Wow. Lovely people. Yeah. I love him so much. So, you know. But the stress of family is hard. It's hard. It's not hard. Is it not hard? Is the stress of family hard? No. Yeah. Yeah. For me, it is. It's a weight. I'll clean the towels. Yeah, that's not what I was saying. That's not what I was saying. I'll clean your room. You haven't cleaned it yet? I told you to clean it. Because we got to go here. Yeah, we had to come here. Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, okay. Well, we didn't have fans in the air time. whatsoever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. I swear to God on my mother's life. Oh, on her left half because you can hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My mother's right here. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. When I was on the boat, some guy pulled me aside. He goes, you know what makes the show? And I go, me and Andrew. And he goes, no, fancy. He's right. He goes, he makes the show. He's the bind. He's the adhesive. Without bad. I don't think I mean. No, no, no, no. I swear to God, that's what he said to me. All right. What'd you say? Best middleman. Best middleman. Best middleman. I don't even know. He's a best middleman from last year. Yeah, but I just said again, best middleman. No, say it again. Best middleman. Best middleman. Okay. Do you have anything to say for your birthday? Yeah. Feel good. Do you feel a little? Yeah. Yes. Have a speech. Okay. Go ahead. I feel so. Thank you for being a bad friend. (upbeat music)